March 9, 2025 • 47 mins
Summary
In this conversation, Diana shares her tumultuous journey through a strict upbringing, early rebellion, and a deep dive into substance abuse. She discusses her experiences with various drugs, the impact of her choices on her mental health, and the lessons learned along the way. Diana emphasizes the importance of focusing on personal growth and recovery, offering advice to young women about the dangers of the nightlife and substance use. Her story is one of resilience, hope, and the desire to help others through her future career as a substance abuse counselor.
Chapters
00:00 Diana's Journey: From Russia to Wisconsin
01:29 Struggles with Strict Upbringing and Early Rebellion
03:56 Teenage Years: First Love and Substance Experimentation
06:12 School Challenges and Social Dynamics
08:40 Exploring Drugs: Experiences and Perspectives
11:03 Spiritual Encounters and Beliefs
17:09 Reflections on Spiritual Warfare and Personal Beliefs
18:14 Spiritual Connections and Social Media
18:31 Experiences with Cocaine and Crack
20:46 The Culture of Substance Use
22:12 Recovery and Spirituality
24:40 The Dark Side of Addiction
25:27 Life with a Pimp
36:15 Advice for Young Women
36:25 Reflections on Recovery and Relationships
38:29 Navigating Relationships and Infidelity
40:38 Reflections on Past Relationships
42:58 Desires for Parenthood and Personal Growth
45:17 Lessons from Recovery and Personal Experiences
46:26 The Impact of Public Perception and Personal Stories
46:32 Exploring Key Themes and Insights
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What's happening with you?
(00:01):
This is the Rossi Gilmore podcast,
where we don't get no real in it,
don't come with a filter.
I am your host, Rossi Gilmore.
Oh, but today I have a very special guest.
I have a young lady telling her story
as a former prostitute, a former drug addict,
and a future abuse counselor.
(00:23):
This one is gonna be interesting, y'all tune in.
Here's what's gonna be a little kiss up.
(00:55):
Relax, relax, relax.
It's all good.
So first I'm gonna ask you,
what is your name and where are you from?
It's fine.
My name is Diana.
I'm from, well, I'm originally from Russia,
but I live in Wisconsin now.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
(01:16):
Okay, so I was born in Russia.
I was in an orphanage until I was seven,
because my mom, I guess like my real mom,
was born in a family of three.
Like my real mom had me when she was locked up or something.
I don't really know much.
So I moved to New Mexico.
I lived there until I was 18.
I mostly went to private, right?
I actually only went to private schools,
(01:38):
because my parents are super like,
at this point, I wasn't a huge Christian,
so I'm gonna say they were super religious,
but they were just actually just,
and wanted better for me.
But at the time I was like, they're super religious.
They didn't let me celebrate Halloween.
They didn't let me watch Harry Potter,
but they let me watch Lord of the Rings,
(02:00):
which is weird to me, but like I get it now.
They were kind of strict on me,
like a little too strict, I would say,
and I think they would probably agree now,
because we've talked about it,
but they didn't let me like really have sleepovers
or go to do things with other people.
Like they kind of sheltered the fuck out of me,
(02:21):
which I don't think was a good idea,
because I wanted to do like, when I turned 17,
I was already like smoking cigarettes, smoking weed,
which I mean, I guess like that's normal,
but like it was a little more for me.
So I was actually smoking cigarettes right before 17.
I think I started when I was 15, to be honest,
and I like used to steal their liquor and stuff
(02:43):
when I was like 13.
I remember like, we went to,
they call these things tinships or whatever.
I don't know if you know what those are,
but basically it's just them and their friends,
and they do like meals and Bible studies.
So at one point we had gone to one of their friends' houses,
and their friends had like this,
(03:05):
they were watching like their niece or something,
but their niece lived really close,
so me and their niece went to her house,
and we started drinking beer,
and I don't know, I only drank two, but I was fucked up.
And I think they knew too when they were driving me back,
because they didn't say anything,
but like just the way I was acting, I feel like they knew.
Yeah.
(03:26):
But anyway, so when I was 17,
I like this summer,
I went to Wisconsin to work for my cousin's restaurant,
and then I had met this guy,
like my first boyfriend I would say,
actually, because I didn't have boyfriends at the time,
and like we started smoking all the time,
just like we, so like nothing serious.
(03:49):
I also lost my virginity to him,
but I feel like in that way that it happened,
it was fucking like, it was like if I didn't do it,
he threw a hissy fit.
So I don't know, like I didn't like that,
that was fucked up, but that's how I lost my virginity.
So when I moved back to New Mexico,
basically I was turning 18 soon,
(04:11):
so when I turned 18,
I could actually remember like the day I turned 18,
like my dad called me because he has like,
like my curfew or whatever,
he was like, when are you coming home?
I'm like, what are you talking about, dude?
I'm an adult, like I am not coming home.
Like we had an argument about it, and I'm like, dad, I'm not,
like I'm sorry, like there's nothing you can do,
(04:32):
literally nothing you can do.
So that's when I started like, okay,
that's when I started doing Coke,
and it was like a lot.
It was like, it was, and I started doing ecstasy too,
but it was low ecstasy, like shrooms, alcohol,
we obviously plugged.
Okay, not that it's hard to come by, I mean, you know.
(04:56):
Yeah.
Well, my friend, basically he had his friend,
she had like homies that she would get it from,
and so we all started kicking it,
and so me, her and her boyfriend would always like,
go get, whoa, we would do it like in school,
we would do it in like, and it was like,
whole Christian high school, it was a very rich kid,
(05:20):
like no, yeah, it was like very proper,
like we had to wear uniforms,
like we had to wear collared shirts, like all that.
So, and I guess like my mouth was pretty big at the time
because I would go into like my first period science class
and I'd be like, oh my God, like my night was crazy,
like I would talk about it.
(05:41):
And then like, I guess the whole school kind of knew it
because one day I called, like I didn't show up
because I was sick, and my English teacher asked these two girls,
like where's Diana, and this one fuck boy, popular kid,
who I hate to this day, he literally was like,
oh, well, she's probably doing drugs.
(06:02):
He literally said that I was your snitch, but okay.
So she had pulled these two girls aside and basically like one of them
just like straight up pulled her everything, everything.
I'm like, damn, like all you guys are off for real.
But so the next day I came into school, my teacher, or no,
the vice principal had called me out of a class
(06:24):
and he was like, he was like, we know you're doing drugs,
like we have to search your bag, we have to drug test you.
And I'm like, well, you can search my bag,
but you're not going to drug test me.
Like guys, because you're not going to drug test me.
No, but you can, yeah, I smoke pot.
I said that, that's all I admitted to it.
I was like, yeah, I smoke pot, you're not going to drug test me, sorry.
(06:45):
And you can't legally drug test me because I'm an adult.
So basically I just got kicked out of that school
and I still was like partying and everything,
but it was like in, I don't want to say, I don't want to,
okay, so there's a place it's called like the war zone.
I chose to kick it there with the homies.
And like all my old friends, they will first, okay, backtrack.
(07:07):
So I got kicked out of that school
and then I went to my first public school
and it was like in not a nice area.
So I met people there, like I started skipping class,
like I skipped two consecutive weeks and they called, yeah,
I like I would go and I would go to the parking lot
and then I'd meet like my friends
(07:29):
and then I would tell my parents like, yeah, I'm in school.
So they called the house phone when I wasn't there
and they were like, your daughter hasn't been to school in two weeks
and my dad's like, just, what is it called?
I didn't get expelled, but I got my dad's like, just enroll her.
Yeah, yeah, they just enrolled me.
Oh, yeah, they just enrolled me like my old friends
(07:50):
that I used to kick it with, they didn't want to hang out with me either
because I was doing just like zumbos, like more than them.
Even though they were the ones that were like got me onto it,
like now I'm the problem because I'm doing more.
So let me let me ask you a question.
So I've only done Delta 8 and I mean, you know, my experience.
(08:11):
Delta 8 is black.
That's it.
I don't think it's real.
It's not.
It's a synthetic weed, right?
Right.
It put me in a hospital.
I've never done synthetic weed.
I mean, I've smoked Delta 8, but it's never put me in the hospital.
Yeah.
But this was my first time ever doing anything.
I don't know none of that.
This shit put me in a hospital and I was paralyzed for 12 hours.
(08:34):
That's crazy.
I don't know.
Paralyzed.
Was it laced with something?
That's what somebody said.
They was like, it may have been K2 or laced with K2 or something like that.
Yeah, K2.
I've never done K2, which is crazy because I've done everything else,
but K2, I was just like, nah, that's just wax.
Because I've heard like it makes you go into a promo trip sometimes
(08:56):
and I've seen how people are on it.
It doesn't seem like a good time.
It's very dangerous.
Yeah.
I mean, all drugs are dangerous, but I don't know.
K2 is.
Yeah, I don't, I bought mines from a mall from this Hispanic lady.
And I think back on it and she said she took more than one at one time
and she was like, it was the scariest thing in her life.
(09:18):
And I'm thinking, okay.
She didn't know what she bought probably because.
Who knows, man?
I just, this was my first time doing it.
I was just getting out of the military and I mean, I had crazy insomnia.
I wouldn't sleep for days.
The Marine Corps fucked my head up.
But I took it, was in the hospital for 12, I was in the hospital for two or three days
(09:39):
and they actually sent me to the site ward.
Yeah, I've been there.
I'll get to that.
I'll get to that.
So I know people take drugs and they have like scary trips.
What's the scariest trip you've ever had?
I can honestly say in my experience and it was only scary because I think it was the
person that I was with.
(10:01):
I told you about it, that one guy.
Yeah.
So we took shrooms and we started to fuck, right?
And I saw his face and it like morphed and okay, I don't even like talking about this
because like I was you get it.
But like I swear in my head, I was like talking to the devil kind of like, I don't think he
was saying anything back, but I only think that's because God because like I know like
(10:25):
from my whole entire life, like I feel like has been a lot of things that I've overcome
but I don't know if it's because God wanted me to overcome them or because like Satan
was like, I'm gonna try to fuck with this girl and hopefully she doesn't overcome them
or both.
But yeah, I think that was kind of the scariest because like, yeah, I've tripped but all my
(10:46):
shit's been like decent.
And I've never really even tested it, but like I know in Albuquerque, they got some pretty,
I mean, Mexico is right there.
So it's pretty good.
And in Green Bay, like most of like the Molly and shit, it's like mess.
Like they're called like, what are they?
They're like the ecstasy pills.
(11:08):
They're called something else because they're only just made of match pretty much.
But yeah, I don't think I really have like a, and that's probably, that's probably for
a reason that I've never had experience because I'm sure that it's probably just hindered
me more.
I wish I would have to be honest with you.
I do.
(11:29):
Yeah.
So have you ever, I had a buddy and I wanted to try this with my wife just as an experimental
thing, but I've heard horrific stories about DMT.
Really?
I had such a good time on DMT.
I've heard horror stories.
No, no.
Okay.
So for me, like I've done DMT one time and it was like the cart.
(11:54):
It wasn't like the whatever else people do because they make cars to it now.
So it's like a liquid that you, but it's like there is a certain way you have to like
press it or else it'll crystallize.
I don't know.
But anyway, I think the people that I was with, it was like we knew we were going to do it.
We were like in a good headspace.
I think we even prayed over it to be honest because the people that I was with, they were
(12:18):
like, like this one girl, she was very Christian and so was her man.
So they like trip, but they don't, they like, they almost do it to get closer to God.
Whereas I get it.
Which I know that's the same.
I know that's going to be like, but it's a drug, but I don't know.
But anyway, it was honestly a life changing experience.
(12:40):
It was such a good experience.
It was.
Okay.
I had a friend man, we was in the Marine Corps and then the Marine Corps, guys do a lot of
coke.
They do a lot of coke.
They do everything but weed because you can pop or pitch that to weed.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think for coke, they have to do a spinal tap or some shit like that or whatever.
Look at that.
I hear that from from Marines who do it all the time.
(13:03):
These guys would do coke before PT test and they would be fucking yerk.
I'm talking run like fucking crash bandicoot.
Yup.
And it was fucking crazy, but he took it and he met this demon and this demon told him
how he was going to die.
The demon showed him him in a hospital bed and it was talking to him while he was in
(13:25):
a hospital bed.
He was paralyzed.
And this thing was just telling him, you know, how he was a failure and how he wasn't going
to amount this shit.
And when he stayed in there for a couple of days and when he finally came out, he was
not the same again.
He managed to, you know, get to a somewhat state of normal, but he always was.
(13:46):
Was it DMC that he took?
Yeah.
Does he know that for facts?
Yeah, but this guy, he had mental health issues.
He was also that.
But how much did he take?
Because so when you got like a little cart, you're supposed to inhale it and you're supposed
to hold it for as long as possible.
And I'm talking like, we were holding it for, I thought like it wasn't possible for me to
hold my breath that long.
(14:07):
It was crazy, but you have to keep hitting it because it only lasts for a couple of minutes.
No, he was, he was in his shit.
He was in his trip for a couple of days.
Yeah.
So I don't know what kind he took or I don't know.
I think it was something where he put it under his tongue or something like that.
It was that could be that could be other things.
Like I'm not saying that I mean, maybe it was like, I'm not an expert on DMC.
(14:32):
I've only done it once.
What's it acid?
This dude, he did all the fucking drugs, but he was one of those guys that know his shit
because he was breaking it down to the science.
And I'm like, bro, you, because he was trying to get me to do it.
And I'm like, you just told me what happened to you.
So why would I, you know, especially with you when I know you're fucked up in the head, you're a psychopath, you know,
(14:54):
and I can't even get drunk spirits thought talking to me.
So I'm definitely not about to do, you know, DMT, but I hear that could have happened.
Honestly, it could have.
I don't like, cause it's a very spiritual thing also.
Like it opens up things like for me personally, when I was tripping, it was like the trees.
I don't know if you've ever heard this.
(15:15):
The trees were in like a pattern.
Like they were up.
It was weird.
It was like everything, like the, everything looked fake.
Everything except for the person, the people you see, the people are the only things that look real.
The cabin looks like a like a plastic.
I don't even know the fire was rainbow colored.
We were laughing.
It was like, it was a good time.
(15:36):
Honestly, like it is not anything bad.
It was more and like you could see your third eye.
Like if you close your eyes, like you could, you could literally see like right here.
It was weird.
That's pretty.
That's fucking crazy, man.
Yeah, but like I, I don't know why I haven't ever had a bad trip, but that could just be like me personally,
(16:00):
because I know everybody else that's ever tripped has had bad trips.
God told me that, you know, he was not going to let me do drugs or alcohol.
Anytime I've ever drank alcohol, I have gotten dog sick.
And if I got drunk, I'm seeing spirits.
I think the last time I, when I took the Delta eight, my wife's dead cousin came to me and told me who killed her when she was alive.
(16:24):
Because she, she died.
It was ruled a suicide, but somebody had killed her.
I think everybody knew that but they couldn't prove it.
And when she came to me at this dream, she told me who killed her.
And I related to my wife, my wife knew exactly, you know, who, who she was talking about, what on.
It's stuff like that, man.
Like I don't talk to spirits because once you open that door, you know, they ain't got nothing but time to talk to your ass.
(16:49):
And you know, spirits, it's weird, man, because sometimes they cool.
Other times they flip on your ass and I don't even want to ever, because like for me and this is my personal belief,
like I believe is exactly what the Bible says.
Like I believe for me, no ghosts aren't real.
You know what I'm saying?
There's angels and they're demons.
(17:11):
And that's just what I believe.
So like I've messed around with tarot cards before, but every time I've done it, I'm always like, oh, this is just like, like I pray, I pray to God.
I'm like, God, like you work for these cards, not whatever they're dealing with.
Right.
You know what I mean?
And I don't even do that anymore because I really think it's, it's not for me.
I've never touched the reading board.
(17:32):
Never will I touch the reading board.
People are crazy for that.
Why?
But I also think it's because of my beliefs, because they think they're talking to their dead grandma or whatever.
I know you're talking to the devil, but okay.
Right.
Yeah, man.
It's people don't believe that spirits exist.
People people only believe in what they can see.
(17:53):
And it's what you can't see that's really running shit.
Right.
And it's right.
I just live for people to know.
Yeah, I'm just, I just live here.
I'm like, man, you don't know.
You know, I've seen so many divine things, so many demonic things, and it's like I can go on and on and on, which is kind of what my tick talk or my social media is based on.
(18:14):
I've never seen like, nothing's ever came with my, like, I have nightmares sometimes, but I don't remember them.
I've never had sleep paralysis.
Never will I want to have that.
Because everyone's like, oh, it's medical.
No, I don't think it's medical.
That's fucking weird.
But I've also never had like good, like I've never, I guess like God hasn't really ever come to me like that.
(18:37):
Or maybe I think he comes to me more through like social media, like on my tick talk.
It's a lot of like, because you know the algorithm.
So I'll be watching like more Christian stuff or like, he'll come to me through people, but I can feel him like when I pray or like when I like, like, like I, my body.
It's like a body.
You know what I mean?
Trust me.
(18:58):
I get it.
I get it.
Or like when I'm walking around my apartment after I watch the scary movie and I'm like, I rebuke all evil.
You know, like I can feel it in my body.
Like right now I'm talking about it.
I can feel it.
You know, I get it.
100%.
So I'm a curious guy.
What does Coke feel like?
So it's not the same crack.
(19:19):
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
It's the same like substance, but it's basically like you just feel like really just up like you're up, but it's not like mess where it's like mess is like more like a euphoric up, up, but Coke is like, so if you're drinking and you do, and this is why people do blow when they're drinking, it makes you more sober.
(19:41):
It just makes you really up.
Like you don't feel euphoric really unless you're taking the wrong shit.
But yeah, it just makes you really up.
And it makes you like more focused, I guess, because for me, and I hate to admit this.
So I used to like remember I said when I used to do blow is the bathroom of my school.
So I'd also used to do it before tutoring and I hate math.
(20:03):
I suck at it.
I've always thought about it.
Whatever.
So my parents got me into tutoring and I go to the bathroom like I hate this.
I do a lot and I come back.
I'm asking her all types of questions.
I'm like, yeah, like teach me something, you know, like I want to know.
But it also, yeah, it keeps you up.
Like if you don't do it, like, so there will be times like when I used to go to the bars a lot, we'd have a bar.
(20:30):
So that's like calls after bars.
So we go to like somebody's house, somebody would have a bag, like we just be fucking tweaking.
And then so like the next day, and even then sometimes it'd be a two day thing.
Yeah, it's it's it's off.
It's really a part of the culture like like almost every bar has somebody that's doing blow or more than one person.
(20:54):
It's definitely become like in Wisconsin is a big drinking state.
Like there's bars everywhere, like everywhere.
And I think flow has also become a part of the drinking culture because it lets you drink more.
It lets you feel the buzz of drinking a little bit, but you also feel like good.
Like you feel like you couldn't drink more.
It's not the I don't know.
(21:16):
I just think I have addicted tendencies because they really like sometimes I question why I even get it because like it's not even like my favorite thing, you know.
So that was good shit.
Sorry. Okay.
Question.
We're done crack.
Yes, I have and crack.
I'll tell you shit.
Like when they say crack is whack, crack is whack.
(21:38):
So I don't know if I should like go on the I talked to you about like Madison and like when I used to have a pimp.
So I remember just like smoking it all the time.
Like I would carpet surf.
I don't know if you've heard that carpet surfing basically when you're on the carpet, just like, where is it?
(21:59):
There's more.
There's more like shit like that.
Like it'll last good for literally and I'm not even kidding.
You take a hit 30 seconds goes by you're like more, more, more, more.
So strong.
It's strong, but it's like not like that either.
It's more so like Coke, but like like a little more.
So which one is strongest out of coke myth and correct.
(22:21):
Oh, Matt for sure.
Okay.
Yeah, it's just like masses more so of a it's like you're up, but you also feel like you could do anything, you know, like you're like superhero, whatever.
And it'll make you stay up for like fucking days, dude.
Okay.
So I have a story really quick.
Sorry, sidetracked in green Bay.
(22:43):
We actually just because I'm a part of the recovery community.
So I go to meetings like alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, heroin anonymous.
So basically ever since I started coming, like this was when I was like 19.
So I've been in and out of the room for a long time trying to get my shit together.
And I've had substantial amounts of clean time here and there, but I've always let men in my life and they've always I stopped focusing on God and I start focusing on them and then all of a sudden, yeah, it's awful.
(23:14):
So I decided to be single for a while.
But anyway, there's this guy, he's been in the part of their recovery community forever.
Like everybody knows him.
Everybody likes him.
He was sponsoring this other gentleman and sponsoring basically means like in recovery, there's the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous and you work the steps.
So it'll it'll help you find like spirituality and not religion, but spirituality because I know a lot of addicts are kind of like, like the whole God idea like, no, but you know, God comes to those who seek him.
(23:48):
And even if you don't call him by, you know, like he knows, you know, like I always say, you know, you know, I'm not a good person.
You know, like I always say good orderly direction.
You know what I mean?
But anyway, so he was sponsoring the guy and he's always been kind of angry when I see him at eating.
But there's this one time I saw him not too long ago.
He was doing really well.
He seems like happy and it was like a weird thing because I'd always see him in a bad mood.
(24:12):
And a couple weeks after that, he killed his sponsor.
He stabbed him 27 times and stabs his dog.
And he was in psychosis because he had stayed up on meth, but he also had schizophrenia.
So he's got a medication.
Yeah. Yeah.
He was just because like, even if you don't have schizophrenia, you're in psychosis.
You see things.
They're called the shadow people.
(24:34):
Yeah.
Like I don't think that I don't think that that's just because you stayed up.
I think that you staying up makes it easier for you to see what's around you because I personally think meth, especially meth is of the devil.
Yeah.
I think it is.
I mean, all drugs are, but that shit is like hardcore.
So people will see crazy shit.
Like it's legit.
I've only stayed up for five days and I don't know why, but other people like baby seeing shit, I don't.
(25:00):
But I think that's because I'm protected and I've always been protected.
You know, like so.
But yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, it is crazy.
And I'm only smiling because that's what I do.
That's a nervous thing.
Listen.
I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I know what the fuck.
I don't know.
Nothing's funny.
How's it?
(25:21):
I was in the Marine Corps.
Yeah.
I was in the humor is, is, oh my God, it's fun.
Are we?
Yeah.
I've worked in restaurants where it's all men and it's, it's like, yeah, buzz driver sense of humor or whatever.
Yeah.
I can believe like all men in an area, the sense of humor is like just crazy.
(25:42):
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you work around a lot of men or you hang with a lot of men, you get to see just how
fucked up we were in there.
So how did you meet your pimp?
Okay.
So I was living in, so basically I was in rehab for the first time in Madison, Wisconsin.
I got kicked out of rehab because I was a little shit and was like, fuck this.
(26:04):
Like this is just a cheese break, you know, this thing for me.
Right.
So then I moved out, I moved into a sober living.
When I say sober living, it's not like the normal sober, like normal sober living will be a house president.
You'll have to go to meetings.
You have chores, this and that.
Like there's rules, you know, and there's people watching over you.
This sober living, there was like nobody around.
(26:27):
No drug tests.
Right.
So this other gal had moved in there.
So she started doing heroin right off the bat.
And so I started doing it, I got really bad at crack at that time too.
That was like the first time I really tried crack.
So I was really bad at the crack and I was bad at two.
I was doing a lot of Molly.
(26:48):
I wouldn't say I was doing a mess at that time.
I've only had done mess one time before that and it was in New Mexico.
I hadn't tried it in Madison until.
So I started working at Taco Bell and there was this girl that worked there.
Fuck that bitch.
But anyway, she was like this big scary, scary female.
And she was cool at first, you know, like she obviously knew what I did.
(27:13):
Whoever she was dating, he was a pimp, right?
So they had me come over to their house and they were talking like, oh yeah, like we can make money and you can have all these drugs and it'll be like so good.
And I was like, yeah, fuck it, whatever.
Like I respect sex work, like even to this day, I still do.
I wouldn't personally do it and I know a lot of sex workers don't do it for that reason either.
(27:38):
You know what I mean?
It's not like that.
So basically she had broken up with her boyfriend, like literally right after that.
I had gotten kicked out of my sober living because when I was at work one day, they haunted the TV for $70 worth of crack.
I wasn't even there.
I didn't even get to participate.
I just came home like where the fuck's the TV?
(27:59):
And so the owners of the house came in and they're like, where is the TV?
And they kicked us all out.
I'm like, I didn't even like, what do you mean?
Yeah.
Like, okay, but whatever.
So I moved into her apartment and at first it was like, sure, it wasn't bad.
Mind you, her kids lived there.
Her seven year old child.
Right.
Live there.
She was an asshole to him.
(28:20):
He's literally, it was terrible.
He has walked.
He's left me there with him because she was off at work and I had people go to the house and he's seen some shit, dude.
Like I feel terrible.
I feel awful.
Like he's seen some shit.
Like I've, she's literally allowed me to smoke crack in that house while he was there.
It was terrible.
She started treating me like shit because she had introduced me to mess.
(28:44):
And so I was doing that now.
So I was staying up all the time.
I wasn't cleaning myself.
I, she had me fucking all these dudes all the fucking time.
She took all the money.
She had me steal shit for myself and she was like, but I thought you wanted this.
But like this year buying chains, you got a flat cream.
You got a new leather couch that you got a new car.
(29:05):
And I'm over here with a fake gold chain and I found out it was safe.
And then I was like, you know what?
Fuck this.
Like I'm getting treated like absolute dog shit.
Like this is not what I signed up for.
I had called my friend and her, her and her boyfriend picked me up.
They took me to this other guy's trap, this 86 year old.
I don't know what the fuck I was doing.
(29:26):
This trap house, all these people were there smoking crack all the time.
There was a dealer that lived upstairs, a dealer that lived over there.
They all wanted me.
So I'm like, whatever, fuck it.
Like let's, let's go.
And I swear to God, I was sleeping on pillows in an empty room.
And every night the plug would come there and he'd be like, is it Diana?
Like where's Diana?
(29:47):
Blah, blah, blah, so whatever.
Was he coming to get, was he coming to get services from you or what?
Well, he's, yeah, like a lot of plugs, they have like these dope hoes that walk around with them,
do shit for them, free drugs, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So that like I'd be doing that.
I'd have to do stuff with him because he would get jealous that I would have fucking all these other dudes.
(30:10):
So yeah, he's 86 year old.
Man, what the fuck Diana?
Anyway, I don't get 86.
Crazy work.
How the fuck was he?
Why do you think he was selling drugs at 86?
That seems like a very odd number to start selling dope.
Oh, he wasn't selling it.
He was, he just had his house.
(30:31):
Okay.
It was low income housing.
He was drug addict.
So everybody would come because you know, it's the trap.
People, he named his house the trap so people could come and sell out of there.
He'd get a little bit.
Other people can come and smoke it.
He'd get a little bit because he's the owner of the house, the place to do drugs.
Yeah.
(30:52):
So he, Tub's trying to hit me up, hit me up, like, come back.
I swear it'll be different this time.
So she sent me like this big ass picture of this crack rock.
It was like this big.
I'm like, stay let.
So I went back the first night I went back.
She left me with this big crack rock, whatever, like she went to go work.
(31:13):
I started smoking it.
Like my heart started hurting.
And this wasn't the first time, you know, like my shit was.
So I was like, you know what, I'm going to put this away.
I stayed on the couch.
I fell asleep.
And that's how you know, I've been up for so long because you can't just be falling asleep on crack.
That's literally no, it's like falling asleep on mess, you know, but I fell asleep.
(31:34):
She came back.
She's like, I've been talking to this other girl.
She was like saying, like, oh, like I'm going to put her on like you can feature this and that.
So we went to lacrosse because that's where the other girl was.
That's where her family lives or her friends.
There was a big ass party.
Like I was supposed to be working in, but at the same time I'm like, dude, can I just like party?
Like what?
So we were partying.
(31:55):
She bought a huge bag of Coke, a huge bag of Coke.
So we were all staying up, doing blow.
Then her and this other guy, they started fucking on me.
I literally had to fuck this bitch.
And yeah, she made me fuck her.
It was disgusting.
But I had to, yeah, she like embarrassed me in front of her friends.
She like wanted them to see that.
(32:16):
Like I was her like little whatever and that she treated me like shit.
And it was, honestly, she wanted to seem like these big time, like she wanted to have like these,
I feel like she wanted to seem like she was a big pimp around like all these other guys were like,
that's what she wanted.
She wanted to seem like that.
And so she started treating me like absolute shit.
We literally were doing it for like hours.
(32:39):
I hated it.
I did not want any part of it.
So then she fell asleep because she's been drinking whatever, whatever.
So I started, the suit started flirting with me.
I started flirting with him too, but it was only flirting and I didn't really, whatever.
I didn't want to.
She came and I also went to the bar without her because she was sleeping.
Meantime, like this other girl, the one that I was talking about,
(33:01):
she started texting her telling her like, oh, Diana's doing this, Diana's doing that.
Making me seem like I'm just out here while I was, but it's, can I not?
Like what the fuck?
So she wakes up, she starts screaming at me being like, I should just piss on you.
Like you're a piece of shit.
You ain't nothing.
You're a bomb.
All this shit, right?
So I'm like, okay.
(33:22):
I, so on the way back, I'm like, I'm fucking done.
Like I am done.
You know what I mean?
And so I try to leave again.
She won't let me take any of my shit.
She's like, oh, I bought this for you.
I bought that you can't have that bitch.
I bought that just like I bought everything else.
My money.
You fucking con.
I'm sorry.
I hate her.
I hate her.
(33:43):
But anyway, so I'm trying to leave and she throws my phone down the toilet.
Oops.
Okay.
Guess what?
I was like, I'm not going to the cops.
I didn't want to.
I wasn't going to, but now I have to.
So I went to the McDonald's called the cops.
She was right there.
She met them first actually, but I had already been on the phone with them.
That's dangerous.
So yeah, she met them first.
(34:04):
Oh, um, she was like, yeah, that's my ex.
She stole $200.
Okay.
They didn't believe her obviously, but they wanted to make it seem like they believed her.
This was a federal case now.
So I had a federal agent who took me into this room.
Like it wasn't even like, it wasn't even like a scary questioning room.
Like they usually, it was like a, it was just like an office and he was nice.
(34:26):
So I knew that he wasn't like trying to like, you know, lock me up.
Like he was nice to me.
He found me a place to go.
That place might have been like a crazy place, but he found me a place to go.
Um, and then I ended up going to another rehab.
(34:47):
I actually started that one because I was fraternizing,
which you're not supposed to,
fraternizing with men.
Yeah.
So then I came to Green Bay,
I moved into a legit sober living,
but then he was like, oh, he came down,
he was like, so her email is attached
to all these back page advertisements of me.
(35:08):
A dumb bitch attacked her email address
before back page got closed down,
so they knew it was her.
So what's back page?
Is it like a social media ad?
Back page, okay, so back page was basically where like,
you could sell things.
Like it's closed down now because everybody used it
for being able to prostitute,
(35:28):
so that they would put like a picture,
she would put a picture of me,
you're like Russian girl,
da, da, da, da, massage.
You'd always have to say massage
for a certain amount of money.
You can never say like,
you can't obviously say like, oh yeah,
like you're, she's a prostitute,
you'd have to say she's a prostitute.
So that's how people would get away with it.
Okay.
(35:49):
So yeah, so back page got shut down
just for that reason alone, I think,
because a lot of that was happening on there.
So yeah, I didn't wanna like,
they made me a deal to basically give her like,
two years probation, she's still a felon,
but it's solicitation of prostitution,
but she's still a felon.
I'm okay with, I didn't wanna see her in court,
(36:09):
like fuck her, like, karma's a bitch.
I'm sure she's already gotten everything that she deserves.
If you had to give any advice to,
we'll say young girls,
young girls growing up in a big city,
or just young girls in general, what would you say?
I would say, don't get caught up in the nightlife.
Don't get caught up in drugs
and don't let anybody like sweet talk you,
(36:31):
like focus on yourself, focus on your family,
focus on your career,
because that's the things that I have,
wasn't focusing on and now I'm backtracking,
because like, eventually you'll get to the point
where it is something that you will want for yourself,
you could have just already had it
and pushed through it without having to backtrack.
So what did you learn from this?
(36:54):
Well, I'm gonna ask you this,
are you currently on drugs
or dealing with prostitution at all?
Not at all.
Okay.
I have almost three months over,
I just got a job, I just got my HSDD too.
Okay.
Cause I dropped out of high school.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So yeah, no, I'm not currently on drugs.
(37:17):
I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking, nothing.
I would say to those like girls
that are thinking about it,
like it might seem like it's easy,
it might seem like it's not gonna have a toll
on your mental,
but eventually like you can dissociate for only so long,
but like you'll always like,
you'll always remember it,
like you'll feel like you'll have lower self-esteem
(37:38):
because of it, you know what I mean?
Like it will affect you.
It will.
If you plan on ever getting married,
like I mean, like I'm not saying like,
cause I've known a lot of them that haven't judged me,
but if you fall in love with a guy, like,
and you know, some guys will, they will judge you.
Like that can hinder your,
a perfect relationship for you too.
(37:59):
Yeah.
You know?
Like it's not worth,
the money is not worth the,
like how you're gonna feel about yourself.
And I'm not saying I feel bad about myself,
but like it, it makes you see the world differently.
Yeah.
That's my next question.
How has your view towards men changed?
Oh my God.
Like I, I'm not gonna say like it's a bad view
(38:23):
cause I like, I, but I just,
I think a lot of guys are dogs.
I do.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of guys are dogs.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Ain't gonna lie to you, they are.
A lot of guys, man.
I learned the most about men from women, you know?
Cause a guy would get in front of me
and I met this one guy, man.
It was the craziest thing ever,
(38:43):
but he was married, I'm married.
And we were talking about our wives
because that's what guys do.
And I was like, you know,
I'm ready to get home and see my kids,
see my wife and he was like saying, man, saying,
then a couple of minutes later,
he was, you know, texting this girl,
trying to get her to meet up with him so he can fuck.
Yes.
And I'm like, you was just, you know,
he had just got off the phone.
(39:04):
I have a story.
I know it's crazy.
And I'm like, and I told him, like,
cause me, I'm that friend that's going to hold
your fucking ass accountable, you know?
As you should.
Not everybody wants to hear it,
but I'll learn if you-
But people need to.
Yeah.
Like because if she's home
and I heard her tell him,
I love you and I miss you so much.
(39:24):
So, and I heard his kids in the background.
So I asked him, I'm like, bro,
how long have you been married?
And he's like two years.
I say, do you love her?
He say more than anything in the world.
I say-
So what are you doing?
I was like, bro, so what are you doing?
And he was like, man, I just want to fuck, bro.
He was like, man, it ain't nothing deeper than that.
I just got to get this nut off.
And I say, bro, we,
cause we had went to schools in Arizona.
(39:46):
The school paid for our flights
and we came out to Arizona,
stayed out there for a month.
And I'm like, bro, you can't go a month
without sticking your dick in something.
And he was like, man, you know, I gotta fuck.
He was like, I have a high safety if I gotta fuck.
And I'm like, well, okay.
I live it at that.
Yeah.
I don't like, I get people have high sex drives,
but like you have your hand first of all,
(40:08):
and they're all like, it's not the same.
It's not the same.
But like maybe you should focus on like going,
like thinking about why, why you're like that.
Like-
Exactly.
Cause it wasn't always.
It can't have been always like that.
Yeah, man.
It's ridiculous.
Like don't get me wrong for a month away from my wife.
I was only two, but I made it up in my mind
that I was going too fast for a month
(40:29):
and just use my sexual energy to transmute it,
to pass the fucking, to pass the class that I was in.
And I'm like, and I started to tell him like,
bro, you can take that energy and just transmute it
to help you pass the class.
And he went here and done that shit.
He wanted to fuck something.
And I think he did.
I think he did.
So he cheated on me.
Well, okay.
(40:49):
So I have like, okay.
So my ex-boyfriend, I still have feelings for him.
I don't think he's gonna, I don't give a fuck, whatever.
So on Valentine's Day, he messages me
and he adds me on Snapchat.
He's like, I add him back.
I'm like, who is this? Because I honestly didn't know.
He's like, it's your favorite ex-boyfriend.
And then he sends me a picture of his newborn baby.
(41:12):
Why?
I don't know.
Okay. I'm like, I obviously, I asked him, I'm like,
is that yours?
He's like, yeah, you're like making small talk.
Like, but he has a baby mama, like his girlfriend.
He just had a child.
What are you, why are you messaging me?
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah.
I didn't even like, it was like, he was like,
(41:34):
I'm sorry for ditching you that one day.
Like, I just, I hope you're doing really well,
like this and that, but it's like, why?
Yeah. I don't have an explanation
on why I would ever do that to a woman.
Like, especially a woman where I know
she's still in love with me.
Like, yeah.
I don't think he knows that.
But I've made it, like I, maybe he does,
(41:56):
but I don't know if he still has feelings.
I don't know.
But it's like, there was plenty of opportunity
for you to break up with her.
Yeah.
You know, there was plenty of opportunity.
And like, yeah, I did him a really dirty, I did.
I cheated on him, but I was, I was using,
I was getting drunk.
I was, I was younger.
I was, yeah, I did him super dirty.
(42:18):
And I'm, which is why I'm surprised
that he's even like taking the time to reach out to me.
Yeah.
Cause he messaged me again today,
like a selfie of himself.
I'm like, why?
I think he trying to kind of ease his way back in.
I think if he, if he's bold enough to say
that he's your favorite ex-boyfriend,
I think he knows that you still have something for him.
(42:42):
Cause I'm not going to talk that way to a woman.
Every man has his favorite.
I've been married for six years.
Any woman that I've left alone, I don't fuck with.
But if I had to go backwards, I don't even think,
I don't even, nah, fuck all of them.
Right. That's what I'm saying.
Fuck all of them, man.
That's what my friend Mikey, Mikey said too.
(43:04):
He was like, I don't know.
He probably just wants attention or like to get a nut off.
But I'm not going to do that.
I don't like his girlfriend.
I'm not going to say that I do.
I don't like her, but she just had a baby, his baby.
Like it's all different now, man.
Like I might have, and I might have thought about it,
but now you got a kid.
(43:24):
Like this is family, you know what I'm saying?
Like,
like this isn't just your life.
It's not just her life.
It's that baby's life too.
Yeah.
Do you have kids?
No, I don't.
But.
Do you want kids?
I do.
I've been told that I would have to like take a medication
to have kids by a doctor.
So like hopefully like when I do want a child,
(43:44):
I can have one, but if I can't,
then I can't adopt because I was adopted.
So like why not?
It's interesting, man,
because the people that want to have kids
can't have kids and the motherfuckers.
I know.
And they didn't want kids.
Right.
I got kids, man.
Right, what the fuck, man?
You know what I'm saying?
I love my children, but I didn't want kids
(44:04):
because I lived a very dangerous lifestyle
when I was younger and I always thought
that I was going to get killed early.
Yeah, be like that.
I also think like maybe like,
maybe God is just like letting me,
like maybe he's waiting for me until I find the right one.
Right.
The one that he wants me to be with, you know?
Right.
Do you want to be married?
I do.
(44:25):
Like probably not now.
I kind of have a lot of making up to do
for my past mistakes.
So I want to focus on myself and get my career going.
Like, because now that I have my high school diploma,
I want to go to school to be a substance abuse counselor
because I've always wanted to be like a counselor
of some sort, but I feel like that's my calling
(44:47):
because I know when I was in rehab
and there was all these counselors, like they're book smart
and they mean well, but like,
you don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
These books ain't teaching you the street shit.
Okay.
So I want to be that.
I was getting marriage counseling from a lady
who wasn't married and I asked her what she married
(45:07):
and she was like, no, I kind of looked at her like.
Right.
Yeah.
You're like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Like how the fuck are you going to tell me about marriage
when you're not going home to be your husband?
Like the fuck?
Right.
It's real weird.
Like I know they mean well, but it's like,
you have to have some sort of experience.
(45:28):
I'm not just going to listen to you
because you graduated with a bachelor's.
Right.
Like I graduated with the highest diploma,
I think already by what I've been through.
So.
Yeah, experience.
You know, right, experience.
Experience, yeah.
So.
Experiences is definitely man, it'll get you a long way.
But I mean, what are some parting messages you have
(45:51):
for the people watching?
I hope that my story makes you think about
not doing the things that I've done.
I might seem like I'm okay, like I am okay,
but it's taken me a lot of time to be where I am today.
You know what I'm saying?
And if you're like in recovery and you're thinking about,
oh, like maybe I'll go out there
(46:11):
and maybe it'll be different this time.
It won't be different.
I've done it.
I've been in the rooms in and out, in and out, in and out.
It will not be different.
It'll be much worse.
And you'll have a lot more to clean up.
Okay, I can do that.
In the future, we may come back and do a part two.
All right.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Take care, you too.
Bye.
Bye.
(46:32):
Kiss, bye.
Kiss, bye.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
What's happening with you?
(00:01):
This is the Rossi Gilmore podcast,
where we don't get no real in it,
don't come with a filter.
I am your host, Rossi Gilmore.
Oh, but today I have a very special guest.
I have a young lady telling her story
as a former prostitute, a former drug addict,
and a future abuse counselor.
(00:23):
This one is gonna be interesting, y'all tune in.
Here's what's gonna be a little kiss up.
(00:55):
Relax, relax, relax.
It's all good.
So first I'm gonna ask you,
what is your name and where are you from?
It's fine.
My name is Diana.
I'm from, well, I'm originally from Russia,
but I live in Wisconsin now.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
(01:16):
Okay, so I was born in Russia.
I was in an orphanage until I was seven,
because my mom, I guess like my real mom,
was born in a family of three.
Like my real mom had me when she was locked up or something.
I don't really know much.
So I moved to New Mexico.
I lived there until I was 18.
I mostly went to private, right?
I actually only went to private schools,
(01:38):
because my parents are super like,
at this point, I wasn't a huge Christian,
so I'm gonna say they were super religious,
but they were just actually just,
and wanted better for me.
But at the time I was like, they're super religious.
They didn't let me celebrate Halloween.
They didn't let me watch Harry Potter,
but they let me watch Lord of the Rings,
(02:00):
which is weird to me, but like I get it now.
They were kind of strict on me,
like a little too strict, I would say,
and I think they would probably agree now,
because we've talked about it,
but they didn't let me like really have sleepovers
or go to do things with other people.
Like they kind of sheltered the fuck out of me,
(02:21):
which I don't think was a good idea,
because I wanted to do like, when I turned 17,
I was already like smoking cigarettes, smoking weed,
which I mean, I guess like that's normal,
but like it was a little more for me.
So I was actually smoking cigarettes right before 17.
I think I started when I was 15, to be honest,
and I like used to steal their liquor and stuff
(02:43):
when I was like 13.
I remember like, we went to,
they call these things tinships or whatever.
I don't know if you know what those are,
but basically it's just them and their friends,
and they do like meals and Bible studies.
So at one point we had gone to one of their friends' houses,
and their friends had like this,
(03:05):
they were watching like their niece or something,
but their niece lived really close,
so me and their niece went to her house,
and we started drinking beer,
and I don't know, I only drank two, but I was fucked up.
And I think they knew too when they were driving me back,
because they didn't say anything,
but like just the way I was acting, I feel like they knew.
Yeah.
(03:26):
But anyway, so when I was 17,
I like this summer,
I went to Wisconsin to work for my cousin's restaurant,
and then I had met this guy,
like my first boyfriend I would say,
actually, because I didn't have boyfriends at the time,
and like we started smoking all the time,
just like we, so like nothing serious.
(03:49):
I also lost my virginity to him,
but I feel like in that way that it happened,
it was fucking like, it was like if I didn't do it,
he threw a hissy fit.
So I don't know, like I didn't like that,
that was fucked up, but that's how I lost my virginity.
So when I moved back to New Mexico,
basically I was turning 18 soon,
(04:11):
so when I turned 18,
I could actually remember like the day I turned 18,
like my dad called me because he has like,
like my curfew or whatever,
he was like, when are you coming home?
I'm like, what are you talking about, dude?
I'm an adult, like I am not coming home.
Like we had an argument about it, and I'm like, dad, I'm not,
like I'm sorry, like there's nothing you can do,
(04:32):
literally nothing you can do.
So that's when I started like, okay,
that's when I started doing Coke,
and it was like a lot.
It was like, it was, and I started doing ecstasy too,
but it was low ecstasy, like shrooms, alcohol,
we obviously plugged.
Okay, not that it's hard to come by, I mean, you know.
(04:56):
Yeah.
Well, my friend, basically he had his friend,
she had like homies that she would get it from,
and so we all started kicking it,
and so me, her and her boyfriend would always like,
go get, whoa, we would do it like in school,
we would do it in like, and it was like,
whole Christian high school, it was a very rich kid,
(05:20):
like no, yeah, it was like very proper,
like we had to wear uniforms,
like we had to wear collared shirts, like all that.
So, and I guess like my mouth was pretty big at the time
because I would go into like my first period science class
and I'd be like, oh my God, like my night was crazy,
like I would talk about it.
(05:41):
And then like, I guess the whole school kind of knew it
because one day I called, like I didn't show up
because I was sick, and my English teacher asked these two girls,
like where's Diana, and this one fuck boy, popular kid,
who I hate to this day, he literally was like,
oh, well, she's probably doing drugs.
(06:02):
He literally said that I was your snitch, but okay.
So she had pulled these two girls aside and basically like one of them
just like straight up pulled her everything, everything.
I'm like, damn, like all you guys are off for real.
But so the next day I came into school, my teacher, or no,
the vice principal had called me out of a class
(06:24):
and he was like, he was like, we know you're doing drugs,
like we have to search your bag, we have to drug test you.
And I'm like, well, you can search my bag,
but you're not going to drug test me.
Like guys, because you're not going to drug test me.
No, but you can, yeah, I smoke pot.
I said that, that's all I admitted to it.
I was like, yeah, I smoke pot, you're not going to drug test me, sorry.
(06:45):
And you can't legally drug test me because I'm an adult.
So basically I just got kicked out of that school
and I still was like partying and everything,
but it was like in, I don't want to say, I don't want to,
okay, so there's a place it's called like the war zone.
I chose to kick it there with the homies.
And like all my old friends, they will first, okay, backtrack.
(07:07):
So I got kicked out of that school
and then I went to my first public school
and it was like in not a nice area.
So I met people there, like I started skipping class,
like I skipped two consecutive weeks and they called, yeah,
I like I would go and I would go to the parking lot
and then I'd meet like my friends
(07:29):
and then I would tell my parents like, yeah, I'm in school.
So they called the house phone when I wasn't there
and they were like, your daughter hasn't been to school in two weeks
and my dad's like, just, what is it called?
I didn't get expelled, but I got my dad's like, just enroll her.
Yeah, yeah, they just enrolled me.
Oh, yeah, they just enrolled me like my old friends
(07:50):
that I used to kick it with, they didn't want to hang out with me either
because I was doing just like zumbos, like more than them.
Even though they were the ones that were like got me onto it,
like now I'm the problem because I'm doing more.
So let me let me ask you a question.
So I've only done Delta 8 and I mean, you know, my experience.
(08:11):
Delta 8 is black.
That's it.
I don't think it's real.
It's not.
It's a synthetic weed, right?
Right.
It put me in a hospital.
I've never done synthetic weed.
I mean, I've smoked Delta 8, but it's never put me in the hospital.
Yeah.
But this was my first time ever doing anything.
I don't know none of that.
This shit put me in a hospital and I was paralyzed for 12 hours.
(08:34):
That's crazy.
I don't know.
Paralyzed.
Was it laced with something?
That's what somebody said.
They was like, it may have been K2 or laced with K2 or something like that.
Yeah, K2.
I've never done K2, which is crazy because I've done everything else,
but K2, I was just like, nah, that's just wax.
Because I've heard like it makes you go into a promo trip sometimes
(08:56):
and I've seen how people are on it.
It doesn't seem like a good time.
It's very dangerous.
Yeah.
I mean, all drugs are dangerous, but I don't know.
K2 is.
Yeah, I don't, I bought mines from a mall from this Hispanic lady.
And I think back on it and she said she took more than one at one time
and she was like, it was the scariest thing in her life.
(09:18):
And I'm thinking, okay.
She didn't know what she bought probably because.
Who knows, man?
I just, this was my first time doing it.
I was just getting out of the military and I mean, I had crazy insomnia.
I wouldn't sleep for days.
The Marine Corps fucked my head up.
But I took it, was in the hospital for 12, I was in the hospital for two or three days
(09:39):
and they actually sent me to the site ward.
Yeah, I've been there.
I'll get to that.
I'll get to that.
So I know people take drugs and they have like scary trips.
What's the scariest trip you've ever had?
I can honestly say in my experience and it was only scary because I think it was the
person that I was with.
(10:01):
I told you about it, that one guy.
Yeah.
So we took shrooms and we started to fuck, right?
And I saw his face and it like morphed and okay, I don't even like talking about this
because like I was you get it.
But like I swear in my head, I was like talking to the devil kind of like, I don't think he
was saying anything back, but I only think that's because God because like I know like
(10:25):
from my whole entire life, like I feel like has been a lot of things that I've overcome
but I don't know if it's because God wanted me to overcome them or because like Satan
was like, I'm gonna try to fuck with this girl and hopefully she doesn't overcome them
or both.
But yeah, I think that was kind of the scariest because like, yeah, I've tripped but all my
(10:46):
shit's been like decent.
And I've never really even tested it, but like I know in Albuquerque, they got some pretty,
I mean, Mexico is right there.
So it's pretty good.
And in Green Bay, like most of like the Molly and shit, it's like mess.
Like they're called like, what are they?
They're like the ecstasy pills.
(11:08):
They're called something else because they're only just made of match pretty much.
But yeah, I don't think I really have like a, and that's probably, that's probably for
a reason that I've never had experience because I'm sure that it's probably just hindered
me more.
I wish I would have to be honest with you.
I do.
(11:29):
Yeah.
So have you ever, I had a buddy and I wanted to try this with my wife just as an experimental
thing, but I've heard horrific stories about DMT.
Really?
I had such a good time on DMT.
I've heard horror stories.
No, no.
Okay.
So for me, like I've done DMT one time and it was like the cart.
(11:54):
It wasn't like the whatever else people do because they make cars to it now.
So it's like a liquid that you, but it's like there is a certain way you have to like
press it or else it'll crystallize.
I don't know.
But anyway, I think the people that I was with, it was like we knew we were going to do it.
We were like in a good headspace.
I think we even prayed over it to be honest because the people that I was with, they were
(12:18):
like, like this one girl, she was very Christian and so was her man.
So they like trip, but they don't, they like, they almost do it to get closer to God.
Whereas I get it.
Which I know that's the same.
I know that's going to be like, but it's a drug, but I don't know.
But anyway, it was honestly a life changing experience.
(12:40):
It was such a good experience.
It was.
Okay.
I had a friend man, we was in the Marine Corps and then the Marine Corps, guys do a lot of
coke.
They do a lot of coke.
They do everything but weed because you can pop or pitch that to weed.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think for coke, they have to do a spinal tap or some shit like that or whatever.
Look at that.
I hear that from from Marines who do it all the time.
(13:03):
These guys would do coke before PT test and they would be fucking yerk.
I'm talking run like fucking crash bandicoot.
Yup.
And it was fucking crazy, but he took it and he met this demon and this demon told him
how he was going to die.
The demon showed him him in a hospital bed and it was talking to him while he was in
(13:25):
a hospital bed.
He was paralyzed.
And this thing was just telling him, you know, how he was a failure and how he wasn't going
to amount this shit.
And when he stayed in there for a couple of days and when he finally came out, he was
not the same again.
He managed to, you know, get to a somewhat state of normal, but he always was.
(13:46):
Was it DMC that he took?
Yeah.
Does he know that for facts?
Yeah, but this guy, he had mental health issues.
He was also that.
But how much did he take?
Because so when you got like a little cart, you're supposed to inhale it and you're supposed
to hold it for as long as possible.
And I'm talking like, we were holding it for, I thought like it wasn't possible for me to
hold my breath that long.
(14:07):
It was crazy, but you have to keep hitting it because it only lasts for a couple of minutes.
No, he was, he was in his shit.
He was in his trip for a couple of days.
Yeah.
So I don't know what kind he took or I don't know.
I think it was something where he put it under his tongue or something like that.
It was that could be that could be other things.
Like I'm not saying that I mean, maybe it was like, I'm not an expert on DMC.
(14:32):
I've only done it once.
What's it acid?
This dude, he did all the fucking drugs, but he was one of those guys that know his shit
because he was breaking it down to the science.
And I'm like, bro, you, because he was trying to get me to do it.
And I'm like, you just told me what happened to you.
So why would I, you know, especially with you when I know you're fucked up in the head, you're a psychopath, you know,
(14:54):
and I can't even get drunk spirits thought talking to me.
So I'm definitely not about to do, you know, DMT, but I hear that could have happened.
Honestly, it could have.
I don't like, cause it's a very spiritual thing also.
Like it opens up things like for me personally, when I was tripping, it was like the trees.
I don't know if you've ever heard this.
(15:15):
The trees were in like a pattern.
Like they were up.
It was weird.
It was like everything, like the, everything looked fake.
Everything except for the person, the people you see, the people are the only things that look real.
The cabin looks like a like a plastic.
I don't even know the fire was rainbow colored.
We were laughing.
It was like, it was a good time.
(15:36):
Honestly, like it is not anything bad.
It was more and like you could see your third eye.
Like if you close your eyes, like you could, you could literally see like right here.
It was weird.
That's pretty.
That's fucking crazy, man.
Yeah, but like I, I don't know why I haven't ever had a bad trip, but that could just be like me personally,
(16:00):
because I know everybody else that's ever tripped has had bad trips.
God told me that, you know, he was not going to let me do drugs or alcohol.
Anytime I've ever drank alcohol, I have gotten dog sick.
And if I got drunk, I'm seeing spirits.
I think the last time I, when I took the Delta eight, my wife's dead cousin came to me and told me who killed her when she was alive.
(16:24):
Because she, she died.
It was ruled a suicide, but somebody had killed her.
I think everybody knew that but they couldn't prove it.
And when she came to me at this dream, she told me who killed her.
And I related to my wife, my wife knew exactly, you know, who, who she was talking about, what on.
It's stuff like that, man.
Like I don't talk to spirits because once you open that door, you know, they ain't got nothing but time to talk to your ass.
(16:49):
And you know, spirits, it's weird, man, because sometimes they cool.
Other times they flip on your ass and I don't even want to ever, because like for me and this is my personal belief,
like I believe is exactly what the Bible says.
Like I believe for me, no ghosts aren't real.
You know what I'm saying?
There's angels and they're demons.
(17:11):
And that's just what I believe.
So like I've messed around with tarot cards before, but every time I've done it, I'm always like, oh, this is just like, like I pray, I pray to God.
I'm like, God, like you work for these cards, not whatever they're dealing with.
Right.
You know what I mean?
And I don't even do that anymore because I really think it's, it's not for me.
I've never touched the reading board.
(17:32):
Never will I touch the reading board.
People are crazy for that.
Why?
But I also think it's because of my beliefs, because they think they're talking to their dead grandma or whatever.
I know you're talking to the devil, but okay.
Right.
Yeah, man.
It's people don't believe that spirits exist.
People people only believe in what they can see.
(17:53):
And it's what you can't see that's really running shit.
Right.
And it's right.
I just live for people to know.
Yeah, I'm just, I just live here.
I'm like, man, you don't know.
You know, I've seen so many divine things, so many demonic things, and it's like I can go on and on and on, which is kind of what my tick talk or my social media is based on.
(18:14):
I've never seen like, nothing's ever came with my, like, I have nightmares sometimes, but I don't remember them.
I've never had sleep paralysis.
Never will I want to have that.
Because everyone's like, oh, it's medical.
No, I don't think it's medical.
That's fucking weird.
But I've also never had like good, like I've never, I guess like God hasn't really ever come to me like that.
(18:37):
Or maybe I think he comes to me more through like social media, like on my tick talk.
It's a lot of like, because you know the algorithm.
So I'll be watching like more Christian stuff or like, he'll come to me through people, but I can feel him like when I pray or like when I like, like, like I, my body.
It's like a body.
You know what I mean?
Trust me.
(18:58):
I get it.
I get it.
Or like when I'm walking around my apartment after I watch the scary movie and I'm like, I rebuke all evil.
You know, like I can feel it in my body.
Like right now I'm talking about it.
I can feel it.
You know, I get it.
100%.
So I'm a curious guy.
What does Coke feel like?
So it's not the same crack.
(19:19):
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
It's the same like substance, but it's basically like you just feel like really just up like you're up, but it's not like mess where it's like mess is like more like a euphoric up, up, but Coke is like, so if you're drinking and you do, and this is why people do blow when they're drinking, it makes you more sober.
(19:41):
It just makes you really up.
Like you don't feel euphoric really unless you're taking the wrong shit.
But yeah, it just makes you really up.
And it makes you like more focused, I guess, because for me, and I hate to admit this.
So I used to like remember I said when I used to do blow is the bathroom of my school.
So I'd also used to do it before tutoring and I hate math.
(20:03):
I suck at it.
I've always thought about it.
Whatever.
So my parents got me into tutoring and I go to the bathroom like I hate this.
I do a lot and I come back.
I'm asking her all types of questions.
I'm like, yeah, like teach me something, you know, like I want to know.
But it also, yeah, it keeps you up.
Like if you don't do it, like, so there will be times like when I used to go to the bars a lot, we'd have a bar.
(20:30):
So that's like calls after bars.
So we go to like somebody's house, somebody would have a bag, like we just be fucking tweaking.
And then so like the next day, and even then sometimes it'd be a two day thing.
Yeah, it's it's it's off.
It's really a part of the culture like like almost every bar has somebody that's doing blow or more than one person.
(20:54):
It's definitely become like in Wisconsin is a big drinking state.
Like there's bars everywhere, like everywhere.
And I think flow has also become a part of the drinking culture because it lets you drink more.
It lets you feel the buzz of drinking a little bit, but you also feel like good.
Like you feel like you couldn't drink more.
It's not the I don't know.
(21:16):
I just think I have addicted tendencies because they really like sometimes I question why I even get it because like it's not even like my favorite thing, you know.
So that was good shit.
Sorry. Okay.
Question.
We're done crack.
Yes, I have and crack.
I'll tell you shit.
Like when they say crack is whack, crack is whack.
(21:38):
So I don't know if I should like go on the I talked to you about like Madison and like when I used to have a pimp.
So I remember just like smoking it all the time.
Like I would carpet surf.
I don't know if you've heard that carpet surfing basically when you're on the carpet, just like, where is it?
(21:59):
There's more.
There's more like shit like that.
Like it'll last good for literally and I'm not even kidding.
You take a hit 30 seconds goes by you're like more, more, more, more.
So strong.
It's strong, but it's like not like that either.
It's more so like Coke, but like like a little more.
So which one is strongest out of coke myth and correct.
(22:21):
Oh, Matt for sure.
Okay.
Yeah, it's just like masses more so of a it's like you're up, but you also feel like you could do anything, you know, like you're like superhero, whatever.
And it'll make you stay up for like fucking days, dude.
Okay.
So I have a story really quick.
Sorry, sidetracked in green Bay.
(22:43):
We actually just because I'm a part of the recovery community.
So I go to meetings like alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, heroin anonymous.
So basically ever since I started coming, like this was when I was like 19.
So I've been in and out of the room for a long time trying to get my shit together.
And I've had substantial amounts of clean time here and there, but I've always let men in my life and they've always I stopped focusing on God and I start focusing on them and then all of a sudden, yeah, it's awful.
(23:14):
So I decided to be single for a while.
But anyway, there's this guy, he's been in the part of their recovery community forever.
Like everybody knows him.
Everybody likes him.
He was sponsoring this other gentleman and sponsoring basically means like in recovery, there's the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous and you work the steps.
So it'll it'll help you find like spirituality and not religion, but spirituality because I know a lot of addicts are kind of like, like the whole God idea like, no, but you know, God comes to those who seek him.
(23:48):
And even if you don't call him by, you know, like he knows, you know, like I always say, you know, you know, I'm not a good person.
You know, like I always say good orderly direction.
You know what I mean?
But anyway, so he was sponsoring the guy and he's always been kind of angry when I see him at eating.
But there's this one time I saw him not too long ago.
He was doing really well.
He seems like happy and it was like a weird thing because I'd always see him in a bad mood.
(24:12):
And a couple weeks after that, he killed his sponsor.
He stabbed him 27 times and stabs his dog.
And he was in psychosis because he had stayed up on meth, but he also had schizophrenia.
So he's got a medication.
Yeah. Yeah.
He was just because like, even if you don't have schizophrenia, you're in psychosis.
You see things.
They're called the shadow people.
(24:34):
Yeah.
Like I don't think that I don't think that that's just because you stayed up.
I think that you staying up makes it easier for you to see what's around you because I personally think meth, especially meth is of the devil.
Yeah.
I think it is.
I mean, all drugs are, but that shit is like hardcore.
So people will see crazy shit.
Like it's legit.
I've only stayed up for five days and I don't know why, but other people like baby seeing shit, I don't.
(25:00):
But I think that's because I'm protected and I've always been protected.
You know, like so.
But yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, it is crazy.
And I'm only smiling because that's what I do.
That's a nervous thing.
Listen.
I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I know what the fuck.
I don't know.
Nothing's funny.
How's it?
(25:21):
I was in the Marine Corps.
Yeah.
I was in the humor is, is, oh my God, it's fun.
Are we?
Yeah.
I've worked in restaurants where it's all men and it's, it's like, yeah, buzz driver sense of humor or whatever.
Yeah.
I can believe like all men in an area, the sense of humor is like just crazy.
(25:42):
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you work around a lot of men or you hang with a lot of men, you get to see just how
fucked up we were in there.
So how did you meet your pimp?
Okay.
So I was living in, so basically I was in rehab for the first time in Madison, Wisconsin.
I got kicked out of rehab because I was a little shit and was like, fuck this.
(26:04):
Like this is just a cheese break, you know, this thing for me.
Right.
So then I moved out, I moved into a sober living.
When I say sober living, it's not like the normal sober, like normal sober living will be a house president.
You'll have to go to meetings.
You have chores, this and that.
Like there's rules, you know, and there's people watching over you.
This sober living, there was like nobody around.
(26:27):
No drug tests.
Right.
So this other gal had moved in there.
So she started doing heroin right off the bat.
And so I started doing it, I got really bad at crack at that time too.
That was like the first time I really tried crack.
So I was really bad at the crack and I was bad at two.
I was doing a lot of Molly.
(26:48):
I wouldn't say I was doing a mess at that time.
I've only had done mess one time before that and it was in New Mexico.
I hadn't tried it in Madison until.
So I started working at Taco Bell and there was this girl that worked there.
Fuck that bitch.
But anyway, she was like this big scary, scary female.
And she was cool at first, you know, like she obviously knew what I did.
(27:13):
Whoever she was dating, he was a pimp, right?
So they had me come over to their house and they were talking like, oh yeah, like we can make money and you can have all these drugs and it'll be like so good.
And I was like, yeah, fuck it, whatever.
Like I respect sex work, like even to this day, I still do.
I wouldn't personally do it and I know a lot of sex workers don't do it for that reason either.
(27:38):
You know what I mean?
It's not like that.
So basically she had broken up with her boyfriend, like literally right after that.
I had gotten kicked out of my sober living because when I was at work one day, they haunted the TV for $70 worth of crack.
I wasn't even there.
I didn't even get to participate.
I just came home like where the fuck's the TV?
(27:59):
And so the owners of the house came in and they're like, where is the TV?
And they kicked us all out.
I'm like, I didn't even like, what do you mean?
Yeah.
Like, okay, but whatever.
So I moved into her apartment and at first it was like, sure, it wasn't bad.
Mind you, her kids lived there.
Her seven year old child.
Right.
Live there.
She was an asshole to him.
(28:20):
He's literally, it was terrible.
He has walked.
He's left me there with him because she was off at work and I had people go to the house and he's seen some shit, dude.
Like I feel terrible.
I feel awful.
Like he's seen some shit.
Like I've, she's literally allowed me to smoke crack in that house while he was there.
It was terrible.
She started treating me like shit because she had introduced me to mess.
(28:44):
And so I was doing that now.
So I was staying up all the time.
I wasn't cleaning myself.
I, she had me fucking all these dudes all the fucking time.
She took all the money.
She had me steal shit for myself and she was like, but I thought you wanted this.
But like this year buying chains, you got a flat cream.
You got a new leather couch that you got a new car.
(29:05):
And I'm over here with a fake gold chain and I found out it was safe.
And then I was like, you know what?
Fuck this.
Like I'm getting treated like absolute dog shit.
Like this is not what I signed up for.
I had called my friend and her, her and her boyfriend picked me up.
They took me to this other guy's trap, this 86 year old.
I don't know what the fuck I was doing.
(29:26):
This trap house, all these people were there smoking crack all the time.
There was a dealer that lived upstairs, a dealer that lived over there.
They all wanted me.
So I'm like, whatever, fuck it.
Like let's, let's go.
And I swear to God, I was sleeping on pillows in an empty room.
And every night the plug would come there and he'd be like, is it Diana?
Like where's Diana?
(29:47):
Blah, blah, blah, so whatever.
Was he coming to get, was he coming to get services from you or what?
Well, he's, yeah, like a lot of plugs, they have like these dope hoes that walk around with them,
do shit for them, free drugs, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So that like I'd be doing that.
I'd have to do stuff with him because he would get jealous that I would have fucking all these other dudes.
(30:10):
So yeah, he's 86 year old.
Man, what the fuck Diana?
Anyway, I don't get 86.
Crazy work.
How the fuck was he?
Why do you think he was selling drugs at 86?
That seems like a very odd number to start selling dope.
Oh, he wasn't selling it.
He was, he just had his house.
(30:31):
Okay.
It was low income housing.
He was drug addict.
So everybody would come because you know, it's the trap.
People, he named his house the trap so people could come and sell out of there.
He'd get a little bit.
Other people can come and smoke it.
He'd get a little bit because he's the owner of the house, the place to do drugs.
Yeah.
(30:52):
So he, Tub's trying to hit me up, hit me up, like, come back.
I swear it'll be different this time.
So she sent me like this big ass picture of this crack rock.
It was like this big.
I'm like, stay let.
So I went back the first night I went back.
She left me with this big crack rock, whatever, like she went to go work.
(31:13):
I started smoking it.
Like my heart started hurting.
And this wasn't the first time, you know, like my shit was.
So I was like, you know what, I'm going to put this away.
I stayed on the couch.
I fell asleep.
And that's how you know, I've been up for so long because you can't just be falling asleep on crack.
That's literally no, it's like falling asleep on mess, you know, but I fell asleep.
(31:34):
She came back.
She's like, I've been talking to this other girl.
She was like saying, like, oh, like I'm going to put her on like you can feature this and that.
So we went to lacrosse because that's where the other girl was.
That's where her family lives or her friends.
There was a big ass party.
Like I was supposed to be working in, but at the same time I'm like, dude, can I just like party?
Like what?
So we were partying.
(31:55):
She bought a huge bag of Coke, a huge bag of Coke.
So we were all staying up, doing blow.
Then her and this other guy, they started fucking on me.
I literally had to fuck this bitch.
And yeah, she made me fuck her.
It was disgusting.
But I had to, yeah, she like embarrassed me in front of her friends.
She like wanted them to see that.
(32:16):
Like I was her like little whatever and that she treated me like shit.
And it was, honestly, she wanted to seem like these big time, like she wanted to have like these,
I feel like she wanted to seem like she was a big pimp around like all these other guys were like,
that's what she wanted.
She wanted to seem like that.
And so she started treating me like absolute shit.
We literally were doing it for like hours.
(32:39):
I hated it.
I did not want any part of it.
So then she fell asleep because she's been drinking whatever, whatever.
So I started, the suit started flirting with me.
I started flirting with him too, but it was only flirting and I didn't really, whatever.
I didn't want to.
She came and I also went to the bar without her because she was sleeping.
Meantime, like this other girl, the one that I was talking about,
(33:01):
she started texting her telling her like, oh, Diana's doing this, Diana's doing that.
Making me seem like I'm just out here while I was, but it's, can I not?
Like what the fuck?
So she wakes up, she starts screaming at me being like, I should just piss on you.
Like you're a piece of shit.
You ain't nothing.
You're a bomb.
All this shit, right?
So I'm like, okay.
(33:22):
I, so on the way back, I'm like, I'm fucking done.
Like I am done.
You know what I mean?
And so I try to leave again.
She won't let me take any of my shit.
She's like, oh, I bought this for you.
I bought that you can't have that bitch.
I bought that just like I bought everything else.
My money.
You fucking con.
I'm sorry.
I hate her.
I hate her.
(33:43):
But anyway, so I'm trying to leave and she throws my phone down the toilet.
Oops.
Okay.
Guess what?
I was like, I'm not going to the cops.
I didn't want to.
I wasn't going to, but now I have to.
So I went to the McDonald's called the cops.
She was right there.
She met them first actually, but I had already been on the phone with them.
That's dangerous.
So yeah, she met them first.
(34:04):
Oh, um, she was like, yeah, that's my ex.
She stole $200.
Okay.
They didn't believe her obviously, but they wanted to make it seem like they believed her.
This was a federal case now.
So I had a federal agent who took me into this room.
Like it wasn't even like, it wasn't even like a scary questioning room.
Like they usually, it was like a, it was just like an office and he was nice.
(34:26):
So I knew that he wasn't like trying to like, you know, lock me up.
Like he was nice to me.
He found me a place to go.
That place might have been like a crazy place, but he found me a place to go.
Um, and then I ended up going to another rehab.
(34:47):
I actually started that one because I was fraternizing,
which you're not supposed to,
fraternizing with men.
Yeah.
So then I came to Green Bay,
I moved into a legit sober living,
but then he was like, oh, he came down,
he was like, so her email is attached
to all these back page advertisements of me.
(35:08):
A dumb bitch attacked her email address
before back page got closed down,
so they knew it was her.
So what's back page?
Is it like a social media ad?
Back page, okay, so back page was basically where like,
you could sell things.
Like it's closed down now because everybody used it
for being able to prostitute,
(35:28):
so that they would put like a picture,
she would put a picture of me,
you're like Russian girl,
da, da, da, da, massage.
You'd always have to say massage
for a certain amount of money.
You can never say like,
you can't obviously say like, oh yeah,
like you're, she's a prostitute,
you'd have to say she's a prostitute.
So that's how people would get away with it.
Okay.
(35:49):
So yeah, so back page got shut down
just for that reason alone, I think,
because a lot of that was happening on there.
So yeah, I didn't wanna like,
they made me a deal to basically give her like,
two years probation, she's still a felon,
but it's solicitation of prostitution,
but she's still a felon.
I'm okay with, I didn't wanna see her in court,
(36:09):
like fuck her, like, karma's a bitch.
I'm sure she's already gotten everything that she deserves.
If you had to give any advice to,
we'll say young girls,
young girls growing up in a big city,
or just young girls in general, what would you say?
I would say, don't get caught up in the nightlife.
Don't get caught up in drugs
and don't let anybody like sweet talk you,
(36:31):
like focus on yourself, focus on your family,
focus on your career,
because that's the things that I have,
wasn't focusing on and now I'm backtracking,
because like, eventually you'll get to the point
where it is something that you will want for yourself,
you could have just already had it
and pushed through it without having to backtrack.
So what did you learn from this?
(36:54):
Well, I'm gonna ask you this,
are you currently on drugs
or dealing with prostitution at all?
Not at all.
Okay.
I have almost three months over,
I just got a job, I just got my HSDD too.
Okay.
Cause I dropped out of high school.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So yeah, no, I'm not currently on drugs.
(37:17):
I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking, nothing.
I would say to those like girls
that are thinking about it,
like it might seem like it's easy,
it might seem like it's not gonna have a toll
on your mental,
but eventually like you can dissociate for only so long,
but like you'll always like,
you'll always remember it,
like you'll feel like you'll have lower self-esteem
(37:38):
because of it, you know what I mean?
Like it will affect you.
It will.
If you plan on ever getting married,
like I mean, like I'm not saying like,
cause I've known a lot of them that haven't judged me,
but if you fall in love with a guy, like,
and you know, some guys will, they will judge you.
Like that can hinder your,
a perfect relationship for you too.
(37:59):
Yeah.
You know?
Like it's not worth,
the money is not worth the,
like how you're gonna feel about yourself.
And I'm not saying I feel bad about myself,
but like it, it makes you see the world differently.
Yeah.
That's my next question.
How has your view towards men changed?
Oh my God.
Like I, I'm not gonna say like it's a bad view
(38:23):
cause I like, I, but I just,
I think a lot of guys are dogs.
I do.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of guys are dogs.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Ain't gonna lie to you, they are.
A lot of guys, man.
I learned the most about men from women, you know?
Cause a guy would get in front of me
and I met this one guy, man.
It was the craziest thing ever,
(38:43):
but he was married, I'm married.
And we were talking about our wives
because that's what guys do.
And I was like, you know,
I'm ready to get home and see my kids,
see my wife and he was like saying, man, saying,
then a couple of minutes later,
he was, you know, texting this girl,
trying to get her to meet up with him so he can fuck.
Yes.
And I'm like, you was just, you know,
he had just got off the phone.
(39:04):
I have a story.
I know it's crazy.
And I'm like, and I told him, like,
cause me, I'm that friend that's going to hold
your fucking ass accountable, you know?
As you should.
Not everybody wants to hear it,
but I'll learn if you-
But people need to.
Yeah.
Like because if she's home
and I heard her tell him,
I love you and I miss you so much.
(39:24):
So, and I heard his kids in the background.
So I asked him, I'm like, bro,
how long have you been married?
And he's like two years.
I say, do you love her?
He say more than anything in the world.
I say-
So what are you doing?
I was like, bro, so what are you doing?
And he was like, man, I just want to fuck, bro.
He was like, man, it ain't nothing deeper than that.
I just got to get this nut off.
And I say, bro, we,
cause we had went to schools in Arizona.
(39:46):
The school paid for our flights
and we came out to Arizona,
stayed out there for a month.
And I'm like, bro, you can't go a month
without sticking your dick in something.
And he was like, man, you know, I gotta fuck.
He was like, I have a high safety if I gotta fuck.
And I'm like, well, okay.
I live it at that.
Yeah.
I don't like, I get people have high sex drives,
but like you have your hand first of all,
(40:08):
and they're all like, it's not the same.
It's not the same.
But like maybe you should focus on like going,
like thinking about why, why you're like that.
Like-
Exactly.
Cause it wasn't always.
It can't have been always like that.
Yeah, man.
It's ridiculous.
Like don't get me wrong for a month away from my wife.
I was only two, but I made it up in my mind
that I was going too fast for a month
(40:29):
and just use my sexual energy to transmute it,
to pass the fucking, to pass the class that I was in.
And I'm like, and I started to tell him like,
bro, you can take that energy and just transmute it
to help you pass the class.
And he went here and done that shit.
He wanted to fuck something.
And I think he did.
I think he did.
So he cheated on me.
Well, okay.
(40:49):
So I have like, okay.
So my ex-boyfriend, I still have feelings for him.
I don't think he's gonna, I don't give a fuck, whatever.
So on Valentine's Day, he messages me
and he adds me on Snapchat.
He's like, I add him back.
I'm like, who is this? Because I honestly didn't know.
He's like, it's your favorite ex-boyfriend.
And then he sends me a picture of his newborn baby.
(41:12):
Why?
I don't know.
Okay. I'm like, I obviously, I asked him, I'm like,
is that yours?
He's like, yeah, you're like making small talk.
Like, but he has a baby mama, like his girlfriend.
He just had a child.
What are you, why are you messaging me?
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah.
I didn't even like, it was like, he was like,
(41:34):
I'm sorry for ditching you that one day.
Like, I just, I hope you're doing really well,
like this and that, but it's like, why?
Yeah. I don't have an explanation
on why I would ever do that to a woman.
Like, especially a woman where I know
she's still in love with me.
Like, yeah.
I don't think he knows that.
But I've made it, like I, maybe he does,
(41:56):
but I don't know if he still has feelings.
I don't know.
But it's like, there was plenty of opportunity
for you to break up with her.
Yeah.
You know, there was plenty of opportunity.
And like, yeah, I did him a really dirty, I did.
I cheated on him, but I was, I was using,
I was getting drunk.
I was, I was younger.
I was, yeah, I did him super dirty.
(42:18):
And I'm, which is why I'm surprised
that he's even like taking the time to reach out to me.
Yeah.
Cause he messaged me again today,
like a selfie of himself.
I'm like, why?
I think he trying to kind of ease his way back in.
I think if he, if he's bold enough to say
that he's your favorite ex-boyfriend,
I think he knows that you still have something for him.
(42:42):
Cause I'm not going to talk that way to a woman.
Every man has his favorite.
I've been married for six years.
Any woman that I've left alone, I don't fuck with.
But if I had to go backwards, I don't even think,
I don't even, nah, fuck all of them.
Right. That's what I'm saying.
Fuck all of them, man.
That's what my friend Mikey, Mikey said too.
(43:04):
He was like, I don't know.
He probably just wants attention or like to get a nut off.
But I'm not going to do that.
I don't like his girlfriend.
I'm not going to say that I do.
I don't like her, but she just had a baby, his baby.
Like it's all different now, man.
Like I might have, and I might have thought about it,
but now you got a kid.
(43:24):
Like this is family, you know what I'm saying?
Like,
like this isn't just your life.
It's not just her life.
It's that baby's life too.
Yeah.
Do you have kids?
No, I don't.
But.
Do you want kids?
I do.
I've been told that I would have to like take a medication
to have kids by a doctor.
So like hopefully like when I do want a child,
(43:44):
I can have one, but if I can't,
then I can't adopt because I was adopted.
So like why not?
It's interesting, man,
because the people that want to have kids
can't have kids and the motherfuckers.
I know.
And they didn't want kids.
Right.
I got kids, man.
Right, what the fuck, man?
You know what I'm saying?
I love my children, but I didn't want kids
(44:04):
because I lived a very dangerous lifestyle
when I was younger and I always thought
that I was going to get killed early.
Yeah, be like that.
I also think like maybe like,
maybe God is just like letting me,
like maybe he's waiting for me until I find the right one.
Right.
The one that he wants me to be with, you know?
Right.
Do you want to be married?
I do.
(44:25):
Like probably not now.
I kind of have a lot of making up to do
for my past mistakes.
So I want to focus on myself and get my career going.
Like, because now that I have my high school diploma,
I want to go to school to be a substance abuse counselor
because I've always wanted to be like a counselor
of some sort, but I feel like that's my calling
(44:47):
because I know when I was in rehab
and there was all these counselors, like they're book smart
and they mean well, but like,
you don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
These books ain't teaching you the street shit.
Okay.
So I want to be that.
I was getting marriage counseling from a lady
who wasn't married and I asked her what she married
(45:07):
and she was like, no, I kind of looked at her like.
Right.
Yeah.
You're like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Like how the fuck are you going to tell me about marriage
when you're not going home to be your husband?
Like the fuck?
Right.
It's real weird.
Like I know they mean well, but it's like,
you have to have some sort of experience.
(45:28):
I'm not just going to listen to you
because you graduated with a bachelor's.
Right.
Like I graduated with the highest diploma,
I think already by what I've been through.
So.
Yeah, experience.
You know, right, experience.
Experience, yeah.
So.
Experiences is definitely man, it'll get you a long way.
But I mean, what are some parting messages you have
(45:51):
for the people watching?
I hope that my story makes you think about
not doing the things that I've done.
I might seem like I'm okay, like I am okay,
but it's taken me a lot of time to be where I am today.
You know what I'm saying?
And if you're like in recovery and you're thinking about,
oh, like maybe I'll go out there
(46:11):
and maybe it'll be different this time.
It won't be different.
I've done it.
I've been in the rooms in and out, in and out, in and out.
It will not be different.
It'll be much worse.
And you'll have a lot more to clean up.
Okay, I can do that.
In the future, we may come back and do a part two.
All right.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Take care, you too.
Bye.
Bye.
(46:32):
Kiss, bye.
Kiss, bye.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
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