March 4, 2025 • 39 mins
Life’s journey can be unpredictable, often leading us down paths we never anticipated. In this episode, we explore a powerful and moving story that centers around overcoming adversity, facing heartbreak, and discovering hope through resilience. Our guest bravely shares her personal journey through addiction, loss, and the healing power of faith. She discusses the difficulties of her marriage to an addict and the challenges of being a mother navigating through such profound struggles.
The conversation delves into the realities of addiction and the emotional toll it takes not only on those who suffer from it but also on their loved ones. This story captures the complex dynamics of love, support, and the relentless fight for stability in the midst of turmoil. Our guest describes the hardest moments, including the shocking loss of her ex-husband and the challenges of explaining this tragedy to her child, Kingston. Her insights shine a light on the importance of community and finding support during difficult times in life.
Amidst the heart-wrenching narrative, themes of faith and spiritual resilience shine through. She recounts how her belief in God has helped her navigate the painful valleys of life. The struggle with understanding God's goodness in tough moments gives listeners a relatable perspective on grappling with faith. Through raw vulnerability and candid emotion, she communicates the necessity of leaning on community while embracing spiritual truths, echoing a message of hope that resonates deeply with everyone journeying through hardship.
Listeners are encouraged to engage in their healing processes, reach out for support, and recognize the importance of connection and love during times of struggle. This episode is an eloquent reminder that even in the face of loss and despair, hope can blossom, leading to redemption and a renewed sense of purpose. Don’t miss this empowering conversation—take a moment to reflect, share your story, and connect with others who are also walking through their journeys.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kiley (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of Walkthrough.
I am Kiley and today'sconversation is one that is
deeply personal, raw, but alsofull of hope.
My guest today knows thatjourney all too well.
She has walked through pain,loss and unimaginable heartbreak
.
Yet she stands today as atestament to the power of faith,
resilience and the beauty ofredemption.
(00:22):
This isn't a story tied up witha bow.
It's real, it's ongoing andit's a reminder that even in our
darkest moments, we are neverwalking alone.
I am honored to sit down withmy dear, dear friend and co-host
, Gianina, as she shares herstory of overcoming.
So grab a cup of coffee, take adeep breath and join us as we
(00:43):
walk through this together.
Hello, Gianina, hey.
Gianina (00:49):
Okay, so I am definitely excited to be sharing
my story tonight and definitelynervous just because it is a
super raw story, but I thinkthat if it can help somebody or
connect with somebody, it'sdefinitely not necessarily I'm
not ready to be like oh, it wasworth going through everything
(01:10):
if it helps somebody.
Kiley (01:11):
But, it's at least worth sharing if it can help somebody,
so yeah, so take a deep breath,grab your cup of coffee, so
tell us first, tell us a littlebit about you, because you
haven't, like, fully actuallybeen introduced yet.
Gianina (01:28):
So yeah, tell us a little bit about yourself, Remi
and Dawson, and so definitelylove all of my kiddos and I was
(01:48):
actually in a small group lastnight and we were talking about
just introducing ourselves andour families and everyone was
like man, my kids are just wild,my kids are crazy, and you can
probably relate to this.
But it's so interesting whenthey get in their preteens and
their teens where there's notnecessarily that wild and crazy
anymore and you get to justenjoy their personalities, which
I enjoyed Kingston'spersonality before, of course,
(02:09):
but he it's not just like thiswild child boy anymore, I see
him and he's so wise and he's sosweet and he's only 11.
Like, this is crazy, but yeah,so I'm a mom and a business
owner and I love to travel.
So that's just a little bitabout me, awesome.
Kiley (02:27):
So tell us a little bit.
I know that we have talked fora long time about doing this
podcast and just really wantingto tell our stories with others
and having others tell theirstories as well, just so that we
can all feel connected indifferent ways.
And so what has been on yourheart to share for this?
Gianina (02:47):
podcast Gosh.
Well, so much, so much hashappened the last couple of
years and basically kind ofwhere my story starts is.
I, similarly to you, grew up inchurch and my faith has always
been a big part of my life and Itruly can't remember a time
before I was saved and before Iknew Jesus and I kind of just
always remember having the Lordon my side.
(03:09):
And then after high school, Idid a two year internship at my
church and just grew in myrelationship with God.
And then after that I moved toTennessee and became a little
bit of a wild child, I think,just kind of getting out on my
own and exploring the world andliving by myself and, of course,
being in the music industry.
But I never lost my faith, evenif, like, I wasn't walking step
(03:35):
in step with the Lord.
I always believed and I I justI knew he had more for me, but I
just wasn't necessarily walkingin that at that time.
More for me, but I just wasn'tnecessarily walking in that at
that time.
And then in my mid 20s, I gotmarried and had a kid very
shortly after.
In that process of having achild within the first year, I
(03:56):
had realized that the personthat I had married was addicted
to drugs, which was obviouslyreally hard especially being
somebody who was like such astrong Christian all my life to
suddenly be like how did I, howdid I end up like here, how did
I end up in a position where Ijust was so completely unaware
(04:17):
of what was happening around me?
And I think a lot of timespeople ask well, like you had to
have known, you had to havelike seen signs, but truthfully
I didn't, and I just was reallynaive because I loved him and I
wanted to make that marriagework, and so I was really naive.
And I think that's one of thehardest things about addiction
(04:39):
and anybody who has loved anaddict, whether as a friend or
spouse or family member I thinkthe hardest part is you see them
beyond the addiction, and Ithink that's a necessary part of
it, because before they're anaddict, they're a human and they
are somebody.
They're a child of God, they'resomebody that the Lord loves.
(05:00):
And so I saw just so muchpotential in him and I've known
him since I was in fifth grade,and so I knew him before the
addiction.
I knew who he truly was, and soit's really easy to think what
can I do?
Like, what am I doing?
(05:27):
That's not enough.
Why am I not enough for them towant to change?
And so it was definitely a hugebattle on my confidence and
also navigating being a new momat the same time.
That was obviously a hugejourney.
I mostly felt like I was justtreading water and not actually
(05:48):
aware of what was happeningaround me, because I was just
trying to raise my son the bestthat I could and keep him safe,
so that was my number onepriority.
And then my ex-husband, myhusband.
At the time he was just makingdecisions that he shouldn't be
making.
He had gone to jail and one ofthe things that was court
(06:10):
ordered was rehab.
So he did go to rehab and justthroughout that time, like
seeing the change in him and howGod was working in him was
really hopeful and thinking thatthis could change.
And then it got worse afterrehab and I just had to make a
decision one day.
Really like what got me therewas seeing Kingston become aware
(06:34):
because he was almost three atthis point and he was becoming
more and more aware of, like,what was happening.
And the other thing was, youknow, we were living in a house
where people were coming by tobuy drugs or get money or sell
drugs, and I just never knew whowas pulling up in the driveway.
And so for me, my biggest thingwas I need to get my child safe
(06:56):
.
That was number one as a mom.
And so I had left that marriageand moved back to Tennessee
because he was in a rehab inMichigan and so we had moved up
there.
And when I moved back, I justkind of went through a rough
season where I thought that Iwas fine.
I truly was like wow, I'mhandling this so well and I'm
(07:19):
just like relieved and I feellike a weight is off my shoulder
.
And I remember even going to acounselor at a church and he
even looked at me and was like Ijust can't believe how amazing
you're doing.
I would think somebody that hadjust gone through what you went
through would be in a much moredifficult position.
And I remember wearing thatalmost like a badge of honor of
(07:41):
like, yeah, man, I'm good, I'mso strong, I got through this
and it didn't affect me.
And, looking back, it's reallybecause I didn't deal with
anything and I just swepteverything under the rug and I I
never dealt with what wasactually happening and so, like
I said, just that feeling oftreading water, it just kind of
continued.
So fast forward a couple ofyears and I met my amazing now
(08:07):
husband and we got married abouttwo years after we started
dating and he definitely Well,first of all was night and day
because he was a police officer.
So I kind of like went from oneextreme to the other and we
joke about that sometimes andI'm just like, well, I guess I
just can't get away from thejail, but you know, there's a
(08:29):
good part of it and a bad partof that.
Yes, yes, visiting for totallydifferent reasons, but it was
just really inspiring to see howhe was with Kingston.
And I remember being so nervouswhen we started dating because
I was like what if this doesn'twork out?
And you know Kingston's heart'sgoing to be broken.
(08:49):
It's like through all of this Iwas never really concerned with
my own well-being or my ownheart.
It trust me with Kingston'sheart and that is so important
to me even now.
You know, as we're going to getinto my story, you'll know why
(09:12):
that's something that I've heldon to for so long.
But even during times when myhusband and I were dating and
we'd like break up and get backtogether, I just remember the
Lord saying like you can trustme with Kingston's heart, like I
got this, I care, I love himand I care about him, and so
that has definitely helped.
And we ended up moving a couplehours away to be closer to my
(09:34):
husband's children and we founda really amazing church that we
started going to and serving inand building community, and it
was like everything was kind ofstarting to just fall into place
and putting that life behind meand just starting to really
move forward.
I feel like in what we had andin our lives.
And then in 2023, so this wasabout two years into our
(10:00):
marriage, almost exactly twoyears I get a phone call while
Kingston is at school.
I had just broken my foot andI'm sitting on the couch with my
foot elevated and my friend hadto drop Kingston off at school
because I couldn't drive.
And I get a phone call from myex-husband's father and I
remember just looking down atthe phone and it was seven
(10:22):
o'clock, which is five o'clocktheir time in Washington, and I
was like wow, like this is early, you're calling me super early.
And he's like well, I have somenews to tell you.
And he had told me that Corbett, who is my ex-husband, was shot
and that they weren't expectinghim to make it.
And it was so hard, firstbecause my ex father in law was
(10:48):
always just a strong person whomade everybody laugh and just
always wanted to encourageeverybody, and he was fine on
the phone until he told me.
And then, once he told me and Igot quiet, I just he broke down
and so it was real for him.
Yeah, I think for sure.
(11:08):
So that was obviously like avery shocking situation and it's
one of those things where, tobe honest, I always kind of
prepared for it but nothingreally prepares you for that.
Like I, I always literally wouldhold my breath when I'd get a
phone call from anybody in hisfamily because it's like, okay,
(11:28):
he's either in jail or heoverdosed or something happened,
you know, and so I always knewthat it was a possibility.
But when I got that phone callit was, like I, the shock and
the emotion that came over mewas a lot.
And I remember, like I said, Ihad broken my foot and I was
(11:50):
sitting on the couch and I don'teven remember how I made it to
the floor, but I just startedbawling from school, like how am
I going to process this withhim?
This is going to absolutelyshatter him, because even though
he hadn't seen his dad in acouple of years, I mean,
kingston and his dad were liketwo peas in a pod and he thought
(12:14):
that he hung the moon there Hisdad was like his superhero, and
so yeah.
I spent probably the next goshfour hours however long it was
just crying out to God like howam I going to tell Kingston?
You're going to have to help mewith this and my husband came
home because I called him andtold him what happened.
And he came home and I can'teven imagine how uncomfortable
(12:38):
this was for him, but I was justlike falling in his arms, like
I was just hysterical.
Falling in his arms Like I wasjust hysterical.
And I think partially wherethis came from was all of those
emotions and feelings that Inever dealt with when I ended my
marriage, like everything thatI never healed, like came
(13:00):
crashing down all in one moment,like all of the trauma, all of
the you know, especially goingthrough a second marriage.
I think one thing that Ilearned is I was not perfect,
you know, and I think not tomake any excuses or anything for
my ex-husband or what he, whatwe went through but I think
(13:23):
while I was going through thatsituation, I really felt like a
victim a lot and I blamed him alot for everything that happened
.
And then kind of gettingremarried and seeing some of the
same patterns of fighting andthings that I was like you know
what, maybe, like some of this,is me, and so just feeling that
guilt that I never tookownership over my part and I
(13:46):
never just I think I guess, if Ican say it this way, like he,
he died carrying the weight thateverything was his fault and
and that was something that Ikind of had to navigate and heal
from.
And so Kingston came home laterthat day he got dropped off by
my friend, and my friend I hadtold her what happened and she
(14:09):
went and got him a chocolate barand when he came home he was
like so excited that he got thiscandy bar.
I just I honestly I don't evenI don't remember how I told him.
I think I told him his dad hadbeen in an accident or there was
an accident, you know, becauseI didn't want to say like your
dad was shot, and so I just Ijust said that there was an
(14:32):
accident and something happenedand your dad's in the hospital
and I don't think that he'sgoing to make it and we have to
go to Washington so that you cansay goodbye, basically, and I
mean you can just imagineKingston was like hysterical.
It took hours to calm him down.
It's so weird because once Icalmed him down, he asked me he
(14:55):
said did my dad get shot?
And like gift of just, he justknows things.
And I think that had to just bethe Holy Spirit, like calming
him and like telling him beforehe had to find out in a
different way.
So we ended up flying toWashington and Kingston was.
(15:19):
You know, it was very hard inthe hospital seeing his dad that
way and they confirmed that hehad no brain activity and so
Kingston got to say goodbye,which I think was a really
important thing.
A lot of people were kind oflike, are you sure you should
take him?
But I just knew that ifKingston didn't go, it was not
going to be a good situationlater on down the road.
(15:41):
So definitely thankful that wewent and honestly I don't
remember much of that year.
After that I feel like I trulyI don't.
I don't know if it's shock orgrief or PTSD or some kind of
trauma, but I remember very,very little little of 2023,
which I guess is probably a goodthing.
(16:02):
But it's like all of a sudden Iwoke up and it was January 2024
.
I truly don't remember a lot ofwhat happened and what's crazy
is even going through my phone.
Sometimes I'll scroll back frompictures and literally my phone
goes from March 2023 to January2024.
It's like I lost like eightmonths of my life.
Yeah, it's so weird.
(16:23):
So, anyways, we get into 2024and we're like, okay, we're
going to put 2023 behind us,we're done, like no more.
And actually like March wassuch a bad month for us because,
you know, it's the month Ibroke my foot, it was the month
Kingston broke his arm the yearbefore that, and then, of course
, it was the month that Corbettdied, and so Kingston and I were
(16:44):
like you know what?
We're just going to do Februarytwice.
And so, yeah, we did his,celebrated his birthday twice,
we celebrated Valentine's Daytwice, and we just completely
ignored March.
And so we oh, I forgot tomention this part too, but a
month after, see, this is meforgetting all of 2023.
A month after Corbett died, hismom died, and so that was like
(17:08):
another big loss that Kingstonhad to deal with was his
grandmother passing away, and soit was really tough, because
Kingston was like I just, I mean, he was nine.
No, he was nine, okay, so he's10, he turns 11.
So, yeah, he was nine at thetime, and that's very heavy,
it's a lot for a nine-year-oldto carry, and then, in October,
(17:32):
one of his friends passed awayin a car accident, and so it was
just a super, super, super hardyear for him.
And then in 2024, you know,things kind of finally start to
wind down and it seems like lifeis getting on the right path.
And then in June we lostKingston's grandpa, and that I
(17:56):
mean obviously losing his dadwas very, very hard, but his
grandpa was like his best friendand so that was a huge loss and
, honestly, his grandpa was likea second dad to me also.
He always loved me as his own,even after the divorce.
He cared about Kingston, hecared about our whole family,
(18:17):
and so it was a really, reallyhard loss for everyone and, as
you can imagine, also forKingston's aunts and uncles, and
you feel the heaviness thateverybody's feeling at that time
, because it was just the wholefamily just was having loss
after loss after loss.
And so yeah, june was very, veryhard, but we ended up going to
(18:39):
Washington for his memorial andit was just really good for him
to spend time with his familyand be with everyone.
And I think if we have learnedanything through this is just
how short life is and part of melike I hate that Kingston has
to know that at such a young age, but I truly believe that God
(19:01):
is teaching him something that,like he's already so wise beyond
his years and just this, like Itruly hope that it helps him
never take life for granted,because, yeah, so that obviously
it's.
It's been a rough couple years,but just learning how to trust
God through it.
And I remember, especiallyafter my ex-husband passed away,
(19:24):
I was really struggling becauseof the way that it happened and
not having any answers.
We still don't know who did itand just I don't want to say
trusting God's goodness, but youknow, in the Bible where Jacob
is wrestling with an angel andit says that Jacob wrestled with
(19:44):
God.
And I felt like I was in one ofthose seasons where I wasn't
necessarily questioning God,like I've always loved him and
I've always been faithful as faras trusting in him and knowing
that he's real.
But I got to a season where Iwas like, okay, god, you're
going to have to show me yourcharacter, because right now I'm
confused.
(20:05):
I just everything that Ithought that I knew about you I
don't know if I know that rightnow and so I just I'm gonna need
you to, like, truly revealyourself to me in ways that I
haven't even experienced before.
And so I wrestled with God alot and just went back and forth
.
And I wrestled with God a lotand just went back and forth and
prayed and asked for answers.
(20:26):
And I just truly think that Godis so patient with us and I
don't think that when we gothrough things and we ask him to
show us his heart, that he'sdisappointed in us.
I think he wants to have thoseopportunities to share things
and I think it's tempting to belike gosh just when I thought
(20:47):
things were going good, my wholeworld falls apart.
And I think for a while I didhave that perspective.
But now I kind of switched mythinking and I'm like you know
how faithful is God that everyhe waited, you know, he made
sure that I was solid in myfoundation and my relationship
(21:07):
with him.
I was back in church, kingstonwas back in church.
You know I had an amazinghusband that was supportive and
was there for Kingston throughit, and we weren't just by
ourselves, you know.
And so, yeah, as hard as it was, just knowing that God was in
it even in the hardest time isreally helpful and then just
(21:30):
seeing his heart with Kingston.
I think and you probably knowthis as a mom too it's like when
we see God work in our kids'lives or we see our kids learn
something about Jesus, it's likewe learn it with fresh eyes.
We learn it for the first,learn it with fresh eyes.
We learn it for the first timein so many ways.
So, just kind of seeing hisgrace in Kingston's life and I
(21:53):
mean Kingston, he definitely hasquestions and he struggles and
even now he's like, you know, Idon't understand why all of this
had to happen to me, why, whydid God?
He said why did God choose me?
Why is this happening to me?
And I just I looked at himbecause he actually said that
last night too, and I just saidyou just need to know God didn't
do this.
This is not God do this to you,but he this is full on the
(22:16):
enemy did this to you, but Godis going to use it for good.
And so just remembering thatand, truthfully, the song Firm
Foundation has been such a likeanthem I mean, I have so many
songs that have been an anthemfor my life over this time, you
know like Firm Foundation, it'slike how grateful am I that my
(22:37):
foundation was in the Lord whenthis happened, because if not, I
don't think that I would stillbe here At least not as strong.
Kiley (22:51):
I think there's definitely something to be said
about finding beauty in theashes.
And when you mentioned Kingston, asking like why is this
happening to me?
Why did God choose me?
I know that you know our familysuffered a lot of loss over a
few years and Reese kind of hadthe same questions Like know
that, you know our familysuffered a lot of loss over a
few years and Reese kind of hadthe same questions Like why does
this keep happening to ourfamily?
Why is God doing this?
And the only thing that I couldtell her is that you know, this
(23:13):
is not something that Godwanted to happen.
This happens because there'ssin in the world and there is,
you know happens because there'ssin in the world and there is.
You know there's.
There's something that does notwant us.
It doesn't want good for us but,you can believe that God is
(23:34):
going to show up, he's going towalk with us, he's gonna, he's
gonna bring glory to his namethrough all of this.
So I'm thinking, with yourstory, kingston being such a
young age when all of this hashappened to him, think of how
ordained he already is.
Gianina (23:51):
And as he grows up.
Kiley (23:52):
Through his life, he's going to have such a testimony
to tell other people, and sothose stories that he's going to
tell people, that testimonythat he's going to give, is
going to lead more people to Godtell people.
That testimony that he's goingto give is going to lead more
people to God.
So this life is hard and itwasn't promised to be easy.
Of course, it wasn't the way itwas intended for us to be,
(24:13):
because God wants us to be inrelationship with him and
relationship with other people.
But I truly believe that he is.
He's not sitting sitting thererejoicing when this stuff
happens, like he cries with us.
He feels that pain because ithappened to his own son.
You know he was separated fromhis son for three days.
He, he, was not in relationshipwith his son for three days and
(24:36):
every emotion that was feltwith that he feels with us.
And so, you know, the one of thethings that I like to focus on
is that and while it's sad tofocus on this a little bit just
because this is my earthly, youknow humanly, self is like this
life is temporary, but we aresecure in our knowledge that
(24:59):
there is life beyond thisphysical life.
And you know this is and it's,it's hard and it's it's, it's
sad, but it can also be sobeautiful and it can be, so
rewarding.
And you know, you, you, I knowthat you're still going through
it, you're still processingthose emotions, but how have you
felt God in this situation?
(25:21):
Because I know there's been alot of hurt and there's been a
lot of heartbreak, but you knowif somebody else is going
through this as well.
You know how have you found Godin the midst of all of this?
Gianina (25:32):
Well, I think that one thing that is really beautiful
is just seeing how God redeemsall things, and if you think
about.
Even death, in a way, is such aredemption story, because the
purpose of life, you know, whenGod created the earth, is for us
to be connected and for us tobe in communion with each other
(25:54):
and to be connected to oneanother.
And because of sin we wereseparated and death is
ultimately going back to theoriginal plan where we are in
connection with the father.
And so even in this, just thatredemption story, I have to
remind myself of that.
And then I would say I don'tknow if you remember this, but I
(26:15):
had shared how Kingston hasalways been so fascinated with
heaven, ever since he was a baby, like, really young.
He would just ask so many deepquestions and he would have
dreams and visions of heaven andlike things that I never
thought of or ever experienced.
And I remember having this fearof like.
(26:36):
Why is he so obsessed withheaven?
Like is God going to take himsoon?
Like is something going tohappen?
And so just thinking about thathim soon, like is something
going to happen, and so justthinking about that, like how
God set up the stage for hislife to where, when he faced so
much loss, he knew where theywere going.
He knew what heaven was like andhe well, I can't say any of us
(26:57):
know what heaven's like, but heat least had an understanding of
what heaven is and yeah, andthings like that.
And so just God's faithfulnesshas been shown time and time
again through this situation andthrough just all of this
tragedy.
I think just seeing hisfaithfulness and everything and
seeing his patience, hispatience with me, has been a big
(27:18):
thing.
I feel like a lot of times whenwe go through things like this,
we think we have to put on amask with God, and I remember
even growing up in a churchwhere the belief was like I mean
, essentially, if you're sad,you don't have faith that God is
good, or you don't have faiththat he's sovereign, and so a
(27:38):
lot of times we put on this maskwith God of like you're
faithful and you're good, andall this stuff in my life is
amazing, because if I don'tthink that it's amazing, then I
don't trust you.
And yes, he is faithful andhe's always good, but he's so
patient.
I read the Psalms and just whereDavid is weeping and he's like
(27:59):
God, where are you?
How long are you going to letmy enemies have dominion over me
.
How long are you going to staysilent and so just giving myself
permission to feel those thingsand feeling God like, not
necessarily even giving me ananswer, but just like being
there and being like Iunderstand, I connect with you,
I'm here, even if I can't tellyou why this is happening.
(28:21):
I'm here and you know, throughthis whole season I was also
leading worship at church and sosinging songs like the goodness
of God and all these thingsthat I'm declaring time and time
again.
I wouldn't say I ever sangthose words without truly
(28:42):
believing them, but when I wouldlead worship and lead these
songs, I really pushed myselflike, okay, I'm not going to
stand up on a Sunday and singabout the goodness of God unless
I believe it.
So, god, you're going to haveto show me your goodness right
now, because I'm just not here,I'm not feeling it right now.
And so, truly, just like hispatience with us as his children
(29:03):
and that's the one thing Ireally want to encourage people
with is, be real in the seasonthat you're in, god isn't
surprised.
He's not surprised that you'rehere and in this situation.
And the more you even read thestories of Jesus, jesus got mad,
jesus got sad, he was hurt, hewas confused.
(29:23):
I mean even his last words onthe cross, god, why have you
forsaken me?
You know we read those as thisfluffy poetry, but Jesus was
probably mad to an extent oflike.
Really, now you're turning yourback.
Don't forsake me.
I need you.
And so, just remembering hispatience.
Kiley (29:43):
Yeah, and I think the beauty of it is that God can
handle our anger.
He can handle all of that stuffthat we throw at him because,
like you said, he's patient andhe's gracious and if you're
upset he understands, and Ithink it's just making sure that
you don't unpack and live there.
Yes, that's a big big thing.
Yeah, and when you were talkingabout leading worship, it
(30:07):
reminded me of a song that Iused to sing, and I used to sing
for my college group, and thetitle of the song is called
Because you Are, and itbasically talks about how I
can't feel you like othersaround me.
I don't kneel or close my eyeswhen I'm singing, but I'll
praise you because I know thatyou are good, I know that you
(30:29):
are all of these things and evenif I'm not feeling it this
moment, I'm still going to do itbecause I know that that's who
you are.
Yeah, sometimes that's all ittakes.
You know, you don't always, youdon't always have to have those
profound moments of worshipwhere you're just kneeling on
your knees and weeping all thetime.
(30:49):
Sometimes you know there'sthings going on that are really
hard and you don't feel likedoing it.
You don't feel like singing,you don't feel like praising him
, but you do it anyway becauseyou ultimately know that that's
who he is and he is there foryou.
He's walking with you and he'llbe there.
Gianina (31:07):
Yeah, and.
I think, just like standing onthose truths.
That was a big thing, for me andjust saying God, I don't feel
it right now, but I know this iswho you are.
Your word says this, so thatthis is who you are, because
this is what your word says andreally, if I can say this,
because I know people who arelistening are going to be on all
(31:30):
different walks of life, but ifyou don't know your, if you
don't spend time reading yourBible, you're not going to know
the truth about who God is orwho you are, and so when you
start to go through valleys,you're going to have a distorted
perception of who Jesus is andwhat he's doing, and that's why
(31:50):
you get a lot of these peoplethat you know.
No shame for anyone who feelsthis, but just encourage you to
dig a little deeper.
If you feel this, it's likewhen people say, well, god put
me through this to teach me this, or God made this happen so
that I could achieve this, orGod's not going to give me more
than I can handle, and it's likethat actually isn't biblical at
(32:15):
all, or isn't God at all?
Because he, I can tell you rightnow, God did not make Kingston
go through this so that he wouldbe a better evangelist one day,
Like he didn't make Kingston gothrough this so that he would
be a better evangelist one day,Like he didn't make Kingston go
through this so that he couldconnect with people better.
That I mean honestly.
Kiley (32:30):
That would be such an evil God to take one life to
benefit somebody else's ministrybut if you turn it in a way
that says, okay, God didn'tnecessarily make this happen,
but how?
Gianina (32:41):
can.
Kiley (32:41):
I use it to glorify him.
You know what can I learn?
Not that he's teaching me alesson, but okay, this has
happened.
So what do I take from this?
Gianina (32:51):
Yes, or like where is he in this?
What is he going to do withthis?
Or even, if we don't see it,saying okay, god, I know that
this has happened and it sucksand I know you didn't cause this
, but I trust that you're goingto turn it around for my good
because your word says thatthat's a promise, so I'm not.
It's again going back to Jacobwrestling with the angel, like
(33:13):
I'm not leaving until you blessme because you've promised
blessing or you've promised thatyou're going to turn it around
for good.
Yeah, just standing on thatword.
I know we kind of talked aboutthis last episode too, but like
making sure that you openyourself up to community,
because I know at least thefirst year I didn't do that and
(33:34):
it it caused for a lot of hurtbecause I expected people to be
there for me that weren't, and Imean people are going to let
you down, people are going tofail you and people are going to
walk away because it'suncomfortable for them when
you're going through something.
And it's not necessarily thatthey don't care about you, but
like people really suck athandling grief Like they just do
(33:56):
.
Kiley (33:57):
I agree.
You know, there's a lot oftimes when you, just you, just
you, don't know what to say, youdon't know what to offer you.
You say, can I do anything?
And they say I don't reallyknow.
And you say, can I do anything?
And they say I don't reallyknow.
And you know, you always hearabout, like, don't ask what you
can do, just say I'm going tobring you this meal tomorrow or
I'm going to do this for youtomorrow, instead of asking, you
know, permission and one of thethings to just kind of
(34:20):
backtracking a little bit.
Sometimes it takes time for Godto reveal himself in certain
situations, so it could be days,it could be months, it could be
years, and so what I would liketo encourage people to do is to
not stop, you know, praying forhim to reveal himself, and
sometimes it may not even happenthis side of heaven, and that's
(34:43):
a hard concept to grasp, and Ijust you know there's a lot of
things that have happened in ourlives too where it's like I may
not never know the reason why,and maybe it's not up to me to
understand it, and maybe it'snot up to me or it's not for me
to know, but I just have tobelieve that one day and I'm so
(35:04):
solid in this thinking is thatone day.
That one day and I'm so solidin this thinking is that one day
, everything will be made rightagain.
Yeah, oh for sure.
You know it may not beimmediate, but one day it will
be.
And I just I rest on thatknowledge and it just kind of
makes all of the pain and thesuffering you know somewhat
bearable knowing that this isnot going to last forever.
(35:27):
Yeah, definitely.
Gianina (35:30):
And I think if I can just end on one note is, chances
are, if we have peoplelistening to this, there's
somebody affected by addictionin some way.
And I remember when Corbett wasin rehab reading that it was
like one in four people strugglewith some type of addiction,
and when he was going throughrehab it truly was one of those
(35:52):
things where there was doctorsthere, there were people who
were homeless there, there werepeople who were therapists there
, and it's just like realizingthat addiction doesn't
discriminate against people.
And I think, if I can speak assomebody outside of addiction,
just to say that you're caredabout and you're not a
(36:12):
disappointment, and there arepeople who love you and care
about you and just want to seeyou get better.
And so there's no shame ifyou're listening to this and
you're like man, I've just hurta lot of people and that could
have been me in that situationor this could be the path that
I'm on and I just I've hurt toomany people to go back now.
I just want to encourage you.
(36:32):
It's never too late.
As long as you have breath inyour lungs, it's not too late.
And then, on the flip side ofthat, if you're somebody who is
faced with knowing people whoare addicted to drugs or alcohol
or other things, justremembering that they're a
person first before theiraddiction.
And.
I just want to encourage peopleto pray.
(36:53):
Let me see this person the waythat you see them, lord, because
God cares so much about themand they're just as much a child
of God as we are.
We're not any better justbecause we don't deal with a
certain thing, and so justshowing that mercy and that
grace to other people, I thinkif I, if I can encourage anybody
(37:14):
to just take a step back andlike look at people as more than
an addict and as more than whattheir sin is, and look at them
for just like their people first, they're all a son or a
daughter or a father or a motheror a cousin or a friend, and
they have somebody who caresabout them too.
Yeah.
Kiley (37:33):
And it's important to remember that everyone is
created in God's image.
So every person, like you said,every person that you see, has
God in them.
You know, like you said, heloves them, he created them.
You know, like you said, heloves them, he created them, and
so it sometimes it's hard tosee that because they're doing
things that you don't agree with, but it's it's true and it's a
(37:54):
constant reminder for us in ourfamily and for me myself.
It's like, okay, I may bereally upset right now or this,
this may be hurting me a lot,but they are still created in
god's image and god loves themjust as much as he loves me yeah
and yeah it's, we have a, wehave a, we have a redeeming
(38:16):
grace for sure.
Gianina (38:17):
Yeah, definitely that's been like my, my word, all of
this is just redeemed, like godcan redeem all things, and so
just just trusting, trustingyeah.
Kiley (38:27):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your heart and
sharing your story, and I hopethat it encourages people who
are listening.
If you are somebody that isstruggling with this or in any
capacity, if you're strugglingyourself with addiction, or if
you're a friend or family memberof somebody who's struggling,
reach out to your community andjust pray that God would reveal
(38:51):
himself in that situation.
We're so happy that you arewalking alongside us in these
stories and in this journey.
We hope that you would continueto be encouraged by all of the
amazing stories that are to come.
Gianina (39:05):
Thank you for walking through this with me today.
I know my story isn't easy toshare, but I also know that
God's goodness is found even inthe hardest moments.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to share it
with someone who might need tohear it.
And be sure to tune in nextweek.
We have an incredible mamajoining us who is sharing
straight from the trenches.
Her son just had open heartsurgery and she's walking
(39:29):
through this valley in real time, trusting God with every step.
You won't want to miss it.
Welcome back to another episode of Walkthrough.
I am Kiley and today'sconversation is one that is
deeply personal, raw, but alsofull of hope.
My guest today knows thatjourney all too well.
She has walked through pain,loss and unimaginable heartbreak
.
Yet she stands today as atestament to the power of faith,
resilience and the beauty ofredemption.
(00:22):
This isn't a story tied up witha bow.
It's real, it's ongoing andit's a reminder that even in our
darkest moments, we are neverwalking alone.
I am honored to sit down withmy dear, dear friend and co-host
, Gianina, as she shares herstory of overcoming.
So grab a cup of coffee, take adeep breath and join us as we
(00:43):
walk through this together.
Hello, Gianina, hey.
Gianina (00:49):
Okay, so I am definitely excited to be sharing
my story tonight and definitelynervous just because it is a
super raw story, but I thinkthat if it can help somebody or
connect with somebody, it'sdefinitely not necessarily I'm
not ready to be like oh, it wasworth going through everything
(01:10):
if it helps somebody.
Kiley (01:11):
But, it's at least worth sharing if it can help somebody,
so yeah, so take a deep breath,grab your cup of coffee, so
tell us first, tell us a littlebit about you, because you
haven't, like, fully actuallybeen introduced yet.
Gianina (01:28):
So yeah, tell us a little bit about yourself, Remi
and Dawson, and so definitelylove all of my kiddos and I was
(01:48):
actually in a small group lastnight and we were talking about
just introducing ourselves andour families and everyone was
like man, my kids are just wild,my kids are crazy, and you can
probably relate to this.
But it's so interesting whenthey get in their preteens and
their teens where there's notnecessarily that wild and crazy
anymore and you get to justenjoy their personalities, which
I enjoyed Kingston'spersonality before, of course,
(02:09):
but he it's not just like thiswild child boy anymore, I see
him and he's so wise and he's sosweet and he's only 11.
Like, this is crazy, but yeah,so I'm a mom and a business
owner and I love to travel.
So that's just a little bitabout me, awesome.
Kiley (02:27):
So tell us a little bit.
I know that we have talked fora long time about doing this
podcast and just really wantingto tell our stories with others
and having others tell theirstories as well, just so that we
can all feel connected indifferent ways.
And so what has been on yourheart to share for this?
Gianina (02:47):
podcast Gosh.
Well, so much, so much hashappened the last couple of
years and basically kind ofwhere my story starts is.
I, similarly to you, grew up inchurch and my faith has always
been a big part of my life and Itruly can't remember a time
before I was saved and before Iknew Jesus and I kind of just
always remember having the Lordon my side.
(03:09):
And then after high school, Idid a two year internship at my
church and just grew in myrelationship with God.
And then after that I moved toTennessee and became a little
bit of a wild child, I think,just kind of getting out on my
own and exploring the world andliving by myself and, of course,
being in the music industry.
But I never lost my faith, evenif, like, I wasn't walking step
(03:35):
in step with the Lord.
I always believed and I I justI knew he had more for me, but I
just wasn't necessarily walkingin that at that time.
More for me, but I just wasn'tnecessarily walking in that at
that time.
And then in my mid 20s, I gotmarried and had a kid very
shortly after.
In that process of having achild within the first year, I
(03:56):
had realized that the personthat I had married was addicted
to drugs, which was obviouslyreally hard especially being
somebody who was like such astrong Christian all my life to
suddenly be like how did I, howdid I end up like here, how did
I end up in a position where Ijust was so completely unaware
(04:17):
of what was happening around me?
And I think a lot of timespeople ask well, like you had to
have known, you had to havelike seen signs, but truthfully
I didn't, and I just was reallynaive because I loved him and I
wanted to make that marriagework, and so I was really naive.
And I think that's one of thehardest things about addiction
(04:39):
and anybody who has loved anaddict, whether as a friend or
spouse or family member I thinkthe hardest part is you see them
beyond the addiction, and Ithink that's a necessary part of
it, because before they're anaddict, they're a human and they
are somebody.
They're a child of God, they'resomebody that the Lord loves.
(05:00):
And so I saw just so muchpotential in him and I've known
him since I was in fifth grade,and so I knew him before the
addiction.
I knew who he truly was, and soit's really easy to think what
can I do?
Like, what am I doing?
(05:27):
That's not enough.
Why am I not enough for them towant to change?
And so it was definitely a hugebattle on my confidence and
also navigating being a new momat the same time.
That was obviously a hugejourney.
I mostly felt like I was justtreading water and not actually
(05:48):
aware of what was happeningaround me, because I was just
trying to raise my son the bestthat I could and keep him safe,
so that was my number onepriority.
And then my ex-husband, myhusband.
At the time he was just makingdecisions that he shouldn't be
making.
He had gone to jail and one ofthe things that was court
(06:10):
ordered was rehab.
So he did go to rehab and justthroughout that time, like
seeing the change in him and howGod was working in him was
really hopeful and thinking thatthis could change.
And then it got worse afterrehab and I just had to make a
decision one day.
Really like what got me therewas seeing Kingston become aware
(06:34):
because he was almost three atthis point and he was becoming
more and more aware of, like,what was happening.
And the other thing was, youknow, we were living in a house
where people were coming by tobuy drugs or get money or sell
drugs, and I just never knew whowas pulling up in the driveway.
And so for me, my biggest thingwas I need to get my child safe
(06:56):
.
That was number one as a mom.
And so I had left that marriageand moved back to Tennessee
because he was in a rehab inMichigan and so we had moved up
there.
And when I moved back, I justkind of went through a rough
season where I thought that Iwas fine.
I truly was like wow, I'mhandling this so well and I'm
(07:19):
just like relieved and I feellike a weight is off my shoulder
.
And I remember even going to acounselor at a church and he
even looked at me and was like Ijust can't believe how amazing
you're doing.
I would think somebody that hadjust gone through what you went
through would be in a much moredifficult position.
And I remember wearing thatalmost like a badge of honor of
(07:41):
like, yeah, man, I'm good, I'mso strong, I got through this
and it didn't affect me.
And, looking back, it's reallybecause I didn't deal with
anything and I just swepteverything under the rug and I I
never dealt with what wasactually happening and so, like
I said, just that feeling oftreading water, it just kind of
continued.
So fast forward a couple ofyears and I met my amazing now
(08:07):
husband and we got married abouttwo years after we started
dating and he definitely Well,first of all was night and day
because he was a police officer.
So I kind of like went from oneextreme to the other and we
joke about that sometimes andI'm just like, well, I guess I
just can't get away from thejail, but you know, there's a
(08:29):
good part of it and a bad partof that.
Yes, yes, visiting for totallydifferent reasons, but it was
just really inspiring to see howhe was with Kingston.
And I remember being so nervouswhen we started dating because
I was like what if this doesn'twork out?
And you know Kingston's heart'sgoing to be broken.
(08:49):
It's like through all of this Iwas never really concerned with
my own well-being or my ownheart.
It trust me with Kingston'sheart and that is so important
to me even now.
You know, as we're going to getinto my story, you'll know why
(09:12):
that's something that I've heldon to for so long.
But even during times when myhusband and I were dating and
we'd like break up and get backtogether, I just remember the
Lord saying like you can trustme with Kingston's heart, like I
got this, I care, I love himand I care about him, and so
that has definitely helped.
And we ended up moving a couplehours away to be closer to my
(09:34):
husband's children and we founda really amazing church that we
started going to and serving inand building community, and it
was like everything was kind ofstarting to just fall into place
and putting that life behind meand just starting to really
move forward.
I feel like in what we had andin our lives.
And then in 2023, so this wasabout two years into our
(10:00):
marriage, almost exactly twoyears I get a phone call while
Kingston is at school.
I had just broken my foot andI'm sitting on the couch with my
foot elevated and my friend hadto drop Kingston off at school
because I couldn't drive.
And I get a phone call from myex-husband's father and I
remember just looking down atthe phone and it was seven
(10:22):
o'clock, which is five o'clocktheir time in Washington, and I
was like wow, like this is early, you're calling me super early.
And he's like well, I have somenews to tell you.
And he had told me that Corbett, who is my ex-husband, was shot
and that they weren't expectinghim to make it.
And it was so hard, firstbecause my ex father in law was
(10:48):
always just a strong person whomade everybody laugh and just
always wanted to encourageeverybody, and he was fine on
the phone until he told me.
And then, once he told me and Igot quiet, I just he broke down
and so it was real for him.
Yeah, I think for sure.
(11:08):
So that was obviously like avery shocking situation and it's
one of those things where, tobe honest, I always kind of
prepared for it but nothingreally prepares you for that.
Like I, I always literally wouldhold my breath when I'd get a
phone call from anybody in hisfamily because it's like, okay,
(11:28):
he's either in jail or heoverdosed or something happened,
you know, and so I always knewthat it was a possibility.
But when I got that phone callit was, like I, the shock and
the emotion that came over mewas a lot.
And I remember, like I said, Ihad broken my foot and I was
(11:50):
sitting on the couch and I don'teven remember how I made it to
the floor, but I just startedbawling from school, like how am
I going to process this withhim?
This is going to absolutelyshatter him, because even though
he hadn't seen his dad in acouple of years, I mean,
kingston and his dad were liketwo peas in a pod and he thought
(12:14):
that he hung the moon there Hisdad was like his superhero, and
so yeah.
I spent probably the next goshfour hours however long it was
just crying out to God like howam I going to tell Kingston?
You're going to have to help mewith this and my husband came
home because I called him andtold him what happened.
And he came home and I can'teven imagine how uncomfortable
(12:38):
this was for him, but I was justlike falling in his arms, like
I was just hysterical.
Falling in his arms Like I wasjust hysterical.
And I think partially wherethis came from was all of those
emotions and feelings that Inever dealt with when I ended my
marriage, like everything thatI never healed, like came
(13:00):
crashing down all in one moment,like all of the trauma, all of
the you know, especially goingthrough a second marriage.
I think one thing that Ilearned is I was not perfect,
you know, and I think not tomake any excuses or anything for
my ex-husband or what he, whatwe went through but I think
(13:23):
while I was going through thatsituation, I really felt like a
victim a lot and I blamed him alot for everything that happened
.
And then kind of gettingremarried and seeing some of the
same patterns of fighting andthings that I was like you know
what, maybe, like some of this,is me, and so just feeling that
guilt that I never tookownership over my part and I
(13:46):
never just I think I guess, if Ican say it this way, like he,
he died carrying the weight thateverything was his fault and
and that was something that Ikind of had to navigate and heal
from.
And so Kingston came home laterthat day he got dropped off by
my friend, and my friend I hadtold her what happened and she
(14:09):
went and got him a chocolate barand when he came home he was
like so excited that he got thiscandy bar.
I just I honestly I don't evenI don't remember how I told him.
I think I told him his dad hadbeen in an accident or there was
an accident, you know, becauseI didn't want to say like your
dad was shot, and so I just Ijust said that there was an
(14:32):
accident and something happenedand your dad's in the hospital
and I don't think that he'sgoing to make it and we have to
go to Washington so that you cansay goodbye, basically, and I
mean you can just imagineKingston was like hysterical.
It took hours to calm him down.
It's so weird because once Icalmed him down, he asked me he
(14:55):
said did my dad get shot?
And like gift of just, he justknows things.
And I think that had to just bethe Holy Spirit, like calming
him and like telling him beforehe had to find out in a
different way.
So we ended up flying toWashington and Kingston was.
(15:19):
You know, it was very hard inthe hospital seeing his dad that
way and they confirmed that hehad no brain activity and so
Kingston got to say goodbye,which I think was a really
important thing.
A lot of people were kind oflike, are you sure you should
take him?
But I just knew that ifKingston didn't go, it was not
going to be a good situationlater on down the road.
(15:41):
So definitely thankful that wewent and honestly I don't
remember much of that year.
After that I feel like I trulyI don't.
I don't know if it's shock orgrief or PTSD or some kind of
trauma, but I remember very,very little little of 2023,
which I guess is probably a goodthing.
(16:02):
But it's like all of a sudden Iwoke up and it was January 2024
.
I truly don't remember a lot ofwhat happened and what's crazy
is even going through my phone.
Sometimes I'll scroll back frompictures and literally my phone
goes from March 2023 to January2024.
It's like I lost like eightmonths of my life.
Yeah, it's so weird.
(16:23):
So, anyways, we get into 2024and we're like, okay, we're
going to put 2023 behind us,we're done, like no more.
And actually like March wassuch a bad month for us because,
you know, it's the month Ibroke my foot, it was the month
Kingston broke his arm the yearbefore that, and then, of course
, it was the month that Corbettdied, and so Kingston and I were
(16:44):
like you know what?
We're just going to do Februarytwice.
And so, yeah, we did his,celebrated his birthday twice,
we celebrated Valentine's Daytwice, and we just completely
ignored March.
And so we oh, I forgot tomention this part too, but a
month after, see, this is meforgetting all of 2023.
A month after Corbett died, hismom died, and so that was like
(17:08):
another big loss that Kingstonhad to deal with was his
grandmother passing away, and soit was really tough, because
Kingston was like I just, I mean, he was nine.
No, he was nine, okay, so he's10, he turns 11.
So, yeah, he was nine at thetime, and that's very heavy,
it's a lot for a nine-year-oldto carry, and then, in October,
(17:32):
one of his friends passed awayin a car accident, and so it was
just a super, super, super hardyear for him.
And then in 2024, you know,things kind of finally start to
wind down and it seems like lifeis getting on the right path.
And then in June we lostKingston's grandpa, and that I
(17:56):
mean obviously losing his dadwas very, very hard, but his
grandpa was like his best friendand so that was a huge loss and
, honestly, his grandpa was likea second dad to me also.
He always loved me as his own,even after the divorce.
He cared about Kingston, hecared about our whole family,
(18:17):
and so it was a really, reallyhard loss for everyone and, as
you can imagine, also forKingston's aunts and uncles, and
you feel the heaviness thateverybody's feeling at that time
, because it was just the wholefamily just was having loss
after loss after loss.
And so yeah, june was very, veryhard, but we ended up going to
(18:39):
Washington for his memorial andit was just really good for him
to spend time with his familyand be with everyone.
And I think if we have learnedanything through this is just
how short life is and part of melike I hate that Kingston has
to know that at such a young age, but I truly believe that God
(19:01):
is teaching him something that,like he's already so wise beyond
his years and just this, like Itruly hope that it helps him
never take life for granted,because, yeah, so that obviously
it's.
It's been a rough couple years,but just learning how to trust
God through it.
And I remember, especiallyafter my ex-husband passed away,
(19:24):
I was really struggling becauseof the way that it happened and
not having any answers.
We still don't know who did itand just I don't want to say
trusting God's goodness, but youknow, in the Bible where Jacob
is wrestling with an angel andit says that Jacob wrestled with
(19:44):
God.
And I felt like I was in one ofthose seasons where I wasn't
necessarily questioning God,like I've always loved him and
I've always been faithful as faras trusting in him and knowing
that he's real.
But I got to a season where Iwas like, okay, god, you're
going to have to show me yourcharacter, because right now I'm
confused.
(20:05):
I just everything that Ithought that I knew about you I
don't know if I know that rightnow and so I just I'm gonna need
you to, like, truly revealyourself to me in ways that I
haven't even experienced before.
And so I wrestled with God alot and just went back and forth
.
And I wrestled with God a lotand just went back and forth and
prayed and asked for answers.
(20:26):
And I just truly think that Godis so patient with us and I
don't think that when we gothrough things and we ask him to
show us his heart, that he'sdisappointed in us.
I think he wants to have thoseopportunities to share things
and I think it's tempting to belike gosh just when I thought
(20:47):
things were going good, my wholeworld falls apart.
And I think for a while I didhave that perspective.
But now I kind of switched mythinking and I'm like you know
how faithful is God that everyhe waited, you know, he made
sure that I was solid in myfoundation and my relationship
(21:07):
with him.
I was back in church, kingstonwas back in church.
You know I had an amazinghusband that was supportive and
was there for Kingston throughit, and we weren't just by
ourselves, you know.
And so, yeah, as hard as it was, just knowing that God was in
it even in the hardest time isreally helpful and then just
(21:30):
seeing his heart with Kingston.
I think and you probably knowthis as a mom too it's like when
we see God work in our kids'lives or we see our kids learn
something about Jesus, it's likewe learn it with fresh eyes.
We learn it for the first,learn it with fresh eyes.
We learn it for the first timein so many ways.
So, just kind of seeing hisgrace in Kingston's life and I
(21:53):
mean Kingston, he definitely hasquestions and he struggles and
even now he's like, you know, Idon't understand why all of this
had to happen to me, why, whydid God?
He said why did God choose me?
Why is this happening to me?
And I just I looked at himbecause he actually said that
last night too, and I just saidyou just need to know God didn't
do this.
This is not God do this to you,but he this is full on the
(22:16):
enemy did this to you, but Godis going to use it for good.
And so just remembering thatand, truthfully, the song Firm
Foundation has been such a likeanthem I mean, I have so many
songs that have been an anthemfor my life over this time, you
know like Firm Foundation, it'slike how grateful am I that my
(22:37):
foundation was in the Lord whenthis happened, because if not, I
don't think that I would stillbe here At least not as strong.
Kiley (22:51):
I think there's definitely something to be said
about finding beauty in theashes.
And when you mentioned Kingston, asking like why is this
happening to me?
Why did God choose me?
I know that you know our familysuffered a lot of loss over a
few years and Reese kind of hadthe same questions Like know
that, you know our familysuffered a lot of loss over a
few years and Reese kind of hadthe same questions Like why does
this keep happening to ourfamily?
Why is God doing this?
And the only thing that I couldtell her is that you know, this
(23:13):
is not something that Godwanted to happen.
This happens because there'ssin in the world and there is,
you know happens because there'ssin in the world and there is.
You know there's.
There's something that does notwant us.
It doesn't want good for us but,you can believe that God is
(23:34):
going to show up, he's going towalk with us, he's gonna, he's
gonna bring glory to his namethrough all of this.
So I'm thinking, with yourstory, kingston being such a
young age when all of this hashappened to him, think of how
ordained he already is.
Gianina (23:51):
And as he grows up.
Kiley (23:52):
Through his life, he's going to have such a testimony
to tell other people, and sothose stories that he's going to
tell people, that testimonythat he's going to give, is
going to lead more people to Godtell people.
That testimony that he's goingto give is going to lead more
people to God.
So this life is hard and itwasn't promised to be easy.
Of course, it wasn't the way itwas intended for us to be,
(24:13):
because God wants us to be inrelationship with him and
relationship with other people.
But I truly believe that he is.
He's not sitting sitting thererejoicing when this stuff
happens, like he cries with us.
He feels that pain because ithappened to his own son.
You know he was separated fromhis son for three days.
He, he, was not in relationshipwith his son for three days and
(24:36):
every emotion that was feltwith that he feels with us.
And so, you know, the one of thethings that I like to focus on
is that and while it's sad tofocus on this a little bit just
because this is my earthly, youknow humanly, self is like this
life is temporary, but we aresecure in our knowledge that
(24:59):
there is life beyond thisphysical life.
And you know this is and it's,it's hard and it's it's, it's
sad, but it can also be sobeautiful and it can be, so
rewarding.
And you know, you, you, I knowthat you're still going through
it, you're still processingthose emotions, but how have you
felt God in this situation?
(25:21):
Because I know there's been alot of hurt and there's been a
lot of heartbreak, but you knowif somebody else is going
through this as well.
You know how have you found Godin the midst of all of this?
Gianina (25:32):
Well, I think that one thing that is really beautiful
is just seeing how God redeemsall things, and if you think
about.
Even death, in a way, is such aredemption story, because the
purpose of life, you know, whenGod created the earth, is for us
to be connected and for us tobe in communion with each other
(25:54):
and to be connected to oneanother.
And because of sin we wereseparated and death is
ultimately going back to theoriginal plan where we are in
connection with the father.
And so even in this, just thatredemption story, I have to
remind myself of that.
And then I would say I don'tknow if you remember this, but I
(26:15):
had shared how Kingston hasalways been so fascinated with
heaven, ever since he was a baby, like, really young.
He would just ask so many deepquestions and he would have
dreams and visions of heaven andlike things that I never
thought of or ever experienced.
And I remember having this fearof like.
(26:36):
Why is he so obsessed withheaven?
Like is God going to take himsoon?
Like is something going tohappen?
And so just thinking about thathim soon, like is something
going to happen, and so justthinking about that, like how
God set up the stage for hislife to where, when he faced so
much loss, he knew where theywere going.
He knew what heaven was like andhe well, I can't say any of us
(26:57):
know what heaven's like, but heat least had an understanding of
what heaven is and yeah, andthings like that.
And so just God's faithfulnesshas been shown time and time
again through this situation andthrough just all of this
tragedy.
I think just seeing hisfaithfulness and everything and
seeing his patience, hispatience with me, has been a big
(27:18):
thing.
I feel like a lot of times whenwe go through things like this,
we think we have to put on amask with God, and I remember
even growing up in a churchwhere the belief was like I mean
, essentially, if you're sad,you don't have faith that God is
good, or you don't have faiththat he's sovereign, and so a
(27:38):
lot of times we put on this maskwith God of like you're
faithful and you're good, andall this stuff in my life is
amazing, because if I don'tthink that it's amazing, then I
don't trust you.
And yes, he is faithful andhe's always good, but he's so
patient.
I read the Psalms and just whereDavid is weeping and he's like
(27:59):
God, where are you?
How long are you going to letmy enemies have dominion over me
.
How long are you going to staysilent and so just giving myself
permission to feel those thingsand feeling God like, not
necessarily even giving me ananswer, but just like being
there and being like Iunderstand, I connect with you,
I'm here, even if I can't tellyou why this is happening.
(28:21):
I'm here and you know, throughthis whole season I was also
leading worship at church and sosinging songs like the goodness
of God and all these thingsthat I'm declaring time and time
again.
I wouldn't say I ever sangthose words without truly
(28:42):
believing them, but when I wouldlead worship and lead these
songs, I really pushed myselflike, okay, I'm not going to
stand up on a Sunday and singabout the goodness of God unless
I believe it.
So, god, you're going to haveto show me your goodness right
now, because I'm just not here,I'm not feeling it right now.
And so, truly, just like hispatience with us as his children
(29:03):
and that's the one thing Ireally want to encourage people
with is, be real in the seasonthat you're in, god isn't
surprised.
He's not surprised that you'rehere and in this situation.
And the more you even read thestories of Jesus, jesus got mad,
jesus got sad, he was hurt, hewas confused.
(29:23):
I mean even his last words onthe cross, god, why have you
forsaken me?
You know we read those as thisfluffy poetry, but Jesus was
probably mad to an extent oflike.
Really, now you're turning yourback.
Don't forsake me.
I need you.
And so, just remembering hispatience.
Kiley (29:43):
Yeah, and I think the beauty of it is that God can
handle our anger.
He can handle all of that stuffthat we throw at him because,
like you said, he's patient andhe's gracious and if you're
upset he understands, and Ithink it's just making sure that
you don't unpack and live there.
Yes, that's a big big thing.
Yeah, and when you were talkingabout leading worship, it
(30:07):
reminded me of a song that Iused to sing, and I used to sing
for my college group, and thetitle of the song is called
Because you Are, and itbasically talks about how I
can't feel you like othersaround me.
I don't kneel or close my eyeswhen I'm singing, but I'll
praise you because I know thatyou are good, I know that you
(30:29):
are all of these things and evenif I'm not feeling it this
moment, I'm still going to do itbecause I know that that's who
you are.
Yeah, sometimes that's all ittakes.
You know, you don't always, youdon't always have to have those
profound moments of worshipwhere you're just kneeling on
your knees and weeping all thetime.
(30:49):
Sometimes you know there'sthings going on that are really
hard and you don't feel likedoing it.
You don't feel like singing,you don't feel like praising him
, but you do it anyway becauseyou ultimately know that that's
who he is and he is there foryou.
He's walking with you and he'llbe there.
Gianina (31:07):
Yeah, and.
I think, just like standing onthose truths.
That was a big thing, for me andjust saying God, I don't feel
it right now, but I know this iswho you are.
Your word says this, so thatthis is who you are, because
this is what your word says andreally, if I can say this,
because I know people who arelistening are going to be on all
(31:30):
different walks of life, but ifyou don't know your, if you
don't spend time reading yourBible, you're not going to know
the truth about who God is orwho you are, and so when you
start to go through valleys,you're going to have a distorted
perception of who Jesus is andwhat he's doing, and that's why
(31:50):
you get a lot of these peoplethat you know.
No shame for anyone who feelsthis, but just encourage you to
dig a little deeper.
If you feel this, it's likewhen people say, well, god put
me through this to teach me this, or God made this happen so
that I could achieve this, orGod's not going to give me more
than I can handle, and it's likethat actually isn't biblical at
(32:15):
all, or isn't God at all?
Because he, I can tell you rightnow, God did not make Kingston
go through this so that he wouldbe a better evangelist one day,
Like he didn't make Kingston gothrough this so that he would
be a better evangelist one day,Like he didn't make Kingston go
through this so that he couldconnect with people better.
That I mean honestly.
Kiley (32:30):
That would be such an evil God to take one life to
benefit somebody else's ministrybut if you turn it in a way
that says, okay, God didn'tnecessarily make this happen,
but how?
Gianina (32:41):
can.
Kiley (32:41):
I use it to glorify him.
You know what can I learn?
Not that he's teaching me alesson, but okay, this has
happened.
So what do I take from this?
Gianina (32:51):
Yes, or like where is he in this?
What is he going to do withthis?
Or even, if we don't see it,saying okay, god, I know that
this has happened and it sucksand I know you didn't cause this
, but I trust that you're goingto turn it around for my good
because your word says thatthat's a promise, so I'm not.
It's again going back to Jacobwrestling with the angel, like
(33:13):
I'm not leaving until you blessme because you've promised
blessing or you've promised thatyou're going to turn it around
for good.
Yeah, just standing on thatword.
I know we kind of talked aboutthis last episode too, but like
making sure that you openyourself up to community,
because I know at least thefirst year I didn't do that and
(33:34):
it it caused for a lot of hurtbecause I expected people to be
there for me that weren't, and Imean people are going to let
you down, people are going tofail you and people are going to
walk away because it'suncomfortable for them when
you're going through something.
And it's not necessarily thatthey don't care about you, but
like people really suck athandling grief Like they just do
(33:56):
.
Kiley (33:57):
I agree.
You know, there's a lot oftimes when you, just you, just
you, don't know what to say, youdon't know what to offer you.
You say, can I do anything?
And they say I don't reallyknow.
And you say, can I do anything?
And they say I don't reallyknow.
And you know, you always hearabout, like, don't ask what you
can do, just say I'm going tobring you this meal tomorrow or
I'm going to do this for youtomorrow, instead of asking, you
know, permission and one of thethings to just kind of
(34:20):
backtracking a little bit.
Sometimes it takes time for Godto reveal himself in certain
situations, so it could be days,it could be months, it could be
years, and so what I would liketo encourage people to do is to
not stop, you know, praying forhim to reveal himself, and
sometimes it may not even happenthis side of heaven, and that's
(34:43):
a hard concept to grasp, and Ijust you know there's a lot of
things that have happened in ourlives too where it's like I may
not never know the reason why,and maybe it's not up to me to
understand it, and maybe it'snot up to me or it's not for me
to know, but I just have tobelieve that one day and I'm so
(35:04):
solid in this thinking is thatone day.
That one day and I'm so solidin this thinking is that one day
, everything will be made rightagain.
Yeah, oh for sure.
You know it may not beimmediate, but one day it will
be.
And I just I rest on thatknowledge and it just kind of
makes all of the pain and thesuffering you know somewhat
bearable knowing that this isnot going to last forever.
(35:27):
Yeah, definitely.
Gianina (35:30):
And I think if I can just end on one note is, chances
are, if we have peoplelistening to this, there's
somebody affected by addictionin some way.
And I remember when Corbett wasin rehab reading that it was
like one in four people strugglewith some type of addiction,
and when he was going throughrehab it truly was one of those
(35:52):
things where there was doctorsthere, there were people who
were homeless there, there werepeople who were therapists there
, and it's just like realizingthat addiction doesn't
discriminate against people.
And I think, if I can speak assomebody outside of addiction,
just to say that you're caredabout and you're not a
(36:12):
disappointment, and there arepeople who love you and care
about you and just want to seeyou get better.
And so there's no shame ifyou're listening to this and
you're like man, I've just hurta lot of people and that could
have been me in that situationor this could be the path that
I'm on and I just I've hurt toomany people to go back now.
I just want to encourage you.
(36:32):
It's never too late.
As long as you have breath inyour lungs, it's not too late.
And then, on the flip side ofthat, if you're somebody who is
faced with knowing people whoare addicted to drugs or alcohol
or other things, justremembering that they're a
person first before theiraddiction.
And.
I just want to encourage peopleto pray.
(36:53):
Let me see this person the waythat you see them, lord, because
God cares so much about themand they're just as much a child
of God as we are.
We're not any better justbecause we don't deal with a
certain thing, and so justshowing that mercy and that
grace to other people, I thinkif I, if I can encourage anybody
(37:14):
to just take a step back andlike look at people as more than
an addict and as more than whattheir sin is, and look at them
for just like their people first, they're all a son or a
daughter or a father or a motheror a cousin or a friend, and
they have somebody who caresabout them too.
Yeah.
Kiley (37:33):
And it's important to remember that everyone is
created in God's image.
So every person, like you said,every person that you see, has
God in them.
You know, like you said, heloves them, he created them.
You know, like you said, heloves them, he created them, and
so it sometimes it's hard tosee that because they're doing
things that you don't agree with, but it's it's true and it's a
(37:54):
constant reminder for us in ourfamily and for me myself.
It's like, okay, I may bereally upset right now or this,
this may be hurting me a lot,but they are still created in
god's image and god loves themjust as much as he loves me yeah
and yeah it's, we have a, wehave a, we have a redeeming
(38:16):
grace for sure.
Gianina (38:17):
Yeah, definitely that's been like my, my word, all of
this is just redeemed, like godcan redeem all things, and so
just just trusting, trustingyeah.
Kiley (38:27):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your heart and
sharing your story, and I hopethat it encourages people who
are listening.
If you are somebody that isstruggling with this or in any
capacity, if you're strugglingyourself with addiction, or if
you're a friend or family memberof somebody who's struggling,
reach out to your community andjust pray that God would reveal
(38:51):
himself in that situation.
We're so happy that you arewalking alongside us in these
stories and in this journey.
We hope that you would continueto be encouraged by all of the
amazing stories that are to come.
Gianina (39:05):
Thank you for walking through this with me today.
I know my story isn't easy toshare, but I also know that
God's goodness is found even inthe hardest moments.
If this episode spoke to you,I'd love for you to share it
with someone who might need tohear it.
And be sure to tune in nextweek.
We have an incredible mamajoining us who is sharing
straight from the trenches.
Her son just had open heartsurgery and she's walking
(39:29):
through this valley in real time, trusting God with every step.
You won't want to miss it.
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