Why Your Adult Child Calls You a Narcissist (Even If You’re Not)

Has your adult child accused you of being a narcissist—or said you’re toxic, controlling, or manipulative? It’s devastating to hear those words, especially when you gave your all as a mom. In this episode, we unpack the real reasons behind these painful accusations. From social media influence to emotional language gaps between generations, we’ll explore what’s really going on—and why it may have more to do with their pain than your parenting. You’re not alone, and you’re not beyond hope.

💬 If you're feeling stuck, blamed, or emotionally exhausted—book a free discovery call with me. It's not a coaching session—it's a real conversation about the kind of support that can finally bring you peace.

READY TO TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP? Book a discovery call for a consultation.👇 Discovery call link: https://calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Mom, I know this hurts.
I know you raised them.
You love them.
You sacrificed and now they're callingyou narcissistic, toxic, controlling.
Those are the three big ones, right?
And you're left wondering,was I really that bad?
And this video, I wanna walk throughsome things that are really happening

(00:21):
beneath that label of narcissism.
Toxicity and control and whyit may have nothing to do with
who you truly are as a mom.
So I have four points foryou today, so let's dive in.
Number one, as I'm sure you can imagine,is there are repeating buzzwords.

(00:43):
So we all know with the hype ofsocial media the way it is today.
The way our world is, there's a lot ofbuzzwords that people just throw around.
Right.
I know.
I don't even have to tell you this.
Sometimes it is coming from,
A therapist who is not having thewhole family in the best interest.
maybe only considering herclient and not wanting to take

(01:06):
a look at the family as a whole.
So that's not always the case.
There's good therapists outthere, just like anything else.
where I see it coming from a lotas well is TikTok and Reddit,
believe it or not, we all know thewords like gaslighting, narcissism.
Emotional abuse, it's everywhere.

(01:26):
People are throwing it around, theydon't even know what it means, your
child may be copying what they hearonline or they're hearing it from
friends, But these terms sound clinical.
They sound smart, but most young adultsusing them have zero context or training
in regards to what it really is.
They're just uncomfortablefor whatever reason.

(01:46):
Now, keep in mind here,I'm very well aware.
That narcissism is a real thing.
There's a lot of moms dealing withthis, and it might be with a son-in-law,
daughter-in-law, but this video isfor you as a mom who your child is
saying that's you, right to your child.
Normal parenting boundaries feel likemanipulation as they get into their

(02:07):
late teens and adulthood becauseif you're, especially if you're, if
they're still in your home or you'retrying to navigate a hard relationship
and you put up some boundaries.
Of course they're gonna call you toxic.
It's manipulation.
To you.
It was structure and loveand some discipline, right?
one thing I would ask yourselfis, how did you go from being
their protector to the villain?

(02:29):
I'm sure you're asking yourself that.
I believe the answer is that theydon't understand the difference
between discomfort and danger.
they label both the same.
There's a lot of families that are.
Experiencing real emotional abuse, right?
And, and worse.
And, that is, that danger that thosepeople are in does not compare to some

(02:52):
discomfort that the average family inthe world really is dealing with right
now with all of this estrangement.
And so I want you to keep in mind, thedifference between discomfort and danger.
They don't know the difference.
They're probably noteven thinking about it.
The label makes sense to them on howthey're really feeling right now.
So they label both the same.

(03:13):
Number two is they're speakingfrom their pain, not a diagnosis.
So when your child is saying, you'rea narcissist mom, They're not always
making this medical judgment And Ithink you know that, but it still hurts.
They're trying to make senseof how they felt growing up,
and so they're going backwards.
maybe they felt unheard.

(03:33):
Maybe they felt overly controlled ormisunderstood so now they have this label
that they can name something painful,even if it's untrue or exaggerated.
Again, that does not take away fromthose dealing with true narcissism
or toxicity, but it's not about whoyou are now it's about, it's about

(03:53):
how they are processing the past.
They're only using social mediatools, Unfortunately, that pain
is often projected onto parents.
if you're walking on eggshells,feeling blamed, emotionally stuck in
shame, that does not belong to you.
I wanna invite you to something different.

(04:13):
I offer discovery calls for momswho are looking for more, they're
wanting more support in their life tobe able to navigate this hard path.
So it's a real conversation thatyou and I would have, and it's an
opportunity to see if we're a good fit.
And so that link for the discoverycall will be in the show notes below.

(04:36):
Number three, I know this is gonna shockyou, but they found a crowd who agrees.
And if that's not the truth, right?
People go towards people whoagree with them, and that's
our entire history, I believe.
Once your adult child finds someone else,whether it's in person or online, that
says, yes, that happened to me too, thatlabel becomes truth because then they're

(05:01):
able to put an answer to whatever's goingon in their mind and their perception of
something, and there's no balance in that.
And no one's asking them, wasyour mom really narcissistic or
were there just some hard seasons?
they're just looking for validation.
The reason I'm talking about thisis I have a lot of moms that I serve
that have been told this, and I don'tbelieve that they are, nor were they.

(05:26):
this is the perspective of an adult son ordaughter who really has no training in it.
Um, and, and not looking forthat balance perspective.
that's why I'm doing this video for youbecause I see the pain in these moms.
many times our kids are being praisedfor breaking these generational
cycles, And the more that they'rebeing praised for that, the less likely

(05:48):
they are to look at the full picture.
So moms often feel like there'sno room even for my version of
the story, Because the internethas already written it for them.
And that is, that is a shame.
That is definitely a shame.
And lastly, number four.
They see it through a new lens.
You know, you were raised to bestrong and do what had to be done.

(06:14):
Many of you were single moms.
Maybe you didn't have thebest upbringing yourself.
Maybe you were in a hard marriageand maybe life was good too.
But either way, our kids are beingraised in an age of feelings first,
Therapy terms, diagnosis, identity,language, all of this stuff.
And it's like what you saw as helping.

(06:35):
They're saying is controlling what youcalled love and how you raised them.
They're calling trauma it's notthat you failed, it's that you speak
these different languages and rightnow in the place that they're at,
in their world, they don't knowhow to translate your language.

(06:56):
And who thought we would ever be here?
you're not alone and you're not crazyfor feeling heartbroken over this.
But I want you to just keep in mind thatif you are still hearing this or you
have heard it in the past and you'rehanging onto it, you may not be perfect.
In fact, I know you're not becausethere's no such thing, but you do deserve
a space to heal without constantlyquestioning your worth as a mother and

(07:17):
everything that you ever did for them.
I hope this helps you even just a littlebit, and I'll see you in the next episode.
God bless.