Jonathan's Journal: From the Edge of Grief to a River of Healing

Some stories begin at the edge.  What do you do when the unimaginable happens? For Rebecca Fielding, life changed forever when her younger brother Jonathan fell to his death at the majestic Moonscape Overlook in eastern Utah. 

Out of that loss came Jonathan’s Journal—a simple notebook left at the site of his fall that grew into a movement of letters, art, and stories passed from stranger to stranger, heart to heart. What began as unbearable grief became a rising movement of connection and healing. 

With raw honesty, Rebecca shares:

• The day Jonathan’s fall changed her world forever.
• How grief reshaped her as a sister and daughter.
• The creation and journey of Jonathan’s Journal.
• Why strangers can sometimes carry us through loss.
• How Jonathan’s love became enough to last a lifetime.

Learn more about Jonathan’s story in the CNN feature article, join the Jonathan’s Journal Facebook group, or follow Rebecca’s reflections on Instagram (@throughjonnyseyesphotography) and TikTok (@bonjovisfamclub). You may also view and support her photography project, Through Johnny’s Eyes.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
What do you do when the person who lit up every room
is suddenly gone, when theguilt you never expected
collides with silence and anache that never fades?
And how do you turn what feelsunbearable into something
unforgettable, something thatmight just save someone else as
you fight to save yourself?

Speaker 2 (00:22):
Rebecca Fielding has been to that edge, literally and
figuratively, after the tragicloss of her brother Jonathan at
Moonscape Lookout in easternUtah.
She didn't just grieve, sheinvited others into their story.
What began as a single journalat the site of his fall has
become a movement Jonathan'sJournal, a lifeline of letters,

(00:44):
art and stories passed fromstranger to stranger, heart to
heart.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Today's conversation isn't only about grief, mental
health and healing.
It's about what happens when wechoose to give pain a purpose,
because loss doesn't have tobreak us.
Instead, it offers a choice toshut down or open up, to
collapse or create, to walkalone or make space for others

(01:09):
traveling the same winding road.
Welcome to the PIG, where weexplore life, love, loss and
legacy through realconversations and meaningful
stories, with purpose, intentionand gratitude.
I'm Kelly and I'm Erin.

Speaker 2 (01:24):
We're sisters best friends, sometimes polar
opposites, but always deeplyconnected by the life, love and
legacy of the woman RebeccaFielding to the mic.

(01:45):
This is a story of love, ofloss and of a sister who turned
unimaginable pain into a living,breathing legacy.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
Rebecca, welcome to the PIG.
It is such a privilege and anhonor to have you with us today.
Thank you for being here.

Speaker 3 (02:12):
Thank you, guys, for having me.
I'm really looking forward tothis.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Well, it's going to be a really wonderful and
beautiful conversation.
I know our listeners are goingto be touched at a very deep
level.
I know I was very touched whenI first heard about Jonathan's
untimely accident and hispassing on January 27th of 2024

(02:38):
in eastern Utah.
Aaron and I were born andraised in western Colorado, in
Grand Junction, which is where Icurrently live, and so this
accident happened not too farfrom where I live.
So this was actually a storythat I heard about and knew
about at the time but never madethe connection, never had any

(03:00):
intention of making a connectionabout this story.
Until very recently I saw a CNNarticle that was published and
we'd love to have you kind oftalk about that and share about
that article.
And I was so moved by the storyitself and your story and your

(03:20):
journey through it that Ireached out and connected.
And here we are.
We really appreciate you beingbold and strong and courageous
enough to join Erin and I on thePIG today and to share your
story, jonathan's story, withour listeners.
So to get started, let's justtalk a little bit about you and

(03:44):
Jonathan and your family and howyou grew up, and then we'll
kind of move into what happenedon that fateful day in January.

Speaker 3 (03:52):
Okay, so a little bit about me and my family and just
a background of who we all are.
So my family is originally fromUtah.
My parents grew up there.
They met, fell in love, gotmarried, had my two older
sisters.
Then they moved our family outto Missouri, where I was born,
and then I had three moresiblings born Jonathan and
Caitlin and Michelle, in thatorder and we just lived out here

(04:15):
for a long time.
Every single year we'd go backto Utah to visit family that we
had out there.
We were siblings, we had oursquabbles and stuff out there.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
Um, we were siblings.
Uh, we had our squabbles andstuff.
It sounds like jonathan was theonly boy in a collection of
girls and he was in the middleyeah, sandwiched right there.

Speaker 3 (04:35):
Um, it's a miracle that he survived.
I don't know how he did it andI think that's part of the
reason why he turned out to besuch a cool dude and so chill,
because he had three oldersisters and two younger sisters
and there was just so much chaosgoing on and all the girl drama
that he had to be the solid one, he had to be the calm one, the
same person out of all of us.

(04:56):
Yeah, growing up he was alwaysjust this really cool little guy
, always super sweet.
There was one period where hehad a mean streak where he
decided he didn't want to benice anymore.
He decided that he wanted tojust be mean and evil, and so
for three days straight he wasextremely mean to me.
He beat me up so much.

(05:17):
He was a little kid and I'mlike two years older than him,
but he gave me three bloodynoses in three days and it got
to the point where my mom wasgetting concerned, like she was
thinking, oh my gosh, I have alittle psychopath on my hand.
But then at the end of the threedays he came up to her and said
, mom, I don't want to be meananymore.
And then after that he was justthe nicest guy you'd ever meet.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Oh, that's sweet.

Speaker 1 (05:41):
How old were you all when that little mean streak
showed up in Jonathan?

Speaker 3 (05:48):
He was probably like four years old, wow.

Speaker 2 (05:50):
Like.

Speaker 3 (05:51):
I was probably five or six, he was three or four,
and that's just when it showedup because he was just tired of
being the nice one in the family.
So he thought he just had toturn up being the mean one.
And then he decided not for him, realized it wasn't worth the
effort, but he just wanted to bea nice guy.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
When you think back about those early years with
your family and Jonathan as alittle boy, what really stands
out to you?

Speaker 3 (06:18):
Me and our family have our differences on it, but
the way I see it, the way Iremember my childhood, is that
we had two parents who triedtheir best and they were alone
here in Missouri.
They didn't have anyone helpingthem and they had six kids and
no idea what they were doingTrying to raise family, trying
to do jobs and paper house andall that.

(06:40):
And I just remember all thegood stuff.
I remember playing with mysiblings out in the yard.
I remember the old house weused to live in.
I remember all the good times.
I remember chasing fireflies.
Um, we did have some issuesgrowing up.
A lot of us in my family dohave mental health issues myself
, including myself especiallybut I just remember a lot of

(07:01):
good stuff with our childhood.
And I remember all of our Utahtrips, all the times we'd go to
like our national park or govisit our grandparents, and I
just remember Jonathan justalways being there, being like
the home one in all of us.
We'd hit our bikes and stuff,but ultimately he just made sure
everyone was always included,even from a young age.

Speaker 2 (07:21):
I love that.
Did he play any sports or whatwas he into activity wise?
What were some of the thingsthat he liked to do as a child?

Speaker 3 (07:32):
So he was very into sports.
He liked doing active stuff.
He did a little bit of trackand field, particularly in high
school.
He actually ended up going tostate for the thing where you go
and jump over the pole.
Oh yeah, pole vaulting, yeah,pole vaulting, yeah.
So our grandpa he was actuallylike a state champion when he

(07:54):
was a young kid.
And so Jonathan took up polevaulting because he wanted to be
like a grandpa and he had a lotof fun with it.
He went to state.
So that was one thing he did.
And when he was in middleschool I believe it was he
really started getting gettinginto photography.
He had done it for, like thisboy scout award badge thing and
then after he finished theproject, he just kept on doing

(08:15):
it and that kind of reallyshaped who he was.
He really became like thephotographer of the area.
He was always out takingpictures of people, always had
his camera with him, just alwayspracticing and getting better.

Speaker 1 (08:27):
That actually leads us to the day that your family's
life changed forever Because,as I, yeah.

Speaker 3 (08:47):
So he had moved out to Utah because he was trying to
get his, his place in the world.
He's trying to figure out wherehe fit in.
And he had gotten hired at thiscompany they do door to door
salesmen stuff called the grid,they sell pest control.
And so Jonathan joined them and, yeah, he had moved out there.
He had been living out therefor about six months.
Suddenly less than a year, andit was the off season and they

(09:08):
were just getting ready to godown to Texas to start their
next gig.
And so Jonathan went with twofriends out to a place in
Southeastern Utah calledMoonscape Overlook, and he was
out there doing photography withhis friends and that's when he
had his accident.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
Do you feel comfortable explaining to us
what happened to that day?

Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah for sure.
So I wasn't there.
I don't have firsthand accounts.
Really.
I talked to one of the guys whowas there and he gave me like a
description of what happens.
They had driven their truck overto the side so it went over
like um, it's like a peninsulain the sky, almost so it's like
this outcropping of the bigrocks and cliffs, and then it's
just open views all around, soit's almost 360 views with
factory view right behind it.
And so they had driven theirtruck to kind of near the edge.

(10:00):
They were getting cool picturesof it and jonathan was getting
pictures of one of the friendshe was with.
He had his camera up and he wasvery focused in the zone and he
was getting closer and closerto the edge, backing up because
he was trying to get that rightperfect angle, because he was
just so in the zone with that.
And his friend said hey,jonathan, you're getting too
close, or something like that,said Jonathan, watch out, you're

(10:23):
right on the edge.
And so jonathan put his footback to get his balance to step
forward and there wasn'tanything there, his foot, just
the rocks there.
It's just all shale and justvery loose and just dirt and all
those rocks and so put his footdown and he slipped and he fell
and he managed to catch himselfwhen he first fell and he was

(10:46):
holding a limb and one of thefriends he was with who was
looking at him when it happened,he ran over to try to pull him
up and Jonathan couldn't hold onany longer and he let go and he
fell.
He fell 150 feet and hit thesandy embankment.
And then he fell another 150feet and hit like the sandy
embankment and then he fellanother 150 feet and so the two

(11:07):
guys they ran over and the onewho was at the trap at the time
tried climbing down there tosave him because they thought he
was still breathing.
And he got about five to tenfeet down and then the other guy
grabbed him and was like, hey,no, you can't do that, you're
gonna die.
And so they went back up andcalled 9-1-1.
Do you guys want me to get intohow I found out about it?

Speaker 2 (11:28):
If you're comfortable sharing, yeah.

Speaker 3 (11:31):
Sorry, getting a little shaky there.
It's okay, this isn't somethingI've really talked about a
whole lot with people.
I talked with my therapistabout it, told her about exactly
what happened and I told acouple of family members, but
I've never actually just satdown and gone through exactly
how I found out.
Um, so at the time I was in StLouis, about three, four hours

(11:53):
away from my house, because Iwas at a horse thing, a clinic,
um, like a convention.
I was learning things there andat the time I was at an Airbnb
by myself because my friend whowas with me had to leave early
because her dog got sick and soI was home at the Airbnb alone.
I wasn't sober, I was a littlehigh and in some ways I think

(12:14):
that was better, in some ways Ithink it was worse.
But I was just vibing along onmy phone when I got this text.
It was from my dad and he saidthat Jonathan was in a hiking
accident and fell in Moab, utahbecause we thought it was Moab
at the time and that he didn'tknow anything and that there was
a helicopter in the way.

(12:35):
This happened around 5 o'clockmy time, 4 o'clock Utah time,
and in that moment.
It took me five whole minutesfor that text to really set in
because, like I said, I was highand it didn't feel real Like.
From that moment on, everythingjust felt indescribable.
It was surreal.
So I was staring at my phone.
It took a long time for me toactually comprehend what it was

(12:57):
saying and I just remember Istarted breathing faster and
started panicking, freaking outreally.
And so rationally I knew Icouldn't just call my dad
because he wouldn't knowanything yet, and so I waited as
long as I could.
And then I called my sister andasked her if she knew anything,
and she didn't.
She was freaking out too, andso I got off the phone with her

(13:17):
and I just waited and waited andwaited and in that time so many
things went through my head.
One of the very first thoughts Ihad after I realized that this
was real, that I wasn't justseeing anything but this was
actually happening one of thefirst thoughts I had was
Jonathan's gonna be just fine.
Like nothing ever happens toJonathan.
He never gets hurt.

(13:38):
Nothing bad ever happens tothis kid.
He's just gonna call me back inlike an hour and be laughing
about this.
We're just going to think it'sso funny.
And then I got started thinkingmore, and the next thought I
had after that was, if he was ina serious accident and if he
was seriously hurt and if he wasparalyzed, that I hope he

(13:59):
didn't survive, because forsomeone like Jonathan, being
paralyzed and being like in avegetative state, that would
have been way worse than death.
He would never be who he wasagain and that would just
destroy him as a person, and soI hope that for his sake, that
even if it was just for a secondI thought this.
I did hope that he was gone andthat he wasn't in pain.

(14:20):
If what happened was serious,and so that was just for a
fleeting second, that's and thenI just completely brushed that
off and it's like again just,it's jonathan, nothing bad will
ever happen to this kid, there'sno way.
And so then I got startedthinking um, I I was like in my
head, running through scenarios.
I was like, okay, so I'm gonnago out to utah and he's gonna be
like in the hospital because hegot a little bit banged up and

(14:41):
I'm going to go see him in thehospital.
I'm going to tell him what anidiot he is.
We're always getting so closeto the edge and always taking
risks around cliffs and doingdangerous stuff.
And then I started callingpeople to like friends and my
work, to tell them that I wasn'tcoming in.
I was going out to Utah to gosee my brother.
And so my friend who had leftearlier that day because she had

(15:03):
to go home because of her sickdog.
I had called her and told herwhat was going on.
And she's like hey, okay, I'mgoing to stop at this dispensary
here in Missouri, we'll get himsome good pain relievers.
And she's like okay, I'm comingback to get you so I can take
you to the airport.
So for about 45 minutes I wasjust in that Airbnb by myself,
making plans to go out.

(15:24):
Not knowing what was going on,having absolutely no idea what
in the world was happening, Imanaged to call my mom and she
told me that they were gettingthe car ready to drive out to
Utah.
So after I called her, it wasabout another 10, 15, 20 minutes
that I was alone and I wasn'tcalling or texting anyone.
And I got out my phone and Istarted texting Jonathan.

(15:46):
I'm going to pull it up so I canremember just what exactly I
said, started texting him and Isaid that sydney's getting you
some gummy worms from thedispensary.
Um, we're going to have so muchfun talking about crazy
theories of the universe.
We're going to watch the restof the prissy jackson tv show
and we're going to eat more bluefood while doing it.
I'm going to get us some moreeggnog and use an entire bottle
of sugar sprinkles to diet blue.

(16:07):
I'm going to stop this showevery couple of minutes to
screech about things I recognizefrom the books Me and you are
going to go back to the wedge.
We're going to get up at 3am tosee the stars and watch the
sunrise.
I'm going to be asking ifyou're having fun a billion
times and you're going to getannoyed over it.
We're going to eat pad thai andyou're going to order spicy,
and I'll tell you that's a badidea.

(16:27):
And that's where my text cutoff, because I got a call from
my dad and I remember exactlywhere I was.
I was sitting on a couchstaring at the wall and his name
popped up and I hit send onthat text.
But dad called and to this day,it's just.
I can still still hear it likeevery single time I think about
it.
I'm, I'm back in that moment andI can just hear exactly how he

(16:49):
said it.
He said he's gone, he's dead,and in that moment, um, it's
just indescribable.
I will never be able todescribe that feeling that I had
that day.
Um, I screamed.
It took me a second and I justscreamed.
And I don't remember basicallyanything after that.
I don't remember hanging up thephone.

(17:12):
I just remember sitting there,dropping the phone and then just
staring at the wall and I don'tknow how long I sat there.
Eventually, I know I texted orcalled my friend Sydney, who was
coming back to pick me up, takeme to the airport, and I told
her that he was gone.
And then I just remembersitting in that house staring at
that wall and just the sheershock of it, like it was

(17:34):
incomprehensible to me that mylittle brother was gone.
Yeah, and I have cried in frontof people about what happened.
I've cried about his death infront of people probably four
times and I haven't cried abouthis death in front of anyone in
over a year.
In that moment my world justimploded and nothing was ever

(17:55):
the same.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (18:34):
I'm really grateful that we have provided a safe
space for you to share and toopen up and to cry and to laugh.
We want this to be a place whereit's all okay, all of it.
We want you to feel everythingthat you want to feel.

(18:54):
We talk so often about grief onthis podcast and how different
everybody's grief journey is,and so I just really
wholeheartedly don't want you tofeel bad or embarrassed or like
you have to not let it all cometo the surface.

(19:14):
I just really want you to knowthat this is a safe space and
for me, I just feel like I justgot such a beautiful picture of
who Jonathan was as a child,even growing up, and you just
created such a perfect vision ofwhat your household was like

(19:36):
and Jonathan being sandwiched inthe middle of all of these
girls.
So I just really want you toknow that I'm grateful for
everything that you've sharedand everything that you'll
continue to share.
I just want to make sure thatyou know that this is a space
for whatever you need it to be.
You know, for me, I and maybeyou're going to talk about this

(19:59):
I just look forward to hearingmore about the relationship
specifically that the two of youhad seems very unique and very
special.
You know that's a lot ofsiblings, right.
That's a lot of personalities,a lot of moving parts, and so

(20:19):
I'm really interested to knowabout Jonathan's relationship as
well, with some of the olderand younger sisters as well.
But it sounds like the two ofyou had a really strong, unique
bond and relationship, and I'dlove to hear more about some of
that as well.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Yeah, definitely Jonathan, two years younger than
me.
We were fighting before he waseven born.
I would be like laying with mymom or laying against my mom and
I'd feel him kicking and so Iwould start punching her stomach
back because I was like, hey,he's kicking me, so I got to,
got to fight it back.
So, yeah, before he was evenborn, me and him were going at

(21:02):
it a little bit.
Before he was even born, me andhim were going at it a little
bit.
But growing up I'm autistic, Iam on the spectrum and it it is
harder for me to be aroundpeople and talk to people and
just have conversations.
I've gotten a whole lot betterover the years.
I'm still pretty much recluse,I would say, but jonathan, he's
just always there.
I didn't even call him my bestfriend because he was more than
that he's my little brother.

(21:24):
Our relationship really gotbetter and we got closer.
The older he got and older Igot, he was always the one I was
texting.
He was always the one who wouldrespond back to me.
When I texted to give you anidea of who he was to me Around
Christmas time of 2023, Irealized that I was always
texting people and staying incontact with them, but no one
was putting in the effort tocontact me back or like to

(21:45):
message me first, and so aroundChristmas I was like I'm just
going to go into, not textanyone, and see who messages me
and like checks in on me.
And Jonathan was the only onewho did.
It took about two weeks becausehe was traveling back to Utah
and getting busy, being busy andgetting ready to go out to
Texas, but he was the firstperson to message me and be like

(22:09):
hey, I haven't heard from youin a while.
I just wanted to make sureyou're okay.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
So he kind of like won the race for that.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
But that's just who he was.
He was the woman who checked inon me, who made sure I was okay
and then, once I explained tohim, I was waiting to see who
was going to message me and Itold him that I was kind of
bummed out that no one else inthe family had reached out to me
.
He called every member of thefamily who talks to me still and
was like hey, you need to checkher phone, rebecca.
You guys never talked to her.
And one of the last texts inthe last conversation jonathan

(22:36):
ever had with my older sister,michaela, was talking about how
he wanted her to check in withme more and he wanted her to
make sure I was okay.
Because she still lives outhere and he could, she could see
me more, and that just givesyou an idea of who Jonathan was.
He just wanted to make surethat everyone around him was
okay and taken care of.
And another good example ofjust how our relationship was

(23:00):
was the November before he died,so November of 2023.
I went out to Utah on one of mytrips because I travel a lot,
and I went out and met him inEmory County, where our
grandparents live, so we couldgo out to the desert and go
camping and go see cool stuffout there.
And so that night, like I wasworried that he wasn't having
fun because I knew he had coolerfriends up in Utah.

(23:22):
And so I was like, hey, ifthere's anything you want to do,
if you don't want to do this,it's fine, you can go.
But he turned to me and he said, rebecca, I don't care what
we're doing, I just am happy tobe spending time with you, and
that's just again.
Jonathan was in the moment.
You were the only person whomattered to him.
He just made sure that you wereloved and made sure that you
knew that he was there for youand that he cared about you and

(23:43):
that you were important to him.
So, yeah, we had, we had a goodrelationship.
He was a cool little brother.
Um, we had a lot of insidejokes.
He had a great sense of humor.
One thing that kind of got mein trouble since he died is my
dark humor jokes, becausejonathan was the one who I would
send all my dark humor jokes to, and he was the only one in the
family who bought them.
And so now, uh, I go.

(24:04):
I try to tell other people myjokes.
I'm like, hey, this thing, andthey're like that's super morbid
.
You shouldn't say that, youknow, jonathan would have loved
that yeah, he would haveunderstood it and he had a great
sense of dark humor.
Like most people didn't get tosee it because he was always the
like golden child and, uh, theoutgoing kid and the one who was

(24:25):
super kind.
But yeah, he had a really goodsense of dark humor, yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
It sounds like the two of you had such an
incredible bond, which issomething that we obviously get
and understand, because we knowhow important that sibling
relationship is.
And there are moments wheresiblings don't get along and

(24:52):
don't see eye to eye and havetheir differences, especially,
you know, with age gaps.
But there's nothing quite likethe love that comes from a
sibling and, as an older sisterto a younger sister, to an older
sister of a younger brother,Having a younger sibling and I

(25:16):
hear this as you describeJonathan is such an incredible
gift and it sounds like as muchof a gift as he was to you.
You were also an incrediblegift to him and he truly
recognized that and that's abeautiful legacy for you to have

(25:37):
and to hold on to.
You know, as you navigate thedays, weeks, months and years
without Jonathan by your side,but still in your heart, yeah,
for sure.

Speaker 3 (25:50):
I'm so lucky that he was my brother, and one thing
that has got me through some ofthe worst moments of this past
year, like family drama andstuff, was that in October of
last year, out of the blue, hejust messaged me and he was like
hey, I can't talk right now onthe phone.
I can't talk on the phone rightnow, but I just wanted to let
you know how proud I am of youand how much I love you and that

(26:12):
I see how you've been growingas a person and I am just so
proud to be your brother and Ilove you so much and that text.
It made me realize a lot ofthings in the past year and it
is something that, above allelse, I will hold for the rest
of my life, Because I said thisto my mom at one point.
I said Jonathan was only a partof my life for about 19 to 20

(26:35):
years, If you want to count thetime we were fighting when he
wasn't born yet.
So 20 years of count back twodecades, and I said Jonathan was
only part of my life for ashort time, but that's okay,
because the love that he had forme in that time was enough to
last an entire lifetime.
And it really is, because, yeah, I only got to know him for a

(26:55):
short amount of time, but justthe sheer love he had for me,
that is something that will lastforever and it is something
that I will hold on to foreverand something that has gotten me
through some of the worstmoments of all of this, Rebecca.

Speaker 2 (27:08):
That's really beautiful.
I love that.
Enough love to last anotherlifetime Really Right.
Yeah, that's really beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.
Enough love to last anotherlifetime Really right.
Yeah, that's really beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 1 (27:20):
And really all we can hope for right in the life that
we are living and the love thatwe are giving.
I'm going to hold on to thatbecause I want the people in my
life and the people that I justmeet and come across to know
that, no matter what, they werecared for and they were loved

(27:43):
for exactly who they are in thislifetime, and I think that
that's all that any of usultimately want in the end is to
be cared for and loved forexactly who we are.
And I know from some of thethings that you've shared and
what I've read and we'll talkabout that that's been a real

(28:04):
journey for you as well, rebecca, having to come face to face
with this extraordinary, verytragic and very sudden loss.
So, if we go back to the daythat you got the news about
Jonathan and started yourjourney to Utah, what was

(28:27):
happening inside of you as youmade that trek back to Utah?

Speaker 3 (28:33):
I knew I wanted to go to the place where he died.
Back to Utah, I knew I wantedto go to the place where he died
.
I was not in a good placementally, like I just lost my
brother, and then me and mysiblings started fighting a bit
because before I left Missouri,my sister I love my sister she
did her absolute best withJonathan's funeral and like that
is something that no siblingshould ever have to do.

(28:53):
But she planned Jonathan'sfuneral funeral.
She got everything set up.
She was the go-between person,um, to make sure everything was
going to be set up.
But one thing that just happeneduh, it was an unopened comment,
like she was just in the momentand like trying to figure
things out and absolutelynothing against her for this but
she said that I probablywouldn't be able to speak at his

(29:13):
funeral because there wouldn'tbe enough time for me.
And that was something thatabsolutely hurt because looking
back I know it's not what shemeant, but in the moment what I
felt was that you are notimportant enough to Jonathan to
speak at his funeral to saygoodbye to him, essentially to
represent who he was, and thatwas just really devastating for

(29:34):
me.
So I was going out to Utah withthat in my head and then, the
farther out I got to Utah.
Another issue that I've hadwith everything that's happened
was my family is Mormon and I amnot, and Jonathan was not, and
they were planning a very Mormonfuneral and that was something
that I was clashing with,because I didn't agree with that
because Jonathan had left thechurch at that point, and with

(29:56):
because I didn't agree with thatbecause Jonathan had left the
church at that point.
Mormon funerals they're notreally funerals, they're more
like church services, and Ididn't think that was very
respectful to him.
My parents they thought it wasthe most respectful thing they
could do.
A clash of opinions and beliefsSure, well, that's what I was
kind of dealing with going outLike I just lost my brother and
then I was dealing with all thisreligious stuff that was
happening and.
I was dealing with, uh, like mybefore I left, my dad said to

(30:18):
all of us kids that we will seeJonathan again and that this
isn't forever, that we'll seehim in another lifetime, that
he's not gone forever.
And that was one thing thatjust like absolutely devastated
me, like when he said that Ijust I couldn't handle it.
I ran out of the the room andran down to the basement of this
house actually and just went toa bedroom and just locked the

(30:40):
door and cried, because it feltlike I was the outsider.
It felt like everyone else wasgrieving together, kind of, and
then I was grieving by myselfand it felt like I was the only
one actually grieving him,because then my parents were
saying that we were going to seehim again and I felt like I was
being left out of that andbecause there my parents were
saying that we were going to seehim again and I felt like I was
being looked out at that and itwasn't fair that I didn't get
to have that belief.
So that's what was goingthrough my head that I was alone

(31:01):
, that I was never going to seemy brother, that my person was
gone, that the person who caredabout me the most I could always
rely on was never going to bethere ever again.
So then, as I was driving out toUtah, I was in Colorado, close
to the Utah border.
And then, as I was driving outto Utah, I was in Colorado,
close to the Utah border, and Iwas just driving to Southern
Utah because that's where I knewthe general area was where it
happened, and I was just like,okay, someone's going to tell me
the place eventually.

(31:22):
And so my mom found out theplace and she called me and she
told me it was MoonscapeOverlook.
And in that moment my world wasshattered again, because
Moonscape Overlook was a placethat I told Jonathan he should
go to again.
Because moonscape overlook was aplace that I told Jonathan he
should go to, I told him thatbefore he left Utah to go to
Texas for his salesmanship gig,that he should go there because
it's super pretty.

(31:42):
And I discovered on my way outthere that I was the reason why
he was there and that heprobably wouldn't have been at
that place that day if itweren't for me and he probably
wouldn't have died if it wasn'tfor what I told him.
And so going out there, I justI was very angry, I was very

(32:02):
alone and I was very angry atmyself and I felt a lot of guilt
, and so that's kind of what wasgoing through my head as I was
traveling out there.

Speaker 1 (32:06):
That's a lot of weight to carry for a sister.
At the same time, I honor yourfeelings.
I honor your feelings because Ican imagine that it was hard to
realize that the place where hemisstepped was the place where
you encouraged him to go lookand see the world, and it wound

(32:31):
up being a very dark day and aday that changed everything.
So how did you take all ofthose feelings and get to that
spot where he was at?
Because some really beautifulthings happened to you and with

(32:51):
Jonathan once you finallyarrived at Moonscape Overlook.

Speaker 3 (32:57):
Yeah.
So when I got there, of courseI was feeling terrible, but I
drove down the road, called mydad.
He gave me the number of theguy who was with Jonathan.
He described the area where thespot was, and so I was able to
find it and he described whathappened.
So I had like a visual, lookingat the place while he's
describing it.
He described what happened.
So I had like a visual.
I was like looking at the placewhile he was describing it and
he described what happened.
So I knew kind of what happened.

(33:18):
And so I went to the spot wherethe exact spot where he fell,
and I sat there at the cliff andI sat on the edge.
While I was there I could notcry.
I sat on that ledge for aboutsix hours and I couldn't make
myself cry.
I had felt so many emotions inthe past day and I'm still
feeling all those emotions, butI just couldn't let them out and
like I couldn't process themreally.

(33:39):
And so I'm sitting on thatcliff.
I just didn't want to be in aworld without him and I could
not imagine living in a worldwithout Jonathan and I couldn't
imagine ever leaving that placeand going on with my life and I
didn't see how my life couldcontinue place and going on with
my life, and I didn't see howmy life could continue because
he was my person and he justwasn't there anymore and I just
couldn't comprehend that and Ididn't want to be in the world

(34:01):
without him.
So, sitting on that edge, I'vestruggled with suicidal ideation
in the past, growing up as likea teenager and stuff,
depression and stuff but in thatmoment I haven't talked about
this before either, so I don'treally know how to get it into
the right words.
Like I briefly mentioned it topeople just brushed over it like
oh yeah, I wanted to killmyself out at the edge.

(34:23):
I was planning on it, butsitting on the ledge, I was just
looking down and I just thoughtit would be.
It was the only option in thatmoment to follow them down and
kill myself there.
And I actually got pretty closeto doing it.
I was right on the edge with mylegs dangling off and as I was
sitting there, this, all of asudden it's so cliche and it's

(34:44):
like something out of a moviebut in that moment the crowds
parted and the sun came down onmy back and it felt like someone
was behind me hugging me and Ijust started crying.
After six hours I finally wasable to start crying and that
was kind of the release I neededand it gave me a bit of clarity

(35:05):
in that moment.
So I got off the edge and Ibacked off a little bit.
I had brought a journal andbefore I had been ready to jump
I had written down some thingsin the first few pages of the
journal like a goodbye note,pretty much just very short.
And so I picked up the journaland I ripped out the two pages
and just pulled them up andlater threw them away.
But I wrote in the journal alittle description of who

(35:28):
Jonathan was.
I wrote Jonathan Fielding, andthen his date of birth and his
date of death and a brother whowas too good for this world, a
friend who loved all just stufflike that.
And then at the end of it Iwrote a man who left a Grand
Canyon-sized mark on this worldwhen he left.
And then I just put the journaldown right where he fell and

(35:48):
got up and walked back to my carand drove to my grandparents'
house, and so that's whathappened out there on the edge.

Speaker 2 (36:09):
Wow, there's so much to your life summed up in those
moments and I can only imaginehow you felt in that place in
that moment, in that time,reflecting on your life and
Jonathan's life, and my hearthonestly breaks for the struggle
that you had to go through inthat moment and the questionings

(36:30):
and the anger and the fear andthe sadness and just all of the
things.
And at the same time, I'm sograteful that, as broken as your
heart was in that moment, thatwhen the clouds broke and that
sun peeked through, it's almostlike I just got this visual of

(36:55):
that sun just shining throughthe broken places in your own
heart and just filling them withlight and goodness and warmth
and security and all of thethings that you described and
that I picture.
When I feel about how thatsunshine feels on my back, it

(37:18):
does feel like a warm hug and Ijust love that you were given
exactly what you needed in thatmoment so that you could just
make a decision that ultimatelywill honor yourself and your
brother's life beyond anythingyou could have imagined in that

(37:41):
moment, because you made thatchoice and I'm just grateful
that you did.
Thank you for sharing thosereally tender moments with us.
I'm really deeply touched bythat.

Speaker 1 (38:32):
It truly does mean a lot to us, rebecca, that you
feel the safety in this space tohave a real vulnerable
conversation, and part of thatvulnerability is your personal
journey as a woman to even getto that point, and so I think a

(38:55):
little bit of background aboutyou know where you were at in
your life when you lost Jonathanwill really set the stage for
some of the extraordinary thingsthat have come since.
You sat on the edge of thatcliff, got the warm hug from the

(39:16):
sun and have turned thistragedy into some really
incredible triumph, not just inyour life, but in the lives of
other people too.

Speaker 3 (39:27):
Yeah, I was in a really, really good place when
it happened.
I was finally getting out of mydepression because I struggled
with it a lot as a teenager.
I had a job that I really loved.
I had horses.
At the time I had three horsesand as a kid, that's all I had
ever wanted.
And so, yeah, I had Joby,avicii and Huron, my three girls

(39:51):
.
I love them very much and wasstarting to travel um just in
2023.
That was when the first times Iactually had like my first real
traveling experiences.
I had gone on two trips thatyear.
The first time was in june.
I had gone down to the grandcanyon and then I had just
traveled to a bunch of nationalparks.
I slept in my car for a lot ofthe nights, just solo, traveled

(40:13):
throughout the united states,went up up to utah, then came
back home, then in novemberagain went out, again went and
saw jonathan out in emory countyutah, then just traveled around
the state, went to a bunch ofnational parks, had a great time
.
I had a tiktok that was doingreally well.
I did tiktoks with my horsesand I did like dark humor stuff.
That was not very, very popularfor a while and I had some

(40:34):
friends.
Like for the first time in mylife I had true friends and I
was just doing really good.
The time in January I had beenplanning on getting a Mustang
for my birthday in February andI had been planning on
completing the childhood dreamof getting a wild Mustang and
taming it and just riding offinto the sunset.
Essentially, everything waslooking so good, and one thing

(40:57):
that, again, it's so poetic,looking back, was about a week
or two before Jonathan died.
I had posted a TikTok where init I listed out all those good
things that were happening in mylife and I said at the end of
it life is good.
And then a week later, my worldwas completely shattered and I
think that's, in a way, verypoetic or foreshadowing, or

(41:19):
whatever.

Speaker 1 (41:21):
You had been in a horseback riding accident in
2022.
Is that correct?

Speaker 3 (41:27):
Yeah.
So in 2022, I was out riding myhorse with a friend on the
trails and we got attacked by aloose dog and in the chaos of
the dog coming after us, I cameoff and I was seriously hurt.
I had a severe internalbleeding and well bad internal
bleeding.
Um, my spleen was almost rippedin half.
I had a torn stomach, I had abroken wrist, I had a concussion

(41:50):
and I came pretty close todying.
So I had been taken to thehospital in the ambulance and my
parents were there and I wasjoking around with dying.
So I had been taken to thehospital in the ambulance and my
parents were there and I wasjoking around with them.
I was like oh, I could havedied.
And then my parents stepped outof the room for a minute to make
a call and when the doctor camein, the doctor was like, hey,
you really need to start takingthis seriously because there is
a good chance you could actuallydie from these injuries, and

(42:12):
that kind of just blew my mind.
I was like die from theseinjuries.
And that kind of just blew mymind.
I was like, oh shoot, I couldactually die from this.
Yeah.
So I was in the PCU for aboutfive days.
I made them discharge me earlybecause I didn't want to be in
the PCU anymore.
My parents were extremelyworried.
My mom told me later that shewas sitting up at night, worried
that I was bleeding out at myhouse because I was too stubborn

(42:32):
to stay in the hospital and ittook three weeks of bed rest
before I was able to get up andreally do things.
But a little funny thing too isthat about a week after I got
home I should not have done thisTerrible idea on my part, but I
could barely walk.
I had my broken wrist andeverything.
But I went out to the barn andI got my horse and I got my

(42:54):
saddle and I tried saddling myhorse Couldn't do it.
One of the other ladies at thebarn.
She saw me struggling so shehelped me saddle my horse
because she's like this girl'sgoing to get herself killed
because I'm still bleedinginternally, mind you, and so I
was terrified.
But I was like I'm getting onmy horse.
And I did.
I got on my horse, I walked heraround for a single lap, got
off, went home, felt like shit.

(43:15):
I was in so much pain, but Ijust needed to prove to myself
that I could do it and I did.

Speaker 1 (43:22):
Oh, it's probably so good for you emotionally too
right To get back on the horse.

Speaker 3 (43:28):
Yeah, literally get back on the horse.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
Yes, and Erin knows this.
I almost called you Lily.
Lily is my daughter and I callLily Aaron and Aaron Lily all
the time.
But Aaron knows this.
My husband and I and I'veshared with you are passionate
horse enthusiasts and lovers andso I love that you have your
wild horse.
You know one of the thingsabout horses and I loved that
part of your story and howpassionate you are about horses.
And I know that you bought andrebuilt and fixed up an old,

(44:02):
damaged Jeep and got intomechanical repair and would love
to hear how emotionally healingall of that was for you.
But horses are incredible inthe sense of their knowing and
their understanding by just alook in your eyes.

Speaker 3 (44:21):
Yeah, it is pretty magical Horses.
They can sense a lot of thingsabout humans, they can hear your
heartbeat and so they know whenyou're upset, they know when
you're angry.
So with my Mustang, I hadgotten her about two weeks after
jonathan died um, I wassupposed to get her for my
birthday pushed it back a weekand halter breaking her and
getting her tame.

(44:42):
I actually had a moment likeamy from heartland, amy fleming
from heartland you know this,the movies, the tv show, she's
this like magical horsewhisperer has all these
connections with horses.
But I was lunging brent, mymustang, in the round pen and I
was just.
I was feeling really angry andfrustrated because I had been
dealing with Jonathan's deathand I was just, couldn't really
process my emotions.

(45:02):
But I was lunging her and I wasupset because I couldn't get
her to do what I wanted, and soit was exactly like this moment
from the first season ofHeartland where.
Amy is lunging Spartan the horsebecause Amy's mom had died
getting that horse and Amy hadbeen with her and Amy had been
feeling all that guilt from hermom's death and she was angry
with this horse because thehorse just wanted to do what she

(45:23):
wanted and she couldn't connectwith the horse and so she was
lunging Spartan in the round penand she started yelling at him
and crying and had a release ofemotions and that's when they
had their joint up and that'swhen they connected and with
bren it was.
It was cinematic really, it was.
It happened almost the same way.
I had her in the arena in theround pen and I was lunging her

(45:43):
and I just started yelling ather uh, yelling at her about how
frustrated I was and why can'tyou just do this and why does
this have to be this way?
And then I just started cryingand eventually she came to a
stop and looked at me.
So I was just standing therecrying and then she walked over
to me and this was the firsttime she like really accepted my
touching, kind of just nuzzledme and I hugged her for the

(46:05):
first time and just cried intoher mane and it was again a
release of emotion that I needed, the same that I felt at Moon
overlook, when I thought thatsong me um and so in that moment
that was really healing for meand something that I just really
needed.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
It's a really, really special moment that you had and
I love that she held that spacefor you to release your
emotions and to be that strongpresence for you to just let go.

Speaker 3 (46:38):
Yeah, she was really what I needed and she's an
incredible voice and I love herso much and in a way I feel feel
like so I don't really believethat Jonathan's so open
necessarily in the sense that,oh, he's a ghost.
But if it wasn't for Jonathan,I would never have met this
horse and I wouldn't have healedin that way.
And I think that's one of thelast gifts Jonathan had for me

(47:01):
was setting my life on a pathwhere I could meet this horse,
and it feels like she was sentfrom the universal most to be
there for me was setting my lifeon a path where I could meet
this horse, and it feels likeshe was sent from the universal
most to be there for me when Ineeded her the most.
That's really special.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
That's incredible.
I would love to.
This might seem like a hardright turn, so Kelly will rein
me in if I need to be reined in,but it's so beautiful to hear
you talk about kind of who thathorse was in your life and
giving you that place to just beand cry and comfort you in that

(47:38):
way.
I am really fascinated by thisjournal, jonathan's journal, and
so I would really love to talk,if we can, about and I don't
know how we necessarily want totransition into that

(47:58):
conversation or if there'scertain things that we need to
talk about beforehand.
But you know we've shared somuch about Jonathan and who he
is and his impact on this worldwhen he was in it.
And then you did this reallybeautiful thing where you went

(48:19):
to that site and we've talkedabout the sun breaking through
the clouds and how life changedfor you in that moment and gave
you that clarity and strength toput one foot in front of the
other and keep moving forward.
But the journal then did itsown pivot and became something

(48:40):
different.
Can you talk us through thejourney of the actual journal
and I feel like it could almostbe its own episode, the journal
journey but I would love to justhear from you kind of what
happened next with that journaland give us a little bit of

(49:03):
insight into kind of where it'sbeen and some of the stories
that have come from it and howit even came to be yes.

Speaker 3 (49:12):
Yeah for sure.
So the journal.
My dad had given each of uskids a little journal at
Christmas time, which was thelast time we ever saw Jonathan.
Yeah, he gave us all a littlejournal and I just happened to
grab it on my way out the doorheading out to Utah after he
died, and so I had written thatlittle thing on the front of it
to basically describe whoJonathan was a little bit.

(49:33):
And then I just left it therebecause I was angry because
there was nothing there showingwhat happened.
I felt like my life was justtorn apart completely and there
was nothing to show for it.
There was nothing.
There were footprints in thedirt.
If you look close enough, youcould see where his body landed
in the dirt below.
But that was it.
And so I left the journal there, just because I wanted people

(49:54):
to know and I wanted my siblingswho were coming out later to
know where the spot was.
So I left it there and then Ijust didn't think about it at
all, went on with my life, uh,and then in april I went back to
the spot with my mom and thejournal.
I had gotten a little worn andI had seen that people had
written little notes in it withwritten notes to like jonathan,

(50:14):
being like I feel you here, I'msorry for your loss, I'm sorry
that you lost your life here.
Um, this world was beautifuland so it had gotten worn and so
I brought a second one out,just that I just happened to
have.
So I replaced it and wroteanother inscription of like what
happened there and I wroteJonathan's name and stuff.
Then a while later it was inJune or July, I think it was

(50:37):
closer to July, closer to Julyand August I had randomly gotten
a message on Facebook from alady named Cher Joy and she said
me and my friend found thisjournal.
It's not at Moon Overlookanymore, it's a ways away.
She sent me pictures of it andsent me things that people had
written in it, and it was justbeautiful things.

(50:57):
People had written some of thelike the most heartbreaking,
beautiful things I've ever readin my life.
And the first entry describedbeing like.
What happened was there was thisnomad who had been at moon
overlook and he had picked upthe journal thinking it was just
like something someone leftbehind and it wasn't supposed to
be there, and it wasn't untilhe got down the road a ways that
he opened it up and read it andrealized what it was, and so he

(51:20):
wrote down how he accidentallytook the journal and then wrote
a message in it, something alongthe lines of maybe Jonathan can
go on another journey or maybesomeone else can find this
journal and continue travelingwith it.
And they did.
People kept finding the journaland they kept writing in it and
it just kept traveling andtraveling until Sherry ended up

(51:41):
finding it and messaged me aboutit, and so I thought that was
super cool and so did she, andshe suggested making a Facebook
group so people could track thejournal and see where it's gone.
And so we did, and I made aTikTok about it, and the TikTok
ended up going viral and peoplestarted sharing his journey and
sharing messages of their owngrief and finding connection

(52:03):
with Jonathan after hearingabout what happened.
And then I was interviewed by alady from CNN about the journal
, and then it got even morepopularity and more people
started messaging me and joiningthe Facebook group and talking
about all the people they hadlost and talking about how they
were finding connection withJonathan and people in the
journal had been writing thingslike they had lost someone
beforehand and they never reallyprocessed the grief.
and finding that journal in sucha beautiful and people in the
journal had been writing thingslike they had lost someone

(52:25):
beforehand and they never reallyprocessed the grief.
And finding that journal insuch a beautiful place, it
allowed them to process theirgrief and feel things that they
hadn't been feeling for a longtime Lovely.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
Oh, that's so amazing .
So now I have to go and followthis and I'm so excited have to
go and follow this and I'm soexcited.

Speaker 1 (52:50):
What do you know about?

Speaker 3 (52:52):
the journal's location and travels now.
So after Sherry messaged me andafter the journal went viral I
know I got moved a couple ofmore times People had messaged
me about it and when I was inYellowstone.
So this is going to get into adepressing bit, if that's okay,
and a little bit of family drama.
I'm not going to go into thefamily drama.
That just like gives a veryshort description of how I was
feeling at the time and justminor things that were going on.

(53:14):
So I was in Yellowstone at thetime and I got this message from
someone saying hey, I foundthis journal.
Let's ask this location.
Like.
They gave me the exact locationof where it was and it was kind
of far away from anywhere.
It was far away from any majorroads, it was in the back
country of utah and I wasfamiliar with the area.
So I was like, okay, I'll justgo down there and I'll get the

(53:34):
journal and I'll take it to amore populated place so more
people can find it and move itand so won't get lost.
And as I was heading out thereI was about halfway between
yellowstone and utah Idiscovered that someone in my
family was not happy with thecnn article um.
I found out that actuallyeveryone in my family was upset
about the journal and thearticle and the story that I was

(53:57):
sharing, and so one of myfamily members had posted some
things and they were just prettyawful.
This person was in a very badplace mentally and in a lot of
pain, and I ended up being theoutlet for that pain, as
unfortunate as it was, and so Iwas extremely distressed about
that, and so I ended up beinglike nothing matters again,
feeling completely terrible, andso I abandoned my quest to go

(54:19):
and find the journal again and Idrove back to Missouri.
In the weeks following, therewas a lot of rain out there in
Utah and there was a lot offlash flooding and the journal
had been left at a campsite nextto a river and the journal was
gone.
The flooding had taken it away.
But ultimately I think that'sfor the best.

(54:40):
I think it's a good thing thatI didn't move the journal Before
Jonathan died.
He had talked about how he, whenhe died, he wanted to become a
river and in a way, that journalbecame an extension of him, an
extra part of him In a way.
I think that was the endingthat he deserved to be taken

(55:00):
down the river and float out tothe wilderness, out to the place
that he loved, and essentiallybe buried by the elements,
because jonathan was buried outhere in missouri, um, and he was
buried in a vault, a metalvault, and so his body will
never return to the earth likehe would have liked it to.
He was a very just like,energetic person.

(55:21):
He loved being outdoors, heloved seeing new places and in
this he got the burial that hedeserved.

Speaker 1 (55:28):
Well, I think that's really poignant, you know.
I think that the way that youtalk about Jonathan's life and
living and the things that hewas so passionate about his love
for nature and photography, andwater right and to become a
river ultimately at the end ofhis life, which was his wish is

(55:51):
really just a beautiful way, Ifeel, for his memory to continue
to flow through you and throughall of the people who knew and
loved him so much and throughall of the people who knew and
loved him so much.

Speaker 3 (56:06):
Yeah, and there's this other thing that also goes
into it Jonathan's favorite bandwas Lord Huron and one of his
favorite songs that it's myfavorite song.
I had a tattoo on me, actuallyTo the end of the earth, the end
of the song.
It says I'm on a river thatwinds on forever.
Follow till I get where I'mgoing.
Maybe I'm heading to die, butI'm still going to try.
I guess I'm going alone.

(56:26):
I think that is just such anincredible parallel between the
two that Jonathan got to traveldown the river and he's going
down that river forever and he'sjust on this long journey that
will never end.
And thanks to all the peoplewho have heard about his story
and have felt that connection tohim, they're continuing his

(56:48):
journey down that river andthey're continuing to keep him
alive and keep him going intheir hearts and just in that
way he's never going to actuallydie and as long as we keep his
memory alive, his journey willnever end.

Speaker 1 (57:03):
No, it will not.
I know, too, that one of thethings that Jonathan absolutely

(57:45):
loved in his life wasphotography, and that you still
have the pictures that he tookthe day of his passing on his
original photography website.
I've looked at them.
They're absolutely beautiful,and his eye for photography is

(58:06):
really something, and mydaughter is a photographer, and
so I know how meaningful andvaluable and important
photographs are for capturingthe essence of all life, whether
that's human life or thenatural world, and I know that

(58:26):
you took up photography afterJonathan passed and that's been
very healing for you as wellyeah.

Speaker 3 (58:34):
So back in December I got my camera my first camera,
after a whole bunch of peoplehad encouraged me, because I'm
always in these pretty places.
They're like just get a cameraso you can get good pictures of
it.
So I did and I've startedtaking pictures with it.
I've been hired a couple oftimes now.
I mostly do horses.
I've traveled a lot and I havetaken some pretty cool pictures
of all the places I've been andin a way, I get to keep his

(58:58):
memory alive.
And Jonathan's name of hisphotography business was Through
Johnny's Eyes, and he lovedthis concept of Johnny's Eyes.
He just had this idea that itwas going to be bigger than just
him, it was going to be biggerthan just his eyes and that his
business was going to grow andit would turn into like this art
of storytelling and that he'dsomeday tell a story that would

(59:20):
change the lives of millions ofpeople.
He wrote this down in hisjournal on his phone that we
only got to read, finally, indecember, almost exactly a year
after us on, but anyways, um.
So he had the concept ofjohnny's eyes, that it was
bigger than him, and so Idecided to name my photography
business through johnny's eyes,because that's how I'm seeing
the brave.
Now, every single photo I takeit's through jonathan's eyes and

(59:43):
it it's for Jonathan andcontinuing his legacy and what
he loved and just going out andseeing all the beautiful things
in the world and trying to findthe same joy in life that he did
.

Speaker 2 (59:55):
That's so incredible, Rebecca.
I'm just like grinning ear toear hearing you talk about this.
That is the most perfect name.
I love that you have continuedit.
It's such a beautiful mindsetfor you to have and for you to
choose to see the world howJonathan saw the world.

(01:00:17):
It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 (01:00:20):
So did you take your camera on your big jump and are
you open to sharing with usabout your healing jump, that
that was a really big moment foryou?

Speaker 3 (01:00:32):
Yeah for sure.
So the jump that you're talkingabout Rope Swing Moab is the
company that does it.
They are a company located inthe lab.
As the name says, it is a 400foot vertical drop.
They have these ropes that theyplace over the cliff and you
just jump off of it and youplummet about 200 feet before

(01:00:54):
the rope catches you and youswing over the canyon.
It's all the power.
It's not like a bungee board,there's nothing that drops out
underneath your feet.
You have to physically step offthat cliff, and so I recently
was on a three week trip out tothe pacific northwest and, due
to a complete random set ofcircumstances, I ended up going
through utah to get out thereand I was like, hey, I'm in the

(01:01:16):
area I could go do this jumpthat I heard about, and so I
managed to get last minute spotand I went there and um it was.
It was the most incredible thingI've ever done in my life.
I've done a lot of cool things,in my opinion, but this takes
the cake Forcing yourself offthe cliff.
It goes against every singleinstinct you have, like every

(01:01:36):
part of your body is telling youdo not step off this cliff.
I'm not scared of heights.
Even after Jonathan died, I hadno problem being on cliff edges
.
I freaked my mom out quite abit because I would constantly
be on cliffs while traveling,even after it happened.
But being on that cliff, it waslike time sped up.
I wasn't ready for it at all.
I was freaking out, couldbarely breathe, so I got up to

(01:01:59):
the edge.
They got me all harnessed in andI was standing there and the
people who were with me that daywere absolutely incredible.
They one of the ladies came upcause I described what had
happened and why I was therethat day, and she came up and
said how can we support youtoday and how do you want us to
get help you get off the cliff?
And so ultimately came up withthey would count down five, four
, three, two, one, and then theywould say go, johnny.

(01:02:21):
And I would jump off and theysaid go Johnny, cause Johnny was
Johnson's nickname.
And so they did.
And time sped up and all of asudden I was stepping off that
cliff and it was the mosthorrible thing I've ever done.
It was a terrible sensation.
I don't know how to step offthat cliff.
It felt like something justkind of pushed me.

(01:02:41):
No one pushed me, but it kindof did I.
So I stepped off and time justfroze and for half a second I
was like holy crap, I did it, um, and then I started plummeting
again another sensation I'llnever be able to fully describe,
but in that moment nothing elsereally mattered, it was just me
.
In that drive I finally swungout over the canyon and then I

(01:03:02):
just started swinging around andI yelled go Jonathan.
And then, while I was swinging,I said I miss you so much and I
just started crying.
And I was just swinging overthe canyon, I was thinking about
Jonathan, thinking about howmuch I missed him and how much I
wish he was there with me,crying while dangling from a
rope 200 feet above the ground.

(01:03:23):
It's a different kind ofhealing.
Um, I think I processed a lotof things I hadn't processed
before in that moment.
The reason why I did that jumpwas I wanted to understand what
exactly happened with jonathan,like I wanted to know how he
felt when he was falling, whichsome people probably want to
understand.
But for me, it was a closurethat I needed to have.
I needed to understand and I Idid.
And it was a closure that Ineeded to have.

(01:03:44):
I needed to understand and Idid, and it was an incredible
experience.

Speaker 1 (01:03:49):
It sounds like there was a piece of Jonathan that was
with you and a piece of yourhealing journey that needed to
have that closure for you tomove on to what's next.
Closure for you to move on towhat's next.
I love that you were open tosharing about that because I

(01:04:10):
think for a lot of people wholose a loved one, no matter how
they lose them and there's a lotof loss just in life and living
, and we talk about that a loton this podcast that you know,
death isn't the only type ofloss that we experience through
our living.
You lost not only your brother,but your best friend and kind

(01:04:34):
of the stronghold in your familyas well, is what I've heard.
You know he was the goldenretriever, energy and the glue
that kind of stuck everybodytogether, and you've been on, as
you've expressed, quite ajourney over the past almost a
year and a half and it soundslike that particular moment was

(01:04:57):
a moment that kind of allowedyou to step off and step forward
to whatever is next for Rebecca.

Speaker 3 (01:05:07):
Yeah, I feel like in that moment I realized that I
really can't do anything andthat everything is just up from
here, that, no matter whathappens, things will never be as
bad as they were.
One thing that I've learnedit's okay if I go back and talk
more about the journal and howit affects from it and other
people.
Okay, so after the journal,like I said, I was having issues

(01:05:33):
with my family and I felt veryalone and so I actually didn't
really feel a lot of the effectsfrom, like the good effects
from people talking about it andthe goodness that came from it,
because a lot of people arelike, oh my goodness, this is an
amazing thing, this has reallyhelped me, and I kind of the
goodness that came from it,because a lot of people are like
, oh my goodness, this is anamazing thing, this has really
helped me, and I kind ofdistanced myself emotionally
from it.
I couldn't really feel the joyfrom it.
I didn't feel any of thegoodness.
It wasn't really a good thingfor me for a while because of

(01:05:55):
how my family was feeling aboutit.
And as the months went on, myfamily and me started running
into people randomly, like onthe street, just doing random
things, like at the grocerystore and meeting people who had
heard about Jonathan's journal,and, like through sheer
coincidence, I started talkingand they're like, oh my goodness
, that was your son, that wasyour brother just talking about
how much the story could havehelped them emotionally and just

(01:06:18):
how touched they were by it.
The time that I finally startedrealizing what a good thing it
was was October of last year.
I had gone on a trip out to Utahagain and I had been up to
Dinosaur National Monument and,by sheer coincidence, I was at
the visitor center and there wasa problem with the register and
so I set my keys down on thecounter and on my keychain was a

(01:06:39):
picture of Jonathan and someonesaw the picture and asked me
about it and I was like, oh,that's my brother.
He died in Utah last year.
He fell with and one of therangers in the back heard it and
came forward and she was like Iheard that about your brother.
I heard the story and it justtouched me so much and my own
mom died three months ago andthe story of Jonathan really

(01:07:00):
helped me get through that and Ijust finally was able to start
seeing the good that came fromit and realizing that this was a
good thing, and realizing thatthis is exactly how Jonathan
would want his memory tocontinue to go on, that he,
above all else, he wantssomething good to come from his
death, and I think a lot of goodhas come from his staff.

Speaker 2 (01:07:24):
And that's a hard reality sometimes to talk about.
Kelly and I have hadconversations about the exact
thing, and unless somebody'sexperienced some kind of loss at
that level, that's hard todescribe.
It's a hard thing to put intowords for somebody who hasn't

(01:07:45):
experienced that, but I canrelate to that.
That resonates with me.
I can find myself being verygrateful for the 17 years I had
with my mom before she died anda certain number of years with a
friend or another family member.
You know, whatever it is whereit doesn't matter how much time

(01:08:10):
we get with somebody, it's neverenough time with the people
that we love, right?
And so I know you wish youwould have had Jonathan for a
whole lot longer than you did.
His young life was cut veryshort, but it is important to
find the gratitude in their lifeand to continue to remember

(01:08:34):
that after they're gone.

Speaker 1 (01:08:37):
Rebecca, as we come to the end of our conversation,
which could go on for hours, andthere's so many things that we
could talk about, but as we cometo the end of our conversation
today, is there anything thatyou wish people understood about
grief, and even aboutnavigating grief with honoring

(01:09:02):
your own emotional or mentalhealth challenges?
Because you've been very openand honest about that, which we
really appreciate.

Speaker 3 (01:09:11):
So grief is something that you have to experience to
know what it is really, andeveryone's going to experience
it differently.
And, going into grief, you havethese expectations because
there's all this media andportrayals of how grief affects
someone and how it should affectyou and how you should deal
with it, but there is no rightor wrong answer to any of it and

(01:09:33):
grief isn't linear.
There's people who will talkabout the stages of grief, but
they will not happenconsecutively.
They will not happen how youexpect them to.
There will be a lot of emotionsthat you think you're dealing
with but you aren't, and therewill be emotions that express
themselves in other ways.
For one example, anger.
That has been a really big onewith me personally.

(01:09:54):
For a long time.
I was really angry about whathappened, but I couldn't be
angry at Jonathan, and so I putthat anger into other things and
past traumas and past issues inmy life and they didn't express
themselves very well and Ididn't express my anger very
well, and it took me a reallylong time to get to the bottom
of those feelings and realizingthat it was okay to be angry at

(01:10:15):
jonathan and it was okay to beangry about the situation and it
was okay to be angry, just tobe angry about it, and so I
think anger is a very importantpart of grief and, again, it's
never going to present itselfhow you expect it to.
I think the best advice I cangive people is to just

(01:10:35):
experience it to the fullest.
Don't try to tap down theemotions.
I highly recommend finding atherapist to help deal with it,
because it's extremelycomplicated and no one is
prepared.
Help deal with it, because it'sextremely complicated and no
one is prepared to deal with it,and having someone to help me
with it made a world of adifference for me.

Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
Love that.
I do too.
I absolutely love that.
What brings you the most peaceand joy today as you reflect on
your life with Jonathan and hislife, and looking ahead to the
future?

Speaker 3 (01:11:11):
Things that bring me peace with it is just knowing
that Jonathan lived such a goodlife.
He was only here for a shortamount of time, but in that time
he was just so alive, and Ithink that is a very good
example that he set for all ofus, and that is how I want to
continue to live my life.
I want to live every day likeit's my last which is cliche to

(01:11:32):
say, but it's so true and I justwant to experience life to the
fullest and if that means fullyexperiencing all those terrible
emotions, then I will gladly doit.
I will never stop missingJonathan and I will never stop
being sad about what happenedand I wish it had never happened

(01:11:53):
.
But I am grateful for the waythat everything happened and I
am grateful for who I've becomeas a person and how my feelings
and my grief and my journey hasshaped who I am, and I'm
grateful for the path that itset me on and that I get to
continue to live and see thisbeautiful world and see all
these beautiful places andexperience all these amazing

(01:12:13):
things.

Speaker 2 (01:12:15):
And that you get to do it now, through Johnny's eyes
, right With your photographybusiness.
I love that so much, yourphotography business.
I love that so much.
Rebecca.
How can we and our listenerscontinue to stay connected to
you and to this story ofJonathan's now that you know the

(01:12:37):
journal has gone on the journeythat it has, but with your
budding photography business, isthat something that you're
making public?
Are you going to continue tohave a presence within the
Facebook group or TikTok?

Speaker 3 (01:12:55):
I would like to.
My photography will be publicon Facebook and people are free
to follow me there and free tofollow my TikTok, because I do
occasionally post things.
But I've gotten enoughattention from Jonathan's staff
and this is way more than me.
It's everyone everyone who'sheard about his journey and
journal and I think the best wayto stay connected with Jonathan

(01:13:17):
and his story is to just keepon living life for him and
remembering him and going out ofyour way to do good things for
other people.
I think that is the best way toshare love for him, if that
makes any sense.

Speaker 2 (01:13:31):
It makes perfect sense and it's beautiful and
admirable, and I am gratefulthat we get to play a small role
in continuing Jonathan's legacy.
So thank you for sharing somuch of yourself and for sharing

(01:13:51):
so much of Jonathan with us.
It's a true beauty from ashestype of story, right when it's
just we're never prepared to saygoodbye to the ones that we
love.
But you have continued to buildand create a really beautiful

(01:14:11):
legacy in Jonathan's honor and Iknow that he would be so
incredibly proud of you and howyou've chosen to live your life
and how you've chosen toremember and honor him.
And so I see it.
I know that Kelly sees it and Iknow that our listeners will
see and hear about it, but I'mreally proud of you and I'm

(01:14:34):
really grateful for your trustin us with your story today.

Speaker 3 (01:14:39):
I am just so thankful that you guys reached out, that
I was able to share this withyou guys and I've loved
listening to your podcast.
The past week I've listened toit and it's it's been really
good listening to you guys andI've learned a lot and I felt
like I've really connected withyou two in your story as well.

Speaker 1 (01:14:56):
Well, thank you.
That means the world to us.
We really really appreciatethat.
So, because you've listened,you know what's coming.
We do ask all of our guests ifthey have a unique or similar
PIG, because you've heard thestory about how we named the

(01:15:18):
podcast, what we did, it's notthe pig, it's the PIG, but it's
in honor of our pigs, becauseour mom collected them.
But our mission and purpose,intention and gratitude for not
only all the guests that we haveon, but all the people who have
made such an impact on ourlives and even allowed this

(01:15:41):
journey to be possible,including our mom.
So if you have a PIG, we'd loveto hear it.

Speaker 3 (01:15:48):
Yeah, so my PIG is to see the world through
Jonathan's eyes and experienceall the things you never got to
do.
It's a beautiful world we livein and I am the luckiest person
on the planet because I get tosee it.
Wow, thank you, rebecca, forsharing again.

Speaker 2 (01:16:01):
Wow.
Thank you, rebecca, for sharingagain so much of yourself and
your brother and your story.
We appreciate it.
We're grateful for you.

Speaker 3 (01:16:15):
Again, I am very grateful that you guys had me on
here and took the time to talkto me.
I was able to talk about thingsI've never really put into
words before, so that was reallygood for me, thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:16:21):
That's really beautiful.

Speaker 1 (01:16:22):
Exactly See, it was all meant to be Well, rebecca,
please stay in close touch andwe'll put the links to TikTok,
to Jonathan's journal Journeyand also Jonathan's website in
our show notes, and we hope tohave you back again and we would
really love to keep thisconversation going and growing.

(01:16:45):
Absolutely, I look forward toit.
That sounds awesome.

(01:17:06):
Hearing the stories of othershelps us create a more
meaningful connection to our own.
We hope today's conversationoffered you insight,
encouragement or even just amoment to pause and reflect on
the story you're living and thelegacy you're creating.

Speaker 2 (01:17:27):
If something in this episode moved you, please
consider sharing it with someoneyou love.
A small share can make a bigimpact.

Speaker 1 (01:17:33):
You can also join us on Instagram, facebook or
LinkedIn and connect further atthepigpodcastcom, and if you're
enjoying this podcast, one ofthe most meaningful ways you can
support us is by leaving afive-star rating, writing a
short review or simply lettingus know your thoughts.
Your feedback helps us reachothers and reminds us why we do

(01:17:55):
this work, because the PIG isn'tjust a podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:17:59):
It's a place to remember that, even in the midst
of grief, life goes on.
Resilience matters and lovenever leaves.
Thanks for being on thisjourney with us, until next time
.
Hogs and kisses everyone.