March 15, 2025 • 13 mins
Does Your Estranged Adult Child Want to RECONNECT with You? What if your estranged adult child wants to reconnect but doesn’t know how? Many moms wonder why their child hasn’t reached out, but the truth is, fear, guilt, and uncertainty often hold them back. In this episode, we’ll explore the emotional barriers that keep them silent, the subtle signs they may be considering reconnecting, and how to create a safe space that encourages them to reach out. I’ll also share practical steps to rebuild trust without pressure, so you can navigate this journey with clarity and hope. If you’re struggling with estrangement, you’re not alone. 💛
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What if you're estranged child actuallywants to reconnect but doesn't know how?
What if they are stuck in fear,guilt, or uncertainty, just waiting
for the right moment, but they'reafraid to take the first step.
You know, moms tell me all the time,if my child wanted to reconnect,
why wouldn't they just reach out?
the truth is it's rarely that simple.
(00:23):
I wish it was.
So today in this video, I wanna breakdown some of those hidden barriers
that might be holding them back.
Some subtle signs that are showing youthat they might be open to reconnecting
and most importantly, how you cancreate that space for them that will
hopefully help make it easier forthem to return when they're ready.
(00:50):
Today I have four tips for you on thistopic, and this is a really important
video and I want you to keep in mindthese are details that you can keep.
Close to you during the entirejourney of estrangement.
You might start to seesome of these subtle hints.
You may have ignored them or thoughtthey weren't a big deal, but you might
change your mind after listening to this.
(01:11):
Number one is fear and guilt.
fear and guilt.
Keep them stuck just like you and I.a lot of your estranged children are
not staying away because they want to.
Some of them might just be stayingaway because they're afraid.
They're afraid to come back.
They fear being rejected.
They fear reopening oldwounds just like you do.
(01:32):
they're dealing with the emotionalweight of the past just like you are.
I know a lot of you are thinking,my kids don't even think
about me, and I beg to differ.
I want you to keep that in mind becauseas we navigate all of these emotions,
Fear and guilt and all of thesethings, they are sitting there
also feeling those things.
(01:53):
Now, are they moving on with their life?
Yes, most of them are.
And that's good.
Hopefully They're livingtheir life productively.
Some of them are not.
I understand that, but guilt can bejust as paralyzing for them, and if
they were the ones who initiated theestrangement, especially, they might
feel ashamed about how they handled it.
(02:15):
Maybe they said somehurtful things to you.
Maybe they blocked you or cut contactjust abruptly and you don't know why.
The longer they stay away, they justmight be trying to convince themselves
that too much damage has been done.
Or should I say that enemy istrying to convince them that too
much damage has been done because Idon't believe that you think that,
(02:39):
in fact, the moms that I serve.
In my group, we talk about this andI don't know any of them that would
not welcome them back as long asit's a healthy relationship, right?
So the next time you find yourselfwondering, why don't they just reach out?
Remember, it's not alwaysabout not wanting to.
(03:00):
Now, this is case by case.
I'm fully aware of that.
That fear of fear and guilt it's likean invisible chain for all of us and
it keeps them stuck in silence, justlike it keeps us stuck in other ways.
Number two is some subtle signs.
So what are some subtle signsthat might just be trying to show
you they're open to reconnecting?
(03:21):
these are things that I've dealt withand when I'm working with clients,
they're starting to see some ofthese things happen for example, have
they unblocked you on social media?
That's a really good sign.
They're, they're testing you out here.
They're looking to see, are they likinga post or watching, you know, your
social media stories without commenting.
(03:42):
Have they recently asked a siblingor a relative, you know, cousin
or aunt or someone about you?
All of these actions may seemreally small, but for an estranged
child, they are so significant.
Now, keep in mind, they may not be readyfor a full conversation with you yet, but
(04:02):
they're signaling a curiosity about you.
They're wanting to knowwhere you're at, right?
They're wanting to know what yourlife is looking at right now.
Are you doing okay?
Do you think maybe just maybe mommight be open to hearing from me.
So because they are so subtle sometimesif you do get contact from them, for
(04:24):
some of you are not hearing from themyet, but I want you to keep these in
mind 'cause I do believe you will.
But for example, some of the ones thatI've seen in some of my clients, over
the years, I had one mom whose daughterhad reached out and said, Hey, do you
remember that recipe that grandma.
It's like a apple pie recipethat grandma used to have.
(04:47):
Do you still have that tome, that's just initiation.
she's trying to see like, areyou going to ball me out because
I walked away from the family?
Or are you gonna gimme the recipe?
Are you gonna be kind?
Is this gonna go anywhere?
another one is, there was a momthat I worked with who had done
a lot of family trips and Ithink it was a daughter had said.
(05:09):
Hey, this place reminded me of that familytrip that we took and had sent a photo.
That is pretty cool.
It's almost like a way of testingyour reaction, And if they sense
that you're warm to that, theymight take another step forward.
If they sense pressure, they may pullback, which is why the fact that we need
to respond and not react is so crucial.
(05:33):
So pay attention tothese small interactions.
reconnection, reconciliation does notusually start with this deep conversation.
It starts with curiosity.
It starts with these tinymoments of interaction.
And that's why I encourage my moms,they get frustrated and they're
like, yeah, but he's not calling,or she's not texting anymore.
It was only a few times.
Just be patient.
(05:53):
Pray, be patient becausethis is leading the way here.
As long as those tiny momentsof interaction are positive,
you have a pretty good chancethat they're going to continue.
Okay?
So for you moms who are feelingoverwhelmed, disconnected, trying
to navigate this crazy journey ofestrangement, or maybe you just
need a break to focus on you,I want to personally invite you
(06:15):
to the Empowered Mom Retreat.
It's gonna be on April 26th and 27 herein Ellenton, Florida, and this is a
weekend, a Saturday, Sunday for you.
For you to be able to step away,connect with myself and other
moms navigating the same journey,I can't wait to see you there.
It is going to be an amazing weekend.
(06:36):
Last year was fantastic and spotsare filling fast, so don't wait.
if you have any questions, you can reachout to us, but otherwise, if you are
interested in registering, you can clickthe register link below in the show
notes, I can't wait to meet you in person.
Number three is creating that safe space.
So we talked about.
They're kind of, maybe they're,they're testing you, right?
(06:56):
Maybe they're lookingto see your reaction.
But if they're hesitant, yourresponse to these small interactions
can make all the difference.
So we do not wanna lead with pressure.
And so here's some examplesof what not to say.
I used to say these, oh my goodness.
And I know a lot of moms who did the same.
no judgment.
My friends, you know, I don't understandwhy you won't just talk to me.
(07:20):
I guess you don't care about me anymore.
My famous line, to be honest with youguys, was why don't you love me anymore?
Why don't you love me anymore?
after everything I've done foryou, this is how you treat me.
Like I gave everything Icould to my kids, right?
And I know so many of you did too, andI'm not talking about material things.
I was a good mom and I know a lotof you were really good moms too.
(07:45):
So it is just so devastating.
You don't even know how to react.
Well, those are someexamples of what not to say.
even though they come from a placeof pain, which is exactly true, that
can still make them feel trapped.
My daughter wantednothing to do with that.
She was not participating in that.
She certainly was not going to answerthat question, So they may already be
(08:05):
dealing with guilt, but then we addpressure with this passive aggressiveness.
Or trying to make them feel guilty.
So rather, what I would encourage youto do is something along the lines of,
you know, I was just thinking aboutyou and I hope you're doing well.
No pressure to respond.
I just wanna say hi.
(08:26):
I know that not everyoneshould do that all the time.
And it's not a cookie cutter approach.
People will say, well,when do I reach out?
Well, it depends on how long it's been.
It depends on how you're doing.
It depends on if you are gonna be okay.
If you don't get a response.
There's lots of factors totake into consideration.
It's not an easy answer, you know,if you were to say to them, I know
(08:48):
things have been difficult, but I justwant you to know that I love you and
I'm always here when you're ready.
Just by keeping that door openwithout forcing the response,
because that's usually what we want.
You reach out, you givethem the space to respond.
It may not be immediate, itmay not be at all for a while.
It just depends.
(09:08):
our whole goal here is tomake reconnecting, feel
inviting, not overwhelming.
If it's gonna take a lot of workand it's gonna be overwhelming
to them, they're not gonna do it.
When they know that they canreturn without fear of guilt or
judgment or pressure, they're gonnafeel so much safer reaching out.
I don't blame them.
I really don't.
I put myself in our kids' shoes a lot.
(09:30):
I was the mom I was estranged, butfeeling guilt and shame and all of these
things that were not mine to carry.
But at the end of the day, I have toput myself in the kids' shoes too.
That's how I can best serve my moms.
Plus I've learned a lot frommy own daughter, and number
(09:51):
four I can promise you thisreconnection happens in small steps.
Many moms expect reconnection to be thisone big moment, this heartfelt phone
call that's just gonna solve it all.
You know, a deep conversation or evena better yet a surprise visit, right?
But in reality.
Reconnection is a seriesof small careful steps.
(10:12):
I'm not telling you to walk on eggshells,although I know a lot of moms feel like
they are doing that in the very beginning'cause you're still navigating everything.
And I think to a certain degreethat's kind of normal for both parties
trying to figure out, especiallyif it's been a while, trying to
figure out, what do we talk about?
What's safe?
Hey, that topic was not a safeconversation last time I talked to mom.
(10:35):
I wonder if I should even bring that up.
we have to think of wherethey're coming from as well.
maybe they start by only textingand then move to phone calls.
And then slowly they might beready to see you in person.
you may think, oh my gosh, seriously,I can't believe you wanna text
me, but you don't wanna see me.
I need to see you.
I just need to touch you.
(10:56):
I need to give you a hug.
I need to know you're okay.
I need to see you with my own two eyes.
We have to let them set the pace.
If they walked away,there's a reason for that.
We need to let them set the pace.
I'm not saying that they walked awaynecessarily 100% because of you.
As a mom,
it's usually not that way.
(11:17):
There's a lot more to thestory than meets the eye.
So if they reach out once andthen go quiet again, don't panic.
This is normal.
They might need some time to processbefore they take that next step,
before they do the phone call,before they do the in-person meet.
just remember reconnection isnot about one perfect moment.
(11:38):
It's building trust.
Little by little trust has beenbroken and that takes time.
So we wanna be able to keep thedoor open, But just remember.
Your son or your daughter maywant to reconnect more than you
realize, but some of these emotionalstruggles can be holding them back.
And as a mom, your role isn't to forceit open, it's to make sure it's unlocked.
(12:01):
So your job is to be open,to be patient, to be ready to
have taken care of yourself.
When they finally find the courageto reach out, knowing that they'll
be met with love, not judgment willmake all the difference in the world.
So I hope this helped you today.
I will see you in the next episode.
(12:23):
God bless.
What if you're estranged child actuallywants to reconnect but doesn't know how?
What if they are stuck in fear,guilt, or uncertainty, just waiting
for the right moment, but they'reafraid to take the first step.
You know, moms tell me all the time,if my child wanted to reconnect,
why wouldn't they just reach out?
the truth is it's rarely that simple.
(00:23):
I wish it was.
So today in this video, I wanna breakdown some of those hidden barriers
that might be holding them back.
Some subtle signs that are showing youthat they might be open to reconnecting
and most importantly, how you cancreate that space for them that will
hopefully help make it easier forthem to return when they're ready.
(00:50):
Today I have four tips for you on thistopic, and this is a really important
video and I want you to keep in mindthese are details that you can keep.
Close to you during the entirejourney of estrangement.
You might start to seesome of these subtle hints.
You may have ignored them or thoughtthey weren't a big deal, but you might
change your mind after listening to this.
(01:11):
Number one is fear and guilt.
fear and guilt.
Keep them stuck just like you and I.a lot of your estranged children are
not staying away because they want to.
Some of them might just be stayingaway because they're afraid.
They're afraid to come back.
They fear being rejected.
They fear reopening oldwounds just like you do.
(01:32):
they're dealing with the emotionalweight of the past just like you are.
I know a lot of you are thinking,my kids don't even think
about me, and I beg to differ.
I want you to keep that in mind becauseas we navigate all of these emotions,
Fear and guilt and all of thesethings, they are sitting there
also feeling those things.
(01:53):
Now, are they moving on with their life?
Yes, most of them are.
And that's good.
Hopefully They're livingtheir life productively.
Some of them are not.
I understand that, but guilt can bejust as paralyzing for them, and if
they were the ones who initiated theestrangement, especially, they might
feel ashamed about how they handled it.
(02:15):
Maybe they said somehurtful things to you.
Maybe they blocked you or cut contactjust abruptly and you don't know why.
The longer they stay away, they justmight be trying to convince themselves
that too much damage has been done.
Or should I say that enemy istrying to convince them that too
much damage has been done because Idon't believe that you think that,
(02:39):
in fact, the moms that I serve.
In my group, we talk about this andI don't know any of them that would
not welcome them back as long asit's a healthy relationship, right?
So the next time you find yourselfwondering, why don't they just reach out?
Remember, it's not alwaysabout not wanting to.
(03:00):
Now, this is case by case.
I'm fully aware of that.
That fear of fear and guilt it's likean invisible chain for all of us and
it keeps them stuck in silence, justlike it keeps us stuck in other ways.
Number two is some subtle signs.
So what are some subtle signsthat might just be trying to show
you they're open to reconnecting?
(03:21):
these are things that I've dealt withand when I'm working with clients,
they're starting to see some ofthese things happen for example, have
they unblocked you on social media?
That's a really good sign.
They're, they're testing you out here.
They're looking to see, are they likinga post or watching, you know, your
social media stories without commenting.
(03:42):
Have they recently asked a siblingor a relative, you know, cousin
or aunt or someone about you?
All of these actions may seemreally small, but for an estranged
child, they are so significant.
Now, keep in mind, they may not be readyfor a full conversation with you yet, but
(04:02):
they're signaling a curiosity about you.
They're wanting to knowwhere you're at, right?
They're wanting to know what yourlife is looking at right now.
Are you doing okay?
Do you think maybe just maybe mommight be open to hearing from me.
So because they are so subtle sometimesif you do get contact from them, for
(04:24):
some of you are not hearing from themyet, but I want you to keep these in
mind 'cause I do believe you will.
But for example, some of the ones thatI've seen in some of my clients, over
the years, I had one mom whose daughterhad reached out and said, Hey, do you
remember that recipe that grandma.
It's like a apple pie recipethat grandma used to have.
(04:47):
Do you still have that tome, that's just initiation.
she's trying to see like, areyou going to ball me out because
I walked away from the family?
Or are you gonna gimme the recipe?
Are you gonna be kind?
Is this gonna go anywhere?
another one is, there was a momthat I worked with who had done
a lot of family trips and Ithink it was a daughter had said.
(05:09):
Hey, this place reminded me of that familytrip that we took and had sent a photo.
That is pretty cool.
It's almost like a way of testingyour reaction, And if they sense
that you're warm to that, theymight take another step forward.
If they sense pressure, they may pullback, which is why the fact that we need
to respond and not react is so crucial.
(05:33):
So pay attention tothese small interactions.
reconnection, reconciliation does notusually start with this deep conversation.
It starts with curiosity.
It starts with these tinymoments of interaction.
And that's why I encourage my moms,they get frustrated and they're
like, yeah, but he's not calling,or she's not texting anymore.
It was only a few times.
Just be patient.
(05:53):
Pray, be patient becausethis is leading the way here.
As long as those tiny momentsof interaction are positive,
you have a pretty good chancethat they're going to continue.
Okay?
So for you moms who are feelingoverwhelmed, disconnected, trying
to navigate this crazy journey ofestrangement, or maybe you just
need a break to focus on you,I want to personally invite you
(06:15):
to the Empowered Mom Retreat.
It's gonna be on April 26th and 27 herein Ellenton, Florida, and this is a
weekend, a Saturday, Sunday for you.
For you to be able to step away,connect with myself and other
moms navigating the same journey,I can't wait to see you there.
It is going to be an amazing weekend.
(06:36):
Last year was fantastic and spotsare filling fast, so don't wait.
if you have any questions, you can reachout to us, but otherwise, if you are
interested in registering, you can clickthe register link below in the show
notes, I can't wait to meet you in person.
Number three is creating that safe space.
So we talked about.
They're kind of, maybe they're,they're testing you, right?
(06:56):
Maybe they're lookingto see your reaction.
But if they're hesitant, yourresponse to these small interactions
can make all the difference.
So we do not wanna lead with pressure.
And so here's some examplesof what not to say.
I used to say these, oh my goodness.
And I know a lot of moms who did the same.
no judgment.
My friends, you know, I don't understandwhy you won't just talk to me.
(07:20):
I guess you don't care about me anymore.
My famous line, to be honest with youguys, was why don't you love me anymore?
Why don't you love me anymore?
after everything I've done foryou, this is how you treat me.
Like I gave everything Icould to my kids, right?
And I know so many of you did too, andI'm not talking about material things.
I was a good mom and I know a lotof you were really good moms too.
(07:45):
So it is just so devastating.
You don't even know how to react.
Well, those are someexamples of what not to say.
even though they come from a placeof pain, which is exactly true, that
can still make them feel trapped.
My daughter wantednothing to do with that.
She was not participating in that.
She certainly was not going to answerthat question, So they may already be
(08:05):
dealing with guilt, but then we addpressure with this passive aggressiveness.
Or trying to make them feel guilty.
So rather, what I would encourage youto do is something along the lines of,
you know, I was just thinking aboutyou and I hope you're doing well.
No pressure to respond.
I just wanna say hi.
(08:26):
I know that not everyoneshould do that all the time.
And it's not a cookie cutter approach.
People will say, well,when do I reach out?
Well, it depends on how long it's been.
It depends on how you're doing.
It depends on if you are gonna be okay.
If you don't get a response.
There's lots of factors totake into consideration.
It's not an easy answer, you know,if you were to say to them, I know
(08:48):
things have been difficult, but I justwant you to know that I love you and
I'm always here when you're ready.
Just by keeping that door openwithout forcing the response,
because that's usually what we want.
You reach out, you givethem the space to respond.
It may not be immediate, itmay not be at all for a while.
It just depends.
(09:08):
our whole goal here is tomake reconnecting, feel
inviting, not overwhelming.
If it's gonna take a lot of workand it's gonna be overwhelming
to them, they're not gonna do it.
When they know that they canreturn without fear of guilt or
judgment or pressure, they're gonnafeel so much safer reaching out.
I don't blame them.
I really don't.
I put myself in our kids' shoes a lot.
(09:30):
I was the mom I was estranged, butfeeling guilt and shame and all of these
things that were not mine to carry.
But at the end of the day, I have toput myself in the kids' shoes too.
That's how I can best serve my moms.
Plus I've learned a lot frommy own daughter, and number
(09:51):
four I can promise you thisreconnection happens in small steps.
Many moms expect reconnection to be thisone big moment, this heartfelt phone
call that's just gonna solve it all.
You know, a deep conversation or evena better yet a surprise visit, right?
But in reality.
Reconnection is a seriesof small careful steps.
(10:12):
I'm not telling you to walk on eggshells,although I know a lot of moms feel like
they are doing that in the very beginning'cause you're still navigating everything.
And I think to a certain degreethat's kind of normal for both parties
trying to figure out, especiallyif it's been a while, trying to
figure out, what do we talk about?
What's safe?
Hey, that topic was not a safeconversation last time I talked to mom.
(10:35):
I wonder if I should even bring that up.
we have to think of wherethey're coming from as well.
maybe they start by only textingand then move to phone calls.
And then slowly they might beready to see you in person.
you may think, oh my gosh, seriously,I can't believe you wanna text
me, but you don't wanna see me.
I need to see you.
I just need to touch you.
(10:56):
I need to give you a hug.
I need to know you're okay.
I need to see you with my own two eyes.
We have to let them set the pace.
If they walked away,there's a reason for that.
We need to let them set the pace.
I'm not saying that they walked awaynecessarily 100% because of you.
As a mom,
it's usually not that way.
(11:17):
There's a lot more to thestory than meets the eye.
So if they reach out once andthen go quiet again, don't panic.
This is normal.
They might need some time to processbefore they take that next step,
before they do the phone call,before they do the in-person meet.
just remember reconnection isnot about one perfect moment.
(11:38):
It's building trust.
Little by little trust has beenbroken and that takes time.
So we wanna be able to keep thedoor open, But just remember.
Your son or your daughter maywant to reconnect more than you
realize, but some of these emotionalstruggles can be holding them back.
And as a mom, your role isn't to forceit open, it's to make sure it's unlocked.
(12:01):
So your job is to be open,to be patient, to be ready to
have taken care of yourself.
When they finally find the courageto reach out, knowing that they'll
be met with love, not judgment willmake all the difference in the world.
So I hope this helped you today.
I will see you in the next episode.
(12:23):
God bless.
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