In His Footsteps: The Father I Lost, The Father I’ve Become

Episode Transcript
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The Sisters (00:04):
How do we carry the wisdom, the grit and the love
of the fathers who shaped us,especially when their lives were
defined not by ease but bystruggle, perseverance, strength
and the quiet power of showingup?
And how do we take what theygave us their lessons, their
resilience, their values and useit to lead our own lives with
more purpose, presence andclarity?
Today's conversation is deeplypersonal.

(00:26):
Marcus isn't just my husbandand best friend.
He's a warrior, a man ofconviction, compassion and deep
inner wisdom.
A father, a second father and anew grandfather.
A coach who has guidedcountless others through their
own journeys with honesty andheart.
In this special Father's Dayepisode, we explore how the
legacy of his father a man ofquiet determination, discipline,

(00:50):
humor and enduring lovecontinues to influence Marcus's
life, his leadership and the wayhe parents, partners and shows
up for his family.
This is a story of generationalstrength and personal
transformation, of a son whohonors his father's life not
with grief but with gratitude.
Of a son who honors hisfather's life not with grief but
with gratitude.
Of a man who carries forward alegacy not in memory alone but

(01:10):
in the way he chooses to live,lead and love every day.
Welcome to The P-I-G, where weexplore life, love, loss and
legacy through realconversations and meaningful
stories, with purpose, intentionand gratitude.
I'm Kellie and I'm Erin.
We're sisters, best friends,sometimes polar opposites, but
always deeply connected by thelife and love of the woman who

(01:33):
shaped us, our mother Marsha,and today we're honored to share
a story rooted in presence,perspective and the powerful
imprint of a father's love.

Kellie (01:51):
Marcus, I've been looking forward to this
conversation for quite some time, and when you first shared the
story of your father's final dayback in episode three of The
P-I-G, it wasn't just a memory.
It was a moment of truth thatchanged your life.
You weren't just honoring hispassing, you were honoring his
choice.
After decades of living withthe pain and complications of

(02:13):
Crohn's disease, he made thecourageous decision to let go,
and you met that moment withgrace, with compassion and a
strength that few people willever understand.
But what stayed with me mostthrough all the conversations
we've shared about our parentsthrough the years isn't just
that day.
It's everything that camebefore it, every lesson he

(02:33):
taught you, every moment thatshaped you, the father, the
partner, the man you've become.
Today.
You carry his presence in theway you live, love, lead and
continue to show up for me, foryour family, your clients and
our community.
And while I've never had thechance to meet him, I feel like
I know him because I know you.

(02:54):
So today, in honor of Father'sDay and part of our Father's Day
series, and to recognize the16th anniversary of your dad's
passing in early July, I want tothank you for sitting down with
us again to share what time,perspective and healing have
revealed, to reflect on your ownjourney as a son, a father to

(03:15):
Savannah, a second dad to Reisand Lily, and now papa to our
sweet Reign grace.
Thank you for letting us in andfor allowing all of us to be a
part of a story that's stillbeing written.
So, as we begin today, ifsomeone who had never met your
dad asked what was he like?
What moment or memories orstories would you share to

(03:38):
capture who he truly was andwhat he meant to you?

Marcus (03:43):
I find it difficult to share one story that would fully
encompass him, because he was adynamic man.
I will tell you that the thingthat comes to mind when you ask
me that question is the timethat I went over to pick up my
daughter, savannah.
My mom and my dad were watchingSavannah one day and I drive
into the driveway and the frontdoors open and I walk in the

(04:03):
front door and here comes mydaughter on her tricycle through
the dining room, through thekitchen, across the living room,
out the front door and aroundthe side of the house and the
back doors open too.
And I'm like what in the worldis going on?
Because I never got to do thatas a kid.
And he said she's having fun,that's so cute.
And she just was doing lapsthrough the house.

(04:25):
It's midsummer, airconditioner's on wide open.
He didn't care.
She's squealing and having anabsolute ball and we're all
sitting there just eating it up.
I mean that was just such aprecious wonderful fun moment.
As strong as he was, as much ashe'd been through he also had
this really kind, sweet, loving,precious side to him.

Erin (04:45):
Well and how I imagine I am not a grandparent but for you
guys and for him, I imaginethat the grandparenting style
turns out very differently thanthe parenting style.

Marcus (04:56):
It does.
Indeed.
We talk about it all the time,Kellie and I, about how, when
you're in the day-to-day ofraising your children your food
on the table, keeping a roofover everybody's head, going to
games it's nonstop, and soyou're in it, immersed in it.
It's right in your face all thetime.
And you're young, you don'tknow what you're doing in many

(05:17):
instances until you go throughthe process of parenting, and so
when you come out on thebackside as a grandparent and
you're not in it every day, thedaily struggles are not there
every day, and you've learned somuch.
You've acquired what I callwisdom.
It's very different to be agrandparent than a parent.
It's a wholly differentexperience, is what I have found
.

Kellie (05:37):
You telling that story.
Marcus reminded me of Reignbeing over just this past
weekend and you got her thisbeautiful table and chair set
and her discovery of that wassomething to behold.
I mean, little chairs her sizeand a little table her size.
But then she realized anddiscovered that if she pushes

(05:58):
the chair across the floor itsounds like nails on a
chalkboard.
And I'm actually taking a videowhich we may post on the
website with this episode justfor entertainment value and it's
squeaking and squeaking and I'mlike oh, wow, and I'm watching
Marcus out of the corner of myeye.

(06:19):
But I had that story ofSavannah and the tricycle
running through my head becauseit is an entirely different
experience being a papa and aKiki than it is being mom and
dad with no owner's manual forhow to raise a child.

Marcus (06:35):
Well, that was the first time that little Reign had ever
seen a chair, probably thatsmall, had ever scooted it
across the floor and never heardthat sound and really made that
sound as a little person in herlife.
So for her that was a moment ofdiscovery and awe and wonder
and excitement.
And so you know, you kind ofwatch that and just go.
Well, she's not hurting thefloor, so go for it, Go for it

(06:56):
kid.

Kellie (06:57):
Well, you are a great papa and you are a great father
and, I think, a really wonderfulplace to start this
conversation today, which is alegacy conversation, but also in
honor of Father's Day,celebrating both you and your
dad, because there's so much toshare about your dad's life and
his living, and so it might bereally fun for us to just kind

(07:20):
of wind back the clock of timeand start at the beginning and
get to know your dad, edwardStraub, a little bit deeper.

Marcus (07:28):
So yeah, my dad was a really wonderful man during his
life and really in retrospect Iknow how much he cared truly,
how much he loved truly.
I think he was misunderstoodbecause sometimes he was strong
and firm and sometimes even hard, but he was raised hard.
He came from a hard situation.
My dad was born in Brooklyn,New York, in 1942 to two people,

(07:52):
Florence and Eddie was my dad'sfather's name.
Eddie was in the military.
My father, my grandfather, myfather's father, was in the
military.
My grandmother was in New York,Brooklyn, New York there and
they didn't work out.
That was one of those thingswhere they wound up getting a
divorce.
And back in the day, in theearly 1940s or mid-1940s,

(08:13):
divorce was not a normal thing.
It was not looked upon verywell and he endured a lot of
suffering from the sense thatnumber one.
His father was not around.
His parents were divorced.
He was raised mostly by hisgrandparents in Polish
neighborhood in Brooklyn, NewYork, without a lot, and he was
a bastard.
That's what he was called atschool.
Terrible.

(08:34):
I mean the cruelty and meannessof that.
But we've all been to school.
We know how cruel children canbe.
And he paid a price he got beatup.
He literally got beat up andbullied because he was a bastard
child.
So you know that's a prettytough start and you have no
choice.
You have no say.
Your parents are doing whatthey're doing.
You're just trying to be alittle boy.
A was Philip and Lottie Quattthat raised him.

(08:56):
That was Florence's parents.
He basically told my father'sfather to stay away, and my
great grandfather, phil, was avery serious man and he was not
to be messed with.

(09:16):
And so Eddie stayed away.
I think he literally feared forhis life, in all likelihood
didn't want to cause anyproblems for his son, and so
what he did was is he left moneyat a candy shop in the
neighborhood where my fathergrew up.
So every day after school myfather could go into the candy
shop and get some penny candy,because that's what it was back
in the day, and I think it washis way of giving his son a

(09:38):
little sweetness, a little funin his day in his life, without
actually being able to be there.
So that's kind of rough.
And then eventually, whathappened is my grandma, Flo, met
a man named Al Williams, whowas a successful man in finance,
if I remember correctly, andshe wound up moving in with him
and so he was raised in largepart by Phil and Lottie.

(10:00):
He did go to live with Al andmy grandmother, Flo, at one
point in his I point in histeenage years, early teenage
years, and they'd send him awayall summer to summer camp.
So he learned how to ridehorses and shoot bows and arrows
and kayak and things like thatand that's what his fun was for
the summer.
But I think my father nevertruly felt loved by Al Williams,

(10:20):
never really cared for him.
I don't think that he feltloved by his mom.
I think he kind of feltabandoned by his mom a little
bit, although she was in hislife more than his father was.
And I don't think anybody evertold him the story that grandpa
Phil pulled Eddie to stay away.
I don't think anybody, I don'tthink he knew that.
I found that in Fort Collins,Colorado, the first time I met

(10:40):
my grandpa Eddie sitting at abar drinking scotch, getting to
know him, and he told me thisstory.
So I'm not sure my father knewtill later, later, later in his
life, and that's how he grew upas a young man eventually
graduated high school and movedto California and went to school
there.
He went to LA - I think it wasLA City College, Los Angeles

(11:01):
City College at the time and hewas studying history.
That's where he met my mother.
She was from Central SanJoaquin Valley, a place called
Tipton, California, a littletiny farming community.
They met walking down thestreet.
They were walking oppositedirections, opposite side of the
street, they stuck theirtongues out at each other and
that was it.
So my dad had a little KarmannGhia kind of reminds me of the

(11:22):
story you and I have, Kellie,where we bought a bear painting
one time and we have aconvertible and we went to buy
this painting.
It was too big to put in thecar so I held on to one side,
she held on to the other whilewe're sitting in the car and
drove our painting home.
And I know stories of myparents moving furniture on the
roof of the Karmann Ghia.
So it's kind of funny.
Right, a little similaritiesthere.

(11:42):
But that's where they met andmy father was in social work
after that.
So he graduated college, gotinto social work, my parents got
married, had me and my dad wasrising through the ranks as a
social worker and doing really,really well.
That's pretty much how heentered his adult life from
beginning to end kind of shortstory.

Erin (12:00):
Will you tell a little bit more about his professional
life, just about you know hisgraduating from college and why
he was drawn to social work, whyhe what drew him into that, and
I would love to learn a littlebit more about kind of some of
that phase of his life, hisprofessional work.

Marcus (12:19):
Absolutely.
I think you know, my fathercame from a situation where he
he would always had food, healways had people in his life,
he always had family around him,but it was tough, and I think
my dad genuinely cared aboutliving beings.
You know he cared about dogs,he always had an affinity for
dogs and I think he just caredabout kids.

(12:40):
I think he felt that kids werevery important and they deserve
to be loved and cared for andvalued and wanted and poured
into, and he was aware that thatwasn't always the case with
children, and so social workgave him a way to sort of be a
warrior, because he was awarrior for human beings and for
life and for justice and truth,and I think it gave him a way

(13:02):
to be a warrior and help protectthese children, help them to be
okay, really, no matter whattheir circumstances were.
So I think it was a passion forhim, right?
So, right back to all thethings that the letter P can
mean in the world, passion isreally one of them and I agree
with that.
That's what it stands for forme in many respects, and so I
think he loved his work I reallydo and he was rising the ranks

(13:25):
very fast.
He was becoming a higher levelperson within that Department of
Human Services division in LA.
And what would happen is hewould come home from work every
day and I'd be sitting in thefront yard waiting for him, just
as a little boy.
I was two years old, I don'tremember this, that my parents
told me these stories and whenhe'd come home, tears would be

(13:46):
streaming down my eyes becauseof the smog.
Because that would have beenback in the late 60s, 1970
approximately.
The air was pretty bad to LA.
There wasn't smog control.
It was pretty bad, so I was notdoing well.
Took me to the doctor and foundout that basically the smog was
destroying my young lungs andthe doctor said you need to take
your child somewhere where theair is better or he'll never

(14:08):
have a normal life.
And so you know, my parentswere confronted with a real, a
real big decision.
My mom was a stay-at-home momat the time, so my dad basically
made the decision that he wouldleave his job in LA and that we
would go to Oregon, which had alot better air.
It really does, it still does,still does, still does.
And so we moved to a littletiny town called Sweet Home,

(14:30):
Oregon, not too far from Eugeneand Corvallis, there up in the
hills still a very small placeto this day on a lake and he got
a job there in social work.
That was his first one, for amassive pay cut Now obviously it
was less expensive to live inOregon at the time but still
tough to take care of yourfamily even on that government
salary.
So that lasted for I think itwas about a year and a half and

(14:53):
then we moved Southeast to alittle town called Lakeview,
Oregon, where he again wasworking in DHS.
There were Native American,there were tribes and
reservations there there wasalso ranching communities.
There was primarily what theydid, and so he was kind of a
lone ranger.
He'd go out in the middle ofnight on calls in the middle of
the reservation that nobody elsewould do without a gun.

(15:13):
He'd just go and talk to peopleand interact with the people.
He knew that what he was goingto run into wasn't going to be
easy or fun.
But that's just who my dad was.
He wasn't afraid.
He'd gone through the hardknocks in life, he could take
care of himself and he was aninfluencer in the sense that he
could use words.
He could use ration, or reason,if you will, to help people

(15:34):
understand things.
And I believe that he wasreally good at being able to go
out there, diffuse a situation,get people to step back from it,
make a better choice to respondrather than react, and to
really take care of those kidsand not put those kids in
jeopardy.
And he got a lot of guff forthat from particularly the white
community in Lakeview, Oregon.
At the time they weren't toohappy with him because he did

(15:55):
represent the Native Americans.
He had to and he wanted to.

(16:18):
So so from there, um, we movedto Roseburg Oregon.
So Roseburg, Oregon is a littletown, central Oregon, along the
Umpqua River, North UmpquaRiver, and he was again in DHS
and he was moving up throughthat again.
So he was rising in the ranksand because of his reputation,

(16:41):
all he had learned who he was.
He got the artist cases thatanybody could possibly get
Little boy that was locked inthe closet, not fed, burned with
cigarettes on his genitals.
I mean on and on and on.
These terrible, terrible things, you know, things that you
can't un-see..
.
you can't un-see those pictures, right?
And so he did that andeventually it took a toll.

(17:01):
It just flat, took a toll and Ithink he just realized he
wanted to keep doing it.
But he couldn't do it anymoreand so what he did was is he
started going to night school atthe community college there in
Roseburg I believe is UmpquaCommunity College, right on the
North Umpqua River in town stillexists to this day and he would
do night school to learn realestate because he wanted to

(17:23):
somehow, some way invest in realestate, work with real estate,
build a career, build a business, and that's what he did.
So he got through school and hequit his job.
We sold our house in Roseburg,Oregon, took the money, went
north to a little communityoutside of Portland, Oregon,
called Lake Grove, not faroutside of Lake Oswego Many
people probably know that place,and he started his real estate

(17:46):
business.
He wasn't working, he waslooking at the newspaper every
day to buy property, whether itbe land or houses, to flip.
I remember going with him oneday.
He took me out.
He bought a piece of propertyand he was going to subdivide it
.
So he took me out there with acan of spray paint, a hundred
foot tape, measuring tape, andwe parked his truck, his
two-tone blue board 1979 truckthat he bought.

(18:07):
I was with him that day and wesat there we measured out three
lots out of this one lot that hesubdivided, did the paperwork,
sold the property, made moneyand he was off and running.
And so suddenly, what he did,his pivot, his change in life,
what he had to do to survive, tobe happy, to provide for his
family, started to take shapeand started to take hold.
We flipped a couple of housestoo, and that was the time in

(18:30):
which we got to move from LakeGrove to a place called Tigard,
Oregon, not far away, still asuburb of Portland, and we
bought a brand new 2,400 squarefoot home not far from the
school, very nice home in theday, $89,000, if you can imagine
brand new, glass, solarium, twostory, four bedroom, three bath

(18:50):
.
It was just really something.
And so life was getting good.
We could get painter pants andNike tennis shoes and go to the
skating rink and go skating, bedropped off and be picked up at
10 o'clock at night with ourfriends, and we could just start
to have a little bit easierlife because money was more
readily available.
He was really I think it wasfun.
He was really feeling good andreally relaxed and really happy

(19:12):
and proud of himself and rightlyso and proud of his family,
because we all chipped in tohelp and, yeah, it was just
really really great to see myfather blossom professionally.
Quite honestly.

Erin (19:23):
That's really incredible.
Was it difficult for you andyour sister because you did move
around a little bit?
How was that for you?

Marcus (19:32):
Well, you know, at the time I didn't really know any
different, honestly right.
So pretty much about every yearand a half two years we rented
houses or we would move, and Ijust really didn't know any
different.
That was kind of life for me.
So I was used to coming out ofa school and going into a new
one and always I was always afriendly kid and a little bit
shy when I was younger, butalways liked to have fun and

(19:54):
could talk to people, and so Imade friends pretty quickly and
stuff like that.
I'll tell you something thetoughest part about going to a
new school, for the most part,was that we had what were called
tough skins, which was a pantsthat were made by Sears and
Roebuck.
They came in various colorsgreen, sort of like this reddish
, purple color, blue, black,yellow, and they had these

(20:17):
patches on the knees so that youcould wear them out.
So if you didn't have a lot ofmoney, these were the pants to
wear and I didn't like thosepants as a child.
I didn't like wearing them toschool but you know we had no
choice.
That was the best my parentscould do.
I had pants.
I always had good looking pantsand ones that wouldn't fall
apart for a long time.
That was one of my toughestthings that I remember because I

(20:38):
always typically got along withpeople.
And there was one time in LakeGrove fourth grade, fifth grade
I was in fifth grade and Iremember it was early in the
year, school year we were out onthe playground and we're going
to play kickball and I was a newkid.
Nobody knew me.
I got picked last.
I'd never been picked last inmy life.
I didn't really know what thatfelt like.
That was a difficult thing.

(20:58):
I'll tell you that much.
You know, at the day, justbeing a little nine, 10 year old
boy going well, why, why don'tanybody want me to on their team
, you know.
But I got over that.
That was a school where,actually where I would go down
the hall for one period everyday and work with
developmentally disabledchildren of all sorts.
I get to go down there and workwith them and tutor them and
and just be with them and I feltthere's so much joy.

(21:19):
You go in there and they justloved you.
They'd hug you.
Oh, marcus, it's good to seeyou, and we sit down and work
with one of them or two of them,and that's probably the
earliest in my life where I washelping people.
That's the first time wherethat really was a part of my
life.

Erin (21:34):
I love that so much.
I had no idea about that withyou.
I actually did the same thingin elementary school and that
was really my first experienceof helping people and I loved
that.
I excelled in reading andspelling and all of that, and so
that class period was one thatI was kind of excused to go down

(21:58):
the hall and so I did the exactsame thing.
So I love that we share that.
I had no idea.

Marcus (22:04):
How fun it was.
A joy, a joy.

Kellie (22:07):
So, as your life as a boy with your family continued
to unfold, where did the journeytake you from there?

Marcus (22:16):
Let's see.
.
.
So, Tigard, Oregon, that wasthe place we lived the longest.
I went to an elementary schoolfor sixth grade and then we had
what was called junior high.
I went to Fowler Junior High inseventh, eighth and ninth grade
, so that was four years in oneplace.
That was someplace that for thefirst time in my life we'd ever
really put down roots.
I had a couple of really goodbest friends, Mike and Gary.

(22:38):
That were just important peoplein my life, you know.
So, anyways, eighth grade Ibelieve it was eighth grade my
father invited his mother, Flo,out to live with us.
I think what was really goingon there is that was his way of
I'm successful.
Now we have room for you in thehouse.
Come on out, let's make a go ofthis, let's see what we can do

(22:59):
with our relationship at thisstage of life.
And there were some undone orunhealed things between them.
I didn't see much of it becauseI think they dealt with it
mostly while we were at schoolor out playing with kids or
friends or whatever.
But there were some undonethings there and I think dealing
with those things stirred up alot of emotions for my father.
And we understand you know,Kellie and I maybe even you,

(23:21):
Erin, through the work that wedo with different health
practitioners that a lot ofpainful emotions can live in the
stomach, right In the stomacharea, and my father developed
Crohn's acute Crohn's while shewas out living with us.
He eventually told her to leave.
That's how I knew it was bad.
That's how I knew that.
What had gone on, what theytalked about, what came up?

(23:43):
Maybe her answers, how heinterpreted them, whatever the
case may be.
He got sick and he asked her toleave.
He said you need to leave andshe did.
He went into the hospital and Idon't remember how long he was
in there because I was in sixth,I was in eighth grade, early
eighth grade, late seventh grade, but he was in there for quite
some time, nearly died fivetimes while he was in the

(24:03):
hospital.
They didn't know what he had.
At first he was emaciated, helost all of his weight, he
looked like a shell of himselfand that was a big shock because
life was rolling along.
We were going fishing all thetime, golfing, just being
buddies.
You know, father and son, hewas definitely my father and my
best friend for sure.
And suddenly that all came to ascreeching halt, friend for
sure.

(24:23):
And suddenly that all came to ascreeching halt and we did not
understand why, even hischildren, I think they tried to
keep certain things from us.
Sometimes we weren't evenallowed to go see him because he
was so bad that day, which wasalways really hard because no
matter how bad he was, we wantedto see him, of course.
So that really took a toll.
And what happened was is, as hewent through, that the 1980s was
when that was early 1980s andwe went into a deep recession.

(24:44):
Interest rates 22% crippledjust basically shut down the
construction real estate market.
Nothing was happening inPortland, people were going out
of business left and right, andso basically, he lost his health
, he lost his business and welost our livelihood.
And so what happened was, as wefinished out the ninth grade
year my ninth grade year, Kellieeighth grade year my sister

(25:07):
loaded up a U-Haul truck and hadto leave our friends and family
, the place we'd been thelongest, the home that we loved,
the neighborhood, the school,and we had to drive to Tulare,
california, central San JoaquinValley, move in with my mom's
parents, doug and ShirleyGilbert.
They had a house where they hada couple extra bedrooms, so we
were able to stay there while myfather looked for work and we
looked for a place to live, andwe settled on Clovis, california

(25:30):
, just outside of Fresno,california, basically a farming
community.
Lots of fig trees, orange trees, peach trees, plum trees,
grapes.
I worked in a peach packingshed because it's a major source
of revenue there and work, andthat's where we moved.
We got a little house, nothingfancy, I remember it had an
olive tree in the front yard.
It was on the corner in aneighborhood not far from the

(25:51):
high school.
There was a little pool, aswimming pool in the backyard
with a diving board.
We each had our own bedroom andeverything.
We didn't have a lot, but wehad a decent place to live and
my dad did whatever he could.
He sold solar, he soldsatellite dishes, he sold cars.
My mom went back to work sothat we could actually have a
life and that's how we scringedand made it.
I remember a story when I wasolder.

(26:13):
They didn't tell this to uswhen we were in high school, but
they were down to their last 57or 59 cents in their checking
account at one point.
Raising two kids, that's allthey had.
So pretty tough, pretty toughbut never gave up, never let on
that.
That was a problem we neverknew as children.
We got up every day, we went tohigh school, we could walk to
school.
So we did.

(26:33):
We had lunches, we had theclothes we needed, we had the
opportunities that we needed.
We never knew how bad itactually was and he never gave
up and we never gave up.
It was a good time of lifebecause death wasn't always at
the doorstep like it had been.
He struggled, but life wasbetter.
It was smoother, it was not somuch of enough people and we
were starting to put down someroots again, which was good.

Kellie (26:56):
When you think about your dad and that time of your
life and also looking in themirror at yourself as a father
now, how do you think that thattime with your dad kind of
reflecting on the relationshipthat you shared at that time did
your relationship change at allfrom those earlier and younger

(27:17):
years when he was healthy versuswhen he was unhealthy?

Marcus (27:21):
Yes, I think they did.
Two reasons.
Number one when he lost hishealth, we weren't able to do
the same things.
We weren't able to go golfingtogether anymore.
He couldn't do that and hetried to take me fishing, but it
was very difficult on him.
We did go some, but not as muchas we used to.
So there were things in therethat were just different because

(27:41):
we could not do the same thingstogether.
So it became more intellectual.
It became more conversational,more psychological, where we
could talk about deep things.
My father was a person in mylife that I could have immensely
deep conversations with.
We could explore wonderfulthings together that meant
something, that weren't justsurface talk, it was real, that

(28:03):
I could learn from and that hecould share with me.
And I think he even learnedsome things from me, you know,
along the way, especially as Iget a little older.
And then the other reason Ithink our relationship changed
honestly is because I wasbecoming a teenager.
I was a good kid until mysenior year and then I kind of,
you know, started acting up alittle bit.
What I realize now is thatthere was some anger, some
disappointment, some loss, somefrustration inside of me that I

(28:26):
really didn't know how to dealwith it or what to do with it,
but it started to surface, andso that changed our relationship
too, me just being a teenagerand doing teenager things,
spending more time with friends,and also having to start to
deal with my deep seatedfeelings and thoughts about what
had happened.

Kellie (28:43):
How did his Crohn's disease affect your whole family
and your whole family's life,if at all?
Because it became not an acutedisease that he was first
diagnosed with, but it became achronic condition that he
battled, courageously, faced hiswhole entire life until his

(29:04):
passing.

Marcus (29:05):
True, that's what it was .
It was chronic and not nearlyas acute.
He went through differenttrials because back in those
days they didn't reallyunderstand Crohn's.
They didn't know what to dowith it, how to treat it.
It was kind of something theyjust didn't understand.
So he tried things likemercaptopurine thalidomide.
Thalidomide was a drug thatcaused flipper babies back in

(29:28):
the day, but they stoppedletting people take that because
of what it was doing deformingchildren.
But for Crohn's it actuallyturned out to be something that
worked.
It actually worked.
But his damage was so, soextensive and he'd been on so
many drugs and he didn't get ahold of that until late 90s.
So his body had gone throughalmost 20 years of a lot of

(29:52):
destruction and he would neverlet them do surgery on him
because he knew that once theyopened him up and started
cutting little sections of largeintestine, that they were going
to keep cutting and keepcutting and keep cutting until
he wound up with a colostomy.
And he did not.
That was not where my fatherwanted to go with his body.
He, he, he didn't want to dothat and I respect that.
It's not anything I'd want todo either.

(30:13):
And so he wouldn't let him cutand so he had lived with a lot
of scar tissue.
All of that being said, itaffected all of us.
It changed our life.
My mother had to go back towork.
She was a stay at home mom whowas there with breakfast every
morning and after school treatand how was your day, and things
like that.
And she had to go back to work.
So that changed her life.
My sister she was also impactedbecause she was enjoying the

(30:35):
life we were living in Oregonand suddenly I got taken away
and her friends that she hadbuilt up there too.
So for many reasons, all of uswere impacted and I think that
getting to the point where,financially, they were that
unstable was probably not easyfor them, because as a parent,
that's not any place you want togo if you don't have to, and
they only went there becausethat was the only choice they

(30:55):
had.
I don't believe he was incontact with his father at that
time, who could have helpedfinancially, but they weren't in
relation.
I don't believe he was incontact with his mother.
He had sent her away and theystopped talking for several
years.
And my grandma Shirley andgrandpa Doug they would help,
but with things like cans oftuna, fish or socks or practical

(31:15):
things.
They came out of the depressionand they just had a different
way of giving, so financially wewere on our own.
Fortunately we had the veteranshospital so he could get
treatment there, becauseotherwise we could not have
afforded it.
There was no way hospital so hecould get treatment there
because otherwise we could nothave afforded it.

Erin (31:29):
There was no way, gosh, every conversation we have, I
learn so much about you and yourfamily and your upbringing.
Thank you for sharing all ofthat so openly.
This is kind of piggybacking offof what Kellie just asked, but
when you reflect on that and notonly your upbringing, your
relationship with your fatherand the ebbs and flows of that

(31:51):
and the moves and the healthstruggles and all of that, how
do you think that some of thoselife experiences shaped your own
fatherhood?
I mean, we're going to fastforward and then rewind again,
but I think that that'simportant to reflect on how all

(32:13):
of those things impacted youwhen you eventually became a
father.

Marcus (32:20):
Absolutely.
I think one thing right off thetop of the bat is I did never
want to be in that same position, if at all possible, as a
father with my family.
I never wanted to be down to mylast 59 cents in my checking
account.
As a younger man, I definitelywas down to the bottoms of the
barrel of my bank account at onepoint in my life, which I
recovered from and never wentback.

(32:41):
I wanted to be a business ownerlike my father eventually, and
I became a business owner aswell.
I'd learned how important it isto never give up, no matter what
your challenges as a father,lead.
Lead with integrity, lead withpurpose, lead with intention,
lead with love and be willing todo the hard things that aren't

(33:01):
easy, that take everythingyou've got to make it happen and
really try to show your familythe best life that you can and
to always be there for them,whether it is to help them with
a bully picking on them like mydad did with me, whether it is
to take your son or yourdaughter fishing or golfing or
whatever it is that they maywant to do, to show up at their

(33:22):
games, to be a coach, if you can, if you want to, to always be
willing to talk, to love, nomatter what your child does.
My dad was a great man.
He was not always easy and hewas not perfect, but he really
showed me a lot of who and whatI wanted to be as a father.
Honestly, what I decided to dowith my father in the example he

(33:43):
showed me, Erin was to keep allthe things that worked, To keep
all the things that work alivewithin me so I could be those
things too, because it wasobvious that they worked.
And those things that didn'twork or could work if I did them
slightly differently.
I wanted to learn from thosetoo, so that I could not bring
those things with me or learnhow to do those things
differently so that it wouldhave a better effect or a better

(34:06):
result with my child or my wifeor whatever it might be.
He offered me a lot.
He offered me a treasure chestto choose from, and it was
mostly precious gems.

Kellie (34:44):
When you look back at those lessons that you were
gifted with from your father,are there some specific moments
or memories that stand out toyou?

Marcus (34:57):
Yes, one of them that comes to mind very, very quickly
is when I was three years old.
We were in Lakeview, oregon, ona place called Crane Mountain,
and we used to go up there to alittle place we called Deer Camp
.
It was right along this littlestream and we'd go fishing.
My mom and sister would stayback at camp and get the fire
going and roll the potatoes andfoil, you know, and get the big

(35:17):
cast iron skillet with thecooking oil and the flour and
salt and pepper ready.
So we came back with trout, wewould fry up those trout and
have potatoes and whatever elsemy mom brought right there in
camp.
And we were out fishing one dayand I remember there was a
stream, it's kind of someponderosa pine trees, the sun
was shining, it was a beautifulday and there was a log that you
had to walk across to get tothe other side of the stream and

(35:38):
I had little rubber boots onand so I'm walking across this
log and for whatever reasonright, because I was a kid one
of my boots fell off the law,off into the river stream.
It just floated away Right.
And so there I am one boot, onesock and we're.
We had just started fishing.
So my dad picked me up, carriedme to the other side, across
the log, found a plastic bag,put it on my foot and I don't

(35:59):
remember what he tied it on with, probably rubber band or
something, and we kept fishing.
So you know, never let littlethings get in your way.
Right, there's a lesson rightthere Never let little things
get in your way, never freak outabout those kinds of things,
because there's always asolution.
If you just think for a minute,I was working six days a week,
sometimes 14 hours a day,packing peaches, apricots, pears
, plums, things like that, tomake money to buy my first car.

(36:35):
My parents didn't have any money, so I had to make my money.
So what happened was that mydad negotiated a deal with my
grandpa Doug my mom's dad totrade his prized two-tone Ford
pickup that he bought in 1979all right off the lot in
Roseburg, Oregon.
I remember driving home withhim how proud he was, how much
he loved that truck, how much itmeant to him that was the first
brand new vehicle he everbought in his life and he made a

(36:56):
deal with my grandfather togive that truck to him, for me
to give the money I made fromthe packing shed and for my
grandfather to give his Datsunpickup truck which I liked to me
.
So what happened was mygrandfather got a truck to pull
his fifth wheel.
I got a truck to drive and thestipulation was my grandfather
had to put the tires, rims andstereo in it that I wanted,

(37:18):
which he did, and my father, mymother, got money to live to
support the family.
So he gave up his pricepossession for his son and he
took care of his family.
And if you don't understandwhat that is, you don't
understand anything.
And I understood what that was,and so he taught me that you
need to sacrifice sometimes.
Sometimes leaders eat lastright, and he sacrificed and he

(37:42):
made that happen and everybodywon.
He created a situation whereeverybody won and I admire that
won.

Kellie (37:57):
Those are priceless memories and knowing you as well
as I do today, after 15 yearsof growing our own life and our
own family, I see so many ofthose qualities and
characteristics carrying forwardthrough the intentional legacy
that you're living every singleday and I admire and respect
that so much.
I often call you a warrior andI know that you feel that

(38:21):
heartbeat of a warrior inside ofyou.
We've had so many conversationsabout that.
I'd love to hear from you, fromyour perspective because you
refer to your dad as a warrioras well how that theme of being
a warrior has carried throughyour life, but, even more
importantly than that, what thatdefinition really is to you.

(38:43):
What does it mean to you toreflect on your dad as a warrior
and as yourself as a warrior?

Marcus (38:51):
Well, to me, a warrior doesn't always represent
somebody that goes to war right.
Yes, A warrior can be a verysoft, gentle, kind, loving,
tender, gracious human being.
You have to know when to bepowerful and strong and hard and
also when to be the exactopposite.

(39:13):
That's one of the things Ibelieve makes a great warrior.
And there are different kindsof warriors.
There's physical warriors,there's intellectual warriors,
there's spiritual warriors.
And as we age, your physicalitygoes away.
So if you were once a physicalwarrior, you become more of an
intellectual warrior.
That's what you can do withyour mind.
And as you season and age, likeI'm going through right now,

(39:33):
I'm becoming more of a spiritualwarrior with what you learned
on that side of life.
So a warrior can be many, manythings, but most of all a
warrior is a leader.
A warrior is a lover.
A warrior is a protector.
A warrior is somebody who setsthe tone for certain things and
how they need to go so that theywork out well.

(39:54):
A warrior looks out for others,not just themselves.
They try to give and helpwherever they possibly can.
Their servant leaders is whatthey really really are in my
opinion, and he was all of thosethings, what they really really
are in my opinion.
And he was all of those thingsand I got to live with that, I
got to see that, I got to learnfrom that, I got to understand
that and frankly, I'll be honestwith you, I think my father

(40:17):
helped me to become a betterwarrior than I would have been
if I had not had him.
If I had to go it alone like hedid, I think I'd have had many
more struggles than I did,because he really helped pave
the way.
He was my father, my friend andmy example.

Erin (40:32):
That's really beautiful.
It's so interesting to stop andthink about how there are some
characteristics, traits, thingsthat we see in our parents or
grandparents that sometimescause us to go the opposite
direction.
Right, we know what we don'twant to be like, we know what we

(40:53):
don't want to do, and it soundslike maybe your dad did so much
of what he did because he grewup in a different environment,
and so he was this fierceadvocate for children, working
in social work and doing all ofthe things that he did and was
so present in your life becausehis dad was not, and so there's

(41:16):
probably a lot of the thingsthat he did and he became who he
was because he wanted toprovide you with a different
experience than what he hadgrowing up.
And then there's things that wesee and experience same thing
traits, characteristics,behaviors, attitudes, whatever

(41:36):
it is that we want to emulate,that we want to adopt that in
our own life for our own kids,for our own grandchildren, and
so it's such a beautiful thing,then, that it just shapes who we
are and how we live our livesand how we interact with the
people that we love.

Marcus (41:58):
Obviously, he wanted me to have a better experience than
he had with his father.
Right, he wanted to be present.
He didn't want me to just pickup candy, or, you know, at the
candy store, he wanted me tocome home and see him and he
wanted, you know, let's gofishing and let's go golfing,
and, you know, let's just dodifferent things, whether it
just be even walk the dogtogether and talk, you know.
So he I there is no doubt in mymind that he was very

(42:21):
intentional, right, about whatkind of father he wanted to be.
I think he wanted to be thebest father he could be and I
believe that he was.
I believe that he was, becausewe all have areas where we can
learn, grow and do better, butnone of us are given a handbook
and we have to learn this thefirst time as we're going
through, and I respect andadmire the job that he did.
I do when I look back.

(42:41):
It's interesting when I lookback on my experience with my
father.
Can I remember some things thatwere unpleasant?
Yes, my experience with myfather.
Can I remember some things thatwere unpleasant?
Yes, I can Do.
I think about them.
No, I don't.
You know what I remember.
How great he was.
How much I love him still, howmuch it meant to sit at the edge

(43:01):
of Eagle Creek outside ofPortland, Oregon on a cold,
misty, damp November, October,looking at a hundred steelhead
in this pool, with this oldgrowth force, sipping on Lipton
tea and eating lunch with my dad.
That is what I remember.
I really just remembered thelove, the joy, the happy times
and really what it is that madeour relationship so wonderful to

(43:25):
share.

Erin (43:27):
I was just going to say, too, that you know, going back
to what you were saying beforeand I loved everything that you
described about being a warriorand what that means that was a
really beautiful picture thatyou painted.
And going back to what I said,too, right, like, sometimes
we're warriors because we haveto be and sometimes we want to

(43:48):
be, that can be different, right, and, like I said, sometimes
it's in spite of everythingwe're choosing this and
sometimes we get to choose it,like I said, because you want to
copycat that.
Right, I see all of those samecharacteristics in you as a
father and a grandfather and abrother and just all of the

(44:09):
things.
You're just an incredible manand leader and you are a warrior
.
It is remarkable how that is achoice.

Marcus (44:18):
It is.

Erin (44:18):
We get to choose how we show up for the people in our
lives.

Marcus (44:24):
Absolutely, and I think it's very important that we do
choose that you know that we'reintentional about it.
I think that being intentionalis so important as a human being
not to have everything plannedout all the time, but to be
intentional with what you do andwhy you do it, and not just do
it because you don't know whatyou're doing, or just have some
intentionality about you becauseit really helps, it really
works, it really makes adifference.
I believe.

Kellie (44:52):
What this makes me think of is a million times over, I
would much rather have thelegacy of love and memories and
respect and admiration andappreciation that those that I
have loved have left me withthan any inherited legacy, which

(45:13):
is often what people thinkabout when they think about
leaving a legacy, and we'rereally working to very
consciously change thatnarrative through these
conversations and through thispodcast, and Erin and I both
feel that and understand that.
Marcus, you and I have had manyconversations about that over

(45:33):
the years, having lost both ofour parents when we were young,
and they were young when all ofus could have had so much more
life together.
But to this day, they show upfor us in remarkable, beautiful,
dynamic ways that sometimesit's just really hard to put

(45:54):
into words.
We have quiet conversations, wespend time considering their
advice or what their opinionmight be or how they might guide
or mentor, especially inmoments of difficulty and
challenge, whether that be witha child or a friend or a family

(46:16):
member, a coworker or a neighbor, whatever it might be, and so I
really loved how you describedthat.
I also love how I have seen youcarry that forward into your
work as a coach and you're inyour 22nd year of coaching and

(46:38):
in episodes two and three wetalked quite a bit about your
journey to coaching, sodefinitely listeners can go back
and listen to that again.
And in future episodes you'regoing to do some coaching with
Erin and I, which is going to bea lot of fun too.
But considering all of theconversation that we've had so
far the legacy of your fatherthat beats through your being on

(47:03):
a daily basis I would love tohear how that shows up for you
in your work professionally withclients and maybe some of those
lessons that you have carriedforward into your profession.

Marcus (47:18):
Well, I'm a warrior for my clients, straight up.
I am.
I am a safe place for them, Iam a defender of them, I'm an
encourager of them.
I work diligently to create thebest situations, outcomes that
I can for them, to instillwithin them a sense of
empowerment, a sense of courage,a sense of pride in themselves,

(47:39):
a sense of joy and happinessand even just a sense of ease
sometimes, because sometimespeople just need to ease up a
little bit on themselves.
Grace, you know, have a littlegrace for yourself, have a
little grace for life, have alittle grace for others.
So I'd say that, my dad being asocial worker and me being a
coach they're different.
I deal with some very trickythings and some very, very

(47:59):
difficult things with people inlife and business, but I think
it's very similar.
You have to have a certainpassion to help people, to want
to create winning outcomes foreverybody and to want to see
people smile and be happy and toexperience life as it being
great, not just something you gothrough, but life is great, and

(48:19):
I really believe that helpingpeople to experience that is
what I've been about my wholeentire life.
My father gave me some things,instilled some things in me.
I learned some things from himthat helped me to do that to
this very day, and I'm gratefulfor that.
I really am.
And it's not just the easythings, it's the difficult
things.
You know because I saw what myfather went through, I know what

(48:40):
our family went through, and sowhen I talk to other people, I
understand hardship, Iunderstand loss and I understand
overcoming those things.

Erin (48:52):
Marcus, are you comfortable walking us through
the loss of your dad, sure?

Marcus (49:01):
Maybe it's a good story to inspire their people, to let
them know what's possible,because there was a time when we
didn't believe that a fourminute mile could be ran.
Well, somebody ran it andsuddenly people started running
four minute miles all the time,right, and so we don't know
what's possible until somebodyleads the way.
And I am a warrior, I am aleader, I live by example.

(49:21):
And so, yes, I am happy toshare this story because it's a
powerful story and I never mindrevisiting, because what it
evokes in me is just thistremendous feeling of love and
this tremendous feeling ofgratitude, not so much loss.
Do I miss my dad?
Yes, I do.
I walk in my office I've got apicture of him with my daughter
on my dresser and I look at himonce in a while and say, man, I
really wish I could talk to youright now.

(49:43):
I really wish I could give youa hug, but I can't.
So I do miss him, but I'm okaywith him being gone.
He wasn't going to be hereforever anyways, and there was
no guarantee how long I wouldhave him in my life.

(50:24):
And I got divorced late in life.
We were all adult kids.
I don't remember the exact year, to be honest with you, but it
seems like it was around 2008,2009,.
They got divorced.
My mother moved out.
She was here in town for abrief stay and then she moved to
Fort Collins and once she gotto Fort Collins, there was no
relationship really with myfather and my sister and no

(50:47):
relationship at all with myfather and my mother.
I think he missed her, I thinkhe missed his daughter too, and
so I became my father'scaregiver the last years of his
life.
He took care of himself.
He lived alone, but I went outthere a lot and we had lunch
together, we talked, we spenttime.
So, anyways, he was getting to apoint where his body was really
failing.
The years of everything that hehad been on all the ibuprofen,

(51:12):
all the experimental drugs, allthe painkillers everything had
taken a toll and his body wasbasically just breaking down.
And he was never a person whowanted to go into a nursing home
.
He did not want to live in awheelchair, he didn't want to
have a walker, he didn't want acolostomy bag, he didn't want
any of those things.
He felt that if that happened,his quality of life would be so

(51:33):
low that what's the point and wetalked about this many times
over the course of my life thesewere not foreign conversations
with me or foreign ideas healways had, let me know, and in
fact I feel very much the sameway, honestly.
So, anyways, he got to a pointwhere he just decided that it
was time.
There was nothing he could doto go somewhere and get a shot.
Like you, take your pet to thevet and they can gently and

(51:54):
peacefully and wonderfully putyour pet to sleep.
That didn't exist at the time,so he didn't have that option.
But one day I was going outthere with some coffee like
Starbucks I think it was four orsix pumps of vanilla Sweet as
all get out right, a latte andso I stopped and picked up one
of my lattes for me not quite sosweet and his and I went out to

(52:15):
the house and the front doorwas always open so I could just
walk right in so I had access tohelp him in case he was had
fallen or whatever the case was.
I walk in and there he sat inhis recliner, where he was
oftentimes, and just kind ofwith his head over to the
left-hand side, looked like hewas sleeping because I'd come
over sometimes and he would justbe asleep.
He didn't sleep well at night,so sometimes he'd sleep during

(52:35):
the day often.
So I walk in and I put the twocups of coffee down on the table
and when I turn around what Isaw was a giant hole in the left
side of his head and when Ilooked again, there was a pistol
22 pistol in his lap.
But he was alive.
He was not dead, he wasbreathing.
So I don't know how long it hadbeen since he had done it.

(52:56):
But what I did was is I justgathered myself up with strength
which I got from him.
Give me just a minute, yeah, Istayed calm, I stayed rational,
I stayed cool.
I took the gun out of his lap.
I grabbed a Kleenex so that Iwouldn't put my fingerprints on

(53:16):
it.
I just seemed to know how to dothat.
I put it on the table, awayfrom me.
I got on my phone.
I called 911.
I kneeled in front of him.
They instructed me.
I had been a rap guide, so Iknew CPR and I knew first aid.
So I grabbed his head and Imaintained his airway.
So I literally had one hand onboth sides of his head staring

(53:38):
at him in the face, keeping hishead upright, with his head
resting back against the chairto maintain his airway as I
talked to 911.
And they sent paramedics, thesheriff's office, fire trucks,
everybody out there and I justwas with him, just with him.
I cannot tell you what I saidto him.
I don't remember, but I wasjust with him and one of the

(53:58):
hardest things of the day,believe it or not, I mean,
seeing your dad with a hole inthe side of his head is pretty
hard.
But one of the hardest thingswas when they came in and they
had to pull me away from him sothat they could do what they
were supposed to do, which wasget him out of the chair, lay
him down on the gurney and gethim to the hospital.
That was really hard, and sothey pulled me away and the

(54:21):
sheriff's department startedtalking to me while they got him
dressed up and everything onthe gurney and got him ready to
go out.
They took him to the hospitaland I could hear him in pain
being on the gurney His back wasbad, so he had pain, and I
could hear him moaning andgroaning from the pain of how
they were moving him, which washard too and they sat there and
talked to me for quite some timetrying to figure out what

(54:42):
actually happened.
It was obvious to them that myfather was trying to commit
suicide and I found him and didwhat I did, and so everything
was fine.
About an hour and a half, twohours later, I got to go to the
hospital.
When I got there and got to hisroom, because they had laid him
down, his head had swollen.
So he had a big wrap around hishead gauze wrap and his head
had swollen because the fluidhad gone to his head a bit and

(55:05):
they'd intubated him, which hedid not want to be intubated.
So it was hard to see him thatway.
First thing I did was is Italked to the doctors about what
the situation was and I had apretty good idea he was not
going to make it.
They confirmed that thatbasically all that was alive was
his Reign.
So I instructed them to takeout the intubation and they did

(55:27):
and I stayed with my dad.
He went through the death rose,which is where, when you are
dying, when your Reign is givingup, there's changes in how you
breathe, there's convulsionswith the body, there's different
things that go on in thismoment.
It's not easy to watch and itdidn't last long, it wasn't too
terrible.
I took him off life support,which is what he wanted, and I

(55:48):
literally held his left hand inmy right hand and I had my left
hand on his heart and I felt hislast heartbeat and he was gone.
My dad and my best friend wasgone.
Again, it's just so much love.
You know, I just love that man.
So anyways, they let me staywith him for a little while and

(56:15):
I went home as exhausted as youmight imagine, got a shower, got
some food, went to sleep.
Next day was a day where I hadto go down to the sheriff's
department.
I had to do certain things, soI didn't work that day.
The next day after that, secondday after I worked, I just
really felt like I was okay, Iwas strong enough and good
enough and I just needed to getback to work with my people.

(56:35):
And so I did.
And I went that morning to aplace called Trader's Coffee,
right across from St Mary's.
I mean, I literally could seethe building where he was the
day a couple of days before thewindow of his room.
I got my cup of coffee, wentoutside, got in my truck it was
a Ford Ranger turned on theradio and one of his favorite
songs came on and in that moment, literally, I stopped grieving,

(56:57):
I stopped feeling loss and whatI started feeling was gratitude
and joy and love and I startedsmiling.
I was happy, I felt really goodand I never looked back.
I never looked back.
I just chose to focus on thegratitude I have, the love, the
memories, the good times that wehad, and that's what I've

(57:18):
chosen to live my life with eversince.
So I reflect on him, I talk tohim once in a while.
I remember him Even before thisshow.
I was resting, just kind oflaying down and closing my eyes,
resting for a minute, and Isaid to him hey, why don't you
come on in and sit with me whileI do the show?

Erin (57:36):
I love that.

Marcus (57:37):
He may be with us right now.

Kellie (57:39):
I have no doubt, every time you share that story and
I've probably heard it moretimes than most people ever have
in our quiet moments, what Ifeel is this incredible amount
of bravery, courageousness,resilience, but also a very deep

(58:02):
commitment to the value of lifeand what that really means.
Value of life and what thatreally means and, again, I think
that continues to show upthrough the living of your life
every day, which mostly includesyour family and your clients.
So I have no doubt that yourpop is with us now, but also

(58:25):
that he continues to show up andprovide you with extraordinary
strength in both of those areasof your life where you lead very
passionately and veryintentionally the words that we
were just talking about earlier,and very gratefully.
So thank you for yourvulnerability and your

(58:46):
transparency and your honestywith not just what that
experience was like for you inthe moment, but how you've
carried that forward intoeverything else that you touch.

Marcus (58:59):
My pleasure.
Thanks for asking me to shareit.
It's an important experience inmy life.
I think it helped to shape me.
Honestly, I think that nobodywants to go through that.
Is that fair?
I mean, nobody really wants todo that, okay, but I did, and
I'm glad I was the only onethere.
Nobody else needed to be there,nobody else needed to see that,
nobody else needed to makethose decisions.
But I'll tell you somethingit's in those moments where you

(59:22):
find out what you're made of,and I knew, coming out of that
two days later and ever sincethese years, I know what I am
made of.
And a good example of thatwould be and how he shows up
still to this day.
Our daughter, Savannah, was in ahead-on collision in 2018.
And as she was sitting in thecar before the paramedics and

(59:42):
the fire department got there tocut her out of that car, which
she had no business livingthrough, she saw an eagle.
That's my dad.
He shows up a lot, but she sawhim and she knew what it was.
First she said I thought it wasyou dad.
Wow, that's pretty cool, right?
But it was my dad, and so shewas over on the front range of

(01:00:05):
Colorado.
We were over here in WesternColorado.
It's probably about five-hourdrive straight through.
We got the call.
I stayed calm.
You helped me get packed.
I drove across the mountain.
I didn't speed.
I stayed calm because I neededto get there.
I needed to help my daughterand I walked into the hospital
room for the very first time.

(01:00:26):
She had a four fracture, soshe had nine fractures in her
face, broken left femur, prettyrough shape.
And I show up the hospital roomand I'm standing at the foot of
the bed.
She was asleep.
My mom and my sister are on oneside of the bed.
Jenny, savannah's mother, andmy brother-in-law, tony, was on
the other side of the bed and Ilooked at them.

(01:00:46):
I looked at my daughter.
I stood up tall and I knew thatthis was going to be a long,
difficult journey.
But I said to myself you're theman for the job and.
.
.
I got to work.
My job was to get my daughterback, to give her every
semblance of a normal life Icould, and I knew I was the man
for the job.
That's my dad in me.

Kellie (01:01:14):
Your dad was lucky to have you for a son and you to
have him as a dad.
Your daughter is very lucky tohave you as her father, a
warrior for her safety, hersecurity, her protection, her
future.
And over the last 15 years we'veblended our family and I've
seen you carry all of thosebeautiful qualities into our

(01:01:38):
relationship as husband and wifenow for eight years, but
together for 15 and into yourrelationships with Reis and Lily
.
And I think that one of themost beautiful things about our
blended family very similar tothe blended family that Erin and
I were so fortunate to become apart of is we really all became

(01:02:02):
an instant family.
That doesn't mean it's easy anddoesn't come without its
challenges and difficulties andcomplexities.
Doesn't mean it's easy anddoesn't come without its
challenges and difficulties andcomplexities.
But you picked up that torch,not just for me and with me, but
with enthusiasm and excitementand an openness, and we've all
learned and grown together andI'd love to hear from you what

(01:02:26):
kind of stepping into that roleand what our family has become
and how being not just a fatherbut a second father and also how
that's showing up with ourgranddaughter now with Reign.

Marcus (01:02:39):
Well, I never wanted to be Reis and Lily's dad, because
they have a dad.
I didn't want to replace theirfather.
I just wanted to be the bestperson I could be in their life.
I wanted to be somebody theycould talk to, somebody they
could trust, somebody that theyknew loved their father.
I just wanted to be the bestperson I could be in their life.
I wanted to be somebody theycould talk to, somebody they
could trust, somebody that theyknew loved their mother.
I wanted them to know and towitness a healthy relationship
between the two of us, just likeI wanted Savannah to witness a

(01:03:01):
healthy relationship, becausewhat you show your kids matters,
what you show them matters, andI'd come out of a relationship
that wasn't successful and youdid too and so I really wanted
to make sure again, I wasintentional.
I just didn't walk into thisbubble-headed and just whatever.
I really wanted to have animpact and be the best person I

(01:03:22):
could be for all three of ourchildren and the best husband I
could be for you Something Ilearned from my father.
Obviously, right, I mean, it'snot easy blending a family.
Necessarily.
There are many challenges thatcome with that.
You guys had a lot easier jobthan we did.
But there are some challenges,but I wasn't going to give up, I
wasn't going to fail, I wasn'tgoing to just throw in the towel
and I was not going to doanything other than the best

(01:03:44):
that I had within me, which Iwasn't perfect.
I made mistakes.
I've apologized where I need to, because I own my actions, but
I've loved, I've been to, Ithink, almost every single
extracurricular activity thatall three of the kids were
involved in since I met them.
I remember the very first time Isaw Reis I think it was a

(01:04:04):
wrestling match.
Very first time event I everwent to at Reis was a wrestling
match.
All of Savannah's games youwere with me, right, whether it
was lacrosse or gymnastics orsoccer or whatever.
It was right.
And Lily, everything that shedid.
I remember the band concertswere the funnest thing with the
kids because in middle schoolthey're not very good but
they're your kids and you lovethem and it's amazing, right?

(01:04:25):
And to see them grow and getbetter over time so much fun, so
much fun.
And to see them grow and getbetter over time so much fun, so
much fun.
Even going to Reis skateboardcompetitions at the park and
different things.
We just it was important to bethere for them, it was important
to show up, it was important tobe a presence, it was important
to have dinner, to talk, toteach them about cooking, to
teach them about how to takecare of themselves and how to
grow up in this world the bestyou possibly could, to support

(01:04:46):
them where you could, love themwhere you could, because there
were times they just needed love, they just needed somebody to
be there, somebody that cares,somebody to listen.
And I think I did the best job.
I knew how to do and you were agreat partner, Kellie, to do
this with and still doing it nowwith baby Reign and our kids.
And I just learned so much fromraising our three kids that I

(01:05:06):
now feel that I am in the bestposition I have ever been in my
life to nurture a little life,to do what I can from my
position as grandfather notparent, just grandfather to
really help her feel loved andvalued and heard and be
important, and to reallyunderstand that life is a

(01:05:27):
wonderful thing and it's also achallenging thing, but together
we can get through it, and thatfamily matters.
You meet people who don't havefamily.
They're in rough shape, they'rein rough shape.
So I was always raised thatfamily is number one and I
believe that with every singlefiber of my being to this very
day, and that is not open forcompromise with me.

Kellie (01:05:50):
One of the things that we talk about a lot and we share
with people.
I know we've shared withfriends and family members, and
you've shared with your clients,that the level of patience and
presence we have as grandparentsis really beautiful.
And it's not just beautiful forReign.
It is beautiful for us becauseit absolutely changes the

(01:06:14):
dynamic of the experience whenyou put down your phone, the
television isn't on, there's nocomputers and it's time for play
, it's time for learning, it'stime for eating or sticking
marshmallows on somebody'slittle tiny face, and literally

(01:06:38):
that patience and that presencehas allowed us to experience
moments that I don't necessarilyrecall having as a parent.
Those moments that and I was agood mom, it's not that you're
not a good parent, but you're soyoung and you're figuring it

(01:06:59):
out as you go.
And this is the real sweetopportunity time to be a
meaningful and impactful part ofa child's life meaningful and
impactful part of a child's life.
And it's been especiallypoignant for me because, as we
have navigated this new roleover the last 20 months,
tomorrow I have found myselfreflecting on my own

(01:07:21):
relationship with mygrandparents and thinking back
to the role that they played inmy life, in our lives Erin,
especially our grandma andgrandpa Gobbo, who lived right
here and played a very, veryinstrumental part in raising the
two of us during the timebetween a divorce and our

(01:07:43):
blended family, when we didn'treally have that kind of love
and connection from a nuclearfamily or an individual parent.
And I thought, gosh, you know,Grandma Millie was 54 when I was
born, or 53 turning 54, and Iwas 53 turning 54 when Reign was

(01:08:05):
born.
And what really came to me wasjust this now, very empathetic
awareness and understanding ofhow much she actually loved me
when I came into this world andwhy we spent so much time
together across my lifetimeuntil she died at 101.

(01:08:27):
And the level of gratitude andappreciation that I have for
that grandparent relationshiphas just skyrocketed.
It's been a beautifulperspective to gain.

Marcus (01:08:39):
It's one of the sweeter ones, I think.
When we were kids, we'd govisit my grandparents in
California for the summer, forabout a month, and my grandpa
would take us to have lunch withmy grandma Shirley.
She worked in Visalia.
She was a mental health workerhelping people with mental
health issues, and she wouldwalk us through every office.

(01:09:00):
These are my grandkids.
This is Marcus and Kellie.
They've come to visit me forthe summer and we'd be like, can
we just go to McDonald's, right?
Because that's where we wentfor lunch and it was kind of a
little bit embarrassing, youknow, or whatever.
But she showed us off likenobody's business and I
understand why today.
Yeah, I understand why today.
And I look back on that and Ijust think how wonderful, right,

(01:09:24):
how wonderful that she did that.
She loved us immensely, justlike Millie loved you guys
immensely, right.
And she loved us immensely,just like Millie loved you guys
immensely right.
And it just feels so good andit's such a one.
To be with your grandchild Ithink is nurturing, I think it
actually feeds you If you'rewilling to be patient, soft, be
present, listen, learn, just bewith them.
You know just no distractions.

(01:09:45):
What you get out of it is soamazing.
It's not, it's incredible.
And obviously what they get outof it is incredible.
You basically are witnessingthe becoming of a being.
You're watching their Reignwork.
Reign put on the sunglasses forthe first time.
She hasn't wanted to wear thesunglasses.
Kellie got her because theyfelt weird on her face.
But this weekend, last weekend,she put them on and she started

(01:10:07):
looking around.
Wow, this is cool.
You could just see her mindworking.
She didn't want to take themoff.
After that she was like allinto them.
You show her one thing one timeand she's got it that quick.
How much she learns, how fastshe learns.
It is phenomenal to be a partof the becoming of a human being

(01:10:27):
.
That happens to be yourgranddaughter.
I am so grateful, I feel soprivileged and you know, one of
the greatest things I think thatI've learned is how fast
children grow up.
When you're a parent, I don'tthink you truly realize how fast
it's going to go from birth tograduation.
I don't think I know.
I did not, no way.
And the older you got, thefaster it went.

(01:10:48):
And now we know just howquickly that little baby is
going to become a little girl,which she's very close to doing
already.
Then she's going to become thislittle elementary school kid
doing all this stuff and then amiddle schooler playing sports
and wanting to date and this andthat and the other.
Oh my gosh, I think weunderstand.
I know.
I certainly understand betterthan ever how fast they grow up,

(01:11:10):
and so every moment, and weonly get to see her maybe once
or twice a week.
How fast this goes and howprecious this time is.
I soak it up every single time.

Erin (01:11:20):
I love that.
It's really fun for me on theoutside looking in watching the
two of you take on this role,and it's just it's beautiful,
it's so beautiful.

Marcus (01:11:33):
It is.

Erin (01:11:34):
Yeah, it's really fun and it's.
You know, you said somethingearlier when you were talking
about your relationship withyour dad and just the
conversations that you used tohave and you made a reference to
.
You know, maybe he even learneda couple things from me, right,
which I guarantee you he did.
And now you're on the otherside of that too, where, even at

(01:11:55):
20 months old, I know that sheis teaching the two of you so
much about life, love, loss,legacy, all the things that we
talk about, right, but she is.
I just can really only imagine,you know, seeing the world

(01:12:15):
through her eyes, right, gettinga little glimpse of just.
You know her fascination withflowers and the hose water and,
you know, like all of thesethings Bubbles, sunglasses, golf
balls Just simple, but yeah,it's really fun.

(01:12:37):
And so, yes, you know, we alllearned so much from our parents
and grandparents, but to now bea parent and a grandparent and
to realize that we actually alsolearn so much from our kids and
from our grandchildren and thatthose moments matter, that

(01:13:33):
moments matter.

Kellie (01:13:34):
I do want to pivot just a little bit, because we have
spent this conversation reallycelebrating the gifts of family,
but there are some people whodo not have family and you even
mentioned that earlier, Marcus.
All of us have broken familyrelationships or have come from
broken family relationships.
We have friends who have brokenfamily relationships.
We know people who really arekind of alone in the world, and

(01:13:55):
I know that this is somethingyou've probably seen repeatedly
throughout your coaching career,working with individuals.
I'd love to have you, from yourperspective, both as a man, a
father and a coach, share anyinsights or words of wisdom or
encouragement to people wholisten to all of this and say,

(01:14:19):
yeah, that's really great foryou guys, but I don't have that.
I just don't know how tonavigate that.

Marcus (01:14:26):
Yes, I have run into that both personally and
professionally.
You know that exists in ourreality with certain people that
are used to be very importantto us and now no longer are in
our lives.
So we've had to navigate ourown way right, and I do work
with people that, for whateverreason the reasons are many,
really certain people aren't intheir life anymore, and it's

(01:14:46):
just so important to help peopleunderstand, at least through my
lens of perception, that ifsomebody leaves your life, it
doesn't necessarily mean it wasbecause of you.
We all make choices, and justbecause somebody makes the
choice to behave a certain wayor put themselves in a position
where they leave or you have tonot let them in anymore.
Frankly, it has to be done atdifferent times not let them in

(01:15:11):
anymore.
Frankly, it has to be done atdifferent times and it's not
easy, I will tell you.
It's not like the great stuffin life, but it is life and we
have to deal with it.
And the thing that I can sharewith you is that it's important
that we really do some insidework with that, especially if we
can't resolve the situationwith the person, whether the
person died, whether the personleft, whether we could no longer
allow that toxicity to bearound and we had to not let

(01:15:34):
them in anymore.
So you can't really talk to theperson, you can't really try to
work it out and come to closurewith the other person, which I
think is what most peoplestruggle with, honestly.
So we have to come to closurewith ourselves.
What else is left to us?
We have to find a way to workthrough this to a good position,
and I think it's reallyimportant to take stock of who
you are as a human being and toreally believe in yourself, to

(01:15:56):
value yourself, to care foryourself, to remind yourself
that you're here, that your lifecontinues and that you can't
let those things stop you fromliving the very best life you
can for yourself and for others.
It's a choice we have to make.

Kellie (01:16:12):
I know too for me learning how to embrace
forgiveness without everreceiving an apology, and I know
there are probably times in mylife other people have looked at
me and had to do that with meand I just wasn't even aware of
the situation.
I always try to takeresponsibility for my own

(01:16:34):
actions.
One of the great things welearned from our parents growing
up but sometimes you're noteven aware of maybe something
that you've done, but if thereis something really blatant that
has happened and if that personor that relationship really
meant a lot to you that was oneof the great things that you
helped me with and I want tothank you for that was learning

(01:16:57):
how to number one not take itpersonally that it wasn't
actually me, that was a longjourney, a lifetime journey
actually but also thatforgiveness was going to help me
heal.
Forgiveness was going to pave away to peace, and I think that
that is a different road foreverybody who has to ultimately

(01:17:20):
wind up going down it.

Marcus (01:17:22):
That I agree with.
We're all so unique, oursituations are so unique.
The dynamics that led to whatwe need to forgive are different
.
But in the end, what you'redoing is really you're just
taking in.
You're changing that energyright From something that's
eating away at you that's toxicenergy inside of you whether
it's thoughts or feelings,cellular memory, you name it and

(01:17:43):
changing that into somethingthat's no longer a caustic force
inside of you and in your life,but rather something that you
have transmuted into.
It's sort of like when you takeand you, if you've ever had a
corroded cable on your batteryof your car, it's corroded with
acid, right, and what you do isis you take and you mix baking
soda and water with a toothbrushand just a little mixing cup

(01:18:05):
and you go out there and youpour it on top of your cables
and you use that toothbrush toscrub, put a little baking soda
on there and it neutralizes theacid so that it won't destroy
your cables or your battery.
That's really what you're doingwhen you forgive.
You are basically neutralizingthe toxicity of the situation
that is within you so that youno longer are eating away at

(01:18:25):
yourself with what somebody elsechose to do that you are saying
are eating away at yourselfwith what somebody else chose to
do, that you are saying no, Ideserve peace from this, I
deserve release from this.
I deserve a different energyflowing within me, and I must
choose to do that becausechances are the person that
you're forgiving isn't reallythinking about it that much.

Kellie (01:18:44):
Well, Amen to all of that.
A nd what that ultimately endsup being is something I have
heard you repeat over and, overand over again, which is be
empowered in the face of yourreality.

Marcus (01:18:59):
That's correct.
As long as you remember thatyou get to choose, you are
always empowered.
If you remember that you havechoice and you exercise choice,
you're always empowered.
The moment you forget that youhave the power to choose and you
choose not to choose, you aredisempowering yourself.
We may not always like thechoices we have to make.
At times we wish I wish Ididn't have to make this choice,

(01:19:22):
but you know what that's, whatlife is.
Life is choice and we need tomake the best choices we can for
ourselves.
It's important to beintentional about it and to
remember that you hold the poweror the key to your empowerment,
and that is through the processof choosing.

Kellie (01:19:38):
If you could choose your legacy as a father, a man, a
coach, a grandfather what wouldthat look like for you?

Marcus (01:19:46):
I just want to live in the hearts and minds of my
family, in the beat of theirheart, the thoughts in their
mind, the feelings, the love,the memories.
I want to be there.
It's an interesting thing.
Most of my clients havereported to me that even when
we've stopped working togetherfor years, it's as if I ride
around on their shoulder andremind them what they call

(01:20:07):
Marxisms when they need them.
So they get into a situationand something we talked about,
some message, some little keyquote or some little key idea
comes to them in their moment ofneed.
That's the legacy I'm lookingfor.
I would like to be thought ofas a man who was a good man not
perfect good who cared, wholoved, who tried his hardest,

(01:20:27):
who was there every day, nevergave up and would do just about
anything he could to help you ifyou needed help, but in the end
he loved you.
That's the legacy I'm lookingfor.
It's the one I build every day.

Erin (01:20:39):
Well, I think that you're exactly right.
I think that you are livingthat every day and we talk here
often about and Kellie evenmentioned it in the beginning of
the podcast today that legacyis not just what you leave
behind, but it's how you live.
That is your legacy, yourliving legacy, and you're doing

(01:21:02):
an extraordinary job, but notjust in your job.
You're an extraordinary humanbeing and you have a profound
impact on anybody who is blessedenough to cross your path.

Marcus (01:21:14):
Thank you, Erin.
I appreciate that.
Would it be okay if I shared astory of one of the greatest
gifts my dad ever gave me?
Yeah, yes, please One of thethings he passed on that, I
believe, changed my life.
I know it did and I try to dothe same thing with everybody I
work with and everybody who's inmy family.
I know it did and I try to dothe same thing with everybody I
work with and everybody who's inmy family.
I do the same thing in aslightly different way.
So he was in the VA hospitalshortly before he passed away

(01:21:39):
pretty much wheelchair for themost part and there was a time
when he said we're just sittingthere talking Outside.
There was some residentialbuildings outside the hospital
where he was staying and sowe're just sitting there.
I'd take him food every day andspend time with him, because it
was terrible.
He was in there.
You know what I mean.
He didn't want to be there andI didn't want to be there, so
we're just talking.
And that was one of thosemoments when he just looked at

(01:22:00):
me, put his hand I don'tremember what, but he put his
hand on my forearm and he gotclose and he looked at me and he
said son, I have challenged youevery single way.
I knew how, because I knew thatlife was tough.
I knew that it was hard.
I knew you were going to haveto go through challenges, but I
challenged you every way.
I knew how, and you havesurpassed everything that I

(01:22:23):
threw at you in ways I neverthought you even could.
And the only one that's goingto stop you is you, and the only
one that's going to fool you isyou.
So what he did was is he gaveme a vote of confidence.
He told me I believe in you,you've made it and you have
everything you need now.

(01:22:43):
I think he felt like his job wasdone with me, his job as a
father, and so think about that.
I don't have to wonder if mydad loved me.
I don't have to wonder if hewas proud of me.
I don't have to wonder if Imeasured up.
He told me all those things andmore, so I get to carry that.
It helps me to be who I am.
It helps me to stand in who Iam, in my strength as a human

(01:23:04):
being, my clarity about who I amand why I'm here, and I try to
give that gift to everybody elsearound me, in little ways,
sometimes bigger ways, whetherthey're a child, a family member
or a client.
I want people to believe inthemselves.
I want them to know they'reokay, that you've got what it
takes, and I believe in you.

Kellie (01:23:24):
That's a gift you can't wrap up and put in a box with a
bow.
And that's priceless, that'sabsolutely priceless.

Marcus (01:23:32):
It is.
Heck of a gift.
I feel very fortunate, veryfortunate.

Kellie (01:23:42):
So, as we kind of wrap things up today, Marcus.
.
.
man, we've covered a lot ofterritory and there's so many
more places we could go.
But, reflecting on fatherhood,what gift would you like to give
today to all the fathers andgrandfathers or soon to be
fathers of all types, all shapes, sizes, types?
What would you share from yourheart to theirs?

Marcus (01:24:04):
Being a father is infinitely important.
Not being a perfect father,being the best father you can be
.
And, if you haven't been thatgood of a father, you can change
right now.
Remember, you get to choose.
You get to choose and what youchoose is going to impact you
and that child and futuregenerations down the line.
So what you choose reallymatters.
It's important to beintentional as a father, to be

(01:24:26):
the best you can be, to own yourmistakes, to learn from your a
father, to be the best you canbe, to own your mistakes, to
learn from your missteps, to getwiser, to get smarter, to get
better, to be there to listen,to communicate, to learn to
teach, to mentor and help thepeople around you find their way
through life the best way thatthey can so they can experience
the very greatest life that theypossibly can.
Be a guiding light, show themthe way and along the way,

(01:24:48):
you're going to get better tooand you're going to learn a lot
and you're going to be at theend of your life, I believe you
will be able to say I'm proud ofthe father I was and the man I
became, and I think that's worthit.

Erin (01:25:00):
Wow, thank you.
That is a powerful message andone that I am certain will
resonate deeply.
And what a gift from you.
Thank you for that.

Marcus (01:25:13):
Thanks for asking and thank you for today.

Kellie (01:25:22):
Thank you for your time, your presence, your
authenticity and your love.

Erin (01:25:28):
Marcus, do you have a P-I-G that you would like to
share with us today?
I know you've been featured ona previous episode and shared
your P-I-G based on thatconversation at that time, but
we would love to hear from youif your P-I-G is the same or
different, or if there's justanything on your heart that
you'd like to share in regardsto that today?

Marcus (01:25:45):
Well, I certainly love your guys' P-I-G.
I mean, that's a tough one tobeat you guys.
I think you kind of really gotsome good stuff going there.
If you ask me, what came to mewhen you asked that question is
passion, integrity and grace.
Ah, beautiful, because if youdon't have passion in life it's
a rough deal.
You know you're lost.

(01:26:06):
If you don't have integrity,you're not genuine, you will not
be the best, you're lost.
If you don't have integrity,you're not genuine, you will not
be the best person you can be.
And if you don't have grace,both for yourself and other
people, then you're justmerciless and that's not the way
to be.
That's not the way to be.
So I believe in passion,integrity and grace.

Erin (01:26:22):
I love it.

Kellie (01:26:23):
Thank you, and from us to you, happy Father's Day and
happy Papa's Day.

Marcus (01:26:29):
Thank you, ladies.

Kellie (01:26:30):
I love you.

Marcus (01:26:31):
I love you both too.
It's been a joy, Thank you.

The Sisters (01:26:55):
Hearing the stories of others helps us create a
more meaningful connection toour own.
We hope today's conversationoffered you insight,
encouragement or even just amoment to pause and reflect on
the story you're living and thelegacy you're creating.
If something in this episodemoved you, please consider
sharing it with someone you love.
A small share can make a bigimpact.

(01:27:15):
You can also join us onInstagram, Facebook or LinkedIn
and connect further atthepigpodcastcom and if you're
enjoying this podcast, one ofthe most meaningful ways you can
support us is by leaving afive-star rating, writing a
short review or simply lettingus know your thoughts.
Your feedback helps us reachothers and reminds us why we do

(01:27:38):
this work, because The P-I-Gisn't just a podcast.
It's a place to remember that,even in the midst of grief, life
goes on.
Resilience matters and lovenever leaves.
Thanks for being on thisjourney with us.
Until next time.
Hogs and kisses everyone.

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