Break Free from TOXIC Relationship Cycles with Adult Children

Are you stuck in a painful cycle with your adult child that leaves you feeling confused, hurt, or rejected? You’re not alone—and you’re not imagining it. In this video, I walk you through 5 of the most common emotional “crazy cycles” moms face in strained or estranged relationships with their adult children. Whether it's silence, guilt, defensiveness, or that constant hope-disappointment spiral, these patterns can leave you feeling powerless. But here's the truth: someone has to stop the cycle—and it can be you.

If you’re ready to break free, heal emotionally, and respond with strength and peace instead of pain, this video is for you.

READY TO TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP? Book a discovery call for a consultation.👇 Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Have you ever thought, whydoes this keep happening?
One minute, you're holding ontosome hope, and then the next
minute you're stuck in silence ormaybe walking on eggshells again.
Here's the truth.
Many moms that I work with are unknowinglytrapped in these emotional cycles that
keep them stuck in pain and confusion.
Sound familiar?

(00:21):
But it really does only take one shift.
It takes one decisionto respond differently.
That could change everything.
Let's talk about the five mostcommon crazy cycles that moms
face with their adult children andhow you can break free from that.
Let's dive in.

(00:42):
The first is the guiltdefensiveness cycle.
So if you feel guilty, right, you'refeeling guilty over something, you
over text, you over apologize, oryou try to fix things so fast that
nobody's had time to process it.
Your child pulls away or accusesyou of being manipulative, right?
Maybe you send a thoughtfulmessage to them, but they snap

(01:07):
back and so what do you do?
You immediately say, I'm sorry,I didn't mean it that way, even
when you did nothing wrong.
So this is the guilt defensiveness cycle.
Does that ring a bell for you?
Some things that you could do, ifthat is you, is I want you to start
figuring out what your mom guilt is.
Start journaling, startmaking, taking notes.

(01:28):
You need to explore the root of yourguilt, like peeling back that onion.
Is it real or is it shame talking, Is itthe enemy getting in your ear, or is this
reality because there's a big difference?
So you also need to ask yourself ifyou're reacting from peace or panic,
So I want you to keep in mind that yourguilt will never serve the relationship.

(01:54):
Your guilt will never serve therelationship with your adult child, but
your healing will, healing your guilt willserve the relationship moving forward.
So to me, that is a huge, hugemindset shift for a lot of you.
Number two is the silence assumption.
So that is where your son or yourdaughter, they stop responding, and

(02:16):
then you spend days in the backgroundspiraling, imagining what you did wrong.
And we start making assumptionsbecause they're silence.
So you assume their silence meansrejection, but what if they're just
overwhelmed, busy, or unsure how to talk?
Maybe there is some issues inyour relationship, but they're not

(02:36):
really sure how to bring it up soit's easier for them in the moment
to just kind of take a step back.
But in the meantime, you arespiraling out of control.
You need to ground yourself in facts.
Ground yourself in facts.
What do you know for sure.
What could I be assuming?
You know, one message that I thinkis always good that you could send to

(03:00):
your child is one with no pressure.
You know what?
I'm here if and when you're ready.
No pressure.
I love you, period.
Don't send a note telling themeverything you did wrong, apologizing
for things that you did and didn't do.
That's not the time for that.
It needs to be very simple.

(03:22):
Very simple.
'cause there's silence for a reason,and we don't want the silence to
go on any longer than it needs to.
But you also have to remember that theirsilence does not define your worth.
Your clarity has to belarger than your control.
So if that is you, if you're in oneof these five cycles and you need some
help navigating this, if you're stuck insilence or guilt or constant confusion.

(03:48):
I do offer a 30 minute discoverycall for moms just like you.
It is not a coaching call.
It's a safe space.
We can explore options on how Imight be able to help you, different
coaching options that I have.
So when you are ready to start consideringthat, yes, I've been doing this by
myself for way too long, whether it'sbeen a day or a year or five years.

(04:11):
You need to discover what couldfit you in this season, and you
and I would would do that together.
So if that's interest to you, feelfree to click out the discovery.
Feel free to click the discoverycall link below in the show notes.
Let's explore the other three here.
The third one is the trigger reaction.

(04:31):
I call it like a ping pong.
Think about a thing, a pingpong ball going back and forth.
So for example, yousay something innocent.
They blow up and then you react.
That is a, that is a truedefinition of a crazy cycle, right?
They criticize you and instead of pausing,

(04:52):
you fire back with a sarcasticcomment or maybe a past hurt.
So you need to identifywhat your triggers are.
Is it their tone?
Is it disrespect?
Is it coldness or is it you?
Is it you making assumptionsfrom your own past hurts?
Which is so important,why we all need to heal.

(05:13):
You know, you could even saysomething like, I hear you.
Let's come back and talklater when we're both calmer.
And if they don't like that, that's okay,but you need to take the high road and
don't speak to them unless you're calm.
So your power comes fromcalm, not your silence, right?

(05:36):
Not.
I'm not gonna talk to themuntil they wanna talk to me.
And I know that's how a lot of you are.
That's how you're reacting right now.
For those of you watchingthis, you saw me fold my arms.
'cause we sit there and we getresentful and then we're silent.
Well, I'm gonna wait andjust let them call me.

(05:57):
And, and not to say thatsometimes that's not a, a smart
move depending on what happened.
But some of you are getting, feelingrejected and then you go, go into silence.
Which is not serving either of you.
Number four is thepleasing resentment trap.
So you say yes to everything, evenwhen it hurts, just to keep the peace.

(06:20):
You're Yes, mom, yes, yes, yes.
You know, if you're dropping everythingto help, you're sending constant
money, or maybe if you're sayingnothing when they're rude and then
you secretly go home and you'refeeling hurt, used or resentful, why
do you suppose you're doing that?
You wanna be pleasing, but then yougo home and you resent them for it.

(06:42):
So this is whereboundaries are so important
because you need to be able to honoryourself in the process, you know?
And like I always say, whenyou have two healthy people,
boundaries work really, really well.
And if you have, if you're gonnarelationship with your child who
needs some healing yet, that's okay.

(07:03):
But you still do theboundary for yourself.
You can just speak yourtruth kindly, right?
So just remember, love is honest.
It's not perfect.
We're not gonna be perfect,but you need to be honest.
Number five is the hopedisappointment spiral.

(07:24):
You know, let's say they textyou for the first time in weeks,
and then you get your hopes up.
Well, of course you are right.
Of course.
You get your hopes up onlyto hear nothing again.
So let's say they invite you to a birthdayor an event or something, and you feel
so elated, then they cancel or go cold.
What are you supposed to do?

(07:45):
You know, you have to set hope,standards, hope, goals, that
has nothing to do with them.
You need to focus on your health, yourfaith, your purpose, your joy, and remind
yourself, even if this is just a moment,I can still enjoy it without expectations.
We don't know.
How long this is gonna take, butsometimes they're testing us and

(08:08):
remember that your hope is allowed,but you have to protect your peace.
So I hope that you can find yourselfin one or more of those cycles.
Sometimes we're in in multiple cycles,but just remember someone has to stop it.
Someone has to stop the cycle andthat someone can be you, not because
you're giving up, but because you'regrowing up emotionally in a way that

(08:30):
can lead to healing and no more hurt.
You don't have to keep spinning.
And when you have clarity and youhave this courage, you can break this
cycle, protect your peace, and you'regonna take your life back and they are
ultimately going to respect you for that.
You may not think so right now, butfast forward, they really are gonna
respect you for that and your strengthand how you have navigated your own

(08:54):
hurts and navigated your own strongholdsand issues, maybe addictions or.
Handled, uh, other relationshipsin a healthier way, put up some
boundaries and protected yourself.
Use this waiting timethat you are in right now.
Use this for your ownhealing and your own growth.

(09:15):
And then just watch andsee what God's gonna do.
'cause it's gonna be good.
So I hope that helps you today.
I'll see you in the next episode.
God bless.