November 14, 2025 • 42 mins
In this episode of Women in Black, we open up about the quiet battles that shape who we become. From motherhood and faith to mental health and rediscovering peace after survival mode, we share what it really takes to heal from the inside out.
We talk about growing up too soon, carrying invisible weight, and learning that kids and adults alike go through things that deserve compassion and conversation.
✨ In this episode we talk about:
- Healing after burnout, loss & life’s pivots
- The balance between strength & softness
- How internal struggles shape emotional growth
- Why empathy for kids (and your inner child) matters
- Rewriting your story and allowing grace to guide you
🖤 Women in Black is for the women who do it all — and are learning to do it softer.
💬 Tell us your story in the comments — What quiet strength are you learning to honor?
Follow Us:
IG: @WeAre.WomenInBlack | @DezDoesItAll | @SaySomethin_Josh
FB: @WomenInBlack
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
There's always a younger me out there struggling
(00:03):
and not can't see the future.
But I tell you what, if you justhold on and you stay true to who
you are, because it's never whatthey call you, it's what you
answer to.
SPEAKER_02 (00:14):
I know that's so you just stay true to who you are
when people say kids don't gothrough things.
I hate when people say that.
Because whether you're fightingoff the demons from generations
before or or whatever, people gothrough stuff.
Um one of my battles in life hasbeen that neurodivergent thing.
SPEAKER_01 (00:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (00:38):
Because people don't a lot of people don't get it.
They don't understand it now.
It's become such a trend and afact that people don't
understand like how hard you hadto work to get to free.
SPEAKER_01 (00:48):
He looked at me and she said, I see something in you
that I don't think you see inyourself.
He said, You are gonna go, I'mgetting chills right now.
I'm thinking about it.
He said, You are gonna go so farin HR, and you don't you only
here for a front desk receptionposition.
Thank God for those peopleobedient to what God tells them.
Oh, and next thing you know,then I'm here.
SPEAKER_02 (01:09):
I used to skip school.
I used to leave school and I goto the library.
I would go to the libraryteaching myself, honestly.
And I would I wasn't honest withmy mom about it.
I wasn't honest with anybodyabout it, because I felt like
they expected me to be smart.
And so when um I was skippingschool my senior year, they
(01:29):
basically said, you got A's andB's, but if you don't come to
school, you ain't gonnagraduate, right?
And so I told my mom, I waslike, just let me take the GD
then because I can't go back.
And she liked it, lost her mind.
SPEAKER_03 (01:42):
Woman in Black is where we put down the cape and
pick up the mic, beingauthentically who we are, where
we are, unmasked, unfiltered,and unapologetic.
Hi guys.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Oh God, why I'm starting like this.
But anyway, you starting.
I'm starting.
But yeah, so quick check-in.
My week was okay.
It was it was actually prettygood.
I learned a lot about myselfbecause I'm on this journey
right now.
I learned a lot about myself, itwas cool.
I I enjoy exploring differentthings that bring me calm and
(02:21):
bring me peace.
Um, and last night though washectic.
Last night was Halloween.
Um, I don't celebrate in thesense of whatever other people
think Halloween is with seancesand devil worshiping and stuff,
but my mind is so far like intolet's get this candy, that I
(02:44):
don't really look at it and viewit the same way.
Any opportunity I have to bringjoy to the kids, have a movie
night or have something likethat, I usually take it.
So, you know, my my soul isn'tthat sensitive where certain
things like that disrupt it.
Um, as long as it's not demonic,I'm usually good.
But yeah, so I enjoy last nightmaking the kids happy, with them
(03:08):
get candy and saying hi to myneighbors because I stay in my
neighborhood.
So that's my opportunity toreally converse with my
neighbors, be having new onespopping up and stuff.
I'm like, oh who they or look atthis decoration.
Wow, y'all went all out.
Oh, nice lawn.
Give me your routine.
Like, that's where my mind wasgoing.
But anyway, how was your week?
(03:29):
How you doing, my sis?
SPEAKER_01 (03:31):
My week was ridiculous.
Crazy.
Yeah, it was crazy.
My work week was crazy.
I had kids, always got um, andthen I looked in the mirror and
I didn't like who was lookingback at me.
To be honest.
Like, if we're gonna be honest,let's be honest.
I noticed that I have gainedprobably about 20 pounds.
(03:55):
Yeah, and I don't like that.
Y'all can say this is ourgrown-up weight, this no, this
ain't my weight.
So I've decided instead ofcomplaining about it, I'm gonna
do something about it.
So other than that, it's beenchill, but it was really hectic.
SPEAKER_02 (04:13):
My days felt like now my evenings are much more
hectic than my days.
Or not, actually.
Sometimes it just keeps goingfor the time I wake up to the
time I go to sleep.
But because I'm in a um adiscovery phase of certain
things, so I'm like, I get hyperfocused and I'm like, gotta
(04:33):
figure this out.
Thinking the brain type stuff.
Yeah, I get it.
Yeah, man.
Well, how you feeling today?
You good?
You you wanna take the rest ofthe weekend to rest?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
No, I don't need no rest.
I'm gonna be in that gym.
SPEAKER_02 (04:52):
Well, that too.
But I know what you mean by likelooking back.
Like that's my biggest, that hasbeen my biggest issue after
having my last two kids.
Actually, like just like, ohshoot.
Then you know what I'd be goingthrough with my stomach.
So I'm like, yo.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
What happened to me was I used to, when I worked in
Center City, I took publictransportation.
So I always was walking.
SPEAKER_00 (05:16):
Gotcha.
SPEAKER_01 (05:17):
All day long.
Now where I work at in the city,I bet not be taking no public
transportation down there.
Oh no.
So that's where I went wrong.
But don't worry, don't worry.
And I'm not trying to be likeall skinny and tone, but I ain't
about to be over here justconstantly gaining weight and
(05:38):
not doing nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (05:40):
Right, right.
Just a little bit of movement.
Even what they say, like 20 or30 minutes a day is is big.
And if you're doing lifting liketwo to three times a week, could
really improve things.
SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
I gotta leave the bread alone because it tastes so
good.
And pasta.
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
Yeah, you do you do intermittent fasting or have you
tried intermittent fasting?
SPEAKER_01 (05:58):
I've tried it before, but I gotta get back on
to two smoothies a day.
That's that's what gets megoing.
Okay.
Two smoothies, one meal and twosmoothies.
Like Okay.
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (06:08):
That works for you.
If our digestive system um timeto repair itself, too.
Um, one thing that also uh hashelped me is something called
L-glutamine.
Um, take it uh in the morningbefore you eat anything.
It uh helps with the um the gutbrain axis, so it regulates your
(06:30):
mood and it also helps repairyour gut lining.
So you know, you know, I'll beknown about the supplements and
the herbs and stuff.
So uh I'll text you so you canlook into it, see if you think
it's something that will helpyou.
But um that alone You have toget some L-glutamine.
Yeah, that alone helps becauseum some people have like
(06:53):
undiagnosed gut, which is onething.
But also our microbiome in ourgut has been uh so bad for so
long, like whether it'sprocessed food, fast food, that
it just hasn't had time toprepare.
So between not eating solidswith your smoothies, that's
gonna help not just what you putin your smoothies, but the fact
(07:14):
that you're replacing somethingliquid, yeah, um instead of the
solid.
SPEAKER_01 (07:20):
Yeah, that's where I am.
SPEAKER_02 (07:22):
That's great though.
I'm I'm proud of your journey.
I need to stick to mine.
I always know.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Yeah, it's consistent, it's it's
consistent.
Like, that's all it is.
You just gotta be consistent.
But I need to be consistent anddiscipline if I'm going to this
next level.
SPEAKER_02 (07:37):
Yeah, I got a time.
You know, my where I be um wouldknock me off track with my
routine is I'll be trying to dotoo much at one time.
So yeah, that should focus.
SPEAKER_01 (07:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:53):
That's you know how to decision change football
coming to an end.
God is good.
Focus on ourselves a little bit.
Right.
These kids.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
We're gonna jump right into it.
Because everybody, so we've beenwe've been podcasting since
August 15, 2025.
And I told Desiree maybe liketwo weeks ago.
I was like, by the end of themonth, we're gonna have like
(08:28):
we're gonna have a thousandsubscribers on YouTube.
And what we got, girl?
A thousand subscribers.
No, we don't got a thousand, athousand and thirteen.
And it's probably more about soto our subscribers, to everyone
who likes, to everyone whodoesn't like, to everyone who
shares, to everyone whocomments.
(08:49):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
And then we have over a hundred people who just
downloaded our podcast ontotheir phone.
SPEAKER_01 (08:54):
Yes.
So we thank you guys so so much.
Like, thank you so much.
It's not in vain, but some ofy'all do want to hear what we
what we got to say, right?
And some of y'all just want tobe there to just be pains and
are you know what's.
But we appreciate that.
We appreciate that.
Yeah, um, and with that beingsaid, of course, you're
subscribing, you're liking,you're sharing.
(09:16):
You feel like you know us, butyou want to know a little bit
more.
So today, like, let's just getinto like a little bit of our
story.
Sounds like I think they deservethat.
Thousand subscribers.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (09:29):
So get into it.
So, what's your story, girl?
SPEAKER_02 (09:32):
When I'm asked that question, it's so hard to lead
with because naturally I go tothe trauma.
And it's like, oh wow, but Godhas done so many great things
too.
And so that balance to try tofigure out, oh, well, what do I
lead with?
Like, who is Dez?
And I'm gonna tell y'all rightnow, I'm multifaceted.
(09:52):
Don't try to put me in a boxbecause Dez does it all for
real.
But um I moved from suburbs tothe city when I was like six
years old.
And so I went from a town wherethe only people in my class that
look like me were my relativesto a town where I walked in, I
(10:16):
literally was like, uh-uh, bringme up out of here.
Where y'all got me?
We y'all got me.
This ain't no family reunion.
We're gonna be in here in astructured learning environment.
My family act up, all of us actup, and I'll be the one on the
sideline.
You want me to be in the classwith them all day?
But uh moving to the citychanged my life.
(10:37):
My mom, uh, she she had got a uma job at the university during
that time, and the opportunitiesthat was granted to us were
beyond educational,educationally and everything,
like just exposure to thingsthat based on, you know, the
conversations me and my mom had,like, people never encouraged
(11:00):
her to go to college.
They didn't make her feel asthough she could go to college.
Some people blatantly said, youknow, well, where are you gonna
work when you get out of school?
Because college not for you,type of thing.
And for us, she wanted us to beable to see all of our options.
And so that I was reallygrateful for that.
But on the flip side, you know,uh growing up in a city was
(11:21):
rough and it was hard.
And there was a lot of traumafor me that I didn't really get
to process at the time.
I didn't process it until I wasan adult or married or, you
know, different phases of yourlife, you process different
things as you realize it'strauma.
So um, when I got uh pregnantwith Tristan, my oldest at 18
(11:42):
actually.
And uh a big part of my storywas I felt like I let down a lot
of people.
Tristan's such a blessing.
And you know, all my kids are ablessing and they all have a
some level of a call on them.
But uh with Tristan, I maturevery quickly.
But it it brought me to a pointwhere I had to learn so much
(12:04):
about myself and about survival.
From having Tristan, probablyeven up until now, I haven't
been able to turn off survivalmode.
And that's it's been hard.
Um because no matter how my lifeis, whether it's from the
outside looking in or just whatit is, my brain still functions
(12:26):
as it's in survival mode.
And I'm trying to unlearn someof those behaviors.
That's why when you you tell meabout myself, it's so hard to
accept sometimes because my mindis just like on go, go, go.
And I'm that's the phase I'm innow where I'm trying to calm my
nervous system.
Like that, but you don't have tobe like that no more.
Um, that was a big part, youknow.
(12:48):
It's it's tough to talk aboutsome of the stuff, you know?
Like, you know, stuff with mydad.
I I was in a two-parenthousehold, loved it.
Daddy's girl, okay.
But um, I seen a lot, I wasexposed to a lot.
It shaped me, made me who I Iam.
But sometimes it's just like,God, I I was really in a moment
(13:09):
where I'm like, God, why?
Why me?
SPEAKER_01 (13:11):
When it shaped you, how?
How did it shape you?
SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
I'm an empath.
Yeah.
I never want people to feelmisunderstood.
Like when people feelmisunderstood, it bothers me.
When people feel rejected, itbothers me.
When people don't have, itbothers me.
And I just, you know, sometimesI'll sit back and observe and
look and be like, God, what doyou want me to do in this
(13:35):
situation?
How do you want to use me?
And I'm not even exaggerating.
I know that's like extreme, butI really do be like, well, God,
well, I'm feeling this way.
What do you want me to do withthis?
Like, do you want, do I move onit?
Do I act on it?
What do I do?
Um, and so, you know, Godpositioned me a lot to be able
to help others, regardless ofwhere I am in my life.
(13:57):
Whether it is showing up,showing up in different ways.
But I went through what I wentthrough so that I can help other
people get through what they'regoing through.
And it's a blessing.
SPEAKER_01 (14:12):
But when you're going through it, like no
blessing, it doesn't feel likeit.
SPEAKER_02 (14:17):
It doesn't feel like it.
Like the stripping, the molding,the breaking, like man, the
breaking, the breaking, thebreaking.
Um, when I probably when I wasabout 12, starting at about 12,
I used to just as I'm going toschool and everything, just
(14:38):
praying to God, praying to God,God.
I'll pray for everything.
I I pray for the trees, but I Iprayed for my husband at that
time.
I prayed for my family at thattime.
I prayed for all things that Ithought would be big differences
in my life as I got older.
Like I would just pray.
And then hit high school, I wasgoing through things.
(14:58):
I hate when people say kidsdon't go through things.
I hate when people say that.
Because whether you're fightingoff the demons from generations
before or or whatever, people gothrough stuff.
I used to wake up um uh like at5:30 to go to 6 a.m.
prayer every day when I was inhigh school because I was
(15:18):
battling stuff.
I was battling not being able tounder Oh God, here it comes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:24):
It's okay, let it out.
I've had my fair share.
Let it out.
Don't let it out too much,because then I'm gonna start
crying.
I'm gonna look at the camera.
SPEAKER_02 (15:35):
Um one of my battles in life has been the people's
term that neurodivergent thing.
Okay.
Because people don't a lot ofpeople don't get it.
They don't understand it.
They don't understand it.
Now it's become such a trend anda fad that people don't
(15:56):
understand like how hard you hadto work to get to where you are.
You know what I'm saying?
Like people are just like, oh,you so smart, or oh, you know
everything, or you figure likeyou always gonna figure it out.
And as much of a compliment itis, it's like I don't have no
choice.
But yeah, like if I just letthis overtake me, my mind is
(16:20):
always going.
Like so when did you guys knowthat like were you diagnosed or
you Yeah, but um for me, youknow, I took an IQ test when I
was like in third grade.
And so they everybody knew thatI was intelligent, right?
(16:44):
Like, what would you do withthat?
So I went to a special I wassent to a special school um with
all intelligent people.
Um so when that environment,when you with a bunch of other
people that have similar traitsas you, it feels very normal.
When you're taking out thatenvironment, when I went to high
school, I decided to go to umour our our city high school.
(17:07):
We had like four high schools.
So we had like a science andtechnology one, a private one,
you had the vote, you know, andthen we had like NBHS.
And so I went to the regularhigh school and I couldn't
concentrate.
I couldn't like the the I wentfrom like nine classes to four.
And you gotta sit in that classblock schedule and you gotta sit
(17:29):
in there for an hour and a half,and it was really tripping me
out.
Like I just couldn't thinkstraight in the classes, and I
didn't say anything to my mom,but I used to skip school.
I used to leave school and I'dgo to the library.
I would go to the library toteach myself, honestly.
And I would I wasn't honest withmy mom about it, I wasn't honest
with anybody about it because Ifelt like they they depend the
(17:54):
not dependent, expected me to besmart.
And so when um I was skippingschool my senior year, they
basically said you got A's andB's, but if you don't come to
school, you ain't gonnagraduate.
Right.
And so I told my mom, I waslike, just let me take the GD
then because I can't go back.
And she liked to lost her mind.
SPEAKER_01 (18:13):
See how I just looked at you?
SPEAKER_02 (18:15):
Yeah, he liked to lost her mind.
She said, You going to school,you better figure it out.
You going to school.
But at the time, we didn't knowwhy.
So it wasn't until um I went toschool and I went to school
every day, y'all.
My senior year after uh notevery day, after I got in
trouble, and my mom said, Iain't bothering you, they try to
bring me to court, you know whatI'm saying?
Nobody got time to be.
(18:37):
My mom don't play, y'all.
She don't play.
When she found out, I thought Ithought it was over for my life.
But but anyway, so um, you knowwhat I happened.
I walked, I I graduated um liketop 10 or 20 percent of my
class.
Like I was good.
I had probably the mostscholarships anybody had.
When I tell you my mom wasn'tplaying, she said you better
(18:59):
figure out how to pay forcollege.
I applied to every, I mean,everything, whether the school
was sending in, I was goingonline, I was asking people, I
was everything.
So college was I had a fullscholarship and I had a dance
scholarship as well, um, torecords.
Uh so but I had Tristan.
So turn, right?
(19:22):
But um when I got to college, Isaid, this is worse.
I said, hold on now.
I I what?
And then the campus was so big,I had to run from this side to
that side to I could not, mybrain, what it wasn't, I
couldn't stay organized, Icouldn't stay on top of my, I
(19:44):
couldn't do anything.
I knew it, I was processing theinformation, but for some
reason, like whether it wassitting in a class or something
else, I was just reallydifficult for me.
So anyway, um, I ended upgetting a diagnosis when I was
um my first year of college.
I was still 18.
Yeah, so I was a teenager when Igot diagnosed.
(20:05):
Um, and I was just explaining.
We had to like trace my wholebackstory.
Like, well, how did you respondwhen you were in elementary?
Did you used to get out yourseat a lot?
Did you go do this?
Like, I used to get in troublefor daydreaming all the time.
Um, or just talking too much.
Uh so we went through, I had totake a battery of assessment
(20:26):
over and over and see a coupledifferent um psychiatrists, and
um, it was like all of them saidthe same thing.
It was three things it was PTSD,it was ADHD, and it was anxiety
from all those things.
Um, so yeah, that has been likemy personal biggest thing to get
(20:48):
over because I feel like whenpeople learn, like whether I
befriend people or they see thethings that I've accomplished,
they feel like it came so easy.
And it's like I'm like, yo.
And it didn't.
It just didn't.
And it's not that, you know,it's okay how people get it.
It's just like in my mind, I'mjust like, people, I I just
(21:12):
don't know how to express, like,well, thank you.
I'm happy, I'm happy.
It's like it's hard, it's hardto maintain too.
SPEAKER_01 (21:21):
But why is so why do you feel like when they do give
you the compliment that you haveto let them know it was hard?
SPEAKER_02 (21:29):
I don't.
Okay.
It's just something like I'mexpressing.
Okay, okay, gotcha.
Yeah, I don't like if you areclose friends, probably you
don't only want to talk aboutthat.
Like, I don't even got to talkto my siblings and stuff about
it because they know.
SPEAKER_00 (21:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (21:43):
Yeah.
But you probably the only personthat I could vent to about stuff
like that.
But yeah, my siblings know myhusband gets it because he gotta
deal with the shenanigansbecause I'm always losing
something.
He be creating little spots forme.
Put your keys here because Iain't looking for them again.
SPEAKER_01 (22:06):
Put your keys here.
That's because he'd been to themilitary.
Right.
I don't know what happened.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (22:18):
He did go to school, a football school upstate in New
York.
SPEAKER_01 (22:22):
Well, there you go.
SPEAKER_02 (22:23):
That might have, but I think he might have came out
like that.
Cause look at DJ.
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
Yeah, you're right.
SPEAKER_02 (22:28):
They just got that trait.
I love it because we balanceeach other out.
Like, like I was telling you, Iwas like, um, he keeps us
grounded and I keep us lifted.
Like I keep us, like, you know.
Right.
And so we good, but yeah, I Idon't share that with a lot of
people because one, it's none oftheir business, but but now, but
now y'all know.
(22:48):
But two, it's just a a battle,uh battle inside sometimes.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
You are silly.
Let's get to your story becauseI did a lot of talking, girl.
SPEAKER_01 (23:02):
Oh, you did it.
We're it's done.
We're done, guys.
She told her story, we done.
SPEAKER_02 (23:06):
It's so much more to be done.
SPEAKER_01 (23:10):
You don't want to hear about it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:11):
We'll we'll start, we'll start there, but I'm sure
some things you say is gonna belike, yo, because even being the
single motherhood to find, Iwasn't about to get married to
nobody.
My sister, my witness, but Godsent them and said, This is what
you're about to do.
SPEAKER_01 (23:28):
This is what you thought you were about to do,
right?
SPEAKER_02 (23:30):
Because they was written off.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
Girl, so I'm Josh.
Hey Josh.
I am, and I probably said this,y'all know by now, y'all know I
got brothers, okay?
But what y'all don't know isthat growing up I had a sister.
Yeah.
Um, but my sister and I were notclose.
She didn't come around.
(23:54):
Like, I probably spent two timeswith my sister out my whole
entire life, right?
So growing up, I had my mom, mydad, my sister.
I'm sorry, not my sister, mybrothers, my dog that I was
terrified of.
Let's throw that out there.
I was scared of dogs.
Dog owner.
I was scared of dogs until I waslike 12.
unknown (24:16):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (24:17):
Well, I'm proud of you for getting over your fear.
Yes, I was scared of dogs untilI was like 12, but we always had
Rottwallers in there, green.
Oh, yeah.
Then I was scared of them.
SPEAKER_02 (24:26):
Well, they kind of be.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
But back then, people kept their dogs outside.
SPEAKER_02 (24:30):
Or in the basement.
SPEAKER_01 (24:32):
Yeah, or in the basement in the wintertime.
But the rest of the seasons,them dogs was outside.
Yeah.
In them dog houses, becausethat's what they made for.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But anyway.
So it was always us.
Um, I came from like a reallybig family, close with both
sides, right?
My mom's side and my dad's side,but extremely closer to my dad's
(24:52):
side because they're here.
Yeah.
We're here.
Um, growing up, I was extremelyselfish.
I didn't know that I was selfishuntil I grew up and went into my
adult years.
And people told you you wereselfish?
No, they didn't tell me I wasselfish.
People would say she don't knowhow to be a friend.
(25:12):
And in my my mind, I'm like,yes, I do, because I'm loyal.
I don't play about y'all.
I'ma show up, but it was more toit was more to it than just what
I thought.
You know what I mean?
Was a friendship, uh, whatever.
I was just selfish.
Like it was just me, me, me, me,me.
But in this in the same instant,I wasn't selfish.
(25:36):
Because I'm an empath.
I'm always looking for lookingout for people.
I want to fix it.
Like, you know what I mean?
So, okay.
Put that to the side.
Dad passed away when I wasyoung.
Oh, yeah.
So it made us be go from likethe mom and you know, the whole
family to just it's me, my mom,and my brothers.
(25:57):
Um, what they don't know is thatI used to be really lonely.
Everybody was always older thanme.
Yeah.
I was just like lonely.
So I would stay at my friend'shouse.
I would go to my friend's houseall the time.
And my mom would let me.
And it was probably just becauseshe knew I like I was the only
girl, but um I was really,really like, not sad, just like
(26:21):
felt alone.
I stayed in church.
This is the crazy thing, right?
Me too.
I was on the missionary, juniormissionaries, the ushers, I was
on the choir, I was a praisedancer, and nobody knew that I
was lonely in it.
Had everything I wanted.
Um, my story compared to like mybrother's stories, completely
(26:45):
different, right?
They seen a lot of other things,but um, especially when my dad
passed away, like I was reallylike lonely in the inside.
Um which is why I think Istopped smiling around that
time.
Um ear hug.
Um so to backtrack, when my dadpassed away, I always joke
(27:10):
around and I say, you know, hetook something with me.
But I mean that.
He took something with him.
Yeah, he took something withhim.
Like I mean that.
Um just because someone laughsdoesn't mean they're smiling,
right?
So um I I didn't smile a lot.
Um had everything I wanted.
(27:31):
Um became titled like a meangirl.
But I wasn't mean.
I was hard on the outsidebecause I had to be, you know,
that daddy that love thatsometimes you need a man.
(27:52):
Um daughter, father, that lovewas like taken.
Give me another second.
Yeah, she won't take a second.
SPEAKER_02 (28:02):
Give me another one.
Um and she lost her dad when shewas relatively young.
Yeah, you know, I lost mine inmy 20s.
So, you know, it's it's a littledifferent, but I understand the
mot the father-daughterrelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (28:16):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_02 (28:17):
And so I guess so.
SPEAKER_01 (28:19):
To go from that, um, to and to just being like me, my
brothers, and my mom, I had tobe strong.
Because that's what I'm seeing,right?
Yes, I'm spoiled, but I gotta betough.
I gotta be strong on theoutside.
Like, we don't cry.
We don't, you know what I mean?
If I'm crying, it's because Iwanted to go to limited two and
(28:42):
y'all didn't take me, or Iwanted to go to Strawbridges, or
what I wanted from Strawbridgeswasn't there, and I'm mad.
Like, but I was I was like toughon the outside, but like said,
not sad.
It wasn't sad though.
It was like something wasmissing on the inside, right?
So something's missing, butinstead of people, and and it's
(29:06):
no one's fault, instead ofpeople understanding that or
knowing that, they're just like,Josh is mean.
Josh always got something to saybecause Josh's not gonna let you
talk to her any type of way.
I learned that from a very youngage.
Yeah, and you just not gonnatreat me bad, or and if you rub
me the wrong way, it's over.
So I was um growing up, I waslabeled as the mean one.
(29:29):
She mean, she rude, whatever, Idon't care.
Um was supposed to be going toClark, Atlanta for college, got
pregnant.
That my plans to go to Clark,Atlanta just changed.
Um got pregnant one time, gotpregnant another time, got
(29:52):
pregnant another time.
After that, same person.
Did I learn my lesson the firsttime?
No, because the lesson that wassupposed to be.
Supposed to be learned was notit wasn't a lesson at the time
because I wasn't ready for it.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't there was nothing tobe taught.
There was nothing to learnbecause I couldn't see anything.
(30:13):
Um back and forth with my kids'dad, dealing with somebody who
in your face like you, butbehind your back telling
everybody he don't like you, hedon't this, he don't do that.
Yeah, like so I dealt with that.
And because I have brothers, um,one thing you don't do when
(30:36):
you're dealing with somebody,you don't involve your family in
every little thing.
Because the minute you forgivethat person, they ain't
forgiving.
They don't forgive, they don'tforget nothing.
So a lot of the stuff I dealtwith with my kids' dad, it was
on me.
Because I could have had I hadan out, right?
But because I had my mom and Ihad my dad, but then I lost my
(30:59):
dad.
I always to myself was like, Iwant my family, I don't care
what it takes.
I want to I want my making sensenow.
I wanted my kids to I've saidthis from the very beginning.
All of my children that I everhad were gonna have the same
dad.
Do I feel that way now?
SPEAKER_02 (31:18):
No, not at the expense of me.
SPEAKER_01 (31:23):
No, no, no, no, no, do I feel that way now?
No, because I don't look at himthat person the same way.
You know what I mean?
So um have all the have my kids,love my kids.
Once I had my first son'ssurvival mode started for me,
not immediately, because I wasyoung, I was dumb.
(31:45):
Kids' dad was doing his thing,like money.
Yeah, I had social security frommy dad.
Like the money was coming in,like I wasn't worried about
anything.
So um, yeah, I was I was justyoung and dumb.
Like, ah, you couldn't tell menothing.
SPEAKER_02 (32:04):
Yeah, so financially you was good because you had
older siblings, all brothers,you had your mom, you had social
security, he had a good job.
SPEAKER_01 (32:13):
Yeah, my uh he had a job.
So I was fine.
Um life start life.
Um I went through something.
Most of my most of my PTSD andthe trauma that I have comes
from that area of my life.
(32:35):
Um some things happened when Iwas younger that I don't talk
about.
Um my dad passed away.
Of course, that's traumatic.
But most of my trauma comes frombeing a mom.
Yeah.
Like I was not um I worked onceI started working, first of all,
(33:00):
I had my first job at 16, right?
But I didn't have to have thatjob.
Like it wasn't a must that Ineeded to work.
Right.
Um, so once I decided, like, youknow what, I don't want to be
waiting for nobody to give me nomoney.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm gonna start working.
Never stopped working.
Um I've been in survival modeever since.
(33:21):
Pregnancies were not fun for me.
Um the love that I wanted tohave was not there.
Um it wasn't there, you knowwhat I mean?
Like all a lot of my trauma camefrom being a mom.
That's good.
SPEAKER_00 (33:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:43):
Yeah.
So uh maybe um, I don't know.
I'm not even about to keep goinginto the whole trauma with the
mom part, but that's hardbecause we don't talk about it.
SPEAKER_02 (33:55):
Yeah, we are we don't talk about that.
We might transition to the nextepisode to talk about it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:01):
Yeah, we don't talk about that.
We don't talk about being youngand being in love and not caring
and just putting up, and I knewbetter than to put up with
certain things that I allowed,but again, the stereotypes.
Because for one, when I gotpregnant, the church that I was
attending, they talked about melike a dog.
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
Well, let's talk about it real quick because
there's people like that, and Iwas really hurt.
But I I I'm I had some greatpeople though.
I did, so I'm not gonna getdown.
Absolutely.
Yeah, like you guys know who youare, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (34:37):
But the other ones, the other ones, the thing about
me, right?
When I got pregnant with my son,TMI, when I lost my, you know
what I mean?
The church was talking about me,but y'all wasn't talking about
the primers and the praisedancers.
SPEAKER_02 (34:54):
That was I feel the same way.
SPEAKER_01 (34:57):
And I can say that because I'm grown, and y'all had
13 and 14-year-olds on my onthat dance ministry doing more
than dancing for Jesus.
Let's talk about it because Iwas in the same situation as
you, and I'm like that goes intochurch hurt, mom trauma, being a
(35:20):
mom, having just dealing withstuff, just completely in
survival mode.
Um, trying to trying to be therefor people, and they're not
understanding nobody ever, whatI did realize when I was called
a bad friend and I was not agood person, nobody ever thought
(35:42):
about what was Josh goingthrough.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like nobody ever thought that.
Y'all just thought because Iwasn't showing up, I couldn't
show up in that moment, or Ididn't show up how they wanted
me to show up.
That's usually what I was a badfriend.
You know what I mean?
So that, yeah, so that was hard.
(36:02):
But then I started working, youknow, working in my career.
I did not go right to college.
Um, all of my HR, for the mostpart, all of my HR experience
was gained, period.
Um I I was I didn't want to bean HR um professional.
I wanted to be a radiologist.
(36:24):
Really?
SPEAKER_03 (36:24):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (36:25):
I wanted to be a radiologist.
I had my interview, I had oneinterview, um, and this lady she
worked for the state of NewJersey, and she looked at me and
she said, I see something in youthat I don't think you see in
yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (36:38):
She said that.
SPEAKER_01 (36:40):
She said, You are gonna go, I'm getting chills
right now thinking about it.
She said, You are gonna go sofar, HR, and you don't you only
here for a front desk receptionposition.
Thank God for those people whoare obedient to what God tell
them to do.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Because before that, I was Iworked at the hospital.
I worked, I'm a I was a youthadvocate for a boys' home.
(37:03):
Like, don't play about my boys.
Like, I I'm just destined to bearound boys, right?
Um, but yes, she spoke that intome.
And next thing you know, now I'mhere.
So that's my story.
I know it's so much more.
It's always so much more that'sjust a synopsis because we'll be
here forever.
(37:23):
We will.
Um, I had a book club one time.
I just wish she was just gonnadrop that or just try to.
Because I had a book club, Idon't have none no more, but I
love the youth.
So mom hurt, survival mode.
I'm still here.
Um, I'm blessed.
I have four great kids.
Um, I have a great village.
(37:44):
That's my story.
SPEAKER_02 (37:46):
Thank you for sharing your story.
I've been listening.
Yeah, because it's hard.
Like, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:53):
And I think our story, someone needs to hear our
story, right?
For sure.
Because there's out this is howI feel.
There's always a younger me outthere struggling and I can't see
the future.
But I tell you what, if you justhold on and you stay true to who
you are, because it's never whatthey call you, it's what you
(38:13):
answer to.
I know that's right.
So you just stay true to who youare.
That little girl out there thatalways got something to say,
keep saying it.
Don't shut up for nobody, justknow what to say, when to stay
in the house and say it.
Yeah, I'm trying to raise mydaughter to know that.
SPEAKER_02 (38:29):
But keep talking.
Like, Lord, she ain't got hermama personality.
Because you can't shut listen.
SPEAKER_01 (38:36):
But yeah, so I'm I'm just blessed.
So somebody out there needs tohear our stories.
Keep your story for the nextgeneration.
Because we just have to, we'rejust here to teach one.
Each one teach.
SPEAKER_02 (38:47):
Yeah, and we we'll we'll go back into some other
parts of our story as y'allcontinue to listen to the
podcast because there's so manyfacets of us, there's so much to
learn.
Even though we experiencedwhatever traumas, like God still
showed up, God still provided,He really positioned us, and
that is so important for peopleto know and understand.
(39:10):
Like, well, giving your story,how did you achieve certain
things?
Yeah, you know, right?
Um, because a lot of people theybe stuck in that story and they
don't rewrite it.
SPEAKER_01 (39:20):
They don't rewrite it, and you can rewrite your
story at any moment, anychapter, wherever you want to
begin again, you can do it.
Yes, you can begin again.
Like you don't have your and I'mpreaching to the choir right
now, God.
You don't have to stay inanything longer than what you
would like to.
Yeah, you can begin again, it'sokay.
(39:42):
It's okay.
So what's your story?
Somebody tell us go to um go toco-pilot at the top of your
screens and tell them your storyreal fast so they can summarize
it.
Put it in our comments.
I'm like, let us know what isyour story, yeah.
And again, thank you guys somuch for the thousand um
(40:04):
subscribers, the hundreddownloads.
SPEAKER_02 (40:07):
We're so appreciative, so happy, and keep
rocking with us because it's somuch I think we all can teach
one another, learn from oneanother, encourage one another.
Yeah, I'm always here for it.
Like, I know I know God calledme to just inspire.
Like, I used to just be like,God, I literally just ask God,
what do you want me to do inthis moment?
What do you want me to do?
(40:28):
Whether it's inspire, encourage,you know, empower.
Like God has put me in so manypositions to do those things.
And I'm I'm I'm chosen.
I tell myself that all the time,you're chosen, you're anointed.
Yeah, you know, you gotta, yougotta sometimes affirm yourself
and repeat back to yourself whatGod told you about you.
So if anybody's still in it,affirm yourself.
(40:51):
God chose you, he called you.
What did he call you to do?
Change that story up, you're onthe right track, you got this,
and we here for it.
We wanna see all we want to seethe glow up, okay?
SPEAKER_01 (41:03):
Okay, and my pastor on Sunday taught about talk
about being the miracle.
So every day you look atyourself in that mirror, you
remind yourself I'm a miraclebecause I couldn't walk in her
shoes, she couldn't walk in myshoes.
Now we got similar shoes.
We do probably got red and I gotmaroon, but very similar shoes.
(41:27):
Very similar shoes, but they'reher shoes and they're my shoes.
And when we look in that mirror,we we are miracles.
Yeah, I am a miracle.
You are a miracle, whateveryou're going through right now.
Listen, tough times don't lastlong.
Tough people do strong, and wedon't always want to be strong
because one day, sis, we ain'tgonna be in survival mode.
(41:51):
Yep, we're gonna be in our nakedwomen era.
So just keep going.
Keep going.
It's okay to not be okay, butkeep going.
Do not let the world, do not letyour thoughts, do not let
people, nothing bring you downto the point where you feel like
(42:12):
you can't dig yourself back upout and up.
Keep it going and buy me acoffee.
Why is a coffee?
Because I'm on a diet.
SPEAKER_02 (42:21):
I need some wine right now.
Wine has sugar in it.
But yeah, so yes, buy us acoffee, buy us a tea, all that
good stuff.
And thank you so much forsupporting us.
We really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01 (42:39):
We was doing the wrong thing.
SPEAKER_02 (42:41):
Over just blocking it.
But all right.
There's always a younger me out there struggling
(00:03):
and not can't see the future.
But I tell you what, if you justhold on and you stay true to who
you are, because it's never whatthey call you, it's what you
answer to.
SPEAKER_02 (00:14):
I know that's so you just stay true to who you are
when people say kids don't gothrough things.
I hate when people say that.
Because whether you're fightingoff the demons from generations
before or or whatever, people gothrough stuff.
Um one of my battles in life hasbeen that neurodivergent thing.
SPEAKER_01 (00:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (00:38):
Because people don't a lot of people don't get it.
They don't understand it now.
It's become such a trend and afact that people don't
understand like how hard you hadto work to get to free.
SPEAKER_01 (00:48):
He looked at me and she said, I see something in you
that I don't think you see inyourself.
He said, You are gonna go, I'mgetting chills right now.
I'm thinking about it.
He said, You are gonna go so farin HR, and you don't you only
here for a front desk receptionposition.
Thank God for those peopleobedient to what God tells them.
Oh, and next thing you know,then I'm here.
SPEAKER_02 (01:09):
I used to skip school.
I used to leave school and I goto the library.
I would go to the libraryteaching myself, honestly.
And I would I wasn't honest withmy mom about it.
I wasn't honest with anybodyabout it, because I felt like
they expected me to be smart.
And so when um I was skippingschool my senior year, they
(01:29):
basically said, you got A's andB's, but if you don't come to
school, you ain't gonnagraduate, right?
And so I told my mom, I waslike, just let me take the GD
then because I can't go back.
And she liked it, lost her mind.
SPEAKER_03 (01:42):
Woman in Black is where we put down the cape and
pick up the mic, beingauthentically who we are, where
we are, unmasked, unfiltered,and unapologetic.
Hi guys.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Oh God, why I'm starting like this.
But anyway, you starting.
I'm starting.
But yeah, so quick check-in.
My week was okay.
It was it was actually prettygood.
I learned a lot about myselfbecause I'm on this journey
right now.
I learned a lot about myself, itwas cool.
I I enjoy exploring differentthings that bring me calm and
(02:21):
bring me peace.
Um, and last night though washectic.
Last night was Halloween.
Um, I don't celebrate in thesense of whatever other people
think Halloween is with seancesand devil worshiping and stuff,
but my mind is so far like intolet's get this candy, that I
(02:44):
don't really look at it and viewit the same way.
Any opportunity I have to bringjoy to the kids, have a movie
night or have something likethat, I usually take it.
So, you know, my my soul isn'tthat sensitive where certain
things like that disrupt it.
Um, as long as it's not demonic,I'm usually good.
But yeah, so I enjoy last nightmaking the kids happy, with them
(03:08):
get candy and saying hi to myneighbors because I stay in my
neighborhood.
So that's my opportunity toreally converse with my
neighbors, be having new onespopping up and stuff.
I'm like, oh who they or look atthis decoration.
Wow, y'all went all out.
Oh, nice lawn.
Give me your routine.
Like, that's where my mind wasgoing.
But anyway, how was your week?
(03:29):
How you doing, my sis?
SPEAKER_01 (03:31):
My week was ridiculous.
Crazy.
Yeah, it was crazy.
My work week was crazy.
I had kids, always got um, andthen I looked in the mirror and
I didn't like who was lookingback at me.
To be honest.
Like, if we're gonna be honest,let's be honest.
I noticed that I have gainedprobably about 20 pounds.
(03:55):
Yeah, and I don't like that.
Y'all can say this is ourgrown-up weight, this no, this
ain't my weight.
So I've decided instead ofcomplaining about it, I'm gonna
do something about it.
So other than that, it's beenchill, but it was really hectic.
SPEAKER_02 (04:13):
My days felt like now my evenings are much more
hectic than my days.
Or not, actually.
Sometimes it just keeps goingfor the time I wake up to the
time I go to sleep.
But because I'm in a um adiscovery phase of certain
things, so I'm like, I get hyperfocused and I'm like, gotta
(04:33):
figure this out.
Thinking the brain type stuff.
Yeah, I get it.
Yeah, man.
Well, how you feeling today?
You good?
You you wanna take the rest ofthe weekend to rest?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
No, I don't need no rest.
I'm gonna be in that gym.
SPEAKER_02 (04:52):
Well, that too.
But I know what you mean by likelooking back.
Like that's my biggest, that hasbeen my biggest issue after
having my last two kids.
Actually, like just like, ohshoot.
Then you know what I'd be goingthrough with my stomach.
So I'm like, yo.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
What happened to me was I used to, when I worked in
Center City, I took publictransportation.
So I always was walking.
SPEAKER_00 (05:16):
Gotcha.
SPEAKER_01 (05:17):
All day long.
Now where I work at in the city,I bet not be taking no public
transportation down there.
Oh no.
So that's where I went wrong.
But don't worry, don't worry.
And I'm not trying to be likeall skinny and tone, but I ain't
about to be over here justconstantly gaining weight and
(05:38):
not doing nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (05:40):
Right, right.
Just a little bit of movement.
Even what they say, like 20 or30 minutes a day is is big.
And if you're doing lifting liketwo to three times a week, could
really improve things.
SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
I gotta leave the bread alone because it tastes so
good.
And pasta.
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
Yeah, you do you do intermittent fasting or have you
tried intermittent fasting?
SPEAKER_01 (05:58):
I've tried it before, but I gotta get back on
to two smoothies a day.
That's that's what gets megoing.
Okay.
Two smoothies, one meal and twosmoothies.
Like Okay.
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (06:08):
That works for you.
If our digestive system um timeto repair itself, too.
Um, one thing that also uh hashelped me is something called
L-glutamine.
Um, take it uh in the morningbefore you eat anything.
It uh helps with the um the gutbrain axis, so it regulates your
(06:30):
mood and it also helps repairyour gut lining.
So you know, you know, I'll beknown about the supplements and
the herbs and stuff.
So uh I'll text you so you canlook into it, see if you think
it's something that will helpyou.
But um that alone You have toget some L-glutamine.
Yeah, that alone helps becauseum some people have like
(06:53):
undiagnosed gut, which is onething.
But also our microbiome in ourgut has been uh so bad for so
long, like whether it'sprocessed food, fast food, that
it just hasn't had time toprepare.
So between not eating solidswith your smoothies, that's
gonna help not just what you putin your smoothies, but the fact
(07:14):
that you're replacing somethingliquid, yeah, um instead of the
solid.
SPEAKER_01 (07:20):
Yeah, that's where I am.
SPEAKER_02 (07:22):
That's great though.
I'm I'm proud of your journey.
I need to stick to mine.
I always know.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Yeah, it's consistent, it's it's
consistent.
Like, that's all it is.
You just gotta be consistent.
But I need to be consistent anddiscipline if I'm going to this
next level.
SPEAKER_02 (07:37):
Yeah, I got a time.
You know, my where I be um wouldknock me off track with my
routine is I'll be trying to dotoo much at one time.
So yeah, that should focus.
SPEAKER_01 (07:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:53):
That's you know how to decision change football
coming to an end.
God is good.
Focus on ourselves a little bit.
Right.
These kids.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
We're gonna jump right into it.
Because everybody, so we've beenwe've been podcasting since
August 15, 2025.
And I told Desiree maybe liketwo weeks ago.
I was like, by the end of themonth, we're gonna have like
(08:28):
we're gonna have a thousandsubscribers on YouTube.
And what we got, girl?
A thousand subscribers.
No, we don't got a thousand, athousand and thirteen.
And it's probably more about soto our subscribers, to everyone
who likes, to everyone whodoesn't like, to everyone who
shares, to everyone whocomments.
(08:49):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
And then we have over a hundred people who just
downloaded our podcast ontotheir phone.
SPEAKER_01 (08:54):
Yes.
So we thank you guys so so much.
Like, thank you so much.
It's not in vain, but some ofy'all do want to hear what we
what we got to say, right?
And some of y'all just want tobe there to just be pains and
are you know what's.
But we appreciate that.
We appreciate that.
Yeah, um, and with that beingsaid, of course, you're
subscribing, you're liking,you're sharing.
(09:16):
You feel like you know us, butyou want to know a little bit
more.
So today, like, let's just getinto like a little bit of our
story.
Sounds like I think they deservethat.
Thousand subscribers.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (09:29):
So get into it.
So, what's your story, girl?
SPEAKER_02 (09:32):
When I'm asked that question, it's so hard to lead
with because naturally I go tothe trauma.
And it's like, oh wow, but Godhas done so many great things
too.
And so that balance to try tofigure out, oh, well, what do I
lead with?
Like, who is Dez?
And I'm gonna tell y'all rightnow, I'm multifaceted.
(09:52):
Don't try to put me in a boxbecause Dez does it all for
real.
But um I moved from suburbs tothe city when I was like six
years old.
And so I went from a town wherethe only people in my class that
look like me were my relativesto a town where I walked in, I
(10:16):
literally was like, uh-uh, bringme up out of here.
Where y'all got me?
We y'all got me.
This ain't no family reunion.
We're gonna be in here in astructured learning environment.
My family act up, all of us actup, and I'll be the one on the
sideline.
You want me to be in the classwith them all day?
But uh moving to the citychanged my life.
(10:37):
My mom, uh, she she had got a uma job at the university during
that time, and the opportunitiesthat was granted to us were
beyond educational,educationally and everything,
like just exposure to thingsthat based on, you know, the
conversations me and my mom had,like, people never encouraged
(11:00):
her to go to college.
They didn't make her feel asthough she could go to college.
Some people blatantly said, youknow, well, where are you gonna
work when you get out of school?
Because college not for you,type of thing.
And for us, she wanted us to beable to see all of our options.
And so that I was reallygrateful for that.
But on the flip side, you know,uh growing up in a city was
(11:21):
rough and it was hard.
And there was a lot of traumafor me that I didn't really get
to process at the time.
I didn't process it until I wasan adult or married or, you
know, different phases of yourlife, you process different
things as you realize it'strauma.
So um, when I got uh pregnantwith Tristan, my oldest at 18
(11:42):
actually.
And uh a big part of my storywas I felt like I let down a lot
of people.
Tristan's such a blessing.
And you know, all my kids are ablessing and they all have a
some level of a call on them.
But uh with Tristan, I maturevery quickly.
But it it brought me to a pointwhere I had to learn so much
(12:04):
about myself and about survival.
From having Tristan, probablyeven up until now, I haven't
been able to turn off survivalmode.
And that's it's been hard.
Um because no matter how my lifeis, whether it's from the
outside looking in or just whatit is, my brain still functions
(12:26):
as it's in survival mode.
And I'm trying to unlearn someof those behaviors.
That's why when you you tell meabout myself, it's so hard to
accept sometimes because my mindis just like on go, go, go.
And I'm that's the phase I'm innow where I'm trying to calm my
nervous system.
Like that, but you don't have tobe like that no more.
Um, that was a big part, youknow.
(12:48):
It's it's tough to talk aboutsome of the stuff, you know?
Like, you know, stuff with mydad.
I I was in a two-parenthousehold, loved it.
Daddy's girl, okay.
But um, I seen a lot, I wasexposed to a lot.
It shaped me, made me who I Iam.
But sometimes it's just like,God, I I was really in a moment
(13:09):
where I'm like, God, why?
Why me?
SPEAKER_01 (13:11):
When it shaped you, how?
How did it shape you?
SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
I'm an empath.
Yeah.
I never want people to feelmisunderstood.
Like when people feelmisunderstood, it bothers me.
When people feel rejected, itbothers me.
When people don't have, itbothers me.
And I just, you know, sometimesI'll sit back and observe and
look and be like, God, what doyou want me to do in this
(13:35):
situation?
How do you want to use me?
And I'm not even exaggerating.
I know that's like extreme, butI really do be like, well, God,
well, I'm feeling this way.
What do you want me to do withthis?
Like, do you want, do I move onit?
Do I act on it?
What do I do?
Um, and so, you know, Godpositioned me a lot to be able
to help others, regardless ofwhere I am in my life.
(13:57):
Whether it is showing up,showing up in different ways.
But I went through what I wentthrough so that I can help other
people get through what they'regoing through.
And it's a blessing.
SPEAKER_01 (14:12):
But when you're going through it, like no
blessing, it doesn't feel likeit.
SPEAKER_02 (14:17):
It doesn't feel like it.
Like the stripping, the molding,the breaking, like man, the
breaking, the breaking, thebreaking.
Um, when I probably when I wasabout 12, starting at about 12,
I used to just as I'm going toschool and everything, just
(14:38):
praying to God, praying to God,God.
I'll pray for everything.
I I pray for the trees, but I Iprayed for my husband at that
time.
I prayed for my family at thattime.
I prayed for all things that Ithought would be big differences
in my life as I got older.
Like I would just pray.
And then hit high school, I wasgoing through things.
(14:58):
I hate when people say kidsdon't go through things.
I hate when people say that.
Because whether you're fightingoff the demons from generations
before or or whatever, people gothrough stuff.
I used to wake up um uh like at5:30 to go to 6 a.m.
prayer every day when I was inhigh school because I was
(15:18):
battling stuff.
I was battling not being able tounder Oh God, here it comes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:24):
It's okay, let it out.
I've had my fair share.
Let it out.
Don't let it out too much,because then I'm gonna start
crying.
I'm gonna look at the camera.
SPEAKER_02 (15:35):
Um one of my battles in life has been the people's
term that neurodivergent thing.
Okay.
Because people don't a lot ofpeople don't get it.
They don't understand it.
They don't understand it.
Now it's become such a trend anda fad that people don't
(15:56):
understand like how hard you hadto work to get to where you are.
You know what I'm saying?
Like people are just like, oh,you so smart, or oh, you know
everything, or you figure likeyou always gonna figure it out.
And as much of a compliment itis, it's like I don't have no
choice.
But yeah, like if I just letthis overtake me, my mind is
(16:20):
always going.
Like so when did you guys knowthat like were you diagnosed or
you Yeah, but um for me, youknow, I took an IQ test when I
was like in third grade.
And so they everybody knew thatI was intelligent, right?
(16:44):
Like, what would you do withthat?
So I went to a special I wassent to a special school um with
all intelligent people.
Um so when that environment,when you with a bunch of other
people that have similar traitsas you, it feels very normal.
When you're taking out thatenvironment, when I went to high
school, I decided to go to umour our our city high school.
(17:07):
We had like four high schools.
So we had like a science andtechnology one, a private one,
you had the vote, you know, andthen we had like NBHS.
And so I went to the regularhigh school and I couldn't
concentrate.
I couldn't like the the I wentfrom like nine classes to four.
And you gotta sit in that classblock schedule and you gotta sit
(17:29):
in there for an hour and a half,and it was really tripping me
out.
Like I just couldn't thinkstraight in the classes, and I
didn't say anything to my mom,but I used to skip school.
I used to leave school and I'dgo to the library.
I would go to the library toteach myself, honestly.
And I would I wasn't honest withmy mom about it, I wasn't honest
with anybody about it because Ifelt like they they depend the
(17:54):
not dependent, expected me to besmart.
And so when um I was skippingschool my senior year, they
basically said you got A's andB's, but if you don't come to
school, you ain't gonnagraduate.
Right.
And so I told my mom, I waslike, just let me take the GD
then because I can't go back.
And she liked to lost her mind.
SPEAKER_01 (18:13):
See how I just looked at you?
SPEAKER_02 (18:15):
Yeah, he liked to lost her mind.
She said, You going to school,you better figure it out.
You going to school.
But at the time, we didn't knowwhy.
So it wasn't until um I went toschool and I went to school
every day, y'all.
My senior year after uh notevery day, after I got in
trouble, and my mom said, Iain't bothering you, they try to
bring me to court, you know whatI'm saying?
Nobody got time to be.
(18:37):
My mom don't play, y'all.
She don't play.
When she found out, I thought Ithought it was over for my life.
But but anyway, so um, you knowwhat I happened.
I walked, I I graduated um liketop 10 or 20 percent of my
class.
Like I was good.
I had probably the mostscholarships anybody had.
When I tell you my mom wasn'tplaying, she said you better
(18:59):
figure out how to pay forcollege.
I applied to every, I mean,everything, whether the school
was sending in, I was goingonline, I was asking people, I
was everything.
So college was I had a fullscholarship and I had a dance
scholarship as well, um, torecords.
Uh so but I had Tristan.
So turn, right?
(19:22):
But um when I got to college, Isaid, this is worse.
I said, hold on now.
I I what?
And then the campus was so big,I had to run from this side to
that side to I could not, mybrain, what it wasn't, I
couldn't stay organized, Icouldn't stay on top of my, I
(19:44):
couldn't do anything.
I knew it, I was processing theinformation, but for some
reason, like whether it wassitting in a class or something
else, I was just reallydifficult for me.
So anyway, um, I ended upgetting a diagnosis when I was
um my first year of college.
I was still 18.
Yeah, so I was a teenager when Igot diagnosed.
(20:05):
Um, and I was just explaining.
We had to like trace my wholebackstory.
Like, well, how did you respondwhen you were in elementary?
Did you used to get out yourseat a lot?
Did you go do this?
Like, I used to get in troublefor daydreaming all the time.
Um, or just talking too much.
Uh so we went through, I had totake a battery of assessment
(20:26):
over and over and see a coupledifferent um psychiatrists, and
um, it was like all of them saidthe same thing.
It was three things it was PTSD,it was ADHD, and it was anxiety
from all those things.
Um, so yeah, that has been likemy personal biggest thing to get
(20:48):
over because I feel like whenpeople learn, like whether I
befriend people or they see thethings that I've accomplished,
they feel like it came so easy.
And it's like I'm like, yo.
And it didn't.
It just didn't.
And it's not that, you know,it's okay how people get it.
It's just like in my mind, I'mjust like, people, I I just
(21:12):
don't know how to express, like,well, thank you.
I'm happy, I'm happy.
It's like it's hard, it's hardto maintain too.
SPEAKER_01 (21:21):
But why is so why do you feel like when they do give
you the compliment that you haveto let them know it was hard?
SPEAKER_02 (21:29):
I don't.
Okay.
It's just something like I'mexpressing.
Okay, okay, gotcha.
Yeah, I don't like if you areclose friends, probably you
don't only want to talk aboutthat.
Like, I don't even got to talkto my siblings and stuff about
it because they know.
SPEAKER_00 (21:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (21:43):
Yeah.
But you probably the only personthat I could vent to about stuff
like that.
But yeah, my siblings know myhusband gets it because he gotta
deal with the shenanigansbecause I'm always losing
something.
He be creating little spots forme.
Put your keys here because Iain't looking for them again.
SPEAKER_01 (22:06):
Put your keys here.
That's because he'd been to themilitary.
Right.
I don't know what happened.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (22:18):
He did go to school, a football school upstate in New
York.
SPEAKER_01 (22:22):
Well, there you go.
SPEAKER_02 (22:23):
That might have, but I think he might have came out
like that.
Cause look at DJ.
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
Yeah, you're right.
SPEAKER_02 (22:28):
They just got that trait.
I love it because we balanceeach other out.
Like, like I was telling you, Iwas like, um, he keeps us
grounded and I keep us lifted.
Like I keep us, like, you know.
Right.
And so we good, but yeah, I Idon't share that with a lot of
people because one, it's none oftheir business, but but now, but
now y'all know.
(22:48):
But two, it's just a a battle,uh battle inside sometimes.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
You are silly.
Let's get to your story becauseI did a lot of talking, girl.
SPEAKER_01 (23:02):
Oh, you did it.
We're it's done.
We're done, guys.
She told her story, we done.
SPEAKER_02 (23:06):
It's so much more to be done.
SPEAKER_01 (23:10):
You don't want to hear about it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:11):
We'll we'll start, we'll start there, but I'm sure
some things you say is gonna belike, yo, because even being the
single motherhood to find, Iwasn't about to get married to
nobody.
My sister, my witness, but Godsent them and said, This is what
you're about to do.
SPEAKER_01 (23:28):
This is what you thought you were about to do,
right?
SPEAKER_02 (23:30):
Because they was written off.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
Girl, so I'm Josh.
Hey Josh.
I am, and I probably said this,y'all know by now, y'all know I
got brothers, okay?
But what y'all don't know isthat growing up I had a sister.
Yeah.
Um, but my sister and I were notclose.
She didn't come around.
(23:54):
Like, I probably spent two timeswith my sister out my whole
entire life, right?
So growing up, I had my mom, mydad, my sister.
I'm sorry, not my sister, mybrothers, my dog that I was
terrified of.
Let's throw that out there.
I was scared of dogs.
Dog owner.
I was scared of dogs until I waslike 12.
unknown (24:16):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (24:17):
Well, I'm proud of you for getting over your fear.
Yes, I was scared of dogs untilI was like 12, but we always had
Rottwallers in there, green.
Oh, yeah.
Then I was scared of them.
SPEAKER_02 (24:26):
Well, they kind of be.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
But back then, people kept their dogs outside.
SPEAKER_02 (24:30):
Or in the basement.
SPEAKER_01 (24:32):
Yeah, or in the basement in the wintertime.
But the rest of the seasons,them dogs was outside.
Yeah.
In them dog houses, becausethat's what they made for.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But anyway.
So it was always us.
Um, I came from like a reallybig family, close with both
sides, right?
My mom's side and my dad's side,but extremely closer to my dad's
(24:52):
side because they're here.
Yeah.
We're here.
Um, growing up, I was extremelyselfish.
I didn't know that I was selfishuntil I grew up and went into my
adult years.
And people told you you wereselfish?
No, they didn't tell me I wasselfish.
People would say she don't knowhow to be a friend.
(25:12):
And in my my mind, I'm like,yes, I do, because I'm loyal.
I don't play about y'all.
I'ma show up, but it was more toit was more to it than just what
I thought.
You know what I mean?
Was a friendship, uh, whatever.
I was just selfish.
Like it was just me, me, me, me,me.
But in this in the same instant,I wasn't selfish.
(25:36):
Because I'm an empath.
I'm always looking for lookingout for people.
I want to fix it.
Like, you know what I mean?
So, okay.
Put that to the side.
Dad passed away when I wasyoung.
Oh, yeah.
So it made us be go from likethe mom and you know, the whole
family to just it's me, my mom,and my brothers.
(25:57):
Um, what they don't know is thatI used to be really lonely.
Everybody was always older thanme.
Yeah.
I was just like lonely.
So I would stay at my friend'shouse.
I would go to my friend's houseall the time.
And my mom would let me.
And it was probably just becauseshe knew I like I was the only
girl, but um I was really,really like, not sad, just like
(26:21):
felt alone.
I stayed in church.
This is the crazy thing, right?
Me too.
I was on the missionary, juniormissionaries, the ushers, I was
on the choir, I was a praisedancer, and nobody knew that I
was lonely in it.
Had everything I wanted.
Um, my story compared to like mybrother's stories, completely
(26:45):
different, right?
They seen a lot of other things,but um, especially when my dad
passed away, like I was reallylike lonely in the inside.
Um which is why I think Istopped smiling around that
time.
Um ear hug.
Um so to backtrack, when my dadpassed away, I always joke
(27:10):
around and I say, you know, hetook something with me.
But I mean that.
He took something with him.
Yeah, he took something withhim.
Like I mean that.
Um just because someone laughsdoesn't mean they're smiling,
right?
So um I I didn't smile a lot.
Um had everything I wanted.
(27:31):
Um became titled like a meangirl.
But I wasn't mean.
I was hard on the outsidebecause I had to be, you know,
that daddy that love thatsometimes you need a man.
(27:52):
Um daughter, father, that lovewas like taken.
Give me another second.
Yeah, she won't take a second.
SPEAKER_02 (28:02):
Give me another one.
Um and she lost her dad when shewas relatively young.
Yeah, you know, I lost mine inmy 20s.
So, you know, it's it's a littledifferent, but I understand the
mot the father-daughterrelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (28:16):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_02 (28:17):
And so I guess so.
SPEAKER_01 (28:19):
To go from that, um, to and to just being like me, my
brothers, and my mom, I had tobe strong.
Because that's what I'm seeing,right?
Yes, I'm spoiled, but I gotta betough.
I gotta be strong on theoutside.
Like, we don't cry.
We don't, you know what I mean?
If I'm crying, it's because Iwanted to go to limited two and
(28:42):
y'all didn't take me, or Iwanted to go to Strawbridges, or
what I wanted from Strawbridgeswasn't there, and I'm mad.
Like, but I was I was like toughon the outside, but like said,
not sad.
It wasn't sad though.
It was like something wasmissing on the inside, right?
So something's missing, butinstead of people, and and it's
(29:06):
no one's fault, instead ofpeople understanding that or
knowing that, they're just like,Josh is mean.
Josh always got something to saybecause Josh's not gonna let you
talk to her any type of way.
I learned that from a very youngage.
Yeah, and you just not gonnatreat me bad, or and if you rub
me the wrong way, it's over.
So I was um growing up, I waslabeled as the mean one.
(29:29):
She mean, she rude, whatever, Idon't care.
Um was supposed to be going toClark, Atlanta for college, got
pregnant.
That my plans to go to Clark,Atlanta just changed.
Um got pregnant one time, gotpregnant another time, got
(29:52):
pregnant another time.
After that, same person.
Did I learn my lesson the firsttime?
No, because the lesson that wassupposed to be.
Supposed to be learned was notit wasn't a lesson at the time
because I wasn't ready for it.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't there was nothing tobe taught.
There was nothing to learnbecause I couldn't see anything.
(30:13):
Um back and forth with my kids'dad, dealing with somebody who
in your face like you, butbehind your back telling
everybody he don't like you, hedon't this, he don't do that.
Yeah, like so I dealt with that.
And because I have brothers, um,one thing you don't do when
(30:36):
you're dealing with somebody,you don't involve your family in
every little thing.
Because the minute you forgivethat person, they ain't
forgiving.
They don't forgive, they don'tforget nothing.
So a lot of the stuff I dealtwith with my kids' dad, it was
on me.
Because I could have had I hadan out, right?
But because I had my mom and Ihad my dad, but then I lost my
(30:59):
dad.
I always to myself was like, Iwant my family, I don't care
what it takes.
I want to I want my making sensenow.
I wanted my kids to I've saidthis from the very beginning.
All of my children that I everhad were gonna have the same
dad.
Do I feel that way now?
SPEAKER_02 (31:18):
No, not at the expense of me.
SPEAKER_01 (31:23):
No, no, no, no, no, do I feel that way now?
No, because I don't look at himthat person the same way.
You know what I mean?
So um have all the have my kids,love my kids.
Once I had my first son'ssurvival mode started for me,
not immediately, because I wasyoung, I was dumb.
(31:45):
Kids' dad was doing his thing,like money.
Yeah, I had social security frommy dad.
Like the money was coming in,like I wasn't worried about
anything.
So um, yeah, I was I was justyoung and dumb.
Like, ah, you couldn't tell menothing.
SPEAKER_02 (32:04):
Yeah, so financially you was good because you had
older siblings, all brothers,you had your mom, you had social
security, he had a good job.
SPEAKER_01 (32:13):
Yeah, my uh he had a job.
So I was fine.
Um life start life.
Um I went through something.
Most of my most of my PTSD andthe trauma that I have comes
from that area of my life.
(32:35):
Um some things happened when Iwas younger that I don't talk
about.
Um my dad passed away.
Of course, that's traumatic.
But most of my trauma comes frombeing a mom.
Yeah.
Like I was not um I worked onceI started working, first of all,
(33:00):
I had my first job at 16, right?
But I didn't have to have thatjob.
Like it wasn't a must that Ineeded to work.
Right.
Um, so once I decided, like, youknow what, I don't want to be
waiting for nobody to give me nomoney.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm gonna start working.
Never stopped working.
Um I've been in survival modeever since.
(33:21):
Pregnancies were not fun for me.
Um the love that I wanted tohave was not there.
Um it wasn't there, you knowwhat I mean?
Like all a lot of my trauma camefrom being a mom.
That's good.
SPEAKER_00 (33:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:43):
Yeah.
So uh maybe um, I don't know.
I'm not even about to keep goinginto the whole trauma with the
mom part, but that's hardbecause we don't talk about it.
SPEAKER_02 (33:55):
Yeah, we are we don't talk about that.
We might transition to the nextepisode to talk about it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:01):
Yeah, we don't talk about that.
We don't talk about being youngand being in love and not caring
and just putting up, and I knewbetter than to put up with
certain things that I allowed,but again, the stereotypes.
Because for one, when I gotpregnant, the church that I was
attending, they talked about melike a dog.
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
Well, let's talk about it real quick because
there's people like that, and Iwas really hurt.
But I I I'm I had some greatpeople though.
I did, so I'm not gonna getdown.
Absolutely.
Yeah, like you guys know who youare, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (34:37):
But the other ones, the other ones, the thing about
me, right?
When I got pregnant with my son,TMI, when I lost my, you know
what I mean?
The church was talking about me,but y'all wasn't talking about
the primers and the praisedancers.
SPEAKER_02 (34:54):
That was I feel the same way.
SPEAKER_01 (34:57):
And I can say that because I'm grown, and y'all had
13 and 14-year-olds on my onthat dance ministry doing more
than dancing for Jesus.
Let's talk about it because Iwas in the same situation as
you, and I'm like that goes intochurch hurt, mom trauma, being a
(35:20):
mom, having just dealing withstuff, just completely in
survival mode.
Um, trying to trying to be therefor people, and they're not
understanding nobody ever, whatI did realize when I was called
a bad friend and I was not agood person, nobody ever thought
(35:42):
about what was Josh goingthrough.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like nobody ever thought that.
Y'all just thought because Iwasn't showing up, I couldn't
show up in that moment, or Ididn't show up how they wanted
me to show up.
That's usually what I was a badfriend.
You know what I mean?
So that, yeah, so that was hard.
(36:02):
But then I started working, youknow, working in my career.
I did not go right to college.
Um, all of my HR, for the mostpart, all of my HR experience
was gained, period.
Um I I was I didn't want to bean HR um professional.
I wanted to be a radiologist.
(36:24):
Really?
SPEAKER_03 (36:24):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (36:25):
I wanted to be a radiologist.
I had my interview, I had oneinterview, um, and this lady she
worked for the state of NewJersey, and she looked at me and
she said, I see something in youthat I don't think you see in
yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (36:38):
She said that.
SPEAKER_01 (36:40):
She said, You are gonna go, I'm getting chills
right now thinking about it.
She said, You are gonna go sofar, HR, and you don't you only
here for a front desk receptionposition.
Thank God for those people whoare obedient to what God tell
them to do.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Because before that, I was Iworked at the hospital.
I worked, I'm a I was a youthadvocate for a boys' home.
(37:03):
Like, don't play about my boys.
Like, I I'm just destined to bearound boys, right?
Um, but yes, she spoke that intome.
And next thing you know, now I'mhere.
So that's my story.
I know it's so much more.
It's always so much more that'sjust a synopsis because we'll be
here forever.
(37:23):
We will.
Um, I had a book club one time.
I just wish she was just gonnadrop that or just try to.
Because I had a book club, Idon't have none no more, but I
love the youth.
So mom hurt, survival mode.
I'm still here.
Um, I'm blessed.
I have four great kids.
Um, I have a great village.
(37:44):
That's my story.
SPEAKER_02 (37:46):
Thank you for sharing your story.
I've been listening.
Yeah, because it's hard.
Like, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:53):
And I think our story, someone needs to hear our
story, right?
For sure.
Because there's out this is howI feel.
There's always a younger me outthere struggling and I can't see
the future.
But I tell you what, if you justhold on and you stay true to who
you are, because it's never whatthey call you, it's what you
(38:13):
answer to.
I know that's right.
So you just stay true to who youare.
That little girl out there thatalways got something to say,
keep saying it.
Don't shut up for nobody, justknow what to say, when to stay
in the house and say it.
Yeah, I'm trying to raise mydaughter to know that.
SPEAKER_02 (38:29):
But keep talking.
Like, Lord, she ain't got hermama personality.
Because you can't shut listen.
SPEAKER_01 (38:36):
But yeah, so I'm I'm just blessed.
So somebody out there needs tohear our stories.
Keep your story for the nextgeneration.
Because we just have to, we'rejust here to teach one.
Each one teach.
SPEAKER_02 (38:47):
Yeah, and we we'll we'll go back into some other
parts of our story as y'allcontinue to listen to the
podcast because there's so manyfacets of us, there's so much to
learn.
Even though we experiencedwhatever traumas, like God still
showed up, God still provided,He really positioned us, and
that is so important for peopleto know and understand.
(39:10):
Like, well, giving your story,how did you achieve certain
things?
Yeah, you know, right?
Um, because a lot of people theybe stuck in that story and they
don't rewrite it.
SPEAKER_01 (39:20):
They don't rewrite it, and you can rewrite your
story at any moment, anychapter, wherever you want to
begin again, you can do it.
Yes, you can begin again.
Like you don't have your and I'mpreaching to the choir right
now, God.
You don't have to stay inanything longer than what you
would like to.
Yeah, you can begin again, it'sokay.
(39:42):
It's okay.
So what's your story?
Somebody tell us go to um go toco-pilot at the top of your
screens and tell them your storyreal fast so they can summarize
it.
Put it in our comments.
I'm like, let us know what isyour story, yeah.
And again, thank you guys somuch for the thousand um
(40:04):
subscribers, the hundreddownloads.
SPEAKER_02 (40:07):
We're so appreciative, so happy, and keep
rocking with us because it's somuch I think we all can teach
one another, learn from oneanother, encourage one another.
Yeah, I'm always here for it.
Like, I know I know God calledme to just inspire.
Like, I used to just be like,God, I literally just ask God,
what do you want me to do inthis moment?
What do you want me to do?
(40:28):
Whether it's inspire, encourage,you know, empower.
Like God has put me in so manypositions to do those things.
And I'm I'm I'm chosen.
I tell myself that all the time,you're chosen, you're anointed.
Yeah, you know, you gotta, yougotta sometimes affirm yourself
and repeat back to yourself whatGod told you about you.
So if anybody's still in it,affirm yourself.
(40:51):
God chose you, he called you.
What did he call you to do?
Change that story up, you're onthe right track, you got this,
and we here for it.
We wanna see all we want to seethe glow up, okay?
SPEAKER_01 (41:03):
Okay, and my pastor on Sunday taught about talk
about being the miracle.
So every day you look atyourself in that mirror, you
remind yourself I'm a miraclebecause I couldn't walk in her
shoes, she couldn't walk in myshoes.
Now we got similar shoes.
We do probably got red and I gotmaroon, but very similar shoes.
(41:27):
Very similar shoes, but they'reher shoes and they're my shoes.
And when we look in that mirror,we we are miracles.
Yeah, I am a miracle.
You are a miracle, whateveryou're going through right now.
Listen, tough times don't lastlong.
Tough people do strong, and wedon't always want to be strong
because one day, sis, we ain'tgonna be in survival mode.
(41:51):
Yep, we're gonna be in our nakedwomen era.
So just keep going.
Keep going.
It's okay to not be okay, butkeep going.
Do not let the world, do not letyour thoughts, do not let
people, nothing bring you downto the point where you feel like
(42:12):
you can't dig yourself back upout and up.
Keep it going and buy me acoffee.
Why is a coffee?
Because I'm on a diet.
SPEAKER_02 (42:21):
I need some wine right now.
Wine has sugar in it.
But yeah, so yes, buy us acoffee, buy us a tea, all that
good stuff.
And thank you so much forsupporting us.
We really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01 (42:39):
We was doing the wrong thing.
SPEAKER_02 (42:41):
Over just blocking it.
But all right.
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