June 4, 2025 • 34 mins
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Most couples will spend a year planning their wedding but barely a moment envisioning their actual marriage. In this eye-opening conversation with Verlyn Tarlton, author and host of "The Before You Do Podcast", we explore the critical conversations every couple should have before walking down the aisle.
Verlyn shares how she started her podcast after years of having the same conversation with women who all expressed one common regret: "Why didn't I know this before I got married?" Drawing from decades of personal experience and coaching couples, she explains why marriage requires effort—not just work—and how proper preparation can prevent the shock many newlyweds feel once the honeymoon phase ends.
The discussion dives into what it means to create a shared vision for marriage, comparing it to how businesses operate with mission statements and clear objectives. Verlyn emphasizes that couples must discuss expectations openly, examining how their unique backgrounds and family histories shape their views on everything from conflict resolution to parenting approaches. These conversations might feel unromantic, but they're essential for building a foundation that will sustain a lifetime together.
One particularly powerful insight is the distinction between supportive partners and professional help. While your spouse should be your person, they shouldn't be your only support system—especially when dealing with past trauma. As Verlyn notes, "A fresh start is not a fresh start if you don't deal with old traumas." The conversation also explores the value of pre-marriage coaching with an unbiased third party who can help identify issues without taking sides.
Whether you're engaged, newly married, or simply curious about building stronger relationships, this episode offers practical wisdom for approaching marriage with intention rather than just idealism. Listen now to discover why investing in your marriage before saying "I do" might be the most important wedding planning you'll ever do.
Find and follow Verlyn and her podcast here:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorverlyn.tarlton
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1dwQ9IbAJfR2FwmP9ThTzV?si=1027ccf3923d4918
Website: https://verlyntarlton.com/
Thank you for sharing the podcast with others who may enjoy it! Share your funny wedding stories with me at theweddingwherepodcast@gmail.com. Any links referenced are on linktree.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Welcome to the Wedding Wherewith officiating by Amanda.
So this week on the WeddingWhere, a very special episode,
(00:30):
as we are going to dive into thefirst of what I'm calling
vendor interviews, or partners,partners in marriage and in love
interviews.
We got Verlyn.
I'm going to let her introduceherself and give a little bit
more of what she does, but, muchlike we've had with our brides,
she's going to give a reallywonderful take and look about
weddings and, unlike the bridalinterviews that we've done so
(00:51):
far, it's not just that onewedding, that one day, that one
couple.
She's bringing expertise fromacross a wide set and I also
will shout out that she has herown podcast.
And please, shamelessly plugyourself.
I'll have links in my link treeas well so that you are able to
find her on there and keep allof the love and sharing going.
(01:13):
So, with all that in the mindand realm, who the heck are you
and how did you get starteddoing what you do in both a
pre-wedding couples space aswell as as a podcaster?
Verlyn (01:27):
Absolutely.
First of all, I want to saythank you, amanda, for having me
.
I do appreciate it.
I do not take it lightly whensomeone brings you into their
personal space.
I believe that that is huge tobe trusted with that.
So, again, thank you for havingme, and my name is Verlyn
Tarleton.
That's T like ThomasA-R-L-T-O-N, and I am a woman
(01:51):
who gets excited about allthings love, logic and marriage.
That is my thing.
I love the whole concept oflove and being happily married,
of love and being happilymarried.
And I also am a podcast, as youmentioned.
I am an author, an accomplishedauthor, and I'm always writing.
(02:17):
I love the beach and I lovebooks and so, at heart, I am
definitely a teacher.
I started my podcast, which iscalled The Before you Do Podcast
, because of so manyconversations I have had down
through I would say about adecade, with young ladies in
particular and some of my ownpeers, and we always had
discussions about all the thingswe were learning as we were
(02:41):
going, and for the young peopleit was more.
I had the experience and theywere just having questions about
this and telling me what wasgoing on and I could speak in a
way to them of understandingbecause I had gone through those
things.
But I noticed a running patternthat we all felt the same way.
(03:01):
Why didn't I know this beforewe got married?
Why didn't somebody tell methis before I got married?
And it's not always a negativething, but it was a thing
because marriage has so manynuances.
I used to say that marriageswork, but I've started to
reframe that and I say marriagerequires effort.
Okay, and so in that state ofmind, if we have a little better
(03:28):
understanding or idea of whatto expect, we can kind of gauge
the effort that we're going tohave to put into this thing
called marriage.
And so when I would hearcommonalities about issues or
problems that were presented,and then the question behind
that was I wish I had known thatbefore I got married, I wish I
had known this, and when I wouldhelp you know, offer advice or
(03:53):
sometimes just a listening ear,I would notice first of all I
had empathy because I had beenthrough these things before,
because it's not like everythingis so different.
You know, we all kind of gothrough the same things,
especially that first year ortwo when we're adjusting.
And so I had someone, maybeabout a year ago, say you know
what.
You should talk about this on abigger scale.
(04:15):
Lots of my friends need to hearthis, you know.
And she was really encouragingme to kind of get out there some
kind of way on social media andhave these conversations,
because she felt what I wassaying was valuable and I was
like you know what?
Yeah, I think that's a goodidea because I know I felt the
(04:35):
same way when I got married.
I felt there was was so much Ididn't know, so much I didn't
understand, and I just, you know, you wind up in this place and
you're just in shock after thethrill is gone, like BB King
says, and now you're like OK, sothis is how we have to do this.
And so that's how I got started.
(04:56):
I started researching how tostart a podcast and I started
the podcast and I like it.
And I started the podcast and Ilike it, or I love it, because
I feel like it's a better reach,because you're reaching more
people versus lots ofconversations, and then you can
also that person shares, and Ifeel like this is my way of
(05:18):
giving back, if I can preventother couples, especially ladies
, going into shock when they getpast the I'm in love, giddy
feelings and say, okay, I reallygot to put forth some effort.
Then to me it's all worthwhileto share the things I have
learned down through the decadesof being married and hopefully
(05:39):
to help make someone what is theword more, like I said,
knowledgeable and prepared forthe effort, and they appreciate
it because then you're not soshocked.
So that's how I got started.
I had always been writing andso now, as a writer, to sit and
craft you know these podcastsand have these guests, it all
(06:02):
kind of merges together and I'mvery thankful to be able to do
that.
Amanda (06:06):
I had a kind of a marathon day yesterday.
I met with a couple for abooking, consultation,
everything like that, an oldercouple.
They're not the first timearound the block with
relationships, but it's thefirst time getting married.
And they had asked you know,can we be really realistic in
the vows?
(06:26):
And then, you know, the bridewas very specific.
I don't want to say, don't goto bed angry.
She's like that is thestupidest thing I've ever heard.
And the groom was like, yeah,and you know you take different
approaches based off of what youwere raised in and what you've
seen.
There are some couples who neversaw their parents fight.
(06:48):
Maybe it's because it was onlya one-parent household.
So who are you going to fightwith?
Other times it was theconversations of character and
concern were behind closed doors.
And then you have other couplesthat throughout their childhood
witnessed very visual, veryverbal arguments and how that
adjusts for people of what theyconsider a fight to be.
(07:11):
I have always found fascinating.
I'll get you know, raise myvoice a little bit with my
husband.
He'll go.
Why are you yelling at me?
And I'm like I'm not, I'm notyelling at you.
So some of those differentterminologies I'm sure from the
work that you do really pick up.
Interestingly and as I ended myday yesterday with a wedding, I
(07:32):
have a part that I ask everycouple to fill out a little
survey and I have them answerthe question.
I'm sure that my spouse doesblank because it annoys me, or
you know, it's that littleirksome pet peeve.
They might not do itmaliciously because it annoys me
, or you know, it's that littleirksome pet peeve.
They might not do itmaliciously because it annoys
you, but it comes into play thatthey just can't seem to
remember not to do it and it'snot something big.
(07:55):
However, I have found thatyounger couples will very
quickly skip the question on thequestionnaire, or I had one
bride write will very quicklyskip the question on the
questionnaire, or I had onebride write.
This is really passive,aggressive and I don't know
maybe how I have to reword it,but my older couples, couples
that have been together forlonger than a year, have really
(08:16):
done some things.
They all laugh at it and theylove it and some of the funniest
answers.
I was sharing with a wonderfulmarried gentleman last night.
He and his husband had beentogether for 35 years and he
goes oh, I love the answers thatthe couple gave.
I said, well, what would yougive?
And he goes.
My husband puts his shoes onfirst thing in the morning
upstairs in our room and thenclamps around the upstairs,
(08:40):
clamps down the stairs.
I can hear him clomping allthroughout the house and that,
just every time, just irks me.
Gosh darn, it, can't you putyour shoes on by the door like a
normal person?
And I said, okay, and what doyou think he'd say about you?
And he goes.
Oh, there's far too many to nameHis one little flaw.
You know he's got a book on me,but I have found that fun too
(09:03):
is that some of the couples thatare still in that all that you
do is great and love andrainbows and unicorns and the
sun shines out of extraneousplaces, haven't quite gotten
annoyed by it.
The fact that there's fiveseconds left on the microwave
and you pulled the food out andyou could not restart the button
.
What and this is probably goingto be really hard for you to
(09:30):
hammer down, because I know thatyou are so invested in this
work, but what would you say isthe one thing you love most
about the work that you havesome of the understanding that I
have to bring about someclarity and to bring about
understanding.
Verlyn (10:08):
To me, that's huge when you can talk with someone and
they understand that you getthem.
I don't know how really that'swhat I see.
It's nothing like when somebodygets you.
You know what I mean.
Not just well, okay, we had fun, and I'm glad you told me this,
(10:28):
but when they understand that Ireally get them, and so at that
point it's much easier to havethe conversation because they
understand that I understandwhere they're coming from, that
I'm not someone who's so superexperienced and so wise beyond
(10:51):
my years that I can't get themright in the midst of
frustration in front, in themidst of maybe, rage, you know,
just like I cannot believe this,this, and I can say, look, I
get it, I get you, and then Ican share a story because I have
many that is relatable andthat's another key word to be
(11:15):
able to be relatable, to havesomeone to trust me in that
space where they say, okay, shegets me, and now I can let this
out, and then I can come backand say something that can
either be comforting or, like Isaid, where the light bulb just
goes off and they're like, yeah,she gets me, and now there's
(11:37):
hope you know I don't have tofeel hopeless that, yeah,
somebody else went through this,and not only did they go
through it, they made it throughand everybody's still alive,
right?
No one met their demise, right,no one met their demise, and so
I think that is the best thing.
I also really enjoy creatingthese topics.
(12:00):
I'm a writer.
That is my true passion, and sowhen I get to sit down and
either think of questions forthe interview or I have, when I
first decided I'm going to startthis podcast because I know I
can help people and my titleBefore you Do the one I wanted
(12:21):
was taken it was like somethingbefore you say I do, or
something like that.
And so my premise of Before youDo is things you should at
least consider before youactually say I do.
And so I began to write downall the things I wish I had
known, and I was at 20, and thenI was at 30.
(12:43):
And then I wrote down 99 topics, which equated to 99 episodes,
and some of them had like a parttwo, right, and so just to be
in that creative space, to beable to think something and then
have a interesting, relevantconversation about it, where
(13:04):
somebody would hit me up and sayoh man, that was great.
Oh, I really didn't think aboutthat, but thanks for pointing
(13:24):
that out Like it is a visioncome true.
Amanda (13:28):
The empathy and commonalities with couples is
kind of also greeting them at astage of, hey, I'm no better, I
am human.
I've got some insights in thisspace, you're going to have
insights in your space and we'rejust going to mesh together,
especially couples that comefrom a little more of a
religious background and aren'tyou know?
They hear a minister title andthey go okay, how do I address
(13:52):
you?
And I'm like, let me give you alittle bit more background,
like I've done this manyweddings.
They have not been churches,they have not been here.
You know I'm, I don't have aproblem coming to your cabin in
the woods and, okay, yourgroomsman has a little Budweiser
shirt on underneath his buttonup, that just sounds like fun
man.
So certainly empathizing inthat space and something again
(14:13):
for you to think about.
I'm sure you will never run outof elements on the before you
say you know, before you say Ido, even though you know, but
thinking of even myself, withour move that we have going, or
people as they think ofengagement, people as they think
of babies all of those areactions.
(14:34):
Before you do any of those,there should be thoughts and
concerns.
So maybe a branch out for youif you ever run out of topics
before you do large lifedecision, before you do a house
move, before you do and quityour job.
What about insurance?
How you know, how do younavigate those feelings of I'm
not financially contributingright now?
Does that change my self-worth?
(14:55):
I just think that with yourwide experiences and the wisdom
and knowledge that you havecould certainly be some bigger
fortes out there if you ever ranout of topics.
But I think, yeah, every couplepresents some uniqueness in
their challenges, but alsothere's inherent universal
(15:18):
things with it, which is whatyou certainly connect in with.
I've been there.
You know it might not be theexact same shade of blue, but
I've been in the blue spectrumbefore, and so, yeah, let's talk
about it.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
Has there, has there ever been,you know someone that you've
(15:38):
worked with, given advice to,and they just they didn't.
It went in one ear out theother.
You know they were already onthe path that they're on.
They didn't heed it, theydidn't hear it, and how has that
kind of made you feel or kindof shaped the work that you aim
to do?
Now?
I know a lot of it.
You're take it or leave it.
I'm just putting it out there,you know, is there a background
where people have totally leftit?
Verlyn (16:00):
I can't say that.
It is because most of the timeI'm dealing with the ladies and
I don't recall any time whenanyone really felt like, well,
let's put it this way, theydidn't say it to my face, you
know.
They would just say you knowyou're right and we can
(16:21):
implement this, etc.
But I have not had a time yetwhere anyone has just said, well
, you know, that doesn't makesense to me or we're not going
to do that.
I have walked with people,ladies, and encouraged them.
And here's the thing, because Ido the premarital coaching,
(16:43):
right, and that's where you sitdown and you work things
together.
I am not saying do this, dothat, don't do this, don't do
that.
But I will encourage certainbehaviors or certain actions.
And sometimes you will getpeople and you know that woman
is trying to save her marriage,right, and you're trying to help
(17:07):
encourage that.
And deep down it's like I'msaying I know this isn't going
to work, right, but I don't wantto ever encourage anyone to
divorce a spouse.
But I have had to encouragepeople to look really carefully
(17:28):
to see if this is the healthiestplace for them to be, and so I
have had one woman in particularwho stayed in a very unhealthy
place.
For a while it shows up, andthen I've had those who stayed,
but then the light came on.
(17:49):
They're like you know I'm out,and then you have some.
Well, you know, you tried toencourage them to stay and you
said you know how you can seethat light at the end of the
tunnel and you know they'regoing to make their own decision
, but they would leave.
And so, like I said, no one hasactually said oh no, I disagree
(18:09):
or I'm going to do whatever.
Anyway.
You just don't know necessarilywhat happens.
Until you know what happens, oryou just never know.
But for the most part it'susually positive feedback, it's
usually things that areagreeable, and so I know I'm
sure one day it'll happen andyou know, and it's if it does,
(18:33):
it does.
Again, I am not in a positionwhere I'm telling anybody what
to do or what not to do, andthat's what's important, because
with coaching it's just likethat.
You're working around, you'reworking with each other to help
go through these things.
So I haven't had anyone to myface actually say that, but you
never know what's really goingon.
(18:54):
But I can see that people arestill together, so that's a good
thing.
Amanda (18:59):
I've had a few couples.
I've started to learn to sayfew couples because, if not, I
say, oh, I've had a couple ofcouples, which makes me laugh.
But I've had a few couples who,again, they've grown up more
church-based, so they're readyfor premarital counseling, and
they've asked you know, hey, doyou do that service?
And I stayed out.
Hey, I could facilitate aconversation, and the one I did,
(19:21):
the couple was much moreexpecting me to almost take a
side, you know, and I'm like, no, no, I'm just dropping the
issue down the table and prettymuch putting a timer on it.
Or, you know, you all tell me,yes, we've had've had this
conversation.
Oh, we still need to hammer outa few things.
(19:42):
Like I would, in theconversation, be like, hey, kids
, have you talked about kids?
Have you decided that you wantkids?
Have you decided to what levelyou might financially invest to
have kids?
If it doesn't happen, naturallyare you both on the same page
with the number of kids.
Here you go.
And the one was like, well,what?
(20:02):
Like I say one, he says two,which should we do?
And I'm like, oh, no, no,that's that is not for me.
Happy to let you all work itout a little bit more and give
you more prompts, but I by nomeans I'm kind of getting into
space and I always do wonder,like, okay, you know, I hope
I've removed myself enough fromthe situations because you want
(20:25):
them to make their own decisions.
They need to.
They're the ones who are goingto be in this relationship day
in and day out, and just how itcomes together.
And couples are alwaysfascinating and interesting.
I love the ones that will askfor advice.
I kind of don't give you knowexact, I go with a hey, you know
(20:51):
, these are traditional, theseare trends, this is what I've
seen, what I would say unto youfrom my own personal self to do,
because I am not you, and theygo oh, yes, okay, I understand,
thank you, pivot to a 180 and dosomething really different.
I kind of chuckle a bit.
I'm like, okay, well, I'm gladI spent a few minutes on that.
(21:13):
Onto the next page, onto thenext to go.
And what I've found unique is afew couples who they're striving
, on wedding day, to wrapeverything up with a beautiful,
perfect bow that they want it tobe okay.
This is the day our new lifebegins.
(21:34):
This is the day it's legal.
This is our marriage.
This is the license.
This is the day it's legal.
This is our marriage.
This is the license andunfortunately, not all couples
are ready for it to be rightthere.
There are some that the start oftheir new life, as you call it,
isn't at wedding day.
Either, you know, maybe they'removing from a parent's house or
(21:58):
condensing apartments andactually they're not getting
that live together, newlywedexperience, and that won't start
for a few more months, or maybethey've already been together
for eight or nine years.
The wedding makes it legal.
You know it doesn't.
That's not when your adventurebegins, and I've had a few who
have been struggling with someissues and have asked you know,
(22:19):
can we still have this wedding,this big ceremony, and not have
a marriage?
We have a license, but we don'twant to sign it yet, or we don't
want you to sign it yet,because we're still figuring out
what it is we want to do.
We don't want to cause concernwith our family and our friends
and cancel a wedding and loseout on thousands and thousands
(22:40):
and thousands of dollars.
But we also don't want to causeconcern with our family and our
friends and cancel a weddingand lose out on thousands and
thousands and thousands ofdollars.
But we also don't want to maybea year from now, have to turn
around and file for a divorcewith also thousands and
thousands and thousands ofdollars.
In which case I'm like, hey,I'm not going to tell you this
or that, you've already madeyour decisions, that you want to
keep the ceremony.
(23:01):
You don't want it to be legal.
I have to tell you that if youpresent me with a license, I
have to sign it and I have toreturn it if you present me with
a license.
If you don't, you forgot it atyour house.
It's in the back truck.
You want to figure it out later?
That is fine.
But if you give it to me, I gotto sign it and they're like
(23:27):
okay, and I said and if youdecide later on, you do want to
get married at the end, you knowyou want the license signed and
your license has expired.
It's $65 to go get a new one.
That is a drop in the bucketcompared to what divorce would
be and compared to whatcanceling out a wedding would be
.
All avenues are right.
I've had couples cancel fullweddings.
I've had couples get fulldivorced.
I've had couples kind of meetin the middle and do the
(23:49):
ceremony, and no license.
So it's just trying to findwhat makes sense to them,
because everyone's a little bitdifferent.
Verlyn (23:58):
That's interesting to them, because everyone's a
little bit different.
That's interesting.
That makes me think about thisis one thing.
When I talk to ladies andeither they're really really
ready to get married, maybe notengaged yet, or they're engaged,
and I ask or I suggest to themyou know, while you have this
time, spend the time, spend moretime planning your marriage
(24:23):
than you do your wedding day.
I know people who start a yearin advance.
I mean, and the money that'sput out, and I often wonder how
much of this planning isincluding the actual marriage.
And so I'm always encouragingthe ladies look, spend more time
, and if it costs money forcounseling or whatever on your
(24:45):
marriage, your wedding day it'sgoing to come, it's going to be
spectacular, but it's going tobe over in a matter of some
hours.
And then you have yourhoneymoon, but the marriage,
supposedly you know you'replanning that this is going to
be a lifetime.
And so one of the things I ambig on now that I had no idea,
because no one told me have avision, have a vision.
(25:09):
When you go to a job, they tellyou this is our vision, this is
our mission statement, howwe're going to carry this out,
this is the goal, and I'm notsaying it has to be so robotic
or unromantic.
However, two people should havea vision of what they want this
one marriage to look like, andwhat does that mean?
(25:29):
That means, what are yourexpectations Right?
What are your expectations foryourself?
What are your expectations foryour spouse?
What does marriage look like toyou?
These are questions I'm askingbecause you may bring to the
table well, my parents.
They were married 55 years.
This is how marriage looks tome, and that might look totally
(25:51):
different from a parent or a setof parents who were married 55
years, but they did itdifferently.
Or it may be my parents weremarried for 55 years and the
other person well, my parentswere divorced and what they saw
was different.
And so you have to have theseunromantic conversations because
(26:12):
you have two people withdifferent perspectives,
different life experiences, andyet we're trying to craft one
life together, one marriage, butwe're putting all of our time
and attention into what the cakeis going to look like, what the
colors are, what the dressesare.
I don't even know what youexpect from me More than just
(26:33):
love me.
I just want to be in love.
Well, let's get beyond that,all right.
What does your vision ofmarriage look like?
What are your expectations?
What does marriage even looklike to you?
You brought up having children.
If you have children, do youwant to both work?
Do you want someone to stayhome?
(26:54):
You have to have theseconversations If you know that
you have had some childhoodtrauma and you know would be an
advantage to get therapy.
If you've been divorced, if youlost a spouse in death, if you
were just abandoned, you mayneed some therapy to work
(27:19):
through these things before youjoin with someone else, because
a fresh start is not a freshstart if you don't deal with the
old traumas, and that's huge.
Amanda (27:30):
And your spouse can be such a great support system, but
they should not be your onlysupport system, and even if they
are a licensed therapist, theyshould not be your only support
system.
And they, even if they are alicensed therapist, they are not
your therapist, because thereare some issues that no, no one
singular, average human is builtto deal with.
(27:52):
You know, you need the training, you need the insight, you need
the formal knowledge.
It's like I I joke and call myhusband my pharmacist.
You know I'll wake up and go onmy stomach and you know he goes
all right, let me look throughthe cabinet.
What are your symptoms?
What do you have?
We jokingly, but he is by nomeans.
If there was somethingsignificantly wrong, he is not
my doctor.
He can put a band-aid on me,but he is not my primary care
(28:16):
physician, nor, nor should he be, nor should I trust him to be.
So let your spouse be yourperson, but not far beyond the
beginning levels of your person.
Verlyn (28:29):
Yeah, that therapy can be very key and that's where
some time and some resourcesshould be going into, because,
if not, those issues don'tdissipate because you marry
someone else.
They are still there.
And another thing is gettingthe pre-marriage coaching, which
is something separate, becauseyou need a third party that's
(28:53):
unbiased to say, okay, I'mlistening, now what do you think
?
Biased, to say, okay, I'mlistening, now what do you think
?
How do you feel about this?
And then bring the two mindstogether to solve these issues.
And so, yeah, I'm all aboutpre-marriage coaching as well as
after coaching, becausemarriage is just like a job.
(29:13):
It's on the job training.
It doesn't matter how manypodcasts you listen to.
It doesn't matter how muchcounseling, coaching.
You're going to be learningsomething all the time.
It's a learning lifelongprocess, but it doesn't mean it
has to be a horrible thing.
That's why you have a thirdparty, that's why you understand
(29:37):
you can go back to your vision,you can go back to your
expectation and say, well, hey,we agreed upon this.
How can we make this work?
And one of the things I alwaystell, I always say, is the
husband is not the problem, thewife is not the problem, the
problem is the problem and whenyou go to a third party coach,
(30:00):
they can help you.
If you cannot, they can helpyou identify and clarify the
problem and then you can cometogether to work it out.
But often we look and say sheis this, she does that, she did
she is the problem.
No, it's not that she is theproblem.
Maybe there's a habit, maybethere's some logic behind that
(30:23):
where we need understanding.
But the person, your person isnot the problem.
It's identifying and thenclarifying that and then coming
together to work on that andwork through that, and that's
why a third party that'sunbiased can help do that.
You mentioned something about apastor and they can be good.
(30:45):
But if this is your pastor,since you were three, you know,
and he loves you so much andhe's not going to want to hurt
your little feelings because nowyou know he has a bias towards
you.
So when you get a third partywho doesn't like one more than
the other and he's notnecessarily or she's not there
to pacify one because they know,then you can get some good
(31:10):
coaching, some good advice thatyou can braid together and you
can solve these problems.
Amanda (31:16):
You know, does that make sense?
Oh, it does.
And in adding into that, Iwould certainly say, problems
that come back again.
And being, you know, kind ofknowing hey, we've, we've
addressed this before versusthis is now a different time, a
different circumstance, adifferent take, and with my own
(31:37):
friends, my own personal life,you know, if you're revisiting
the same conversation over andover again, again, with the same
finances are the samecircumstances, are the same,
timing's the same, but you'rehaving that same conversation
again and again, right, hey,what did we not hit home the
first time?
You know, maybe that's why youneed to take it.
(31:59):
Hey, let's go to the drawingboard.
Obviously, if I'm having toreiterate this again and again
and again, something's notmeshing.
Let's see how we, how wetranslate it over with the help
of a third person.
And then my, my second point inthis is you might have already
had the conversation and you'relike wait, why are they bringing
(32:20):
it up again?
Why is this coming back to ourdoorstep?
And is it because the situationsame thing, with the exact same
time, the exact samecircumstances?
Know when you might need to getthird party support to be able
(32:45):
to really put an issue to bed,to not keep revisiting that
wheel For the next episode ofthe Wedding Where, Next episode
of the Wedding Wear.
I'm continuing my conversationwith Verlyn.
We've got some really greattips from her on how to have the
(33:06):
conversations ahead of time,the whole entire focus of before
you do, as well as a veryinteresting the Wedding Wear
from her perspective.
Wedding Where with forlistening to the Wedding Wear
with Officiating by Amanda.
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode and found some
(33:27):
inspiration or insight for yourown special day.
and can be found on all majorplatforms.
If you haven't already, pleasesubscribe, like, comment and
share to help us reach even morelisteners who might laugh a
little at the Wedding Wear.
For the links referenced in theshow, visit Linktree at
Officiating by Amanda.
You can also follow thebusiness on Facebook,
(33:50):
weddingwire and the Knot to stayup to date on everything going
on.
If you have a question you'dlike me to answer on the podcast
, just send an email totheweddingwearpodcast at
gmailcom, and if you're ready toinquire about officiating
services for your own big day,you can reach me at
officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom.
Thank you so much for tuning inand until next time.
(34:11):
This has been Amanda.
Welcome to the Wedding Wherewith officiating by Amanda.
So this week on the WeddingWhere, a very special episode,
(00:30):
as we are going to dive into thefirst of what I'm calling
vendor interviews, or partners,partners in marriage and in love
interviews.
We got Verlyn.
I'm going to let her introduceherself and give a little bit
more of what she does, but, muchlike we've had with our brides,
she's going to give a reallywonderful take and look about
weddings and, unlike the bridalinterviews that we've done so
(00:51):
far, it's not just that onewedding, that one day, that one
couple.
She's bringing expertise fromacross a wide set and I also
will shout out that she has herown podcast.
And please, shamelessly plugyourself.
I'll have links in my link treeas well so that you are able to
find her on there and keep allof the love and sharing going.
(01:13):
So, with all that in the mindand realm, who the heck are you
and how did you get starteddoing what you do in both a
pre-wedding couples space aswell as as a podcaster?
Verlyn (01:27):
Absolutely.
First of all, I want to saythank you, amanda, for having me
.
I do appreciate it.
I do not take it lightly whensomeone brings you into their
personal space.
I believe that that is huge tobe trusted with that.
So, again, thank you for havingme, and my name is Verlyn
Tarleton.
That's T like ThomasA-R-L-T-O-N, and I am a woman
(01:51):
who gets excited about allthings love, logic and marriage.
That is my thing.
I love the whole concept oflove and being happily married,
of love and being happilymarried.
And I also am a podcast, as youmentioned.
I am an author, an accomplishedauthor, and I'm always writing.
(02:17):
I love the beach and I lovebooks and so, at heart, I am
definitely a teacher.
I started my podcast, which iscalled The Before you Do Podcast
, because of so manyconversations I have had down
through I would say about adecade, with young ladies in
particular and some of my ownpeers, and we always had
discussions about all the thingswe were learning as we were
(02:41):
going, and for the young peopleit was more.
I had the experience and theywere just having questions about
this and telling me what wasgoing on and I could speak in a
way to them of understandingbecause I had gone through those
things.
But I noticed a running patternthat we all felt the same way.
(03:01):
Why didn't I know this beforewe got married?
Why didn't somebody tell methis before I got married?
And it's not always a negativething, but it was a thing
because marriage has so manynuances.
I used to say that marriageswork, but I've started to
reframe that and I say marriagerequires effort.
Okay, and so in that state ofmind, if we have a little better
(03:28):
understanding or idea of whatto expect, we can kind of gauge
the effort that we're going tohave to put into this thing
called marriage.
And so when I would hearcommonalities about issues or
problems that were presented,and then the question behind
that was I wish I had known thatbefore I got married, I wish I
had known this, and when I wouldhelp you know, offer advice or
(03:53):
sometimes just a listening ear,I would notice first of all I
had empathy because I had beenthrough these things before,
because it's not like everythingis so different.
You know, we all kind of gothrough the same things,
especially that first year ortwo when we're adjusting.
And so I had someone, maybeabout a year ago, say you know
what.
You should talk about this on abigger scale.
(04:15):
Lots of my friends need to hearthis, you know.
And she was really encouragingme to kind of get out there some
kind of way on social media andhave these conversations,
because she felt what I wassaying was valuable and I was
like you know what?
Yeah, I think that's a goodidea because I know I felt the
(04:35):
same way when I got married.
I felt there was was so much Ididn't know, so much I didn't
understand, and I just, you know, you wind up in this place and
you're just in shock after thethrill is gone, like BB King
says, and now you're like OK, sothis is how we have to do this.
And so that's how I got started.
(04:56):
I started researching how tostart a podcast and I started
the podcast and I like it.
And I started the podcast and Ilike it, or I love it, because
I feel like it's a better reach,because you're reaching more
people versus lots ofconversations, and then you can
also that person shares, and Ifeel like this is my way of
(05:18):
giving back, if I can preventother couples, especially ladies
, going into shock when they getpast the I'm in love, giddy
feelings and say, okay, I reallygot to put forth some effort.
Then to me it's all worthwhileto share the things I have
learned down through the decadesof being married and hopefully
(05:39):
to help make someone what is theword more, like I said,
knowledgeable and prepared forthe effort, and they appreciate
it because then you're not soshocked.
So that's how I got started.
I had always been writing andso now, as a writer, to sit and
craft you know these podcastsand have these guests, it all
(06:02):
kind of merges together and I'mvery thankful to be able to do
that.
Amanda (06:06):
I had a kind of a marathon day yesterday.
I met with a couple for abooking, consultation,
everything like that, an oldercouple.
They're not the first timearound the block with
relationships, but it's thefirst time getting married.
And they had asked you know,can we be really realistic in
the vows?
(06:26):
And then, you know, the bridewas very specific.
I don't want to say, don't goto bed angry.
She's like that is thestupidest thing I've ever heard.
And the groom was like, yeah,and you know you take different
approaches based off of what youwere raised in and what you've
seen.
There are some couples who neversaw their parents fight.
(06:48):
Maybe it's because it was onlya one-parent household.
So who are you going to fightwith?
Other times it was theconversations of character and
concern were behind closed doors.
And then you have other couplesthat throughout their childhood
witnessed very visual, veryverbal arguments and how that
adjusts for people of what theyconsider a fight to be.
(07:11):
I have always found fascinating.
I'll get you know, raise myvoice a little bit with my
husband.
He'll go.
Why are you yelling at me?
And I'm like I'm not, I'm notyelling at you.
So some of those differentterminologies I'm sure from the
work that you do really pick up.
Interestingly and as I ended myday yesterday with a wedding, I
(07:32):
have a part that I ask everycouple to fill out a little
survey and I have them answerthe question.
I'm sure that my spouse doesblank because it annoys me, or
you know, it's that littleirksome pet peeve.
They might not do itmaliciously because it annoys me
, or you know, it's that littleirksome pet peeve.
They might not do itmaliciously because it annoys
you, but it comes into play thatthey just can't seem to
remember not to do it and it'snot something big.
(07:55):
However, I have found thatyounger couples will very
quickly skip the question on thequestionnaire, or I had one
bride write will very quicklyskip the question on the
questionnaire, or I had onebride write.
This is really passive,aggressive and I don't know
maybe how I have to reword it,but my older couples, couples
that have been together forlonger than a year, have really
(08:16):
done some things.
They all laugh at it and theylove it and some of the funniest
answers.
I was sharing with a wonderfulmarried gentleman last night.
He and his husband had beentogether for 35 years and he
goes oh, I love the answers thatthe couple gave.
I said, well, what would yougive?
And he goes.
My husband puts his shoes onfirst thing in the morning
upstairs in our room and thenclamps around the upstairs,
(08:40):
clamps down the stairs.
I can hear him clomping allthroughout the house and that,
just every time, just irks me.
Gosh darn, it, can't you putyour shoes on by the door like a
normal person?
And I said, okay, and what doyou think he'd say about you?
And he goes.
Oh, there's far too many to nameHis one little flaw.
You know he's got a book on me,but I have found that fun too
(09:03):
is that some of the couples thatare still in that all that you
do is great and love andrainbows and unicorns and the
sun shines out of extraneousplaces, haven't quite gotten
annoyed by it.
The fact that there's fiveseconds left on the microwave
and you pulled the food out andyou could not restart the button
.
What and this is probably goingto be really hard for you to
(09:30):
hammer down, because I know thatyou are so invested in this
work, but what would you say isthe one thing you love most
about the work that you havesome of the understanding that I
have to bring about someclarity and to bring about
understanding.
Verlyn (10:08):
To me, that's huge when you can talk with someone and
they understand that you getthem.
I don't know how really that'swhat I see.
It's nothing like when somebodygets you.
You know what I mean.
Not just well, okay, we had fun, and I'm glad you told me this,
(10:28):
but when they understand that Ireally get them, and so at that
point it's much easier to havethe conversation because they
understand that I understandwhere they're coming from, that
I'm not someone who's so superexperienced and so wise beyond
(10:51):
my years that I can't get themright in the midst of
frustration in front, in themidst of maybe, rage, you know,
just like I cannot believe this,this, and I can say, look, I
get it, I get you, and then Ican share a story because I have
many that is relatable andthat's another key word to be
(11:15):
able to be relatable, to havesomeone to trust me in that
space where they say, okay, shegets me, and now I can let this
out, and then I can come backand say something that can
either be comforting or, like Isaid, where the light bulb just
goes off and they're like, yeah,she gets me, and now there's
(11:37):
hope you know I don't have tofeel hopeless that, yeah,
somebody else went through this,and not only did they go
through it, they made it throughand everybody's still alive,
right?
No one met their demise, right,no one met their demise, and so
I think that is the best thing.
I also really enjoy creatingthese topics.
(12:00):
I'm a writer.
That is my true passion, and sowhen I get to sit down and
either think of questions forthe interview or I have, when I
first decided I'm going to startthis podcast because I know I
can help people and my titleBefore you Do the one I wanted
(12:21):
was taken it was like somethingbefore you say I do, or
something like that.
And so my premise of Before youDo is things you should at
least consider before youactually say I do.
And so I began to write downall the things I wish I had
known, and I was at 20, and thenI was at 30.
(12:43):
And then I wrote down 99 topics, which equated to 99 episodes,
and some of them had like a parttwo, right, and so just to be
in that creative space, to beable to think something and then
have a interesting, relevantconversation about it, where
(13:04):
somebody would hit me up and sayoh man, that was great.
Oh, I really didn't think aboutthat, but thanks for pointing
(13:24):
that out Like it is a visioncome true.
Amanda (13:28):
The empathy and commonalities with couples is
kind of also greeting them at astage of, hey, I'm no better, I
am human.
I've got some insights in thisspace, you're going to have
insights in your space and we'rejust going to mesh together,
especially couples that comefrom a little more of a
religious background and aren'tyou know?
They hear a minister title andthey go okay, how do I address
(13:52):
you?
And I'm like, let me give you alittle bit more background,
like I've done this manyweddings.
They have not been churches,they have not been here.
You know I'm, I don't have aproblem coming to your cabin in
the woods and, okay, yourgroomsman has a little Budweiser
shirt on underneath his buttonup, that just sounds like fun
man.
So certainly empathizing inthat space and something again
(14:13):
for you to think about.
I'm sure you will never run outof elements on the before you
say you know, before you say Ido, even though you know, but
thinking of even myself, withour move that we have going, or
people as they think ofengagement, people as they think
of babies all of those areactions.
(14:34):
Before you do any of those,there should be thoughts and
concerns.
So maybe a branch out for youif you ever run out of topics
before you do large lifedecision, before you do a house
move, before you do and quityour job.
What about insurance?
How you know, how do younavigate those feelings of I'm
not financially contributingright now?
Does that change my self-worth?
(14:55):
I just think that with yourwide experiences and the wisdom
and knowledge that you havecould certainly be some bigger
fortes out there if you ever ranout of topics.
But I think, yeah, every couplepresents some uniqueness in
their challenges, but alsothere's inherent universal
(15:18):
things with it, which is whatyou certainly connect in with.
I've been there.
You know it might not be theexact same shade of blue, but
I've been in the blue spectrumbefore, and so, yeah, let's talk
about it.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
Has there, has there ever been,you know someone that you've
(15:38):
worked with, given advice to,and they just they didn't.
It went in one ear out theother.
You know they were already onthe path that they're on.
They didn't heed it, theydidn't hear it, and how has that
kind of made you feel or kindof shaped the work that you aim
to do?
Now?
I know a lot of it.
You're take it or leave it.
I'm just putting it out there,you know, is there a background
where people have totally leftit?
Verlyn (16:00):
I can't say that.
It is because most of the timeI'm dealing with the ladies and
I don't recall any time whenanyone really felt like, well,
let's put it this way, theydidn't say it to my face, you
know.
They would just say you knowyou're right and we can
(16:21):
implement this, etc.
But I have not had a time yetwhere anyone has just said, well
, you know, that doesn't makesense to me or we're not going
to do that.
I have walked with people,ladies, and encouraged them.
And here's the thing, because Ido the premarital coaching,
(16:43):
right, and that's where you sitdown and you work things
together.
I am not saying do this, dothat, don't do this, don't do
that.
But I will encourage certainbehaviors or certain actions.
And sometimes you will getpeople and you know that woman
is trying to save her marriage,right, and you're trying to help
(17:07):
encourage that.
And deep down it's like I'msaying I know this isn't going
to work, right, but I don't wantto ever encourage anyone to
divorce a spouse.
But I have had to encouragepeople to look really carefully
(17:28):
to see if this is the healthiestplace for them to be, and so I
have had one woman in particularwho stayed in a very unhealthy
place.
For a while it shows up, andthen I've had those who stayed,
but then the light came on.
(17:49):
They're like you know I'm out,and then you have some.
Well, you know, you tried toencourage them to stay and you
said you know how you can seethat light at the end of the
tunnel and you know they'regoing to make their own decision
, but they would leave.
And so, like I said, no one hasactually said oh no, I disagree
(18:09):
or I'm going to do whatever.
Anyway.
You just don't know necessarilywhat happens.
Until you know what happens, oryou just never know.
But for the most part it'susually positive feedback, it's
usually things that areagreeable, and so I know I'm
sure one day it'll happen andyou know, and it's if it does,
(18:33):
it does.
Again, I am not in a positionwhere I'm telling anybody what
to do or what not to do, andthat's what's important, because
with coaching it's just likethat.
You're working around, you'reworking with each other to help
go through these things.
So I haven't had anyone to myface actually say that, but you
never know what's really goingon.
(18:54):
But I can see that people arestill together, so that's a good
thing.
Amanda (18:59):
I've had a few couples.
I've started to learn to sayfew couples because, if not, I
say, oh, I've had a couple ofcouples, which makes me laugh.
But I've had a few couples who,again, they've grown up more
church-based, so they're readyfor premarital counseling, and
they've asked you know, hey, doyou do that service?
And I stayed out.
Hey, I could facilitate aconversation, and the one I did,
(19:21):
the couple was much moreexpecting me to almost take a
side, you know, and I'm like, no, no, I'm just dropping the
issue down the table and prettymuch putting a timer on it.
Or, you know, you all tell me,yes, we've had've had this
conversation.
Oh, we still need to hammer outa few things.
(19:42):
Like I would, in theconversation, be like, hey, kids
, have you talked about kids?
Have you decided that you wantkids?
Have you decided to what levelyou might financially invest to
have kids?
If it doesn't happen, naturallyare you both on the same page
with the number of kids.
Here you go.
And the one was like, well,what?
(20:02):
Like I say one, he says two,which should we do?
And I'm like, oh, no, no,that's that is not for me.
Happy to let you all work itout a little bit more and give
you more prompts, but I by nomeans I'm kind of getting into
space and I always do wonder,like, okay, you know, I hope
I've removed myself enough fromthe situations because you want
(20:25):
them to make their own decisions.
They need to.
They're the ones who are goingto be in this relationship day
in and day out, and just how itcomes together.
And couples are alwaysfascinating and interesting.
I love the ones that will askfor advice.
I kind of don't give you knowexact, I go with a hey, you know
(20:51):
, these are traditional, theseare trends, this is what I've
seen, what I would say unto youfrom my own personal self to do,
because I am not you, and theygo oh, yes, okay, I understand,
thank you, pivot to a 180 and dosomething really different.
I kind of chuckle a bit.
I'm like, okay, well, I'm gladI spent a few minutes on that.
(21:13):
Onto the next page, onto thenext to go.
And what I've found unique is afew couples who they're striving
, on wedding day, to wrapeverything up with a beautiful,
perfect bow that they want it tobe okay.
This is the day our new lifebegins.
(21:34):
This is the day it's legal.
This is our marriage.
This is the license.
This is the day it's legal.
This is our marriage.
This is the license andunfortunately, not all couples
are ready for it to be rightthere.
There are some that the start oftheir new life, as you call it,
isn't at wedding day.
Either, you know, maybe they'removing from a parent's house or
(21:58):
condensing apartments andactually they're not getting
that live together, newlywedexperience, and that won't start
for a few more months, or maybethey've already been together
for eight or nine years.
The wedding makes it legal.
You know it doesn't.
That's not when your adventurebegins, and I've had a few who
have been struggling with someissues and have asked you know,
(22:19):
can we still have this wedding,this big ceremony, and not have
a marriage?
We have a license, but we don'twant to sign it yet, or we don't
want you to sign it yet,because we're still figuring out
what it is we want to do.
We don't want to cause concernwith our family and our friends
and cancel a wedding and loseout on thousands and thousands
(22:40):
and thousands of dollars.
But we also don't want to causeconcern with our family and our
friends and cancel a weddingand lose out on thousands and
thousands and thousands ofdollars.
But we also don't want to maybea year from now, have to turn
around and file for a divorcewith also thousands and
thousands and thousands ofdollars.
In which case I'm like, hey,I'm not going to tell you this
or that, you've already madeyour decisions, that you want to
keep the ceremony.
(23:01):
You don't want it to be legal.
I have to tell you that if youpresent me with a license, I
have to sign it and I have toreturn it if you present me with
a license.
If you don't, you forgot it atyour house.
It's in the back truck.
You want to figure it out later?
That is fine.
But if you give it to me, I gotto sign it and they're like
(23:27):
okay, and I said and if youdecide later on, you do want to
get married at the end, you knowyou want the license signed and
your license has expired.
It's $65 to go get a new one.
That is a drop in the bucketcompared to what divorce would
be and compared to whatcanceling out a wedding would be
.
All avenues are right.
I've had couples cancel fullweddings.
I've had couples get fulldivorced.
I've had couples kind of meetin the middle and do the
(23:49):
ceremony, and no license.
So it's just trying to findwhat makes sense to them,
because everyone's a little bitdifferent.
Verlyn (23:58):
That's interesting to them, because everyone's a
little bit different.
That's interesting.
That makes me think about thisis one thing.
When I talk to ladies andeither they're really really
ready to get married, maybe notengaged yet, or they're engaged,
and I ask or I suggest to themyou know, while you have this
time, spend the time, spend moretime planning your marriage
(24:23):
than you do your wedding day.
I know people who start a yearin advance.
I mean, and the money that'sput out, and I often wonder how
much of this planning isincluding the actual marriage.
And so I'm always encouragingthe ladies look, spend more time
, and if it costs money forcounseling or whatever on your
(24:45):
marriage, your wedding day it'sgoing to come, it's going to be
spectacular, but it's going tobe over in a matter of some
hours.
And then you have yourhoneymoon, but the marriage,
supposedly you know you'replanning that this is going to
be a lifetime.
And so one of the things I ambig on now that I had no idea,
because no one told me have avision, have a vision.
(25:09):
When you go to a job, they tellyou this is our vision, this is
our mission statement, howwe're going to carry this out,
this is the goal, and I'm notsaying it has to be so robotic
or unromantic.
However, two people should havea vision of what they want this
one marriage to look like, andwhat does that mean?
(25:29):
That means, what are yourexpectations Right?
What are your expectations foryourself?
What are your expectations foryour spouse?
What does marriage look like toyou?
These are questions I'm askingbecause you may bring to the
table well, my parents.
They were married 55 years.
This is how marriage looks tome, and that might look totally
(25:51):
different from a parent or a setof parents who were married 55
years, but they did itdifferently.
Or it may be my parents weremarried for 55 years and the
other person well, my parentswere divorced and what they saw
was different.
And so you have to have theseunromantic conversations because
(26:12):
you have two people withdifferent perspectives,
different life experiences, andyet we're trying to craft one
life together, one marriage, butwe're putting all of our time
and attention into what the cakeis going to look like, what the
colors are, what the dressesare.
I don't even know what youexpect from me More than just
(26:33):
love me.
I just want to be in love.
Well, let's get beyond that,all right.
What does your vision ofmarriage look like?
What are your expectations?
What does marriage even looklike to you?
You brought up having children.
If you have children, do youwant to both work?
Do you want someone to stayhome?
(26:54):
You have to have theseconversations If you know that
you have had some childhoodtrauma and you know would be an
advantage to get therapy.
If you've been divorced, if youlost a spouse in death, if you
were just abandoned, you mayneed some therapy to work
(27:19):
through these things before youjoin with someone else, because
a fresh start is not a freshstart if you don't deal with the
old traumas, and that's huge.
Amanda (27:30):
And your spouse can be such a great support system, but
they should not be your onlysupport system, and even if they
are a licensed therapist, theyshould not be your only support
system.
And they, even if they are alicensed therapist, they are not
your therapist, because thereare some issues that no, no one
singular, average human is builtto deal with.
(27:52):
You know, you need the training, you need the insight, you need
the formal knowledge.
It's like I I joke and call myhusband my pharmacist.
You know I'll wake up and go onmy stomach and you know he goes
all right, let me look throughthe cabinet.
What are your symptoms?
What do you have?
We jokingly, but he is by nomeans.
If there was somethingsignificantly wrong, he is not
my doctor.
He can put a band-aid on me,but he is not my primary care
(28:16):
physician, nor, nor should he be, nor should I trust him to be.
So let your spouse be yourperson, but not far beyond the
beginning levels of your person.
Verlyn (28:29):
Yeah, that therapy can be very key and that's where
some time and some resourcesshould be going into, because,
if not, those issues don'tdissipate because you marry
someone else.
They are still there.
And another thing is gettingthe pre-marriage coaching, which
is something separate, becauseyou need a third party that's
(28:53):
unbiased to say, okay, I'mlistening, now what do you think
?
Biased, to say, okay, I'mlistening, now what do you think
?
How do you feel about this?
And then bring the two mindstogether to solve these issues.
And so, yeah, I'm all aboutpre-marriage coaching as well as
after coaching, becausemarriage is just like a job.
(29:13):
It's on the job training.
It doesn't matter how manypodcasts you listen to.
It doesn't matter how muchcounseling, coaching.
You're going to be learningsomething all the time.
It's a learning lifelongprocess, but it doesn't mean it
has to be a horrible thing.
That's why you have a thirdparty, that's why you understand
(29:37):
you can go back to your vision,you can go back to your
expectation and say, well, hey,we agreed upon this.
How can we make this work?
And one of the things I alwaystell, I always say, is the
husband is not the problem, thewife is not the problem, the
problem is the problem and whenyou go to a third party coach,
(30:00):
they can help you.
If you cannot, they can helpyou identify and clarify the
problem and then you can cometogether to work it out.
But often we look and say sheis this, she does that, she did
she is the problem.
No, it's not that she is theproblem.
Maybe there's a habit, maybethere's some logic behind that
(30:23):
where we need understanding.
But the person, your person isnot the problem.
It's identifying and thenclarifying that and then coming
together to work on that andwork through that, and that's
why a third party that'sunbiased can help do that.
You mentioned something about apastor and they can be good.
(30:45):
But if this is your pastor,since you were three, you know,
and he loves you so much andhe's not going to want to hurt
your little feelings because nowyou know he has a bias towards
you.
So when you get a third partywho doesn't like one more than
the other and he's notnecessarily or she's not there
to pacify one because they know,then you can get some good
(31:10):
coaching, some good advice thatyou can braid together and you
can solve these problems.
Amanda (31:16):
You know, does that make sense?
Oh, it does.
And in adding into that, Iwould certainly say, problems
that come back again.
And being, you know, kind ofknowing hey, we've, we've
addressed this before versusthis is now a different time, a
different circumstance, adifferent take, and with my own
(31:37):
friends, my own personal life,you know, if you're revisiting
the same conversation over andover again, again, with the same
finances are the samecircumstances, are the same,
timing's the same, but you'rehaving that same conversation
again and again, right, hey,what did we not hit home the
first time?
You know, maybe that's why youneed to take it.
(31:59):
Hey, let's go to the drawingboard.
Obviously, if I'm having toreiterate this again and again
and again, something's notmeshing.
Let's see how we, how wetranslate it over with the help
of a third person.
And then my, my second point inthis is you might have already
had the conversation and you'relike wait, why are they bringing
(32:20):
it up again?
Why is this coming back to ourdoorstep?
And is it because the situationsame thing, with the exact same
time, the exact samecircumstances?
Know when you might need to getthird party support to be able
(32:45):
to really put an issue to bed,to not keep revisiting that
wheel For the next episode ofthe Wedding Where, Next episode
of the Wedding Wear.
I'm continuing my conversationwith Verlyn.
We've got some really greattips from her on how to have the
(33:06):
conversations ahead of time,the whole entire focus of before
you do, as well as a veryinteresting the Wedding Wear
from her perspective.
Wedding Where with forlistening to the Wedding Wear
with Officiating by Amanda.
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode and found some
(33:27):
inspiration or insight for yourown special day.
and can be found on all majorplatforms.
If you haven't already, pleasesubscribe, like, comment and
share to help us reach even morelisteners who might laugh a
little at the Wedding Wear.
For the links referenced in theshow, visit Linktree at
Officiating by Amanda.
You can also follow thebusiness on Facebook,
(33:50):
weddingwire and the Knot to stayup to date on everything going
on.
If you have a question you'dlike me to answer on the podcast
, just send an email totheweddingwearpodcast at
gmailcom, and if you're ready toinquire about officiating
services for your own big day,you can reach me at
officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom.
Thank you so much for tuning inand until next time.
(34:11):
This has been Amanda.
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