Crafting a Future After Marriage Ends

Tara Crossley's life took a sharp turn when her husband's traumatic brain injury led to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Join us as Tara takes us through her emotional path from marriage to separation, sharing the profound challenges and personal growth she experienced along the way. Her story is a raw and honest reflection on the realities of living with mental illness in a relationship and the bravery it takes to prioritize the well-being of one's family above all else.

Facing constant conflict and public outbursts, Tara made the tough decision to separate for the sake of her children. Our conversation covers her journey through divorce, emphasizing the importance of addressing unfounded accusations and avoiding gaslighting. Despite the end of her marriage, Tara holds respect for her former partner and recognizes his role as a good father. She shares her insights into navigating financial settlements, co-parenting, and maintaining amicable relations, illustrating the importance of stability and planning for a balanced future.

In this episode, we also tackle the often daunting topic of financial literacy, especially for women undergoing significant life changes. Tara shares her experience managing post-divorce finances and stresses the importance of understanding and controlling one's financial situation. From creating a stable environment for children to the significance of peaceful transitions, Tara's journey offers valuable lessons in personal growth, financial independence, and crafting a new path beyond marriage. Tune in to gain thoughtful guidance and encouragement for anyone navigating similar life transitions.

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.

Sarah Thress
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Real Estate Podcast Come To Find Out:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-to-find-out/id1704949604

Real Estate First Time Home Buyers course: https://sarahthress.graphy.com/

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi and welcome to this week's episode of Thrive
and Decide.
This week, we are talking withTara Crossley, who is a local
real estate agent in Connecticutand parts of Rhode Island, and
I found her on social media.
I've been following her for awhile and I noticed that she is

(00:23):
very open with sharing herdivorce story, and so I reached
out to her and asked if she'd bewilling to, you know, come on
and share her story because,again, you know, as, as you all
know, I think that knowledge ispower and knowing that you're
not alone is huge.
So, tara, thank you so much fortaking time out to meet with me

(00:43):
.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
You are welcome.
This is very exciting.
I love podcasts.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Me too, me too.
So yeah, so again, thank youfor coming on and I appreciate
your willingness, you know, tojust kind of open up and share.
So would you mind kind of justsharing, you know, in a nutshell
, like just kind of like yourmarriage and divorce story so
that people can kind ofunderstand you know what, what

(01:10):
transpired in your life?

Speaker 2 (01:12):
Sure, absolutely.
So.
I met my husband when I wasabout 20, almost 26.
I think I was a single mom atthe time, him and I, so I lived
in.
I live in a military area, sohe was stationed here and I
really loved him, like he.

(01:33):
I had been in a couple of badrelationships.
I felt like he was you knowwhat I was looking for as far as
willing to settle down and getmarried and have kids, and
that's what we did.
We got married and had kids.
He actually is significantlyolder than I am he's 14 years

(01:54):
older than I am and we weremarried for about 16 years, or
together for about 16 years, andthrough that time we had
definitely had our difficulties.
But then he fell off our roofand sustained a traumatic brain
injury.
Unfortunately and of course itwas.
You know, it was setting upChristmas lights actually.

(02:14):
Oh gosh, yeah.
So don't go on your roof duringChristmas, don't go on your
roof at all.
Hire a professional for that.
So he had even said to me thatday you know I'm nervous about
going on the roof and I said,well then, don't do it.
And he still did it anyway andunfortunately he fell off, he

(02:36):
broke his back, he sustained atraumatic brain injury and as a
result of the traumatic braininjury, it was either
coincidental, timing wise, or itwas triggered by the traumatic
brain injury.
It was either coincidentaltiming wise or it was triggered
by the traumatic brain injury.
But he became bipolar andthere's two types of bipolar
disorder bipolar one and bipolartwo.
He has bipolar one andunfortunately that is the worst

(03:00):
of the two evils.
And bipolar disorder is morecommon in men.
More common in men in theirlate 30s to early 50s is when
you are usually diagnosed withthat and unfortunately it is
degenerative.
So I think about it all thetime.
People ask me this all the timeDo you think you would still be

(03:23):
married if it wasn't forbipolar disorder?
I don't know, because so manyother things have happened.
So in that time, you know, I'm43 years old now, I'm not 26
years old anymore.
In that time I had reinventedmyself several times by then in
different careers, you know,getting motivated to be a

(03:46):
healthy person, and sometimes hewas on board with that and
participated, and sometimes itjust wasn't for him and that's
fine.
But this last time I think, youknow, when he really became at
the height of his bipolardisorder, I was in a huge growth
phase.
Our little kids were gettingready to go off to school and I

(04:10):
was really gonna be in a careertransition and I decided to
become a realtor and the switchfrom being at home to working
outside of the home and beingmore independent financially was
really really hard for him,much harder than I ever
anticipated.
I don't know if that triggeredbipolar episodes or if you know,

(04:34):
it's just timing in his lifeand advancement in his disease
that caused like rapid cyclingepisodes, but life really became
unbearable at home and it hadgotten to the point where I said
to myself I absolutely have tocreate a peaceful place for my

(04:56):
children to be.
They cannot grow up in asituation like this.
But I also knew it's notanything I could just rip the
bandaid off and do overnight.
I knew I couldn't just tellthem and then pack my stuff
tomorrow and then have it bedone.
I had to plan financially forthat, I had to plan mentally for

(05:18):
that and in my heart for that.
So I did go to counseling.
I'm the kind of person who'sprobably I've probably been in
counseling off and on my wholelife.
Yeah, yeah, I mean I as soon asI'm hurting or I'm in a
difficult situation, I gostraight to counseling to help,
you know, get help working itout in one way or another.

(05:39):
And so I had had the sametherapist for about five years
and her and I had been goingover this like really a lot in
those five years and she wasreally educating me about
bipolar disorder in general.
I was educated by her thatbipolar disorder is degenerative

(05:59):
and not going to likely getbetter, it's likely going to get
far worse, not going to likelyget better, it's likely going to
get far worse.
And we were really kind ofentering the realm where I was
the glue holding everythingtogether.
So I was the barrier between,you know, a bipolar disorder
resulting in a call to thepolice or DCF or hospitalization

(06:21):
.
Plus I'm trying to work, plusI'm trying to parent our young
kids and shield them from thisdisaster, and it was just
exhausting.
I knew I couldn't do it forever, so I started making the plan
to separate.
So first, obviously, I separatedin my mind and just kept my eye
on the goal of a peacefulseparation and divorce, or as

(06:45):
peaceful as it possibly could be, because when you're talking
about mental illness and someonewho can get off the rails very
quickly belligerence.
You know threats of violence,things like that, even if
they're not violent, really youcan know this person inside and
out your whole entire life.

(07:05):
You don't know that they won'tget violent.
Like nobody knows I mean,anyone who watches Dateline
knows like there were signs.
So in my mind I took that veryseriously.
You know he had never hurt mephysically, he had never really
even threatened me.
He would get, he would advanceon me when we were arguing and

(07:26):
to me that was enough to tell methis could really reach another
level at some point and Ididn't want that to happen.
So my main goal is kind of thesame tack I take in um
contentious real estate deals isto just constantly diffuse,
diffuse, diffuse, diffuse, andwhen you can't diffuse anymore

(07:49):
you retreat.
So that is what I was doing theentire time, just trying to
diffuse any very you knowbombastic situations.
And in the meantime I wassaving money so that if it came
to an emergency situation Icould just pack up my kids and
leave.
I was hoping to be able to justuse that money, you know, to

(08:11):
move into a new home andultimately that's what I was
able to do with it.
But I did have that money setaside in a place that he
couldn't touch, in case I neededto make an emergency exit, in
case I needed to make anemergency exit.
So over this two years, I meanhe can say all he wants that he

(08:32):
was shocked when I finally left.
We definitely discussedseparation on a multitude of
occasions and it was not onlybecause of the bipolar disorder,
it was also because we werealways opposites.
But it came to the point wherewe were such opposites that we
weren't complimenting each otheranymore.
It was like you know, aconstant battle, constant

(08:56):
adversity over silly things,like ridiculous things, like
silverware, or you know thepositioning of furniture in the
house like silverware, or youknow the positioning of
furniture in the house.
He was angry a lot of the timeand it didn't make sense and
unfortunately that's whatbipolar disorder is.
He would be angry at me for noapparent reason or he would be

(09:18):
harboring feelings fromsomething else that would come
out in another way.
And it could have been, youknow, it could be in public.
He might publicly embarrass meor himself.
So it really just got to apoint where I knew I had to make
a move Once I was absolutelysure that this was the right

(09:42):
choice and the right thing to doand I had enough money.
I came up with a plan basicallyto present to him and let him
know that this was going tohappen and that it you know this
is happening.
We're not working it out.
I did not want to work it out.
We had already done this.
We had gone to counselingnumerous times.
At this point, my object was toget into a house that I had

(10:04):
complete control over and Icould control the level of chaos
in the house.
I wanted a peaceful place forthe kids to be orderly.
I'm an orderly, regimentedperson so I wanted to keep that
for my children.
You know, law and order to me,not militant style, but we have

(10:24):
a routine and I feel like itkeeps kids calm and they know
what to expect.
And I just wanted that in placeand in a place where somebody
couldn't be constantlyundercutting it or throwing a
monkey wrench into it.
So he was obviously very upsetwhen I told him this was
happening.

(10:45):
Um, and I gave him a couple ofdays to kind of just let it sink
in.
Um understand that you knowthere was no talking me out of
it that this was the move wewere making and then, of course,
immediately he starts accusingme of being unfaithful.
Of course you know I just thatwas never for me.

(11:08):
If that, if you've done thatand if you, if that was the
demise of your relationship.
I don't have an opinion onother people.
I just saw other people doingthat and I knew it wasn't for me
.
I had enough, enough anxiety inmy life that I wasn't going to
add to it by adding a thirdperson to the mix.
I also didn't truly, truly,truly did not, believe my

(11:32):
husband deserved that.
I did not believe my childrendeserved that and I just was not
interested in it.
Like, I had so many otherthings on my plate and I just
wanted to work this out and Iknew it was going to be
miserable.
There was no question of that.
He convinced himself.
That was the thing I just keptsaying I'm sorry to hear you

(11:53):
believe that let's move forwardbecause we have things to you
know, we have things to work out.
So I just wouldn't stay on thattopic of conversation and it's
easy to be roped intogaslighting and I would say to
anyone who goes through thisjust say I'm sorry, you believe
that we need to move on to otherthings.

(12:14):
Do not get roped intogaslighting.
You can defend yourself to thehigh heaven.
They're going to start twistingwords.
They're going to start usingeverything that comes out of
your mouth against you and nowyou're defending yourself in a
fake scenario.
Yeah, I mean, if you did it,it's another story.
I don't know how to workthrough that with you because I

(12:34):
didn't do that.
That wasn't my experience.
But if you did not do somethingyou're being accused of, don't
spend any time on theconversation, shut it down and
move on, because, I mean,everyone's fallen victim to
gaslighting, and this goes forboth men and women.
You can say your story, yourtruth, to your blue in the face.
It doesn't matter to thatperson.

(12:56):
So don't even bother.
You're not going to get thevalidation that you're looking
for.
So I didn't even feed into it.
To this day, two years out, hereally does believe that I still
did that.
I asked him recently if he hadany evidence.
I said did you ever find theevidence that you were looking
for?
And he said no and I said well,I said I don't know what to

(13:20):
tell you.
I said, maybe if you didn'tfind evidence, it didn't exist
to begin with, like this didn'thappen.
So we're in a much better placenow.
We still definitely are noteach other's cup of tea, and
that's okay.
And he also, you know he was notenjoying my company.
I would say the last five yearsof our marriage either.

(13:41):
He didn't like the things I didand said he didn't like my
friends.
He didn't want me hanging outwith my family.
He didn't want to participatein family functions or outings
or double dates or a social life.
I'm a very social person, sowhen I was doing these things he
would come begrudgingly.
But nobody wants someonesitting there like a lump who

(14:03):
clearly is presenting toeveryone else Hi, I didn't want
to be here to begin with.
I'm just here because she mademe, so he can.
I'm sure he, you know, wasupset about the rejection, but
he can't say he was enjoying mycompany.
I know he loves me.
I love him.
I think he's a good person.

(14:24):
He provided a wonderful lifefor me and my children.
He's a good dad to our kids,bipolar disorder aside, but I
just that marriage was nevergoing to work forever.
I'm carrying you guys with me,but I have to let my dog in.

(14:45):
So at the end of the day, thedivorce was necessary and, like
I was telling Sarah before wehopped on here, people ask me
all the time what's a goodreason for divorce, and I
probably have the easiest, mostgeneric answer you can have Um,

(15:07):
wanting one is a good enoughreason.
Number one you do not want tobe married to someone who does
not want to be married to you.
So it's happening on the otherend and the your partner is
unhappy in the relationship, notnecessarily because you did
anything.
Just you know people grow indifferent directions, or they

(15:27):
change their mind.
Or, after living together for adecade, you might be like I
can't take this anymore.
I feel like wanting one andreally wanting one, feeling it
in your body, your soul, is agood enough reason to want a
divorce.
But certainly domestic violence, constant contention, and it's

(15:51):
really a personal choice.
If you want to spend, you know,a decade in counseling, trying
to fit a square peg into a roundhole, that is entirely up to
you.
We had our rounds withcounseling and I just knew this
time I was really done and itwouldn't matter, you know, if

(16:11):
things were good for a period oftime because things would get
good for a period of time Iwould say that I was going to
leave and then he would be ongood behavior for however long
he could sustain that for, buthe could only sustain it for so
long before bipolar disorder,you know, had the house of cards
tumble down.
So I just knew, even if Iwanted to stick it out, I

(16:32):
couldn't do that for my kids.
My kids needed a peaceful houseto live in.
So once the decision was made,um, he went from being very sad
and very upset and begging me tostay to being absolutely
seething with anger that I wasleaving.
Um, you know, and said all thenormal things that people say to

(16:55):
their partners and spouses whenthey don't want these things to
happen You're cheating, you'retrying to fleece me for
financially, you're going toruin my life, you're going to
take everything I have.
I was not interested in doingany of those things everything I
have.
I was not interested in doingany of those things.
Obviously, we'd been married for16 years, so our assets were
our assets and I wanted those tobe devised in a way that didn't

(17:20):
put either of us in thepoorhouse.
Like, what I said to him was wecan each take 20 to $40,000 and
pay attorneys.
So now we're talking possibly$80,000 in attorneys or we can
try to work this out, because atthe end of the day in
Connecticut it's a no-faultdivorce state.
Your assets and your debts aredivided right down the middle

(17:41):
and child support is acalculation.
Child support is a calculationeven if you have 50-50 custody.
If income is inequitable, youget child support even if the
custody is 50-50.
So in our case we tried to do50-50 custody but at the end of
the day I am the primary parent,so it just didn't work out that

(18:03):
way.
But the child support that wasgoing to be ordered was
ridiculous in my opinion.
It was so much money Like Iknew what our assets were, I
know how much money he makes andI knew what all of our bills
were.
And there was just no way.
I said if he is ordered to paythis, he's going to have to sell

(18:24):
the house, get an apartmentsomewhere in a market that is
crazy as far as rentals go.
And now he's always at themercy of potentially being, you
know, displaced from his homebecause landlords are selling
constantly and I don't want tosee this 57 year old man end up

(18:44):
in like an apartment complex athis age.
No, and I also did not, you knowI didn't.
I was leaving a marriage wherea lot of bad things had happened
, as of late, but I also stillkept in mind that I loved him.
I, you know him and I had manygood years together.
I did not want him to suffer onthat level and I I knew I would

(19:08):
recover financially a lotfaster than he would because
there's a 14 year age gap, um.
So I didn't want to see himhave to delay his retirement
significantly or any of that.
So I said, why don't we whenthing when we can be calm, why
don't we go over the numbers andsee what can happen here?
So, um, our assets more or lessgot split down the middle.

(19:30):
I might have taken a little bitless, but it was something that
I was comfortable doing.
And as far as child support goes, I ended up taking less child
support because he wasn't gonnabe able to pay the bills.
Like that's crazy.
It's crazy to take so muchchild support that the co-parent
can't take your kids on anouting because they can't afford
it.
Like to me, that didn't makeany sense and I wanted the kids

(19:54):
to still have that house to goto.
That was the house that theywere raised in and that I
elected to leave and he got thathouse.
People say that to me all thetime too.
Why did you leave that house?
I left that house.
I've been cleaning that housefor 16 years.
I was done cleaning that houseand I work so much I work 60 at

(20:17):
times, I work upwards of 80hours a week.
I'm not going to maintain a bigass house like that.
I was so over it.
I had already experienced thedream house, the move up house.
All I was fantasizing about wasa tiny little house on a
postage stamp of a yard with amortgage that was affordable to

(20:37):
me, that I wasn't married to, sothat I could do what I wanted
for him Take my kids on outings,go on vacations, still live,
still set aside for retirement.
Sometimes people really do stepover $5,000 to pick up a nickel
and that house also had a 2%mortgage interest rate and I

(20:58):
knew if he had to give that upit would really screw him.
So what we did was we lookedfor a house within under a mile
radius for me to live in withthe kids, because that was the
other thing.
I live in a town that's 47square miles, which is huge.
It has three villages.

(21:19):
If I even moved across town,that's a 20 minute drive between
us.
Imagine that after a 12 hourworkday, you can finally get
home with your kids and they'relike mom I forgot my backpack at
dad's yes.
So we were just trying tofigure out ways to mitigate our

(21:40):
stress as much as possible andmake it as pleasant as possible.
In a dumpster fire, of asituation as we could Now.
With that said, there wereseveral times we had gotten it
all squared away and went to themediator and then he came
unhinged and was like nope, I'mgetting an attorney.
And then I would say, all right, let's take a minute, let's

(22:02):
regroup and, you know, let theworld turn for a day.
If you still feel that waytomorrow, go ahead and get your
attorney for a day.
If you still feel that waytomorrow, go ahead and get your
attorney, and then he would comeback and realize you know, the
attorney is what they do is, andI love attorneys, I work with
them all the time.
But divorce attorneys are adifferent breed than real estate
attorneys a lot of the time.
And for those of you who can dothis without attorneys and use

(22:26):
a mediator who is also anattorney, by the way, when you
have two separate divorceattorneys, the first thing they
do is they look at yourfinancial affidavits so they, in
their mind, they're calculatinga bill they can run up.
That is you're never going towin in that scenario.
Most of the time.
I'll say this If you're in asituation where you cannot avoid

(22:47):
attorneys, really interviewattorneys I would say interview
three or four and ask themquestions like what's the most
important thing to you when youfacilitate a divorce?
If they don't say your children,or if they don't say to keep it
as uncontentious as possible orjust to try to keep things

(23:14):
level and try to keep the peaceas much as possible, this is
going to cost you a horrendousamount of money.
Because if they're the kind ofperson who says I'm going to go
in there like a bulldog andwe're going to get this and
we're going to get that andwe're going to get them for this
or we're going to get her forthat, that is costing you money.
Every single motion, everysingle court appearance, every

(23:36):
single phone call, email textcha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.
You want someone who is goingto go to bat for you, absolutely
, especially if you're dealingwith a narcissistic spouse,
someone who's very sneaky.
But the other thing you want toask is how do you handle
certain situations?
Because I've seen this go acouple of ways and you can tell
me if you've seen this too Withmy friends and clients' divorces

(24:02):
.
The ones that cost the mostmoney are the ones where the
opposing side does absolutelynothing, does not respond to a
motion, does not answer phonecalls, does not make any kind of
move whatsoever.
They sit on their hands andthey let you do all the work,
file all the motions, cost allthe money, all of that.
Those are like 20 plus thousanddollar divorces.

(24:25):
The other ones that are themost expensive are the ones that
are filing false restrainingorders, poas, guardian at latums
, dcf.
When you're filing a motionbased on pettiness, gaslighting
and fear versus reality, thenyou can plan on a divorce like

(24:49):
that costing you $30,000,$40,000.
So you want to ask how theyhandle it, like I would say you
know, mr and Mrs Attorney, howyou.
How are you going to handle itIf his side or her side just
doesn't respond to us?
They need to have a strategy.
And if they don't have astrategy, that's probably not
your attorney, um, and theyshould be able to tell you,

(25:10):
worst case scenario.
How much should I expect thisto cost me?
There's definitely scenarioswhere you will need to have an
attorney, but if you can avoidit, I'd encourage you to avoid
it because you will recoverfinancially much quicker without
one.
Our divorce cost us $3,000.
That's in 2020.
Out one, our divorce cost us$3,000.

(25:31):
That's in 2020.
Where am I at 2022, a divorcecost $3,000.
Yeah, you know that's unheardof, but at the end of the day,
that happened because I was histhird wife, so this was not his
first rodeo.
He knew if we got attorneys, wewere both getting fleeced.
There was no doubt about thatand I just kept saying to him

(25:52):
you can feel how you want tofeel, but we're either both
going to eat filet or we're bothgoing to eat ramen Period, yeah
, and I would rather both beeating filet and be able to fund
our kids' college accounts,have something to leave them,
maybe recover financially a lotfaster, like be recovered in a

(26:13):
year or two years versus 10years.
I have friends who have spentupwards of $50,000, $60,000 on
divorce and they didn't winanything big over that.
Sometimes people's emotions getso wrapped up, especially if
there was infidelity or, youknow, one person did something

(26:35):
you know.
You know just bad to the otherperson financial abuse or
whatever it was.
It's easy to get carried awaywith emotions, but you have to
keep your eye on the prize,which is your future.
So keep your eye on the prize,no matter what this person has
done and I know it's easier saidthan done but keep asking

(26:56):
yourself is this serving you?
Is this the best, is this thehighest and best use of your
time?
I know you're angry, but isthis the best use of your time?
And take a minute, go for awalk, maybe do some exercise,
call a friend, call yourtherapist or whatever, before
you make a rash decision thatcosts you tens of thousands of

(27:16):
dollars, because that's going tohaunt you for the next five, 10
years.
It doesn't make sense.
Winning things like that arenot wins.
So I'll use another example.
I had a friend of mine who had avery contentious divorce.
She was happy in the end, in asense, because she had gotten

(27:38):
alimony and I.
She said I got $2,000 a monthalimony.
I said okay, that's $24,000 ayear.
How much did you pay for yourdivorce?
$42,000.
How long do you have alimony?
For Two years, Wow.
So I said okay, so your alimonypaid for your divorce.
That's not a win, you know.

(28:02):
In my mind and that was one ofthe things that I went over
being married to my husband forsuch a long time was I eligible
for alimony?
Absolutely, but I can addnumbers.
I have a calculator on my phone.
I'm not the sharpest tool inthe shed, but I knew alimony
plus child support, plus thecost of separating in general,

(28:24):
because moving costs money andthere's just other little things
that you don't even think about.
Like I'm taking stuff, he'sgoing to need furniture, I'm
going to need stuff.
Moving itself costs around$10,000.
So I could have gotten thosethings out of him.
It would have rained misery onhim for the longest time.
I don't even know, you know, ifhe would have ended up being

(28:47):
able to retire.
And you have to say to yourself,no matter what has happened, is
this right?
Is this right for my children?
Is this right for me?
Because it all circles backaround.
So you can do that to a spouse,but it all circles back around
so they can't afford to live.
Now they have two jobs.
Well, now you have the kids farmore than you ever imagined,

(29:10):
and now you can't work as muchas you wanted to.
So I mean the offset it's allrelative.
You have to think, really youknow about.
In my opinion, in every aspectof life, At work, in contentious
situations peace wins.
So if you can try to keep thepeace, you're not losing

(29:33):
anything by being the biggerperson You're really not.
You should take what's yours.
I'm not saying you should justwalk away from a lengthy
marriage or a marriage wherethere's children penniless and I
know people who do that toobecause they don't want to deal
with a narcissistic ex who isjust going to draw this out now.
I always say no matter what isgoing on, follow the advice of a

(29:56):
mediator or an attorney.
Do not walk away penniless witheverything you know that you
have into a marriage and yourassets and everything that you
have worked hard for.
But don't be so vindictive thatyou both end up losing.
It just doesn't make any sensebecause really the people who

(30:18):
lose the most when you do thatit's not your ex, it's your kids
.
Every single time, every singletime.
And I told him I said theabsolute most important thing to
me is that we are both able toparent our children affordably.
You know they need to stillhave a sense of normalcy.

(30:41):
They need to feel like you know, one or the other of us, or
both of us, are not in juststraight misery or feeling the
financial stresses that we'regoing through.
And I think, because I hadthought this out so much, I
don't have any regrets about howI went about this.

(31:02):
I had a lot of criticizers onthe way saying different things
to me, and on both sides I hadsome people saying, oh, 50-50
custody, you shouldn't take anymoney from him.
Well, he makes three times theamount of money I make.
Like that's just not reality.
Yeah, and our kids do cost asignificant amount of money.

(31:25):
Not only that, you know certainthings too.
Oh, you shouldn't have left thehouse.
Why would I keep a house just tospite someone displace him from
his home and I can't take careof that house?
Like I'm the one who did theentire outside of the house and
for the most part I did theinside.
Like I was the laundry doer,the dish doer, the domestic

(31:47):
goddess, and we had a housecleaner.
So he still has a house cleanerand he has to do all of the
things that he didn't realize.
I was doing the laundry foreveryone who walked around in
the house, like you know.
They, all they.
I feel like your spouse neverunderstands, man or woman, the

(32:08):
amount you're doing, um, but heunderstands it now.
He he had a couple of meltdownsafter I left the amount you're
doing, but he understands it now.
He had a couple meltdowns afterI left.
I have to do everything and I'mlike, well, who's doing it
before?

Speaker 1 (32:19):
Like weird, I don't know.
Like I guess the the dish fairywent away with me.
Like it's weird, yeah, but umand.

Speaker 2 (32:26):
I, you know, I already knew how much he was
working.
Like I, I couldn't do the snowblowing and the plowing, nor
would I have the desire, becauseI hate snow.
But, um, the garbage, thelandscaping, the weed wagging, I
couldn't do that on that sizeof a property and live my life
the way it is.
Um, I would be miserable.

(32:46):
I'd be married to this house.
It would drive me crazy.
The other thing I want tonormalize for people is having a
normal house and having aprocess to things.
It could take a couple ofmonths or it could take years.
So I have, in two years, I havedone some cosmetics, like just

(33:09):
to make me happy to my house,like paint and some minor
improvements.
But other than that, I mean,you can see behind me, I've got
a boomer house.
You can see the brick, you cansee the old cabinets, I've got
uh paneling everywhere.
Um, so you know, instagramtricks us into believing

(33:31):
everyone lives in these white,white houses where there's
nothing on the countertops andit looks like no one lives there
.
And I have an appliance garageand that's not reality and
that's okay.
I love my little house.
It's important to plan anddesign and think about and

(33:52):
manifest what your future isgoing to look like without your
spouse, man or woman.
And I say this because, likeSarah and I were talking about
earlier, I am not a man hater.
I love men.
I think you're all great to adegree unless you're not.
But that's how I feel aboutwomen too.
You're all great unless you'renot.

(34:14):
And I am not bitter on men.
I'm not bitter on my marriage.
I will do anything for myhusband still to this day.
I help him if he needs it.
We co-parent our children.
I watch his dogs when he goeson vacation.
He watches mine when I go onvacation.
Watch his dogs when he goes onvacation.
He watches mine when I go onvacation.

(34:34):
We do not nitpick at each otheror go at each other about dumb
things just to make our livesdifficult.
If I ever really need anythinglike I'm borrowing his power
washer this weekend.
So another thing I would highly,highly, highly recommend and a
lot of people really have a hardtime with this.
I don't recommend it if there'sa safety issue.

(34:55):
If there's a safety issue, donot do this.
But if there's not, I highlyrecommend you move in walking
distance of your ex and peoplethink that that is crazy.
But number one.
When your kids forget somethingand and they will and they'll
do it often you can say go todad's and get it.

(35:15):
Or if it's winter time,obviously, or if you live in a
busy area, that's notnecessarily safe.
For that, at least, if youworked your ass off all day and
you're exhausted, you can't doone more thing.
You won't take it out on thekids because it's a two second
drive, or maybe your kid, maybeyour ex, will just drop it off
for you.

(35:36):
My kids go to 4-H camp and theywanted their fish and poles the
other day.
So sometime through the night Ihave no idea when this happened
Like a ninja, my ex-husbandleft the fish and poles on my
back porch.
So if we live 20 minutes awayfrom each other, even 10 minutes
away from each other, I don'tknow that that would be a thing.
And moving around the cornerfrom him, my kids have the same

(35:57):
bus, they have the same schools,they have everything.
And people say, oh well, whatif I can't do that?
If you can't, you can't,obviously.
But I'm telling you, it's gold,it's worth every ounce of time.
It saves us and we have a veryloose visitation schedule, so
our visitation is definitelykind of mandated around bipolar

(36:20):
disorder.
Unfortunately, there are justtimes when he is not well and
shouldn't have the kids.
So I have to be available tothese kids 24-7, which was
another reason for the childsupport on a 50-50 split.
It's really not 50-50.
I have to be available to thesekids 24-7, which was another
reason for the child support ona 50-50 split.
It's really not 50-50.
I have the kids, I would say,more than 75% of the time and
the rest of the time they're inschool.
But when he is well, I wantthem to spend as much time with

(36:44):
their father as they want to.
So, and there's also times howmany kids do you have?
I have four, okay, so you knowthey beat the crap out of each
other, uh-huh.
So there's also times that mineare beating the snot out of
each other and whoever is theperpetrator stays home with me

(37:05):
and the other one gets to choose.
Actually, I usually let thevictim choose are you staying or
going?
And whoever is staying, theother one goes to choose,
actually, the other.
I usually let the victim chooseare you staying or going?
And whoever is staying, theother one goes to dad and I'll
call him and I'll say hey, um,are you busy, are you okay?
Um, is it okay if one of thekids comes over because they're
just beating the snot out ofeach other and, uh, it's misery

(37:26):
over here, um, and that'sanother?
You know there's, in my opinion, there's no downside to this.
I will say this in thebeginning he was driving by my
house, but I don't care, it didnot bother me.
I wasn't afraid of him.
Um, I know he was just curiousto see if I was dating or if
there's an extra car in thedriveway or whatever.

(37:46):
I knew he the novelty wouldwear off and it did, um I, he
wasn't inconspicuous about it atall.

Speaker 1 (37:57):
I saw a ninja at that point that he is now.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
Now I would see his white Mercedes drive by, I'd be
like, oh hey, say hi to dad.
Um, but if there is a safetyissue, obviously you can't do
that.
If there's a safety issue, allof the advice I am giving is
different and I would tell you,you know, follow the advice of
wherever you live.
So, where I live, we havesomething called an urgent

(38:22):
crisis center and it's openseven days a week and you can go
there and do an intake and getwhatever kind of help you need.
Also, where I live, there is aphone number called 211 where
you can call for a mental healthevaluation, either on yourself
or someone else that you'reconcerned about, if there is a
safety issue and with bipolardisorder.

(38:43):
I'm well-versed in all of thesedifferent things.
So you have to do whatever yourinstincts are telling you to do
.
But I would say, get all theadvice you can from
professionals, and I would say,within reason also, because
sometimes adding a professionalentity into a situation can be

(39:05):
hurtful at some time.
So follow your instincts.
If you don't think you need it,don't do it.
But I would much rather besafer than sorry.
So if there's more than 50% ofyou that thinks this is going to
be a serious issue.
Call the police, call 211, calla therapist.
You know, leave the situation,do whatever you have to do.
It's easy for me to say youknow, do this, do that, do

(39:27):
whatever.
I was never a victim of domesticviolence in that way.
We definitely had some verbalabuse happening, gaslighting,
manipulation but in no scenariowas I concerned for my physical
safety most of the time, and thetimes I was, I left immediately

(39:49):
.
I would gather the kids andjust go to a different area
until things deescalated and Iwould just recommend you act.
You know, a lot of times we getparalyzed by fear.
I was very paralyzed by fearfor a long time and I know that
you were too, sarah.

(40:10):
You think about all the waysthat this can go south.
You really need, I wouldencourage you to even just get
like a stupid notebook like thisand just write down all the
ways that you will persevere,that you'll end up on top, write
down all of your skills, writedown all of your wishes for

(40:31):
yourself, write down what youenvision your life to look like.
So I actually really do havethe life that I envisioned.
I envisioned a little ranchhouse on a little piece of
property and that's what I endedup with.
I don't think that's anaccident.
I think I manifested that and,subconsciously and consciously,

(40:51):
that's what I ended up with.
I don't think that's anaccident.
I think I manifested that and,subconsciously and consciously,
that's what you know I directedmyself towards and anything is
possible.
And when I say that, I want youto think of that as a positive
thing, I don't want you to think, well, yeah, tara, of course
anything is possible, I coulddie from this.
You to think, well, yeah, tara,of course anything is possible,

(41:13):
I could die from this.
Don't think that way, unlessyou need to, obviously.
And then you have to completelychange course.
But envision your life, act.
Don't be afraid to act, come upwith a plan.
You might not follow that planto a T, but it's going to make
you feel better and better whenthe steps in your plan start

(41:34):
working out.
Yes, women, we are capable ofeverything you can think of, and
you're already doing it.
I guarantee it.
So in my marriage I was thinkingto myself wow, yes, I already
cooked the dinners, I do thelaundry, I clean the house, I
take care of the kids, I takethe kids out on outings.
And that's not to say that myhusband wasn't participating,

(41:55):
because he was, but he wasparticipating.
I was the default parent foreverything and I was the default
person for all things home, andit was too much and he wouldn't
participate in things that Ineeded him to participate in.
So I was already carrying thisload.

(42:16):
Plus, I had a full-time realestate career.
I'm a full-time realtor, whichcan equate to as minimal as 15
hours a week, and then tomorrowI could work 80 hours.
So the unpredictability of thatadds another amount of chaos
Two back-to-back kids that areless than three years apart in

(42:39):
age, very active.
You know, it's like herdingcats.
Plus, you know all of the otherthings that come in life
medical issues with my husbandand all of these things I said
to myself I'm already doing it.
If I took him out of theequation as far as the

(43:01):
contention, the constantundercutting, the constant
adversity arguments, blowouts, Iwould have more time.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
And the other thing, too, that I personally was
experiencing and I know as womenwe experienced this a lot.
There is this attitude, andit's completely wrong, that if
we are not with our childrenwe're bad parents.
So whether you're working orwhether you're having brunch
with friends, if you're not withyour kids, somehow you're a bad
mother.
That is BS.
It's called self-care or caringfor your household.

(43:34):
And my husband did not want meto have a social life of any
kind and I thought to myself Ican solve this problem with
divorce because if I leave himI'll have a guaranteed set
schedule.
I mean, it kind of sounds, itsounds bitchy to say it that way
, but I did say it to him.

(43:54):
I said you know, I said youdon't want me to go and do these
things, you don't want me tohang out with my friends, you
don't want me to go to a familyfunction.
But I could just divorce youand I'd be able to do those
things when you had the kids,like, is that what you want?
Um, you know.
And of course he would be like,well, no, right, but he would

(44:15):
shame me and guilt me if I leftmy children to go to a brunch
with friends or if I hung outwith family and he wouldn't come
, or you know, whatever, it wasUm, and I was right.
So for me, divorcing, um, somepeople say, oh, you know,
divorcing was the feeling richerexperience for you.
Financially, really nothingchanged.
I just made sure when we splitit was equitable.

(44:35):
I wasn't going to take morethan I needed and I wasn't going
to put him in a bad spot.
So financially, reallynothing's changed.
We still have to care for ourkids.
Now we're paying, obviously,for two houses.
So I'm completely responsiblefor my income and paying for two
houses.
So I'm completely responsiblefor our, for my income and
paying for my house.
And I made sure.

(44:57):
Another thing that's veryimportant and I would say dig in
on your finances, know yourfinances like the back of your
hand.
This is so important and Ispent many years being an
ignorant housewife and lettingmy husband just take care of it.
I was lucky he was not beingabusive financially in any way.
But when he fell off our roof Ididn't have a password, I

(45:19):
didn't know how to get lifeinsurance, I didn't know if he
was going to be okay.
He was in a coma.
So you know, I embarrassedmyself.
I just said oh my God, howcould I let myself be so
ignorant?
I'm sitting here basically deaf, dumb and blind to our finances
.
He could have been fleecing usand I would have had no idea.
I knew he wasn't doing thatbecause that's not in his
personality, but I had no ideahow to access those things.

(45:43):
It would have taken me time tofigure it out and, god forbid, I
lost him.
Now I'm in grief trying tofigure these things out when
they should just be written downsomewhere in a safe or whatever
.
Or you should know how toaccess these things or what the
procedure is when you have acatastrophe and when you're
going to split from a spouse.
Go through your finances.

(46:04):
Figure out how much weekly youare going to need to live.
I know weekly and this isn'tnecessarily based on what I'm
paid, but I have to make $1,050a week to live for my basic
living expenses, my mortgage,eating out, doing things I want

(46:24):
to do, my utilities, gas in mycar.
I have to do whatever it takesto make that amount of money.
If I make extra, great, it goesthe extra places.
Money goes, whether it's to avacation or to your IRA or
whatever that is, but you haveto know your finances back and
forth, so find out how muchmoney you are going to need to

(46:46):
live and base everything on that.
And I have people say to me allthe time I'm pre-approved for
$500,000, but that's not themortgage that I want.
I really want a mortgage thatis no more.
For me it was $1,300 a month.
I knew I would need a certainamount of money down to make
that happen, so him and I workedout how that was going to

(47:08):
happen In our situation.
We took a HELOC out on theother house to make the down
payment on this one and then,when he had to separate some of
his 401k to me, I had to pay himback this down payment.
Looking back, I would not do itthat way, so what I would do

(47:30):
instead is have him separatethat amount of money from his
401k and just pay me thedifference.
Because what ended up happeningis we took the HELOC out, I
paid him back out of the 401kand because I took that money
out, even though it was orderedin our divorce the initial it's

(47:51):
called a quadro.
The initial quadro is what Ididn't have to pay taxes on, so
his transfer to me, but anythingI took out to pay back counts
as my income, so I was taxed onwhat I had to pay him back.
So that was a move.
If I had known then I would havedone things a little
differently, but it's veryconfusing.

(48:12):
But it's very confusing andit's very difficult to figure
out who to go to for advice onthose things.
Like our mediator really kindof was clueless about that, it
was really a tax attorney I needor a CPA that I needed to talk
to about that to make sure thatthat portion of it was worded
properly.
But I'll tell you what you'llexperience too At the end of

(48:34):
this road.
When you finally think you havethings worked out, you're
exhausted.
You just want it to be done.
You don't even care if it'scorrect.
You're just like yep, yep, I'llsign.
You're emotionally exhausted,you're physically exhausted and
I was just.
I was done with the constantreiteration of things I was done

(48:55):
with.
We would have it down.
And then, because he's bipolar,he would be like no, I never
said that, I don't want to dothat, and it's like we have it
right here.
You did say that, well, that'snot what I meant, and then we
would start the whole thing overagain.
So it takes a lot of back andforth, but if you can stay the

(49:16):
course and not get frustratedand just say, forget it, we're
getting attorneys, blah, blah,whatever, you'll end up on top,
this is the way you wanna go.
If it's possible for you, thisis the way you wanna go.
But become financially literate.
If you're not, that will saveyou so much headache in life in
general.
And if you're watching this andyou're not even thinking about

(49:38):
leaving a spouse, still, becomefinancially literate.
I would say one of the biggestmistakes women make is not being
financially literate, not onlyabout your marital finances,
about your personal finances.
When you become financiallyliterate about your personal
finances, you automaticallystart utilizing your money

(50:01):
better to your advantage.
So definitely do that and teachyour kids to be literate about
their finances too, because Idon't know about you.
Did anyone teach you that,sarah?

Speaker 1 (50:12):
No, they didn't actually Um, which I've had to
learn, um, a lot of that stuffon my own through making you
know different mistakes andthings like that.
I'm still a work in progress,um, but you know to your point.
That's why, uh, you know, I'mcreating, or have created, this,
you know, group called Thriveand Decide is so that they have

(50:35):
access to you know differentfinancial planners, financial,
you know, coaches and coaches,like financial coaches can
literally do everything from,like, teaching you how to
balance your checkbook towriting a check, to paying bills
.
You know all of the things that, like you know, some people are

(50:56):
like, well, don't you just knowhow to do that?
If you are totally out of it inyour marriage and you know one
spouse handles it all, it mayseem like this is so cool,
everything's paid for.
Well, if something happens, youknow, like in your case, like
your, you know your ex-husbandwas in a coma.
You know, like after histraumatic brain injury and so

(51:17):
you didn't know that.
So, like, if something likethat happens, you know, cool
that they did all of that stuff,but now what?
And a lot of stuff can end upin pre-gay yeah.

Speaker 2 (51:27):
And it's important to not be embarrassed.

Speaker 1 (51:29):
Yes, Never be embarrassed about that.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
So initially I was embarrassed that I let that go,
but then I took responsibility.
I said it was my choice tobecome ignorant, like all I have
to do is become literate.
I will never.
I said to myself.
I will never let this happenagain.
And I didn't, and I was able tomake a better life for myself

(51:53):
as a result of it.
So once that had happened, I wasalways a working person.
So even when I was home with mykids, I had a home daycare.
I would do consulting.
I always sold something I don'tknow if anybody remembers
Jamberry Nails.
Oh yeah, I got to like a high,high level of jamboree.

(52:13):
Um, I paid for the down paymenton our house and, um, I always
was, you know, keeping us out ofdebt, um, paying attention, you
know, to our finances, um, andthen I just got lazy and then,
once, once, I realized how muchthat could cost you.
You know, we take for grantedthat we're going to live forever

(52:35):
and that a freak accident won'thappen to us.
Literally, something couldhappen that incapacitates you in
your own home.
You just and that's whathappened to us Um, you know, my
husband fell off our roofputting up Christmas lights.
I?
Um, accidents happen.
You need to be able to have theability to just act, um.

(52:56):
So write down all of yourskills, write down all of your
income.
Even if it's something stupidlike you're, even if it's like
I'm a couponer, that's income.
Um, and that was another thingI did for years Like I had a
coupon so much deodorant it tookus four years to go through,

(53:17):
but that's all money.
So, even if it doesn't seemlike money to you, I'll say this
, and this is something that Ihad another friend do who was in
a very abusive, scary situationIf you can pull it off, don't
do it.
If you can't pull it off, if youcan pull it off, don't do it.
If you can't pull it off, ifyou can pull it off and your
finances are being controlledwhen you go to the grocery store

(53:38):
, if that's all you're allowedto do, get an extra $10, $20
here and there and squirrel itaway somewhere.
Find little ways to pinch moneyso that you have $1,000 for a
getaway car.
It's $1,000 for getaway.
$1,000.
Cash will get you a hotel nighttemporarily, or you'll be able

(53:58):
to have it if you have to go toa safe house or a shelter.
There's definitely ways, butobviously don't do anything
conspicuous that is going to putyou in danger.
But with my friend I went andbought a prepaid cell phone for
her and we had a hiding placefor it.
And then we had a differenthiding place for her to squirrel

(54:19):
away a little bit some moneyhere and there, and when she
felt confident enough to do it,she went to a safe house and she
knew where that money was andshe was able to get it and
ultimately she was able to leaveher husband with some
protection.
So and I know that thatpendulum swings both ways too so
if you're a man and you're inthat situation, there's ways to

(54:42):
pinch money.
Maybe you're a couponer and youcan sell some of those things,
or, you know, maybe you couponto the point where you're
getting money back at theregister.
But, um, if there's ways topinch a little bit some money
here to keep yourself safe,definitely do it.

Speaker 1 (54:59):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:01):
I love that your group is so amazing.
I'm so excited about that and Ifeel um very honored that you
asked me to be on here.

Speaker 1 (55:09):
Yes, Well, thank you so much and I appreciate you
taking your time.
Um, you know, cause I know thatyou are me to be on here.
Yes, well, thank you so muchand I appreciate you taking your
time.
Um, you know, cause I know thatyou are super busy, so I love
that you took that time and Ireally appreciate you being so
open, you know, with your storyand also giving like such good
practical advice.
Um, you know, and I know thatwe were talking like previously,
um, you know, before we startedrecording, you know, I think

(55:31):
that there's definitely someother episodes that you and I
can, can do together, so I thinkmy ending message is um, don't
be afraid.

Speaker 2 (55:42):
I mean, I looked around in my life at who was
doing this and the ways theywere doing it and I really just
came up with a plan for myself.
You need to come up with a planthat works for you.
And I will also say this I haveno regrets because of the way I
went about doing this and Ithink it was much easier for my

(56:04):
kids.
If you can avoid it and Ibelieve you can, do not bring
another person into your life.
So do not have an affair inorder to accomplish leaving your
spouse.
It's just going to add all ofthis gasoline to an already huge
bonfire and it's really justgoing to create horrific anxiety

(56:29):
all around.
I had friends doing that at thetime that I was just leaving my
husband and they're stillrecovering from that two years
later, which is where I wouldsay, him and I are pretty much
recovered from it.
So there's definitely ways todo it.
Sometimes it seems like theeasy way out, because now you

(56:50):
have another place to land oryou you know somebody else has
created a place for you to go,but it really creates a hundred
more problems that you didn'tneed.
And I will end and just say youcan get a divorce.
It's okay to get a divorce as awoman.
We're always shamed for it.
You will be more than okay, youknow, and you'll recover way

(57:15):
faster than you ever imagined.
You're not going to be wearingthe scarlet letter of divorce 10
years from now.
We're really kind of entering aphase in the world and you can
agree or disagree where peacefuldivorce is trendy.
Yes, like it's almost cool tojust say hey, I like you, but I

(57:39):
do not want to be married to you.
We do not have to throw stonesat each other.
We can just separate.
Like we might argue about thedivision of assets, but we'll
step away from that and thencome together when heads are
level.
Peaceful divorce is gettingtrendier.
I do feel like, even thoughwomen are still stigmatized for

(58:01):
divorcing, that is going awaybecause more of us are speaking
out and share your story andyour discomfort.
I would say if you're goingthrough something, no matter
what it is, I'm open about ourexperience with bipolar disorder
, divorce, a lot of the otherissues that we've gone through
how to parent our kids throughdivorce and what I realize is

(58:25):
people are open to receivingthat information.
Number one because a lot ofthem are experiencing it too.
They were just living in theshadows, afraid to say anything
because they didn't want to bejudged.
What you're going to find outis, out of 10 friends that you
have, probably eight of them arein the same kind of discomfort
you're in, you know, and ithelps to bounce ideas off of

(58:47):
each other.
So that number one you'renormalizing it.
You're feeling better about it.
It's not.
You know, you're taking aproblem that, in your mind, is
so big.
But then you realize all theseother people are dealing with it
too and they live, they survive, they go on to persevere and be
better people because theydon't have the weight of a
miserable relationship weighingthem down.

Speaker 1 (59:09):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (59:11):
Yeah, so it's the fear I think that Sarah and I
want to try to mitigate forpeople, because it is scary.

Speaker 1 (59:19):
Yes, I absolutely agree.
And you know, and that is sotrue.
You know, just trying to figureout.
You know, no, there is nocookie cutter approach to it.
There is, you know, one sizefits all divorce.
You know, just like there's nota one size fits all, you know
one size fits all divorce.
You know just like there's notone size fits all, you know,
guide to raising your kids orgetting married, or you know,
there's just, there's not.
It's all part of life, it's allpart of you figuring out what

(59:41):
works for you.
But I do agree, if you have theopportunity to do it peacefully
, do it peacefully because it'sgoing to save your sanity, it's
going to save if there'schildren involved, it's going to
save their sanity and it's just, you know, ultimately going to
save you money.

Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
It'll save you a ton of money.
It'll save you your integrity.
Yes, because once somethinglike that has had a betrayal of
that level has happened, whetherit's romantic or financial,
you're never to be trusted again.
Unfortunately, and other peopledo kind of you know, head
scratch that they're like oh youknow, I wouldn't have thought

(01:00:22):
you'd be the kind of person todo that, or whatever it is.
It can follow you in that way.
Negativity what you focus on,expands.
So negativity begets negativity.
And I, I think I know, I firmlybelieve what comes around goes
around.
Karma does get you and miserywill rain down on you if you

(01:00:44):
have rained it down on someoneelse.
So you just don't.
It's much easier to not.
And let me tell you it wasn'tfor lack of temptation.
Yeah, you know, I'm one ofthese people.
I had a massive makeover in thelast five years.
I blossomed in my 40s.
I was really kind of dorky,overweight and like frumpy most

(01:01:06):
of my life, and then I wentblonde.
I had plastic surgery, I gotlip injections, um, so it wasn't
for a lack of it wasn't for alack of temptation.
What I would do is I had raginginsomnia, because I think the
other thing is is, once we hit40, our hormones are like crazy,
um.

(01:01:26):
So I would have insomnia andthere would be times where, you
know, I would get hit on bypeople either at work or at the
gym or whatever, and I would belike, oh, that's very tempting
thinking about it, like.
And then I would just say getyour ass on the treadmill and
run until you're tired, becauseyou don't want to do that and
mainly, I did not feel like hedeserved to be hurt like that.

(01:01:47):
I didn't want to hurt mychildren, but I also did not
want to hand over the upper hand.
I wanted to maintain the upperhand.
I did not want to damage myintegrity in that way, and that
kind of behavior also expands.
So if you're open to that, thenwhat happens is you attract
other people like that and thenit's kind of a never ending

(01:02:09):
cycle.
It's like a cycle you can't getout of of kind of very risky
behavior, and it's risky becauseyou're risking your finances,
your reputation, your integrityand you're not going to feel
good.
I don't know anyone who doesthis, who says highly recommend.
I've never met a single personwho says that.

(01:02:32):
So it's much easier just to getthrough it.
And you will, you'll getthrough it.
It might take months, it mighttake a year, sometimes it takes
two years, but think of positivereplacement activities and I
feel like you will feel goodabout it in the end.
It's almost like a challenge,like the 75 hard.

(01:03:01):
Yes, it's like let me get outof this divorce without doing
something completely shitty.
Yes, it's like a challenge.
So once it's over you're likeoh, and then you don't even have
the desire.

Speaker 1 (01:03:17):
Yes, I totally agree.
I totally agree.
Well, thank you so much fortaking time out.
Like I said, uh, I know you'resuper busy.
Um, I love your story, I loveyour openness and, um, you know,
I'm certain that people thatare listening are like, oh my
gosh, like I get it.
You know I was, I'm in thatsame boat, or I was in that same

(01:03:38):
boat, or holy goodness that waslike.
You know so many good nuggetsthat, um, you know, I I can pull
this off.
So, thank you so much.
Um yes, and thank you toeveryone for listening so much.
Um.
Thank you, yes, and thank youto everyone for listening.
Um, you know, definitely, makesure that, uh, you are leaving a
review, um, because that is thegreatest feedback that you can

(01:03:59):
give Tara and myself.
Um, make sure that you'resharing this um, because that is
the biggest compliment that youcan give Tara and myself.
Um, and follow along on thisshow so that you never miss an
episode.
And, uh, you know, you juststay on top of um everything and
so you don't feel alone.

Speaker 2 (01:04:16):
So, thank you so much .
Nobody should feel alone.
And uh, if you want to see moreof my uh ridiculous Instagram
antics and some of my divorcestory, uh, you can follow me on
Instagram at Tara Crossleyrealtor.

Speaker 1 (01:04:31):
Perfect.
Yes, and I'll put that in theshow notes so that that way
people can find you.
Obviously, if you're in theConnecticut Rhode Island area
and you're looking for a greatrealtor, definitely look up Tara
, because she can take greatcare of you.

Speaker 2 (01:04:48):
I will take great care of you and I'm awesome at
getting people through thisdivorce stage of a sale.
Yes, yes, I will take greatcare of you and I'm awesome at
getting people through thisdivorce stage of a sale.

Speaker 1 (01:04:55):
Yes, yes, I love it, excellent.
Well, thank you so much andwe'll see you next time on
thrive and decide, bye.