4 Ways to Handle Hurtful Letters from Your Adult Child

Opening a hurtful message from your adult child can feel like an emotional earthquake. The shock, the pain, the confusion—it’s overwhelming. But before you respond, defend yourself, or spiral into guilt, this video will help you take a breath and ground yourself.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through what to do first: how to regulate your emotions, discern whether a response is even needed, and avoid the common mistakes that can make things worse.

💔 If you’re holding onto a letter that broke your heart, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself.

🌿 Join us at the RISE Retreat this October 10th and 11th in Florida, where we’ll dive deeper into these painful conversations, learn how to protect our peace, and finally experience the healing support you’ve been craving.
👉  https://www.sally-harris.com/rise-2025

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
So you open your phone andthere it is, the message or the
letter from your adult child.
Maybe it's blaming you, accusingyou, or even lashing out.
And what happens then is yourchest is tightening, right?
Your stomach drops.
And so what do you do?
Now I promise you, this is notthe time or the moment to respond.

(00:23):
This is the moment to breathe.
And in this video I wannawalk you through exactly.
four things you need to do firstto survive the emotional shock
wave of this note or letter withgrace, clarity, and strength.

(00:43):
Number one, always has to start withemotional regulation of yourself, and
sometimes that's the hardest, right?
But surviving that first moment,the first impact you could call it.
That moment when you read somethingthat triggers deep, deep pain within
yourself and your nervous systemreacts, You go into fight or flight and

(01:08):
you're not even sure what to do next.
the urge is gonna be torespond immediately and
probably to defend yourself.
Or maybe you're falling intoshame or panic, but I want you
to stop all of that for a moment.
I want you to ground yourself.
You need to get out of thatfight or flight moment.
You remember the old saying,stop, drop and roll in a fire.

(01:33):
I like to say, stop, breathe,and move because you need
to stop what you're doing.
Whatever you're doing, I need you tostop and I don't want you to respond.
I want you to breathe and thenI want you to move your body.
Get outside wherever you currentlyare at, where you read that note.
If you're in your office, at work,wherever you are, I want you to move

(01:55):
out from that particular place if you'reable to get outside and walk, go for a
walk, go outside, walk around your house,whatever you need to do you need to just
breathe, you need to calm down becausethis is not about resolution right now.
This is about regulation of yourself,and that is by far number one.
You may think, well, what then?

(02:18):
Well, number two is discernment.
want you to think about should youeven respond, And this doesn't mean
forever, but I mean in this moment, ata minimum, I recommend at least one to
two days before you respond to a heatedmessage, something that is out of the
blue and really has taken you sideways.

(02:38):
I want you to think about it.
I want you to journal.
Is there a sincere desire to connect?
So is your son or daughter truly tryingto connect with you in this message?
Or is it just hate?
Is it blame and bitterness?
And what are you hopingwill happen if you respond?
So I want you to think about these things.

(02:59):
What do you fear willhappen if you don't respond?
And do you have any proof that it will.
Some of you respond outta fear that, ohmy gosh, if I don't respond right away,
they're gonna be even more angry with me.
But you want to be very thoughtfulin a response, which is why it
should never happen immediately.
if that message was abusive,or manipulative, you do
not have to engage in that.

(03:21):
remember that we talk about boundariesa lot, and silence is a boundary.
It's not abandonment, but it's a boundary.
It's that you're notgonna participate in that.
What you could do is if you're feelinglike, you know what, there is a
sliver of humility, or maybe they areasking a question that could be an
opening, maybe in a new relationshipwith them, but take your time.

(03:41):
So if you're that mom sitting herewatching this, and you're kind of in
that in between, you're hurting, you'reunsure what to do, you're afraid to make
it worse, you know you're not alone.
I would like to welcome you to theRise retreat this October where we're
gonna dedicate real time to this exactkind of pain, I want you to know that
you can hold onto your peace all thewhile your child is pushing you away.

(04:06):
And so how you respond ornot respond, takes wisdom.
for the first time ever, my daughterwill be joining us at this retreat and
we're gonna be doing a live q and awith her, in addition to other guests.
And we're gonna have a lot of fun.
There might be sometears, but you know what?
These moms, those of you moms thathave ever come to my retreats, it

(04:26):
is the most beautiful weekend andit's going to give you strength.
To move forward in this storm, right?
all the details are below in theshow notes, and if you have any
questions, you can email us atthe email address below as well.
Number three is common mistakes to avoid.
The biggest thing, like I mentionedearlier, is responding too fast.

(04:48):
We don't wanna do that, Becausethen your emotions are the one
controlling everything, not yourwisdom, So if you feel like you have
to try and explain everything, thatis not going to be helpful at all.
It's going to make you sound moredefensive or even dismissive You
could be guilt tripping and not evenrealizing it, and that fuels shame

(05:09):
and will push them further away.
So we don't want you tofeel depleted or resentful.
we need to navigate this very carefully.
remember, this is not about being perfect.
it's about being present and safewithin yourself and knowing that just
because they reach out doesn't meanyou need to fast and hard response.

(05:30):
One thing that a lot of moms do also is,as long as it's not a heated message.
But you're still not sure how to respond.
You could acknowledge it.
You could acknowledge and say, I receivedyour text, or I received your email.
I will be responding soon.
You know, something realsimple, loving like that.
Um, but lastly number four is, youdon't have to carry this alone.

(05:51):
This is.
Not a time to think about,oh, I made these mistakes.
My child is hurting, sotherefore I don't deserve peace.
That's just not factual.
And so you have to protectyour own heart in this.
so just remember community.
will build emotional resilience in you.
We don't have to chase thevalidation of what they say.

(06:14):
I do want you to consider also moredetail on how to respond is going
to be in my next video this week.
So stay tuned for that one.
And I hope that helps you today.
If you are that mom that has that emailor text that is heated and you're just
not sure what to do or how to respond.
I hope this video helped you and thatyou, my friend, just need to pause.

(06:34):
You really need to take a pauseand get your own emotions in
check before you say anything.
So we'll see you in the next video.
God bless.