November 28, 2025 • 30 mins
A wrecked trailer with no side door isn’t the obvious start to a creative life on wheels—unless it keeps calling your name. In this episode we share the full, unglossed story of The Chariot, Mo’s DIY mobile studio built from a $1,500 shell, a stack of tarot pulls, and a stubborn need to turn fear of stagnation into honest motion. What began as a quest to “get to the West Coast” became a deeper practice: learning tools, learning patience, and learning to separate running away from moving toward.
This story is equal parts DIY build and nervous‑system repair: trading urgency for practice, comparison for curiosity, and perfection for iteration. If your “one‑month” project is creeping toward year three, you’ll find both solidarity and strategy here—how to outsource the parts you can’t do, how to add a year to your timeline without shame, and how to keep the dream alive when progress feels invisible. The Chariot Mobile Studio Project taught Mo that movement is more than miles and pavement; it’s the shift from panic to presence.
If this resonates, follow along, share it with a friend who’s mid‑build, and leave a review to help others find the show.
Tell me: what dream refuses to let you quit?
Instagram: @this.is.a.metaphor & @joyscout.mo
Email Mo: mo@joyscoutstudio.com
Cover Design by: Joyscout Studio // For commissioned art & design inquiries: Joyscout Studio
“Don’t get Deterred, get Inspired”
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mo (00:07):
It has dawned on me that perhaps I should give Clarity on
a little project that I havebeen slowly making progress on
over the past few years.
Her name is The Chariot, andshe is a mobile studio, which I
thought was I just thought thatthis was so clear.
(00:32):
Me saying the words mobilestudio out loud that that that
would provide all thedescription and the feelings
necessary for anybody comingacross my path to know who I am,
what I do, and why I'm doingit.
You know, I can be on the roadand take my work with me.
Ta-da! And life would besimple.
(00:55):
And I could walk into a roomand no one would ask me what I
do.
I would be very well known forbeing able-bodied, capable, and
artful.
And I'd have this studio todazzle you wherever I went.
Because I'm really intodazzling.
When I decided to do thisproject, I was in a spot in
(01:23):
which I had a very well-paidjob.
And and I was freelancing, andI was in a spot in which I
wanted something undefined.
Like I wanted, I just Iimagined this.
I remember that I had had thisdream that I was skydiving, and
(01:48):
I was in a plane somewhere overI want to say the Congo.
I don't know exactly what thatmeans now in retrospect.
Only that I had no fear injumping, and it was cinematic in
the way that sometimes myexperiences and my dreams can
(02:12):
be, as if I was watching like Ifelt as though it was both me
and then a character I wasplaying, and then also a film
that I was watching and inspiredby.
How do I get to where I'mgoing?
(06:46):
Which in my mind was like, Ineed to get to the West Coast
immediately.
That's what I need to get.
And and yet it was like thepath, like I needed the path
there to be laid with uh withreason and with meaning and with
good intention.
Like I couldn't just go therefor some reason.
I just couldn't go there.
I needed it to be because I wasgoing on a road trip or because
(07:09):
I'd be coming back.
You know, I'm not stayingthere, even though I wanted to
live there and like be there andstill do in a lot of regards.
As much as I want to be andlive anywhere that is
invigorating for me.
But I was absolutely,absolutely more and more taken
(07:32):
with the idea of doing thisproject, like this great project
of DIY.
Like I didn't want to just buysome finished van.
You know, I was looking atbuses, I was looking at finished
RVs, and none of them werelike, I would imagine myself
being in this space, and thefeeling that I would get is the
same exact feeling that I wouldget when I was in my very
(07:52):
gorgeous home, which was that Iwas stuck or trapped, or that I
couldn't feel movement, or thatlife was like happening around
me and not, you know, within thewalls.
And and I would feel thatfeeling many places.
I would feel it, no, my whatthat feeling could find me no
matter where I was at the time.
And it was a feeling that wouldpush me over and overwhelm me,
(08:16):
and quite honestly, was yearsand years of of compounded
trauma and anxiety and nervoussystem obliteration.
And and I didn't know any ofthis at the time, other than
that that feeling was the worst.
(08:37):
You know, it was one of theworst feelings.
It was one of the mostcompounded feelings, more so
than I think the just the totalgut-punching, heart-wrenching
feeling of having your heartbroken.
Like that, that was a feelingthat was almost more manageable
than I think this fear of lifepassing me by that I was trying
(09:01):
to solve by by really runningaway from all the things that
I'd built.
And I didn't think that thatwas what was happening, but it
it very much was.
The mind is wonderful andbeautiful, and mind has an
ability to create solutions, somany solutions, even if the the
(09:26):
best one at the time would havebeen to to sit with the the
discomfort, but I was notequipped to do that, and so I
bought I bought a a trailerproject, and I remember I'd been
laying so much tarot at thetime, and tarot it was is just
this I was such a a glimpse intolike a voice, like a teacher or
(09:59):
some great guidance system thathelped me trust my own self and
also at times and throughgreat, I think, learning and um
distancing myself a little bitfrom it, is able to to not abuse
(10:21):
it and to trust myself and touse it as this way of
articulating or seeing adifferent perspective.
And and the more that I waslaying cards, like in the
morning as I reflected on my dayor I was journaling, the
chariot card would come up.
And and I don't know whenexactly it happened, but I
(10:43):
remember you know, tellingfriends and they'd, you know,
they'd check in and be like,How's the the search going for
the RV and all that?
And and we just started callingit the chariot, like, how's the
search for the chariot coming?
You know, because this cardjust started to manifest itself
and and that's what we referredto it as.
And and I took I took months toto do this, which at the time
(11:04):
felt like forever.
Like I was supposed to knowimmediately.
And then it was it was as if Ibelieved that if you have the
thought, then comes the answer,and then comes the doing, and
then comes the thought of howbeautiful something can be, and
then that beauty becomes itself,and then you get what you want,
and you get on the road, andlife becomes easy and beautiful,
(11:24):
and everything arrives for you.
And in a lot of ways, I'm surea lot of the stuff did in fact
happen for me, but nothing islike immediate other than the
beautiful glimpses of grace thatI think we're given when there
is no attachment or or urgencyin in them coming.
(11:45):
And uh I was I was up in DC.
I remember I was up in DC forabout a month, you know, really
spending a lot of time withsomeone that I someone that I
really liked.
And and yet it was he was justthis great distraction for me
(12:08):
from this this thing that Ineeded that I felt that I needed
to make a decision on.
And and when I came back, I wassupposed to, you know, get my
affairs in order and do aproject or two, and then fly
back up to see him.
And it was so funny because Ihad bought a ticket to see him,
(12:29):
and as I was on my way to theairport, the first trip, I got
to the airport and they werelike, hey, this ticket is not
until May, and it is March,right?
And I was like, Well, that'shilarious.
I guess I'll be visiting you inMay as well, you know?
And so I ended up getting likea new ticket to see him in
March, and then when May wascoming around, I was gonna come
(12:51):
back up, and it was like thisexciting thing, except as May
approached, I was feeling moreand more like I was not doing
the thing that I said that I wasgonna do, which was a really
big, I would say, a pattern forme.
Not that I didn't get to iteventually, but that the path to
(13:12):
getting there was far morepainful than I wanted it to be.
And I just wanted to find thecontainer for my, for this next
part to take place in, you know,and I remember it was like six
hours before my flight, and Idecided to like hop online and
(13:34):
to marketplace, and I and I hadbeen looking for trailers, you
know, for for months, possiblyweeks, possibly months, and the
first fucking thing that pops upis this trailer that is it's
called The Chariot Eagle.
And I mean she was like fifty,she was listed for like $1,500,
(13:57):
you know, a wonderful price.
And I felt viscerally that thiswas this was it.
This is that this is what Iwanted.
This is this was for me.
And I, you know, I reached outto the person and I kind of, you
know, hinted a little bit aboutthe significance of finding it,
(14:18):
not being a total crazy persononline because I didn't want to
blow, you know, blow the magic.
And so I ended up not leaving.
I ended up not going to seethis person that I that I had
been seeing and kind of kind ofobliterating that that
(14:39):
relationship, whatever thatcould have become, because I
just couldn't, I just didn'thave space for it.
No matter how good it was, nomatter how good he was, it was
just like I didn't have spacefor it because I wanted, it was
like I can't have all the thingsthat I want if this thing isn't
ready.
Like I'm not ready if thisisn't ready.
And I it was like this greatfear that I couldn't have any of
(15:02):
the things that I wanted if Iwasn't doing what I had to do,
you know, like as if there wassome great sacrifice needed
because how can you see all thatI am if you can't see what it
is I can do, you know, as if Iwas quite the iceberg and
(15:23):
everything was underneath, andthat felt ominous and and
overwhelming and dishearteningfor me.
And yet here's this trailer,and I was like, let's fucking
go.
And so I showed up, got thetour, and you she was just
(15:45):
fucking, you know.
I remember the picture from theinside, like the inside was
just wires hanging.
It was it was it was like somerotted fiberglass.
I mean, she was a shell.
She was a shell, big back doorthat like came down to the
ground, which is what I haddaydreamed about.
(16:06):
And a side door, which I alsowanted as a you know, smaller
entrance, was perfectly rippedoff.
She didn't even have one.
And I remember texting my myuncle, who has, you know, super
skilled contractor and in inconstruction and home
(16:29):
remodeling, and a very smartperson and a resourceful person.
And I was like, you know,should I do this?
And he was kind of, you know,gauging off of photos.
He was just like, how much isit?
And then and then you know whenI confirmed that it was 1500,
he was like, just fucking go forit.
Like there's no the price likethat.
He's like, you know, you canjust turn around and sell it.
(16:50):
It's fine.
If it doesn't work out, justgive it a go.
And and so, you know, I boughtit.
I bought it.
And I was like, this is it.
Everything's gonna be,everything's gonna happen now.
And boy oh boy, was it insane?
(17:11):
Was it insane to find someoneto build me a door?
The metaphors that were in thejourney of finding someone to
build a door.
I was not in any way, shape, orfucking form ready for the
(17:31):
amount of inquiry that it tookand being blown off, and being,
you know, just waiting andwaiting and waiting, and also
just not knowing, like, that itwas okay that other parts of my
life kept going.
Like it was like as ifeverything else had to stop
(17:51):
because this thing wasn't inmotion, and and it would, I
mean, it broke me, I think, tojust be like, why can't I have
this thing that I want?
When the truth is, is I couldhave had a lot of things that I
wanted totally complete for theright price tag, I could have
gotten something totally done.
Not exactly what I wanted.
I would have been sacrificingthe dream and the desire,
probably.
And yet what I felt viscerallywas that I had to put the time
(18:16):
and energy into my projectbecause I can do it.
And yet I had no idea how to doany of this stuff.
Like the amount of absoluteoverwhelm that I felt in
thinking, like, why did youthink that you could do this?
And I remember when I hadsomeone finally like take so
much interest in the project, Ifelt that feeling of that
(18:40):
camaraderie of when someone isilluminated by inspiration, you
know, like that look that youhave when someone is on board.
And I remember was like, okay,I'm in.
I'm in if you're in, if youwant to build this door, if you
want to do the fiberglass, andthen for the next literal year,
you know, two guys in a boatwarehouse in St.
Pete were working on thistrailer inside and redoing the
(19:04):
floors and the walls.
I mean, she got quite thefacelift on the interior part of
the the design because she wasjust she was a wreck, you know,
and her windows needed replacingand she had an AC, but all the
wiring was cut, and and it wasjust like and I just I just was
(19:28):
so hopeful that that peoplewould show up to do it, and
people were kind of interested,but you know, fiberglass when
there's nothing else in there isa pretty bouncy thing, and like
a lot of these almost I didn'tmeet a single woman that does
fiberglass, but all the guysmost of them were really big
dudes, and they were like,There's no way I'm stepping
inside of this container, andthe end of that year, the quest
(19:55):
to find a door was like Iremember the the the very last
song on my Spotify song list,the very last song that made it
to like the most played of theyear, and I I think it's like 50
songs, right?
Was Cellar Door and the songCellar Door.
(20:23):
And I remember I was sittinginside of Lasana at the gym
after I'd just gotten the textmessage that um you know that
the that I was on to the nextpart of the project, you know,
the door was done and she had adoor.
(20:45):
Like she had a photo of thedoor being on her, and it was
just this this great feat thatall I I just had to keep showing
up, and yet so much it wouldlike ruin weeks, I think, of my
life to just be like nothing'sever gonna change, and this
it'll be this way forever, youknow?
And that was just the beginningof what would be two more years
(21:07):
of trying to figure out how todo stuff, and she is not a
square box, she is not a squarebox, she's made from a boat haul
boat hauler molds, and so thebottom of a boat is for
buoyancy, and they're shaped.
I don't actually know how youdescribe that shape, but it is
(21:29):
not a rectangle, it is notperfectly squared edges, it's
like it's like panels that areare conflicting and and and and
it's you try to you try to builda wall in there, and it's just
like, well, this is not a normalwall, like it goes up in the it
goes up in some places andexpands outwards in others, and
(21:52):
and you know, she was bowed alittle bit from the weight of
the the AC on the top, and itwas just like so many times I
kept thinking like maybe I'lljust stop, maybe I'll just step
away, maybe this isn't supposedto be, and yet I couldn't, like
I could not, I couldn't do it.
And I think about that ideathat sometimes you just can't
(22:19):
put down the the dream, and likethose are the ones that are so
deeply for you.
It doesn't mean that you're notgonna try and put them down, it
doesn't mean that you can'tlike you always have the ability
to quit, but I think it's thefeeling that you feel after
you've quit that sort ofsolidifies whether or not it's
(22:40):
yours, like whether or not it'struly something that you want,
you know, that like you can'tyou can't put down because like
you've chosen it and it's chosenyou, and you know, I feel that
way about a few things that I'mworking on right now that I I I
(23:01):
cannot quit them.
And I think about like thingsthat maybe I have legitimately
quit in my life, and I don'tknow that I'm too good at
quitting really.
I think I maybe put thingsdown, and that's the frame of
mind that I need.
Where it's like you can pickthis up when you want.
Um I've certainly quit jobs,and I've certainly had jobs quit
(23:28):
me, which is always sometimesthe preference because uh you
know, sometimes it's it's like,oh well this person is totally
giving me the cue to no longercontinue, which is maybe a
another bit of grace.
But this past year, really thechariot and the mobile studio
(23:53):
has been such a gift.
I mean, there are days whereI'm like, I need to know that
something has changed in myexterior world, you know, and
I'll show up and I'll be like,this is what I'm gonna get done
today, or this is what I'm gonnatry and get done today.
And to to know how to work yourway around power tools and to
(24:13):
know, you know, what tools to beusing is so exciting, and it's
not as simple as you wouldimagine, or at least I thought,
which was like this tool is forthis, and this is how you get
this accomplished, and this iswhen you use this.
It's like it's not, it's verymuch a puzzle piece when it
comes to certain projects.
(24:34):
You're kind of like, you know,there are options, and you get
to be creative and saying, Thisis how I'm gonna do this, and
you start to expand your levelof curiosity and of comfort.
Like the other day I used atable saw for the first time.
Um I really want to say asawhorse, but I just don't think
that that I'm not gonna promiseto ever get the names right,
(24:56):
but I just know that when thesaw, when the blade itself is
coming up at you and you'repushing something over it and
it's sort of slicing frombeneath versus from overhead, it
is so much scarier.
Like, that is hands down thescariest tool that I've used.
Like, I I used to think thechainsaw was the scariest thing
(25:18):
to use, uh probably from traumafrom a high school experience I
had, where someone that I knewin school was pretty badly
injured from one.
Um But all all tools can bevery tools can be dangerous, you
know, and they can also be justthe most useful pieces of just
(25:40):
human invention.
And yesterday I was reallystepping into a state of flow,
of like knowing where the toolsare, what I'm using, what I'm
gathering, how much time it'sgonna be to be working on this.
And it was like, you know, I'vegot about two hours, which is
not a lot of time, but also is agood window for a smaller
(26:02):
project, or at least gettingstarted on a project.
And it felt so good to knowwhen to start to stay in the
flow, you know, like when youcan't find stuff, boy, it'll
really, really mess you up, butalso to just keep going and man,
that is life, like that is justlife.
(26:27):
You just keep stepping into theflow and the parts that you do
know, and you let go of thisconcept of time because I could
totally say that I could finisha project in two hours, and I
have done it, but you're notevery time.
You just can't sometimes youjust don't see what you don't
see, and you don't know what youdon't know, and the mobile
(26:53):
studio has just been that forme.
It's been many lessons, and I'mreally I'm really grateful.
But I'm also really ready tofinish the parts of this this
studio that I myself can do, youknow.
Like I've gotten much, I'vegotten much better at doing a
(27:15):
lot of stuff, like measuring andcutting, and also changing my
mind and like you know, rippingout something that like isn't
working.
I've gotten much better atbeing honest and not being too
attached to an idea because it'sjust an idea, and there can be
something way better in the nextpart, and you can't get to the
next idea until you see throughthe one that you're holding in
(27:39):
in your head or your heart oryour hands.
And it's a good time, like it'sa really good time to be able
to shadow people that I knowthat are really good with with
building and creating.
It's been so fun to watch themtackle projects so that I can
(28:01):
take that knowledge, thatshadow, you know, that shadowing
in the best way, like man, thatmade me feel good saying that
because I would say one of myshadows is the process and the
system of comparison, and thathas led me to some really dark
places.
But man, when you compare theway you work on something to the
way someone else works, it canreally teach you some things,
(28:24):
you know.
There's quite a there's quite apowerful integration that can
happen there, and that is what'shappened for me.
And, you know, as I as I getfarther into this project,
hopefully she will be road readyin so many ways, and I will be
in a place where I can starttaking her on the road to to be
(28:46):
doing more of these podcasts inperson versus um uh digitally
and virtually, and I don't, Idon't, I'm not super crazy about
that process right now.
Um but I'll get there when Iget there.
And you know, if you're in themiddle of a project that you
(29:07):
thought was gonna take a monthand it's taken almost three
years, you know, subtract thefirst year because that doesn't
count, you know.
It really, I mean, in my case,it really didn't.
And I remind myself that it waslike you got to I got to travel
so much in that year.
I got to do whatever I wanted.
And it's like I couldn't evenenjoy the fact that I could do
(29:28):
whatever I want because someonewas doing the part of the
project that I could not do.
And there's a lot ofopportunity, and there's a lot
of opportunity that exists foryour own personal growth and the
parts of the project that youcannot do.
Like to be able to hand themoff, to be able to step away, to
(29:48):
be able to put something down.
I mean, how was I ever gonnaput this thing down if I knew I
could do everything?
I mean, I don't even know whenit would stop.
Hmm.
If you're thinking about doinga DIY project, my advice really
(30:11):
is to add on another year.
I really, I really would.
I probably I'm subtracting hereand then I'd add on a year.
And that's how I do math, andthat's how I ended up in this
this situation.
Speaker (30:23):
So
It has dawned on me that perhaps I should give Clarity on
a little project that I havebeen slowly making progress on
over the past few years.
Her name is The Chariot, andshe is a mobile studio, which I
thought was I just thought thatthis was so clear.
(00:32):
Me saying the words mobilestudio out loud that that that
would provide all thedescription and the feelings
necessary for anybody comingacross my path to know who I am,
what I do, and why I'm doingit.
You know, I can be on the roadand take my work with me.
Ta-da! And life would besimple.
(00:55):
And I could walk into a roomand no one would ask me what I
do.
I would be very well known forbeing able-bodied, capable, and
artful.
And I'd have this studio todazzle you wherever I went.
Because I'm really intodazzling.
When I decided to do thisproject, I was in a spot in
(01:23):
which I had a very well-paidjob.
And and I was freelancing, andI was in a spot in which I
wanted something undefined.
Like I wanted, I just Iimagined this.
I remember that I had had thisdream that I was skydiving, and
(01:48):
I was in a plane somewhere overI want to say the Congo.
I don't know exactly what thatmeans now in retrospect.
Only that I had no fear injumping, and it was cinematic in
the way that sometimes myexperiences and my dreams can
(02:12):
be, as if I was watching like Ifelt as though it was both me
and then a character I wasplaying, and then also a film
that I was watching and inspiredby.
How do I get to where I'mgoing?
(06:46):
Which in my mind was like, Ineed to get to the West Coast
immediately.
That's what I need to get.
And and yet it was like thepath, like I needed the path
there to be laid with uh withreason and with meaning and with
good intention.
Like I couldn't just go therefor some reason.
I just couldn't go there.
I needed it to be because I wasgoing on a road trip or because
(07:09):
I'd be coming back.
You know, I'm not stayingthere, even though I wanted to
live there and like be there andstill do in a lot of regards.
As much as I want to be andlive anywhere that is
invigorating for me.
But I was absolutely,absolutely more and more taken
(07:32):
with the idea of doing thisproject, like this great project
of DIY.
Like I didn't want to just buysome finished van.
You know, I was looking atbuses, I was looking at finished
RVs, and none of them werelike, I would imagine myself
being in this space, and thefeeling that I would get is the
same exact feeling that I wouldget when I was in my very
(07:52):
gorgeous home, which was that Iwas stuck or trapped, or that I
couldn't feel movement, or thatlife was like happening around
me and not, you know, within thewalls.
And and I would feel thatfeeling many places.
I would feel it, no, my whatthat feeling could find me no
matter where I was at the time.
And it was a feeling that wouldpush me over and overwhelm me,
(08:16):
and quite honestly, was yearsand years of of compounded
trauma and anxiety and nervoussystem obliteration.
And and I didn't know any ofthis at the time, other than
that that feeling was the worst.
(08:37):
You know, it was one of theworst feelings.
It was one of the mostcompounded feelings, more so
than I think the just the totalgut-punching, heart-wrenching
feeling of having your heartbroken.
Like that, that was a feelingthat was almost more manageable
than I think this fear of lifepassing me by that I was trying
(09:01):
to solve by by really runningaway from all the things that
I'd built.
And I didn't think that thatwas what was happening, but it
it very much was.
The mind is wonderful andbeautiful, and mind has an
ability to create solutions, somany solutions, even if the the
(09:26):
best one at the time would havebeen to to sit with the the
discomfort, but I was notequipped to do that, and so I
bought I bought a a trailerproject, and I remember I'd been
laying so much tarot at thetime, and tarot it was is just
this I was such a a glimpse intolike a voice, like a teacher or
(09:59):
some great guidance system thathelped me trust my own self and
also at times and throughgreat, I think, learning and um
distancing myself a little bitfrom it, is able to to not abuse
(10:21):
it and to trust myself and touse it as this way of
articulating or seeing adifferent perspective.
And and the more that I waslaying cards, like in the
morning as I reflected on my dayor I was journaling, the
chariot card would come up.
And and I don't know whenexactly it happened, but I
(10:43):
remember you know, tellingfriends and they'd, you know,
they'd check in and be like,How's the the search going for
the RV and all that?
And and we just started callingit the chariot, like, how's the
search for the chariot coming?
You know, because this cardjust started to manifest itself
and and that's what we referredto it as.
And and I took I took months toto do this, which at the time
(11:04):
felt like forever.
Like I was supposed to knowimmediately.
And then it was it was as if Ibelieved that if you have the
thought, then comes the answer,and then comes the doing, and
then comes the thought of howbeautiful something can be, and
then that beauty becomes itself,and then you get what you want,
and you get on the road, andlife becomes easy and beautiful,
(11:24):
and everything arrives for you.
And in a lot of ways, I'm surea lot of the stuff did in fact
happen for me, but nothing islike immediate other than the
beautiful glimpses of grace thatI think we're given when there
is no attachment or or urgencyin in them coming.
(11:45):
And uh I was I was up in DC.
I remember I was up in DC forabout a month, you know, really
spending a lot of time withsomeone that I someone that I
really liked.
And and yet it was he was justthis great distraction for me
(12:08):
from this this thing that Ineeded that I felt that I needed
to make a decision on.
And and when I came back, I wassupposed to, you know, get my
affairs in order and do aproject or two, and then fly
back up to see him.
And it was so funny because Ihad bought a ticket to see him,
(12:29):
and as I was on my way to theairport, the first trip, I got
to the airport and they werelike, hey, this ticket is not
until May, and it is March,right?
And I was like, Well, that'shilarious.
I guess I'll be visiting you inMay as well, you know?
And so I ended up getting likea new ticket to see him in
March, and then when May wascoming around, I was gonna come
(12:51):
back up, and it was like thisexciting thing, except as May
approached, I was feeling moreand more like I was not doing
the thing that I said that I wasgonna do, which was a really
big, I would say, a pattern forme.
Not that I didn't get to iteventually, but that the path to
(13:12):
getting there was far morepainful than I wanted it to be.
And I just wanted to find thecontainer for my, for this next
part to take place in, you know,and I remember it was like six
hours before my flight, and Idecided to like hop online and
(13:34):
to marketplace, and I and I hadbeen looking for trailers, you
know, for for months, possiblyweeks, possibly months, and the
first fucking thing that pops upis this trailer that is it's
called The Chariot Eagle.
And I mean she was like fifty,she was listed for like $1,500,
(13:57):
you know, a wonderful price.
And I felt viscerally that thiswas this was it.
This is that this is what Iwanted.
This is this was for me.
And I, you know, I reached outto the person and I kind of, you
know, hinted a little bit aboutthe significance of finding it,
(14:18):
not being a total crazy persononline because I didn't want to
blow, you know, blow the magic.
And so I ended up not leaving.
I ended up not going to seethis person that I that I had
been seeing and kind of kind ofobliterating that that
(14:39):
relationship, whatever thatcould have become, because I
just couldn't, I just didn'thave space for it.
No matter how good it was, nomatter how good he was, it was
just like I didn't have spacefor it because I wanted, it was
like I can't have all the thingsthat I want if this thing isn't
ready.
Like I'm not ready if thisisn't ready.
And I it was like this greatfear that I couldn't have any of
(15:02):
the things that I wanted if Iwasn't doing what I had to do,
you know, like as if there wassome great sacrifice needed
because how can you see all thatI am if you can't see what it
is I can do, you know, as if Iwas quite the iceberg and
(15:23):
everything was underneath, andthat felt ominous and and
overwhelming and dishearteningfor me.
And yet here's this trailer,and I was like, let's fucking
go.
And so I showed up, got thetour, and you she was just
(15:45):
fucking, you know.
I remember the picture from theinside, like the inside was
just wires hanging.
It was it was it was like somerotted fiberglass.
I mean, she was a shell.
She was a shell, big back doorthat like came down to the
ground, which is what I haddaydreamed about.
(16:06):
And a side door, which I alsowanted as a you know, smaller
entrance, was perfectly rippedoff.
She didn't even have one.
And I remember texting my myuncle, who has, you know, super
skilled contractor and in inconstruction and home
(16:29):
remodeling, and a very smartperson and a resourceful person.
And I was like, you know,should I do this?
And he was kind of, you know,gauging off of photos.
He was just like, how much isit?
And then and then you know whenI confirmed that it was 1500,
he was like, just fucking go forit.
Like there's no the price likethat.
He's like, you know, you canjust turn around and sell it.
(16:50):
It's fine.
If it doesn't work out, justgive it a go.
And and so, you know, I boughtit.
I bought it.
And I was like, this is it.
Everything's gonna be,everything's gonna happen now.
And boy oh boy, was it insane?
(17:11):
Was it insane to find someoneto build me a door?
The metaphors that were in thejourney of finding someone to
build a door.
I was not in any way, shape, orfucking form ready for the
(17:31):
amount of inquiry that it tookand being blown off, and being,
you know, just waiting andwaiting and waiting, and also
just not knowing, like, that itwas okay that other parts of my
life kept going.
Like it was like as ifeverything else had to stop
(17:51):
because this thing wasn't inmotion, and and it would, I
mean, it broke me, I think, tojust be like, why can't I have
this thing that I want?
When the truth is, is I couldhave had a lot of things that I
wanted totally complete for theright price tag, I could have
gotten something totally done.
Not exactly what I wanted.
I would have been sacrificingthe dream and the desire,
probably.
And yet what I felt viscerallywas that I had to put the time
(18:16):
and energy into my projectbecause I can do it.
And yet I had no idea how to doany of this stuff.
Like the amount of absoluteoverwhelm that I felt in
thinking, like, why did youthink that you could do this?
And I remember when I hadsomeone finally like take so
much interest in the project, Ifelt that feeling of that
(18:40):
camaraderie of when someone isilluminated by inspiration, you
know, like that look that youhave when someone is on board.
And I remember was like, okay,I'm in.
I'm in if you're in, if youwant to build this door, if you
want to do the fiberglass, andthen for the next literal year,
you know, two guys in a boatwarehouse in St.
Pete were working on thistrailer inside and redoing the
(19:04):
floors and the walls.
I mean, she got quite thefacelift on the interior part of
the the design because she wasjust she was a wreck, you know,
and her windows needed replacingand she had an AC, but all the
wiring was cut, and and it wasjust like and I just I just was
(19:28):
so hopeful that that peoplewould show up to do it, and
people were kind of interested,but you know, fiberglass when
there's nothing else in there isa pretty bouncy thing, and like
a lot of these almost I didn'tmeet a single woman that does
fiberglass, but all the guysmost of them were really big
dudes, and they were like,There's no way I'm stepping
inside of this container, andthe end of that year, the quest
(19:55):
to find a door was like Iremember the the the very last
song on my Spotify song list,the very last song that made it
to like the most played of theyear, and I I think it's like 50
songs, right?
Was Cellar Door and the songCellar Door.
(20:23):
And I remember I was sittinginside of Lasana at the gym
after I'd just gotten the textmessage that um you know that
the that I was on to the nextpart of the project, you know,
the door was done and she had adoor.
(20:45):
Like she had a photo of thedoor being on her, and it was
just this this great feat thatall I I just had to keep showing
up, and yet so much it wouldlike ruin weeks, I think, of my
life to just be like nothing'sever gonna change, and this
it'll be this way forever, youknow?
And that was just the beginningof what would be two more years
(21:07):
of trying to figure out how todo stuff, and she is not a
square box, she is not a squarebox, she's made from a boat haul
boat hauler molds, and so thebottom of a boat is for
buoyancy, and they're shaped.
I don't actually know how youdescribe that shape, but it is
(21:29):
not a rectangle, it is notperfectly squared edges, it's
like it's like panels that areare conflicting and and and and
it's you try to you try to builda wall in there, and it's just
like, well, this is not a normalwall, like it goes up in the it
goes up in some places andexpands outwards in others, and
(21:52):
and you know, she was bowed alittle bit from the weight of
the the AC on the top, and itwas just like so many times I
kept thinking like maybe I'lljust stop, maybe I'll just step
away, maybe this isn't supposedto be, and yet I couldn't, like
I could not, I couldn't do it.
And I think about that ideathat sometimes you just can't
(22:19):
put down the the dream, and likethose are the ones that are so
deeply for you.
It doesn't mean that you're notgonna try and put them down, it
doesn't mean that you can'tlike you always have the ability
to quit, but I think it's thefeeling that you feel after
you've quit that sort ofsolidifies whether or not it's
(22:40):
yours, like whether or not it'struly something that you want,
you know, that like you can'tyou can't put down because like
you've chosen it and it's chosenyou, and you know, I feel that
way about a few things that I'mworking on right now that I I I
(23:01):
cannot quit them.
And I think about like thingsthat maybe I have legitimately
quit in my life, and I don'tknow that I'm too good at
quitting really.
I think I maybe put thingsdown, and that's the frame of
mind that I need.
Where it's like you can pickthis up when you want.
Um I've certainly quit jobs,and I've certainly had jobs quit
(23:28):
me, which is always sometimesthe preference because uh you
know, sometimes it's it's like,oh well this person is totally
giving me the cue to no longercontinue, which is maybe a
another bit of grace.
But this past year, really thechariot and the mobile studio
(23:53):
has been such a gift.
I mean, there are days whereI'm like, I need to know that
something has changed in myexterior world, you know, and
I'll show up and I'll be like,this is what I'm gonna get done
today, or this is what I'm gonnatry and get done today.
And to to know how to work yourway around power tools and to
(24:13):
know, you know, what tools to beusing is so exciting, and it's
not as simple as you wouldimagine, or at least I thought,
which was like this tool is forthis, and this is how you get
this accomplished, and this iswhen you use this.
It's like it's not, it's verymuch a puzzle piece when it
comes to certain projects.
(24:34):
You're kind of like, you know,there are options, and you get
to be creative and saying, Thisis how I'm gonna do this, and
you start to expand your levelof curiosity and of comfort.
Like the other day I used atable saw for the first time.
Um I really want to say asawhorse, but I just don't think
that that I'm not gonna promiseto ever get the names right,
(24:56):
but I just know that when thesaw, when the blade itself is
coming up at you and you'repushing something over it and
it's sort of slicing frombeneath versus from overhead, it
is so much scarier.
Like, that is hands down thescariest tool that I've used.
Like, I I used to think thechainsaw was the scariest thing
(25:18):
to use, uh probably from traumafrom a high school experience I
had, where someone that I knewin school was pretty badly
injured from one.
Um But all all tools can bevery tools can be dangerous, you
know, and they can also be justthe most useful pieces of just
(25:40):
human invention.
And yesterday I was reallystepping into a state of flow,
of like knowing where the toolsare, what I'm using, what I'm
gathering, how much time it'sgonna be to be working on this.
And it was like, you know, I'vegot about two hours, which is
not a lot of time, but also is agood window for a smaller
(26:02):
project, or at least gettingstarted on a project.
And it felt so good to knowwhen to start to stay in the
flow, you know, like when youcan't find stuff, boy, it'll
really, really mess you up, butalso to just keep going and man,
that is life, like that is justlife.
(26:27):
You just keep stepping into theflow and the parts that you do
know, and you let go of thisconcept of time because I could
totally say that I could finisha project in two hours, and I
have done it, but you're notevery time.
You just can't sometimes youjust don't see what you don't
see, and you don't know what youdon't know, and the mobile
(26:53):
studio has just been that forme.
It's been many lessons, and I'mreally I'm really grateful.
But I'm also really ready tofinish the parts of this this
studio that I myself can do, youknow.
Like I've gotten much, I'vegotten much better at doing a
(27:15):
lot of stuff, like measuring andcutting, and also changing my
mind and like you know, rippingout something that like isn't
working.
I've gotten much better atbeing honest and not being too
attached to an idea because it'sjust an idea, and there can be
something way better in the nextpart, and you can't get to the
next idea until you see throughthe one that you're holding in
(27:39):
in your head or your heart oryour hands.
And it's a good time, like it'sa really good time to be able
to shadow people that I knowthat are really good with with
building and creating.
It's been so fun to watch themtackle projects so that I can
(28:01):
take that knowledge, thatshadow, you know, that shadowing
in the best way, like man, thatmade me feel good saying that
because I would say one of myshadows is the process and the
system of comparison, and thathas led me to some really dark
places.
But man, when you compare theway you work on something to the
way someone else works, it canreally teach you some things,
(28:24):
you know.
There's quite a there's quite apowerful integration that can
happen there, and that is what'shappened for me.
And, you know, as I as I getfarther into this project,
hopefully she will be road readyin so many ways, and I will be
in a place where I can starttaking her on the road to to be
(28:46):
doing more of these podcasts inperson versus um uh digitally
and virtually, and I don't, Idon't, I'm not super crazy about
that process right now.
Um but I'll get there when Iget there.
And you know, if you're in themiddle of a project that you
(29:07):
thought was gonna take a monthand it's taken almost three
years, you know, subtract thefirst year because that doesn't
count, you know.
It really, I mean, in my case,it really didn't.
And I remind myself that it waslike you got to I got to travel
so much in that year.
I got to do whatever I wanted.
And it's like I couldn't evenenjoy the fact that I could do
(29:28):
whatever I want because someonewas doing the part of the
project that I could not do.
And there's a lot ofopportunity, and there's a lot
of opportunity that exists foryour own personal growth and the
parts of the project that youcannot do.
Like to be able to hand themoff, to be able to step away, to
(29:48):
be able to put something down.
I mean, how was I ever gonnaput this thing down if I knew I
could do everything?
I mean, I don't even know whenit would stop.
Hmm.
If you're thinking about doinga DIY project, my advice really
(30:11):
is to add on another year.
I really, I really would.
I probably I'm subtracting hereand then I'd add on a year.
And that's how I do math, andthat's how I ended up in this
this situation.
Speaker (30:23):
So
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