May 7, 2025 • 18 mins
In this deeply reflective episode, we explore the complex psychology behind validation-seeking behavior and why it's become so prevalent in our digital age. Through relatable examples, I illustrate how social media has intensified our dependence on external validation as well as how we often cling to relationships for the small dopamine hit of self-worth. The most empowering concept discussed is what I call the "internal confetti celebration"— developing the ability to fully acknowledge and celebrate your achievements even when no one else does.
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Episode Transcript
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Laura (00:03):
Welcome to the Main Allure podcast with your host,
Laura.
In today's episode, I want todiscuss what it means to seek
validation, the differencesbetween internal and external
validation, how it affects ourdaily lives and ways we can
(00:26):
reduce our dependence on seekingthe approval of others.
Internal validation isaccepting who we are, flaws and
all, recognizing our feelingsand emotions and acknowledging
our thoughts and beliefs, aswell as staying true to our
values, never wavering from thatin order to seek the approval
of others.
(00:47):
It does help to develop a greatdeal of confidence.
It boosts your self-esteem and,as a result, you don't really
care about what people think ofyou.
People may criticize you and itjust blows over why?
Because you're confident andyou're very sure of your
self-worth.
(01:07):
This usually happens when,let's say, you get a promotion
and no one congratulates you,which would be horrible.
Or you reach your ideal weight,you've worked out for so long
and you're finally there, but noone claps for you.
No one says, hey, great job,you're finally there, but no one
(01:27):
claps for you.
No one says hey, great job.
And these reactions, or lackthereof, they won't faze you
because this internal confetticelebration is already going on
in your head, so you don't evennotice.
Right Before we continue, Iwant you to take a minute and
think about something thatyou've achieved recently that
perhaps you didn't get therecognition that you wanted out
of it, and I want you to clapfor yourself.
(01:50):
I want you to feel like youhave accomplished something
great.
It could be something as simpleas making your bed in the
morning, but what I want you todo is to start developing a
sense of pride where you knowyourself, and it doesn't matter
whether someone claps for you ornot.
You know deep down that you'vedone something that you're proud
(02:11):
of.
So let's celebrate that yes,clap for yourself, give yourself
a pat on the back and be proud,and be proud Now, on the other
hand, external validation, Ifeel, is the bane of our
existence.
(02:36):
It is something that, ever sincesocial media became a thing, we
have become so reliant and sodependent on external validation
that we have almost forgottento look within and understand
what gives us value, what givesus a sense of self-worth, and so
, in return, we start to lookoutwards and rely on others to
give us that sense of validation, and sometimes it looks like
(02:58):
perhaps someone giving youcompliments In social media, for
example.
You see this when people areobsessed with how many likes
they get on their posts, ontheir reels or, you TikTok,
whatever, and it becomes a bitof an obsession, almost so.
I'll give you an example of howpeople tend to seek external
(03:20):
validation.
So imagine that you're onsocial media and maybe you went
on vacation somewhere and, ofcourse, when you're on vacation,
you tend to.
You know you look your best,your skin is glistening and
you're tanned and you'resomewhere sunny, hopefully with
a beach in the background.
(03:40):
And so, let's say, you're takingpictures and now you post one
of these photos on your socialmedia and, for some reason,
people love the photo.
Right, everybody's liking yourpictures, maybe your previous
photos you got, maybe you knowfive to 10 likes, let's say.
But in this case you aregetting 20, 30, 40, you know 40
(04:03):
likes, getting 20, 30, 40, youknow 40 likes.
And so now this you're startingto associate your sense of
self-worth with how you look,how you appear in this photo,
perhaps even your, you know.
Let's say, you have a crush.
Now your crush is liking thepicture too, like this is how
amazing your photo.
The first thing that goesthrough your mind is I was like
(04:25):
wow, people are really liking myphoto, I need to post more
photos.
So now you're going out of yourway to take similar photos, or
maybe go out some more and takemore pictures.
And now you're posting photosonline.
But maybe the second time youdo it you don't get the same
reaction.
Now maybe going back to thesame 5, 10 likes that you
(04:48):
usually get, and your sense ofself-worth now has gone down as
a result of that.
It doesn't mean that you're lesslikable.
Perhaps people just they lovethe way that you look every time
, but maybe this time wow, youknow, there was a great sunset
in the background and they lovethat.
They love the fact that youwere on vacation and that you
(05:09):
were happy and enjoying yourself.
It doesn't necessarily meanthat is because you look better
or anything like that, but wetend to internalize that feeling
and we start to seek that samereaction over and over again.
So now you're posting more.
Now you're posting things thatmay want to, and over again.
So now you're posting more.
Now you're posting things thatmay want to cause a reaction.
(05:30):
Maybe you're wearing lessclothes, but again, the point is
that you start to associate theamount of likes that you get
with your sense of value.
And that's always a danger,right, that's always dangerous,
because we don't really know whypeople like your picture.
We don't really know.
Maybe there was a time duringthe day where everybody was just
at home, bored, there wasnothing to do, it was a Sunday
(05:52):
and they just had the free timeto sit around and like pictures,
and they saw yours and theyliked it.
But we tend to internalize theway that we feel with the
reactions that we get from otherpeople.
We tend to associate that withhow we look, how we show
ourselves in the world, andthat's an assumption, right?
It's not necessarily true,unless we go and ask everyone
(06:14):
that likes your photo, hey, whydid you like my photo?
You'll never know.
So I say this because I don'twant us to start to solely
depend on these types ofvalidations to believe that we
are worth something, and thedanger in that is that now, when
you look at social media, forexample, everybody looks the
(06:34):
same.
Everybody has the same hair,same eyebrows, sometimes the
lashes, the same body.
Why?
Because they probably saw thatthere was someone out there who
had that same look and they weregetting all of this attention,
and so now they want that sameattention for themselves, but
the truth is that and we don'tknow why you know what I mean.
(06:57):
So what causes someone to reactto a photo over another doesn't
matter.
We shouldn't be relying on otherpeople to help us feel good.
The minute that you start to dothat, you're going to feel
enslaved to the idea that theiropinions, their reactions, are
what are keeping you sane, andthat's the furthest from the
(07:18):
truth.
All of that comes from within.
All of that comes from you.
You should not have to expect.
You should be giving yourselfgrace.
There's no way that you can saythat how you look, how you
appear, how you show up in theworld is based on how people
perceive or value a photo.
The more you expect validationvia through compliments from
(07:43):
others or praise, the moreyou're going to start to feel
like you're in a cage, likeyou're putting yourself in a
cage, where now you're reliantand dependent on all of these
things in order for you to feellike you are worth something,
and this will eventually take ahuge hit on your self-esteem,
(08:03):
because it's not something thatis sustainable.
The minute that you startexpecting others to make you
feel good about yourself, tomake you feel needed, wanted,
respected, is the moment thatanytime and at any point.
When it doesn't happen, then italmost makes you want to spiral
, because now you're wondering,you're asking yourself why isn't
(08:25):
it happening?
What do I need to do in orderfor me to feel this feeling
again?
Right, and so I want you tostart instead to rely on
yourself, to rely on your ownself-worth and your own
self-esteem, to feel that senseof worth, to feel like you
belong, to feel like you havethat sense of respect that
perhaps you're not getting fromsomewhere else or from someone
(08:46):
else.
External validation comes inmany forms, and one of them is
through verbal validation, andone of them is through verbal
validation.
This is when you ask someonefor a favor and they say sure,
I'll do it.
Or maybe someone is giving youan opinion and you say, yes, I
hear you, I understand.
There's also theacknowledgement of someone's
(09:08):
feelings.
So whenever they say I love youand they say I love you back,
right, that's a sense ofvalidation.
Imagine if you tell someone Ilove you and they say okay, love
you, and they say I love youback, right, that's a sense of
validation.
Imagine if you tell someone Ilove you and they say okay, you
know, it's obviously not a goodfeeling.
You feel like, okay, well, Iguess you don't feel the same
way I do.
That doesn't make it wrong, butyou know it's not the same
feeling, right.
(09:28):
At the same time, you haveunspoken validation, and this is
when someone will give you eyecontact, perhaps when you speak
to them, or maybe when they seeyou, they give you a hug, they
shake your hand.
These are all externalvalidations, showing that they
acknowledge you, that they seeyour presence and that they
(09:50):
value you in some way or evenrespect you.
External validation also lookslike allowing someone to speak,
allowing someone to expressthemselves.
If you think about people whoperhaps don't allow you to do
that, they're essentiallytelling you that they don't care
for your opinion, for yourthoughts and your feelings.
(10:10):
So when you see someone who ispausing and allowing you to
speak, allowing you to expresshow you feel, that's also a
sense of validation, because nowyou feel heard, now you feel
seen, and it shows that theyrespect you.
This is a great way tostrengthen the bond with someone
, because it deepens and itstrengthens the level of
(10:34):
intimacy that you share bygiving yourself permission to be
vocal, to be expressive in theways that are best fit for you.
So, whenever you are involvedwith someone, it's so important
to allow yourself the space andthe time to express yourselves,
never taking things personally,but allowing yourselves to
vocalize how you feel, because,at the end of the day, it shows
(10:56):
a sense of respect, a sense ofcare.
This is how you end up reducingthe level of conflict that
happens, because now you'reunderstanding that, hey, your
opinion matters, and so doesmine.
And by allowing ourselves theopportunity to share those is
how we better learn tounderstand each other and to
value each other's opinions,despite of how we may feel.
(11:20):
A healthy dose of externalvalidation is always good for
our self-esteem.
But what happens when we relyon external validation for
everything?
We expect our partners to carrythe burden of always ensuring
that our self-esteem is intact,that we feel worthy, that we
feel valued, and, like Imentioned earlier, a lot of that
(11:43):
needs to come from within.
If we're always relying onsomeone else or something else
to provide that for us, whathappens when they pull the plug
or they're no longer there?
What do we do then?
Your insecurities start tocreep up, that sense of
dependency increases and we feelrejected, even discarded,
(12:04):
abandoned.
Working on ourselves and makingsure that we're constantly
giving ourselves the validationwe need will reduce the need for
us to seek that validation fromoutside sources.
At that point, whatever anyoneelse thinks outside of ourselves
won't affect us as much.
It will be a big plus.
Right, it will feel amazing,but it won't be the only way
(12:27):
that we feel amazing.
It would be an add-on, and Ilove that.
You feel that I'm amazing too,but I already knew that I was
amazing.
I already knew that I wassomeone who deserves love and
respect.
Your authentic self will thankyou as a result, because now it
doesn't matter what the worldthinks.
It doesn't matter how the worldsees you or views you.
(12:49):
Your authenticity will carryyou through and, as a result,
you will feel like you are ontop of the world, regardless of
what anyone thinks of you.
There are other times, however,where we do have to protect
ourselves from relationshipsthat are borderline, toxic,
borderline abusive, that end upmaking us feel unsafe and do
(13:13):
more harm than we ever expected.
Something that abusiverelationships tend to do is make
you reliant on their validation.
Not only are they feeding younegative validation, you know,
knocking down your self-esteem,making you feel worthless, just
(13:35):
so they could bring you back upso that they can knock it down
again.
Right, it's a cycle.
They are so dependent on thevalidation from this abuser or
(13:58):
this someone who is not good forthem that they almost tend to
overlook all of the bad thingsthat happen, just for the sake
of getting that dopamine hit,where perhaps 10% of the time
they're getting that validation,that they seem to just forget
that the other 90% of the timethey're being abused, they're
being treated unfairly, and sothey tend to block that out and
(14:19):
solely focus on the positivesinstead of the negatives.
Now let me give you some waysthat you can help alleviate the
need to seek external validation, and the first one is to listen
to your inner voice.
What is your inner voicetelling you?
If you start feeling insecure,perhaps inadequate, whenever
(14:40):
you're in a certain place oraround certain people, ask
yourself why that is.
Ask yourself what it is thatyour body or that your sense of
self, your self-esteem, istrying to tell you.
And give yourself some grace.
Tell yourself how great you'redoing, how amazing you are and,
(15:00):
sure, even if you're not feelingthat way, fake it until you
make it.
But the goal here is to stopexpecting external validation
from outside sources every time,so that whenever you don't
receive that, whenever you don'tget it, you don't feel like
crap.
Right, that's the goal.
You also have to be kind toyourself.
If there are times in whichyou're not feeling your best
self, it's always best to dosomething that you really enjoy.
(15:23):
Focus on your favorite hobby,watch a movie, listen to your
favorite song, find ways thatcould distract you or at least
help you refocus on what'simportant, which is feeling good
and not expecting outsidevalidation all the time.
Also, start focusing oninternal validation instead.
(15:44):
What are the things that youvalue?
What gives you a sense ofself-worth?
Pat yourself on the back,congratulate yourself on your
wins, even when nobody does.
Did you make your favorite mealwithout burning the pot, the
pots and pans?
Hey, that's a win, that'ssomething that you can celebrate
(16:08):
.
Again.
The goal here is to eliminatethe need to rely on external
validation.
So, whatever makes you feelgood inside, whatever makes you
feel like you're amazing, you'reworthy, you're valuable, that's
what you should be focusing on.
And lastly, you have to learnhow to set healthy boundaries
Knowing when to say no, knowingwhen something doesn't feel
right, shifting that focus onsomething else, eliminating the
(16:31):
people, places and things thatmake you feel unworthy, that
make you feel disrespected.
That will help you erase thatthe need to constantly seek
external validation.
Once you surround yourself withpeople who are loving and
caring, who are there to supportyou, to provide you with love
and care, to give you thatessential need to belong, that's
(16:54):
when you're going to start tofeel your best.
That's when you're going tostart to know that I'm on the
right track.
This is the life path that Ishould be on.
And as long as you're aroundtoxicity, as long as you're
around negativity, as long asyou're around disrespect, you're
always going to feel like youneed an extra boost of
validation.
(17:15):
So, in the meantime, set thoseboundaries, take care of
yourself, practice self-care andremember your authentic self
will thank you for it, andknowing your worth is half the
battle.
In closing, I would love torecommend that, whenever you
have some time, to create a moodboard that describes and
(17:36):
provides you with all of thewonderful things that you've
accomplished, that you'veachieved, and post it on a wall
somewhere, so that every time orany time that you feel that
you're not good enough that yourworth is lesser than that you
feel invalidated.
Take a look at it.
Create a me wall where you canalways look up to or admire
(17:59):
anytime that you're feeling icky, that you're feeling upset,
that you're feeling insecuremaybe you had a bad day.
Get in the habit of alwayshaving something to go back to
whenever you're not feeling yourbest self and, with time, you
won't even consider the opinionsof others, because the opinions
of others are not as valuableas your own.
(18:21):
Thank you for listening to theMain Allure podcast.
I appreciate you for listening.
Don't forget to like, share andsubscribe, and until next week,
bye.
Welcome to the Main Allure podcast with your host,
Laura.
In today's episode, I want todiscuss what it means to seek
validation, the differencesbetween internal and external
validation, how it affects ourdaily lives and ways we can
(00:26):
reduce our dependence on seekingthe approval of others.
Internal validation isaccepting who we are, flaws and
all, recognizing our feelingsand emotions and acknowledging
our thoughts and beliefs, aswell as staying true to our
values, never wavering from thatin order to seek the approval
of others.
(00:47):
It does help to develop a greatdeal of confidence.
It boosts your self-esteem and,as a result, you don't really
care about what people think ofyou.
People may criticize you and itjust blows over why?
Because you're confident andyou're very sure of your
self-worth.
(01:07):
This usually happens when,let's say, you get a promotion
and no one congratulates you,which would be horrible.
Or you reach your ideal weight,you've worked out for so long
and you're finally there, but noone claps for you.
No one says, hey, great job,you're finally there, but no one
(01:27):
claps for you.
No one says hey, great job.
And these reactions, or lackthereof, they won't faze you
because this internal confetticelebration is already going on
in your head, so you don't evennotice.
Right Before we continue, Iwant you to take a minute and
think about something thatyou've achieved recently that
perhaps you didn't get therecognition that you wanted out
of it, and I want you to clapfor yourself.
(01:50):
I want you to feel like youhave accomplished something
great.
It could be something as simpleas making your bed in the
morning, but what I want you todo is to start developing a
sense of pride where you knowyourself, and it doesn't matter
whether someone claps for you ornot.
You know deep down that you'vedone something that you're proud
(02:11):
of.
So let's celebrate that yes,clap for yourself, give yourself
a pat on the back and be proud,and be proud Now, on the other
hand, external validation, Ifeel, is the bane of our
existence.
(02:36):
It is something that, ever sincesocial media became a thing, we
have become so reliant and sodependent on external validation
that we have almost forgottento look within and understand
what gives us value, what givesus a sense of self-worth, and so
, in return, we start to lookoutwards and rely on others to
give us that sense of validation, and sometimes it looks like
(02:58):
perhaps someone giving youcompliments In social media, for
example.
You see this when people areobsessed with how many likes
they get on their posts, ontheir reels or, you TikTok,
whatever, and it becomes a bitof an obsession, almost so.
I'll give you an example of howpeople tend to seek external
(03:20):
validation.
So imagine that you're onsocial media and maybe you went
on vacation somewhere and, ofcourse, when you're on vacation,
you tend to.
You know you look your best,your skin is glistening and
you're tanned and you'resomewhere sunny, hopefully with
a beach in the background.
(03:40):
And so, let's say, you're takingpictures and now you post one
of these photos on your socialmedia and, for some reason,
people love the photo.
Right, everybody's liking yourpictures, maybe your previous
photos you got, maybe you knowfive to 10 likes, let's say.
But in this case you aregetting 20, 30, 40, you know 40
(04:03):
likes, getting 20, 30, 40, youknow 40 likes.
And so now this you're startingto associate your sense of
self-worth with how you look,how you appear in this photo,
perhaps even your, you know.
Let's say, you have a crush.
Now your crush is liking thepicture too, like this is how
amazing your photo.
The first thing that goesthrough your mind is I was like
(04:25):
wow, people are really liking myphoto, I need to post more
photos.
So now you're going out of yourway to take similar photos, or
maybe go out some more and takemore pictures.
And now you're posting photosonline.
But maybe the second time youdo it you don't get the same
reaction.
Now maybe going back to thesame 5, 10 likes that you
(04:48):
usually get, and your sense ofself-worth now has gone down as
a result of that.
It doesn't mean that you're lesslikable.
Perhaps people just they lovethe way that you look every time
, but maybe this time wow, youknow, there was a great sunset
in the background and they lovethat.
They love the fact that youwere on vacation and that you
(05:09):
were happy and enjoying yourself.
It doesn't necessarily meanthat is because you look better
or anything like that, but wetend to internalize that feeling
and we start to seek that samereaction over and over again.
So now you're posting more.
Now you're posting things thatmay want to, and over again.
So now you're posting more.
Now you're posting things thatmay want to cause a reaction.
(05:30):
Maybe you're wearing lessclothes, but again, the point is
that you start to associate theamount of likes that you get
with your sense of value.
And that's always a danger,right, that's always dangerous,
because we don't really know whypeople like your picture.
We don't really know.
Maybe there was a time duringthe day where everybody was just
at home, bored, there wasnothing to do, it was a Sunday
(05:52):
and they just had the free timeto sit around and like pictures,
and they saw yours and theyliked it.
But we tend to internalize theway that we feel with the
reactions that we get from otherpeople.
We tend to associate that withhow we look, how we show
ourselves in the world, andthat's an assumption, right?
It's not necessarily true,unless we go and ask everyone
(06:14):
that likes your photo, hey, whydid you like my photo?
You'll never know.
So I say this because I don'twant us to start to solely
depend on these types ofvalidations to believe that we
are worth something, and thedanger in that is that now, when
you look at social media, forexample, everybody looks the
(06:34):
same.
Everybody has the same hair,same eyebrows, sometimes the
lashes, the same body.
Why?
Because they probably saw thatthere was someone out there who
had that same look and they weregetting all of this attention,
and so now they want that sameattention for themselves, but
the truth is that and we don'tknow why you know what I mean.
(06:57):
So what causes someone to reactto a photo over another doesn't
matter.
We shouldn't be relying on otherpeople to help us feel good.
The minute that you start to dothat, you're going to feel
enslaved to the idea that theiropinions, their reactions, are
what are keeping you sane, andthat's the furthest from the
(07:18):
truth.
All of that comes from within.
All of that comes from you.
You should not have to expect.
You should be giving yourselfgrace.
There's no way that you can saythat how you look, how you
appear, how you show up in theworld is based on how people
perceive or value a photo.
The more you expect validationvia through compliments from
(07:43):
others or praise, the moreyou're going to start to feel
like you're in a cage, likeyou're putting yourself in a
cage, where now you're reliantand dependent on all of these
things in order for you to feellike you are worth something,
and this will eventually take ahuge hit on your self-esteem,
(08:03):
because it's not something thatis sustainable.
The minute that you startexpecting others to make you
feel good about yourself, tomake you feel needed, wanted,
respected, is the moment thatanytime and at any point.
When it doesn't happen, then italmost makes you want to spiral
, because now you're wondering,you're asking yourself why isn't
(08:25):
it happening?
What do I need to do in orderfor me to feel this feeling
again?
Right, and so I want you tostart instead to rely on
yourself, to rely on your ownself-worth and your own
self-esteem, to feel that senseof worth, to feel like you
belong, to feel like you havethat sense of respect that
perhaps you're not getting fromsomewhere else or from someone
(08:46):
else.
External validation comes inmany forms, and one of them is
through verbal validation, andone of them is through verbal
validation.
This is when you ask someonefor a favor and they say sure,
I'll do it.
Or maybe someone is giving youan opinion and you say, yes, I
hear you, I understand.
There's also theacknowledgement of someone's
(09:08):
feelings.
So whenever they say I love youand they say I love you back,
right, that's a sense ofvalidation.
Imagine if you tell someone Ilove you and they say okay, love
you, and they say I love youback, right, that's a sense of
validation.
Imagine if you tell someone Ilove you and they say okay, you
know, it's obviously not a goodfeeling.
You feel like, okay, well, Iguess you don't feel the same
way I do.
That doesn't make it wrong, butyou know it's not the same
feeling, right.
(09:28):
At the same time, you haveunspoken validation, and this is
when someone will give you eyecontact, perhaps when you speak
to them, or maybe when they seeyou, they give you a hug, they
shake your hand.
These are all externalvalidations, showing that they
acknowledge you, that they seeyour presence and that they
(09:50):
value you in some way or evenrespect you.
External validation also lookslike allowing someone to speak,
allowing someone to expressthemselves.
If you think about people whoperhaps don't allow you to do
that, they're essentiallytelling you that they don't care
for your opinion, for yourthoughts and your feelings.
(10:10):
So when you see someone who ispausing and allowing you to
speak, allowing you to expresshow you feel, that's also a
sense of validation, because nowyou feel heard, now you feel
seen, and it shows that theyrespect you.
This is a great way tostrengthen the bond with someone
, because it deepens and itstrengthens the level of
(10:34):
intimacy that you share bygiving yourself permission to be
vocal, to be expressive in theways that are best fit for you.
So, whenever you are involvedwith someone, it's so important
to allow yourself the space andthe time to express yourselves,
never taking things personally,but allowing yourselves to
vocalize how you feel, because,at the end of the day, it shows
(10:56):
a sense of respect, a sense ofcare.
This is how you end up reducingthe level of conflict that
happens, because now you'reunderstanding that, hey, your
opinion matters, and so doesmine.
And by allowing ourselves theopportunity to share those is
how we better learn tounderstand each other and to
value each other's opinions,despite of how we may feel.
(11:20):
A healthy dose of externalvalidation is always good for
our self-esteem.
But what happens when we relyon external validation for
everything?
We expect our partners to carrythe burden of always ensuring
that our self-esteem is intact,that we feel worthy, that we
feel valued, and, like Imentioned earlier, a lot of that
(11:43):
needs to come from within.
If we're always relying onsomeone else or something else
to provide that for us, whathappens when they pull the plug
or they're no longer there?
What do we do then?
Your insecurities start tocreep up, that sense of
dependency increases and we feelrejected, even discarded,
(12:04):
abandoned.
Working on ourselves and makingsure that we're constantly
giving ourselves the validationwe need will reduce the need for
us to seek that validation fromoutside sources.
At that point, whatever anyoneelse thinks outside of ourselves
won't affect us as much.
It will be a big plus.
Right, it will feel amazing,but it won't be the only way
(12:27):
that we feel amazing.
It would be an add-on, and Ilove that.
You feel that I'm amazing too,but I already knew that I was
amazing.
I already knew that I wassomeone who deserves love and
respect.
Your authentic self will thankyou as a result, because now it
doesn't matter what the worldthinks.
It doesn't matter how the worldsees you or views you.
(12:49):
Your authenticity will carryyou through and, as a result,
you will feel like you are ontop of the world, regardless of
what anyone thinks of you.
There are other times, however,where we do have to protect
ourselves from relationshipsthat are borderline, toxic,
borderline abusive, that end upmaking us feel unsafe and do
(13:13):
more harm than we ever expected.
Something that abusiverelationships tend to do is make
you reliant on their validation.
Not only are they feeding younegative validation, you know,
knocking down your self-esteem,making you feel worthless, just
(13:35):
so they could bring you back upso that they can knock it down
again.
Right, it's a cycle.
They are so dependent on thevalidation from this abuser or
(13:58):
this someone who is not good forthem that they almost tend to
overlook all of the bad thingsthat happen, just for the sake
of getting that dopamine hit,where perhaps 10% of the time
they're getting that validation,that they seem to just forget
that the other 90% of the timethey're being abused, they're
being treated unfairly, and sothey tend to block that out and
(14:19):
solely focus on the positivesinstead of the negatives.
Now let me give you some waysthat you can help alleviate the
need to seek external validation, and the first one is to listen
to your inner voice.
What is your inner voicetelling you?
If you start feeling insecure,perhaps inadequate, whenever
(14:40):
you're in a certain place oraround certain people, ask
yourself why that is.
Ask yourself what it is thatyour body or that your sense of
self, your self-esteem, istrying to tell you.
And give yourself some grace.
Tell yourself how great you'redoing, how amazing you are and,
(15:00):
sure, even if you're not feelingthat way, fake it until you
make it.
But the goal here is to stopexpecting external validation
from outside sources every time,so that whenever you don't
receive that, whenever you don'tget it, you don't feel like
crap.
Right, that's the goal.
You also have to be kind toyourself.
If there are times in whichyou're not feeling your best
self, it's always best to dosomething that you really enjoy.
(15:23):
Focus on your favorite hobby,watch a movie, listen to your
favorite song, find ways thatcould distract you or at least
help you refocus on what'simportant, which is feeling good
and not expecting outsidevalidation all the time.
Also, start focusing oninternal validation instead.
(15:44):
What are the things that youvalue?
What gives you a sense ofself-worth?
Pat yourself on the back,congratulate yourself on your
wins, even when nobody does.
Did you make your favorite mealwithout burning the pot, the
pots and pans?
Hey, that's a win, that'ssomething that you can celebrate
(16:08):
.
Again.
The goal here is to eliminatethe need to rely on external
validation.
So, whatever makes you feelgood inside, whatever makes you
feel like you're amazing, you'reworthy, you're valuable, that's
what you should be focusing on.
And lastly, you have to learnhow to set healthy boundaries
Knowing when to say no, knowingwhen something doesn't feel
right, shifting that focus onsomething else, eliminating the
(16:31):
people, places and things thatmake you feel unworthy, that
make you feel disrespected.
That will help you erase thatthe need to constantly seek
external validation.
Once you surround yourself withpeople who are loving and
caring, who are there to supportyou, to provide you with love
and care, to give you thatessential need to belong, that's
(16:54):
when you're going to start tofeel your best.
That's when you're going tostart to know that I'm on the
right track.
This is the life path that Ishould be on.
And as long as you're aroundtoxicity, as long as you're
around negativity, as long asyou're around disrespect, you're
always going to feel like youneed an extra boost of
validation.
(17:15):
So, in the meantime, set thoseboundaries, take care of
yourself, practice self-care andremember your authentic self
will thank you for it, andknowing your worth is half the
battle.
In closing, I would love torecommend that, whenever you
have some time, to create a moodboard that describes and
(17:36):
provides you with all of thewonderful things that you've
accomplished, that you'veachieved, and post it on a wall
somewhere, so that every time orany time that you feel that
you're not good enough that yourworth is lesser than that you
feel invalidated.
Take a look at it.
Create a me wall where you canalways look up to or admire
(17:59):
anytime that you're feeling icky, that you're feeling upset,
that you're feeling insecuremaybe you had a bad day.
Get in the habit of alwayshaving something to go back to
whenever you're not feeling yourbest self and, with time, you
won't even consider the opinionsof others, because the opinions
of others are not as valuableas your own.
(18:21):
Thank you for listening to theMain Allure podcast.
I appreciate you for listening.
Don't forget to like, share andsubscribe, and until next week,
bye.
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