December 26, 2024 • 34 mins
Hey Salted Athlete Fam!
In today’s episode, I wanted to take a moment to connect with all of you and share a personal story from my final year of NCAA college athletics. It was a year where God’s presence was unmistakeable in every single moment. After suffering a season ending injury, I was forced to step outside of myself and remember that my purpose was much bigger than just my sport. Through this journey, God showed me the power of asking for help and leaning on others. He taught me to find rest in Him and to embrace joy - even in the midst of challenging circumstances.
Tune in to hear more about this special story - I hope it resonates with you and offers some encouragement along the way!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up Salted Athlete fam? It's ya girl, Tiana Weeks. Merry Christmas, happy New Year.
(00:23):
As you can tell Evan is not on this podcast today as he is traveling to the US right now
with his wife and celebrating the holidays with his family. We figured that it would
be best for me to take the lead on the podcast, at least for now, and Evan will join us when
he is available, which is awesome. But anyways, that is a challenge in itself because I am
(00:50):
much more of a listener than a yapper, and Evan is much more of a yapper than a listener,
and so this is a little challenging for me to just sit and talk for so long, and yeah,
just bear with me as I am figuring this all out because I would rely on Evan a ton to
(01:13):
be our talking lead. So anyways, I figured I'd hop on here and share with you guys a
little bit more about how the Lord really showed up for me in college athletics, specifically
in my senior year, and so that's what I really want to talk about, is my very last year of
(01:37):
college volleyball. I feel like if I were to talk about all five years of college volleyball,
we'd be here for a long time, so we'll stick with just my senior year today and probably
eventually get to the other years at some point. But yeah, so here we go. Also, did
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you guys like that new intro song? I kind of love it, so we're gonna stick with that,
but it makes me super happy and I figured it would make you guys happy too. So moving
on, my senior year of college volleyball, you guys, was 2021, so that was obviously right
after COVID, and I went to school at Cal State East Bay, which is in Hayward, California,
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in the Bay area near San Francisco, and there were just a ton of COVID restrictions even
in 2021, so my senior season was completely canceled. We had no games, we were just practicing
the whole year, practicing and strength training and conditioning and all the things, so that
(02:50):
kind of was not fun because I felt like I left East Bay with not a ton of closure. You know,
I was in all online classes because we couldn't meet in person and we were practicing every
day and there were no games and I had no senior night and I didn't get to walk the stage for
graduation, so there's just a bunch of things that I had just worked my whole life for and
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felt like I got no closure on any of it, which is fine, but it just was not settling well
with me. So after that year in 2022, I moved back to Arizona and again, just feeling kind
of unsettled. So I reached out to my coach in the spring of 2023 when I was living in
Arizona and basically just said, what are the odds? I come back to East Bay and use
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my COVID year of eligibility and play one more season with you. A lot of prayer went
into this and I had asked the Lord to, you know, open the door as if it was from Him
and to very obviously shut the door if it was not and she responded by saying, absolutely,
(04:02):
we would love to have you back for one more season. So that was it. So I went back. There
is a lot more that went into it, obviously, but every single door that could open for
me to go back to East Bay opened and it was just a super clear and obvious sign from the
Lord that like he did want me to go back to East Bay, which was super cool. My exact same
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room and my exact same apartment that I had been living in the previous four years was
open. Someone had just moved out. So there was an open spot for me to move back into.
I had already lived with the roommate I was going to live with and there was an open position
for me on the team. There was just like just a ton of doors that kept opening. So I decided
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to pack up my car and head back to East Bay. There was one prompting on my heart though
from the Lord where I felt like he was just saying, Fiona, I am using volleyball to get
you back to East Bay, but that is not the reason you're going back. And so I just had
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that on my heart. And at first I was a little confused, like, okay, I hear you. What do you
mean by that? Like, am I going to get injured? Am I going to have the best season ever and
have to remember that it's like all for you and not for me or, you know, like what's going
to go, what's going to happen? And anyway, so I'm going back to East Bay with it in mind
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that this season is for so much more than myself and the Lord is just using volleyball
as a vessel to get me back to the Bay area. But volleyball is not the reason I am going,
you know. So anyways, that was just in the back of my mind for pretty much my whole
last season of volleyball. So with that in mind, I reached out to the Athletes Bible
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Study on campus at East Bay. It's called Athletes University, where I connected with
the head guy of it. His name is Elliot. Elliot Hot, he is phenomenal. And so I got connected
with him. He's amazing. He took me under his wing and we led Athletes Bible Study together
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with a couple other athletes as well. So that was a ton of fun. And just a good way to make
sure I was staying in the word and I was getting connected to like-minded athletes and we were
encouraging each other within our sports and within our faith and it was just a really
sweet community. And I figured, okay, Lord, maybe this is why you brought me back to East
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Bay to get plugged into university and to lead athletes Bible studies and to do life
with these athletes, whatever. And it was amazing. However, volleyball was still tough.
I had been off of volleyball for about a year at this point and even technically longer
because I didn't get a senior season. And so training was hard, but it was good. And
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just getting back into things was a lot. I think physically I was fine. I mean, you know,
college athletics, it just takes a number on your body. But I feel like mentally I was
more struggling with performance anxiety and just playing out of fear and wanting to be
perfect and how I played and just fear of messing up and all the things. I felt just
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like I was putting a ton of pressure on myself, which is pretty normal for me. But it just
felt like it was to an extreme. My senior, well, like this season that I went back to
East Bay, it would come to the point where I would, well, I was a four rotation outside.
And so I would come off the court for two rotations. And it was so hard for me to catch
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my breath just because I was so anxious. I just could not breathe. I would just have
to take a moment before I could catch my breath to go back out and play. And I don't know
what it was. I think it was just a bunch of past feelings from when I was a college athlete
the other years of just, I don't know, just a bunch of negative feelings that came back
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up of like, you have to be perfect. Otherwise, you're going to get taken off the court, which
was not even necessarily the case. It's like, yeah, I mean, if you keep messing up, you're
probably going to be taken off the court. But if you mess up once or like whatever, it's
not going to be the end of the world. But I just felt like it was. And so I was just
really putting my identity in volleyball and myself worth in volleyball again. And this
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is just a side note, but I remember I missed my serve in one of the games and came off
the court after that rotation and my teammate just looked at me and she said, you are so
much more than that serve. You like, you're not that serve. You're so much more than that.
And that was just a sweet reminder from my teammate. And I felt like from the Lord of
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just like, Tiana, you're here for more than volleyball. You are not your mistake. It's
okay that you messed up. Maybe you don't miss it again. But no one is going to remember
that in the long run. I mean, maybe my coaches will. But besides that, it's like no one is
going home at night thinking about how I missed my serve and thinking like, oh, Tiana is the
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worst because she missed her serve. And all of her successes that gave me nothing because
she missed her serve, you know, like that is just a lie from the enemy. And that's not
even true. So it was so sweet of my teammate to just look me in the eyes and take the time
to remind me of my identity and speak some truth over me in that moment. So that was
very, very sweet. But anyways, moving along, I would pray before games and I was really
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studying the Bible and I was going to athletes Bible study and just all these things. And
I felt like I just could not get over this anxiety that I was feeling. So fast tracking
a little bit at this point, it's October now. I'm still starting and I'm playing. And I
get injured in one of our games in SoCal. And I'm not for the rest of the game because
(10:17):
I sprained my ankle or whatever it was. And I have dealt with a ton of ankle injuries
in my college career and have stress fractured it and you know, all the things torn a bunch
of ligaments and there's partially torn ligaments in there and whatever. And so I just have
a really bad ankle and so injured at that game was out for the rest of the game. But
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you know, as an athlete is the worst to be told that you can't play your sport. So I
go into practice the at that point, I think our game was like on a Friday. And so I was
out the next game on Saturday, then we flew back to NorCal and had practice that Monday.
And and then we were getting ready to leave for SoCal again, I think that Thursday or
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something. And so we had a couple of days of practice under us before we left again.
And I was told that, you know, if I don't practice this week, then I am obviously not
playing this weekend because you need to be practicing to be playing in the games. And
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so I was talking to my athletic trainer and he was just said, you know, you can't be jumping,
you definitely can't be sprinting. There's a bunch of limitations you can practice, but
you have to be careful of all the stuff I say, okay, okay, whatever. And so anyways,
naturally, I'm jumping a ton. I'm doing sprints. I'm doing all the things that I'm not supposed
to do because I want to travel and I want to play anyways. And so I so I am playing in
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practice. And this particular drill, my team loses and the punishment is that if you lose,
you have to go to the wall, sprint to a wall and then sprint back and touch the wall again.
And the last one to touch the wall has to do an extra sprint. So I'm like, okay, I'm
not sprinting this thing again, I'm getting this one and done. I'm not even supposed to
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be sprinting, but here we are. And so I go to the wall, sprint to the wall on my way
back to the next wall. Guys, I'm kind of on the tail end. And you know, naturally, as
if you're sprinting into a wall, you're going to start to slow down so you can break your
speed nicely and not like run into the wall. Well, not me. Okay, I'm on the tail end. So
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I'm speeding up into this wall because I don't want to run another sprint. And so I put my
arms out in front of me to break my speed as I'm speeding up into the wall. And my arms
hit the wall and immediately go limp for what, you know, like just to not run another sprint
to on it at what cost. Anyways, and so, hey, for as a Lord, I didn't get lost in that sprint.
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So I didn't have to do another one. But again, like at what cost because you literally can't
feel your arms now. So I go get to go get a drink of water. I'm like, something is not
right. Something is super off both my arms feel like I've never felt this feeling before.
And so I go back out to the court. And I pass the ball. And immediately I knew that something
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was wrong because I have never felt that kind of pain in my life. And so I went to the athletic
trainer really quick, told him what happened. I told him that my wrists were feeling really
weird. And so he taped my wrists, and then I went back out to play. And I was like balling,
balling crying in the athletic training room. And I put my tears away and I go back out
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to play. And they serve me in the ball and I pass it again. And guys, again, such bad
pain. And I was like, I literally cannot pass. I can try hitting but I cannot pass the ball
because it is hurting so bad. Anyways, and so I told my coach that which sucks because
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again, it takes like extreme measures to tell your coach you can't play because you're hurt.
Like, you've got to be kind of on your deathbed, or like you had to have broken a bone to not
play. Like it's got to be really extreme. Guys come to find out I did break something,
but that's to come. So anyways, after practice, I had my teammate drive me to urgent care
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because I couldn't drive my car because I couldn't move my arms. And I couldn't like
rotate them or internally externally rotate them or whatever. And so I go to urgent care
and there's this little x-ray machine that the lady puts my arm under, but she has to
like, it's urgent care. So it's not like super high tech. So the x-ray machine isn't adjusting
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to me. I have to adjust to the x-ray machine. And so this poor lady is trying to help me
out both my arms, get both of them x-rayed. And I am just in excruciating pain. I am balling,
crying. I'm playing worship music because that is the only thing that can calm me down
right now. And I am just like, cannot breathe. I am in so much pain. I have never been in
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this much pain in my life. And I feel like I'm not even like over-exaggerating. I can
tolerate pain pretty well. And I have played through pain before and have worked out through
it. It takes like extreme, extreme measures for me to feel this way. So anyways, I'm crying,
I'm balling. And she's trying to move my arms in all these different positions for this
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stupid x-ray. And I'm just like, I literally cannot move my arm how you want me to move
my arm. Like, I don't know what to tell you anyways. And so she comes back, I'm crying
in the little room she has me in. And she comes back and tells me, guys, she tells me
both my arms are broken. I'm like, for sure. I just immediately imagined that one Sponge
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Bob episode where that guy like has two broken arms. And that's what I pictured I was gonna
like look like. And so I'm like crying. I'm kind of laughing. Just like, of course, this
would happen to me. Like, that's just of course, you know, guys, if you played any year of
college sports with me, you would just know that this would happen to me. So anyways,
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I have my teammate drive me back to the apartment and the car ride was so painful. It felt like
my arms were like the bones in my arms were moving with every speed bump we went over.
And so I had my teammate pull over so I could get out of the car and then walk the rest
of the way home because it was just too painful. Anyway, guys, I moral the story, I was just
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in so much pain. And so I go to the apartment and my sweet, sweet teammates and roommates
are there. And I again cannot move my arms above my head. I can't rotate them. I can't
they are just like semi no at this point, I think they were both 90 degrees bent and
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could not straighten and could not like move above my head. So just picture both my arms
90 degrees. That's where they were stuck. And so my sweet roommate, she runs the bathtub
water and washes my hair for me. And then she has to I still have these clothing items,
by the way, but she has to cut off my practitioner and cut off my sports bra. And I had to cut
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off my spandex so then I could try and shower on my own. And yeah, it was just it was so
wild. And obviously now I can't travel that weekend because of my broken arms. And my
coach was offering to still travel me and to still take me and everything. But I figured
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if I couldn't handle a speed bump in the car, there's no way like the thought of me being
on the plane as it was taking off and landing made me want to cry because of thinking of
how much pain that would like cause me. And so I figured I would just stay in the bay
while my team went and I'd watch them online. So I found an actual like orthopedic guy to
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go to to look at my arms and stuff. Turns out, praise the lord, it was only one broken
arm. And the other arm was just severely like jammed and sprained or something. And then
they both had nerve damage, which I have never had before, but it was a broken arm and nerve
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damage. And it was strained and sprained and jammed. I was like, Oh my gosh, anyways,
but I didn't have to be the guy in SpongeBob with two broken arms. All I had was one sling.
Um, so it was season ending injury. My bone didn't heal for another couple, or I guess
a few months. And it took a full, honestly, probably a full year to get. I wouldn't even
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say I still don't have full range of motion at this point. I still feel like the nerve
is a little wonky. But anyways, it took about a year to get most of my range of motion back.
So well past the end of my season. Anyways, all of this just to say that I wanted to bring
you guys back to the part where I felt the Lord so, so evidently put on my heart since
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before I went back to East Bay that he was taking me back for more than just volleyball.
Again, he was using volleyball to get me back to East Bay, but volleyball was not the reason
I was going back. It was not for me, but it was for him. And so when I was asked about
my injury, there was just an overwhelming sense of peace. Obviously I was still, you
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know, discouraged and upset. And that's not how I wanted my senior year to look. However,
there was peace and comfort in having confidence that that's how it was supposed to go this
season. And right when I was putting my identity and my worth in my sport and feeling so anxious
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and so performance driven that the Lord was honestly kind enough to strip that all the
way from me. And I'm not saying he broke my arms or my arm, but I am saying he, you know,
allowed that to happen. And it allowed me to remember why I was even back at East Bay
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and remember that there is still so much I can do for his kingdom. When I'm not playing
my sport, I don't have to only glorify him when I'm playing volleyball, I can glorify
him through everything I do. And I think one, I don't think I know one lesson that I learned
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from that season was how to not only serve others, but to have others serve me. Some
of you may be able to relate, but as a college athlete, I found it super difficult to ask
for help. The mindset is just like, okay, coach says this, I do this, I have this at
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this time, this at this time, oh, you're injured, suck it up, oh, you're hurt, go to the athletic
trainer, figure it out, be a practice by this time, whatever. Oh, this is what my mental
health looks like, figured out, whatever. Anyways, and so I just found it super difficult
to ask for help. And in this season of life with my broken arm and my jammed arm, I had
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to seek help. And I feel like I honestly didn't even really have to ask for it because my
teammates were so sweet and would just help me, they would just put up my hair for me
or braid it or wash it for me or whatever. They were so supportive and so sweet. So I
felt like the Lord was honestly so kind to just remind me that, hey, you're here for
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me, you're not here for you. And it's okay to need help and it's okay to be served. And
like, just let people bless you and bless people as well. So super unfortunate, but
also super, super sweet. And in one of the Bible studies at that time that I was going
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to, my friends were leading this certain Bible study, Grace and Abby shout out, but they
were leading a Bible study. And this was maybe a month, maybe, maybe like a couple of weeks
or a month after I broke my arm, Grace and Abby were leading this Bible study on 2nd
Timothy 416-18, which says at my, oh, this is a just backstory. This is where we see
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Paul's trust in the Lord really unwaver even through harsh times. So it says, as my first
defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me, may not be held against them,
but the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength. So that through me, the message might
be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the
lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely
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to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen. And both Grace and Abby,
my friends went on to explain that, you know, relating this to athletes. As athletes, a
lot of things don't go as we planned. We fight injuries. We struggle with time management.
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We have the pressure to perform well and so much more. How can we allow the Lord to strengthen
us during these times? The Lord is near, even when it may not feel like it. And this was
just such a timely Bible study because I was just reminded that although I was feeling
like the Lord was just not near and He was not present with me and although I was praying,
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I felt like my words were going void. It was just such a good reminder to know that the
Lord is near and we have to use our trials and our struggles to grow closer to Him and
to produce our faith. And yeah, it was just, it was just a sweet reminder to know that
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the Lord is near. And it's like, hello, Tiana. He literally prompted on your heart that you
were going to be here for Him and not you. And so why do you feel like He is not present?
Like He is so evidently present in all of this. And again, it's just in your circumstances
when you're standing so close to them. Sometimes it's a little hard to gain clarity and to
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see the Lord, the vision's a little cloudy and you're just so caught up in, you know,
the day to day and the mundane of everything and the reminder every time I look at a volleyball
that I can't play. And so there's just a lot of, oh, Lord, do you even see me? Like, why
am I even here? And then just a bonk on the head like, hello, I am here. I sent you here.
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I'm with you. But in the most gentle and kind way possible, of course. So yeah, I just felt
like in that season of life, the Lord showed me how to be more intentional with allowing
people to serve me and to be able to serve people in ways that maybe I wasn't able to
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if I was playing. Again, I felt like I was really focused on my performance and I was
super anxious and I was unable to give my teammates as much as I wanted to give them
until I got injured. Then I felt like I was able to step aside from myself and really
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pour into them and really focus on them and really reassure them. Just as my teammate
did when I missed that serve, to just really be there for them and to speak life and truth
over them. And I was able to see when they were getting anxious and then just again to
remind them that I believe in them and that they are not defined by their performance.
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And honestly, just go out there and have fun and do your thing. Whether we win or lose,
whether you play good or you play bad, I still love you. This team still loves you. Our coaches
still love you. Maybe they're going to be upside with you, but we all still love you.
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A bad game or a good game doesn't change my perspective on who you are as a human being.
So it was just sweet to be able to take the time to pour into my teammates and allow them
to pour into me too. So I felt like the Lord really redeemed my view on college volleyball
with that season getting injured, which is so crazy because I've been injured before
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in college volleyball and that was not my experience. So it was really sweet. Just a
sweet perspective shift. And another verse, it's probably the last thing I'm going to
talk about before I keep yapping your ears off, but was James versus two through four,
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I will say it says, consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face
trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Yes, I'm sure we've heard this verse, but I don't know, it's one of those verses where
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it's like, yeah, just consider it pure joy, you know, like it'll all be good. Just, you
know, find joy within it. And it's like, yeah, that's so fun when things are going well,
but then when you break your arm and you're out of the season and blah, blah, blah, it's
like, okay, how am I supposed to consider that pure joy? Because that's like the last
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emotion I feel is joyful. However, I was challenged to understand that both joy and trials can
coexist. You can have joy within your trials. You know, trials are inevitable for everyone.
It says whenever you can, you face trials, not if ever. And one of my favorite people,
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Megan Fate Marshman, shout out. She's not listening to this, but that'd be really cool.
She was, she said in one of her, one of her sermons, she says, James is not saying to
look at the child and to be happy about it. However, he's suggesting the fullness and
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pureness of joy within your trial. Yes, it's okay to feel sorrow. However, James is inviting
us to consider a new perspective, to consider joy as well within our trial. So yeah, dang,
sucks, I broke my arm. Dang, I'm out for the rest of my season. Dang, that sucks. However,
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consider a new perspective, consider joy. Yeah, I'm injured. Now I can take this time
to really pour into my teammates. Yeah, I'm injured. I can't lead on the court. I can
lead on the sideline. Now I have a new perspective. I can see the court. I can see things my
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teammates on the court cannot see because they're so close to it. So when they come off the
court, now I can let them know, hey, you can hit here, hey, deep line is open, hey, setters
front row when you're in this rotation, hit it here. Things like that were when I'm playing.
Shoot, I can't see that. All I think of is me trying to hit the ball over the net and not
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into the block, you know, they can't put my hair up on my own because my arm broke.
But hey, my teammate can put my hair up and maybe it doesn't look as good, but it's kind of fun
because that's so sweet of them to be putting my hair up for me. Hey, yeah, I got injured.
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However, fill in the blank, you know, whatever it is. Find a new perspective on the child you're
going through and consider joy within them. I think that'll be super helpful. So guys,
kind of a long story, kind of a roundabout way of saying a lot of things, but to close out,
just wanted to point out a couple things. One is to really lean into what the Lord is saying to you.
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Again, I really felt that on my heart, the Lord tell me that I was going to East Bay,
not for volleyball, but for something so much more than that, which was him and to share the
gospel and to share Jesus with other athletes and other people that go to East Bay.
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And I wouldn't have had that eternal perspective if I didn't lean into his voice. So lean into
the voice of the Lord. Where is he telling you to go? What is he telling you to do?
Two, obviously, don't put your identity in your sport. That's not eternal.
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It's only going to take you so far. However, it's really cool and you should use your sport to
glorify the Lord and to have fun, but do not put your worth in your sport. Three,
serve others, but also allow others to serve you as well. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be
served. It's okay. You don't have to have it all figured out. And while others are serving you,
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you may have a fuller cup to be able to serve out of that overflow as well. Lastly, consider it pure
joy, people. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a little more careful about what I'm
doing as well. Lastly, consider it pure joy, people. You don't have to be happy within the
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circumstances that you're in. Yeah, maybe they kind of suck. Yeah, maybe they aren't the best.
And you don't have to be exclusively joyful in your circumstances. However, consider
the perspective shift of finding joy within the circumstance that you're in. So boom, there it
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is. That's my solo episode for you guys. Let me know what you want to hear more of, maybe what you
want to hear less of. I have some friends coming on the podcast soon, so I'm really excited for
that. I've been connecting with some collegiate athletes, both current and retired, and I'm excited
just to get them on the podcast and to hear more about them and their stories. If you want to be
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on the podcast, let me know. I'm more than happy to meet you and talk with you and get you on. So
yeah, thanks guys for hearing a little bit more about my senior year. I just think it's a really
neat story of how the Lord just continuously opened doors and really provided and showed up for me
and redeemed my view of college volleyball. So yeah, thanks so much guys. Enjoy this sick outro
(34:21):
because I really love it and I hope you have the best day you've ever had. Bye!
What up Salted Athlete fam? It's ya girl, Tiana Weeks. Merry Christmas, happy New Year.
(00:23):
As you can tell Evan is not on this podcast today as he is traveling to the US right now
with his wife and celebrating the holidays with his family. We figured that it would
be best for me to take the lead on the podcast, at least for now, and Evan will join us when
he is available, which is awesome. But anyways, that is a challenge in itself because I am
(00:50):
much more of a listener than a yapper, and Evan is much more of a yapper than a listener,
and so this is a little challenging for me to just sit and talk for so long, and yeah,
just bear with me as I am figuring this all out because I would rely on Evan a ton to
(01:13):
be our talking lead. So anyways, I figured I'd hop on here and share with you guys a
little bit more about how the Lord really showed up for me in college athletics, specifically
in my senior year, and so that's what I really want to talk about, is my very last year of
(01:37):
college volleyball. I feel like if I were to talk about all five years of college volleyball,
we'd be here for a long time, so we'll stick with just my senior year today and probably
eventually get to the other years at some point. But yeah, so here we go. Also, did
(01:58):
you guys like that new intro song? I kind of love it, so we're gonna stick with that,
but it makes me super happy and I figured it would make you guys happy too. So moving
on, my senior year of college volleyball, you guys, was 2021, so that was obviously right
after COVID, and I went to school at Cal State East Bay, which is in Hayward, California,
(02:25):
in the Bay area near San Francisco, and there were just a ton of COVID restrictions even
in 2021, so my senior season was completely canceled. We had no games, we were just practicing
the whole year, practicing and strength training and conditioning and all the things, so that
(02:50):
kind of was not fun because I felt like I left East Bay with not a ton of closure. You know,
I was in all online classes because we couldn't meet in person and we were practicing every
day and there were no games and I had no senior night and I didn't get to walk the stage for
graduation, so there's just a bunch of things that I had just worked my whole life for and
(03:13):
felt like I got no closure on any of it, which is fine, but it just was not settling well
with me. So after that year in 2022, I moved back to Arizona and again, just feeling kind
of unsettled. So I reached out to my coach in the spring of 2023 when I was living in
Arizona and basically just said, what are the odds? I come back to East Bay and use
(03:41):
my COVID year of eligibility and play one more season with you. A lot of prayer went
into this and I had asked the Lord to, you know, open the door as if it was from Him
and to very obviously shut the door if it was not and she responded by saying, absolutely,
(04:02):
we would love to have you back for one more season. So that was it. So I went back. There
is a lot more that went into it, obviously, but every single door that could open for
me to go back to East Bay opened and it was just a super clear and obvious sign from the
Lord that like he did want me to go back to East Bay, which was super cool. My exact same
(04:25):
room and my exact same apartment that I had been living in the previous four years was
open. Someone had just moved out. So there was an open spot for me to move back into.
I had already lived with the roommate I was going to live with and there was an open position
for me on the team. There was just like just a ton of doors that kept opening. So I decided
(04:49):
to pack up my car and head back to East Bay. There was one prompting on my heart though
from the Lord where I felt like he was just saying, Fiona, I am using volleyball to get
you back to East Bay, but that is not the reason you're going back. And so I just had
(05:12):
that on my heart. And at first I was a little confused, like, okay, I hear you. What do you
mean by that? Like, am I going to get injured? Am I going to have the best season ever and
have to remember that it's like all for you and not for me or, you know, like what's going
to go, what's going to happen? And anyway, so I'm going back to East Bay with it in mind
(05:33):
that this season is for so much more than myself and the Lord is just using volleyball
as a vessel to get me back to the Bay area. But volleyball is not the reason I am going,
you know. So anyways, that was just in the back of my mind for pretty much my whole
last season of volleyball. So with that in mind, I reached out to the Athletes Bible
(05:58):
Study on campus at East Bay. It's called Athletes University, where I connected with
the head guy of it. His name is Elliot. Elliot Hot, he is phenomenal. And so I got connected
with him. He's amazing. He took me under his wing and we led Athletes Bible Study together
(06:20):
with a couple other athletes as well. So that was a ton of fun. And just a good way to make
sure I was staying in the word and I was getting connected to like-minded athletes and we were
encouraging each other within our sports and within our faith and it was just a really
sweet community. And I figured, okay, Lord, maybe this is why you brought me back to East
(06:44):
Bay to get plugged into university and to lead athletes Bible studies and to do life
with these athletes, whatever. And it was amazing. However, volleyball was still tough.
I had been off of volleyball for about a year at this point and even technically longer
because I didn't get a senior season. And so training was hard, but it was good. And
(07:10):
just getting back into things was a lot. I think physically I was fine. I mean, you know,
college athletics, it just takes a number on your body. But I feel like mentally I was
more struggling with performance anxiety and just playing out of fear and wanting to be
perfect and how I played and just fear of messing up and all the things. I felt just
(07:31):
like I was putting a ton of pressure on myself, which is pretty normal for me. But it just
felt like it was to an extreme. My senior, well, like this season that I went back to
East Bay, it would come to the point where I would, well, I was a four rotation outside.
And so I would come off the court for two rotations. And it was so hard for me to catch
(07:55):
my breath just because I was so anxious. I just could not breathe. I would just have
to take a moment before I could catch my breath to go back out and play. And I don't know
what it was. I think it was just a bunch of past feelings from when I was a college athlete
the other years of just, I don't know, just a bunch of negative feelings that came back
(08:18):
up of like, you have to be perfect. Otherwise, you're going to get taken off the court, which
was not even necessarily the case. It's like, yeah, I mean, if you keep messing up, you're
probably going to be taken off the court. But if you mess up once or like whatever, it's
not going to be the end of the world. But I just felt like it was. And so I was just
really putting my identity in volleyball and myself worth in volleyball again. And this
(08:42):
is just a side note, but I remember I missed my serve in one of the games and came off
the court after that rotation and my teammate just looked at me and she said, you are so
much more than that serve. You like, you're not that serve. You're so much more than that.
And that was just a sweet reminder from my teammate. And I felt like from the Lord of
(09:05):
just like, Tiana, you're here for more than volleyball. You are not your mistake. It's
okay that you messed up. Maybe you don't miss it again. But no one is going to remember
that in the long run. I mean, maybe my coaches will. But besides that, it's like no one is
going home at night thinking about how I missed my serve and thinking like, oh, Tiana is the
(09:30):
worst because she missed her serve. And all of her successes that gave me nothing because
she missed her serve, you know, like that is just a lie from the enemy. And that's not
even true. So it was so sweet of my teammate to just look me in the eyes and take the time
to remind me of my identity and speak some truth over me in that moment. So that was
very, very sweet. But anyways, moving along, I would pray before games and I was really
(09:54):
studying the Bible and I was going to athletes Bible study and just all these things. And
I felt like I just could not get over this anxiety that I was feeling. So fast tracking
a little bit at this point, it's October now. I'm still starting and I'm playing. And I
get injured in one of our games in SoCal. And I'm not for the rest of the game because
(10:17):
I sprained my ankle or whatever it was. And I have dealt with a ton of ankle injuries
in my college career and have stress fractured it and you know, all the things torn a bunch
of ligaments and there's partially torn ligaments in there and whatever. And so I just have
a really bad ankle and so injured at that game was out for the rest of the game. But
(10:39):
you know, as an athlete is the worst to be told that you can't play your sport. So I
go into practice the at that point, I think our game was like on a Friday. And so I was
out the next game on Saturday, then we flew back to NorCal and had practice that Monday.
And and then we were getting ready to leave for SoCal again, I think that Thursday or
(11:04):
something. And so we had a couple of days of practice under us before we left again.
And I was told that, you know, if I don't practice this week, then I am obviously not
playing this weekend because you need to be practicing to be playing in the games. And
(11:26):
so I was talking to my athletic trainer and he was just said, you know, you can't be jumping,
you definitely can't be sprinting. There's a bunch of limitations you can practice, but
you have to be careful of all the stuff I say, okay, okay, whatever. And so anyways,
naturally, I'm jumping a ton. I'm doing sprints. I'm doing all the things that I'm not supposed
to do because I want to travel and I want to play anyways. And so I so I am playing in
(11:56):
practice. And this particular drill, my team loses and the punishment is that if you lose,
you have to go to the wall, sprint to a wall and then sprint back and touch the wall again.
And the last one to touch the wall has to do an extra sprint. So I'm like, okay, I'm
not sprinting this thing again, I'm getting this one and done. I'm not even supposed to
(12:18):
be sprinting, but here we are. And so I go to the wall, sprint to the wall on my way
back to the next wall. Guys, I'm kind of on the tail end. And you know, naturally, as
if you're sprinting into a wall, you're going to start to slow down so you can break your
speed nicely and not like run into the wall. Well, not me. Okay, I'm on the tail end. So
(12:41):
I'm speeding up into this wall because I don't want to run another sprint. And so I put my
arms out in front of me to break my speed as I'm speeding up into the wall. And my arms
hit the wall and immediately go limp for what, you know, like just to not run another sprint
to on it at what cost. Anyways, and so, hey, for as a Lord, I didn't get lost in that sprint.
(13:03):
So I didn't have to do another one. But again, like at what cost because you literally can't
feel your arms now. So I go get to go get a drink of water. I'm like, something is not
right. Something is super off both my arms feel like I've never felt this feeling before.
And so I go back out to the court. And I pass the ball. And immediately I knew that something
(13:27):
was wrong because I have never felt that kind of pain in my life. And so I went to the athletic
trainer really quick, told him what happened. I told him that my wrists were feeling really
weird. And so he taped my wrists, and then I went back out to play. And I was like balling,
balling crying in the athletic training room. And I put my tears away and I go back out
(13:49):
to play. And they serve me in the ball and I pass it again. And guys, again, such bad
pain. And I was like, I literally cannot pass. I can try hitting but I cannot pass the ball
because it is hurting so bad. Anyways, and so I told my coach that which sucks because
(14:11):
again, it takes like extreme measures to tell your coach you can't play because you're hurt.
Like, you've got to be kind of on your deathbed, or like you had to have broken a bone to not
play. Like it's got to be really extreme. Guys come to find out I did break something,
but that's to come. So anyways, after practice, I had my teammate drive me to urgent care
(14:34):
because I couldn't drive my car because I couldn't move my arms. And I couldn't like
rotate them or internally externally rotate them or whatever. And so I go to urgent care
and there's this little x-ray machine that the lady puts my arm under, but she has to
like, it's urgent care. So it's not like super high tech. So the x-ray machine isn't adjusting
(14:57):
to me. I have to adjust to the x-ray machine. And so this poor lady is trying to help me
out both my arms, get both of them x-rayed. And I am just in excruciating pain. I am balling,
crying. I'm playing worship music because that is the only thing that can calm me down
right now. And I am just like, cannot breathe. I am in so much pain. I have never been in
(15:19):
this much pain in my life. And I feel like I'm not even like over-exaggerating. I can
tolerate pain pretty well. And I have played through pain before and have worked out through
it. It takes like extreme, extreme measures for me to feel this way. So anyways, I'm crying,
I'm balling. And she's trying to move my arms in all these different positions for this
(15:42):
stupid x-ray. And I'm just like, I literally cannot move my arm how you want me to move
my arm. Like, I don't know what to tell you anyways. And so she comes back, I'm crying
in the little room she has me in. And she comes back and tells me, guys, she tells me
both my arms are broken. I'm like, for sure. I just immediately imagined that one Sponge
(16:05):
Bob episode where that guy like has two broken arms. And that's what I pictured I was gonna
like look like. And so I'm like crying. I'm kind of laughing. Just like, of course, this
would happen to me. Like, that's just of course, you know, guys, if you played any year of
college sports with me, you would just know that this would happen to me. So anyways,
(16:29):
I have my teammate drive me back to the apartment and the car ride was so painful. It felt like
my arms were like the bones in my arms were moving with every speed bump we went over.
And so I had my teammate pull over so I could get out of the car and then walk the rest
of the way home because it was just too painful. Anyway, guys, I moral the story, I was just
(16:54):
in so much pain. And so I go to the apartment and my sweet, sweet teammates and roommates
are there. And I again cannot move my arms above my head. I can't rotate them. I can't
they are just like semi no at this point, I think they were both 90 degrees bent and
(17:15):
could not straighten and could not like move above my head. So just picture both my arms
90 degrees. That's where they were stuck. And so my sweet roommate, she runs the bathtub
water and washes my hair for me. And then she has to I still have these clothing items,
by the way, but she has to cut off my practitioner and cut off my sports bra. And I had to cut
(17:40):
off my spandex so then I could try and shower on my own. And yeah, it was just it was so
wild. And obviously now I can't travel that weekend because of my broken arms. And my
coach was offering to still travel me and to still take me and everything. But I figured
(18:01):
if I couldn't handle a speed bump in the car, there's no way like the thought of me being
on the plane as it was taking off and landing made me want to cry because of thinking of
how much pain that would like cause me. And so I figured I would just stay in the bay
while my team went and I'd watch them online. So I found an actual like orthopedic guy to
(18:24):
go to to look at my arms and stuff. Turns out, praise the lord, it was only one broken
arm. And the other arm was just severely like jammed and sprained or something. And then
they both had nerve damage, which I have never had before, but it was a broken arm and nerve
(18:44):
damage. And it was strained and sprained and jammed. I was like, Oh my gosh, anyways,
but I didn't have to be the guy in SpongeBob with two broken arms. All I had was one sling.
Um, so it was season ending injury. My bone didn't heal for another couple, or I guess
a few months. And it took a full, honestly, probably a full year to get. I wouldn't even
(19:10):
say I still don't have full range of motion at this point. I still feel like the nerve
is a little wonky. But anyways, it took about a year to get most of my range of motion back.
So well past the end of my season. Anyways, all of this just to say that I wanted to bring
you guys back to the part where I felt the Lord so, so evidently put on my heart since
(19:38):
before I went back to East Bay that he was taking me back for more than just volleyball.
Again, he was using volleyball to get me back to East Bay, but volleyball was not the reason
I was going back. It was not for me, but it was for him. And so when I was asked about
my injury, there was just an overwhelming sense of peace. Obviously I was still, you
(20:05):
know, discouraged and upset. And that's not how I wanted my senior year to look. However,
there was peace and comfort in having confidence that that's how it was supposed to go this
season. And right when I was putting my identity and my worth in my sport and feeling so anxious
(20:28):
and so performance driven that the Lord was honestly kind enough to strip that all the
way from me. And I'm not saying he broke my arms or my arm, but I am saying he, you know,
allowed that to happen. And it allowed me to remember why I was even back at East Bay
(20:53):
and remember that there is still so much I can do for his kingdom. When I'm not playing
my sport, I don't have to only glorify him when I'm playing volleyball, I can glorify
him through everything I do. And I think one, I don't think I know one lesson that I learned
(21:18):
from that season was how to not only serve others, but to have others serve me. Some
of you may be able to relate, but as a college athlete, I found it super difficult to ask
for help. The mindset is just like, okay, coach says this, I do this, I have this at
(21:39):
this time, this at this time, oh, you're injured, suck it up, oh, you're hurt, go to the athletic
trainer, figure it out, be a practice by this time, whatever. Oh, this is what my mental
health looks like, figured out, whatever. Anyways, and so I just found it super difficult
to ask for help. And in this season of life with my broken arm and my jammed arm, I had
(22:08):
to seek help. And I feel like I honestly didn't even really have to ask for it because my
teammates were so sweet and would just help me, they would just put up my hair for me
or braid it or wash it for me or whatever. They were so supportive and so sweet. So I
felt like the Lord was honestly so kind to just remind me that, hey, you're here for
(22:35):
me, you're not here for you. And it's okay to need help and it's okay to be served. And
like, just let people bless you and bless people as well. So super unfortunate, but
also super, super sweet. And in one of the Bible studies at that time that I was going
(23:02):
to, my friends were leading this certain Bible study, Grace and Abby shout out, but they
were leading a Bible study. And this was maybe a month, maybe, maybe like a couple of weeks
or a month after I broke my arm, Grace and Abby were leading this Bible study on 2nd
Timothy 416-18, which says at my, oh, this is a just backstory. This is where we see
(23:27):
Paul's trust in the Lord really unwaver even through harsh times. So it says, as my first
defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me, may not be held against them,
but the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength. So that through me, the message might
be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the
lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely
(23:51):
to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen. And both Grace and Abby,
my friends went on to explain that, you know, relating this to athletes. As athletes, a
lot of things don't go as we planned. We fight injuries. We struggle with time management.
(24:13):
We have the pressure to perform well and so much more. How can we allow the Lord to strengthen
us during these times? The Lord is near, even when it may not feel like it. And this was
just such a timely Bible study because I was just reminded that although I was feeling
like the Lord was just not near and He was not present with me and although I was praying,
(24:38):
I felt like my words were going void. It was just such a good reminder to know that the
Lord is near and we have to use our trials and our struggles to grow closer to Him and
to produce our faith. And yeah, it was just, it was just a sweet reminder to know that
(25:00):
the Lord is near. And it's like, hello, Tiana. He literally prompted on your heart that you
were going to be here for Him and not you. And so why do you feel like He is not present?
Like He is so evidently present in all of this. And again, it's just in your circumstances
when you're standing so close to them. Sometimes it's a little hard to gain clarity and to
(25:23):
see the Lord, the vision's a little cloudy and you're just so caught up in, you know,
the day to day and the mundane of everything and the reminder every time I look at a volleyball
that I can't play. And so there's just a lot of, oh, Lord, do you even see me? Like, why
am I even here? And then just a bonk on the head like, hello, I am here. I sent you here.
(25:46):
I'm with you. But in the most gentle and kind way possible, of course. So yeah, I just felt
like in that season of life, the Lord showed me how to be more intentional with allowing
people to serve me and to be able to serve people in ways that maybe I wasn't able to
(26:08):
if I was playing. Again, I felt like I was really focused on my performance and I was
super anxious and I was unable to give my teammates as much as I wanted to give them
until I got injured. Then I felt like I was able to step aside from myself and really
(26:30):
pour into them and really focus on them and really reassure them. Just as my teammate
did when I missed that serve, to just really be there for them and to speak life and truth
over them. And I was able to see when they were getting anxious and then just again to
remind them that I believe in them and that they are not defined by their performance.
(26:55):
And honestly, just go out there and have fun and do your thing. Whether we win or lose,
whether you play good or you play bad, I still love you. This team still loves you. Our coaches
still love you. Maybe they're going to be upside with you, but we all still love you.
(27:15):
A bad game or a good game doesn't change my perspective on who you are as a human being.
So it was just sweet to be able to take the time to pour into my teammates and allow them
to pour into me too. So I felt like the Lord really redeemed my view on college volleyball
with that season getting injured, which is so crazy because I've been injured before
(27:37):
in college volleyball and that was not my experience. So it was really sweet. Just a
sweet perspective shift. And another verse, it's probably the last thing I'm going to
talk about before I keep yapping your ears off, but was James versus two through four,
(27:58):
I will say it says, consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face
trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Yes, I'm sure we've heard this verse, but I don't know, it's one of those verses where
(28:23):
it's like, yeah, just consider it pure joy, you know, like it'll all be good. Just, you
know, find joy within it. And it's like, yeah, that's so fun when things are going well,
but then when you break your arm and you're out of the season and blah, blah, blah, it's
like, okay, how am I supposed to consider that pure joy? Because that's like the last
(28:45):
emotion I feel is joyful. However, I was challenged to understand that both joy and trials can
coexist. You can have joy within your trials. You know, trials are inevitable for everyone.
It says whenever you can, you face trials, not if ever. And one of my favorite people,
(29:09):
Megan Fate Marshman, shout out. She's not listening to this, but that'd be really cool.
She was, she said in one of her, one of her sermons, she says, James is not saying to
look at the child and to be happy about it. However, he's suggesting the fullness and
(29:29):
pureness of joy within your trial. Yes, it's okay to feel sorrow. However, James is inviting
us to consider a new perspective, to consider joy as well within our trial. So yeah, dang,
sucks, I broke my arm. Dang, I'm out for the rest of my season. Dang, that sucks. However,
(29:54):
consider a new perspective, consider joy. Yeah, I'm injured. Now I can take this time
to really pour into my teammates. Yeah, I'm injured. I can't lead on the court. I can
lead on the sideline. Now I have a new perspective. I can see the court. I can see things my
(30:16):
teammates on the court cannot see because they're so close to it. So when they come off the
court, now I can let them know, hey, you can hit here, hey, deep line is open, hey, setters
front row when you're in this rotation, hit it here. Things like that were when I'm playing.
Shoot, I can't see that. All I think of is me trying to hit the ball over the net and not
(30:39):
into the block, you know, they can't put my hair up on my own because my arm broke.
But hey, my teammate can put my hair up and maybe it doesn't look as good, but it's kind of fun
because that's so sweet of them to be putting my hair up for me. Hey, yeah, I got injured.
(31:02):
However, fill in the blank, you know, whatever it is. Find a new perspective on the child you're
going through and consider joy within them. I think that'll be super helpful. So guys,
kind of a long story, kind of a roundabout way of saying a lot of things, but to close out,
just wanted to point out a couple things. One is to really lean into what the Lord is saying to you.
(31:29):
Again, I really felt that on my heart, the Lord tell me that I was going to East Bay,
not for volleyball, but for something so much more than that, which was him and to share the
gospel and to share Jesus with other athletes and other people that go to East Bay.
(31:53):
And I wouldn't have had that eternal perspective if I didn't lean into his voice. So lean into
the voice of the Lord. Where is he telling you to go? What is he telling you to do?
Two, obviously, don't put your identity in your sport. That's not eternal.
(32:15):
It's only going to take you so far. However, it's really cool and you should use your sport to
glorify the Lord and to have fun, but do not put your worth in your sport. Three,
serve others, but also allow others to serve you as well. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be
served. It's okay. You don't have to have it all figured out. And while others are serving you,
(32:39):
you may have a fuller cup to be able to serve out of that overflow as well. Lastly, consider it pure
joy, people. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a little more careful about what I'm
doing as well. Lastly, consider it pure joy, people. You don't have to be happy within the
(33:01):
circumstances that you're in. Yeah, maybe they kind of suck. Yeah, maybe they aren't the best.
And you don't have to be exclusively joyful in your circumstances. However, consider
the perspective shift of finding joy within the circumstance that you're in. So boom, there it
(33:30):
is. That's my solo episode for you guys. Let me know what you want to hear more of, maybe what you
want to hear less of. I have some friends coming on the podcast soon, so I'm really excited for
that. I've been connecting with some collegiate athletes, both current and retired, and I'm excited
just to get them on the podcast and to hear more about them and their stories. If you want to be
(33:54):
on the podcast, let me know. I'm more than happy to meet you and talk with you and get you on. So
yeah, thanks guys for hearing a little bit more about my senior year. I just think it's a really
neat story of how the Lord just continuously opened doors and really provided and showed up for me
and redeemed my view of college volleyball. So yeah, thanks so much guys. Enjoy this sick outro
(34:21):
because I really love it and I hope you have the best day you've ever had. Bye!
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
What Are We Even Doing? with Kyle MacLachlan
Join award-winning actor and social media madman Kyle MacLachlan on “What Are We Even Doing,” where he sits down with Millennial and Gen Z actors, musicians, artists, and content creators to share stories about the entertainment industry past, present, and future. Kyle and his guests will talk shop, compare notes on life, and generally be weird together. In a good way. Their conversations will resonate with listeners of any age whose interests lie in television & film, music, art, or pop culture.