June 4, 2025 • 32 mins
In this enlightening conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe and Brendalyn Carpenter Player explore the often misunderstood world of introversion. They discuss the journey of embracing one's introverted nature as a strength rather than a weakness, the societal pressures that shape self-perception, and the unique strengths that introverts bring to relationships and workplaces. Brendalyn shares her personal story of transformation and offers practical advice for introverts to take up space authentically while emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and setting boundaries. The discussion also highlights how extroverts can better support their introverted counterparts, fostering a more inclusive environment for all.
Key Takeaways
- Being an introvert can feel like swimming upstream.
- Cultural expectations shape our self-perception.
- Honoring your natural pace deepens relationships.
- Introverts are often seen as less valuable in visible roles.
- Self-awareness is crucial for introverts.
- Introverts excel in analytical and problem-solving tasks.
- Setting boundaries is essential for self-care.
- Self-compassion allows introverts to stand in their truth.
- Extroverts can help introverts feel included and valued.
- Introverts bring depth and reflection to conversations.
Thanks for listening in! This work is easier when we do it together.
🎙 Episode Brought to You By:
Dr. Nashay Lowe, Founder of Lowe Insights Consulting
🌐 www.loweinsights.com | 📧 hello@loweinsights.com | 🔗 Connect on here!
If you’d like me to bring this conversation to your stage, let’s connect at www.loweinsights.com/speaking-engagements-thought-leadership
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/aavirall/soft-waves-forming
License code: YHLX3CWSWGWNCJZT
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Shay (00:01):
Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn
(00:22):
tension into transformationthrough clarity, connection, and
consistency.
I'm your host, Dr.
Nashay Lowe, and this is aspace where we explore what's
really underneath the momentsthat challenge us and how they
can lead to something morehonest, more human, and more
whole.
So let's get into it.
In a world that often mistakesvolume for value, being an
(00:44):
introvert can feel like swimmingupstream.
But what if your quiet natureisn't a weakness to overcome,
but a strength to embrace?
So in this episode, I sit downwith author, speaker, and coach,
Brendalyn Carpenter-Player, toexplore what it really means to
be an unapologetic introvert.
We're going to unpack the mythsabout introversion, how
(01:06):
cultural expectations shape ourself-perception, and how
honoring your natural pace canactually deepen your
relationships and leadership.
Whether you're an introvertedperson yourself or love someone
who is, this conversationinvites all of us to rethink
what it means to take up space.
Ms.
Brendalyn, if you could pleaseintroduce yourself.
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (01:27):
My name is Brendalyn
Carpenter-Player, and I am thefounder of a coaching and
consulting firm, UnapologeticIntrovert.
I help professionals transformhow their authentic leadership
looks, sounds, and feels in theworkplace.
In short, I help theintrospective deliver value in
(01:50):
their natural, authentic selves.
Dr. Shay (01:53):
I love that.
And what inspired you to ownthe title of Unapologetic
Introverts?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (02:01):
Well, my own personal experience.
I mean, I realized through anunexpected health scare that
that I had been masking myintroversion for nearly 20 years
of my entire career.
What started in childhood as mejust being a quiet kid
(02:24):
developed into a really, reallystrong leaning toward
introversion.
And because of that, I realizedthat that impacted every
decision that I made throughoutmy lifetime.
And let me explain that alittle bit further.
I have cerebral palsy, whichcauses spasticity in the right
(02:48):
side of my face, my hand, and acouple of other extremities on
my right side.
However, as a child, havingsomething that doesn't look like
your siblings, I have threeolder sisters and two younger
brothers, made me feel like Iwas broken.
Dr. Shay (03:06):
Okay.
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (03:06):
And I already had a temperament,
which is what introversion is, atemperament to be quiet.
And so I use that temperamentto hide or tuck away my feeling
of being broken.
I hid it inside introversion,which only made me lean into it
(03:28):
even further.
Didn't realize that that's whatwas happening until much later
in life as a professional, whenI started to excel in my career
and grow as a leader, I realizedthat I wasn't being true to
(03:48):
myself, fully introverted, butalso fully present.
And I didn't understand why itfelt so uncomfortable Fast
forward from childhood to now,not understanding why I was
uncomfortable for so many years,I had a second stroke.
And this one, thankfully, andwas a couple of years ago, did
(04:14):
not have long-term impacts and Iwas so thankful for that.
But what it did was I had anepiphany in the hospital bed
where I saw myself that I wasn'tliving fully and completely as
myself.
It was as if I was wearing asuit jacket or a suit or
(04:38):
clothing that didn't fit me theentire time.
From that moment, and I took aphoto of myself in the hospital
room when the doctor said thatI'd had a stroke.
One, I was grateful.
that the second time I was notimpacted long term.
Two, I was grateful that I hadanother chance to do it right.
(05:02):
And I left the hospital withthe determination to change the
way that I was approaching mylife.
And I was gonna do it moreauthentically.
And that's where the nameUnapologetic Introvert started.
Dr. Shay (05:23):
That is so beautiful.
And thank you for just being soopen and vulnerable, sharing
your story like that.
I really do appreciate it.
And so thinking about, again,wearing that sort of outfit that
didn't fit you, how have youseen societal expectations
around extroversion affect theway introverts view themselves?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (05:44):
One of the things that I did when I
left the hospital room was tostart my own search I found my
tribe, which was introverts,very confident in their
introversion, but also aroundpeople who spoke the same
language.
And that's when I realized whatwas different in my environment
(06:09):
and the things that I feltinadequate about as an introvert
in the professional space.
I felt inadequate if I didn'tspeak up more.
I felt inadequate if I didn'tfeel like sitting in the front
row.
I felt inadequate if I didn'ttake my seat at the table, even
though I belong there.
(06:30):
But that was part of theintroversion and the negative
connotation that introvertssometime absorb from being in
environments where you are themost visible person is the most
valued person.
Then we adjust and weautomatically will allow
(06:54):
ourselves to take a step back orto stay in the background
rather than push ourselvesbecause it's uncomfortable to be
seen and heard.
That's really the negativeconnotation and also the impact
of how societal expectationshave on introverts.
(07:15):
I'll give you another examplethat happened just recently.
I was a part of a leadershipprogram and members of my
cohort, I'd been around forseveral weeks.
One lady in particular, we gotinto a side conversation and I
mentioned to her what I do for aliving.
I coach other introverts,especially professionals.
(07:39):
And my brand is unapologeticintrovert.
Well, later that day, we weredoing our debrief because it was
the end of our leadershipprogram.
And she raised her hand and shesaid, well, not all of us are
introverts.
And she cut her eyes toward mequickly in a way.
(08:01):
And then she said, so when welead this particular forum, I
would really encourage us tospeak up about the great things
that have been done learned inthis environment and how we can
use it in our community.
My first thought was, why didshe feel like she needed to
(08:23):
qualify an introvert versus anextrovert?
Because we all have somethingvaluable to bring to the table.
And how did she know whether ornot I could be as impactful or
any other introvert can be asimpactful in that space as an
extrovert?
(08:43):
So what that told me is that'sa natural tendency.
It happens so often that wedon't even, introverts, we just
let it go by.
And either we let it go by andwe don't react, or we assume the
(09:04):
role that the expectation tellsus that we are.
And that means sitting in thebackground.
That's more of theuncomfortable feeling that I
experienced my entire career.
Dr. Shay (09:20):
Absolutely.
I can definitely relate.
I don't know how this gotestablished, but extroversion
definitely is the status quo inmost Western societies.
What are some overlookedstrengths then that introverts
bring to relationships,workplaces, and communities?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (09:40):
I love that.
Overlooked is the analyticalpart of introversion.
We're very detailed oriented.
And let me back up just alittle bit.
We all flow along that spectrumof introversion to
extroversion.
And there is a space in betweenthat most people recognize as
(10:02):
being ambivert.
And so there are some peoplewho are extremely introverted
who have created spaces alifestyle that honors that.
And then the majority of usflow in between.
So that's what we're talkingabout when we give a little bit
about the statistics ofintroverts.
Most introverts are like thisor that.
(10:24):
So some of the generalqualities of an introvert is we
are very detail oriented.
We are complex problem solvers.
We are extremely loyal.
We want the team to win.
(10:44):
We want our organization toexcel.
We like to see otherindividuals excel more than we
want to get the credit, theshine, those kinds of things.
We are more intuitive.
We are creatives andinnovators.
(11:05):
We are natural.
detail-oriented and complexproblem solvers.
And let me just give you acouple of statistics that I
love.
Introverted leaders drove 28%higher productivity from
proactive, engaged teamscompared to extroverted leaders.
(11:30):
That was in a Forbes magazinearticle.
Another recent article, Women'sOptometry Magazine, introverted
employees tend to be moreself-sufficient, reflective,
connected, self-aware, andresilient.
If we look at the introvertedleaders that we are aware of in
(11:57):
today's society, like the BillGates, the Warren Buffetts, we
can see some of thosecommonalities among them.
Their ability to really be deepthinkers and analytical and
process a lot of informationthat then they can, they have
(12:21):
the humility to not hoard it,but actually allow other people
to shine, to grow, to excel intheir careers and lives.
They build humility.
Whereas extroverts tend to wantto have the visibility, get the
(12:43):
credit, be standing out more.
Those are major differences.
Introverted leaders excel inadaptive, innovative
environments.
They are more likely to lead byexample.
they are less reactive and moreproactive.
Dr. Shay (13:10):
I've never been so proud to be an introvert.
You brought up the way we takeup space, right?
So I guess in your work, how doyou encourage introverts to
take up space in a way thatstill feels aligned with who
they are and it's not in aperformative way?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (13:33):
First of all, and I would encourage
them to go through the sameprocess that I went through, and
that is the self-awareness andthe self-acceptance part.
I think it's really importantfor introverts to understand the
(13:53):
nature of their own personalintroversion.
because we are all different inhow it shows up in our lives.
Some introverts are, they aresocial and then they have a time
limit and they need to take abreak and re-energize.
And others are just not social.
It's just not comfortable forthem and they found a way.
(14:17):
to interact in their space andenvironment.
So I would say, first of all,do the self-awareness process.
Find out the nature of yourown, how you feel as an
introvert and what your personalneeds are as an introvert.
And then accept it.
When I say accept it, I meanthat it's not an either or.
It's a both and.
(14:38):
I'm an introvert and I'm anintrovert.
I am very much able to get outin front of people and be a
great speaker and a greatleader.
So it's a both and.
So that's the next part, theself-acceptance part.
And then I have a process thatI like to take people through,
(14:59):
which is practice strategicpositioning.
For example, if you're in ameeting or in a networking
session or in a social space,choose how you want to show up.
in that space.
Plan before you enter thespace.
That's the second thing.
Plan to do one or two things sothat you ensure that your time
(15:22):
in that space is memorable andvaluable for you and for the
people that you interact with.
The third thing would be to beauthentic.
Don't force anything.
Don't try to be like anyoneexcept yourself.
Be honest about how you feel,who you are.
(15:45):
And if you're uncomfortable,say you're uncomfortable because
I promise you I've done itmany, many times.
I've learned just to be honest.
And the person I'm talking withis usually very relieved to be
able to let their guard down andsay, this is a bit much.
I can't wait till this is over.
(16:05):
I'm going to go recharge.
What do we hear most of thetime?
I'm just peopled out.
That's a common phrase.
It really does allow the otherperson to feel comfortable, to
just be honest and have areally, and this is where the
conversations deepen.
Once you open up that honestyand you create a space for
(16:29):
transparency, and that leadsinto the fourth thing, which is
practice pivoting.
And the reason I say that iswhen you're in a conversation
and you're in a networking mode,in a business mode.
You have some questions thatare usually your small talk kind
of questions.
How are you doing?
How was your weekend?
(16:50):
That kind of thing.
Use those questions as a pivotpoint.
The first question is yourentry.
Hey, how was your weekend?
And then pivot.
So how did you like thisparticular thing that you did
this weekend?
Or why did you choose to gohere or there?
Or what did you think about?
(17:12):
These kinds of questions, thehow, why, what kind of
questions, give you anopportunity to have a deeper
conversation with thatindividual and develop a rapport
with them that you might beable to use at a later date to
build a relationship.
You might find out some otherdetail about them that is a
(17:36):
connection that you would havenever learned before.
But the most important thing,if you don't do any of those
things, that individualappreciated being seen and
heard, and they will rememberthat conversation, and so will
you.
And you will lead thatengagement.
If you've done that, made acommitment to do one or two,
(17:58):
don't put yourself into too muchpressure.
You will lead their feeling lifeokay, I deserve to do my final
thing, which is your re-energizeor how you reward yourself for
taking up that space.
Dr. Shay (18:14):
I love those four tips.
They're like very practicaland, you know, easy to apply.
And I want to go back to onepart you said.
I like the phrase about beingall peopled out.
I've never personally heard it,but I like it.
It definitely sums up thefeeling.
Yeah.
So let's talk a little bitabout how that aligns with
boundaries.
I feel like that's a tough one,right?
(18:36):
Because you don't want toalways be the person, or not
even just canceling, but justdeclining offers.
It's hard to continuously sayyes to things that do drain you
in ways that other people mightnot understand.
I know myself, my God, I thinkit was a couple of weeks ago, I
had a lunch during the week,maybe two dinners, and I was
(18:57):
like, When did I become sopopular?
Because this is like killingme.
And so I guess, you know, in ahealthy way and in a kind way,
how do you set those boundarieswhen you are, you know,
especially if your circle isn'tas introverted as you?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (19:15):
Well, I think one is I want to go
back to the honesty thing.
We do need to practiceself-care.
First is being honest aboutwhere you are, your position,
what your timeline looks like,that kind of thing.
And we introverts tend tooverextend ourselves.
(19:36):
We tend to overperform.
We tend to overcommit becausewe feel like we need to measure
up.
And that's absolutely not true.
Because I've never...
Absolutely.
And feeling obligated to dosomething.
And if I don't show up, if Idon't do this, then what if
that?
Well, if you look at it fromthe other perspective, I don't
(19:59):
know any extroverts that haveever felt like they needed to
apologize for being who theyare.
But introverts more so thanextroverts tend to feel like we
have to apologize.
And we don't.
We just need to be fullypresent and fully ourselves and
(20:19):
say, hey, I've got about threethings scheduled this week.
That's about my limit.
Can we reschedule at anothertime?
That's very easy.
It's honest.
And it will allow the otherperson to shift to the other
space with you.
(20:39):
The other thing is settingboundaries.
There's something unique thatI've learned.
in my time in coaching is,especially for young women
professionals, if they don'thave a mentor who has shown them
how to set boundaries,introverts are typically the
(21:01):
individuals who get bullied inthe workplace, who have a
challenge of pushing back whensomeone is encroaching upon
their boundaries because they'reused to being quiet.
And others, when they see quietas a weakness or as an
(21:25):
opportunity for them to expressthemselves or extend themselves
beyond where they should, for ayoung professional who hasn't
learned how to set boundaries,that's a challenge.
And one of the things that I doin my practice is to give them
the language and the support tosay, no, no, no.
(21:47):
When someone has challengedyour ability to do your job that
you have been qualified to do,that you have been hired to do,
that's in your positiondescription to do, then you are,
not only is it you arepermitted to, it is your
responsibility.
to speak up and to setstandards.
(22:08):
You would be amazed at how manypeople are helped by just being
able to understand that that'shappening because we do it.
We're so used to just trying toget by, to have the awareness
of when that's happening andthen have tools to respond when
(22:30):
those things happen.
It's a game changer.
Dr. Shay (22:34):
Going back again to something you were talking about
with the honesty with oneself,right?
What role does self-compassionplay in being unapologetic about
your nature?
I
Brendalyn Carpenter Pl (22:46):
consider self-compassion as being part
of the unapologetic part ofintroversion, that you give
yourself space and permission tobe completely who you are And
not feel as though you have toconstantly excuse what your
(23:12):
natural tendencies are and whatyour needs are.
Placing the needs of othersabove your own, which introverts
have done before.
And the only reason that I cansay that is because I did it.
As an employee and as a leader,and you probably based on your
reaction, have done it as well.
(23:33):
Feeling as though, well, youknow, they are the popular or
most visible or more vocal ormore charismatic or those kinds
of things.
For those reasons, I'm going tolet them have that space, have
that time, get that opportunity.
And we end up feeling guiltybecause we did not.
(23:55):
speak up at a time where weshould have.
We, because we are deepthinkers and we're in the room,
we're at the table, in theboardroom, in the staff room,
and the conversation is beinghad, the discussion is occurring
and we have input, but our deepthinking processing mind is
continuing to process as theconversation has moved on to
(24:18):
another subject.
Do we give ourself thecompassion to say it's okay?
In this moment, we can circleback around.
And before the end of thisdiscussion, when they say, hey,
does anyone else have somethingto say?
Push your hand up and say, yes,I do.
I want to return to this topic.
(24:39):
And here's another thing aboutself-compassion.
For us to not take on the guiltand also look at what we bring
to the table.
Make sure that we are...
presenting our value in ourspace, that's also
(24:59):
self-compassion because we'velearned because we're quiet
people, we don't lack attention,that it's okay for other people
to shine.
And that's, it's all right.
We are loyal and we are verystrong team players.
But when we interact with It'snot necessarily that we want to
(25:20):
shine.
We want to educate.
So when we're circling backaround in that staff meeting, we
are providing value.
We are saying, hey, I want toensure that this organization is
improving and have youconsidered this.
I want to make sure that thisgets included in the
(25:40):
conversation just in case it hasan impact.
It's not for our own benefit.
It's for the organization.
It's for the individual I'mtalking with.
It's for their benefit as well.
But that's part of theself-compassion.
The other part is givingourselves permission to stand
(26:03):
out and to stand in our truthand not feeling like because we
are introverted, that we do nothave a place, a seat at the
table, a place in the room, aplace out front.
Give ourselves the compassionto stand up, stand out, and be
(26:27):
present in all of the spaces.
It's okay.
Dr. Shay (26:34):
And if we were to...
give some advice or guidancefor people who aren't
introverts?
How do you think extroverts canhelp better support and respect
the introverts in their lives?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (26:50):
I love this question.
I felt like for a while I wasan extrovert magnet.
I feel like I am an extrovertmagnet.
One of the things that happensto me regularly is when I build
relationships, some of myclosest friends are introverts.
and we make an amazing team.
We love spending time togetherbecause of the excitement.
(27:13):
Number one, it seems like myextroverted friends love the
idea of helping me experiencelife from their perspective.
And then I enjoy the idea ofstretching a little bit further
outside of my comfort zone.
So it just works well together.
Professionally, It's an amazingpartnership.
(27:37):
Let me share with you some ofthe ways that that has worked
for me.
I've been in the professionalarena networking for some years
now, and I have greatcolleagues.
Some of them are extrovertedcolleagues.
What they normally do, and youprobably experienced this as
well, they're very connectedindividuals.
(28:01):
And they usually say, hey,Brendalynn, I need you to come
and meet this person or thatperson, and they will connect me
with someone and then walkaway.
And then it's my responsibilityto build that relationship.
Has that happened for you allthe time?
See what I'm saying?
That's that introvert-extrovertpartnership that I think works
(28:25):
so well together.
Because one thing that thattells you is your extroverted
friend, colleague, they trustyou explicitly because their
friendships, theirrelationships, they regard
highly and they trust you tobuild on.
They're exposing you to people,experiences, access to
(28:51):
organizations that they trustyou with.
It's the same thing for largertype organizations and being in
those organizations when youhave teams that understand that
some of the members areintroverted and some are
extroverts.
(29:11):
There's usually one or two thatwill make sure that everyone
gets involved.
That everyone that, oh, wehaven't heard from this person
or that person.
And so this is how extrovertedindividuals can be more
impactful with those who arequiet and those who are
(29:34):
introspective.
Make sure that thoseindividuals are contributing.
Give them the opportunity tohave something to say.
And also don't miss out.
the great opportunity toreceive additional really well
thought out contributions fromtheir really thoughtful,
(29:56):
introspective, introvertedcolleagues and coworkers.
Dr. Shay (30:04):
I love that.
I love that.
Wow.
Well, you know, Brenda Lynn, Ican sit here and talk to you all
day.
This has been such an amazingconversation.
I knew the moment I met youthat this was going to have to
be an episode.
Thank you so much for comingon.
Can you let the audience knowwhere to follow you and your
work?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (30:22):
Yes, yes, yes.
Please follow me on my website,unapologeticintrovert.com.
That's easy.
I would love to...
share with you all that Ipublished a book.
My book is titled UnapologeticIntrovert.
It's time to unlock your quietpower and thrive.
(30:44):
It is basically my journey.
It talks about my journey fromchildhood through my
professional life, understandingand accepting my introversion
as the superpower it truly is.
Dr. Shay (30:59):
Amazing.
So as we close, I hope thisconversation has helped reframe
what it means to be seen, heard,and valued.
Being an introvert isn'tsomething to fix.
It's a way of being that offersdepth, reflection, and calm in
a world that often rushes pastnuance.
Brendan reminded us thathonoring your natural rhythm
(31:21):
isn't selfish, it'sself-respect.
And when we stop apologizingfor who we are, we actually
create more honest andmeaningful connections.
As always, thank you forjoining me today in the
Resolution Room.
I'm grateful you're here doingthis work alongside me.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to please
share.
And until next time, keepbuilding in the quiet because
(31:44):
that's what will carry youforward.
Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn
(00:22):
tension into transformationthrough clarity, connection, and
consistency.
I'm your host, Dr.
Nashay Lowe, and this is aspace where we explore what's
really underneath the momentsthat challenge us and how they
can lead to something morehonest, more human, and more
whole.
So let's get into it.
In a world that often mistakesvolume for value, being an
(00:44):
introvert can feel like swimmingupstream.
But what if your quiet natureisn't a weakness to overcome,
but a strength to embrace?
So in this episode, I sit downwith author, speaker, and coach,
Brendalyn Carpenter-Player, toexplore what it really means to
be an unapologetic introvert.
We're going to unpack the mythsabout introversion, how
(01:06):
cultural expectations shape ourself-perception, and how
honoring your natural pace canactually deepen your
relationships and leadership.
Whether you're an introvertedperson yourself or love someone
who is, this conversationinvites all of us to rethink
what it means to take up space.
Ms.
Brendalyn, if you could pleaseintroduce yourself.
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (01:27):
My name is Brendalyn
Carpenter-Player, and I am thefounder of a coaching and
consulting firm, UnapologeticIntrovert.
I help professionals transformhow their authentic leadership
looks, sounds, and feels in theworkplace.
In short, I help theintrospective deliver value in
(01:50):
their natural, authentic selves.
Dr. Shay (01:53):
I love that.
And what inspired you to ownthe title of Unapologetic
Introverts?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (02:01):
Well, my own personal experience.
I mean, I realized through anunexpected health scare that
that I had been masking myintroversion for nearly 20 years
of my entire career.
What started in childhood as mejust being a quiet kid
(02:24):
developed into a really, reallystrong leaning toward
introversion.
And because of that, I realizedthat that impacted every
decision that I made throughoutmy lifetime.
And let me explain that alittle bit further.
I have cerebral palsy, whichcauses spasticity in the right
(02:48):
side of my face, my hand, and acouple of other extremities on
my right side.
However, as a child, havingsomething that doesn't look like
your siblings, I have threeolder sisters and two younger
brothers, made me feel like Iwas broken.
Dr. Shay (03:06):
Okay.
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (03:06):
And I already had a temperament,
which is what introversion is, atemperament to be quiet.
And so I use that temperamentto hide or tuck away my feeling
of being broken.
I hid it inside introversion,which only made me lean into it
(03:28):
even further.
Didn't realize that that's whatwas happening until much later
in life as a professional, whenI started to excel in my career
and grow as a leader, I realizedthat I wasn't being true to
(03:48):
myself, fully introverted, butalso fully present.
And I didn't understand why itfelt so uncomfortable Fast
forward from childhood to now,not understanding why I was
uncomfortable for so many years,I had a second stroke.
And this one, thankfully, andwas a couple of years ago, did
(04:14):
not have long-term impacts and Iwas so thankful for that.
But what it did was I had anepiphany in the hospital bed
where I saw myself that I wasn'tliving fully and completely as
myself.
It was as if I was wearing asuit jacket or a suit or
(04:38):
clothing that didn't fit me theentire time.
From that moment, and I took aphoto of myself in the hospital
room when the doctor said thatI'd had a stroke.
One, I was grateful.
that the second time I was notimpacted long term.
Two, I was grateful that I hadanother chance to do it right.
(05:02):
And I left the hospital withthe determination to change the
way that I was approaching mylife.
And I was gonna do it moreauthentically.
And that's where the nameUnapologetic Introvert started.
Dr. Shay (05:23):
That is so beautiful.
And thank you for just being soopen and vulnerable, sharing
your story like that.
I really do appreciate it.
And so thinking about, again,wearing that sort of outfit that
didn't fit you, how have youseen societal expectations
around extroversion affect theway introverts view themselves?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (05:44):
One of the things that I did when I
left the hospital room was tostart my own search I found my
tribe, which was introverts,very confident in their
introversion, but also aroundpeople who spoke the same
language.
And that's when I realized whatwas different in my environment
(06:09):
and the things that I feltinadequate about as an introvert
in the professional space.
I felt inadequate if I didn'tspeak up more.
I felt inadequate if I didn'tfeel like sitting in the front
row.
I felt inadequate if I didn'ttake my seat at the table, even
though I belong there.
(06:30):
But that was part of theintroversion and the negative
connotation that introvertssometime absorb from being in
environments where you are themost visible person is the most
valued person.
Then we adjust and weautomatically will allow
(06:54):
ourselves to take a step back orto stay in the background
rather than push ourselvesbecause it's uncomfortable to be
seen and heard.
That's really the negativeconnotation and also the impact
of how societal expectationshave on introverts.
(07:15):
I'll give you another examplethat happened just recently.
I was a part of a leadershipprogram and members of my
cohort, I'd been around forseveral weeks.
One lady in particular, we gotinto a side conversation and I
mentioned to her what I do for aliving.
I coach other introverts,especially professionals.
(07:39):
And my brand is unapologeticintrovert.
Well, later that day, we weredoing our debrief because it was
the end of our leadershipprogram.
And she raised her hand and shesaid, well, not all of us are
introverts.
And she cut her eyes toward mequickly in a way.
(08:01):
And then she said, so when welead this particular forum, I
would really encourage us tospeak up about the great things
that have been done learned inthis environment and how we can
use it in our community.
My first thought was, why didshe feel like she needed to
(08:23):
qualify an introvert versus anextrovert?
Because we all have somethingvaluable to bring to the table.
And how did she know whether ornot I could be as impactful or
any other introvert can be asimpactful in that space as an
extrovert?
(08:43):
So what that told me is that'sa natural tendency.
It happens so often that wedon't even, introverts, we just
let it go by.
And either we let it go by andwe don't react, or we assume the
(09:04):
role that the expectation tellsus that we are.
And that means sitting in thebackground.
That's more of theuncomfortable feeling that I
experienced my entire career.
Dr. Shay (09:20):
Absolutely.
I can definitely relate.
I don't know how this gotestablished, but extroversion
definitely is the status quo inmost Western societies.
What are some overlookedstrengths then that introverts
bring to relationships,workplaces, and communities?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (09:40):
I love that.
Overlooked is the analyticalpart of introversion.
We're very detailed oriented.
And let me back up just alittle bit.
We all flow along that spectrumof introversion to
extroversion.
And there is a space in betweenthat most people recognize as
(10:02):
being ambivert.
And so there are some peoplewho are extremely introverted
who have created spaces alifestyle that honors that.
And then the majority of usflow in between.
So that's what we're talkingabout when we give a little bit
about the statistics ofintroverts.
Most introverts are like thisor that.
(10:24):
So some of the generalqualities of an introvert is we
are very detail oriented.
We are complex problem solvers.
We are extremely loyal.
We want the team to win.
(10:44):
We want our organization toexcel.
We like to see otherindividuals excel more than we
want to get the credit, theshine, those kinds of things.
We are more intuitive.
We are creatives andinnovators.
(11:05):
We are natural.
detail-oriented and complexproblem solvers.
And let me just give you acouple of statistics that I
love.
Introverted leaders drove 28%higher productivity from
proactive, engaged teamscompared to extroverted leaders.
(11:30):
That was in a Forbes magazinearticle.
Another recent article, Women'sOptometry Magazine, introverted
employees tend to be moreself-sufficient, reflective,
connected, self-aware, andresilient.
If we look at the introvertedleaders that we are aware of in
(11:57):
today's society, like the BillGates, the Warren Buffetts, we
can see some of thosecommonalities among them.
Their ability to really be deepthinkers and analytical and
process a lot of informationthat then they can, they have
(12:21):
the humility to not hoard it,but actually allow other people
to shine, to grow, to excel intheir careers and lives.
They build humility.
Whereas extroverts tend to wantto have the visibility, get the
(12:43):
credit, be standing out more.
Those are major differences.
Introverted leaders excel inadaptive, innovative
environments.
They are more likely to lead byexample.
they are less reactive and moreproactive.
Dr. Shay (13:10):
I've never been so proud to be an introvert.
You brought up the way we takeup space, right?
So I guess in your work, how doyou encourage introverts to
take up space in a way thatstill feels aligned with who
they are and it's not in aperformative way?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (13:33):
First of all, and I would encourage
them to go through the sameprocess that I went through, and
that is the self-awareness andthe self-acceptance part.
I think it's really importantfor introverts to understand the
(13:53):
nature of their own personalintroversion.
because we are all different inhow it shows up in our lives.
Some introverts are, they aresocial and then they have a time
limit and they need to take abreak and re-energize.
And others are just not social.
It's just not comfortable forthem and they found a way.
(14:17):
to interact in their space andenvironment.
So I would say, first of all,do the self-awareness process.
Find out the nature of yourown, how you feel as an
introvert and what your personalneeds are as an introvert.
And then accept it.
When I say accept it, I meanthat it's not an either or.
It's a both and.
(14:38):
I'm an introvert and I'm anintrovert.
I am very much able to get outin front of people and be a
great speaker and a greatleader.
So it's a both and.
So that's the next part, theself-acceptance part.
And then I have a process thatI like to take people through,
(14:59):
which is practice strategicpositioning.
For example, if you're in ameeting or in a networking
session or in a social space,choose how you want to show up.
in that space.
Plan before you enter thespace.
That's the second thing.
Plan to do one or two things sothat you ensure that your time
(15:22):
in that space is memorable andvaluable for you and for the
people that you interact with.
The third thing would be to beauthentic.
Don't force anything.
Don't try to be like anyoneexcept yourself.
Be honest about how you feel,who you are.
(15:45):
And if you're uncomfortable,say you're uncomfortable because
I promise you I've done itmany, many times.
I've learned just to be honest.
And the person I'm talking withis usually very relieved to be
able to let their guard down andsay, this is a bit much.
I can't wait till this is over.
(16:05):
I'm going to go recharge.
What do we hear most of thetime?
I'm just peopled out.
That's a common phrase.
It really does allow the otherperson to feel comfortable, to
just be honest and have areally, and this is where the
conversations deepen.
Once you open up that honestyand you create a space for
(16:29):
transparency, and that leadsinto the fourth thing, which is
practice pivoting.
And the reason I say that iswhen you're in a conversation
and you're in a networking mode,in a business mode.
You have some questions thatare usually your small talk kind
of questions.
How are you doing?
How was your weekend?
(16:50):
That kind of thing.
Use those questions as a pivotpoint.
The first question is yourentry.
Hey, how was your weekend?
And then pivot.
So how did you like thisparticular thing that you did
this weekend?
Or why did you choose to gohere or there?
Or what did you think about?
(17:12):
These kinds of questions, thehow, why, what kind of
questions, give you anopportunity to have a deeper
conversation with thatindividual and develop a rapport
with them that you might beable to use at a later date to
build a relationship.
You might find out some otherdetail about them that is a
(17:36):
connection that you would havenever learned before.
But the most important thing,if you don't do any of those
things, that individualappreciated being seen and
heard, and they will rememberthat conversation, and so will
you.
And you will lead thatengagement.
If you've done that, made acommitment to do one or two,
(17:58):
don't put yourself into too muchpressure.
You will lead their feeling lifeokay, I deserve to do my final
thing, which is your re-energizeor how you reward yourself for
taking up that space.
Dr. Shay (18:14):
I love those four tips.
They're like very practicaland, you know, easy to apply.
And I want to go back to onepart you said.
I like the phrase about beingall peopled out.
I've never personally heard it,but I like it.
It definitely sums up thefeeling.
Yeah.
So let's talk a little bitabout how that aligns with
boundaries.
I feel like that's a tough one,right?
(18:36):
Because you don't want toalways be the person, or not
even just canceling, but justdeclining offers.
It's hard to continuously sayyes to things that do drain you
in ways that other people mightnot understand.
I know myself, my God, I thinkit was a couple of weeks ago, I
had a lunch during the week,maybe two dinners, and I was
(18:57):
like, When did I become sopopular?
Because this is like killingme.
And so I guess, you know, in ahealthy way and in a kind way,
how do you set those boundarieswhen you are, you know,
especially if your circle isn'tas introverted as you?
Brendalyn Carpenter Playe (19:15):
Well, I think one is I want to go
back to the honesty thing.
We do need to practiceself-care.
First is being honest aboutwhere you are, your position,
what your timeline looks like,that kind of thing.
And we introverts tend tooverextend ourselves.
(19:36):
We tend to overperform.
We tend to overcommit becausewe feel like we need to measure
up.
And that's absolutely not true.
Because I've never...
Absolutely.
And feeling obligated to dosomething.
And if I don't show up, if Idon't do this, then what if
that?
Well, if you look at it fromthe other perspective, I don't
(19:59):
know any extroverts that haveever felt like they needed to
apologize for being who theyare.
But introverts more so thanextroverts tend to feel like we
have to apologize.
And we don't.
We just need to be fullypresent and fully ourselves and
(20:19):
say, hey, I've got about threethings scheduled this week.
That's about my limit.
Can we reschedule at anothertime?
That's very easy.
It's honest.
And it will allow the otherperson to shift to the other
space with you.
(20:39):
The other thing is settingboundaries.
There's something unique thatI've learned.
in my time in coaching is,especially for young women
professionals, if they don'thave a mentor who has shown them
how to set boundaries,introverts are typically the
(21:01):
individuals who get bullied inthe workplace, who have a
challenge of pushing back whensomeone is encroaching upon
their boundaries because they'reused to being quiet.
And others, when they see quietas a weakness or as an
(21:25):
opportunity for them to expressthemselves or extend themselves
beyond where they should, for ayoung professional who hasn't
learned how to set boundaries,that's a challenge.
And one of the things that I doin my practice is to give them
the language and the support tosay, no, no, no.
(21:47):
When someone has challengedyour ability to do your job that
you have been qualified to do,that you have been hired to do,
that's in your positiondescription to do, then you are,
not only is it you arepermitted to, it is your
responsibility.
to speak up and to setstandards.
(22:08):
You would be amazed at how manypeople are helped by just being
able to understand that that'shappening because we do it.
We're so used to just trying toget by, to have the awareness
of when that's happening andthen have tools to respond when
(22:30):
those things happen.
It's a game changer.
Dr. Shay (22:34):
Going back again to something you were talking about
with the honesty with oneself,right?
What role does self-compassionplay in being unapologetic about
your nature?
I
Brendalyn Carpenter Pl (22:46):
consider self-compassion as being part
of the unapologetic part ofintroversion, that you give
yourself space and permission tobe completely who you are And
not feel as though you have toconstantly excuse what your
(23:12):
natural tendencies are and whatyour needs are.
Placing the needs of othersabove your own, which introverts
have done before.
And the only reason that I cansay that is because I did it.
As an employee and as a leader,and you probably based on your
reaction, have done it as well.
(23:33):
Feeling as though, well, youknow, they are the popular or
most visible or more vocal ormore charismatic or those kinds
of things.
For those reasons, I'm going tolet them have that space, have
that time, get that opportunity.
And we end up feeling guiltybecause we did not.
(23:55):
speak up at a time where weshould have.
We, because we are deepthinkers and we're in the room,
we're at the table, in theboardroom, in the staff room,
and the conversation is beinghad, the discussion is occurring
and we have input, but our deepthinking processing mind is
continuing to process as theconversation has moved on to
(24:18):
another subject.
Do we give ourself thecompassion to say it's okay?
In this moment, we can circleback around.
And before the end of thisdiscussion, when they say, hey,
does anyone else have somethingto say?
Push your hand up and say, yes,I do.
I want to return to this topic.
(24:39):
And here's another thing aboutself-compassion.
For us to not take on the guiltand also look at what we bring
to the table.
Make sure that we are...
presenting our value in ourspace, that's also
(24:59):
self-compassion because we'velearned because we're quiet
people, we don't lack attention,that it's okay for other people
to shine.
And that's, it's all right.
We are loyal and we are verystrong team players.
But when we interact with It'snot necessarily that we want to
(25:20):
shine.
We want to educate.
So when we're circling backaround in that staff meeting, we
are providing value.
We are saying, hey, I want toensure that this organization is
improving and have youconsidered this.
I want to make sure that thisgets included in the
(25:40):
conversation just in case it hasan impact.
It's not for our own benefit.
It's for the organization.
It's for the individual I'mtalking with.
It's for their benefit as well.
But that's part of theself-compassion.
The other part is givingourselves permission to stand
(26:03):
out and to stand in our truthand not feeling like because we
are introverted, that we do nothave a place, a seat at the
table, a place in the room, aplace out front.
Give ourselves the compassionto stand up, stand out, and be
(26:27):
present in all of the spaces.
It's okay.
Dr. Shay (26:34):
And if we were to...
give some advice or guidancefor people who aren't
introverts?
How do you think extroverts canhelp better support and respect
the introverts in their lives?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (26:50):
I love this question.
I felt like for a while I wasan extrovert magnet.
I feel like I am an extrovertmagnet.
One of the things that happensto me regularly is when I build
relationships, some of myclosest friends are introverts.
and we make an amazing team.
We love spending time togetherbecause of the excitement.
(27:13):
Number one, it seems like myextroverted friends love the
idea of helping me experiencelife from their perspective.
And then I enjoy the idea ofstretching a little bit further
outside of my comfort zone.
So it just works well together.
Professionally, It's an amazingpartnership.
(27:37):
Let me share with you some ofthe ways that that has worked
for me.
I've been in the professionalarena networking for some years
now, and I have greatcolleagues.
Some of them are extrovertedcolleagues.
What they normally do, and youprobably experienced this as
well, they're very connectedindividuals.
(28:01):
And they usually say, hey,Brendalynn, I need you to come
and meet this person or thatperson, and they will connect me
with someone and then walkaway.
And then it's my responsibilityto build that relationship.
Has that happened for you allthe time?
See what I'm saying?
That's that introvert-extrovertpartnership that I think works
(28:25):
so well together.
Because one thing that thattells you is your extroverted
friend, colleague, they trustyou explicitly because their
friendships, theirrelationships, they regard
highly and they trust you tobuild on.
They're exposing you to people,experiences, access to
(28:51):
organizations that they trustyou with.
It's the same thing for largertype organizations and being in
those organizations when youhave teams that understand that
some of the members areintroverted and some are
extroverts.
(29:11):
There's usually one or two thatwill make sure that everyone
gets involved.
That everyone that, oh, wehaven't heard from this person
or that person.
And so this is how extrovertedindividuals can be more
impactful with those who arequiet and those who are
(29:34):
introspective.
Make sure that thoseindividuals are contributing.
Give them the opportunity tohave something to say.
And also don't miss out.
the great opportunity toreceive additional really well
thought out contributions fromtheir really thoughtful,
(29:56):
introspective, introvertedcolleagues and coworkers.
Dr. Shay (30:04):
I love that.
I love that.
Wow.
Well, you know, Brenda Lynn, Ican sit here and talk to you all
day.
This has been such an amazingconversation.
I knew the moment I met youthat this was going to have to
be an episode.
Thank you so much for comingon.
Can you let the audience knowwhere to follow you and your
work?
Brendalyn Carpenter Player (30:22):
Yes, yes, yes.
Please follow me on my website,unapologeticintrovert.com.
That's easy.
I would love to...
share with you all that Ipublished a book.
My book is titled UnapologeticIntrovert.
It's time to unlock your quietpower and thrive.
(30:44):
It is basically my journey.
It talks about my journey fromchildhood through my
professional life, understandingand accepting my introversion
as the superpower it truly is.
Dr. Shay (30:59):
Amazing.
So as we close, I hope thisconversation has helped reframe
what it means to be seen, heard,and valued.
Being an introvert isn'tsomething to fix.
It's a way of being that offersdepth, reflection, and calm in
a world that often rushes pastnuance.
Brendan reminded us thathonoring your natural rhythm
(31:21):
isn't selfish, it'sself-respect.
And when we stop apologizingfor who we are, we actually
create more honest andmeaningful connections.
As always, thank you forjoining me today in the
Resolution Room.
I'm grateful you're here doingthis work alongside me.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to please
share.
And until next time, keepbuilding in the quiet because
(31:44):
that's what will carry youforward.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com