May 20, 2025 • 40 mins
Loss changes us in ways we can never prepare for. When Anna's vibrant, 72-year-old mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with glioblastoma and passed away just 90 days later, it forced her to reckon with profound questions about faith, hope, and what healing truly means.
"I had so much hope," Anna reveals through tears. "I legitimately thought God was going to heal her." The raw honesty with which she describes the exhaustion of maintaining hope, the complicated emotions of caregiving in her mother's final days, and the anger that followed creates a sacred space for anyone navigating grief to feel understood.
What makes Anna's testimony so powerful isn't just her vulnerability about pain, but her ability to recognize grace within it. From having that final Christmas together to witnessing her mother open her eyes for Anna's daughter one last time, these glimpses of mercy amid tragedy demonstrate how light continues breaking through our darkest valleys.
Perhaps most beautiful is Anna's description of sitting "knee to knee, face to face" with Jesus in the hurricane of grief. "Keep your eyes on me," she heard Him say. "Don't look away. I'm right here." This image, along with her metaphor of supportive friends who circle protectively like elephants around a vulnerable herd member, offers a profound picture of how we survive our deepest sorrows.
For those wondering how to support grieving loved ones, Anna offers wisdom born from experience: "Not trying to fix it is a really good starting point." Instead of platitudes like "everything happens for a reason," she suggests simply acknowledging the pain: "It just sucks, and I hate it, and I'm sorry."
Whether you're walking through grief yourself or walking alongside someone who is, this episode reminds us that healing often comes slowly through worship, community, and ultimately, God's timing. As Anna beautifully puts it, "Nothing is permanent with God except for Him."
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gianina (00:00):
Welcome back to Walk Through.
If you joined us for part oneof Anna's story, you know just
how powerful her journey hasbeen so far.
In that episode, we heard aboutthe beginning of her walk
through grief, faith andunexpected turns life can take.
Today, in part two, we'recontinuing that conversation,
diving even deeper into themoments that tested her faith,
(00:21):
the people who walked alongsideher and the unexpected ways God
showed up in the valley.
If you're walking throughsomething hard right now, this
is for you.
You are not alone.
Let's step back into Anna'sstory and see how the light kept
breaking through.
Let's dive in.
Well, I would love, Anna I knowthat this season particularly
(00:45):
has been more of a difficultseason for you and your family
and just some of the things thatyou've walked through this
season.
If you are open to it and ifyou'd be willing, I would love
for you just to share what thathas looked like.
Anna (00:59):
Yeah, well, my mother passed away February 17th of
2025 this year and I wasdevastated.
I mean, I wasn't devastated, Iam devastated.
It hasn't been easy to figureout life without having my
(01:25):
parents, because I lost my dadand so I'm an orphan and that's
been really hard to navigatelife without my person.
But, yeah, I was her baby.
My sister is 12 years olderthan me.
We were really close.
She was a single mom, so happy,obviously, that I was born.
(01:50):
It wasn't like a bad accident,but you know, she supported me
(02:11):
through all like my musicaladventures and every crazy like
garage band that I was in, evenwhen we were absolutely horribly
awful and practiced in ourgarage like literally garage
band.
And you know she, she showed upto every gig, every show, every
(02:31):
gig, every event, and I reliedon her for a lot of my well,
just support, for, you know, forconfidence, for she was kind of
like my cheerleader and evenrecently, you know, she would
come to church or, if shecouldn't make it to church, she
would always watch online when Iwould lead worship and she also
(02:56):
supported my fitness studioventure, Like she would come to
class.
She was 72 this year.
So you know she, she saw me andshe believed in me when nobody
else did and, um, yeah, so she,she was also, like, really
(03:16):
famous for her fried pies.
I don't know if you have youever had a fried pie, Kiley.
Kiley (03:22):
I have not have, you have you, janina?
Gianina (03:25):
I don't know that I have not.
Have you.
Have you, Gianina?
I don't know that I have.
Actually, I've been in theSouth for so long, but I don't
think I've ever had one.
Kiley (03:31):
I mean I've had like.
I've had like the apple piesfrom McDonald's.
I don't know if that's.
Anna (03:35):
Oh my goodness, no, that's nothing like it.
Oh my goodness.
So it's like it's like pie,like dough, but it's homemade
pie dough.
And then you just like make alittle circle and then she would
put the filling inside it andthen crimp it down with like a
fork and then you literally deepfry it and yeah, it's anything
like that.
Deep fried is so good, butanyway, yeah it, and she was.
(03:57):
She was so good at that.
Um, she was so good at so manythings.
You, you know, I'm kind of ahippie and so my mom raised me
that way.
She's kind of that way too, andshe's just different.
And she raised me to bedifferent and just always
accepted me and really pushed meto be different.
I'm from a really small town,and sometimes in a small town in
(04:20):
the South everybody kind ofwants to be the same and I was
kind of the weirdo kid and atfirst it was, it was difficult,
but now I'm like, yes, I'm soglad I was different.
But I we lost her in Februaryfrom glioblastoma and it was
like a complete surprise.
It was an accident.
(04:44):
She went to the doctor forsomething totally different.
She didn't even have anysymptoms really that we knew of
yeah, there's this huge, massivepear sized tumor on her frontal
lobe and it just it shocked usand she died 90 days from
(05:04):
the—exactly.
I counted it up, I actuallyGoogled it, but 90 days from the
day it was discovered to theday she died.
Man, that's one I'm dealingwith still, of course, because
it's so fresh, but it was a veryshort battle and I had so much
hope.
I legitimately thought that Godwas going to heal her.
(05:26):
And I know glioblastoma is likea massive, aggressive terminal
cancer.
You can do treatments andthings like that.
It's going to come back.
I don't know.
I had this thought that God wasjust going to heal her and I
prayed for it, we prayed for it,we prayed for it and God did.
(05:47):
You know, we had so manydifferent miracles, like she,
after her surgery, she was justshe was not waking up.
And then she woke up, you know,and that was like everyone was
so surprised, the doctors andneurologists.
They were like, oh, we need toput her on palliative care,
hospice, she's going to die.
And then she woke up and thenwe were able to have Christmas
(06:09):
with her and that was such ablessing.
And then after Christmas, herhealth just started to
deteriorate and really her tumorhad started to grow back that
quickly and so that was just it.
Within three days of puttingher on hospice, she was gone.
I became such a caregiver that,like not helping her, giving her
(06:33):
oxygen when I knew her oxygenwas low and giving her her
seizure medication when I knewit was due and I know from your,
you know knew it was due.
And I know from your, you knowfrom your episode, I'm sure you
know about seizure medicationand things like that how
important it is to take it atthe right time every day.
And you know those were thingsI had to think about all the
(06:55):
time.
And helping her get to therestroom, and those are all
things that she didn't do beforethis tumor.
We found it and so we went intothe doctor, found the tumor,
resected it and she was acompletely different person.
So when it was time for her topass away, not doing those
(07:16):
things, I just felt so wrong.
It felt like we were killingher.
You know, like there's a fineline between letting someone
pass and then killing her, andlike like there's a fine line
between letting someone pass andthen killing her, and like that
was something that I just couldnot.
I could not figure out.
You know my brain.
I feel like, oh, I know heroxygen is dropping, let's give
her more.
(07:36):
Oh, her, you know she's spikinga fever, let's give her more,
let's give her something forthat.
And, honestly, those are thingsthat just happen when someone
dies, and so that was reallyhard for me as her caregiver,
yeah, and as her daughter, Imean that's yeah.
Gianina (07:52):
I couldn't imagine being in that situation, you
know?
Yeah.
Anna (07:56):
And then now, I think the emotion I'm feeling right now is
just bitterness, not towardsher or God, just mad, just
because she was so happy andvibrant, and you know, just, and
then, just one day, it's oh, bythe way, you have this tumor
and it's, you know, it's, it's areally bad, it's the worst kind
(08:17):
of cancer you can possibly have.
And you have it and, um, youknow, and that was just such a
shock, I mean I can rememberJanina was at her house and I
was like Janina, I don't knowMom's been acting a little
different and you know, wethought maybe she had a UTI and
she was being confused, and so,and then we took her to the
doctor for a UTI, and she didhave a UTI and I guess, just to
(08:41):
be on the safe side, they did aCT scan and there it was.
You know I'm thankful that itwas found, because if it hadn't
been, if there was so muchpressure in her brain, she
probably wouldn't have livedvery much longer, and then we
wouldn't have been able to haveher for Christmas, we wouldn't
have been able to have her for alonger period of time.
But yeah, I guess I find myselfbeing angry when, like one of
(09:09):
my friends recently their motherhad a birthday and she turned
80 and she was like, oh, we'regoing to have this party and
yada, yada, yada.
And I'm just over here like mad, not at her or her precious
mother, I'm just like man, Iwanted to have that.
You know she was really closeto our.
You know she lived with us, shehad a little apartment in our
basement and she was reallyclose to my kids and my family.
(09:33):
So it's, it's been like superhard for us and so I've
definitely pulled away from Goda little and I felt myself
trying to anyway, and I kind offeel like I don't know.
I mean, I know you guys havekids and do you know, like when
your kids were toddlers and theywere just overtired and pouty
(09:54):
and just whiny and they wereupset and they had all these
emotions, but they didn't reallyknow how to express it yet
because they're toddlers.
And I kind of feel like that'show God is looking at me right
now.
He's like, hey, I know you'rehurting, I'm going to let you
feel this, but he's standingthere, you know, like, hey, I'm
here, I'm going to be here foryou.
(10:15):
I know you have to feel thesethings and that's kind of what I
feel like.
I feel like I'm in the toddlerphase.
I feel like I'm in this.
I have all the emotions I don'tknow how to express it phase of
this grief, and, yeah, it'skind of like he's keeping me
safe.
But while I have these random,out of nowhere emotions, like
(10:43):
when I hear song or I dosomething, and I want to call
mom and say hey, mom, you'llnever believe this, and, like
there's been so many times, Iwant to pick up my phone because
we talked all day long.
I would call her and say you'llnever believe what this kid
just said.
And like recently there was oneand one of my kids said miss
Anna, can you milk a buffalo outof the blue, just out of the
blue in math class, miss Anna,can you milk a buffalo?
And I was like I have no ideaand I wanted to call my mom
(11:06):
instantly and go mom, can youmilk a buffalo?
And I couldn't, you know.
And then that made me mad, andso I'm just I know there's all
these phases and all theseemotions and things that I'm
going to feel and I don't feelalone in them and that's, that's
what's important.
Gianina (11:23):
Yeah, and I'm glad that you're allowing yourself to
feel those things and to gothrough those things and just be
honest with yourself about it,because I think that shows, if I
can say the word, maturitybecause that seems like a weird
word to use in this situation ofgrief Like it's just, I guess,
wise, it's a wisdom that God hasgiven you to know.
(11:46):
Okay, this isn't going to lastforever, but this is what I'm
feeling right now and I'm goingto allow myself to feel those
things.
Anna (11:53):
Yeah, old Anna would have got a bottle of wine every day
and pouted and cried and feltsorry for myself and really done
something stupid.
You know, like I can look backand see my progress and that
that definitely makes me feelbetter, that that I'm not going
back to those, to that, to thatold life and that old way of
(12:14):
thinking, and and I, instead ofturning to that bottle of wine,
I'm turning to the Lord and umand it's.
You know, it's not easy to gothrough these thoughts and these
emotions, but, gosh, drinkingthat bottle of wine would not
make anything better, and Goddoes you know, and it's just,
(12:37):
it's amazing to have a God thathas so much faithfulness, and
it's, it's just, it's such acomfort and a peace in the
middle of like a storm you knowyeah.
Kiley (12:55):
Well, and I love that you're able to remember, not
necessarily focus on, becauseyou you want to experience all
of it.
You don't want to suppress thehurt that you're feeling or the
anger that you're feeling, butthe fact that you were able to
recognize how many blessings yougot out of it.
And I'm sorry this hits reallyclose because we had some really
(13:18):
close family members pass awayfrom the same thing and it's
just an awful, awful thing to gothrough.
But we were able to see momentsthrough their stories that we
were able to focus on, that werestill positive.
And it's those ones that youwant to kind of cling to because
you know you were able to bethere for her.
(13:40):
As in you know, I don't thinkanybody, as as a child, wants to
be the caretaker for theirparent, but the fact that you
are close enough to be able tobe that for her, um, you know
that's huge in itself becausethere's some people that are not
that that close to their familymembers that they're not able
to do something like that.
(14:01):
You know the fact that she wasable to have that last Christmas
with you guys.
It is always amazing to me how,when somebody goes in with no
symptoms whatsoever, and thenthey get this diagnosis and it's
just bam.
You know, it's like how is it?
Just because I was officiallydiagnosed, and now everything's
gonna go downhill, like why doesit happen?
(14:22):
But I just I think it was sucha blessing for you guys to even
have that time Because, like yousaid, if it hadn't have been
diagnosed, she might not havehad that time.
And so you know, it's kind oflike you, you deal with the
cards or no you live with thecards, you've been dealt so and
and and.
So I think that you were givennot a great hand, but, oh, you
(14:46):
made the best out of what youhad with it and, like Gianina
said, this is not going to lastforever.
This pain isn't going to lastforever, this hurt isn't going
to last forever, and everythingwill be made right again.
Yeah, and that's just somethingthat we have to look forward to
and something that we need tojust focus on.
(15:06):
Sorry, I got whooped.
Anna (15:09):
Well, I mean, I prayed and prayed for her to be healed and
you know she was healed and Iwas just actually I haven't even
told you about this I wassitting on my porch and I was
waiting for mom's dog.
We have adopted, we didn'tadopt, we ended up with my mom's
(15:31):
little dog and we have a greatdane and then we have mom's
little like three-pound dog.
So it's a crazy little dynamicthat we have going on.
So I was waiting for mom's dogto use her bathroom and I'm just
sitting we live out in thecountry and I was just hearing
all these noises and thecrickets and all the things, or
the frogs we have some bullfrogsout in our yard and by the
(15:52):
creek and I can just hear allthe things and it was so
peaceful and it was so quiet andI just I was talking to the
Lord.
I was just like, lord, I needto hear from you.
I need to hear from you.
I need, like I need you rightnow.
I need to hear you, like I needto hear your voice.
And, um, when, when I heard him,he said this is this time, this
(16:14):
feeling that you're having.
What you don't understand isthat this is only a little
sliver of what is to come, andyou and your mother and all the
things that I have promised aregoing to come forth and you're
going to know it, but you justdon't understand it right now.
Think about all the things thatI cannot humanly comprehend and
(16:38):
that my mom's lifetime on thisearth was probably just a little
tiny, tiny, tiny little sliverof eternity, right?
And so I just it's hard for meto comprehend time, and I think
that's what God was saying, like, you guys here on earth have no
idea what time and what thiseternity is going to be like.
(17:01):
And that gave me comfort,because here I am, mourning my
mom not being with me, but toknow that there's something so
much greater, something so greatin fact, that I can't even
fathom it or comprehend it oreven picture it really Something
bigger than what I'm feelingright now.
And it did give me peace and Ifeel a lot better from that
(17:25):
moment.
But, yeah, if you just take thetime and listen, I think God is
speaking, and a lot of times Ihave so much noise in my head
that it's hard for me to hear.
I had to go out there and hangout with the bullfrog head that
it's hard for me to hear I hadto go out there and hang out
with the bullfrog.
Gianina (17:38):
Yeah, I just was reminded of the verse that says
hope deferred makes a heart sick.
And I think a lot of times whatwe do when we pray is our hope
almost is in the healing, or ourhope is in our faith or in our
prayers, and that's when thosethings aren't answered.
(17:59):
It makes our heart sick andthat's when we hurt and we
grieve.
But when we learn how to putthat hope in God, and that's so
hard it's so hard because I'vehad so many of those moments
where I'm praying so hard forsomething and then to say, okay,
but even if I trust you.
Even if this happens, I stillchoose to love you and I still
(18:22):
choose to trust you.
And it's so hard, but I thinkand this is a question that I
have, and I don't have theanswer to this, and I don't know
that you have the answer orthat there is a right answer but
what do you do when you prayfor something so hard and you
believe for something and youhave that faith?
I mean, really, you had tons ofpeople rallying behind you and
(18:45):
praying with you and the faithwas so strong.
And then, when that doesn'thappen, like what do you do in
that situation?
Anna (18:53):
Well, at first my natural response is to just be angry,
and I even shared this with you.
I know I did because I had thisthought of is hope even worth
it?
Because I spent all this timeand there were times that I was
literally the only person in myfamily that had hope, in my
(19:15):
family that had hope when we hadall these horrible things
coming back.
Oh, the cancer's back.
Oh, she's having seizures, oh,they're just focal seizures.
Oh there's this.
There were all these ups anddowns.
It was a roller coaster, but Ialways had hope.
And then when she woke up frombeing so because she had to be
(19:36):
when you're having seizures, oneof the things that they have to
do is give you so muchmedication to stop the seizures,
and she was on so muchmedication to stop her seizures
that we just didn't think shewas ever going to be able to
wake up without having a seizure.
And so you know when she didand she baffled everyone.
And actually I remember whenshe was in the ICU and the
nurses are coming in and sayingand actually I remember when she
(19:56):
was in ICU and the nurses arecoming in and saying you're just
not understanding.
And I said you are going towalk in here and you're going to
witness a miracle and I hopeyou're ready.
Gianina (20:05):
And.
Anna (20:05):
I actually said that.
And then the next day she wokeup and I was like whoa, this
happened.
And then, so I guess, becausethat happened, I just thought,
ok, ok, this is going to happen,she's going to be okay.
And then, when it didn't, I wasjust like wow, it didn't happen
.
And then I just couldn't fathom.
(20:25):
You know, I was exhausted fromhaving all that hope.
I think hope is exhausting,praying and believing, and just,
you know, you're kind of intriage mode.
You're like, okay, what do Ineed to do?
Okay, does she take hermedicine?
Okay, are her clothes clean?
Okay, does she have the rightkind of food?
You know cause, she had it.
You know, she, she was on likean eating schedule.
(20:46):
There were so many things thatit never occurred to me in some
of those moments that she wasnot going to live.
I mean, I knew eventually shewas going to die.
I knew that it was going tohappen.
I knew that her cancer was abad one.
But I thought, okay, we've gota year, maybe we've got two
years.
And you know when it didn'thappen.
I was just angry.
(21:06):
The other day, on the porch,god was just telling me that,
hey, she is healed.
You wouldn't want her there.
You wouldn't want her there.
You wouldn't want her theresuffering in this body, with
this tumor, with this lingering,just even, just if she didn't
(21:32):
have the tumor, even if she wasjust here waiting for our
earthly self to die and be withJesus.
And she's already there, likethat's done.
Why am I so angry that you knowthat she, that she got to be
finished?
Gianina (21:48):
And um that's hard.
Anna (21:49):
It's hard for me here on earth because I want my mama.
Who doesn't want their mama?
And you know, I'm I'm 40 yearsold and I, my mom, lived with me
and I have to say, you know shelived in our basement and I
have to like clarify that I didnot hold her hostage in the
basement, like she had her ownplace.
Um, but yeah, I mean, I I need,I need her and it's just gosh.
(22:11):
It's been so hard because youknow we've been together all of
our lives and she's because youknow we've been together all of
our lives and she's such a bigpart of who I am.
Kiley (22:24):
It's so hard because when we experience these, when we
experience these losses in ourlives, you know, like you said,
it is exhausting to have hope.
It's exhausting to just keeppraying and praying and praying
and then have it ultimately notseemingly not resolved or be
resolved here.
But one thing that I have cometo realize is that they are
(22:48):
healed and he, he has taken careof them.
He has answered our prayers.
It's just not in the way thatwe were wanting.
Right, His ways are better thanours.
He has bigger plans than we do,and when we've had multiple
people in our lives pass away Iwould say within the last 10
(23:08):
years some of them, I think, amajority of them actually being
from cancer and in those timeswe're praying for that loss.
But I know that they're fine.
(23:45):
So I think you're absolutelyright.
You know God has taken care ofyour mom.
She is good and she's madewhole.
She is exactly where she needsto be right now.
But I think that's the partwhere that's the whole reason
why we were doing this podcastis so that you know that you
have people surrounding you andyou're not walking this alone
(24:06):
and that God is with you and itsucks to not have your mom, I'm
sure.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't imagine that my mom isstill alive, but she's in
another state, so I don't seeher every day.
We talk through text messagebut I can't imagine how it would
be to have that happen, and soI just think if you just keep
(24:28):
reaching out to people, let themexperience that grief with you
but know that she is okay.
Anna (24:34):
Yeah, yeah.
That definitely makes me feelmore at peace and it definitely
softens the anger that I havefrom time to time, you know, and
I am thankful for the time thatI did have with my mom and for
the relationship that we had,cause not everybody has that you
know, not everybody can saythat their mother lived in their
(24:56):
basement.
Not everybody can say thattheir mother lived in their
basement.
Gianina (24:59):
I think you're the one that shared that quote, that
said something along the linesof grief is just love that has
nowhere to go, and it's likejust thinking about as much as
it sucks.
in a way, grief is a giftbecause it means that we had
something that we loved so muchthat we're grieving it Because,
(25:22):
like you said, not everybody hasthat.
In a way, like I think aboutpeople who numb their pain when
they are going through thingslike that, I would rather feel
it and experience that and knowthat I'm working through it and,
in a way, remember that personthan to just numb it with
(25:46):
something else.
Yeah, yeah.
Anna (25:49):
You're totally right, and if it's like you're not grieving
, then it's like you're not evenremembering them, you know.
I mean it's a good side.
If you're grieving, it's a goodthing?
Yeah, it's not, but it is, youknow.
it means that it means that youloved the person and and that,
you know, I so, in a way, Idon't want to stop grieving
(26:11):
because then it means that thatthat love might be fading or not
love, but that I don't want herto fade, and so I want to make
sure that she is remembered.
My family, thankfully with hertumor, my kids I was so worried
(26:33):
about my kids because my kidswere so close to her, especially
my daughter, and because shelived in our basement in the
summertime.
She pretty much stayed downthere all the time.
She slept down there, she hungout with mom, they watched
movies together.
My mom took her everywhere shewent, you know, and my daughter,
Avery, was just her littlebuddy, and so I was so worried
(26:54):
and I think that that's onereason why she fought so hard is
because she wanted to be ableto tell Avery, to be able to
talk to her, to be able to giveher time.
Yeah, when she was dying shedidn't want to open her eyes,
(27:15):
but she did when Avery came downthere and that just made my
heart so happy.
I think that Avery and my kidsreally mourned my mom after she
had that resection and she justwasn't waking up.
So I think that they had timeto understand that process, and
so I am thankful for that.
(27:37):
It wasn't just boom, my mom isno longer here.
I think that would have beengosh.
That would have been so muchworse.
Kiley (27:44):
Yeah, yeah, here.
I think that would have beengosh.
That would have been so muchworse.
Yeah, yeah, for someonelistening who is walking through
a similar valley right now.
What would you say to them toencourage them?
Anna (27:56):
I would say that nothing is permanent with God except for
Him.
Sometimes that's the only thingthat can keep the light in the
room when it's dark, becausesometimes there's like a whole
hurricane around you.
And there's a song that I was apart of writing and it says
(28:19):
here we Are Again, knee to Kneeand Face to Face, and there have
been times where you know, whenyou're about to have a serious
conversation with someone, Ifind myself knee to knee, face
to face.
Okay, it's just me and you.
And that song came from somereally dark times when there
(28:42):
were so many bad things circlingaround me and I could feel it
like I'm in the hurricane, likeI'm in the eye of it, and I
could see all these thingshappening and if I looked away,
I might get caught up in thatbad thing that's happening.
But God, just he put me thereand I could just sit there with
(29:05):
Jesus and look at him in hisface and he would just say, hey,
keep your eyes on me, don'tlook away.
I'm right here, look at me,don't look around, just look at
me and that's it.
I mean really that picture gotme through each day and just my
circle.
(29:25):
God gave me this community andyou know I had a lot of trust
issues, as we talked aboutearlier, and I didn't have a lot
of friends.
Gianina says that she's theextrovert and I'm the introvert
and the extroverts just adoptintroverts and that's kind of
what happened, because I don'treally have a lot of close
(29:46):
friends because of the trustthing, you know, and I'm so
thankful for the friends in mycircle and I can tell her things
that I am ashamed of, that are,that are cringy, that are gross
and I know she's not going tojudge me and I would just
encourage anyone listening thatif you're going through a tough
time, obviously you need to besitting knee to knee and face to
(30:10):
face with Jesus on a regularbasis because, like I said, you
know God is the only thingthat's permanent.
So all these things that arecircling around, they're going
to fade and then lean on yourfriends that are in your circle.
And there's this cool thing Idon't know if you guys have seen
it or heard about it, and Ijust saw a video about it.
(30:30):
I don't know what zoo it wasnow I can't remember, but in the
wild female elephants willcircle up, like they'll back up
and form a circle, yeah, likewhen a mother gives birth, and
then sometimes they'll like kickup dust to just mask the calf
scent and sometimes they'll justcircle up to celebrate.
And there's this video that Isaw and it happened in the zoo,
(30:54):
um, and in their elephantsanctuary area, and it was so
cool because there was anearthquake in san diego.
Yeah, did you see it?
Kiley (31:04):
I did, I did.
Oh, that was so cool, it'samazing.
Anna (31:09):
These creatures are so amazing, and I think that that's
what we need.
We need that circle, and I haveno doubt that this circle of
friends that I have is small,but God put each and every one
of them in my life and I knowthat they would circle up around
me and that's so important tofind that community and those
(31:32):
resources like we talked about.
You know, it's just, it's alldetrimental, nothing's permanent
except for God, and thateverything's just temporary, and
these are all seasons andthings are going to change, and
but God won't.
And that's what I, that's whatI hold on to when I'm feeling
all the things, and, of course,I call Gianina.
Gianina (31:55):
I'll just put my phone number in the comments of this
video and everybody can just,you know, just give me a call.
Kiley (32:05):
I think the lesson is to find yourself a Gianina who will
go circle around.
Anna (32:08):
She doesn't let me.
My natural instinct is to justbe alone, because introverts
they recover being alone, andshe doesn't let me retreat into
that bad place.
I mean, obviously she's notcalling me every minute and
going, but she texts on me andit's almost like she's got
calling me every minute andgoing but she texts on me and
she is almost like she's gotthis instinct, or maybe even God
(32:29):
tells her because I'mthoroughly convinced that he
does because in the moments thatshe texts me or calls me, it's
usually in a moment where Ineeded her to and I just didn't
reach out.
And so I that that always getsme in trouble, retreating into
myself and hiding anddissociating, and that just
opens up, like this wound, thisspace that the enemy can crawl
(32:54):
into.
And that's when those thoughtshappen, that's when those OCD
thoughts happen, that's when Istart to second guess myself and
start to have negativeself-talk.
Second guess myself and startto have negative self-talk and
all those things can sneak inand fester and can be a cancer
to my mental health and to myheart.
And I'm so thankful for that.
(33:14):
And yeah, nobody else can havemy Gianina but you, Kiley.
Gianina (33:18):
So well, let me ask this because I know Kiley had
some friends who had asked us toask some of our guests this
question.
When they're dealing withthings, is what does that
practically look like?
Like the elephant thing?
What does that practically looklike in your friend circle?
If somebody has a friend who isgrieving or going through a
difficult time, what does itlook like for somebody to be
(33:41):
there for them in an effectiveway?
Anna (33:43):
Well, I think not trying to fix it is a really good
starting point, like G has neveronce tried to just take it away
, and I think, just listening,and sometimes not even talking
about it at all, I mean I craveso much normalcy, like we went
(34:05):
and hung out and we got, youknow, we got a pedicure, and
that's not something that we dovery often.
I don't think we've ever donethat together, like that was
such a you know that felt normal, even though, like I said, we
don't regularly do that and Ithink it was for my birthday.
But just having these regularconversations, and then when I
have a moment where I want totalk about it, she listens and
(34:26):
she goes yeah, you know, andthen she will encourage me a lot
with scripture and basicallyjust reassuring me that it's
going to be okay, that it's aseason and that, um, maybe just
asking me about my mom, likewhat was so amazing about her,
talking about her and not notthe cancer, not the bad times,
(34:48):
not the not that part.
That part's really hard andtriggering, like I got all of my
mom's medical equipment andlike trashed them.
I was like I do not ever wantto see this again, and so that
that's.
And she, you know, she's justsupportive.
And she, you know, she's justsupportive.
What I think people's naturalresponse is to say things like
(35:09):
oh, she's in a better place.
You know, everything happensfor a reason.
Oh gosh, that's the often one.
And you know, like I don't wantto think that this happened for
a reason, I don't want to thinkthat my mom got cancer for a
reason, Right, for a reason.
I don't want to think that mymom got cancer for a reason.
(35:29):
I mean, even if it was a reason, like I don't.
I don't want someone thatdidn't know my mom very well
anyway to tell me that.
Gianina (35:35):
I think sometimes, literally, I just you'll tell me
a situation and I'm like, yeah,that that really sucks.
It just sucks, it's just, it'sawful, and I hate it and I'm
sorry, and instead of being like, well, I think it's because of
this, and I think that you know,that's kind of the trying to
fix it thing and trying to makeyou feel better, but honestly,
sometimes it's like, well, itjust it just sucks.
(35:56):
And I hate it and I this.
I hate death and I hate cancerand all of this just sucks.
Anna (36:02):
You can't fix it.
There is absolutely no fixingit Like it's, there's no fixing
it.
It will never be fixed.
And it won't be fixed until Ifully understand what it's like
where my mom is right now and II'm okay with that.
I mean, like I said, you knowgrief, grief is, is good and
(36:24):
it's bad.
But like, yeah, just supporting, supporting without trying to
fix it, is like is gold, you'vegot to do that, or you're just
going to push, you're just goingto, and I had so much guilt,
like I wish I hadn't done thisto mom, or I wish I hadn't said
that, or I wish I would havedone that, and then I would feel
(36:45):
guilty for feeling how I felt.
I felt guilty for being mad andG's just over here going yeah,
you know, it's okay to feelthose things, like it's
completely fine to feel it youknow, and that makes me feel a
lot better to know that someoneis out there listening to me and
understands what I'm goingthrough and is not trying to fix
(37:10):
me.
It's just listening to me andyou know my husband wants to fix
me and it's been really hardfor him to support me, I think,
because he just sees me hurt andcrying and he just wants to
take it away.
And then G's over here knowingshe can't take it away and I
think that's just.
That's a different kind ofsupport, not that Jon's not
(37:30):
supporting me, but I think shejust understands in a different
kind of way and I'm so thankfulfor that.
Gianina (37:39):
Yeah.
Anna (37:39):
Well, I love you.
I love you G.
Gianina (37:44):
I would love it, if you don't mind praying for our
listeners, if there's anyonewho's kind of going through that
grief process or just I thinkspecifically if there's anyone
who just doesn't see a way out.
They have that hurricane that'shappening around them and
(38:05):
they're just focused on all ofthe chaos and things happening
rather than centering andfocusing on Jesus, and maybe
they don't even know how to dothat.
They don't know how to find Hisface.
Anna (38:17):
If you don't mind praying for that person Of course, God,
I just want to thank you foryour faithfulness and your mercy
, thank you for loving us whenwe don't know how to love
ourselves, and thank you for thepeace inside the storm.
I pray for the person who hearsthis and has something to let go
of I mean really let go of,like something so strong and old
(38:41):
that they think it's just partof who they are, and I pray that
you would open up the way toshow them who they are in your
eye.
I pray for the person who isjust grieving and they don't.
Maybe they don't know how togrieve, maybe they don't
understand what's happening orwhat they're going through.
(39:02):
What they're going through, butI pray that you would just lay
your hand on them and just bethat solid rock in the moment of
chaos and lift them up and helpthis weight be weightless, and
I pray that they would keeptheir eyes on you and that they
would remember to just look atyou whenever they feel that
(39:26):
storm around them.
Lord, I thank you so much formothers and best friends and
wounds that heal, and thank youfor being that permanent thing
in this temporary, awfulexistence sometimes that
(39:48):
surrounds us.
We love you.
Kiley (39:50):
Amen, amen, amen.
Anna, thank you so much.
I'm so glad we got to do this.
You just have a beautiful heart.
Anna (40:00):
Yeah, thanks for having me .
I'm so glad I got to meet you.
I mean, you know, talk to you.
Kiley (40:05):
We can now be the three best friends that anyone ever
has had.
Anna (40:10):
Yeah, you said reckon.
I like that, that's great.
Kiley (40:14):
What a powerful, powerful conversation.
Anna's vulnerability, strengthand faith are such a beautiful
reminder that healing oftencomes slowly but surely through
worship, community and God'stiming, from a place of deep
pain to a life rooted in purpose.
Anna's story encourages us totrust the process and keep
(40:35):
walking.
If Emma's testimony touchedyour heart today, we'd love it
if you'd share this episode witha friend.
And don't forget to subscribeso you never miss a story of
hope in the Valley.
Until next time, keep walkingthrough.
Welcome back to Walk Through.
If you joined us for part oneof Anna's story, you know just
how powerful her journey hasbeen so far.
In that episode, we heard aboutthe beginning of her walk
through grief, faith andunexpected turns life can take.
Today, in part two, we'recontinuing that conversation,
diving even deeper into themoments that tested her faith,
(00:21):
the people who walked alongsideher and the unexpected ways God
showed up in the valley.
If you're walking throughsomething hard right now, this
is for you.
You are not alone.
Let's step back into Anna'sstory and see how the light kept
breaking through.
Let's dive in.
Well, I would love, Anna I knowthat this season particularly
(00:45):
has been more of a difficultseason for you and your family
and just some of the things thatyou've walked through this
season.
If you are open to it and ifyou'd be willing, I would love
for you just to share what thathas looked like.
Anna (00:59):
Yeah, well, my mother passed away February 17th of
2025 this year and I wasdevastated.
I mean, I wasn't devastated, Iam devastated.
It hasn't been easy to figureout life without having my
(01:25):
parents, because I lost my dadand so I'm an orphan and that's
been really hard to navigatelife without my person.
But, yeah, I was her baby.
My sister is 12 years olderthan me.
We were really close.
She was a single mom, so happy,obviously, that I was born.
(01:50):
It wasn't like a bad accident,but you know, she supported me
(02:11):
through all like my musicaladventures and every crazy like
garage band that I was in, evenwhen we were absolutely horribly
awful and practiced in ourgarage like literally garage
band.
And you know she, she showed upto every gig, every show, every
(02:31):
gig, every event, and I reliedon her for a lot of my well,
just support, for, you know, forconfidence, for she was kind of
like my cheerleader and evenrecently, you know, she would
come to church or, if shecouldn't make it to church, she
would always watch online when Iwould lead worship and she also
(02:56):
supported my fitness studioventure, Like she would come to
class.
She was 72 this year.
So you know she, she saw me andshe believed in me when nobody
else did and, um, yeah, so she,she was also, like, really
(03:16):
famous for her fried pies.
I don't know if you have youever had a fried pie, Kiley.
Kiley (03:22):
I have not have, you have you, janina?
Gianina (03:25):
I don't know that I have not.
Have you.
Have you, Gianina?
I don't know that I have.
Actually, I've been in theSouth for so long, but I don't
think I've ever had one.
Kiley (03:31):
I mean I've had like.
I've had like the apple piesfrom McDonald's.
I don't know if that's.
Anna (03:35):
Oh my goodness, no, that's nothing like it.
Oh my goodness.
So it's like it's like pie,like dough, but it's homemade
pie dough.
And then you just like make alittle circle and then she would
put the filling inside it andthen crimp it down with like a
fork and then you literally deepfry it and yeah, it's anything
like that.
Deep fried is so good, butanyway, yeah it, and she was.
(03:57):
She was so good at that.
Um, she was so good at so manythings.
You, you know, I'm kind of ahippie and so my mom raised me
that way.
She's kind of that way too, andshe's just different.
And she raised me to bedifferent and just always
accepted me and really pushed meto be different.
I'm from a really small town,and sometimes in a small town in
(04:20):
the South everybody kind ofwants to be the same and I was
kind of the weirdo kid and atfirst it was, it was difficult,
but now I'm like, yes, I'm soglad I was different.
But I we lost her in Februaryfrom glioblastoma and it was
like a complete surprise.
It was an accident.
(04:44):
She went to the doctor forsomething totally different.
She didn't even have anysymptoms really that we knew of
yeah, there's this huge, massivepear sized tumor on her frontal
lobe and it just it shocked usand she died 90 days from
(05:04):
the—exactly.
I counted it up, I actuallyGoogled it, but 90 days from the
day it was discovered to theday she died.
Man, that's one I'm dealingwith still, of course, because
it's so fresh, but it was a veryshort battle and I had so much
hope.
I legitimately thought that Godwas going to heal her.
(05:26):
And I know glioblastoma is likea massive, aggressive terminal
cancer.
You can do treatments andthings like that.
It's going to come back.
I don't know.
I had this thought that God wasjust going to heal her and I
prayed for it, we prayed for it,we prayed for it and God did.
(05:47):
You know, we had so manydifferent miracles, like she,
after her surgery, she was justshe was not waking up.
And then she woke up, you know,and that was like everyone was
so surprised, the doctors andneurologists.
They were like, oh, we need toput her on palliative care,
hospice, she's going to die.
And then she woke up and thenwe were able to have Christmas
(06:09):
with her and that was such ablessing.
And then after Christmas, herhealth just started to
deteriorate and really her tumorhad started to grow back that
quickly and so that was just it.
Within three days of puttingher on hospice, she was gone.
I became such a caregiver that,like not helping her, giving her
(06:33):
oxygen when I knew her oxygenwas low and giving her her
seizure medication when I knewit was due and I know from your,
you know knew it was due.
And I know from your, you knowfrom your episode, I'm sure you
know about seizure medicationand things like that how
important it is to take it atthe right time every day.
And you know those were thingsI had to think about all the
(06:55):
time.
And helping her get to therestroom, and those are all
things that she didn't do beforethis tumor.
We found it and so we went intothe doctor, found the tumor,
resected it and she was acompletely different person.
So when it was time for her topass away, not doing those
(07:16):
things, I just felt so wrong.
It felt like we were killingher.
You know, like there's a fineline between letting someone
pass and then killing her, andlike like there's a fine line
between letting someone pass andthen killing her, and like that
was something that I just couldnot.
I could not figure out.
You know my brain.
I feel like, oh, I know heroxygen is dropping, let's give
her more.
(07:36):
Oh, her, you know she's spikinga fever, let's give her more,
let's give her something forthat.
And, honestly, those are thingsthat just happen when someone
dies, and so that was reallyhard for me as her caregiver,
yeah, and as her daughter, Imean that's yeah.
Gianina (07:52):
I couldn't imagine being in that situation, you
know?
Yeah.
Anna (07:56):
And then now, I think the emotion I'm feeling right now is
just bitterness, not towardsher or God, just mad, just
because she was so happy andvibrant, and you know, just, and
then, just one day, it's oh, bythe way, you have this tumor
and it's, you know, it's, it's areally bad, it's the worst kind
(08:17):
of cancer you can possibly have.
And you have it and, um, youknow, and that was just such a
shock, I mean I can rememberJanina was at her house and I
was like Janina, I don't knowMom's been acting a little
different and you know, wethought maybe she had a UTI and
she was being confused, and so,and then we took her to the
doctor for a UTI, and she didhave a UTI and I guess, just to
(08:41):
be on the safe side, they did aCT scan and there it was.
You know I'm thankful that itwas found, because if it hadn't
been, if there was so muchpressure in her brain, she
probably wouldn't have livedvery much longer, and then we
wouldn't have been able to haveher for Christmas, we wouldn't
have been able to have her for alonger period of time.
But yeah, I guess I find myselfbeing angry when, like one of
(09:09):
my friends recently their motherhad a birthday and she turned
80 and she was like, oh, we'regoing to have this party and
yada, yada, yada.
And I'm just over here like mad, not at her or her precious
mother, I'm just like man, Iwanted to have that.
You know she was really closeto our.
You know she lived with us, shehad a little apartment in our
basement and she was reallyclose to my kids and my family.
(09:33):
So it's, it's been like superhard for us and so I've
definitely pulled away from Goda little and I felt myself
trying to anyway, and I kind offeel like I don't know.
I mean, I know you guys havekids and do you know, like when
your kids were toddlers and theywere just overtired and pouty
(09:54):
and just whiny and they wereupset and they had all these
emotions, but they didn't reallyknow how to express it yet
because they're toddlers.
And I kind of feel like that'show God is looking at me right
now.
He's like, hey, I know you'rehurting, I'm going to let you
feel this, but he's standingthere, you know, like, hey, I'm
here, I'm going to be here foryou.
(10:15):
I know you have to feel thesethings and that's kind of what I
feel like.
I feel like I'm in the toddlerphase.
I feel like I'm in this.
I have all the emotions I don'tknow how to express it phase of
this grief, and, yeah, it'skind of like he's keeping me
safe.
But while I have these random,out of nowhere emotions, like
(10:43):
when I hear song or I dosomething, and I want to call
mom and say hey, mom, you'llnever believe this, and, like
there's been so many times, Iwant to pick up my phone because
we talked all day long.
I would call her and say you'llnever believe what this kid
just said.
And like recently there was oneand one of my kids said miss
Anna, can you milk a buffalo outof the blue, just out of the
blue in math class, miss Anna,can you milk a buffalo?
And I was like I have no ideaand I wanted to call my mom
(11:06):
instantly and go mom, can youmilk a buffalo?
And I couldn't, you know.
And then that made me mad, andso I'm just I know there's all
these phases and all theseemotions and things that I'm
going to feel and I don't feelalone in them and that's, that's
what's important.
Gianina (11:23):
Yeah, and I'm glad that you're allowing yourself to
feel those things and to gothrough those things and just be
honest with yourself about it,because I think that shows, if I
can say the word, maturitybecause that seems like a weird
word to use in this situation ofgrief Like it's just, I guess,
wise, it's a wisdom that God hasgiven you to know.
(11:46):
Okay, this isn't going to lastforever, but this is what I'm
feeling right now and I'm goingto allow myself to feel those
things.
Anna (11:53):
Yeah, old Anna would have got a bottle of wine every day
and pouted and cried and feltsorry for myself and really done
something stupid.
You know, like I can look backand see my progress and that
that definitely makes me feelbetter, that that I'm not going
back to those, to that, to thatold life and that old way of
(12:14):
thinking, and and I, instead ofturning to that bottle of wine,
I'm turning to the Lord and umand it's.
You know, it's not easy to gothrough these thoughts and these
emotions, but, gosh, drinkingthat bottle of wine would not
make anything better, and Goddoes you know, and it's just,
(12:37):
it's amazing to have a God thathas so much faithfulness, and
it's, it's just, it's such acomfort and a peace in the
middle of like a storm you knowyeah.
Kiley (12:55):
Well, and I love that you're able to remember, not
necessarily focus on, becauseyou you want to experience all
of it.
You don't want to suppress thehurt that you're feeling or the
anger that you're feeling, butthe fact that you were able to
recognize how many blessings yougot out of it.
And I'm sorry this hits reallyclose because we had some really
(13:18):
close family members pass awayfrom the same thing and it's
just an awful, awful thing to gothrough.
But we were able to see momentsthrough their stories that we
were able to focus on, that werestill positive.
And it's those ones that youwant to kind of cling to because
you know you were able to bethere for her.
(13:40):
As in you know, I don't thinkanybody, as as a child, wants to
be the caretaker for theirparent, but the fact that you
are close enough to be able tobe that for her, um, you know
that's huge in itself becausethere's some people that are not
that that close to their familymembers that they're not able
to do something like that.
(14:01):
You know the fact that she wasable to have that last Christmas
with you guys.
It is always amazing to me how,when somebody goes in with no
symptoms whatsoever, and thenthey get this diagnosis and it's
just bam.
You know, it's like how is it?
Just because I was officiallydiagnosed, and now everything's
gonna go downhill, like why doesit happen?
(14:22):
But I just I think it was sucha blessing for you guys to even
have that time Because, like yousaid, if it hadn't have been
diagnosed, she might not havehad that time.
And so you know, it's kind oflike you, you deal with the
cards or no you live with thecards, you've been dealt so and
and and.
So I think that you were givennot a great hand, but, oh, you
(14:46):
made the best out of what youhad with it and, like Gianina
said, this is not going to lastforever.
This pain isn't going to lastforever, this hurt isn't going
to last forever, and everythingwill be made right again.
Yeah, and that's just somethingthat we have to look forward to
and something that we need tojust focus on.
(15:06):
Sorry, I got whooped.
Anna (15:09):
Well, I mean, I prayed and prayed for her to be healed and
you know she was healed and Iwas just actually I haven't even
told you about this I wassitting on my porch and I was
waiting for mom's dog.
We have adopted, we didn'tadopt, we ended up with my mom's
(15:31):
little dog and we have a greatdane and then we have mom's
little like three-pound dog.
So it's a crazy little dynamicthat we have going on.
So I was waiting for mom's dogto use her bathroom and I'm just
sitting we live out in thecountry and I was just hearing
all these noises and thecrickets and all the things, or
the frogs we have some bullfrogsout in our yard and by the
(15:52):
creek and I can just hear allthe things and it was so
peaceful and it was so quiet andI just I was talking to the
Lord.
I was just like, lord, I needto hear from you.
I need to hear from you.
I need, like I need you rightnow.
I need to hear you, like I needto hear your voice.
And, um, when, when I heard him,he said this is this time, this
(16:14):
feeling that you're having.
What you don't understand isthat this is only a little
sliver of what is to come, andyou and your mother and all the
things that I have promised aregoing to come forth and you're
going to know it, but you justdon't understand it right now.
Think about all the things thatI cannot humanly comprehend and
(16:38):
that my mom's lifetime on thisearth was probably just a little
tiny, tiny, tiny little sliverof eternity, right?
And so I just it's hard for meto comprehend time, and I think
that's what God was saying, like, you guys here on earth have no
idea what time and what thiseternity is going to be like.
(17:01):
And that gave me comfort,because here I am, mourning my
mom not being with me, but toknow that there's something so
much greater, something so greatin fact, that I can't even
fathom it or comprehend it oreven picture it really Something
bigger than what I'm feelingright now.
And it did give me peace and Ifeel a lot better from that
(17:25):
moment.
But, yeah, if you just take thetime and listen, I think God is
speaking, and a lot of times Ihave so much noise in my head
that it's hard for me to hear.
I had to go out there and hangout with the bullfrog head that
it's hard for me to hear I hadto go out there and hang out
with the bullfrog.
Gianina (17:38):
Yeah, I just was reminded of the verse that says
hope deferred makes a heart sick.
And I think a lot of times whatwe do when we pray is our hope
almost is in the healing, or ourhope is in our faith or in our
prayers, and that's when thosethings aren't answered.
(17:59):
It makes our heart sick andthat's when we hurt and we
grieve.
But when we learn how to putthat hope in God, and that's so
hard it's so hard because I'vehad so many of those moments
where I'm praying so hard forsomething and then to say, okay,
but even if I trust you.
Even if this happens, I stillchoose to love you and I still
(18:22):
choose to trust you.
And it's so hard, but I thinkand this is a question that I
have, and I don't have theanswer to this, and I don't know
that you have the answer orthat there is a right answer but
what do you do when you prayfor something so hard and you
believe for something and youhave that faith?
I mean, really, you had tons ofpeople rallying behind you and
(18:45):
praying with you and the faithwas so strong.
And then, when that doesn'thappen, like what do you do in
that situation?
Anna (18:53):
Well, at first my natural response is to just be angry,
and I even shared this with you.
I know I did because I had thisthought of is hope even worth
it?
Because I spent all this timeand there were times that I was
literally the only person in myfamily that had hope, in my
(19:15):
family that had hope when we hadall these horrible things
coming back.
Oh, the cancer's back.
Oh, she's having seizures, oh,they're just focal seizures.
Oh there's this.
There were all these ups anddowns.
It was a roller coaster, but Ialways had hope.
And then when she woke up frombeing so because she had to be
(19:36):
when you're having seizures, oneof the things that they have to
do is give you so muchmedication to stop the seizures,
and she was on so muchmedication to stop her seizures
that we just didn't think shewas ever going to be able to
wake up without having a seizure.
And so you know when she didand she baffled everyone.
And actually I remember whenshe was in the ICU and the
nurses are coming in and sayingand actually I remember when she
(19:56):
was in ICU and the nurses arecoming in and saying you're just
not understanding.
And I said you are going towalk in here and you're going to
witness a miracle and I hopeyou're ready.
Gianina (20:05):
And.
Anna (20:05):
I actually said that.
And then the next day she wokeup and I was like whoa, this
happened.
And then, so I guess, becausethat happened, I just thought,
ok, ok, this is going to happen,she's going to be okay.
And then, when it didn't, I wasjust like wow, it didn't happen
.
And then I just couldn't fathom.
(20:25):
You know, I was exhausted fromhaving all that hope.
I think hope is exhausting,praying and believing, and just,
you know, you're kind of intriage mode.
You're like, okay, what do Ineed to do?
Okay, does she take hermedicine?
Okay, are her clothes clean?
Okay, does she have the rightkind of food?
You know cause, she had it.
You know, she, she was on likean eating schedule.
(20:46):
There were so many things thatit never occurred to me in some
of those moments that she wasnot going to live.
I mean, I knew eventually shewas going to die.
I knew that it was going tohappen.
I knew that her cancer was abad one.
But I thought, okay, we've gota year, maybe we've got two
years.
And you know when it didn'thappen.
I was just angry.
(21:06):
The other day, on the porch,god was just telling me that,
hey, she is healed.
You wouldn't want her there.
You wouldn't want her there.
You wouldn't want her theresuffering in this body, with
this tumor, with this lingering,just even, just if she didn't
(21:32):
have the tumor, even if she wasjust here waiting for our
earthly self to die and be withJesus.
And she's already there, likethat's done.
Why am I so angry that you knowthat she, that she got to be
finished?
Gianina (21:48):
And um that's hard.
Anna (21:49):
It's hard for me here on earth because I want my mama.
Who doesn't want their mama?
And you know, I'm I'm 40 yearsold and I, my mom, lived with me
and I have to say, you know shelived in our basement and I
have to like clarify that I didnot hold her hostage in the
basement, like she had her ownplace.
Um, but yeah, I mean, I I need,I need her and it's just gosh.
(22:11):
It's been so hard because youknow we've been together all of
our lives and she's because youknow we've been together all of
our lives and she's such a bigpart of who I am.
Kiley (22:24):
It's so hard because when we experience these, when we
experience these losses in ourlives, you know, like you said,
it is exhausting to have hope.
It's exhausting to just keeppraying and praying and praying
and then have it ultimately notseemingly not resolved or be
resolved here.
But one thing that I have cometo realize is that they are
(22:48):
healed and he, he has taken careof them.
He has answered our prayers.
It's just not in the way thatwe were wanting.
Right, His ways are better thanours.
He has bigger plans than we do,and when we've had multiple
people in our lives pass away Iwould say within the last 10
(23:08):
years some of them, I think, amajority of them actually being
from cancer and in those timeswe're praying for that loss.
But I know that they're fine.
(23:45):
So I think you're absolutelyright.
You know God has taken care ofyour mom.
She is good and she's madewhole.
She is exactly where she needsto be right now.
But I think that's the partwhere that's the whole reason
why we were doing this podcastis so that you know that you
have people surrounding you andyou're not walking this alone
(24:06):
and that God is with you and itsucks to not have your mom, I'm
sure.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't imagine that my mom isstill alive, but she's in
another state, so I don't seeher every day.
We talk through text messagebut I can't imagine how it would
be to have that happen, and soI just think if you just keep
(24:28):
reaching out to people, let themexperience that grief with you
but know that she is okay.
Anna (24:34):
Yeah, yeah.
That definitely makes me feelmore at peace and it definitely
softens the anger that I havefrom time to time, you know, and
I am thankful for the time thatI did have with my mom and for
the relationship that we had,cause not everybody has that you
know, not everybody can saythat their mother lived in their
(24:56):
basement.
Not everybody can say thattheir mother lived in their
basement.
Gianina (24:59):
I think you're the one that shared that quote, that
said something along the linesof grief is just love that has
nowhere to go, and it's likejust thinking about as much as
it sucks.
in a way, grief is a giftbecause it means that we had
something that we loved so muchthat we're grieving it Because,
(25:22):
like you said, not everybody hasthat.
In a way, like I think aboutpeople who numb their pain when
they are going through thingslike that, I would rather feel
it and experience that and knowthat I'm working through it and,
in a way, remember that personthan to just numb it with
(25:46):
something else.
Yeah, yeah.
Anna (25:49):
You're totally right, and if it's like you're not grieving
, then it's like you're not evenremembering them, you know.
I mean it's a good side.
If you're grieving, it's a goodthing?
Yeah, it's not, but it is, youknow.
it means that it means that youloved the person and and that,
you know, I so, in a way, Idon't want to stop grieving
(26:11):
because then it means that thatthat love might be fading or not
love, but that I don't want herto fade, and so I want to make
sure that she is remembered.
My family, thankfully with hertumor, my kids I was so worried
(26:33):
about my kids because my kidswere so close to her, especially
my daughter, and because shelived in our basement in the
summertime.
She pretty much stayed downthere all the time.
She slept down there, she hungout with mom, they watched
movies together.
My mom took her everywhere shewent, you know, and my daughter,
Avery, was just her littlebuddy, and so I was so worried
(26:54):
and I think that that's onereason why she fought so hard is
because she wanted to be ableto tell Avery, to be able to
talk to her, to be able to giveher time.
Yeah, when she was dying shedidn't want to open her eyes,
(27:15):
but she did when Avery came downthere and that just made my
heart so happy.
I think that Avery and my kidsreally mourned my mom after she
had that resection and she justwasn't waking up.
So I think that they had timeto understand that process, and
so I am thankful for that.
(27:37):
It wasn't just boom, my mom isno longer here.
I think that would have beengosh.
That would have been so muchworse.
Kiley (27:44):
Yeah, yeah, here.
I think that would have beengosh.
That would have been so muchworse.
Yeah, yeah, for someonelistening who is walking through
a similar valley right now.
What would you say to them toencourage them?
Anna (27:56):
I would say that nothing is permanent with God except for
Him.
Sometimes that's the only thingthat can keep the light in the
room when it's dark, becausesometimes there's like a whole
hurricane around you.
And there's a song that I was apart of writing and it says
(28:19):
here we Are Again, knee to Kneeand Face to Face, and there have
been times where you know, whenyou're about to have a serious
conversation with someone, Ifind myself knee to knee, face
to face.
Okay, it's just me and you.
And that song came from somereally dark times when there
(28:42):
were so many bad things circlingaround me and I could feel it
like I'm in the hurricane, likeI'm in the eye of it, and I
could see all these thingshappening and if I looked away,
I might get caught up in thatbad thing that's happening.
But God, just he put me thereand I could just sit there with
(29:05):
Jesus and look at him in hisface and he would just say, hey,
keep your eyes on me, don'tlook away.
I'm right here, look at me,don't look around, just look at
me and that's it.
I mean really that picture gotme through each day and just my
circle.
(29:25):
God gave me this community andyou know I had a lot of trust
issues, as we talked aboutearlier, and I didn't have a lot
of friends.
Gianina says that she's theextrovert and I'm the introvert
and the extroverts just adoptintroverts and that's kind of
what happened, because I don'treally have a lot of close
(29:46):
friends because of the trustthing, you know, and I'm so
thankful for the friends in mycircle and I can tell her things
that I am ashamed of, that are,that are cringy, that are gross
and I know she's not going tojudge me and I would just
encourage anyone listening thatif you're going through a tough
time, obviously you need to besitting knee to knee and face to
(30:10):
face with Jesus on a regularbasis because, like I said, you
know God is the only thingthat's permanent.
So all these things that arecircling around, they're going
to fade and then lean on yourfriends that are in your circle.
And there's this cool thing Idon't know if you guys have seen
it or heard about it, and Ijust saw a video about it.
(30:30):
I don't know what zoo it wasnow I can't remember, but in the
wild female elephants willcircle up, like they'll back up
and form a circle, yeah, likewhen a mother gives birth, and
then sometimes they'll like kickup dust to just mask the calf
scent and sometimes they'll justcircle up to celebrate.
And there's this video that Isaw and it happened in the zoo,
(30:54):
um, and in their elephantsanctuary area, and it was so
cool because there was anearthquake in san diego.
Yeah, did you see it?
Kiley (31:04):
I did, I did.
Oh, that was so cool, it'samazing.
Anna (31:09):
These creatures are so amazing, and I think that that's
what we need.
We need that circle, and I haveno doubt that this circle of
friends that I have is small,but God put each and every one
of them in my life and I knowthat they would circle up around
me and that's so important tofind that community and those
(31:32):
resources like we talked about.
You know, it's just, it's alldetrimental, nothing's permanent
except for God, and thateverything's just temporary, and
these are all seasons andthings are going to change, and
but God won't.
And that's what I, that's whatI hold on to when I'm feeling
all the things, and, of course,I call Gianina.
Gianina (31:55):
I'll just put my phone number in the comments of this
video and everybody can just,you know, just give me a call.
Kiley (32:05):
I think the lesson is to find yourself a Gianina who will
go circle around.
Anna (32:08):
She doesn't let me.
My natural instinct is to justbe alone, because introverts
they recover being alone, andshe doesn't let me retreat into
that bad place.
I mean, obviously she's notcalling me every minute and
going, but she texts on me andit's almost like she's got
calling me every minute andgoing but she texts on me and
she is almost like she's gotthis instinct, or maybe even God
(32:29):
tells her because I'mthoroughly convinced that he
does because in the moments thatshe texts me or calls me, it's
usually in a moment where Ineeded her to and I just didn't
reach out.
And so I that that always getsme in trouble, retreating into
myself and hiding anddissociating, and that just
opens up, like this wound, thisspace that the enemy can crawl
(32:54):
into.
And that's when those thoughtshappen, that's when those OCD
thoughts happen, that's when Istart to second guess myself and
start to have negativeself-talk.
Second guess myself and startto have negative self-talk and
all those things can sneak inand fester and can be a cancer
to my mental health and to myheart.
And I'm so thankful for that.
(33:14):
And yeah, nobody else can havemy Gianina but you, Kiley.
Gianina (33:18):
So well, let me ask this because I know Kiley had
some friends who had asked us toask some of our guests this
question.
When they're dealing withthings, is what does that
practically look like?
Like the elephant thing?
What does that practically looklike in your friend circle?
If somebody has a friend who isgrieving or going through a
difficult time, what does itlook like for somebody to be
(33:41):
there for them in an effectiveway?
Anna (33:43):
Well, I think not trying to fix it is a really good
starting point, like G has neveronce tried to just take it away
, and I think, just listening,and sometimes not even talking
about it at all, I mean I craveso much normalcy, like we went
(34:05):
and hung out and we got, youknow, we got a pedicure, and
that's not something that we dovery often.
I don't think we've ever donethat together, like that was
such a you know that felt normal, even though, like I said, we
don't regularly do that and Ithink it was for my birthday.
But just having these regularconversations, and then when I
have a moment where I want totalk about it, she listens and
(34:26):
she goes yeah, you know, andthen she will encourage me a lot
with scripture and basicallyjust reassuring me that it's
going to be okay, that it's aseason and that, um, maybe just
asking me about my mom, likewhat was so amazing about her,
talking about her and not notthe cancer, not the bad times,
(34:48):
not the not that part.
That part's really hard andtriggering, like I got all of my
mom's medical equipment andlike trashed them.
I was like I do not ever wantto see this again, and so that
that's.
And she, you know, she's justsupportive.
And she, you know, she's justsupportive.
What I think people's naturalresponse is to say things like
(35:09):
oh, she's in a better place.
You know, everything happensfor a reason.
Oh gosh, that's the often one.
And you know, like I don't wantto think that this happened for
a reason, I don't want to thinkthat my mom got cancer for a
reason, Right, for a reason.
I don't want to think that mymom got cancer for a reason.
(35:29):
I mean, even if it was a reason, like I don't.
I don't want someone thatdidn't know my mom very well
anyway to tell me that.
Gianina (35:35):
I think sometimes, literally, I just you'll tell me
a situation and I'm like, yeah,that that really sucks.
It just sucks, it's just, it'sawful, and I hate it and I'm
sorry, and instead of being like, well, I think it's because of
this, and I think that you know,that's kind of the trying to
fix it thing and trying to makeyou feel better, but honestly,
sometimes it's like, well, itjust it just sucks.
(35:56):
And I hate it and I this.
I hate death and I hate cancerand all of this just sucks.
Anna (36:02):
You can't fix it.
There is absolutely no fixingit Like it's, there's no fixing
it.
It will never be fixed.
And it won't be fixed until Ifully understand what it's like
where my mom is right now and II'm okay with that.
I mean, like I said, you knowgrief, grief is, is good and
(36:24):
it's bad.
But like, yeah, just supporting, supporting without trying to
fix it, is like is gold, you'vegot to do that, or you're just
going to push, you're just goingto, and I had so much guilt,
like I wish I hadn't done thisto mom, or I wish I hadn't said
that, or I wish I would havedone that, and then I would feel
(36:45):
guilty for feeling how I felt.
I felt guilty for being mad andG's just over here going yeah,
you know, it's okay to feelthose things, like it's
completely fine to feel it youknow, and that makes me feel a
lot better to know that someoneis out there listening to me and
understands what I'm goingthrough and is not trying to fix
(37:10):
me.
It's just listening to me andyou know my husband wants to fix
me and it's been really hardfor him to support me, I think,
because he just sees me hurt andcrying and he just wants to
take it away.
And then G's over here knowingshe can't take it away and I
think that's just.
That's a different kind ofsupport, not that Jon's not
(37:30):
supporting me, but I think shejust understands in a different
kind of way and I'm so thankfulfor that.
Gianina (37:39):
Yeah.
Anna (37:39):
Well, I love you.
I love you G.
Gianina (37:44):
I would love it, if you don't mind praying for our
listeners, if there's anyonewho's kind of going through that
grief process or just I thinkspecifically if there's anyone
who just doesn't see a way out.
They have that hurricane that'shappening around them and
(38:05):
they're just focused on all ofthe chaos and things happening
rather than centering andfocusing on Jesus, and maybe
they don't even know how to dothat.
They don't know how to find Hisface.
Anna (38:17):
If you don't mind praying for that person Of course, God,
I just want to thank you foryour faithfulness and your mercy
, thank you for loving us whenwe don't know how to love
ourselves, and thank you for thepeace inside the storm.
I pray for the person who hearsthis and has something to let go
of I mean really let go of,like something so strong and old
(38:41):
that they think it's just partof who they are, and I pray that
you would open up the way toshow them who they are in your
eye.
I pray for the person who isjust grieving and they don't.
Maybe they don't know how togrieve, maybe they don't
understand what's happening orwhat they're going through.
(39:02):
What they're going through, butI pray that you would just lay
your hand on them and just bethat solid rock in the moment of
chaos and lift them up and helpthis weight be weightless, and
I pray that they would keeptheir eyes on you and that they
would remember to just look atyou whenever they feel that
(39:26):
storm around them.
Lord, I thank you so much formothers and best friends and
wounds that heal, and thank youfor being that permanent thing
in this temporary, awfulexistence sometimes that
(39:48):
surrounds us.
We love you.
Kiley (39:50):
Amen, amen, amen.
Anna, thank you so much.
I'm so glad we got to do this.
You just have a beautiful heart.
Anna (40:00):
Yeah, thanks for having me .
I'm so glad I got to meet you.
I mean, you know, talk to you.
Kiley (40:05):
We can now be the three best friends that anyone ever
has had.
Anna (40:10):
Yeah, you said reckon.
I like that, that's great.
Kiley (40:14):
What a powerful, powerful conversation.
Anna's vulnerability, strengthand faith are such a beautiful
reminder that healing oftencomes slowly but surely through
worship, community and God'stiming, from a place of deep
pain to a life rooted in purpose.
Anna's story encourages us totrust the process and keep
(40:35):
walking.
If Emma's testimony touchedyour heart today, we'd love it
if you'd share this episode witha friend.
And don't forget to subscribeso you never miss a story of
hope in the Valley.
Until next time, keep walkingthrough.
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