November 6, 2024 • 49 mins
After experiencing the profound loss of her husband to a rare cancer, Whitney Frazier's life took an unexpected yet inspiring turn. Join us as Whitney bravely shares her journey from the heartbreak of losing her partner to discovering her passion for nursing, ultimately achieving her doctorate while raising a child alone. Her narrative is filled with the lessons of resilience and determination, offering a beacon of hope to those navigating the complexities of grief and career challenges.
Whitney’s candid reflections provide an intimate look into the emotional landscape of grief and healing. As she transitions from the darkest days to finding solace in her role as a single mother and a healthcare professional, Whitney discusses the transformative power of self-care practices like yoga. This episode shines a light on the strength it takes to prioritize personal well-being and maintain a connection with her late husband through cherished memories and signs, all while pursuing long-held dreams in the face of adversity.
This compelling episode also embraces the importance of community and listener engagement. Whitney encourages feedback and sharing as she aims to build a supportive space for those facing similar struggles. By weaving in personal growth and the balance between independence and future relationships, Whitney's story emphasizes the enduring presence of loved ones and the power of resilience. Whether you're seeking guidance, inspiration, or a heartfelt connection, Whitney Frazier's journey is sure to resonate deeply.
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sarah (00:00):
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide.
Today we are going to betalking with Whitney Frazier.
I have known her, gosh, sincekindergarten.
Yes, since Vicki.
Yes, yes, so, yeah, so I'veknown her for, you know, a
couple of years and yesterday,right, exactly exactly Um.
(00:30):
But I asked her to join us todaybecause, uh, I find her so
inspirational because,unfortunately, she has dealt
with a lot, um, you know, a lotof loss and um, but she has
overcome it and she has kickedso much butt and as raised, you
know, or is actually stillraising, a child on her own and
um, you know, I just I asked herto come on to just kind of
share her story of, you know,meeting her husband and then
(00:53):
just kind of the process of, youknow, everything that she went
through.
And, you know, I don't want to,I don't want to spoil it, I'm
going to let her, you know, kindof share her story but, um,
it's very inspirational andhopefully you all will find it
just as inspirational as I do,because, you know, she was dealt
(01:13):
some really, really crappycards and, uh, she has made the
absolute best of it and um, youknow, just got her doctorate in
nurse practitioner and, um, Iliterally could not be more
proud of her and everything thatshe's done.
So, whitney, thank you so muchfor taking time out to talk with
us.
Whitney (01:27):
Yes, happy to yeah.
Um, where did I start?
Yeah, yeah, just you know wheredid you?
Meet Clayton.
Okay, so with that I mean thatcan go on forever.
We had something too, but thatwhole like like my story from
(01:49):
him beginning to end but um, sowe randomly met one night out.
we were at a local dive bar and,um, it's kind of random, we
went to the same high school.
He was a senior, our freshmanyear of high school.
I kind of remember him walkingaround, didn't know him, um, but
we had ended up with like a tonof friends in common and I went
up there one night to meet mycousin, ran into somebody else I
(02:09):
knew and he was sitting theretalking to them and we ended up
talking all night long and Iremember thinking I think he's
like, he likes me.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I don't know, Like I was, just like I don't know,
he's a really tall skinny guy.
Whitney (02:28):
I know, like I did, I was just like I don't know.
He was a really tall, skinnyguy and like he's really skinny
and I'm like I don't know,because I'm not a skinny girl.
That was like we looked alltogether but I kept running into
him like that particular weekand then my ex came up to me and
was like Clayton will gojogging with you, I'm like, and
I could tell he was never gonnaask me out.
So I like ran into him likeseriously again two nights later
, like what's your number?
And so that started that wewent on our first date like two
(02:52):
nights later we were engaged infour weeks later.
I love that.
And then I mean we I wasfinishing up my first bachelor's
and so I wanted to wait untilthat was done.
So it was like another year anda half later that we got
married.
Clayton was at that point anadmission from cancer.
(03:13):
It was a really rare cancer, ananomyosis to carcinoma, and we
were both just young enough andI was young and dumb enough to
be like, so it really helped himto stick.
We were like it's fine, it israre, but it's also really slow
growing, and so we kept beingtold that slow growing, slow
(03:33):
growing like it may come back,but it could take years, and so
I lived in the thought that I'llhave 30 years.
No, yeah, okay, not the greenest, but that's 30 years.
We got married.
We were married two and a halfyears.
(03:53):
Moved to Seattle in September of2006.
New Year's Eve no, not NewYear's Eve, december 30th At
midnight he had to go into thehospital and he was having
bacterial infection.
His cancer was a head, neck andthroat cancer and he was kind
(04:13):
of prone to it.
It was the first time since wehad been together that that had
been an issue and then that kindof started the process of
finding out he had already comeback.
He actually, when we moved toSeattle, was in culinary school.
He continued that he wasworking full time.
There wasn't really anytreatment for it.
It was in his lungs and, like,as long as it's not bothering
(04:36):
you, again, it's slow growing,it's fine.
And it was slow growing, butprobably about two years in he
thought he was having someshortness of breath we went in,
everything looked fine.
But the oncologist got up andwas like, if you want, we can go
ahead and move.
It's fine, it's fine, okay,yeah, let's go get that out
(04:57):
great let's be done with this um, so he did that again.
We thought we were like, well,we're good for a while, um, and
so we're like, well, if we'regonna have a kid and it seems
like a good time to do it, hewas done with school, um, I at
that point.
So, in the process of him beingsick, um, I should say so as a
(05:18):
nurse practitioner I actuallyconsidered going back to my
maiden name and I decided no,because the reason why I decided
to even go into nursing wasbecause of him.
Um, I was trying to.
I had a I have a degree inpublic relations that never
really got used and I was tryingto figure out what to do.
And in the process of him beingin the hospital, I would just
(05:40):
remember looking at the nurseand be like that's it, that's
what I want to do, um, and so Iwanted.
I was initially going to go topediatric, um, or pediatrics for
nursing, and um, yeah, so I was.
I wouldn't be in this field ifit wasn't for that experience,
but I was already starting umprerequisites for nursing.
(06:04):
I mean, in public relations youhave no sciences.
I think I do entomology, andthat was about it.
I had to keep a Madagascarhissing cockroach for a pet like
that was my science class.
Sarah (06:14):
I had to do that too, because my degree was in public
relations.
Whitney (06:18):
Yeah, and I remember we were supposed to touch it and
make it hiss and stuff and and Imade my roommates do it.
I'm like I'm not touching thatthing, yeah, so anyway, I'm
starting on that.
And one I mean I really want todo nursing.
But two, thinking ahead to now,I had already decided that,
(06:40):
like that, I was going to dothis for me.
Um, I came from a family that Iwas the youngest of four.
My parents got a divorce when.
I was eight, my dad moved to adifferent country and there was
significant age differencebetween my siblings and I and my
sister in particular, got tosee a lot of benefit of having
(07:00):
them be together and I got noneof that and some of the stuff
she got to experience I actuallynever cared about.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I never felt like I missed out but I was like I
literally was never givenanything, so I was like I'm
gonna make this happen for me,I'm gonna do something that I
want to do and I'm gonna makethis happen um, so I was already
working on the prerequisitesfor nursing um.
Whitney (07:22):
We had our daughter.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
We moved back to Tulsa and within a month of
being he he was kind of startingto have some weird like anxiety
stuff, right after she was born, we kind of just talked about
to like yeah your dad's stuff,yeah, but we had been home about
a month and he was uh,radiation caused quite a bit of
(07:44):
damage.
Whitney (07:45):
Now there's a lot more that they do to kind of
alleviate that damage or kind oflessen it and stuff that wasn't
being done yet.
So he was experiencing chronicpain and morphine was like one
of the only things that helped.
And one day it was aroundThanksgiving, I think, it was
like right after Thanksgiving wehad been out and about doing
stuff and he was complainingabout not feeling.
(08:06):
Well, um, there was somethingat his mom's he wanted to get
and I was like, well, let's goover there.
She was at work, but we wantedher to hang out for a little bit
.
And he just said he wanted togo lay down in the gash and take
a nap.
I was like, okay, I'm justtalking to a friend, and I was
like I need to go check on him.
(08:26):
And I went in and he was blue,or he was going blue and I had
to shake him, shake him, shakehim before he started breathing
again or something.
I mean that was, that was thebeginning of like the downhill
Cause.
He just kind of they didn't findanything at that point.
They thought he had pneumonia.
Then they thought it was due to, like, it's possible he had
(08:49):
taken too much morphine, likemaybe he got his timing off
because he wasn't charting andhe was just like yeah, it's been
about a couple hours, I'll takea little more, whatever, but
that was the first 10 years thathappened.
Um, but it, let's see.
That was end of novemberbeginning, beginning of December
.
It wasn't until April that theydefended, after multiple stints
(09:10):
in the hospital, that firsttime he actually ended up in ICU
and that was the first time heended up there.
Um, but then in April we foundout his cancer did come back so.
Sarah (09:22):
I mean.
So how old was Eliza at thispoint?
Whitney (09:25):
so this point we left for treatment she was eight
months old, wow, and we ended upin florida for treatment.
So I was in florida, new mom,driving my sick husband.
I mean I was in the car atleast three hours a day just
driving him to and from hisappointments, and having her
(09:48):
like it Every week was a littleworse she did.
We were able to get her intolike an in-home daycare a couple
days a week, so that washelpful.
But I mean I just now I'm okaywith the idea of going to
Florida, even off vacation, likeTampa Bay to me Sorry Tampa Bay
, lovely people.
But if I never saw that placeagain I would not be upset.
(10:11):
But yeah, so he actually gotthrough treatment.
His last PET scan showed that hewas clear.
We actually got a clear PETscan result on his 35th birthday
, november 5th of 2010.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
And overall he was doing really well.
Whitney (10:33):
But he wasn't out of the woods yet.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I mean, he still had a lot of work to do.
Whitney (10:36):
He had lost a lot of weight.
He had a lot of damage from theradiation, Like his jaw was
recessing back.
Basically, he did end up havingto have a PEG tube.
The last well, I guess he gotthat in I mean like almost last
year was like he had a PEG tubefor feeding.
I mean like almost last yearwas like he had to pay two for
(11:01):
feeding.
And I remember Christmas timelooking at him and thinking I
don't know something's notfeeling right.
But he was still functioning inthe world, like I mean, he
wasn't something that I mighthave to be on hospice or
anything.
And he again he got thesebacterial infections and this is
the point that the doctor'slike just keep some, just always
(11:23):
have the antibiotic on hand.
So we did that he was showingsigns of it again, um, but
ultimately I think his body wasjust too worn down because he he
woke up on a Sunday, was havingthose issues, I had to go in
and work, woke up on a Sunday,was having those issues, I had
to go in and work.
I remember it was kind of acold, snowy day even.
He just wasn't feeling good.
So he and Eliza, our daughter,ended up just hanging out at his
(11:46):
mom's house for the day so momcould help out.
And then he came home thatnight and a lot of times when he
wasn't feeling good he wouldjust sleep out on the couch and
so he was sleeping out on thecouch and I remember um waking
up at like three o'clock in themorning and he was still.
(12:09):
He was like awake, watching tv.
I was, eliza had woken up, I wastaking her, and I just remember
, like, waking up and you know Idon't want to go back to bed
and then the next morning,probably seven o'clock in the
morning, I remember Eliza wakingup and I brought her to my bed,
it's okay.
I remember looking at her andbeing like this is it?
(12:34):
Like this is the life I wanted,this is the thing I wanted, and
it was.
That moment was shattered likeliterally a half a second later
and I heard we were staying withmy mom because we had been.
When we moved out from Seattle.
We were like we'll go stay withmy mom until we get jobs and to
trade and all that.
And then we got sick and so wewent to Florida, came back, we
(12:55):
were still with my mom and Ihear her screaming, isn't it?
And I knew like I went out andI already knew um and she called
911 and they're asking me tocheck and do CPR and I'm like
his jaw, like there's no way Ican even get it open enough, and
(13:16):
I just remember thinking likethat's it, it's okay and um, it
was uh yeah, and so everybodycame, they took him to the
hospital and I'm like he'salready gone and I remember my
mom saying well, you know, wecan always pray for a miracle,
you know something might happen.
and I remember looking at herand saying I don't think that's
(13:39):
the thing to pray for at thispoint, because I mean his
quality of life had gone downquite a bit.
And it had gotten rough,literally in the last three
weeks of his life.
I mean the last couple weeks Icould barely understand him, but
until that there was a goodchunk of time, like a of years,
where I was one of the onlypeople I could actually
understand when he was talking,because the job situation and
(14:02):
all about him, the cancer.
And he passed five days beforemy birthday.
His funeral was the day beforeand on my birthday I remember
just being a crying mess likethat, like just wallowing in the
(14:25):
darkness and just um, I endedup going over to a friend's
house and just to kind of getout and I mean Eliza was with me
and I, eliza laid down for anap, and I laid down with her,
and I mean it's about just thatwhole day felt dark.
Like we went out, we were justlike goldies to get a burger or
(14:47):
whatever you know, just fordinner, but just the whole day
felt dark.
But the next day after that Iwoke up and I thought I don't
want to feel like that, I can'tfeel like that.
I have a kid here that like Ican't do that, um, and I
remember even saying somethingabout that and everyone was like
well no, you need to allowyourself to do it.
I'm like that wasn't grieving,that was being swallowed Like
(15:12):
that.
No, that wasn't healthy, like Imean not to say it was
unhealthy, but I just know me,and if I had let myself stay
there too long, I don't know ifI would have ever gotten out of
it.
And so I just you know I got, Imean.
I hate to say, like I just toldmyself, I'm not going to do that
because that's not something Imean just anybody can do, but
(15:34):
that was just one of thosethings are like I'm not going to
do that, I can't do that, umand so to me, this whole also
this whole time I'd still beentaking my prerequisites and when
I decided to become a nurse, itwas also my end goal was always
to be a nurse practitioner andI mean, I have gotten away from
(15:56):
that a few times.
So I'm like, yeah, I want to doit, but kind of, the universe
kept guiding me back to that.
So, yeah, that was.
I was 32 years old a single momto a 15 16 month old and waiting
tables at the time.
And a year later my mom wasdiagnosed with cancer again.
(16:20):
She had been dealing with thislike weird form of skin cancer
which I'm like it's freakingskin cancer, like it wasn't
something.
It wasn't a type that you wouldthink that, oh, you're going to
die from, but in her case itwas just like if anything could
get wrong it went wrong, it waslike a lot of surgery was gone
badly or her response to it wasbad and just kind of so it was
(16:41):
yeah, that was fun.
So less than two years I lost myhusband and I lost my mom, with
a big answer.
And I just I mean, like I'vebeen told several times, in fact
, I have a friend right nowwhose husband was diagnosed with
ALS.
And so and I mean they're older, you know, older than me and
(17:04):
they've been married 20something years and even
yesterday I saw her and she'sjust like I just don't know how
you did it with the baby and I'mlike I didn't really have an
option.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
And I've been told that by a few people, like
during losses or whatever.
Whitney (17:21):
Like my cousin lost her mom and she's like I don't know
how you did this with the baby,like how you were able to do
this.
I'm like I didn't have a choice.
It was sink or swim, you know.
So I just swam as best as Icould, and that doesn't mean I
didn't practically drown a fewtimes, but I just did it and, um
(17:42):
, I just kind of kept at it andkept at it and my path to here,
like in terms of nursing, I tooka longer path.
I did the LPN to associate RNto bachelor's, to DNP and that's
a long route.
I mean, most people would belike I'm just gonna do a
straight enter BSN program, dothat four years and go on with
(18:06):
my life and then maybe do theDNP.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
But I would so most of my daughter's life.
Whitney (18:11):
I've been in school in one form or another, and I've
told her I'm not going backuntil she's done with high
school.
So she starts ninth grade thisyear, but I already got thinking
about going back on that.
So I'm like I'm going to giveit a year or two and then see
what she thinks.
There's just some sort ofpatience and stuff that I want
to do, nothing as big as this,but I mean that's kind of it in
(18:33):
a nutshell, but yeah, I mean,you know, before I lost Clayton,
I'd already lost my dad, andthen lost my mom.
And in 2018 is actually when Igraduated from an RN program and
a week before I was supposed tosit for boards, my brother
unexpectedly died, so I pushedboards back a week.
I mean just a week well, I meanI don't know I.
(18:59):
Well, I mean, I don't know I.
Yeah, I kind of actually feltlike I was like, oh, I should
just keep my normal day.
He'd be disappointed in me forjust not doing it, for like
pulling off because of him.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Cause I didn't really feel right.
Whitney (19:08):
I was like no, I need to do the stuff.
But you know if you're not allabout um, but I mean like.
I.
I said it wasn't just astraight path, it wasn't like
I'm going to do this, I'm goingto do this, and I just stayed
right on that path the wholetime.
At one point after I finishedmy associates program, I was
(19:30):
thinking do I really need to geta bachelor's in nursing?
I don't know.
I don't know if I want to be anurse practitioner anymore,
really like public health,thought about going back to get
maybe a master's in publichealth, but out of nursing
school, I got a job working forthe University of Tulsa at their
student health center, andthat's literally the only reason
(19:53):
why I went on to get abachelor's, because, um, it was
more or less free.
I mean, like there was, becauseit was full-time, like I had to
pay for a few hours everysemester but I still, you know,
it was still really cheaprelatively speaking.
So then I had the bachelor's.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I'm like all right, cool.
Whitney (20:11):
Well, I got that, now I'm good.
And then COVID hit and justruined my job.
Like I love that job more thananything in the world and it
just kind of ruined it.
And it ruined like, um, my bossthere we had talked about, I
mean kind of my thought, ofdoing like the master's in
(20:33):
public health.
We, we were trying to do moreoutreach on the campus.
I was actually doing some likeSTI training or training, but
like just kind of presentationsand stuff, and we wanted to
expand that and kind of do alittle bit more.
And she was totally on boardwith it.
But COVID changed thestructuring of it and it just
(20:57):
became very obvious and likethat's not, that change is not
gonna happen, um, and so Ithought what can I do?
I was like well, tu does havethe D&D program and I know the
instructors there.
I'll apply and see what happens.
And well, they let me.
And I'm still like I mean um.
So right now, all of us areeither studying for boards or
(21:19):
taking boards.
Half of my class is takingboards and one of them has an
interview on Monday.
She's like I have horribleimposter syndrome.
I'm like, uh, I'm not evenconvinced I can pass boards.
So, yeah, like um, oh, yeah,I've got horrible imposter
syndrome and I, I hate thatanybody.
I work with knows that I'vegone through this because one of
(21:42):
the guys I work with.
He's like hey.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Dr Whitney.
Whitney (21:45):
And I'm like and he said it in front of a patient
and I'm like, please don't dothat.
Um, but I'm finding more andmore of the nurses that have
cause.
I I work in mental health andI've only been working in mental
health specifically for noteven quite a year, yet there are
definitely nurses that are moreseasoned in it.
Um, some nurses have workedthere longer than I have,
(22:08):
although there are, in general,um newer nurses, but they're
stressing.
Do you think it's okay if I dothis and this?
Do you think I'm like, don'tmake me a doll in the room yet.
I'm not even licensed yet.
Don't do it, but yeah, so Idon't know that's uh, I mean
that, I guess, is kind of quickand short of that um you know, I
(22:29):
did do things like because, um,the bsn program was practically
free, mostly free, low cost,whatever I did decide and you
know at the time.
I told a couple people and itwas very controversial decision
that I made.
But I'm like, yeah, I think I'mgonna have to do it this way,
(22:52):
because I'm not rolling in moneyand I'm raising a kid, so if I
ever want money to actually fitthe down payment on a house, I'm
going to do this.
So I use my student money as mydown payment.
I'm like, and you know whatit's worked out.
Well, I bought my house inMarch, end of February, March of
(23:15):
2020.
Nice, yeah, and actually endedup being better about that.
So I have, I've had one kind oflike trick in my bag that a lot
of people do not have, and thatis I have a very supportive
mother-in-law and, um, I thinkthat's sometimes weird to people
(23:36):
that I still call and refer toas mother-in-law Like they're
confused, but I'm like what sheis is like she's my mother
figure right now, and she's beenvery supportive, but at the
time she was able to pay cashfor the house, and this is where
that became, I mean, like Icould have just bought the house
and whatever, but this is wherethat came in really handy,
(23:58):
because the market was startingto competitive.
Rates weren't going down yet,though, but it was getting
competitive.
She's like how about this?
How about I buy the house forcash just to make it a better
deal for the seller, and thenyou can pay me back?
Cool, great, awesome, did that?
I think I had to wait like 90days or something for that to
work.
Um, so then, but in that time,right, so, so, so, so you know
(24:24):
yeah, that's like I mean I loveI have like stuff like that
Definitely, um, but yeah, that'sthe thing is I'm like I don't
know, I I just I don't know, Ijust I don't see myself as being
that unique or stronger.
I'm just like I just work withwhat I have.
(24:45):
Like I just I mean there weretimes that I would work the
system Like I mean I gotsurvivor benefits and I went
into, I kind of did, I did themath and realized I can go back
to working full-time but if I do, that I lose some of those
benefits.
(25:10):
When I compared the two Irealized if I actually worked
less and kept those benefits, Iwould have more money coming in
monthly and because it wouldhelp with I would have more help
for Eliza's insurance, fordaycare, all of those things and
I was like and that actuallyput me in a position where I
could say I can go back toschool and I can do this.
(25:32):
So I did look I mean thecircumstances and stuff.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
But I was like well, if this is what I'm given this
is what I'm going to work with.
Whitney (25:40):
And so in that sense I worked the system knowing that
at the end of the day, like itwould come back to me tenfold,
and I feel like it has come backtenfold plus stuff.
So like I don't, I don't havemuch name in my game from that
front and like I gladly you know, used all the support that I
could get for that.
So those that was me, I mean Ireally don't think I'm anything
(26:04):
special.
Sarah (26:08):
Well, and I get that, Um, but I hope that you know that
people that know you view you asa phenomenal inspiration, I
mean I.
I mean I know that I live, youknow, 12 hours away, but like
I've watched.
You know, I watched your story,um, you know, cause, obviously,
you know, once you likegraduate college and everyone
(26:32):
starts, you know, going theirown way, like it's hard to like
stay as close as, like we werein high school.
But, um, you know, I alwayswatched your story.
I remember when I, you know,found out that Clayton had
passed and I just sat in myhouse and sobbed uncontrollably.
I did.
Um, and I just hugged mydaughter and I was just like
holy crap, like I, I don't evenknow, I don't know what I would
(26:54):
do.
And then I've just watched thisamazing.
I mean I call it kind of acomeback story because you could
have just curled up in thefetal position and just said F
it, I'm done and I can't do this.
But instead you were like nope,okay, I'm gonna cry, as you
should, and I'm certain,obviously you still have times
(27:18):
whenever it hits you, which isfully, fully normal.
Um, but I mean I, I and I knowyou and I know that you are just
, you're such a humble person,but you are such an inspiration,
which is why I really wantedyou to be on this, because I
mean, I just just watching youhas always been such an
(27:39):
inspiration to me.
Um, so yeah, and I mean thatyou know like from the bottom of
my heart um, so yeah, and Imean that you know, like from
the bottom of my heart.
Whitney (27:52):
Um, I did try to do so.
Uh, a friend of mine, she hasthis interesting house like I.
I'm not even 100 sure how shecame to own it.
She was in real estate anywayit's a house, but it's zoned
very oddly so it's also zoned tobe like a fraternity and
sorority house and thensomething else, which basically
means it's a residential housebut she can do anything in it
(28:14):
and so she's kind of she's alocal artist and so her studio
is in the garage apartment, butthen she uses the main house for
different things, and one ofthem is this weekly wednesday
morning yoga class and it's ait's a private thing.
I mean like people invitepeople to join it all the time,
(28:35):
but I mean it's more or lesskept as a private class and, um,
love it.
I mean, yeah, I have not overthe last.
I went last summer for severalweeks and then I just kind of go
(28:57):
intermittently here and there.
Um, but it literally waseverything I hate in life like
it was.
I don't like classes where it'slike I'm a burn, just stare
into their eyes Like or getclose and go hug everybody, I'm
(29:17):
like no.
I'm good, but there wassomething about this class and
the first time I went it was oneof those where, like and it
doesn't happen at every- class,but particular class.
That was like the one thing.
That was like I don't know.
I was sitting there staringeven for like okay, uh-huh, and
like share things with you and Idon't even know you like this
feels very weird.
(29:37):
Um, that would be what Inormally said, but for whatever
reason, in that moment Iabsolutely loved it.
I can't remember the totaltheme of that class, but
basically we were supposed to betelling ourselves that whatever
, that negative thought we'vebeen telling ourselves, tell
ourselves the opposite of that,and so we were doing that.
(30:02):
And the other part, probably myfavorite part of the class the
yoga is one thing and the yogainstructor, like she's a
next-level instructor, likeshe's the instructor in like the
meditative yoga, like that Ilook for and there's just
something so spiritual about herand her approach.
(30:22):
And so the class itself isamazing.
There's so many things I'vetaken out of her classes that I
use in my everyday life.
Like the stress of the lastyear and a half.
I would not have been able toget through without some of
those lessons.
But the thing that day was um,after every class, like it's
(30:43):
like a two hour thing, so firsthour is yoga and then the second
hour.
It's kind of socializing time.
But then we kind of come backtogether in a circle and you
know she may um a lot of timesshe'll have like tarot cards and
she'll have everybody pull acard.
Um and actually after that Ibought tarot cards and
everyone's just pull withintention, and so she was
(31:09):
wanting us to go around and saylike a word or something that we
wouldn't normally say aboutourselves, and that was the
first time I said I'm a badass.
And so ever since then, I saythat like I do.
I try and tell myself that on aregular basis, and it's
definitely it's kicking in morethan it was.
(31:30):
I'm still not going to.
Oh no, you're a badass I still,I'm still like I just I mean, I
just I hear that a lot, notnecessarily specifically the
badass, but just like you'reamazing, you can't done all this
.
I'm like I just think I justhad to.
Yeah, I'm like you just haven'tbeen in that position, it's
(31:50):
fine.
Um, I will say, though, the onething that I've been uh I mean
I've for the most part I've beensingle for 13 years.
I mean I've been on dates hereand there and talk to people
here and there, but definitelynothing serious.
Um, and then there've beentimes I'm like, oh, we hate
(32:14):
being single, but man, I'm suredo like being able to do my own
thing more than I hate beingsingle.
I like being able to make thesedecisions for myself and my
daughter in our life.
And, um, just, I already knew Iwanted to do something else.
Um, I kind of put some careerstuff on hold.
(32:39):
When I met Clayton early, justchoosing to be in that
relationship and get married,there were things that I just
was like I'm going to let thatcareer goal go and I'm okay with
that and that's totally fine,and I do that a million times
over but because I had alreadydone that once, even for love,
(33:02):
and I don't regret it.
I just had this thought.
I'm like I'm not doing thatagain.
I know I need to.
I don't want to put myself in aposition where I'm putting
anything about my goals on holdagain.
I mean, you know, if you findsomebody, you find somebody and
you're willing to make thosecompromises and that's fine and
great, but I just like, I justdon't even and I don't want to
(33:27):
put myself in that position.
Sarah (33:28):
Um, I always say you should never settle on a house
or a spouse, cause those are thetwo like biggest things, um,
and so I believe that if youwould have met another person,
clearly no one's ever, evergoing to take Clayton's place.
But, if you found someone witha connection like, similar to
what you had with him, I thinkit might be a different story
but I love that you're notsettling yeah, I mean a thousand
(33:51):
percent.
Whitney (33:52):
And, um, clay knew what my end goal was, and so I'm
like what are the chances thatI'm really going to meet
somebody that is going to be onboard?
Like, so I'm here, but I'mgoing to end up all the way down
here.
It's going to take some timeand it's going to take some
finances and resources.
That would be like, yeah,that's cool.
(34:12):
So it was just like, yeah,they're out there, I'm sure, but
I was just like it wasn't.
I'd rather bet on myself thangamble on somebody else and then
working out the way I thinkthey're going to work out
somebody else and then workingout the way I think they're
going to work out.
So you know, and I I've hadseveral friends lose spouses
(34:34):
over the years.
So I mean, a couple of themhave gotten remarried.
Some it's worked out, for someit hasn't worked out, for Some
are still just trying to figureout life, know and, and
everybody's on their own journey.
But sometimes I think, man, I'mjust glad.
I'm glad that for myself Ididn't wasn't looking, you know,
(34:58):
right away.
I just I think, um, my daughterwould have liked it, because
she was like I, she knew early,really really I was like once I
hit 40, there's no new babiescoming.
I was like I don't even care,I'll have.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
I mean like if Clayton had lived we might have
had a second one, because hewould have wanted a second one,
but honestly I was fine with oneand so that was for all of me.
Whitney (35:20):
She's like I just want a sibling.
Oh, I'm like you'll be fine.
Yeah, I had siblings.
They're overrated.
Yeah, I mean, of course shesees me and my sister now but
I'm like, look, do you want toknow what it was like living
with a sibling?
Like it's rough.
Oh yeah, yeah, but um yeah.
So I mean, that's the only thingthat kind of bumps me out about
(35:43):
that is that she, I mean, and Icould still meet some with the
kid, but it's not reallyprerequisite of mine, and I'm
okay, whatever, um, I thinkshe'll still love to be happy
yeah, you know even never havinga sibling, so that that's not a
thing for me, but I love thatunless you probably miss out on
(36:04):
um, but otherwise I'm like.
I rather enjoyed our lifetogether it hasn't always, it
definitely hasn't always beeneasy.
Finances, I mean like choosingto take these things on like
you're also choosing to not goon like really nice vacations or
you know, do a lot of things.
But, um, I feel like I've kindof kept it.
(36:26):
I'm trying to do my best tobalance it and anytime I've made
a decision, it's always been,she's always been at the
forefront.
She always had to be thepriority.
So just if I kept her thepriority and I could see how it
could be done still keeping herthe priority, then I can make it
happen.
Sarah (36:45):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that.
Well, and I like too that you,you know, have incorporated um
self-care.
You know, by going to this yoga, stepping outside of your
comfort zone, um, you know, likeleaning into the feelings, like
if you're really, you know,just like in the feelings, like
you're crying it out and you're,you know, you're letting
yourself, which is all very,very healthy, um, and so I think
(37:09):
, you know, even just you being,you know, open to sharing this
story, I think, is very helpfuland very therapeutic.
Um, you know, if you had any,like any, piece of advice, um,
that you would give someone thatmaybe is going through
something similar, maybe theiryou know, their spouse is sick,
(37:29):
um, or they just passed, like,what do you like?
What piece of advice do youwish someone had told you?
Or what piece of advice wouldyou give someone?
Oh gosh, I know I put you onthe spot.
Whitney (37:44):
I know, I was like I don't know if I knew anything.
I just I just did um, you know,you're the biggest, you're
gonna make it.
You know, um, my friend withals, or her husband with als, um
they have an rv and I guessthey just took it out and she's
(38:05):
like the last trip and I waslike it's never the last trip,
it's really not.
Even when they're gone, theyalways present themselves in
weird ways.
I actually, over the yearsthere's a couple people in
particular that have well,anytime somebody has something
(38:25):
going on.
They have a dream about whatthey tell me.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
But there's a couple people that they were like uh, I
mean like you have to kind ofbelieve in this and I you know I
go with it and I kind ofbelieve it too, but um, kind of
feel like they would come to himto send messages to me.
Whitney (38:43):
that's's actually happened a couple of times and
it made sense when they told mewhat he was saying.
So I mean they presentthemselves in different ways.
Clayton's thing was he washysterical.
He was by far one of thefunniest people I've ever known,
and so funny thing that thatthere's a funny thing and a very
(39:09):
sweet thing.
But it almost broke me actuallywhen I found it, but um, the
funny thing was on ouranniversary our first
anniversary after he died he wascremated.
Um, clayton did the smoke potand he had a dugout and I just I
wanted to take some ashes tothe place where we were married
(39:31):
and I didn't have anything tolike I don't take all of them so
I used one of his dugouts I'mlike that's enough.
Like, because I was like whatstuff do I have appropriate to
carry this in.
And so I took him, I took hisdugout and my friends were great
(39:52):
.
We went and did brunch, we hungout at a restaurant on the
river and we were just enjoyingthe day and one of his best
friends came and met us and wewalked down.
We got near an hour, well, andwe walked down there and we
scattered the ashes and had agood cry and you know, went on
about our day.
Uh, I, I remember I had to gohome for something, but uh,
(40:16):
there was a show going on atCanes that night that we decided
we wanted to go to.
So I go home, get ready, grab mypurse, go and they're doing the
security check and I justfreeze.
I'm like, oh shit, the deadbottle's still in there and
they're like we're gonna have totake this.
I'm like no, no, you can't takeit and they're like we have to
(40:40):
like no, you don't understand,my dead husband was in there.
And they're like the securityguy's like looking at it, like
putting his hands in it, lookingat the ashes, and I'm like,
yeah, I'm not lying.
They're like here you go andjust handed it.
But now the story is, yes, theygot confiscated at cane and one
(41:01):
of the stories like I shouldjust let him have it like, like
that would be fun, to just lethim like stay at Kane and see
what happens yeah.
I'm like, I mean just randomstuff, like that happens.
But let's see, I think it wasactually on Valentine's Day,
maybe the day before.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I feel like it was on .
Whitney (41:19):
Valentine's Day, I was looking for a business card that
would have been in his wallet.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
I remember it was for the active interest he was
going to.
Whitney (41:29):
I wanted to go, and so I was looking through his wallet
and I'm looking through andthere's a fold-up paper in there
and I pull it out and those arewedding vows.
He had held them in his walletthat whole time.
I was like ah, and just lost it,but they're always appearing
Like the story doesn't end there, and that was, I mean that was.
(41:53):
The nice thing too is becausehe said it actually at a moment
of irritation with his mom, whowas also widowed, and it
involved somebody that she wasseen and he.
He didn't feel like she wasbeing the most forthright about
the relationship, like they werefriends, but she was like feels
(42:16):
like there's something elsegoing on.
But he just got reallyirritated about the situation.
He was just like, when I'm done, you better get me married.
But he meant it.
I mean he really did, and so,um, that was, that was a nice
gift that he also gave me.
Like anything about me moving onwas never about like feeling oh
(42:39):
, am I betraying them, or it wasnever about, uh, not feeling
okay moving on.
I've've actually always Iactually pretty quickly felt
okay with the idea of moving on,and I think I did so quickly
because he was okay with it.
Like he may have been mad whenI said it, but I mean he kind of
said it other times too.
So I was just like, I mean hemeant it.
(43:00):
So it was kind of like havingpermission in a way.
But yeah, I mean just rememberthat they're always there.
Um, I did have a friend passaway a couple of years ago from
cancer, but prior to that he hadbeen dealing with it for
several years.
And, um, he did tell me hedidn't worry about his, his wife
(43:26):
and his daughters because hehad seen me go through it.
So he's like I know they'll beokay.
And I and actually I didn'treally know his- wife, but I
reached out to her and told herthat he said that she, she knew
who I was and, um, I was like Idon't really think it's as much
a a check mark on me or like ayou know a positive on me as
much as like I think there'smore of a way to get you, then
(43:47):
you can definitely do it.
You know, um, but yeah, I mean,life goes on and you have to
keep living, so I just I feellike I would be letting him down
if I did anything else thanthat.
Keep moving on, yeah, yeah,that's about the way my I mean.
(44:08):
You know, it's not the end,it's really not, it's just.
It's just another chapter yeah,I love it.
Sarah (44:15):
Well, I really appreciate you like sharing all of that
with us and, you know, justbeing so open about it and, um,
I, I mean I, even though you andI went to high school together
and you know, just like you,like I, I, you know, didn't know
him at all, but I can assureyou he is looking down and he is
(44:35):
smiling at you and he is sofreaking proud of you.
I know he is.
So, yes, yes, well, thank youso much, and I, I know that you
know people that are listeningare, you know they're they, they
were there with you and theyfelt it and you know, I think
that you know you're justcontinuing to be an inspiration.
(44:55):
So, thank you so much.
Oh, can I actually say one morething?
Of course, you can.
Whitney (44:59):
This is actually not for any spouse, anybody going
through it, but for anybody whohas a friend going through it.
I think the greatest thing Iwas told and the person it came
from.
They were friends that I knewfrom Clayton and they said this
and they've always stuck to it.
But I always try to tell itmyself because I'm like people
(45:24):
need to know that when the timecomes and somebody loses a loved
one if you care about them atall, just let them know that
you're there with a quietcitizen, because that is the
worst part.
So just that's my only thing forevery, for the rest of people,
it's just that's the worst part.
It's not the actual death orthat week of where everybody's
(45:44):
like yeah, everyone's there andbringing you the food and it's
afterwards.
It's that quiet so just yeah,if you're, if you're listening
and friends dealing with this,just remember to be there for
them in the quiet and let themknow that you are there yeah, I
love that.
Sarah (46:00):
I love that.
No, I love that.
I think that's such greatadvice because you know, even if
someone can't relate to whatyou've gone through, we all,
sadly know someone that has gonethrough it and you know and I
think that's such great advicetoo Like how can we be better
friends and better people forthe people that are going
through that?
Whitney (46:19):
So there's, there's a lot of people.
I feel like that kind of trailoff out of fear and not knowing
what to do.
I'm just like don't be afraid.
Sarah (46:27):
Yeah, just reach out and just say hi, yeah, I love it.
Well, thank you and um, thankyou everyone for listening.
Um, please make sure that youuh leave a review because, um, I
truly believe that um feedbackis a gift and uh, it allows me
to you know, kind of know, if,um you know what you heard
resonated with you, or ifthere's something else that you,
(46:50):
you know really want um to betalked about.
Um definitely share thispodcast with someone that you
think um could use it.
Uh, that is the greatestcompliment that you can give me
is um just sharing that um andthen subscribe so that you never
miss an episode.
So, thanks so much, and we'llsee you next time on thrive and.
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide.
Today we are going to betalking with Whitney Frazier.
I have known her, gosh, sincekindergarten.
Yes, since Vicki.
Yes, yes, so, yeah, so I'veknown her for, you know, a
couple of years and yesterday,right, exactly exactly Um.
(00:30):
But I asked her to join us todaybecause, uh, I find her so
inspirational because,unfortunately, she has dealt
with a lot, um, you know, a lotof loss and um, but she has
overcome it and she has kickedso much butt and as raised, you
know, or is actually stillraising, a child on her own and
um, you know, I just I asked herto come on to just kind of
share her story of, you know,meeting her husband and then
(00:53):
just kind of the process of, youknow, everything that she went
through.
And, you know, I don't want to,I don't want to spoil it, I'm
going to let her, you know, kindof share her story but, um,
it's very inspirational andhopefully you all will find it
just as inspirational as I do,because, you know, she was dealt
(01:13):
some really, really crappycards and, uh, she has made the
absolute best of it and um, youknow, just got her doctorate in
nurse practitioner and, um, Iliterally could not be more
proud of her and everything thatshe's done.
So, whitney, thank you so muchfor taking time out to talk with
us.
Whitney (01:27):
Yes, happy to yeah.
Um, where did I start?
Yeah, yeah, just you know wheredid you?
Meet Clayton.
Okay, so with that I mean thatcan go on forever.
We had something too, but thatwhole like like my story from
(01:49):
him beginning to end but um, sowe randomly met one night out.
we were at a local dive bar and,um, it's kind of random, we
went to the same high school.
He was a senior, our freshmanyear of high school.
I kind of remember him walkingaround, didn't know him, um, but
we had ended up with like a tonof friends in common and I went
up there one night to meet mycousin, ran into somebody else I
(02:09):
knew and he was sitting theretalking to them and we ended up
talking all night long and Iremember thinking I think he's
like, he likes me.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I don't know, Like I was, just like I don't know,
he's a really tall skinny guy.
Whitney (02:28):
I know, like I did, I was just like I don't know.
He was a really tall, skinnyguy and like he's really skinny
and I'm like I don't know,because I'm not a skinny girl.
That was like we looked alltogether but I kept running into
him like that particular weekand then my ex came up to me and
was like Clayton will gojogging with you, I'm like, and
I could tell he was never gonnaask me out.
So I like ran into him likeseriously again two nights later
, like what's your number?
And so that started that wewent on our first date like two
(02:52):
nights later we were engaged infour weeks later.
I love that.
And then I mean we I wasfinishing up my first bachelor's
and so I wanted to wait untilthat was done.
So it was like another year anda half later that we got
married.
Clayton was at that point anadmission from cancer.
(03:13):
It was a really rare cancer, ananomyosis to carcinoma, and we
were both just young enough andI was young and dumb enough to
be like, so it really helped himto stick.
We were like it's fine, it israre, but it's also really slow
growing, and so we kept beingtold that slow growing, slow
(03:33):
growing like it may come back,but it could take years, and so
I lived in the thought that I'llhave 30 years.
No, yeah, okay, not the greenest, but that's 30 years.
We got married.
We were married two and a halfyears.
(03:53):
Moved to Seattle in September of2006.
New Year's Eve no, not NewYear's Eve, december 30th At
midnight he had to go into thehospital and he was having
bacterial infection.
His cancer was a head, neck andthroat cancer and he was kind
(04:13):
of prone to it.
It was the first time since wehad been together that that had
been an issue and then that kindof started the process of
finding out he had already comeback.
He actually, when we moved toSeattle, was in culinary school.
He continued that he wasworking full time.
There wasn't really anytreatment for it.
It was in his lungs and, like,as long as it's not bothering
(04:36):
you, again, it's slow growing,it's fine.
And it was slow growing, butprobably about two years in he
thought he was having someshortness of breath we went in,
everything looked fine.
But the oncologist got up andwas like, if you want, we can go
ahead and move.
It's fine, it's fine, okay,yeah, let's go get that out
(04:57):
great let's be done with this um, so he did that again.
We thought we were like, well,we're good for a while, um, and
so we're like, well, if we'regonna have a kid and it seems
like a good time to do it, hewas done with school, um, I at
that point.
So, in the process of him beingsick, um, I should say so as a
(05:18):
nurse practitioner I actuallyconsidered going back to my
maiden name and I decided no,because the reason why I decided
to even go into nursing wasbecause of him.
Um, I was trying to.
I had a I have a degree inpublic relations that never
really got used and I was tryingto figure out what to do.
And in the process of him beingin the hospital, I would just
(05:40):
remember looking at the nurseand be like that's it, that's
what I want to do, um, and so Iwanted.
I was initially going to go topediatric, um, or pediatrics for
nursing, and um, yeah, so I was.
I wouldn't be in this field ifit wasn't for that experience,
but I was already starting umprerequisites for nursing.
(06:04):
I mean, in public relations youhave no sciences.
I think I do entomology, andthat was about it.
I had to keep a Madagascarhissing cockroach for a pet like
that was my science class.
Sarah (06:14):
I had to do that too, because my degree was in public
relations.
Whitney (06:18):
Yeah, and I remember we were supposed to touch it and
make it hiss and stuff and and Imade my roommates do it.
I'm like I'm not touching thatthing, yeah, so anyway, I'm
starting on that.
And one I mean I really want todo nursing.
But two, thinking ahead to now,I had already decided that,
(06:40):
like that, I was going to dothis for me.
Um, I came from a family that Iwas the youngest of four.
My parents got a divorce when.
I was eight, my dad moved to adifferent country and there was
significant age differencebetween my siblings and I and my
sister in particular, got tosee a lot of benefit of having
(07:00):
them be together and I got noneof that and some of the stuff
she got to experience I actuallynever cared about.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I never felt like I missed out but I was like I
literally was never givenanything, so I was like I'm
gonna make this happen for me,I'm gonna do something that I
want to do and I'm gonna makethis happen um, so I was already
working on the prerequisitesfor nursing um.
Whitney (07:22):
We had our daughter.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
We moved back to Tulsa and within a month of
being he he was kind of startingto have some weird like anxiety
stuff, right after she was born, we kind of just talked about
to like yeah your dad's stuff,yeah, but we had been home about
a month and he was uh,radiation caused quite a bit of
(07:44):
damage.
Whitney (07:45):
Now there's a lot more that they do to kind of
alleviate that damage or kind oflessen it and stuff that wasn't
being done yet.
So he was experiencing chronicpain and morphine was like one
of the only things that helped.
And one day it was aroundThanksgiving, I think, it was
like right after Thanksgiving wehad been out and about doing
stuff and he was complainingabout not feeling.
(08:06):
Well, um, there was somethingat his mom's he wanted to get
and I was like, well, let's goover there.
She was at work, but we wantedher to hang out for a little bit
.
And he just said he wanted togo lay down in the gash and take
a nap.
I was like, okay, I'm justtalking to a friend, and I was
like I need to go check on him.
(08:26):
And I went in and he was blue,or he was going blue and I had
to shake him, shake him, shakehim before he started breathing
again or something.
I mean that was, that was thebeginning of like the downhill
Cause.
He just kind of they didn't findanything at that point.
They thought he had pneumonia.
Then they thought it was due to, like, it's possible he had
(08:49):
taken too much morphine, likemaybe he got his timing off
because he wasn't charting andhe was just like yeah, it's been
about a couple hours, I'll takea little more, whatever, but
that was the first 10 years thathappened.
Um, but it, let's see.
That was end of novemberbeginning, beginning of December
.
It wasn't until April that theydefended, after multiple stints
(09:10):
in the hospital, that firsttime he actually ended up in ICU
and that was the first time heended up there.
Um, but then in April we foundout his cancer did come back so.
Sarah (09:22):
I mean.
So how old was Eliza at thispoint?
Whitney (09:25):
so this point we left for treatment she was eight
months old, wow, and we ended upin florida for treatment.
So I was in florida, new mom,driving my sick husband.
I mean I was in the car atleast three hours a day just
driving him to and from hisappointments, and having her
(09:48):
like it Every week was a littleworse she did.
We were able to get her intolike an in-home daycare a couple
days a week, so that washelpful.
But I mean I just now I'm okaywith the idea of going to
Florida, even off vacation, likeTampa Bay to me Sorry Tampa Bay
, lovely people.
But if I never saw that placeagain I would not be upset.
(10:11):
But yeah, so he actually gotthrough treatment.
His last PET scan showed that hewas clear.
We actually got a clear PETscan result on his 35th birthday
, november 5th of 2010.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
And overall he was doing really well.
Whitney (10:33):
But he wasn't out of the woods yet.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I mean, he still had a lot of work to do.
Whitney (10:36):
He had lost a lot of weight.
He had a lot of damage from theradiation, Like his jaw was
recessing back.
Basically, he did end up havingto have a PEG tube.
The last well, I guess he gotthat in I mean like almost last
year was like he had a PEG tubefor feeding.
I mean like almost last yearwas like he had to pay two for
(11:01):
feeding.
And I remember Christmas timelooking at him and thinking I
don't know something's notfeeling right.
But he was still functioning inthe world, like I mean, he
wasn't something that I mighthave to be on hospice or
anything.
And he again he got thesebacterial infections and this is
the point that the doctor'slike just keep some, just always
(11:23):
have the antibiotic on hand.
So we did that he was showingsigns of it again, um, but
ultimately I think his body wasjust too worn down because he he
woke up on a Sunday, was havingthose issues, I had to go in
and work, woke up on a Sunday,was having those issues, I had
to go in and work.
I remember it was kind of acold, snowy day even.
He just wasn't feeling good.
So he and Eliza, our daughter,ended up just hanging out at his
(11:46):
mom's house for the day so momcould help out.
And then he came home thatnight and a lot of times when he
wasn't feeling good he wouldjust sleep out on the couch and
so he was sleeping out on thecouch and I remember um waking
up at like three o'clock in themorning and he was still.
(12:09):
He was like awake, watching tv.
I was, eliza had woken up, I wastaking her, and I just remember
, like, waking up and you know Idon't want to go back to bed
and then the next morning,probably seven o'clock in the
morning, I remember Eliza wakingup and I brought her to my bed,
it's okay.
I remember looking at her andbeing like this is it?
(12:34):
Like this is the life I wanted,this is the thing I wanted, and
it was.
That moment was shattered likeliterally a half a second later
and I heard we were staying withmy mom because we had been.
When we moved out from Seattle.
We were like we'll go stay withmy mom until we get jobs and to
trade and all that.
And then we got sick and so wewent to Florida, came back, we
(12:55):
were still with my mom and Ihear her screaming, isn't it?
And I knew like I went out andI already knew um and she called
911 and they're asking me tocheck and do CPR and I'm like
his jaw, like there's no way Ican even get it open enough, and
(13:16):
I just remember thinking likethat's it, it's okay and um, it
was uh yeah, and so everybodycame, they took him to the
hospital and I'm like he'salready gone and I remember my
mom saying well, you know, wecan always pray for a miracle,
you know something might happen.
and I remember looking at herand saying I don't think that's
(13:39):
the thing to pray for at thispoint, because I mean his
quality of life had gone downquite a bit.
And it had gotten rough,literally in the last three
weeks of his life.
I mean the last couple weeks Icould barely understand him, but
until that there was a goodchunk of time, like a of years,
where I was one of the onlypeople I could actually
understand when he was talking,because the job situation and
(14:02):
all about him, the cancer.
And he passed five days beforemy birthday.
His funeral was the day beforeand on my birthday I remember
just being a crying mess likethat, like just wallowing in the
(14:25):
darkness and just um, I endedup going over to a friend's
house and just to kind of getout and I mean Eliza was with me
and I, eliza laid down for anap, and I laid down with her,
and I mean it's about just thatwhole day felt dark.
Like we went out, we were justlike goldies to get a burger or
(14:47):
whatever you know, just fordinner, but just the whole day
felt dark.
But the next day after that Iwoke up and I thought I don't
want to feel like that, I can'tfeel like that.
I have a kid here that like Ican't do that, um, and I
remember even saying somethingabout that and everyone was like
well no, you need to allowyourself to do it.
I'm like that wasn't grieving,that was being swallowed Like
(15:12):
that.
No, that wasn't healthy, like Imean not to say it was
unhealthy, but I just know me,and if I had let myself stay
there too long, I don't know ifI would have ever gotten out of
it.
And so I just you know I got, Imean.
I hate to say, like I just toldmyself, I'm not going to do that
because that's not something Imean just anybody can do, but
(15:34):
that was just one of thosethings are like I'm not going to
do that, I can't do that, umand so to me, this whole also
this whole time I'd still beentaking my prerequisites and when
I decided to become a nurse, itwas also my end goal was always
to be a nurse practitioner andI mean, I have gotten away from
(15:56):
that a few times.
So I'm like, yeah, I want to doit, but kind of, the universe
kept guiding me back to that.
So, yeah, that was.
I was 32 years old a single momto a 15 16 month old and waiting
tables at the time.
And a year later my mom wasdiagnosed with cancer again.
(16:20):
She had been dealing with thislike weird form of skin cancer
which I'm like it's freakingskin cancer, like it wasn't
something.
It wasn't a type that you wouldthink that, oh, you're going to
die from, but in her case itwas just like if anything could
get wrong it went wrong, it waslike a lot of surgery was gone
badly or her response to it wasbad and just kind of so it was
(16:41):
yeah, that was fun.
So less than two years I lost myhusband and I lost my mom, with
a big answer.
And I just I mean, like I'vebeen told several times, in fact
, I have a friend right nowwhose husband was diagnosed with
ALS.
And so and I mean they're older, you know, older than me and
(17:04):
they've been married 20something years and even
yesterday I saw her and she'sjust like I just don't know how
you did it with the baby and I'mlike I didn't really have an
option.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
And I've been told that by a few people, like
during losses or whatever.
Whitney (17:21):
Like my cousin lost her mom and she's like I don't know
how you did this with the baby,like how you were able to do
this.
I'm like I didn't have a choice.
It was sink or swim, you know.
So I just swam as best as Icould, and that doesn't mean I
didn't practically drown a fewtimes, but I just did it and, um
(17:42):
, I just kind of kept at it andkept at it and my path to here,
like in terms of nursing, I tooka longer path.
I did the LPN to associate RNto bachelor's, to DNP and that's
a long route.
I mean, most people would belike I'm just gonna do a
straight enter BSN program, dothat four years and go on with
(18:06):
my life and then maybe do theDNP.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
But I would so most of my daughter's life.
Whitney (18:11):
I've been in school in one form or another, and I've
told her I'm not going backuntil she's done with high
school.
So she starts ninth grade thisyear, but I already got thinking
about going back on that.
So I'm like I'm going to giveit a year or two and then see
what she thinks.
There's just some sort ofpatience and stuff that I want
to do, nothing as big as this,but I mean that's kind of it in
(18:33):
a nutshell, but yeah, I mean,you know, before I lost Clayton,
I'd already lost my dad, andthen lost my mom.
And in 2018 is actually when Igraduated from an RN program and
a week before I was supposed tosit for boards, my brother
unexpectedly died, so I pushedboards back a week.
I mean just a week well, I meanI don't know I.
(18:59):
Well, I mean, I don't know I.
Yeah, I kind of actually feltlike I was like, oh, I should
just keep my normal day.
He'd be disappointed in me forjust not doing it, for like
pulling off because of him.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Cause I didn't really feel right.
Whitney (19:08):
I was like no, I need to do the stuff.
But you know if you're not allabout um, but I mean like.
I.
I said it wasn't just astraight path, it wasn't like
I'm going to do this, I'm goingto do this, and I just stayed
right on that path the wholetime.
At one point after I finishedmy associates program, I was
(19:30):
thinking do I really need to geta bachelor's in nursing?
I don't know.
I don't know if I want to be anurse practitioner anymore,
really like public health,thought about going back to get
maybe a master's in publichealth, but out of nursing
school, I got a job working forthe University of Tulsa at their
student health center, andthat's literally the only reason
(19:53):
why I went on to get abachelor's, because, um, it was
more or less free.
I mean, like there was, becauseit was full-time, like I had to
pay for a few hours everysemester but I still, you know,
it was still really cheaprelatively speaking.
So then I had the bachelor's.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I'm like all right, cool.
Whitney (20:11):
Well, I got that, now I'm good.
And then COVID hit and justruined my job.
Like I love that job more thananything in the world and it
just kind of ruined it.
And it ruined like, um, my bossthere we had talked about, I
mean kind of my thought, ofdoing like the master's in
(20:33):
public health.
We, we were trying to do moreoutreach on the campus.
I was actually doing some likeSTI training or training, but
like just kind of presentationsand stuff, and we wanted to
expand that and kind of do alittle bit more.
And she was totally on boardwith it.
But COVID changed thestructuring of it and it just
(20:57):
became very obvious and likethat's not, that change is not
gonna happen, um, and so Ithought what can I do?
I was like well, tu does havethe D&D program and I know the
instructors there.
I'll apply and see what happens.
And well, they let me.
And I'm still like I mean um.
So right now, all of us areeither studying for boards or
(21:19):
taking boards.
Half of my class is takingboards and one of them has an
interview on Monday.
She's like I have horribleimposter syndrome.
I'm like, uh, I'm not evenconvinced I can pass boards.
So, yeah, like um, oh, yeah,I've got horrible imposter
syndrome and I, I hate thatanybody.
I work with knows that I'vegone through this because one of
(21:42):
the guys I work with.
He's like hey.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Dr Whitney.
Whitney (21:45):
And I'm like and he said it in front of a patient
and I'm like, please don't dothat.
Um, but I'm finding more andmore of the nurses that have
cause.
I I work in mental health andI've only been working in mental
health specifically for noteven quite a year, yet there are
definitely nurses that are moreseasoned in it.
Um, some nurses have workedthere longer than I have,
(22:08):
although there are, in general,um newer nurses, but they're
stressing.
Do you think it's okay if I dothis and this?
Do you think I'm like, don'tmake me a doll in the room yet.
I'm not even licensed yet.
Don't do it, but yeah, so Idon't know that's uh, I mean
that, I guess, is kind of quickand short of that um you know, I
(22:29):
did do things like because, um,the bsn program was practically
free, mostly free, low cost,whatever I did decide and you
know at the time.
I told a couple people and itwas very controversial decision
that I made.
But I'm like, yeah, I think I'mgonna have to do it this way,
(22:52):
because I'm not rolling in moneyand I'm raising a kid, so if I
ever want money to actually fitthe down payment on a house, I'm
going to do this.
So I use my student money as mydown payment.
I'm like, and you know whatit's worked out.
Well, I bought my house inMarch, end of February, March of
(23:15):
2020.
Nice, yeah, and actually endedup being better about that.
So I have, I've had one kind oflike trick in my bag that a lot
of people do not have, and thatis I have a very supportive
mother-in-law and, um, I thinkthat's sometimes weird to people
(23:36):
that I still call and refer toas mother-in-law Like they're
confused, but I'm like what sheis is like she's my mother
figure right now, and she's beenvery supportive, but at the
time she was able to pay cashfor the house, and this is where
that became, I mean, like Icould have just bought the house
and whatever, but this is wherethat came in really handy,
(23:58):
because the market was startingto competitive.
Rates weren't going down yet,though, but it was getting
competitive.
She's like how about this?
How about I buy the house forcash just to make it a better
deal for the seller, and thenyou can pay me back?
Cool, great, awesome, did that?
I think I had to wait like 90days or something for that to
work.
Um, so then, but in that time,right, so, so, so, so you know
(24:24):
yeah, that's like I mean I loveI have like stuff like that
Definitely, um, but yeah, that'sthe thing is I'm like I don't
know, I I just I don't know, Ijust I don't see myself as being
that unique or stronger.
I'm just like I just work withwhat I have.
(24:45):
Like I just I mean there weretimes that I would work the
system Like I mean I gotsurvivor benefits and I went
into, I kind of did, I did themath and realized I can go back
to working full-time but if I do, that I lose some of those
benefits.
(25:10):
When I compared the two Irealized if I actually worked
less and kept those benefits, Iwould have more money coming in
monthly and because it wouldhelp with I would have more help
for Eliza's insurance, fordaycare, all of those things and
I was like and that actuallyput me in a position where I
could say I can go back toschool and I can do this.
(25:32):
So I did look I mean thecircumstances and stuff.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
But I was like well, if this is what I'm given this
is what I'm going to work with.
Whitney (25:40):
And so in that sense I worked the system knowing that
at the end of the day, like itwould come back to me tenfold,
and I feel like it has come backtenfold plus stuff.
So like I don't, I don't havemuch name in my game from that
front and like I gladly you know, used all the support that I
could get for that.
So those that was me, I mean Ireally don't think I'm anything
(26:04):
special.
Sarah (26:08):
Well, and I get that, Um, but I hope that you know that
people that know you view you asa phenomenal inspiration, I
mean I.
I mean I know that I live, youknow, 12 hours away, but like
I've watched.
You know, I watched your story,um, you know, cause, obviously,
you know, once you likegraduate college and everyone
(26:32):
starts, you know, going theirown way, like it's hard to like
stay as close as, like we werein high school.
But, um, you know, I alwayswatched your story.
I remember when I, you know,found out that Clayton had
passed and I just sat in myhouse and sobbed uncontrollably.
I did.
Um, and I just hugged mydaughter and I was just like
holy crap, like I, I don't evenknow, I don't know what I would
(26:54):
do.
And then I've just watched thisamazing.
I mean I call it kind of acomeback story because you could
have just curled up in thefetal position and just said F
it, I'm done and I can't do this.
But instead you were like nope,okay, I'm gonna cry, as you
should, and I'm certain,obviously you still have times
(27:18):
whenever it hits you, which isfully, fully normal.
Um, but I mean I, I and I knowyou and I know that you are just
, you're such a humble person,but you are such an inspiration,
which is why I really wantedyou to be on this, because I
mean, I just just watching youhas always been such an
(27:39):
inspiration to me.
Um, so yeah, and I mean thatyou know like from the bottom of
my heart um, so yeah, and Imean that you know, like from
the bottom of my heart.
Whitney (27:52):
Um, I did try to do so.
Uh, a friend of mine, she hasthis interesting house like I.
I'm not even 100 sure how shecame to own it.
She was in real estate anywayit's a house, but it's zoned
very oddly so it's also zoned tobe like a fraternity and
sorority house and thensomething else, which basically
means it's a residential housebut she can do anything in it
(28:14):
and so she's kind of she's alocal artist and so her studio
is in the garage apartment, butthen she uses the main house for
different things, and one ofthem is this weekly wednesday
morning yoga class and it's ait's a private thing.
I mean like people invitepeople to join it all the time,
(28:35):
but I mean it's more or lesskept as a private class and, um,
love it.
I mean, yeah, I have not overthe last.
I went last summer for severalweeks and then I just kind of go
(28:57):
intermittently here and there.
Um, but it literally waseverything I hate in life like
it was.
I don't like classes where it'slike I'm a burn, just stare
into their eyes Like or getclose and go hug everybody, I'm
(29:17):
like no.
I'm good, but there wassomething about this class and
the first time I went it was oneof those where, like and it
doesn't happen at every- class,but particular class.
That was like the one thing.
That was like I don't know.
I was sitting there staringeven for like okay, uh-huh, and
like share things with you and Idon't even know you like this
feels very weird.
(29:37):
Um, that would be what Inormally said, but for whatever
reason, in that moment Iabsolutely loved it.
I can't remember the totaltheme of that class, but
basically we were supposed to betelling ourselves that whatever
, that negative thought we'vebeen telling ourselves, tell
ourselves the opposite of that,and so we were doing that.
(30:02):
And the other part, probably myfavorite part of the class the
yoga is one thing and the yogainstructor, like she's a
next-level instructor, likeshe's the instructor in like the
meditative yoga, like that Ilook for and there's just
something so spiritual about herand her approach.
(30:22):
And so the class itself isamazing.
There's so many things I'vetaken out of her classes that I
use in my everyday life.
Like the stress of the lastyear and a half.
I would not have been able toget through without some of
those lessons.
But the thing that day was um,after every class, like it's
(30:43):
like a two hour thing, so firsthour is yoga and then the second
hour.
It's kind of socializing time.
But then we kind of come backtogether in a circle and you
know she may um a lot of timesshe'll have like tarot cards and
she'll have everybody pull acard.
Um and actually after that Ibought tarot cards and
everyone's just pull withintention, and so she was
(31:09):
wanting us to go around and saylike a word or something that we
wouldn't normally say aboutourselves, and that was the
first time I said I'm a badass.
And so ever since then, I saythat like I do.
I try and tell myself that on aregular basis, and it's
definitely it's kicking in morethan it was.
(31:30):
I'm still not going to.
Oh no, you're a badass I still,I'm still like I just I mean, I
just I hear that a lot, notnecessarily specifically the
badass, but just like you'reamazing, you can't done all this
.
I'm like I just think I justhad to.
Yeah, I'm like you just haven'tbeen in that position, it's
(31:50):
fine.
Um, I will say, though, the onething that I've been uh I mean
I've for the most part I've beensingle for 13 years.
I mean I've been on dates hereand there and talk to people
here and there, but definitelynothing serious.
Um, and then there've beentimes I'm like, oh, we hate
(32:14):
being single, but man, I'm suredo like being able to do my own
thing more than I hate beingsingle.
I like being able to make thesedecisions for myself and my
daughter in our life.
And, um, just, I already knew Iwanted to do something else.
Um, I kind of put some careerstuff on hold.
(32:39):
When I met Clayton early, justchoosing to be in that
relationship and get married,there were things that I just
was like I'm going to let thatcareer goal go and I'm okay with
that and that's totally fine,and I do that a million times
over but because I had alreadydone that once, even for love,
(33:02):
and I don't regret it.
I just had this thought.
I'm like I'm not doing thatagain.
I know I need to.
I don't want to put myself in aposition where I'm putting
anything about my goals on holdagain.
I mean, you know, if you findsomebody, you find somebody and
you're willing to make thosecompromises and that's fine and
great, but I just like, I justdon't even and I don't want to
(33:27):
put myself in that position.
Sarah (33:28):
Um, I always say you should never settle on a house
or a spouse, cause those are thetwo like biggest things, um,
and so I believe that if youwould have met another person,
clearly no one's ever, evergoing to take Clayton's place.
But, if you found someone witha connection like, similar to
what you had with him, I thinkit might be a different story
but I love that you're notsettling yeah, I mean a thousand
(33:51):
percent.
Whitney (33:52):
And, um, clay knew what my end goal was, and so I'm
like what are the chances thatI'm really going to meet
somebody that is going to be onboard?
Like, so I'm here, but I'mgoing to end up all the way down
here.
It's going to take some timeand it's going to take some
finances and resources.
That would be like, yeah,that's cool.
(34:12):
So it was just like, yeah,they're out there, I'm sure, but
I was just like it wasn't.
I'd rather bet on myself thangamble on somebody else and then
working out the way I thinkthey're going to work out
somebody else and then workingout the way I think they're
going to work out.
So you know, and I I've hadseveral friends lose spouses
(34:34):
over the years.
So I mean, a couple of themhave gotten remarried.
Some it's worked out, for someit hasn't worked out, for Some
are still just trying to figureout life, know and, and
everybody's on their own journey.
But sometimes I think, man, I'mjust glad.
I'm glad that for myself Ididn't wasn't looking, you know,
(34:58):
right away.
I just I think, um, my daughterwould have liked it, because
she was like I, she knew early,really really I was like once I
hit 40, there's no new babiescoming.
I was like I don't even care,I'll have.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
I mean like if Clayton had lived we might have
had a second one, because hewould have wanted a second one,
but honestly I was fine with oneand so that was for all of me.
Whitney (35:20):
She's like I just want a sibling.
Oh, I'm like you'll be fine.
Yeah, I had siblings.
They're overrated.
Yeah, I mean, of course shesees me and my sister now but
I'm like, look, do you want toknow what it was like living
with a sibling?
Like it's rough.
Oh yeah, yeah, but um yeah.
So I mean, that's the only thingthat kind of bumps me out about
(35:43):
that is that she, I mean, and Icould still meet some with the
kid, but it's not reallyprerequisite of mine, and I'm
okay, whatever, um, I thinkshe'll still love to be happy
yeah, you know even never havinga sibling, so that that's not a
thing for me, but I love thatunless you probably miss out on
(36:04):
um, but otherwise I'm like.
I rather enjoyed our lifetogether it hasn't always, it
definitely hasn't always beeneasy.
Finances, I mean like choosingto take these things on like
you're also choosing to not goon like really nice vacations or
you know, do a lot of things.
But, um, I feel like I've kindof kept it.
(36:26):
I'm trying to do my best tobalance it and anytime I've made
a decision, it's always been,she's always been at the
forefront.
She always had to be thepriority.
So just if I kept her thepriority and I could see how it
could be done still keeping herthe priority, then I can make it
happen.
Sarah (36:45):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that.
Well, and I like too that you,you know, have incorporated um
self-care.
You know, by going to this yoga, stepping outside of your
comfort zone, um, you know, likeleaning into the feelings, like
if you're really, you know,just like in the feelings, like
you're crying it out and you're,you know, you're letting
yourself, which is all very,very healthy, um, and so I think
(37:09):
, you know, even just you being,you know, open to sharing this
story, I think, is very helpfuland very therapeutic.
Um, you know, if you had any,like any, piece of advice, um,
that you would give someone thatmaybe is going through
something similar, maybe theiryou know, their spouse is sick,
(37:29):
um, or they just passed, like,what do you like?
What piece of advice do youwish someone had told you?
Or what piece of advice wouldyou give someone?
Oh gosh, I know I put you onthe spot.
Whitney (37:44):
I know, I was like I don't know if I knew anything.
I just I just did um, you know,you're the biggest, you're
gonna make it.
You know, um, my friend withals, or her husband with als, um
they have an rv and I guessthey just took it out and she's
(38:05):
like the last trip and I waslike it's never the last trip,
it's really not.
Even when they're gone, theyalways present themselves in
weird ways.
I actually, over the yearsthere's a couple people in
particular that have well,anytime somebody has something
(38:25):
going on.
They have a dream about whatthey tell me.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
But there's a couple people that they were like uh, I
mean like you have to kind ofbelieve in this and I you know I
go with it and I kind ofbelieve it too, but um, kind of
feel like they would come to himto send messages to me.
Whitney (38:43):
that's's actually happened a couple of times and
it made sense when they told mewhat he was saying.
So I mean they presentthemselves in different ways.
Clayton's thing was he washysterical.
He was by far one of thefunniest people I've ever known,
and so funny thing that thatthere's a funny thing and a very
(39:09):
sweet thing.
But it almost broke me actuallywhen I found it, but um, the
funny thing was on ouranniversary our first
anniversary after he died he wascremated.
Um, clayton did the smoke potand he had a dugout and I just I
wanted to take some ashes tothe place where we were married
(39:31):
and I didn't have anything tolike I don't take all of them so
I used one of his dugouts I'mlike that's enough.
Like, because I was like whatstuff do I have appropriate to
carry this in.
And so I took him, I took hisdugout and my friends were great
(39:52):
.
We went and did brunch, we hungout at a restaurant on the
river and we were just enjoyingthe day and one of his best
friends came and met us and wewalked down.
We got near an hour, well, andwe walked down there and we
scattered the ashes and had agood cry and you know, went on
about our day.
Uh, I, I remember I had to gohome for something, but uh,
(40:16):
there was a show going on atCanes that night that we decided
we wanted to go to.
So I go home, get ready, grab mypurse, go and they're doing the
security check and I justfreeze.
I'm like, oh shit, the deadbottle's still in there and
they're like we're gonna have totake this.
I'm like no, no, you can't takeit and they're like we have to
(40:40):
like no, you don't understand,my dead husband was in there.
And they're like the securityguy's like looking at it, like
putting his hands in it, lookingat the ashes, and I'm like,
yeah, I'm not lying.
They're like here you go andjust handed it.
But now the story is, yes, theygot confiscated at cane and one
(41:01):
of the stories like I shouldjust let him have it like, like
that would be fun, to just lethim like stay at Kane and see
what happens yeah.
I'm like, I mean just randomstuff, like that happens.
But let's see, I think it wasactually on Valentine's Day,
maybe the day before.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I feel like it was on .
Whitney (41:19):
Valentine's Day, I was looking for a business card that
would have been in his wallet.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
I remember it was for the active interest he was
going to.
Whitney (41:29):
I wanted to go, and so I was looking through his wallet
and I'm looking through andthere's a fold-up paper in there
and I pull it out and those arewedding vows.
He had held them in his walletthat whole time.
I was like ah, and just lost it,but they're always appearing
Like the story doesn't end there, and that was, I mean that was.
(41:53):
The nice thing too is becausehe said it actually at a moment
of irritation with his mom, whowas also widowed, and it
involved somebody that she wasseen and he.
He didn't feel like she wasbeing the most forthright about
the relationship, like they werefriends, but she was like feels
(42:16):
like there's something elsegoing on.
But he just got reallyirritated about the situation.
He was just like, when I'm done, you better get me married.
But he meant it.
I mean he really did, and so,um, that was, that was a nice
gift that he also gave me.
Like anything about me moving onwas never about like feeling oh
(42:39):
, am I betraying them, or it wasnever about, uh, not feeling
okay moving on.
I've've actually always Iactually pretty quickly felt
okay with the idea of moving on,and I think I did so quickly
because he was okay with it.
Like he may have been mad whenI said it, but I mean he kind of
said it other times too.
So I was just like, I mean hemeant it.
(43:00):
So it was kind of like havingpermission in a way.
But yeah, I mean just rememberthat they're always there.
Um, I did have a friend passaway a couple of years ago from
cancer, but prior to that he hadbeen dealing with it for
several years.
And, um, he did tell me hedidn't worry about his, his wife
(43:26):
and his daughters because hehad seen me go through it.
So he's like I know they'll beokay.
And I and actually I didn'treally know his- wife, but I
reached out to her and told herthat he said that she, she knew
who I was and, um, I was like Idon't really think it's as much
a a check mark on me or like ayou know a positive on me as
much as like I think there'smore of a way to get you, then
(43:47):
you can definitely do it.
You know, um, but yeah, I mean,life goes on and you have to
keep living, so I just I feellike I would be letting him down
if I did anything else thanthat.
Keep moving on, yeah, yeah,that's about the way my I mean.
(44:08):
You know, it's not the end,it's really not, it's just.
It's just another chapter yeah,I love it.
Sarah (44:15):
Well, I really appreciate you like sharing all of that
with us and, you know, justbeing so open about it and, um,
I, I mean I, even though you andI went to high school together
and you know, just like you,like I, I, you know, didn't know
him at all, but I can assureyou he is looking down and he is
(44:35):
smiling at you and he is sofreaking proud of you.
I know he is.
So, yes, yes, well, thank youso much, and I, I know that you
know people that are listeningare, you know they're they, they
were there with you and theyfelt it and you know, I think
that you know you're justcontinuing to be an inspiration.
(44:55):
So, thank you so much.
Oh, can I actually say one morething?
Of course, you can.
Whitney (44:59):
This is actually not for any spouse, anybody going
through it, but for anybody whohas a friend going through it.
I think the greatest thing Iwas told and the person it came
from.
They were friends that I knewfrom Clayton and they said this
and they've always stuck to it.
But I always try to tell itmyself because I'm like people
(45:24):
need to know that when the timecomes and somebody loses a loved
one if you care about them atall, just let them know that
you're there with a quietcitizen, because that is the
worst part.
So just that's my only thing forevery, for the rest of people,
it's just that's the worst part.
It's not the actual death orthat week of where everybody's
(45:44):
like yeah, everyone's there andbringing you the food and it's
afterwards.
It's that quiet so just yeah,if you're, if you're listening
and friends dealing with this,just remember to be there for
them in the quiet and let themknow that you are there yeah, I
love that.
Sarah (46:00):
I love that.
No, I love that.
I think that's such greatadvice because you know, even if
someone can't relate to whatyou've gone through, we all,
sadly know someone that has gonethrough it and you know and I
think that's such great advicetoo Like how can we be better
friends and better people forthe people that are going
through that?
Whitney (46:19):
So there's, there's a lot of people.
I feel like that kind of trailoff out of fear and not knowing
what to do.
I'm just like don't be afraid.
Sarah (46:27):
Yeah, just reach out and just say hi, yeah, I love it.
Well, thank you and um, thankyou everyone for listening.
Um, please make sure that youuh leave a review because, um, I
truly believe that um feedbackis a gift and uh, it allows me
to you know, kind of know, if,um you know what you heard
resonated with you, or ifthere's something else that you,
(46:50):
you know really want um to betalked about.
Um definitely share thispodcast with someone that you
think um could use it.
Uh, that is the greatestcompliment that you can give me
is um just sharing that um andthen subscribe so that you never
miss an episode.
So, thanks so much, and we'llsee you next time on thrive and.
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