HOW TO RESPOND (or Not) to a Hurtful Letter from Your Adult Child

When the words from your adult child cut deep, it's hard to know what to say—or whether to say anything at all. In this episode, I’ll walk you through a clear, grounded approach to responding (or not responding) to painful letters, texts, or messages from your child. You’ll learn how to protect your peace, set emotional boundaries, and discern what your next step should be.

This isn’t about fixing the relationship overnight—it’s about finding your footing again, with calm, wisdom, and healing.

And if you're ready for deeper support, I invite you to join me at the RISE Retreat this October in Florida. You'll connect with other moms walking a similar journey, gain tools that actually help, and hear my daughter share her side of our estrangement and healing story.

🕊️ You're not alone. You're not powerless. And this could be the turning point.

📍 Learn more or save your seat for the RISE Retreat
👉 https://www.sally-harris.com/rise-2025 

READY TO TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP? Book a discovery call for a consultation.👇 Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min

CONNECT WITH SALLY HARRIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

INSTAGRAM | https://www.instagram.com/sallyharriscoach/

FACEBOOK | https://www.facebook.com/coachsallyharris

WEBSITE | https://www.sally-harris.com 

 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
So maybe it's been dayssince you read the letter.
the pain is still lingering, right?
You're still thinking about all of thisand you wanna respond with love, but
you're afraid of saying the wrong thing.
So in this video today, I wanna walkthrough some suggestions on things
to reply with if you choose to.
That is super clear and calm and healing.
So I have four points foryou today in regards to this.

(00:22):
So let's just dive in.
Number one is craftingthis grounded response.
So you see, I said crafting thisisn't something that we just, on a
whim, take some notes and respond,you know, just, uh, willy-nilly.

(00:43):
we wanna really craft what that responseis gonna be because you don't owe a
reply, especially immediately, but youcan choose to offer one, especially
when you want to leave that door open.
for a relationship with them.
So what I want you to do is keep itshort what a lot of moms do prior to,
I know many times before even coming tome, and I'll start coaching with someone

(01:05):
and find out later that they've writtensome letters that were super defensive,
they were rambling, going on and onabout this, that, and the other thing.
I don't recommend that whatsoever.
I want you to keep it warm.
No sarcasm, right?
There's a lot of things that youcould say, and maybe they did say
them, but you're not going to, right?

(01:26):
'cause you're mom and you're gonnaset the example of the new tone of
what this relationship can look like.
And so I want you tokeep it centered, calm.
As we talked about in the last video,emotionally regulated for yourself.
even if you just said something just ina total example here, but maybe even just
acknowledging the receipt of the letterand that you can hear how hurt they are.

(01:50):
You know, you can apologize for thepain that they've been carrying.
It doesn't mean you own all of it, right?
And again, this reallyis case by case basis.
It's not like I can just say, at.
One week or two weeks, or one month orsix months, you should write a letter.
Every family is different.
Every situation is different.
Every child is different.
Every mom is different.

(02:11):
acknowledging the pain that they'vecarried, whether that pain was from
you or not from you, is totally, agood thing to say they're your child.
And you don't want them to be in pain.
if you tell them that you lovethem, you're open to talking
when they're ready, I'm here.
So what that does is it honors,like I said, it honors their pain
without absorbing all the blame.

(02:34):
It also, you're modeling what thisis gonna look like and you're not
trying to convince them of anythingand it's leaving the door wide open.
In my opinion, what I wouldn't wantyou to do, one of the things that I
see a lot of moms do that I end upcorrecting is, don't use the word,
but I'm sorry you feel that way, but.
This is what really happened, right?

(02:54):
We don't wanna do that.
That is not the time to do that.
You do not wanna rehash history.
This is not the time to go back into thedepths of the past ideally, that would
be done in person in the future, right?
That's not how you come back together.
so just don't get pulled intojustifying or defending yourself.
'cause it's really easy to do that.
So just be very mindful of that.

(03:16):
And remember that your jobis not to win an argument.
You're not here to win an argument.
So number two is emotional boundaries.
And you know, sometimes the most lovingthing you could say to them could be,
I'm willing to talk When it's safeand respectful, especially if you got
that heated letter and you wanna letthem know that you're willing to talk.

(03:39):
But it sets the tone for what thatfuture call or meetup is gonna look like.
it shows them that lovedoes not mean open access.
Yes, I love you, but itmeans healthy access.
it could be like, I can't engage inconversations that are aggressive,
disrespectful, or maybe even cruel.
letting them know that you lovethem, you want to rebuild trust.

(04:02):
But only if we can talk with respect andthat's beneficial for them as well as you.
And remember, by putting these wallsup, these boundaries per se, it's
basically just allowing you to notslam this door shut, it's peace.
You want peace in the future.
if they're sending multiple hurtfulmessages and continuing to attack you.

(04:25):
Personally, I would not respond.
The healthiest responsefor both of you is silence.
these are really hard conversations,And I want you to know that you
do not have to do these alone.
if you are looking for a communityand want an in-person opportunity,
the RISE retreat is coming up inOctober, October 10 and 11, 20 25.

(04:46):
And, I'll get to help you navigate someof these moments with you with clarity
and confidence and faith, and you'regonna walk away with some real tools,
some new connections, a new community.
And some peace.
we are meeting here in Florida, October10 and 11, and you can find all the
details below in the show notes.
Number three is the hidden message.

(05:08):
You really need to kind of dive throughthis and sometimes we need help someone
having someone else kind of identifyit, but angry words often carry
unspoken grief, so they're angry, right?
Maybe they said to you, youwere never there for me.
Typically that means they didn'tfeel safe telling you how they felt,

(05:28):
Another one that I hear a lotis, you ruined my childhood,
You ruined my childhood.
Well, that probably means morelike they're sorting through pain
and they don't know how to talkto you yet, so it's not time.
And just remember, just becauseyou're mom, you're not responsible for
interpreting or absorbing all their pain.
But just being able to look a littledeeper at their words can help you and

(05:51):
can kind of help take the sting outof the letter, like take the emotion
out of it and ask yourself, is therea deeper wound here that they don't
know how to process or how to express?
And really asking yourself,is this even about me?
Some of it might be, but is thistruly about me or about something that
they haven't healed in themselves?

(06:12):
Because it could be both.
So just be careful.
Try not to fix their painbecause that's not your job.
And you can acknowledge that pain, withoutaccepting the disrespect and mistreatment.
So that is wisdom, There'sa lot of wisdom in that.
And lastly, number four is I wantyou to choose the kind of mom

(06:32):
you wanna be who you wanna be foryourself and for them moving forward.
You know, you may not be ableto change their choices, but
you can choose how you show up.
you don't need to fix, you don'tneed to keep proving yourself.
You don't need to grovel over them.
But rather if you can respond withclarity and dignity and let your own

(06:54):
words reflect that healing that you'vebeen doing, and maybe you're a mom that
hasn't done any healing yet, well, Iwould love to see you at the retreat,
or I also have the discovery callwhere we could, have a consultation.
You could learn more about coaching.
But you need a communityof people around you.
every mom needs to be ableto navigate through this.
Probably what's the mostdifficult time in your life?

(07:15):
you have to remember this timeright now is about who you are
becoming and the relationship.
But whether the reconciliationhappens this month or next year, I
don't know when it's gonna happen.
You need to stand firm in your ownidentity not just as a mom, but as
a woman walking in love and faith.
And so just remember, sometimes themost powerful response is no response.

(07:39):
Really have to weigh the options there.
Sometimes it's just those quiet wordsthat maybe I love you, but if you're ready
to find strength, community, and healingfor yourself, I'd love to see you so we
can walk through all of this together.
I hope this video helped younavigate that letter and I will
see you in the next episode.
God bless.