May 6, 2025 • 32 mins
Searching for calm in a world that feels like it's spinning out of control? Author Ellen Seigel offers a refreshing antidote to our collective anxiety with her five-step approach to finding peace amid chaos.
Ellen joins the SheSweet Society to share the deeply personal journey that led to her book "Be Happy No Matter What." From a childhood where she felt unseen by her family to her fascinating writing process—collecting wisdom on index cards for fifteen years until they naturally arranged themselves into chapters—her story resonates with anyone who's ever felt adrift in uncertain times.
What distinguishes Ellen's approach is her revolutionary definition of peace: the ability to hold opposing energies in our consciousness simultaneously. Rather than seeing the world in black and white terms, she suggests that true contentment comes from embracing duality and finding comfort in the space between extremes. This perspective feels particularly vital in our politically charged climate where divisiveness often reigns supreme.
The conversation explores profound questions about permanence, purpose, and the nature of happiness. Ellen suggests we're all students and teachers for each other in life's "schoolhouse," transforming how we might view difficult relationships—as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to happiness. Her gentle wisdom reminds us that while our physical presence may be temporary, the core of who we are remains permanent.
Most powerfully, Ellen emphasizes that the key to happiness resides within each of us. Her book doesn't offer external solutions but rather helps readers access their own inner wisdom. Through intentional breathing, meditation, and other practices outlined in her five steps, we can create an internal anchor that steadies us during life's inevitable storms.
Discover why Ellen's message feels less like a luxury and more like a necessity in these tumultuous times. Listen now to learn practical tools that can transform anxiety into calm and uncertainty into clarity. Your journey to being happy—no matter what—begins here.
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Welcome to the she Sweet Society.
In a world that sometimes feelslike it's spinning faster than
we can keep up with, today'sepisode is your invitation to
slow down, breathe and find yourcenter.
I'm thrilled to welcome EllenSiegel, the brilliant mind
behind the transformative bookBe Happy no Matter what
available on Amazon.
Ellen has crafted a powerfulfive-step approach to finding
(00:33):
peace amid chaos, something wecould all use a little more of
right now, wouldn't you agree?
In our politically chargedclimate, where opinions divide
and anxieties run high, ellen'swisdom offers a lighthouse for
those feelings lost in the storm.
Today, we'll dive intomeditation practices, breathing
techniques and life-changingmethodologies that can help you
(00:54):
remain grounded when everythingaround you feels uncertain.
Whether you're a seasonedmeditator or someone who thinks
finding your zen means locatinga lost remote control, ellen's
practical approach makes innerpeace accessible to everyone.
So settle in, take a deepbreath with me right now yes,
actually take one and prepare todiscover how you truly can be
(01:16):
happy, no matter what lifethrows your way.
Please welcome to the SheSweetSociety, ellen Siegel.
I just want everybody to hearyour story about how you came to
write this book.
What inspired you to helppeople, and in this manner?
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I would say the impetus to work on myself, which
I think as a child, even thoughI knew my parents loved me, I
really didn't feel respected.
They weren't ever reallytalking to me.
And my father, he made a prettybig deal out of respect your
(01:54):
mother, because I probablywasn't very respectful, because
we sort of had the.
This wasn't a diagnosis in theold days, but I would call it a
personality clash, whatever thatwas.
And so I think in growing up Ididn't feel so good.
I didn't feel so good and Iactually had a moment where I
(02:18):
was looking out my bedroomwindow one day, up into the sky,
and said this can't be my realfamily, because they're not
talking to me.
And my mother had an aunt, sothis is a great aunt.
She seemed ancient when I wassmall, aunt Sophie, and I only
saw her about twice a year andshe would always come down to
(02:42):
make eye contact with me and shewould ask me how are you, ellen
?
And even though I couldn'tanswer, I knew that she was
talking to me.
Later I found out she was asecond grade school teacher, so
she knew how to do that.
So this was a mystery to me,mystery to me.
(03:07):
And then, growing up, I alwaysthought sort of the opposite of
what people were telling me, orI just had this idea.
I didn't get it.
I just didn't get what wasgoing on.
And then, somehow, I don't know, through high school I had some
good experiences and there weresome teachers who sort of
banned my flame, so to speak.
(03:29):
And then when I got intocollege I somehow realized that
I don't know, I was sort ofdeveloped an ability to sort of
reflect myself.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And did you feel like you were almost looking at
yourself from the outside?
You could almost transcend likethat and just watch your life
happen in some cases and justfeel.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I think that that was a part of it and I wasn't
really conscious of that andthat that's what was happening.
And I think this happens for alot of people and maybe they
don't know what to do with it.
Think this happens for a lot ofpeople and maybe they don't
know what to do with it.
Or we're all on a path offinding our way, also trying to
make sense out of things that donot look like they make sense I
(04:14):
think I mentioned that in thebook whereas children we're
trying to which connecting thedots, and I've learned a lot
through witnessing my grandson'sfreedom to speak, his thought
processes, so that's beeninteresting too, but anyway.
So when it looked like I wasnot going to be a home economics
(04:37):
teacher because of all the maththat was involved, the head of
the home economics which I lovedhome ec.
But the head of the home ecdepartment said well, you like
working with families, why don'tyou do a master's in something
to do with that?
So, through a million detailsthat are not pertinent here, I
(04:57):
went into social work and thefirst thing I encountered in the
first class, the professor saidI want you all to think about,
I want you to share what bringsyou to this work, and no matter
what anyone shared, whether itwas.
I want to be helpful, I want tolearn, whatever it was.
(05:18):
I want to do service.
Whatever the teacher said no,the reason you're here is to
heal yourself.
So, whoever we were in thatclass, we got it, and so that
really started this idea oflooking inside and seeing and
(05:39):
outside what can help me do that.
So I'd say that's how itstarted.
And then what happened was, anytime a phrase or a thought
resonated with me or stimulatedme or gave me the next step in
my own path, I write it on anindex card.
Oh I love that, and whathappened was after about 10
(06:03):
years of collecting these indexcards.
Gosh how many index cards?
Did you have A lot of indexcards?
I would lay them out on thefloor and I always had this idea
I'm supposed to write a book, Idon't know.
So I'd lay these cards out onthe floor and I'd say these
(06:23):
thoughts are supposed to cometogether, but I can't see how
they come together.
So probably I did that afterfive years, after 10 years, in
the 15th year I laid them outand I went oh, this is a no
brainer and it was like a deckof cards.
Oh, this goes in this pile.
And then each pile had an orderto it and I'm going to tell you
(06:49):
that this book is those piles.
Each thing made a chapter.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Each sentence was one after another oh my gosh, you
wrote it all on index cards wow,um, that was never heard of
that method before.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I don't know.
Is that?
I don't know what that is?
I've got a million littlepieces of paper everywhere with
notes on them.
I don't know what that's goingto write index cards.
So look in the making, younever know.
So that's really how this cameabout and then I had it.
I had to put myself throughseveral business programs, and
(07:25):
one was something called eWomenNetwork, an organization of
women's business owners, andthrough there I met a teacher.
I'll say her name, lisa Nichols, and she had written a book no
Matter what, and her book wasabout a lot of challenging
experiences in her life and howshe persevered.
(07:46):
And I don't know.
It just occurred to me happy,no matter what.
And I did have a writing coachwho helped me actually do it.
I had the manuscript andeverything, but I did seek the
help of a writing coach and Isaid how can I have a book happy
, no matter what?
There's a million books withhappiness in the title.
(08:13):
And she said, oh, there need tobe 10 or 15 new books on
happiness every year, she said.
And also, each one has a unique.
The way each person puts ittogether is unique.
So she said it's never going togo out of date.
I said, oh, this appeals to me,so I did that.
That's how it came about, andit's sort of what made sense out
(08:34):
of all the teachings I hadexposed myself to.
So one thought is that I don'tthink there's anything new in
this.
What's new or unique is the wayit's put together, and we put
things together with uniquetwists.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
What I think is unique is how it's put together,
but also what's selected to bein here.
Maybe some of these might notnecessarily be brand new, but it
is brand new to someone, andespecially the way that you
think about you can tell yourpersonality is all through this
book too, which is what's so fun.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You know me so well.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
So I can see the personality through the whole
book and I just it.
For me it adds flavor to thewhole thing that already is full
of flavor book, and I just it.
For me it adds flavor to thewhole thing that already is full
of flavor.
But you do a very unique thingin how you help somebody learn
how to be happy, no matter what.
I wish you not that you could,you shouldn't have said how to
be happy no matter what, but alot of it is literally how you
(09:39):
teach people the steps of howand you at the very end you tie
in little bits and pieces but atthe end you explain why you
pursued all this and I justthink that is so beautiful.
And the self-care piece issomething I think a lot of
people are embracing or startingto realize they need to,
(09:59):
especially now with thecraziness that seems to be
happening every day.
It's been.
I would have thought afterCOVID hit that there would be a
calm.
There should be some sort ofcalm, but really it's never.
That feels like a very peakmoment in history.
That just keeps on peaking, andso your book is way more
(10:21):
relevant now than ever.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
You just said something that deserves to be
written down A weak moment thatkeeps on peaking, but you're
positive.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
This is insanity, but also reality, and I'm wondering
.
There's a few different schoolsof thought out there right now
on how to manage your day-to-day.
You have some people turningoff the news altogether.
If you just don't see it, thenit's not there, it's not
happening or won't impact them.
You have some people thatregularly watch it, keep a pulse
(10:58):
on what's going on, but thenget dragged down by their
feelings around it.
Then you have others that knowwhat's going on but just walk
around and don't care.
What's your take on why there'sso many different ways are
receiving this?
Knowing there's this much helpout there, knowing you have your
book out there, knowing we havethese conferences that people
(11:19):
go to, knowing there's enough ofus I call us lightworkers out
there helping to raise andelevate people, what's your take
on that?
Who are you asking for?
The people that are going tolisten to this podcast are the
people that are seekingcommunity.
They're seeking community ofwomen who will end up being
(11:42):
like-minded, because that's justhow this works.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I think, without being stereotypical, just based
on focus, that women have a legup.
Women have a leg up because ofa predominance of
self-acceptance of sensitivityself-acceptance of sensitivity.
I think men have sensitivitybut it's not acceptable and
(12:09):
they've internalized that theyshould shun that.
So, for women who are listeningto this, and any sensitive men,
because we've crossed pathswith those men, we've raised
them, isn't that the truth?
And we come upon differentpeople, organizers of different
conferences, things like that.
(12:29):
So this idea, so I got this.
I don't know what propelled meseveral years ago to take an
improv class.
I don't know what.
And what I got, which I'd knownbut I didn't internalize, was
this concept of yes and oh, I'veheard of that.
(12:52):
And in an improv situation, youhave actors or whatever you call
them, comedians, whatever andsomeone feeds that, and I did
this.
So someone feeds you a line andmy first impulse is like what?
That's ridiculous.
And we were taught that whensomeone feeds you a line, to
(13:13):
develop a yes, and then yournatural creativity comes in and
then you're moving the storyalong and you give that line to
the next person and it's veryfreeing and inclusive of things
that look like they should notgo together.
So this is a thought to aimtoward.
(13:37):
If we don't have, it is thatwe're in a world of duality good
and bad, light and dark, up anddown, liking and disliking and
somehow the next thought thatI'm going to share can be used
to alleviate the angst anddistress of things that look
(14:00):
like they're fighting againsteach other, and this thought is
that somehow we have the abilityto hold both energies in our
(14:22):
consciousness and be okay withit.
Now, you know, I don't knowthat that's being taught all
over the place.
So, as we who are bringinglight in it's breaking down
previous structures that arevery limiting and confining, and
you could say well, how couldthis opinion and its opposite be
(14:47):
in the same consciousness orballpark.
If a person strives to that,and that's not in the the be
happy book, it's almost likethis is beyond being happy.
No matter what this is, it'sthe definition of peace.
Oh, that's the definition ofpeace.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I literally wrote that down polarities versus
peace but is it really versus?
I think you just defined peace.
That's really amazing.
So that's how they all can sitin the same space, and I know
people like you and people likeme.
We can have conversations andnot hold any angst or anger or
whatnot with people that feel orthink very differently from us.
(15:32):
There, of course, are certaintopics that'll get us razzed,
but at the end of the day, we'reable to sit down with it and
still see the human behind itall and still relate on a human
level.
And that is what we're here todo to bring about that type of
peace, I think.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So a way to look at the world today is energies
coming together, bringing outthings for people to be
contemplating and thinking'retalking about how impatient we
are as a humanity.
That's good, I want to say.
(16:34):
It behooves us as intelligentlife forms that we recognize to
wait some things out, thatthings look.
There's a thing I remember whentrained in therapy to let a
client know listen things couldfeel much worse before they get
better.
To let them know that in theprocess that they're signing up
for it takes a long time to getin this situation.
(16:54):
So it may take a while to getout of it.
And different people looking atthe world today is what.
You could be on this side andsay, oh my God, we're never
getting out of it.
You could be on that side whereyou're never going to get out
of it.
This is a contribution toevolution, I don't know.
And there's always that concernthat as a people, as a humanity
(17:17):
, as a civilization, we mightdestroy ourselves and we might
About how you feel about that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
We all know in, not even a hundred years, but we'll
go with a hundred years, none ofus will be here, maybe we won't
even be remembered Right whenwe are right now.
And for a lot of us, I don'tknow if I feel comfortable
making that assumption foreverybody.
For myself, and I'm wonderingfor you too I'm comfortable with
(17:48):
that.
I'm okay knowing that in ahundred years no one's going to
know who Delia was.
They don't need to.
That's not what I'm here for.
It's not what I think a lot ofus are here for.
If we could come to thatstanding that we are part of a
collective, as a society,yourself as a singular person,
(18:10):
play a role in how all of uswhat you said, collectively,
we're evolving.
But I find that most peoplearen't comfortable with that
fact that their impermanence onthis world is what creates this
lack of patience, is whatcreates the greed, is what
creates this level of corruptionthat we're seeing.
What do you think about that?
(18:31):
I feel like it's ultimatelythat.
But what do you think aboutthat?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Well, here's an angle , and that is I have no idea if
this is true, other than whatresonates with me that I'm a
spark of life inhabiting thisperishable vehicle.
And I do.
I'm a big mind over matterperson.
(18:56):
We'll see, as I practice it,what comes of it?
That our minds, if and when wecan have clarity and lots of
people would debate what that iscan affect the health of this
vehicle.
Yes, it's long lasting.
It regenerates all the time.
(19:19):
The cells are alwaysregenerating and when we've read
that we take on this mantle ofaging and accept that, oh,
deterioration and death, well, Idon't know.
It doesn't mean the body's notgoing to perish, but you might
be able to live longer, and Idon't know.
(19:43):
There's different philosophies.
One of us has enormous value inthe network of the collective
(20:12):
and it's not that long ago ateacher I studied with was very
emphatic that we take on theposition that any bit of our
personal growth contributes tothe growth of the collective.
And there's tons of people I'mthinking all the people in AA
(20:33):
and all the anonymous programs.
Millions of people arecontributing in one way or
another.
Those of us who are consciousand working on ourselves and
know that we can grow from beinga victim.
I think we've all been victims.
(20:53):
Little children in the bestsituations are much smaller than
the adults and it's veryintimidating when an adult
raises their voice.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
It's very intimidating.
Adult race is their voice.
It's very intimidating.
It's so intimidating that evenwhen you grow up it's still
jarring, it gets to you.
Yes, Certain, certain scenes inmovies will even, or, or TV, or
any of it will elude or getthat feeling to come out of you.
I have a question If you're apart not saying you are, but if
(21:26):
one was a part of the philosophyof it is a schoolhouse,
wouldn't it also be fair to saythat, yes, you are a student,
but in every schoolhouse there'salso a teacher.
So who's the teacher we are?
Are we Not like just you andjust in general people?
No, I think for each other.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
We are that.
I like this idea.
There was a little book it wasa big book called the Little
Soul and the Sun.
Did I tell you about this book?
No, this is what I rememberabout it.
So, whether a person believes indivinity or not all these
(22:07):
examples because some people getoffended if they don't believe,
which is great.
So it doesn't matter if youbelieve or not.
Just take the message of themetaphor and use it for yourself
.
That way, this is for everyone.
So they're up in heaven.
A little soul says to God I wantto go to earth to learn about
love, over and over and over andover.
God says what do you need to godown to earth to learn about
(22:28):
love?
It's everything's love up herein heaven.
I want to go.
So God says well, listen, ifyou go to earth, the way you
learn about love is through theopposite.
And the little soul says oh, Istill want to go.
So God says to the little soulso you got to pick a friend
who's going to go down with you.
And so the little soul finds afriend who agrees to go down,
(22:52):
and the friend says listen, I'mgoing to do this for you because
I love you and when we're downthere and I'm in the role of
your abusive father, you need toremember who I am.
And this, supposedly, is achildren's book.
Parents are reading this book.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Is it French?
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
So, the point being that I like this thought I have
no idea if it's true, but I useit and it really propels my
growth, which is really what I'minterested in and I'll tell you
what the outcome I'm lookingfor is but that we've all agreed
on another plane somewhere, assparks of life, that we're going
(23:38):
to come to earth and help eachother, be the teachers and the
students.
And sometimes it helps, when aperson's having a lot of angst
in their relationship with theirparents, to hear this thought
well, what if you waited on along line to come in as the
(23:58):
child of that parent and thatparent waited on a long line to
come in and have you as theirchild because the lessons you
wanted to learn sort of match?
And that can be useful whereyou can use that thought to
relieve emotional pain inyourself.
And you can also use thatthought to let go, because when
(24:22):
you've learned your lesson, youcan let go of the angst.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yep.
So you have to learn it, youhave to live it.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
And it also helps people when they're thinking, oh
, what's the meaning of life?
I don't see any meaning in life.
Well, if you take this lens andtry it on, it actually gives
meaning to everything.
And then we've read thingsabout us being the creator of
our lives and that enables us tochange things.
(24:54):
And oh, but I wanted to saysomething about the reason that
I'm so passionate.
Isn't the word so interested in, I'll say, my own growth is for
relief from pain.
So in a lot of communities,self-care is taking time off,
(25:17):
going on vacation, making sureyou get a lunch hour, eating
slowly, relaxing, learning howto relax all those things.
My favorite one is what would Ilike to change?
How would I like to be and toget help if you need to do that
(25:38):
and be more flexible.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I like that.
One of the things you talkedabout is still being you, but
just looking at you, but alsohaving oh.
I don't want to, I don't wantto ruin the words, I'm going to
find what you were.
Then it's the new you, but oldyou is still there, like you.
You yourself, at the core, arenot different, but it's oh there
(26:04):
.
It is how I'm different and howI'm the same.
You're still the same, ellen.
You're just healed.
You're just out of pain incertain areas.
Is that fair to say?
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Yes, and you had said something earlier about a lot
of people being upset with theimpermanence of themselves, when
actually the core of oneself, Ithink, is permanent.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Core is permanent.
The core of themselves on thisplanet may not be.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yes, well, that's and I think that what you're saying
like core, even that has adifferent octave the lower
octave, the core that weexperience here.
That's so difficult to change,and you know, and then I like
this idea of octaves because aswe, as our thinking, gets more
(27:00):
discerning, you know, somepeople say, oh, that happens
with maturity, that happens withtime, it also happens with
conscious cultivation.
You can cultivate yourdiscernment and once you have
the awareness that you seethings black and white, you know
, and also here's a tip off Ifyou're complaining that other
(27:23):
people see things as black andwhite and you don't like that,
that just means you still have alittle of that left over.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
You know so you can work to.
You know.
Reflect.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Oh, I love that, but what advice would you give?
What's just one piece of advicethat somebody's listening to
this could take internalize fromwords of wisdom from Ellen.
What would you give as youryour piece of advice?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
This is going to sound really, I don't know, I
don't want to judge it.
I'd say get this book and putyourself through it, that's all.
And I can tell you.
You know what do I make threebucks from Amazon?
I don't care, I do not care.
You know what do I make Threebucks from Amazon?
I don't care, I do not care.
Get the these five steps.
(28:13):
Position you to listen to thewisdom inside of you and there's
nothing better than that.
And it's, and that part is free, and it goes on.
And on your whole life.
And if you read the book a fewtimes, or you read it with a
friend and something you hadsaid early on the way of reading
(28:33):
the book, the book even is laidout in a way that says oh, you
know, put the book down for alittle while now, or, you know,
take a breath.
You know, or practice this,think it over.
I mean, and there's someexercises in here.
You do not have to do any ofthe exercises and I'm going to
(28:54):
say to you you really don't needto read beyond the five steps.
The last couple of chapters areyou know how, how it played out
in my life, but you don't evenneed to read that.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Just fun.
That's the fun part.
That's those of us that love toknow what life is like for
other people.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
Okay, then do that, then do that.
But for those of you who don'tsomebody I gave the book to says
oh, I don't like to read, Isaid there's hardly any words in
this book.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Would I be able to spread out these five steps?
Um, before I had even met you,I had gone to a conference where
they did these five steps inthe conference and it was beyond
transformative and it it waswhat pulled me out and, arguably
(29:52):
, is what woke me up from thedepths of trauma and grief that
I was experiencing.
And, yeah, so I am very much afan of these five steps.
Right, great, I'm so glad thatyou wrote this book, because not
everybody can afford to go tothose types of conferences.
(30:15):
It was very expensive.
Um, I don't know how if youcan't, but everybody should be
able to learn how to pullthemselves out of that spot, and
you are the only one that cando that and you so graciously
wrote this book that helpspeople do that.
So I really appreciate that.
Ellen, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Well, thanks for this opportunity to have this fun
and talk with your listeners.
And it's really, it's withineach one of us.
It is that power.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And there we have it she Sweet Society.
What an illuminatingconversation with Ellen Siegel,
author of Be Happy, no Matterwhat.
In these tumultuous times whenheadlines can trigger anxiety
and uncertainty seems to be theonly constant, ellen's five
steps to finding peace feel lesslike luxury and more like
necessity.
From the power of intentionalbreathing to the transformative
(31:11):
practice of meditation, we'veexplored practical tools that
can anchor us during life'sinevitable storms.
I hope you're walking away fromtoday's episode with something
tangible to try, perhaps a newbreathing technique for your
morning commute.
Remember that finding peaceisn't about escaping reality,
but rather about creating asolid foundation from which you
(31:31):
can engage with it moreeffectively.
Ellen, thank you for sharingyour wisdom, your methodologies
and your light with ourcommunity today.
For everyone listening whowants to dive deeper, remember
that Be Happy, no Matter what isavailable on Amazon.
Until next time, she SweetSociety, may you find moments of
peace in each day, breathethrough the challenges and
remember that your happinessisn't dependent on circumstances
(31:55):
.
It's a practice you cultivatefrom within.
Welcome to the she Sweet Society.
In a world that sometimes feelslike it's spinning faster than
we can keep up with, today'sepisode is your invitation to
slow down, breathe and find yourcenter.
I'm thrilled to welcome EllenSiegel, the brilliant mind
behind the transformative bookBe Happy no Matter what
available on Amazon.
Ellen has crafted a powerfulfive-step approach to finding
(00:33):
peace amid chaos, something wecould all use a little more of
right now, wouldn't you agree?
In our politically chargedclimate, where opinions divide
and anxieties run high, ellen'swisdom offers a lighthouse for
those feelings lost in the storm.
Today, we'll dive intomeditation practices, breathing
techniques and life-changingmethodologies that can help you
(00:54):
remain grounded when everythingaround you feels uncertain.
Whether you're a seasonedmeditator or someone who thinks
finding your zen means locatinga lost remote control, ellen's
practical approach makes innerpeace accessible to everyone.
So settle in, take a deepbreath with me right now yes,
actually take one and prepare todiscover how you truly can be
(01:16):
happy, no matter what lifethrows your way.
Please welcome to the SheSweetSociety, ellen Siegel.
I just want everybody to hearyour story about how you came to
write this book.
What inspired you to helppeople, and in this manner?
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I would say the impetus to work on myself, which
I think as a child, even thoughI knew my parents loved me, I
really didn't feel respected.
They weren't ever reallytalking to me.
And my father, he made a prettybig deal out of respect your
(01:54):
mother, because I probablywasn't very respectful, because
we sort of had the.
This wasn't a diagnosis in theold days, but I would call it a
personality clash, whatever thatwas.
And so I think in growing up Ididn't feel so good.
I didn't feel so good and Iactually had a moment where I
(02:18):
was looking out my bedroomwindow one day, up into the sky,
and said this can't be my realfamily, because they're not
talking to me.
And my mother had an aunt, sothis is a great aunt.
She seemed ancient when I wassmall, aunt Sophie, and I only
saw her about twice a year andshe would always come down to
(02:42):
make eye contact with me and shewould ask me how are you, ellen
?
And even though I couldn'tanswer, I knew that she was
talking to me.
Later I found out she was asecond grade school teacher, so
she knew how to do that.
So this was a mystery to me,mystery to me.
(03:07):
And then, growing up, I alwaysthought sort of the opposite of
what people were telling me, orI just had this idea.
I didn't get it.
I just didn't get what wasgoing on.
And then, somehow, I don't know, through high school I had some
good experiences and there weresome teachers who sort of
banned my flame, so to speak.
(03:29):
And then when I got intocollege I somehow realized that
I don't know, I was sort ofdeveloped an ability to sort of
reflect myself.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And did you feel like you were almost looking at
yourself from the outside?
You could almost transcend likethat and just watch your life
happen in some cases and justfeel.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I think that that was a part of it and I wasn't
really conscious of that andthat that's what was happening.
And I think this happens for alot of people and maybe they
don't know what to do with it.
Think this happens for a lot ofpeople and maybe they don't
know what to do with it.
Or we're all on a path offinding our way, also trying to
make sense out of things that donot look like they make sense I
(04:14):
think I mentioned that in thebook whereas children we're
trying to which connecting thedots, and I've learned a lot
through witnessing my grandson'sfreedom to speak, his thought
processes, so that's beeninteresting too, but anyway.
So when it looked like I wasnot going to be a home economics
(04:37):
teacher because of all the maththat was involved, the head of
the home economics which I lovedhome ec.
But the head of the home ecdepartment said well, you like
working with families, why don'tyou do a master's in something
to do with that?
So, through a million detailsthat are not pertinent here, I
(04:57):
went into social work and thefirst thing I encountered in the
first class, the professor saidI want you all to think about,
I want you to share what bringsyou to this work, and no matter
what anyone shared, whether itwas.
I want to be helpful, I want tolearn, whatever it was.
(05:18):
I want to do service.
Whatever the teacher said no,the reason you're here is to
heal yourself.
So, whoever we were in thatclass, we got it, and so that
really started this idea oflooking inside and seeing and
(05:39):
outside what can help me do that.
So I'd say that's how itstarted.
And then what happened was, anytime a phrase or a thought
resonated with me or stimulatedme or gave me the next step in
my own path, I write it on anindex card.
Oh I love that, and whathappened was after about 10
(06:03):
years of collecting these indexcards.
Gosh how many index cards?
Did you have A lot of indexcards?
I would lay them out on thefloor and I always had this idea
I'm supposed to write a book, Idon't know.
So I'd lay these cards out onthe floor and I'd say these
(06:23):
thoughts are supposed to cometogether, but I can't see how
they come together.
So probably I did that afterfive years, after 10 years, in
the 15th year I laid them outand I went oh, this is a no
brainer and it was like a deckof cards.
Oh, this goes in this pile.
And then each pile had an orderto it and I'm going to tell you
(06:49):
that this book is those piles.
Each thing made a chapter.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Each sentence was one after another oh my gosh, you
wrote it all on index cards wow,um, that was never heard of
that method before.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I don't know.
Is that?
I don't know what that is?
I've got a million littlepieces of paper everywhere with
notes on them.
I don't know what that's goingto write index cards.
So look in the making, younever know.
So that's really how this cameabout and then I had it.
I had to put myself throughseveral business programs, and
(07:25):
one was something called eWomenNetwork, an organization of
women's business owners, andthrough there I met a teacher.
I'll say her name, lisa Nichols, and she had written a book no
Matter what, and her book wasabout a lot of challenging
experiences in her life and howshe persevered.
(07:46):
And I don't know.
It just occurred to me happy,no matter what.
And I did have a writing coachwho helped me actually do it.
I had the manuscript andeverything, but I did seek the
help of a writing coach and Isaid how can I have a book happy
, no matter what?
There's a million books withhappiness in the title.
(08:13):
And she said, oh, there need tobe 10 or 15 new books on
happiness every year, she said.
And also, each one has a unique.
The way each person puts ittogether is unique.
So she said it's never going togo out of date.
I said, oh, this appeals to me,so I did that.
That's how it came about, andit's sort of what made sense out
(08:34):
of all the teachings I hadexposed myself to.
So one thought is that I don'tthink there's anything new in
this.
What's new or unique is the wayit's put together, and we put
things together with uniquetwists.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
What I think is unique is how it's put together,
but also what's selected to bein here.
Maybe some of these might notnecessarily be brand new, but it
is brand new to someone, andespecially the way that you
think about you can tell yourpersonality is all through this
book too, which is what's so fun.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You know me so well.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
So I can see the personality through the whole
book and I just it.
For me it adds flavor to thewhole thing that already is full
of flavor book, and I just it.
For me it adds flavor to thewhole thing that already is full
of flavor.
But you do a very unique thingin how you help somebody learn
how to be happy, no matter what.
I wish you not that you could,you shouldn't have said how to
be happy no matter what, but alot of it is literally how you
(09:39):
teach people the steps of howand you at the very end you tie
in little bits and pieces but atthe end you explain why you
pursued all this and I justthink that is so beautiful.
And the self-care piece issomething I think a lot of
people are embracing or startingto realize they need to,
(09:59):
especially now with thecraziness that seems to be
happening every day.
It's been.
I would have thought afterCOVID hit that there would be a
calm.
There should be some sort ofcalm, but really it's never.
That feels like a very peakmoment in history.
That just keeps on peaking, andso your book is way more
(10:21):
relevant now than ever.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
You just said something that deserves to be
written down A weak moment thatkeeps on peaking, but you're
positive.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
This is insanity, but also reality, and I'm wondering
.
There's a few different schoolsof thought out there right now
on how to manage your day-to-day.
You have some people turningoff the news altogether.
If you just don't see it, thenit's not there, it's not
happening or won't impact them.
You have some people thatregularly watch it, keep a pulse
(10:58):
on what's going on, but thenget dragged down by their
feelings around it.
Then you have others that knowwhat's going on but just walk
around and don't care.
What's your take on why there'sso many different ways are
receiving this?
Knowing there's this much helpout there, knowing you have your
book out there, knowing we havethese conferences that people
(11:19):
go to, knowing there's enough ofus I call us lightworkers out
there helping to raise andelevate people, what's your take
on that?
Who are you asking for?
The people that are going tolisten to this podcast are the
people that are seekingcommunity.
They're seeking community ofwomen who will end up being
(11:42):
like-minded, because that's justhow this works.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I think, without being stereotypical, just based
on focus, that women have a legup.
Women have a leg up because ofa predominance of
self-acceptance of sensitivityself-acceptance of sensitivity.
I think men have sensitivitybut it's not acceptable and
(12:09):
they've internalized that theyshould shun that.
So, for women who are listeningto this, and any sensitive men,
because we've crossed pathswith those men, we've raised
them, isn't that the truth?
And we come upon differentpeople, organizers of different
conferences, things like that.
(12:29):
So this idea, so I got this.
I don't know what propelled meseveral years ago to take an
improv class.
I don't know what.
And what I got, which I'd knownbut I didn't internalize, was
this concept of yes and oh, I'veheard of that.
(12:52):
And in an improv situation, youhave actors or whatever you call
them, comedians, whatever andsomeone feeds that, and I did
this.
So someone feeds you a line andmy first impulse is like what?
That's ridiculous.
And we were taught that whensomeone feeds you a line, to
(13:13):
develop a yes, and then yournatural creativity comes in and
then you're moving the storyalong and you give that line to
the next person and it's veryfreeing and inclusive of things
that look like they should notgo together.
So this is a thought to aimtoward.
(13:37):
If we don't have, it is thatwe're in a world of duality good
and bad, light and dark, up anddown, liking and disliking and
somehow the next thought thatI'm going to share can be used
to alleviate the angst anddistress of things that look
(14:00):
like they're fighting againsteach other, and this thought is
that somehow we have the abilityto hold both energies in our
(14:22):
consciousness and be okay withit.
Now, you know, I don't knowthat that's being taught all
over the place.
So, as we who are bringinglight in it's breaking down
previous structures that arevery limiting and confining, and
you could say well, how couldthis opinion and its opposite be
(14:47):
in the same consciousness orballpark.
If a person strives to that,and that's not in the the be
happy book, it's almost likethis is beyond being happy.
No matter what this is, it'sthe definition of peace.
Oh, that's the definition ofpeace.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I literally wrote that down polarities versus
peace but is it really versus?
I think you just defined peace.
That's really amazing.
So that's how they all can sitin the same space, and I know
people like you and people likeme.
We can have conversations andnot hold any angst or anger or
whatnot with people that feel orthink very differently from us.
(15:32):
There, of course, are certaintopics that'll get us razzed,
but at the end of the day, we'reable to sit down with it and
still see the human behind itall and still relate on a human
level.
And that is what we're here todo to bring about that type of
peace, I think.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So a way to look at the world today is energies
coming together, bringing outthings for people to be
contemplating and thinking'retalking about how impatient we
are as a humanity.
That's good, I want to say.
(16:34):
It behooves us as intelligentlife forms that we recognize to
wait some things out, thatthings look.
There's a thing I remember whentrained in therapy to let a
client know listen things couldfeel much worse before they get
better.
To let them know that in theprocess that they're signing up
for it takes a long time to getin this situation.
(16:54):
So it may take a while to getout of it.
And different people looking atthe world today is what.
You could be on this side andsay, oh my God, we're never
getting out of it.
You could be on that side whereyou're never going to get out
of it.
This is a contribution toevolution, I don't know.
And there's always that concernthat as a people, as a humanity
(17:17):
, as a civilization, we mightdestroy ourselves and we might
About how you feel about that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
We all know in, not even a hundred years, but we'll
go with a hundred years, none ofus will be here, maybe we won't
even be remembered Right whenwe are right now.
And for a lot of us, I don'tknow if I feel comfortable
making that assumption foreverybody.
For myself, and I'm wonderingfor you too I'm comfortable with
(17:48):
that.
I'm okay knowing that in ahundred years no one's going to
know who Delia was.
They don't need to.
That's not what I'm here for.
It's not what I think a lot ofus are here for.
If we could come to thatstanding that we are part of a
collective, as a society,yourself as a singular person,
(18:10):
play a role in how all of uswhat you said, collectively,
we're evolving.
But I find that most peoplearen't comfortable with that
fact that their impermanence onthis world is what creates this
lack of patience, is whatcreates the greed, is what
creates this level of corruptionthat we're seeing.
What do you think about that?
(18:31):
I feel like it's ultimatelythat.
But what do you think aboutthat?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Well, here's an angle , and that is I have no idea if
this is true, other than whatresonates with me that I'm a
spark of life inhabiting thisperishable vehicle.
And I do.
I'm a big mind over matterperson.
(18:56):
We'll see, as I practice it,what comes of it?
That our minds, if and when wecan have clarity and lots of
people would debate what that iscan affect the health of this
vehicle.
Yes, it's long lasting.
It regenerates all the time.
(19:19):
The cells are alwaysregenerating and when we've read
that we take on this mantle ofaging and accept that, oh,
deterioration and death, well, Idon't know.
It doesn't mean the body's notgoing to perish, but you might
be able to live longer, and Idon't know.
(19:43):
There's different philosophies.
One of us has enormous value inthe network of the collective
(20:12):
and it's not that long ago ateacher I studied with was very
emphatic that we take on theposition that any bit of our
personal growth contributes tothe growth of the collective.
And there's tons of people I'mthinking all the people in AA
(20:33):
and all the anonymous programs.
Millions of people arecontributing in one way or
another.
Those of us who are consciousand working on ourselves and
know that we can grow from beinga victim.
I think we've all been victims.
(20:53):
Little children in the bestsituations are much smaller than
the adults and it's veryintimidating when an adult
raises their voice.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
It's very intimidating.
Adult race is their voice.
It's very intimidating.
It's so intimidating that evenwhen you grow up it's still
jarring, it gets to you.
Yes, Certain, certain scenes inmovies will even, or, or TV, or
any of it will elude or getthat feeling to come out of you.
I have a question If you're apart not saying you are, but if
(21:26):
one was a part of the philosophyof it is a schoolhouse,
wouldn't it also be fair to saythat, yes, you are a student,
but in every schoolhouse there'salso a teacher.
So who's the teacher we are?
Are we Not like just you andjust in general people?
No, I think for each other.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
We are that.
I like this idea.
There was a little book it wasa big book called the Little
Soul and the Sun.
Did I tell you about this book?
No, this is what I rememberabout it.
So, whether a person believes indivinity or not all these
(22:07):
examples because some people getoffended if they don't believe,
which is great.
So it doesn't matter if youbelieve or not.
Just take the message of themetaphor and use it for yourself
.
That way, this is for everyone.
So they're up in heaven.
A little soul says to God I wantto go to earth to learn about
love, over and over and over andover.
God says what do you need to godown to earth to learn about
(22:28):
love?
It's everything's love up herein heaven.
I want to go.
So God says well, listen, ifyou go to earth, the way you
learn about love is through theopposite.
And the little soul says oh, Istill want to go.
So God says to the little soulso you got to pick a friend
who's going to go down with you.
And so the little soul finds afriend who agrees to go down,
(22:52):
and the friend says listen, I'mgoing to do this for you because
I love you and when we're downthere and I'm in the role of
your abusive father, you need toremember who I am.
And this, supposedly, is achildren's book.
Parents are reading this book.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Is it French?
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
So, the point being that I like this thought I have
no idea if it's true, but I useit and it really propels my
growth, which is really what I'minterested in and I'll tell you
what the outcome I'm lookingfor is but that we've all agreed
on another plane somewhere, assparks of life, that we're going
(23:38):
to come to earth and help eachother, be the teachers and the
students.
And sometimes it helps, when aperson's having a lot of angst
in their relationship with theirparents, to hear this thought
well, what if you waited on along line to come in as the
(23:58):
child of that parent and thatparent waited on a long line to
come in and have you as theirchild because the lessons you
wanted to learn sort of match?
And that can be useful whereyou can use that thought to
relieve emotional pain inyourself.
And you can also use thatthought to let go, because when
(24:22):
you've learned your lesson, youcan let go of the angst.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yep.
So you have to learn it, youhave to live it.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
And it also helps people when they're thinking, oh
, what's the meaning of life?
I don't see any meaning in life.
Well, if you take this lens andtry it on, it actually gives
meaning to everything.
And then we've read thingsabout us being the creator of
our lives and that enables us tochange things.
(24:54):
And oh, but I wanted to saysomething about the reason that
I'm so passionate.
Isn't the word so interested in, I'll say, my own growth is for
relief from pain.
So in a lot of communities,self-care is taking time off,
(25:17):
going on vacation, making sureyou get a lunch hour, eating
slowly, relaxing, learning howto relax all those things.
My favorite one is what would Ilike to change?
How would I like to be and toget help if you need to do that
(25:38):
and be more flexible.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I like that.
One of the things you talkedabout is still being you, but
just looking at you, but alsohaving oh.
I don't want to, I don't wantto ruin the words, I'm going to
find what you were.
Then it's the new you, but oldyou is still there, like you.
You yourself, at the core, arenot different, but it's oh there
(26:04):
.
It is how I'm different and howI'm the same.
You're still the same, ellen.
You're just healed.
You're just out of pain incertain areas.
Is that fair to say?
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Yes, and you had said something earlier about a lot
of people being upset with theimpermanence of themselves, when
actually the core of oneself, Ithink, is permanent.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Core is permanent.
The core of themselves on thisplanet may not be.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yes, well, that's and I think that what you're saying
like core, even that has adifferent octave the lower
octave, the core that weexperience here.
That's so difficult to change,and you know, and then I like
this idea of octaves because aswe, as our thinking, gets more
(27:00):
discerning, you know, somepeople say, oh, that happens
with maturity, that happens withtime, it also happens with
conscious cultivation.
You can cultivate yourdiscernment and once you have
the awareness that you seethings black and white, you know
, and also here's a tip off Ifyou're complaining that other
(27:23):
people see things as black andwhite and you don't like that,
that just means you still have alittle of that left over.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
You know so you can work to.
You know.
Reflect.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Oh, I love that, but what advice would you give?
What's just one piece of advicethat somebody's listening to
this could take internalize fromwords of wisdom from Ellen.
What would you give as youryour piece of advice?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
This is going to sound really, I don't know, I
don't want to judge it.
I'd say get this book and putyourself through it, that's all.
And I can tell you.
You know what do I make threebucks from Amazon?
I don't care, I do not care.
You know what do I make Threebucks from Amazon?
I don't care, I do not care.
Get the these five steps.
(28:13):
Position you to listen to thewisdom inside of you and there's
nothing better than that.
And it's, and that part is free, and it goes on.
And on your whole life.
And if you read the book a fewtimes, or you read it with a
friend and something you hadsaid early on the way of reading
(28:33):
the book, the book even is laidout in a way that says oh, you
know, put the book down for alittle while now, or, you know,
take a breath.
You know, or practice this,think it over.
I mean, and there's someexercises in here.
You do not have to do any ofthe exercises and I'm going to
(28:54):
say to you you really don't needto read beyond the five steps.
The last couple of chapters areyou know how, how it played out
in my life, but you don't evenneed to read that.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Just fun.
That's the fun part.
That's those of us that love toknow what life is like for
other people.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
Okay, then do that, then do that.
But for those of you who don'tsomebody I gave the book to says
oh, I don't like to read, Isaid there's hardly any words in
this book.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Would I be able to spread out these five steps?
Um, before I had even met you,I had gone to a conference where
they did these five steps inthe conference and it was beyond
transformative and it it waswhat pulled me out and, arguably
(29:52):
, is what woke me up from thedepths of trauma and grief that
I was experiencing.
And, yeah, so I am very much afan of these five steps.
Right, great, I'm so glad thatyou wrote this book, because not
everybody can afford to go tothose types of conferences.
(30:15):
It was very expensive.
Um, I don't know how if youcan't, but everybody should be
able to learn how to pullthemselves out of that spot, and
you are the only one that cando that and you so graciously
wrote this book that helpspeople do that.
So I really appreciate that.
Ellen, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Well, thanks for this opportunity to have this fun
and talk with your listeners.
And it's really, it's withineach one of us.
It is that power.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And there we have it she Sweet Society.
What an illuminatingconversation with Ellen Siegel,
author of Be Happy, no Matterwhat.
In these tumultuous times whenheadlines can trigger anxiety
and uncertainty seems to be theonly constant, ellen's five
steps to finding peace feel lesslike luxury and more like
necessity.
From the power of intentionalbreathing to the transformative
(31:11):
practice of meditation, we'veexplored practical tools that
can anchor us during life'sinevitable storms.
I hope you're walking away fromtoday's episode with something
tangible to try, perhaps a newbreathing technique for your
morning commute.
Remember that finding peaceisn't about escaping reality,
but rather about creating asolid foundation from which you
(31:31):
can engage with it moreeffectively.
Ellen, thank you for sharingyour wisdom, your methodologies
and your light with ourcommunity today.
For everyone listening whowants to dive deeper, remember
that Be Happy, no Matter what isavailable on Amazon.
Until next time, she SweetSociety, may you find moments of
peace in each day, breathethrough the challenges and
remember that your happinessisn't dependent on circumstances
(31:55):
.
It's a practice you cultivatefrom within.
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.