Does Your Estranged Child REALLY Owe You Anything?

Do you ever feel like your estranged adult child owes you something after all the years you poured into raising them—your time, your love, your sacrifices? You’re not alone. Many moms silently carry the weight of this emotional debt, feeling forgotten, dismissed, or unappreciated. In this honest and heartfelt episode, we’ll explore what happens when love turns into expectation, why resentment grows when we keep emotional score, and how to shift your focus from what’s been lost to what you can still reclaim—peace, clarity, and strength. We’ll talk about the generational silence around estrangement, how to break free from the victim mindset, and why real reconnection can’t be forced. If you're ready to let go of bitterness and lean into healing, this message is for you. 

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
After all you did for them,how could they just walk away?
You know, if you've ever whisperedthat thought or had tears or screamed
in frustration, you are not alone.
And so many moms feel blindsided, likethey gave everything and yet still lost
the connection with their adult child.
So here's the hard question.
What if holding onto what youthink you're owed is actually

(00:24):
holding you back from healing?
This is a little controversial.
I have different thoughts on it myself.
and I just wanna share with youbecause I think it's extremely
powerful to think about this fromboth perspectives, not just from our
pain, we operate out of our pain andthat's what we need to stop doing.

(00:48):
So let's dive right in.
Number one is love given freely.
we give our kidsunconditional love, right?
Whether you adopted your child, yougave birth to your child, you know

(01:08):
that love doesn't come with strings,You did what moms do, you showed up.
You gave your time, energy, money, andheart, and that's what we do as we should.
And you made sacrifices some thatno one maybe even knows about.
generationally, nobodyprepared us for this.
our moms didn't havelanguage for estrangement.

(01:31):
It happened back then, butnobody really talked about it.
Our grandmothers didn't post about it.
That's for sure.
Most family fractures were silent.
They weren't spoken about,they weren't processed.
And so now here we arein 2025 navigating this.

(01:53):
And if you are navigating this with nomap, it makes sense that it hurts deeply.
Here's the truth, if we attachinvisible strings to the love we
gave, believing that our childrenowe us something in return.
We're risking it, aren't we?
it turns something beautifulinto something transactional.

(02:17):
Now, don't get me wrong here, I am notsaying that I think your kids don't owe
you anything or that they shouldn't bearound it's not that I agree with what
we're dealing with in this epidemic,because I don't, even if I hadn't
experienced it myself, I think thisis craziness that we're going through.
Again, a disclaimer.
if an adult child or you as the momhave been physically abused by your

(02:45):
child or by the parent, a hundredpercent you need to walk away.
But what happens is we endup keeping a scoreboard.
You know, it doesn't mean thatwhat you gave didn't matter.
Sometimes we are expecting this payoff.
We have this, and we envision inour head what it's gonna look like.

(03:07):
We focus on that insteadof our own healing.
So we're so hyper-focused on whatwent wrong and why it went wrong,
and we're not focusing on our ownhealing and we turn into the victim.
I'm not saying you don'tfeel like a victim.
I know I did at times.

(03:30):
It was just unexplainableand I couldn't understand it.
But I wanna remind you that for someof us, there were things that we did.
There were communication issues,there were some control issues.
But some of you, this has more to do withyour son or daughter than it does you.
I'm not expecting them to agree to that.

(03:51):
I'm not expecting them to raise theirhand and say, yeah, you're right.
I know that some of you moms are raisingyour hand and saying, yeah, there
are some things that I could change.
There are some things thatI would do better next time.
And you're doing thework to make that happen.
So in the future, when youcome back together, it's gonna
be a stronger relationship.
Number two, resentment growswhere entitlement lives.

(04:16):
We all know the kidsthat are entitled, right?
It's human to want recognition.
It's human to want your child tosay, I see what you did for me.
We also know the moms that are entitled.
but when the desire for that becomesa demand or an expectation that

(04:36):
literally can morph into resentment.
That is a slow poison regardless of whoyou are resenting and for what reason.
It is a slow poison.
It doesn't just affect yourrelationship with your child.
It's gonna affect your joy, yourfaith, your sleep, your health,
and your ability to move forward.
so when you live in that,they owe me space too long.

(04:58):
You unconsciously shift into thatvictim mode like I was saying,
and start to believe you're stuck.
You're powerless.
At the mercy of theirchoices, but you're not.
You're hurt and the pain is definitelyreal, but you are not powerless.
healing happens when you take your focusoff what someone else won't give, and

(05:18):
start giving yourself what you need.
So powerful.
if this resonates with you, I wanna inviteyou to book a discovery call with me.
It is not a coaching session, as you know.
It is a conversation.
It is a consultation to helpyou understand where you're at.
Maybe even what stage ofestrangement you're in and how
we can walk this path together.

(05:40):
So if you are interestedin that, feel free.
spots are limited, so please grab yours.
and the show notes below,there will be a link.
Okay.
Number three, real reconnection.
Can't be forced.
I think you know that.
And let's be honest, many moms justwant their child to come back home.
Not physically always, but emotionally.

(06:01):
You wanna feel chosen and I get that.
But here's something to think about.
If your child came back becausethey felt guilty or pressured
or obligated, do you think thatwould truly heal the relationship?
connection rooted in thosethings, and guilt it doesn't last.

(06:21):
It usually just leads to moreresentment on both sides later.
And I am a very strong proponentin let's rebuild this relationship
better than it was before.
Let's heal what needs to behealed so we can move forward.
So instead, you know what?
If you let your love and your grace andall these things be an invitation, not

(06:43):
a demand, and I know a lot of you arecompletely understanding what I'm saying
here, but some of you might be thinking,what in the world is she talking about
an invitation That's my son or daughter.
How could they not come back home?
I used to say that to mydaughter all the time.
It made no logical sense to me,

(07:05):
but you need to come from aposture of peace, not pressure.
You start pressuring your kids,you're pushing them further away.
But that doesn't mean tolerating badbehavior, disrespectful behavior.
It means setting down the you oweme, and instead coming from a posture

(07:25):
of I'm here when you're ready, andin the meantime I'm working on me.
That's the ideal situationfor both parties.
And lastly, number four iswe need to shift the focus.
What do you owe yourself in this season?
You've spent many years of giving.
You gave your best, probably gavefrom an empty tank many times.

(07:46):
instead of asking, whydon't they see what I did?
Rather, I'd rather have youask, what do I need to see now?
Do you need to owe yourself?
Some grace for not being a perfect parent.
'cause I promise youthere's no such thing.
And do you owe yourself some restfrom this emotional exhaustion?

(08:12):
Maybe you even owe yourself somehealing from wounds that started
long before your child walked away.
Might even be from your own childhood.
this season of estrangement of a rockyrelationship, or maybe fully estranged.
May not have been your choice, buthow you respond to it is 'cause that
my friends is the only thing youhave control over is your response.

(08:36):
God can still use this pain to strengthenyou and deepen your own life and reveal
a purpose that doesn't depend on whetherthey come back or when they come back.
Because when they come back, wewant it to be better and different.
We don't wanna go through this again.
You owe yourself some loveand truth and peace, and so I

(08:58):
pray that that's what you get.
And like I said, We don't want this tocome back full circle and happen again.
I see moms where that happens,and this is the second or third
time, we've gotta stop right here.
We need to really analyze some things.
What's happening?
So I hope that resonated with you todayand I will see you in the next episode.

(09:19):
God bless.