Episode 5: Healing is Hard, But So is Orgasming on Meds

⚠️ Trigger Warning⚠️: This episode includes discussions about mental health, therapy, medication, suicide and self-harm. Please listen with care, and remember to prioritize your well-being. If you need support, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, therapist or mental health resource.

Ever had a therapy session go so sideways it felt like a sitcom? Or realized your antidepressants are great for your mental health but terrible for your sex drive? In this episode of Your Secret's Safe With A, Grace and Vikki dive into the unexpected (and sometimes hilarious) ways comedy and grief collide.

From therapists ghosting you to the wild ways we cope with mental health struggles, we're getting real about therapy, medication and why there's zero shame in needing help. Plus, we tackle the frustrating reality of SSRIs tanking libido—because, seriously, why can't we be both stable and in the mood?

If you've ever laughed through the pain or wondered why no one warned you about the side effects of healing, this episode is for you. Tune in for unfiltered convos, questionable advice and the reminder that you're never alone in the chaos. 🎙✨

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi everyone. We just want to give a bit of a
trigger warning for episode 5. We talk a lot about mental
health and things that go into that like suicide, sexual
assault, all of that. So if you have issues with that,
please don't listen to this episode or please skip through
those. It's throughout the entire

(00:20):
episode. So we just want you to be safe
and keep your mental health first.
Yes us talking about our mental health is for a coping
mechanism, but also if us talking about our mental health
impacts your mental health, don't listen.
Exactly because. We love you.
We love. You and we want you to be safe

(00:43):
and keep your mental health. Yes, your mental health is so
important to us. Yes, yes, we love you Ili.
Ili. Welcome back to your secret safe
with AI had a friend that was like your secret's safe with a.

(01:06):
With a. With a what I was like with a
the letter A update before we start episode 5.
Is this episode 5? Yeah, Episode 5.
We've been doing this since January.
It is now March 2 episodes a month.
Happy 1st day of March. Anyways life update on the last

(01:30):
episode I talked about how I wasexclusive with a guy and I was
like Oh no but he's not my boyfriend.
Literally the next day he becamemy boyfriend and I fucking.
Called that shit. I said you know he's going to
come down this weekend for the wedding and he's going to
fucking ask you to be his girlfriend.
And I was correct. Yeah, it went from will you be

(01:50):
my girlfriend? And then the next night we were
after, after the wedding and a aday of just like loving each
other and staring into each other's eyes, like dancing on
the dance floor. We went home to go walk my dogs.
And we have this thing we say because we're a little
delusional. Like if we're talking about
something too far in the future,we say put it in the parking

(02:12):
lot. So we were in the parking lot
and he was like, I need to tell you, I love you.
And I was like, I love you too. And then you fucking weirdos
Facetimed me Sunday morning naked in bed, and I was like,
hey, what's going on? And you're like, we're in love
and you guys are like deeply staring into each other's eyes.
And I was like, well, I'm uncomfortable, so I'm gonna go.

(02:35):
No, it's that like intoxicating,addicting love and it's.
Yeah. It's so amazing and I'm so
happy, so I'm officially a girlfriend.
I was with Mr. W this week and I've been like getting mad at
him, 'cause I'm like, we haven'tmade like any plans.

(02:55):
I'm a planner, you're a planner.We love our plans.
And I was telling him I was, I need like, I need you to be
better about this. And he was like, OK, so Thursday
morning we were sitting down at brunch and he was like, pull out
the shared calendar, let's make some plans.
I said OK, so. We will never be Mr.
Spreadsheet. We are.
We are booked out through September.

(03:18):
So that's what I was about to say.
We planned everything until September and Labor Day weekend.
I am moving in with him. I'm going.
To cry, you're going to be even farther away.

(03:39):
I know, I'm sorry, but we talkedabout it because I still have to
meet his kids. So for so for the month of May,
I'm gonna stay there and like hang out with them.
And then for June, we'll come back for my sister's wedding and
July, I'll go up and stay with them and then we're all going on
vacation with my family. This is.

(04:01):
A wild idea 11 if you guys. Not 11, but like a lot of us are
going, we're going up to countryup there and renting like a
giant house. And like he'll have met everyone
by then because we'll have already had my sister's wedding.
And then all of August, I'm going to stay with them up

(04:22):
there. And then I'll come back the
Labor Day weekend. And then like he's going to fly
down and we'll pack up EU Haul and then we I will move up
there. I'm so happy for you.
So happy, so supportive, selfishly sad.
I. Know I.

(04:43):
Know, I know, but you know, we always make the long distance
friendship work. We've done it for years.
Since you've moved to DC. Which was 2015, Yeah.
So we've done it for 10 years. Ten years.
Oh my. Gosh, we're like, we can do long
distance. We've been doing this for 10
years. Literally I I always love those
tik toks and memes. We met like girls and like their

(05:04):
long distance, like best friend and I'm always like.
I know it's like everyone talks about long distance
relationships but they don't talk about the long distance
best friend that. Just sucks, especially when like
Adrian moved to fucking Colorado.
I was like, bitch. Yeah, RIP she.
Had to go do her free bird stuff.
She was free. Colorado was 100% her.

(05:27):
Oh, absolutely. She thrived there.
She loved it. She thrived.
Today we're talking about. Mental health and everything in
between. We ended last week's episode
talking about being a little over sexualized threesomes and a

(05:49):
little bit of me doing crazy sexual things just to feel
something. And it kind of comes from a
place of having poor mental health.
So that's what we're going to talk about today.
Medicated girlies unite. Hell yeah, my Zoloft girlies.
Zoloft girlies out there, We seeyou, We hear you.

(06:11):
Yeah, because if we didn't laugh, we would probably cry.
So Grace and I make light of ourmental health.
We make light of Adrian's death.Like there's literally photos of
us. Grace, you're going to have to
add a photo of us here where we're sitting next to Adrian's
grave and she's in the middle, of course, because of that.

(06:33):
And it's the three of us in order.
So even though she's not with us, we still take pictures with
her. And it's a little comical.
Some people, like everyone, handles grief in different ways.
For me and Grace, making light of it, even if people think it's
a little dark or a little crude,it helps us.
And we do the same thing with our mental health.

(06:54):
It's not because we don't think it's serious.
Mental health concerns are a very real deal.
But talking about it, laughing about it being relatable to
someone that has mental health issues has really helped me
improve my own. Oh, absolutely.
I mean, I always say like my dark humor and laughing through

(07:15):
the pain is like what gets me through the day.
Because if you can't laugh or have like funds, like the wrong
word, but if you can't just likemake light of it, you're just
going to drown, I feel like. And a lot of people probably
think it's crude and crass and like not honoring the dead.

(07:35):
But if you knew Adrian, that's exactly how she would want to.
This is a. 1000% how she would want it to be because she was
our free spirited best friend. And she I, I know she's like, I
mean I don't believe in heaven or hell that's not really a
thing. But I believe that she is out
there somewhere living her best life and maybe she's listening

(07:58):
to the podcast and she's First off like fuck you bitches for
posting all these embarrassing photos of me and 2nd off she's
missing us dearly. Oh absolutely, every time I
think about or when I look at the jumping picture we posted of
her from episode 3 I just laughed so hard because she
needed that photo so fucking much.

(08:19):
I'm like, this is my little likedig for you for dying on us.
Yeah, literally. We're like fuck you, you died,
so we're going to post whatever we want.
Literally fuck her for dying. I love you, but fuck you.
So much but because of her death, this is where Grace and I
are today. I wasn't on medication actually

(08:44):
until after Adrian died. But the majority of my mental
health, like while yes, there were things that came from the
grief and things I had to work through in therapy.
I mean some. Sometimes I like think about
like where we were mentally backin 2020 and it just like is mind

(09:06):
boggling to me how like fucked in the head we were because we
couldn't see straight through our group, through our grief.
Like we only had each other kindof basically because it's hard
for anyone else to understand. I feel like there's a stigma
around like death and grief of it being like, OK, it's been 3

(09:26):
months like it's time for you toget over it.
You know what I mean? And I'm like, no, I'm never
going to get over my best frienddying and.
Anyone who's lost someone close to them and understands grief,
whether it's a family member, a friend, everyone grieves in
their own way. Everyone needs to take their own

(09:47):
time. I know for me, I was very, very
angry when it first happened. Like I've never felt as much
anger as I did when she died. And I had to, you know, remove
her boyfriend from social media.I couldn't, I couldn't look at
it. That's something that therapy
taught to me because I just was like poisoning myself, reading

(10:08):
about ATV accidents, seeing whatwas going on in his life.
And in hindsight, now that I'm out of that anger phase, I know
it was really hard for him to probably be the hardest for
anybody. And.
Because he was grieving in the way that he knew how to.
And right, sometimes I wish likewe still talk to him because I
definitely feel like him and us,we, I felt like we took our

(10:30):
anger and our grief kind of out on each other.
Yeah. Like I've, I don't know, but I
wish we had it. I mean, hindsight's 2020 and we.
Were hindsight is 2020, it's been, I mean that was 2019.
It's been five years. We grow up, we move on.
We don't always get over it, butwe joke about it or we get

(10:52):
medicated. I, I heard something, it was
this girl, she's written books and like she has a podcast and
stuff about like grief because her first husband had like a
disease and he passed away. And then her like dad like
passed away in a tragic accidentand like she just had like a
really hard life. But she always says, like,

(11:14):
people tell you to move on, but you're never going to move on,
but you are going to move forward.
And I always like that. Like, I'm not going to move on,
but I will move forward with my life, you know, because I'm not
going to forget her, clearly. Never, never.
We will never forget her. But let's talk about mental
health and medication. If you've ever been on an SSRI,

(11:37):
let me know how your orgasms are.
Literally. Speaking of.
OK so I was with Mr. W this pastweek and Speaking of medications
and not being able to orgasm, I don't know what the fuck was
wrong with my body this week. You put in orgasm.
No, all of this. I still orgasmed and everything
but like she was being like extra difficult and he was like
that's it, your vagina just fucking hates me.

(11:59):
I was like, no she doesn't. I was like, I don't know what's
wrong with her. And then I was like.
You're like Priscilla, get it together.
No, literally I was like talkingto her in the bathroom.
I was like, what is going on with you?
And I was like, you know, I'm about to just go off my
medication. Fuck it, I'm just going to be
crazy for a while so I can have a good orgasm.
I literally had that conversation with my mom because
I tried a couple different medications and ultimately I

(12:21):
ended on Zoloft. Tried Lexapro, Prozac, whatever
else. Zoloft, which is cetraline.
Sertraline. Sertraline is like the generic
name for it. When I first got on it I was
only on 50 milligrams and I was having the hardest time
orgasming. It didn't matter if it was a

(12:43):
guy, my vibrator. It's like I could get there but
never finish. It is the most frustrating
feeling, but not even like the good edging feeling.
It's like, it's just like Ghost.Away.
No, literally like I was edging myself all week and I was like
I'm going to fucking lose my shit.
No. And I literally said to my mom,

(13:04):
I was like, would I rather kill myself or would I rather have an
orgasm? It's a very hefty debate.
It's a very real debate. No, I absolutely agree with you.
I will say though, when I used to be on Prozac, my libido was
and I was only on like 25 milligrams of Prozac.

(13:26):
Like, my libido was like, significantly lower versus now
that I'm on 50 milligrams of Zoloft because you have to find
a medication that works for you.Every.
It's different. And I remember when I was
weaning myself off of Prozac, myboyfriend at the time, I like,
just did not want to have sex with him because I already knew
I was going to break up with him.

(13:46):
But he didn't know that. And I was like, oh, yeah.
I think it's just like me weaning off my, like, Prozac,
like, my body just feels weird because of it, you know,
whatever. And he was like, OK, yeah,
definitely. In my head.
I said motherfucker, I'm breaking up with you.
Yeah, you're like, I'm going to go home and masturbate for an
hour. I just don't want.
Your Dick? Yeah.
I just don't want you to touch me.

(14:07):
Yeah, so we're talking about medication.
Both Grace and I are on Zoloft. She's only on 50 milligrams.
I'm extra crazy and I take 150 milligrams of Zoloft.
And what it does for me is it levels me out.
It helps my anxiety in 2024, especially after what happened

(14:31):
for which we will never talk about.
Something happened and I was having panic attacks.
I had like had panic attacks in the past.
They never lasted this long. They never were this intense.
And where I drew the line is I had a panic attack in the
bathroom at work one day. And if anyone knows me, you

(14:53):
know, I live and breathe for my job.
I absolutely love to work. And doesn't matter what's going
on in my life, I'm always going to give work 110%.
And when I had that panic attackin the office, it's new.
That's when I knew I had to makea change because it was
affecting me at work. I you usually start at 50

(15:13):
milligrams, you work your way up.
No, they start you at 25. I think I started at 50.
I mean, if you're having panic attacks, probably because
they're like, oh, you're like. You're not well, but yeah, 150
milligrams of Zoloft. I have 50 milligram hydroxyzines
that I can take as needed for panic attacks.

(15:36):
I love hydroxyzine. That is my shift.
It used to do so much to me, like now it's like, no.
And then I have 100 milligrams of Trazodone I take to go to
sleep. God, I take I'll take
hydroxyzine when I need to sleepif I like my brain and my
anxiety is like going too much. And then I also have really bad

(15:58):
flight anxiety, so I usually have to take like 50 milligrams
per flight just to keep myself calm from not thinking that we
are going to die. Yeah, we shouldn't talk about
this. It's a very real topic in
today's society. Mr. W recently was like, oh,
because we were planning our March trip and he was like,

(16:19):
maybe we should go somewhere where you can drive so you don't
have to fly. I said This is why I love you.
He knew. He knew, he knew.
Yeah, so I'm very medicated and it's not that I don't have
anxiety now, I still do It just it helps me recover more
quickly. It helps me not spiral, not take

(16:39):
things so seriously. I had the debilitating kind of
anxiety. Now you asked me to do something
for my job. I'm going to do it and I'm going
to crush it. And it's very, it's very weird
that I can advocate for my job and things I have to do at work,
but it's very hard for me to advocate for myself or to do
something that I need to do for myself.

(17:04):
But I don't know what to say I. Was going to say I feel like
we're the opposite in that way because like at work, I feel
like it's very hard for me to advocate for myself, but like
when we're like out in public orlike we need to order something,
I'm like, whatever, I got it. Like the order's wrong.
Send it back like in in our relationship.
Like I'm very much like, oh, they did not order that.

(17:25):
They actually asked for no cheese.
Like can you fix this? Like in a nice way?
Of course not an asshole to. Yeah, don't be an asshole to
waitresses. If you know, you know.
If you never, you know I will never ever, ever be with someone
who is a bad tipper or someone who is rude to waitresses.

(17:46):
Or service industry people in general.
Like I have to deal with enough for their mental health, I am
not going to fucking be an asshole to them.
No, sometimes I act like I'm like, I'm so sorry that I
decided to come to your place ofwork and bother you while you're
working so I can get lunch or something, you know?
Yeah, I'm literally like the most anxious person.

(18:09):
Not anymore. I feel really good now.
A lot of my anxiety came from lying and not being my true
self, which you should never feel that way in a relationship.
It's so lonely. It's so lonely where you can't
tell the person you love what's going on with you, or they don't
understand mental health or don't think it's a real thing.

(18:33):
And that's hard. It's very, very hard to go
through that. I mean, you saw me at my lowest,
which I think was probably 2022.Oh yeah, I think that's when we
sat down for sushi and you, like, blurted everything out and
I said, girl, what? Yeah, that weekend, I remember
it because I had moved out for alittle while.

(18:56):
I moved out for a little while. We'd tried like a separation.
I moved back in. I told you what happened, and I
think we went out with a bunch of our high school friends.
It was at City Beach. Yeah, because I was in Richmond
that weekend. Yeah, and he didn't come out
with us because we were still very rocky, fighting whatever.

(19:17):
He was like, I don't want to drink you and I got black out.
I remember crying at the bar. Shocker.
I was like bawling at the bar because.
Yes, and you called him and he came and got you.
Like I called him, he came and got me, and as soon as we got
into the house, it was a huge fight.
He went to bed, I laid on the couch, and that night I took 40

(19:40):
Benadryl. Yes, yes, I remember on top of
alcohol and whatever else, that was a very dark place in my life
because I was so unhappy that I was just like, I'm done.
I'm done. News flash to all 40, Benadryl
will not kill you. It will not kill you.

(20:02):
It will cause you to throw up. I threw up everywhere.
Was in the shower throwing up for multiple hours and then I
was having crazy hallucinogenic like insurance and outs.
I remember Grace came over the next day and I was like fading
in and out of consciousness. So that's a scary part.
And that was a real low for me where I really knew I needed to

(20:23):
make a change. And we talked about cheating on
this podcast, and a lot of my mental health came from cheating
because I felt so guilty. It's not something I enjoy
doing. It's just something that
happened. You find you're out.
You find you're out. You find what makes you feel
good. And I was chasing this high of
sex, sex, sex. This makes me feel so good and I

(20:46):
feel so wanted without really realizing the damage it was
doing to me. And then once I hit that low,
that was scary. Yes, yes, it.
Was I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Idid that to you.
Like it's such a selfish thing to do, but I was just so unhappy

(21:06):
and after that happened I was like, I need to make a change.
I need to stop drinking. That's.
When you started Jazzercise again, right?
I started going back to Jazzercise and that was when I
had a two year streak, 0 treat like 0 cheating, nothing. 2
years I was like I'm clean, I'm good, I'm happy, we can make
this work. And then that happened.

(21:30):
Yeah, then that happened. I got a tattoo that says chaos.
It was chaos and that was the beginning of the end.
I think I talk about my relationship and how that was
the beginning of the end. But that's when, you know, I got
remedicated again, and I decidedthat my life was worth more than

(21:51):
being in an unhappy marriage andhating myself every single day
for things I've done in the past.
And I tell you what I know, theysay.
What's the saying about when youtell the truth?
The truth will set you free. Yes it does.
The truth sets you free. Do I need to look up this saying

(22:11):
for you? No I truly believe the truth
will set you free and any time like my ex and I were fighting
like it's not like he ever caught me.
I like I'm sure maybe he felt something he never addressed it
with me. Like the only times we addressed
it is because I told him I was like I feel guilty about this I

(22:31):
can't live with this on. And he forgave me every single
time. Which was even more poisonous to
my mental health because it justleft me feeling in this awful
dark hole. I wanted because you wanted to
be punished like you wanted him to like.
Have a The reason I was doing itis because I wanted him to leave

(22:54):
me because I did not have the courage to leave him.
I couldn't do it. My 20 year old self, I did not
have the courage. So I tried to leave him once by
moving out, came back, tried to leave him once by overdosing on
Benadryl. I lived, I lived, I lived.

(23:15):
And then, yeah, the beginning of2024 was a very rough year for
me. And I eventually just said, you
know, he's not going to leave. So I'm, I'm going to, I'm going
to do it. It's time and I'm so much better
off for it. I'm so much happier for it,
clearly. You can see, I mean, I think I
told you this, I feel like when I came to visit or when I came

(23:37):
to visit you last summer, I likecould even see it in Zeus and
Mila. Like your dogs, like I could
even tell like they were not as anxious as they normally were
when I was going to visit you inRichmond.
Like I felt like all the dogs were like, because they could
tell that you guys were super anxious, like I'm just not OK.
So like they were taking that inand they were super anxious and

(23:58):
like lashing, you know, and I feel like especially Zeus, I
feel like he's a different dog. Like he's.
So good. He's so good, and getting him
out of that environment, gettingmyself out of that environment
was great for both of us. And I found something that's
very triggering to me is when people raise their voice at me
because it's something that I went through in my childhood.

(24:20):
And if someone is yelling at yourepeatedly or talking to you in
a very aggressive tone, that does have a wear on a person.
Oh, absolutely. I know for me when people start
like raising their voices because from my childhood, like
just the constant like screamingand yelling and like very
explosive reactions to everything.
Like I, I start to shut down. So like and I even notice it in

(24:44):
myself, like when I start getting angry, I start to just
completely shut down. Like I said, I can't like get a
hold of my emotions to like or like my brain can't figure out
how to like talk about it it. Sends me into like a panic.
I don't even know what to say. This got really sad really fast.
Guys, I can promise you I am OK.I can promise you I am OK.

(25:07):
I had a a momentary lapse of like I don't want to be here and
I took some Benadryl and that was life.
But I do want to be here. Yes, 2024 to 2025, very
different people. It's amazing how much.
It went from literally February to April and it was my birthday
and our three-year wedding anniversary in April and we went

(25:29):
to Puerto Rico together, which is where we went after we got
married. And I remember on that trip like
we were what I would consider having a great time for us.
There was no fighting. We were going on walks every
day. We were going to the beach, we
are going to nice restaurants. And even during that time I was
like I don't want to be with this person.

(25:52):
And a week later hooked up with my cheater boyfriend literally a
week to the day from my birthdaybecause my ex left me to go out
with friends. So I invited cheater boyfriend
over to my house. Soon as ex came back I was like
Yep I had sex with him again andI'm moving to Nashville.
Yeah, that all happened in like 24.

(26:13):
Hours. I think it all happened within
24 hours and 20 year old me couldn't do it. 30 year old me
is strong. Hell yeah.
And then I've been through my mycrazy sex hiatus.
So if you listen to episode 4, I'm not like that anymore.
I'm not like that anymore. I have a boyfriend who I
absolutely love and he's amazingin every way.

(26:35):
I mean, yeah, cuz you used sex as like your outlet, which I
mean I did the same thing after Adrian died.
I went through like two months of like not wanting to be
touched and then I was like fuckthat and went to like one of my
pico faces. I was like I don't give a fuck
who it is. Like I'm I just want to feel
something I guess. Well, that was me.

(26:56):
It was like, I definitely like OK, hear me out.
So after a night of heavy drinking, drugs, whatever,
everyone knows what Sunday Scary's are.
Everyone knows what anxiety is. My anxiety method, I think it's
in one of our posts, is hydroxyzine and masturbation and
sleeping. And just like masturbation with

(27:18):
sex, it's feeling that high of the orgasm and feeling that
serotonin that I'm lacking that it really became addicting to me
to have orgasms, to have someonewho desired me and wanted me to
the point I took it to the extreme.
Like I highly recommend you don't do it my way.
I would highly recommend your. Own mental and physical health.

(27:42):
Please don't. Please don't do this.
Like I was doing very dangerous things just to feel something
and was being very reckless withmy life, very like very reckless
with my body, very unsafe with people.
I don't know. I will say I had to do that to
get to where I am today. But I can assure you there are

(28:04):
healthier methods. There are healthier methods than
what I went through. So even though you might hear my
stories and be like, oh, Vicky'ssuch a slut.
It's like, yeah, I was. And you know what?
It got me through what I needed to at the time.
And now I can look back on it and say, Yep, I mean, that was a
little crazy. What I do it again with the
right person who I love. Absolutely.
But having mindless sex gets old.

(28:28):
It's old. It definitely served a place in
my growth. A girl could have gotten
kidnapped multiple times. I'm like, the fact that I'm
alive today is like. I would no whenever I would see
like your Instagram story of youlike being out with like a drink
or something, I would immediately start checking your
location like every hour and like has she made it home yet or

(28:49):
I text you be like, what are youdoing?
Yeah, it was a wild six months, but I am so glad to have it
behind me and so glad to just bewith one person, which I don't
think I've ever said ever once in my life.

(29:09):
And if there's a man who loves me and gives me everything
sexually, emotionally, that is enough for me.
I just I hadn't found enough yet.
And now you have. I know Mr. Spreadsheet and I are
de Lulu who's like we I'm like we're having babies.

(29:29):
Like the fact that I would like,if anyone knows me, you know,
I'm anti kid. You know, I'm anti kid.
I go through phases of like, no,I'm not having a kid.
And I remember I ran into this girl that I danced with on dance
company at the airport. Gosh, this was right around the
midst of me deciding, like, should I divorce this person?

(29:51):
Right. Yeah.
I was going to Nashville and I ran into her and she was like,
oh, like, do you want kids? And I was like, yeah, I want
kids with the right person. And.
I, I don't think I realized at the time that what you said,
what I said, and that is so likeboggling to me now because like

(30:12):
the person I'm with right now, like if he wanted a kid
tomorrow, I would 1000% give himthe most beautiful baby ever
because he's a great person. I fucking cannot with you.
She probably gave you a look andyou were probably like why is
she looking at me like this? Because then if you have a kid
with the wrong person like. That was my fear.

(30:33):
And you're. Stuck with that person for the
rest of your life? I've read stuff about where guys
are like, oh she like no one wants to feel like they're your
like boyfriend's mother like that right?
It's so off putting. So unattractive.
It's so unattractive. I can't believe I got married

(30:53):
after he threw up hamburger in the bed the night before we got
married. Like literally he went out with
all of his friends, got blackoutdrunk, showed up at like 4:00
AM, We're supposed to go to the courthouse at 8:00 AM that
Monday, throws up hamburger in the bed, I put him on the couch
so he can sleep, I clean up all the vomit and we go to the

(31:15):
courthouse. He's still drunk.
We had plans to go get a specialbrunch after we got married.
He's too drunk to eat. He goes home, he passes out and
I went to work. That was my wedding day.
His. Friend was literally DD ING him
at 8:00 AM on a Monday. Yeah, on the day of our wedding
to his wedding. I'm just like what the fuck?
Who marries someone after they throw up in the bed the night

(31:36):
before because they're blackout drunk on a Sunday?
Like what the fuck was I thinking?
I think we were still in the grief phase.
That was still 2020 100%. And I would say 2020 and 2021
were our worst years. And those were the years I got
engaged and married. And then 2022 is when I was like

(31:58):
I can't fucking do this anymore.Between the grief, the lies, the
cheating, the abuse, I'm just like I can't do this anymore.
And 2022 was a big turning year.Yeah, because I remember towards
like the end of 2020, I was justdrinking all the time.
I remember thinking to myself, like, OK, if I don't stop

(32:20):
drinking or if I don't change mylifestyle habits, whatever, I
was like, I'm going to drink myself to death or I'm going to
end up killing myself. Like something has to stop.
So like the end of 2020 is when I rejoined the gym and I started
going. And then finally I say like
halfway into 2021, I was like, I'd say like the beginning
summer of 2021, I was like starting to feel sweater and

(32:43):
stuff. And then of course that's when I
met fucking What's his face? And then we started dating and
then. Another car guy.
Another car guy that loved to fucking manipulate you.
Yeah, we say hindsight is 2020. I'm just going to say don't make
rash decisions. In your grief after Adrian died,
you remember when I got that awful haircut?

(33:04):
I was so blonde and my hair was so short.
It was awful awful. I literally went to a great
clips and cut like 8 inches off of my hair because I needed a
change and if you post a photo of my hair I will literally
murder you because I hate myselffor like that decision.

(33:24):
It took so long to grow out. It was so bad.
I mean who hasn't had a bad haircut?
But like cuz Vicki hair at the time was like past her shoulders
and then she cut it like to the bottom of her ears.
So like she literally cut off like 7 inches but and then you
were wearing like a turtleneck when you sent me the picture and

(33:46):
I Remember Me and the another girl.
Before and after on Instagram and I was like which is better
and people kept liking the before and I was like I should
delete this. And I was like.
Well, maybe. Maybe if.
You curl it or like you know, wait.
So bad there was like, no recovering from that haircut.

(34:11):
Yeah, grief makes you do wild things.
Poor mental health means poor haircuts.
I'm notorious for getting tattoos when I'm in in times of.
Crisis, I would say in a mental health crisis, I think a lot of
people do that. Yeah, tattoos, nipple piercings.
I've had my nipples pierced twice and both times were in

(34:32):
times of crisis. Yeah, when I got my septum
pierced, it was when I found outmy ex-boyfriend had cheated on
me for like the second or third time and I was like, I'm gonna
go get a piercing then. As you should, Queen as you
should. Hell yeah.
Speaking of that licking on my tattoos.
Speaking of that ex-boyfriend though, one of my friends cuz

(34:55):
him and I obviously do not follow each other on social
media but one of my friends let me.
Hey, excuse me, that's rude. We're in the middle of recording
Mila. Anyways, one of my friends sent
me a picture. Do better.
Do better. Mila sent me a picture of him.

(35:18):
He's on like vacation or whatever with his wife,
girlfriend, fiance. I don't know and.
There is. This man.
Does he look gross? So fucking fat.
Like he's full figured. He's full figured.
We don't say fat. Sorry, he is very voluptuous
now. I would never body shame someone
as someone who is habitually body shamed, I would never ever

(35:40):
do that to anyone. Whether it's the same sex,
different sex, no. Well I'm going to body shame him
because he cheated on me multiple times.
OK, then you can body shame for.Three years and he, I think he's
probably gained like 100 lbs because when I knew him, he was
in the Marines and was fit and like now.
That was your first problem. Marines, military man, You had a

(36:02):
problem. I.
Had a problem I had. A problem.
I. Loved.
Myself. Some fucking military man.
Yeah, disgusting. Could it be me?
I had one military man tell me he loved me after three weeks of
knowing me and I was like. Oh yeah, I didn't realize what
love bombing was until it happened to me like 10 times in

(36:25):
a row and I was like, this is what this is.
Now I know what the TikTok girlies are talking about.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, I didn't know I was part of this trend.
It's funny because love bombing never works on me because it
gives me the ick immediately. No, I'm a romantic.
I'm like OK. I'm the complete opposite.

(36:48):
Mr. W tried to give me a compliment the other day and I
literally looked at him and I said.
Eww, no, don't do that. Don't do that.
I literally. No, I'm trying not.
To no Mr. Spreadsheet tells me I'm beautiful every single day
and he for once he's the only guy.
I believe it when he says that. No.
Like I I never took compliments either.

(37:10):
Like I never wanted affection for my significant other.
Probably because I was pulling away because I felt some type of
way. But no, he's he's perfect and
he's everything and I love him. I know I was never like a big
cuddler. And I like told Mr. W that when
we first started dating and thenI became obsessed with him and

(37:32):
all I want to do is fucking cuddle in bed.
And he's like, do you remember? And I'm like, yes, I know every
time we cuddle, he's like, remember when you said you hated
to be touched and like didn't like cuddling?
And now he's like, if I don't even like have a finger on you,
you freak out. I'm like, I'm sorry that I like
your touch. Yeah, no, it's so nice.
Just the comfort. I read something about how when

(37:56):
you're in a very committed, loving relationship, you sleep
so much better. Yes, you, No.
Yeah, I've read that before, like, 'cause you're not in a
flight or fight zone, so your body can like relax.
So you feel more tired when you're with your significant
other because you feel safe and secure.

(38:17):
Yeah, so I sleep all the time now.
No, literally I told I always tell Mister W I'm like, you're
the reason why I'm tired all thetime, because I feel safe and
secure. And like when we and it's true,
like when him and I are together, like I sleep so
soundly through the night. So it is he he's like, I never
nap. He's like, but when we're
together, he's like, I nap so well.

(38:38):
I sleep so well. Like, see, we were just meant to
be. Meant to be.
I'm like who would have thought?March 1st of 2025.
Vicki and Grace are both in loving, committed relationships
and obsessed with their significant others to the point
of delusion. Literally, literally delusional.

(39:01):
The other day we were sitting down eating and I and I was just
like cutting my food and I was like, so when we get married and
he's like what? And I was like baby, baby and
like just like went off and he was like OK baby anything you
want. And I was like, OK.
And I'm even going to read you these messages I.
Don't want to know keep your your cuz Vicky and spreadsheet
man are very lovey dovey to eachother.

(39:23):
And like my love language is definitely like I like quality
time and access service like that's how I want people to show
me love. And Mr. WS is definitely words
of affirmation, gift giving and stuff.
But you 2 are definitely words of affirmation and physical
touch. And I don't like PDA like Mr. W

(39:45):
and I will hold hands in public.We can't help it, we literally
were like we're going to gross our kids out because of how in
love we are. I mean, that's a good thing to
like show your children like a loving relationship.
But I'm like keep it like bring it down to like 50% when you're
around me We. Want that intoxicating?
Can't keep your hands off each other?
Love forever. I mean, you should want that

(40:06):
forever. I know.
But just keep it to a minimum when you're around me because
PDA makes me so uncomfortable. He's.
So excited to meet you. He's so excited.
So a month from now, Mr. Spreadsheet is meeting my family
and my best friend Grace. So yeah.
What? I'm excited to meet him just to

(40:27):
like, see it together and so that way I can like look at
Sandy and be like they're touching each other.
I was telling her that I'm bringing him and he's going to
make her Key Lime Pie and he's planning to bring her flowers
and on she was like, I was sending her photos of us and she
was like this is serious. And I was like yes, mom, this is

(40:49):
serious. I know that's hard to believe.
And after my last relationship, my mom was like, you can't stop
bringing men around. You have to stop bringing men
around because we get attached and it's hard for us to.
I'm like, oh, what was me? Mom, I'm sorry my divorce is
hard for you. I'm so sorry that I just went
through seven years of hell. I'm just like, I'm like, you

(41:09):
don't even like him. I'm like, why aren't we talking
about this? No, literally, I think it was
like the last two years that they finally came around.
I know and I'm just like you guys have seen me more in the
last like 6 to 8 months than anyone has seen for me in the
last 6 to 8 years. It's like I fell off the face of
the earth because I was living in his world.
I think you came to Blackstrig more at the end of last year

(41:33):
than probably the seven years you guys were together.
Yeah. Which is.
So This Is Us having humor and coping inappropriately with our
trauma, but we're supposed to betalking about mental health.
We talked about my suicide attempt.
Let's talk about your mental health and your therapy.
Enough about me. We're laughing through the

(42:02):
tears. Anyways, mental health and
therapy go hand in hand. Vicki and I are really good at
therapy. That is sarcasm if you can't
tell. So the first time my mom,
anytime I've had to go to therapy.
I've never actually been to therapy, but my mom has tried to
send me to therapy throughout the years and the first time was

(42:26):
in middle school when we first moved to Blacksburg and I was.
Your therapy. Yes, Vicky was my therapist
because I did not want to move to Blacksburg.
My brother was deployed at the time.
I was an angsty teen. Like a lot was just going on and
I was just not in a good place and I refused to make any
friends. I think I've like briefly talked

(42:48):
about this story and my mom got very, very concerned because I
literally would cry myself to sleep every single night when we
first moved to Blacksburg. And so then my mom went to the
middle school therapist and was like.
Guidance counselor guidance. Counselor, she was like, you
guys need to do something because I think she's going to
try and kill. Herself so they.

(43:11):
Like pulled out like 5 girls in our grade and we're like, you
need to be friends with this girl.
And then I'm. You guys were not very tactful
about it because like randomly all of a sudden one day all five
of them are like, hey, let's be friends.
And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, OK.
Yeah, you ended up with me. Basically, the guidance

(43:32):
counselor was like, go be friends with Vicki.
And I mean, I was the bubbly, fun girl.
I still AM. And.
I was the the angsty girl. And we became best friends.
The end. Exactly.
Black Cat Gold retriever strikesagain.
Strikes again and then Adrian became a part of our group.

(43:54):
Yes. And then we just tucked her in
there. Yeah, tucked in the middle.
Beep beep. The other time my mom tried to
send me to therapy was I think it was freshman or sophomore
year of college. My parents were like going
through a very rough time in their marriage and some things

(44:15):
came out and it just like fucking fucked the entire family
basically. And I took it really hard
because I'm really close with both my parents.
And she was like, you need to goto therapy.
You need to talk to someone thatisn't like me or dad.
And I was like, all right, fine.So the first time or the first

(44:38):
one I had scheduled, I think it had snowed.
So I was like, oh, can't come, roads are bad.
Tough shocks, Shocks. What an inconvenience.
Literally the second time I think I I had called like 5
minutes before and was like oh I'm sick I can't come.
Then I have the black lung. Pennsylvania.

(44:59):
Literally. And then the third time, I just
didn't show up, didn't call, nothing.
And then they called my mom and they were like, she's no longer
accepted at this practice. Like she could not come here
anymore. So here you are.
You're ghosting your therapist, and I'm getting ghosted by my
therapist. Literally, I had three

(45:20):
therapists that ghosted me. The first one I saw after Milo
died, my first dog. And there were just been like a
murderer at a property I was overseeing.
And yeah, I was like, literally like on FaceTime with my mom.
She's like putting down my dog. And I'm like, talking to the
police, being like, yeah, there's a murderer at the

(45:41):
property. That was a low.
That was a very big low for me. You helped me get through the
death of my dog. And I don't know about you guys.
Back then, I was very like, I don't want anyone to know I have
a mental health problem. Oh.
Girl same same I. Was like, I don't want to go to
an office where anyone knows me.I don't want to be seen.

(46:04):
So I was like, you know, this random guy has a house and he
does therapy. So I was at this random dude's
house that. Seems unsafe.
I mean, do you know me? As soon as I said that, I was
like, she's done this before, she's a pro at it.
Well, literally I went there a couple times.
One time he was late. The next time he was like, oh,
our appointment's next week. And the third time that I went

(46:24):
there and he didn't show up. He just never, he never
responded to me. And I was like, maybe this was
like a hoax and he thought like,like maybe it was like a rapey
thing. Like it was going to be like.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they like lure you to a
spot so that way they can take advantage of you.
Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, he ghosted me and I had

(46:46):
two other therapists ghost me. I'm like, that's not very
therapeutic. I'm like, isn't this your job to
like literally talk to me and love me no matter what?
Like I've heard of therapists like firing people.
Like one of my older sisters, she's been fired by every single
therapist she's been to. So like, I've heard of that, but

(47:08):
I've never heard of a therapist ghosting a client because I feel
like that can send people into like a mental health crisis,
right? I'm like, do you not care about
mental health after the incidentwhere you were throwing up on
the plane the entire ride home? And I, I literally, I got to my

(47:29):
apartment in Nashville. I was going to go to Jazzercise
and I didn't have the mental strength to go and take a
Jazzercise class. And I laid in bed crying on and
off between talking to my mom. That was like one of the first
times I really explained to my mom like how bad my mental
health was, which my parents aredoing a lot better with it now.

(47:52):
At the time it was very surprising to them because I
kept all of my issues a secret for so long.
Did you have herself harm or wasthat just a me thing?
No, because like for me, whenever I am like in a crisis,
I don't like outwardly do things.
I like inwardly do things. I basically just shut down and

(48:14):
turn until a zombie. I just don't do anything.
Like back last year there was basically the month of
September. I was just having a really bad
depressive rot episode and Mr. Wwas like, what is wrong with
you? Like, I don't understand.
You're not your normal self. And I was like, I was like,

(48:34):
sometimes this is just part of being with me.
This is part of my mental health.
Like I. There's going to be days I
disconnect that I'm just not talking to you all the time.
And I try to be very cognizant of it because I will say dating
someone who has mental health can be taxing on that.
Like mental health problems can be really taxing on the other

(48:54):
person. And it's something I recognize
in something in my past relationship that I've never
wanted to feel like a burden. Yeah.
Yeah. Except it lasted like 3 weeks
and the only reason why I came out of it was because of my
brother's wedding. And I was like OK fuck I have to
get out of bed. I need to go get my spray tan, I

(49:17):
need to pack. I need to do all of these things
to get ready for this wedding. Which I mean luckily the wedding
was coming up so like definitelyhelped me out of that depressive
raw episode. I haven't had one since
September, which is good. Yeah, that's good.
I am. I did one of those awful things

(49:37):
where if you're a girl, I know you do this.
You type notes in your phone andit was my therapy focus.
This was February of 2022. I wrote some things that I
wanted to like talk to my therapist about.
And I read this to myself the other day.

(49:57):
And I was just like, this is absurd.
So I'm going to read it for you guys.
I'm going to be very vulnerable in this moment.
Grace has never heard this before.
So one of the things that I was like, why am I so upset with my
husband when he goes out withoutme often?
I'm like, that's a bee issue. That's a bee issue.
Clearly he accuses me of being an alcoholic but isn't

(50:20):
recognizing it for himself. That motherfucker would
literally go out on a random Tuesday till 3:00 AM.
Yeah, he vacations and spends lots of time apart with me.
I was like, why am I sad? And I'm like reading these
statements and I'm like, these are good reasons to be sad.
You were basically in a lonely marriage.

(50:41):
I was like needing more quality time, impulsive decisions and
being reckless. My anxiety and how not hearing
from him makes me feel. It was I'm always in the moment.
I can't text you because I'm with my friends and I'm like,
but you're on your phone non-stop when you're with me.
Literally. Also, it takes 10 seconds to

(51:03):
send a text message. Next one, choosing time with
friends over me communicating where he's at and when he will
be home. If you were married to someone
and your person will not tell you like does not communicate.
He was notorious for being like I'll be home in 30 minutes
doesn't come home until like 5:00 AM.
The next line saying things likeI'll be home at 10:00 PM and not
showing up until 3:00 AM. No communication when he's on

(51:26):
the way and. Then he would drive home drunk.
Yes and I was like him not understanding anxiety.
I was like different goals and his feeling more important than
mine. These were things I was like, I
need to talk to my therapist about why I'm not OK with these
things. No, you guys needed a marriage
therapist for that. Like I, I literally looked back

(51:47):
on this because I was like, let me torture myself a little bit.
And when I read this list back to myself, I was like, it is so
absurd that I am going to therapy to try to correct these
things and be OK with these things.
Literally marriage. Like I was like, I'm going to
settle for this. This is my life.
I need to go to therapy so that he can live this life that I

(52:11):
just read out to all of you. Which is fucking batshit because
I think if Mr. W were to do any of those things then not
answering you for hours on end and you not knowing where he is,
that shit would fucking piss me off.
I had his location and stuff andI would, there would be times I
would message his friends and the anxiety of someone being

(52:33):
like, I'll be home in 30 minutes.
I mean, if you're with someone you really care about, you want
to know that they're home safe, especially if they've been out
drinking and waking up at 5:00 AM to not having your husband in
bed with you is an awful feeling.
An awful feeling. There were times I lost sleep
before going to work because I was so stressed out about what

(52:54):
he was doing on a weekday. And honestly, it's probably, I
mean, he was doing this before anything that I had done.
Yeah, I never. And he never took accountability
for it. Never even like so much as like,
I'm so sorry I stressed you out.It was always, well, I was in
the moment, babe. Like you can understand that.

(53:16):
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, I was in the moment fucking other guys because you
were never around. Even when I was fucking other
guys, I had the decency to text you when I would be home.
So self harm I used to. Communication is very important

(53:45):
in a marriage. Communication is very important
in a. Marriage and a relationship in
general is very important. No, I used to like cut myself
like with a kitchen knife. So especially when I was having
panic attacks. And this is something I talked
to like the last therapist I hadin Richmond before I moved.

(54:08):
My self harm was an effort to break the panic attack because I
could not get it to stop. And you could so needed to like
ground. Your I was having anxiety
attacks, panic attacks and in aneffort to ground myself, which
they said a lot of people self harm and they taught me other
ways. They were like dig your
fingernails into your hands, like clench your fists, take

(54:29):
your shoes off and touch the ground.
So in an effort to break my panic attacks, I used to cut
myself and I also used to beat myself with my tennis racket,
like hit myself in the shins repetitively.
It's like it's not funny. It's like it's not.
Funny, but I mean, it helped. It helped and it was an effort

(54:52):
to like snap me out of it like I'm trying to.
Like it's not because I want to hurt myself.
It's like I need to put the focus on pain or somewhere else
to distract me from what is going on right now.
Well, no wonder you had bruises all over your body all.
The time, well, they were like, eat sour candy, clench your

(55:12):
fist. And I was like, no, I'm just
going to beat my shins with a tennis racket.
It's like. Odd.
Well, thank you for being vulnerable with me.
I'm being so vulnerable because it's about mental health and
people. I mean, people don't talk about
it. Well, they, I mean, people
definitely talk about like, oh, I'm medicated and then they

(55:34):
laugh and giggle like we've beendoing, but they don't like
actually get into the nitty gritty of being like, yes, I've
tried to kill myself or yes, I'mself harmed or you know, like
that type of stuff. What can?
People talk about, which I don'tcare if people know I'm better
now, I mean. You've you've come out on the
other side and it shows people that like those dark times don't

(55:56):
last. Yeah.
Like you can get through it. It's gonna suck and it's so
fucking hard. And like, looking back on it
now, I'm like, it wasn't that serious.
But at the time I was like, let me just cut my arm off.
Jesus. Trying to think what else is
mental healthy? Have you ever been sexually

(56:17):
assaulted or was that just me? I mean like, I've definitely had
guys touch me when I had not wanted them to, like rubbed on
my vagina and stuff like that. I sent this to my therapist and
she was like, that's assault. I know as soon as you said I

(56:37):
would, I was like, I already know what it is.
I already know what it is. I will talk about one story
though. So obviously you remember when I
met my ex-husband, we moved in together.
There was a night we went out with a bunch of his friends and
one of the friend's brothers wasout with us.
I was very drunk. I look back on photos and I see

(56:58):
this person like touching me inappropriately in photos.
I don't. Know if I wait is.
This the story is. This the couch story?
Yeah. OK yeah, you told me it.
I think last year you told me itfor the.
First time anyway like I passed out drunk, my ex left with
friends to go get McDonald's. I woke up to someone, can you

(57:20):
say eating out orally pleasuringme?
I wouldn't say pleasure. They took advantage of you while
you were. Took advantage of me while I was
asleep and I woke up and two friends walked in.
I remember I was pulling up my pants like what the fuck is
happening? Like freaking out.
Neither of those friends said anything.

(57:41):
Of course not. About it he was my boyfriend at
the time my ex-husband walked in.
No one knew. We just never talked about it.
And to me, that was a downfall in our relationship.
And I finally told him about it years later and how how much
like keeping that secret fucked up my mental health.

(58:01):
Because I remember at the time Iwas like, I just quit my job.
I just moved to Richmond. I just moved in with this person
and I love this person. And he says like he didn't love
him. And I remember feeling like it
would never work out with me andhim because of what I had done.

(58:23):
Yeah, but you didn't. I didn't do.
Anything being wrong? Yeah, but 22 year old me was
like, yeah, this is 1000% my fault.
Like. What was his reaction to it?
Nonchalant. No, I mean, he's like, I wish
you would have told me. I would have believed you.
And I was like, we had known each other for three months.
Like, how do you tell someone that you moved in with too fast

(58:47):
that one of your friend's brothers sexually assaulted you
and that person walked in and saw it and didn't tell you?
Like I was more worried about them, like telling him because I
didn't want it to hurt him. Yeah.
To the point that I let it hurt myself.
Like that person followed me on LinkedIn.

(59:07):
He was sending me messages afterwards.
It was very very creepy. And when I look back on the
drunk photos and see where his hands are, like even before I
knew it was happening, I'm just like this is insane.
Men are so fucking disgusting and.
Paid so the only thing that saved me during that time

(59:28):
because shortly after that's when Milo got diagnosed with
cancer because I was already self sabotaging it.
But then my dog got cancer and that's the reason why we stayed
together because I had called mymom and she was had told him
like you need to look out for her like she's not in a good
headspace like we had just put down my family dog and then I

(59:48):
found out Milo had cancer and wealways say that the dog saved
our relationship at the time. Let me just tell you something,
people, Four months into a relationship, if you're working
too hard and fighting and breaking up non-stop, that is
not the person you marry. Yeah, 20 year old me didn't know
that I was like, this is passion, we are passion.

(01:00:12):
It shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be hard with the
person you love. Right.
I mean like it's not going to beeasy.
Like they're going to be times where it is difficult.
That's. Right.
That's literally just a relationship but you shouldn't
be constantly yelling and fighting and being like why is
this so hard? Why am I crying?
Why am I so upset? Like this person should be

(01:00:34):
loving me and I should be happy with this person, not right
anxious when they come home fromwork or when I have to go home
from work or right. Oh, I haven't heard from them in
three hours. Like what's going on?
Right. And it's so different with Mr.
Spreadsheet. And I tell him I try not to
compare. And I'm like anytime I compare,
it's because you're so much better.

(01:00:54):
There's so much more of a man and the way you care for me and
the way you communicate with me is something I've never had.
Yep. I've literally never had it and
it's scary but I'm head over heels for him because he is the
most genuine, like honest commutative person that I've

(01:01:16):
ever met. Yeah, Mr. WS, like said to me a
few times, he's like, I just like don't understand, like how
you were single when we met. You are like, great and you're
fun and you're not dramatic. And he's like, I mean, yeah, you
have your moments, but you're not like a psychopath and like
all this stuff. And I'm like.
Like qualification. Thank you.
Be my girlfriend. You must not be a psychopath.

(01:01:39):
I'm like if that's the standard.But I was like, because I've
been in these relationships where like, I'm not a priority.
I'm always on a back burner. They don't give a fuck about my
well-being or what I'm doing. Or when I do communicate my
feelings, I'm immediately invalidated and told that I'm
crazy. And then I'm like gaslit into

(01:02:01):
being like, oh, should I feel this way about this?
Right. And then later on they're like,
oh, actually, yeah, I was telling you you were crazy
because it was true sick. Sick.
I love that, it's great. I remember this Instagram was
telling me things. I don't know about y'all, but my

(01:02:22):
Instagram knows me like no one better.
It puts things it's because theylisten to you.
I know they listen, but I'm like, thank you for listening
because sometimes there's some stuff that's really meaningful
on there. But I was scrolling through my
Instagram and it was like, I don't know who needs to hear
this but babe, he's not your soul mate if he's the person

(01:02:43):
that makes you cry the most. True.
And that resonated with me. That resonated with me so much
that it shouldn't be this hard. So something that was very eye
opening to me is I didn't have mental health problems until
that marriage. Even when I was getting hit by

(01:03:05):
my last boyfriend, I didn't havemental health problems to the
level that I had in that marriage.
And like, I'm not a sad person. Everyone knows I'm not a sad
person. And when I saw how sad I was.
All the time. All the time I was just like,
this is ridiculous. Yeah, cuz I remember, I feel

(01:03:28):
like you tried to control it in other ways and that's when you
gained a little bit of weight because you were trying to
control it in the way that you, you know, because you feel like
you have to control something. And like, yeah, eating is a way
to control something. Working out is a way to control.
Something so fat and like the short hair and.
Cutting your hair is a way to control something.

(01:03:49):
Dying your hair is a way to control something like.
Sex is a form of control. And I think a lot of people use
sex as like a way to control other people A and then B as a
way to like, cope through whatever they're going through,
I mean. Oh yeah, that's 1000% what it
is. It's a coping mechanism, so.
Anyways, to wrap this up. Anyway.

(01:04:13):
Mental health is very messy, therapy can get weird and
medication comes with side effects like not being able to
have an orgasm. But at the end of the day,
self-care, whether that's therapy, meds, laughing at
everything with your best friend, it's not something to be
ashamed of and you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

(01:04:34):
No, and I'm not ashamed of it. If you're struggling, just know
you're not alone and whatever you need to do to get through
it, that's valid. It is so valid.
Also please for the love of God let's start being honest about
SSRI struggle so we can all suffer less.
I just want everyone to know I'mstill on SSRI's.

(01:04:58):
My orgasm came back. There were there was like a
month or two where I was like, I'm not going to make it guess
what it comes back. Especially when you're at the
right person, it comes back. Absolutely Amen and if you have
a ridiculous therapy story like you ghosting your therapist or
your therapist ghosting you or your therapist firing you or
SSRI Horror Story. Like I know one of my friends

(01:05:20):
was on Lexapro for a while and she turned into a fucking bat
shit crazy person. So DM and let us know because we
would love to hear them. We would love to hear about it.
Yes, your secret's safe with us and the entire Internet.

(01:05:40):
But we will never tell names. There will never be names.
The only names. I mean, I already said this in
the first episode. It's like you're always going to
know when it's me because I can't lie.
Because if I do, I have anxiety and that is why I'm medicated.
She even has anxiety to the entire Internet.
Strangers who don't know who sheis, yeah.
So don't cancel us please. And happy early St.

(01:06:05):
Patricks Day, we hope you guys have a great holiday.
And Billy. Billy, bye.