December 2, 2024 • 33 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The day my best friend left thisworld, my entire life changed.
Her story is one I carry with meevery day.
Welcome to the Single Mom GlowUp, the podcast where we're
spilling all the tea on singlemotherhood, self care, and
dating.
I'm Brie Brie, your host andfellow single mom navigating
(00:23):
life, love, and everything inbetween.
Wherever you are on your singlemom journey, this is the place
where you'll find real stories,honest advice, and a community
that just gets it.
So grab your favorite drink, getcomfy, and let's talk.
dive into some juicyconversations that will inspire,
empower, and keep it all the wayreal.
(00:44):
Ready?
Let's spill the tea.
And today's tea is actuallyreally hot, uh, but like sad
hot.
So Um, I will say, triggerwarning, I will be talking about
suicide in this episode, um,suicidal ideation, suicidal
(01:05):
thoughts, um, and if not in thisepisode, the suicidal thoughts
piece or the suicidal ideationpiece will also be talked about
in, uh, the next couple ofpodcast episodes as well.
Um, I'm doing a focus thismonth, you know, it'll start off
on the sad end, but then, youknow, I will work through the,
(01:29):
you know, the transformation andthe positive side of things,
obviously, but today's episodemight be a bit heavy.
Um, so if you want to skip it,don't worry, I will not be
offended.
I definitely, during my journey,in fact, immediately after what
I'll be talking about today forabout.
(01:49):
I want to say a year and a half,two years.
Um, I couldn't even see the wordsuicide without being plunged
into a panic attack.
So if you need to skip thisepisode for, like, to take care
of yourself or self care, pleasedo.
Okay?
Don't feel like you have tolisten to it.
You're not missing out onanything.
I will also, um, be posting, um,a slightly different version,
(02:15):
you know, more blog posty andless podcasty, um, for those who
want to read instead.
Uh, so no hard feelings if youskip this episode, but for those
of you who can handle it, we aregoing to be getting into the
story of my friend Desiree.
(02:39):
So I'm sharing this one to honorher memory, um, and give.
Space to her story and my storyand how they have become
intertwined.
Um, and then I also want toexplore the lessons that her
(02:59):
life and her passing taught meand encourage you to prioritize
self care.
You, whoever is listening,whether you're a single mom or
not.
Um, I hope this story canencourage you to prioritize self
care.
So I'm going to just dive rightin and talk about Desiree.
(03:22):
And if I'm actually sniffingright now a little bit because
it's cold outside, and I justgot back from the bus stop, but
my sniffles may get a bit moreintense.
I'll try to move the microphoneaway when I sniffle, but it
might get a bit more intense ifI start to cry talking about
this.
Um, Never you fear, I havetherapy right after this.
(03:47):
So the timing is impeccable, butDesiree, um, I met Desiree in
middle school and man, was sheSo weird, but like in the best
way, um, I remember now this wasback in the early two thousands.
(04:11):
We were in middle school and thefirst time I saw her and met
her, um, I had heard some thingsabout her, um, the words used, I
don't remember the exact wordused, but people kind I saw her
as this unhinged, unpredictable,quote unquote, I'm using this
(04:32):
term because this was one of theterms used back then, but now
it's not really the best term touse to describe people, but
crazy, um, and, you know, I waskind of scared.
scared to know her or to meether based on the rumors that I
(04:54):
had heard about her, um, butthen when I met her and we were
in sixth grade and she hadshort, I'm not sure if it was
relaxed or just straightened.
I think it was.
Her hair texture may have justbeen straightened.
Um, like this orange hairbecause she had bleached it.
(05:14):
But like, that's all she did.
She just bleached it.
Um, and it looked wild.
And I, it like, Fit thestereotype of not the
stereotype, but it fit therumors and I was just like, ah,
I don't want to, but in one ofmy classes, I either got paired
(05:34):
up with her or I had to sit nextto her and she was just such a
delightful person.
Like, we just clicked, um,clicked to the point that, uh,
we'd had, Sleepovers, and wedecided to pair up ourselves
with one other, um, girl forsomething called NHS, which was
(05:58):
like a big, long, months longproject.
Um, And, oh wait, this was,what's the sixth grade?
This was past sixth grade.
I'm now in the middle of middleschool.
Um, and long story short, webecame friends, like to the
point that my mom would pick herup in the morning and we would
(06:18):
go to school together and we'dbe sitting in the far back seat
of my mom's, you know, SUV,listening to Mary J.
Blige and just singing at thetop of our lungs.
To the point that.
I can't even listen to that songwithout thinking about her and
(06:46):
like I'm crying but it's such ahappy memory and I don't even
know if these tears are happytears and they're like both
they're like happy tears andgrief tears I miss her tears you
(07:07):
know uh so yeah we got reallyclose in middle school and then
I went to um we were at a middleschool for gifted kids, smart
kids, whatever.
And so I went to a high school.
(07:28):
I went to my local high school.
She went to her local highschool.
And so we went, we ended upseparated.
Um, and I didn't really like, wewere connected on Facebook, but
I didn't really hear from her,um, because she, she lived a
very hard life.
Like her mom was, she basicallyraised herself.
Like her mom was their ish.
(07:48):
Um, but her dad wasn't reallythere.
Um, And her extended family waskind of in and out as absolutely
necessary, but they weren'tnecessarily there there, um, and
just, there was a lot going onin her family and just, it
wasn't even like a, oh, youknow, they're terrible people
and just neglectful and stufflike that.
(08:10):
It was like, Just a lot oftrauma in her family.
Um, and so she didn't have,like, there were some times that
I think that she just didn'thave internet access, so she, I
wouldn't hear from her onFacebook for like months at a
time.
(08:31):
Um, and then she'd come back andbe like, Oh, I was able to get
X, Y, and Z, and da da da da.
Like, okay, alright.
Um, And so despite all of thehardship, despite how difficult
a lot of her life was, she wassuch, first of all, she was
(08:52):
incredibly smart.
She was incredibly funny.
Um, I feel like you can't besmart and not funny.
Like I haven't met a smartperson who isn't funny in some
way.
Um, and she, She was just sofull of love and light and just
absolute, she was just abeautiful, beautiful soul.
(09:17):
She was a beautiful person too,but she was just a beautiful
soul.
Um, and I never had met anyonelike her.
I don't know that I ever willmeet anyone like her ever again.
And yeah, yeah.
And so let me get into.
(09:42):
When we reconnected, right?
Because throughout high schoolwe weren't connected.
And then, I went off to college,not off to college, I went to
the local college.
Um, and I'm not sure what shedid.
Um, I think she went straightinto working, you know.
to live.
She was already working in highschool.
(10:03):
So, um, and then we both endedup, she was married.
She got married really young tosomeone she met around like 14,
15 years old.
Um, and we both had kids or weboth had our first child at the
(10:24):
same time, like her daughter andmy daughter just a few months
apart.
And so.
That I saw that she had just hada baby on Facebook and I was
pregnant at the time and I waslike, Oh my gosh, we're gonna
have babies at the same time.
Um, and so that kind ofconnected us, especially being,
(10:45):
uh, both of us.
Yeah, I had my daughter at 19.
And she was 20.
She turned 20, right?
She and I are also, you know, afew months apart.
Um, so she was 20.
And so, you know, we're bothyoung.
None of our other friends orpeople that we knew were having
kids at that age.
(11:06):
Um, And so, you know, we kind ofreconnected over that and, you
know, spent time together and,you know, her husband and my
kid's dad, um, also kind of, Idon't know if I would call what
they had a friend, they, I'm notgoing to speak on that.
(11:26):
I know I'm supposed to spill thetea, but like.
Yeah, so, they got along, um,and, you know, we would hang out
every so often.
They lived an hour away.
Um, and they were also a lotmore road trippy than, um, my ex
(11:50):
and I, so they would often comevisit us and then also make
their rounds in the area tovisit other people.
But every now and then we wouldalso go up to where they lived.
Um, and so, you know, that wasgreat.
And then she had her secondchild.
Um, a few years later and then Ihad my second child a couple of
(12:13):
years after that.
And, you know, we just rebuiltthat friendship to the level
that it was in middle schoolafter, you know, the, the high
school.
Uh, not dark.
It wasn't dark, but it was likequiet between us because we both
had a lot of life going on.
Um, and yeah, she, she'd grownso much and so would I.
(12:39):
We were, we both were verydifferent people than who we
were in middle school and alsolike in high school.
Um, but we grew.
And you know how you grow apartfrom people?
She and I didn't grow apart.
We just grew kind of likeparallel.
Um, and so, you know, it waslike no time had passed and we
(13:02):
just really got along.
So, um, she was.
She was a great mother, um, abit chaotic, right?
Like, something about Desiree,she was extremely chaotic, um,
and I, you know, I laugh aboutit because she was also very,
like, lighthearted about it andstuff, but I also know that
(13:25):
there must have been some very,very dark, uh, you know, chaos
has, chaos has two sides to it.
You know, there's two ends ofchaos.
The positive, lighthearted, likefun chaos, you know, like, well,
actually no, this goes, this isthe case for Florida man energy
too, but like there's chaoticgood.
(13:46):
And then there's chaotic evil.
Right.
And so while she was not evil atall, she did have chaotic
darkness the same way she hadchaotic light.
Um, and so I know that thingsare really hard for her.
And, um, and I also, I'm addingthis not necessarily to share,
(14:08):
you know, her business oranything like that.
But for the, I think it'simportant to note this, um, when
I talk about sort of whathappened.
And that is, that she had hadmoments of suicidal ideation.
(14:32):
Um, I think there may have beeneither an attempt or two or
close to an attempt or two inthe past.
Um, that will make sense when Iget into the story.
I'm not just saying that just tolike add tea or add, you know, I
don't even, I don't evenconsider that interesting
information per se, but it's,It's kind of like a disclaimer
(14:55):
almost But yeah She had hadthose moments, especially during
like high school and So Hold on.
Let me let me check my notesy'all because you and we all
know that I get ramblingsometimes So yeah Long story
(15:21):
shortened, because I could go onand on and on about that, our
friendship was back to what itwas, um, and in early 2019, when
I, I'd been engaged for a year,and we were set to be married in
June, and, you know, Obviously,I was talking to her about all
(15:42):
this stuff and then he, um, wasabout to cheat and I caught him
about to cheat after he movedback to his home state and if
you don't know what I'm talkingabout, uh, feel free to listen
to, I think it's in the firstepisode, not the trailer, but
the first episode where I talkabout this, um, what happened
with my ex and how I became asingle mom.
(16:06):
Yeah.
So, you know, I was telling herabout all this and about, um, as
naturally comes out, all thethings that you don't tell
people about your relationship,uh, when it's over, all the red
flags you ignored and stuff likethat.
So I was telling her all ofthat.
And she literally said to me inone of our conversations, uh,
(16:28):
she was like, you know,listening to you say all this
about him makes me realize thatlike, I should probably leave my
husband too.
And, uh, At first I was like,Oh, like, what do you mean?
Cause she hadn't told meanything bad.
And then she started telling mewhat was going on.
(16:50):
And I was like, yo, that isabuse.
Like, Oh my goodness, youdeserve so much better than that
you deserve.
And you know, I'm not going toget into what she said happened
or anything like that.
You know, there's some of herstory I can tell because it
pertains to.
To me and my story, but I alsodon't feel comfortable telling
(17:11):
her whole story.
You know, she's not here to tellher story and I'm sure she
wouldn't mind.
I'm sure she would come right onthis show and, you know, just
bear all, but that's not mydecision to make for her on her
behalf.
So here she was inspired.
I don't know if inspired is theright word.
(17:32):
Um, but catalyzed to end hermarriage of almost 10 years.
Um, wait.
Now her relationship of almost10 years.
I can't remember how long they'dbeen married though, um, because
I'd left my relationship ofseven years and she like was in
(18:00):
the process of doing that.
And so, you know, she and Iwould talk every day on my way
to work.
I was doing an internship, um,and it took me like an hour in
traffic to get to work everyday.
So we would just chat on thephone the whole time and.
Uh, we would just, you know,talk about, you know, you know,
you know, whatever BS was goingon with, you know, her divorce
(18:23):
or, you know, my kid's dad andall of that.
And you know, eventually we bothstarted dating and so we'd spill
the tea on that.
And sometimes we would end upmatching with like the same guys
or like not necessarily matchingbut seeing the same guys and we
would be like, Oh my gosh, didyou see this one?
blah, blah, blah.
(18:43):
Um, you know, just.
regular stuff.
Um, and then something happenedwith her still husband, but they
were, you know, divorcing.
What's the, Oh, soon to be ex.
That's a term.
Something happened with her,with her soon to be ex that
upset her so much,understandably upset her so much
(19:10):
that, um, she slashed his tireson his car.
Um, and that sounds kind ofrandom and out of pocket, but
like, the thing that hadhappened, it made sense why that
was the thing that she did.
Um, and so Long story short, howmany times have I said that?
(19:35):
She ended up facing 40 years injail for that because she lived
in an area that's racist.
So she was looking at 40 yearsand that was terrifying and I
think that started her Thinkingabout suicidal thoughts.
(19:55):
Um, thinking about sui I thinkthat started her thinking that
way.
Um, but she was able to get alawyer and things were going
good.
And so she came to visit.
Um, two weeks in a row, whichwas pretty good.
It's pretty rare.
The first week she came, um, andyou know, we just hung out, took
(20:20):
a bunch of pictures.
It was like summer.
Yeah, it was summer.
And we were out in my backyard,just having a good time.
And then the next week she came,we didn't, we spent some time
together, but it's like she was,She needed space.
She came down with the kids andshe just needed space to like, I
(20:43):
don't know what she did, but shewent outside and she said she
was overwhelmed and just neededsome air.
And I was like, go take someair, like go get some air.
The kids are good.
And so she did.
And then she came back in.
Did she come back in or did I goout?
No.
Yeah.
She came back in and was like,Hey, Hey, we're going to get
(21:03):
back up the road.
And so that weekend, It was whenshe had gotten good news from
her lawyer that she wasn'tfacing 40 years that there was
no way that that was actuallygoing to happen.
Um, and then, I'm sorry I'mslowing down y'all, but I'm
(21:25):
also, while I'm speaking, I'mpaying attention to like, my
body.
Um, And you know what my limitsmight be in talking about this.
But yeah, she um, she gave me ahug and it was a super long hug
and I saw this look in her eyeand now I know what the look was
(21:46):
but when it happened I was likeshe's hiding something from me.
And because I had have, youknow, friendship betrayal
trauma, I thought that maybe shewas like, you know, talking to a
guy that I had showed her andshe just didn't tell me about it
or whatever and something likethat.
And I was like, yeah, it'sreally not that big of a deal.
(22:07):
I'm just going to leave it.
She's going through a lot rightnow.
You know, she'll tell me later.
Right.
And so she went about her day orshe, she went on her way.
Um, and that was like a Saturdayand she and I texted every day
all day.
Uh, and so that week, um, I wasat work and I decided to, I was
(22:32):
like, I need to focus on work.
I'm not texting.
Right, I'll text when the day isover at 5.
And so, she and I were textingback and forth, and Tuesday,
randomly in the middle of theday, she sent me a text message
and just said, I love you.
And it was like, that's not outof the blue because we said that
(22:52):
to each other randomlythroughout the day anyway.
So, she said that.
I was like, Nope, I am on, Iturned a new leaf.
I'm focusing on work right now.
I'll tell her I love her later,and I'm sure you can see this
where this is going.
Right.
Um, and so later on I texted herback.
(23:13):
I was like, I love you.
And then nothing.
And then either that evening orthe next day, no, it was the, it
was the next day.
Someone random, someone I didn'tknow, messaged me on Instagram.
I was like, Hey, did you hearabout Desiree?
And I was like, okay, clearlyher husband is up to some BS
(23:35):
because why is this random womanmessaging me on Instagram?
So I screenshot it and I sent itto her and I was like, do you
know this person?
And then I continued theconversation with the person and
then she, she had told me whathappened, right?
This person I don't even knowwho wasn't even that close with
her told me what happened.
(24:00):
And I was like, no way, no way,no way.
Then my mind went back to thattext and how I hadn't heard from
her since, which was justunheard of.
And it's funny, I'm like sittingin the exact spot in my room
where I just collapsed.
I was outside and I'd gottenhome from work and like checked
my phone before going inside.
(24:23):
And I walked into the house andI was just like crying and I
just, I just came over to mybed, which I now have a new bed,
but that bed and I just fell tomy knees and just collapsed on
the side of my bed and I juststarted crying so hard.
(24:51):
It's funny.
My memory isn't that great, butwhen it comes to stuff like
this, it's like, it's like I canjust transport myself right back
to that moment sometimes.
Um, and you know, I practicedoing that from a distance now,
like watching it instead ofliving it.
But, Ooh.
Yeah.
Anyway, I have to start wrappingthis up because I do have to get
(25:14):
going to therapy, but that's,that's it.
That day, that day was acatalyst for like a complete
shattering of my life andbreaking me open.
(25:38):
And breaking me open to becomethe person that I am today.
I am a completely differentperson like this.
I know that, you know, storiesare one thing and plays and just
writings in general are, it justfeels like this was a turning
(25:58):
point in my life.
You know, there's grief, Youknow, I've, I've lost people
before, I've lost people since,but like, this was something
different, like it shattered mein a different way, um, and I
had to learn to put the piecesback, I had to do that bit by
(26:22):
bit, piece by piece, um, andthat was something that I'd
never Done before and inlearning about that.
It's made me a different person,right?
And so hmm, I'm just goingthrough my Talking points
(26:54):
because I do have to leave infour minutes And I'm seeing
which of these I'm going to canright so I think actually I'm
going to Start to wrap up herebecause next week I'm going to
be talking about Actually, letme not lie to your face, lie to
(27:19):
your ears.
Next week I'm going to betalking about, yeah, so in the
following months what happenedfor me.
Um, a lot of my talking pointsfor this episode kind of
include, you know, how thishappening, you know, impacted my
(27:42):
relationship with self care andstuff, but I'm going to get into
that more in the next few weeks.
So I'm just going to leave youwith this.
I hope that's okay.
Um, definitely come back nextweek for the next part of the
story and how it, how beingbroken, right, shattered,
completely shattered, um, howone That's not the end, how it
(28:09):
might feel like the end, how Ithought it was the end, and how
bad things got for me self carewise that it felt like the end.
Um, dang, I lost my train ofthought.
But yeah, I'm gonna continue thestory, and it'll be less about
the end.
You know, what happened with herand more about what started to
(28:31):
happen with me on the inside andthen in the following weeks, how
I, here we go, that's where mythought was going, how I put
things back together, whichsometimes was very lonely and
felt by myself.
And then other times I had.
(28:51):
And how that help is necessary.
Like sure, you can try to putyourself back together, right?
Um, I think, I've been watchingAlright, don't judge me.
I was watching Call of Duty, uh,Black Ops 6 gameplay.
Cause I'm more of a watcher andnot a player.
I do play stuff, but not stufflike that.
(29:12):
And, I watch a lot of gameplayvideos.
And actually, you know what,that's not a good example.
Far Cry.
is a good example of there arecertain little animations in
there where if you get hurt,right, and then you have to heal
yourself, you know, most gamesthey'll just show you healing,
they'll show the health bargoing up.
(29:32):
Far Cry will show like, oh, thething that needs to be healed is
that you just broke your hand oryou just dislocated a finger or
whatever.
And then it'll take a moment tolike show you the hands and then
like the one hand will heal,like will relocate.
Or whatever the term is, it'llput the finger back, right?
(29:56):
And there's different ones fordifferent injuries, right?
And so you can put yourself backtogether, but it's incredibly
difficult to do it.
Whereas, you know, if youweren't stranded on an island
that's being taken over by someevil group of power hungry
people, then You would just goto the doctor and the doctor
(30:22):
could fix it for you.
Or you could lean on a friendwho knows some things to help
put your finger back, or todistract you while you put, you
know what I mean?
Anyway, that was a roundaboutway of saying, I will be talking
about that as well.
So, thank you so much forlistening this far.
And I will see you next week.
(30:42):
But, before I go go, I just wantyou to, one, if this did trigger
you a bit, take some time forself care.
Whether you have a therapist,and maybe you haven't been going
or whatever, and you schedule atherapy session for yourself,
maybe journal it out, I Uh,maybe, you know, reach out to
(31:05):
your support, your community,whoever, right?
It doesn't have to be anythingmajor.
Um, and then I invite you to Youdon't know what to do for
self-care or if you're justcurious, I am offering my
self-care checklist for freethis December.
(31:26):
Um, and so all you have to do toget it is text glow to 6 6 7 2 2
2 3 7 9 8.
Again, that is glow GLOW to 6 67 2 2 2 3 7 9, 8.
Um, and with that.
By texting that you'll get theself care checklist, but you'll
(31:46):
also get the, um, I'll just sendyou like, it's about 10 days of
like encouragement and glow uptexts and tips and just all the
love that I can no longer pourinto Desiree, I put into those
texts and also my single momsanctuary, which I offer through
(32:08):
those texts as well.
So yes.
Lastly, I just want you to knowyou don't have to do this alone.
There is a world of supportwaiting for you.
You just have to take the firststep and find it.
Or reach out.
You may already know where itis.
But you just have to take thatfirst step and reach out.
(32:30):
Okay?
And one last little thing.
I just have to do this.
I had to come back and do thisand it's going to make me late
for therapy, but I just wantedto dedicate this episode to
Desiree because despite beinggone, her light continues to
(32:51):
guide me and through me, itguides so many.
Um, and I'm just incrediblygrateful.
Doesn't it's grateful.
Sounds like a teensy wordcompared to how I feel.
Thank you for listening.
The day my best friend left thisworld, my entire life changed.
Her story is one I carry with meevery day.
Welcome to the Single Mom GlowUp, the podcast where we're
spilling all the tea on singlemotherhood, self care, and
dating.
I'm Brie Brie, your host andfellow single mom navigating
(00:23):
life, love, and everything inbetween.
Wherever you are on your singlemom journey, this is the place
where you'll find real stories,honest advice, and a community
that just gets it.
So grab your favorite drink, getcomfy, and let's talk.
dive into some juicyconversations that will inspire,
empower, and keep it all the wayreal.
(00:44):
Ready?
Let's spill the tea.
And today's tea is actuallyreally hot, uh, but like sad
hot.
So Um, I will say, triggerwarning, I will be talking about
suicide in this episode, um,suicidal ideation, suicidal
(01:05):
thoughts, um, and if not in thisepisode, the suicidal thoughts
piece or the suicidal ideationpiece will also be talked about
in, uh, the next couple ofpodcast episodes as well.
Um, I'm doing a focus thismonth, you know, it'll start off
on the sad end, but then, youknow, I will work through the,
(01:29):
you know, the transformation andthe positive side of things,
obviously, but today's episodemight be a bit heavy.
Um, so if you want to skip it,don't worry, I will not be
offended.
I definitely, during my journey,in fact, immediately after what
I'll be talking about today forabout.
(01:49):
I want to say a year and a half,two years.
Um, I couldn't even see the wordsuicide without being plunged
into a panic attack.
So if you need to skip thisepisode for, like, to take care
of yourself or self care, pleasedo.
Okay?
Don't feel like you have tolisten to it.
You're not missing out onanything.
I will also, um, be posting, um,a slightly different version,
(02:15):
you know, more blog posty andless podcasty, um, for those who
want to read instead.
Uh, so no hard feelings if youskip this episode, but for those
of you who can handle it, we aregoing to be getting into the
story of my friend Desiree.
(02:39):
So I'm sharing this one to honorher memory, um, and give.
Space to her story and my storyand how they have become
intertwined.
Um, and then I also want toexplore the lessons that her
(02:59):
life and her passing taught meand encourage you to prioritize
self care.
You, whoever is listening,whether you're a single mom or
not.
Um, I hope this story canencourage you to prioritize self
care.
So I'm going to just dive rightin and talk about Desiree.
(03:22):
And if I'm actually sniffingright now a little bit because
it's cold outside, and I justgot back from the bus stop, but
my sniffles may get a bit moreintense.
I'll try to move the microphoneaway when I sniffle, but it
might get a bit more intense ifI start to cry talking about
this.
Um, Never you fear, I havetherapy right after this.
(03:47):
So the timing is impeccable, butDesiree, um, I met Desiree in
middle school and man, was sheSo weird, but like in the best
way, um, I remember now this wasback in the early two thousands.
(04:11):
We were in middle school and thefirst time I saw her and met
her, um, I had heard some thingsabout her, um, the words used, I
don't remember the exact wordused, but people kind I saw her
as this unhinged, unpredictable,quote unquote, I'm using this
(04:32):
term because this was one of theterms used back then, but now
it's not really the best term touse to describe people, but
crazy, um, and, you know, I waskind of scared.
scared to know her or to meether based on the rumors that I
(04:54):
had heard about her, um, butthen when I met her and we were
in sixth grade and she hadshort, I'm not sure if it was
relaxed or just straightened.
I think it was.
Her hair texture may have justbeen straightened.
Um, like this orange hairbecause she had bleached it.
(05:14):
But like, that's all she did.
She just bleached it.
Um, and it looked wild.
And I, it like, Fit thestereotype of not the
stereotype, but it fit therumors and I was just like, ah,
I don't want to, but in one ofmy classes, I either got paired
(05:34):
up with her or I had to sit nextto her and she was just such a
delightful person.
Like, we just clicked, um,clicked to the point that, uh,
we'd had, Sleepovers, and wedecided to pair up ourselves
with one other, um, girl forsomething called NHS, which was
(05:58):
like a big, long, months longproject.
Um, And, oh wait, this was,what's the sixth grade?
This was past sixth grade.
I'm now in the middle of middleschool.
Um, and long story short, webecame friends, like to the
point that my mom would pick herup in the morning and we would
(06:18):
go to school together and we'dbe sitting in the far back seat
of my mom's, you know, SUV,listening to Mary J.
Blige and just singing at thetop of our lungs.
To the point that.
I can't even listen to that songwithout thinking about her and
(06:46):
like I'm crying but it's such ahappy memory and I don't even
know if these tears are happytears and they're like both
they're like happy tears andgrief tears I miss her tears you
(07:07):
know uh so yeah we got reallyclose in middle school and then
I went to um we were at a middleschool for gifted kids, smart
kids, whatever.
And so I went to a high school.
(07:28):
I went to my local high school.
She went to her local highschool.
And so we went, we ended upseparated.
Um, and I didn't really like, wewere connected on Facebook, but
I didn't really hear from her,um, because she, she lived a
very hard life.
Like her mom was, she basicallyraised herself.
Like her mom was their ish.
(07:48):
Um, but her dad wasn't reallythere.
Um, And her extended family waskind of in and out as absolutely
necessary, but they weren'tnecessarily there there, um, and
just, there was a lot going onin her family and just, it
wasn't even like a, oh, youknow, they're terrible people
and just neglectful and stufflike that.
(08:10):
It was like, Just a lot oftrauma in her family.
Um, and so she didn't have,like, there were some times that
I think that she just didn'thave internet access, so she, I
wouldn't hear from her onFacebook for like months at a
time.
(08:31):
Um, and then she'd come back andbe like, Oh, I was able to get
X, Y, and Z, and da da da da.
Like, okay, alright.
Um, And so despite all of thehardship, despite how difficult
a lot of her life was, she wassuch, first of all, she was
(08:52):
incredibly smart.
She was incredibly funny.
Um, I feel like you can't besmart and not funny.
Like I haven't met a smartperson who isn't funny in some
way.
Um, and she, She was just sofull of love and light and just
absolute, she was just abeautiful, beautiful soul.
(09:17):
She was a beautiful person too,but she was just a beautiful
soul.
Um, and I never had met anyonelike her.
I don't know that I ever willmeet anyone like her ever again.
And yeah, yeah.
And so let me get into.
(09:42):
When we reconnected, right?
Because throughout high schoolwe weren't connected.
And then, I went off to college,not off to college, I went to
the local college.
Um, and I'm not sure what shedid.
Um, I think she went straightinto working, you know.
to live.
She was already working in highschool.
(10:03):
So, um, and then we both endedup, she was married.
She got married really young tosomeone she met around like 14,
15 years old.
Um, and we both had kids or weboth had our first child at the
(10:24):
same time, like her daughter andmy daughter just a few months
apart.
And so.
That I saw that she had just hada baby on Facebook and I was
pregnant at the time and I waslike, Oh my gosh, we're gonna
have babies at the same time.
Um, and so that kind ofconnected us, especially being,
(10:45):
uh, both of us.
Yeah, I had my daughter at 19.
And she was 20.
She turned 20, right?
She and I are also, you know, afew months apart.
Um, so she was 20.
And so, you know, we're bothyoung.
None of our other friends orpeople that we knew were having
kids at that age.
(11:06):
Um, And so, you know, we kind ofreconnected over that and, you
know, spent time together and,you know, her husband and my
kid's dad, um, also kind of, Idon't know if I would call what
they had a friend, they, I'm notgoing to speak on that.
(11:26):
I know I'm supposed to spill thetea, but like.
Yeah, so, they got along, um,and, you know, we would hang out
every so often.
They lived an hour away.
Um, and they were also a lotmore road trippy than, um, my ex
(11:50):
and I, so they would often comevisit us and then also make
their rounds in the area tovisit other people.
But every now and then we wouldalso go up to where they lived.
Um, and so, you know, that wasgreat.
And then she had her secondchild.
Um, a few years later and then Ihad my second child a couple of
(12:13):
years after that.
And, you know, we just rebuiltthat friendship to the level
that it was in middle schoolafter, you know, the, the high
school.
Uh, not dark.
It wasn't dark, but it was likequiet between us because we both
had a lot of life going on.
Um, and yeah, she, she'd grownso much and so would I.
(12:39):
We were, we both were verydifferent people than who we
were in middle school and alsolike in high school.
Um, but we grew.
And you know how you grow apartfrom people?
She and I didn't grow apart.
We just grew kind of likeparallel.
Um, and so, you know, it waslike no time had passed and we
(13:02):
just really got along.
So, um, she was.
She was a great mother, um, abit chaotic, right?
Like, something about Desiree,she was extremely chaotic, um,
and I, you know, I laugh aboutit because she was also very,
like, lighthearted about it andstuff, but I also know that
(13:25):
there must have been some very,very dark, uh, you know, chaos
has, chaos has two sides to it.
You know, there's two ends ofchaos.
The positive, lighthearted, likefun chaos, you know, like, well,
actually no, this goes, this isthe case for Florida man energy
too, but like there's chaoticgood.
(13:46):
And then there's chaotic evil.
Right.
And so while she was not evil atall, she did have chaotic
darkness the same way she hadchaotic light.
Um, and so I know that thingsare really hard for her.
And, um, and I also, I'm addingthis not necessarily to share,
(14:08):
you know, her business oranything like that.
But for the, I think it'simportant to note this, um, when
I talk about sort of whathappened.
And that is, that she had hadmoments of suicidal ideation.
(14:32):
Um, I think there may have beeneither an attempt or two or
close to an attempt or two inthe past.
Um, that will make sense when Iget into the story.
I'm not just saying that just tolike add tea or add, you know, I
don't even, I don't evenconsider that interesting
information per se, but it's,It's kind of like a disclaimer
(14:55):
almost But yeah She had hadthose moments, especially during
like high school and So Hold on.
Let me let me check my notesy'all because you and we all
know that I get ramblingsometimes So yeah Long story
(15:21):
shortened, because I could go onand on and on about that, our
friendship was back to what itwas, um, and in early 2019, when
I, I'd been engaged for a year,and we were set to be married in
June, and, you know, Obviously,I was talking to her about all
(15:42):
this stuff and then he, um, wasabout to cheat and I caught him
about to cheat after he movedback to his home state and if
you don't know what I'm talkingabout, uh, feel free to listen
to, I think it's in the firstepisode, not the trailer, but
the first episode where I talkabout this, um, what happened
with my ex and how I became asingle mom.
(16:06):
Yeah.
So, you know, I was telling herabout all this and about, um, as
naturally comes out, all thethings that you don't tell
people about your relationship,uh, when it's over, all the red
flags you ignored and stuff likethat.
So I was telling her all ofthat.
And she literally said to me inone of our conversations, uh,
(16:28):
she was like, you know,listening to you say all this
about him makes me realize thatlike, I should probably leave my
husband too.
And, uh, At first I was like,Oh, like, what do you mean?
Cause she hadn't told meanything bad.
And then she started telling mewhat was going on.
(16:50):
And I was like, yo, that isabuse.
Like, Oh my goodness, youdeserve so much better than that
you deserve.
And you know, I'm not going toget into what she said happened
or anything like that.
You know, there's some of herstory I can tell because it
pertains to.
To me and my story, but I alsodon't feel comfortable telling
(17:11):
her whole story.
You know, she's not here to tellher story and I'm sure she
wouldn't mind.
I'm sure she would come right onthis show and, you know, just
bear all, but that's not mydecision to make for her on her
behalf.
So here she was inspired.
I don't know if inspired is theright word.
(17:32):
Um, but catalyzed to end hermarriage of almost 10 years.
Um, wait.
Now her relationship of almost10 years.
I can't remember how long they'dbeen married though, um, because
I'd left my relationship ofseven years and she like was in
(18:00):
the process of doing that.
And so, you know, she and Iwould talk every day on my way
to work.
I was doing an internship, um,and it took me like an hour in
traffic to get to work everyday.
So we would just chat on thephone the whole time and.
Uh, we would just, you know,talk about, you know, you know,
you know, whatever BS was goingon with, you know, her divorce
(18:23):
or, you know, my kid's dad andall of that.
And you know, eventually we bothstarted dating and so we'd spill
the tea on that.
And sometimes we would end upmatching with like the same guys
or like not necessarily matchingbut seeing the same guys and we
would be like, Oh my gosh, didyou see this one?
blah, blah, blah.
(18:43):
Um, you know, just.
regular stuff.
Um, and then something happenedwith her still husband, but they
were, you know, divorcing.
What's the, Oh, soon to be ex.
That's a term.
Something happened with her,with her soon to be ex that
upset her so much,understandably upset her so much
(19:10):
that, um, she slashed his tireson his car.
Um, and that sounds kind ofrandom and out of pocket, but
like, the thing that hadhappened, it made sense why that
was the thing that she did.
Um, and so Long story short, howmany times have I said that?
(19:35):
She ended up facing 40 years injail for that because she lived
in an area that's racist.
So she was looking at 40 yearsand that was terrifying and I
think that started her Thinkingabout suicidal thoughts.
(19:55):
Um, thinking about sui I thinkthat started her thinking that
way.
Um, but she was able to get alawyer and things were going
good.
And so she came to visit.
Um, two weeks in a row, whichwas pretty good.
It's pretty rare.
The first week she came, um, andyou know, we just hung out, took
(20:20):
a bunch of pictures.
It was like summer.
Yeah, it was summer.
And we were out in my backyard,just having a good time.
And then the next week she came,we didn't, we spent some time
together, but it's like she was,She needed space.
She came down with the kids andshe just needed space to like, I
(20:43):
don't know what she did, but shewent outside and she said she
was overwhelmed and just neededsome air.
And I was like, go take someair, like go get some air.
The kids are good.
And so she did.
And then she came back in.
Did she come back in or did I goout?
No.
Yeah.
She came back in and was like,Hey, Hey, we're going to get
(21:03):
back up the road.
And so that weekend, It was whenshe had gotten good news from
her lawyer that she wasn'tfacing 40 years that there was
no way that that was actuallygoing to happen.
Um, and then, I'm sorry I'mslowing down y'all, but I'm
(21:25):
also, while I'm speaking, I'mpaying attention to like, my
body.
Um, And you know what my limitsmight be in talking about this.
But yeah, she um, she gave me ahug and it was a super long hug
and I saw this look in her eyeand now I know what the look was
(21:46):
but when it happened I was likeshe's hiding something from me.
And because I had have, youknow, friendship betrayal
trauma, I thought that maybe shewas like, you know, talking to a
guy that I had showed her andshe just didn't tell me about it
or whatever and something likethat.
And I was like, yeah, it'sreally not that big of a deal.
(22:07):
I'm just going to leave it.
She's going through a lot rightnow.
You know, she'll tell me later.
Right.
And so she went about her day orshe, she went on her way.
Um, and that was like a Saturdayand she and I texted every day
all day.
Uh, and so that week, um, I wasat work and I decided to, I was
(22:32):
like, I need to focus on work.
I'm not texting.
Right, I'll text when the day isover at 5.
And so, she and I were textingback and forth, and Tuesday,
randomly in the middle of theday, she sent me a text message
and just said, I love you.
And it was like, that's not outof the blue because we said that
(22:52):
to each other randomlythroughout the day anyway.
So, she said that.
I was like, Nope, I am on, Iturned a new leaf.
I'm focusing on work right now.
I'll tell her I love her later,and I'm sure you can see this
where this is going.
Right.
Um, and so later on I texted herback.
(23:13):
I was like, I love you.
And then nothing.
And then either that evening orthe next day, no, it was the, it
was the next day.
Someone random, someone I didn'tknow, messaged me on Instagram.
I was like, Hey, did you hearabout Desiree?
And I was like, okay, clearlyher husband is up to some BS
(23:35):
because why is this random womanmessaging me on Instagram?
So I screenshot it and I sent itto her and I was like, do you
know this person?
And then I continued theconversation with the person and
then she, she had told me whathappened, right?
This person I don't even knowwho wasn't even that close with
her told me what happened.
(24:00):
And I was like, no way, no way,no way.
Then my mind went back to thattext and how I hadn't heard from
her since, which was justunheard of.
And it's funny, I'm like sittingin the exact spot in my room
where I just collapsed.
I was outside and I'd gottenhome from work and like checked
my phone before going inside.
(24:23):
And I walked into the house andI was just like crying and I
just, I just came over to mybed, which I now have a new bed,
but that bed and I just fell tomy knees and just collapsed on
the side of my bed and I juststarted crying so hard.
(24:51):
It's funny.
My memory isn't that great, butwhen it comes to stuff like
this, it's like, it's like I canjust transport myself right back
to that moment sometimes.
Um, and you know, I practicedoing that from a distance now,
like watching it instead ofliving it.
But, Ooh.
Yeah.
Anyway, I have to start wrappingthis up because I do have to get
(25:14):
going to therapy, but that's,that's it.
That day, that day was acatalyst for like a complete
shattering of my life andbreaking me open.
(25:38):
And breaking me open to becomethe person that I am today.
I am a completely differentperson like this.
I know that, you know, storiesare one thing and plays and just
writings in general are, it justfeels like this was a turning
(25:58):
point in my life.
You know, there's grief, Youknow, I've, I've lost people
before, I've lost people since,but like, this was something
different, like it shattered mein a different way, um, and I
had to learn to put the piecesback, I had to do that bit by
(26:22):
bit, piece by piece, um, andthat was something that I'd
never Done before and inlearning about that.
It's made me a different person,right?
And so hmm, I'm just goingthrough my Talking points
(26:54):
because I do have to leave infour minutes And I'm seeing
which of these I'm going to canright so I think actually I'm
going to Start to wrap up herebecause next week I'm going to
be talking about Actually, letme not lie to your face, lie to
(27:19):
your ears.
Next week I'm going to betalking about, yeah, so in the
following months what happenedfor me.
Um, a lot of my talking pointsfor this episode kind of
include, you know, how thishappening, you know, impacted my
(27:42):
relationship with self care andstuff, but I'm going to get into
that more in the next few weeks.
So I'm just going to leave youwith this.
I hope that's okay.
Um, definitely come back nextweek for the next part of the
story and how it, how beingbroken, right, shattered,
completely shattered, um, howone That's not the end, how it
(28:09):
might feel like the end, how Ithought it was the end, and how
bad things got for me self carewise that it felt like the end.
Um, dang, I lost my train ofthought.
But yeah, I'm gonna continue thestory, and it'll be less about
the end.
You know, what happened with herand more about what started to
(28:31):
happen with me on the inside andthen in the following weeks, how
I, here we go, that's where mythought was going, how I put
things back together, whichsometimes was very lonely and
felt by myself.
And then other times I had.
(28:51):
And how that help is necessary.
Like sure, you can try to putyourself back together, right?
Um, I think, I've been watchingAlright, don't judge me.
I was watching Call of Duty, uh,Black Ops 6 gameplay.
Cause I'm more of a watcher andnot a player.
I do play stuff, but not stufflike that.
(29:12):
And, I watch a lot of gameplayvideos.
And actually, you know what,that's not a good example.
Far Cry.
is a good example of there arecertain little animations in
there where if you get hurt,right, and then you have to heal
yourself, you know, most gamesthey'll just show you healing,
they'll show the health bargoing up.
(29:32):
Far Cry will show like, oh, thething that needs to be healed is
that you just broke your hand oryou just dislocated a finger or
whatever.
And then it'll take a moment tolike show you the hands and then
like the one hand will heal,like will relocate.
Or whatever the term is, it'llput the finger back, right?
(29:56):
And there's different ones fordifferent injuries, right?
And so you can put yourself backtogether, but it's incredibly
difficult to do it.
Whereas, you know, if youweren't stranded on an island
that's being taken over by someevil group of power hungry
people, then You would just goto the doctor and the doctor
(30:22):
could fix it for you.
Or you could lean on a friendwho knows some things to help
put your finger back, or todistract you while you put, you
know what I mean?
Anyway, that was a roundaboutway of saying, I will be talking
about that as well.
So, thank you so much forlistening this far.
And I will see you next week.
(30:42):
But, before I go go, I just wantyou to, one, if this did trigger
you a bit, take some time forself care.
Whether you have a therapist,and maybe you haven't been going
or whatever, and you schedule atherapy session for yourself,
maybe journal it out, I Uh,maybe, you know, reach out to
(31:05):
your support, your community,whoever, right?
It doesn't have to be anythingmajor.
Um, and then I invite you to Youdon't know what to do for
self-care or if you're justcurious, I am offering my
self-care checklist for freethis December.
(31:26):
Um, and so all you have to do toget it is text glow to 6 6 7 2 2
2 3 7 9 8.
Again, that is glow GLOW to 6 67 2 2 2 3 7 9, 8.
Um, and with that.
By texting that you'll get theself care checklist, but you'll
(31:46):
also get the, um, I'll just sendyou like, it's about 10 days of
like encouragement and glow uptexts and tips and just all the
love that I can no longer pourinto Desiree, I put into those
texts and also my single momsanctuary, which I offer through
(32:08):
those texts as well.
So yes.
Lastly, I just want you to knowyou don't have to do this alone.
There is a world of supportwaiting for you.
You just have to take the firststep and find it.
Or reach out.
You may already know where itis.
But you just have to take thatfirst step and reach out.
(32:30):
Okay?
And one last little thing.
I just have to do this.
I had to come back and do thisand it's going to make me late
for therapy, but I just wantedto dedicate this episode to
Desiree because despite beinggone, her light continues to
(32:51):
guide me and through me, itguides so many.
Um, and I'm just incrediblygrateful.
Doesn't it's grateful.
Sounds like a teensy wordcompared to how I feel.
Thank you for listening.
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