April 29, 2025 • 45 mins
What happens when the life you carefully built crumbles beneath your feet? When Maggie Rouse discovered her husband's affair—and learned she was pregnant with their third child the very next day—her world shattered. Relocating across the country as a single mother with two young daughters was just the beginning. At 32 weeks pregnant, doctors diagnosed her unborn son with spina bifida, launching Maggie into a dizzying cycle of surgeries, hospital stays, and medical emergencies while simultaneously navigating divorce proceedings.
In this raw and deeply moving conversation, Maggie takes us into the darkest moments of her journey—the paralyzing anxiety, the desperate prayers, the feeling of falling endlessly with no one to catch her. "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop," she remembers crying out, grasping for any sense of control in a situation spiraling beyond her reach.
Yet within this darkness, something remarkable happened. As Maggie's desperation grew, so did her ability to recognize God's presence in what she calls "tiny miracles"—the journal that appeared precisely when she needed one, neighbors mowing her lawn without being asked, unexpected provision at critical moments. "When we actually start looking for God," Maggie reflects, "we actually start seeing Him."
The most profound revelation came through a therapist who helped Maggie understand that sometimes the highest form of love is letting go. While praying daily for God to restore her marriage, she eventually recognized that the true miracle wasn't happening in her circumstances but within her heart. "God won't always change our situations," she shares, "but He's always willing to change us in our situations."
Eight years after that devastating discovery, Maggie's testimony offers hope to anyone walking through their own valley. Whether you're facing betrayal, health crises, or seemingly insurmountable challenges, her story reminds us that healing is possible when we choose it daily. The sun will shine again, beauty will return, and one day you'll look back grateful for how God carried you through your darkest hours.
Listen in and discover that even when your prayers aren't answered the way you expected, God is still working miracles you can't yet see.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gianina (00:00):
Welcome back to the walkthrough podcast, where we
sit with real people walkingthrough real valleys and
discover the beauty of findingGod in the midst of it all.
Today, we are honored to bejoined by my good friend, Maggie
Rouse, a strong, faith-filledmother who has walked through
deep valleys of betrayal,divorce and the challenges of
raising a medically involvedchild on her own.
(00:22):
Her story is raw, honest andfull of grace.
Maggie opens up about thedoubts, the daily struggles and
how God is reshaping her faithand trust in this season.
Whether you're navigating yourown storm or standing beside
someone who is, thisconversation will remind you
that even in the unknown,there's presence.
So let's dive in.
(00:43):
Maggie, how are you doing?
I'm fabulous.
How are you Good?
Good, I love that.
This morning, when we weretalking about prepping for this
episode, you were like I justhad my daughter's birthday.
It's been kind of a crazy week.
I've been doing this, this andthis and I'm like this is
perfect.
This is like real life, realmotherhood, like you can't get
(01:06):
more raw than that.
So I love that.
But I would love if you couldjust share a little bit about
yourself and just your journeywith how you found God or how he
found you and what that'slooked like in your life.
Maggie (01:14):
Yeah, so I was raised in a Christian home.
I was saved when I was a littlegirl and from a young age I
remember just wanting to doright, make people happy.
I wanted to be a wife and a momand serve the Lord and I had
even come to a place where Ifelt like the Lord was calling
me into ministry and I went to aBible college and studied music
(01:39):
education and met my husbandthere and we got married and
started serving the Lord inyouth ministry.
We served in youth ministry fora few years.
I was teaching at a localChristian school and in 2012, we
made a decision to pack up ourhouse and move from North
Carolina all the way to thestate of Utah.
(02:02):
We were going to help ourfriends start a church there and
church plant and be a lightthere.
And it's just really thick herein the Bible Belt and the
further you move up west, upnorth, there's a greater need
for the gospel presented in theBible, and so we moved out there
.
And my oldest daughter, whojust turned 12 yesterday, she
(02:25):
was born there.
She actually was my firstmedical baby.
She almost died when she wasborn.
She had severe meconiumaspiration and was on a
ventilator for a week, came homeon oxygen and just kind of had
a rough start with her birththen as being a first-time mom,
and so she was born there.
My second daughter was alsoborn in Utah.
(02:48):
We had been living in Utah forabout five years and just
celebrated our ninth weddinganniversary and the next day
just kind of a huge.
It's one of those moments whereyou didn't see it coming.
But looking back you saw itcoming.
It's almost as if the Lord hadbeen speaking to me all along,
(03:13):
but I was ignoring His voice andthe warning signs.
I just blindsided and found outthat my husband had an affair.
The very next day I found out Iwas pregnant with my son, just
surprised baby.
My second daughter was only 10months old at the time and so
just unexpected, that just kindof left me in the darkest
(03:34):
moments of my life.
I remember just not even eating, not having a desire to eat.
I remember losing 10 pounds thefirst week post-discovery of
everything, just in a whirlwind.
My mom, she flew out to bethere to support me, and Maggie
then is definitely not theMaggie that exists today.
A lot of healing, a lot ofboundaries and all the things,
(03:57):
but in my current state, then Iwas a very, very desperate
person and I remember thisfeeling within the first few
days of just more things comingout more deception, more lies,
feeling like I was grasping atstraws.
And I can probably take you tothe exact spot in my garage in
Utah, where I was in the garageon the steps that led up to the
(04:21):
house and to the garage, and Iremember being on the phone with
my pastor at the time and Ijust I could close my eyes and I
felt like I was falling.
I felt like I was falling intothis black hole and nobody could
catch me, nobody could save me,and all I could say, over and
over weeping on the phone withhim, was make it stop, make it
(04:41):
stop, make it stop.
And I think we've all had somekind of moment like that where
we have felt so out of controland so desperate for help, for
anyone or anybody or anything,just to intervene and
drastically change our situation.
I was not in a place of tryingto stabilize myself or get help
(05:06):
for myself, because in my mind Iwould be okay if my marriage
was okay and I was trying to getus into counseling, trying to
get help and also just wantingto move back home.
Let's move back to NorthCarolina, let's get some help.
I thought, oh my gosh, this baby, this unexpected, surprise baby
(05:28):
, is going to save our marriage.
And, as many of us know, babiesare only sanctifiers.
Marriage and children aresanctifying parts of our lives
and they only reveal what iskind of already there.
And if you're not in a goodplace, a baby's not going to
save your marriage.
You know, with an unwillingpartner and so.
(05:49):
But in my mind I was like, well, maybe this baby will save our
marriage.
And I tried to stay and fightfor our marriage.
I tried to get him to move backwith us to North Carolina and
things weren't just.
They just weren't going the waythat I wanted them to.
I was still pretty resolved tomove, with or without him.
I knew I needed to come backhome, I knew I needed to be in
(06:11):
North Carolina, and so my momwas there.
After about like eight weeks,we sold the house that we were
living in.
My brothers flew out, a few ofmy brothers flew out and they
were going to drive my movingtruck back to North Carolina
with all my stuff in it and myhusband was going to stay there
(06:32):
and in my mind I believed I wassaving my marriage.
Like I just knew this is goingto save my marriage and we've
got to get away from here.
You know, begged him to comewith us and it was hard away
from here.
You know, begging to come withus and it was hard.
I think I've dealt with anxietymy whole life and just never
realized it.
But when I realized what it wasin my life was probably from
(06:54):
there on out.
It's like I became aware ofwhat it looked and felt like.
And I remember when I was stillthere I got so bad off with the
anxiety that I checked myselfinto an emergency room.
I was desperate for somemedication.
Hey, give me some Xanax, youknow, because I felt like I
could not function with theanxiety going on, with the
(07:17):
current situation and everythingcoming out and my marriage
falling apart.
And I'll never forget Icouldn't even cry, like I
checked myself in.
My mom was there with me.
I had given my babies to myneighbor to watch so I could go
to the hospital and I felt so Icouldn't cry.
It was just like a paralyzingstate, but I felt awful and I
(07:39):
sat there and they're like wecan't give you anything.
You're pregnant, sat there andthey're like you know, we can't
give you anything.
You're pregnant and that washard to deal with because I felt
tortured being awake and I justwanted to sleep.
But when bedtime would come Icouldn't sleep because your mind
is racing and you're thinkingabout all the things that have
happened or could have happenedand it's like torture to go to
(08:01):
bed at nighttime and not be ableto sleep.
But yet I wanted to sleep sobadly and I wanted to not be
gripped with anxiety and it wasjust a really hard time.
And so when I walked through myhouse that morning that we were
going to begin our drive back,my mom was going to drive with
me in my car and my girls, mybrothers, were taking the moving
(08:22):
truck.
And I remember walking throughmy house and making those final
goodbyes, like just in the home,like saying goodbye to the
memories and thinking about allthat had transpired there and
just feeling overcome with moreanxiety and just emotion and
crying and just it was just verysurreal.
(08:45):
It was like a nightmare.
But I was awake and walkingthrough my home and we hadn't
even been in that home very long.
We had bought this really bigdream house in a beautiful
suburb, wonderful neighborhood,great people, and it all just
came crashing down.
But when I drove out of thevalley that day, as I was
(09:11):
leaving the valley, there was adouble rainbow in the sky, and
in that moment, even though Iwas still clinging to oh, god
saved my marriage.
I remember thinking is a God ofhis promises and he always
keeps his promises.
So it takes us like four orfive days to get back to North
(09:34):
Carolina, and at the time thehome that I was going to be
moving into and renting was notavailable for another month, and
so I had to have my stuff putin storage and I lived with my
cousin for about a month beforebeing able to move into my home.
And at the time I was able torelocate and not worry about
finances because of I'm innetwork marketing and I was able
(09:58):
to work from my phone, and soit was such a huge blessing to
be going through such a hardtime of grief and transition and
to not have to worry too toomuch about finances.
But those following days werereally dark days.
I remember putting my oldestdaughter into like a preschool
program so she could have somesense of normalcy, and then my
(10:19):
second daughter.
She was still a baby and in allof this.
I was just really behind onestablishing maternal care
because I was eight weeks alongin my pregnancy when I moved.
It was probably towards.
We moved in July.
So June, you know, bigexplosion.
End of July, we relocate toNorth Carolina.
(10:46):
End of July, we relocate toNorth Carolina and it wasn't
until close to Thanksgiving timethat I got into a doctor's
office and got established withcare and they were doing the
anatomy scan and my ex-husbandwhich he was still my husband at
the time was visiting NorthCarolina for the holidays at
Thanksgiving and so he actuallywent with me to the appointment.
So he's actually there for thenext big surprise, and that was
(11:09):
the anatomy scan came backabnormal.
And I remember sitting thereand he's in the room with me and
I'm not even focused on myselfor my baby, I'm focused on hey,
lord, do a miracle.
In my husband's heart, you know, wake him up.
And just clinging every daywaking up and clinging to the
miracle that I believe that Godwould do.
(11:30):
And so we're sitting there inthe room and I'm thinking to
myself the doctor's taken areally long time to come in and
I kind of just had this feelingin the pit of my stomach.
And the doctor came in and hefeeling in the pit of my stomach
.
And the doctor came in and hepulls out the ultrasound and he
(11:52):
starts talking and he said, well, we're seeing some things.
And he talks about the smallhead, the club feet, and that
they were throwing outpossibilities of diagnosis that
were much more severe than whatit ended up being.
But they didn't have anydefinitive answers for me that
day and they were like come backin four weeks.
So I've got to go the next fourweeks over the holidays, until
(12:14):
Christmas time when I go backand have a friend with me.
That time I go back and myhusband at the time was still
living in Utah and I go backwith her and they do another
scan and this time they pick upon something else new and they
(12:35):
say, well, there's a lesion onhis spine.
And they kind of got a littlebit excited and I didn't
understand why, you know.
But they said, well, this canbe fixed.
And then they paused and theysaid, well, this can't be fixed,
but this is a better diagnosisthan what we thought this
originally was.
Yeah, which the first ideasthey were having would come with
(12:56):
, like serious, seriousdisabilities, not only physical
but also mental and moreinvolved care.
But they said he has spinabifida and so that was his
initial diagnosis.
And by the time I got my initialdiagnosis for my son I was like
32 weeks along.
(13:16):
So I've got eight weeks leftbefore this baby is supposed to
be born.
This baby is supposed to beborn and the next four weeks
that followed was picking outwhat kind of specialized
children's hospital I want tosee specialists at and have him
(13:37):
at.
And they switched me from aregular OBGYN to specialized
maternity care and with maternalfetal medicine and it was just
kind of this huge whirlwind withlots of specialists the spina
bifida specialist, theneurosurgeon, the orthopedic,
the urologist, just all kinds ofmeetings and appointments and
(13:59):
just so much.
And when I had already found outthat he was a boy before the
diagnosis, because I had gone toone of those like ultrasound
places where you do a genderreveal but they can't give you
any feedback on the anatomy.
So I already knew he was a boyand I was thinking about naming
him Ridge, because my mother'smaiden name is Etheridge and my
(14:21):
friend has suggested you shouldtake Ridge from.
Etheridge is Etheridge and myfriend has suggested you should
take Ridge from Etheridge andI'll never forget going to the
hospital that first appointmentand we crossed a intersection
and it said Ridge Road and I waslike, yep, okay, lord, that's
confirmation and that's what wedecided to name him.
He was scheduled to be bornFebruary 12th.
(14:42):
I got up there and got my IV inwe were going to do a C-section
.
And they come to my room andthey're like we can't do your
surgery today, there's no NICUbeds, and so I had to turn right
back around and come back thenext morning to have the
C-section and he was born andstill going through the
separation process, my husbandhad filed for divorce like three
(15:05):
months after I had left Utah,so the divorce process was
already rolling and he was bornand honestly, there's honestly
not enough time to get into allthe medical things that followed
for him.
There were times when he wouldlive in the hospital.
We would be back and forth tothe hospital, we would be there
(15:27):
for months on end.
One stretch was about two months, with us getting in and out for
a little bit.
He was three months old and Iremember I stopped counting all
of his surgeries and he had had12.
I stopped counting at 12surgeries when he was three
months old and honestly, I lookback and I think about observing
myself in those moments and ifI were observing another human
(15:49):
being walking through divorceand a medical diagnosis for
their child and all the medicaltrauma that has gone wrong with
that, and I don't have anyanswers for how I made it
through that, other than theLord, because it was the darkest
time of my life, having to showup for my children, be a mother
(16:09):
to them and also take care ofmy son.
While I'm going through divorceand just praying every day that
my husband wakes up and youknow, for the Lord to restore
our marriage.
Through the process, throughall the medical trauma, through
all the surgeries, thehospitalizations, the
appointments, the therapies, Iwas like pushing the divorce out
(16:31):
.
I was doing all I could do tolike delay the process because I
I thought God needed me to givehim more time to do that
miracle that you know I thoughthe should be doing.
You know, knock, knock, god.
Here's some more time for you,and again not in a healthy state
(16:51):
, still in my people-pleasingways, not practicing boundaries,
not practicing self-respect,just very much wanting to be
chosen and wanting to be loved,no matter the cost, no matter
the detriment to my emotional,mental or spiritual well-being.
I finally got to a place wherewe were getting close to two
(17:12):
years of separation, where, afew months before that, I just
finally started going to therapy.
And we were in the middle ofmediation and started going to
therapy and this woman saidsomething that no one else could
say to me.
I would not have listened toanybody else Because, remember,
I was grasping at straws.
(17:32):
I was looking for anyone,anybody, any family member, any
close friend, any spiritualleader that could talk some
sense into him, begging for help, begging for someone to
intervene in him, begging forhelp, begging for someone to
intervene.
I was, you know, working myselfto death, trying to control the
situation, to make it work, andpeople would say to me you need
(17:53):
to focus on the kids, maggie.
And I would think what are youtalking about?
Of course I'm focused on mykids.
Of course I'm focused on myselfand the kids.
I literally had no clue whatthat really looked like.
Now I do.
But I remember I started goingto therapy and I was sitting
there and you know positive meand I was like I'm still praying
(18:16):
for my marriage and for God torestore.
And I'll never forget shelooked at me and she said,
maggie, you don't have amarriage.
And that was probably thehardest thing I ever had to
swallow was hearing her say that.
She said you can pray for himall you want and you can pray
for God to work on him, but youneed to stop praying for your
(18:39):
marriage.
And I'm sure everybody willhave opinions one way or the
other, because I've learned whenyou go through divorce, people
think they know what you shouldbe doing and what you should be
praying.
That's another story foranother day.
But divorce feels like death.
I physically felt like I wasdying.
(19:00):
Physically felt like I wasbeing torn into.
The covenant was being torninto.
I could feel it emotionally,mentally, spiritually,
physically.
I wouldn't wish that on my worstenemy and when I would go into
my prayer closet after she toldme that she said you need to
stop praying for your marriage.
I remember I would pray for himand I would feel my flesh just
(19:24):
want so desperately to pray forour marriage, but I wouldn't.
I chose to stop doing thatbecause the Lord was showing me
that letting go is unconditionallove and as a human, I don't
think there's any higher form oflove that I could give someone
(19:46):
than to release them.
When we let go of what we wantthe outcome to be for ourselves
and we release them to thefather because, you know, he's
God's child too.
God loves Him just the way heloves me, and as I am His child,
(20:08):
as my ex-husband is His child,he can love us equally.
You know, just like with our ownchildren, and we see our
children like squabbling.
You know we feel squabbling.
Sometimes we intervene and wego.
You know, just like with ourown children, and we see our
children like squabbling.
You know we feel squabbling.
Sometimes we intervene and wego.
You know what.
I love you both, but I'm notgoing to let you hurt your
sister.
I'm not going to let you hurtyour brother and for me, I can
(20:30):
see that in the spirit where theLord will remove his children
who are hurting and who arebeing hurt over and over and
that's enough.
You cannot hurt my childanymore.
I love you both, but you cannothurt my child anymore.
I don't know if I would haveever left that situation if he
(20:51):
hadn't have left me, like theabandonment.
To me, the divorce was worsethan the affair, because that
was like the ultimate betrayal Ifelt like.
Now, looking back, I see howthe Lord released me, the way he
releases children from Egypt,and he got them out of there.
But when we're in it and all wecan see is what we want to see,
(21:12):
it's like well, god, why aren'tyou answering this prayer the
way I'm asking you to?
Am I not having enough faith?
Am I not being obedient?
Is there something I'moverlooking?
You know, and I was grasping atwhat I had control over because
I wanted it.
And you know, subconsciously,in one way or another, we want
(21:34):
it to be our fault, because thenwe can go and fix it, because
if I can take responsibility forthis, then I can go fix it, I
can clean this up and it'll befine.
But we cannot control the freewill of another person.
Gianina (21:49):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think what is you're such a
great example of is don't everjudge somebody.
Everybody is walking throughsomething or has gone through
something.
Like you can't look atsomebody's highlight reel or you
can't look at somebody'ssuccess that they're having or
what, where they're at now, andcompare your life to that,
(22:11):
because you never know what ittook them to get where they're
at.
Because I mean, honestly, whenI look at you see so much
strength and so much wisdom andjust your love for your kids and
how wise you are with, like,mental health things.
And I didn't know a lot of thispart of your story.
Of course I knew bits andpieces of it, but it's just a
(22:33):
good reminder for me and foreveryone just to realize like
you can think you know somebodyon the surface, but really keep
your judgments to a minimum,because you truthfully just
don't know what people have gonethrough.
And don't compare your life,because you know I can look at
you and say, gosh, maggie lookslike she has it all together and
(22:54):
she's juggling everything sowell and it's like I don't know
the trenches that you walkedthrough to get to where you're
at now.
Kiley (23:02):
And I think your story is a good reminder to people.
When you are praying forsomething to happen, god either
says yes or he says I have otherplans.
And so he did answer yourprayers.
It just wasn't in the way thatyou were anticipating, and it
kind of reminded me of one ofthe other episodes that we did,
(23:24):
where we talked about howrejection is sometimes God's
protection and I don't know,maybe he was protecting you from
something else to have like.
Maybe this was that naturalcourse that needed to be taken
in order to protect you fromsomething else you know later on
down the road.
I don't know if you can seethat or if you can see it now in
(23:44):
hindsight, but there's always areason for that and I think
that he's gracious enough toshow himself in those moments
and maybe him sending you tothat therapist was what you
needed, yeah.
Maggie (23:56):
I agree.
I think my biggest lesson thatI started to see when I started
choosing to heal and work on thethings that only I had control
over, was I prayed for a miracledaily.
Every day I would wake up and Iwould say is today the day,
lord, that you're going to wakehim up?
And when I began to heal, I sawthat he did do a miracle, but
(24:19):
it was in my heart.
He did a miracle in my heart.
God won't always change oursituations, because there are
people that have free will, buthe's always willing to change us
in our situations.
And I'm even still learningthat this summer will be eight
years since everything imploded,and in a different situation,
(24:43):
I'm still remembering and kindof dragging my feet, stomping my
feet, throwing a little tip fortantrum, that God is still
doing something, even if it'snot the way I want it to be.
Gianina (24:56):
Yeah, yeah.
One of the verses, as you weretalking, that God brought to
mind was in Joel 2, where hesays promises, I will repay you
for the years the locusts haveeaten.
And I just hear that over yourlife, like all of the years that
were stolen from you, whetherin your marriage or after your
marriage, or the trauma like inthose two years, especially
(25:19):
following your marriage, like Itruly feel like God is saying I
am not done yet.
I'm going to repay you for theyears that were stolen, and even
the double rainbow that you sawas soon as you said that it's
like a double portion, like he'snot just going to restore the
things that were taken from you,but you're going to get a
double portion back.
And so I just I want toencourage you with that, yeah,
(25:43):
because and even when you saidlike he did do a miracle and he
did a miracle, in my heart, likeabsolutely, but I also feel
like he's just not done, likethere's still another miracle,
there's still more miracles thathe's going to do, and every
tear that you cried during thattime and every prayer that you
prayed, even if you prayed notaccording to his will, in that
(26:04):
moment, like none of those arewasted.
Not a single prayer or tear iswasted.
Maggie (26:08):
I receive that.
Thank you so much, so good.
Gianina (26:11):
So, maggie, going through all of that situation, I
know that now you see itdifferently than you did then,
but do you feel like there wereways that God showed up in that
season that you see itdifferently now?
Can you kind of compare wherewas God in that season where you
thought he was and where do yousee now that he was throughout
(26:34):
that?
Maggie (26:34):
And where do you see now that he was throughout that
when we're going through thosetimes, we tend to kind of feel
like where is God?
And probably because he's notdoing the thing we want him to
do.
But he definitely met me in thesecret place.
I would be praying and it waslike he was sitting in front of
me and I was laying my head onhis lap and crying and praying
(26:59):
and he was.
Now I see how he was a husbandto me, how he's been a father to
my children, and it was duringprobably my son's hospital days
where I was so and going throughthe divorce.
I was so desperate for God, Ithought to myself, because I got
saved as a young girl.
I'm from a Baptist backgroundand I was always taught that,
(27:24):
hey, god doesn't work like hedid in the New Testament anymore
.
And the Holy Spirit juststarted revealing Himself to me
in my hospital room.
I started encountering him.
Well, he started encounteringme.
I would call them tiny miracles.
I have a million stories and Ididn't journal them all, but I
was so desperate to see him thatI think that's why he started
(27:48):
revealing himself to me.
I would be in my hospital roomand I would think I wish I had a
journal to journal some things.
I wish I had a journal tojournal some things.
And later that afternoonsomeone I hadn't seen in a
decade or two knew that I was inthe hospital and came by and
brought me a bag of stuff for meand there was a journal in
there.
Oh wow, that's so cool.
(28:10):
And I know people might saythat's a coincidence, but I
don't believe in coincidenceanymore.
Yeah, I really believe that heorchestrates every tiny moment
of our lives and if we actuallystart looking for him, then we
will actually see him.
And because I was so desperate,I just started looking for him
everywhere and he startedshowing up and other times.
(28:33):
I remember the house we wereliving in.
I didn't have a lawnmower, Ididn't have the ability to mow
my yard.
I couldn't afford to paysomeone.
My older neighbor would mow it,but sometimes inconsistently,
and I would drive down my dirtroad and I was like you know
what?
It's time for our yard to bemowed again.
And I'd get the kids inside andI was just thinking those
(28:54):
thoughts, didn't say them outloud.
And next thing I know I hear amower in my yard and my
neighbors come out to mow myyard, wow, and just so many
different stories like that, andeven like where Holy Spirit was
encountering my children and mychildren were speaking whatever
he had to tell me.
Then I was so desperate for Himbecause I just really felt
(29:14):
hopeless.
I thought there's got to bemore to God than what I've been
taught.
There's got to be more to Himthan what I know.
And I think I've learned thatwe humans we wouldn't have God
all figured out, because thenwe've got the formula and
there's less need to trust him,there's less need to rely on him
(29:36):
.
And through this I have tried.
Sometimes I still don't acceptit because my actions aren't
showing that I accept it.
But I've got to accept that,hey, I can't figure God out.
God isn't for me to figure out.
He is for me to love, he is forme to draw close to, he's for
me to trust.
And if I've got him all figuredout in my tiny meat box of
(29:57):
theology and doctrine, thenthere's no room for him to move
and work in my life.
Oh, that's good, that's a wordright there.
I yeah.
Oh, that's good, that's a wordright there.
Gianina (30:04):
I think that's from him right, and there's no faith.
There's no need for faith.
If you have all the answers andyou have it all figured out,
then there's literally no roomfor faith, which is the gospel.
So preach it, girl.
That was good.
Maggie (30:17):
Well, those words just came to me, so I think they were
from him.
That's great.
Kiley (30:22):
He's so good and faithful to show up when we need him.
He provides what we need.
I'm reminded of just a not noteven a little.
I don't know if it was a story,but I consider those to be love
letters from God, and and theycan come up in just such a
variety of ways, and I think thestory that comes to my mind is
(30:44):
um and I I know I'm going to getthis wrong and my dad's
probably going to correct me onit, but it's basically you know,
a woman goes on the beach andshe just is looking for a
starfish and she can't find astarfish anywhere and then, all
of a sudden, she turns aroundand there's hundreds of starfish
and it's God's love letter toher.
(31:07):
She's the only person in theworld that is seeing this in
front of her at that time.
And it can be in moments likethat, and it can be in moments
of having somebody just randomlymow your yard, even though they
didn't ask for it, but theyjust figured you'd need it, and
he shows up for us through otherpeople.
He shows up for us just inthings that we see in nature.
Gianina (31:31):
He's just, I don't know , he's pretty cool, he's pretty
cool and that's such a goodreminder to be sensitive to the
Holy Spirit as Christians, oreven just listen to that small
voice, because you never knowwhen you're that blessing for
somebody else where they needtheir lawn mowed, and you might
be like that's such a weirdthing, I'm not just going to go
randomly mow someone's lawn, youknow, but God is like, hey,
(31:55):
that's what they need in thismoment.
So I think just being us asChristians, being sensitive to
that, and you know, just askingGod, even on a daily basis, use
me where you want to use metoday and give me the knowledge
or wisdom of who I can help, sothat's really cool.
Kiley (32:12):
Yeah, and Maggie, I want to ask you, going through all
that you went through, if youcan just speak into I'm sure
that there are other peoplegoing through a similar
situation and there's peoplelistening that are supporting
somebody that's in a similarsituation.
What did you feel like fromyour community?
How, what was it that youneeded from them to get through
(32:35):
this?
You know, I know, that we relyon God to provide us with all
these things, but you know, wereyou yearning for people to do
something in particular that,just like showed you that they
were holding you as well?
You know, what kind of advicecan you give to people that
might be supporting somebody inthis particular situation?
Maggie (32:57):
I think that it is so important to let go of judgment
and show up in love, and I knowthat that's a human thing.
It's a human thing to think weknow how someone should handle a
situation.
But I know I had experiences.
I've had good experiences andI've had bad experiences in my
suffering, and you just neverknow who's barely hanging on a
(33:20):
thread and how we can pushpeople over the edge and with
the words that we say to them.
But just showing up in love,and whether or not we think
someone deserves what they'regoing through, or whether or not
we think they contributed to it, or whether or not we think
it's their fault, just being thehands and feet of Jesus and
loving them.
But I think that people saythings because they don't know
(33:45):
what else to say and then I alsothink that they're paralyzed in
action because they don't knowwhat to do.
And I think that we should justtake more action and we should
text somebody and say, hey, I'mbringing over supper.
What time is good for you?
Don't text people and be likeor call or say, hey, let me know
how I can help you, becausemost of the time they're not
(34:07):
going to reach back out orsometimes they don't know what's
up from down and they don'teven know what they need
sometimes.
Sometimes it's like I can't seethe forest for the trees.
And you know, offer to babysittheir kids and let them go get
coffee, make them a meal, havetheir house, pay for their house
(34:27):
to be cleaned, any kind of actsof service.
That would really just showlove and take something off
their plate.
I know most people only havetime to share or either money to
give and rarely both.
So if you have time to share,show up in those ways and do
those services on your own.
And if you don't have time butyou have generosity to give,
(34:49):
then do that, because it takesall types.
You know I've had people Venmome or order Grubhub while I'm
sitting in the hospital room.
There's all kinds of ways thatwe can love somebody and show
them that we care, and even justshowing up with them, just
sitting with them, not trying tosay something like well, god
has a reason for everything, orthis won't last forever, like
(35:15):
some of the common kind ofplasticky band-aids, all the
things we like to throw onsomething.
You know I'm not saying Job'sfriends did everything right,
but they were silent for a time,and they did sit there for a
time.
And so, man, just being withsomebody and being in their
(35:35):
space and offering them yourstrength when they don't have
any strength.
Gianina (35:40):
Yeah, I was kind of giggling when you said that,
because I was picturing Jesuslike saying to somebody instead
of meeting the need if he's like.
You said that because I waspicturing Jesus like saying to
somebody, instead of meeting theneed, if he's like you know
what?
I know you're hungry right now,but this isn't going to last
forever, you know instead ofsaying that, like if we want to
be the hands and feet of Jesus,like, literally, what did he do?
He fed people, he prayed forthem, he healed, you know just
(36:03):
all these different things, butI was just picturing the little
cliches that people say comingout of Jesus's mouth.
Maggie (36:09):
As you say that immediately what popped into my
mind was people will go I'mpraying for so-and-so, or
they'll say I'm praying for you.
Instead of we should go be thefeet, we should just go do the
thing that we're praying thatthey receive.
You know what I'm saying.
Gianina (36:26):
Yeah, for sure.
And I think one of the thingswhen I was a single mom that was
like a need that really helpedthat people don't usually think
of is I loved the strongChristian men that wanted to be
a part of Kingston's lifebecause he didn't have a strong
(36:46):
male role model and that was oneof my biggest fears and biggest
prayers was like God, hedoesn't have anyone to like
model his life after.
And so before I got remarried,I just remember God showing up
and just like he had an amazingmale teacher that was a man of
God and really helped him growin that.
(37:07):
And so for the people who dohave strong family homes where
there's a mother and a dad,invite the kids over for dinner.
Sometimes Guys go play catchwith the kids, take them out,
just do something with them.
I think that's for singleparents and single moms where
the dad isn't very present isliterally probably one of the
(37:27):
top things that you could do.
Yeah.
Maggie (37:30):
And I know that everyone's resources are going
to be different.
We are plugged into our localchurch and so therefore we have
some men that I've maderelationships with that are good
influences.
Them and their families and I'mfriends with their wives are
good influences on my kids andthe men that I trust.
I will ask them hey, will youdo this for Ridge?
(37:52):
Will you spend some time withhim?
And so I think that isimportant is is people stepping
up and we all can get so busy inour own lives that we forget to
be to others, what someone hasbeen to us and to pay it forward
.
But I agree with you their dadis still out of state and so
they don't know what it's liketo have a consistent male role
(38:15):
model in their life.
Kiley (38:16):
And.
Maggie (38:16):
I think it's so valuable for men.
I think you're right because Isee women culturally.
Whether it's right or wrong,they're usually the ones
stepping in to nurture and Ithink there's a great need for
Christian men to step in andlove some boys and young men who
might be growing up without agood role model in their life.
Kiley (38:38):
And sadly there's a lot of those, so yeah, so we've
talked about how other peoplecan support people going through
this, but what type ofencouragement would you give to
somebody that is walking througha similar struggle themselves?
Maggie (38:56):
I want to preface this by saying that no situation is
cookie cutter or the same, andwhat might have been what God
had me to walk out might not befor someone else.
You know, I don't have the bestadvice for someone that's still
clinging to their marriage,because mine fell apart, and I
(39:17):
can more easily advise somebodywho is about to go through
divorce or who is in an abusivemarriage or who has an
unfaithful spouse.
So be careful about who youseek counsel from.
Not everybody, even strongChristians.
They have different experiencesand if I'm looking for specific
(39:39):
advice, not everyone's going tobe able to help me with it.
You know, pray and use yourdiscernment on who to ask advice
from, but I think that what Iwould encourage someone in a
similar situation is man, yourlife's not over.
It's not over.
I know it feels like it.
I know that this is the worstthing that has ever happened to
(40:03):
you and your heart is broken andyou want so desperately to go a
different way.
And I see you and I sit withyou and I honor where your heart
is at.
But I promise you that God iswith you.
You can choose healing and youcan come out on the other side
(40:23):
and live a full life again andhave joy and have beauty, and
you can feel again and the sunfull life again and have joy and
have beauty, and you can feelagain and the sun will shine
again and things will bebrighter.
It won't diminish what you'vegone through, but you're going
to live again one day andthere's going to come a day
where you are going to be soglad and so grateful that the
(40:46):
Lord brought you out of whateversituation that you were in.
I really believe that.
Gianina (40:50):
I love what you said.
You said it just now and yousaid it earlier too.
You said when you choosehealing and it's so many times
we pray for God to heal ourhearts or heal this that's
happening in our lives and it'sso important to realize
sometimes we just have to chooseit, not to sit in the hurt and
(41:10):
not to sit in the pain andbetrayal and deception and anger
of everything that's happenedto you and actually choose your
healing.
So that's really powerful.
Maggie (41:21):
Amen.
I believe that we areco-creators with Christ.
He doesn't force us to doanything.
We have to choose to walk handin hand with him and go and heal
, and it is through his power,of course, that he brings that
to us.
But if he's extending ushealing and we're shaking our
heads and we're saying no, he'snot going to shove it down our
(41:42):
throats.
So, yes, it has to be chosen,it's an intentional choice.
Gianina (41:50):
Yeah, very cool.
So, yeah, it has to be chosen.
It's an intentional choice.
Yeah, very cool.
Well, I would love for you topray for our listeners, if you
wouldn't mind, and, um, I'd sayspecifically for someone who's
just in a season where theydon't see the end of the tunnel.
They're kind of like, I hearyour story and I think it's
really cool for you and God hasshown up for you, but I just
(42:10):
can't see the end in sight andI'm hurting and I don't see God
the way that you did in thosemoments and pray for them to, I
guess, have that reminder anddesire to seek out God Because,
like you said, you were sodesperate that you had to look
for him.
There was no other option, youjust had to find him, and so I
(42:32):
just feel like there's somebodyout there that is going through
that and they don't see anythingbut darkness right now.
Father God, I just want tothank you so much for these
ladies.
Maggie (42:41):
Lord, I want to thank you for this podcast and for the
many souls that you're going totouch through this, lord, and
how you're going to bring gloryout of this God, and I just want
to thank you for your glory,lord.
I just want to thank you, god,that you take our broken pieces
and our broken lives and thedarkness and the pits and the
valleys, lord, and you makesomething beautiful with it, and
so I just thank you for that,lord.
(43:02):
I thank you for the glory thatyou're bringing about in those
lives for those who arelistening, lord.
It's for them, your grace isfor them.
Your grace was madespecifically for their situation
.
God, we tend to think that yourlove and your grace and your
mercy is for this cookie cutter,nuclear family, god, but it's
not.
It's for every situation on theface of the earth, lord, that
(43:26):
you came to this earth for God,and so I just thank you for that
, lord.
I ask that you encounter ourlisteners, Lord, with your love.
Your word says perfect lovecasts out all fear, lord, so I
ask that you wrap them in yourlove and they feel your warmth.
So much love and light, god,that they can't even there's no
(43:47):
more darkness, as they are drawnto your light, Lord, I ask that
you heal their hearts, lord,and may they be open to
receiving what you have for them.
God, I thank you for thetestimony that you're bringing
about in their lives, lord.
They are not forsaken, they arenot forgotten, they are not
left behind.
They are not behind schedule,lord.
You are on time.
They don't even have to be ontime because you're on time.
(44:08):
So, god, I thank you forencountering them, lord, and for
putting people, lord, I askthat you put divine appointments
in their lives to give themmore tiny miracles, small
moments of your divineconnection, lord, in their
hearts and lives, so that theymay see you, lord, every face
that they come across, lord, maythey see your glory shining and
(44:28):
feel your love as it healstheir hearts.
Lord, I just thank you so muchfor what you're doing.
It's in Jesus' name we pray,amen.
Kiley (44:36):
Amen.
Well, maggie, thank you so muchfor sharing your heart and your
walk with us today.
It really is such a gift foryou to speak from the middle of
your story with suchvulnerability and courage, and
we just we appreciate your timewith us today.
If Maggie's story touched yourheart, we'd love for you to
share this episode with someone.
(44:57):
Leave a review and follow alongfor more powerful testimonies
like hers.
This truly helps us spread themessage to people who may not
hear about Jesus and hisfaithfulness in other ways, and
remember, whatever valley you'rewalking through, you're not
alone.
Keep walking, keep trusting andknow that God is right there
with you Until next time.
This is the Walkthrough Podcast.
Welcome back to the walkthrough podcast, where we
sit with real people walkingthrough real valleys and
discover the beauty of findingGod in the midst of it all.
Today, we are honored to bejoined by my good friend, Maggie
Rouse, a strong, faith-filledmother who has walked through
deep valleys of betrayal,divorce and the challenges of
raising a medically involvedchild on her own.
(00:22):
Her story is raw, honest andfull of grace.
Maggie opens up about thedoubts, the daily struggles and
how God is reshaping her faithand trust in this season.
Whether you're navigating yourown storm or standing beside
someone who is, thisconversation will remind you
that even in the unknown,there's presence.
So let's dive in.
(00:43):
Maggie, how are you doing?
I'm fabulous.
How are you Good?
Good, I love that.
This morning, when we weretalking about prepping for this
episode, you were like I justhad my daughter's birthday.
It's been kind of a crazy week.
I've been doing this, this andthis and I'm like this is
perfect.
This is like real life, realmotherhood, like you can't get
(01:06):
more raw than that.
So I love that.
But I would love if you couldjust share a little bit about
yourself and just your journeywith how you found God or how he
found you and what that'slooked like in your life.
Maggie (01:14):
Yeah, so I was raised in a Christian home.
I was saved when I was a littlegirl and from a young age I
remember just wanting to doright, make people happy.
I wanted to be a wife and a momand serve the Lord and I had
even come to a place where Ifelt like the Lord was calling
me into ministry and I went to aBible college and studied music
(01:39):
education and met my husbandthere and we got married and
started serving the Lord inyouth ministry.
We served in youth ministry fora few years.
I was teaching at a localChristian school and in 2012, we
made a decision to pack up ourhouse and move from North
Carolina all the way to thestate of Utah.
(02:02):
We were going to help ourfriends start a church there and
church plant and be a lightthere.
And it's just really thick herein the Bible Belt and the
further you move up west, upnorth, there's a greater need
for the gospel presented in theBible, and so we moved out there
.
And my oldest daughter, whojust turned 12 yesterday, she
(02:25):
was born there.
She actually was my firstmedical baby.
She almost died when she wasborn.
She had severe meconiumaspiration and was on a
ventilator for a week, came homeon oxygen and just kind of had
a rough start with her birththen as being a first-time mom,
and so she was born there.
My second daughter was alsoborn in Utah.
(02:48):
We had been living in Utah forabout five years and just
celebrated our ninth weddinganniversary and the next day
just kind of a huge.
It's one of those moments whereyou didn't see it coming.
But looking back you saw itcoming.
It's almost as if the Lord hadbeen speaking to me all along,
(03:13):
but I was ignoring His voice andthe warning signs.
I just blindsided and found outthat my husband had an affair.
The very next day I found out Iwas pregnant with my son, just
surprised baby.
My second daughter was only 10months old at the time and so
just unexpected, that just kindof left me in the darkest
(03:34):
moments of my life.
I remember just not even eating, not having a desire to eat.
I remember losing 10 pounds thefirst week post-discovery of
everything, just in a whirlwind.
My mom, she flew out to bethere to support me, and Maggie
then is definitely not theMaggie that exists today.
A lot of healing, a lot ofboundaries and all the things,
(03:57):
but in my current state, then Iwas a very, very desperate
person and I remember thisfeeling within the first few
days of just more things comingout more deception, more lies,
feeling like I was grasping atstraws.
And I can probably take you tothe exact spot in my garage in
Utah, where I was in the garageon the steps that led up to the
(04:21):
house and to the garage, and Iremember being on the phone with
my pastor at the time and Ijust I could close my eyes and I
felt like I was falling.
I felt like I was falling intothis black hole and nobody could
catch me, nobody could save me,and all I could say, over and
over weeping on the phone withhim, was make it stop, make it
(04:41):
stop, make it stop.
And I think we've all had somekind of moment like that where
we have felt so out of controland so desperate for help, for
anyone or anybody or anything,just to intervene and
drastically change our situation.
I was not in a place of tryingto stabilize myself or get help
(05:06):
for myself, because in my mind Iwould be okay if my marriage
was okay and I was trying to getus into counseling, trying to
get help and also just wantingto move back home.
Let's move back to NorthCarolina, let's get some help.
I thought, oh my gosh, this baby, this unexpected, surprise baby
(05:28):
, is going to save our marriage.
And, as many of us know, babiesare only sanctifiers.
Marriage and children aresanctifying parts of our lives
and they only reveal what iskind of already there.
And if you're not in a goodplace, a baby's not going to
save your marriage.
You know, with an unwillingpartner and so.
(05:49):
But in my mind I was like, well, maybe this baby will save our
marriage.
And I tried to stay and fightfor our marriage.
I tried to get him to move backwith us to North Carolina and
things weren't just.
They just weren't going the waythat I wanted them to.
I was still pretty resolved tomove, with or without him.
I knew I needed to come backhome, I knew I needed to be in
(06:11):
North Carolina, and so my momwas there.
After about like eight weeks,we sold the house that we were
living in.
My brothers flew out, a few ofmy brothers flew out and they
were going to drive my movingtruck back to North Carolina
with all my stuff in it and myhusband was going to stay there
(06:32):
and in my mind I believed I wassaving my marriage.
Like I just knew this is goingto save my marriage and we've
got to get away from here.
You know, begged him to comewith us and it was hard away
from here.
You know, begging to come withus and it was hard.
I think I've dealt with anxietymy whole life and just never
realized it.
But when I realized what it wasin my life was probably from
(06:54):
there on out.
It's like I became aware ofwhat it looked and felt like.
And I remember when I was stillthere I got so bad off with the
anxiety that I checked myselfinto an emergency room.
I was desperate for somemedication.
Hey, give me some Xanax, youknow, because I felt like I
could not function with theanxiety going on, with the
(07:17):
current situation and everythingcoming out and my marriage
falling apart.
And I'll never forget Icouldn't even cry, like I
checked myself in.
My mom was there with me.
I had given my babies to myneighbor to watch so I could go
to the hospital and I felt so Icouldn't cry.
It was just like a paralyzingstate, but I felt awful and I
(07:39):
sat there and they're like wecan't give you anything.
You're pregnant, sat there andthey're like you know, we can't
give you anything.
You're pregnant and that washard to deal with because I felt
tortured being awake and I justwanted to sleep.
But when bedtime would come Icouldn't sleep because your mind
is racing and you're thinkingabout all the things that have
happened or could have happenedand it's like torture to go to
(08:01):
bed at nighttime and not be ableto sleep.
But yet I wanted to sleep sobadly and I wanted to not be
gripped with anxiety and it wasjust a really hard time.
And so when I walked through myhouse that morning that we were
going to begin our drive back,my mom was going to drive with
me in my car and my girls, mybrothers, were taking the moving
(08:22):
truck.
And I remember walking throughmy house and making those final
goodbyes, like just in the home,like saying goodbye to the
memories and thinking about allthat had transpired there and
just feeling overcome with moreanxiety and just emotion and
crying and just it was just verysurreal.
(08:45):
It was like a nightmare.
But I was awake and walkingthrough my home and we hadn't
even been in that home very long.
We had bought this really bigdream house in a beautiful
suburb, wonderful neighborhood,great people, and it all just
came crashing down.
But when I drove out of thevalley that day, as I was
(09:11):
leaving the valley, there was adouble rainbow in the sky, and
in that moment, even though Iwas still clinging to oh, god
saved my marriage.
I remember thinking is a God ofhis promises and he always
keeps his promises.
So it takes us like four orfive days to get back to North
(09:34):
Carolina, and at the time thehome that I was going to be
moving into and renting was notavailable for another month, and
so I had to have my stuff putin storage and I lived with my
cousin for about a month beforebeing able to move into my home.
And at the time I was able torelocate and not worry about
finances because of I'm innetwork marketing and I was able
(09:58):
to work from my phone, and soit was such a huge blessing to
be going through such a hardtime of grief and transition and
to not have to worry too toomuch about finances.
But those following days werereally dark days.
I remember putting my oldestdaughter into like a preschool
program so she could have somesense of normalcy, and then my
(10:19):
second daughter.
She was still a baby and in allof this.
I was just really behind onestablishing maternal care
because I was eight weeks alongin my pregnancy when I moved.
It was probably towards.
We moved in July.
So June, you know, bigexplosion.
End of July, we relocate toNorth Carolina.
(10:46):
End of July, we relocate toNorth Carolina and it wasn't
until close to Thanksgiving timethat I got into a doctor's
office and got established withcare and they were doing the
anatomy scan and my ex-husbandwhich he was still my husband at
the time was visiting NorthCarolina for the holidays at
Thanksgiving and so he actuallywent with me to the appointment.
So he's actually there for thenext big surprise, and that was
(11:09):
the anatomy scan came backabnormal.
And I remember sitting thereand he's in the room with me and
I'm not even focused on myselfor my baby, I'm focused on hey,
lord, do a miracle.
In my husband's heart, you know, wake him up.
And just clinging every daywaking up and clinging to the
miracle that I believe that Godwould do.
(11:30):
And so we're sitting there inthe room and I'm thinking to
myself the doctor's taken areally long time to come in and
I kind of just had this feelingin the pit of my stomach.
And the doctor came in and hefeeling in the pit of my stomach
.
And the doctor came in and hepulls out the ultrasound and he
(11:52):
starts talking and he said, well, we're seeing some things.
And he talks about the smallhead, the club feet, and that
they were throwing outpossibilities of diagnosis that
were much more severe than whatit ended up being.
But they didn't have anydefinitive answers for me that
day and they were like come backin four weeks.
So I've got to go the next fourweeks over the holidays, until
(12:14):
Christmas time when I go backand have a friend with me.
That time I go back and myhusband at the time was still
living in Utah and I go backwith her and they do another
scan and this time they pick upon something else new and they
(12:35):
say, well, there's a lesion onhis spine.
And they kind of got a littlebit excited and I didn't
understand why, you know.
But they said, well, this canbe fixed.
And then they paused and theysaid, well, this can't be fixed,
but this is a better diagnosisthan what we thought this
originally was.
Yeah, which the first ideasthey were having would come with
(12:56):
, like serious, seriousdisabilities, not only physical
but also mental and moreinvolved care.
But they said he has spinabifida and so that was his
initial diagnosis.
And by the time I got my initialdiagnosis for my son I was like
32 weeks along.
(13:16):
So I've got eight weeks leftbefore this baby is supposed to
be born.
This baby is supposed to beborn and the next four weeks
that followed was picking outwhat kind of specialized
children's hospital I want tosee specialists at and have him
(13:37):
at.
And they switched me from aregular OBGYN to specialized
maternity care and with maternalfetal medicine and it was just
kind of this huge whirlwind withlots of specialists the spina
bifida specialist, theneurosurgeon, the orthopedic,
the urologist, just all kinds ofmeetings and appointments and
(13:59):
just so much.
And when I had already found outthat he was a boy before the
diagnosis, because I had gone toone of those like ultrasound
places where you do a genderreveal but they can't give you
any feedback on the anatomy.
So I already knew he was a boyand I was thinking about naming
him Ridge, because my mother'smaiden name is Etheridge and my
(14:21):
friend has suggested you shouldtake Ridge from.
Etheridge is Etheridge and myfriend has suggested you should
take Ridge from Etheridge andI'll never forget going to the
hospital that first appointmentand we crossed a intersection
and it said Ridge Road and I waslike, yep, okay, lord, that's
confirmation and that's what wedecided to name him.
He was scheduled to be bornFebruary 12th.
(14:42):
I got up there and got my IV inwe were going to do a C-section
.
And they come to my room andthey're like we can't do your
surgery today, there's no NICUbeds, and so I had to turn right
back around and come back thenext morning to have the
C-section and he was born andstill going through the
separation process, my husbandhad filed for divorce like three
(15:05):
months after I had left Utah,so the divorce process was
already rolling and he was bornand honestly, there's honestly
not enough time to get into allthe medical things that followed
for him.
There were times when he wouldlive in the hospital.
We would be back and forth tothe hospital, we would be there
(15:27):
for months on end.
One stretch was about two months, with us getting in and out for
a little bit.
He was three months old and Iremember I stopped counting all
of his surgeries and he had had12.
I stopped counting at 12surgeries when he was three
months old and honestly, I lookback and I think about observing
myself in those moments and ifI were observing another human
(15:49):
being walking through divorceand a medical diagnosis for
their child and all the medicaltrauma that has gone wrong with
that, and I don't have anyanswers for how I made it
through that, other than theLord, because it was the darkest
time of my life, having to showup for my children, be a mother
(16:09):
to them and also take care ofmy son.
While I'm going through divorceand just praying every day that
my husband wakes up and youknow, for the Lord to restore
our marriage.
Through the process, throughall the medical trauma, through
all the surgeries, thehospitalizations, the
appointments, the therapies, Iwas like pushing the divorce out
(16:31):
.
I was doing all I could do tolike delay the process because I
I thought God needed me to givehim more time to do that
miracle that you know I thoughthe should be doing.
You know, knock, knock, god.
Here's some more time for you,and again not in a healthy state
(16:51):
, still in my people-pleasingways, not practicing boundaries,
not practicing self-respect,just very much wanting to be
chosen and wanting to be loved,no matter the cost, no matter
the detriment to my emotional,mental or spiritual well-being.
I finally got to a place wherewe were getting close to two
(17:12):
years of separation, where, afew months before that, I just
finally started going to therapy.
And we were in the middle ofmediation and started going to
therapy and this woman saidsomething that no one else could
say to me.
I would not have listened toanybody else Because, remember,
I was grasping at straws.
(17:32):
I was looking for anyone,anybody, any family member, any
close friend, any spiritualleader that could talk some
sense into him, begging for help, begging for someone to
intervene in him, begging forhelp, begging for someone to
intervene.
I was, you know, working myselfto death, trying to control the
situation, to make it work, andpeople would say to me you need
(17:53):
to focus on the kids, maggie.
And I would think what are youtalking about?
Of course I'm focused on mykids.
Of course I'm focused on myselfand the kids.
I literally had no clue whatthat really looked like.
Now I do.
But I remember I started goingto therapy and I was sitting
there and you know positive meand I was like I'm still praying
(18:16):
for my marriage and for God torestore.
And I'll never forget shelooked at me and she said,
maggie, you don't have amarriage.
And that was probably thehardest thing I ever had to
swallow was hearing her say that.
She said you can pray for himall you want and you can pray
for God to work on him, but youneed to stop praying for your
(18:39):
marriage.
And I'm sure everybody willhave opinions one way or the
other, because I've learned whenyou go through divorce, people
think they know what you shouldbe doing and what you should be
praying.
That's another story foranother day.
But divorce feels like death.
I physically felt like I wasdying.
(19:00):
Physically felt like I wasbeing torn into.
The covenant was being torninto.
I could feel it emotionally,mentally, spiritually,
physically.
I wouldn't wish that on my worstenemy and when I would go into
my prayer closet after she toldme that she said you need to
stop praying for your marriage.
I remember I would pray for himand I would feel my flesh just
(19:24):
want so desperately to pray forour marriage, but I wouldn't.
I chose to stop doing thatbecause the Lord was showing me
that letting go is unconditionallove and as a human, I don't
think there's any higher form oflove that I could give someone
(19:46):
than to release them.
When we let go of what we wantthe outcome to be for ourselves
and we release them to thefather because, you know, he's
God's child too.
God loves Him just the way heloves me, and as I am His child,
(20:08):
as my ex-husband is His child,he can love us equally.
You know, just like with our ownchildren, and we see our
children like squabbling.
You know we feel squabbling.
Sometimes we intervene and wego.
You know, just like with ourown children, and we see our
children like squabbling.
You know we feel squabbling.
Sometimes we intervene and wego.
You know what.
I love you both, but I'm notgoing to let you hurt your
sister.
I'm not going to let you hurtyour brother and for me, I can
(20:30):
see that in the spirit where theLord will remove his children
who are hurting and who arebeing hurt over and over and
that's enough.
You cannot hurt my childanymore.
I love you both, but you cannothurt my child anymore.
I don't know if I would haveever left that situation if he
(20:51):
hadn't have left me, like theabandonment.
To me, the divorce was worsethan the affair, because that
was like the ultimate betrayal Ifelt like.
Now, looking back, I see howthe Lord released me, the way he
releases children from Egypt,and he got them out of there.
But when we're in it and all wecan see is what we want to see,
(21:12):
it's like well, god, why aren'tyou answering this prayer the
way I'm asking you to?
Am I not having enough faith?
Am I not being obedient?
Is there something I'moverlooking?
You know, and I was grasping atwhat I had control over because
I wanted it.
And you know, subconsciously,in one way or another, we want
(21:34):
it to be our fault, because thenwe can go and fix it, because
if I can take responsibility forthis, then I can go fix it, I
can clean this up and it'll befine.
But we cannot control the freewill of another person.
Gianina (21:49):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think what is you're such a
great example of is don't everjudge somebody.
Everybody is walking throughsomething or has gone through
something.
Like you can't look atsomebody's highlight reel or you
can't look at somebody'ssuccess that they're having or
what, where they're at now, andcompare your life to that,
(22:11):
because you never know what ittook them to get where they're
at.
Because I mean, honestly, whenI look at you see so much
strength and so much wisdom andjust your love for your kids and
how wise you are with, like,mental health things.
And I didn't know a lot of thispart of your story.
Of course I knew bits andpieces of it, but it's just a
(22:33):
good reminder for me and foreveryone just to realize like
you can think you know somebodyon the surface, but really keep
your judgments to a minimum,because you truthfully just
don't know what people have gonethrough.
And don't compare your life,because you know I can look at
you and say, gosh, maggie lookslike she has it all together and
(22:54):
she's juggling everything sowell and it's like I don't know
the trenches that you walkedthrough to get to where you're
at now.
Kiley (23:02):
And I think your story is a good reminder to people.
When you are praying forsomething to happen, god either
says yes or he says I have otherplans.
And so he did answer yourprayers.
It just wasn't in the way thatyou were anticipating, and it
kind of reminded me of one ofthe other episodes that we did,
(23:24):
where we talked about howrejection is sometimes God's
protection and I don't know,maybe he was protecting you from
something else to have like.
Maybe this was that naturalcourse that needed to be taken
in order to protect you fromsomething else you know later on
down the road.
I don't know if you can seethat or if you can see it now in
(23:44):
hindsight, but there's always areason for that and I think
that he's gracious enough toshow himself in those moments
and maybe him sending you tothat therapist was what you
needed, yeah.
Maggie (23:56):
I agree.
I think my biggest lesson thatI started to see when I started
choosing to heal and work on thethings that only I had control
over, was I prayed for a miracledaily.
Every day I would wake up and Iwould say is today the day,
lord, that you're going to wakehim up?
And when I began to heal, I sawthat he did do a miracle, but
(24:19):
it was in my heart.
He did a miracle in my heart.
God won't always change oursituations, because there are
people that have free will, buthe's always willing to change us
in our situations.
And I'm even still learningthat this summer will be eight
years since everything imploded,and in a different situation,
(24:43):
I'm still remembering and kindof dragging my feet, stomping my
feet, throwing a little tip fortantrum, that God is still
doing something, even if it'snot the way I want it to be.
Gianina (24:56):
Yeah, yeah.
One of the verses, as you weretalking, that God brought to
mind was in Joel 2, where hesays promises, I will repay you
for the years the locusts haveeaten.
And I just hear that over yourlife, like all of the years that
were stolen from you, whetherin your marriage or after your
marriage, or the trauma like inthose two years, especially
(25:19):
following your marriage, like Itruly feel like God is saying I
am not done yet.
I'm going to repay you for theyears that were stolen, and even
the double rainbow that you sawas soon as you said that it's
like a double portion, like he'snot just going to restore the
things that were taken from you,but you're going to get a
double portion back.
And so I just I want toencourage you with that, yeah,
(25:43):
because and even when you saidlike he did do a miracle and he
did a miracle, in my heart, likeabsolutely, but I also feel
like he's just not done, likethere's still another miracle,
there's still more miracles thathe's going to do, and every
tear that you cried during thattime and every prayer that you
prayed, even if you prayed notaccording to his will, in that
(26:04):
moment, like none of those arewasted.
Not a single prayer or tear iswasted.
Maggie (26:08):
I receive that.
Thank you so much, so good.
Gianina (26:11):
So, maggie, going through all of that situation, I
know that now you see itdifferently than you did then,
but do you feel like there wereways that God showed up in that
season that you see itdifferently now?
Can you kind of compare wherewas God in that season where you
thought he was and where do yousee now that he was throughout
(26:34):
that?
Maggie (26:34):
And where do you see now that he was throughout that
when we're going through thosetimes, we tend to kind of feel
like where is God?
And probably because he's notdoing the thing we want him to
do.
But he definitely met me in thesecret place.
I would be praying and it waslike he was sitting in front of
me and I was laying my head onhis lap and crying and praying
(26:59):
and he was.
Now I see how he was a husbandto me, how he's been a father to
my children, and it was duringprobably my son's hospital days
where I was so and going throughthe divorce.
I was so desperate for God, Ithought to myself, because I got
saved as a young girl.
I'm from a Baptist backgroundand I was always taught that,
(27:24):
hey, god doesn't work like hedid in the New Testament anymore
.
And the Holy Spirit juststarted revealing Himself to me
in my hospital room.
I started encountering him.
Well, he started encounteringme.
I would call them tiny miracles.
I have a million stories and Ididn't journal them all, but I
was so desperate to see him thatI think that's why he started
(27:48):
revealing himself to me.
I would be in my hospital roomand I would think I wish I had a
journal to journal some things.
I wish I had a journal tojournal some things.
And later that afternoonsomeone I hadn't seen in a
decade or two knew that I was inthe hospital and came by and
brought me a bag of stuff for meand there was a journal in
there.
Oh wow, that's so cool.
(28:10):
And I know people might saythat's a coincidence, but I
don't believe in coincidenceanymore.
Yeah, I really believe that heorchestrates every tiny moment
of our lives and if we actuallystart looking for him, then we
will actually see him.
And because I was so desperate,I just started looking for him
everywhere and he startedshowing up and other times.
(28:33):
I remember the house we wereliving in.
I didn't have a lawnmower, Ididn't have the ability to mow
my yard.
I couldn't afford to paysomeone.
My older neighbor would mow it,but sometimes inconsistently,
and I would drive down my dirtroad and I was like you know
what?
It's time for our yard to bemowed again.
And I'd get the kids inside andI was just thinking those
(28:54):
thoughts, didn't say them outloud.
And next thing I know I hear amower in my yard and my
neighbors come out to mow myyard, wow, and just so many
different stories like that, andeven like where Holy Spirit was
encountering my children and mychildren were speaking whatever
he had to tell me.
Then I was so desperate for Himbecause I just really felt
(29:14):
hopeless.
I thought there's got to bemore to God than what I've been
taught.
There's got to be more to Himthan what I know.
And I think I've learned thatwe humans we wouldn't have God
all figured out, because thenwe've got the formula and
there's less need to trust him,there's less need to rely on him
(29:36):
.
And through this I have tried.
Sometimes I still don't acceptit because my actions aren't
showing that I accept it.
But I've got to accept that,hey, I can't figure God out.
God isn't for me to figure out.
He is for me to love, he is forme to draw close to, he's for
me to trust.
And if I've got him all figuredout in my tiny meat box of
(29:57):
theology and doctrine, thenthere's no room for him to move
and work in my life.
Oh, that's good, that's a wordright there.
I yeah.
Oh, that's good, that's a wordright there.
Gianina (30:04):
I think that's from him right, and there's no faith.
There's no need for faith.
If you have all the answers andyou have it all figured out,
then there's literally no roomfor faith, which is the gospel.
So preach it, girl.
That was good.
Maggie (30:17):
Well, those words just came to me, so I think they were
from him.
That's great.
Kiley (30:22):
He's so good and faithful to show up when we need him.
He provides what we need.
I'm reminded of just a not noteven a little.
I don't know if it was a story,but I consider those to be love
letters from God, and and theycan come up in just such a
variety of ways, and I think thestory that comes to my mind is
(30:44):
um and I I know I'm going to getthis wrong and my dad's
probably going to correct me onit, but it's basically you know,
a woman goes on the beach andshe just is looking for a
starfish and she can't find astarfish anywhere and then, all
of a sudden, she turns aroundand there's hundreds of starfish
and it's God's love letter toher.
(31:07):
She's the only person in theworld that is seeing this in
front of her at that time.
And it can be in moments likethat, and it can be in moments
of having somebody just randomlymow your yard, even though they
didn't ask for it, but theyjust figured you'd need it, and
he shows up for us through otherpeople.
He shows up for us just inthings that we see in nature.
Gianina (31:31):
He's just, I don't know , he's pretty cool, he's pretty
cool and that's such a goodreminder to be sensitive to the
Holy Spirit as Christians, oreven just listen to that small
voice, because you never knowwhen you're that blessing for
somebody else where they needtheir lawn mowed, and you might
be like that's such a weirdthing, I'm not just going to go
randomly mow someone's lawn, youknow, but God is like, hey,
(31:55):
that's what they need in thismoment.
So I think just being us asChristians, being sensitive to
that, and you know, just askingGod, even on a daily basis, use
me where you want to use metoday and give me the knowledge
or wisdom of who I can help, sothat's really cool.
Kiley (32:12):
Yeah, and Maggie, I want to ask you, going through all
that you went through, if youcan just speak into I'm sure
that there are other peoplegoing through a similar
situation and there's peoplelistening that are supporting
somebody that's in a similarsituation.
What did you feel like fromyour community?
How, what was it that youneeded from them to get through
(32:35):
this?
You know, I know, that we relyon God to provide us with all
these things, but you know, wereyou yearning for people to do
something in particular that,just like showed you that they
were holding you as well?
You know, what kind of advicecan you give to people that
might be supporting somebody inthis particular situation?
Maggie (32:57):
I think that it is so important to let go of judgment
and show up in love, and I knowthat that's a human thing.
It's a human thing to think weknow how someone should handle a
situation.
But I know I had experiences.
I've had good experiences andI've had bad experiences in my
suffering, and you just neverknow who's barely hanging on a
(33:20):
thread and how we can pushpeople over the edge and with
the words that we say to them.
But just showing up in love,and whether or not we think
someone deserves what they'regoing through, or whether or not
we think they contributed to it, or whether or not we think
it's their fault, just being thehands and feet of Jesus and
loving them.
But I think that people saythings because they don't know
(33:45):
what else to say and then I alsothink that they're paralyzed in
action because they don't knowwhat to do.
And I think that we should justtake more action and we should
text somebody and say, hey, I'mbringing over supper.
What time is good for you?
Don't text people and be likeor call or say, hey, let me know
how I can help you, becausemost of the time they're not
(34:07):
going to reach back out orsometimes they don't know what's
up from down and they don'teven know what they need
sometimes.
Sometimes it's like I can't seethe forest for the trees.
And you know, offer to babysittheir kids and let them go get
coffee, make them a meal, havetheir house, pay for their house
(34:27):
to be cleaned, any kind of actsof service.
That would really just showlove and take something off
their plate.
I know most people only havetime to share or either money to
give and rarely both.
So if you have time to share,show up in those ways and do
those services on your own.
And if you don't have time butyou have generosity to give,
(34:49):
then do that, because it takesall types.
You know I've had people Venmome or order Grubhub while I'm
sitting in the hospital room.
There's all kinds of ways thatwe can love somebody and show
them that we care, and even justshowing up with them, just
sitting with them, not trying tosay something like well, god
has a reason for everything, orthis won't last forever, like
(35:15):
some of the common kind ofplasticky band-aids, all the
things we like to throw onsomething.
You know I'm not saying Job'sfriends did everything right,
but they were silent for a time,and they did sit there for a
time.
And so, man, just being withsomebody and being in their
(35:35):
space and offering them yourstrength when they don't have
any strength.
Gianina (35:40):
Yeah, I was kind of giggling when you said that,
because I was picturing Jesuslike saying to somebody instead
of meeting the need if he's like.
You said that because I waspicturing Jesus like saying to
somebody, instead of meeting theneed, if he's like you know
what?
I know you're hungry right now,but this isn't going to last
forever, you know instead ofsaying that, like if we want to
be the hands and feet of Jesus,like, literally, what did he do?
He fed people, he prayed forthem, he healed, you know just
(36:03):
all these different things, butI was just picturing the little
cliches that people say comingout of Jesus's mouth.
Maggie (36:09):
As you say that immediately what popped into my
mind was people will go I'mpraying for so-and-so, or
they'll say I'm praying for you.
Instead of we should go be thefeet, we should just go do the
thing that we're praying thatthey receive.
You know what I'm saying.
Gianina (36:26):
Yeah, for sure.
And I think one of the thingswhen I was a single mom that was
like a need that really helpedthat people don't usually think
of is I loved the strongChristian men that wanted to be
a part of Kingston's lifebecause he didn't have a strong
(36:46):
male role model and that was oneof my biggest fears and biggest
prayers was like God, hedoesn't have anyone to like
model his life after.
And so before I got remarried,I just remember God showing up
and just like he had an amazingmale teacher that was a man of
God and really helped him growin that.
(37:07):
And so for the people who dohave strong family homes where
there's a mother and a dad,invite the kids over for dinner.
Sometimes Guys go play catchwith the kids, take them out,
just do something with them.
I think that's for singleparents and single moms where
the dad isn't very present isliterally probably one of the
(37:27):
top things that you could do.
Yeah.
Maggie (37:30):
And I know that everyone's resources are going
to be different.
We are plugged into our localchurch and so therefore we have
some men that I've maderelationships with that are good
influences.
Them and their families and I'mfriends with their wives are
good influences on my kids andthe men that I trust.
I will ask them hey, will youdo this for Ridge?
(37:52):
Will you spend some time withhim?
And so I think that isimportant is is people stepping
up and we all can get so busy inour own lives that we forget to
be to others, what someone hasbeen to us and to pay it forward
.
But I agree with you their dadis still out of state and so
they don't know what it's liketo have a consistent male role
(38:15):
model in their life.
Kiley (38:16):
And.
Maggie (38:16):
I think it's so valuable for men.
I think you're right because Isee women culturally.
Whether it's right or wrong,they're usually the ones
stepping in to nurture and Ithink there's a great need for
Christian men to step in andlove some boys and young men who
might be growing up without agood role model in their life.
Kiley (38:38):
And sadly there's a lot of those, so yeah, so we've
talked about how other peoplecan support people going through
this, but what type ofencouragement would you give to
somebody that is walking througha similar struggle themselves?
Maggie (38:56):
I want to preface this by saying that no situation is
cookie cutter or the same, andwhat might have been what God
had me to walk out might not befor someone else.
You know, I don't have the bestadvice for someone that's still
clinging to their marriage,because mine fell apart, and I
(39:17):
can more easily advise somebodywho is about to go through
divorce or who is in an abusivemarriage or who has an
unfaithful spouse.
So be careful about who youseek counsel from.
Not everybody, even strongChristians.
They have different experiencesand if I'm looking for specific
(39:39):
advice, not everyone's going tobe able to help me with it.
You know, pray and use yourdiscernment on who to ask advice
from, but I think that what Iwould encourage someone in a
similar situation is man, yourlife's not over.
It's not over.
I know it feels like it.
I know that this is the worstthing that has ever happened to
(40:03):
you and your heart is broken andyou want so desperately to go a
different way.
And I see you and I sit withyou and I honor where your heart
is at.
But I promise you that God iswith you.
You can choose healing and youcan come out on the other side
(40:23):
and live a full life again andhave joy and have beauty, and
you can feel again and the sunfull life again and have joy and
have beauty, and you can feelagain and the sun will shine
again and things will bebrighter.
It won't diminish what you'vegone through, but you're going
to live again one day andthere's going to come a day
where you are going to be soglad and so grateful that the
(40:46):
Lord brought you out of whateversituation that you were in.
I really believe that.
Gianina (40:50):
I love what you said.
You said it just now and yousaid it earlier too.
You said when you choosehealing and it's so many times
we pray for God to heal ourhearts or heal this that's
happening in our lives and it'sso important to realize
sometimes we just have to chooseit, not to sit in the hurt and
(41:10):
not to sit in the pain andbetrayal and deception and anger
of everything that's happenedto you and actually choose your
healing.
So that's really powerful.
Maggie (41:21):
Amen.
I believe that we areco-creators with Christ.
He doesn't force us to doanything.
We have to choose to walk handin hand with him and go and heal
, and it is through his power,of course, that he brings that
to us.
But if he's extending ushealing and we're shaking our
heads and we're saying no, he'snot going to shove it down our
(41:42):
throats.
So, yes, it has to be chosen,it's an intentional choice.
Gianina (41:50):
Yeah, very cool.
So, yeah, it has to be chosen.
It's an intentional choice.
Yeah, very cool.
Well, I would love for you topray for our listeners, if you
wouldn't mind, and, um, I'd sayspecifically for someone who's
just in a season where theydon't see the end of the tunnel.
They're kind of like, I hearyour story and I think it's
really cool for you and God hasshown up for you, but I just
(42:10):
can't see the end in sight andI'm hurting and I don't see God
the way that you did in thosemoments and pray for them to, I
guess, have that reminder anddesire to seek out God Because,
like you said, you were sodesperate that you had to look
for him.
There was no other option, youjust had to find him, and so I
(42:32):
just feel like there's somebodyout there that is going through
that and they don't see anythingbut darkness right now.
Father God, I just want tothank you so much for these
ladies.
Maggie (42:41):
Lord, I want to thank you for this podcast and for the
many souls that you're going totouch through this, lord, and
how you're going to bring gloryout of this God, and I just want
to thank you for your glory,lord.
I just want to thank you, god,that you take our broken pieces
and our broken lives and thedarkness and the pits and the
valleys, lord, and you makesomething beautiful with it, and
so I just thank you for that,lord.
(43:02):
I thank you for the glory thatyou're bringing about in those
lives for those who arelistening, lord.
It's for them, your grace isfor them.
Your grace was madespecifically for their situation
.
God, we tend to think that yourlove and your grace and your
mercy is for this cookie cutter,nuclear family, god, but it's
not.
It's for every situation on theface of the earth, lord, that
(43:26):
you came to this earth for God,and so I just thank you for that
, lord.
I ask that you encounter ourlisteners, Lord, with your love.
Your word says perfect lovecasts out all fear, lord, so I
ask that you wrap them in yourlove and they feel your warmth.
So much love and light, god,that they can't even there's no
(43:47):
more darkness, as they are drawnto your light, Lord, I ask that
you heal their hearts, lord,and may they be open to
receiving what you have for them.
God, I thank you for thetestimony that you're bringing
about in their lives, lord.
They are not forsaken, they arenot forgotten, they are not
left behind.
They are not behind schedule,lord.
You are on time.
They don't even have to be ontime because you're on time.
(44:08):
So, god, I thank you forencountering them, lord, and for
putting people, lord, I askthat you put divine appointments
in their lives to give themmore tiny miracles, small
moments of your divineconnection, lord, in their
hearts and lives, so that theymay see you, lord, every face
that they come across, lord, maythey see your glory shining and
(44:28):
feel your love as it healstheir hearts.
Lord, I just thank you so muchfor what you're doing.
It's in Jesus' name we pray,amen.
Kiley (44:36):
Amen.
Well, maggie, thank you so muchfor sharing your heart and your
walk with us today.
It really is such a gift foryou to speak from the middle of
your story with suchvulnerability and courage, and
we just we appreciate your timewith us today.
If Maggie's story touched yourheart, we'd love for you to
share this episode with someone.
(44:57):
Leave a review and follow alongfor more powerful testimonies
like hers.
This truly helps us spread themessage to people who may not
hear about Jesus and hisfaithfulness in other ways, and
remember, whatever valley you'rewalking through, you're not
alone.
Keep walking, keep trusting andknow that God is right there
with you Until next time.
This is the Walkthrough Podcast.
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