Is Your Parenting Style ENABLING Bad Adult Behavior?

Is your parenting style unintentionally enabling your adult child’s bad behavior? In this heartfelt episode, coach Sally Harris breaks down what enabling really looks like, why moms fall into this cycle, and how to start setting healthy boundaries—without cutting off your child. Learn how to protect your peace, support your child in a healthier way, and finally break free from guilt and exhaustion.

Ready to reclaim your voice and find healing? Listen now.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Have you ever wondered if your lovefor your adult child is actually

(00:04):
hurting more than it's helping?
And what I mean by that is I want you toask yourself, are you constantly stepping
in, giving money, smoothing things over?
Or on the flip side, are you stayingsilent just to avoid conflict?
But deep down, you are exhaustedand nothing's getting better.

(00:24):
this might be one of thehardest truths to face as a mom.
But what if the help that you'regiving is actually keeping them stuck?
let's talk about how enabling works,how it affects you, and how to step
into that healthier role withoutlosing yourself in the process.

(00:45):
Number one is what doesenabling really look like?
enabling is when we over-functionso they don't have to.
And I know that was probably a hugesentence for many of you where your
heart probably just sunk to your gut.
You are over-functioning, so theydon't have to, it's about protection.

(01:09):
It's when love turns into almostrescue and protection becomes this
barrier to responsibility thatthey don't know what that means.
it can be that drastic, orsometimes it can be really subtle.
Maybe it's covering up theirmistakes, Maybe it's giving money

(01:29):
even though it's never used wisely.
Maybe it's pretending things are fine toavoid blowups because you've been there
before and don't wanna go there again.
Maybe it's saying yes whenyour heart is screaming.
No.
I don't wanna do that.
No, I don't have the money, or Idon't wanna give you the money.

(01:52):
But you still say yes.
Maybe it's taking the blamejust to avoid the silent
treatment because you're scared.
It might look like support onthe surface, but deep down, you
know it's creating imbalance.
It's creating imbalance for you and therelationship because you feel like the
relationship is one sided and it's leavingyou, the mom, emotionally bankrupt.

(02:17):
I don't care how much money in the worldyou have or if you are super poor, it
makes no difference because you knowwhy that is the same no matter what.
It's the fact that there's noresponsibility, whether it's
a hindrance or a hardship foryou, or you don't even miss it.

(02:38):
Either way, it doesn't matter.
But I want you to remember thatthis is not about blaming yourself.
It's about seeing what's not workingand choosing a healthier way forward.
Number two is the hidden cost.
The hidden cost to you, the mom.
Because every time you say yesto something that violates your
peace, you say no to yourself.

(03:00):
You say no to your own emotional health.
And what happens is enablingcan often lead to resentment.
You start feeling taken advantage of.
Even if you never actually verbalizeit to them, you feel that way.
You may have anxiety, you feel likeyou're on high alert all the time.
You're constantly, trying to managetheir emotions or avoid the next crisis.

(03:24):
Maybe you have shame or confusion andyou wonder why do I feel like such a
bad mom when I'm doing everything I can?
And deep down, many of you fear that ifI stop helping, will I lose them forever.
But it also keeps you stuck in a cyclethat's not helping them grow, and
at the same time, it's draining you.

(03:45):
So if any part of this hits home foryou, I wanna personally invite you
to schedule a 30 minute call with me.
It is not a coaching call, itis a consultation for moms who
are ready to dive into coaching.
And you wanna learn more about that.
It is a focus call where we're gonna talkthrough, what's your facing, and I wanna
help you explore what kind of supportcould best fit your journey because you

(04:08):
don't have to keep carrying this alone.
the link to schedule thatis in the show notes below.
Number three, whyboundaries are a loving act.
boundaries are not rejection.
They are a reset.
They say, I love you.
I love you, son.
I love you, daughter,but I love myself too.

(04:30):
some of you may be struggling withthat because you've done this for
so long and my heart hurts for you.
This is all you've everknown and you fear stopping.
You may actually be able to say to them,some of you, I'm not in a place to help
financially, but I can pray for you.
I can cheer you on.

(04:50):
I can be here in other ways.
if the conversation turns hurtful,I'm gonna need to end the call
and we can try again later.
Remember, we teach people how totreat us, and that includes our kids.
if the conversation turns bad andmaybe you're being yelled at, you

(05:11):
say, I'm not okay with being yelledat or cursed at, even if you're upset.
In other words, it doesn't give youjustification to treat me this way.
these statements can be hard at first.
but they're rooted in truth and theycreate almost like a new standard for
the relationship because if you have noboundaries, your adult son or daughter is

(05:33):
going to continue be Continue to believethat your love means unlimited access
regardless of behavior, But when we havesome boundaries, they can begin to see.
Love can be firm.
Love can say no, and love can have limits.
But guess what?
My parents are still there for me.
Doesn't mean cutting them off and walkingaway and want nothing to do with 'em.

(05:54):
That's not it.
Boundaries don't end relationships.
They teach responsibilityand respect within them.
I know what you're thinking.
You don't know my son or daughter,and they are not gonna go for that.
And you know what?
Temporarily, they may not.
But that is a risk you may have totake to get an authentic relationship

(06:14):
with your child in the long run.
You're doing them a favor right nowby implementing some of these things.
number four is the truth about growth.
You know, enabling can feellike you're helping, actually.
Stunts your child's growth.
And when we constantly solve, fix orsoften everything for someone, we prevent

(06:37):
them from learning how to handle it.
I always tell my clients, what would theydo if, God forbid you were hit by a bus?
most of them are like,oh my gosh, I don't know.
How will they handle this?
They need to learn howto navigate consequences.
Because of life and theworld has consequences.
Not just your consequences in thefamily, but There's consequences

(07:00):
everywhere to our actions.
they need to be able to problemsolve, face some discomfort, and
see themselves bounce back from it.
It only takes a few times to beable to do that on your own, to be
like, wow, I do have this in me.
I'm stronger than Igave myself credit for.
I can do this.

(07:20):
But we want them to takeresponsibility for their choices.
And I know that you want thatultimately for them because if you
think about it, back when they werelearning how to walk, we don't carry
them everywhere so they don't fall.
We let them wobble, fall, cry,and try again and get back up.

(07:40):
That's how they build strength.
the same principle really does apply toemotional, spiritual, and life maturity.
your child needs thosemoments of struggle to grow.
I always say, think back to your ownlife and how many times in your own
life did you get through somethingthat you're like, I cannot believe I
ever got to the other side of that.
They need to be able tohave those memories too.

(08:02):
And just remember that lettinggo doesn't mean you're giving up.
You are stepping out ofthe way so God can step in.
I hope that helped you today.
I will see you in the next episode.
God bless.