October 21, 2024 • 27 mins
Choosing Self-Worth Over Compromise
In this episode, Bribri addresses the importance of self-worth by discussing a personal decision to prioritize her own needs and desires. She emphasizes taking a clear stand by communicating her expectations directly and being willing to walk away if those needs are not met.
00:00 Choosing Myself: The Beginning
06:05 Laying It All Out: My Terms
06:12 Setting Boundaries: Take It or Leave It
Here are the links to the resources mentioned in this episode:
Single Mom Self-Care Checklist
Dating Confidence Workbook
Dating Profile Creation Guide
Spill the Tea: The Single Mom Dating Bible
The Solo Mama Digital Planner
And as always, if you want to join my single mom community and participate in the 10 Day Glow Up Challenge where I send you a glow up tip in the form of a text love letter, text "glow" to 667-222-3798
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
BriBri Sanders (00:01):
Welcome back to The Single Mom Glow Up.
If you listened to the lastepisode, you know, things were
tough.
Today, we're picking up rightwhere we left off, and I'm
sharing how everything shifted,how I learned to thrive as a
single mom and found myconfidence again.
So.
Without further ado, let's jumpin.
(00:24):
So where I left off, I wastalking about...
oh, gosh, the the end of my lastrelationship or the last
relationship before I reallystarted learning how to put
myself first, right.
And so that breakup hurt a lotlot and what was the turning
(00:47):
point for me?
It was getting to a point ofrealizing, okay, I had a hand in
this, I need to takeresponsibility for my actions
and my choices.
And picking people who aren't agood match for me picking.
And guys who I like like, or Ithink that I like, but really, I
(01:09):
just liked the attention or whatit means to be with that person.
And I completely gloss overother stuff, right.
I need to figure out how to notdo this.
Right.
And so so I started, first ofall, I took some time you
obviously not dating, but stillconnecting with people online.
(01:31):
I I made a discord and, or Ialready had a discord because my
exfoliant at me and his friendgroup, but I was on discord and
I joined some other servers.
And met some people and justhave some really good.
Really good connections.
That I, then, you know, I dothis thing where I just like.
Level of super fast.
(01:51):
And so we're, I will connect.
With someone at a certain level.
Next thing.
I know I've grown.
Differently.
I don't want to say up.
Up past or anything like that.
I think.
That it's a different.
Thing it's not a better orworse.
In most cases, it's justdifferent.
Different.
And so, you know, it started togrow differently.
And you know, I didn't stay.
(02:13):
On discord that long.
And then I started dating again,but the difference was.
Was I started dating.
For me when, I mean, By datingfor me is I started a date to
learn my.
My likes dislikes.
Non-negotiables negotiables.
Values, et cetera.
And what I wanted.
And to just, you know, like havefun, like I'm very much like a.
(02:36):
You know, holding.
And my hand tell me I'm prettykind of girly.
And so that's what I did.
And I had a great time.
I just, the glow kept glowing.
I had had locks.
And a Bob at that point, right.
They were at my tailbone andthen I cut them.
A bit during the pandemic andthen I cut them into a lump and
it was super.
Super cute.
Oh my gosh.
(02:56):
But then at one.
When was this the beginning of2021?
I shaved my head basically.
And.
It was so liberating andfreeing.
Not just.
Just in a physical sense.
I mean, I looked.
Stunning.
And if you're watching this onYouTube, you can see the, in the
thumbnail.
I.
Don't have'em tear.
(03:20):
But it was.
Also liberating in the sense oflike, I, this hair that I was
super attached to.
I got rid of it.
And.
I look, so I looked good before.
But I looked so much better andinternally that was also.
Also what was happening.
Right.
I got rid of all this.
This baggage.
All this.
Incorrect programming all thisself hating.
(03:41):
Hating programming especiallyagainst single moms.
And.
Instead of feeling.
Worse.
I felt so much better.
I felt so much lighter.
And I was just glowing from theinside.
Out.
And the more that I learnedabout myself and what I liked.
I liked and just poured intomyself really.
(04:01):
And made content something aboutmaking this kind.
Content, this kind of empoweringcontent does makes me go 10
times harder.
I think it's.
My purpose, honestly.
But.
Something about doing that.
Just.
It was like a what's it called?
A snowball.
No ball effect.
Right.
And you know, Things weren'tcompletely easy.
(04:23):
Right?
I was still dealing withanxiety.
I was living at home and allthis stuff.
And back then, I.
I had my qualms about living athome because it felt shameful.
I felt like, you know, I shouldbe on my own.
Like I'm 20 something years old.
Then I should be this and Ishould be that just shitting all
over myself.
And.
So, you know, I still carried.
(04:45):
A lot of that, but then I alsowas very, I felt I.
I felt great at the same time.
It was both.
There was a duality there.
And so.
What was another turning pointor like not a turning point, but
like a test.
Test, I think.
Is when I.
There was this one guy who I hada super.
(05:08):
Soft spot for who I was in along distance.
On and off flirtation ship withit.
Didn't really like.
I didn't turn it to anything.
Anything massive, but there werea lot of feelings Involved.
And so.
He.
I was in town one.
One week For something and.
You know, we met up.
(05:28):
Chatted had a good time.
And then afterwards, Words.
He.
I just had enough.
Of like the flirtation sickness.
And I was like, look.
I did.
Did my, I do this.
I don't do it as much anymore.
But I can get very black andwhite with stuff.
I was like, look.
We're either.
Like we either go all.
In with this or we leave eachother alone because this middle
(05:51):
ground is driving me.
Absolutely.
Bonkers and I just can't take itanymore.
He was like, yeah, that much.
Let's just not basically.
And so we didn't and.
In that moment.
I chose myself, not just inwalking away.
And not chasing, but inliterally laying it out on a
table.
And being like, look, this iswhat I want.
(06:12):
You can either give it to me.
Or I'm leaving.
Right.
I didn't.
Do stuff like that before Ididn't outright just say like,
Hey, can you meet my needs?
That's a scary.
And vulnerable thing to do,right.
And to put yourself out thereand be like, Hey, can you meet
my needs?
If you are not used to doingthat, if you're used to being
passive aggressive or, you know,not.
(06:33):
Asking.
Pretending you don't have needs.
If you're used to all of that.
And then you turn around andsay, Hey, this is what I need.
Can you provide that scary?
Terrifying and then to receive arejection afterwards.
Oh, it hurt.
It's done.
I was crying.
I cried a lot.
And after that, I was like, allright, well, It feels.
Great to choose myself here.
(06:54):
Yes.
I don't regret my decision.
And.
I need to take a break fromdating, right?
Cause I was doing.
That dating for me thing andhaving a great time.
I was having fun.
And.
So I took some time to myself.
And, you know, a couple of dayslater, I was like, all right,
I'm going to delete these apps.
And so I want to hinge, I saidapps, but really I was only on
(07:17):
hinge.
So I went to him.
And I was like, all right.
I have 250 likes on here.
I'm going to delete them.
So that when I get back on theapp, Whenever I get back on, I
don't have 250 likes to gothrough and more than half of
them.
Aren't even on the app.
Anymore.
And it's just, you know, I justwant it to be clean and clear
when I come back.
(07:39):
Mind you, I had hinge premium.
At the time.
Because let's just say I had ahookup Who.
When I say hookup, I don't meanin like the dating.
I mean a friend of a friend.
Hooked me up with.
Premium hinge for the freeanyway.
So, you know, I could go throughall the likes and just delete
them.
And so I'm going through before.
(08:00):
I just blindly delete them all.
And I see this one guy and hewas just so handsome and like,
So my type.
And so I just check on hisprofile.
Okay.
I guess like in local a littlebit.
And so I looked.
And in his profile, he mentionedsomething.
So Niche that I was like, oh mygosh, there's no way.
(08:21):
Right.
And it was like, what is yourmost adventurous?
What's the most infectious thingyou.
did.
And it was that he.
Did a target and swing in CostaRica.
And I was like, there's no wayhe Did the same tar dancing that
I did in Costa Rica.
So I had to find out and.
So I responded to that.
And.
(08:42):
Kind of find out he did do thesame tire then.
So you can Costa Rica and abunch.
Of other things.
It was just 10 years apart.
That we were both there.
He was there way longer than Iwas.
I was there for like 13 days.
He was there for like 13 months.
Not exactly.
That's an estimation.
Anyway.
So.
we started chatting on thatlevel and then things just.
(09:02):
blossomed and he startedapplying.
A whole lot of pressure and he'sjust this really good guy.
And things moved really fast.
This is not necessarilysomething that I recommend.
doing for most people unless.
you feel.
Highly connected with yourintuition And you've done a lot
(09:25):
of work.
On yourself.
I'm really good.
At reading people.
And so.
If you are not good at readingpeople, I don't recommend doing
this.
If you're not connected to yourintuition, I don't recommend
doing this.
my intuition snatches me up AndI hear it before.
(09:47):
It's not just me up.
Don't get me wrong.
But.
In certain instances, it issuper loud, Especially when it
comes to other people.
I have issues with my intuition,not issues.
But it's.
Harder for me to hear myintuition when the only person
impacted is myself.
But when it comes to the impacton, especially my kids, my
intuition is loud.
Loud and clear all the time.
(10:07):
Just.
Flawless.
And so with that I just wantedto give that disclaimer, but.
We ended up moving in togetherand he was such a great.
He's he's still is he, so he'sgreat with the kids.
And it's just a really.
Oh really good guy.
He was.
(10:28):
Perfect.
I had a list.
Right.
I always say dating.
Dating without a list is likegoing to target without.
Without a list.
Like you go to target without alist.
You come out with a whole bunchof stuff you don't need.
And don't really want.
And, you know, you're wastedyour time and energy, getting
it.
Right.
Not always, sometimes you findgems and target and it's a good
thing.
(10:48):
But.
The most time, that's not thecase.
And same thing with dating.
You go into dating without alist.
And you end up.
Just all over.
The place really.
Right.
But if you have a list and I'mnot talking about a list of
physical features, Those things.
I mean, they matter a bit if youknow, they matter for you.
Some people like me, I'm prettyI'm like Demi sexual.
So like looks.
(11:08):
Looks matter to an extent, butthey also don't.
But anyway that's.
Not the main point of the list.
The main point is, you know,those things that you learn.
As you date for you.
So, you know, how do you.
Like to be treated.
How do you like to feel, what doyou like in a person?
What kind of friendship do youwant to build with your partner?
(11:29):
What kind.
Of romantic relationship.
What type of.
The sexual.
Relationship, like, do you evenwant to have a sexual
relationship?
You know, are you a sexual.
Like these things that.
You may not even know.
about yourself.
Right.
Especially if you're like me anddedicated the first seven.
years of your adult life.
To some scrub.
(11:50):
Right.
Like loyalty to vote into someskull rent.
All right.
You don't know these thingsabout yourself, all, you know,
is how to be in a relationshipwith that one person.
So.
So you're figuring all thisstuff out.
So you date.
For you.
Right.
And so having figured.
Figured all that stuff out.
(12:12):
I had my list.
And he checked off everything onthat list.
Everything.
And so I just went with it.
I just went with the flow.
Right.
Keeping my intuition onlistening, staying.
Staying tuned in.
And it was beautiful.
And.
And really the only reason itended wasn't for lack of love.
(12:34):
In fact, I think it lastedlonger because of the love.
It's.
There was so much external, likelife things.
Happening that kind of like aput internal pressure on each of
us.
And be pulled us apart, like.
By the end of the.
The relationship.
We didn't have anything left togive to the relationship.
(12:55):
It just ended that way.
there was no.
Like.
There's nothing to be angry at.
There.
was some anger, but it was notpointed at each other because
it's like neither.
of us did anything wrong.
It just was a sucky situation.
And each of us had to chooseourselves.
And, you know, we're both doinga lot better.
I want to say by the end of therelationship we both look like
(13:18):
sunk in.
I look at the pictures and I'mlike, Oh, my gosh, we look like.
Dead and rained and all of Theseterrible things, but I saw him
last week when he brought somefood.
For the puppy.
And.
You know, I look so much better.
He looks so much better.
And I'm just like, oh, Thankgoodness.
More than.
Anything.
(13:40):
I care about him as a person.
Right.
If we can't be together, I stillwant him to live.
An amazing, wonderful lifebecause he deserves to live
amazing, wonderful life.
And same for me.
And so I say all that to saythat The choosing myself had.
(14:02):
An immediate return you know,and it doesn't always happen
Immediately.
So I want to set thatexpectation, but it had an
immediate return.
Of aligning me with someone who.
was good for me at the time.
Right.
And then things fell apart forother reasons.
I think.
God has.
Has other plans for me?
But by No means, do I feel likethat relationship was a failure?
(14:24):
Or shouldn't Have happened oranything I'm grateful for it.
I think.
It was supposed to happen.
And I see it as a gift.
I see him as A gift and all ofthat stuff, sure.
It ended.
But like, I regret nothing.
And I don't think he doeseither.
He said he did it.
And I believe him.
(14:44):
So I wanted to say that I thinkGod has different plans for me.
in that.
Moment after I chose myself.
God was kind of like, all right.
Here.
I'm going to give you everythingthat you want.
Here's the relationship that youwant.
You're going to move out.
You're going.
Gonna have the job that youwant.
And so I ended up.
(15:05):
Working this amazing job as aCollege counselor.
as a therapist, it's hard tofind a job.
That pays well.
you don't have a lot of clientfacing.
Ours.
And that you have good benefitsand the workplace isn't.
Toxic.
Usually it's a toss up betweenthose.
I found a job that had all thebenefits, coworkers.
Amazing.
(15:25):
Supervisor amazing pay.
Amazing benefit.
Crazy good.
it was such a great place.
To work.
And.
I couldn't work there.
Like I started facing and I'llget into.
And another episode, but.
I learned that I was autistic.
So I was facing.
Burnout.
(15:45):
That was facing autisticburnout.
Like I can't do the eight to.
Five thing.
And if this seems a little bitchoppy, my apologies, I had.
To pause before I just did thisnext section to go get my kids
from the.
School bus and my son is a bit.
Having a moment.
Yes, autistic burnout.
So I'll, I'll talk about that inanother episode.
(16:06):
Otherwise, it sounds going to beages.
And so.
That happened.
And my ex was going through.
His own stuff at the time withhis job and.
He's been on like thisredemption arc and it's just
been a really tough time.
Time for him.
And.
For the astrology girlies, I'm aLibra, he's an Aries.
(16:28):
And so if you know, you've beenfollowing the Cardinal sign.
Thing then.
You know, it tracks, but.
Yeah, we.
We're just going through.
Like I said, external stuff.
But then we both ended up havingto, I came.
I came back here home to live myparents because I had to leave
the job.
(16:49):
And it was such a, that feltlike a breakup too.
I was like crying.
I was sobbing.
On the daily, because I was soupset.
In admitting that I had to leavesuch a great job.
And, you know, Kind of the samething happened with the
relationship.
I was upset.
That like the relationship wasover I didn't want it to be
over.
But it was, and he didn't wantit to be over, but it was, I
(17:10):
think of my supervisor.
She was like, I don't want youto leave.
But I don't want you to stay ifthis is how the job is making.
You feel like you're making somuch sense?
Like.
I hate that.
She's like, I hate it too.
So.
You know, that happened.
And then we had to move out ofour.
townhouse and he's with familyand I'm with family.
(17:32):
And it's like, I'm back atsquare one.
No job.
Single mom, living at home withmy parents.
No partner.
Just me and the kids.
Right.
And my family.
And.
At first, it felt like a majorbelow.
Like, oh my gosh, here I am backat square one.
I failed.
But.
It wasn't, it's not a failure.
(17:53):
Like I'm.
so much better off.
Not to say that, like that's notaimed at my ex that's just
aimed.
At.
The situation as a whole, like.
Being autistic and trying to doneuro-typical levels.
Of.
Living.
Was killing me like some.
I went to work and I felt likemy legs were going to Collapse
(18:15):
underneath me and I was justgoing to fall and my legs.
Just weren't going to workanymore.
That's what I felt like wasgoing to happen.
If I kept going.
Which sounds wild, but that doeshappen.
To people.
I felt like I was back.
At square one, but then Irealized it was more like that
episode of SpongeBob.
Bob with the magic conch.
(18:35):
And, you know, Patrick andSquidward get flung into the
middle of a forest.
And all they have as a magicconch.
Right.
And I felt like.
That was just, okay.
All right.
Everything fell apart.
I'm stuck here.
With the magic conch, let mepull the thing and see what it
says.
And.
You know, magic content in myworld is God.
So I'm like what.
(18:55):
What am I supposed to do here?
And the way that the answer wasnothing.
Nothing.
I was like, Okay.
All right.
Right.
You know what.
Let's do it your way.
God, because I.
I feel like those last twoyears.
Got handed me everything.
He was like, here's everythingyou think you want.
And I was like, yay.
(19:16):
Yay.
I did it.
All right.
But then I realized everythingthat I thought.
I wanted was so contrary to whoI am.
Right.
And I never would've learnedthat lesson had.
I've not been handed everythingI wanted.
Right.
Because what I was doing waslooking.
At everything else and beinglike, okay, well, if only I had.
(19:36):
had the perfect counseling job.
If only I Had the perfectpartner then.
Life would be great.
Right.
But God's.
Showed me.
that what I thought was.
My purpose.
Is not my purpose.
And So I'm not a hundred percentsure what my purpose is.
(19:57):
Right.
I'm still figuring that out, butI'm.
Taking the.
Little guy then taking thelittle I sat there and I did
nothing.
And.
I'm still some days doingnothing.
Kind of.
But.
I'm taking it.
By step now instead of just,okay, well, you know, I.
I studied to be this.
So this is what I'm going to doand had this big plan.
(20:20):
I don't have a big plan.
I have like day.
Day-to-day plans like thispodcast, right?
This all started with a threads.
Heads post.
And I was like, Hmm.
I wonder if anyone would even beinterested in being interviewed.
And so what did I do?
I posted on threads and it blewup and a bunch of y'all
responded.
(20:40):
And we're like, Hey, I want tobe interviewed.
I'm like, heck yes.
I had 20 something people signup.
And I've Got a bunch ofinterviews lined up for you to
listen to now.
So.
That kind of thing, right.
Going with the flow.
And like I said, I'm not a Flogoor I'm a.
Planner.
(21:01):
But I have become a flow goerbecause God.
Took everything away.
And he was like, all right, nowthat you've had what you wanted
and you realize.
Realized that it's not what.
You're supposed to be doing.
In this life, are you ready tolisten?
I'm ready to listen.
All right.
So that's my journey.
(21:21):
And so I say all that, but.
But like, I, I want to emphasizethat, that wasn't a failure.
I think.
Got also showed me through that.
That.
It does work like choosingyourself.
Does work.
It works.
You know, God's plan works more,but like, It does work.
(21:42):
I wouldn't have gotten To thatpoint, had I not.
Learned to choose myself.
So lately what I've been doingis, you know, Having my back.
Doing a lot of self check-ins.
I actually have a self Carechecklist.
I sometimes.
We'll refer to it.
I don't necessarily need toanymore because a lot of it has
(22:03):
Become habit.
But.
I have provided it.
So if that's something thatyou're interested in, I can
definitely.
leave my link to that in thedescription.
I have all kinds of resourcesfor single moms.
I've got.
Um, on planner, it's got acustody schedule.
It's got Meal planning in theweekly template.
Not on some weird random page.
And it's got financial Planningsections.
(22:26):
I've got a date and confidence.
Confidence guide that literallywalks you through everything
that I did.
To get to a point to be able tochoose myself.
It's called dating confidence.
But you don't have to use itbefore you're dating or to boost
your dating confidence.
It's just good for boosting yourconfidence and glowing up in
general.
It deals with stuff specific tomoms.
(22:46):
Not all of it's specific tomiles, but it has stuff that's
also specific.
Mobs.
And it's a workbook.
You just walk yourself throughit and you do the activity.
and you do the reflection andyou are well on your way to.
Too.
Healing that void that inepisode, I talked about it.
And this episode but the firstepisode.
You know, just being moreconfident in who you are.
(23:08):
As a person and feeling morewhole.
That's why I made that.
And then I've got a dating Biblethat just talks about all the
things I've learned.
As a single I'm dating And thenI've got a dating profile
creation guide because the rulesare a little bit.
Different.
If you have kids.
And.
They don't have to be different.
But they are a little bitdifferent.
(23:29):
And yeah, So feel free to checkthose out.
And.
I'm going to end things here.
Otherwise I'm going To go over.
Last point, last thing It'sreminder.
Please, please, please chooseyourself.
Always, always.
You cannot pour from an emptycup.
If you choose yourself.
(23:50):
Self then you build yourselfinto someone that.
Has the capacity for your kidsthat can give even more to your
kid instead of being in survivalmode, you.
Go from surviving to thriving.
Oh, that's the piece that Iwanted to address to.
I created this space.
Not just.
For single moms in general.
(24:10):
I mean, you're all welcome here,but.
I created this spacespecifically for Other single
moms, whether you'reneurodivergent or sensitive.
Or whatever.
Who like me?
Can not.
Subscribe to that.
Hustle culture.
Right.
For some singles moms.
(24:30):
Oh, thrive in that.
Right.
I cannot like that.
Tears me down.
That makes me a terrible mother.
It makes me a shell of a personand I just.
Just can't.
And so now I'm on this journeyto build a life.
Where.
I can still be the soft growly.
That I am.
And still be a single.
(24:51):
Mom, still show up for my kidsstill.
Rachel level of independence.
Once, but like, I also verymuch.
Love my support.
System and will.
Hold on to my support system.
I'm not going to.
Let go of that.
Just for the sake of saying, oh,I do this on my own, or I can do
this on my own.
Right.
Like to me, that's not a badgeof honor.
(25:13):
It's a, it's a show of strength.
Don't get me wrong.
But to me, that's not a badge ofhonor.
That you're doing it on yourown.
That's just.
The show of the.
The failure of society tosupport its mothers.
Right.
Like it takes a village that isone of the truest.
Idioms the truest statements,the truest expressions.
(25:35):
That I think there is about.
Parenting like it takes avillage.
And if you're doing it.
It without a village, don't getme wrong.
You're amazing.
You're strong.
Your independence is unmatched.
Right, but that.
Is.
That takes a toll.
And for me, especially, it takesa major.
(25:58):
I can't.
I don't care to do that.
I cannot.
I do that.
I refuse to do that.
And so if you resonate.
Nate with that.
My space is for you.
Especially because you'reallowed to be soft.
You're allowed.
To need support.
You're allowed to want supportas a mom.
Period.
(26:19):
And if.
Anyone questions that they can.
Go be by themselves.
With their kids, right?
Like you go do that.
It can mind their business andyou can mind Yours.
Right.
Like at the end of the day, youhave to do what's.
Best for you so that you can dowhat's best for your kids.
And if what's best for you.
Is to.
(26:39):
Lift the soft girl life andcreate a life.
That you can live the soft growlife as a single mom.
Do it.
Like, why not?
You know, Alright, so thank youso much.
And that was a bit of a tangent.
I've had to go there sooner, butI didn't want to end this saga.
Have, you know, my story withoutmentioning that.
(27:02):
So thank.
You so much for tuning in onceagain, this episode was All
about transformation orrediscovery and you know, the
soft grow life.
And about realizing that even inthe hardest moments we have the
power to rebuild.
uBuild and even in ourrebuilding.
If that gets knocked down, youhave.
The power to rebuild again.
And so I hope my journeyinspires you.
(27:22):
You to start thinking about yourown glow up.
And remember whether you're.
You're just starting out oryou're deep in your
transformation.
You've.
Got this.
Okay.
Don't forget to subscribe.
Crime.
And leave a review of today'sepisode resonated with you.
And I.
We'll catch you in the next one.
Bye.
Bye.
Welcome back to The Single Mom Glow Up.
If you listened to the lastepisode, you know, things were
tough.
Today, we're picking up rightwhere we left off, and I'm
sharing how everything shifted,how I learned to thrive as a
single mom and found myconfidence again.
So.
Without further ado, let's jumpin.
(00:24):
So where I left off, I wastalking about...
oh, gosh, the the end of my lastrelationship or the last
relationship before I reallystarted learning how to put
myself first, right.
And so that breakup hurt a lotlot and what was the turning
(00:47):
point for me?
It was getting to a point ofrealizing, okay, I had a hand in
this, I need to takeresponsibility for my actions
and my choices.
And picking people who aren't agood match for me picking.
And guys who I like like, or Ithink that I like, but really, I
(01:09):
just liked the attention or whatit means to be with that person.
And I completely gloss overother stuff, right.
I need to figure out how to notdo this.
Right.
And so so I started, first ofall, I took some time you
obviously not dating, but stillconnecting with people online.
(01:31):
I I made a discord and, or Ialready had a discord because my
exfoliant at me and his friendgroup, but I was on discord and
I joined some other servers.
And met some people and justhave some really good.
Really good connections.
That I, then, you know, I dothis thing where I just like.
Level of super fast.
(01:51):
And so we're, I will connect.
With someone at a certain level.
Next thing.
I know I've grown.
Differently.
I don't want to say up.
Up past or anything like that.
I think.
That it's a different.
Thing it's not a better orworse.
In most cases, it's justdifferent.
Different.
And so, you know, it started togrow differently.
And you know, I didn't stay.
(02:13):
On discord that long.
And then I started dating again,but the difference was.
Was I started dating.
For me when, I mean, By datingfor me is I started a date to
learn my.
My likes dislikes.
Non-negotiables negotiables.
Values, et cetera.
And what I wanted.
And to just, you know, like havefun, like I'm very much like a.
(02:36):
You know, holding.
And my hand tell me I'm prettykind of girly.
And so that's what I did.
And I had a great time.
I just, the glow kept glowing.
I had had locks.
And a Bob at that point, right.
They were at my tailbone andthen I cut them.
A bit during the pandemic andthen I cut them into a lump and
it was super.
Super cute.
Oh my gosh.
(02:56):
But then at one.
When was this the beginning of2021?
I shaved my head basically.
And.
It was so liberating andfreeing.
Not just.
Just in a physical sense.
I mean, I looked.
Stunning.
And if you're watching this onYouTube, you can see the, in the
thumbnail.
I.
Don't have'em tear.
(03:20):
But it was.
Also liberating in the sense oflike, I, this hair that I was
super attached to.
I got rid of it.
And.
I look, so I looked good before.
But I looked so much better andinternally that was also.
Also what was happening.
Right.
I got rid of all this.
This baggage.
All this.
Incorrect programming all thisself hating.
(03:41):
Hating programming especiallyagainst single moms.
And.
Instead of feeling.
Worse.
I felt so much better.
I felt so much lighter.
And I was just glowing from theinside.
Out.
And the more that I learnedabout myself and what I liked.
I liked and just poured intomyself really.
(04:01):
And made content something aboutmaking this kind.
Content, this kind of empoweringcontent does makes me go 10
times harder.
I think it's.
My purpose, honestly.
But.
Something about doing that.
Just.
It was like a what's it called?
A snowball.
No ball effect.
Right.
And you know, Things weren'tcompletely easy.
(04:23):
Right?
I was still dealing withanxiety.
I was living at home and allthis stuff.
And back then, I.
I had my qualms about living athome because it felt shameful.
I felt like, you know, I shouldbe on my own.
Like I'm 20 something years old.
Then I should be this and Ishould be that just shitting all
over myself.
And.
So, you know, I still carried.
(04:45):
A lot of that, but then I alsowas very, I felt I.
I felt great at the same time.
It was both.
There was a duality there.
And so.
What was another turning pointor like not a turning point, but
like a test.
Test, I think.
Is when I.
There was this one guy who I hada super.
(05:08):
Soft spot for who I was in along distance.
On and off flirtation ship withit.
Didn't really like.
I didn't turn it to anything.
Anything massive, but there werea lot of feelings Involved.
And so.
He.
I was in town one.
One week For something and.
You know, we met up.
(05:28):
Chatted had a good time.
And then afterwards, Words.
He.
I just had enough.
Of like the flirtation sickness.
And I was like, look.
I did.
Did my, I do this.
I don't do it as much anymore.
But I can get very black andwhite with stuff.
I was like, look.
We're either.
Like we either go all.
In with this or we leave eachother alone because this middle
(05:51):
ground is driving me.
Absolutely.
Bonkers and I just can't take itanymore.
He was like, yeah, that much.
Let's just not basically.
And so we didn't and.
In that moment.
I chose myself, not just inwalking away.
And not chasing, but inliterally laying it out on a
table.
And being like, look, this iswhat I want.
(06:12):
You can either give it to me.
Or I'm leaving.
Right.
I didn't.
Do stuff like that before Ididn't outright just say like,
Hey, can you meet my needs?
That's a scary.
And vulnerable thing to do,right.
And to put yourself out thereand be like, Hey, can you meet
my needs?
If you are not used to doingthat, if you're used to being
passive aggressive or, you know,not.
(06:33):
Asking.
Pretending you don't have needs.
If you're used to all of that.
And then you turn around andsay, Hey, this is what I need.
Can you provide that scary?
Terrifying and then to receive arejection afterwards.
Oh, it hurt.
It's done.
I was crying.
I cried a lot.
And after that, I was like, allright, well, It feels.
Great to choose myself here.
(06:54):
Yes.
I don't regret my decision.
And.
I need to take a break fromdating, right?
Cause I was doing.
That dating for me thing andhaving a great time.
I was having fun.
And.
So I took some time to myself.
And, you know, a couple of dayslater, I was like, all right,
I'm going to delete these apps.
And so I want to hinge, I saidapps, but really I was only on
(07:17):
hinge.
So I went to him.
And I was like, all right.
I have 250 likes on here.
I'm going to delete them.
So that when I get back on theapp, Whenever I get back on, I
don't have 250 likes to gothrough and more than half of
them.
Aren't even on the app.
Anymore.
And it's just, you know, I justwant it to be clean and clear
when I come back.
(07:39):
Mind you, I had hinge premium.
At the time.
Because let's just say I had ahookup Who.
When I say hookup, I don't meanin like the dating.
I mean a friend of a friend.
Hooked me up with.
Premium hinge for the freeanyway.
So, you know, I could go throughall the likes and just delete
them.
And so I'm going through before.
(08:00):
I just blindly delete them all.
And I see this one guy and hewas just so handsome and like,
So my type.
And so I just check on hisprofile.
Okay.
I guess like in local a littlebit.
And so I looked.
And in his profile, he mentionedsomething.
So Niche that I was like, oh mygosh, there's no way.
(08:21):
Right.
And it was like, what is yourmost adventurous?
What's the most infectious thingyou.
did.
And it was that he.
Did a target and swing in CostaRica.
And I was like, there's no wayhe Did the same tar dancing that
I did in Costa Rica.
So I had to find out and.
So I responded to that.
And.
(08:42):
Kind of find out he did do thesame tire then.
So you can Costa Rica and abunch.
Of other things.
It was just 10 years apart.
That we were both there.
He was there way longer than Iwas.
I was there for like 13 days.
He was there for like 13 months.
Not exactly.
That's an estimation.
Anyway.
So.
we started chatting on thatlevel and then things just.
(09:02):
blossomed and he startedapplying.
A whole lot of pressure and he'sjust this really good guy.
And things moved really fast.
This is not necessarilysomething that I recommend.
doing for most people unless.
you feel.
Highly connected with yourintuition And you've done a lot
(09:25):
of work.
On yourself.
I'm really good.
At reading people.
And so.
If you are not good at readingpeople, I don't recommend doing
this.
If you're not connected to yourintuition, I don't recommend
doing this.
my intuition snatches me up AndI hear it before.
(09:47):
It's not just me up.
Don't get me wrong.
But.
In certain instances, it issuper loud, Especially when it
comes to other people.
I have issues with my intuition,not issues.
But it's.
Harder for me to hear myintuition when the only person
impacted is myself.
But when it comes to the impacton, especially my kids, my
intuition is loud.
Loud and clear all the time.
(10:07):
Just.
Flawless.
And so with that I just wantedto give that disclaimer, but.
We ended up moving in togetherand he was such a great.
He's he's still is he, so he'sgreat with the kids.
And it's just a really.
Oh really good guy.
He was.
(10:28):
Perfect.
I had a list.
Right.
I always say dating.
Dating without a list is likegoing to target without.
Without a list.
Like you go to target without alist.
You come out with a whole bunchof stuff you don't need.
And don't really want.
And, you know, you're wastedyour time and energy, getting
it.
Right.
Not always, sometimes you findgems and target and it's a good
thing.
(10:48):
But.
The most time, that's not thecase.
And same thing with dating.
You go into dating without alist.
And you end up.
Just all over.
The place really.
Right.
But if you have a list and I'mnot talking about a list of
physical features, Those things.
I mean, they matter a bit if youknow, they matter for you.
Some people like me, I'm prettyI'm like Demi sexual.
So like looks.
(11:08):
Looks matter to an extent, butthey also don't.
But anyway that's.
Not the main point of the list.
The main point is, you know,those things that you learn.
As you date for you.
So, you know, how do you.
Like to be treated.
How do you like to feel, what doyou like in a person?
What kind of friendship do youwant to build with your partner?
(11:29):
What kind.
Of romantic relationship.
What type of.
The sexual.
Relationship, like, do you evenwant to have a sexual
relationship?
You know, are you a sexual.
Like these things that.
You may not even know.
about yourself.
Right.
Especially if you're like me anddedicated the first seven.
years of your adult life.
To some scrub.
(11:50):
Right.
Like loyalty to vote into someskull rent.
All right.
You don't know these thingsabout yourself, all, you know,
is how to be in a relationshipwith that one person.
So.
So you're figuring all thisstuff out.
So you date.
For you.
Right.
And so having figured.
Figured all that stuff out.
(12:12):
I had my list.
And he checked off everything onthat list.
Everything.
And so I just went with it.
I just went with the flow.
Right.
Keeping my intuition onlistening, staying.
Staying tuned in.
And it was beautiful.
And.
And really the only reason itended wasn't for lack of love.
(12:34):
In fact, I think it lastedlonger because of the love.
It's.
There was so much external, likelife things.
Happening that kind of like aput internal pressure on each of
us.
And be pulled us apart, like.
By the end of the.
The relationship.
We didn't have anything left togive to the relationship.
(12:55):
It just ended that way.
there was no.
Like.
There's nothing to be angry at.
There.
was some anger, but it was notpointed at each other because
it's like neither.
of us did anything wrong.
It just was a sucky situation.
And each of us had to chooseourselves.
And, you know, we're both doinga lot better.
I want to say by the end of therelationship we both look like
(13:18):
sunk in.
I look at the pictures and I'mlike, Oh, my gosh, we look like.
Dead and rained and all of Theseterrible things, but I saw him
last week when he brought somefood.
For the puppy.
And.
You know, I look so much better.
He looks so much better.
And I'm just like, oh, Thankgoodness.
More than.
Anything.
(13:40):
I care about him as a person.
Right.
If we can't be together, I stillwant him to live.
An amazing, wonderful lifebecause he deserves to live
amazing, wonderful life.
And same for me.
And so I say all that to saythat The choosing myself had.
(14:02):
An immediate return you know,and it doesn't always happen
Immediately.
So I want to set thatexpectation, but it had an
immediate return.
Of aligning me with someone who.
was good for me at the time.
Right.
And then things fell apart forother reasons.
I think.
God has.
Has other plans for me?
But by No means, do I feel likethat relationship was a failure?
(14:24):
Or shouldn't Have happened oranything I'm grateful for it.
I think.
It was supposed to happen.
And I see it as a gift.
I see him as A gift and all ofthat stuff, sure.
It ended.
But like, I regret nothing.
And I don't think he doeseither.
He said he did it.
And I believe him.
(14:44):
So I wanted to say that I thinkGod has different plans for me.
in that.
Moment after I chose myself.
God was kind of like, all right.
Here.
I'm going to give you everythingthat you want.
Here's the relationship that youwant.
You're going to move out.
You're going.
Gonna have the job that youwant.
And so I ended up.
(15:05):
Working this amazing job as aCollege counselor.
as a therapist, it's hard tofind a job.
That pays well.
you don't have a lot of clientfacing.
Ours.
And that you have good benefitsand the workplace isn't.
Toxic.
Usually it's a toss up betweenthose.
I found a job that had all thebenefits, coworkers.
Amazing.
(15:25):
Supervisor amazing pay.
Amazing benefit.
Crazy good.
it was such a great place.
To work.
And.
I couldn't work there.
Like I started facing and I'llget into.
And another episode, but.
I learned that I was autistic.
So I was facing.
Burnout.
(15:45):
That was facing autisticburnout.
Like I can't do the eight to.
Five thing.
And if this seems a little bitchoppy, my apologies, I had.
To pause before I just did thisnext section to go get my kids
from the.
School bus and my son is a bit.
Having a moment.
Yes, autistic burnout.
So I'll, I'll talk about that inanother episode.
(16:06):
Otherwise, it sounds going to beages.
And so.
That happened.
And my ex was going through.
His own stuff at the time withhis job and.
He's been on like thisredemption arc and it's just
been a really tough time.
Time for him.
And.
For the astrology girlies, I'm aLibra, he's an Aries.
(16:28):
And so if you know, you've beenfollowing the Cardinal sign.
Thing then.
You know, it tracks, but.
Yeah, we.
We're just going through.
Like I said, external stuff.
But then we both ended up havingto, I came.
I came back here home to live myparents because I had to leave
the job.
(16:49):
And it was such a, that feltlike a breakup too.
I was like crying.
I was sobbing.
On the daily, because I was soupset.
In admitting that I had to leavesuch a great job.
And, you know, Kind of the samething happened with the
relationship.
I was upset.
That like the relationship wasover I didn't want it to be
over.
But it was, and he didn't wantit to be over, but it was, I
(17:10):
think of my supervisor.
She was like, I don't want youto leave.
But I don't want you to stay ifthis is how the job is making.
You feel like you're making somuch sense?
Like.
I hate that.
She's like, I hate it too.
So.
You know, that happened.
And then we had to move out ofour.
townhouse and he's with familyand I'm with family.
(17:32):
And it's like, I'm back atsquare one.
No job.
Single mom, living at home withmy parents.
No partner.
Just me and the kids.
Right.
And my family.
And.
At first, it felt like a majorbelow.
Like, oh my gosh, here I am backat square one.
I failed.
But.
It wasn't, it's not a failure.
(17:53):
Like I'm.
so much better off.
Not to say that, like that's notaimed at my ex that's just
aimed.
At.
The situation as a whole, like.
Being autistic and trying to doneuro-typical levels.
Of.
Living.
Was killing me like some.
I went to work and I felt likemy legs were going to Collapse
(18:15):
underneath me and I was justgoing to fall and my legs.
Just weren't going to workanymore.
That's what I felt like wasgoing to happen.
If I kept going.
Which sounds wild, but that doeshappen.
To people.
I felt like I was back.
At square one, but then Irealized it was more like that
episode of SpongeBob.
Bob with the magic conch.
(18:35):
And, you know, Patrick andSquidward get flung into the
middle of a forest.
And all they have as a magicconch.
Right.
And I felt like.
That was just, okay.
All right.
Everything fell apart.
I'm stuck here.
With the magic conch, let mepull the thing and see what it
says.
And.
You know, magic content in myworld is God.
So I'm like what.
(18:55):
What am I supposed to do here?
And the way that the answer wasnothing.
Nothing.
I was like, Okay.
All right.
Right.
You know what.
Let's do it your way.
God, because I.
I feel like those last twoyears.
Got handed me everything.
He was like, here's everythingyou think you want.
And I was like, yay.
(19:16):
Yay.
I did it.
All right.
But then I realized everythingthat I thought.
I wanted was so contrary to whoI am.
Right.
And I never would've learnedthat lesson had.
I've not been handed everythingI wanted.
Right.
Because what I was doing waslooking.
At everything else and beinglike, okay, well, if only I had.
(19:36):
had the perfect counseling job.
If only I Had the perfectpartner then.
Life would be great.
Right.
But God's.
Showed me.
that what I thought was.
My purpose.
Is not my purpose.
And So I'm not a hundred percentsure what my purpose is.
(19:57):
Right.
I'm still figuring that out, butI'm.
Taking the.
Little guy then taking thelittle I sat there and I did
nothing.
And.
I'm still some days doingnothing.
Kind of.
But.
I'm taking it.
By step now instead of just,okay, well, you know, I.
I studied to be this.
So this is what I'm going to doand had this big plan.
(20:20):
I don't have a big plan.
I have like day.
Day-to-day plans like thispodcast, right?
This all started with a threads.
Heads post.
And I was like, Hmm.
I wonder if anyone would even beinterested in being interviewed.
And so what did I do?
I posted on threads and it blewup and a bunch of y'all
responded.
(20:40):
And we're like, Hey, I want tobe interviewed.
I'm like, heck yes.
I had 20 something people signup.
And I've Got a bunch ofinterviews lined up for you to
listen to now.
So.
That kind of thing, right.
Going with the flow.
And like I said, I'm not a Flogoor I'm a.
Planner.
(21:01):
But I have become a flow goerbecause God.
Took everything away.
And he was like, all right, nowthat you've had what you wanted
and you realize.
Realized that it's not what.
You're supposed to be doing.
In this life, are you ready tolisten?
I'm ready to listen.
All right.
So that's my journey.
(21:21):
And so I say all that, but.
But like, I, I want to emphasizethat, that wasn't a failure.
I think.
Got also showed me through that.
That.
It does work like choosingyourself.
Does work.
It works.
You know, God's plan works more,but like, It does work.
(21:42):
I wouldn't have gotten To thatpoint, had I not.
Learned to choose myself.
So lately what I've been doingis, you know, Having my back.
Doing a lot of self check-ins.
I actually have a self Carechecklist.
I sometimes.
We'll refer to it.
I don't necessarily need toanymore because a lot of it has
(22:03):
Become habit.
But.
I have provided it.
So if that's something thatyou're interested in, I can
definitely.
leave my link to that in thedescription.
I have all kinds of resourcesfor single moms.
I've got.
Um, on planner, it's got acustody schedule.
It's got Meal planning in theweekly template.
Not on some weird random page.
And it's got financial Planningsections.
(22:26):
I've got a date and confidence.
Confidence guide that literallywalks you through everything
that I did.
To get to a point to be able tochoose myself.
It's called dating confidence.
But you don't have to use itbefore you're dating or to boost
your dating confidence.
It's just good for boosting yourconfidence and glowing up in
general.
It deals with stuff specific tomoms.
(22:46):
Not all of it's specific tomiles, but it has stuff that's
also specific.
Mobs.
And it's a workbook.
You just walk yourself throughit and you do the activity.
and you do the reflection andyou are well on your way to.
Too.
Healing that void that inepisode, I talked about it.
And this episode but the firstepisode.
You know, just being moreconfident in who you are.
(23:08):
As a person and feeling morewhole.
That's why I made that.
And then I've got a dating Biblethat just talks about all the
things I've learned.
As a single I'm dating And thenI've got a dating profile
creation guide because the rulesare a little bit.
Different.
If you have kids.
And.
They don't have to be different.
But they are a little bitdifferent.
(23:29):
And yeah, So feel free to checkthose out.
And.
I'm going to end things here.
Otherwise I'm going To go over.
Last point, last thing It'sreminder.
Please, please, please chooseyourself.
Always, always.
You cannot pour from an emptycup.
If you choose yourself.
(23:50):
Self then you build yourselfinto someone that.
Has the capacity for your kidsthat can give even more to your
kid instead of being in survivalmode, you.
Go from surviving to thriving.
Oh, that's the piece that Iwanted to address to.
I created this space.
Not just.
For single moms in general.
(24:10):
I mean, you're all welcome here,but.
I created this spacespecifically for Other single
moms, whether you'reneurodivergent or sensitive.
Or whatever.
Who like me?
Can not.
Subscribe to that.
Hustle culture.
Right.
For some singles moms.
(24:30):
Oh, thrive in that.
Right.
I cannot like that.
Tears me down.
That makes me a terrible mother.
It makes me a shell of a personand I just.
Just can't.
And so now I'm on this journeyto build a life.
Where.
I can still be the soft growly.
That I am.
And still be a single.
(24:51):
Mom, still show up for my kidsstill.
Rachel level of independence.
Once, but like, I also verymuch.
Love my support.
System and will.
Hold on to my support system.
I'm not going to.
Let go of that.
Just for the sake of saying, oh,I do this on my own, or I can do
this on my own.
Right.
Like to me, that's not a badgeof honor.
(25:13):
It's a, it's a show of strength.
Don't get me wrong.
But to me, that's not a badge ofhonor.
That you're doing it on yourown.
That's just.
The show of the.
The failure of society tosupport its mothers.
Right.
Like it takes a village that isone of the truest.
Idioms the truest statements,the truest expressions.
(25:35):
That I think there is about.
Parenting like it takes avillage.
And if you're doing it.
It without a village, don't getme wrong.
You're amazing.
You're strong.
Your independence is unmatched.
Right, but that.
Is.
That takes a toll.
And for me, especially, it takesa major.
(25:58):
I can't.
I don't care to do that.
I cannot.
I do that.
I refuse to do that.
And so if you resonate.
Nate with that.
My space is for you.
Especially because you'reallowed to be soft.
You're allowed.
To need support.
You're allowed to want supportas a mom.
Period.
(26:19):
And if.
Anyone questions that they can.
Go be by themselves.
With their kids, right?
Like you go do that.
It can mind their business andyou can mind Yours.
Right.
Like at the end of the day, youhave to do what's.
Best for you so that you can dowhat's best for your kids.
And if what's best for you.
Is to.
(26:39):
Lift the soft girl life andcreate a life.
That you can live the soft growlife as a single mom.
Do it.
Like, why not?
You know, Alright, so thank youso much.
And that was a bit of a tangent.
I've had to go there sooner, butI didn't want to end this saga.
Have, you know, my story withoutmentioning that.
(27:02):
So thank.
You so much for tuning in onceagain, this episode was All
about transformation orrediscovery and you know, the
soft grow life.
And about realizing that even inthe hardest moments we have the
power to rebuild.
uBuild and even in ourrebuilding.
If that gets knocked down, youhave.
The power to rebuild again.
And so I hope my journeyinspires you.
(27:22):
You to start thinking about yourown glow up.
And remember whether you're.
You're just starting out oryou're deep in your
transformation.
You've.
Got this.
Okay.
Don't forget to subscribe.
Crime.
And leave a review of today'sepisode resonated with you.
And I.
We'll catch you in the next one.
Bye.
Bye.
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