November 18, 2024 • 43 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Becoming a mom changeseverything.
But you shouldn't let it eraseyou.
Welcome.
Welcome to the single mom glowup the podcast.
That's where we're spilling allthe tea on single motherhood,
self care.
And dating.
I'm Bree, Bree, your host andfellow single mom.
Navigating life love andeverything in between.
(00:23):
Wherever you are on your singlemom journey.
This is the place where you'llfind real stories, honest advice
and a community that just getsit.
So grab your favorite drink, getcomfy and let's dive into some.
Juicy conversations that willinspire, empower, and.
Keep it all the way.
Real.
(00:44):
Let's get into it today.
So.
In case you didn't read thetitle because you were just so
excited.
To listen to the podcast.
I get it.
Today we're talking about.
The importance of rediscoveringyour identity outside of
motherhood.
Right.
It in those.
Oh, gosh, it's different foreveryone, right.
(01:05):
But.
Recent studies.
Or showing that for the firsttwo years postpartum, like your
life, belongs to your child.
And.
That is a necessary transition.
It is.
Initiation into motherhood.
But at a certain point.
You are meant to come out of it.
You were meant to.
(01:26):
Make.
You're way back to the personthat you are and the person
that.
You are as a mother.
Right.
And a lot of times we get stuck.
In being a mother 24 7.
And that takes a toll.
It definitely takes a toll.
So that's what we're going to.
We talking about.
Day, And.
You know, this, this one's nearand dear to my heart because
(01:48):
there was.
I didn't realize right.
If you're listening, maybeyou're just like, oh, I'm not
quick.
I didn't realize.
How.
How big of a key it was todifferentiate.
Myself as a mother versusdifferentiate myself.
As a person.
(02:08):
Until I was sobbing.
To my grandmother on the phone.
And she was like, What.
I can't remember exactly howshe.
He asked it, but she was like,what did you, what have you
done?
What?
No.
She said, what do you have inyour life right now?
That.
Brings you joy.
That's just for you.
(02:30):
And it.
Made me cry harder because Icouldn't think of an answer.
The answer was nothing.
My life belonged to.
My daughter and my son.
A hundred.
Hundred percent.
And anytime that I did have tomyself.
It was which.
Back then I really didn't haveany time to myself.
(02:51):
But anytime that I did have tomyself was spent.
Lamenting.
About being a single mom about.
Life not turning out the waythat I thought it was.
You.
Wallowing and shame, wallowingand.
I guess self hate.
(03:13):
It wasn't like a loud.
Aloud and, you know, you're aterrible person kind of self
hate.
It was.
A.
Very.
Quiet.
Not taking care of myself, kindof self.
Maybe, maybe more of a selfneglect than a self hate.
Yes.
So this is near and dear to myheart because.
(03:34):
That conversation.
Cracked me open it.
Made me start to learn how toprioritize myself.
Self.
That was a solid five years agoand I didn't.
Didn't necessarily learn how todo that just immediately from
that, it was definitely.
A journey.
But that was the start of it.
(03:55):
So.
You know, if you're like me and.
Do you want to know, like where.
And what an obviously I'll havethis.
Outlined in the description, butwe're first going to talk about
why your identity outside.
Of motherhood matters.
We're going to talk about somecommon challenges.
Is to rediscovering youridentity.
We're gonna go.
Through the actual steps torediscovering your identity.
(04:16):
These are steps that I use.
Too.
I reconnect with myself, whichis funny.
Funny that I keep sayingreconnect because.
Motherhood does change you.
So the person that I reconnectedwith wasn't exactly.
The same person who I was beforeI became a mother, which.
For me, it was a very starkdifference because I was
(04:38):
literally.
Literally 19 years old.
I became a mother.
And didn't actually start doing.
This until I was about 24, 23,20.
For.
So a lot of just developmentalgrowth.
Happens during that time period,that changes you a lot as a
person, usually.
Would that frontal lobe stilldeveloping?
(05:00):
But.
Yeah.
So that being said, we'll gointo what your.
Our rediscovered identity lookslike an everyday life so that
you can have a picture of.
What your goal will be and notto say, oh, I want to rediscover
my identity.
And then.
Not know what that's going tolook like, like know where
you're going to know what itlooks like and to know.
If maybe you're already on thispath, whether you're on the
(05:21):
right track.
Okay.
So let's get right into.
It because if you've beenlistening to the other episodes,
I get off.
The topic.
That's why I haven't outlined inthe first place.
If you see me looking down.
I am.
Reading.
From my outline that I wrote.
Okay.
So motherhood.
(05:42):
Good is only one part of whoyou.
R it's beautiful.
It is significant.
But it, sorry.
But it is not.
All.
Of who you are.
You are not.
Just.
A mother.
(06:03):
You are so much more.
Okay.
It also benefits I'm going toput.
My therapist hat on for asecond.
It benefits your mental.
Ental health.
Okay.
I did experience postpartumdepression.
And postpartum anxiety.
(06:24):
benefit.
Your mental health to have anidentity outside of your
motherhood.
Right.
Now I remember.
There was recently.
A.
I.
I saw someone on one of mythreads.
Who was saying how her oldest ismoving.
Out.
Her youngest the last of herchildren is moving out.
(06:45):
And she has no idea.
What she's going.
Going to do.
And how she's like.
She's dreading it.
As a single mom, she's dreading.
Her kids not being around, goingoff to college and not.
It and it just being heard andit's like, well, yeah, of course
you dread it.
You spent the last.
18 years ignoring yourself.
(07:09):
Right.
And so if you don't know who youare, if you don't have a life or
even an identity outside ofbeing a mother.
Those things are terrifying.
If you are hating other, ifyou're sending your kids to
someone who you know, isirresponsible and neglecting
them, but you don't really havea choice.
Because the courts.
Ignored.
I'm about to say, but if you'resending your kids.
(07:30):
To their dad's every otherweekend.
And you're like, oh my gosh, Imissed him.
So.
Much like I'm sobbing causethey're gone.
And the.
You don't.
Have an identity outside ofmotherhood.
And I'm not saying that to shameyou or anything like that.
I'm saying it because it's true.
Like if you had an identity.
Outside of motherhood, you wouldbe able to just let go for
those.
Two nights.
(07:50):
And be like, oh my gosh.
I have time to do all the thingsthat I want to do, but if your
life revolves around, Aroundyour kids.
Even though it doesn't need torevolve around your kids.
Kids.
That's.
And an indicator that you're.
Your identity outside of yourmotherhood matters.
Right.
There also shows you the benefitto your mental health.
(08:12):
Right.
If you have an identity outsideof motherhood, when.
When your kids are gone, youknow, some people have 50, 50,
some people have whatever.
Whatever the two weeks.
I'm not a math girly.
Whatever the two weekend.
A month thing is, um, If you're.
Like me, you don't have any ofthat.
But, you know, or, you know, ifyou're also like me a few.
(08:34):
Years ago they would go staywith a parent out of state.
For a few weeks, maybe a month.
And you know, that is like, ohmy gosh, what do I do for a
month?
And I've experienced both,right.
I've experienced not having an.
Identity outside of motherhoodwhere I'm like, Oh, my gosh,
this has been the worst threeweeks of my life.
I'm moping around.
(08:55):
I'm crying all the time.
I'm just like depressed.
Rest without them there, becauseit's like, what is my purpose?
Outside of providing for themand being there for them.
but the more.
Recent times that they have gonefor a few weeks.
Two a month.
I'm like, Now, sending them off.
(09:16):
You know, Of course, it's goingto be a little bit sad, but
just.
Once they're there and they'resafe.
I'm like, yo.
Yeah.
Like I can.
I'm I'm me.
I'm free to just be me.
Actually.
I feel like that a little bit.
When they go to school now, theyweren't school-aged when it was
going on.
So I always had my son.
(09:36):
But.
That freedom to be yourself.
If you don't have a self to be.
B then.
It doesn't feel like freedom.
But when you.
I have a self to be.
And you.
Have that space from your kids.
It's just like so muchexcitement.
And I want that for you, if youwant it for yourself.
(09:57):
All right.
Modeling for your children.
This is the big thing.
I talk about this a lot.
Because there's this.
Extra pressure on single moms tobe perfect.
But perfect is different toeveryone.
And there's.
Nothing that you can necessarilydo to be perfect.
One as a mother in general.
But to.
(10:18):
If someone is hating on you.
For being a single mom, there'snothing that you could say or do
that's going to change our mind.
'cause, they're not reallyhating on you specifically, or
even single moms as a thing.
They're most likely hating on aspecific person.
In their life.
Anyway.
Who you need to be thinking.
Of and who you are thinking of.
I know you're thinking of them,but maybe a bit of a mind.
(10:40):
Mind set shift for some, if not,all of you.
Is modeling for your kids.
They are going to benefit fromseeing you as a whole person.
Some of them with passions,hobbies, dreams, your own
identity.
And the boundaries to maintainthose things so that they can be
(11:01):
someone.
Like that.
Right.
But if they see you.
Consistently.
Going against your ownboundaries.
Aries, not having anything to doleaning on.
On them for emotional support.
And.
Just overall.
Only being a mom to them.
They don't get to see what itlooks like to be a full
(11:21):
individual.
Right.
They only see you as.
Their mother.
And if it is having a negativeimpact on your mental health to.
To be that and all of that.
And only that, I mean, Thenthat's what they see.
And that's not, you know, like Isaid, I'm not sitting here like
shaming and being like, youshouldn't be depressed about
this.
No.
Like if you're depressed, Itmakes sense.
(11:43):
Like being a single mom is noteasy.
Okay.
But.
Moving.
Towards building up your ownidentity can help you step out
of that and help.
Model something different forthem in the longterm.
Piece by piece, not all at.
Once.
Okay.
You already have enough on yourplate.
And then finally long-term.
Fulfillment.
And this is what I was kind ofgetting at with that example of
(12:03):
the.
Mom, whose kids are now off tocollege.
Rediscovering your identityhelps you avoid any resentment.
Any guilt and then feeling lostor super lonely as your kids.
Kids grow older and becomeindependent.
Right.
Like you.
Our whole person.
Yes, you're a mother, but you'rea whole person as well.
(12:24):
And so.
It matters.
You, you have.
You have to, you have.
I don't even like to say that topeople, especially my.
Uh, demand avoidance self.
But you have to, you.
You have to build your identity.
All right.
So.
So what are some commonchallenges, right?
Because I'm sitting here talkingabout.
(12:44):
Why it matters.
Right.
But we.
We need to get into thechallenges a so that you can
notice if you have this specifictown.
So you can overcome it.
common challenges, mom, guilt,feeling selfish for wanting.
Time for yourself.
Raise your hand.
If you have ever experienced.
Mom guilt, but don't do.
It too fast because it willcause a ripple effect.
(13:06):
Basically, there's so manypeople who experience.
I think most, if not all moms.
Experience some form of momguilt.
And sometimes that mom guilt canbe stronger and more pervasive
as a single mom.
'cause it's just, you.
And there's a lot more pressure.
If it's just, you.
(13:27):
And so wanting time for.
For yourself as a single mom.
Feels.
Worse than if you have apartner.
To kind of.
Give the responsibility.
The two, because they very muchdid help you make that kid.
Or, you know, if they stepped.
In.
They've assumed someresponsibility.
(13:47):
So that is a big one.
Right.
And I always.
I always say.
Leave mom guilt at the door.
Throw.
It out, like if you are honestlytrying to level up and glow up
as a single.
Mom, you have to, you just haveto leave the mom guilt.
And the best way that I do it isto remind.
I find myself that one, momguilt.
(14:09):
Usually is not.
Not.
How I feel about motherhood or.
Actually, it's not true.
It's someone.
Else's projections of whatmotherhood should be and that
someone else.
It's just usually.
Spouting.
The same, like traditional,traditional like toxic.
(14:32):
Patriarchal way of viewingmotherhood.
And it's like, who are you?
Touting this.
White male, white CIS male wayof thinking of things.
Thinking of things and motherhad.
What that has nothing to do withyou?
Shut up basically, basically,mom.
Mom guilt.
Shut up.
I don't have anything to feel.
(14:53):
Guilty about I'm here on doingthe damn thing every single day.
To the best of my ability.
Therefore.
To help me be able to do that.
I have to take care of myself.
Right.
I have to have my own identityto take care of myself.
(15:13):
I have been, know who I amoutside of being a mother, so I
can step away from being amother.
The same way you have a job.
You can't do that job 24.
Seven.
And still be good at it.
You can't like you have to leavework.
There are laws around that.
There aren't laws around.
Around mothering.
Right.
But.
If you tried to get your nannyto nanny 24 7.
(15:36):
And not pay them.
Six figures.
You're going to have a reallyhard time finding a nanny.
Right.
Because it is a job.
It is.
Work.
It requires.
Have you.
And so you have to take time to.
Establish your identity to knowhow to take care of yourself.
(15:57):
Right.
Societal pressure.
There is an unseen.
Unspoken expectation for moms.
Especially single moms toprioritize motherhood over
everything.
But there's also the piece of ifyou are working.
You're also somehow expected tobe able to work and to not have
(16:18):
to take time off and.
All of that stuff.
Right.
So.
You can challenge this notion.
And.
Be a multi-dimensional mother.
Right.
I mean, you are that already.
You're already doing that.
So you can shift it a bit.
For yourself for your ownbenefits.
(16:40):
It's okay to do things for yourown benefit.
To rediscover your identity andactually level up.
It seems.
Counterintuitive.
If you are.
Subscribing to mom.
And guilt if you're subscribingto societal pressure and some of
the other challenges.
To lean into taking care ofyourself.
And learning about yourself andprioritizing yourself.
(17:05):
But doing those things will makeyou a better mother.
Time constraints.
It's really hard to have youtime, right?
Like, As a single mom,especially if you're doing it
all on your own and have 0, 0, 0support.
It can be really hard to carveout your own time.
Um, I do have.
Um, I mean, just, you know, ifyou don't already.
Follow me on Instagram and tick,mainly take talk.
(17:27):
Don't follow me on Instagram.
Well me on Tik TOK and threads.
And I post.
A lot of tips about liketime-saving and all, you know,
how to take care of yourself.
And how to.
Infuse things into what you'realready doing.
Doing to improve your quality oflife when you don't have time.
Fear of judgment.
This is a big one, right?
(17:48):
Fear of judgment.
Oh, my gosh.
So, depending on when you're.
Hearing this it is now November,2024.
In the.
It was around November 20, 22,but it actually started.
In October, 2020.
Two.
Two years ago.
Aye.
(18:08):
Shared a post.
Post that went viral onInstagram.
Ana.
And.
I thought that that was exactlywhat I wanted, but it was a
very.
It went viral because it wasvery relatable.
For a lot of single moms.
But it was also something.
Thing that people.
Who aren't single moms.
(18:29):
And or who hates single moms.
Could easily project.
Reject their hate on too.
And so I got.
I think I got.
At 2 million view.
I had like random peoplecommenting.
I had celebs.
Celebrities commenting.
And liking.
And sharing and it just keptblowing up and blowing.
(18:50):
I mean, even, I just got a likeon.
On it today and it was two yearsago.
So anyway.
That.
Judgment.
I was not.
Not expecting the level ofjudgment that.
That I got for simply sharing myfeelings about something.
That had happened.
(19:10):
In my life that a lot of othersingle.
Moms have had happened to themthat they also related to.
But there.
It was so much unnecessary, liketwisty turny, mental backflip
hate.
On it.
It.
And it shut me down.
I didn't really use.
I basically up until recently.
(19:32):
Didn't.
Didn't use Instagram heavilysince I tried to go with the
momentum maybe before.
For a couple more weeks, butonce it really hit for me, like,
That judgment.
I was just like, I can't even, Icouldn't think of things to
post.
I couldn't like it created thishuge creative block for awhile.
And so I had to let go of thefear of judgment.
(19:52):
And what helped me do that wasthings happening in my personal
life.
With.
You know, family.
Family.
Like extended family and, friendgroup.
Kind of dissolving, It wasnothing that I did that was
while they're out.
The pocket, I just setboundaries.
And then, you know, people whodon't like you setting
(20:15):
boundaries.
Trees show themselves.
And so that's what happened.
And when that happened with thesame grandmother.
Mother who gave me that greatadvice, right?
Like she gave me that greatadvice.
And, you know, Something not sogreat happened.
A while later.
People are complicated.
It is what it.
(20:35):
It is.
I don't even, you know,sometimes you just got to set
boundaries with people and.
I love them from a distance.
And so that's what I chose todo.
Because it's like, You hurt.
Me, you didn't apologize, but.
I'm not going to subject myselfto that anymore.
But it doesn't make me.
We love you any less.
(20:57):
Like, I still love her verymuch.
It wasn't an.
Easy decision, but I'm alsovery, uh, somewhat about myself.
And so basically from thosethings, I was afraid of being
labeled.
Labeled as a bad mom orneglectful or.
You know, Not just whatever,right?
(21:20):
In the case of the thing with.
The extended family.
It was more so that.
I was afraid of being seennegatively for something.
That wasn't.
Negative.
But like still being perceivedthat way.
So.
The point is.
(21:43):
I encourage you to let go ofoutside opinions.
And focus on what you.
And your kids need the most,which is joyful and authentic.
Love.
And if you're afraid.
Afraid of judgment.
From others.
(22:03):
That don't really like, are theyraising your kids?
Because if they're not theirjudgment, doesn't matter.
But that doesn't take the fearaway per se, until you, unless.
Yes, you work on it anyway.
All right.
Let's get into these practicalsteps of rediscovering your
identity.
Okay.
Revisit the things that.
You liked in the past oldhobbies or interests?
(22:25):
Passenger you had before youwere a mom, what did you enjoy?
That brought you joy orfulfillment, however small.
It could be small.
Things, it could be big things.
One.
Thing for me was tennis.
Something that I've always,always, always wanted to get
back.
Into, for some reason, I find itdifficult to.
Do cardio.
I actually did get back intotennis.
(22:48):
Two years ago and.
It was so great.
Oh my gosh.
It was so lovely.
And it was like wonderful.
Wonderful to see how my body, mymuscles remembered how to do
things.
But.
When I got home.
Home.
Or on the way home, it was like,my body was buzzing.
I was so much energy.
(23:10):
That it made.
Made me feel panicky.
And I was like, I could push.
Through this, I could go backinto tennis a few more times and
see if this is just Like aone-time thing, a two time
thing, a three time thing or aforever thing.
But I didn't, because I didn'thave the bandwidth to.
That was a time where I wasworking from home as a
therapist.
(23:30):
Mist and.
The kids were home all summerand.
My partner at the time wasworking.
long hours and.
I was at home with two kids in apuppy.
All day.
Cause they weren't in camp oranything like that.
And it was.
I was balancing working and itwas also baking.
(23:52):
Thing and like doing shows onthe weekends.
It was just so much, I didn't.
Have the bandwidth to like, seeif tennis could fit.
But.
That gets me to the other thing.
Baking and it turned.
Into something way bigger thanjust baking as a hobby.
Funnily enough.
But that's something that I'vealways loved.
I still love it.
(24:12):
And.
Even when I talk about baking,it's like, My whole spirit
lights up because I just loveit.
So much.
And so I revisited that and thatturned into a whole side
business, because I ended upselling it because people were
just like, so good.
He should sell it.
And so I tried it.
And suddenly it was so fun.
Until.
(24:33):
Life circumstances changed.
And so.
So I don't have access to.
Being able to sell it right now.
Now which sucks, but.
Revisiting those past thingsI've been baking since I was 13.
And playing.
Playing tennis.
Since I was 10, I played from 10to 18.
And then baking, I've done onand off, but.
(24:54):
Basically stopped when I hadkids for awhile.
So revisiting those past things.
And then if you don't have thosethings, Things or if everything
ends up like tennis for you.
You can explore new passions.
Okay.
Be open to discovering.
New things, things that.
You've always wanted to try, butnever really.
Really tried, maybe that's danceclasses.
(25:15):
Getting into reading or plannedparenthood.
Even maybe solo.
Solo travel, especially ifyou're like a 50, 50, custody
schedule kind of girly.
Rediscovery.
It isn't always about goingback.
And I kind of alluded to this atthe beginning, especially if
you've changed a lot as a personin general and just haven't
realized it yet.
Sometimes it's about.
(25:36):
Finding.
Out who you are now, as opposedto going back to who you used.
To be.
Okay.
And then set small goals.
Goals, micro goals, especiallyif you are, neurodivergent like.
MI.
Or just otherwise need things tobe bite-sized.
Maybe your life is super busyand making big changes.
Takes.
(25:57):
Too much out of the things thatare a priority for you.
Although you should be yourpriority.
As well.
But setting small goals forpersonal development, choosing
one area.
At a time where that's yourhealth?
What about your career?
You know, pursuing the careerthat you actually want to be in,
whether that's, you know, goingfor.
For new schooling or moreschooling or initial schooling.
(26:19):
Or whether that's creativeprojects.
And then set SMA.
Small achievable goals.
Not just to reach.
The goals, which that is part ofit, but to fuel your sense of
self.
So you want to make sure thatthe goals are small enough that
you.
Reach them.
And not that they're so big thatyou can't.
Reach them because that's onlygoing to discourage you further.
(26:42):
That's going to.
To make your confidence, take ahit.
And you don't need that.
Right now when you're literallyjust.
Trying to, Connect with youridentity as a single mom.
Okay.
And then this one is major.
If I haven't said it enough.
Self care and boundaries.
Okay.
It is.
Is incredibly important for youto, uh, to carve out time for
(27:05):
self.
Self-reflection.
Whether that's journaling.
Meditation.
dancing, which is my new fav.
Anything that allows for selfgrowth?
Emphasis on self.
It is incredibly.
Important to carve out time forthat, especially with your
identity, right?
How are you going?
To rediscover yourself.
If you're not spending time withyourself.
I'll put it this way.
(27:26):
If you were dating someone, howare you going to get to know
them?
If you don't get.
To know them.
You have to spend time withthem.
You have to observe.
Observe them, you have to.
Do things with.
Them.
It's the same thing with gettingto know.
Yourself and with getting toknow your identity now outside
of.
Motherhood.
(27:46):
You have to spend time withyourself.
If you don't like me sayingthat.
That means you don't likeyourself.
I used to also not like myself,but it just means it's going to
be a little bit.
Harder for.
You.
I would encourage you to figureout what parts of yourself.
That you like work with those.
And then figure out what partsof yourself.
You don't like.
And work with those and work oneither liking.
(28:09):
Them.
Changing them.
Depending on what they are.
But I would work on liking themmore so than changing them.
And then finally connect withlike minded.
Communities.
Finding single mom communitiesfollowing.
Me on Tech-Talk following.
Me on threads, especially.
If you're looking for community,follow me on threads.
(28:31):
And then any other women focusgroups or local.
The local groups.
There's this amazing Facebookgroup.
That I've been in the entiresingle mom journey.
But it's local to my area.
I'm in the DMV and it's for DMV.
Single moms and it is just.
Wonderful.
If you.
Can find your version of that.
In your area or even create aversion of that.
(28:53):
If it doesn't exist in yourarea.
It is a game changer.
Share.
If you create something.
Like that on Facebook, it mighttake a few years to get to the
level of the one that I'm in.
But it'll be worth it and you'llbe a single mom.
In some capacity, maybe you'llgrow into like a solo mom or,
you know, co-parenting mom or,you know, A blended family,
whatever.
(29:15):
But it'll still grow.
In that time.
But the goal in that is to feelsupported, to exchange.
Change ideas and gaininspiration with people who get
it.
Right.
How many times are you shoutedinto the internet?
Uh, BIS or seen other singlemoms shout into the internet of
this.
About.
Single motherhood.
And the people who respond.
(29:37):
Aren't single moms and they'rejust hating and you're like, you
don't even get it.
Like, why are you hating?
But that's what happened.
Happens.
Right.
And so to find spaces.
where you can.
Go through this.
Kind of clumsy journey ofreconnecting with your identity
outside.
Of motherhood.
But they also get what it meansto do that, or they're on.
(30:00):
That same journey themselves.
Game changer, game changer.
I actually also have a textmembership.
I'll talk about that a bit moreat the end.
So you start doing those steps,right?
You revisit your past interestand see what still works for.
And you explore new passionsand, you know, what's the
expression.
(30:20):
You fill it out.
You've got some of these hobbiesand interests.
All of these hobbies andinterests, some are old, some
are new.
And then.
When you set small goals forpersonal development, like with
the tennis thing.
Right.
What made me take so long to getstarted with it?
Despite wanting to do itbasically the whole time I was a
(30:41):
mother.
I told myself, okay, if I dotennis and I'm going.
I have to sign up for likelessons or some type of team,
and that's a commitment.
That's like at least a weeklycommitment.
I didn't have.
That.
Right.
I told myself, oh, maybe I couldplay here or there with like
some of.
My old tennis buddies.
And then I was like, Well, Idon't know their schedule.
(31:02):
So, you know, I kind of didthat.
That thing, right.
And setting those small goals.
So I just.
Set a goal to just go see.
And so the place that I had had.
This tennis assessment, they goby the I'm not going to talk
about it.
That tennis.
Jargon.
And.
So I was just like, let me justgo see, and I'll just sit on it
(31:23):
for a while.
And I did that and.
And, you know, ultimately Ichose not to move forward with
it.
But that was.
A small goal.
That was something I could do.
That was small.
That.
Allowed me to do it, which builtmy confidence.
Right.
Even.
Though it didn't work out.
My confidence was still built.
I'm like, I was so glad that Idid.
That for myself, even if itdidn't go, how I thought it
(31:44):
would or how I wanted.
It too.
Okay.
And then practicing self careand boundaries.
I talked about the self carepiece.
I didn't talk about theboundaries.
Um, but that's a big piece too,knowing when to say no, knowing
how to say no.
No knowing when to say, can Iget back to you on that?
Because you don't know if youwant to say yes or no.
(32:04):
That was a game changer for me.
In fact.
I need to use it today.
And then finally connecting withlike-minded communities.
So if you start doing.
Doing those things.
Here's how you know that youwill have started or you.
You know, been connecting withyour identity in every day life.
One, you're going to feel moreconfidence and you're going to
(32:26):
feel more resilience.
Right.
When you know who you are,you're more grounded.
You're more confident you'remore secure.
And it's easier to bounce backfrom a setback.
I remember those early singlemotherhood setbacks.
Oh.
My gosh.
And things hurt and they would.
Hurt for days, or if they didn'thurt for days, I would take them
(32:48):
out on the people around me,which wasn't fair to them
because it's not their faultthat my kid's dad was not.
Being good to them and to me asa mother who.
Who he, of his children, who hecreated the children with
anyway.
So you will have more confidenceand resilience, right?
(33:08):
You'll have improvedrelationships.
Okay.
There.
Can be a bit of codependency.
I'm saying this very gently.
If you can't see my face.
There can be a bit ofcodependency.
When.
Your entire identity is.
(33:28):
Steeped in motherhood.
And then there can also be theflip side, but what.
I usually see more often in whatif you are.
Into the things that I say, whatyou're most likely dealing with
is.
As codependency in the sense oflike, And you're so used.
To giving of yourself.
At your own expense.
(33:48):
Spence that you probably aren'teven realizing the extent to
which you are giving.
At your own expense.
You desperately want someoneelse?
To do for.
For you.
What you do for your kids?
But also.
Likely other people in yourlife.
Whether it's bending overbackwards for the career.
(34:09):
Bending over backwards for thepeople you, they.
Who probably tend to be moreavoidant.
Um, Or just bending overbackwards for friends, for
family.
Especially if you were the firstborn daughter in many cases,
And.
That can.
Become your identity, right?
If you've always been the momfriend, if you've always.
(34:31):
Been the caretaker andmotherhood is just you now
doing.
That for your actual children,but.
You've been doing.
This for people, your whole lifein some way.
You're probably very.
Disconnected from your ownidentity.
And that creates a certaincodependency.
So.
And codependency codependency isnot good for your relationships.
(34:55):
The same way that narcissism isnot good for your relationship.
It's just that the drivingfactor behind both is opposite.
But so when you haverediscovered, Discovered your
identity on some level, it willresult in improved
relationships, especially if youget into the self care and the
boundaries, which is why Ipushed those so hard.
(35:16):
So you'll have a stronger senseof self, which will allow for
healthier, more fulfilling, moreauthentic.
Relationships with family,friends and partners, because
that could have been tocodependency leads to resentment
and resentment is like, Aterrible, terrible.
Blight.
(35:37):
On relationships, especially.
Unspoken resentment.
Another way you can tell isyou'll just have a different, A
better sense of happiness andinner peace.
You'll.
You'll know that you're morethan a mom.
And that will give youpermission.
To find joy and peace in yourdaily life with your kids.
Right.
And without your kids.
(36:00):
Because one day you will bewithout your kids on some level,
whether it's, you know, They maymove across the country or
across the world.
But like if that's what theywant and that's.
It's where life takes them,then.
It's their life.
Your kids.
Okay.
They will thrive.
When they see you thriving whenthey see you happy, when they
(36:21):
see you.
Being your authentic self.
Your kids will thrive.
How many times?
Your kids pick up on yourenergy.
And whether or not you canbelieve in energy.
Which if you're here, youprobably do.
Your kids will pick up on yourenergy if.
Your energy is very over-givingand you're kind of a bit of a
(36:45):
martyr or something like.
That super codependent.
Your kids will pick up on thatand they'll either mirror that.
Or it will.
Repel and.
Repulse them so deeply that theywill grow into the opposite.
What is.
The opposite of codependent.
It's usually something.
More on the narcissistic side ofthings.
(37:08):
Not narcissistic as apersonality disorder and
narcissistic as a personality.
Trait.
And so.
If you don't want.
Your kids to either be goingthrough what you're going
through and.
Model the behavior of not havingan identity and being the
caretaker.
Person all the time.
Or.
To go on the other side ofthings and to be a narcissist.
(37:32):
Like I said, not personalitydisorder, but personality trait.
Creates and become the kind ofperson that you want your kids
to be.
Which.
Be happy, fulfilled andauthentic as you.
Rediscover your identity.
Okay.
Oh, right.
Right.
Closing thoughts.
First of all, thank you for.
Being here for listening, etcetera.
(37:54):
And I just want.
To one.
Before I get into myencouragement.
Cause you know, I am heavy on.
On the encouragement and I'm aheavy on the love.
But.
Before that I want to say it'ssuper important.
Just.
Like I said, I don't be bossingpeople around, but if there's
one thing.
(38:14):
I'm getting, if you're seeing,if you're watching the video,
I'm getting like physicallyuncomfortable.
Trying to contain this.
If there is a one.
Thing.
That you do.
Change about your life as asingle mom.
It is at.
At least connecting with youridentity.
You can just never listen tothis.
This podcast never listened toanything else that I ever say
(38:37):
ever.
You were to do one thing.
Not even as a single mom.
If you're, if you happen to belike, married mom or even just.
Someone who identifies withthat?
Oh my gosh.
I'm a mom friend.
I've been the mom friend.
My whole life and I've beentaking care of my family, my
whole life.
Please.
Please.
Please.
(38:58):
Connect.
With your identity.
Just do it.
Just do it.
So I want you to take the firststep.
Whether that is.
Making a list of the things thatyou either want to try for the
first time or revisit.
Yeah, I would say start there.
(39:18):
And then also the communitypiece.
I think that's.
QI.
And so that's where I'm going toget into talking about the
single mom sanctuary.
If you are looking for dailyencouragement.
Self care reminders and acommunity.
That gets you overall.
I want you to consider joiningthe single mom sanctuary.
Actuary.
(39:39):
It is literally 10 bucks amonth.
I'm keeping it super.
Accessibly priced.
Because, you know, as a singlemom, I've been there.
I get it like.
In a lot of free money goingaround.
Depending on where you are onyour journey, you know, you.
I have a lot of money, but a lotof us don't and I don't want
that to be the.
Reason that you're not getting.
(40:00):
Like this research.
A resource, like I made this foryou.
So if.
If that's something that you'reinterested in.
Definitely, definitely looking.
Look in the description.
Um, I'll have the link there andthen we can do.
To support each other andfinding our joy and purpose
outside of motherhood.
It's my way.
Way of pouring into you.
(40:22):
Everything that one.
I wish I.
Had poured into me.
Um, but more than that, That.
I have a friend who didn'tnecessarily make.
Make it on her single motherhoodjourney.
That's a story for another day.
But because she didn't.
Make it.
I have all this love and griefit's grief, but grief is just a
(40:45):
love.
That you are unable to give.
Right.
And so it's just been rattlingaround in my body.
For years.
And so I pour that into the textmessages as well.
Just the outpouring of love andthe things that.
The love that I have.
I have to give that I can't giveto her anymore.
So that all goes.
Into those texts to their superloving.
(41:07):
Um, and then also if for.
For no other reason, but to haveyour phone popping off like
this, getting messages here.
Are there.
Single mother can be reallylonely, especially if you know,
You're resonating with a lot ofthe things that I've said today.
And.
You know, all your time does goto your kids.
So you may not necessarily havefriends.
You.
May not necessarily be evendating anyone or on the dating
(41:27):
apps, which I don't mind.
I don't, I don't mind you.
I don't.
I forgot the expression.
I get it.
It's what I'm trying to say.
And so.
Definitely.
Definitely.
If that resonates and you'relike, Dang.
I am kind of lonely.
(41:48):
Sign up.
And there's nothing wrong withthat willingness.
I have experienced thatloneliness many times.
On my journey.
So, you know, the resources.
Resources there.
Why not use it?
And why not use it as a steptowards rediscovering?
Bring your identity as well.
And taking care of.
Yourself, because you deserveit.
Like, if you don't deserve$10 amonth.
(42:10):
I think you deserve$10 a month.
Like that's.
You're with your worth.
Worth way more.
Spending way more.
On yourself and$10 a month.
So.
That being said, thank you somuch for listening once.
Again, friendly reminder, takeone step this week towards
(42:32):
something that.
That you love or rediscoveringthings that you.
You love, like if you're, ifnothing comes to mind, take some
time to.
Find something that gives evenjust a little bit just to.
Teensy spark of joy.
No guilt.
No apologies.
Okay.
(42:52):
And make sure you follow.
Share this podcast with a singlemom friend.
Who you think would resonate?
And feel free to leave a reviewif you found.
And the episode helpful orunhelpful, You.
Talking about fear of rejection.
I don't really have it anymore.
So.
And then once again, if you feelcalled to join the.
The single home sanctuary, thelink will be in the description.
(43:16):
And yeah.
Thank you so much for your timefor.
Your energy.
Yeah.
Becoming a mom changeseverything.
But you shouldn't let it eraseyou.
Welcome.
Welcome to the single mom glowup the podcast.
That's where we're spilling allthe tea on single motherhood,
self care.
And dating.
I'm Bree, Bree, your host andfellow single mom.
Navigating life love andeverything in between.
(00:23):
Wherever you are on your singlemom journey.
This is the place where you'llfind real stories, honest advice
and a community that just getsit.
So grab your favorite drink, getcomfy and let's dive into some.
Juicy conversations that willinspire, empower, and.
Keep it all the way.
Real.
(00:44):
Let's get into it today.
So.
In case you didn't read thetitle because you were just so
excited.
To listen to the podcast.
I get it.
Today we're talking about.
The importance of rediscoveringyour identity outside of
motherhood.
Right.
It in those.
Oh, gosh, it's different foreveryone, right.
(01:05):
But.
Recent studies.
Or showing that for the firsttwo years postpartum, like your
life, belongs to your child.
And.
That is a necessary transition.
It is.
Initiation into motherhood.
But at a certain point.
You are meant to come out of it.
You were meant to.
(01:26):
Make.
You're way back to the personthat you are and the person
that.
You are as a mother.
Right.
And a lot of times we get stuck.
In being a mother 24 7.
And that takes a toll.
It definitely takes a toll.
So that's what we're going to.
We talking about.
Day, And.
You know, this, this one's nearand dear to my heart because
(01:48):
there was.
I didn't realize right.
If you're listening, maybeyou're just like, oh, I'm not
quick.
I didn't realize.
How.
How big of a key it was todifferentiate.
Myself as a mother versusdifferentiate myself.
As a person.
(02:08):
Until I was sobbing.
To my grandmother on the phone.
And she was like, What.
I can't remember exactly howshe.
He asked it, but she was like,what did you, what have you
done?
What?
No.
She said, what do you have inyour life right now?
That.
Brings you joy.
That's just for you.
(02:30):
And it.
Made me cry harder because Icouldn't think of an answer.
The answer was nothing.
My life belonged to.
My daughter and my son.
A hundred.
Hundred percent.
And anytime that I did have tomyself.
It was which.
Back then I really didn't haveany time to myself.
(02:51):
But anytime that I did have tomyself was spent.
Lamenting.
About being a single mom about.
Life not turning out the waythat I thought it was.
You.
Wallowing and shame, wallowingand.
I guess self hate.
(03:13):
It wasn't like a loud.
Aloud and, you know, you're aterrible person kind of self
hate.
It was.
A.
Very.
Quiet.
Not taking care of myself, kindof self.
Maybe, maybe more of a selfneglect than a self hate.
Yes.
So this is near and dear to myheart because.
(03:34):
That conversation.
Cracked me open it.
Made me start to learn how toprioritize myself.
Self.
That was a solid five years agoand I didn't.
Didn't necessarily learn how todo that just immediately from
that, it was definitely.
A journey.
But that was the start of it.
(03:55):
So.
You know, if you're like me and.
Do you want to know, like where.
And what an obviously I'll havethis.
Outlined in the description, butwe're first going to talk about
why your identity outside.
Of motherhood matters.
We're going to talk about somecommon challenges.
Is to rediscovering youridentity.
We're gonna go.
Through the actual steps torediscovering your identity.
(04:16):
These are steps that I use.
Too.
I reconnect with myself, whichis funny.
Funny that I keep sayingreconnect because.
Motherhood does change you.
So the person that I reconnectedwith wasn't exactly.
The same person who I was beforeI became a mother, which.
For me, it was a very starkdifference because I was
(04:38):
literally.
Literally 19 years old.
I became a mother.
And didn't actually start doing.
This until I was about 24, 23,20.
For.
So a lot of just developmentalgrowth.
Happens during that time period,that changes you a lot as a
person, usually.
Would that frontal lobe stilldeveloping?
(05:00):
But.
Yeah.
So that being said, we'll gointo what your.
Our rediscovered identity lookslike an everyday life so that
you can have a picture of.
What your goal will be and notto say, oh, I want to rediscover
my identity.
And then.
Not know what that's going tolook like, like know where
you're going to know what itlooks like and to know.
If maybe you're already on thispath, whether you're on the
(05:21):
right track.
Okay.
So let's get right into.
It because if you've beenlistening to the other episodes,
I get off.
The topic.
That's why I haven't outlined inthe first place.
If you see me looking down.
I am.
Reading.
From my outline that I wrote.
Okay.
So motherhood.
(05:42):
Good is only one part of whoyou.
R it's beautiful.
It is significant.
But it, sorry.
But it is not.
All.
Of who you are.
You are not.
Just.
A mother.
(06:03):
You are so much more.
Okay.
It also benefits I'm going toput.
My therapist hat on for asecond.
It benefits your mental.
Ental health.
Okay.
I did experience postpartumdepression.
And postpartum anxiety.
(06:24):
benefit.
Your mental health to have anidentity outside of your
motherhood.
Right.
Now I remember.
There was recently.
A.
I.
I saw someone on one of mythreads.
Who was saying how her oldest ismoving.
Out.
Her youngest the last of herchildren is moving out.
(06:45):
And she has no idea.
What she's going.
Going to do.
And how she's like.
She's dreading it.
As a single mom, she's dreading.
Her kids not being around, goingoff to college and not.
It and it just being heard andit's like, well, yeah, of course
you dread it.
You spent the last.
18 years ignoring yourself.
(07:09):
Right.
And so if you don't know who youare, if you don't have a life or
even an identity outside ofbeing a mother.
Those things are terrifying.
If you are hating other, ifyou're sending your kids to
someone who you know, isirresponsible and neglecting
them, but you don't really havea choice.
Because the courts.
Ignored.
I'm about to say, but if you'resending your kids.
(07:30):
To their dad's every otherweekend.
And you're like, oh my gosh, Imissed him.
So.
Much like I'm sobbing causethey're gone.
And the.
You don't.
Have an identity outside ofmotherhood.
And I'm not saying that to shameyou or anything like that.
I'm saying it because it's true.
Like if you had an identity.
Outside of motherhood, you wouldbe able to just let go for
those.
Two nights.
(07:50):
And be like, oh my gosh.
I have time to do all the thingsthat I want to do, but if your
life revolves around, Aroundyour kids.
Even though it doesn't need torevolve around your kids.
Kids.
That's.
And an indicator that you're.
Your identity outside of yourmotherhood matters.
Right.
There also shows you the benefitto your mental health.
(08:12):
Right.
If you have an identity outsideof motherhood, when.
When your kids are gone, youknow, some people have 50, 50,
some people have whatever.
Whatever the two weeks.
I'm not a math girly.
Whatever the two weekend.
A month thing is, um, If you're.
Like me, you don't have any ofthat.
But, you know, or, you know, ifyou're also like me a few.
(08:34):
Years ago they would go staywith a parent out of state.
For a few weeks, maybe a month.
And you know, that is like, ohmy gosh, what do I do for a
month?
And I've experienced both,right.
I've experienced not having an.
Identity outside of motherhoodwhere I'm like, Oh, my gosh,
this has been the worst threeweeks of my life.
I'm moping around.
(08:55):
I'm crying all the time.
I'm just like depressed.
Rest without them there, becauseit's like, what is my purpose?
Outside of providing for themand being there for them.
but the more.
Recent times that they have gonefor a few weeks.
Two a month.
I'm like, Now, sending them off.
(09:16):
You know, Of course, it's goingto be a little bit sad, but
just.
Once they're there and they'resafe.
I'm like, yo.
Yeah.
Like I can.
I'm I'm me.
I'm free to just be me.
Actually.
I feel like that a little bit.
When they go to school now, theyweren't school-aged when it was
going on.
So I always had my son.
(09:36):
But.
That freedom to be yourself.
If you don't have a self to be.
B then.
It doesn't feel like freedom.
But when you.
I have a self to be.
And you.
Have that space from your kids.
It's just like so muchexcitement.
And I want that for you, if youwant it for yourself.
(09:57):
All right.
Modeling for your children.
This is the big thing.
I talk about this a lot.
Because there's this.
Extra pressure on single moms tobe perfect.
But perfect is different toeveryone.
And there's.
Nothing that you can necessarilydo to be perfect.
One as a mother in general.
But to.
(10:18):
If someone is hating on you.
For being a single mom, there'snothing that you could say or do
that's going to change our mind.
'cause, they're not reallyhating on you specifically, or
even single moms as a thing.
They're most likely hating on aspecific person.
In their life.
Anyway.
Who you need to be thinking.
Of and who you are thinking of.
I know you're thinking of them,but maybe a bit of a mind.
(10:40):
Mind set shift for some, if not,all of you.
Is modeling for your kids.
They are going to benefit fromseeing you as a whole person.
Some of them with passions,hobbies, dreams, your own
identity.
And the boundaries to maintainthose things so that they can be
(11:01):
someone.
Like that.
Right.
But if they see you.
Consistently.
Going against your ownboundaries.
Aries, not having anything to doleaning on.
On them for emotional support.
And.
Just overall.
Only being a mom to them.
They don't get to see what itlooks like to be a full
(11:21):
individual.
Right.
They only see you as.
Their mother.
And if it is having a negativeimpact on your mental health to.
To be that and all of that.
And only that, I mean, Thenthat's what they see.
And that's not, you know, like Isaid, I'm not sitting here like
shaming and being like, youshouldn't be depressed about
this.
No.
Like if you're depressed, Itmakes sense.
(11:43):
Like being a single mom is noteasy.
Okay.
But.
Moving.
Towards building up your ownidentity can help you step out
of that and help.
Model something different forthem in the longterm.
Piece by piece, not all at.
Once.
Okay.
You already have enough on yourplate.
And then finally long-term.
Fulfillment.
And this is what I was kind ofgetting at with that example of
(12:03):
the.
Mom, whose kids are now off tocollege.
Rediscovering your identityhelps you avoid any resentment.
Any guilt and then feeling lostor super lonely as your kids.
Kids grow older and becomeindependent.
Right.
Like you.
Our whole person.
Yes, you're a mother, but you'rea whole person as well.
(12:24):
And so.
It matters.
You, you have.
You have to, you have.
I don't even like to say that topeople, especially my.
Uh, demand avoidance self.
But you have to, you.
You have to build your identity.
All right.
So.
So what are some commonchallenges, right?
Because I'm sitting here talkingabout.
(12:44):
Why it matters.
Right.
But we.
We need to get into thechallenges a so that you can
notice if you have this specifictown.
So you can overcome it.
common challenges, mom, guilt,feeling selfish for wanting.
Time for yourself.
Raise your hand.
If you have ever experienced.
Mom guilt, but don't do.
It too fast because it willcause a ripple effect.
(13:06):
Basically, there's so manypeople who experience.
I think most, if not all moms.
Experience some form of momguilt.
And sometimes that mom guilt canbe stronger and more pervasive
as a single mom.
'cause it's just, you.
And there's a lot more pressure.
If it's just, you.
(13:27):
And so wanting time for.
For yourself as a single mom.
Feels.
Worse than if you have apartner.
To kind of.
Give the responsibility.
The two, because they very muchdid help you make that kid.
Or, you know, if they stepped.
In.
They've assumed someresponsibility.
(13:47):
So that is a big one.
Right.
And I always.
I always say.
Leave mom guilt at the door.
Throw.
It out, like if you are honestlytrying to level up and glow up
as a single.
Mom, you have to, you just haveto leave the mom guilt.
And the best way that I do it isto remind.
I find myself that one, momguilt.
(14:09):
Usually is not.
Not.
How I feel about motherhood or.
Actually, it's not true.
It's someone.
Else's projections of whatmotherhood should be and that
someone else.
It's just usually.
Spouting.
The same, like traditional,traditional like toxic.
(14:32):
Patriarchal way of viewingmotherhood.
And it's like, who are you?
Touting this.
White male, white CIS male wayof thinking of things.
Thinking of things and motherhad.
What that has nothing to do withyou?
Shut up basically, basically,mom.
Mom guilt.
Shut up.
I don't have anything to feel.
(14:53):
Guilty about I'm here on doingthe damn thing every single day.
To the best of my ability.
Therefore.
To help me be able to do that.
I have to take care of myself.
Right.
I have to have my own identityto take care of myself.
(15:13):
I have been, know who I amoutside of being a mother, so I
can step away from being amother.
The same way you have a job.
You can't do that job 24.
Seven.
And still be good at it.
You can't like you have to leavework.
There are laws around that.
There aren't laws around.
Around mothering.
Right.
But.
If you tried to get your nannyto nanny 24 7.
(15:36):
And not pay them.
Six figures.
You're going to have a reallyhard time finding a nanny.
Right.
Because it is a job.
It is.
Work.
It requires.
Have you.
And so you have to take time to.
Establish your identity to knowhow to take care of yourself.
(15:57):
Right.
Societal pressure.
There is an unseen.
Unspoken expectation for moms.
Especially single moms toprioritize motherhood over
everything.
But there's also the piece of ifyou are working.
You're also somehow expected tobe able to work and to not have
(16:18):
to take time off and.
All of that stuff.
Right.
So.
You can challenge this notion.
And.
Be a multi-dimensional mother.
Right.
I mean, you are that already.
You're already doing that.
So you can shift it a bit.
For yourself for your ownbenefits.
(16:40):
It's okay to do things for yourown benefit.
To rediscover your identity andactually level up.
It seems.
Counterintuitive.
If you are.
Subscribing to mom.
And guilt if you're subscribingto societal pressure and some of
the other challenges.
To lean into taking care ofyourself.
And learning about yourself andprioritizing yourself.
(17:05):
But doing those things will makeyou a better mother.
Time constraints.
It's really hard to have youtime, right?
Like, As a single mom,especially if you're doing it
all on your own and have 0, 0, 0support.
It can be really hard to carveout your own time.
Um, I do have.
Um, I mean, just, you know, ifyou don't already.
Follow me on Instagram and tick,mainly take talk.
(17:27):
Don't follow me on Instagram.
Well me on Tik TOK and threads.
And I post.
A lot of tips about liketime-saving and all, you know,
how to take care of yourself.
And how to.
Infuse things into what you'realready doing.
Doing to improve your quality oflife when you don't have time.
Fear of judgment.
This is a big one, right?
(17:48):
Fear of judgment.
Oh, my gosh.
So, depending on when you're.
Hearing this it is now November,2024.
In the.
It was around November 20, 22,but it actually started.
In October, 2020.
Two.
Two years ago.
Aye.
(18:08):
Shared a post.
Post that went viral onInstagram.
Ana.
And.
I thought that that was exactlywhat I wanted, but it was a
very.
It went viral because it wasvery relatable.
For a lot of single moms.
But it was also something.
Thing that people.
Who aren't single moms.
(18:29):
And or who hates single moms.
Could easily project.
Reject their hate on too.
And so I got.
I think I got.
At 2 million view.
I had like random peoplecommenting.
I had celebs.
Celebrities commenting.
And liking.
And sharing and it just keptblowing up and blowing.
(18:50):
I mean, even, I just got a likeon.
On it today and it was two yearsago.
So anyway.
That.
Judgment.
I was not.
Not expecting the level ofjudgment that.
That I got for simply sharing myfeelings about something.
That had happened.
(19:10):
In my life that a lot of othersingle.
Moms have had happened to themthat they also related to.
But there.
It was so much unnecessary, liketwisty turny, mental backflip
hate.
On it.
It.
And it shut me down.
I didn't really use.
I basically up until recently.
(19:32):
Didn't.
Didn't use Instagram heavilysince I tried to go with the
momentum maybe before.
For a couple more weeks, butonce it really hit for me, like,
That judgment.
I was just like, I can't even, Icouldn't think of things to
post.
I couldn't like it created thishuge creative block for awhile.
And so I had to let go of thefear of judgment.
(19:52):
And what helped me do that wasthings happening in my personal
life.
With.
You know, family.
Family.
Like extended family and, friendgroup.
Kind of dissolving, It wasnothing that I did that was
while they're out.
The pocket, I just setboundaries.
And then, you know, people whodon't like you setting
(20:15):
boundaries.
Trees show themselves.
And so that's what happened.
And when that happened with thesame grandmother.
Mother who gave me that greatadvice, right?
Like she gave me that greatadvice.
And, you know, Something not sogreat happened.
A while later.
People are complicated.
It is what it.
(20:35):
It is.
I don't even, you know,sometimes you just got to set
boundaries with people and.
I love them from a distance.
And so that's what I chose todo.
Because it's like, You hurt.
Me, you didn't apologize, but.
I'm not going to subject myselfto that anymore.
But it doesn't make me.
We love you any less.
(20:57):
Like, I still love her verymuch.
It wasn't an.
Easy decision, but I'm alsovery, uh, somewhat about myself.
And so basically from thosethings, I was afraid of being
labeled.
Labeled as a bad mom orneglectful or.
You know, Not just whatever,right?
(21:20):
In the case of the thing with.
The extended family.
It was more so that.
I was afraid of being seennegatively for something.
That wasn't.
Negative.
But like still being perceivedthat way.
So.
The point is.
(21:43):
I encourage you to let go ofoutside opinions.
And focus on what you.
And your kids need the most,which is joyful and authentic.
Love.
And if you're afraid.
Afraid of judgment.
From others.
(22:03):
That don't really like, are theyraising your kids?
Because if they're not theirjudgment, doesn't matter.
But that doesn't take the fearaway per se, until you, unless.
Yes, you work on it anyway.
All right.
Let's get into these practicalsteps of rediscovering your
identity.
Okay.
Revisit the things that.
You liked in the past oldhobbies or interests?
(22:25):
Passenger you had before youwere a mom, what did you enjoy?
That brought you joy orfulfillment, however small.
It could be small.
Things, it could be big things.
One.
Thing for me was tennis.
Something that I've always,always, always wanted to get
back.
Into, for some reason, I find itdifficult to.
Do cardio.
I actually did get back intotennis.
(22:48):
Two years ago and.
It was so great.
Oh my gosh.
It was so lovely.
And it was like wonderful.
Wonderful to see how my body, mymuscles remembered how to do
things.
But.
When I got home.
Home.
Or on the way home, it was like,my body was buzzing.
I was so much energy.
(23:10):
That it made.
Made me feel panicky.
And I was like, I could push.
Through this, I could go backinto tennis a few more times and
see if this is just Like aone-time thing, a two time
thing, a three time thing or aforever thing.
But I didn't, because I didn'thave the bandwidth to.
That was a time where I wasworking from home as a
therapist.
(23:30):
Mist and.
The kids were home all summerand.
My partner at the time wasworking.
long hours and.
I was at home with two kids in apuppy.
All day.
Cause they weren't in camp oranything like that.
And it was.
I was balancing working and itwas also baking.
(23:52):
Thing and like doing shows onthe weekends.
It was just so much, I didn't.
Have the bandwidth to like, seeif tennis could fit.
But.
That gets me to the other thing.
Baking and it turned.
Into something way bigger thanjust baking as a hobby.
Funnily enough.
But that's something that I'vealways loved.
I still love it.
(24:12):
And.
Even when I talk about baking,it's like, My whole spirit
lights up because I just loveit.
So much.
And so I revisited that and thatturned into a whole side
business, because I ended upselling it because people were
just like, so good.
He should sell it.
And so I tried it.
And suddenly it was so fun.
Until.
(24:33):
Life circumstances changed.
And so.
So I don't have access to.
Being able to sell it right now.
Now which sucks, but.
Revisiting those past thingsI've been baking since I was 13.
And playing.
Playing tennis.
Since I was 10, I played from 10to 18.
And then baking, I've done onand off, but.
(24:54):
Basically stopped when I hadkids for awhile.
So revisiting those past things.
And then if you don't have thosethings, Things or if everything
ends up like tennis for you.
You can explore new passions.
Okay.
Be open to discovering.
New things, things that.
You've always wanted to try, butnever really.
Really tried, maybe that's danceclasses.
(25:15):
Getting into reading or plannedparenthood.
Even maybe solo.
Solo travel, especially ifyou're like a 50, 50, custody
schedule kind of girly.
Rediscovery.
It isn't always about goingback.
And I kind of alluded to this atthe beginning, especially if
you've changed a lot as a personin general and just haven't
realized it yet.
Sometimes it's about.
(25:36):
Finding.
Out who you are now, as opposedto going back to who you used.
To be.
Okay.
And then set small goals.
Goals, micro goals, especiallyif you are, neurodivergent like.
MI.
Or just otherwise need things tobe bite-sized.
Maybe your life is super busyand making big changes.
Takes.
(25:57):
Too much out of the things thatare a priority for you.
Although you should be yourpriority.
As well.
But setting small goals forpersonal development, choosing
one area.
At a time where that's yourhealth?
What about your career?
You know, pursuing the careerthat you actually want to be in,
whether that's, you know, goingfor.
For new schooling or moreschooling or initial schooling.
(26:19):
Or whether that's creativeprojects.
And then set SMA.
Small achievable goals.
Not just to reach.
The goals, which that is part ofit, but to fuel your sense of
self.
So you want to make sure thatthe goals are small enough that
you.
Reach them.
And not that they're so big thatyou can't.
Reach them because that's onlygoing to discourage you further.
(26:42):
That's going to.
To make your confidence, take ahit.
And you don't need that.
Right now when you're literallyjust.
Trying to, Connect with youridentity as a single mom.
Okay.
And then this one is major.
If I haven't said it enough.
Self care and boundaries.
Okay.
It is.
Is incredibly important for youto, uh, to carve out time for
(27:05):
self.
Self-reflection.
Whether that's journaling.
Meditation.
dancing, which is my new fav.
Anything that allows for selfgrowth?
Emphasis on self.
It is incredibly.
Important to carve out time forthat, especially with your
identity, right?
How are you going?
To rediscover yourself.
If you're not spending time withyourself.
I'll put it this way.
(27:26):
If you were dating someone, howare you going to get to know
them?
If you don't get.
To know them.
You have to spend time withthem.
You have to observe.
Observe them, you have to.
Do things with.
Them.
It's the same thing with gettingto know.
Yourself and with getting toknow your identity now outside
of.
Motherhood.
(27:46):
You have to spend time withyourself.
If you don't like me sayingthat.
That means you don't likeyourself.
I used to also not like myself,but it just means it's going to
be a little bit.
Harder for.
You.
I would encourage you to figureout what parts of yourself.
That you like work with those.
And then figure out what partsof yourself.
You don't like.
And work with those and work oneither liking.
(28:09):
Them.
Changing them.
Depending on what they are.
But I would work on liking themmore so than changing them.
And then finally connect withlike minded.
Communities.
Finding single mom communitiesfollowing.
Me on Tech-Talk following.
Me on threads, especially.
If you're looking for community,follow me on threads.
(28:31):
And then any other women focusgroups or local.
The local groups.
There's this amazing Facebookgroup.
That I've been in the entiresingle mom journey.
But it's local to my area.
I'm in the DMV and it's for DMV.
Single moms and it is just.
Wonderful.
If you.
Can find your version of that.
In your area or even create aversion of that.
(28:53):
If it doesn't exist in yourarea.
It is a game changer.
Share.
If you create something.
Like that on Facebook, it mighttake a few years to get to the
level of the one that I'm in.
But it'll be worth it and you'llbe a single mom.
In some capacity, maybe you'llgrow into like a solo mom or,
you know, co-parenting mom or,you know, A blended family,
whatever.
(29:15):
But it'll still grow.
In that time.
But the goal in that is to feelsupported, to exchange.
Change ideas and gaininspiration with people who get
it.
Right.
How many times are you shoutedinto the internet?
Uh, BIS or seen other singlemoms shout into the internet of
this.
About.
Single motherhood.
And the people who respond.
(29:37):
Aren't single moms and they'rejust hating and you're like, you
don't even get it.
Like, why are you hating?
But that's what happened.
Happens.
Right.
And so to find spaces.
where you can.
Go through this.
Kind of clumsy journey ofreconnecting with your identity
outside.
Of motherhood.
But they also get what it meansto do that, or they're on.
(30:00):
That same journey themselves.
Game changer, game changer.
I actually also have a textmembership.
I'll talk about that a bit moreat the end.
So you start doing those steps,right?
You revisit your past interestand see what still works for.
And you explore new passionsand, you know, what's the
expression.
(30:20):
You fill it out.
You've got some of these hobbiesand interests.
All of these hobbies andinterests, some are old, some
are new.
And then.
When you set small goals forpersonal development, like with
the tennis thing.
Right.
What made me take so long to getstarted with it?
Despite wanting to do itbasically the whole time I was a
(30:41):
mother.
I told myself, okay, if I dotennis and I'm going.
I have to sign up for likelessons or some type of team,
and that's a commitment.
That's like at least a weeklycommitment.
I didn't have.
That.
Right.
I told myself, oh, maybe I couldplay here or there with like
some of.
My old tennis buddies.
And then I was like, Well, Idon't know their schedule.
(31:02):
So, you know, I kind of didthat.
That thing, right.
And setting those small goals.
So I just.
Set a goal to just go see.
And so the place that I had had.
This tennis assessment, they goby the I'm not going to talk
about it.
That tennis.
Jargon.
And.
So I was just like, let me justgo see, and I'll just sit on it
(31:23):
for a while.
And I did that and.
And, you know, ultimately Ichose not to move forward with
it.
But that was.
A small goal.
That was something I could do.
That was small.
That.
Allowed me to do it, which builtmy confidence.
Right.
Even.
Though it didn't work out.
My confidence was still built.
I'm like, I was so glad that Idid.
That for myself, even if itdidn't go, how I thought it
(31:44):
would or how I wanted.
It too.
Okay.
And then practicing self careand boundaries.
I talked about the self carepiece.
I didn't talk about theboundaries.
Um, but that's a big piece too,knowing when to say no, knowing
how to say no.
No knowing when to say, can Iget back to you on that?
Because you don't know if youwant to say yes or no.
(32:04):
That was a game changer for me.
In fact.
I need to use it today.
And then finally connecting withlike-minded communities.
So if you start doing.
Doing those things.
Here's how you know that youwill have started or you.
You know, been connecting withyour identity in every day life.
One, you're going to feel moreconfidence and you're going to
(32:26):
feel more resilience.
Right.
When you know who you are,you're more grounded.
You're more confident you'remore secure.
And it's easier to bounce backfrom a setback.
I remember those early singlemotherhood setbacks.
Oh.
My gosh.
And things hurt and they would.
Hurt for days, or if they didn'thurt for days, I would take them
(32:48):
out on the people around me,which wasn't fair to them
because it's not their faultthat my kid's dad was not.
Being good to them and to me asa mother who.
Who he, of his children, who hecreated the children with
anyway.
So you will have more confidenceand resilience, right?
(33:08):
You'll have improvedrelationships.
Okay.
There.
Can be a bit of codependency.
I'm saying this very gently.
If you can't see my face.
There can be a bit ofcodependency.
When.
Your entire identity is.
(33:28):
Steeped in motherhood.
And then there can also be theflip side, but what.
I usually see more often in whatif you are.
Into the things that I say, whatyou're most likely dealing with
is.
As codependency in the sense oflike, And you're so used.
To giving of yourself.
At your own expense.
(33:48):
Spence that you probably aren'teven realizing the extent to
which you are giving.
At your own expense.
You desperately want someoneelse?
To do for.
For you.
What you do for your kids?
But also.
Likely other people in yourlife.
Whether it's bending overbackwards for the career.
(34:09):
Bending over backwards for thepeople you, they.
Who probably tend to be moreavoidant.
Um, Or just bending overbackwards for friends, for
family.
Especially if you were the firstborn daughter in many cases,
And.
That can.
Become your identity, right?
If you've always been the momfriend, if you've always.
(34:31):
Been the caretaker andmotherhood is just you now
doing.
That for your actual children,but.
You've been doing.
This for people, your whole lifein some way.
You're probably very.
Disconnected from your ownidentity.
And that creates a certaincodependency.
So.
And codependency codependency isnot good for your relationships.
(34:55):
The same way that narcissism isnot good for your relationship.
It's just that the drivingfactor behind both is opposite.
But so when you haverediscovered, Discovered your
identity on some level, it willresult in improved
relationships, especially if youget into the self care and the
boundaries, which is why Ipushed those so hard.
(35:16):
So you'll have a stronger senseof self, which will allow for
healthier, more fulfilling, moreauthentic.
Relationships with family,friends and partners, because
that could have been tocodependency leads to resentment
and resentment is like, Aterrible, terrible.
Blight.
(35:37):
On relationships, especially.
Unspoken resentment.
Another way you can tell isyou'll just have a different, A
better sense of happiness andinner peace.
You'll.
You'll know that you're morethan a mom.
And that will give youpermission.
To find joy and peace in yourdaily life with your kids.
Right.
And without your kids.
(36:00):
Because one day you will bewithout your kids on some level,
whether it's, you know, They maymove across the country or
across the world.
But like if that's what theywant and that's.
It's where life takes them,then.
It's their life.
Your kids.
Okay.
They will thrive.
When they see you thriving whenthey see you happy, when they
(36:21):
see you.
Being your authentic self.
Your kids will thrive.
How many times?
Your kids pick up on yourenergy.
And whether or not you canbelieve in energy.
Which if you're here, youprobably do.
Your kids will pick up on yourenergy if.
Your energy is very over-givingand you're kind of a bit of a
(36:45):
martyr or something like.
That super codependent.
Your kids will pick up on thatand they'll either mirror that.
Or it will.
Repel and.
Repulse them so deeply that theywill grow into the opposite.
What is.
The opposite of codependent.
It's usually something.
More on the narcissistic side ofthings.
(37:08):
Not narcissistic as apersonality disorder and
narcissistic as a personality.
Trait.
And so.
If you don't want.
Your kids to either be goingthrough what you're going
through and.
Model the behavior of not havingan identity and being the
caretaker.
Person all the time.
Or.
To go on the other side ofthings and to be a narcissist.
(37:32):
Like I said, not personalitydisorder, but personality trait.
Creates and become the kind ofperson that you want your kids
to be.
Which.
Be happy, fulfilled andauthentic as you.
Rediscover your identity.
Okay.
Oh, right.
Right.
Closing thoughts.
First of all, thank you for.
Being here for listening, etcetera.
(37:54):
And I just want.
To one.
Before I get into myencouragement.
Cause you know, I am heavy on.
On the encouragement and I'm aheavy on the love.
But.
Before that I want to say it'ssuper important.
Just.
Like I said, I don't be bossingpeople around, but if there's
one thing.
(38:14):
I'm getting, if you're seeing,if you're watching the video,
I'm getting like physicallyuncomfortable.
Trying to contain this.
If there is a one.
Thing.
That you do.
Change about your life as asingle mom.
It is at.
At least connecting with youridentity.
You can just never listen tothis.
This podcast never listened toanything else that I ever say
(38:37):
ever.
You were to do one thing.
Not even as a single mom.
If you're, if you happen to belike, married mom or even just.
Someone who identifies withthat?
Oh my gosh.
I'm a mom friend.
I've been the mom friend.
My whole life and I've beentaking care of my family, my
whole life.
Please.
Please.
Please.
(38:58):
Connect.
With your identity.
Just do it.
Just do it.
So I want you to take the firststep.
Whether that is.
Making a list of the things thatyou either want to try for the
first time or revisit.
Yeah, I would say start there.
(39:18):
And then also the communitypiece.
I think that's.
QI.
And so that's where I'm going toget into talking about the
single mom sanctuary.
If you are looking for dailyencouragement.
Self care reminders and acommunity.
That gets you overall.
I want you to consider joiningthe single mom sanctuary.
Actuary.
(39:39):
It is literally 10 bucks amonth.
I'm keeping it super.
Accessibly priced.
Because, you know, as a singlemom, I've been there.
I get it like.
In a lot of free money goingaround.
Depending on where you are onyour journey, you know, you.
I have a lot of money, but a lotof us don't and I don't want
that to be the.
Reason that you're not getting.
(40:00):
Like this research.
A resource, like I made this foryou.
So if.
If that's something that you'reinterested in.
Definitely, definitely looking.
Look in the description.
Um, I'll have the link there andthen we can do.
To support each other andfinding our joy and purpose
outside of motherhood.
It's my way.
Way of pouring into you.
(40:22):
Everything that one.
I wish I.
Had poured into me.
Um, but more than that, That.
I have a friend who didn'tnecessarily make.
Make it on her single motherhoodjourney.
That's a story for another day.
But because she didn't.
Make it.
I have all this love and griefit's grief, but grief is just a
(40:45):
love.
That you are unable to give.
Right.
And so it's just been rattlingaround in my body.
For years.
And so I pour that into the textmessages as well.
Just the outpouring of love andthe things that.
The love that I have.
I have to give that I can't giveto her anymore.
So that all goes.
Into those texts to their superloving.
(41:07):
Um, and then also if for.
For no other reason, but to haveyour phone popping off like
this, getting messages here.
Are there.
Single mother can be reallylonely, especially if you know,
You're resonating with a lot ofthe things that I've said today.
And.
You know, all your time does goto your kids.
So you may not necessarily havefriends.
You.
May not necessarily be evendating anyone or on the dating
(41:27):
apps, which I don't mind.
I don't, I don't mind you.
I don't.
I forgot the expression.
I get it.
It's what I'm trying to say.
And so.
Definitely.
Definitely.
If that resonates and you'relike, Dang.
I am kind of lonely.
(41:48):
Sign up.
And there's nothing wrong withthat willingness.
I have experienced thatloneliness many times.
On my journey.
So, you know, the resources.
Resources there.
Why not use it?
And why not use it as a steptowards rediscovering?
Bring your identity as well.
And taking care of.
Yourself, because you deserveit.
Like, if you don't deserve$10 amonth.
(42:10):
I think you deserve$10 a month.
Like that's.
You're with your worth.
Worth way more.
Spending way more.
On yourself and$10 a month.
So.
That being said, thank you somuch for listening once.
Again, friendly reminder, takeone step this week towards
(42:32):
something that.
That you love or rediscoveringthings that you.
You love, like if you're, ifnothing comes to mind, take some
time to.
Find something that gives evenjust a little bit just to.
Teensy spark of joy.
No guilt.
No apologies.
Okay.
(42:52):
And make sure you follow.
Share this podcast with a singlemom friend.
Who you think would resonate?
And feel free to leave a reviewif you found.
And the episode helpful orunhelpful, You.
Talking about fear of rejection.
I don't really have it anymore.
So.
And then once again, if you feelcalled to join the.
The single home sanctuary, thelink will be in the description.
(43:16):
And yeah.
Thank you so much for your timefor.
Your energy.
Yeah.
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