October 10, 2025 • 26 mins
Why is it so hard to say no when we know we need to? This episode gets honest about people-pleasing, overextending ourselves, and learning to protect our peace without guilt. From motherhood and relationships to faith and self-care, the conversation unpacks how boundaries can be an act of obedience, rest, and spiritual growth.
It’s a reminder that saying no isn’t rejection — it’s redirection. Sometimes the greatest “yes” to your purpose starts with a simple no.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
One, two, three, no.
SPEAKER_02 (00:02):
And you can say nothing nice.
No.
One thing I'm not gonna do israise a whole bunch of bratty
kids that go into a whole bunchof bratty adults.
And what I thought I was gonnaget rid of at 18, turn into soul
core.
Let me have 40 for the same typeof thing.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Creating those boundaries and saying no, it'll
have you feeling bad at first.
But then when you realize howmuch self-care it is in saying
no, you start feeling good.
God knows it's not.
SPEAKER_02 (00:37):
Or no, because I got something bad for you better.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
If I tell you I can't come somewhere to leave me
and God going on a date, thereyou go.
So don't take it personal, takeit out with him.
SPEAKER_00 (00:50):
Woman in Black is where we put down the case and
pick up the mic, beingauthentically who we are, where
we are, unmasked, unfiltered,and unapologetic.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03):
Alright, let's do a quick check-in.
How are you?
How are you doing?
Why are you laughing?
SPEAKER_01 (01:11):
Because I'm alright.
You know, got some things goingon right now.
But I'm good.
What about you?
I'm good.
SPEAKER_02 (01:27):
Living?
Living.
Then I said, I'm fine, I'mliving.
I'm surviving.
I'm thriving.
I'm I'm listening I'm living mysoft girl era.
Good.
I don't even care about nothingelse.
It's the boy, I don't even care.
(01:48):
I don't even care.
It's just like what, huh?
SPEAKER_01 (01:53):
Yeah, I wish I couldn't care.
Well, I choose what I careabout.
Me too.
That's better.
But the stuff I want to choosenot to care about, I still got
to care about.
Yeah.
I have two cups today.
I have a cup of water and a cupof sugar.
(02:13):
That's exactly what it is.
That's it.
And that's why I'm I'mdehydrated and all this other
stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What you need is a cup of tea.
That's what you need.
I had tea.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (02:27):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:28):
Flash into your sugar.
SPEAKER_02 (02:30):
And then the other way around.
I got my black tea with umdandelion root in it.
You need that.
Let's see you need the.
I'm trying.
I just be on my journey.
(02:53):
We all got journey.
That's one of my journeys.
Because my body don't becooperating.
So I gotta do more.
I gotta be extra with it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Gotta be disciplined.
SPEAKER_02 (03:06):
Yeah.
So what's our topic for today?
SPEAKER_01 (03:14):
It is.
Saying no, it's okay to say no.
Yeah.
And why it's important to sayno.
You gotta create thoseboundaries.
No.
Right.
I overwhelm myself.
Not on purpose, but because Iwant to show up for everybody.
(03:36):
Yep.
And then I'm trained.
And in the time, I I should,what I should do is when people
invite me places, I should justbe like, oh, let me think about
it first.
Immediately, if y'all if Ialready know I don't have
anything to do.
Or I know I can, even if I knowI can't, I'ma still be like,
(03:58):
okay, I'll be there.
I'll do it.
You see how I just ran those uhcases of water in the house
knowing good and well, my bodycouldn't do that today.
It's still just all right, I'lldo it.
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
Yeah, because I think sometimes we over um
extend ourselves thinking thatwe're being nice, and we done
went over into it ain't so Idon't I won't call it
self-sabotage yet, but justthink of this scenario where
somebody's you ask somebody ifthey need something and they say
no, and you like, are you sure?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Take that no and run and just go, right?
Yes, that's what I have to do.
Yes, so no, yeah, they they areokay, cool, but I'm just so
over, it's it's just me.
It's just me always wanting tomake sure everybody is okay, and
I read something that people whoovershare or who always want to
(04:58):
show up for people, they do itbecause people haven't like they
feel like they're filling a voidof when times when people just
weren't there for them or whenthey needed people.
I've always had a village,right?
But the times that I neededpeople the most, nobody knew
that I needed them.
(05:18):
And whose fault is that?
SPEAKER_02 (05:20):
Mine.
You and the only reason why Iask that is like I'm definitely
a person who have done more, butI have to always like check
myself in it and ask myselfthose questions because they're
not putting me in that position.
I'm putting me in that position.
Yeah, and I'm like, Dez, you'renot showing up for you.
That's not their fault.
(05:41):
Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
And it's hard, it's a hard lesson to learn.
So I had to learn that.
No, and then one time, it's likeit's so hard because I'm an I'm
an empath, like I have so muchempathy to a uh to an extent,
right?
Especially, okay, especiallybecause I am let's throw this
out here.
This is one thing y'all couldget to know about me.
(06:04):
I'm friendly, but I'm not nice,right?
So I can engage in aconversation with anybody, I can
make you feel really nice andjust be friendly, but I'm only
nice, like really nice to mypeople.
Right.
Like, I'm overly like those aremy people, I'm territorial.
(06:24):
So I never want anyone to lackanything.
If we're all attached, like I'mgonna try to find a way to make
your situation better.
Like, that's just me.
But one time I found myself umjust checking up on other
people, and um someone neededsome food, right?
(06:47):
So this person didn't need food,but I felt bad because like he
needed me, right?
So I could never say no.
So here I am ordering all thisfood to send to the next state.
Turn around in my pantry afterliterally texting, like the food
(07:08):
got delivered.
Did you get it?
Turn around in my pantry, mindyou, I have boys.
Me, my boy, me and my boy, justit's just me and my boys at
home.
Turn around in my pantry, and Ihaven't even gone grocery
shopping for myself.
No food in there for my for meand my kids, but because I could
not say no, you know what Imean?
(07:29):
But it just took from it, kindof like it, not even kind of, it
did.
It took from their mouths tofeed somebody else who is
capable of doing for themselves,versus my boys are still kids,
so they depend, they dependdepend.
They depend solely on me to get,you know what I mean, to supply
(07:51):
their needs.
But that made me realize likeJosh, you gotta say no.
Yeah, you gotta say no.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
I think it took me some time to learn as well.
I'm not gonna act like I justlike I still have time to wear
art, but I'm I'm probably I'mprobably not as bad as you are,
because I I would say no, orI'll be like, I'm not sure if I
could do that, or you know,trying to find better ways of
saying it so I don't feel bad,but I my brain is telling me,
(08:21):
well, that don't feel bad forprioritizing yourself, and so I
think that's where I no longerlook to people for my
validation.
I know we've said things likethat in the past, like people be
running to internet validationstuff, yeah.
But um, I don't look to peoplefor validation anymore.
Like I know who I am, I don'tneed to hand clap, I don't need
(08:42):
to not saying that's why you didthat, I want to be clear.
I don't need to hand clap, but Ithink those are some of the
reasons why um I showed up forpeople in the past.
I showed up for for them in thepast, one to make them feel
good, but because it made mefeel good.
And I understand that God canuse me to uh show show the world
who he is, and sometimes I don'tknow where that boundary stops,
(09:07):
but I also know that God wantsme to prioritize him in my life,
not just showing other peoplehim.
And I think that's where theconfusion used to like overwhelm
me.
I didn't see it as confusion,but once you start having
children, once you start thesethings and you you do that and
you look at your parents andyou're like, did I just and
(09:29):
that's the realization, like,yes, my cup will overflow, but
I'm not just gonna pour my cupinto yours, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:36):
Right, and then you realize, right?
I'm constantly giving yes, yes.
And and listen, the yeses do notmean financial yeses all the
time.
You know what I mean?
Like, it could be anythingbecause you can be drained just
from always giving somebodyadvice all the time, always
being a burden dumper where theydump their burdens on you, and
(09:58):
then you just constantly pouringinto them.
So I had to learn that part too.
Like, no, I can't, I can't pourinto you right now.
I can't, I can't do it.
Like, I am currently, I think wesaid this in a few episodes
prior, like in my selfishseason, where I have to say, I
literally have to say no.
(10:19):
Right, like literally have tosay no, even with my kids,
right?
So, because I raise my kids bymyself, and my most of my kids,
they have um, all of theirfriends are like two-parent
households.
So I always go up super aboveand beyond to make sure my kids
don't ever feel like they'relacking anything because such
(10:42):
and such mom and dad did this,and such and such mom and dad
did this, so it's like I gottado it.
But here lately, no, and it'salways Tyler, like it's always
Tyler.
He always gets me like feelinglike, oh my god, now I gotta go
three times harder because hisfriends are no, no, Tyler.
(11:03):
I love you.
No, it's always Tyler, it'salways what it's always Tyler.
He could get me every time tofeel so bad, like, oh, I gotta
do this extra because he onlyhas me.
SPEAKER_02 (11:15):
And it's so crazy because like I now I see it from
both sides, right?
Having been a single mom andthen having been married, and
I'm so much practicing no withthese kids, and I think that
from the single mom perspective,sometimes we feel like we gotta
fill that void and we want toshow up the best, we want them
(11:36):
to feel like they're not lackinganything.
But on the other end, from themarriage perspective, I sit here
like y'all not about to beentitled.
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
No, you're not gonna get an exact no, no, no, and so
it's like almost not that allsingle parents and all married
parents do this, but sometimesyou see that as a single bob,
you you doing things that themarried parents ain't even
doing, and you out here pickingup two extra jobs just to make
(12:04):
sure.
Mind you, you already make goodmoney, but you gotta go get a
whole nother job just to makesure.
SPEAKER_02 (12:10):
No, like I'm about to stress myself out behind.
SPEAKER_01 (12:13):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Like go outside, go outside.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
No, leave me a girl.
It's just I don't, and thenhonestly, no, it's hard for me.
For for me to hear people tellme no.
Oh, yeah.
That's like what kind of what'sthat a foreign language?
Like, what do you mean no?
Like, that's okay, and thatmight be come because like I'm
the youngest again.
(12:36):
Um you know what I mean?
I'm the only girl, so it's like,no, what is no?
That is disgusting.
You want me to go back upstairsand try this again?
Like, that's nasty.
No, I used to have a hard timewith that.
No, that's crazy.
(12:56):
Mo could mean like not rightnow, yeah.
But no, no, I don't want to hearthat.
Do it now.
I asked you right now.
Give it to me now.
Okay, DJ.
Yeah, yeah, that's me now.
Right now.
How are you gonna get over that?
No, I no, that was me.
I'm sorry.
That was me.
I'm over it.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
But you know, for the most part, that probably
brings balance to yourpersonality though, because it
also makes you a go-getter.
Like, okay, you said no, well,let me go here because I ain't
accepting enough.
SPEAKER_01 (13:27):
Yes, because I did that.
Like, I did that before, like,um when I was dating somebody
and they basically basicallylike, oh, I I can't do that.
Oh, okay, you can't, I'm gonnado it.
Bye.
Hello, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (13:47):
Okay, okay, let's unpack that real quick.
SPEAKER_01 (13:50):
Yeah, bye.
I don't wanna unpack it, unpackit too much.
Share a piece, as but no bye.
SPEAKER_02 (13:57):
No bye.
I think that's okay to saysometimes if you have your
expectations of people and whatyou need in a man and stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (14:06):
Because the background of that is if you're
not gonna do it, don't complainabout it.
SPEAKER_02 (14:13):
It was it a reasonable thing, yes.
Okay, that's all I need to know.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
Yes, isn't it always reasonable with me?
SPEAKER_02 (14:21):
Oh, geez.
So you might have a differentdefinition of reasonable, I'm
finding it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:25):
No, it was reasonable.
Okay, let's do it.
It was reasonable.
Next topic.
No, it was reasonable, but no, II don't know.
I just couldn't take no.
But what's some of the no's thatyou guys need to create for
yourselves?
Like, because creating thoseboundaries and saying no, it'll
have you feeling bad at first,but then when you realize how
(14:49):
much self-care it is in sayingno, you start feeling good,
yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:55):
Even in these kids too, like, so one thing I'm not
gonna do is raise a whole bunchof bratty kids that grow into a
whole bunch of bratty adults,and what I thought I was gonna
get rid of at 18, turn intosomeone called let me at 40 for
the same type of thing.
I'm not doing that, right?
(15:16):
I know parenting is a lifelongthing, I get that, but I need to
be, I need for my kids to becomehealthy adults.
So what I'm working on is noteven just saying no to them, but
also saying no to me and theexpectations as a parent to say,
I don't gotta do all thatbecause I'll be doing all of
(15:37):
that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
Yes.
So I just recently had to say noto throw in a big birthday
party, right?
Because why?
My these boys are just as simpleas just for example, after I
said I wasn't gonna do the bigshebang for Jace, I said, Oh,
I'm gonna take him to theAmerican Dream um water park.
(15:59):
And then I stopped, I said, no,asked Jace what he wants to do.
This boy said he wanna go toDavid Buster's perfect busters,
it is Jace in Roblox, right?
That's and here I am ready tospin a fortune.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
Yeah, and I listen, because I learned that for
Christmas.
I might as well just wrap upboxes for them.
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
DJ will make his own car track, he's been done no for
real, because we end up spendingall this money every year,
right?
And they play with things fortwo, three days, and we get the
big stuff, and it's not for theycould these kids could care
less.
But it's us.
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
Let me tell you.
It's us what I did this pastChristmas.
I left them open like threegifts apiece, and I hid all the
rest of them in the closet.
They've been asking for themgifts all year.
I ain't gonna lie.
I probably left them get likeone out of them.
Guess what's gonna happen withthem gifts?
They're gonna back under thetree this year.
(17:06):
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Cause why?
And then their birthdays inMarch.
Right.
They got the same, but we boughtthem for Christmas.
They godparents bought them inMarch.
Or in March for their birthdays.
Or or grandparents, and I likeliterally the same toy.
I said, I'm not doing this nomore.
Is it too late to take it back?
(17:27):
Well, I had already threw outthe oh, okay.
I was gonna say it triggeredsomething in my head.
It was a lot of, it was a lot ofthe same gifts.
So it triggered something in myhead where I was like, okay, I
see.
First of all, when that doeshappen, my husband's very, he's
(17:48):
very smart, he's logical.
So I can't even take credit.
SPEAKER_01 (17:56):
Got you back for that uh picture you posted on
Instagram.
He was waiting for your moment.
SPEAKER_02 (18:03):
I am gotta tell him to watch this gotta.
She got you, buddy.
I can't say nothing.
But uh he he actually I can'teven take credit for putting the
gifts in the closet.
I think I was the onecomplaining about it, but he the
one who actually was like, Oh, Ican solve this.
SPEAKER_01 (18:26):
That's smart, yeah.
Because we just do too much, butno is really self-care, yeah.
It really is self-care, and I'mgetting over it with um my kids.
I can say that, but my biggestno is um being invited places
like I have to create those noboundaries, like no, I'm sorry,
(18:49):
I'm gonna have to sit this oneout.
You know, like I have Iliterally have to because for
when I be drained, I'm a wholesports mom.
Yeah, I'm a robotics mom now,too.
Kids starting to work, like I ama superwoman, so sometimes the
cape really needs to come off,and I don't want to do anything.
(19:13):
Anything.
Like I can't, and then also Ihave to say no when it comes to
being invited places where it'snot my crowd.
Because do you know how muchstress that puts on you?
That you're just sittingsomewhere uncomfortable when
it's not your crowd of people,right?
(19:35):
Like, you know what I mean?
And it's okay to say no.
And if and at our grown ages, ifyour friends don't understand
that you're not comfortable orthat you cannot attend or show
up at for one particular event,if they get mad and can't
understand that, that might be athem problem.
SPEAKER_02 (19:52):
Yeah, because I I I'm quick to be like, I just
can't, I can't.
I I yeah, she do.
I can't like if I can't, I justcan't.
Like I I don't even have anyother words for them, and
they'll know exactly what I'mtalking about.
Either I can't, I can't either Idon't want to hang out with
them, or I'm tired and I needtime to myself.
(20:14):
I don't know if it's likebecause technically I'm an
extrovert.
That's that's what the thingssay, the personality
assessments.
But I need I'm drainedthroughout the week, so I need
time to replenish.
Rest is so important.
It is I didn't realize it.
(20:35):
We cannot be who we're supposedto be if we don't take time to
rest.
And I learned out the hard waybecause God said, I'm gonna sit
you down.
You wanna sit down?
I'm gonna sit you down.
SPEAKER_01 (20:45):
Yes, and that's the thing, right?
This just this just came to me,right?
I make time for everybody.
You invite me somewhere, I'mcoming, I'm doing this.
But do I make that same time forGod?
That's more, and that's moreimportant to me right now.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's so much moreimportant to me.
(21:06):
Like just reading my word andjournaling and just listening,
just thinking.
Meditating on God, yes.
So, my no, if I tell you I can'tcome somewhere, that means me
and God going on a date.
There you go.
So don't take it personal, takeit out with him.
SPEAKER_02 (21:27):
But that's so prophetic because you gotta say
no, almost have to say no tosomething to say yes to him.
Yeah, you have to be able to doit.
SPEAKER_01 (21:38):
In order to really accept that yes, exactly, you
have to say no to something.
Absolutely, because here it is.
If I can't, if I can't say nonow, right?
Knowing that God is elevatingme, he wants to make sure that
when I get to where to this nextlevel, I'm able to say no.
So these little things that heis trying to test me on, and I'm
(22:00):
not saying no, like this reallymight be test from God.
Like, let me see what she'sgonna do.
Knowing she can't, knowing shejust needs to sit down
somewhere, let me see.
Because that's twofold.
SPEAKER_02 (22:12):
Like, if you think about where God's about to bring
you, they can't go.
Exactly.
That's one.
Yep.
And then two is when you thinkabout where God's about to bring
you, you can't be goingbackwards.
Exactly.
I ain't gonna say down, but youcan't be going backwards.
Like, you really have to allowGod, we have to allow God's
(22:36):
space in our life to show up,and we have to be obedient when
he tells us no.
Because what just imagine sayingno to something really could
give opportunity for somethingelse.
That's why before I met myhusband, I was saying no.
SPEAKER_01 (22:59):
No, you wanna go into no, but also but that's a
part of my personality ofentertaining.
Like I like to entertain, right?
Oh so that's me, like you knowwhat I mean?
Like I like to entertain, butwhat I realized is I like to
entertain at my house.
Like, I don't wanna be out witheverybody else, but I still just
(23:22):
feel like okay, I'll come.
And here I am.
Exit my friends.
Why did I say yes?
I can't do it.
So y'all pray for me in apositive way, and because if
you're gonna try to prayanything negative, weapons may
form, but they will not prosper.
(23:44):
In Jesus' name.
In the name of Jesus.
So yes, I have to work on that.
Right.
So what you gonna leave thepeople with when it comes to
it's okay to say no.
Set those boundaries becauselike we said, that no for the
physical form might elevateelevate you to your yes with
(24:06):
God.
So say no, create thoseboundaries, say no.
It's hard, but once you get in aroutine, and I'm preaching to
the choir, once you get in aroutine, you be alright,
especially with them kids.
No, Tyler.
Tyler Tyler's called Tyler theone.
You get me every week.
SPEAKER_02 (24:26):
It's always one.
I'ma leave y'all with just setthose healthy boundaries.
You need healthy boundaries, youneed time, you need to practice
saying no, first of all.
Just practice saying no.
SPEAKER_01 (24:40):
Let's say it just ready.
One, two, three.
No, and you can say no nice, no,not this week.
You can say the Destiny Childsaid no, Megar Trainer said no.
A lot of people said no.
Yeah, simple as that.
And God's no is not, no, it'snot right now.
SPEAKER_02 (25:02):
Yeah, or or no, because I got something better
for better, yeah.
We want the better, we wantwhat's for us.
SPEAKER_01 (25:09):
That's what I want, exactly.
What God has.
I don't have anything right now.
SPEAKER_02 (25:16):
Sing alone, but I'm here for Jesus, that song got me
through so much.
All right, we gotta, we gottago.
SPEAKER_01 (25:25):
All right, don't forget to buy us a coffee
because and buy me a real coffeebecause let me show you how to
sugar.
So buy me some tea.
SPEAKER_02 (25:41):
Listen, we'll put the link down in the
description.
Buy us a drink of water.
SPEAKER_01 (25:47):
Water.
I like I like green tea.
And it's not a week where I needa real strong drink.
Um yeah, some water is fine, adash of lemon, cucumber, mint, a
piece of mint.
SPEAKER_02 (26:05):
Oh, and a drink.
Jesus.
All right.
Bye.
One, two, three, no.
SPEAKER_02 (00:02):
And you can say nothing nice.
No.
One thing I'm not gonna do israise a whole bunch of bratty
kids that go into a whole bunchof bratty adults.
And what I thought I was gonnaget rid of at 18, turn into soul
core.
Let me have 40 for the same typeof thing.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Creating those boundaries and saying no, it'll
have you feeling bad at first.
But then when you realize howmuch self-care it is in saying
no, you start feeling good.
God knows it's not.
SPEAKER_02 (00:37):
Or no, because I got something bad for you better.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
If I tell you I can't come somewhere to leave me
and God going on a date, thereyou go.
So don't take it personal, takeit out with him.
SPEAKER_00 (00:50):
Woman in Black is where we put down the case and
pick up the mic, beingauthentically who we are, where
we are, unmasked, unfiltered,and unapologetic.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03):
Alright, let's do a quick check-in.
How are you?
How are you doing?
Why are you laughing?
SPEAKER_01 (01:11):
Because I'm alright.
You know, got some things goingon right now.
But I'm good.
What about you?
I'm good.
SPEAKER_02 (01:27):
Living?
Living.
Then I said, I'm fine, I'mliving.
I'm surviving.
I'm thriving.
I'm I'm listening I'm living mysoft girl era.
Good.
I don't even care about nothingelse.
It's the boy, I don't even care.
(01:48):
I don't even care.
It's just like what, huh?
SPEAKER_01 (01:53):
Yeah, I wish I couldn't care.
Well, I choose what I careabout.
Me too.
That's better.
But the stuff I want to choosenot to care about, I still got
to care about.
Yeah.
I have two cups today.
I have a cup of water and a cupof sugar.
(02:13):
That's exactly what it is.
That's it.
And that's why I'm I'mdehydrated and all this other
stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What you need is a cup of tea.
That's what you need.
I had tea.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (02:27):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:28):
Flash into your sugar.
SPEAKER_02 (02:30):
And then the other way around.
I got my black tea with umdandelion root in it.
You need that.
Let's see you need the.
I'm trying.
I just be on my journey.
(02:53):
We all got journey.
That's one of my journeys.
Because my body don't becooperating.
So I gotta do more.
I gotta be extra with it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Gotta be disciplined.
SPEAKER_02 (03:06):
Yeah.
So what's our topic for today?
SPEAKER_01 (03:14):
It is.
Saying no, it's okay to say no.
Yeah.
And why it's important to sayno.
You gotta create thoseboundaries.
No.
Right.
I overwhelm myself.
Not on purpose, but because Iwant to show up for everybody.
(03:36):
Yep.
And then I'm trained.
And in the time, I I should,what I should do is when people
invite me places, I should justbe like, oh, let me think about
it first.
Immediately, if y'all if Ialready know I don't have
anything to do.
Or I know I can, even if I knowI can't, I'ma still be like,
(03:58):
okay, I'll be there.
I'll do it.
You see how I just ran those uhcases of water in the house
knowing good and well, my bodycouldn't do that today.
It's still just all right, I'lldo it.
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
Yeah, because I think sometimes we over um
extend ourselves thinking thatwe're being nice, and we done
went over into it ain't so Idon't I won't call it
self-sabotage yet, but justthink of this scenario where
somebody's you ask somebody ifthey need something and they say
no, and you like, are you sure?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Take that no and run and just go, right?
Yes, that's what I have to do.
Yes, so no, yeah, they they areokay, cool, but I'm just so
over, it's it's just me.
It's just me always wanting tomake sure everybody is okay, and
I read something that people whoovershare or who always want to
(04:58):
show up for people, they do itbecause people haven't like they
feel like they're filling a voidof when times when people just
weren't there for them or whenthey needed people.
I've always had a village,right?
But the times that I neededpeople the most, nobody knew
that I needed them.
(05:18):
And whose fault is that?
SPEAKER_02 (05:20):
Mine.
You and the only reason why Iask that is like I'm definitely
a person who have done more, butI have to always like check
myself in it and ask myselfthose questions because they're
not putting me in that position.
I'm putting me in that position.
Yeah, and I'm like, Dez, you'renot showing up for you.
That's not their fault.
(05:41):
Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
And it's hard, it's a hard lesson to learn.
So I had to learn that.
No, and then one time, it's likeit's so hard because I'm an I'm
an empath, like I have so muchempathy to a uh to an extent,
right?
Especially, okay, especiallybecause I am let's throw this
out here.
This is one thing y'all couldget to know about me.
(06:04):
I'm friendly, but I'm not nice,right?
So I can engage in aconversation with anybody, I can
make you feel really nice andjust be friendly, but I'm only
nice, like really nice to mypeople.
Right.
Like, I'm overly like those aremy people, I'm territorial.
(06:24):
So I never want anyone to lackanything.
If we're all attached, like I'mgonna try to find a way to make
your situation better.
Like, that's just me.
But one time I found myself umjust checking up on other
people, and um someone neededsome food, right?
(06:47):
So this person didn't need food,but I felt bad because like he
needed me, right?
So I could never say no.
So here I am ordering all thisfood to send to the next state.
Turn around in my pantry afterliterally texting, like the food
(07:08):
got delivered.
Did you get it?
Turn around in my pantry, mindyou, I have boys.
Me, my boy, me and my boy, justit's just me and my boys at
home.
Turn around in my pantry, and Ihaven't even gone grocery
shopping for myself.
No food in there for my for meand my kids, but because I could
not say no, you know what Imean?
(07:29):
But it just took from it, kindof like it, not even kind of, it
did.
It took from their mouths tofeed somebody else who is
capable of doing for themselves,versus my boys are still kids,
so they depend, they dependdepend.
They depend solely on me to get,you know what I mean, to supply
(07:51):
their needs.
But that made me realize likeJosh, you gotta say no.
Yeah, you gotta say no.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
I think it took me some time to learn as well.
I'm not gonna act like I justlike I still have time to wear
art, but I'm I'm probably I'mprobably not as bad as you are,
because I I would say no, orI'll be like, I'm not sure if I
could do that, or you know,trying to find better ways of
saying it so I don't feel bad,but I my brain is telling me,
(08:21):
well, that don't feel bad forprioritizing yourself, and so I
think that's where I no longerlook to people for my
validation.
I know we've said things likethat in the past, like people be
running to internet validationstuff, yeah.
But um, I don't look to peoplefor validation anymore.
Like I know who I am, I don'tneed to hand clap, I don't need
(08:42):
to not saying that's why you didthat, I want to be clear.
I don't need to hand clap, but Ithink those are some of the
reasons why um I showed up forpeople in the past.
I showed up for for them in thepast, one to make them feel
good, but because it made mefeel good.
And I understand that God canuse me to uh show show the world
who he is, and sometimes I don'tknow where that boundary stops,
(09:07):
but I also know that God wantsme to prioritize him in my life,
not just showing other peoplehim.
And I think that's where theconfusion used to like overwhelm
me.
I didn't see it as confusion,but once you start having
children, once you start thesethings and you you do that and
you look at your parents andyou're like, did I just and
(09:29):
that's the realization, like,yes, my cup will overflow, but
I'm not just gonna pour my cupinto yours, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:36):
Right, and then you realize, right?
I'm constantly giving yes, yes.
And and listen, the yeses do notmean financial yeses all the
time.
You know what I mean?
Like, it could be anythingbecause you can be drained just
from always giving somebodyadvice all the time, always
being a burden dumper where theydump their burdens on you, and
(09:58):
then you just constantly pouringinto them.
So I had to learn that part too.
Like, no, I can't, I can't pourinto you right now.
I can't, I can't do it.
Like, I am currently, I think wesaid this in a few episodes
prior, like in my selfishseason, where I have to say, I
literally have to say no.
(10:19):
Right, like literally have tosay no, even with my kids,
right?
So, because I raise my kids bymyself, and my most of my kids,
they have um, all of theirfriends are like two-parent
households.
So I always go up super aboveand beyond to make sure my kids
don't ever feel like they'relacking anything because such
(10:42):
and such mom and dad did this,and such and such mom and dad
did this, so it's like I gottado it.
But here lately, no, and it'salways Tyler, like it's always
Tyler.
He always gets me like feelinglike, oh my god, now I gotta go
three times harder because hisfriends are no, no, Tyler.
(11:03):
I love you.
No, it's always Tyler, it'salways what it's always Tyler.
He could get me every time tofeel so bad, like, oh, I gotta
do this extra because he onlyhas me.
SPEAKER_02 (11:15):
And it's so crazy because like I now I see it from
both sides, right?
Having been a single mom andthen having been married, and
I'm so much practicing no withthese kids, and I think that
from the single mom perspective,sometimes we feel like we gotta
fill that void and we want toshow up the best, we want them
(11:36):
to feel like they're not lackinganything.
But on the other end, from themarriage perspective, I sit here
like y'all not about to beentitled.
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
No, you're not gonna get an exact no, no, no, and so
it's like almost not that allsingle parents and all married
parents do this, but sometimesyou see that as a single bob,
you you doing things that themarried parents ain't even
doing, and you out here pickingup two extra jobs just to make
(12:04):
sure.
Mind you, you already make goodmoney, but you gotta go get a
whole nother job just to makesure.
SPEAKER_02 (12:10):
No, like I'm about to stress myself out behind.
SPEAKER_01 (12:13):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Like go outside, go outside.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
No, leave me a girl.
It's just I don't, and thenhonestly, no, it's hard for me.
For for me to hear people tellme no.
Oh, yeah.
That's like what kind of what'sthat a foreign language?
Like, what do you mean no?
Like, that's okay, and thatmight be come because like I'm
the youngest again.
(12:36):
Um you know what I mean?
I'm the only girl, so it's like,no, what is no?
That is disgusting.
You want me to go back upstairsand try this again?
Like, that's nasty.
No, I used to have a hard timewith that.
No, that's crazy.
(12:56):
Mo could mean like not rightnow, yeah.
But no, no, I don't want to hearthat.
Do it now.
I asked you right now.
Give it to me now.
Okay, DJ.
Yeah, yeah, that's me now.
Right now.
How are you gonna get over that?
No, I no, that was me.
I'm sorry.
That was me.
I'm over it.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
But you know, for the most part, that probably
brings balance to yourpersonality though, because it
also makes you a go-getter.
Like, okay, you said no, well,let me go here because I ain't
accepting enough.
SPEAKER_01 (13:27):
Yes, because I did that.
Like, I did that before, like,um when I was dating somebody
and they basically basicallylike, oh, I I can't do that.
Oh, okay, you can't, I'm gonnado it.
Bye.
Hello, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (13:47):
Okay, okay, let's unpack that real quick.
SPEAKER_01 (13:50):
Yeah, bye.
I don't wanna unpack it, unpackit too much.
Share a piece, as but no bye.
SPEAKER_02 (13:57):
No bye.
I think that's okay to saysometimes if you have your
expectations of people and whatyou need in a man and stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (14:06):
Because the background of that is if you're
not gonna do it, don't complainabout it.
SPEAKER_02 (14:13):
It was it a reasonable thing, yes.
Okay, that's all I need to know.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
Yes, isn't it always reasonable with me?
SPEAKER_02 (14:21):
Oh, geez.
So you might have a differentdefinition of reasonable, I'm
finding it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:25):
No, it was reasonable.
Okay, let's do it.
It was reasonable.
Next topic.
No, it was reasonable, but no, II don't know.
I just couldn't take no.
But what's some of the no's thatyou guys need to create for
yourselves?
Like, because creating thoseboundaries and saying no, it'll
have you feeling bad at first,but then when you realize how
(14:49):
much self-care it is in sayingno, you start feeling good,
yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:55):
Even in these kids too, like, so one thing I'm not
gonna do is raise a whole bunchof bratty kids that grow into a
whole bunch of bratty adults,and what I thought I was gonna
get rid of at 18, turn intosomeone called let me at 40 for
the same type of thing.
I'm not doing that, right?
(15:16):
I know parenting is a lifelongthing, I get that, but I need to
be, I need for my kids to becomehealthy adults.
So what I'm working on is noteven just saying no to them, but
also saying no to me and theexpectations as a parent to say,
I don't gotta do all thatbecause I'll be doing all of
(15:37):
that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
Yes.
So I just recently had to say noto throw in a big birthday
party, right?
Because why?
My these boys are just as simpleas just for example, after I
said I wasn't gonna do the bigshebang for Jace, I said, Oh,
I'm gonna take him to theAmerican Dream um water park.
(15:59):
And then I stopped, I said, no,asked Jace what he wants to do.
This boy said he wanna go toDavid Buster's perfect busters,
it is Jace in Roblox, right?
That's and here I am ready tospin a fortune.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
Yeah, and I listen, because I learned that for
Christmas.
I might as well just wrap upboxes for them.
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
DJ will make his own car track, he's been done no for
real, because we end up spendingall this money every year,
right?
And they play with things fortwo, three days, and we get the
big stuff, and it's not for theycould these kids could care
less.
But it's us.
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
Let me tell you.
It's us what I did this pastChristmas.
I left them open like threegifts apiece, and I hid all the
rest of them in the closet.
They've been asking for themgifts all year.
I ain't gonna lie.
I probably left them get likeone out of them.
Guess what's gonna happen withthem gifts?
They're gonna back under thetree this year.
(17:06):
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Cause why?
And then their birthdays inMarch.
Right.
They got the same, but we boughtthem for Christmas.
They godparents bought them inMarch.
Or in March for their birthdays.
Or or grandparents, and I likeliterally the same toy.
I said, I'm not doing this nomore.
Is it too late to take it back?
(17:27):
Well, I had already threw outthe oh, okay.
I was gonna say it triggeredsomething in my head.
It was a lot of, it was a lot ofthe same gifts.
So it triggered something in myhead where I was like, okay, I
see.
First of all, when that doeshappen, my husband's very, he's
(17:48):
very smart, he's logical.
So I can't even take credit.
SPEAKER_01 (17:56):
Got you back for that uh picture you posted on
Instagram.
He was waiting for your moment.
SPEAKER_02 (18:03):
I am gotta tell him to watch this gotta.
She got you, buddy.
I can't say nothing.
But uh he he actually I can'teven take credit for putting the
gifts in the closet.
I think I was the onecomplaining about it, but he the
one who actually was like, Oh, Ican solve this.
SPEAKER_01 (18:26):
That's smart, yeah.
Because we just do too much, butno is really self-care, yeah.
It really is self-care, and I'mgetting over it with um my kids.
I can say that, but my biggestno is um being invited places
like I have to create those noboundaries, like no, I'm sorry,
(18:49):
I'm gonna have to sit this oneout.
You know, like I have Iliterally have to because for
when I be drained, I'm a wholesports mom.
Yeah, I'm a robotics mom now,too.
Kids starting to work, like I ama superwoman, so sometimes the
cape really needs to come off,and I don't want to do anything.
(19:13):
Anything.
Like I can't, and then also Ihave to say no when it comes to
being invited places where it'snot my crowd.
Because do you know how muchstress that puts on you?
That you're just sittingsomewhere uncomfortable when
it's not your crowd of people,right?
(19:35):
Like, you know what I mean?
And it's okay to say no.
And if and at our grown ages, ifyour friends don't understand
that you're not comfortable orthat you cannot attend or show
up at for one particular event,if they get mad and can't
understand that, that might be athem problem.
SPEAKER_02 (19:52):
Yeah, because I I I'm quick to be like, I just
can't, I can't.
I I yeah, she do.
I can't like if I can't, I justcan't.
Like I I don't even have anyother words for them, and
they'll know exactly what I'mtalking about.
Either I can't, I can't either Idon't want to hang out with
them, or I'm tired and I needtime to myself.
(20:14):
I don't know if it's likebecause technically I'm an
extrovert.
That's that's what the thingssay, the personality
assessments.
But I need I'm drainedthroughout the week, so I need
time to replenish.
Rest is so important.
It is I didn't realize it.
(20:35):
We cannot be who we're supposedto be if we don't take time to
rest.
And I learned out the hard waybecause God said, I'm gonna sit
you down.
You wanna sit down?
I'm gonna sit you down.
SPEAKER_01 (20:45):
Yes, and that's the thing, right?
This just this just came to me,right?
I make time for everybody.
You invite me somewhere, I'mcoming, I'm doing this.
But do I make that same time forGod?
That's more, and that's moreimportant to me right now.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's so much moreimportant to me.
(21:06):
Like just reading my word andjournaling and just listening,
just thinking.
Meditating on God, yes.
So, my no, if I tell you I can'tcome somewhere, that means me
and God going on a date.
There you go.
So don't take it personal, takeit out with him.
SPEAKER_02 (21:27):
But that's so prophetic because you gotta say
no, almost have to say no tosomething to say yes to him.
Yeah, you have to be able to doit.
SPEAKER_01 (21:38):
In order to really accept that yes, exactly, you
have to say no to something.
Absolutely, because here it is.
If I can't, if I can't say nonow, right?
Knowing that God is elevatingme, he wants to make sure that
when I get to where to this nextlevel, I'm able to say no.
So these little things that heis trying to test me on, and I'm
(22:00):
not saying no, like this reallymight be test from God.
Like, let me see what she'sgonna do.
Knowing she can't, knowing shejust needs to sit down
somewhere, let me see.
Because that's twofold.
SPEAKER_02 (22:12):
Like, if you think about where God's about to bring
you, they can't go.
Exactly.
That's one.
Yep.
And then two is when you thinkabout where God's about to bring
you, you can't be goingbackwards.
Exactly.
I ain't gonna say down, but youcan't be going backwards.
Like, you really have to allowGod, we have to allow God's
(22:36):
space in our life to show up,and we have to be obedient when
he tells us no.
Because what just imagine sayingno to something really could
give opportunity for somethingelse.
That's why before I met myhusband, I was saying no.
SPEAKER_01 (22:59):
No, you wanna go into no, but also but that's a
part of my personality ofentertaining.
Like I like to entertain, right?
Oh so that's me, like you knowwhat I mean?
Like I like to entertain, butwhat I realized is I like to
entertain at my house.
Like, I don't wanna be out witheverybody else, but I still just
(23:22):
feel like okay, I'll come.
And here I am.
Exit my friends.
Why did I say yes?
I can't do it.
So y'all pray for me in apositive way, and because if
you're gonna try to prayanything negative, weapons may
form, but they will not prosper.
(23:44):
In Jesus' name.
In the name of Jesus.
So yes, I have to work on that.
Right.
So what you gonna leave thepeople with when it comes to
it's okay to say no.
Set those boundaries becauselike we said, that no for the
physical form might elevateelevate you to your yes with
(24:06):
God.
So say no, create thoseboundaries, say no.
It's hard, but once you get in aroutine, and I'm preaching to
the choir, once you get in aroutine, you be alright,
especially with them kids.
No, Tyler.
Tyler Tyler's called Tyler theone.
You get me every week.
SPEAKER_02 (24:26):
It's always one.
I'ma leave y'all with just setthose healthy boundaries.
You need healthy boundaries, youneed time, you need to practice
saying no, first of all.
Just practice saying no.
SPEAKER_01 (24:40):
Let's say it just ready.
One, two, three.
No, and you can say no nice, no,not this week.
You can say the Destiny Childsaid no, Megar Trainer said no.
A lot of people said no.
Yeah, simple as that.
And God's no is not, no, it'snot right now.
SPEAKER_02 (25:02):
Yeah, or or no, because I got something better
for better, yeah.
We want the better, we wantwhat's for us.
SPEAKER_01 (25:09):
That's what I want, exactly.
What God has.
I don't have anything right now.
SPEAKER_02 (25:16):
Sing alone, but I'm here for Jesus, that song got me
through so much.
All right, we gotta, we gottago.
SPEAKER_01 (25:25):
All right, don't forget to buy us a coffee
because and buy me a real coffeebecause let me show you how to
sugar.
So buy me some tea.
SPEAKER_02 (25:41):
Listen, we'll put the link down in the
description.
Buy us a drink of water.
SPEAKER_01 (25:47):
Water.
I like I like green tea.
And it's not a week where I needa real strong drink.
Um yeah, some water is fine, adash of lemon, cucumber, mint, a
piece of mint.
SPEAKER_02 (26:05):
Oh, and a drink.
Jesus.
All right.
Bye.
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