Boundaries Are Not Barriers: Redefining Limits as Acts of Care

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Summary

In this conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe explores the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, emphasizing that boundaries are not about rejection but about protection and sustainability. She discusses the guilt associated with saying no, the need for clear communication, and how boundaries can actually strengthen connections rather than weaken them. Through practical advice and insights, Dr. Lowe encourages listeners to view boundaries as a means of fostering healthier relationships and self-respect.

Key Takeaways

• Boundaries are essential for sustainability in relationships.
• Saying no is not a rejection but a recognition of limits.
• Guilt often arises from confusing self-respect with selfishness.
• Clear communication of needs strengthens relationships.
• Boundaries should be seen as invitations, not punishments.
• Avoiding boundaries leads to confusion and resentment.
• Practicing boundaries requires clarity and care in communication.
• Boundaries help maintain connection rather than create distance.
• Growth comes with discomfort, especially in setting boundaries.
• Boundaries are bridges that foster deeper connections.

References

• Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.
• Orbuch, T. L. (2009). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Delacorte Press.
• Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

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Episode Transcript

Dr. Shay (00:01):
Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn

(00:22):
tension into transformationthrough clarity, connection, and
consistency.
I'm your host, Dr.
Nashay Lowe, and this is aspace where we explore what's
really underneath the momentsthat challenge us and how they
can lead to something morehonest, more human, and more
whole.
So let's get into it.
Today, we're unpackingsomething that makes a lot of

(00:42):
people uncomfortable, but in thebest, most necessary way,
boundaries.
Not ultimatums, not walls, notpunishments, boundaries.
In the next four segments, Iwant to talk about why so many
of us struggle to set them, whatstories we attach to them, and
how we can begin seeing them notas rejection, but as

(01:04):
protection.
And not as selfishness, but assustainability in relationships.
So if you've ever felt guiltyfor saying no, if you've ever
been told that you were too muchor not enough for honoring your
own limits, this episode's foryou.
Segment one.
The guilt and shame of sayingno.

(01:25):
Let's start with the hard part.
Why it's so difficult to evensay what we need.
Many of us were raised toprioritize harmony, helpfulness,
and humility, especially womenand especially people raised in
collectivist or highresponsibility households.
You might have internalized theidea that being a good person

(01:47):
means always being available.
That kindness meansflexibility.
and that love means endurance.
But research from Dr.
Brene Brown and others studyingboundaries shows something very
different.
In fact, Brown writes, quote,clear is kind, unclear is

(02:08):
unkind, unquote.
Avoiding boundaries doesn'tprevent harm, it delays clarity,
it creates confusion, and oftenit leads to a buildup of
resentment, burnout, and silentwithdrawal.
Saying no or not right nowisn't a rejection of someone
else.
It's a recognition of your ownbandwidth and your desire to

(02:32):
stay connected withoutcollapsing.
Boundaries aren't harsh,they're honest.
But guilt shows that becausewe've confused self-respect with
selfishness.
So here's a helpful reframe.
Guilt asks, am I doingsomething wrong?
But often what we're actuallyfeeling is discomfort from doing

(02:53):
something new.
And growth always comes withdiscomfort.
Segment two, boundaries areinvitations, not punishments.
Here's the shift I want tooffer.
Boundaries are not aboutkeeping people out.
They're about showing peoplehow to come closer in a way that

(03:15):
works.
When framed with care,boundaries say, I want to keep
showing up for this and this ishow I can do that well.
I want to stay connected andhere's what that requires for
me.
Or I want to be honest with youand with myself.
Boundaries invite alignment.

(03:38):
They say, here's what mattersto me and here's how I can
participate in a way that honorsthat.
Research and interpersonalcommunication supports this,
especially the work of Dr.
Terry Orbuch, who studiedlong-term relationships for
decades.
She found that clearcommunication of needs, limits,

(03:59):
and emotional rhythmsstrengthens relationships over
time, not weakens them.
Couples, coworkers, andcollaborators who practice
direct but respectfulcommunication tend to sustain
higher trust, reduce conflict,and more consistent connection.
but that means learning how tospeak up before we're at our

(04:19):
limit.
Not at the breaking point, butbefore the rupture.
We don't wait until a pot boilsover to turn down the heat.
Boundaries are that moment ofadjusting the temperature.
Segment three, communicatingboundaries with clarity and

(04:40):
care.
Here's where most of us getstuck.
We want to express our limits,but we don't know how to do it
without sounding abrupt orinconsiderate.
It's not about accusing,blaming, or justifying.
It's about narrating your owncapacity and intentions.
And when you lead with clarityand care, you're less likely to

(05:05):
invite defensiveness.
You're modeling what you'rehoping to build, a space where
honesty is welcome.
But you have to keep in mind,is a two-way street.
Segment four, boundaries as aform of connection.
Let's end with the realitythat's easy to forget.

(05:25):
Boundaries are not aboutdistance, they're about
direction.
They tell people, here's thepath that works best for us to
keep walking together.
They're not punishments,they're not cold or cruel,
They're how we show up withsteadiness instead of resentment

(05:46):
and with presence instead ofpretense.
Setting a boundary is saying, Icare enough to be clear.
And that clarity builds trust,not just with others, but with
yourself.
Dr.
Nedra Tawwab, a therapist andboundaries expert, says it this
way.
Boundaries are expectations andneeds that help you feel

(06:10):
comfortable in yourrelationships.
And that's really the point.
You're not meant to disappearinside your connection.
You're meant to show up fullyinside of them.
So here's what I want to leaveyou with.
Think of one place in your lifewhere you've been feeling
pulled, overextended, or quietlyresentful.
And ask yourself, what am Ineeding here that I haven't

(06:35):
expressed?
And what kind of clarity mightactually make this relationship
stronger?
Then, if it helps, try writingit out.
Try speaking it out loud andpractice what it would sound
like to honor your own limits.
Not to push others away, but tobring yourself closer to the
kind of connection you actuallywant.

(06:55):
Because boundaries aren'tbarriers, they're bridges.
As always, thank you forjoining me today in the
Resolution Room.
I'm grateful you're here doingthis work alongside me.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to please
share.
And until next time, keepbuilding in the quiet because

(07:17):
that's what will carry youforward.