May 11, 2025 • 21 mins
This episode explores shame, guilt, and toxic shame, showing how they shape self-awareness and behavior. Shame stems from internalized failure, while guilt arises from specific mistakes and can motivate change. Through real-life scenarios, the episode illustrates how these emotions affect personal growth.
While some shame promotes moral awareness, toxic shame—especially in dysfunctional families—traps individuals in cycles of self-doubt. Children in unstable environments often absorb shame that their parents refuse to acknowledge, leading them to feel inherently flawed. The episode stresses the importance of self-awareness in breaking free from harmful emotional patterns.
Using a striking metaphor, it explains how shame spreads in dysfunctional families and how children internalize it. The host shares personal experiences, emphasizing that toxic shame is not a reflection of one's worth. Healing begins with awareness, open conversations, and challenging negative beliefs to reclaim self-acceptance.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to episode 4 of a podcast You Are a
Cure, Adult Children ofAlcoholics.
In this episode, I will betalking about shame.
And shame is one of the toughestemotions to deal with, but it's
something we all feel from timeto time.
Some people, like adult childrenof alcoholics, or those from
(00:24):
dysfunctional families,experience it more often.
Kids start feeling shame andguilt around the age of two.
Now, there's shame, there'stoxic shame and there's also
guilt.
They can seem similar to eachother and can be tricky to
define.
Shame and guilt both fall intothe category of emotions tied to
(00:48):
self-awareness.
And when we mess up and startthinking it's because we are
just not good enough, that'sshame kicking in.
But if we see failure as justone time mistake instead of
proof that there is somethingwrong with us, we feel guilty.
(01:09):
And that guilt can actuallymotivate us to improve next
time.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Shame can lead to introspectionand looking at our life to seek
improvements too.
But we tend to seek improvementsto our actions more often than
to our personalities.
Simply simpler.
(01:30):
In order to seek improvementsand decide on changing the
behaviors...
When we feel shame gripping in,we need to have a strong
motivation.
And I will talk about this moreon a part where we will deal
with how to break from toxicshame.
Now, let's break it down withexamples to see how guilt and
(01:53):
shame play out in real life.
Let's imagine a woman is walkingout for a walk on a beautiful
sunny day when she spots a younggirl approaching her.
The girl asks for directions andthe woman quickly notices that
she's not from the area.
Her accent is different and shelooks lost and a bit scared.
(02:16):
The woman gives her directionsand then continues on her way.
But as she walks away, somethingdoesn't sit right.
She realizes that the girl mightstill be confused or too nervous
to find her way.
A feeling of guilt creeps in.
(02:37):
Maybe she should have stayed alittle longer to make sure the
girl was okay or even walked herto her destination.
Maybe the girl needed more help.
Dead in mind to make thingsright, the woman turns back,
joins the girl and tells her shewill personally walk her to her
destination.
(02:57):
In doing so, she can also findout what's worrying her.
worrying the girl and make sureshe gets to where she needs to
be safely.
This is guilt.
It's all about a specific momentor action.
What triggers this emotion isour moral compass, our
(03:18):
conscience.
When guilt kicks in, it canactually push us to do better.
If our sense of right and wrongis strong and we are mature
enough, to take responsibilityfor our actions.
So let's look at anothersituation.
(03:38):
Let's say a man applies for amanager role, even though he's
never worked in such positionbefore.
He figures it's worth a shot.
On the day of the interview, hedresses professionally and has
his answers to the usualquestions ready.
He's a little nervous, but whowouldn't be?
(04:00):
Then surprise, he finds out thatnot only is the company's
director interviewing him, butthere's also HR rep in the room.
He wasn't expecting that andsuddenly his nerves spike.
He hadn't prepared for HRspecific questions and now as
(04:22):
they start coming his way, he'sstruggling with each answer.
He's sweating.
already convinced he is afailure.
When the interview finally wrapsup, the interviewers thank him
for his time.
But deep down, he knows hefailed.
Now, shame is hitting hard.
(04:44):
It doesn't feel like he justmessed up an interview.
It feels like he is a failure.
That's the thing about shame.
It's not about a single mistake.
It attacks who you are.
It's triggered by that awfulfeeling of not being enough, of
believing you are just not agood person.
(05:04):
There's no moral compass guidingyou to improve, just a harsh
inner critic whispering, yousuck.
Shame doesn't push you toreflect or try again.
It traps you in the role of avictim, weighing you down
instead of helping you grow.
(05:25):
Now, each of these examplescould have played out
differently.
Take the woman.
She could have felt ashamed fornot properly helping the lost
girl.
In her head, she might havethought, oh my God, what is
wrong with me?
I can't even help others.
I'm such a loser.
And then just walked away,feeling bad about herself, not
(05:49):
just her actions.
On the other hand, The maninterviewing for the manager
role could have felt guilty fornot preparing enough for the HR
questions.
Instead of beating himself up,he might have thought, I really
need to work harder on those HRquestions next time.
(06:11):
Maybe I will write them downtomorrow so I don't forget what
they were.
That way he sees it is alearning opportunity rather than
a personal failure.
Is shame ever good for you?
Yes.
If it weren't, why would we evenfeel it?
Every emotion has some wisdombehind it.
(06:32):
It's like a signal telling ussomething important.
A little bit of shame canactually be helpful.
It reminds us that we are notthe only ones in the world and
that we need to follow certainrules to get along with others.
It makes us more aware of howour actions affect people,
(06:56):
encouraging us to be mindful andconsiderate.
Shame also acts as a warningsign, letting us know when we
strayed far from our truevalues.
If your moral compass is showinga solid minus 100, shame is
basically shouting, alert,alert, you are off track, turn
(07:19):
back, this is a dead end.
Some people feel shame becausethey've made choices that go
against what's good or right.
In that way, healthy shame canserve as an internal wake-up
call, nudging someone to rethinktheir path.
It's like an emotional alarmthat let us know when we've
(07:42):
crossed the line.
It's uncomfortable, butsometimes it helps steer us in
the right direction.
now toxic shame is somethingthat causes a lot of pain and
can seriously damage our liveswhy does shame turn toxic and
why do adult children ofalcoholics or people from
(08:03):
dysfunctional families seem toexperience it the most i already
mentioned that to work throughshame and make real changes you
need maturity and strongmotivation This is because shame
targets our being and not ouractions.
But there's more to it.
(08:24):
You also need self-awareness.
That means understanding youremotions, past traumas and the
reasons behind your reactions.
Instead of just living themoment and reacting, you need to
step back and be an observer ofyour own life.
When you do that, you stoplooking at everything through
(08:47):
the lens of trauma, pain, or theroles you've played, whether as
a victim, prosecutor, or hero.
Instead, you see yourselfclearly, like looking in a
mirror, and you actually noticewhat's there.
If you want to work throughshame and change your behavior,
(09:07):
you need all of this.
Awareness, reflection.
and the ability to see yourselfhonestly.
That's where growth starts.
My parents, and probably yourstoo, never had that kind of
self-awareness.
They looked at themselvesthrough the lens of their
(09:27):
childhood trauma, avoidingdeeper issues they were too
scared to face.
Because of that, they neverreally acted on their shame.
Waking up with a hangover, theycouldn't confront it.
They didn't take responsibilityfor their actions.
They couldn't shift intoobserver mode and truly see what
(09:51):
their life had become.
Why?
Because facing the truth wouldmean asking for help, admitting
they had an addiction, andaccepting that their choices
were hurting the people aroundthem.
And even beyond that, They wouldhave to dig deep into their
(10:12):
childhood traumas and finallybegin healing their inner child,
something they may not have beenready for.
It's a tough cycle and breakingfree from it takes courage,
self-awareness and a willingnessto grow.
So instead, our parents chose toignore the problem, acting like
(10:34):
everything was fine and eventhough everyone around them felt
the exact opposite.
Children who naturally startfeeling shame around the age of
two are pure and deeplyconnected to their truth and
unconditional love, so theysense this shame, even when the
(10:56):
adults pretend it's not there.
So let's say a dad comes homedrunk late at night.
Mom wakes up and startsscreaming at him.
The fight explodes.
Swearing, nasty words, purechaos.
In the middle of it all, thechild lies in bed, pillow over
(11:16):
their head, scared, awakened bythe shouting.
It might take ages to fallasleep again.
Child tries not to hear, butthey hear everything, just in
case child might need to step inand help with the drunk dad.
The next day, dad acts likenothing happened.
(11:39):
Mom too.
There's tension, sure.
But no one talks about it.
No one apologizes for waking thechild up.
No one says I'm sorry.
And there's the thickness in theair.
A heavy, suffocating silence.
Toxic.
I once heard an example thatperfectly illustrates what
(12:00):
happens in dysfunctionalfamilies when shame is in the
air, but no one acknowledges it.
Imagine there's an excrementline right in the middle of the
room.
A child walks in, where the momand dad are sitting, chatting
and smiling as if nothing'swrong.
(12:21):
But the child smells the stink.
The weird part?
No one else seems to see orsmell it.
That's when the child starts todoubt their own senses.
If no one else notices this,then maybe this stink is mine.
And just like that, the shame,this invisible stink, seeps into
(12:44):
the child's mind.
They start believing that if momand dad don't see the shame, it
belongs to them instead.
It's all happening on asubconscious level.
Shame goes to a person who isable to feel it, and in these
families, only child can senseit or feel it.
(13:06):
Of course, as I mentioned, theyare all subconscious beliefs,
deep, hidden thoughts that arehard to reach and even harder to
change.
But as you might remember fromepisode 3 of this podcast,
understanding them is the firststep toward breaking free.
(13:29):
In a healthy family, when aparent makes a mistake, they own
up to it, apologize and actuallywork to improve their behavior
so it doesn't happen again.
The partner's reaction wouldalso be very different from that
of a dysfunctional partner.
(13:50):
Instead of ignoring whathappened or instantly forgiving
without addressing the issue,they would respect their own
boundaries and needs.
They would talk things through,making sure both sides
understand what happened and whyit mattered.
Unfortunately, this kind ofopen, respectful communication
(14:12):
is rare.
in dysfunctional families.
In those situations, mistakesoften get ignored, dismissed or
repeated with no realaccountability or effort to
change.
These moments where shamelingered in the air but no one
took accountability happenedover and over again.
(14:33):
It wasn't just a one-time thing.
That's why this toxic odor ofshame became so deeply ingrained
in us.
And on top of that, the shamethat no one else acknowledged
somehow become ours to carry.
There was also the shame we feltbecause of how our parents
(14:56):
behaved when they were drunk,especially if someone else saw
them.
Once again, the child absorbsthat shame, taking it on as
their own, even though it nevershould have been theirs to begin
with.
I remember never inviting myschool friends over to my house.
I was simply too ashamed, afraidof what they might see, what
(15:20):
they might think.
I didn't want them to witnessanything that I would feel
ashamed of.
Someone close to me once told mea story about his dad, who was
mumbling and barely standing onhis feet, completely drunk.
while trying to talk to a personwho wanted to buy something from
(15:43):
him.
The other person was classy andrespectful, but his dad, not so
much.
These kinds of situationshappened all the time for my
friends.
So on top of the shame we carryfrom all the times our mom or
dad were drunk and never tookaccountability, there's also the
(16:04):
shame we absorb from everysituations.
where they acted inappropriatelyin front of others.
It's like we are collectinglayers of shame that were never
ours to begin with.
And to add to this, adultchildren of alcoholics often
feel shame simply for who theyare.
(16:25):
That's because they neverreceived unconditional love and
acceptance for just beingthemselves.
Parts of their personality werenever truly accepted.
If those parts didn't fit therole they were expected to play
in the family, they had to pushthem aside.
(16:47):
Some parts of themselves wereeven cut off completely because
they knew they wouldn't be lovedor accepted if they expressed
them.
That leaves them with this deep,painful belief that they are not
enough, that they are somehowfailing or that they don't
deserve love and acceptance.
(17:08):
They start feeling like the onlyway to be accepted is by playing
a role, not by being the realauthentic self.
But that raises a big question.
How can love or acceptance bereal if you have to pretend to
be someone else to get it?
If you can't be your true self,is it even genuine love?
(17:33):
That's what toxic shame is.
It's a mix of the unspoken shameat home that no one
acknowledged, the shame of beingembarrassed by a parent's
behavior, and most of all, theshame of feeling like you as a
person are fundamentally flawed.
(17:53):
That's just so unfair andheartbreaking.
Children so pure, so full ofunconditional love for their
parents, no matter what, end upbeing taught that they aren't
worthy of that love in return.
And that's where shame creepsin.
They start feeling like theyfailed to live up to their
(18:16):
parents' expectations, eventhough it was never their burden
to carry in the first place.
With toxic shame, The first stepis recognizing that it is toxic.
It's not healthy, unnatural, andmost importantly, it has nothing
to do with how you've lived yourlife or who you are as a person.
(18:39):
I want to share how I've dealtwith this, hoping that some part
of it resonates with you andhelps you in your own journey.
Of course, everyone has theirown experiences and we've all
been through different things.
But at the end of the day, weall long for the same things.
(19:01):
Love, acceptance, closeness,support and understanding.
So in that way, we are not sodifferent after all.
For me, the breaking point wasfinally understanding what had
happened to me, really seeing itfor what it was.
Once I saw the lies I had beenbelieving, I got angry.
(19:23):
But not at my parents, not evenat myself for believing those
lies, no.
I got mad at the liesthemselves, at this dark energy
that stirs up all thoseridiculous ideas, making me
believe I'm not good enough,that I'm somehow unworthy and
that there's something wrongwith me.
(19:45):
That anger was powerful.
It helped me start breaking freefrom all of it.
Whenever I caught myselfthinking, I'm not good enough or
I don't deserve this, that angerkicked in.
I would tell those thoughtsstraight up.
You just echoes from the past.
You are not real.
(20:05):
I am good enough.
These are just lies.
But I wasn't just convincingmyself of new ideas.
I genuinely knew they weren'ttrue.
I treated those thoughts likeintruders, like something trying
to steal my happiness.
The key is to be really aware ofyour thoughts and how you treat
(20:29):
yourself.
So stay present and don't slipinto autopilot.
I'm actually planning an episodeall about mindfulness and
staying in the moment, so staytuned for that.
And slowly but surely, thatshame, the belief that I wasn't
enough, melted away.
(20:50):
The key to getting rid of toxicshame is really talking about
it.
The moment you say out loud thatyou feel ashamed of who you are,
that shame starts to shrinklittle by little.
And if you know where your shamecomes from, in this case
dysfunctional childhood, howcould you possibly stay ashamed?
(21:13):
You were just a child, a childwho wanted love and acceptance,
nothing more.
So stay brave and strong on yourjourney and you deserve to heal.
Hello and welcome to episode 4 of a podcast You Are a
Cure, Adult Children ofAlcoholics.
In this episode, I will betalking about shame.
And shame is one of the toughestemotions to deal with, but it's
something we all feel from timeto time.
Some people, like adult childrenof alcoholics, or those from
(00:24):
dysfunctional families,experience it more often.
Kids start feeling shame andguilt around the age of two.
Now, there's shame, there'stoxic shame and there's also
guilt.
They can seem similar to eachother and can be tricky to
define.
Shame and guilt both fall intothe category of emotions tied to
(00:48):
self-awareness.
And when we mess up and startthinking it's because we are
just not good enough, that'sshame kicking in.
But if we see failure as justone time mistake instead of
proof that there is somethingwrong with us, we feel guilty.
(01:09):
And that guilt can actuallymotivate us to improve next
time.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Shame can lead to introspectionand looking at our life to seek
improvements too.
But we tend to seek improvementsto our actions more often than
to our personalities.
Simply simpler.
(01:30):
In order to seek improvementsand decide on changing the
behaviors...
When we feel shame gripping in,we need to have a strong
motivation.
And I will talk about this moreon a part where we will deal
with how to break from toxicshame.
Now, let's break it down withexamples to see how guilt and
(01:53):
shame play out in real life.
Let's imagine a woman is walkingout for a walk on a beautiful
sunny day when she spots a younggirl approaching her.
The girl asks for directions andthe woman quickly notices that
she's not from the area.
Her accent is different and shelooks lost and a bit scared.
(02:16):
The woman gives her directionsand then continues on her way.
But as she walks away, somethingdoesn't sit right.
She realizes that the girl mightstill be confused or too nervous
to find her way.
A feeling of guilt creeps in.
(02:37):
Maybe she should have stayed alittle longer to make sure the
girl was okay or even walked herto her destination.
Maybe the girl needed more help.
Dead in mind to make thingsright, the woman turns back,
joins the girl and tells her shewill personally walk her to her
destination.
(02:57):
In doing so, she can also findout what's worrying her.
worrying the girl and make sureshe gets to where she needs to
be safely.
This is guilt.
It's all about a specific momentor action.
What triggers this emotion isour moral compass, our
(03:18):
conscience.
When guilt kicks in, it canactually push us to do better.
If our sense of right and wrongis strong and we are mature
enough, to take responsibilityfor our actions.
So let's look at anothersituation.
(03:38):
Let's say a man applies for amanager role, even though he's
never worked in such positionbefore.
He figures it's worth a shot.
On the day of the interview, hedresses professionally and has
his answers to the usualquestions ready.
He's a little nervous, but whowouldn't be?
(04:00):
Then surprise, he finds out thatnot only is the company's
director interviewing him, butthere's also HR rep in the room.
He wasn't expecting that andsuddenly his nerves spike.
He hadn't prepared for HRspecific questions and now as
(04:22):
they start coming his way, he'sstruggling with each answer.
He's sweating.
already convinced he is afailure.
When the interview finally wrapsup, the interviewers thank him
for his time.
But deep down, he knows hefailed.
Now, shame is hitting hard.
(04:44):
It doesn't feel like he justmessed up an interview.
It feels like he is a failure.
That's the thing about shame.
It's not about a single mistake.
It attacks who you are.
It's triggered by that awfulfeeling of not being enough, of
believing you are just not agood person.
(05:04):
There's no moral compass guidingyou to improve, just a harsh
inner critic whispering, yousuck.
Shame doesn't push you toreflect or try again.
It traps you in the role of avictim, weighing you down
instead of helping you grow.
(05:25):
Now, each of these examplescould have played out
differently.
Take the woman.
She could have felt ashamed fornot properly helping the lost
girl.
In her head, she might havethought, oh my God, what is
wrong with me?
I can't even help others.
I'm such a loser.
And then just walked away,feeling bad about herself, not
(05:49):
just her actions.
On the other hand, The maninterviewing for the manager
role could have felt guilty fornot preparing enough for the HR
questions.
Instead of beating himself up,he might have thought, I really
need to work harder on those HRquestions next time.
(06:11):
Maybe I will write them downtomorrow so I don't forget what
they were.
That way he sees it is alearning opportunity rather than
a personal failure.
Is shame ever good for you?
Yes.
If it weren't, why would we evenfeel it?
Every emotion has some wisdombehind it.
(06:32):
It's like a signal telling ussomething important.
A little bit of shame canactually be helpful.
It reminds us that we are notthe only ones in the world and
that we need to follow certainrules to get along with others.
It makes us more aware of howour actions affect people,
(06:56):
encouraging us to be mindful andconsiderate.
Shame also acts as a warningsign, letting us know when we
strayed far from our truevalues.
If your moral compass is showinga solid minus 100, shame is
basically shouting, alert,alert, you are off track, turn
(07:19):
back, this is a dead end.
Some people feel shame becausethey've made choices that go
against what's good or right.
In that way, healthy shame canserve as an internal wake-up
call, nudging someone to rethinktheir path.
It's like an emotional alarmthat let us know when we've
(07:42):
crossed the line.
It's uncomfortable, butsometimes it helps steer us in
the right direction.
now toxic shame is somethingthat causes a lot of pain and
can seriously damage our liveswhy does shame turn toxic and
why do adult children ofalcoholics or people from
(08:03):
dysfunctional families seem toexperience it the most i already
mentioned that to work throughshame and make real changes you
need maturity and strongmotivation This is because shame
targets our being and not ouractions.
But there's more to it.
(08:24):
You also need self-awareness.
That means understanding youremotions, past traumas and the
reasons behind your reactions.
Instead of just living themoment and reacting, you need to
step back and be an observer ofyour own life.
When you do that, you stoplooking at everything through
(08:47):
the lens of trauma, pain, or theroles you've played, whether as
a victim, prosecutor, or hero.
Instead, you see yourselfclearly, like looking in a
mirror, and you actually noticewhat's there.
If you want to work throughshame and change your behavior,
(09:07):
you need all of this.
Awareness, reflection.
and the ability to see yourselfhonestly.
That's where growth starts.
My parents, and probably yourstoo, never had that kind of
self-awareness.
They looked at themselvesthrough the lens of their
(09:27):
childhood trauma, avoidingdeeper issues they were too
scared to face.
Because of that, they neverreally acted on their shame.
Waking up with a hangover, theycouldn't confront it.
They didn't take responsibilityfor their actions.
They couldn't shift intoobserver mode and truly see what
(09:51):
their life had become.
Why?
Because facing the truth wouldmean asking for help, admitting
they had an addiction, andaccepting that their choices
were hurting the people aroundthem.
And even beyond that, They wouldhave to dig deep into their
(10:12):
childhood traumas and finallybegin healing their inner child,
something they may not have beenready for.
It's a tough cycle and breakingfree from it takes courage,
self-awareness and a willingnessto grow.
So instead, our parents chose toignore the problem, acting like
(10:34):
everything was fine and eventhough everyone around them felt
the exact opposite.
Children who naturally startfeeling shame around the age of
two are pure and deeplyconnected to their truth and
unconditional love, so theysense this shame, even when the
(10:56):
adults pretend it's not there.
So let's say a dad comes homedrunk late at night.
Mom wakes up and startsscreaming at him.
The fight explodes.
Swearing, nasty words, purechaos.
In the middle of it all, thechild lies in bed, pillow over
(11:16):
their head, scared, awakened bythe shouting.
It might take ages to fallasleep again.
Child tries not to hear, butthey hear everything, just in
case child might need to step inand help with the drunk dad.
The next day, dad acts likenothing happened.
(11:39):
Mom too.
There's tension, sure.
But no one talks about it.
No one apologizes for waking thechild up.
No one says I'm sorry.
And there's the thickness in theair.
A heavy, suffocating silence.
Toxic.
I once heard an example thatperfectly illustrates what
(12:00):
happens in dysfunctionalfamilies when shame is in the
air, but no one acknowledges it.
Imagine there's an excrementline right in the middle of the
room.
A child walks in, where the momand dad are sitting, chatting
and smiling as if nothing'swrong.
(12:21):
But the child smells the stink.
The weird part?
No one else seems to see orsmell it.
That's when the child starts todoubt their own senses.
If no one else notices this,then maybe this stink is mine.
And just like that, the shame,this invisible stink, seeps into
(12:44):
the child's mind.
They start believing that if momand dad don't see the shame, it
belongs to them instead.
It's all happening on asubconscious level.
Shame goes to a person who isable to feel it, and in these
families, only child can senseit or feel it.
(13:06):
Of course, as I mentioned, theyare all subconscious beliefs,
deep, hidden thoughts that arehard to reach and even harder to
change.
But as you might remember fromepisode 3 of this podcast,
understanding them is the firststep toward breaking free.
(13:29):
In a healthy family, when aparent makes a mistake, they own
up to it, apologize and actuallywork to improve their behavior
so it doesn't happen again.
The partner's reaction wouldalso be very different from that
of a dysfunctional partner.
(13:50):
Instead of ignoring whathappened or instantly forgiving
without addressing the issue,they would respect their own
boundaries and needs.
They would talk things through,making sure both sides
understand what happened and whyit mattered.
Unfortunately, this kind ofopen, respectful communication
(14:12):
is rare.
in dysfunctional families.
In those situations, mistakesoften get ignored, dismissed or
repeated with no realaccountability or effort to
change.
These moments where shamelingered in the air but no one
took accountability happenedover and over again.
(14:33):
It wasn't just a one-time thing.
That's why this toxic odor ofshame became so deeply ingrained
in us.
And on top of that, the shamethat no one else acknowledged
somehow become ours to carry.
There was also the shame we feltbecause of how our parents
(14:56):
behaved when they were drunk,especially if someone else saw
them.
Once again, the child absorbsthat shame, taking it on as
their own, even though it nevershould have been theirs to begin
with.
I remember never inviting myschool friends over to my house.
I was simply too ashamed, afraidof what they might see, what
(15:20):
they might think.
I didn't want them to witnessanything that I would feel
ashamed of.
Someone close to me once told mea story about his dad, who was
mumbling and barely standing onhis feet, completely drunk.
while trying to talk to a personwho wanted to buy something from
(15:43):
him.
The other person was classy andrespectful, but his dad, not so
much.
These kinds of situationshappened all the time for my
friends.
So on top of the shame we carryfrom all the times our mom or
dad were drunk and never tookaccountability, there's also the
(16:04):
shame we absorb from everysituations.
where they acted inappropriatelyin front of others.
It's like we are collectinglayers of shame that were never
ours to begin with.
And to add to this, adultchildren of alcoholics often
feel shame simply for who theyare.
(16:25):
That's because they neverreceived unconditional love and
acceptance for just beingthemselves.
Parts of their personality werenever truly accepted.
If those parts didn't fit therole they were expected to play
in the family, they had to pushthem aside.
(16:47):
Some parts of themselves wereeven cut off completely because
they knew they wouldn't be lovedor accepted if they expressed
them.
That leaves them with this deep,painful belief that they are not
enough, that they are somehowfailing or that they don't
deserve love and acceptance.
(17:08):
They start feeling like the onlyway to be accepted is by playing
a role, not by being the realauthentic self.
But that raises a big question.
How can love or acceptance bereal if you have to pretend to
be someone else to get it?
If you can't be your true self,is it even genuine love?
(17:33):
That's what toxic shame is.
It's a mix of the unspoken shameat home that no one
acknowledged, the shame of beingembarrassed by a parent's
behavior, and most of all, theshame of feeling like you as a
person are fundamentally flawed.
(17:53):
That's just so unfair andheartbreaking.
Children so pure, so full ofunconditional love for their
parents, no matter what, end upbeing taught that they aren't
worthy of that love in return.
And that's where shame creepsin.
They start feeling like theyfailed to live up to their
(18:16):
parents' expectations, eventhough it was never their burden
to carry in the first place.
With toxic shame, The first stepis recognizing that it is toxic.
It's not healthy, unnatural, andmost importantly, it has nothing
to do with how you've lived yourlife or who you are as a person.
(18:39):
I want to share how I've dealtwith this, hoping that some part
of it resonates with you andhelps you in your own journey.
Of course, everyone has theirown experiences and we've all
been through different things.
But at the end of the day, weall long for the same things.
(19:01):
Love, acceptance, closeness,support and understanding.
So in that way, we are not sodifferent after all.
For me, the breaking point wasfinally understanding what had
happened to me, really seeing itfor what it was.
Once I saw the lies I had beenbelieving, I got angry.
(19:23):
But not at my parents, not evenat myself for believing those
lies, no.
I got mad at the liesthemselves, at this dark energy
that stirs up all thoseridiculous ideas, making me
believe I'm not good enough,that I'm somehow unworthy and
that there's something wrongwith me.
(19:45):
That anger was powerful.
It helped me start breaking freefrom all of it.
Whenever I caught myselfthinking, I'm not good enough or
I don't deserve this, that angerkicked in.
I would tell those thoughtsstraight up.
You just echoes from the past.
You are not real.
(20:05):
I am good enough.
These are just lies.
But I wasn't just convincingmyself of new ideas.
I genuinely knew they weren'ttrue.
I treated those thoughts likeintruders, like something trying
to steal my happiness.
The key is to be really aware ofyour thoughts and how you treat
(20:29):
yourself.
So stay present and don't slipinto autopilot.
I'm actually planning an episodeall about mindfulness and
staying in the moment, so staytuned for that.
And slowly but surely, thatshame, the belief that I wasn't
enough, melted away.
(20:50):
The key to getting rid of toxicshame is really talking about
it.
The moment you say out loud thatyou feel ashamed of who you are,
that shame starts to shrinklittle by little.
And if you know where your shamecomes from, in this case
dysfunctional childhood, howcould you possibly stay ashamed?
(21:13):
You were just a child, a childwho wanted love and acceptance,
nothing more.
So stay brave and strong on yourjourney and you deserve to heal.
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