June 11, 2025 • 27 mins
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Verlyn Tarlton returns to share insights from her work as a pre-marriage counselor, including a revealing wedding story where a bride's disrespectful cake-cutting behavior foreshadowed their eventual divorce, and three key pieces of advice for couples planning to marry.
• Spend more time planning your marriage than your wedding—many couples invest more energy in selecting signature drinks than in their vows
• Communication with comprehension is key rather than just communication alone—listen to understand, not to defend or deflect
• When conflict arises, don't just apologize; ask "How can I make it right?"
• Small behaviors during weddings can reveal deeper relationship dynamics—"how you do one thing is how you do everything"
• How we treat our spouse can be viewed as a precursor to how we might treat children or others
• Learning to listen for understanding rather than preparing responses improves communication dramatically
• Being willing to find resolution without "being wrong" helps couples move forward constructively
Find Verlin on Instagram at before_you_do, on Apple and Spotify podcasts at "Before You Do," on Facebook as "Podcaster-Author Verlyn Tarlton," and at verlyntarlton.com.
Thank you for sharing the podcast with others who may enjoy it! Share your funny wedding stories with me at theweddingwherepodcast@gmail.com. Any links referenced are on linktree.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Amanda (00:04):
Welcome to the Wedding Where with officiating by Amanda
.
Welcome back to the Weddingwhere we are picking up with our
(00:33):
wonderful interview with Verlyn.
I highly recommend that, if youdon't know what I'm talking
about, you listen to part onenow for all of the insights from
fellow podcaster and author,pre-marriage counselor Verlyn
Tarlton, and all the advice thatshe has to give for couples
before they say I do.
(00:55):
Our last episode we dived in alot on some of those topics
having those conversations,considering having those
conversations with a third partyperson and this week's episode
we have a very fun the WeddingWhere story told by Verlyn, as
(01:16):
well as three really key tipsthat she would recommend any
couple consider.
So let's get back into it.
As you know, this podcast is theWedding where and we typically
tell stories.
I tell stories of the weddingwhere something happened, some
funny, some really heartfelt.
(01:38):
We recently had one out of theWedding when I Cried really
great quote that we found fromthe bride's deceased father came
into play and you know how doyou balance out emotions.
So not all of it's scandalous.
But I wanted to ask you do youhave a wedding where story?
If so, what happened and fromyour perspective, what are Some
(02:00):
insights that you kind of takefrom it.
Verlyn Tarlton (02:03):
I do have a wedding where, first of all, it
was absolutely beautiful.
We were on a boat and we were.
It was a beautiful, it was theperfect day to be on a boat and
to be outside and all the thevows and everything took place
outside.
It was really beautiful.
(02:23):
And then the reception wasdownstairs in the boat.
It was a boat that went fromone end of the city to the other
and it was just reallybeautiful.
Everything was going reallywell.
And this is my husband's friend.
I only knew the bride by face.
(02:43):
We had no relationship oranything like that, but my
husband and his friend.
So that's the backstory.
And we were at the receptionpart and you know they have this
the part where each personafter they cut the cake, you
know everybody's lookingintently.
You know all eyes on the brideand the groom of course You've
(03:05):
got a camera there or avideographer everything exactly.
And so they, they cut the cakeand the husband or the groom,
you know, put the fork in thecake and you know, she opened
her mouth and he fed her like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so then it was her like oh,yeah, yeah, yeah.
(03:28):
And so then it was her turn andshe had the cake on the fork
and he went to open his mouthand she moved it right, she
moved it away from like a fakeout, for lack of a better word.
So he was just kind of stuck,you know, and he closed his
mouth and again you're talkingvideo and camera and all eyes
right, and it was not a smallwedding, it was a couple of
hundred people, and so at firstit was like everybody was, oh
(03:51):
okay, you know, that's kind offunny and ha ha ha.
Yeah, you know, that's, that'sdifferent.
That was, I was like, yeah,this is different, I had never
seen that before.
And so then it was like, okay,we settled down, got the fort
and then he opened his mouth andshe did it a second time.
And it was like we were like,oh, okay, and I promise you, I
(04:14):
guess we thought it was over andshe did it a third time and
when that happened I said tomyself this is not going to end
well.
I wasn't thinking about the day,but I'm saying in my mind just
that whole.
I mean the first time wasenough For me.
I didn't even think that wasfunny, but it was like everybody
(04:37):
has a different sense of humorand so no judgment, right.
I was like, okay, that wasfunny, oh, let's go ahead.
And the second time was likeare you kidding me?
(05:11):
But the third time was like nowwe're in a space almost of
humiliation and embarrassment.
You know, everybody was.
I think we didn't know how toreact because it wasn't funny
anymore.
It was just awkward, you know.
But we wanted to.
I guess, for the people wholove the groom, we just wanted
to play it off and make him feelcomfortable and not feel
embarrassed and not feel ashamed.
And so in my mind I justremember thinking this is not a
good sign.
Like, if this is funny to herand this is in front of
everybody, to me it showed a bitof a disregard for his feelings
(05:32):
and how he looked, like thatwas something.
If you thought that was funny,do that amongst yourselves.
You know practical jokes, youknow live it up, laugh it up.
But in that space where I meanit's not like it was so serious,
like it was a funeral, but itis a sacred time, you know it's
a sacred time and, like you said, the video, the camera and all
(05:53):
these people are looking and itwas just so inappropriate and
unfortunately.
But I won't say I havenecessarily, I do have a good
amount of insight.
I won't say I have necessarily,I do have a good amount of
insight.
I am the kind of person and Iused to not like it because I
(06:13):
felt like I was negative.
Right, I could see somethingand be like, nope, that's not a
good sign, and I could literallyfeel that and later on it would
pan out.
And I guess I feel the same wayabout good stuff.
I don't know why the not sogood stuff stands out.
But I remember saying this isnot a good sign.
I don't think they're going tomake it In my mind.
I would never speak that outloud, never.
But I do say I did say in mymind this is not a good sign.
(06:34):
I don't think they're going tomake it.
You know this, just that actalone and it seemed really
ridiculous that I would thinkjust from that one thing, not
knowing any history, not livingwith them, but it's just a
feeling I got and unfortunatelythey did.
They went through a terrible,terrible, fighting divorce.
(06:56):
It was just awful, but that oneact was a precursor to how the
marriage went.
I tell my children all the time, and my husband, but the
children especially, in myopinion, how you do one thing is
how you do everything.
And so that disregard, which Ithought disrespect, that was the
(07:19):
whole rest of the wedding andit was a very ugly, challenging
divorce.
So yeah, I had a wedding wherethe bride was just, you know,
disregarding and just reallymade the groom look silly and
they did not last long at all.
Amanda (07:36):
And almost a wedding where you could have put an egg
timer on the relationship.
You could have written it.
You know, not verbally, but inyour own head relationship you
could have written it.
You know, not verbally but inyour own head divorce eminent,
and I think that that does speakto a fair amount of disregard.
But also, you know who in theirright mind withholds cake from
(07:57):
somebody else.
Come on, if I was a guest at awedding, I'd be like wait, if
she's not going to give him cake, is she going to give all the
rest of us cake?
I want my cake and I had acouple once say to me you should
treat, not treat your spouse,but look at the relationship
that you build with your spouseas a precursor to the
relationships that you wouldbuild with kids.
Again, if they fall, do youlaugh or do you say, oh my gosh,
(08:21):
are you okay?
How you act around adults,teenagers on up to the elderly,
how you treat your parents, canbe looked at as a precursor to
how you'd be with kids.
And as you're saying like, oh,she went in to feed him, I think
of like moms with the spoon,here comes the airplane.
If you're doing that in amoment that's being photographed
(08:42):
and videoed.
You do it for laughs with yourhusband.
You know, I would hope youwould never do that with kids.
Oh, too slow.
Oh, you missed it.
I know that there are some dadsthat think you know stuff, like
that's funny, but certainly asa mom it's like, wait right, if
I wouldn't think that this wouldbe okay and certainly put
(09:05):
yourself in the shoes of if thiswas your kid.
Now take yourself out of thelevel.
This is your kid gettingmarried to somebody else.
It's many road.
Would you be okay if this washappening to your kid?
And if you're not, why wouldyou do it onto your spouse?
We want to model good behavior,good relationships, so that we
can set ourselves on the bestfoot forward, but also for the
(09:25):
future, do as much as we canbecause there's so much out of
our control to pave a nicepathway, and good, modeled
relationships are the start ofit.
And I have certainly seencouples where, again, I get to
be in the little back rooms withthe groomsmen and the bride and
everyone before they march out,before the cameras are really
on them, before everyone's seenthem, and there are some signs
(09:48):
I'll see sometimes of you knowthe groom saying, ah, it's her
wedding to ruin.
Or you know, dude, this is halfyour day too.
Like what?
What do you mean?
It's her wedding to ruin.
Or you know the bride justgetting so upset with the flower
girl, the ring bearer, and youknow, oh, we never, we never
should have had kids.
(10:08):
You know, and I know that thesecond they walk out of those
doors they're to have the smileson.
They're going to, you know, andin their day these are blimps.
They're never going to rememberthem.
But right for me.
I pick up those little piecesand I don't say it out loud, but
I also catalog a little bit ofit.
Wouldn't surprise me if I don'twish it.
(10:30):
I don't wish it, I don't hopeit.
You never are saying thisbetter under the divorce.
But I just go.
You know, if I do a littleresearch before I send their
happy one-year anniversary email, it might be smart of me.
I don't want to open any wounds.
So if I do a little Facebookstalking and go, okay, I see
(10:51):
that that is not going well, I'mgoing to not send that email.
It's just something I keep alittle track of.
So I know that we're going torun a quick on time here.
This is probably already goingto be a two-parter.
Let me plug that in right now.
Stay tuned for part two.
But from all of your experience, all your work, do you have
(11:13):
some advice, do you have someinsight?
Of all the things you've toldcouples of you know, think about
before you do what would yousay are maybe the top three, and
I know you had a list of 99.
I'm sure you've come up with afar longer list, but what do you
got as some of your key ones?
Verlyn Tarlton (11:31):
Okay, well, the first one we've already
discussed sort of, and that wasspend more time planning your
marriage than you do yourwedding, so I won't revisit that
, but that would definitely benumber one.
Amanda (11:43):
And I agree with that.
I have so many couples whospend more time thinking about
what the signature drink is andthe seating chart.
And again, I like the vote ofconfidence that they say, oh,
just do whatever you want withthe ceremony.
But on the other end of that,seesaw is wait, you don't have a
care at all about what you aresaying, what you are vowing,
(12:08):
what you are binding.
And again, if you're doingeverything on the same
proportion, like you're eloping,so it's a sheet cake from
Walmart.
You gave the same thoughtprocess to it as you gave to the
ceremony, as you gave to yourdress, fine if it's all on a
level tier.
But when you spent many, manyweeks searching for your wedding
dress and you only perused anemail and you said I like script
(12:29):
option one, like those twothings don't compare.
And that also at times raisesred flags because, right, you've
spent more time planning theparty than the heart, the core,
I would say, of what is thestart off of your marriage.
And while I know a lot ofcouples totally go ear blind to
what they hear within a ceremony, I send everybody the script
(12:51):
afterwards.
You can read the nice, prettywords.
You can really bring them backinto yourself.
But to a similar part.
You spent more time planningthe wedding and the window
dressing elements of the weddingthan you did the key core parts
that are the stepstones and thebuildup in your marriage.
Wow.
Verlyn Tarlton (13:11):
Okay, and I also hit on number two already, and
that is knowing that the wife isnot the problem, the husband is
not the problem, but that theproblem is the problem, and to
work together to focus onidentifying the problem,
clarifying it and then solvingit together.
(13:32):
The next thing and I think thisis so, so key I'm going to
explain first what I believe isa myth.
Everyone says communication iskey.
Communication is key, and Iused to say that all the time
too.
But after being married andafter talking to many, many
women about being married,communication is not key.
(13:55):
Communication withcomprehension is key.
You can say the same thing 50times.
You can say it 50 differentways.
If there is no comprehension,it doesn't matter how many times
you say it.
It doesn't matter how manytimes you say it, and in order
(14:15):
to get comprehension, you haveto be able to listen.
Communication is thought of asvery one-sided.
I want to express myself, Iwant to say what I have to say.
I want to talk, talk, talk.
Both people want to talk, talk,talk, because I need to get
this point across and I need youto understand what I'm saying
(14:35):
and no one is listening to hear.
There's a big difference.
I can be in a restaurant withmy husband and I can, you know,
hear a conversation, but I'm notlistening.
But the person can just bereally loud and I can hear
they're saying, oh, I had totake my dog to sleep, but I'm
not really listening.
I can just hear it becausethey're loud.
(14:56):
However, when my husband istalking, I'm listening to hear
him because I'm interested inwhat he.
I'm not interested in hearingabout their dog or their drunk
Uncle Bobo, I can just hear itright.
But I'm listening because Iwant to understand and I'm
listening in order to hear.
(15:17):
So what I hear a lot is incommunication, most people are
listening to deflect, to defendor deny.
They're not listening tounderstand, they're not
listening to hear.
I encourage ladies especially tolisten to hear and to get
(15:45):
understanding of what's beingsaid, to not be anxious to speak
, to not be anxious to get yourpoint across, because when
you're thinking and thinking,you're not listening.
If the only thing I know I wasfamous, my husband could be
saying something and the onlything I'm thinking I was famous,
my husband could be sayingsomething, and the only thing
I'm thinking is hurry up and getthrough what you have to say so
(16:05):
I can say something that makessense.
All right, I was like justhurry, hurry, hurry, before I
forget my thought, you know,because what I was saying to me
made a lot of sense and I wantedher to get it out.
And in my mind you just yak,yak, yak.
I was not listening tounderstand anything because I
had already closed my mind andsaid this is ridiculous, you
(16:27):
know.
And so, as I have matured andspent time practicing silence,
I'm learning to listen better,I'm learning to hear better, and
so that is my thingcommunication with comprehension
, which eventually, or firstly,should start with listening.
(16:49):
We always think of communicationas we're doing all the talking
and no one's listening.
Again, we don't listen todefend, to deflect or deny.
We want to understand not onlythe words, but we want to
understand the feeling behindthe words.
Lots of times, we just hearwhat's being said, but do we
(17:11):
understand the feelings?
Okay, well, I said this and ithurt him.
We need to be able to hear thatit hurt him, it made him feel
invalidated, it made him feelemasculated.
We need to be able to hearthese things right, and then,
even if we don't necessarilyagree and maybe we don't even
(17:34):
understand, if we respond from aplace of compassion, right?
Not well, let me tell you,since you said this, that's why
I said that no, no, no, we'renot wanting to deflect and we're
not trying to defend thatbehavior, but if we are learning
(17:54):
to listen again with compassion, we can respond in compassion.
And the thing.
If you want to take it toanother level, this is something
I tell my children, I tell theladies too.
After you hear something andyou get understanding and the
idea is I felt disrespected, Ifelt anything that makes a
(18:17):
person feel the way they don'twant to feel right.
Ask how can I make it right?
How can I make it right?
How often do we ask that wejust apologize?
I apologize, I didn't mean suchand such.
I apologize, I'm not going todo it again.
But what about?
How can I make it right?
(18:37):
What I have learned in myexperience when you can humbly
ask, you know, for someone toforgive you or apologize, and
then you say, how can I make itright?
It speaks volumes.
It can disarm anger, it candisarm the hurt, it can disarm
contention, because this personsays, okay, not only did she
(19:02):
hear me, not only did he hear me, because, face it, everybody
wants to be heard, but theyunderstand, and now they're
going to actually put fortheffort to try to make this right
.
That is advice that isinvaluable, because people, we
don't think about that often.
(19:23):
So I apologize.
I apologize, kissy face, but no, how can I make this right?
To me, it takes it to anotherlevel of communication and
comprehension.
Amanda (19:36):
So yeah, I'm big on that .
I had my couple yesterday asyou were saying this I was
remembering in their vows Ibelieve it was the groom had
said I will continue toacknowledge that the things that
are hard for me to hear arealso hard for you to say and
appreciate that you said themLike let's not shy away.
(19:57):
You know, if it does hurt me,if it stings me, I got to at
least take a breath andacknowledge it like wow, it was
hard for you to bring that tothe surface and to come in to
say that.
I thought that that wasabsolutely beautiful.
Because that is it's a key, keybit and we listening for
comprehension, listening forlearning, listening for
(20:19):
understanding all differenttypes that you have to bring in,
because listening to respond isjust surface level and you're
right, we turn our brainstotally off to it.
I myself have to find the rightway to word it because I think
sometimes I take a sharp tonewith it.
But if I find myself repeatingthings with my husband or again
(20:39):
revisiting a a conversation, Ihave to find a better way of
kind of pausing and saying whatdid you hear me say?
I said it pretty good rightthere, but I think a lot of
times it comes out of a what isit you think?
I said with a little sharpnessto it, but again asking I'm a
very big, each one teach onekind of person.
(21:01):
So I like to listen for the,for the learning of it, because
if I can learn it, bring it in,then I can teach someone else it
.
So, bringing it in and askingof someone else, like hey, I
know I just taught you, two plustwo equals four, or at least
that's what I thought I saidwhat did you pick up?
And and they go.
Oh well, you said it has toequal four, so I did three plus
(21:24):
one.
Ah, I see here and sometimesthat helps to clear up a lot of
things of how did we get to thisend turn where we aren't
meshing together properly?
Did I use a different word?
You know I'm very clear attimes.
I don't like to say I'm wrong.
I never like to say I'm wrong.
I can say I'm mistaken, I cansay I'm incorrect.
(21:45):
Wrong just feels weird.
So again, where were wemisaligned in our words and our
understanding?
And how do we get better?
How do we reframe it?
My husband and I just had oneon trains.
He's like I like trains.
I'm like I like old trains.
He goes what do you mean?
I'm like I don't considerAmtrak to be a train.
I consider locomotives to betrains.
(22:06):
He goes no, amtrak's a train.
I'm like let's agree ordisagree here, sir saying sorry
and apologizing for the wordsthat we said.
We said them and we shouldn'tjust blank it over.
You know, oh, okay, I take itback.
Kissy face like it's all betternow.
But you know, having thewerewolf all go, okay, you know,
(22:31):
I did say you did counter, oryou came with this explanation
and kind of acknowledging youknow what.
I can agree to that.
The problem is resolved Like notleaving the tab open per se.
If things have gotten resolvedout, I don't want to take it
back.
I'm not.
Oh, nope, my bad, my bad, I'msorry, nope, hey, okay, I'm glad
(22:55):
that you were able to bringthis bit of information forward.
I'm glad that we've talked thisout.
Tie it up with a bow, let's putit to bed.
I'm not saying I was wrong.
I'm saying you brought me goodfactual information.
I'm saying we were able to cometo a resolution and we are good
and don't be afraid to kind of.
You know you're not backingdown from your position, you're
(23:16):
not having to admit that youwere wrong.
You're saying you were able tomove forward with the new
perspective given, with the newcommunication that you listened
to and understood, to be able tomove your spacing forward.
Like I did have to acknowledgethat Amtrak is a type of train.
It is not my preferred methodof calling it a train.
(23:38):
I was not wrong, but we liketrains.
So amazing and wonderfulinsights.
I'm going to have all the linksin the link tree and everything
, but will you just let thepeople know where they can find
you and how they can followalong to the wonderful work that
you're doing and your greatpodcast.
Verlyn Tarlton (23:56):
Absolutely, and I have to look at one of these
because I tend to leave offsomething.
Instagram, it's beforeunderscore, you underscore, do
All right.
And then on Spotify and Appleit's before you do.
If you just type those inbefore you do all one word, I
(24:17):
guess I never look myself up,but before you do I listen, just
when I do the recordings, youknow, but just to look myself up
.
So hopefully that works beforeyou do on Apple or Spotify, and
then on Facebook I amPodcaster-Author, not the boy's
name, the man's name, but thewriter, a-u-t-h-o-r Verlyn
(24:40):
Tarlton.
So Facebook is podcaster-authorVerlyn Tarlton, and that's it
for now.
I'm on other things but I'm noteven active, so I won't even
waste.
I'm still trying to get mydaughter how to work TikTok.
Show me how to work TikTok.
I have not gotten it.
It just looks crazy Every timeI even open it.
I'm just like you know what.
(25:01):
Never mind.
Amanda (25:03):
I always press wrong buttons and then it adds in
someone else's like audio overtop of the audio and I'm like no
, I have original audio, I needit to be me.
Yeah, I did just find youSpotify.
You know, if you turn to Googleas all one word before you
space.
Spotify in Google.
Ok, pop that up.
Ok same thing with Apple.
Verlyn Tarlton (25:23):
OK, great, great .
I know that Instagram is.
I have to remember, beforeunderscore, you underscore, do
so, and that's it and my website.
I have a website which is myname, verlyn Tarlton dot com
V-E-R-L-Y-N-T-A-R-L-T-O-Ncom.
Amanda (25:43):
And we'll get those linked over and have them live,
We'll have them in show notesand we'll have them on Great
Well.
So hopefully, anyone who's gotmore questions or inquiries or
is like, well wait, I wish Iknew more about this, or I bet
no one has brought this upbefore to Verlin Well, go ahead,
hit her up, let her know all ofthe great things that you would
(26:03):
also recommend that people knowbefore they do, before you do,
before any of us do.
Thank you so, so much forjoining me and being on today
and for those out therelistening.
Drop a line, drop a comment.
Let us know what other adviceyou'd add in.
Is there something that someoneonce gave you advice on?
(26:25):
Because we all know that we alltalk to our moms and our
parents, our sisters, ourbrothers, our friends especially
those who have already beenthrough the marriage process to
get their take, to make sure wearen't alone, that, yeah, my
spouse also leaves time on themicrowave, or that my husband
also does not hear a single wordthat comes out of my mouth.
(26:46):
Write him a letter, Right?
What other little bits were yougiven advice on before you did
your walk down the aisle?
And maybe they'll end up, youknow, between Verlin and I in
some other way, shape and formon our podcast.
Yes, Thank you for listening tothe Wedding Where with
Officiating by Amanda.
(27:07):
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode and found some
inspiration or insight for yourown special day.
This podcast is hosted onBuzzsprout and can be found on
all major platforms.
If you haven't already, pleasesubscribe, like, comment and
share to help us reach even morelisteners who might laugh a
little at the WeddingWare.
For the links referenced in theshow, visit Linktree at
(27:28):
Officiating by Amanda.
You can also follow thebusiness on Facebook,
WeddingWire and the Knot to stayup to date on everything going
on.
If you have a question you'dlike me to answer on the podcast
, just send an email totheweddingwearpodcast at
gmailcom, and if you're ready toinquire about officiating
services for your own big day,you can reach me at
(27:48):
officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom.
Thank you so much for tuning inand until next time.
This has been Amanda.
Welcome to the Wedding Where with officiating by Amanda
.
Welcome back to the Weddingwhere we are picking up with our
(00:33):
wonderful interview with Verlyn.
I highly recommend that, if youdon't know what I'm talking
about, you listen to part onenow for all of the insights from
fellow podcaster and author,pre-marriage counselor Verlyn
Tarlton, and all the advice thatshe has to give for couples
before they say I do.
(00:55):
Our last episode we dived in alot on some of those topics
having those conversations,considering having those
conversations with a third partyperson and this week's episode
we have a very fun the WeddingWhere story told by Verlyn, as
(01:16):
well as three really key tipsthat she would recommend any
couple consider.
So let's get back into it.
As you know, this podcast is theWedding where and we typically
tell stories.
I tell stories of the weddingwhere something happened, some
funny, some really heartfelt.
(01:38):
We recently had one out of theWedding when I Cried really
great quote that we found fromthe bride's deceased father came
into play and you know how doyou balance out emotions.
So not all of it's scandalous.
But I wanted to ask you do youhave a wedding where story?
If so, what happened and fromyour perspective, what are Some
(02:00):
insights that you kind of takefrom it.
Verlyn Tarlton (02:03):
I do have a wedding where, first of all, it
was absolutely beautiful.
We were on a boat and we were.
It was a beautiful, it was theperfect day to be on a boat and
to be outside and all the thevows and everything took place
outside.
It was really beautiful.
(02:23):
And then the reception wasdownstairs in the boat.
It was a boat that went fromone end of the city to the other
and it was just reallybeautiful.
Everything was going reallywell.
And this is my husband's friend.
I only knew the bride by face.
(02:43):
We had no relationship oranything like that, but my
husband and his friend.
So that's the backstory.
And we were at the receptionpart and you know they have this
the part where each personafter they cut the cake, you
know everybody's lookingintently.
You know all eyes on the brideand the groom of course You've
(03:05):
got a camera there or avideographer everything exactly.
And so they, they cut the cakeand the husband or the groom,
you know, put the fork in thecake and you know, she opened
her mouth and he fed her like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so then it was her like oh,yeah, yeah, yeah.
(03:28):
And so then it was her turn andshe had the cake on the fork
and he went to open his mouthand she moved it right, she
moved it away from like a fakeout, for lack of a better word.
So he was just kind of stuck,you know, and he closed his
mouth and again you're talkingvideo and camera and all eyes
right, and it was not a smallwedding, it was a couple of
hundred people, and so at firstit was like everybody was, oh
(03:51):
okay, you know, that's kind offunny and ha ha ha.
Yeah, you know, that's, that'sdifferent.
That was, I was like, yeah,this is different, I had never
seen that before.
And so then it was like, okay,we settled down, got the fort
and then he opened his mouth andshe did it a second time.
And it was like we were like,oh, okay, and I promise you, I
(04:14):
guess we thought it was over andshe did it a third time and
when that happened I said tomyself this is not going to end
well.
I wasn't thinking about the day,but I'm saying in my mind just
that whole.
I mean the first time wasenough For me.
I didn't even think that wasfunny, but it was like everybody
(04:37):
has a different sense of humorand so no judgment, right.
I was like, okay, that wasfunny, oh, let's go ahead.
And the second time was likeare you kidding me?
(05:11):
But the third time was like nowwe're in a space almost of
humiliation and embarrassment.
You know, everybody was.
I think we didn't know how toreact because it wasn't funny
anymore.
It was just awkward, you know.
But we wanted to.
I guess, for the people wholove the groom, we just wanted
to play it off and make him feelcomfortable and not feel
embarrassed and not feel ashamed.
And so in my mind I justremember thinking this is not a
good sign.
Like, if this is funny to herand this is in front of
everybody, to me it showed a bitof a disregard for his feelings
(05:32):
and how he looked, like thatwas something.
If you thought that was funny,do that amongst yourselves.
You know practical jokes, youknow live it up, laugh it up.
But in that space where I meanit's not like it was so serious,
like it was a funeral, but itis a sacred time, you know it's
a sacred time and, like you said, the video, the camera and all
(05:53):
these people are looking and itwas just so inappropriate and
unfortunately.
But I won't say I havenecessarily, I do have a good
amount of insight.
I won't say I have necessarily,I do have a good amount of
insight.
I am the kind of person and Iused to not like it because I
(06:13):
felt like I was negative.
Right, I could see somethingand be like, nope, that's not a
good sign, and I could literallyfeel that and later on it would
pan out.
And I guess I feel the same wayabout good stuff.
I don't know why the not sogood stuff stands out.
But I remember saying this isnot a good sign.
I don't think they're going tomake it In my mind.
I would never speak that outloud, never.
But I do say I did say in mymind this is not a good sign.
(06:34):
I don't think they're going tomake it.
You know this, just that actalone and it seemed really
ridiculous that I would thinkjust from that one thing, not
knowing any history, not livingwith them, but it's just a
feeling I got and unfortunatelythey did.
They went through a terrible,terrible, fighting divorce.
(06:56):
It was just awful, but that oneact was a precursor to how the
marriage went.
I tell my children all the time, and my husband, but the
children especially, in myopinion, how you do one thing is
how you do everything.
And so that disregard, which Ithought disrespect, that was the
(07:19):
whole rest of the wedding andit was a very ugly, challenging
divorce.
So yeah, I had a wedding wherethe bride was just, you know,
disregarding and just reallymade the groom look silly and
they did not last long at all.
Amanda (07:36):
And almost a wedding where you could have put an egg
timer on the relationship.
You could have written it.
You know, not verbally, but inyour own head relationship you
could have written it.
You know, not verbally but inyour own head divorce eminent,
and I think that that does speakto a fair amount of disregard.
But also, you know who in theirright mind withholds cake from
(07:57):
somebody else.
Come on, if I was a guest at awedding, I'd be like wait, if
she's not going to give him cake, is she going to give all the
rest of us cake?
I want my cake and I had acouple once say to me you should
treat, not treat your spouse,but look at the relationship
that you build with your spouseas a precursor to the
relationships that you wouldbuild with kids.
Again, if they fall, do youlaugh or do you say, oh my gosh,
(08:21):
are you okay?
How you act around adults,teenagers on up to the elderly,
how you treat your parents, canbe looked at as a precursor to
how you'd be with kids.
And as you're saying like, oh,she went in to feed him, I think
of like moms with the spoon,here comes the airplane.
If you're doing that in amoment that's being photographed
(08:42):
and videoed.
You do it for laughs with yourhusband.
You know, I would hope youwould never do that with kids.
Oh, too slow.
Oh, you missed it.
I know that there are some dadsthat think you know stuff, like
that's funny, but certainly asa mom it's like, wait right, if
I wouldn't think that this wouldbe okay and certainly put
(09:05):
yourself in the shoes of if thiswas your kid.
Now take yourself out of thelevel.
This is your kid gettingmarried to somebody else.
It's many road.
Would you be okay if this washappening to your kid?
And if you're not, why wouldyou do it onto your spouse?
We want to model good behavior,good relationships, so that we
can set ourselves on the bestfoot forward, but also for the
(09:25):
future, do as much as we canbecause there's so much out of
our control to pave a nicepathway, and good, modeled
relationships are the start ofit.
And I have certainly seencouples where, again, I get to
be in the little back rooms withthe groomsmen and the bride and
everyone before they march out,before the cameras are really
on them, before everyone's seenthem, and there are some signs
(09:48):
I'll see sometimes of you knowthe groom saying, ah, it's her
wedding to ruin.
Or you know, dude, this is halfyour day too.
Like what?
What do you mean?
It's her wedding to ruin.
Or you know the bride justgetting so upset with the flower
girl, the ring bearer, and youknow, oh, we never, we never
should have had kids.
(10:08):
You know, and I know that thesecond they walk out of those
doors they're to have the smileson.
They're going to, you know, andin their day these are blimps.
They're never going to rememberthem.
But right for me.
I pick up those little piecesand I don't say it out loud, but
I also catalog a little bit ofit.
Wouldn't surprise me if I don'twish it.
(10:30):
I don't wish it, I don't hopeit.
You never are saying thisbetter under the divorce.
But I just go.
You know, if I do a littleresearch before I send their
happy one-year anniversary email, it might be smart of me.
I don't want to open any wounds.
So if I do a little Facebookstalking and go, okay, I see
(10:51):
that that is not going well, I'mgoing to not send that email.
It's just something I keep alittle track of.
So I know that we're going torun a quick on time here.
This is probably already goingto be a two-parter.
Let me plug that in right now.
Stay tuned for part two.
But from all of your experience, all your work, do you have
(11:13):
some advice, do you have someinsight?
Of all the things you've toldcouples of you know, think about
before you do what would yousay are maybe the top three, and
I know you had a list of 99.
I'm sure you've come up with afar longer list, but what do you
got as some of your key ones?
Verlyn Tarlton (11:31):
Okay, well, the first one we've already
discussed sort of, and that wasspend more time planning your
marriage than you do yourwedding, so I won't revisit that
, but that would definitely benumber one.
Amanda (11:43):
And I agree with that.
I have so many couples whospend more time thinking about
what the signature drink is andthe seating chart.
And again, I like the vote ofconfidence that they say, oh,
just do whatever you want withthe ceremony.
But on the other end of that,seesaw is wait, you don't have a
care at all about what you aresaying, what you are vowing,
(12:08):
what you are binding.
And again, if you're doingeverything on the same
proportion, like you're eloping,so it's a sheet cake from
Walmart.
You gave the same thoughtprocess to it as you gave to the
ceremony, as you gave to yourdress, fine if it's all on a
level tier.
But when you spent many, manyweeks searching for your wedding
dress and you only perused anemail and you said I like script
(12:29):
option one, like those twothings don't compare.
And that also at times raisesred flags because, right, you've
spent more time planning theparty than the heart, the core,
I would say, of what is thestart off of your marriage.
And while I know a lot ofcouples totally go ear blind to
what they hear within a ceremony, I send everybody the script
(12:51):
afterwards.
You can read the nice, prettywords.
You can really bring them backinto yourself.
But to a similar part.
You spent more time planningthe wedding and the window
dressing elements of the weddingthan you did the key core parts
that are the stepstones and thebuildup in your marriage.
Wow.
Verlyn Tarlton (13:11):
Okay, and I also hit on number two already, and
that is knowing that the wife isnot the problem, the husband is
not the problem, but that theproblem is the problem, and to
work together to focus onidentifying the problem,
clarifying it and then solvingit together.
(13:32):
The next thing and I think thisis so, so key I'm going to
explain first what I believe isa myth.
Everyone says communication iskey.
Communication is key, and Iused to say that all the time
too.
But after being married andafter talking to many, many
women about being married,communication is not key.
(13:55):
Communication withcomprehension is key.
You can say the same thing 50times.
You can say it 50 differentways.
If there is no comprehension,it doesn't matter how many times
you say it.
It doesn't matter how manytimes you say it, and in order
(14:15):
to get comprehension, you haveto be able to listen.
Communication is thought of asvery one-sided.
I want to express myself, Iwant to say what I have to say.
I want to talk, talk, talk.
Both people want to talk, talk,talk, because I need to get
this point across and I need youto understand what I'm saying
(14:35):
and no one is listening to hear.
There's a big difference.
I can be in a restaurant withmy husband and I can, you know,
hear a conversation, but I'm notlistening.
But the person can just bereally loud and I can hear
they're saying, oh, I had totake my dog to sleep, but I'm
not really listening.
I can just hear it becausethey're loud.
(14:56):
However, when my husband istalking, I'm listening to hear
him because I'm interested inwhat he.
I'm not interested in hearingabout their dog or their drunk
Uncle Bobo, I can just hear itright.
But I'm listening because Iwant to understand and I'm
listening in order to hear.
(15:17):
So what I hear a lot is incommunication, most people are
listening to deflect, to defendor deny.
They're not listening tounderstand, they're not
listening to hear.
I encourage ladies especially tolisten to hear and to get
(15:45):
understanding of what's beingsaid, to not be anxious to speak
, to not be anxious to get yourpoint across, because when
you're thinking and thinking,you're not listening.
If the only thing I know I wasfamous, my husband could be
saying something and the onlything I'm thinking I was famous,
my husband could be sayingsomething, and the only thing
I'm thinking is hurry up and getthrough what you have to say so
(16:05):
I can say something that makessense.
All right, I was like justhurry, hurry, hurry, before I
forget my thought, you know,because what I was saying to me
made a lot of sense and I wantedher to get it out.
And in my mind you just yak,yak, yak.
I was not listening tounderstand anything because I
had already closed my mind andsaid this is ridiculous, you
(16:27):
know.
And so, as I have matured andspent time practicing silence,
I'm learning to listen better,I'm learning to hear better, and
so that is my thingcommunication with comprehension
, which eventually, or firstly,should start with listening.
(16:49):
We always think of communicationas we're doing all the talking
and no one's listening.
Again, we don't listen todefend, to deflect or deny.
We want to understand not onlythe words, but we want to
understand the feeling behindthe words.
Lots of times, we just hearwhat's being said, but do we
(17:11):
understand the feelings?
Okay, well, I said this and ithurt him.
We need to be able to hear thatit hurt him, it made him feel
invalidated, it made him feelemasculated.
We need to be able to hearthese things right, and then,
even if we don't necessarilyagree and maybe we don't even
(17:34):
understand, if we respond from aplace of compassion, right?
Not well, let me tell you,since you said this, that's why
I said that no, no, no, we'renot wanting to deflect and we're
not trying to defend thatbehavior, but if we are learning
(17:54):
to listen again with compassion, we can respond in compassion.
And the thing.
If you want to take it toanother level, this is something
I tell my children, I tell theladies too.
After you hear something andyou get understanding and the
idea is I felt disrespected, Ifelt anything that makes a
(18:17):
person feel the way they don'twant to feel right.
Ask how can I make it right?
How can I make it right?
How often do we ask that wejust apologize?
I apologize, I didn't mean suchand such.
I apologize, I'm not going todo it again.
But what about?
How can I make it right?
(18:37):
What I have learned in myexperience when you can humbly
ask, you know, for someone toforgive you or apologize, and
then you say, how can I make itright?
It speaks volumes.
It can disarm anger, it candisarm the hurt, it can disarm
contention, because this personsays, okay, not only did she
(19:02):
hear me, not only did he hear me, because, face it, everybody
wants to be heard, but theyunderstand, and now they're
going to actually put fortheffort to try to make this right
.
That is advice that isinvaluable, because people, we
don't think about that often.
(19:23):
So I apologize.
I apologize, kissy face, but no, how can I make this right?
To me, it takes it to anotherlevel of communication and
comprehension.
Amanda (19:36):
So yeah, I'm big on that .
I had my couple yesterday asyou were saying this I was
remembering in their vows Ibelieve it was the groom had
said I will continue toacknowledge that the things that
are hard for me to hear arealso hard for you to say and
appreciate that you said themLike let's not shy away.
(19:57):
You know, if it does hurt me,if it stings me, I got to at
least take a breath andacknowledge it like wow, it was
hard for you to bring that tothe surface and to come in to
say that.
I thought that that wasabsolutely beautiful.
Because that is it's a key, keybit and we listening for
comprehension, listening forlearning, listening for
(20:19):
understanding all differenttypes that you have to bring in,
because listening to respond isjust surface level and you're
right, we turn our brainstotally off to it.
I myself have to find the rightway to word it because I think
sometimes I take a sharp tonewith it.
But if I find myself repeatingthings with my husband or again
(20:39):
revisiting a a conversation, Ihave to find a better way of
kind of pausing and saying whatdid you hear me say?
I said it pretty good rightthere, but I think a lot of
times it comes out of a what isit you think?
I said with a little sharpnessto it, but again asking I'm a
very big, each one teach onekind of person.
(21:01):
So I like to listen for the,for the learning of it, because
if I can learn it, bring it in,then I can teach someone else it
.
So, bringing it in and askingof someone else, like hey, I
know I just taught you, two plustwo equals four, or at least
that's what I thought I saidwhat did you pick up?
And and they go.
Oh well, you said it has toequal four, so I did three plus
(21:24):
one.
Ah, I see here and sometimesthat helps to clear up a lot of
things of how did we get to thisend turn where we aren't
meshing together properly?
Did I use a different word?
You know I'm very clear attimes.
I don't like to say I'm wrong.
I never like to say I'm wrong.
I can say I'm mistaken, I cansay I'm incorrect.
(21:45):
Wrong just feels weird.
So again, where were wemisaligned in our words and our
understanding?
And how do we get better?
How do we reframe it?
My husband and I just had oneon trains.
He's like I like trains.
I'm like I like old trains.
He goes what do you mean?
I'm like I don't considerAmtrak to be a train.
I consider locomotives to betrains.
(22:06):
He goes no, amtrak's a train.
I'm like let's agree ordisagree here, sir saying sorry
and apologizing for the wordsthat we said.
We said them and we shouldn'tjust blank it over.
You know, oh, okay, I take itback.
Kissy face like it's all betternow.
But you know, having thewerewolf all go, okay, you know,
(22:31):
I did say you did counter, oryou came with this explanation
and kind of acknowledging youknow what.
I can agree to that.
The problem is resolved Like notleaving the tab open per se.
If things have gotten resolvedout, I don't want to take it
back.
I'm not.
Oh, nope, my bad, my bad, I'msorry, nope, hey, okay, I'm glad
(22:55):
that you were able to bringthis bit of information forward.
I'm glad that we've talked thisout.
Tie it up with a bow, let's putit to bed.
I'm not saying I was wrong.
I'm saying you brought me goodfactual information.
I'm saying we were able to cometo a resolution and we are good
and don't be afraid to kind of.
You know you're not backingdown from your position, you're
(23:16):
not having to admit that youwere wrong.
You're saying you were able tomove forward with the new
perspective given, with the newcommunication that you listened
to and understood, to be able tomove your spacing forward.
Like I did have to acknowledgethat Amtrak is a type of train.
It is not my preferred methodof calling it a train.
(23:38):
I was not wrong, but we liketrains.
So amazing and wonderfulinsights.
I'm going to have all the linksin the link tree and everything
, but will you just let thepeople know where they can find
you and how they can followalong to the wonderful work that
you're doing and your greatpodcast.
Verlyn Tarlton (23:56):
Absolutely, and I have to look at one of these
because I tend to leave offsomething.
Instagram, it's beforeunderscore, you underscore, do
All right.
And then on Spotify and Appleit's before you do.
If you just type those inbefore you do all one word, I
(24:17):
guess I never look myself up,but before you do I listen, just
when I do the recordings, youknow, but just to look myself up
.
So hopefully that works beforeyou do on Apple or Spotify, and
then on Facebook I amPodcaster-Author, not the boy's
name, the man's name, but thewriter, a-u-t-h-o-r Verlyn
(24:40):
Tarlton.
So Facebook is podcaster-authorVerlyn Tarlton, and that's it
for now.
I'm on other things but I'm noteven active, so I won't even
waste.
I'm still trying to get mydaughter how to work TikTok.
Show me how to work TikTok.
I have not gotten it.
It just looks crazy Every timeI even open it.
I'm just like you know what.
(25:01):
Never mind.
Amanda (25:03):
I always press wrong buttons and then it adds in
someone else's like audio overtop of the audio and I'm like no
, I have original audio, I needit to be me.
Yeah, I did just find youSpotify.
You know, if you turn to Googleas all one word before you
space.
Spotify in Google.
Ok, pop that up.
Ok same thing with Apple.
Verlyn Tarlton (25:23):
OK, great, great .
I know that Instagram is.
I have to remember, beforeunderscore, you underscore, do
so, and that's it and my website.
I have a website which is myname, verlyn Tarlton dot com
V-E-R-L-Y-N-T-A-R-L-T-O-Ncom.
Amanda (25:43):
And we'll get those linked over and have them live,
We'll have them in show notesand we'll have them on Great
Well.
So hopefully, anyone who's gotmore questions or inquiries or
is like, well wait, I wish Iknew more about this, or I bet
no one has brought this upbefore to Verlin Well, go ahead,
hit her up, let her know all ofthe great things that you would
(26:03):
also recommend that people knowbefore they do, before you do,
before any of us do.
Thank you so, so much forjoining me and being on today
and for those out therelistening.
Drop a line, drop a comment.
Let us know what other adviceyou'd add in.
Is there something that someoneonce gave you advice on?
(26:25):
Because we all know that we alltalk to our moms and our
parents, our sisters, ourbrothers, our friends especially
those who have already beenthrough the marriage process to
get their take, to make sure wearen't alone, that, yeah, my
spouse also leaves time on themicrowave, or that my husband
also does not hear a single wordthat comes out of my mouth.
(26:46):
Write him a letter, Right?
What other little bits were yougiven advice on before you did
your walk down the aisle?
And maybe they'll end up, youknow, between Verlin and I in
some other way, shape and formon our podcast.
Yes, Thank you for listening tothe Wedding Where with
Officiating by Amanda.
(27:07):
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode and found some
inspiration or insight for yourown special day.
This podcast is hosted onBuzzsprout and can be found on
all major platforms.
If you haven't already, pleasesubscribe, like, comment and
share to help us reach even morelisteners who might laugh a
little at the WeddingWare.
For the links referenced in theshow, visit Linktree at
(27:28):
Officiating by Amanda.
You can also follow thebusiness on Facebook,
WeddingWire and the Knot to stayup to date on everything going
on.
If you have a question you'dlike me to answer on the podcast
, just send an email totheweddingwearpodcast at
gmailcom, and if you're ready toinquire about officiating
services for your own big day,you can reach me at
(27:48):
officiatingbyamanda at gmailcom.
Thank you so much for tuning inand until next time.
This has been Amanda.
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