What Are You Tolerating? How Agreements Shape the Man You Become

“What part of today’s episode hit home? Let me know.”

Ever found yourself staring at an overflowing calendar, silently acknowledging you won't complete half of what you've committed to? That moment reveals something profound about how we lead ourselves.

This episode dives deep into the concept of "tolerations" – those quiet agreements we make with ourselves that shape our identity one small surrender at a time. When we consistently say yes when we want to say no, we're not just being accommodating – we're voting for a version of ourselves we might not even like or respect.

The truth is, feeling constantly drained isn't a sign of laziness or weakness. It's often a symptom of misalignment – carrying responsibilities and maintaining dynamics that don't align with who you truly want to become. Every interruption you accept, every boundary you bend, every commitment you make without enthusiasm – these aren't just inconveniences, they're identity-shaping moments.

But reclaiming your power doesn't require dramatic life changes. It starts with awareness and small, consistent shifts. Through five powerful leadership transitions, you'll learn how to identify what you're tolerating, understand the cost of these silent agreements, and take back control through intentional choices. The guided reflection questions offer immediate opportunities to identify exactly where your energy is leaking and what you can do about it starting today.

Ready to stop silently surrendering your power and start truly leading yourself? This episode provides the clarity and practical first steps to break agreements that no longer serve you and build a life of authentic strength and integrity. Head to evolvedmenproject.com to continue the conversation and access additional resources on self-leadership.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to the Evolve Men Podcast, episode
number nine.
Are you ready to break freefrom hesitation, self-doubt and
isolation?
Do you want to lead withconfidence, build powerful
connections and live boldly?
I'm Cory Baum and I'm here toshare the most impactful
strategies and mindsets thatI've learned through coaching,

(00:23):
leadership and real-worldexperience.
Together, we'll forgeunshakable confidence, master
social dynamics and create alife rooted in purpose,
brotherhood and bold action.
Inside you'll get the tools andinsights to become the
strongest, most connectedversion of yourself.
Let's dive in.
So not too long ago I think itwas a Monday morning, I think I

(00:45):
opened up my calendar and I justkind of stared at it.
It was packed I mean completelypacked with stuff that I'd said
yes to, to workout plans, tocoffee meetups, little projects
that I told people I'd follow upon, and I just knew that
there's no way that I'm actuallygoing to complete all of this.

(01:07):
I'm that I'm not going toactually get all of these things
done Right.
And it wasn't just some rarecrazy week.
This was, this was normal,right.
This is how I'd been operating.
Just this quiet, automatichabit of saying yes when what I
really wanted to say was no.
Automatic habit of saying yeswhen what I really wanted to say

(01:29):
was no, because avoiding thatawkward moment of letting
someone down felt easier thandealing with the fact that I was
constantly letting myself down.
Right, and at first I thoughtthat maybe I just needed to
organize better, I needed to getbetter systems to tighten
things up, right.
But the more that I looked atit, the more that I realized, no

(01:51):
, that this was deeper, that Iwas saying yes to stuff that
didn't line up with who Iactually wanted to be.
You know, I wasn't just toobusy, I was out of alignment, I
was out of integrity with myself, and what really hit me was
this was that every time that Isaid yes to something that I

(02:13):
didn't want to do, I wasreinforcing this version of
myself that I didn't even likethe guy who bails, the guy who
says something, the guy who saysthat he'll do something and
doesn't right, the guy who looksgood on the outside but doesn't
back it up.
Right, and even though nobodyelse necessarily saw this or

(02:37):
noticed it, I did right and thatkind of self-betrayal it stings
quietly over and over.
That calendar didn't just showme my schedule.
It showed me how much of myselfthat I was giving away to other
people, and it made me ask ahard question what am I

(02:59):
tolerating right now?
That's shaping who I'm becoming.
Tolerating right now, that'sshaping who I'm becoming Because
, honestly, it's not the big,dramatic sort of moments that
shape us the most, it's thelittle stuff, it's the stuff
that we let slide.
So today I want to talk aboutsomething that we don't usually

(03:20):
pay much attention to, andthat's what you're tolerating.
Not just the big, like obviousstuff, like toxic relationships
or jobs that drain your soul.
I mean, those matter, sure, butI'm talking about the smaller
stuff, the little habits, thehalf-hearted commitments, the

(03:42):
stuff that quietly wears youdown, the things that you've
said yes to without reallymeaning to right, or the things
that you've just started dealingwith because it's easier than
making a change.
And you might tell yourselfthat you're just you know, I'm
just being chill or I'madaptable, right, or that you're

(04:04):
strong for handling it.
But here's the thing Toleratingstuff that's out of alignment
isn't strength, it's quietsurrender.
Every time you stay quiet whensomething doesn't sit right,
every time you downplay yourneeds or just suck it up to keep

(04:25):
the peace, what you're actuallydoing is sending a message to
yourself.
You're reinforcing a version ofyou that you might not even
like.
And the more that you do it,the more that it becomes your
normal.
Then your normal becomes youridentity and eventually that

(04:48):
identity becomes who you thinkyou are.
So if you feel like you'restuck or you're drained or
resentful or just kind of likeoff, it might not be because
you're unmotivated orundisciplined.
It might just be that you'vemade too many of these quiet
agreements with yourself totolerate a life that doesn't

(05:11):
fully fit.
And the moment that you startgetting honest about what you've
been putting up with, that'swhen things start to shift.
That's when you begin to leadyourself differently, and it's
an agreement problem.
And the moment that you gethonest with what you've been

(05:31):
tolerating, that's the momentthat you take your power back.
So where do we start with allof this of this right?
Let's break it down a littlebit, because what we're talking
about here isn't just aboutfeeling overwhelmed or spread
too thin.
It's about the deeper patternsunderneath that right.

(05:55):
So there's five big shifts thatI want to walk you through
today, and each one is a lensthat you can use to look at what
you're tolerating and look athow that's shaping your life.
Think of these as leadershipsort of checkpoints, places
where you can either give yourpower away or you can take it

(06:18):
back.
So here's the first one, andit's a big one.
I call it the silent agreementtrap.
So here's the first one, andit's a big one.
I call it the silent agreementtrap.
Most of us are walking aroundwith these silent agreements
that we never consciously made.
You don't sit down and say,well, if I just stay easygoing,

(06:39):
people will like me more.
You didn't sign a contract thatsaid.
You know, I'd rather disappointmyself than disappoint someone
else, right?
But somehow that's what'shappening, right?
And the truth is, when youdon't say anything, when you
don't speak up or make adifferent choice, you're

(07:00):
actually saying something right.
Your silence is an agreement.
Every time that you tolerate adynamic, a situation, a habit, a
pattern that just feels off,what you're basically saying to
yourself is that ah, this isfine, like how I feel doesn't

(07:23):
matter what, what I thinkdoesn't matter.
And when, when you do that overand over, that becomes your
normal, the people around youstart expecting it.
You start expecting it andpretty soon it feels like this
is just how things are.
But here's the shift.

(07:44):
Start paying attention to whereyour silence is making
decisions for you and that's thespot where your energy is
leaking.
That's where you're out ofalignment and that's the place
that you can start takingyourself back.

(08:04):
So the second one is howtolerations, equal identity,
votes.
Every time that you letsomething slide that doesn't sit
right with you.
It's like showing up at theballot box and casting a vote.
Right, not with words, right,but with your actions.
If you let people interrupt youconstantly, that's a vote, for

(08:29):
what I say doesn't matter, right.
If your morning routine leavesyou feeling scattered and
drained, that's another vote,for I don't prioritize myself.
Right?
If you keep saying yes to everyinvite, favor or request, those
are all votes that your timebelongs to other people.
Right, your identity is beingshaped, one quiet decision at a

(08:53):
time.
The good news is that you don'thave to blow up your life to
shift this right.
You just have to start right,start changing what you allow,
because every time that youtighten your standards just a
little bit, right, you'reshifting the version of you that
gets built.
Right, you're building a manwho leads himself.

(09:17):
The third core shift is you'renot lazy, you're just out of
alignment.
Right, and this one hits homefor a lot of the guys that I
talk to, if you ever feel tiredall the time, right, not
physically tired from a workout,but like mentally foggy,
emotionally drained, right,stuck in a rut that you can't

(09:39):
quite shake, and that's notlaziness, that's misalignment.
You've been carrying too manythings that you never really
wanted to carry or signed up for, right, trying to hold these
old agreements, these old rules,old expectations that don't fit
anymore, and managing all ofthat it's exhausting, right.

(10:05):
It's like trying to run with aweighted vest on but you can't
see the weight.
Right.
So you start thinking thatmaybe something is just wrong
with you.
But what if it's not you, right?
What if it's the agreementsthat you've made?
What if your energy isn't lowbecause you're unmotivated, but

(10:26):
because you're drained fromtolerating a version of life
that isn't really yours, right,that's something worth sitting
with.
It isn't really yours, right,that's something worth sitting
with.
The fourth shift is small no'sequal big self-leadership.
You know, we tend to think thatleadership has to be, that it

(10:47):
has to be loud, it has to bebold and brandish right, and
that it has to come with somebig announcement or dramatic
life change right.
But real leadership, realself-leadership, starts quietly.
It starts with the small,honest no's right.
So no, I'm not taking that calltoday.

(11:10):
No, I'm not over-committingmyself again.
No, I'm not over committingmyself again.
No, I'm not available for thistype of dynamic anymore, even if
I used to be right.
These don't have to beconfrontational, they don't even
have to be explained, but theydo need to be consistent,

(11:31):
because they're not just aboutsetting boundaries with the
world.
They're about building a newstandard with yourself, and
that's where respect starts, notfrom others, but from you.
So, yeah, this isn't aboutoverhauling your life overnight,
right, it's about startingsmall, choosing differently,

(11:56):
tightening your boundaries onemoment at a time.
But before you jump back intoyour day, I want to slow things
down for a minute, becauseawareness is one thing, but
honest reflection that's wherethe shift truly begins.
This next part of the episodeit's for you Not to just hear

(12:21):
but to feel into.
These aren't just throwawayjournal prompts.
These are real invitations tocheck in with yourself and to
lead from truth.
So if you're somewhere quiet,then great, take a breath, and
if you've got your journal, evenbetter.
So here are a few questions tosit with.

(12:44):
The first one is what am Itolerating right now that my
future self wouldn't be okaywith.
And not just the big obviousstuff, right.
And not just the big obviousstuff, right.
Look at the small daily thingsthat quietly wear you down.

(13:04):
The second question is what'sone thing on my calendar this
week that I already know thatI'm not going to follow through
on?
What did I say yes to?
And what would it look like tobe honest or to renegotiate it?
Right, because this doesn'thave to just be X-ing everything

(13:24):
out.
I mean, being honest can bereaching back out and say you
know, I know that I said thatthis works for me, but it
doesn't.
Is there another time that wecan do this Right?
The third question is where am Ibrushing something off?
Like it's not a big deal, butdeep down, you know that it is.
And what's it costing me, evenif no one else notices?

(13:48):
The fourth question is who am Ibecoming through what I keep
tolerating?
And I want you to be real here.
This is is that version of yousomething that you actually like
and respect?
And the fifth question iswhat's one thing that I'm done

(14:08):
tolerating, starting today, andit doesn't have to be loud, just
true.
And I want you to let thesequestions land you back to your
center, and not into guilt,right, not into overwhelm or
into shame, right, but just intoclarity, because clarity that's
the beginning of power and theman that you're becoming, right.

(14:30):
He leads from truth, not fromtoleration, all right.
So let's get real here for asecond right Tolerating stuff
that drains you, that's notstrength, as I said earlier,
that's surrender right.
It's handing over your powerslowly, subtly right, without

(14:50):
even realizing it.
And most guys don't even see ithappening, because we've been
trained to carry it all, tomanage, to perform, to keep it
together, to hold the line foreveryone else, and somewhere in
that we lost touch with what weneed, with what self-respect

(15:12):
even feels like.
But that can shift right now,because here's the truth you are
always building your identity.
Every time that you say yes tosomething that feels off, every
time that you stay quiet whensomething crosses the line,
every time that you bend yourboundaries to avoid tension,

(15:34):
you're shaping the man thatyou're becoming.
But you're also allowed torewrite that story, and it
doesn't have to start withblowing up your life.
It starts with one simple move.
Pick just one thing, one thingthat you're done tolerating and

(15:55):
that old agreement.
Break it right or, better yet,rewrite it right.
Decide what you're availablefor instead, because the moment
that you stop putting up withwhat drains you, that's the
moment that you start leadingyourself, and that's what
strength actually looks like.

(16:15):
Not grinding through more right,but choosing to be better.
If this episode spoke to you,if you're realizing like, wow,
I've been tolerating way toomuch in my life and you're ready
to step into to more confidence, more freedom and just more

(16:36):
ownership overall on your life,then then I want you to take the
next step right.
Head over toevolvedmenprojectcom and book a
free discovery call with me.
We'll have a, a realconversation.
No pressure, no sales pitch,just an honest look at what's
going on in your world and whereyou might be holding back and

(16:58):
how you can start showing upwith more courage and more
clarity.
You'll also find there a free,powerful resource called A Man's
Guide to Self-Leadership.
It's a great starting point ifyou're ready to stop tolerating
and start leading your life withboldness and purpose, because

(17:18):
this isn't about being perfect.
It's about getting real, takingownership and deciding that
this ends.
Now I'm no longer available forthis, so go check it out, take
action.
Here's what I want you toremember at the end of this

(17:39):
episode, no matter what right,that your life is shaped just by
what you do right.
And every time that you chooseto stop tolerating something
that drains you, you reclaim apiece of your strength.
And this work doesn't requireperfection.
It requires honesty, right andthe courage to make one better

(18:00):
choice today than you didyesterday.
And you don't have to have itall figured out.
Just start with one newagreement and honor it right,
live by it right and and walkevery day like you mean it.
I'll check you out on the nextepisode, leave a five-star
review, follow the show and sendit to a man who, who needs to

(18:24):
hear it, because that's how wegrow this mission, one brother
at a time.

(18:48):
I'll see you next time.
On confidence, leadership,relationships, communication and
personal power Everything youneed to start applying what
you've learned here and takeyour growth to the next level.
The tools are there.
The next move is yours.
Until the next time, men, staystrong, lead powerfully and live
boldly.