United States of Anxiety

You may have heard in one of my many Dad Talks that humanity has barely reached adolescence. Our human minds are still evolving. We simply aren’t fully developed yet, and we’re not mature enough to grow to the next level. We’re about at the maturity of a really smart six year-old dog. Shit, that dog is smarter than we are.

How do I know this? The main example I cite is our undying love affair with, well, killing each other. Why are ...

There’s a corrosive shift happening in our society. It’s in the halls of government, the boardrooms of corporations, the classrooms of our schools, and even in the way we interact with one another. It’s the slow, creeping death of accountability. The simple, foundational principle that actions have consequences, and that someone, somewhere, needs to take responsibility for them, is fading. The buck, it seems, stops nowhere.

Let's be honest, American sexuality is a goddamn dumpster fire. We’re all walking on eggshells, so terrified of being the next weirdo on the neighborhood watch Facebook page that we can’t even have a normal conversation. The other day, a teenage girl started chatting with me while I was walking my dog. She was just being friendly, and I was scared shitless. What would the neighbors think? An adult man talking to a kid? She started ...

Alright, buckle up fuckfaces, because I’m fixin’ to toss out a theological hand grenade: what if the freakin' crucifix, that sparkly bit of gold hanging around your grandma's neck and adorning every Catholic church known to humankind, is actually the goddamn Mark of the Beast?

Now, for anyone who's actually cracked open the dusty pages of Revelation, or even just skimmed the Wikipedia entry, this sounds about as likely as finding a ...

Alright, let's get this shit straight. You want to talk about the grand, holy crusade of the Republican party? The "pro-life" party? Give me a god damned break.

They are so incredibly, hypocritically "pro-life." But let's be real, the second that fetus takes its first breath, they don't give a flying fuck. Their concern has a nine-month expiration date.

What about the lives of the mothers and fathers, now saddled with a child they co...

You’ve heard the line a million times, probably from a high school history teacher trying to sound profound: “History is written by the victors.” Many love to attribute this zinger to Winston Churchill. Cute. Except, Churchill likely never said it. The sentiment is ancient, but this specific wording is a historical mess.

There are earlier versions, like a French one from 1842 that translates to, “History is right perhaps, but let us...

It feels like a slap in the face to all the amazing American actors out there who are struggling to find work.

I've got a bone to pick, and it's a biggun. You want to talk about the American obsession with anyone who isn't American? It's not a conspiracy theory; it's a fact. It's like casting agents have a secret bingo card, and the first square to fill is "Not a born and bred American."

My friend is an aspiring actress. She acted as...

Let's cut through the shit and get to the real story behind America's "engineering shortage." The problem isn't only that our education system is a complete fucking failure; it's that we've fine-tuned it to produce exactly the kind of workforce billionaires wanted. We've got a pipeline that’s less of a talent conduit and more of leaking fire hose.

The Glorified Daycare: Education by Standardized Test

Our K-12 system, the supposed bed...

Remember the 80s and 90s? If you’re reading or listening to this, prolly not. You’re prolly watching some shit on TikTok. We’re talking before your phone became a permanent, glowing appendage fused to your face. A time when the only thing "going viral" was a case of mono you and your homies got from sucking face with that nasty person behind the bleachers.

Looking back, it seems like people were, I don't know, functioning without th...

It was Tuesday. Or maybe Wednesday. Who fucking knows. Turns out in early retirement days blend together into a featureless blob of doomscrolling and questioning my life choices. In a fit of what I'll generously call "profound boredom," I decided to do something productive: hold a seance. My target was my old friend Danny.

A little background might be helpful. As a child, I was deathly afraid of the dark. I was terrified there were ...

Let me start with a clarification, though I doubt it’ll penetrate the target audience. When I try to articulate my deep frustration with our political hellscape, people say, "You just hate him," as if it’s a simple personality clash.

I’m old enough to remember the last real President. You know, the two-term guy before "45" and Biden. The constitutional lawyer who still promoted honor, promise, and hope. The man who allowed most of u...

I figure y’all could call me a modern-day Prometheus. Alright, settle in, because I’ve had my morning coffee and I’ve figured it all out.

All of it.

War, poverty, climate

change, that weird noise my car makes—the whole shebang. And the solution isn't some complex, multi-trillion-dollar, 75-point plan that requires international cooperation and nuance. Please. We don't have time for that.

The answer is simple. It glows. It's the atom, ...

Gotta be honest, one of the best perks of my job is a little thing I like to call "The Great Reversal." If you were one of us—a card-carrying member of the library lunch club, the locker maintenance group, or the AV squad—you know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about. And I, for one, am loving the view from the top,

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