How To Set Boundaries With Adult Children

How to set boundaries with adult children. In this episode, we tackle the challenging yet essential task of setting boundaries with adult children. Whether you're dealing with estrangement or ongoing relational difficulties, establishing clear boundaries is crucial for both your well-being and the health of your relationship. I'll guide you through understanding the impact of estrangement, effective ways to communicate your boundaries, strategies for handling resistance, and the importance of emotional self-care. This guide is designed for any mom who feels overwhelmed by the complexities of parenting an adult child. You'll gain actionable advice to help you establish and maintain boundaries that foster respect and understanding.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker (00:00):
Are you feeling pushed to your limits, but scared to push back?

(00:03):
Very common.
So let's talk about settingboundaries without losing connection.
So we need to learn how to setboundaries, and for some of you,
this might be the very first stepin healing your relationship, right?
If you have not become fullyestranged from your child, sometimes
setting boundaries in love isexactly what you need to do.

(00:25):
So right now you're probably feeling likeevery conversation turns into a conflict.
If you're in communication withyour child we need to set these
boundaries so that that will protectyou and your relationship long term.
So let's dive into a couple of these.

(00:47):
The first is boundaries at a distance.
Sometimes we need to realize thatsetting boundaries, even if you're
not in communication or if there'slittle or no contact at all.
Either way with your adult child,it's still important to set these.
It's about defining what you.
Are willing to accept andunder what conditions you would

(01:10):
engage or reengage with them.
each of your family's different.
Your situations are different.
Only you know what that feels like.
So some of you have written a letter or anemail to communicate these at some point,
and I'm not saying that that's the answer.
not always the answer because it'snot, it's not always the answer,
especially up in the beginning.
But what I do know is that whenyou initiate boundaries, even from

(01:33):
a distance, even when you're doingit for yourself, you're doing
it for your own mental health.
You're doing it for your ownphysical health and whatever's
going on in your family.
Some lines in the sand sometimesneed to be drawn, right?
Even if it's just internally,what you know to be true.

(01:54):
Okay.
Number two is self careand emotional boundaries.
And that is because we really needto understand the need for emotional
boundaries, because that is goingto protect your mental health.
And that is the one and onlypurpose for this boundary, right?
Self care is a huge piece of it, but wecall it an emotional boundary because

(02:15):
it's going to help you emotionally.
And the purpose of it is really to leadto personal empowerment for yourself
and even more importantly, self respect.
So maybe you have a son or daughter thatis being extremely disrespectful and
you're just not sure how to navigate it.
You know, I can't promise how they'regoing to respond to your boundaries, but

(02:35):
when you create these, you need to knowthat you're doing them in love, And then
their response is not your responsibility.
So the self respect or thereforelack of self respect is what's
happening to many of you.
And that's why you feel so defeatedand you feel like you have no self

(02:56):
respect because you're allowing this.
You're allowing it be justbecause it's your adult child.
So, you know, therefore, like Ialways say, you're teaching them
how to treat you just like anyoneelse in your, in your world.
So we forget that sometimeswhen it's our own child.
So taking care of you.
is also very, very important.
For those of you that I have not talkedwith before and you are, have been on this

(03:20):
journey, you've tried other things, you'retrying to navigate, or maybe you're going
to be the mom that starts out and reachesout for help prior to being estranged,
Where you're stillnavigating some of this.
if you're open and you're wantingto learn more about coaching,
I I'd love to talk with you.
This is a consultation.
It's not a coaching call.

(03:41):
It's not a call just foradvice it's a consultation.
I get to learn more about what you'regoing through I get to share with you
about my program and we can decidetogether what that looks like number
three is recognizing the need Recognizingthe need of the boundary some of you are
being manipulated Disrespected you'restressed out over the relationship and

(04:03):
you need to recognize that wow I needto create this boundary some of you are
just at that point where There should beboundaries in any healthy relationship
and you're finally realizing that
You're learning that but especially withour kids and you know, why is because our
roles have shifted They're adults now.
It's a level playing field.

(04:24):
You're not their keeper, right?
Some of your kids are wantingyou to be their keeper, but
that's not your responsibility.
And that's where a lot of thisdefiance comes in because they're
expecting you to continue to dowhat you've always done for them.
And maybe they've realized, or hopefullyyou've realized by now that maybe you've
done too much for them, but guess what?

(04:44):
We can't go backwards and that's okay.
But this will help you recognize the need.
And that's, that's the whole goal here.
And number four is howto communicate with them.
So when you communicate theseboundaries to your adult child,
you need to use I statements.
Don't blame, don't criticize.
You just need to be clear and conciseand specific about what it is that

(05:08):
is acceptable and what is not right.
So they know what they're dealingwith, just like you deserve the same.
And that's the biggest piece here,because if, You are not ready to
follow through with consequences,then don't set the boundary.
If the consequences are not followedthrough and they're not respected,
then don't bother setting a boundaryif you're not willing to follow

(05:30):
through, I know that can be hard.
We're going to talk more aboutthat in the upcoming videos.
because this topic overallboundaries is extremely important
and relevant to so many of you.
And I've been talking to a lotof you lately, bringing this
specific, subject up a lot.
So I will see you in the next video.
God bless.