June 13, 2025 • 34 mins
In this raw and vulnerable episode of Unrelated Sisters: Truth and Grace Conversation Podcast, Shannon and Deb hold space for a conversation that’s too often silenced in the church: depression, postpartum struggles, and suicide. After two attempts to record this story, today—despite a summer cold and spiritual resistance—is the day.
Deb courageously shares a deeply personal chapter of her journey through the darkest valleys of her life. Together, she and Shannon explore how faith and mental health coexist, how God sends people to walk with us through pain, and why the body of Christ must start having real conversations about emotional suffering.
This is a message of truth, grace, and hope. If you or someone you love is battling depression or suicidal thoughts, please call or text 988—a national, confidential lifeline offering 24/7 support. You are not alone. Jesus sees you, and so do we.
📩 Need prayer or want to share your story?
Connect with us on Facebook or email: unrelatedsisterspodcast@gmail.com
Rooted in truth. Covered in grace. Carried in faith.
We want this to be truly interactive podcast. Please go in the fan mail at
https://unrelatedsisterspodcast.buzzsprout.com and tell us your stories and let us know if it’s okay to share (no names). Let us know if you need prayer or how we can support you in your journey. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen. Follow us on Facebook @Unrelated Sister's: Truth & Grace Conversation Podcast or Email us at unrelatedsisterspodcast@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Dear Lord, I want to thank you for this day.
I want to thank you for themercy and the grace that you
show us every day.
Today's podcast Lord comes deep.
And we want to pray that youhelp Deb through this today.
We have been praying healingover her voice, Lord Jesus.
We've been praying healing overher sinus infection or the
(00:21):
summer cold that she's havingright now, Lord Jesus, so that
she can speak freely and clearlybecause we truly believe that
today's podcast is finally hereand ready to be spoken into the
world, Lord Jesus, and that itis going to find healing.
Our listeners are going to findhealing in this podcast today
And we are so thankful and sograteful for the opportunity to
(00:45):
do this, Lord Jesus.
We just praise your name today,Lord Jesus.
We praise you and we arethankful for you, Lord Jesus.
And we are thankful for thisopportunity.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
SPEAKER_00 (00:57):
Amen.
SPEAKER_01 (00:59):
Welcome back, ladies and gents, to Unrelated Sisters
Truth and Grace ConversationPodcast.
I'm Shannon, and I'm with a verycourageous co-host, Deb, today.
Today, Deb is going to shareabout a real dark time in her
life.
The thing is, this will be thethird time we try to record this
episode.
The first time, I forgot to hitrecord.
(01:21):
The second time, God had us on adifferent path.
All week, Deb has been fightinga summer cold.
Her voice has been in and outfor days, so please be patient
as we do this today.
I know today is the day becausePsalms 4211 was my verse of the
day.
Psalms 4211, why am Idiscouraged?
(01:43):
Why is my heart so sad?
I put hope in God.
I will praise him again, mySavior and my God.
So, Deb, whenever you're ready,the mic is all yours.
SPEAKER_00 (01:56):
Thank you, Shannon.
So, yeah, everybody bear with metoday.
I'm going to try to speak withthe boldness and confidence and
speak clearly.
I want to talk today about areally dark time in my past.
I think a lot of timesdepression is not talked about a
lot.
The women, mental health.
That kind of thing.
You're labeled if you aredepressed or you're going
(02:19):
through those seasons.
And so a lot of women don'tspeak up about it.
But I just want to share somethings that the Lord brought me
out of.
A few years ago, I was goingthrough a really, really dark
time.
It's when I was really inbondage through addiction.
And, you know, you think that...
And I'm going to speak on thisin a little bit, but...
(02:41):
You know, when I was out in sin,depression kind of comes with
it, you know what I mean, whenyou're living in sin.
But then when you get saved, youthink everything's just great.
But still, sometimes you gothrough those seasons of
discouragement.
And some people do fall into adeep depression.
But let me go back to my firststory.
(03:03):
When I was 20, I think I waslike 24, 25, I had attempted
suicide once.
Three or four times.
A couple of times it was forattention.
I was broken and I was cryingout for help, but I was doing it
the wrong way.
Even though my family was thereand they were trying to love on
(03:27):
me, they really didn't even knowhow to deal with me, but I was
just so broken.
I would just take a bunch ofpills, try to overdose or cut
myself.
Just crazy stuff to release thepain that I was feeling.
Well, this one day inparticular, I was going through
a really, really, really roughtime.
And I thought, well, this isjust it.
(03:49):
I was to the point in my life,and I was believing the lies of
the enemy, that my family wouldbe better off, that my kids
would be better off.
I just left the earth.
That God didn't have a plan forme.
And when you're in thosemoments, you really believe
those lies.
You couldn't tell me otherwise.
People could tell me in my facethat God has a plan for you.
You have a call on your life.
(04:10):
But none of that seemed real tome.
None of that even seemedobtainable to me.
The past few years before that,I felt like that had done too
much, that God didn't care aboutme, which I know is a lie.
This particular day, my dad wasbeing ordained as bishop.
It was almost like the enemyalways knew when to pull these
(04:34):
attacks.
I feel like this was not just anattack on me, but on my family
as well, because this was a big,huge moment for my dad.
He was really proud.
He had family coming in from allover.
The Church of God would comefrom Atlanta, and they were
going to ordain him as bishop.
He had worked really hard.
They get a phone call that Well,actually, I had wrote a note and
(04:57):
gave it to my daughter.
I think she was maybe five orsix at the time.
I said, don't give this to Nanaand Papa till after church
because I wanted to take allthese pills.
I was seeing a psychiatrist andI was on seven or eight
different medicines.
They had diagnosed me bipolar,all kinds of, you know, all
kinds of stuff.
And so I had just got mymedicines filled two or three
(05:18):
days prior and I took everythingthat I had.
All my medicine.
70 of them being Xanaxes.
And if anybody knows anythingabout benzos, you know,
sometimes people take two,three, four at a time and
overdose and die.
So I took 70 of those along withall my other mental health
medicines.
And so I give the note to mydaughter, pretty much a suicidal
(05:39):
note.
So she did what I said.
I gave it to them after church.
But by the time they got to me,I barely remember.
I was like in and out.
And so I remember the ambulancecoming to get me.
And then after that, I don'tremember nothing.
Until maybe the next day or two,my mom and dad, I woke up in
(05:59):
ICU.
I had tubes all running down mythroat and everything they have
you hooked up to.
I remember seeing my mom and dadat the end of the bed praying.
Literally, they had theircommunion.
taking communion at the end ofmy bed.
And my dad was praying andsaying, my daughter will live
(06:20):
and not die and declare theworks of the Lord.
And I always remember that.
He didn't even know that I, Iknow that the Holy Spirit
allowed me to wake up and seethat.
And I went right back into thecoma or whatever I was in.
And so I didn't even tell himuntil later what had happened,
of course.
And he confirmed, you know, Ididn't know if I was like
dreaming or like the Lord wasshowing me things, but it was
(06:42):
definitely true.
Because when he had went up tothe hospital, to see me that day
the lord told him to come armedand um so he on his way up there
he said lord you know i have acovenant with you and um i gave
my daughter you when she wasborn and we were in covenant
together and i'm not gonna letthe enemy have her and so they
begin to to pray and i thinkthat's so important that even
(07:05):
when you have family membersgoing through things that you
stand in the gap for them.
I really feel like my mom anddad's prayers helped pull me
through.
Not only because I do have acalling on my life, but at the
same time, I had people coveringme when I couldn't cover myself.
I didn't even feel worthy topray, Shannon.
(07:26):
I didn't even feel worthy tostep into a church.
I really didn't because I alwaysfelt like that.
Even if I would go, the Duringthose times, the Spirit would be
convicting me and I would go.
I always felt like I was beingjudged or that people were
talking about me.
I
SPEAKER_01 (07:43):
always felt like God was going to strike me dead if I
stepped inside a church when Iwas in that time of my life,
too.
I understand that 100%.
He's going to strike me dead.
I'm going to fall dead.
I've talked about gripping theback of the chair so much that
my fingerprints would be left inthe chair in front of me.
(08:04):
I understand that conviction.
SPEAKER_00 (08:05):
Yeah.
And so I'm going to be realhonest.
There was lots of times I wouldbe high, but I would feel
convicted.
And I would go to church high,or my girls would ask me to go.
And looking back now, because Iwould be like, this is horrible.
You know what I mean?
But, you know, the Bible saysthat the church is a hospital.
(08:26):
It's for the sick.
I was sick.
It's not for the people thathave it together.
So I feel like that when peoplecome into the church, and so if
they are high, so if they are...
drunk or whatever the case maybe, at least they're there.
You know what I mean?
And so even though that I mightnot have been in my right mind
and I was not living right, thechurch is always open for that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
But isn't that planting the seed?
It is.
It is.
I mean, if you walk
SPEAKER_00 (08:56):
in the building, you have to hear the presence.
SPEAKER_01 (08:58):
You have to hear something you wouldn't have
heard if you hadn't walked in.
You have to feel
SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
That conviction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:06):
Right.
And you can't come out ofaddiction until you feel that
SPEAKER_00 (09:10):
conviction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:10):
Yeah.
Like you can't find your way outuntil you start feeling that
conviction.
SPEAKER_00 (09:14):
And there would be a lot of times that I would cry or
I would go to the altar and Iwould want to surrender and go
and get right back home.
And go right back to doing thesame thing because I was so
bound.
I wanted to be free, but Ididn't know how to get free.
And so I just lived in thisvicious cycle of depression and
suicide.
And not only was I going throughit, then my kids, I had two
(09:36):
girls that suffered, tried tocommit suicide or tried to
self-harm.
And so they had to go to places.
So we think a lot of times thatthe things that we're going
through, oh, it's only affectingus.
No, there was so much stuff thatI was passing down to my kids
that now that I'm moreknowledgeable, I can, you know,
we're coming against thosegenerational curses so it don't
(09:57):
pass into my grandkids.
But I would think, oh, I'm just,I'm not hurting them.
They're took care of.
They're with my parents.
But in reality, they were goingthrough depression and suffering
things because of the way I wasacting.
And they even said that.
They're like, they told thepsychiatrist one day, why would
you, they said, why did you dothis?
Because my mom's locked upagain.
So we think, well,
SPEAKER_01 (10:21):
It's okay.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay.
This is healing for you, notjust for our audience.
And I get exactly where you'reat because, you know, me and my
son, we talk about it now.
And, you know, he's 21 and he'sbeen talking about, you know,
finding that person or findinghis faith.
And he's struggled with faithand his struggle with faith.
(10:45):
He only learned it from me,right?
When he was young and when Ishould have been developing him
and when I should have beenleading him to God, I was
struggling, right?
And so he learned to strugglewith his faith, with his
emotions from me, right?
Because we teach, you know, theyfollow what we teach them.
(11:06):
They follow what they see.
And so we may not have been ableto break those generational
curses then, but we can do
SPEAKER_00 (11:14):
it now.
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
You know, we can walk in that faith now.
We can walk in that path now,and it's okay.
SPEAKER_02 (11:20):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
You know, it's okay.
We know we're broken.
God knows we're broken, right?
And it's okay to be broken.
And just watching you today beso vulnerable, it's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (11:33):
Yeah.
And I think, too, that—and Ijust want to say that God has
fully restored my relationshipwith my kids and, you know, and
healed them from those— Youknow, like, we're very
transparent with each other.
And so, you know, we're able totalk about these things now.
And, of course, it's still, youknow, when you think about it,
like, wow, you know, you putyour kids through a lot.
But
SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
that's the enemy.
That's the enemy.
SPEAKER_00 (11:57):
I'm so faithful, though, to bring it back around.
And I'm so grateful, like,because some people don't get
that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:02):
Right.
Right.
You know, they choose not tolisten.
Yeah.
They choose not to, you know,and it is a choice.
It is a choice.
yes, drugs are an addiction, andyes, it's, you know, you hit
rock bottom, right?
Ben Puller's song says, youknow, there's a thousand ways to
rock bottom, but there's onlyone way out.
(12:24):
And you have to find that oneway out.
And, you know, in NA, they talkabout the higher powers, right?
And you can't do it for yourkids.
You can't do it for your mom oryour dad, or you have to do it
for yourself or for God.
You know, and...
And you have to find your way.
And me and my son are on a goodpath now.
(12:46):
And we haven't been in the past.
And I'm very transparent.
I'm very transparent about myaddiction.
I'm very transparent about hisfather's addiction and why we
were together.
I'm very transparent about whyhis dad isn't around.
And that's been very hard forus, for him.
in lots of ways.
(13:08):
But we talk about it freely.
And I feel like to be able totalk about it freely with our
children is what is going tobreak those generational curses
that has come.
Even though your parents didn'thave addiction.
I had one in addiction and onenot in addiction.
Both your parents wereGod-fearing, God-loving people
(13:31):
their whole lives.
Or as long as I've known
SPEAKER_02 (13:33):
them.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
And When you talk about addiction or when you talk
about depression, I've not everbeen suicidal that I know of,
that I can think about.
There's some years in my lifeI'm not real sure about.
where I was at or where I camefrom or how I got to here, you
know, but I don't remember everbeing suicidal, but I do, I do
(13:58):
know that when my son was born,I was dealing with a lot of
emotions.
Um, I was six months pregnant,uh, before I knew I was
pregnant.
I was doing an eight ball a dayby myself.
Um, I was also sharing an eightball a day with people, you
know, um, I had the best, uh,drug supplier in north georgia
(14:20):
and i had the cleanest ifthere's such a thing drugs in
georgia in north georgia um anduh you know i was getting high
every day and i went and iworked a full-time job i worked
40 hours a week i was afunctional drug addict
SPEAKER_00 (14:37):
yeah
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
if there's such a thing
SPEAKER_00 (14:39):
i was not functional
SPEAKER_01 (14:42):
if there was such a thing
SPEAKER_00 (14:43):
right
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
um Now that I look back on it, it makes me laugh,
right?
But I was six months pregnant,went to work one day, and the
assistant, my assistant thatworked under me, she goes, I
said, Oh my God, what are youwearing?
And she's like, what are youtalking about?
And she was eight monthspregnant.
She was already pregnant.
So she wasn't wearing perfume.
(15:04):
She wasn't wearing, she had towear unscented deodorant.
Like everything made her sick atthe time.
Right.
And I was like, Oh my God, whatare you wearing?
And she's like, what do youmean?
And I got sick and I ran to thebathroom and I was sick and I
just got high that morning.
Like, you know, I've been up forthree hours smoking bowls, you
know, getting high before I cometo work.
And, um, And she's like, I'm notwearing nothing.
(15:25):
She's like, you're pregnant.
And I was like, no, I'm not.
I can't get pregnant.
Right?
Like at 19, I was told I'd neverhave a kid.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
You know, so she's like, yeah, you are.
And I was like, you're crazy.
She's like, I'll prove it toyou.
So she runs down because I'mworking in the mall.
She runs down to the CVS.
She does a pregnancy test.
And she comes back and I go inthe bathroom and I take it.
30 seconds.
It come back positive.
I sent her back down there.
I had about eight tests before Iwould even consider being
(15:56):
pregnant.
And I'm talking about, I'd peeon the stick, eight seconds.
Less than 30 seconds, it wasabout costed.
I cried and I cried.
Like I couldn't even come out ofthe
SPEAKER_00 (16:07):
bathroom.
SPEAKER_01 (16:08):
And so I left work that day and I went home and I
told my baby's daddy that I waspregnant.
And he got mad and he threw somethings and he yelled and he
screamed and he cussed and heleft.
I crawled in the bed and I laidin the bed for three days and I
cried and I prayed to God forthree days.
(16:30):
And I hadn't talked to God sinceI was 13.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:33):
You know, I hadn't openly spoke to God since I was
13.
And I prayed and I cried forthree days.
And I got up on that fourth dayand I went to the doctor and I
walked into the OBGYN.
And the doctor must have thoughtI was insane.
Because not only did I tell himwhat kind of drugs I was doing
(16:54):
now, I told him every drug Iever done in my life.
Right.
And I started getting high at15.
You know, I started drinking at15, and then, you know, I
started doing drugs at 16, and Istarted doing real drugs, you
know, at 17 when I graduatedhigh school, and I told him
everything I'd ever done.
You know, I told him the acidand the ecstasy and the, you
(17:16):
know, the...
Molly's and all the, just thedifferent things I've ever done,
you know, and he was like, okay,he's like, well, let's, you
know, he's like, let's do this.
Let's run this.
Let's do this.
And he made me a high riskpregnancy.
Um, I quit my job, uh, cause Iknew I had to get clean and I
knew I had to do, you know, Ihad to do some things.
(17:37):
Uh, and I honestly believe thiswith all my heart that God said,
God, give me a baby.
when he gave it to me because ithink they're going to end up
dead or in prison
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
yeah
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
and uh and he knew the only thing i was chasing was
something to love me like iloved it right um something i i
was going to love this babyunconditionally and i was and it
was going to love me backunconditionally and i truly
believe that in my heart andthat's all i'd ever chased right
i learned my i wanted my daddy'slove to not have conditions I
(18:16):
always felt like it hadconditions.
When I was little, I had to beperfect.
When I was in school, I had tomake good grades.
I always felt like it wasconditional.
But our Father in Heaven is notconditional.
Fast forward, I had a greatpregnancy the rest of the time.
(18:41):
I caught the flu in December.
And I had the flu the entiretime until he was born.
The day he was born, I wasfinally cured of the flu.
Only time I've ever had the flu.
And I think it was getting ridof the toxins in his body is why
I had the flu.
Because I stayed sick.
I threw up a lot.
(19:01):
And he was born perfectlyhealthy.
He was born with...
He doesn't have ADHD.
He doesn't have all the thingsthat usually come with drug
addiction.
With a baby, he was born...
He was, you know, of weight.
He weighed 7'2".
He was 21 inches long.
He was born completely healthy.
He's not had any learningdisabilities.
(19:23):
He's not had, he didn't have anystunt growth.
He didn't have any of the thingsthat normally come with
addiction, right?
And I'm so grateful to this day.
But fast forward six weeks in, Igo back for my checkup and the
doctor's asking me all thesequestions and I'm, got on the
mask everything's perfecteverything's
SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
fine
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
everything's fine and in all honesty I was I was
going through postpartum and Ididn't understand it right but I
needed to go back to workbecause in that six weeks the
baby's daddy didn't want to getclean he didn't want to stop
doing drugs and so he would cometo the house to see to see Dylan
(20:05):
and he would pass out on thecouch where he'd been up three
or four days and so he wasn'tactually visiting with Dylan it
was a place to be
SPEAKER_02 (20:12):
safe
SPEAKER_01 (20:13):
a place to be safe because he knew I wouldn't let
anybody mess with him or botherhim at the time and one day when
Dylan was three months old Ilooked at him and I said this
isn't how this is going to be Isaid because in six months he's
going to realize that you'reonly around when you want to be
And in a year, it's going tobreak his heart.
And in two years, it's going tomess him up, and we're not going
(20:35):
to do this, right?
So you need to make a choice.
You get clean.
You find a stable place to live.
What you do when he's not aroundis your business, but when he's
there, you're sober.
You're going to see him on aregular basis.
You're going to be a dad to him.
You're going to take him tobaseball games.
You're going to do these things.
And if you choose not to dothat, when you walk out that
(20:56):
door, If you choose not to evercome back, if you choose not to
ever call again, I will nevercome after you, right?
You know, you will make a choiceand I will make one too.
So he walked out and we hadn'tseen or heard from him.
And I've never chased him forchild support.
I've never asked him for helpfor any part of Dylan's life.
(21:18):
And I'm okay with that.
I've always talked with Dylanabout it.
You know, and when he turned 18,I told him if he wanted to find
him, that I would help him findhim.
and anytime as as as he getsolder if he chooses to do that
that's his choice yeah um butgoing back to the three months
uh in the six weeks and thepostpartum because i was in
(21:42):
postpartum dylan didn't get thenurturing that babies get yeah
in the first six months of theirlife he was fed his diaper was
changed he was bathed he waswell physically taken care of
but emotionally he was not Notwith me.
Right?
Thank God that I had moved backhome and my mama was there.
(22:05):
And that emotional bondage wasthere.
The two of them have it.
Right?
And like I've said in the pastand on several, I thank God that
he has that with her.
Right?
And we will never have thatemotional bond.
And I'm okay with that.
Yeah.
(22:25):
You know, and it's hard.
But postpartum is real.
And I had to go and find, Ifinally went to a doctor, to a
psychiatrist or counselor, and Iwas diagnosed with PTSD because
when I go through trauma or gothrough a tragedy, I choose to
(22:48):
pretend like it doesn't happen.
And I don't deal with it.
At the time, I don't deal withgrief.
I don't deal with trauma.
I don't deal with anything badin my life.
I choose to pretend like itdidn't happen.
But you can't do that.
Because when you do that, itcomes back and bites you in the
butt later.
(23:08):
And I take medicine for that.
I have been taking medicine forthat for 20 years.
And I'm okay with that.
When I first started, I wasashamed that I couldn't When I
found my faith, I stopped takingmy medicine, right?
And I was like, I'm giving it toGod, right?
(23:29):
God's going to help me throughthis and blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
And one day I'm having a mentalbreakdown.
I am having a panic attack in mycar.
so bad that I have to pull overon the side of the road going
down 75 because I can't.
I just can't.
I can't function.
(23:49):
My body can't function.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I am in full-fledged panicattack for no reason.
And in that moment, sitting onthe side of 75, God says, I give
you professionals to help you.
Don't be ashamed.
And I was like, what?
(24:09):
What?
So then I was like, I don'tunderstand.
It says in the Bible to give itto God.
It says in the Bible to justgive it to Him.
Well, I'm giving it to Him, butthere's just things in life that
you have to have help with.
And God gives us to find aprofessional that believes the
(24:31):
same rules that you believe andfollow with them.
Let them pray over you.
Let them talk to you.
It's okay.
UNKNOWN (24:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (24:39):
I'm grateful today that I don't have to take
medicine anymore.
They said I always would.
But if you'd like, you're sayingif you do, my dad talks on this
all the time.
He's like, God, give us doctors.
Like if my dad, if he gets asymptom, of course he prays, but
he also uses wisdom and he'll goto the doctor and go ahead and
get him just like Monday.
I was like, you know what?
(24:59):
I've had this for three days.
I'm going to go get me a steroidshot.
That's what they're for.
That's what the doctors are for.
You know what I mean?
I can speak healing and the Lordcan heal us, but he also gives
us wisdom to Use medical.
Use doctors.
You know what I mean?
So it's okay.
Like you said, don't be ashamed.
And reach out for help.
That's the biggest thing istrying to mask.
Don't mask it.
(25:20):
It's okay.
Like if you're going throughthings, even after I gave my
life back to God four years ago,I went through things, and we
talked about this last episode.
I was in a really hard season,and I could have really fell
into some depression.
I was right on the fence.
I'm not even going to lie.
I was smiling at work, smilingat everybody, at their face,
(25:41):
smiling at church, here,wherever.
But at home, it was not thesame.
I really had to make a decisionto...
Either you're going to change itor I'm going to leave or, you
know what I mean?
So I'm so thankful that Godintervened and that I didn't
(26:04):
listen to the lies of the enemy.
That tells me that that was,because there was, oh, so many
times the enemy would say, it'snot going to work.
This is not, this is not what,this is not your portion.
This is not where you'resupposed to be.
And so, and then I would sit andthink about it.
What is it?
Is it?
(26:25):
You know what I mean?
For a second, you're like, andthen I want to go back.
But God, I know what you said.
I know what you spoke to me.
I know I heard your voicetelling me that, what it's
supposed to look like.
But I think a lot of times whenwe're not seeing things the way,
when God gives us a word orgives us, sometimes it's not for
that moment.
And you have to, and when you'regoing through the middle, the
(26:46):
middle is always so ugly.
I've never met a person that haswent through something, you
know, God give them a word aboutsomething and then, And they had
to wait a while to get to that.
They'll always tell you thatthat middle part between there
was not lovely.
It was painful.
I wanted to punch the wallsometimes and be like, God,
(27:08):
where are you?
It's very discouraging.
But God brought me out.
And I'm so thankful that theselast two weeks that my house has
been...
My house is just so peaceful.
And I'm so grateful that Ididn't listen to the voice of
the enemy that told me to leaveand to give up.
And, you know, sometimes ittakes being around friends.
(27:29):
I'm so grateful for Shannon.
I'm so grateful for the prayerwarriors that I had that will
speak life into me.
Because sometimes when you'rediscouraged and you can't
encourage yourself, you know,David got into a spot where he's
just like, you know what, I haveto encourage myself.
And that's good.
But sometimes you're just in aspot where...
You don't even feel worthy toencourage yourself.
You thought, there's so muchchaos going on right now.
(27:51):
Lord, you're going to have tosend me somebody.
And I'm so grateful that Hesends people into our life that
will push us and to encourageus.
And when we feel inadequate, wefeel like, I'm not even worthy
to do this podcast.
Lord, do you even know what, doyou see what's going on in my
house right now?
SPEAKER_01 (28:08):
You know, and that's funny, right?
That's so, so funny because whenwe went to that women's
conference, the devil,
SPEAKER_02 (28:15):
the
SPEAKER_01 (28:17):
time of life that you were in, it's like he just
kept slapping you in the face,right?
I mean, and we've talked aboutthis in past podcasts, you know,
and God wouldn't let it go.
Like, he's like, she's going.
Like, she's got to go.
She's got to go.
She's got to go.
She's got to go.
And I'm not usually one tochase.
(28:37):
Right.
That's just not who I am.
Usually I ask you if you tell meno, then I let it go and I move
on to the next person, you know,because I'm going.
I want to go.
I'm going.
Right.
And the same thing with concertsor anything that I choose to do.
And, you know, and But God justwouldn't let it go.
Like, I'd text you, you know,and you would, you know, some
(28:59):
excuse or something was going onor whatever, you know, and so
I'd move on.
And a couple weeks later, you'dbe there again.
And I'm like, okay.
So I'd text you again, you know,and not knowing what's going on,
you know, at the time yourfather-in-law was sick.
But your house was alreadyfalling apart then.
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
Well, we had three deaths since January.
We had three deaths back to backto back.
My ex-husband died, which is thefather of my oldest three girls.
That was in January.
Or maybe Leslie died first.
Kevin's sister died January23rd.
And then my ex-husband died.
And then in March the 3rd, myfather-in-law died.
(29:42):
So even in a month.
two months period, we lost threepeople in the family, just like
that.
And so on top of all that, theenemy was trying to do a word.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:55):
Attacking your house.
And, uh, you know, we go to thatconference and, and God is so
vivid, right?
He is so present and he isthere.
And, you know, he's, he'swhispering to you.
He's whispering to me.
It's just all over the place,you know, and we started this
podcast, right?
And every week God tells us whatto talk about every week, you
(30:18):
know, Monday, I'm sending you,this is what we're going to talk
about, you know, I'm usually offon Sundays, so I spend time in
this room praying and justlistening to God and all that.
We talked about this last week,and last week, nothing.
It was just silence.
(30:39):
And it's because it was time forit to come out, right?
It was time for us to be honest.
It was time for you to tell yourstory.
And I think that's why the wholedepression thing, we had to tell
the first story first.
Yeah.
Right?
We had to tell the season wewere in.
And it amazes me.
Like, it just, I have coldchills today.
(31:02):
Yeah.
You know, it just amazes me atwhere we're at as far as where
this podcast is headed, whereour lives are headed with God
and with our faith, you know.
There's so much more to come,and I'm so excited that y'all
have chosen to do this journeywith us.
SPEAKER_00 (31:19):
And I just want to, I'm excited too.
And I'm so thankful that youpushed me.
And you need to find you somefriends that will push you, that
will go to war with you.
And I'm so grateful for you.
And I just want to encourage youthat, you know, that you can
come out of whatever you'regoing through right now.
You can come out of it.
God's faithful.
And if you can just rememberthat no feeling is final.
You think that when you're inthat moment and you're
(31:40):
discouraged and you're depressedand you feel like nobody cares,
God cares.
Yes, He does.
When everything feels dark,there's always light, and it
will shine again.
God sees you.
He's not forgotten you.
Psalms 34, 18 says, The Lord isclose to the brokenhearted and
saved those who are crushed inspirit.
That means right now, in yourdarkest moment, He's right there
(32:01):
near you.
SPEAKER_01 (32:03):
Yes,
SPEAKER_00 (32:03):
He is.
And call on Him.
The Lord bring me out.
It says that pain will pass,healing is possible, and your
story isn't over.
There's more life to live, morejoy to find, and more beauty
ahead.
SPEAKER_01 (32:13):
Yes, there is.
So depression and suicide isreal, and we as Christians don't
talk about it enough.
Yes, give it to Jesus, butdidn't Jesus give us
compassionate people with thetraining to help us?
Jesus puts people in our paths,in our hearts, when we need help
the most.
(32:34):
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Today, right now in this moment,please pick up your phone and
(32:57):
text or call 988.
Lifeline is a hotline withpeople to help.
It's a national hotline, so nomatter where you are in the
United States, you can dial 988or text it and a professional
will contact you.
If you need prayer, pleasemessage us on our Facebook page,
Unrelated Sisters Truth andGrace Conversation Podcast, or
(33:20):
email us atunrelatedsisterspodcast at
gmail.com.
Remember, you are not alone.
Rooted in truth, covered ingrace, and carried in faith.
Until next time, we love
SPEAKER_00 (33:35):
you.
We love y'all.
Dear Lord, I want to thank you for this day.
I want to thank you for themercy and the grace that you
show us every day.
Today's podcast Lord comes deep.
And we want to pray that youhelp Deb through this today.
We have been praying healingover her voice, Lord Jesus.
We've been praying healing overher sinus infection or the
(00:21):
summer cold that she's havingright now, Lord Jesus, so that
she can speak freely and clearlybecause we truly believe that
today's podcast is finally hereand ready to be spoken into the
world, Lord Jesus, and that itis going to find healing.
Our listeners are going to findhealing in this podcast today
And we are so thankful and sograteful for the opportunity to
(00:45):
do this, Lord Jesus.
We just praise your name today,Lord Jesus.
We praise you and we arethankful for you, Lord Jesus.
And we are thankful for thisopportunity.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
SPEAKER_00 (00:57):
Amen.
SPEAKER_01 (00:59):
Welcome back, ladies and gents, to Unrelated Sisters
Truth and Grace ConversationPodcast.
I'm Shannon, and I'm with a verycourageous co-host, Deb, today.
Today, Deb is going to shareabout a real dark time in her
life.
The thing is, this will be thethird time we try to record this
episode.
The first time, I forgot to hitrecord.
(01:21):
The second time, God had us on adifferent path.
All week, Deb has been fightinga summer cold.
Her voice has been in and outfor days, so please be patient
as we do this today.
I know today is the day becausePsalms 4211 was my verse of the
day.
Psalms 4211, why am Idiscouraged?
(01:43):
Why is my heart so sad?
I put hope in God.
I will praise him again, mySavior and my God.
So, Deb, whenever you're ready,the mic is all yours.
SPEAKER_00 (01:56):
Thank you, Shannon.
So, yeah, everybody bear with metoday.
I'm going to try to speak withthe boldness and confidence and
speak clearly.
I want to talk today about areally dark time in my past.
I think a lot of timesdepression is not talked about a
lot.
The women, mental health.
That kind of thing.
You're labeled if you aredepressed or you're going
(02:19):
through those seasons.
And so a lot of women don'tspeak up about it.
But I just want to share somethings that the Lord brought me
out of.
A few years ago, I was goingthrough a really, really dark
time.
It's when I was really inbondage through addiction.
And, you know, you think that...
And I'm going to speak on thisin a little bit, but...
(02:41):
You know, when I was out in sin,depression kind of comes with
it, you know what I mean, whenyou're living in sin.
But then when you get saved, youthink everything's just great.
But still, sometimes you gothrough those seasons of
discouragement.
And some people do fall into adeep depression.
But let me go back to my firststory.
(03:03):
When I was 20, I think I waslike 24, 25, I had attempted
suicide once.
Three or four times.
A couple of times it was forattention.
I was broken and I was cryingout for help, but I was doing it
the wrong way.
Even though my family was thereand they were trying to love on
(03:27):
me, they really didn't even knowhow to deal with me, but I was
just so broken.
I would just take a bunch ofpills, try to overdose or cut
myself.
Just crazy stuff to release thepain that I was feeling.
Well, this one day inparticular, I was going through
a really, really, really roughtime.
And I thought, well, this isjust it.
(03:49):
I was to the point in my life,and I was believing the lies of
the enemy, that my family wouldbe better off, that my kids
would be better off.
I just left the earth.
That God didn't have a plan forme.
And when you're in thosemoments, you really believe
those lies.
You couldn't tell me otherwise.
People could tell me in my facethat God has a plan for you.
You have a call on your life.
(04:10):
But none of that seemed real tome.
None of that even seemedobtainable to me.
The past few years before that,I felt like that had done too
much, that God didn't care aboutme, which I know is a lie.
This particular day, my dad wasbeing ordained as bishop.
It was almost like the enemyalways knew when to pull these
(04:34):
attacks.
I feel like this was not just anattack on me, but on my family
as well, because this was a big,huge moment for my dad.
He was really proud.
He had family coming in from allover.
The Church of God would comefrom Atlanta, and they were
going to ordain him as bishop.
He had worked really hard.
They get a phone call that Well,actually, I had wrote a note and
(04:57):
gave it to my daughter.
I think she was maybe five orsix at the time.
I said, don't give this to Nanaand Papa till after church
because I wanted to take allthese pills.
I was seeing a psychiatrist andI was on seven or eight
different medicines.
They had diagnosed me bipolar,all kinds of, you know, all
kinds of stuff.
And so I had just got mymedicines filled two or three
(05:18):
days prior and I took everythingthat I had.
All my medicine.
70 of them being Xanaxes.
And if anybody knows anythingabout benzos, you know,
sometimes people take two,three, four at a time and
overdose and die.
So I took 70 of those along withall my other mental health
medicines.
And so I give the note to mydaughter, pretty much a suicidal
(05:39):
note.
So she did what I said.
I gave it to them after church.
But by the time they got to me,I barely remember.
I was like in and out.
And so I remember the ambulancecoming to get me.
And then after that, I don'tremember nothing.
Until maybe the next day or two,my mom and dad, I woke up in
(05:59):
ICU.
I had tubes all running down mythroat and everything they have
you hooked up to.
I remember seeing my mom and dadat the end of the bed praying.
Literally, they had theircommunion.
taking communion at the end ofmy bed.
And my dad was praying andsaying, my daughter will live
(06:20):
and not die and declare theworks of the Lord.
And I always remember that.
He didn't even know that I, Iknow that the Holy Spirit
allowed me to wake up and seethat.
And I went right back into thecoma or whatever I was in.
And so I didn't even tell himuntil later what had happened,
of course.
And he confirmed, you know, Ididn't know if I was like
dreaming or like the Lord wasshowing me things, but it was
(06:42):
definitely true.
Because when he had went up tothe hospital, to see me that day
the lord told him to come armedand um so he on his way up there
he said lord you know i have acovenant with you and um i gave
my daughter you when she wasborn and we were in covenant
together and i'm not gonna letthe enemy have her and so they
begin to to pray and i thinkthat's so important that even
(07:05):
when you have family membersgoing through things that you
stand in the gap for them.
I really feel like my mom anddad's prayers helped pull me
through.
Not only because I do have acalling on my life, but at the
same time, I had people coveringme when I couldn't cover myself.
I didn't even feel worthy topray, Shannon.
(07:26):
I didn't even feel worthy tostep into a church.
I really didn't because I alwaysfelt like that.
Even if I would go, the Duringthose times, the Spirit would be
convicting me and I would go.
I always felt like I was beingjudged or that people were
talking about me.
I
SPEAKER_01 (07:43):
always felt like God was going to strike me dead if I
stepped inside a church when Iwas in that time of my life,
too.
I understand that 100%.
He's going to strike me dead.
I'm going to fall dead.
I've talked about gripping theback of the chair so much that
my fingerprints would be left inthe chair in front of me.
(08:04):
I understand that conviction.
SPEAKER_00 (08:05):
Yeah.
And so I'm going to be realhonest.
There was lots of times I wouldbe high, but I would feel
convicted.
And I would go to church high,or my girls would ask me to go.
And looking back now, because Iwould be like, this is horrible.
You know what I mean?
But, you know, the Bible saysthat the church is a hospital.
(08:26):
It's for the sick.
I was sick.
It's not for the people thathave it together.
So I feel like that when peoplecome into the church, and so if
they are high, so if they are...
drunk or whatever the case maybe, at least they're there.
You know what I mean?
And so even though that I mightnot have been in my right mind
and I was not living right, thechurch is always open for that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
But isn't that planting the seed?
It is.
It is.
I mean, if you walk
SPEAKER_00 (08:56):
in the building, you have to hear the presence.
SPEAKER_01 (08:58):
You have to hear something you wouldn't have
heard if you hadn't walked in.
You have to feel
SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
That conviction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:06):
Right.
And you can't come out ofaddiction until you feel that
SPEAKER_00 (09:10):
conviction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:10):
Yeah.
Like you can't find your way outuntil you start feeling that
conviction.
SPEAKER_00 (09:14):
And there would be a lot of times that I would cry or
I would go to the altar and Iwould want to surrender and go
and get right back home.
And go right back to doing thesame thing because I was so
bound.
I wanted to be free, but Ididn't know how to get free.
And so I just lived in thisvicious cycle of depression and
suicide.
And not only was I going throughit, then my kids, I had two
(09:36):
girls that suffered, tried tocommit suicide or tried to
self-harm.
And so they had to go to places.
So we think a lot of times thatthe things that we're going
through, oh, it's only affectingus.
No, there was so much stuff thatI was passing down to my kids
that now that I'm moreknowledgeable, I can, you know,
we're coming against thosegenerational curses so it don't
(09:57):
pass into my grandkids.
But I would think, oh, I'm just,I'm not hurting them.
They're took care of.
They're with my parents.
But in reality, they were goingthrough depression and suffering
things because of the way I wasacting.
And they even said that.
They're like, they told thepsychiatrist one day, why would
you, they said, why did you dothis?
Because my mom's locked upagain.
So we think, well,
SPEAKER_01 (10:21):
It's okay.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay.
This is healing for you, notjust for our audience.
And I get exactly where you'reat because, you know, me and my
son, we talk about it now.
And, you know, he's 21 and he'sbeen talking about, you know,
finding that person or findinghis faith.
And he's struggled with faithand his struggle with faith.
(10:45):
He only learned it from me,right?
When he was young and when Ishould have been developing him
and when I should have beenleading him to God, I was
struggling, right?
And so he learned to strugglewith his faith, with his
emotions from me, right?
Because we teach, you know, theyfollow what we teach them.
(11:06):
They follow what they see.
And so we may not have been ableto break those generational
curses then, but we can do
SPEAKER_00 (11:14):
it now.
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
You know, we can walk in that faith now.
We can walk in that path now,and it's okay.
SPEAKER_02 (11:20):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
You know, it's okay.
We know we're broken.
God knows we're broken, right?
And it's okay to be broken.
And just watching you today beso vulnerable, it's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (11:33):
Yeah.
And I think, too, that—and Ijust want to say that God has
fully restored my relationshipwith my kids and, you know, and
healed them from those— Youknow, like, we're very
transparent with each other.
And so, you know, we're able totalk about these things now.
And, of course, it's still, youknow, when you think about it,
like, wow, you know, you putyour kids through a lot.
But
SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
that's the enemy.
That's the enemy.
SPEAKER_00 (11:57):
I'm so faithful, though, to bring it back around.
And I'm so grateful, like,because some people don't get
that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:02):
Right.
Right.
You know, they choose not tolisten.
Yeah.
They choose not to, you know,and it is a choice.
It is a choice.
yes, drugs are an addiction, andyes, it's, you know, you hit
rock bottom, right?
Ben Puller's song says, youknow, there's a thousand ways to
rock bottom, but there's onlyone way out.
(12:24):
And you have to find that oneway out.
And, you know, in NA, they talkabout the higher powers, right?
And you can't do it for yourkids.
You can't do it for your mom oryour dad, or you have to do it
for yourself or for God.
You know, and...
And you have to find your way.
And me and my son are on a goodpath now.
(12:46):
And we haven't been in the past.
And I'm very transparent.
I'm very transparent about myaddiction.
I'm very transparent about hisfather's addiction and why we
were together.
I'm very transparent about whyhis dad isn't around.
And that's been very hard forus, for him.
in lots of ways.
(13:08):
But we talk about it freely.
And I feel like to be able totalk about it freely with our
children is what is going tobreak those generational curses
that has come.
Even though your parents didn'thave addiction.
I had one in addiction and onenot in addiction.
Both your parents wereGod-fearing, God-loving people
(13:31):
their whole lives.
Or as long as I've known
SPEAKER_02 (13:33):
them.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
And When you talk about addiction or when you talk
about depression, I've not everbeen suicidal that I know of,
that I can think about.
There's some years in my lifeI'm not real sure about.
where I was at or where I camefrom or how I got to here, you
know, but I don't remember everbeing suicidal, but I do, I do
(13:58):
know that when my son was born,I was dealing with a lot of
emotions.
Um, I was six months pregnant,uh, before I knew I was
pregnant.
I was doing an eight ball a dayby myself.
Um, I was also sharing an eightball a day with people, you
know, um, I had the best, uh,drug supplier in north georgia
(14:20):
and i had the cleanest ifthere's such a thing drugs in
georgia in north georgia um anduh you know i was getting high
every day and i went and iworked a full-time job i worked
40 hours a week i was afunctional drug addict
SPEAKER_00 (14:37):
yeah
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
if there's such a thing
SPEAKER_00 (14:39):
i was not functional
SPEAKER_01 (14:42):
if there was such a thing
SPEAKER_00 (14:43):
right
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
um Now that I look back on it, it makes me laugh,
right?
But I was six months pregnant,went to work one day, and the
assistant, my assistant thatworked under me, she goes, I
said, Oh my God, what are youwearing?
And she's like, what are youtalking about?
And she was eight monthspregnant.
She was already pregnant.
So she wasn't wearing perfume.
(15:04):
She wasn't wearing, she had towear unscented deodorant.
Like everything made her sick atthe time.
Right.
And I was like, Oh my God, whatare you wearing?
And she's like, what do youmean?
And I got sick and I ran to thebathroom and I was sick and I
just got high that morning.
Like, you know, I've been up forthree hours smoking bowls, you
know, getting high before I cometo work.
And, um, And she's like, I'm notwearing nothing.
(15:25):
She's like, you're pregnant.
And I was like, no, I'm not.
I can't get pregnant.
Right?
Like at 19, I was told I'd neverhave a kid.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
You know, so she's like, yeah, you are.
And I was like, you're crazy.
She's like, I'll prove it toyou.
So she runs down because I'mworking in the mall.
She runs down to the CVS.
She does a pregnancy test.
And she comes back and I go inthe bathroom and I take it.
30 seconds.
It come back positive.
I sent her back down there.
I had about eight tests before Iwould even consider being
(15:56):
pregnant.
And I'm talking about, I'd peeon the stick, eight seconds.
Less than 30 seconds, it wasabout costed.
I cried and I cried.
Like I couldn't even come out ofthe
SPEAKER_00 (16:07):
bathroom.
SPEAKER_01 (16:08):
And so I left work that day and I went home and I
told my baby's daddy that I waspregnant.
And he got mad and he threw somethings and he yelled and he
screamed and he cussed and heleft.
I crawled in the bed and I laidin the bed for three days and I
cried and I prayed to God forthree days.
(16:30):
And I hadn't talked to God sinceI was 13.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:33):
You know, I hadn't openly spoke to God since I was
13.
And I prayed and I cried forthree days.
And I got up on that fourth dayand I went to the doctor and I
walked into the OBGYN.
And the doctor must have thoughtI was insane.
Because not only did I tell himwhat kind of drugs I was doing
(16:54):
now, I told him every drug Iever done in my life.
Right.
And I started getting high at15.
You know, I started drinking at15, and then, you know, I
started doing drugs at 16, and Istarted doing real drugs, you
know, at 17 when I graduatedhigh school, and I told him
everything I'd ever done.
You know, I told him the acidand the ecstasy and the, you
(17:16):
know, the...
Molly's and all the, just thedifferent things I've ever done,
you know, and he was like, okay,he's like, well, let's, you
know, he's like, let's do this.
Let's run this.
Let's do this.
And he made me a high riskpregnancy.
Um, I quit my job, uh, cause Iknew I had to get clean and I
knew I had to do, you know, Ihad to do some things.
(17:37):
Uh, and I honestly believe thiswith all my heart that God said,
God, give me a baby.
when he gave it to me because ithink they're going to end up
dead or in prison
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
yeah
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
and uh and he knew the only thing i was chasing was
something to love me like iloved it right um something i i
was going to love this babyunconditionally and i was and it
was going to love me backunconditionally and i truly
believe that in my heart andthat's all i'd ever chased right
i learned my i wanted my daddy'slove to not have conditions I
(18:16):
always felt like it hadconditions.
When I was little, I had to beperfect.
When I was in school, I had tomake good grades.
I always felt like it wasconditional.
But our Father in Heaven is notconditional.
Fast forward, I had a greatpregnancy the rest of the time.
(18:41):
I caught the flu in December.
And I had the flu the entiretime until he was born.
The day he was born, I wasfinally cured of the flu.
Only time I've ever had the flu.
And I think it was getting ridof the toxins in his body is why
I had the flu.
Because I stayed sick.
I threw up a lot.
(19:01):
And he was born perfectlyhealthy.
He was born with...
He doesn't have ADHD.
He doesn't have all the thingsthat usually come with drug
addiction.
With a baby, he was born...
He was, you know, of weight.
He weighed 7'2".
He was 21 inches long.
He was born completely healthy.
He's not had any learningdisabilities.
(19:23):
He's not had, he didn't have anystunt growth.
He didn't have any of the thingsthat normally come with
addiction, right?
And I'm so grateful to this day.
But fast forward six weeks in, Igo back for my checkup and the
doctor's asking me all thesequestions and I'm, got on the
mask everything's perfecteverything's
SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
fine
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
everything's fine and in all honesty I was I was
going through postpartum and Ididn't understand it right but I
needed to go back to workbecause in that six weeks the
baby's daddy didn't want to getclean he didn't want to stop
doing drugs and so he would cometo the house to see to see Dylan
(20:05):
and he would pass out on thecouch where he'd been up three
or four days and so he wasn'tactually visiting with Dylan it
was a place to be
SPEAKER_02 (20:12):
safe
SPEAKER_01 (20:13):
a place to be safe because he knew I wouldn't let
anybody mess with him or botherhim at the time and one day when
Dylan was three months old Ilooked at him and I said this
isn't how this is going to be Isaid because in six months he's
going to realize that you'reonly around when you want to be
And in a year, it's going tobreak his heart.
And in two years, it's going tomess him up, and we're not going
(20:35):
to do this, right?
So you need to make a choice.
You get clean.
You find a stable place to live.
What you do when he's not aroundis your business, but when he's
there, you're sober.
You're going to see him on aregular basis.
You're going to be a dad to him.
You're going to take him tobaseball games.
You're going to do these things.
And if you choose not to dothat, when you walk out that
(20:56):
door, If you choose not to evercome back, if you choose not to
ever call again, I will nevercome after you, right?
You know, you will make a choiceand I will make one too.
So he walked out and we hadn'tseen or heard from him.
And I've never chased him forchild support.
I've never asked him for helpfor any part of Dylan's life.
(21:18):
And I'm okay with that.
I've always talked with Dylanabout it.
You know, and when he turned 18,I told him if he wanted to find
him, that I would help him findhim.
and anytime as as as he getsolder if he chooses to do that
that's his choice yeah um butgoing back to the three months
uh in the six weeks and thepostpartum because i was in
(21:42):
postpartum dylan didn't get thenurturing that babies get yeah
in the first six months of theirlife he was fed his diaper was
changed he was bathed he waswell physically taken care of
but emotionally he was not Notwith me.
Right?
Thank God that I had moved backhome and my mama was there.
(22:05):
And that emotional bondage wasthere.
The two of them have it.
Right?
And like I've said in the pastand on several, I thank God that
he has that with her.
Right?
And we will never have thatemotional bond.
And I'm okay with that.
Yeah.
(22:25):
You know, and it's hard.
But postpartum is real.
And I had to go and find, Ifinally went to a doctor, to a
psychiatrist or counselor, and Iwas diagnosed with PTSD because
when I go through trauma or gothrough a tragedy, I choose to
(22:48):
pretend like it doesn't happen.
And I don't deal with it.
At the time, I don't deal withgrief.
I don't deal with trauma.
I don't deal with anything badin my life.
I choose to pretend like itdidn't happen.
But you can't do that.
Because when you do that, itcomes back and bites you in the
butt later.
(23:08):
And I take medicine for that.
I have been taking medicine forthat for 20 years.
And I'm okay with that.
When I first started, I wasashamed that I couldn't When I
found my faith, I stopped takingmy medicine, right?
And I was like, I'm giving it toGod, right?
(23:29):
God's going to help me throughthis and blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
And one day I'm having a mentalbreakdown.
I am having a panic attack in mycar.
so bad that I have to pull overon the side of the road going
down 75 because I can't.
I just can't.
I can't function.
(23:49):
My body can't function.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I am in full-fledged panicattack for no reason.
And in that moment, sitting onthe side of 75, God says, I give
you professionals to help you.
Don't be ashamed.
And I was like, what?
(24:09):
What?
So then I was like, I don'tunderstand.
It says in the Bible to give itto God.
It says in the Bible to justgive it to Him.
Well, I'm giving it to Him, butthere's just things in life that
you have to have help with.
And God gives us to find aprofessional that believes the
(24:31):
same rules that you believe andfollow with them.
Let them pray over you.
Let them talk to you.
It's okay.
UNKNOWN (24:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (24:39):
I'm grateful today that I don't have to take
medicine anymore.
They said I always would.
But if you'd like, you're sayingif you do, my dad talks on this
all the time.
He's like, God, give us doctors.
Like if my dad, if he gets asymptom, of course he prays, but
he also uses wisdom and he'll goto the doctor and go ahead and
get him just like Monday.
I was like, you know what?
(24:59):
I've had this for three days.
I'm going to go get me a steroidshot.
That's what they're for.
That's what the doctors are for.
You know what I mean?
I can speak healing and the Lordcan heal us, but he also gives
us wisdom to Use medical.
Use doctors.
You know what I mean?
So it's okay.
Like you said, don't be ashamed.
And reach out for help.
That's the biggest thing istrying to mask.
Don't mask it.
(25:20):
It's okay.
Like if you're going throughthings, even after I gave my
life back to God four years ago,I went through things, and we
talked about this last episode.
I was in a really hard season,and I could have really fell
into some depression.
I was right on the fence.
I'm not even going to lie.
I was smiling at work, smilingat everybody, at their face,
(25:41):
smiling at church, here,wherever.
But at home, it was not thesame.
I really had to make a decisionto...
Either you're going to change itor I'm going to leave or, you
know what I mean?
So I'm so thankful that Godintervened and that I didn't
(26:04):
listen to the lies of the enemy.
That tells me that that was,because there was, oh, so many
times the enemy would say, it'snot going to work.
This is not, this is not what,this is not your portion.
This is not where you'resupposed to be.
And so, and then I would sit andthink about it.
What is it?
Is it?
(26:25):
You know what I mean?
For a second, you're like, andthen I want to go back.
But God, I know what you said.
I know what you spoke to me.
I know I heard your voicetelling me that, what it's
supposed to look like.
But I think a lot of times whenwe're not seeing things the way,
when God gives us a word orgives us, sometimes it's not for
that moment.
And you have to, and when you'regoing through the middle, the
(26:46):
middle is always so ugly.
I've never met a person that haswent through something, you
know, God give them a word aboutsomething and then, And they had
to wait a while to get to that.
They'll always tell you thatthat middle part between there
was not lovely.
It was painful.
I wanted to punch the wallsometimes and be like, God,
(27:08):
where are you?
It's very discouraging.
But God brought me out.
And I'm so thankful that theselast two weeks that my house has
been...
My house is just so peaceful.
And I'm so grateful that Ididn't listen to the voice of
the enemy that told me to leaveand to give up.
And, you know, sometimes ittakes being around friends.
(27:29):
I'm so grateful for Shannon.
I'm so grateful for the prayerwarriors that I had that will
speak life into me.
Because sometimes when you'rediscouraged and you can't
encourage yourself, you know,David got into a spot where he's
just like, you know what, I haveto encourage myself.
And that's good.
But sometimes you're just in aspot where...
You don't even feel worthy toencourage yourself.
You thought, there's so muchchaos going on right now.
(27:51):
Lord, you're going to have tosend me somebody.
And I'm so grateful that Hesends people into our life that
will push us and to encourageus.
And when we feel inadequate, wefeel like, I'm not even worthy
to do this podcast.
Lord, do you even know what, doyou see what's going on in my
house right now?
SPEAKER_01 (28:08):
You know, and that's funny, right?
That's so, so funny because whenwe went to that women's
conference, the devil,
SPEAKER_02 (28:15):
the
SPEAKER_01 (28:17):
time of life that you were in, it's like he just
kept slapping you in the face,right?
I mean, and we've talked aboutthis in past podcasts, you know,
and God wouldn't let it go.
Like, he's like, she's going.
Like, she's got to go.
She's got to go.
She's got to go.
She's got to go.
And I'm not usually one tochase.
(28:37):
Right.
That's just not who I am.
Usually I ask you if you tell meno, then I let it go and I move
on to the next person, you know,because I'm going.
I want to go.
I'm going.
Right.
And the same thing with concertsor anything that I choose to do.
And, you know, and But God justwouldn't let it go.
Like, I'd text you, you know,and you would, you know, some
(28:59):
excuse or something was going onor whatever, you know, and so
I'd move on.
And a couple weeks later, you'dbe there again.
And I'm like, okay.
So I'd text you again, you know,and not knowing what's going on,
you know, at the time yourfather-in-law was sick.
But your house was alreadyfalling apart then.
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
Well, we had three deaths since January.
We had three deaths back to backto back.
My ex-husband died, which is thefather of my oldest three girls.
That was in January.
Or maybe Leslie died first.
Kevin's sister died January23rd.
And then my ex-husband died.
And then in March the 3rd, myfather-in-law died.
(29:42):
So even in a month.
two months period, we lost threepeople in the family, just like
that.
And so on top of all that, theenemy was trying to do a word.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:55):
Attacking your house.
And, uh, you know, we go to thatconference and, and God is so
vivid, right?
He is so present and he isthere.
And, you know, he's, he'swhispering to you.
He's whispering to me.
It's just all over the place,you know, and we started this
podcast, right?
And every week God tells us whatto talk about every week, you
(30:18):
know, Monday, I'm sending you,this is what we're going to talk
about, you know, I'm usually offon Sundays, so I spend time in
this room praying and justlistening to God and all that.
We talked about this last week,and last week, nothing.
It was just silence.
(30:39):
And it's because it was time forit to come out, right?
It was time for us to be honest.
It was time for you to tell yourstory.
And I think that's why the wholedepression thing, we had to tell
the first story first.
Yeah.
Right?
We had to tell the season wewere in.
And it amazes me.
Like, it just, I have coldchills today.
(31:02):
Yeah.
You know, it just amazes me atwhere we're at as far as where
this podcast is headed, whereour lives are headed with God
and with our faith, you know.
There's so much more to come,and I'm so excited that y'all
have chosen to do this journeywith us.
SPEAKER_00 (31:19):
And I just want to, I'm excited too.
And I'm so thankful that youpushed me.
And you need to find you somefriends that will push you, that
will go to war with you.
And I'm so grateful for you.
And I just want to encourage youthat, you know, that you can
come out of whatever you'regoing through right now.
You can come out of it.
God's faithful.
And if you can just rememberthat no feeling is final.
You think that when you're inthat moment and you're
(31:40):
discouraged and you're depressedand you feel like nobody cares,
God cares.
Yes, He does.
When everything feels dark,there's always light, and it
will shine again.
God sees you.
He's not forgotten you.
Psalms 34, 18 says, The Lord isclose to the brokenhearted and
saved those who are crushed inspirit.
That means right now, in yourdarkest moment, He's right there
(32:01):
near you.
SPEAKER_01 (32:03):
Yes,
SPEAKER_00 (32:03):
He is.
And call on Him.
The Lord bring me out.
It says that pain will pass,healing is possible, and your
story isn't over.
There's more life to live, morejoy to find, and more beauty
ahead.
SPEAKER_01 (32:13):
Yes, there is.
So depression and suicide isreal, and we as Christians don't
talk about it enough.
Yes, give it to Jesus, butdidn't Jesus give us
compassionate people with thetraining to help us?
Jesus puts people in our paths,in our hearts, when we need help
the most.
(32:34):
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Today, right now in this moment,please pick up your phone and
(32:57):
text or call 988.
Lifeline is a hotline withpeople to help.
It's a national hotline, so nomatter where you are in the
United States, you can dial 988or text it and a professional
will contact you.
If you need prayer, pleasemessage us on our Facebook page,
Unrelated Sisters Truth andGrace Conversation Podcast, or
(33:20):
email us atunrelatedsisterspodcast at
gmail.com.
Remember, you are not alone.
Rooted in truth, covered ingrace, and carried in faith.
Until next time, we love
SPEAKER_00 (33:35):
you.
We love y'all.
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