Ep. 8 | Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Knowing the Difference, Owning Both

What would remain if everything you've achieved suddenly vanished? Your job, titles, accolades – gone. Would you still believe you matter? This question forms the heart of this episode's exploration into the profound difference between self-worth and self-esteem. How stable is the foundation of your self-worth?

🎶 Nikki Giovanni - My House

Episode Transcript

Laura (00:00):
Welcome to the Main Allure podcast.
I am your host, laura, yourunofficial mentor and motivator.
Imagine if everything you'veever achieved disappeared
overnight Everything From yourjob, your titles, your accolades
.
.
.
Would you still believe youmatter?

(00:23):
Today, we're diving into thatquiet, powerful difference
between your self-worth andself-esteem, and why knowing it
could change the way you seeyourself forever.
There was once a young ladynamed Maya who lived in a small

(00:45):
S he loved to decorate her home.
C hanging the curtains, addingnew rugs, painting the walls,
rearranging furniture, we knowhow we get when we try to
rearrange furniture.
Everything she needed to makeit feel like home, she tried.
So everything she needed tomake it feel like home, she
tried.
And whenever friends wouldvisit, she was complimented

(01:08):
often on her decor.
So she was extremely proud ofthis.
But if there were ever someonewho would criticize her, maybe
they'll say hey, Maya, thosecurtains look a little, they
don't match the decor.
What's going on here?
Well, of course Maya would feelcrushed, like her home just

(01:29):
wasn't good enough.
One day there was a storm thatwas rolling in and these heavy
winds tore through the town, somany houses lost their shingles,
the paint was peeled, windowswere cracked, but somehow Maya's
home stood firm.
Its foundation, which has stoodup the tens of time, was laid

(01:52):
by her grandfather years ago,and so it held strong as those
storms ravaged through the town.
That's when she realizedsomething, all the decor, the
paint, the rugs, the furniture,even other people's opinions
could come and go, but it wasthat solid foundation that truly

(02:13):
mattered, and that was herself-worth.
Everything else, just herever-changing self-esteem.
And self-worth is like thatfoundation of a house it's solid
, it's stable and exists nomatter what, no matter the
furniture or decorations thatyou put inside.

(02:34):
On the other hand, yourself-esteem is like that decor,
those curtains that people maynot like.
Sometimes it could change basedon the trends, the weather or
what other people think looksgood, but it all rests on that
unshakable foundation.
Regardless of what people thinkof your decor, without the

(03:00):
foundation, that decor doesn'tmatter much.
S elf-worth is that deep,unconditional belief that you
are valuable and deserving oflove and respect, simply because
you exist.
It is intrinsic and it doesn'tdepend on your achievements,
your status, how others view you.

(03:22):
But self-esteem, on the otherhand, is more extrinsic, it's
more conditional, and it is howyou evaluate yourself based on
your abilities, youraccomplishments and how you
compare yourself to others.
So this is when the opinions ofother people tend to have a
bigger effect on us.

(03:43):
It can fluctuate depending onyour success, the feedback that
you get, how other peopleperceive you, how you perceive
yourself and your failures.
Think of it this way Self-worthis who you are.
Self-esteem is how you feelabout what you do.

(04:04):
I want you to ask yourself whatparts of your identity feel
like solid ground, the partsthat are unshakable even when
life gets messy, and what partsfeel more like your decor,

(04:29):
easily influenced by otherpeople or circumstances.
Where does your self-worth comefrom?
Well, your childhood plays aprofound and foundational role
in shaping your sense ofself-worth, which is the belief
that you have inherent value andare worthy of love and
belonging.
And this is because, aschildren, we are highly
dependent on the people who takecare of us, and so we

(04:52):
internalize those perceptions ofus.
We internalize the way theyperceive us, and when you think
about the interactions you havewith your parents or your
guardians of people who takecare of you, there are some
factors.
So, for example, there'smirroring, where your caregiver
accurately reflects youremotions when you're a child.

(05:14):
If you're feeling sad, theyacknowledge that you're sad.
If you are scared or uncertain,they recognize it and they
soothe that feeling.
They help you cope and nurtureyou and it helps you, as a child
, understand and accept thatinner world.

(05:35):
It helps you feel like you'resafe to express those emotions
so you can also think of howthey respond to your needs.
Are they consistent?
Are they sensitive to yourneeds?
The way that they show you thatyou are seen and heard and you
feel important?
Do you often get that sense ofvalidation where you're

(05:58):
acknowledged?
Or your feelings, your efforts,your accomplishments are
acknowledged, even when you makemistakes?
It does teach you that yourexperiences are valid and that
you are indeed capable,regardless of the outcome.
And so when you have a lack ofthis, you often feel like

(06:19):
there's not enough mirroring,like there's no validation, that
it's limited.
The ability to self-assess canbe stunted or damaged, which can
oftentimes hurt yourself-esteem, and, as a result,
you end up internalizing thesefeelings, these feelings of not

(06:39):
being good enough or not beingworthy, or that your feelings
don't matter.
Let's dig a little deeper intothe different parenting styles
and how that could have animpact on our self-worth.
And the first one isauthoritative parenting, which

(07:01):
means that you can have a parentwho is absolutely warm and
affectionate, but they're alsovery demanding.
It's a parent that absolutely,you know, they give you the
world.
They're just as loving, butthey're also the parents that
are like I love you, I care foryou, I would do anything for you
, but at the same time, you needto make sure that you're doing

(07:24):
everything that you need to do,but at the same time, you need
to make sure that you're doingeverything that you need to do,
and this style often providesclear communication.
It has that sense of balancebetween reasonable expectations
and support.
So this is usually the idealform of parenting, because as a
child, you get to see both sides.

(07:45):
There's never one side of thespectrum where you're just too
demanding and no love, which iswhat the next one is.
It's that authoritarianparenting where you're probably
a little bit cold as a parent,but you're also very demanding
and strict.
Children in this environmenttend to be more obedient, but

(08:12):
they're also lacking socialcompetence and self-esteem.
They often struggle withexpressing their emotions
because of the lack ofresponsiveness that could also
have an effect on their sense ofself-worth.
When you think of permissiveparenting, it's the opposite of
this, where the parent isabsolutely warm and caring, but

(08:35):
they don't have any boundarieswhen it comes to setting
discipline and expectations fortheir children.
And a good example of this iswhen you, and we've all seen
this when you go to a restaurantand the parent is just they
love, they adore they dote ontheir children, but then the
children are running around likethe Tasmanian devil all over

(08:57):
the place.
The parents absolutely lovethem, but they don't set those
boundaries early and oftenenough.
So that often creates a senseof entitlement in your children,
because they feel like, well,my mom doesn't have a problem
with me, my dad doesn't, they'retotally fine with how I am, so
anyone else outside of that isprobably wrong.

(09:19):
Right, if my parents are okaywith it, who are you to tell me
that I'm wrong?
So that's that permissiveparenting.
Then, of course, the last oneis the one that is probably the
worst, because there's anuninvolved, neglectful parenting
which means that they literallydon't exist.
They might as well live bythemselves.

(09:40):
And this is when the parentsare just not loving, they're not
involved in any way, andusually you see this in abusive
families who have neglectedtheir children.
Maybe the parents are neverhome, or the parents deal with
addictions of some sort, sothey're not really worried about
their children in any way.
They live in the same roof andthat's about it.

(10:06):
So I want you to think abouthow these factors can affect the
way that you associate yourvalue to your self-worth and, in
essence, your childhoodenvironment provides the initial
template for your self-worth.
So the messages that youreceive, the way your needs are
met or not, and therelationships you form with

(10:27):
primary caregivers and parentscontribute to that fundamental
belief about yourself.
So, while these earlyexperiences are incredibly
powerful, it is important toremember that self-worth can be
rebuilt, strengthened inadulthood through self-awareness
and reflection and therapy andself-compassion, and by building

(10:49):
healthier relationships.
According to the AmericanPsychological Association,
studies show a bi-directionalrelationship between your
self-esteem and relationshipquality.
So if you have a highself-esteem, you tend to lead to
a better relationship qualityand being in a healthy,

(11:12):
satisfying relationship, whichcan also positively influence
your self-esteem.
Now, if you are an individualor someone who deals with low
self-esteem, you're often alittle bit shy, a little bit
more anxious in the way that youdeal with your emotions.
You struggle with regulatingthose emotions, your

(11:32):
self-conscious and you have agreater need for affiliation,
which can impact your datingbehaviors.
Self-worth acts like aninternal compass that guides
your relationship decisions.
A strong, healthy sense ofself-worth empowers you to seek
out and maintain relationshipsthat are respectful, supportive,

(11:55):
mutually fulfilling andsupportive.
A low sense of self-worth canlead to patterns of choosing
partners who reinforce thosenegative beliefs and can
contribute to unhealthyrelationship dynamics.
Now, going back to the conceptof your self-worth being your
home.
When you fail to take care ofyour home whether it is, you

(12:18):
know you see a window that's alittle cracked, or maybe there's
a little leak on the roof, or apart of your siding needs
updating.
You're always putting off thoserepairs because it's not a big
deal, I could fix it.
You know I'm going to fix iteventually, no worries.
And then one day a hurricanecomes along, you completely

(12:39):
forgot to make those repairs andnow you have a hole in the roof
.
The wind blew out the window,your house is flooding.
Always follow the advice ofJohn Kennedy, who once said, the
time to repair the roof is whenthe sun is shining, meaning
never put off taking action onwhat matters during the good
times, because when the troubledoes come knocking at your door,

(13:02):
it will be so much harder tomaintain that stable foundation.
Here are five impactful stepsthat you can take to improve
your sense of self-worth, andthe first one is to challenge
negative self-talk.
I want you to be aware of thisinner critic, that voice that is

(13:24):
constantly telling you thatyou're not good enough, that you
need to be much, much betterthan where you are now.
I want you to replace thoseharsh thoughts with more
balanced, compassionate onesthat can rewire how you see
yourself over time.
We are often our own worstcritics and we are usually the

(13:44):
first ones to start to imagineor perceive ourselves as
failures, because we're soafraid to be ourselves
oftentimes, and so we start tobelieve these negative thoughts
that are often not true, that weare unworthy.
And sometimes, when you thinkabout it, a lot of these

(14:05):
thoughts come from those earliertimes, when you were younger,
and you just carry them onthrough the years.
This rewiring will help you setthe tone, will help you set
that baseline that you so muchneed, so that you don't think
that you so much need, so thatyou don't think that you're
unworthy.
It doesn't matter howsuccessful I am, how fit, how

(14:26):
strong, how healthy, how funny.
Again, remember, these arestandards that are set by
someone, but you have to setyour own standard first and you
have to be happy with who youare, no matter what.
This is your foundation andthis is the baseline that you
have to set, beginning today, sothat, no matter what happens,

(14:46):
no matter how many storms comethrough, your foundation is
going to always be stable,unfazed.
The second is setting andhonoring your personal
boundaries, and your self-worthis going to grow as you start to
set those boundaries, as youstart to say, no, I don't really
believe that.

(15:07):
No, I don't really care forthis.
No, this doesn't feel right.
Setting those boundaries isgoing to elevate your self-worth
and over time, this will be ano-brainer and after that,
you're going to learn to say yesonly to what aligns with your
values and your beliefs.
Setting those boundaries willnot only show yourself your

(15:27):
sense of self-respect, but itwill show others, too, that
you're nobody to mess with,right, that it doesn't matter
what they think they can do toyou.
It won't matter, because youwill be setting those boundaries
strong and, no matter what theydo, you always have that power
of saying no.
The third is to celebrate youraccomplishments.

(15:49):
Celebrate your wins.
Acknowledge that these dailyefforts and the progress that
you make every day are whatbuilt your sense of self-worth.
Don't wait until you have thesebrave, big achievements to know
that you're even worthy.
It doesn't matter.
You could celebrate your little, small wins, because those

(16:11):
little wins are going to showyou that you are someone who is
constantly improving, constantlyshowing up for yourself.
This will build a sense ofcapability and confidence that
will show you that it doesn'tmatter what anyone thinks.
You are showing up for yourselfand that's all that matters.

(16:34):
Number four is surroundingyourself with supportive friends
, people, family, and theserelationships are often going to
mirror how you feel inside.
So if you're surroundingyourself with people who are
disrespectful, who belittle you,who are nasty towards you,
guess what?
That's exactly how you feelabout yourself, and so you have

(16:57):
to surround yourself with peoplewho uplift and validate your
worth.
They reinforce how you feel,they validate your feelings,
they're respectful, theyacknowledge your feelings, they
give you a sense of trust.
All of these things are ways inwhich you could surround
yourself with supportive people,people who are going to, in the

(17:20):
end, make you feel safe, safeenough to show up in your most
authentic self.
The last one is engaging inactivities that give you a sense
of purpose, and having goalsand passions that truly matter
to you will not only make youfeel intrinsically happy, but

(17:40):
will also cultivate a deepersense of meaning.
You won't believe how powerfulit is to, let's say, volunteer
at a local shelter.
It is something that, in theend, will make you feel proud
and joyful, because you're doingsomething that is rewarding and
fulfilling, that aligns withyour values and your beliefs,

(18:01):
and so knowing that you can dothat for someone else is going
to increase that sense ofworthiness, that sense of
belonging, which oftentimes wetend to overlook.
So find your sense of purpose.
Show up in the world as if youalready have everything, as if
you don't need anything.
And if you didn't, how wouldyou show up in the world?

(18:22):
What would be that value thatyou will provide to others?
And I guarantee you that thatwill show you even more how
worthy you are, how valuableyour presence, your
contributions to the worldreally are, despite how others
perceive you or think of you,perceive you or think of you.

(18:47):
Remember, your sense of worthisn't something you earn.
It's something that you alreadyhave.
Neither society nor otherexternal pressures can tell you
what you are worth.
You are a human being like me,like the richest person in your
town, in your city, like thesmartest person in your class,
class or the company you workfor.
These measurable factors andaccolades have nothing to do

(19:08):
with your self-worth.
Now, your self-esteem, on theother hand, may take a hit
because of it, but remember,these are only the curtains, the
rugs and everything else thatoften changes and fluctuates
with time.
But you have the choice toseparate yourself from these
preconceived notions around whatadds value and what doesn't.

(19:32):
Your self-worth is yourcharacter, your values, your
kindness, humility, the way thatyou show up in the world,
standing tall despite those manychallenges you face, the way
you stand firm, not letting theworld define your value.
All of that is already withinyou and no one has a say in that

(19:54):
.
Only you do.
And the real journey islearning to believe it.
Journey is learning to believeit.
Now for homework.
Take five minutes today orduring the week and write down
one reason you're worthy Notbecause of what you've done or
achieved, but because of who youare and if this episode spoke

(20:21):
to you, share it with someonewhom I needed to.
Don't forget to like, share andsubscribe, and until next time,
bye.