November 27, 2024 • 39 mins
Could the end of a marriage be the beginning of a brighter chapter? Join us on "Thrive and Decide" as we sit down with Louise, a courageous woman who shares her poignant journey through marriage and divorce, offering insights that might just change the way you view relationships. Louise opens up about her decade-long relationship with Tom, her ex-husband, and how a public proposal pressured her into a marriage marked with red flags. Despite initial reservations, she found herself in a relationship that slowly eroded, culminating in the discovery of an online affair that forced her to confront painful truths.
Navigating a divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially when mutual friendships are involved, but Louise chose to prioritize a fresh start over resentment. Throughout our conversation, she reflects on the tangled web of emotions she faced: from embarrassment and guilt to the relief and acceptance that came with the end of her marriage. With grace and dignity, Louise recounts the importance of maintaining mutual respect, even sharing a bittersweet final meal with Tom that marked a significant transition.
As our discussion deepens, Louise reveals how embracing self-awareness and personal growth became her guiding light in moving forward. She shares her journey of healing through therapy, self-care, and the empowering influence of voices like Brene Brown. Louise’s resilience shines through as she discusses the importance of feeling every emotion, reframing past experiences, and ultimately finding gratitude for the lessons learned. Her story is a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the power of emerging stronger after adversity.
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.
Sarah Thress
614-893-5885
Sarahthressrealtor@gmail.com
Thrive and Decide Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61559936633799
https://www.facebook.com/SarahThressRealtor/
https://www.instagram.com/sarah_thress_realtor/
Real Estate Podcast Come To Find Out:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-to-find-out/id1704949604
Real Estate First Time Home Buyers course: https://sarahthress.graphy.com/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sarah (00:00):
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide.
Today we have Louise with usand she is going to be sharing
her story about her divorce.
You know, obviously, when she,you know, got married, she
didn't expect to get divorced.
Just like everyone that'slistening, no one ever.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe some people do, but mostpeople do not.
(00:22):
So, when I sat down and talkedwith Louise, she was sharing her
story and, while it is veryunique to her, I know that there
are other people out there thathave dealt with this or are
dealing with this, and so I just, you know, I asked her if she'd
be willing to share it.
So, louise, thank you so muchfor taking the time to.
(00:43):
You know, come and share thisstory.
I know it's never easy to talkabout sad things and horrible
things that happened in our life.
So, um, you know, I justappreciate you doing that.
So, thank you.
Louise (00:54):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for having me.
Um, so talking about my divorcewasn't something that I always
thought I would be super excitedto talk about, but here we are.
So, um, where do I?
Um, where do I?
Um?
Let's see, I was with my ex Tomfor about 10 years, um, before
we got married.
Um, we were together for fouryears, then we were engaged for
(01:20):
six and finally decided it wastime to pull the trigger and get
married.
So we did Not really sure why,but we did.
Sarah (01:35):
Isn't that one of those things that, like at the time,
you feel like, oh my gosh, thisis my soulmate and this is
forever.
And then when you look back onit, you're like wait what?
Yeah?
Louise (01:44):
So funny that you say that, because yes and no is
forever.
And then when you look back onit you're like wait what Like?
Sarah (01:49):
what yeah so?
Louise (01:49):
funny that you say that, because yes and no, yeah, um,
part of me knew I wasn't readyand knew I was kind of ambushed
when he proposed to begin with.
So, um, it was in front of hisentire family, oh and um, how
were you going to say no?
Right, exactly that was my.
That's my thoughts, like, howdo you even say no to someone
when they're in front of yourentire family or their entire
(02:09):
family?
Right, um, and we were.
We were so close and, yes, wewere in love-ish, I guess.
Sarah (02:17):
Yeah.
Louise (02:17):
Um, but we got engaged.
We were engaged for six years.
Wow, I wasn't ready, he wasn'tready, we just weren't ready.
Um, we finally decided, okay,let's do this, planned the
wedding.
It was like a joke of a wedding, if I know, I'm honest.
(02:38):
Um, it was beautiful, but hewas outside getting high the
whole time with his friendssmoking weed and it was just a
party for him, it was an excusefor a party for him yeah where I
was.
Like the dj would be like comeand get me, like hey, where,
where is he?
Like we need to do this, let'scut the cake, let's make the
(02:59):
toast, let's do this, let's dothis.
And we had to go send a searchparty out for him every single
time so that was frustrating.
Um so right then, and there Ikind of knew, and should have
known like, what am I doing?
um, and, to be completely honest, I just think that deep down, I
(03:22):
knew that there were so manyred flags between us.
It probably wasn't the bestidea, and had somebody on my
wedding day asked me are yousure this is what you want?
Chances are we probablywouldn't have got married.
Yeah, so anyways, um, fastforward 10 years.
(03:44):
We got married and, like I said, it was just a shit show.
If I may say, yeah, absolutelyyou can say that we went through
with it.
We got married.
The marriage was, um, okay Atfirst, lasted a whole three and
a half years.
Sarah (04:03):
Wow, so you guys dated much longer than you were
married Wow.
Louise (04:09):
Um, so that's another thing, like with our dating
history and everything.
It was just like when he had ajob.
If he had a job, he would worknights usually and I would work
days.
So we didn't really spend timetogether.
When we did spend time together, it was with other people,
always Like we would be hangingout with our friends or our
(04:29):
friends would be at our house orsomething always.
Yeah, it was like, and we haddogs and it was.
It was just it was stressful.
I was picking up.
I felt like a parent picking upafter their kid constantly and
their friends.
So that was stressful.
It was hard.
I still cared about him.
(04:50):
He was a great guy, but Irealized I loved him more like a
roommate than a husband at somepoint.
You know the kind of roommatewho eats all your snacks and
never picks up after themselves.
That type of roommate.
Sarah (05:06):
Those are the best yeah it was great, yeah, they don't
pay for anything and they eatall your stuff, so great.
Louise (05:12):
It was wonderful.
And then I finally just came toa breaking point.
Um, I found out one night thathe was having an online affair.
Um, that he was having anonline affair.
Ugh, it hit hard.
It hit hard, but even though Iknew that we weren't exactly in
love anymore, it still kind offelt like I don't know, like a
(05:35):
deep betrayal.
Yeah, to me it was like losingyour best friend, but also
knowing that maybe you twoshouldn't have been best friends
to begin with, if that makesany sense.
So, in a typical I'm about toend this fashion, I took the
laptop where I had found all ofhis dirty little secrets, as I
(05:57):
like to call them.
Yeah, and I went to our locallibrary because we didn't have a
printer in the house andprinted everything out, all the
emails and everything that I haddiscovered from his little
online relationship.
Sarah (06:21):
So I went and printed everything without even
confronting him, which blows meaway.
Yeah, I don't know how you hadthat much composure that you
just thought like, okay, I'mgoing to, just I'm going to
email all this stuff to me sothat I have, you know, all of
the evidence and the proof andall of that, but I'm not going
to confront them.
Louise (06:36):
Well, I honestly have no idea either.
No idea.
So, um, I did all of thatvindictively also.
So I did all of thatvindictively also, I think,
because I printed everything.
And then I called his mom.
Wow, I said, hey, we havesomething that we'd like to talk
(06:57):
to you about.
Can you come over after work?
And she was like, oh, yeah,sure, you know, blah, blah,
whatever, happy-go-luckyucky,she comes over and we're sitting
in the living room.
And I said, well, I invited youover here because I wanted to
tell you, in front of Tom, thatwhen we get divorced, this is
(07:20):
why and I handed her the folderwith all the emails, turned the
laptop around so that he couldsee what it was that I was
looking at, and handed himpaperwork to file for a divorce.
Wow.
Sarah (07:35):
Wow, like that to me is like an epic movie moment.
Like for you like to.
To me that's super badassbecause you like not only like
called him out on his shit, madesure his mom knew so he wasn't
you know, spending whatever likestory he might want to spend,
exactly because that's what youknow guys, do he still tried?
(07:58):
Yeah, well, of course and thenlike, and you handed him papers,
it's's awesome.
Louise (08:03):
Yeah.
Sarah (08:03):
Like you're my hero.
Louise (08:04):
So thanks.
So that happened and that'swhen the tears started.
I started shaking.
He was shaking and crying andhis mom was crying and it was
like a big I don't know.
I don't even know, but part ofme felt a little bit of relief
(08:27):
and finding it, I think, and Ithink maybe that's what gave me
the strength to like really lookat what, like look at, pay
attention to what I was lookingat, before I reacted yeah, um, I
think that the relief part ofit was bigger to me than the
(08:47):
actual divorce, which I knowsounds terrible.
Sarah (08:50):
No, I don't think so.
I think that sometimes we getto a point, whether it has come
to the surface or not, maybeit's just like you know,
subconsciously, you're you knowthat it's it's not working, but
you don't want to admit thatit's not working because you
know nobody wants to admit thattheir marriage is is failing or
(09:10):
whatever, and you know so I.
I can imagine that on somelevel it was like thank God,
like now I can actually likehave an out and have a reason,
instead of people just beinglike wait what?
Like you guys were together solong and you don't feel like you
gave up because you didn't doit A lot of that.
Louise (09:27):
So I didn't tell anybody about the cheating, the online
relationship part.
I didn't tell anybody aboutthat.
Our friends would be like, oh,you guys can work through this,
you can get through everything.
Like la, la, la wanted to giveus all their marriage advice and
counseling, yeah, all thethings.
And I was.
I was just, I kind of gotreally hard at that point, um,
(09:54):
not even just for myself, but um, to everybody.
Yeah, I finally was fed upenough where I told my friends,
even my best friend.
I told her, like listen, youdidn't live in my house, you
don't know my situation, youdon't know why we're getting
divorced.
Like you don't know the wholestory.
Nobody does.
That's between the two of us.
(10:15):
It's not anybody else'sbusiness or anybody else's story
to tell, it's ours.
Yeah, and I didn't want to, Ididn't want to ruin him by
saying, oh, he's a cheater, liarcheater, whatever you know, I
didn't want to do that.
Um, I just wanted my freshstart and we have the same
(10:36):
friends, we run in the samecircles.
So, and after being together forthat long, it's it's hard to
figure out how to do every daywithout that person yeah and
even, even when you can't standthem and you don't want to see
(10:57):
that person hurt, because youcare about that person, no
matter what the situation is,and that's why some people have
such nasty, terrible divorces,and I definitely didn't want
that.
I was already embarrassed thatI was getting a divorce.
I was embarrassed that I hadlet it go on as long as.
Sarah (11:17):
I did.
Louise (11:23):
I was embarrassed that I had let it go on as long as I
did.
I was embarrassed that hecheated, yeah, so I obviously
didn't want anyone to know that.
Um, and I also felt a littlebit guilty, like it was kind of
my fault that he cheated.
I mean, like I said, we wereliving more like roommates and
friends than lovers or a husbandand wife.
So, yeah, he had to fix hisneeds somewhere and it wasn't a
(11:46):
physical relationship that hewas having, but it was an
emotional one and it had beengoing on for a very long time.
Wow.
So, um, me finding out about itwas probably a blessing for us
both.
Um, I still see him to this day.
It's not.
It's not like we didn't used totalk when we would run into
(12:10):
each other.
We would avoid each other, likeyeah, like the plague yeah
absolutely.
We would avoid each other likenobody's business.
And now when we run into eachother, we can be casual and like
hey, what's up, how are you?
You know, short and sweet, moveon with it.
And our actual divorce day Ididn't want it to be messy, he
(12:34):
didn't want it to be messy,nobody did.
He didn't want it to be messy,nobody did.
So we had talked we hadn'treally talked much leading up to
the actual day of the divorce.
When we went into court, thejudge, right before he granted
us the divorce, he looked at meand said Are you absolutely sure
(12:59):
this is what you want andnobody's forcing you to do this?
And I immediately startedtrembling and was like yes.
And then he looked at Tom andasked is this 100% what you want
and nobody's forcing you to dothis?
And he almost couldn't say yes,he was.
(13:21):
He started crying and shakingand he looked over at me and I
gave him like a little nod andhe said yes.
And so then the judge was realconfused and was like are you
sure that this is what you wantOf?
Sarah (13:40):
course Are you?
Louise (13:41):
100% sure that this is what you want.
And we said yes, and he saidokay, and he granted us our
divorce.
And then, as we were gettingready to walk out of the
courtroom, we were both at theedge of the.
He was on his side and I was onmy side and we were walking out
to get up to go towards thedoor, and we were both at the
edge of the, the key was on hisside and I was on my side.
We were walking out, um to getup to go towards the door, and
(14:01):
we were both like face to faceand we just hugged, oh, and then
he asked me if I had eatenanything today and I told him no
and he said he hadn't eitherand asked me to breakfast, and
so we went and had breakfasttogether.
it was awkward, but nice yeah itwas like a okay, this is it.
(14:22):
You know.
It was finally like this is thelast time that we're gonna have
a meal together yeah um, so wedid that, and then we went on
our ways wow yeah, pretty crazyyeah, wow that's.
Sarah (14:39):
I mean I do like it, though I love the ending.
You know, even though there wasall of this like turmoil and
all of this, you know clearlysadness and clearly you know you
both cared about each otherbecause you could have been way
more vindictive.
I mean, I've heard severalstories and my job is not to
(15:00):
judge anybody, nor would I everjudge anybody.
Everyone has to do what isright for them or what they feel
is right for them in thatmoment.
But I love that you at leastknew enough to know, like, hey,
we run in the same circles, wehave a lot of the same friends.
Um, I don't want to completelyout him for his mistake, because
(15:21):
it was a mistake, butultimately it ended up getting
you both to a different spotwhere you're both probably much
happier well, and I don't blamehim honestly.
Louise (15:32):
I don't blame him for he needed to feel that, he needed
to feel loved from somebody, andeven though it wasn't a
physical relationship, it was anemotional one, and he needed
that emotional support fromsomeone and I was not giving it
yeah and I.
(15:53):
I don't think I was evencapable of giving it.
If I'm being honest, it was, Idon't know.
I felt more like a parent tohim than a spouse.
Sarah (16:06):
Yeah.
Louise (16:06):
So that, I think, was that's why I think it was a
little bit of a relief for meand I was able to handle it the
way that I handled it and notlike be pissed.
Sarah (16:20):
Yeah, yell and scream and throw at all your business over
social media, I mean, I stilldon't like him.
Yeah, but I don't hate him.
Louise (16:29):
I don't wish him any harm or anything like that, I
just don't like him yeah.
Sarah (16:34):
He just wasn't your person.
Louise (16:35):
Yeah, not my person and now I'm happier than I've ever
been.
Yeah, and I hope that he is.
I hope that he is too, becauseyou know, it changes a person
when you're happy.
Sarah (16:48):
Yeah, yeah, it really does, it doesn't.
I, my situation was a littlebit different, like there was no
, you know, cheating involved,but you know, at the end, like
we were able to, you know, kindof walk out of the courthouse
and be like, you know, you good,yep, you're good, okay, cool,
like you know.
And and we were able to doeverything like just, you know,
for our daughter and we never,um, you know, we never posted
(17:11):
about it on social media.
In fact, I've run into peoplerecently it's been over a decade
since he and I like separated,divorced, all that stuff and I
still will run into people thatknew us, you know, from our
first job where we met, andthey're like, oh my gosh, like
you know how's Kevin doing?
And I'm like, ah, I mean, he'sgood, he and his wife are great,
and they're like, wait, what?
(17:31):
So?
Um, so, anyways, I just saythat I commend you for taking
the high road, because I thinkthat I think more people should
explore that high road.
I'm not saying it's foreverybody, not every.
Every situation is unique.
Everything is different.
Louise (17:46):
And I definitely think that our situation was very
unique because For sure, and youknow as much as I hate to say
this, and I've never, probablyever said this out loud I
probably had an emotional affairalso because, but not the same
way, like I wasn't tellinganyone that I loved them, or
like telling them that they Ihated him or anything that he
(18:08):
was doing wrong or anything likethat.
but I had my group of friendswho made me always feel good,
like my friends always were verysupportive and I could vent to
them about everything all thetime where he didn't, he did
that facade where everything wasperfect for us all the time.
Sarah (18:30):
So I think that that was very different too.
Louise (18:32):
Um, yeah, so wow, yeah, so Wow.
Sarah (18:37):
Now, you had mentioned that everyone gave you advice.
You know, or was like in yourbusiness, and I think that
that's something that most of usyou know.
It doesn't matter, like ifyou're going through a divorce
or you're pregnant or whatever.
People want to tell you theirhorror stories or they want to
tell you the advice they thinkis the right thing to say to you
(18:58):
.
Looking back on that, like whatwould you, what do you wish
that maybe someone would havetold you?
Like, what helpful advice doyou think you could have gotten?
Or what helpful advice wouldyou give someone if they came to
you and told you the same storythat you're telling?
Louise (19:15):
So I think that what I wish that somebody would have
said to me is it's okay.
Yeah, I wish that somebodywould have said you know you are
the only person that is incontrol of your life, and if you
are letting other peoplecontrol your life, you're never
going to truly find your happyspot.
(19:36):
You're never going to be happywith yourself or with anybody
else for that matter, yeah, orbe able to make yourself or
anybody else happy, because whenyou're truly not happy, what
are you?
Yeah, you're a shell of a human, and so it's okay to feel
broken.
It's okay to feel unloved orselfish, even, yeah, like
(20:04):
feeling selfish is 100% okay,and I feel like you have to be
selfish in a relationship.
You have to.
Um, my current partner and Iare both selfish and we work
that because of that, like weare very, very sweet and kind
(20:27):
and would do anything in theworld for each other, but put
ourselves first, because youhave to.
Sarah (20:34):
Yeah, and.
Louise (20:35):
I wish that somebody would have told me that.
I wish that someone would havetold me that it's okay to feel
like that.
Yeah, um, but they didn't.
Everyone was wanting to fix myproblem.
Sometimes you don't need anyoneto fix your problem, you only
need to listen to you.
Sarah (20:48):
Yeah, I think that's such great advice and I totally
agree with you, cause I thinkthat you know, while some people
they have, they have goodintentions and they feel like
they're telling you great things, them passing judgment or
telling you how you should do,it is never what someone needs
to hear.
Louise (21:08):
Exactly, exactly, and it's not anybody's business.
Sarah (21:10):
Yeah.
Louise (21:11):
And that's the thing.
So for Tom and I, for ourrelationship, it was um.
A lot of my decision was itwasn't anybody's business what
we were going through or why wewere getting divorced or what
was going on behind closed doors, because they don't live your
life, you live your life.
(21:32):
Nobody really truly knows whatgoes on behind closed doors.
Nobody does right.
Sarah (21:38):
So your story is your story period and your story.
Louise (21:42):
You can be in a room and I I totally believe this.
You can be in a room and Itotally believe this you can be
in a room with all of the samepeople and something insane
happens and every single one ofyou tell the story of what
happened completely different.
Yes, you each have a differentview on it.
Have to remember in your lifeand with in a relationship, you
(22:08):
and that other person are goingto have different versions of
how it happened.
Yeah, and that's okay.
That's okay.
Let him have his version, letme have my version.
You know?
Yeah, it's, it's what it is.
Yeah, it's nobody's's nobody'sbusiness.
It's nobody's business, but thetwo of yours.
Yeah, you both know whatactually happened.
Sarah (22:30):
Yeah, no, I love that and I think that's so totally true
because, you know, I used tocall it um revisionist history,
like when you know, when myex-husband would like make
comments or you know, like talkabout a story or whatever, I'd
be like, man, you've got somerevisionist history there, like
you just completely like changedit, so it's.
(22:50):
You know, it's interesting tohear you say, like everyone has
their own like perspective andI'm like, yeah, you know what,
like that is so true and youknow like he can believe that
and that's okay.
Louise (22:59):
Yeah, absolutely, and like the way that I am telling
my story today is probablycompletely different from how he
would tell this story yeah so Imean, and I'm okay with that
yeah and it is what it is.
I never told anybody about thecheating.
This is the first time thatI've talked about it yeah, a
(23:19):
long time actually, but um, yeah, I never.
Nobody knows about the cheatingbecause it's not anybody's
business and it made me feeljust as ashamed as it would have
made him feel.
For sure, and it would have madepeople judge him differently
than how they do, and that Ijust I don't feel like that's
(23:40):
fair to anybody because, again,I feel like I also am
responsible in my divorce.
Yeah, because of both of us, itwasn't just one of us.
Yeah.
Sarah (23:49):
When I think that's such a a very like, healthy way of
looking at it, because I think,unfortunately, a lot of people
in your situation would onlyblame him.
It's all his fault.
He did it all to me, you know,like very um, and that's okay.
That's okay If that's how youview it.
Again, not judging this isnever a judgment zone.
(24:11):
Your story is your story.
But I think it's very healthyto get to that point, cause I
know I used to look at mydivorce way differently than I
do now.
You know, now I look at it froma healthy lens where I'm like,
wow, there were some red flags.
Wow, how did I not see that?
Hey, you know what, like Ididn't fuck up my kid, and you
know I'm happy, he's happy.
Louise (24:32):
Everything's great.
Thank God we didn't have kids.
Sarah (24:34):
Yeah, we did not have kids.
Louise (24:35):
so I did not have to deal with that.
Yeah, because that would havebeen a whole other.
We did have to fight for dogcustody.
Oh, I got a dog and he got adog.
Actually, I got two and he gotone, yeah.
Sarah (24:47):
I love that.
So, yeah, I just think that's sogood and I think that you know
that, being selfish, I wouldn'teven look at it as being selfish
, I would look at it more asself-care.
Yeah, absolutely Like, just youknow, because I think that
sometimes people hear selfishand they're like, oh, like you
know, and it has a negativeconnotation.
(25:08):
I know you, louise, enough toknow that that is not you, like
you're, you're not, you know,you're not actually like the
definition of selfish.
You just you are healthy toknow that you, you know there
are things that you need, that,like you have needs and they
need to be met, and that youhave self-care.
Louise (25:25):
I love that you said it that way that, like you have
needs and they need to be metand then you have self-care.
I love that you said it thatway.
Yeah, well, good Cause I alwayssay I'm selfish.
Sarah (25:31):
Yeah, I always say I'm selfish.
Yeah, I don't think you are Ilike the way that you say it.
Louise (25:35):
It makes it sound much better.
Sarah (25:37):
Yeah Well, just because I , sadly, being selfish has such
a negative connotation, you know, I just I want to make sure
that you, you know, don't absorbthat that negativeness of it
and you absorb the like wow, Iam a healthy, thriving human who
puts my needs first, becauseyou know that you can't give
(26:00):
from an empty cup, Like you haveto be a hundred percent filled
yourself.
I am so guilty of that and likeof depleting myself enough to
make sure that everybody else istaken care of.
So that is something I'm reallyfocused on.
Louise (26:14):
So I love that you said that I've worked on that for
years.
I have always been that person.
Sarah (26:18):
I've always been the oh, just call Louise, she'll do it
yeah.
Louise (26:24):
Type of person and I'm not anymore and I give him
thanks for that.
Sarah (26:31):
Right, isn't it funny?
Cause I have thanked myex-husband more than once for
leaving and he's always likeyou're welcome and I'm like no,
like I'm legit thanking you,like I would not be where I'm at
today and you wouldn't be whereyou're at today and we wouldn't
both be as happy as we are ifwe'd stay together.
(26:52):
Absolutely so, that's okay,yeah, I.
Louise (26:55):
I totally agree.
He has a kid now and is superhappy in his relationship.
I have kids now and I'm superhappy in my relationship.
So, yeah, yeah, we're waybetter than and we're better
humans.
Sarah (27:11):
Yeah.
Louise (27:12):
It definitely made us better people Like I'm a better
person, I'm a better person forit.
Yeah, it changed my life forthe better.
Sarah (27:22):
I love that and I love that you were able to take a
really shitty situation and findthat silver lining and find
that you know that positivenessof like, hey, you know what this
happened.
Yeah, that sucked, you know.
And yeah, I don't want torelive that, but I now have come
out stronger, better, moreknowledgeable, ready to take on
(27:44):
the future.
Louise (27:45):
It wasn't quick, it wasn't like, no, it wasn't easy
for me to do that.
No, um, it took a lot, a lot, alot, um, and many years for me
to be able to even, like, talkabout it honestly.
Yeah, Um.
So for me to get to where I amtoday, 14 years later, right, 10
(28:08):
years, I don't know how manyyears it's been it's been a
while, yeah, it's been a longtime.
Yeah, but for me to get towhere I am today took a lot of
self searching, I guess, like Ihad to.
I had to reevaluate me andfigure out what it is that makes
me happy and my wants and needs, before I was able to even be
(28:34):
in this place where I could talkabout it and be honest about
it's not just his fault.
It's my fault just as much.
Sarah (28:41):
Yeah.
Louise (28:41):
Because before, I absolutely would just want to
blame him.
For sure, like, screw him, he'san asshole.
Yeah, I absolutely would justwant to blame him.
Sarah (28:46):
For sure Like screw him.
Louise (28:47):
He's an asshole, yeah, but I still kept the reasoning,
or, I guess, what I like to callthe reasoning, which really is
not the reason.
The reason that we got divorcedwas because we were unhappy.
Sarah (29:01):
Yeah.
Louise (29:01):
We were not supposed to be married.
The cheating happened also forthat same reason.
Right, so I don't, I can'tblame the divorce married.
The cheating happened also forthat same reason, right so I, I
don't, I can't, I can't blamethe divorce on the cheating.
That's what I'm getting at.
Yeah, I, I have to blame thedivorce on.
We were two different peoplethat were not supposed to be
together.
Sarah (29:19):
Yeah, to begin with, yeah , to get to that realization, um
took a long time and I thinkthat's such a good point to make
sure that anyone listening,because if they're in the middle
of this, I'm certain thatthey're thinking there's no way
in hell I'm ever going to thinklike that, because I can
(29:40):
guarantee you when I was goingthrough mine again very
different story, again verydifferent story but when I was
going through mine, if anyonewould have ever told me that I
was going to A talk openly aboutit and B like help others
through it, I would have laughedin your face Like there's no
freaking way, like I was so lostin that grief and why me and
what's you know like.
Louise (30:00):
And the hate?
Yes, the hate overtakes you.
Yes, like I hated him.
Yeah, I hated him, I hated him,but at the same time, I felt so
much relief that I don't know,I don't know.
I honestly, truly cannot tellyou where I got the strength to
(30:20):
do the things that I did as Iwas finding them, and not break
that laptop over his face.
Yeah, I cannot tell you why Ichose the decisions that I, or
chose to make the decisions thatI made, but I'm glad that I did
it the way that I did it,because it saved a lot of face
in the end.
Yeah, yeah, and now we canactually be in the same room and
(30:43):
not want to rip each other'sface off.
So, yeah, took, took us a whileto get there.
Sarah (30:47):
Yeah, but I love that, cause I'm sure that you did.
You know therapy, um, and otherself care things you know are.
Are there anything that youcould think of, cause I know for
me the things that have helpedme get to this point, cause I'm
over a decade out.
Um, is, you know therapy?
Thank God for my therapist DearGod, she's worth her weight in
(31:09):
gold, um, and then you know,obviously, like learning to lean
into those feelings, throwyourself that damn pity party.
If you wake up one day and youwere so sad, cry it out throw
the pity party.
Louise (31:22):
It's the same as and I don't don't take me wrong, I'm
not trying to compare divorce todeath right.
But it's very similar, yeah,when you lose somebody that
you've been with for that manyyears, and then they're part of
your everyday life, and thenthey're just gone, yeah, it
almost feels like they died.
Yeah, and I know some peoplethat are listening probably are
(31:46):
like I wish they died, right,but you don't, you truly don't,
and eventually you'll realizethat you don't and that you'll
be okay.
Yeah, eventually you'll realizeI'm okay, I'm better because of
this.
Sarah (32:01):
Yeah, yeah, I read a lot of books by Brene Brown Me too.
She was so helpful, yes, whatwas that?
The one that really helped mewas Daring Greatly, yes, and I
loved that one.
She did so amazing.
And then there was also one byArianna Huffington, and hers was
(32:24):
so amazing.
It was in becoming fearless inlife, love and work, and it was
so good Like.
Both of those were very helpful.
But I found that, like readingbooks like that, going to
therapy, making time for myfriends, not being you know with
with my daughter, I was like ahundred percent all about her.
(32:47):
My whole life revolved aroundher and I can say one of the
things that I thank myex-husband for is that he was
always really big on hey, sarah,like you should go and have a
life outside of Addison, becauseyou know, like at some point
Addison's going to, like youknow she's going to graduate and
grow up and you know, move awayand then what you know, like
(33:10):
your whole life is going tocrumble.
You know, and it doesn't modelto her.
You know behavior Like ifyou're modeling to her that
you're just making your kid yourentire life, like you know then
she's going to do the samething, whereas if I showed her
like, hey, I've you know, I havehobbies, I have friends, I have
things to do, you know, likeobviously you're still my world,
(33:32):
I still love you more thananything.
But I am going to be a muchbetter mom to you If I go and
spend time with my friends, orif I go to this yoga class, or
if I go do this, yeah, if I godrink some mom juice, which is
what she always called my wine,you know, if I go have that,
then I'm going to come back andI'm going to be a better mom.
Yeah, which sounds socounterintuitive, so
(33:55):
counterintuitive to like leaveto be a good mom.
Louise (33:57):
Have you had the stuff called mom juice?
They have an actual, actuallycalled mom juice.
Sarah (34:01):
now, it is so good it's so good.
Louise (34:03):
Yeah, I love it, but the book that I loved was Rising
Strong.
Sarah (34:09):
So, good.
I read that one when I was onvacation, because that was
another thing I started doingwas just like solo vacations or
vacations with girlfriends, justto, you know, be able to
recharge and become a betterversion.
But I say all that to say thatI think you did everything very
smartly.
So whether you felt that way inthe moment or not, I get it,
(34:35):
but I think that you handled itso smartly and so kindly, which
you know, and so gracefully,which I think is so amazing, and
you should definitely be veryproud of yourself for that.
And you know you've then goneon to like build this amazing
life with you know, someone newand with new adventures, and you
(34:55):
still don't have that hatebuilt up in you, you don't have
that resentment.
You're like, hey, this is it,you know, and look at you like
you were able to share the story.
There were no tears and youknow, you look at you like you
were able to share the storythere were no tears and you know
you didn't like throw anythingRight, right, true.
True, not that you would, louise, you're not that type of person
, but I love it.
(35:19):
I love it Well.
So, um, before we go, is thereany last things that, like, if
someone, if you had someone callyou today and they told you
that they were going throughsomething similar, what, like,
what would be your, your adviceto them?
And you know, obviously,telling them like it's okay,
it's not just you, but like youknow, what advice or like steps
(35:40):
would you tell them to take?
Would you want them to do theexact thing that you did?
Would you?
Louise (35:45):
recommend that, depending on their situation, I
mean, you got to really focus onwhat's going to be best for you
and again, everybody'ssituation is different.
Their situation is not going tobe the exact same as mine.
They're not going to have thecomposure that I had, or they
might have better composure thanI had.
I think that the advice that Iwould give anybody right now
(36:09):
going through a situation that'ssimilar to mine would be feel
it absolutely.
Take in every feeling,recognize every feeling and give
yourself time to really feel it, because that's the only way
that you're going to do what'sright for you.
Sarah (36:27):
Yeah, feel that's such good advice, cause I think we,
as women, tend to just shove itdown Like it's okay, we don't.
You know, we've got the PTAtoday and we've got, you know,
75 things to do at work andwe've got it.
You know, like get the kidseverywhere.
Or like, even if you don't havekids, like I've got to do all
of these tasks and so it's likeokay, I'm just going to shove
that down here because I don'thave time to deal with that.
Louise (36:48):
You're either going to shove it down or you're going to
make it explode to the top, andyou need to find that happy
medium Because if you don't letyourself feel and really know
and understand your feelings,you're going to do one of the
two and it's not healthy for youor for anybody else because you
have two different extremes.
Sarah (37:09):
Yeah.
Louise (37:10):
Explode or you sink, yeah, so.
Sarah (37:15):
I love that.
Yeah, that's my advice.
Feel such good advice, thankyou.
Thank you, louise, for takingtime out and I know you're super
busy with your new life and Ilove that but thank you for just
being so authentic and so braveto come and share your story
and I guarantee you're helpingpeople.
Louise (37:36):
Thanks so much.
I'm so thankful to be here.
Sarah (37:38):
Yes, awesome.
Louise (37:39):
I hope I do get to help somebody.
Sarah (37:41):
You will.
You will Absolutely Well.
Thank you so much and we'll seeyou next time on Thrive and
Decide.
Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide.
Today we have Louise with usand she is going to be sharing
her story about her divorce.
You know, obviously, when she,you know, got married, she
didn't expect to get divorced.
Just like everyone that'slistening, no one ever.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe some people do, but mostpeople do not.
(00:22):
So, when I sat down and talkedwith Louise, she was sharing her
story and, while it is veryunique to her, I know that there
are other people out there thathave dealt with this or are
dealing with this, and so I just, you know, I asked her if she'd
be willing to share it.
So, louise, thank you so muchfor taking the time to.
(00:43):
You know, come and share thisstory.
I know it's never easy to talkabout sad things and horrible
things that happened in our life.
So, um, you know, I justappreciate you doing that.
So, thank you.
Louise (00:54):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for having me.
Um, so talking about my divorcewasn't something that I always
thought I would be super excitedto talk about, but here we are.
So, um, where do I?
Um, where do I?
Um?
Let's see, I was with my ex Tomfor about 10 years, um, before
we got married.
Um, we were together for fouryears, then we were engaged for
(01:20):
six and finally decided it wastime to pull the trigger and get
married.
So we did Not really sure why,but we did.
Sarah (01:35):
Isn't that one of those things that, like at the time,
you feel like, oh my gosh, thisis my soulmate and this is
forever.
And then when you look back onit, you're like wait what?
Yeah?
Louise (01:44):
So funny that you say that, because yes and no is
forever.
And then when you look back onit you're like wait what Like?
Sarah (01:49):
what yeah so?
Louise (01:49):
funny that you say that, because yes and no, yeah, um,
part of me knew I wasn't readyand knew I was kind of ambushed
when he proposed to begin with.
So, um, it was in front of hisentire family, oh and um, how
were you going to say no?
Right, exactly that was my.
That's my thoughts, like, howdo you even say no to someone
when they're in front of yourentire family or their entire
(02:09):
family?
Right, um, and we were.
We were so close and, yes, wewere in love-ish, I guess.
Sarah (02:17):
Yeah.
Louise (02:17):
Um, but we got engaged.
We were engaged for six years.
Wow, I wasn't ready, he wasn'tready, we just weren't ready.
Um, we finally decided, okay,let's do this, planned the
wedding.
It was like a joke of a wedding, if I know, I'm honest.
(02:38):
Um, it was beautiful, but hewas outside getting high the
whole time with his friendssmoking weed and it was just a
party for him, it was an excusefor a party for him yeah where I
was.
Like the dj would be like comeand get me, like hey, where,
where is he?
Like we need to do this, let'scut the cake, let's make the
(02:59):
toast, let's do this, let's dothis.
And we had to go send a searchparty out for him every single
time so that was frustrating.
Um so right then, and there Ikind of knew, and should have
known like, what am I doing?
um, and, to be completely honest, I just think that deep down, I
(03:22):
knew that there were so manyred flags between us.
It probably wasn't the bestidea, and had somebody on my
wedding day asked me are yousure this is what you want?
Chances are we probablywouldn't have got married.
Yeah, so anyways, um, fastforward 10 years.
(03:44):
We got married and, like I said, it was just a shit show.
If I may say, yeah, absolutelyyou can say that we went through
with it.
We got married.
The marriage was, um, okay Atfirst, lasted a whole three and
a half years.
Sarah (04:03):
Wow, so you guys dated much longer than you were
married Wow.
Louise (04:09):
Um, so that's another thing, like with our dating
history and everything.
It was just like when he had ajob.
If he had a job, he would worknights usually and I would work
days.
So we didn't really spend timetogether.
When we did spend time together, it was with other people,
always Like we would be hangingout with our friends or our
(04:29):
friends would be at our house orsomething always.
Yeah, it was like, and we haddogs and it was.
It was just it was stressful.
I was picking up.
I felt like a parent picking upafter their kid constantly and
their friends.
So that was stressful.
It was hard.
I still cared about him.
(04:50):
He was a great guy, but Irealized I loved him more like a
roommate than a husband at somepoint.
You know the kind of roommatewho eats all your snacks and
never picks up after themselves.
That type of roommate.
Sarah (05:06):
Those are the best yeah it was great, yeah, they don't
pay for anything and they eatall your stuff, so great.
Louise (05:12):
It was wonderful.
And then I finally just came toa breaking point.
Um, I found out one night thathe was having an online affair.
Um, that he was having anonline affair.
Ugh, it hit hard.
It hit hard, but even though Iknew that we weren't exactly in
love anymore, it still kind offelt like I don't know, like a
(05:35):
deep betrayal.
Yeah, to me it was like losingyour best friend, but also
knowing that maybe you twoshouldn't have been best friends
to begin with, if that makesany sense.
So, in a typical I'm about toend this fashion, I took the
laptop where I had found all ofhis dirty little secrets, as I
(05:57):
like to call them.
Yeah, and I went to our locallibrary because we didn't have a
printer in the house andprinted everything out, all the
emails and everything that I haddiscovered from his little
online relationship.
Sarah (06:21):
So I went and printed everything without even
confronting him, which blows meaway.
Yeah, I don't know how you hadthat much composure that you
just thought like, okay, I'mgoing to, just I'm going to
email all this stuff to me sothat I have, you know, all of
the evidence and the proof andall of that, but I'm not going
to confront them.
Louise (06:36):
Well, I honestly have no idea either.
No idea.
So, um, I did all of thatvindictively also.
So I did all of thatvindictively also, I think,
because I printed everything.
And then I called his mom.
Wow, I said, hey, we havesomething that we'd like to talk
(06:57):
to you about.
Can you come over after work?
And she was like, oh, yeah,sure, you know, blah, blah,
whatever, happy-go-luckyucky,she comes over and we're sitting
in the living room.
And I said, well, I invited youover here because I wanted to
tell you, in front of Tom, thatwhen we get divorced, this is
(07:20):
why and I handed her the folderwith all the emails, turned the
laptop around so that he couldsee what it was that I was
looking at, and handed himpaperwork to file for a divorce.
Wow.
Sarah (07:35):
Wow, like that to me is like an epic movie moment.
Like for you like to.
To me that's super badassbecause you like not only like
called him out on his shit, madesure his mom knew so he wasn't
you know, spending whatever likestory he might want to spend,
exactly because that's what youknow guys, do he still tried?
(07:58):
Yeah, well, of course and thenlike, and you handed him papers,
it's's awesome.
Louise (08:03):
Yeah.
Sarah (08:03):
Like you're my hero.
Louise (08:04):
So thanks.
So that happened and that'swhen the tears started.
I started shaking.
He was shaking and crying andhis mom was crying and it was
like a big I don't know.
I don't even know, but part ofme felt a little bit of relief
(08:27):
and finding it, I think, and Ithink maybe that's what gave me
the strength to like really lookat what, like look at, pay
attention to what I was lookingat, before I reacted yeah, um, I
think that the relief part ofit was bigger to me than the
(08:47):
actual divorce, which I knowsounds terrible.
Sarah (08:50):
No, I don't think so.
I think that sometimes we getto a point, whether it has come
to the surface or not, maybeit's just like you know,
subconsciously, you're you knowthat it's it's not working, but
you don't want to admit thatit's not working because you
know nobody wants to admit thattheir marriage is is failing or
(09:10):
whatever, and you know so I.
I can imagine that on somelevel it was like thank God,
like now I can actually likehave an out and have a reason,
instead of people just beinglike wait what?
Like you guys were together solong and you don't feel like you
gave up because you didn't doit A lot of that.
Louise (09:27):
So I didn't tell anybody about the cheating, the online
relationship part.
I didn't tell anybody aboutthat.
Our friends would be like, oh,you guys can work through this,
you can get through everything.
Like la, la, la wanted to giveus all their marriage advice and
counseling, yeah, all thethings.
And I was.
I was just, I kind of gotreally hard at that point, um,
(09:54):
not even just for myself, but um, to everybody.
Yeah, I finally was fed upenough where I told my friends,
even my best friend.
I told her, like listen, youdidn't live in my house, you
don't know my situation, youdon't know why we're getting
divorced.
Like you don't know the wholestory.
Nobody does.
That's between the two of us.
(10:15):
It's not anybody else'sbusiness or anybody else's story
to tell, it's ours.
Yeah, and I didn't want to, Ididn't want to ruin him by
saying, oh, he's a cheater, liarcheater, whatever you know, I
didn't want to do that.
Um, I just wanted my freshstart and we have the same
(10:36):
friends, we run in the samecircles.
So, and after being together forthat long, it's it's hard to
figure out how to do every daywithout that person yeah and
even, even when you can't standthem and you don't want to see
(10:57):
that person hurt, because youcare about that person, no
matter what the situation is,and that's why some people have
such nasty, terrible divorces,and I definitely didn't want
that.
I was already embarrassed thatI was getting a divorce.
I was embarrassed that I hadlet it go on as long as.
Sarah (11:17):
I did.
Louise (11:23):
I was embarrassed that I had let it go on as long as I
did.
I was embarrassed that hecheated, yeah, so I obviously
didn't want anyone to know that.
Um, and I also felt a littlebit guilty, like it was kind of
my fault that he cheated.
I mean, like I said, we wereliving more like roommates and
friends than lovers or a husbandand wife.
So, yeah, he had to fix hisneeds somewhere and it wasn't a
(11:46):
physical relationship that hewas having, but it was an
emotional one and it had beengoing on for a very long time.
Wow.
So, um, me finding out about itwas probably a blessing for us
both.
Um, I still see him to this day.
It's not.
It's not like we didn't used totalk when we would run into
(12:10):
each other.
We would avoid each other, likeyeah, like the plague yeah
absolutely.
We would avoid each other likenobody's business.
And now when we run into eachother, we can be casual and like
hey, what's up, how are you?
You know, short and sweet, moveon with it.
And our actual divorce day Ididn't want it to be messy, he
(12:34):
didn't want it to be messy,nobody did.
He didn't want it to be messy,nobody did.
So we had talked we hadn'treally talked much leading up to
the actual day of the divorce.
When we went into court, thejudge, right before he granted
us the divorce, he looked at meand said Are you absolutely sure
(12:59):
this is what you want andnobody's forcing you to do this?
And I immediately startedtrembling and was like yes.
And then he looked at Tom andasked is this 100% what you want
and nobody's forcing you to dothis?
And he almost couldn't say yes,he was.
(13:21):
He started crying and shakingand he looked over at me and I
gave him like a little nod andhe said yes.
And so then the judge was realconfused and was like are you
sure that this is what you wantOf?
Sarah (13:40):
course Are you?
Louise (13:41):
100% sure that this is what you want.
And we said yes, and he saidokay, and he granted us our
divorce.
And then, as we were gettingready to walk out of the
courtroom, we were both at theedge of the.
He was on his side and I was onmy side and we were walking out
to get up to go towards thedoor, and we were both at the
edge of the, the key was on hisside and I was on my side.
We were walking out, um to getup to go towards the door, and
(14:01):
we were both like face to faceand we just hugged, oh, and then
he asked me if I had eatenanything today and I told him no
and he said he hadn't eitherand asked me to breakfast, and
so we went and had breakfasttogether.
it was awkward, but nice yeah itwas like a okay, this is it.
(14:22):
You know.
It was finally like this is thelast time that we're gonna have
a meal together yeah um, so wedid that, and then we went on
our ways wow yeah, pretty crazyyeah, wow that's.
Sarah (14:39):
I mean I do like it, though I love the ending.
You know, even though there wasall of this like turmoil and
all of this, you know clearlysadness and clearly you know you
both cared about each otherbecause you could have been way
more vindictive.
I mean, I've heard severalstories and my job is not to
(15:00):
judge anybody, nor would I everjudge anybody.
Everyone has to do what isright for them or what they feel
is right for them in thatmoment.
But I love that you at leastknew enough to know, like, hey,
we run in the same circles, wehave a lot of the same friends.
Um, I don't want to completelyout him for his mistake, because
(15:21):
it was a mistake, butultimately it ended up getting
you both to a different spotwhere you're both probably much
happier well, and I don't blamehim honestly.
Louise (15:32):
I don't blame him for he needed to feel that, he needed
to feel loved from somebody, andeven though it wasn't a
physical relationship, it was anemotional one, and he needed
that emotional support fromsomeone and I was not giving it
yeah and I.
(15:53):
I don't think I was evencapable of giving it.
If I'm being honest, it was, Idon't know.
I felt more like a parent tohim than a spouse.
Sarah (16:06):
Yeah.
Louise (16:06):
So that, I think, was that's why I think it was a
little bit of a relief for meand I was able to handle it the
way that I handled it and notlike be pissed.
Sarah (16:20):
Yeah, yell and scream and throw at all your business over
social media, I mean, I stilldon't like him.
Yeah, but I don't hate him.
Louise (16:29):
I don't wish him any harm or anything like that, I
just don't like him yeah.
Sarah (16:34):
He just wasn't your person.
Louise (16:35):
Yeah, not my person and now I'm happier than I've ever
been.
Yeah, and I hope that he is.
I hope that he is too, becauseyou know, it changes a person
when you're happy.
Sarah (16:48):
Yeah, yeah, it really does, it doesn't.
I, my situation was a littlebit different, like there was no
, you know, cheating involved,but you know, at the end, like
we were able to, you know, kindof walk out of the courthouse
and be like, you know, you good,yep, you're good, okay, cool,
like you know.
And and we were able to doeverything like just, you know,
for our daughter and we never,um, you know, we never posted
(17:11):
about it on social media.
In fact, I've run into peoplerecently it's been over a decade
since he and I like separated,divorced, all that stuff and I
still will run into people thatknew us, you know, from our
first job where we met, andthey're like, oh my gosh, like
you know how's Kevin doing?
And I'm like, ah, I mean, he'sgood, he and his wife are great,
and they're like, wait, what?
(17:31):
So?
Um, so, anyways, I just saythat I commend you for taking
the high road, because I thinkthat I think more people should
explore that high road.
I'm not saying it's foreverybody, not every.
Every situation is unique.
Everything is different.
Louise (17:46):
And I definitely think that our situation was very
unique because For sure, and youknow as much as I hate to say
this, and I've never, probablyever said this out loud I
probably had an emotional affairalso because, but not the same
way, like I wasn't tellinganyone that I loved them, or
like telling them that they Ihated him or anything that he
(18:08):
was doing wrong or anything likethat.
but I had my group of friendswho made me always feel good,
like my friends always were verysupportive and I could vent to
them about everything all thetime where he didn't, he did
that facade where everything wasperfect for us all the time.
Sarah (18:30):
So I think that that was very different too.
Louise (18:32):
Um, yeah, so wow, yeah, so Wow.
Sarah (18:37):
Now, you had mentioned that everyone gave you advice.
You know, or was like in yourbusiness, and I think that
that's something that most of usyou know.
It doesn't matter, like ifyou're going through a divorce
or you're pregnant or whatever.
People want to tell you theirhorror stories or they want to
tell you the advice they thinkis the right thing to say to you
(18:58):
.
Looking back on that, like whatwould you, what do you wish
that maybe someone would havetold you?
Like, what helpful advice doyou think you could have gotten?
Or what helpful advice wouldyou give someone if they came to
you and told you the same storythat you're telling?
Louise (19:15):
So I think that what I wish that somebody would have
said to me is it's okay.
Yeah, I wish that somebodywould have said you know you are
the only person that is incontrol of your life, and if you
are letting other peoplecontrol your life, you're never
going to truly find your happyspot.
(19:36):
You're never going to be happywith yourself or with anybody
else for that matter, yeah, orbe able to make yourself or
anybody else happy, because whenyou're truly not happy, what
are you?
Yeah, you're a shell of a human, and so it's okay to feel
broken.
It's okay to feel unloved orselfish, even, yeah, like
(20:04):
feeling selfish is 100% okay,and I feel like you have to be
selfish in a relationship.
You have to.
Um, my current partner and Iare both selfish and we work
that because of that, like weare very, very sweet and kind
(20:27):
and would do anything in theworld for each other, but put
ourselves first, because youhave to.
Sarah (20:34):
Yeah, and.
Louise (20:35):
I wish that somebody would have told me that.
I wish that someone would havetold me that it's okay to feel
like that.
Yeah, um, but they didn't.
Everyone was wanting to fix myproblem.
Sometimes you don't need anyoneto fix your problem, you only
need to listen to you.
Sarah (20:48):
Yeah, I think that's such great advice and I totally
agree with you, cause I thinkthat you know, while some people
they have, they have goodintentions and they feel like
they're telling you great things, them passing judgment or
telling you how you should do,it is never what someone needs
to hear.
Louise (21:08):
Exactly, exactly, and it's not anybody's business.
Sarah (21:10):
Yeah.
Louise (21:11):
And that's the thing.
So for Tom and I, for ourrelationship, it was um.
A lot of my decision was itwasn't anybody's business what
we were going through or why wewere getting divorced or what
was going on behind closed doors, because they don't live your
life, you live your life.
(21:32):
Nobody really truly knows whatgoes on behind closed doors.
Nobody does right.
Sarah (21:38):
So your story is your story period and your story.
Louise (21:42):
You can be in a room and I I totally believe this.
You can be in a room and Itotally believe this you can be
in a room with all of the samepeople and something insane
happens and every single one ofyou tell the story of what
happened completely different.
Yes, you each have a differentview on it.
Have to remember in your lifeand with in a relationship, you
(22:08):
and that other person are goingto have different versions of
how it happened.
Yeah, and that's okay.
That's okay.
Let him have his version, letme have my version.
You know?
Yeah, it's, it's what it is.
Yeah, it's nobody's's nobody'sbusiness.
It's nobody's business, but thetwo of yours.
Yeah, you both know whatactually happened.
Sarah (22:30):
Yeah, no, I love that and I think that's so totally true
because, you know, I used tocall it um revisionist history,
like when you know, when myex-husband would like make
comments or you know, like talkabout a story or whatever, I'd
be like, man, you've got somerevisionist history there, like
you just completely like changedit, so it's.
(22:50):
You know, it's interesting tohear you say, like everyone has
their own like perspective andI'm like, yeah, you know what,
like that is so true and youknow like he can believe that
and that's okay.
Louise (22:59):
Yeah, absolutely, and like the way that I am telling
my story today is probablycompletely different from how he
would tell this story yeah so Imean, and I'm okay with that
yeah and it is what it is.
I never told anybody about thecheating.
This is the first time thatI've talked about it yeah, a
(23:19):
long time actually, but um, yeah, I never.
Nobody knows about the cheatingbecause it's not anybody's
business and it made me feeljust as ashamed as it would have
made him feel.
For sure, and it would have madepeople judge him differently
than how they do, and that Ijust I don't feel like that's
(23:40):
fair to anybody because, again,I feel like I also am
responsible in my divorce.
Yeah, because of both of us, itwasn't just one of us.
Yeah.
Sarah (23:49):
When I think that's such a a very like, healthy way of
looking at it, because I think,unfortunately, a lot of people
in your situation would onlyblame him.
It's all his fault.
He did it all to me, you know,like very um, and that's okay.
That's okay If that's how youview it.
Again, not judging this isnever a judgment zone.
(24:11):
Your story is your story.
But I think it's very healthyto get to that point, cause I
know I used to look at mydivorce way differently than I
do now.
You know, now I look at it froma healthy lens where I'm like,
wow, there were some red flags.
Wow, how did I not see that?
Hey, you know what, like Ididn't fuck up my kid, and you
know I'm happy, he's happy.
Louise (24:32):
Everything's great.
Thank God we didn't have kids.
Sarah (24:34):
Yeah, we did not have kids.
Louise (24:35):
so I did not have to deal with that.
Yeah, because that would havebeen a whole other.
We did have to fight for dogcustody.
Oh, I got a dog and he got adog.
Actually, I got two and he gotone, yeah.
Sarah (24:47):
I love that.
So, yeah, I just think that's sogood and I think that you know
that, being selfish, I wouldn'teven look at it as being selfish
, I would look at it more asself-care.
Yeah, absolutely Like, just youknow, because I think that
sometimes people hear selfishand they're like, oh, like you
know, and it has a negativeconnotation.
(25:08):
I know you, louise, enough toknow that that is not you, like
you're, you're not, you know,you're not actually like the
definition of selfish.
You just you are healthy toknow that you, you know there
are things that you need, that,like you have needs and they
need to be met, and that youhave self-care.
Louise (25:25):
I love that you said it that way that, like you have
needs and they need to be metand then you have self-care.
I love that you said it thatway.
Yeah, well, good Cause I alwayssay I'm selfish.
Sarah (25:31):
Yeah, I always say I'm selfish.
Yeah, I don't think you are Ilike the way that you say it.
Louise (25:35):
It makes it sound much better.
Sarah (25:37):
Yeah Well, just because I , sadly, being selfish has such
a negative connotation, you know, I just I want to make sure
that you, you know, don't absorbthat that negativeness of it
and you absorb the like wow, Iam a healthy, thriving human who
puts my needs first, becauseyou know that you can't give
(26:00):
from an empty cup, Like you haveto be a hundred percent filled
yourself.
I am so guilty of that and likeof depleting myself enough to
make sure that everybody else istaken care of.
So that is something I'm reallyfocused on.
Louise (26:14):
So I love that you said that I've worked on that for
years.
I have always been that person.
Sarah (26:18):
I've always been the oh, just call Louise, she'll do it
yeah.
Louise (26:24):
Type of person and I'm not anymore and I give him
thanks for that.
Sarah (26:31):
Right, isn't it funny?
Cause I have thanked myex-husband more than once for
leaving and he's always likeyou're welcome and I'm like no,
like I'm legit thanking you,like I would not be where I'm at
today and you wouldn't be whereyou're at today and we wouldn't
both be as happy as we are ifwe'd stay together.
(26:52):
Absolutely so, that's okay,yeah, I.
Louise (26:55):
I totally agree.
He has a kid now and is superhappy in his relationship.
I have kids now and I'm superhappy in my relationship.
So, yeah, yeah, we're waybetter than and we're better
humans.
Sarah (27:11):
Yeah.
Louise (27:12):
It definitely made us better people Like I'm a better
person, I'm a better person forit.
Yeah, it changed my life forthe better.
Sarah (27:22):
I love that and I love that you were able to take a
really shitty situation and findthat silver lining and find
that you know that positivenessof like, hey, you know what this
happened.
Yeah, that sucked, you know.
And yeah, I don't want torelive that, but I now have come
out stronger, better, moreknowledgeable, ready to take on
(27:44):
the future.
Louise (27:45):
It wasn't quick, it wasn't like, no, it wasn't easy
for me to do that.
No, um, it took a lot, a lot, alot, um, and many years for me
to be able to even, like, talkabout it honestly.
Yeah, Um.
So for me to get to where I amtoday, 14 years later, right, 10
(28:08):
years, I don't know how manyyears it's been it's been a
while, yeah, it's been a longtime.
Yeah, but for me to get towhere I am today took a lot of
self searching, I guess, like Ihad to.
I had to reevaluate me andfigure out what it is that makes
me happy and my wants and needs, before I was able to even be
(28:34):
in this place where I could talkabout it and be honest about
it's not just his fault.
It's my fault just as much.
Sarah (28:41):
Yeah.
Louise (28:41):
Because before, I absolutely would just want to
blame him.
For sure, like, screw him, he'san asshole.
Yeah, I absolutely would justwant to blame him.
Sarah (28:46):
For sure Like screw him.
Louise (28:47):
He's an asshole, yeah, but I still kept the reasoning,
or, I guess, what I like to callthe reasoning, which really is
not the reason.
The reason that we got divorcedwas because we were unhappy.
Sarah (29:01):
Yeah.
Louise (29:01):
We were not supposed to be married.
The cheating happened also forthat same reason.
Right, so I don't, I can'tblame the divorce married.
The cheating happened also forthat same reason, right so I, I
don't, I can't, I can't blamethe divorce on the cheating.
That's what I'm getting at.
Yeah, I, I have to blame thedivorce on.
We were two different peoplethat were not supposed to be
together.
Sarah (29:19):
Yeah, to begin with, yeah , to get to that realization, um
took a long time and I thinkthat's such a good point to make
sure that anyone listening,because if they're in the middle
of this, I'm certain thatthey're thinking there's no way
in hell I'm ever going to thinklike that, because I can
(29:40):
guarantee you when I was goingthrough mine again very
different story, again verydifferent story but when I was
going through mine, if anyonewould have ever told me that I
was going to A talk openly aboutit and B like help others
through it, I would have laughedin your face Like there's no
freaking way, like I was so lostin that grief and why me and
what's you know like.
Louise (30:00):
And the hate?
Yes, the hate overtakes you.
Yes, like I hated him.
Yeah, I hated him, I hated him,but at the same time, I felt so
much relief that I don't know,I don't know.
I honestly, truly cannot tellyou where I got the strength to
(30:20):
do the things that I did as Iwas finding them, and not break
that laptop over his face.
Yeah, I cannot tell you why Ichose the decisions that I, or
chose to make the decisions thatI made, but I'm glad that I did
it the way that I did it,because it saved a lot of face
in the end.
Yeah, yeah, and now we canactually be in the same room and
(30:43):
not want to rip each other'sface off.
So, yeah, took, took us a whileto get there.
Sarah (30:47):
Yeah, but I love that, cause I'm sure that you did.
You know therapy, um, and otherself care things you know are.
Are there anything that youcould think of, cause I know for
me the things that have helpedme get to this point, cause I'm
over a decade out.
Um, is, you know therapy?
Thank God for my therapist DearGod, she's worth her weight in
(31:09):
gold, um, and then you know,obviously, like learning to lean
into those feelings, throwyourself that damn pity party.
If you wake up one day and youwere so sad, cry it out throw
the pity party.
Louise (31:22):
It's the same as and I don't don't take me wrong, I'm
not trying to compare divorce todeath right.
But it's very similar, yeah,when you lose somebody that
you've been with for that manyyears, and then they're part of
your everyday life, and thenthey're just gone, yeah, it
almost feels like they died.
Yeah, and I know some peoplethat are listening probably are
(31:46):
like I wish they died, right,but you don't, you truly don't,
and eventually you'll realizethat you don't and that you'll
be okay.
Yeah, eventually you'll realizeI'm okay, I'm better because of
this.
Sarah (32:01):
Yeah, yeah, I read a lot of books by Brene Brown Me too.
She was so helpful, yes, whatwas that?
The one that really helped mewas Daring Greatly, yes, and I
loved that one.
She did so amazing.
And then there was also one byArianna Huffington, and hers was
(32:24):
so amazing.
It was in becoming fearless inlife, love and work, and it was
so good Like.
Both of those were very helpful.
But I found that, like readingbooks like that, going to
therapy, making time for myfriends, not being you know with
with my daughter, I was like ahundred percent all about her.
(32:47):
My whole life revolved aroundher and I can say one of the
things that I thank myex-husband for is that he was
always really big on hey, sarah,like you should go and have a
life outside of Addison, becauseyou know, like at some point
Addison's going to, like youknow she's going to graduate and
grow up and you know, move awayand then what you know, like
(33:10):
your whole life is going tocrumble.
You know, and it doesn't modelto her.
You know behavior Like ifyou're modeling to her that
you're just making your kid yourentire life, like you know then
she's going to do the samething, whereas if I showed her
like, hey, I've you know, I havehobbies, I have friends, I have
things to do, you know, likeobviously you're still my world,
(33:32):
I still love you more thananything.
But I am going to be a muchbetter mom to you If I go and
spend time with my friends, orif I go to this yoga class, or
if I go do this, yeah, if I godrink some mom juice, which is
what she always called my wine,you know, if I go have that,
then I'm going to come back andI'm going to be a better mom.
Yeah, which sounds socounterintuitive, so
(33:55):
counterintuitive to like leaveto be a good mom.
Louise (33:57):
Have you had the stuff called mom juice?
They have an actual, actuallycalled mom juice.
Sarah (34:01):
now, it is so good it's so good.
Louise (34:03):
Yeah, I love it, but the book that I loved was Rising
Strong.
Sarah (34:09):
So, good.
I read that one when I was onvacation, because that was
another thing I started doingwas just like solo vacations or
vacations with girlfriends, justto, you know, be able to
recharge and become a betterversion.
But I say all that to say thatI think you did everything very
smartly.
So whether you felt that way inthe moment or not, I get it,
(34:35):
but I think that you handled itso smartly and so kindly, which
you know, and so gracefully,which I think is so amazing, and
you should definitely be veryproud of yourself for that.
And you know you've then goneon to like build this amazing
life with you know, someone newand with new adventures, and you
(34:55):
still don't have that hatebuilt up in you, you don't have
that resentment.
You're like, hey, this is it,you know, and look at you like
you were able to share the story.
There were no tears and youknow, you look at you like you
were able to share the storythere were no tears and you know
you didn't like throw anythingRight, right, true.
True, not that you would, louise, you're not that type of person
, but I love it.
(35:19):
I love it Well.
So, um, before we go, is thereany last things that, like, if
someone, if you had someone callyou today and they told you
that they were going throughsomething similar, what, like,
what would be your, your adviceto them?
And you know, obviously,telling them like it's okay,
it's not just you, but like youknow, what advice or like steps
(35:40):
would you tell them to take?
Would you want them to do theexact thing that you did?
Would you?
Louise (35:45):
recommend that, depending on their situation, I
mean, you got to really focus onwhat's going to be best for you
and again, everybody'ssituation is different.
Their situation is not going tobe the exact same as mine.
They're not going to have thecomposure that I had, or they
might have better composure thanI had.
I think that the advice that Iwould give anybody right now
(36:09):
going through a situation that'ssimilar to mine would be feel
it absolutely.
Take in every feeling,recognize every feeling and give
yourself time to really feel it, because that's the only way
that you're going to do what'sright for you.
Sarah (36:27):
Yeah, feel that's such good advice, cause I think we,
as women, tend to just shove itdown Like it's okay, we don't.
You know, we've got the PTAtoday and we've got, you know,
75 things to do at work andwe've got it.
You know, like get the kidseverywhere.
Or like, even if you don't havekids, like I've got to do all
of these tasks and so it's likeokay, I'm just going to shove
that down here because I don'thave time to deal with that.
Louise (36:48):
You're either going to shove it down or you're going to
make it explode to the top, andyou need to find that happy
medium Because if you don't letyourself feel and really know
and understand your feelings,you're going to do one of the
two and it's not healthy for youor for anybody else because you
have two different extremes.
Sarah (37:09):
Yeah.
Louise (37:10):
Explode or you sink, yeah, so.
Sarah (37:15):
I love that.
Yeah, that's my advice.
Feel such good advice, thankyou.
Thank you, louise, for takingtime out and I know you're super
busy with your new life and Ilove that but thank you for just
being so authentic and so braveto come and share your story
and I guarantee you're helpingpeople.
Louise (37:36):
Thanks so much.
I'm so thankful to be here.
Sarah (37:38):
Yes, awesome.
Louise (37:39):
I hope I do get to help somebody.
Sarah (37:41):
You will.
You will Absolutely Well.
Thank you so much and we'll seeyou next time on Thrive and
Decide.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.