How to Rebuild Connection with Your GROWN Child After Estrangement

Rebuilding connection with your adult child after estrangement can feel overwhelming… even when it’s what you’ve prayed for. The truth is, reconnection doesn’t mean diving back in with the same patterns—it requires healing, self-awareness, and a steady heart.

In this video, I’m walking you through 4 powerful truths to help you rebuild trust without rushing, show up as the healthiest version of you, and avoid sabotaging a fragile restart. If you’ve been working on yourself and are ready for a different kind of relationship—with boundaries, peace, and purpose—this is for you.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You've waited for this moment, a message,a call, even a sign that maybe just maybe
things could be different, but the secondit happens, this new fear creeps in.
what if I mess this up?
Or what if it's too soon?
Or maybe it's too late.
rebuilding after estrangement issacred ground and it requires a

(00:21):
different kind of strength, onethat is rooted in healing and hope.
And so today I wanna share with youfour points on this because this
is something that many of you arenot even considering as an option.
You've given up hope, and I wannaencourage you, and I wanna give you
these tips, especially for those ofyou that are in that season right now.

(00:41):
Where you've gotten that call,you've gotten that text, and you
are navigating these first couple,interactions with your kids again.
So let's dive in.
Number one is don't rush the reunion.

(01:02):
I know you may think, but why not?
My gosh, they reached out to me.
I need to like jump on this.
We need to let trust grow.
Trust grows in layersright for you and for them.
it's tempting to pour out everythingthat you've been holding in.
You wanna explain, you wannaapologize, you wanna catch up on

(01:22):
lost time, but your child may notbe emotionally ready for that.
Maybe not that depth,maybe just not quite yet.
But the relationship needs reregulating.
Not rehashing.
Some of you are going to rehash some ofthese things over time and some of you

(01:43):
aren't, and you're gonna be amazed athow you might just be okay with that.
when you see growth, when you see change,when they see growth, when they see
change, honestly nothing else matters,
So I want you to think ofit like planting a garden.
If you just dump too muchwater on the roots, they drown.

(02:03):
If trust is rebuilt in layers,texts that don't expect replies,
note the word expect, right?
We don't always have toget that immediate reply.
You're having conversationsthat don't push.
You're having momentsthat prove, you know what?
I'm here.
I've done the work, I've changed my part.

(02:27):
maybe sending them messages that askabout them and not the relationship.
I want you to show presence, notpressure, showing presence, not pressure.
Number two is reflection.
This is a big one, and I want you tohonestly answer this for yourself.
Have you been healing during thistime or are you just waiting?

(02:51):
Because rebuilding is only going to workif you're showing up as someone new.
Not to say this is all your fault.
Not to say you have to revampeverything about yourself, but we
all have different details of therelationship that could change.
we want to show up as someone new, notthe same mom that they pulled away from.

(03:14):
I want you to ask yourself,have I done the inner work to
really break my own patterns?
Maybe it was control.
Maybe it was codependency, maybeit was anxiety or reactiveness.
All of these things, have Iimproved my communication skills?
Have I let go of guilt and desperationso that I can respond and not react?

(03:36):
Have I built a life that I feelgood about outside of them?
Because here's the truth, if the oldyou returns to the new conversation.
It often pushes them away again becauseif they think she hasn't changed a
bit, she never heard me, she never paidattention to what I was trying to say.

(04:00):
For some of you, that's it, right?
And if that old you, the old patternsor the old pain returns to this new
relationship, this new conversation,it could push them away again.
And so this is exactly why.
What that I walk throughinside my coaching programs.

(04:22):
You're not, you don't wannawalk on eggshells forever.
You need to stand on solid ground.
if you're ready to rebuild from a place ofpeace, not panic, not victim hood, right?
I would love to be able to helpguide you through that, whether it be
one-on-one coaching or group coaching.
And so if you're interestedin learning more about those.

(04:44):
There is a discovery callthat you can sign up for.
It is not a coaching call,it's a consultation, but it's
gonna help prepare your heart.
The work will help you prepare yourheart and your mindset for what's ahead.
We have to prepare for this.
So if that's you, click onthe link in the show notes.
Number three is small moments.

(05:06):
You know what?
Small moments matter morethan the big apology.
Many moms think that reconnection isgonna require one big, deep talk to
fix it all, but I truly believe, andI've seen it over and over and over,
adult children are often afraid ofthat intensity, just like you are.

(05:29):
Rebuilding is much more aboutthe proof, the changed behavior,
the better communication.
That's gonna stand tall.
That is more important than justpromises that things are gonna change.
They need to see change.
You need to see change, right?
whatever the issues were thatyou had, one or both of you is

(05:49):
gonna need to see some change.
So, consistency, staying calm, beingcurious about them, showing that you
can be in their life without trying tofix or control or guilt them if that
was something you were dealing with.
Not everyone is dealing with that.
But a lot of you are becausethey're gonna notice your tone.
They're gonna notice your bodylanguage, your timing, your restraint.

(06:13):
That is what earns you a secondchance with some of these kids.
And I want you to focus onconnection, not correction.
We don't need to correctwhat's going on in their world.
We wanna ask about their world, andwithout needing to explain yours,
that first connection is going tobe more about them, and that's okay.

(06:35):
Number four is adjustingyour expectations.
you don't wanna self-sabotage yourself,and this may not be a full reunion, but
it could start with a single birthdaytext or a holiday text, or a coffee.
That may never lead to asecond one for a while.
It doesn't mean it's not progress.

(06:57):
I have a lot of clients right nowthat have had some touchpoints in
the last several months, but thenthey're hearing nothing crickets.
And the danger is in having theseunspoken expectations, you want them
to show up like nothing happened orto act like the child, you remember.
But they've changed.
You've changed.

(07:17):
And this relationship needs room toevolve and to shift and to change.
So if we lower our expectations andexpect it to be slow, celebrate the
wins and trust God with the rest,
there is no better recipe becausewe can't control another person.

(07:38):
So let go of what you can't control.
Control yourself.
Work on yourself.
Prepare for that invitation that phonecall that you will receive at some point.
I truly believe that.
I know not all of youbelieve that, but I do.
And so I just wanna encourageyou today and I hope that helped.
I'll see you in the next episode.

(07:59):
God bless.