October 26, 2025 • 29 mins
Episode 11: “I’m Not the Problem… But I’m Not Innocent Either”
Theme: Facing your own patterns, projections, and toxic traits with grace.
Summary:
In this episode, Destiny unpacks the uncomfortable but liberating truth: sometimes, we contribute to our own chaos. She explores how to recognize repeating patterns, identify emotional projections, and take accountability without shame. If you’ve ever found yourself saying “it’s not me, it’s them”—this episode will lovingly challenge you to look in the mirror.
Key Takeaways:
- Your patterns are learned, not permanent.
- Projection is often an invitation to deeper self-awareness.
- You can’t heal what you keep justifying.
- Accountability without grace becomes self-abuse.
- Healing is learning to love even the unflattering parts of yourself.
Journal Prompts:
- What behavior do I justify that actually hurts my peace?
- What triggers me most in others—and what might it say about me?
- What version of me am I ready to take accountability for and release?
Mantra of the Week:
“I’m not innocent, but I am intentional about evolving.”
CTA:
Share your reflections on Instagram Stories and tag @theedestinyc using #UnfilteredHealing — let’s normalize grace-filled growth together.
- Follow Destiny: Instagram - @theedestinyc
- Join the conversation: Use #BecomingHER
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
I didn't leave cause I stopped loving them.
I love cause I started lovingme.
And peace don't always coffee.
Sometimes it costs.
(00:26):
I used to try to keep the peace.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
Even playing on the Happy, happy Sunday.
Happy Sunday, folks, and welcometo another episode of Unfiltered
Destiny.
And I am your girl, DestinyDenise, and this week's episode
(01:45):
is real.
You know what I mean?
I'm not gonna give it a niceprologue or a preface, but this
episode is definitely real.
Um, the title of today's episodeis I'm not the problem, but I'm
not innocent either.
You know, sometimes we love topoint out everyone's else
(02:08):
toxicity, like, oh, that's thatperson's toxic, or that person
is gas, a gaslighter, amanipulator, whatever um the
cause may be.
We love to talk about how theydidn't communicate, how they
were manipulative, um, how theydid us dirty, you know, what
they did to us.
But what about the moments whenwe were the ones who pulled the
(02:31):
same moves?
Like, you know, just quieter, alittle bit sneakier, prettier,
um, more emotionally disguised.
So this episode, although veryraw and real, um, is not about
guilt or blame.
It's about emotional honesty.
(02:52):
Because the truth is, you know,you may not be the problem.
I may not be the problem, but Iknow for sure myself, I've
definitely been the problembefore.
So let me take a moment with youguys.
Um, there was a point in my lifewhere I thought like emotional
(03:17):
shutdown was just, it was, itwas maturity.
You know what I'm saying?
I told myself that by shuttingdown, I was protecting my peace,
my sanity.
But in reality, I was justavoiding accountability.
I was afraid of the reality.
Um, and I was just trying tofind a way out.
(03:41):
I didn't want to admit that Ihad built these walls um and
started calling them boundaries.
You know what I mean?
Because some people forget likea boundary and a wall is
different.
You know what I mean?
Like a wall keeps outeverything.
A boundary tells a person wherenot to go.
(04:01):
But you can still see, like youcan still communicate, you can
still um look over, or even, youknow, when it comes to maybe
adjusting boundaries or allowingsomebody to, you know, maybe
step into that boundary, um, isa whole lot easier than trying
to remove a wall.
(04:24):
Um, the realization didn't makeme a bad person.
And I think for me, you know,that was one of the things like
once I got to this point, I hadto realize that I'm human, you
know what I mean?
Um and just because I sat downin the mirror and I realized
(04:45):
what I was doing did not make meless human or a bad person or a
vicious person or a maliciousperson.
Um, it just made me human.
But it also opened something upin me.
You know what I mean?
Like even though peoplesometimes, if you look at um,
you know, TikTok reels,Instagram, social media in
(05:08):
general, they like to give youthe aesthetic reel, the
aesthetic 60 seconds of healing.
But um, when you're on thatjourney, that healing journey,
that journey to becoming her, itis ugly.
It's an ugly journey and it'sconstant.
And sometimes it's like you feeldisgusted with yourself, you
(05:31):
feel exposed, you're vulnerable,um, all of that.
So that's what that moment was.
It was a moment ofself-reflection where the
perception mirror um that I washolding up to myself grabbed.
It made me see that, you know,healing isn't escapism.
(05:54):
You know what I mean?
Healing isn't like escapingpeople or, you know, escaping
toxic people or people who drainyour energy, even though that
could be a part of it.
Um, it was also aboutconfronting the toxic patterns
that we keep beating.
You know, the saying that nobodydoes anything to you that you
(06:17):
don't allow.
The more and more that I goinside myself and I travel along
this healing journey and gothrough these emotions and these
steps, that statement, oh mygosh, never rings more truer.
Because nine times out of ten,if a person treats you a certain
(06:40):
way or they'll do certainthings, it doesn't take from the
fact that they may not be goodpeople, but you also gotta ask
yourself, like, how many timesdid I spend up on myself?
How many times did I accept themdisrespect and say, you know
what, that's just, you know, J Band J, or that's that's just how
they are, you know, whatever.
I don't pay them no attention.
(07:02):
Um, but in truthfully, it startsto chip away at you uh slowly
but surely.
So here's the thing yourpattern, the pattern, your
repetition of something that youdo, that's a pattern, is not
your personality.
It's your pain trying to protectyou.
(07:22):
So that was something that Ithink we all need to kind of
understand that just because youdo it over and over and over
again does not mean it's yourpersonality.
That's not just who you are.
It typically has some type of uhroot cause.
It's trying to protectsomething, it's trying to cover
(07:45):
up something, and typically isjust trying to protect you from
pain.
If you learn that being silentkeeps the peace, then that
becomes a pattern.
Excuse me, guys.
Silence, people like, oh, don'tmistake silence or you know,
weakness or anything like that.
(08:06):
But sometimes it's almost likeif you're having a conversation
with someone and you don'tagree, but you don't state that
you don't agree, you don't sayanything.
Sometimes that silence isacceptance.
And when you keep on doing itbecause you don't feel like
confronting this person, youdon't feel like going into a
drawn explanation on why they'reyou know your views are
(08:29):
different, it's a pattern.
It's something that you do everytime you find yourself in an
uncomfortable situation, youtend to just be silent and let
it let it rise.
Um if you grew up having to earnlove, your chase validation like
(08:52):
is oxygen.
Now thankfully, you know, um mychildhood, I didn't I wouldn't
say I had a childhood where Ihad to grow up trying to earn
love.
Um, but you know, I definitelycan relate to the chasing
(09:14):
validation in certain aspects umof life because when you were
younger, your younger years,your formative years, you may
not have people step up, step upfor you.
You know what I mean?
Maybe you were like a I don'tknow, super academic person who
always got straight A's, andevery time you had a award
(09:38):
ceremony, you noticed thatnobody was there clapping for
you.
You know what I'm saying?
So it caused you just to goharder and harder and harder in
school trying to seek validationfrom something or someone.
But those patterns aren't whoyou are.
You know what I mean?
(09:58):
Like, you don't want to besilent.
You wanna say something, youwant to be like, you know what?
I don't agree, or I think you'reout of line, or you know, you
don't want to take the highroad, you know what I mean, or
you don't want to be silent, oryou don't want to agree just for
(10:19):
agreeing's sake because youdon't feel like uh argument.
That's not who you are, that'sjust your pattern.
There's the Bible scriptswritten during a time when you
didn't have better tools.
So maybe like, you know, youjust notice that it is an
(10:44):
argument or going back andforth.
If you just be quiet, it kind ofblows over.
Or, you know, that person kindof just walks away, leaves you
alone, leaves you be, let yoube.
So that's the that's the script.
That's what you go to when youget tired of arguing, we don't
want to argue, you don't wantconversation, you just be
(11:07):
silent.
Now, is the issue resolved?
No.
Do you feel like crap?
Most likely.
But you told yourself you playedthis role so often that in order
to survive this chaos, I'm justgonna be quiet.
(11:28):
And that will eventually end it.
The grace comes in realizing youcan rewrite the script.
Like with me when it comes toarguments, now grantedly I have
been in a place of learning, youknow what I mean?
(11:51):
Because me, uh, it takes a lotto get me to a point now.
Now, before, like, fool, noteven a good five years ago.
If you took it there, I wasthere with you.
Like, and I'm not talking aboutmatching energy, I mean
overpowering it.
Mouth vicious.
Because that's just what it was.
(12:12):
That's how I survived.
Like, I I just attacked, youknow what I mean?
And I realized that I was doingit because that's just how it
was a survival instinct in me.
And, you know, it didn't, Ididn't care if they got loud,
I'm gonna get louder.
If you go low, I'm going tohell.
(12:33):
Like, I'm I'm right there withyou, you know what I mean?
Like, and did not care, did notapologize, even if I felt like
crap afterwards.
I don't care.
Because in that moment, I wasprotecting myself and I was in
survival mode, and that's all Iknew.
I didn't know how to communicateproperly.
(12:54):
I didn't know that you had tomatch, you you don't have to
match someone's tone in order toget your point across.
So, like I said, you just youcan rewrite the script.
You just gotta make sure thatyou get the tools to do so.
So ask yourself what do I keepdoing that no longer aligns with
(13:17):
who I want to become?
What do I keep doing?
What are those things that Ijust do all the time that do not
align with who I want to become?
(13:37):
You know, that question byitself can change your whole
trajectory of you know where itis that you see yourself, or you
know, what it is that you wantto be.
So you you could do it, you justhave to take the time.
(13:59):
And for me, I'm a pen and paperperson.
Maybe you guys aren't um maybelike a digital planner, or maybe
you're just a thinker and youdon't really like to write it
down.
You just like to be along withyour thoughts.
But I would recommend fiercelythat this is something that you
do pretty soon.
(14:20):
Because one, it'll just startbecoming another tool in your
toolbox of your healing jargon.
Because like I stated before,the journey is constant and is
not always is not always prettyand it doesn't come, you know,
in a 60-second reel.
(14:42):
Uh it is gonna it it gets messy,but the more tools that you have
while you're on this journey,the more that you equip
yourself, it it becomes a lotmore bearable.
So now let's jump intoprojections and the blame game.
(15:05):
Projections are sneaky littlemirrors.
You ever notice that how thethings that irritate you most
about other people are oftenthings that you struggle to
admit about yourself?
Think about it.
Like, just think, because I knowwe all have that one person or
that one thing that people dothat just ugh, it hurts your
(15:29):
everlasting soul.
But then after you look at that,turn the mirror onto yourself
and and see if it doesn't match,you know what I mean?
If it doesn't, if you don't seethat same thing within yourself
that you struggle to admit.
(15:49):
When I catch myself judgingsomeone's behavior too hard, I
stop and ask, is it me or is itthem?
You know what I mean?
Like, I really have come a longway.
Like, I was never a judgmentalperson, but sometimes things
irritate me.
Like, um, like a person's it canbe something that they're doing
(16:12):
that really isn't thatbothersome, but it just it just
irritated me.
It just irked me to no end.
And when I started this journeygoing to therapy and just, you
know, um peeling back the layersof just trauma and hurt and
miscommunication, I started toask, like, even when I started
(16:34):
doing it now, I'm like, and Iknew no, you know what I mean?
It's me.
It's it's it's me because I seemyself within that, within that
person or within that behaviorthat is triggering, you know
what I mean?
So you have to stop and askyourself, like, is it is it me
or is it really them?
You know what I mean?
Like, is it me or is it them?
(16:56):
So for instance, if youconstantly feel like people are
being fake, maybe it's becauseyou're not being fully authentic
with yourself.
You know, like I tell people allthe time, like, I I believe
people are who they think theyare at the moment.
Um, but yeah, and when I noticedthat, I used to be like, man,
(17:19):
she, that's not a they don't dothat all the time, like they
fade.
Like, that's a point.
But I also realized that whenI'm in certain places and I
shrink myself to better becomemore palatable to the audience
that I am, that yeah, it's justa point.
Every time I agree with adecision, just for the sake of
(17:41):
agreeing, when truthfully Idon't agree, you know what I
mean?
I have maybe 16 points on why Idon't agree.
And that's me not being myauthentic self.
That's me being fake.
And the reason why I could pointit out at other people is
because it was something that Iwas also doing that was uh
(18:04):
irritating me.
But because I didn't want to fixme, I could, you know, bring it
out or talk about others thatway.
Another example.
If you think everyone is tryingto control you, maybe you got
your own control issues showingup in, you know, in new clothes.
(18:28):
So maybe you're controlling,maybe you're one of those people
that wants to have everything acertain way, and you know, you
look at somebody else and you'relike, oh, you're trying to
control the way that I dress,the way that I speak.
But in truth, you know what Imean, you have your own issues
with letting go or letting otherpeople maybe just step in and
(18:48):
help you, and you're just seeingit in a different light through
a different person.
And facing that truth isn't itisn't cute, it isn't
aesthetically pleasing, but itis clarifying.
It's how you stop repeatingcycles and start building
awareness, and that to me, withjust within every single
(19:12):
community, uh, is key.
We have to stop repeating cyclesand start building awareness.
That's the only way that you'regonna move forward and move
forward in a positive, healthyway.
So understand this toxic traitsdo not make you a bad person.
(19:37):
Let's be honest.
We've all done toxic thingswhile trying to survive.
You might gaslight yourself bysaying it wasn't that bad, or
you know, I it was the wrongthing, but I did it for the
right reasons.
That used to be my thing.
It was, I know it was wrong, butI did it for the right reasons.
That's how I used to gaslightmyself.
(19:59):
Um, you might guilt trip someonebecause you're afraid of being
abandoned.
You might withdraw when thingsget real because emotional
safety feels foreign to you.
That last one, that's that wasall me.
Like, if I started to feel tooopen, like too vulnerable, too
(20:24):
emotionally available, then I'mgonna ghost you.
I'm gonna ghost the wholesituation.
I don't want to be around you, Idon't want to talk to you
because you've gotten too close.
And I have an innate, I had aninnate need.
And as I say have, because I'mstill working on it to protect
(20:46):
myself.
Like, I don't think thateverybody is out to get me, but
I haven't gotten fullycomfortable with the fact that
everybody is not out to get me.
But none of that makes you amonster.
Doesn't make you a bad guy, itmakes you someone learning a new
emotional language.
(21:07):
That's it.
Healing means holding space foryour shadow self.
The one who lashes out, avoidspeople please people pleases or
shuts down and saying, I seeyou, but I'm not living from you
anymore.
And the only way to destroy yourshadow is to step into the
(21:30):
light.
But also stepping into thelight, you know, it's bright,
it's blinding, it's new, youknow what I mean?
You see things differently.
So again, it's a process.
And do not beat yourself up ifyou're scrading between the
shadow and the light because weall been there.
(21:50):
Some of us stay there for a longtime.
But it'll get better becausethat's what grace looks like in
motion.
That's grace in motion, it'sfluid.
Anybody knows anything aboutmotion?
Motion isn't just forward orback.
Motion is forward, back, zigzag,side to side, in a circle.
(22:13):
You know what I mean?
Like it isn't something that canbe mapped out perfectly.
It's just what it is.
So when you realize your ownpatterns, you might feel a
little bit of shame, maybe someguilt creep in.
But shame doesn't changebehavior.
(22:35):
Awareness does.
So instead of beating yourselfup, try this affirmation.
I can hold myself accountableand still be kind to myself.
I'm not innocent, but I'mintentional about evolving.
I can hold myself accountableand still be kind to myself.
(22:59):
I'm not innocent, but I'mintentional about evolving.
Now, I'm gonna take a side sidestep right click and let's talk
about intentionality, beingintentional.
When you're on a healingjourney, when you're trying to
move forward and live your bestlife and live out your purpose,
you have to become intentional.
(23:23):
You know, learning to disciplineyourself isn't intentional.
It's intentional.
Everything that you do has tohave some type of intention
behind it in order for you tomotivate and not even motivate,
push yourself to keep going.
So this episode, you know, itisn't about being stuck in guilt
(23:46):
or staying stuck in guilt.
This is about graduating intoawareness with compassion.
A lot of us are really hard onourselves, like really, really
brutal when it comes to self.
Um, and now when I when I lookback and I just reflect for
myself, I'm like, how can I haveso much grace for other people
(24:10):
and not ounce on that same gracefor myself?
Um, but yeah, when you start tobecome aware, and with that
awareness, you you'll understandmore and you'll be able to move
more freely because you'llyou'll start to get it and it's
(24:31):
not gonna be easy.
You know, you know, talking tothat man in the mirror is never
easy, especially if you're beinghonest, but it's worth it.
So you can't control otherpeople's healing, but you can
stop projecting your pain ontothem.
(24:53):
You can recognize when yourpatterns are replying, and you
can choose differently.
You're not the problem, butyou're not innocent either, and
that awareness is your power.
And awareness is, you know, isgonna be our next badge.
(25:17):
Like we're we're we're gonnabecome, you know, more aware of
the things that we do.
Because in order to changesomething, in order to break the
cycle, you first have to beaware of what it is.
Because if you have noawareness, if you don't know
what's going on, you don't knowthe background, how can you
change it?
(25:38):
How do you know what to changeor what is even wrong?
So awareness is very, very,very, very, very important.
So, as always, is this episodehis home?
Tag me on Instagram atDDestinyC, or also on TikTok and
(25:59):
Facebook, and share your biggesttakeaway using the hashtag
unfiltered healing.
And remember, self-awarenessisn't punishment, it's the first
step towards freedom.
And what I want for every singleone of you is to be free, to
love who you are, and to lovewho you are freely.
(26:25):
I am wishing you guys nothingbut the best this upcoming week.
I pray that all your blessings,all the desires of your heart
are, you know, aligned with yourpurpose and that you get
whatever it is that you need tobe great.
(26:45):
As always, I appreciate each andevery last one of you.
And until next time, make sureyou keep up with your girl, and
I'll talk to you guys later.
SPEAKER_00 (27:03):
You've been losing sleep, crying in the dark, tryna
hold the weight of a brokenheart.
You smile for the world, butinside it's pain.
You pray, but feel likenothing's changed.
You tryna fix it, tryna staystrong, but some battles ain't
us to fight on.
(27:24):
You done all you can now here'sthe key.
Peace starts when you set itfree, that's what it is,
everyone has to find just a fullgets five It ain't wanna get one
(27:55):
gets no heads up in the clearhands, two hands on the other.
I didn't leave cause I stopped loving them.
I love cause I started lovingme.
And peace don't always coffee.
Sometimes it costs.
(00:26):
I used to try to keep the peace.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
Even playing on the Happy, happy Sunday.
Happy Sunday, folks, and welcometo another episode of Unfiltered
Destiny.
And I am your girl, DestinyDenise, and this week's episode
(01:45):
is real.
You know what I mean?
I'm not gonna give it a niceprologue or a preface, but this
episode is definitely real.
Um, the title of today's episodeis I'm not the problem, but I'm
not innocent either.
You know, sometimes we love topoint out everyone's else
(02:08):
toxicity, like, oh, that's thatperson's toxic, or that person
is gas, a gaslighter, amanipulator, whatever um the
cause may be.
We love to talk about how theydidn't communicate, how they
were manipulative, um, how theydid us dirty, you know, what
they did to us.
But what about the moments whenwe were the ones who pulled the
(02:31):
same moves?
Like, you know, just quieter, alittle bit sneakier, prettier,
um, more emotionally disguised.
So this episode, although veryraw and real, um, is not about
guilt or blame.
It's about emotional honesty.
(02:52):
Because the truth is, you know,you may not be the problem.
I may not be the problem, but Iknow for sure myself, I've
definitely been the problembefore.
So let me take a moment with youguys.
Um, there was a point in my lifewhere I thought like emotional
(03:17):
shutdown was just, it was, itwas maturity.
You know what I'm saying?
I told myself that by shuttingdown, I was protecting my peace,
my sanity.
But in reality, I was justavoiding accountability.
I was afraid of the reality.
Um, and I was just trying tofind a way out.
(03:41):
I didn't want to admit that Ihad built these walls um and
started calling them boundaries.
You know what I mean?
Because some people forget likea boundary and a wall is
different.
You know what I mean?
Like a wall keeps outeverything.
A boundary tells a person wherenot to go.
(04:01):
But you can still see, like youcan still communicate, you can
still um look over, or even, youknow, when it comes to maybe
adjusting boundaries or allowingsomebody to, you know, maybe
step into that boundary, um, isa whole lot easier than trying
to remove a wall.
(04:24):
Um, the realization didn't makeme a bad person.
And I think for me, you know,that was one of the things like
once I got to this point, I hadto realize that I'm human, you
know what I mean?
Um and just because I sat downin the mirror and I realized
(04:45):
what I was doing did not make meless human or a bad person or a
vicious person or a maliciousperson.
Um, it just made me human.
But it also opened something upin me.
You know what I mean?
Like even though peoplesometimes, if you look at um,
you know, TikTok reels,Instagram, social media in
(05:08):
general, they like to give youthe aesthetic reel, the
aesthetic 60 seconds of healing.
But um, when you're on thatjourney, that healing journey,
that journey to becoming her, itis ugly.
It's an ugly journey and it'sconstant.
And sometimes it's like you feeldisgusted with yourself, you
(05:31):
feel exposed, you're vulnerable,um, all of that.
So that's what that moment was.
It was a moment ofself-reflection where the
perception mirror um that I washolding up to myself grabbed.
It made me see that, you know,healing isn't escapism.
(05:54):
You know what I mean?
Healing isn't like escapingpeople or, you know, escaping
toxic people or people who drainyour energy, even though that
could be a part of it.
Um, it was also aboutconfronting the toxic patterns
that we keep beating.
You know, the saying that nobodydoes anything to you that you
(06:17):
don't allow.
The more and more that I goinside myself and I travel along
this healing journey and gothrough these emotions and these
steps, that statement, oh mygosh, never rings more truer.
Because nine times out of ten,if a person treats you a certain
(06:40):
way or they'll do certainthings, it doesn't take from the
fact that they may not be goodpeople, but you also gotta ask
yourself, like, how many timesdid I spend up on myself?
How many times did I accept themdisrespect and say, you know
what, that's just, you know, J Band J, or that's that's just how
they are, you know, whatever.
I don't pay them no attention.
(07:02):
Um, but in truthfully, it startsto chip away at you uh slowly
but surely.
So here's the thing yourpattern, the pattern, your
repetition of something that youdo, that's a pattern, is not
your personality.
It's your pain trying to protectyou.
(07:22):
So that was something that Ithink we all need to kind of
understand that just because youdo it over and over and over
again does not mean it's yourpersonality.
That's not just who you are.
It typically has some type of uhroot cause.
It's trying to protectsomething, it's trying to cover
(07:45):
up something, and typically isjust trying to protect you from
pain.
If you learn that being silentkeeps the peace, then that
becomes a pattern.
Excuse me, guys.
Silence, people like, oh, don'tmistake silence or you know,
weakness or anything like that.
(08:06):
But sometimes it's almost likeif you're having a conversation
with someone and you don'tagree, but you don't state that
you don't agree, you don't sayanything.
Sometimes that silence isacceptance.
And when you keep on doing itbecause you don't feel like
confronting this person, youdon't feel like going into a
drawn explanation on why they'reyou know your views are
(08:29):
different, it's a pattern.
It's something that you do everytime you find yourself in an
uncomfortable situation, youtend to just be silent and let
it let it rise.
Um if you grew up having to earnlove, your chase validation like
(08:52):
is oxygen.
Now thankfully, you know, um mychildhood, I didn't I wouldn't
say I had a childhood where Ihad to grow up trying to earn
love.
Um, but you know, I definitelycan relate to the chasing
(09:14):
validation in certain aspects umof life because when you were
younger, your younger years,your formative years, you may
not have people step up, step upfor you.
You know what I mean?
Maybe you were like a I don'tknow, super academic person who
always got straight A's, andevery time you had a award
(09:38):
ceremony, you noticed thatnobody was there clapping for
you.
You know what I'm saying?
So it caused you just to goharder and harder and harder in
school trying to seek validationfrom something or someone.
But those patterns aren't whoyou are.
You know what I mean?
(09:58):
Like, you don't want to besilent.
You wanna say something, youwant to be like, you know what?
I don't agree, or I think you'reout of line, or you know, you
don't want to take the highroad, you know what I mean, or
you don't want to be silent, oryou don't want to agree just for
(10:19):
agreeing's sake because youdon't feel like uh argument.
That's not who you are, that'sjust your pattern.
There's the Bible scriptswritten during a time when you
didn't have better tools.
So maybe like, you know, youjust notice that it is an
(10:44):
argument or going back andforth.
If you just be quiet, it kind ofblows over.
Or, you know, that person kindof just walks away, leaves you
alone, leaves you be, let yoube.
So that's the that's the script.
That's what you go to when youget tired of arguing, we don't
want to argue, you don't wantconversation, you just be
(11:07):
silent.
Now, is the issue resolved?
No.
Do you feel like crap?
Most likely.
But you told yourself you playedthis role so often that in order
to survive this chaos, I'm justgonna be quiet.
(11:28):
And that will eventually end it.
The grace comes in realizing youcan rewrite the script.
Like with me when it comes toarguments, now grantedly I have
been in a place of learning, youknow what I mean?
(11:51):
Because me, uh, it takes a lotto get me to a point now.
Now, before, like, fool, noteven a good five years ago.
If you took it there, I wasthere with you.
Like, and I'm not talking aboutmatching energy, I mean
overpowering it.
Mouth vicious.
Because that's just what it was.
(12:12):
That's how I survived.
Like, I I just attacked, youknow what I mean?
And I realized that I was doingit because that's just how it
was a survival instinct in me.
And, you know, it didn't, Ididn't care if they got loud,
I'm gonna get louder.
If you go low, I'm going tohell.
(12:33):
Like, I'm I'm right there withyou, you know what I mean?
Like, and did not care, did notapologize, even if I felt like
crap afterwards.
I don't care.
Because in that moment, I wasprotecting myself and I was in
survival mode, and that's all Iknew.
I didn't know how to communicateproperly.
(12:54):
I didn't know that you had tomatch, you you don't have to
match someone's tone in order toget your point across.
So, like I said, you just youcan rewrite the script.
You just gotta make sure thatyou get the tools to do so.
So ask yourself what do I keepdoing that no longer aligns with
(13:17):
who I want to become?
What do I keep doing?
What are those things that Ijust do all the time that do not
align with who I want to become?
(13:37):
You know, that question byitself can change your whole
trajectory of you know where itis that you see yourself, or you
know, what it is that you wantto be.
So you you could do it, you justhave to take the time.
(13:59):
And for me, I'm a pen and paperperson.
Maybe you guys aren't um maybelike a digital planner, or maybe
you're just a thinker and youdon't really like to write it
down.
You just like to be along withyour thoughts.
But I would recommend fiercelythat this is something that you
do pretty soon.
(14:20):
Because one, it'll just startbecoming another tool in your
toolbox of your healing jargon.
Because like I stated before,the journey is constant and is
not always is not always prettyand it doesn't come, you know,
in a 60-second reel.
(14:42):
Uh it is gonna it it gets messy,but the more tools that you have
while you're on this journey,the more that you equip
yourself, it it becomes a lotmore bearable.
So now let's jump intoprojections and the blame game.
(15:05):
Projections are sneaky littlemirrors.
You ever notice that how thethings that irritate you most
about other people are oftenthings that you struggle to
admit about yourself?
Think about it.
Like, just think, because I knowwe all have that one person or
that one thing that people dothat just ugh, it hurts your
(15:29):
everlasting soul.
But then after you look at that,turn the mirror onto yourself
and and see if it doesn't match,you know what I mean?
If it doesn't, if you don't seethat same thing within yourself
that you struggle to admit.
(15:49):
When I catch myself judgingsomeone's behavior too hard, I
stop and ask, is it me or is itthem?
You know what I mean?
Like, I really have come a longway.
Like, I was never a judgmentalperson, but sometimes things
irritate me.
Like, um, like a person's it canbe something that they're doing
(16:12):
that really isn't thatbothersome, but it just it just
irritated me.
It just irked me to no end.
And when I started this journeygoing to therapy and just, you
know, um peeling back the layersof just trauma and hurt and
miscommunication, I started toask, like, even when I started
(16:34):
doing it now, I'm like, and Iknew no, you know what I mean?
It's me.
It's it's it's me because I seemyself within that, within that
person or within that behaviorthat is triggering, you know
what I mean?
So you have to stop and askyourself, like, is it is it me
or is it really them?
You know what I mean?
Like, is it me or is it them?
(16:56):
So for instance, if youconstantly feel like people are
being fake, maybe it's becauseyou're not being fully authentic
with yourself.
You know, like I tell people allthe time, like, I I believe
people are who they think theyare at the moment.
Um, but yeah, and when I noticedthat, I used to be like, man,
(17:19):
she, that's not a they don't dothat all the time, like they
fade.
Like, that's a point.
But I also realized that whenI'm in certain places and I
shrink myself to better becomemore palatable to the audience
that I am, that yeah, it's justa point.
Every time I agree with adecision, just for the sake of
(17:41):
agreeing, when truthfully Idon't agree, you know what I
mean?
I have maybe 16 points on why Idon't agree.
And that's me not being myauthentic self.
That's me being fake.
And the reason why I could pointit out at other people is
because it was something that Iwas also doing that was uh
(18:04):
irritating me.
But because I didn't want to fixme, I could, you know, bring it
out or talk about others thatway.
Another example.
If you think everyone is tryingto control you, maybe you got
your own control issues showingup in, you know, in new clothes.
(18:28):
So maybe you're controlling,maybe you're one of those people
that wants to have everything acertain way, and you know, you
look at somebody else and you'relike, oh, you're trying to
control the way that I dress,the way that I speak.
But in truth, you know what Imean, you have your own issues
with letting go or letting otherpeople maybe just step in and
(18:48):
help you, and you're just seeingit in a different light through
a different person.
And facing that truth isn't itisn't cute, it isn't
aesthetically pleasing, but itis clarifying.
It's how you stop repeatingcycles and start building
awareness, and that to me, withjust within every single
(19:12):
community, uh, is key.
We have to stop repeating cyclesand start building awareness.
That's the only way that you'regonna move forward and move
forward in a positive, healthyway.
So understand this toxic traitsdo not make you a bad person.
(19:37):
Let's be honest.
We've all done toxic thingswhile trying to survive.
You might gaslight yourself bysaying it wasn't that bad, or
you know, I it was the wrongthing, but I did it for the
right reasons.
That used to be my thing.
It was, I know it was wrong, butI did it for the right reasons.
That's how I used to gaslightmyself.
(19:59):
Um, you might guilt trip someonebecause you're afraid of being
abandoned.
You might withdraw when thingsget real because emotional
safety feels foreign to you.
That last one, that's that wasall me.
Like, if I started to feel tooopen, like too vulnerable, too
(20:24):
emotionally available, then I'mgonna ghost you.
I'm gonna ghost the wholesituation.
I don't want to be around you, Idon't want to talk to you
because you've gotten too close.
And I have an innate, I had aninnate need.
And as I say have, because I'mstill working on it to protect
(20:46):
myself.
Like, I don't think thateverybody is out to get me, but
I haven't gotten fullycomfortable with the fact that
everybody is not out to get me.
But none of that makes you amonster.
Doesn't make you a bad guy, itmakes you someone learning a new
emotional language.
(21:07):
That's it.
Healing means holding space foryour shadow self.
The one who lashes out, avoidspeople please people pleases or
shuts down and saying, I seeyou, but I'm not living from you
anymore.
And the only way to destroy yourshadow is to step into the
(21:30):
light.
But also stepping into thelight, you know, it's bright,
it's blinding, it's new, youknow what I mean?
You see things differently.
So again, it's a process.
And do not beat yourself up ifyou're scrading between the
shadow and the light because weall been there.
(21:50):
Some of us stay there for a longtime.
But it'll get better becausethat's what grace looks like in
motion.
That's grace in motion, it'sfluid.
Anybody knows anything aboutmotion?
Motion isn't just forward orback.
Motion is forward, back, zigzag,side to side, in a circle.
(22:13):
You know what I mean?
Like it isn't something that canbe mapped out perfectly.
It's just what it is.
So when you realize your ownpatterns, you might feel a
little bit of shame, maybe someguilt creep in.
But shame doesn't changebehavior.
(22:35):
Awareness does.
So instead of beating yourselfup, try this affirmation.
I can hold myself accountableand still be kind to myself.
I'm not innocent, but I'mintentional about evolving.
I can hold myself accountableand still be kind to myself.
(22:59):
I'm not innocent, but I'mintentional about evolving.
Now, I'm gonna take a side sidestep right click and let's talk
about intentionality, beingintentional.
When you're on a healingjourney, when you're trying to
move forward and live your bestlife and live out your purpose,
you have to become intentional.
(23:23):
You know, learning to disciplineyourself isn't intentional.
It's intentional.
Everything that you do has tohave some type of intention
behind it in order for you tomotivate and not even motivate,
push yourself to keep going.
So this episode, you know, itisn't about being stuck in guilt
(23:46):
or staying stuck in guilt.
This is about graduating intoawareness with compassion.
A lot of us are really hard onourselves, like really, really
brutal when it comes to self.
Um, and now when I when I lookback and I just reflect for
myself, I'm like, how can I haveso much grace for other people
(24:10):
and not ounce on that same gracefor myself?
Um, but yeah, when you start tobecome aware, and with that
awareness, you you'll understandmore and you'll be able to move
more freely because you'llyou'll start to get it and it's
(24:31):
not gonna be easy.
You know, you know, talking tothat man in the mirror is never
easy, especially if you're beinghonest, but it's worth it.
So you can't control otherpeople's healing, but you can
stop projecting your pain ontothem.
(24:53):
You can recognize when yourpatterns are replying, and you
can choose differently.
You're not the problem, butyou're not innocent either, and
that awareness is your power.
And awareness is, you know, isgonna be our next badge.
(25:17):
Like we're we're we're gonnabecome, you know, more aware of
the things that we do.
Because in order to changesomething, in order to break the
cycle, you first have to beaware of what it is.
Because if you have noawareness, if you don't know
what's going on, you don't knowthe background, how can you
change it?
(25:38):
How do you know what to changeor what is even wrong?
So awareness is very, very,very, very, very important.
So, as always, is this episodehis home?
Tag me on Instagram atDDestinyC, or also on TikTok and
(25:59):
Facebook, and share your biggesttakeaway using the hashtag
unfiltered healing.
And remember, self-awarenessisn't punishment, it's the first
step towards freedom.
And what I want for every singleone of you is to be free, to
love who you are, and to lovewho you are freely.
(26:25):
I am wishing you guys nothingbut the best this upcoming week.
I pray that all your blessings,all the desires of your heart
are, you know, aligned with yourpurpose and that you get
whatever it is that you need tobe great.
(26:45):
As always, I appreciate each andevery last one of you.
And until next time, make sureyou keep up with your girl, and
I'll talk to you guys later.
SPEAKER_00 (27:03):
You've been losing sleep, crying in the dark, tryna
hold the weight of a brokenheart.
You smile for the world, butinside it's pain.
You pray, but feel likenothing's changed.
You tryna fix it, tryna staystrong, but some battles ain't
us to fight on.
(27:24):
You done all you can now here'sthe key.
Peace starts when you set itfree, that's what it is,
everyone has to find just a fullgets five It ain't wanna get one
(27:55):
gets no heads up in the clearhands, two hands on the other.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
The Brothers Ortiz
The Brothers Ortiz is the story of two brothers–both successful, but in very different ways. Gabe Ortiz becomes a third-highest ranking officer in all of Texas while his younger brother Larry climbs the ranks in Puro Tango Blast, a notorious Texas Prison gang. Gabe doesn’t know all the details of his brother’s nefarious dealings, and he’s made a point not to ask, to protect their relationship. But when Larry is murdered during a home invasion in a rented beach house, Gabe has no choice but to look into what happened that night. To solve Larry’s murder, Gabe, and the whole Ortiz family, must ask each other tough questions.