Dealing with Manipulative Adult Children, STOP the Guilt Trips!

Are you struggling with guilt trips and emotional manipulation from your adult child? You’re not alone. In this powerful episode, coach Sally Harris shares how to recognize manipulation, set healthy boundaries, and stop feeling guilty for protecting your peace.

Whether you’re a mom or a grandparent facing estrangement, emotional blackmail, or disrespect, this message is for you. Learn practical, faith-based strategies to break free from false guilt, reframe your thinking, and find strength again—even in the middle of heartbreak.

READY TO TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP? Book a discovery call for a consultation.👇 Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min

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WEBSITE | https://www.sally-harris.com 

 

 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Have you ever been made to feel guiltyfor choosing what's best for you?
Maybe your adult son or daughteraccuses you of not caring.
Maybe they twist your wordsor bring up the past and it
makes you question yourself.
You know, guilt and manipulationcan leave even the strongest person
feeling confused, ashamed, and stuck.
And so today, let's talk aboutthis, and I have four points

(00:22):
for you, so let's dive in.
First, I want you to spot thesubtle signs, you know, guilt,
tripping, and manipulation.
Um, all of these types of things,rarely stout, rarely start loudly.
In fact, they often sound more like love.

(00:46):
For example, you may hear, I guessI'm just not important anymore,
or I wouldn't act like thisif you didn't always upset me.
So it's, it's your sonor daughter in this case.
Not taking responsibility, but ratherguilt tripping you or maybe even
manipulating you into you feelingguilty for taking care of yourself.

(01:09):
So I know a lot of you are dealingwith this right now, which is
why I wanted to talk about it.
I know this doesn't apply to each andevery one of you, but a lot of you it is.
And so I thought it was worthwhilebecause these statements can be
so emotionally charged and theirtactics meant to shift blame.

(01:30):
Let's just speak it for what it is.
Their tactics meant to shift theblame and make you feel responsible
for someone else's emotions.
You are not responsible foranyone else's emotions just as
no one is responsible for yours.
And so sometimes that guilt shamingcan happen when you try to set a
limit or maybe there's some passiveaggressive silence when you don't

(01:53):
respond to how they want you to respond.
Or maybe even rewriting history.
I know a lot of you are dealing withthat as well, and I have a couple
opinions on that, but I feel alsovery strongly that that is being done
to make you feel like the villain.
Now, some of your kids are rewritinghistory because they truly believe

(02:14):
it, and that's a whole nother video.
But we have to recognize thesesigns because it's crucial, because
you have to have awareness becauseawareness will bring you power.
So if you can name it, you don'thave to carry it like emotional
protection over yourself andyour own life and your own heart.
We have to be able to learn to seemanipulation without absorbing it, without

(02:38):
owning someone else's emotions, right?
So people, people choose manipulationto protect themselves, and it
becomes this vicious cycle.
Number two is guilt isn'tproof that you're wrong.
So as a mom, if you're starting tofeel guilty about something, does that
a hundred percent mean that you arein the fault or that you're wrong?

(02:59):
I don't believe so, becausesometimes we confuse the feeling of
guilt with being guilty, But thosedefinitely are not the same thing.
We can't confuse the two.
You know?
Just because you're feeling guilty doesn'tmean you necessarily did anything wrong.
So guilt.
Is in many cases, often used as thatemotional leverage, I guess you could say.

(03:21):
It keeps you compliant, it keepsyou where someone wants you, it
keeps you quiet, and it keeps yousacrificing beyond your limit.
And so when someone, in this case, yourson or daughter, is using your love as
a weapon to control you, it can becomewhat some would call emotional blackmail.

(03:42):
So you might start making some decisions.
Not because they're healthy, butbecause you wanna avoid conflict
or you wanna keep the peace.
I see this with my clients all the timewho are trying to stop enabling and it's
really hard to stop the flow of money.
They want to avoid conflict, theywanna keep the peace, and even
in spite of all the manipulation.

(04:04):
So, but over time, what happensis it may just seem transactional
for a while to keep the piece, butit doesn't just steal your peace.
It ends up stealing your identity,and you as a mom are allowed to make
choices that protect your emotionalhealth as well, even if they disagree
or maybe they're reacting poorly to it,but you're not responsible for their

(04:29):
response, you are responsible for the wayyou speak to others and for your peace.
Right?
So we have to put it into perspective.
Of course, if there's a way foryou to help your child in this type
of context, of course you would.
But we have to come to the conclusion andbe self-aware so we can make changes that

(04:49):
we are not responsible for their response.
They might not like it, and that's okay.
So if you are realizing thatthis is you, maybe you need
some more support in this area.
And I would like to invite youto a discovery call with me.
It's a 30 minute consultation.
It's not a coaching call, but it givesme the opportunity to hear a little bit

(05:10):
more about what's going on so I can makerecommendations for next steps for you.
So if you wanna stop feeling stuckand you wanna start walking in
peace and walking in strength andfeel that you are not alone in this
world, in this, in this situation,because I promise you, you're not.
I would be honored to speak withyou so you can find the link for the
discovery call in the show notes below.

(05:36):
Number three is settinglimits without apologizing.
This is hard for moms.
'cause when you start talking aboutboundaries, you know real boundaries
are about honoring your emotional,mental, and spiritual health.
And sometimes it's gonna meanhaving you say things like.

(05:56):
Um, I can't be available right now, orthat conversation is not helpful for me.
I love you, but I'm not okaywith how this is being handled.
And so it's not tryingto control anyone else.
It's literally just standingup for yourself, pro honoring
and protecting your own health.

(06:19):
And it might feel weird and it mightfeel almost like guilt or anxiety.
But that's because you arehealing from the habit of over
accommodating, you could say.
And the truth is, boundariesare not rejection.
They are protection.
They say, I love you, but I also love me.

(06:44):
Let me say that again.
Boundaries are not rejection.
They are protection.
It's telling your son or daughter thatI love you, but I also love myself.
You're not shutting people out.
You're simply choosing to show up ina way that doesn't literally drain
your soul and you're refusing to beemotionally manipulated into pleasing

(07:04):
someone at the cost of your own peace.
And that my friend is amazing work to do.
And I think anyone listeningto this probably has some
work in that arena to do.
But you're not alone.
And it's, it's okay.
And then lastly, number fouris I want to talk to you about
rewiring the script in your mind.

(07:26):
That horrible script that just keepsplaying over and over and over.
And that's the deep work, and thattakes time, but it can be life changing.
But when you've spent years beingconditioned to feel responsible
for everyone else's emotions.
It may have started in your ownchildhood, and it's just kind of, you've
just kind of lived your life that way.

(07:48):
You know, it's easy to thinkthings like, oh my gosh, I must
be doing something wrong, or ifthey're hurt, I must fix it, right?
If I stand up for myself, thatmust mean I'm selfish because
that's what they tell us, right?
Not even just your kids, but otherpeople in your world may have told
you that, but here's the truth.

(08:09):
Other people's emotionsare not your assignment.
Right?
You know, we all get uncomfortablesometimes, and their discomfort does not
mean that you are doing something wrong.
It just might mean that you'reactually doing something right.
So I would encourage you to askyourself some questions like, what

(08:30):
would peace look like right now for me?
What am I called to do thatI, that I feel pressured to do
and what needs to change?
Or maybe even when it comes to yourown choices, do they actually align
with your values or your fear?

(08:52):
So these asking yourself these typesof questions, it can kind of shift
you from the guilt driven reactionto more of a faith-filled response.
It's not about proving anything to anyone.
It's about walking in peace in yourown life and letting go of emotional
weight that was never yours to carry.

(09:15):
You know, I think we've all done thisat some point in our life where we
carry other people's stuff because we.
Especially as moms, we find that, youknow, we might be able to just fix them.
We do it with our kids.
Many of us, and some of youmight have done that in your past
relationships, but I think we allknow by now that it doesn't work.

(09:37):
And so if that's you and you've beenfeeling emotionally trapped, guilt, shame,
manipulation, just know that you're notalone and it doesn't mean you're weak.
You're not here to carry false guilt.
I want you to reclaim your own peace.
So I hope this helped you today.
Maybe get just even onestep closer to that.

(09:57):
So if you thought this was helpfuland you know a mom that could use
this, would you share this with her?
And I would love for you tofollow, like, and subscribe.
I'll see you in the next video.
God bless.