Ep 11: Unhinged Texts & Unapologetic Living

Grace and Vikki are back with unhinged texts, hatfishing horror stories, and dating chaos galore. From “man meat” DMs to fist bumps after sex—nothing is off-limits. Laugh, cringe, and rate us 5 stars!

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
So welcome back. Welcome back to episode 11 of
Your Secret Safe with a I'm herewith My bestie For the restie,
Take it away, Vicki. Vicki Vicki, what a name girl.
We have not recorded in like what feels like 2 months.

(00:23):
It literally it feels so long and you've been posting clips
from last episode and I was like, I don't even know who I
was talking about. Like I literally had a guy
message me and he was like, was this about me?
And I was like, no, I met you a week ago.
We recorded like a month ago said something about you.

(00:44):
I was like, sorry you're not special but life update.
So last episode I talked about seeing a bartender.
I've been sworn to secrecy. It didn't work out.
He went to rehab. It wasn't my fault.
It. Wasn't he?

(01:04):
He tried to blame you a little bit.
He tried to blame me a little bit.
It wasn't my fault he went to rehab.
We're just going to leave it at that.
So now I'm not seeing him anymore.
If anyone is surprised, let me know.
Like thumbs up. The funniest part about that is
in the episode me and Elena werelike, yeah, OK, we'll see you
like in a month if you're still together.

(01:26):
And then to be recorded that episode beginning of May.
And then we posted it the end ofMay.
And literally I think a few daysbefore I post the episode, you
guys had ended things or the week before.
And I was like, call. No, he was like, I'll message
you when I get out. And I was like, OK, my God, I
was about to say, please don't. No, he's a really cool person.

(01:50):
I hope that his recovery goes well.
But you remember that I like kind of gas lit him.
And I was like, you literally just made-up going to rehab to
get away from me. And this motherfucker was like,
here's the proof. And it's like his intake
paperwork. So now I'm just like a big ass
fucking bitch for like questioning this.

(02:11):
I mean I would question it too because I feel like you can
easily fake going to rehab by just like not talking to someone
or deleting your social media but really you're off doing
other fuck ass things. I mean, like, I wouldn't have
cared. Like just say that if you're not
into me. But you know, rehab's a pretty
good excuse since that time yourgirl is back on her casual
ritual of whoever is around and states, yeah, dating's not for

(02:37):
me. So I'm going to do the casual
thing until I find someone who is maybe worth a damn.
But I am coming up on my one year living in Nashville.
So I'm not committed to a man, but I have committed one year to
living in Nashville on July 3rd.I cannot believe you made it.
Next Thursday. Next Thursday, I took the day
off of work. I'm going to have like a little

(02:59):
Me day to celebrate my one year in Nashville and my longest
relationship since my divorce. Cheers, cheers.
To me and Nashville. So that's who I'm in a
relationship. Yep, that's who I'm in a
relationship with now is Nashville.
And yeah, I'm like, men suck yetagain.
Here we go. I'm just gonna keep hanging out

(03:21):
with with random guys and we'll see what happens.
But your girl's not falling in love anymore.
Love is for the week, so you remember.
Welcome to my side. Love is for the week.
You all remember the first 10 episodes where I said that I'm a
lover through and through. Your girl is tired, Your girl is
tired. I could not do it.

(03:44):
Like I'm literally about to go on Love Island and start
twerking like Huda. I don't watch Love Island, but
I'm about to start because everyone just keeps talking
about this season and how insaneHooda is.
And apparently there's a girl that's like 21 on the show, but
she's had so much work done thatshe looks like she's 35.
Like we look younger than she does, which is that's like

(04:06):
crazy. Who's Trump's blonde assistant
lady that's literally 25 and looks like she's 40?
Oh, KKK Caroline. Yeah.
Just like that. No, when I found out she was 27
I was like oh girl, put some sunscreen.
On well, no, there was literallythis TikTok and she's like

(04:26):
getting her makeup done and all the comments are like not a day
over 50 and I'm like fuck. I'm like fuck.
I'm like, dear God, which I was like, I was like, damn, they're
really hating on this old lady. And then when I searched who she
was and realized she was like somewhere between 25 and 27, I
was like damn. It provides.

(04:47):
Plastic surgery too young does. Yes.
They're like, oh, it's preventative Botox.
I'm like preventing you from looking your age and looking
younger. But it reminds me of that scene
from Freaky Friday where the momor with and the daughter is in
the moms, but she's in here. Freaky Friday is an iconic

(05:11):
movie. For coming out with the second
one. OK, well, I hope it doesn't ruin
it for me. I think I'll still like it.
Jamie Lee Curtis, Lindsay Lohan Freaky Friday, They iconic.
They're bringing back all of thethe OG characters too.
Damn. Like Chad Michael Murray, God,
he was so hot in that movie. I'm like Todd Michael Murray.
I'm like, see, I'm not really into blondes, but for Todd

(05:33):
Michael Murray. I would be well, I.
Guess. No, I mean, he's kind of
blondish. Yeah, your man's kind of like
dirty blonde. Anyway, so life update.
I'm single, violently single. I've flipped sides.
I'm no longer interested in being anybody's lover and I'm
going to die alone having great sex so.

(05:56):
You know. You know, it doesn't sound that
bad I. Was going to say it really
honestly doesn't sound that bad.Like going out, having great
orgasms with your dogs. I mean like.
Yeah, beastiality is dead. We talked about this in episode
1, that beastiality is dead. It's like a reoccurring theme,

(06:16):
like somehow it's always broughtup in almost every single
episode. And I don't know how I do it.
But what I meant is men giving you great orgasms and your dogs
as your companions for your life.
I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know, people, people.
I'm like men that stay over keeptrying to pull Zeus out of the

(06:38):
bed or they're like, they don't want him under the covers.
And I'm like, that's a red flag.Yeah, if you don't like that,
then you can go sleep in your own house.
Get out, right? But I'm like, actually come here
and hold me because like, Zeus sometimes stabs me with those
little pointy feet. But still not a lover.
At this point, I'm over it. If love finds me, it finds me.

(07:00):
But I think I'm just going to, you know, focus on work.
Be a skinny hot bitch. Hell yeah.
And continue to fuck the haters.Y'all need to stop tanking our
reviews on our fucking Spotify. To all the haters, get a life.
It's been a year, get over it. I'm sure today's video I posted

(07:26):
for us probably didn't help, so I was.
Like yeah, Oh my exes are ugly. Too.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying I'mthe prettiest, but.
I'm sure someone finds me ugly, but no, I'm not going to say
that. I'm going to say it to you and
then I'm going. To delete this, well, I mean, he
has an excuse, but yeah, a lot of these men don't.

(07:50):
Right OK my life update. I spent the month of May with
Mr. WI, met his kid, it went really well and all that good
stuff. My sister just got married like
2 weeks ago so my entire family came to Blacksburg and we all
stayed at my parents house. So like 27 of us stayed at my

(08:10):
parents house if you. I'm like, for those that don't
know, I'm like, Grace is the middle child of 11.
Like the ultimate middle child syndrome.
Yeah, and we have 1314 grandkidsand four significant others now.
It's just it's a lot. So there was like 27 people just

(08:31):
running around screaming at all times.
And in my room, all of my niecesslept with me, like on air
mattresses and stuff. And it would be like 11:00 PM.
And I'm like, OK, it's time to go to bed.
And then they'd be like, giggling to each other.
And I'm like, I don't want to ruin this core memory for them,
but I'm tired. Auntie Grace wants to go to bed.

(08:55):
Aw. I'm like, that's so cute.
And I told you that I, like, hadthat emotional moment where I
went and I got my nails done andit happened to be Father's Day
weekend. And, like, I do not have daddy
issues. I'm just gonna clarify right now
that, like, my parents are together.
Like, my father and I have a fine relationship.

(09:16):
Are we the closest? No, whatever.
But I saw these, like, adorable little girls.
Their father brought them into the nail salon.
And I'm, like, getting my manicure.
And they're like, so excited andlike picking out their colors
and like, I kid you not, I was like holding in tears at the
nail salon because it was such awholesome moment.

(09:38):
And they seemed so happy. And I texted my father Happy
Father's Day. And I got a thanks with a
period. And I was like, you know, Happy
Father's Day. I love you so much.
I miss you so much. And then I got that response.
And then I saw these cute littlegirls and like their dad taking
them out. And I literally sobbed, like,
sobbed like, yeah, I just. That was one of those moments.

(10:02):
I was like, damn, I must be fucking pregnant.
I'm not, I'm not. But real ones know that I always
keep pregnancy tests and Plan B in my apartment at all times.
I am I'm supposed to start my period this week or next week
but I watch this TikTok story and this girl was talking about
how she got pregnant with an IUDbut she had a copper one.

(10:26):
And then a bunch of people in the comments were like, that's
actually people with IU D's who got pregnant.
It's usually the copper one because it's not hormonal.
I'm like, that's my biggest fucking fear is getting pregnant
with my IUD. And like, I want it taken out
because I want to like let my hormones reset themselves, but I
don't want to be pregnant. And so I need Mr. W to hurry up

(10:48):
and get this motherfucking vasectomy.
Yeah, and like he needs to get snipped.
I'm like, what's, what are we waiting on?
I'm just being lazy and not making an appointment.
Typical. Like Speaking of lazy men.
So our episode today, our episode today, we figured we
would start out by reading some unhinged text messages.

(11:13):
So some of these came from our listeners, some of them came
from our personal lives. We're not going to give you any
context or explanation as to what these messages were about.
As always, no names. We're just going to read them
and hopefully you get a laugh from it.
So this friend and I, I was telling her about this guy I was

(11:35):
seeing last summer and we were in the pool and I like had sent
these text messages and she was like, like they were kind of
comical reading them back. And she narrated them like for a
group of people in the pool. She was like, I'm going to read
these messages out loud, like narrating them without like any
context. And it was funny as shit.

(11:58):
I was like, it was a little embarrassing some of the things
I said and if I can find these messages, it was a good one.
Something about him having bad style and which.
Does have bad style? He does.
He wears long shorts. He wears long cargo shorts.
Correct. I was like, what are we Like
this is so Gen. X of you.

(12:18):
He's like stuck in that like I'mso pimpin early 2000s God swag
swag like Soulja Boy vibes. Yes, anyway.
Or go first. I'm trying to hunt.
I'm on a hunt, Mama prowl. OK, wow.
This is from one of our listeners and this guy texted

(12:40):
them and said Sup Sup. They go, who is this?
The man goes your next piece of meat, man meat.
The listener goes, well, all of a sudden I'm a vegetarian.
It's giving three O 3. Tell your boyfriend I'm not a
vegetarian and I wait. What is it the beef part?

(13:04):
It's like I'm a I'm not fucking scared of him.
What is it? It's three O 3.
Is that the band? Yeah, it's remember because
it's. Shut.
You got beef, but I'm a vegetarian.
I You're welcome. We would have.

(13:25):
We would have gotten it. Don't trust me by 303.
Yeah. Because like, I'm pretty sure
that's also the song where it's like, shush, girl, shut your
lips, dude. Yeah.
What? A song honestly like that was
such an era. Iconic.
OK, you read a text. This one's from a listener.

(13:52):
So she sends this guy a screenshot of her saved contact
name for him. It's like his name Afterwards it
says kind of creepy. And she's like, here's your
contact. And he's like, oof, am I kind of
creepy? She's like, yes, he said.
Why hair smelling gave stalker vibes, the persistence and

(14:13):
asking for individual photos. He said.
I was kissing kidding. First off, I don't even like
hair. Oh, I don't like that.
Like doesn't that give you like chills?
Like chills? That is giving Hannibal Lecter
like, let me, let me wear your face.
Yeah, she blocked him. Wise girl.

(14:35):
Oh, she should Queen. Yep, Yep, Yep.
OK, another listener one the steward texted her and said come
bounce on the stick. She said Sir I could do no such
thing I'm packing right now. And he said OMG and she sent
back the gun emoji to like. I love that one.

(15:06):
That one's good, That one's funny.
OK, here's another one from a listener.
She met this random guy out at the bar.
They exchanged numbers. The time stamp is important
here. At 11:30 he sends her come over.
At 1:30 he sends her come over. She responds at 7:50 the next

(15:28):
morning. Who is this?
He's like it's XYVI. Want a link?
Busy. At 7:00 AM.
Busy and he's like fuck. OK, this, this one was right
after the Trump assassination attempt, this person said Trump

(15:51):
getting shot at reminded me of how I need to be shooting my
shot at you. What you doing, baby?
The listener said. This is one of those rare
moments where I'm speechless, not using the assassination of
Trump Well, the failed assassination.

(16:11):
As a pick up line. As a pick up line which I mean.
I mean, good game, that's all I must say.
Good game. Thank you for coming.
Let's see. Let's see.
Let's see. OK, from another listener.
Oh God, when you start cackling like that, I'm like, good.

(16:34):
Roof inside. This is talking about being at
the bar. Yes, well now the bar outside
I'm in the brown coat, black jacket at the bar.
Question mark, is this her girl?Stop sharing location, he

(16:54):
responds. Sorry if I didn't look good
enough. Let.
Them. See the dude?
And then was like Nope. Yeah, basically this girl, like
she had messaged this like, Hinge date to come, like meet
her out of the bar or whatever. He told her what he was wearing.
She saw him and immediately was like OK I gotta stop sharing my

(17:19):
location and like dipped from the bar and he was like I guess
I didn't look good enough. OK that reminds me I did that a
few years ago when I was single.I was messaging this dude on him
and he hat fished me first of all and second of all pictures
did not look like him. So I'm out at the bar and he had

(17:41):
been like asking me what I was doing and I was like I'm just
not going to respond. So then I'm out of the bar with
my friend and we see this other person that she's friends with
and so him and his friends are walking over and the friend like
looks at me and he's like oh heywhat's up And I was like it was
the. Dude.
Because the first second I was like, hi, like I don't fucking

(18:01):
know you. And then it clicked.
This man was bald as fuck. Like he had like a a fucking
cul-de-sac and looked nothing like his photos.
And I was like. Who the fuck are you?
I got a hatfish so hard the other day.
Like so hard the other day. It's so tough.

(18:21):
No, well, it's just like this was like a real hatfish that
like, OK, picture a hockey player.
Hockey player sometimes have long hair, whatever.
So all the photos I've seen of this person, he's wearing a hat.
I see the long hair coming out the back hat off it was giving.
What's that character from Seinfeld?

(18:43):
That looks kind of creepy, Kramer.
The one with like it was like. Harry, Larry, MO, Curly,
whatever. Like bald at the top, but like,
and I was like, like that boy just cut it off.
It was so bad. I was like, this is the ultimate

(19:05):
hatfish. The fact that he catches a long
ass hair that's. So gross.
I was like, can we have sex withthe hat on?
I was like doggy only, doggy only.
Like 'cause at first I was on top and I was like, all I see is
the fact that. Like, oh.
My God at that point dude wear like a toupee or a wig or.

(19:27):
Cut the rest of your hair off like don't like.
Yeah, you just got to shave it off.
Which I'm like, honestly, he looked really hot.
Like with the hat on and the long hair.
I was like, OK, I was like, so if things ever get serious with
this person, like am I willing to marry someone?
And a baseball cap. It's not going to get serious,

(19:50):
but. That's funny as fuck.
He had a really nice view from his apartment though, so kudos
to that. Oh he didn't have a loser ass
apartment? I mean, it was a loser ass
apartment. It was still like a studio.
He's like 28 or whatever, but atleast it was downtown.
It had like big windows and pretty view.
Like, OK, now I'm just being judgmental.

(20:13):
It's not a loser ass apartment. It doesn't.
It doesn't have a Murphy bed like that other guy.
Oh my God. OK, this one is the person
texted. What's your addie?
The listener said. Why?
The person said, am I allowed tocome?
And the listener said, you realized I left alone on

(20:34):
purpose, right? Why would you come when I didn't
watch? You too?
Hell yeah. Be mean.
Damn some of these bitches are cold hearted.
Yes, I. Should.
I literally did Google the otherday.
Like how to say you're not interested?

(21:00):
Like mainly or nicely or in a corporate I.
Don't want to no, I don't want to be mean.
I just have a hard time like turning men down.
Like I've been going on actual dates and I've like made out
with a couple guys and I was like, you know, like it's
definitely friend zone. Like we had good conversation
like whatever, but I'm just like, how do I tell them I don't
want to kiss them? Like please someone tell me I

(21:25):
was like. Do you remember the Jenna
Marbles video that made her famous when she was like, if a
guy is dancing with you and you don't want him to just do the
face and she's like, and then they'll turn around and she's
like or something, just start doing that.
Well I don't want them to think I'm weird because I'm like we
could maybe be friends but like no one wants to just be your

(21:46):
friend as a girl. Just be like, yo, I'm not
feeling a romantic connection. Oh.
God, that idea is like making mewant to hurl.
You know you owe nothing to these men and if they get mad at
you, that's on them. That's their own fucking issues,
not yours. You know, but you don't want to

(22:07):
disappoint people. You can disappoint people,
especially these fucking crusty,dusty men in Nashville.
Hey, what's next question? Are you open to dating Indian
guys? His Hinge profile picture is his
837 credit score because that's all he apparently has to offer

(22:30):
me. I mean, hell yeah.
I'm like good credit, good credit, don't sweat it.
Was it weird looking? Yes, I feel like I remember this
screenshot. Oh, this wasn't me.

(22:54):
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
OK, this one. The person texted the listener
and said I can't stand you. And the listener texted back and
said the feeling is mutual. OK, did they maybe block each
other? I don't know what to say.

(23:15):
Oh gosh, I'm trying to find thisfucking Hinge message I got the
other day. I think I sent it to you and
Elena. So by the way, I have on my pod
on my podcast, on my Hinge profile that I have a podcast.
I don't say the name of it, but I get questions about it, which
maybe I should read you all my Hinge profile so y'all can be
like what is happening? I get a lot of likes, nothing

(23:40):
long standing of course, but. Say, of course, you get a lot of
likes. OK, well, is this from a
listener? She damned us this one.
And she was, I think she was on Hinge and someone responded to
one of her Hinge Proms and said,damn bitch, do you piss with

(24:01):
that pussy? Did she report him?
Even that is too vulgar for me. Like that is too vulgar for me.
Like I'm offended. But she said that.
That takes a fucking lot for me to feel like uncomfortable I.
Was just like what fucking man in his right mind looks at this

(24:23):
girl is like yes, I'm going to respond to like this hinge
prompt and then types that out and it's like what a great pick
up line she's. Like, Oh yeah.
Better fucking wild on Hinge. This guy sent me this message,
which I was like, it was kind ofnice, but also I'm like bad
judge of character red flag. It's the one where it's like,

(24:47):
you look like a really nice person.
Do you seem like a good person? And I'm like.
Wait, I remember that. Yeah, I think it was to me and
Elena. I can't find it though.
I think I deleted it. I might still have it.
No, you have to find it and you have to read it out loud but
unprovoked. This man liked me on Hinge and

(25:09):
and the messages, he's like, youknow, you're stunningly
beautiful, whatever, gosh, you know, the people that you're not
attracted to give you the best compliments.
Like I'm going to go to the gas station and get complimented
every day. But he's like, you know, you're
beautiful, you're stunning and you seem like a genuinely.
While searching for this text message.

(25:29):
Find one. From my ex it says I thought it
was a good performance. Glad you enjoyed it.
Stop it. This was.
Two years. Ago.
Oh my God. I'm fucking dead.

(25:52):
What about the one that sent youa poem?
OK, you'll have to read the poem, but I found it.
OK, OK, this person sent Vicki apoem and it's with steaks and
sports. You like the way red flags
inside. Let's use the day at Blacksburg
charm and look at the dog park. You use to us a brew at the zoo.

(26:14):
So 2/2 of my friends and their spouses, boyfriends, whatever.
Like we all got tickets to brew at the zoo and I didn't want to
be the fifth wheel. So I posted on my Hinge that I
needed a date to brew at the zooand like people went crazy
crazy. Shout out to the bat cave

(26:37):
podcast. He ended up being my dates.
So now we, you know, make content together.
I guess we took not like that. OK, here, here it is.
You are absolutely stunning and seem like a good person.
I'd love to get to know you. Me to my friends seem like a
good person is wild. Did you just have a crash out

(27:01):
like right before? Literally this is from Elena.
She's like the fact that you're on Hinge.
I was like, haha, girl, what? I said I'm banned from Tinder,
so of course I'm on Hinge. And she's like, I mean, you just
placed some man in rehab. Give it a second.
What's she saying last time? So give that pussy a break.
She needs to breathe. No, I sent a guy to rehab and

(27:29):
then I started hooking up with this guy that actively lives in
rehab. How does?
He get out, is it like a out? He's like, no, he's like done
now. He's just like a counselor.
And I was like, oh, I can come stay with you.
And he's like, not at the rehab center.
You can't. He's probably like, I mean, you

(27:53):
could take an intake form. He's actually really cool and
it's a new name, a name of someone I've never had sex with
before. Oh nice, I'm just going to call
him rehab man. Well, there's two.
Well, no. The first one's bartender, man,

(28:14):
he'll forever be that. To rehab, you go.
This one is hey, what's up? What are you doing?
Cool, I'll be there in 30 minutes.
She checks his location, goes. You're 9 minutes away.
You can be here faster than that.
That's crazy. I when I was living in, when I

(28:38):
was living with Mr. W for May and we'd be meeting somewhere,
he'd be like, OK, like I'll be there at this time or I'll be
like, I'm this close. I'd be like, are you and I could
check his location like a crazy person.
Like in the middle of the day, I'm like, are you really working
from home? No, I'm like, I used to do that

(28:58):
with my ex-husband, but it's because he'd be like, I'll be
home in 20 minutes and then two hours we'll go by and I'm like,
you're not on the way and you'renot dead on the side of the
highway, but you're about to be.Oh Lord, you live and you learn.
You live and you learn, OK, truelife.
All I want in my life is a man that will rub my shoulders

(29:21):
because I have really tight neckright here and like and pop my
back. I'm just like God, I miss it.
Like if there's anything I miss about my ex-husband as he used
to pop my back like 100 times a day and like not in like a oh,
I'm gonna pop her back because we're having good sex.
Like no, this sex was mediocre, but he used to like crack my
spine like a fucking chiropractor and that shit was
good. I, I was sitting on the floor

(29:45):
today trying to crack my own back because my back has been
hurting so bad for the past few days and I have like this Crick
in my neck right here and I'm like.
Not the Crick. A Crick.
I got a Crick on the neck. I was like I need a fucking
massage so bad. I don't think it would help.
Speaking of massages, blast fromthe past.
Y'all remember it was like episode 2 or 3?

(30:07):
Massage man. Massage table man on my Hinge, I
have this video of me taking a shot in.
The prompt is like, don't tell my mom.
And he's like, I didn't tell herabout our night, so I'm not
gonna tell her this. Like I like literally we matched
on Field. So those of you that don't know
what Field is, it's like a dating app for sex freaks.

(30:30):
It's where you go for like threesomes, anonymous hookups,
whatever. I was on this app for a while.
This is where I met Massage Table man, and he found me on
Hinge recently and he's like, oh, I'm not going to tell your
mom. I was like, you realize we've
met before and he's like, yeah. And I didn't tell your mom that
either. And you're like, well, actually

(30:52):
my mom does know because she's listening.
OK, so this text message says the last few weeks have.
So the listener sent this to theperson.
The last few weeks have been some of your best work, the
person said. You can tell after you fist
bumped me after sex. Loli was like that was good I

(31:13):
guess. You ever fist bumped someone
after sex? So I used to fist bump.
I make it transactional like. Don't say it like that, it makes
me sound like a. Prostitute now I did this with
my ex-husband because we had sexso infrequently that I would

(31:36):
like anytime he did like decent.I would be like you know thanks
for your service or like here's your payment.
I would shake his hand like it was like a business transaction.
I'll never forget when we all went to the track together for
some random weekend and I had showered first and I'm laying in

(32:00):
the bed after I'd gotten ready, getting ready, waiting for you
guys to get out of the shower and I'm watching a movie or
something on my phone and I justkeep hearing this clinking.
Noise. I was like I was.
Like what the fuck is that noise?
And then I'm like pausing and I'm listening for it again and I
hear you moan. And I was like, because the

(32:21):
walls were paper thin in the hotel room and I'm like turning
up the TV as loud as possible. I was like, the last thing I
want to hear is Vicky's nipple rings clicking against the
shower and her. Gracious watching.
Burlesque watching. What are we not?
Watching burlesque. I love burlesque.
Any girly nose. We love burlesque, but.
Such a good movie. I'm about to watch it after this

(32:42):
every time you bring it up. I have to watch it.
Watch it. Yeah.
Well, honestly, like I'm so repulsed by the fact that like I
was having sex with my ex-husband, but we were like
happily, I was so reposed by thefact that he.
Even had the audacity to put his.
Penis inside of me, like literally like, like I've done a

(33:03):
lot of nasty shit. And the idea like me thinking
about him, like I had someone onHinge be like, you know, if he
messaged you tomorrow and was like, let's get back together,
what would you say? I was like, I wouldn't respond.
You fucking better not. Oh, are you kidding?

(33:24):
Just making sure. In the grand scheme and in the
grand scheme of Dicks, he is in the bottom 10 to 20%.
I've had some really good ones recently.
I've had some really bad ones, but I've had some really, really
fucking good ones recently that like the girth, the length, but

(33:48):
I'm like, can't date you, can't date you.
It's not. How it always goes, but what's
that one meme it was like I think it was this girl trying to
break this guy or they broke up and he's being mean and she sent
him a text and it was like you're 3 inches felt like 6
because I thought I loved you we.
Talked about this. We talked about this before.

(34:11):
Yeah, we've all been there. I don't know.
I have this. What's the smallest I think I've
ever had? Yikes.
Yikes. She's a cool person.
I see. Here, here we go.
Here we go. Here we go, here we go.
Victoria is having casual sex with people that she's 0
interest in, or making out with people that she has zero

(34:33):
interest in simply because she cannot tell them no.
Bitch, that's like assault. It's the definition of assault.
No, it's not. You don't want to do it do.
You. No.
OK, I'm out of my lover era. Lover era is dead.

(34:53):
Taylor can't come to the phone right now.
She's dead. Yeah.
OK, so pause. I hope as listeners you guys
feel empowered that it's OK to have sex and like sex.
And if you're telling your own story, that doesn't mean you've
lost control of it. Like, sure that we make jokes
about it and it's a coping mechanism, but it doesn't mean

(35:13):
that you're any less of a personbecause of what you enjoy.
And the whole point of your secrets safe with a is about the
secrets and the taboos and the things that people don't talk
about the way I live my life. Many of people live their lives
the same way. They just don't talk about it
because they don't feel that it's socially acceptable.

(35:36):
And it's because of the boomers.Love you mom and.
They don't want to be judged by their friends and family which
is stupid like. Like if they're your friends and
they're your family and they love you and support you, they
won't judge you. And if they're not, if they are
judging you, then they're not the people you need to keep in
your life. And I can guarantee those people

(35:57):
probably are doing freaky shit too, they just don't talk about
it. And so then they're going to
come out even harder with their judgement on to you.
It's the same thing with like the loudest people who are
homophobes are usually homosexual themselves.
Like they have a deep rooted issue of insecurity and loathing
for themselves so they take it out on other people.

(36:18):
Right. And I know a lot of people are
probably going to get pissed offby this, but to me, I find it
liberating. I find it really liberating to
be able to tell my story and do the things I do and still be a
successful career woman and someone who is respected as a
leader. And just because I like having

(36:39):
kinky sex doesn't make me any less of a person because I talk
about it, because I joke about it.
Just because I have mental health struggles doesn't make me
any less so. The point of the podcast is, I
mean full circle moment. It's called your secret safe
with a because nobody wants to talk about the secrets and the
things they do behind closed doors.

(36:59):
Yet we say it here out loud. And guess what?
I still have plenty of friends. I still have plenty of family.
I still have a really great career despite these things I
do. And I've had, we've had so many
people like I understand a lot of people might be like, you
know, this is vulgar or this isn't, you know, something that
you talk about. And it's like, maybe it's not

(37:21):
something you talk about, but maybe it's something you should
talk about. And we have a handful of
listeners that hearing our stories like feel so liberated
and supported and heard. So that's what it's about.
And for those of you that think it's just like, oh, she's some
floozy slut, like whatever, let me live my life.
Let me live my life. We're just living our authentic

(37:44):
lives. Yeah, apparently that's such a
bad thing. And I mean, I know people who
call us their friends definitelytalk shit about this.
I know 100% that you guys do. And I'm here to say find me on
the corner of I don't give a flying.
Fuck. Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep.

(38:09):
So I'm like, thank you to our haters who listen so intently.
Yeah, keep giving us those haternumbers, I'll give a fuck.
Because I know people ask us like, why do we do it?
What do we get out of it? And part of it is just, you
know, Grace and I are long distance best friends.
And every time we get together to film one of these episodes,
it ends up being super therapeutic and it ends up just

(38:32):
being like a friend happy hour ketchup.
But there is meaning behind it. For me, I do marketing in the
real life for my job and you know, it's corporate marketing.
So it's not the funnest. But with this, like I, it's a
creative outlet, A for me and B,it's like a catch up with Vicki

(38:57):
every two weeks, a guaranteed 3 hour yap session of us catching
up and just listening about the stupid shit that we've been
doing or saying or our anxiety of Oh my God, I'm going to get
fired every other day because what millennial does not?
Think of that. Think that they're going to get
fired when their boss just like oh I just want to have to do a

(39:19):
quick chat about this and it's literally nothing.
Literally nothing. But I mean, this is for our
hometown people too. It's for our close friends.
We have a lot of friends who love these stories, who love
remembering these moments, who have those like, Oh my God, I
fucking knew it. But it's like we finally said it
like kind of moments. And I'm really proud of our

(39:43):
following in such a short amountof time.
And I'm really proud of the stuff that we talk about, even
though it's some it's consideredshameful.
I mean, I hope you feel the sameway.
I'm like, we're so thankful. To everyone that listens and
engages on our social media and follows us and was bothering us
for that month hiatus that we had to take.
That was my bad. And be like, where the hell is

(40:05):
episode 10? And I was like, I promise we're
working on it. So here's the thing, if you know
anything. About me and Grace.
So we had to take a hiatus before we posted Episode 10.
And we posted something on Instagram that was like, you
know, we're going through some personal things, whatever.
And like, I got flooded with messages.
I was like, what the fuck is wrong?
Like, what happened? And I'm like, you know what?

(40:26):
For once, it is not about me. It was me.
I was like this. Has nothing to do with.
Me. Yeah.
So I'm going to end with this. I don't.
Have daddy issues? But I was really upset on
Father's Day so I was texting Grace and Elena and I was like
should I message that 62 year old that I sometimes hook up
with? When you said that, I was like,

(40:49):
what? Is that happening?
Yeah, I've been blowing. Him.
Off ever since like he's been messaging me non like we we
didn't hang out like it's been like I think the last time I saw
him was September. They were all I.
Had a threesome with him. With it's her birthday party on
Friday, so I'm like going to herbirthday party because that's
that's how we know each other from fucking the same 62 year

(41:09):
old at. Least she's fun, right?
Yeah, she's really cool. She's down to earth, I mean.
People I'm like casual sex is issuch a thing and like threesomes
and like if you download field it's F EE LD If you download
this app. If you enjoy sex and want to
meet like minded individuals that enjoy sex, you should

(41:30):
download this app. Because the men on Hinge and
Tender. They don't get it, no.
Yeah, I want to pretend to get it, but I'm.
Just like you don't get it. Yeah, because they're all like
frat. Boys who literally only care
about coming and they come in 5 minutes.
Well, I will say. Baldy Mcbalderson with the long

(41:54):
hair. He.
Oh my goodness, I have 12 unreadmessages on Hinge.
He was very giving and I told him beforehand like I was like,
this is going to be a sex thing only if you have a small Dick.

(42:15):
Don't waste my time. He's like, I've never gotten any
complaints and like it's not a bad Dick, but it's not enough
Dick. And I'm like, you know, you're
like 27, Like what do you know about you know?
Oh, I haven't gotten any complaints.
I'm like, what? From your three women you ever
hooked up with. From the 20 year old girls that.
Still don't understand their body yet, right?
I went on a. Date the other night and he was

(42:37):
like, I can't stand those girls that like, want to be like, you
know, good girl. I'm like, yeah, me either.
I fucking can't stand that. Yeah.
Who was like that? Like what?
I was like, how repulsive. He texted me after the date and
he was like, you know, is this like romantic or are we just
friends? I was like just friends.

(42:58):
Spit my mouth and tell me I'm. A good girl.
He's like, I hate women like. That I was like, Oh yeah, same.
Like what a what a hoe. Taking it back to Episode 2, I
was like. Yeah, I would never ask for.
That I mean, once again, they want their.
Fucking little Sarah and Holier,but I'm just like, we're not

(43:18):
like sexually. Compatible, it's easier for me
to say it over text and I got saved when I went On this date
because like I I found out with him a couple times.
Again, friend, good person to hang out with, we have good
vibes, good conversation. He was like, you're very
hypersexual. So I was like, are you not like,

(43:41):
are you like, he's like, every time we hang out, you talk about
sex. And I was like, well, it's
pretty important to me. Yeah.
And like, I'm sorry if it's not important to you, but to me, I
know my body. I know my wants.
I know my needs. Like it's like we were walking
out to the car and he was like, oh, I can take you home.
I was like, no, like I drove myself and my friend Sarah

(44:03):
called me. So I gave like a quick hug and
goodbye. And like within like 10 minutes
he's like, so like, is this for what?
Did he say I was? Like I'm like I need to read it.
He's a cool person like I don't hate him or anything he's done
nothing wrong. We had a good make out sesh and
I Anyway he said out of all our conversation.
Are you interested in dating or just friends?

(44:23):
I said. I think just friends.
I think we're two sexually different.
Totally cool. Sick.
Bro sick breath. Well, I'm like, if you're he's
like I those girls. And I'm just like, Oh yeah,
those girls. And.
I'm not like those females. Yeah.
I'm like, God, I'm like, who would ever ask for that?

(44:46):
Oh my God, I would never. Yeah, but I mean, I just already
know I'm like, we're not going to be sexually compatible.
That's not what you're into. He's like, I'm not a talker
during sex. And I was like, but it's not
going to work out. I don't know, like it's not a
deal breaker. So you can't put this on hinge.
Deal Breakers are like, what's adeal breaker?

(45:08):
Like some people put on here like.
Oh God, the amount of people I match with, I not match with
that I see on Hinge in Nashville.
It's like you shouldn't go out with me if you don't love Jesus.
I was literally about to say a. Deal breaker for me would be
like if they have Jesus in theirbio or if they attend church
every Sunday which nothing wrongwith if you do that is just not

(45:28):
that's not me. Yeah.
I don't know. I matched with this guy.
He like runs a Marina and I was like, OK, I can do the boat
thing. But he like he's he's a good old
country boy. And I was like, you know, maybe
I need that. Maybe.
I don't know. They're not very.
Freaky in the sheets? I don't know.

(45:49):
I don't know. You could try it, see what
happens. I mean, the world is my.
Oyster, she is your clam. Voodoo.
Clams all the way. All right.
Well, thanks for coming back. To your secret safe with a This
is episode 11. I really don't even know what
tonight's episode was about. We have this theme of like,

(46:12):
raunchy, sad, raunchy, sad. We haven't really talked about
sad. I did kind of talk about my
family struggles. Yeah.
I mean in. Last episode we shared a lot of
Adrian stories. Yeah, so I.
Guess this is a raunchy one. Yeah, I would say it's.
Like a good mix between raunchy and sad.
So I I will. Leave you all with this.
I will read something from my Hinge profile just so you guys

(46:36):
know. Anyway.
I have something on my Hinge profile called Unusual skills.
The first one is touching my tongue to my nose.
I knew you were going to say that.
I was like I could guarantee it's her fucking nose trick.
The second one juggling. Having more?

(46:58):
Red flags than you true. I have a podcast, sorry, and
it's. Like the monkey, like hiding his
eyes. And like people respond, they're
like, what's the? Podcast about I'm like, you're
the rabbi, you're the rabbi. Wait, I don't get it.
Nobody wants this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh yes, I. Forgot the sisters.

(47:20):
Have a podcast together. That's right.
Yeah. I was like if if you.
Don't know you're the rabbi. But no one is going to be my
rabbi. Because I'm just going to die
alone. And maybe you should find a
rabbi. So re.
Rehab man used to be a pastor inanother life.
He has two kids. He used to be a pastor and then

(47:43):
he became an alcoholic and, like, his wife divorced him and
now he's in rehab and, like, he's very hot.
But I was like, I was like, do. You believe in Jesus?
He's like, yeah, I'm in like a faith-based rehab program.
And I was like, but he doesn't talk to me about Jesus.
And he also fucks me like a slut.
Like he'll spit in my mouth and call me a good girl.

(48:03):
So I'm like, I'm like, yes, Sir,Pastor, pastor, pastor.
Pastor is where the cows are. Pastor is where Jesus.
Yeah, he was like, I used to be a pastor.
I was. Like good.
Thing it's used to be if you would get down on her knees and.
Pray to him. You you have to cut that.

(48:30):
All right, like follow, subscribe, Spotify, Apple,
YouTube. Buy our hats.
Buy our hats so we can make you sure it's yeah.
Follow us on YouTube. Because sometimes when we post
to Spotify or Apple, we don't post the video.
But if you follow us on YouTube,all of our full length episodes

(48:51):
with the video is up there. So follow us, like subscribe
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updates on our Instagram about things and fun little Q&A's if
you ever want to participate in them because we'd love to hear
your stories, like, yeah, Ellie.Ellie.
Bye.