September 7, 2025 • 54 mins
A list of ten life lessons to help you achieve a happier, more fulfilling life... perhaps. Some lessons are scary to implement. Some are a must if you find that you can never quite achieve fulfillment.
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Episode Transcript
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These are my personal opinions Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being
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Okay I have an interesting thought experiment that I would run today this episode I have put all of my content like everything
that I have ever written and all the episodes of both podcasts that I do Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain this one
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I put everything that I know inside a chatbot I actually have a chatbot in my Healed Being program that talks about everything
I know about emotional abuse So if you're in that program and you bought the full course you'll get what I call the virtual
coach The virtual coach knows everything that I know about emotional abuse and creating the best relationship possible So
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I've built a few chatbots I have some technology in me So I built a few chatbots with my content and one of the chatbots I
built has all of my content not just the emotional abuse stuff and relationship stuff And so I asked I asked the bot in fact
I'll read you the question I said from what you see in my content what do you think are the 10 most important lessons that
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I've learned in my life And I told it you can look for the words I learned For example I'll be talking about something and
I'll say something like I learned that blah blah blah So I wanted to see what the chatbot came up with and then create an
episode on it And let's see if I agree with it I mean I should it's my content but I haven't read these yet So I'm going to
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read them to you and kind of respond to them in real time It said I'll search through your content and find the most important
lessons you've learned Focusing specifically on instances where you've mentioned I learned or shared significant personal
realizations Let me look through your training data for these insights Based on the content I can find in your training data
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here are the 10 important lessons you've learned in life Okay same.
This would be interesting Number one I've learned and this is how it wrote it I've learned that when you create a safe space
for someone to express themselves without fear of judgment or consequences they're more likely to tell the truth and share
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what's really on their mind That's really good I wouldn't have worded it that way but clearly I did I would have worded it
as um you give them a safe space to express themselves so that uh because that's the loving thing to do That's a loving and
supportive thing to do But obviously I've talked about this before because it pulled from my content and I'm not saying I
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disagree with it I absolutely 100 agree with that Again I said this in so many words before I just found it interesting that
it said they're more likely to tell the truth and share what's really on their mind.
And that's so true So this this chatbot was able to put together my um insights and opinions and thoughts and realizations into a more succinct wording journey. That's number nine.
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And I like the way it wrote it So yeah it's so true If you give somebody a safe space to express themselves without fear of
judgment or consequences they're more likely to tell you. the truth and share what's really on their mind And um it is interesting
how it said tell you the truth It sounds like you're trying to seek truth but really I know why it came up with this because
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what happens often is that when somebody shares something with us and we don't like it let's just say it's a partner a romantic
partner or somebody in your family and they share something that we don't like or that we'll get upset about they may know
that we'll get upset and create an unsafe environment for them to share what they want to share So they are less likely to
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tell the truth And I think that's so important And that is something I definitely learned over the years And so there's number
one I like that one Number two is I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in the past prevents them
from being who they are with you today and can become a self fulfilling prophecy That's worded a little strangely So I'm going
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to read it again I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in the past prevents them from being who they
are with you today and can become a self fulfilling prophecy I think I know what I'm saying here What it is saying is let's
just say that I am jealous of my wife being promiscuous in the past And let's just say I was obsessed about it You are promiscuous
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You are dirty Let's just say I was very judgmental and critical about it And I was always obsessing about it This is who I
used to be in my 20s I was obsessed about my partner's past And let's just say that was me What ends up happening is that
someone who feels constantly criticized and judged for who they were you might push them into being that person again or doing
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the behaviors they did before Because if you think that's who they are still and you won't let it go they might as well be
that person today I'm not saying that's how it works I'm saying that can happen This can be how it works I'll give you an
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example Let's just say that a partner tells their spouse you're cheating on me I know you are And the partner isn't And no
matter what they do no matter how transparent they are no matter how much they check in with that person and say okay I'm
here at work Okay I'm leaving work Because they're constantly getting harassed and told that they're cheating They don't feel
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safe Go back to number one They don't feel safe expressing themselves anymore So at least expressing themselves to the person
they want to feel trusted by So they might end up expressing themselves to somebody else that they feel safe with And that
somebody else maybe could be a partner one day or if they were single could be a potential partner And so the person who's
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constantly obsessing saying I know you're cheating or I know you'll cheat on me I know that you'll do this stuff Or I believe
that you're talking to other people that you might be attracted to Whatever they say those accusations can push somebody into
somebody else's presence into their arms even Because they don't feel trusted They don't feel safe And so that is the self
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fulfilling prophecy part Is that we can push somebody to do the very thing that we're accusing them of doing that they're
not doing until they finally do it which fulfills the prophecy Like if I told my wife I don't want you talking to other men
I pretty much guarantee that will force her to talk to other men Not only because she has a rebellious streak but also she
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doesn't like to be told what to do which is part of her rebellious streak And if she feels like she can't be trusted she might
as well do what she is being accused of not to get back at me or anything like that or not to seek another partner in her
life or anything like that It's because she enjoys talking to anyone And if I limit you know if this is the person I am the
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controlling oppressive person if I'm doing that if I'm limiting her in some way then that is controlling that is emotionally
abusive that is making her do what I want her to do regardless of how she feels about it And so why would she want to be with
me Why wouldn't she be more likely to find someone else someone that she feels comfortable with that makes her feel comfortable
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that makes her feel I'm going to manifest my own fear and make it occur I mean I may manifest my own fears and make what I
don't want to happen to happen We can do this We can do this in relationships especially So that's number two Number three
let's see what it says I've learned that honoring yourself in difficult conversations is possible without causing the negative
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consequences you might fear You can stand up for yourself and still survive the interactions I love the way these things are
worded So yes I of course honoring yourself in difficult conversations is possible without causing the negative consequences
you might fear I've said that when you can honor yourself without the fear of the consequences you actually live your most
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authentic life You live the way you want to live And this is saying that when I've done that in the past I have learned that
I can not only survive but going forward I feel like a totally different person because I survived that moment of honoring
myself which I feared For example standing up to my bosses in the past standing up to my alcoholic stepfather honoring myself
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in situations that I believed would cause more problems in my life than solve or change And what honoring myself and saying
or doing what I wanted to say or do regardless of my fear of consequences I learned that my life always got better even if
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it got worse up front But it always got better because once I quote survived that moment of honoring myself you know being
who I really wanted to be saying what I really wanted to say then I went forward with this new tool This tool is basically
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a rise in my self esteem my self confidence and the ability to be myself and choose to be myself in front of people who may
not want me to be myself And that has changed my life So there's number three It's a good one I guess these are all good Number
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four I've learned that healing from relationship betrayal takes about six to 12 months And if after that time there's no improvement
both people may need to separate This is an interesting one I've learned this through others I don't feel like I've been betrayed
in a relationship but I have learned through others and in my experiences with others working with them clients couples that
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when somebody gets betrayed and that doesn't always mean just infidelity sometimes you get into a relationship and they become
hurtful or abusive that's a betrayal Because you are supposed to be with somebody that you love and trust and feel safe and
feel comfortable with And when they aren't that way and they become the opposite and they become hurtful and harmful that
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is a betrayal It is betraying the trust and feelings of security that the other person has and becoming someone that you weren't
in the beginning So when there's a betrayal in a relationship and then that person decides to not betray anymore decides to
change decides to heal this can happen If the person who was being harmful realizes they were being harmful and now decides
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that's not who I want to be anymore because that's awful I don't want to be that person anymore And they decide to change
And this depends on the length of relationship as well but typically years will go by when this happens But if it happens
if they decide to change and stop doing these hurtful behaviors then the victim of those hurtful behaviors it does take here's
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my timeline actually it takes about two to four months for the initial fog to lift for the victim of hurtful behaviors And
that fog is basically all the confusion and sadness and maybe anger and all the negative emotions and feelings and thoughts
that they've had over the years trying to get through the relationship That's all combined It's intertwined in there It's
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a toxic mess And so the victim of those behaviors after the hurtful behaviors stop it takes about two to four months for all
of that fog to lift so that they can start thinking their own thoughts without the good or bad influence of the other person
In other words they have to reconnect with themselves So somebody who's been through a lot of harm or trauma in a relationship
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typically depending on how bad the trauma was if it was a very violent thing it might take a lot more time But in a typical
like emotionally abusive relationship it's about two to four months for the victim of that abuse for that fog to lift for
them And once the fog lifts they can start thinking more clearly about who they are about what they want in their life because
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they haven't been able to think that way for a long time So there's the first part of the timeline the two to four months
And then it takes about two to six months and this is just averages but it takes about two to six months for the victim of
that kind of behavior to actually start healing the harm that was caused the emotional wounds that were caused because they
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have to reconnect with themselves They have to find some grounding in themselves because they've just been verbally or emotionally
pushed around a lot And grounding is just getting stable inside themselves So that can take up to six months And the healing
of all the wounding that took place the crushing of their self esteem the crushing of their confidence their self confidence
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their ability to make decisions the confusion that might still be in there that has to clear up the intuition that was affected
because they may have trusted themselves before and now they don't Trusting their own decisions all of that takes time to
heal So that can take a minimum sometimes of six months up to 12 months And the six to 12 month mark that I'm talking about
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is when the person who has done the hurtful behavior they want to reconcile They will not do the behaviors anymore And if
that's true if they really are showing signs of change which I've seen a lot in my Healed Being program if they show the signs
of change and they really are changing and what triggered them in the past no longer triggers them so that these behaviors
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aren't repeated and they want to reconcile does the victim want to reconcile Does the victim of that behavior want to reconcile
It really depends on if the victim of that behavior still has love in their heart If they have love in their heart then any
time beyond the two to four month period they're going to find that love As the fog lifts they'll be able to tell if they
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still have love in their heart for the other person Because some people will seal their heart shut and say no more you're
not coming in I'm not allowing you in my heart anymore You are locked out completely and permanently I'm throwing away the
key at least for you You're not coming back That can happen And often it takes time for the victim of that behavior to discover
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that they may not be in love anymore They may not have love for that person They may love them in a different way or whatever
but the in love feeling goes away and they seal their heart shut and they won't let the person back in And that's usually
after the fog lifts that they discover that But the fog can also lift and reveal that there is still love in their heart And
if that's the case as the victim of that behavior heals heals what happened and realizes that the other person has or is changing
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and they are now safe to be around they have to make decisions for themselves The victim has to make decisions for themselves
to decide to come back to the relationship or not and take another chance So if the love is still in their heart and they
see these changes and they've done some healing or a lot of healing so that if they decide to get back in the relationship
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because the love is still in their heart and they want to give it another chance because the good parts were really good and
the bad parts if they are really gone they want to see what it can be like If they go back into the relationship they have
to be grounded enough and stable enough in themselves so that if they start to see bad behavior again they know that they're
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not going to take that again They're not going to let that become a problem or a continuous problem in the relationship and
they're going to nip it in the bud right there and say nope this isn't going to happen If you're going to do this I'm leaving
I know some people are listening now saying well if they're hurting you you should never get back with them I understand that
You have every right to say that and I absolutely want the best for you And some relationships have gone on for a long time
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and there have been a lot of great times and then the other person the person being hurtful is operating on old traumas and
old coping mechanisms and they're doing things that are hurtful and they may or may not realize some of it's hurtful but either
way it has to stop and both people have to decide if they want the relationship again And so if the victim of that behavior
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still has love in their heart then the chance of reconciling is there but the victim has to reach that place of healing So
I don't want to get too deep into that I do talk about that in my healed being program and I talk about that in love and abuse
over at loveandabuse com my other podcast So you can learn more about that over there if you're interested But this number
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four I've learned that healing from a relationship betrayal typically takes about six to 12 months And if after that time
there's no improvement this is where the key of this comment or this lesson is both people may need to separate Which means
if after 12 months the victim of that behavior still doesn't feel love in their heart for them and has shown no signs of reconnection
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like touching the other person's shoulder or hand or giving them an extra long stare or having deeper conversations or sitting
with them on the couch if there's been some sort of change in the relationship like a separation for a while emotionally separating
or even physically separating for a while and you're still working on things together hoping to reconcile or at least one
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of you is hoping to reconcile and seeing where it goes the other person seeing where it goes if there's no sign of progress
within that six to 12 month period up to 12 months then there usually isn't after that So that's what that means If after
12 months there's still no forward progress still no signs of progress like reconnecting or little loving gestures or whatever
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then there's usually no reconciliation There's no going back to a relationship from that point because sometimes the victim
of that behavior does not want to take a chance or they feel no love I mean they can still feel love but not want to take
the chance again So they move forward All right That was a good one Number five I've learned that obsessive thoughts are among
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the most difficult challenges to overcome And sometimes you need to push yourself to a deciding moment rather than staying
in the I don't know phase That is uh yeah Wow Obsessive thoughts I've talked about this I have like three or four episodes
on obsessive thinking Obsessive thinking is one of the hardest patterns of thought to stop and heal and get through I've worked
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directly with clients who had obsessive thinking And no matter what I said no matter how much I guided them no matter how
many solutions I gave them no matter if I gave them the perfect formula to stop their obsessive thinking they could not and
would not stop And so I really had to reflect on what obsessive thinking is and how I have personally gotten past my own obsessive
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thinking in the past and how um how it can just keep you in a rut practically indefinitely Just like it never goes away because
you're constantly obsessed And so obsessive thinking has been one of the most difficult topics uh I have ever addressed because
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when you become fixated on something it's very difficult for anyone to come along and say Hey stop thinking about that or
think about it this way or here Um Hey I know you're obsessed about that and you will never ever take your mind off it but
here put your mind on this instead It might go there for a moment but then it goes right back So if you have obsessive thinking
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I'm not going to address it now because it takes several episodes but go back into my archive go to the overwhelmed brain
com type in the word obsess and you will find episodes where I talked about obsessive thinking And um to explain what this
uh this comment is I've learned that obsessive thoughts are among the most difficult challenges to overcome covered that And
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sometimes you need to push yourself to a deciding moment rather than staying in the I don't know phase So an I don't know
phase might be I don't know if we're going to get back together I don't know if I'm going to that job I don't know if I'm
going to um ever see that person again I don't know So I'm going to obsess A good example is after a breakup I want to get
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back together I want to get back together So I'm going to uh cyber stock them and look at their social media I'm going to
obsess on their life as they move forward in their life And I stay here as they move forward in doing what they're doing in
life and meeting other people and having fun or even not having fun just moving along where I'm stuck in this rut thinking
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about them moving along So this is how we can cause ourselves to stop And once we stop and start obsessing we stay stopped
We stay in that rut It's a hole and we just stay in that hole We keep ourselves in that hole because we keep checking their
social media and we keep checking our phone and we look for the possible reply to the text message or the fact that they read
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it yet and obsess obsess obsess So when that happens the um comment that the AI said I have made is basically taking yourself
away from or out of the I don't know phase I don't know is I don't know if for example if they're coming back into my life
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you take yourself out of that and say I know they aren't Once you say that once you accept a truth that you don't want to
accept you might say it's not a truth It may not be a truth but that becomes obsessive again So this is why I'm I believe
in absolutes at least with obsessive behaviors and obsessive thoughts If you go into an absolute from I don't know to I do
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know you make that an absolute truth inside of you and you say I do know that and then you take it to the place you don't
want to take it I do know that they're not coming back That's how you get out of out of obsessive thinking And I just told
you in 10 seconds what um I had to explain in many hours of episodes So if that doesn't work for you go listen to those episodes
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But you you have to tell yourself that this is the truth even if you don't know for sure this is the truth What I don't want
to happen is happening and I have to accept it And then once you do that the I don't know helpful. can disappear so that you
can get out of your obsessive thinking and move on with your life.
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Because even if you're wrong, so what?
You're wrong, you deal with it when it changes. Oh, they did come back. Oh boy, I was wrong. I'm so mad at myself. No, this is okay. Great. We can try it again.
But if you're right, for example, they don't come back, then at least you've moved on with your life. Either way, it's a good thing. So then that's a tough one. Obsessions, very tough.
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I actually don't like talking about it. So I want to move on. I don't like obsessing about obsessions.
Number six, I've learned to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily, particularly in service jobs,
and to treat them with kindness and recognition. What an interesting one.
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I don't know if this is like a life lesson or not.
I've learned to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily.
So I think what it's trying to say here, because I don't think I've used these words, is that some people have a bad day.
And so you approach the cashier and they're just unhappy.
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And I like to try to make people smile. I'll say something funny or whatever.
And sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
But this is actually a good reminder for me because we had a waitress at a restaurant a couple of weeks back who was just not happy and kind of miserable.
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And believe me, I know that waiting tables is very much a miserable job for a lot of people. Some people love it.
I tried it one day, didn't love it, never did it again.
But I have a lot of respect for those people who I choose to go out, or my wife and I choose to go out and eat, and someone comes along and serves us. I think that is phenomenal. My hat's off to you.
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If you serve people, you come to the table, you take our order, you take our attitudes, you take our personalities, and then
you have to carry the plates and you have to get things right.
And people are talking about you and talking to you all day long. Where's my server? Where are they? How come my water isn't filled?
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How come I'm not getting a refill of my Coke or whatever?
And so you have to deal with a lot.
And so I have the utmost respect for servers, and I always treat them with respect.
And I always try to understand their plight. It's a hard job.
And so I do like getting a server who is authentic and trying to do their best.
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But sometimes they're just miserable, and maybe that's authentic for them too.
And when they're miserable, it doesn't really help me have a better experience.
And I always remember, hey, I'm going to try to make this person smile.
But I have to remember, again, this is a good reminder for me, I have to remember that, oh, God, you know, they may be dealing with a lot.
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Maybe they did have just a bad day.
Maybe they don't want to be a server.
Maybe they don't want to deal with the psychology of all these people without being a therapist.
But they're just waiting tables, and it's a difficult thing, and they don't want to do it.
It's a lot of physical work, a lot of mental work to memorize all these tables and what people want.
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And so I have to remind myself that when they're having a bad day, it may not be that they're that kind of person.
It just may be that they're having a bad day.
It reminds me of, what's that old, was it Brian Tracy?
Something about the seven habits, seven habits of highly successful people.
I think his story was, you know, I was on the train, and this woman was letting her kids run around, and I was really upset.
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I was really irritated and annoyed that she let her kids run around.
But then it turned out that her dad died that day or something like that, and he suddenly felt sympathetic and maybe even
empathetic for her because she's letting her kids have fun while she's trying to process and grieve her family death or whatever.
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I forget We have these perspectives of people that may not be true of who they really are. So I think this helps.
I think learning to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily, and for some reason it says, particularly in service jobs.
So I guess service jobs are the frontline jobs, right?
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They're the hard stuff that they have to deal with our psychology, or you have to deal with people's psychology when you are in any type of frontline job.
I remember being a computer repair technician a long time ago, and when you are dealing with people who have a broken computer, they can be very upset.
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And you have to be their therapist and their computer repair technician to help them get through the upset. And it can be tough.
It can be a lot of stress on a person to be those roles or to do those roles.
But to understand their plight, like all my data, all my pictures, everything is on my computer.
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It can be hard to sympathize while you're trying to deal with their emotions, but it is a good reminder. So I like that one.
I probably wouldn't put on a life lessons list that really changed my life, but it is helpful. Number seven, we're almost there.
I've learned that our coping mechanisms from childhood often become our default behaviors as adults when facing challenges or difficult conversations. This is absolutely true.
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How we cope or how we learn to cope and survive as a child turns into how we behave in relationships later on in life.
A good example is I used to cope with my stepfather's violent alcoholic behavior by hiding, by staying silent, by not speaking up.
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And so later on, I brought that into my relationships and it became a wonderful dysfunction that really interfered with love and connection. I'm being sarcastic. It wasn't wonderful.
It was terrible because I became a people pleaser and nobody could see the real me.
They never met the real me because I always adapted.
I was a chameleon because I didn't want to incite drunk dad behavior.
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And I took that learning, those lessons that I pretty much made up as a child from my child brain and thought, this is how you operate in the world.
I took those childhood coping mechanisms and they turned into adult dysfunctions.
And, um, they worked as a child.
They don't work as, uh, when we're adults.
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When I got into romantic relationships, like my first romantic relationship as a teenager, I was jealous. I was clingy. I was possessive. I was critical.
I had all these behaviors that did stem from how I used to cope, how I used to deal with things.
And, um, those coping mechanisms turn into how we can change others or change our environment to make us feel more comfortable.
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That is a big component of the healed being program that I run for those doing emotionally abusive behaviors.
And they want to change is we have to look at those coping mechanisms.
We have to look at, uh, what we quote survived as a kid, because we think we're going to get hurt or die.
At least that's our extremist thoughts that occur when we're children and, um, how we survived turn into how we cope today, how we deal with challenges.
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So if you are unintentionally or intentionally hurting someone that you care about, it's usually because of something you
learned as a child that you took into your adult relationships and you believe this is how you're supposed to be.
This is how you're supposed to act.
And so, yeah, our coping mechanisms from childhood often become our default behaviors as adults when facing challenges or difficult conversations.
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Number eight, I've learned to consider how someone shows up today rather than judging them for their past, as we can always
find something to judge in anyone's history. Okay.
Well, that's very close to what number was that?
It was both number one and two.
One was I've learned that when you create a safe space for someone to express them, express themselves without fear of judgment
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or consequences, they're more likely to tell the truth and share what's really on their mind.
And number two is I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in their past prevents them from being who they are with you today.
So number, and it goes on, but number eight is I've learned to someone shows up today rather than judging them for their past,
as we can always find something to judge in anyone's history. Yeah, you're right, Paul. You're right. This is so true.
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When I was married, my, my previous marriage, I judged her past very strongly in the,
in the myself. And I judged her for what she did, the behaviors that she had in her past. And it was wrong.
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It was wrong to do because the past is the past.
And it took that marriage in her specifically to teach me that we are not our past.
We are the person that we show up as today.
And so if I have a past that bothers you, which it might to some people listening, then I hope that you can hear me today and make a judgment. I don't care.
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Make a judgment, make a judgment about me today and not who I was. I've learned from my past.
I've learned to heal and grow and evolve and become someone that is not that person anymore.
I am proud of the changes I have made in my life and will continue to work on myself, continuing to make changes.
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And when you meet someone who has a past that you can't agree with, my suggestion is to judge them for who they are now, who they are today.
Now, this doesn't mean that if they did something so heinous that it can't bypass your values and it can't bypass your morals
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that you have to be friends with them. You don't have to.
You can choose somebody else to be friends with.
You can choose not to be around that person.
But the concept is to not define someone for who they were.
It's to define someone for who they are.
So you can still have, in my opinion, you can still judge, if you want, someone's past because it was just too heinous or too immoral to get past.
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But if they are a different person today and they aren't doing what they used to do and you can find a way to maybe get past
their past, then maybe you can have something because you're so focused on who they are today. I mean, that gets deep.
We can talk about people's past and how some people may not ever change, but if they are different today, that's a different story.
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But again, there are people who might tell me, well, I was married to a narcissist and they will never change.
And that may be true for that person. Maybe.
So I'm not here to say that everybody can change.
I'm just here to say that it's important that we don't, here's that word again, obsess about someone's past if how they're
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showing up today and how they continue to show up is a lot different than who they were.
So I think that's a good lesson.
I still think you should be skeptical.
I still think you should have what I call your kind of your emotional guard tower up that watches over you.
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Somebody that, you know, something inside you that takes care of you and watches over is the skeptical observer.
So that when you're in a situation or relationship with anyone, you can still have one eye open just to make sure things are
going well until enough time passes where you can say, no, this is good. They're good. They're not that person anymore.
(39:09):
And I don't see the old version of them at all.
It could take a while for you, or maybe you can tell right away, but I'm okay with skepticism because I think we all need to be challenged. Oh, you're not that person anymore. I'm not. Okay.
I'm going to challenge you right now. Oh, okay. Well, let's see where this goes. And I think that's okay. All right. Let me get to number nine. This one's about infidelity.
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I've learned that when dealing with infidelity, there needs to be a period where the victim of that infidelity can express and vent their feelings to heal. But this process can't continue indefinitely.
Well, this is a little controversial, but yes, when I have talked about infidelity in the past, if the infidel, the one who
(40:00):
cheated, is truly sorry, knows they made a mistake, feels guilty, feels shame, and commits to themselves and to the other
person that they will never, ever do that thing again.
And the victim of that infidelity wants to work on the relationship and wants to change how things have been because how things
(40:24):
were clearly wasn't working if there was infidelity.
So now there needs to be more transparency.
Now there needs to be full honesty, full expression of self, and a lot of other things that need to work if there's been infidelity in a relationship.
If there is a chance of reconciliation or getting closer again after infidelity, then there's a point where the victim of
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the infidelity, during this period of healing and working things out, the initial moment or stages after the infidelity is
discovered, there's going to be a lot of probably anger and upset.
There's going to be a lot of confusion. Everything has to be processed.
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But then I'm going to give you another timeline example. It's the same thing.
Up to a year, the victim of that infidelity can express and vent their feelings in any way they want. It can go past a year.
I'm not giving that as a deadline.
I'm saying that during that year, the victim should be allowed to say anything they want, express the pain and the hurt because infidelity hurts.
(41:38):
Betrayal is one of the most painful processes anyone can go through next to losing a child.
And so when somebody finds out that their partner has been cheating on them, that betrayal is so powerful.
It's like I talked about in an article I wrote once where you trust somebody with your heart.
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You hand it to them and say, I trust you with this organ, this important organ inside my body. I'm giving it to you.
I want you to treat it with care and kindness and protect it at all costs.
And when somebody cheats, it's like they take that heart and on the way to the other person, they throw it on the street and
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it rolls and collects leaves and dirt.
And now it's just sitting there unprotected on the side of the and then they come back and pick up the heart and wipe it off.
And then they show you I've taken care of it.
I know that's an awful, awful visual, but that's what it can feel like for many people.
It's like, I trusted you with this and you did this to my heart.
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I mean, if you did this to my heart, how can I trust you ever again?
And so healing from infidelity is a massive undertaking and it can take a minimum of a year to get through all the feelings
and thoughts and starting to build the trust and feeling secure in the relationship again, if those two people want to work that out.
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And so I do talk about that in the article I wrote called healing from infidelity.
I forget what it's called, but if you go to the overwhelmedbrain.com and type in the I think it's called healing from infidelity and also a warning sign. Damn it. I can't forget.
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I can't remember what I called it.
I wrote it back in 2017 or something, but you'll find it.
Look for the keyword infidelity and you'll find it.
But what this lesson is saying is that there needs to be a period where the victim can express and vent their feelings.
And that period may last a year or longer.
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But just like I said earlier, if that never wanes, if the expressing and the anger, if that never decreases throughout the
year and there's no sign of little bits of love and connection returning, then typically after the year, after that has taken
(44:14):
place, if there's no tiny little signs of forward progress in the relationship, there usually won't be.
Now with infidelity, it can take longer for sure.
They can take years to heal and trust again, but there should be signs of forward momentum in the relationship.
If reconciliation is on the table, if reconciliation is on the table, and then there will be little signs of connection.
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And that's usually how you can tell it's going in a good direction.
At least if reconciliation is on the table.
But this is a very deep subject.
I get into it a lot more in more detail.
I don't want to gloss over any of those details because I know this can mean so much.
This has such a massive impact in a relationship that you can feel so betrayed or if you are the betrayer and you do regret
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it, you can feel so much shame and guilt.
And I'm not giving a pass to the betrayer, but I'm saying when there has been this to break the contract, the relationship
contract that you make with another person saying, I'll be loyal and dedicated to you.
When that's broken, when that trust is gone, if there is to be another relationship, a healing process has to take place.
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So in a nutshell, this lesson tells us that when you've been the victim of infidelity, you have every right to just pull your
hair out and scream and cry and tell the other person how terrible they are and what they did to you for as long as you want.
But there is a point where if you're going to reconcile, if the relationship is going to work, then that kind of needs to decrease.
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I'm not saying you have to, you don't have to, but if you do want bonding again, then there is a point where that needs to decrease.
So I'm not particularly fond that this is in our list of 10 because this is such a deep subject that can go or should go into a deeper conversation.
So I'm just going to leave that there.
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We can talk about that in another episode, which we have, but we'll just leave that there.
And the reason I believe that it was on the list is that if you choose to heal the relationship and reconcile with the person
that was the betrayer, then it just has to be known that reconciliation is usually only more likely if the upset and anger
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and anguish and all the feelings that you have decrease over time instead of stay the same.
So, and if they stay the same, you have every right to leave the relationship and say, I just can't get over it.
So I'm not trying to take that away from anyone, but I am saying that if reconciliation is to occur in a relationship with
infidelity, I'll repeat myself, then that stuff needs to decrease over time and it could take a year or more. So there's that.
(47:23):
Let's go to the final one, which is number 10, which is I've learned that forgiveness isn't necessarily about the other person.
It's about forgiving yourself for not being able to show up the way you wanted in difficult situations.
This helps release the tethers that keep you connected to painful experiences.
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This is such a good one to end with.
The chatbot actually wrote later, it said, this lesson appears in your content about forgiveness, where you explain that you
never formally forgave your stepfather for his abuse, but you were able to release the pain by forgiving yourself for not
being able to respond differently at the time. I love this one.
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I think this is a great, great lesson to end on because forgiveness, in my opinion today, is about the other person.
Some people will say you should forgive.
I say that we can tend to think about what happened and blame ourselves in a small way or in a big way, telling ourselves
(48:28):
that we should have done something differently.
Like saying, I should have done this. Or why did I do that?
And we put ourselves down and we give ourselves an emotional bashing for not having the tools or the resources back then that we didn't have.
Otherwise, we would have made a different decision.
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So, we shouldn't put ourselves down for how we didn't show up in the past.
And we should forgive ourselves for not being the person that we are today. Because we weren't. We weren't that person.
I like to say, I forgive myself a break.
Give yourself a break for how things went down and how you believe you should have shown up differently.
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I see this a lot in relationships.
I see this a lot, unfortunately, where children have suffered serious trauma from adults, abuse, sexual abuse, whatever.
And they can look back in the past and some of them blame themselves and they feel shame for what somebody else did to them.
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And another deep subject, we can talk about that another episode.
But the shame or the feelings of guilt that someone can feel about someone doing something to you, that is why I believe in self-forgiveness.
Not that you have to forgive yourself for anything you did wrong, but to forgive yourself for anything you believe you could have done better.
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And that's how I see my past.
I look at the times that I could have made different decisions. But you know what? I give myself a break.
I forgive you, Paul, because you didn't have the tools and the resources that you have today. You didn't have the knowledge.
You didn't have the boundaries that you honor today.
You didn't know enough to do what you needed to do and say what you needed to say back then. You weren't that person.
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And you could never be that person.
So I forgive you for not being able to do what you would absolutely do differently today because you weren't that person. I love ending on this note.
It is a way to tell yourself that you are not to blame for what other people did to you.
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And those people, you can choose to forgive those people or not.
But I want to make sure that you absolutely forgive yourself for not being able to or not having the capability or not having
the knowledge to either stand up for yourself, do something differently, say something different, whatever it was, forgive yourself.
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Because who you were isn't who you are today.
And if you look at the past or your past self from this perspective of you today, then your perception is a little skewed
because you are projecting who you are today onto who you were, which doesn't apply.
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So forgive yourself a break because you weren't the person you are now. And that's okay. This is how we learn. This is how we grow.
This is how we evolve into the best version of ourselves and always trying to get better, always trying to show up in a better,
smarter, healthier way because we are learning from our past.
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That's a great way to end today's episode. So let's do that.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I hope you got something from today.
I want to thank the patrons who give monthly, people like Maria and Dilek and Heather and Christie and so many others that value the show and give back.
And I am very grateful for all of you.
(52:18):
If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you patrons. I appreciate all of you.
And if you're looking for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
If you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal and change
(52:43):
and become the best version of themselves for themselves and in relationships over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
You can consider this one number 11.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
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Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing.
These are my personal opinions Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being
(00:11):
Okay I have an interesting thought experiment that I would run today this episode I have put all of my content like everything
that I have ever written and all the episodes of both podcasts that I do Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain this one
(00:34):
I put everything that I know inside a chatbot I actually have a chatbot in my Healed Being program that talks about everything
I know about emotional abuse So if you're in that program and you bought the full course you'll get what I call the virtual
coach The virtual coach knows everything that I know about emotional abuse and creating the best relationship possible So
(01:00):
I've built a few chatbots I have some technology in me So I built a few chatbots with my content and one of the chatbots I
built has all of my content not just the emotional abuse stuff and relationship stuff And so I asked I asked the bot in fact
I'll read you the question I said from what you see in my content what do you think are the 10 most important lessons that
(01:27):
I've learned in my life And I told it you can look for the words I learned For example I'll be talking about something and
I'll say something like I learned that blah blah blah So I wanted to see what the chatbot came up with and then create an
episode on it And let's see if I agree with it I mean I should it's my content but I haven't read these yet So I'm going to
(01:51):
read them to you and kind of respond to them in real time It said I'll search through your content and find the most important
lessons you've learned Focusing specifically on instances where you've mentioned I learned or shared significant personal
realizations Let me look through your training data for these insights Based on the content I can find in your training data
(02:11):
here are the 10 important lessons you've learned in life Okay same.
This would be interesting Number one I've learned and this is how it wrote it I've learned that when you create a safe space
for someone to express themselves without fear of judgment or consequences they're more likely to tell the truth and share
(02:31):
what's really on their mind That's really good I wouldn't have worded it that way but clearly I did I would have worded it
as um you give them a safe space to express themselves so that uh because that's the loving thing to do That's a loving and
supportive thing to do But obviously I've talked about this before because it pulled from my content and I'm not saying I
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disagree with it I absolutely 100 agree with that Again I said this in so many words before I just found it interesting that
it said they're more likely to tell the truth and share what's really on their mind.
And that's so true So this this chatbot was able to put together my um insights and opinions and thoughts and realizations into a more succinct wording journey. That's number nine.
(03:21):
And I like the way it wrote it So yeah it's so true If you give somebody a safe space to express themselves without fear of
judgment or consequences they're more likely to tell you. the truth and share what's really on their mind And um it is interesting
how it said tell you the truth It sounds like you're trying to seek truth but really I know why it came up with this because
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what happens often is that when somebody shares something with us and we don't like it let's just say it's a partner a romantic
partner or somebody in your family and they share something that we don't like or that we'll get upset about they may know
that we'll get upset and create an unsafe environment for them to share what they want to share So they are less likely to
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tell the truth And I think that's so important And that is something I definitely learned over the years And so there's number
one I like that one Number two is I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in the past prevents them
from being who they are with you today and can become a self fulfilling prophecy That's worded a little strangely So I'm going
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to read it again I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in the past prevents them from being who they
are with you today and can become a self fulfilling prophecy I think I know what I'm saying here What it is saying is let's
just say that I am jealous of my wife being promiscuous in the past And let's just say I was obsessed about it You are promiscuous
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You are dirty Let's just say I was very judgmental and critical about it And I was always obsessing about it This is who I
used to be in my 20s I was obsessed about my partner's past And let's just say that was me What ends up happening is that
someone who feels constantly criticized and judged for who they were you might push them into being that person again or doing
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the behaviors they did before Because if you think that's who they are still and you won't let it go they might as well be
that person today I'm not saying that's how it works I'm saying that can happen This can be how it works I'll give you an
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example Let's just say that a partner tells their spouse you're cheating on me I know you are And the partner isn't And no
matter what they do no matter how transparent they are no matter how much they check in with that person and say okay I'm
here at work Okay I'm leaving work Because they're constantly getting harassed and told that they're cheating They don't feel
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safe Go back to number one They don't feel safe expressing themselves anymore So at least expressing themselves to the person
they want to feel trusted by So they might end up expressing themselves to somebody else that they feel safe with And that
somebody else maybe could be a partner one day or if they were single could be a potential partner And so the person who's
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constantly obsessing saying I know you're cheating or I know you'll cheat on me I know that you'll do this stuff Or I believe
that you're talking to other people that you might be attracted to Whatever they say those accusations can push somebody into
somebody else's presence into their arms even Because they don't feel trusted They don't feel safe And so that is the self
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fulfilling prophecy part Is that we can push somebody to do the very thing that we're accusing them of doing that they're
not doing until they finally do it which fulfills the prophecy Like if I told my wife I don't want you talking to other men
I pretty much guarantee that will force her to talk to other men Not only because she has a rebellious streak but also she
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doesn't like to be told what to do which is part of her rebellious streak And if she feels like she can't be trusted she might
as well do what she is being accused of not to get back at me or anything like that or not to seek another partner in her
life or anything like that It's because she enjoys talking to anyone And if I limit you know if this is the person I am the
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controlling oppressive person if I'm doing that if I'm limiting her in some way then that is controlling that is emotionally
abusive that is making her do what I want her to do regardless of how she feels about it And so why would she want to be with
me Why wouldn't she be more likely to find someone else someone that she feels comfortable with that makes her feel comfortable
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that makes her feel I'm going to manifest my own fear and make it occur I mean I may manifest my own fears and make what I
don't want to happen to happen We can do this We can do this in relationships especially So that's number two Number three
let's see what it says I've learned that honoring yourself in difficult conversations is possible without causing the negative
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consequences you might fear You can stand up for yourself and still survive the interactions I love the way these things are
worded So yes I of course honoring yourself in difficult conversations is possible without causing the negative consequences
you might fear I've said that when you can honor yourself without the fear of the consequences you actually live your most
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authentic life You live the way you want to live And this is saying that when I've done that in the past I have learned that
I can not only survive but going forward I feel like a totally different person because I survived that moment of honoring
myself which I feared For example standing up to my bosses in the past standing up to my alcoholic stepfather honoring myself
(10:06):
in situations that I believed would cause more problems in my life than solve or change And what honoring myself and saying
or doing what I wanted to say or do regardless of my fear of consequences I learned that my life always got better even if
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it got worse up front But it always got better because once I quote survived that moment of honoring myself you know being
who I really wanted to be saying what I really wanted to say then I went forward with this new tool This tool is basically
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a rise in my self esteem my self confidence and the ability to be myself and choose to be myself in front of people who may
not want me to be myself And that has changed my life So there's number three It's a good one I guess these are all good Number
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four I've learned that healing from relationship betrayal takes about six to 12 months And if after that time there's no improvement
both people may need to separate This is an interesting one I've learned this through others I don't feel like I've been betrayed
in a relationship but I have learned through others and in my experiences with others working with them clients couples that
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when somebody gets betrayed and that doesn't always mean just infidelity sometimes you get into a relationship and they become
hurtful or abusive that's a betrayal Because you are supposed to be with somebody that you love and trust and feel safe and
feel comfortable with And when they aren't that way and they become the opposite and they become hurtful and harmful that
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is a betrayal It is betraying the trust and feelings of security that the other person has and becoming someone that you weren't
in the beginning So when there's a betrayal in a relationship and then that person decides to not betray anymore decides to
change decides to heal this can happen If the person who was being harmful realizes they were being harmful and now decides
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that's not who I want to be anymore because that's awful I don't want to be that person anymore And they decide to change
And this depends on the length of relationship as well but typically years will go by when this happens But if it happens
if they decide to change and stop doing these hurtful behaviors then the victim of those hurtful behaviors it does take here's
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my timeline actually it takes about two to four months for the initial fog to lift for the victim of hurtful behaviors And
that fog is basically all the confusion and sadness and maybe anger and all the negative emotions and feelings and thoughts
that they've had over the years trying to get through the relationship That's all combined It's intertwined in there It's
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a toxic mess And so the victim of those behaviors after the hurtful behaviors stop it takes about two to four months for all
of that fog to lift so that they can start thinking their own thoughts without the good or bad influence of the other person
In other words they have to reconnect with themselves So somebody who's been through a lot of harm or trauma in a relationship
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typically depending on how bad the trauma was if it was a very violent thing it might take a lot more time But in a typical
like emotionally abusive relationship it's about two to four months for the victim of that abuse for that fog to lift for
them And once the fog lifts they can start thinking more clearly about who they are about what they want in their life because
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they haven't been able to think that way for a long time So there's the first part of the timeline the two to four months
And then it takes about two to six months and this is just averages but it takes about two to six months for the victim of
that kind of behavior to actually start healing the harm that was caused the emotional wounds that were caused because they
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have to reconnect with themselves They have to find some grounding in themselves because they've just been verbally or emotionally
pushed around a lot And grounding is just getting stable inside themselves So that can take up to six months And the healing
of all the wounding that took place the crushing of their self esteem the crushing of their confidence their self confidence
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their ability to make decisions the confusion that might still be in there that has to clear up the intuition that was affected
because they may have trusted themselves before and now they don't Trusting their own decisions all of that takes time to
heal So that can take a minimum sometimes of six months up to 12 months And the six to 12 month mark that I'm talking about
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is when the person who has done the hurtful behavior they want to reconcile They will not do the behaviors anymore And if
that's true if they really are showing signs of change which I've seen a lot in my Healed Being program if they show the signs
of change and they really are changing and what triggered them in the past no longer triggers them so that these behaviors
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aren't repeated and they want to reconcile does the victim want to reconcile Does the victim of that behavior want to reconcile
It really depends on if the victim of that behavior still has love in their heart If they have love in their heart then any
time beyond the two to four month period they're going to find that love As the fog lifts they'll be able to tell if they
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still have love in their heart for the other person Because some people will seal their heart shut and say no more you're
not coming in I'm not allowing you in my heart anymore You are locked out completely and permanently I'm throwing away the
key at least for you You're not coming back That can happen And often it takes time for the victim of that behavior to discover
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that they may not be in love anymore They may not have love for that person They may love them in a different way or whatever
but the in love feeling goes away and they seal their heart shut and they won't let the person back in And that's usually
after the fog lifts that they discover that But the fog can also lift and reveal that there is still love in their heart And
if that's the case as the victim of that behavior heals heals what happened and realizes that the other person has or is changing
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and they are now safe to be around they have to make decisions for themselves The victim has to make decisions for themselves
to decide to come back to the relationship or not and take another chance So if the love is still in their heart and they
see these changes and they've done some healing or a lot of healing so that if they decide to get back in the relationship
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because the love is still in their heart and they want to give it another chance because the good parts were really good and
the bad parts if they are really gone they want to see what it can be like If they go back into the relationship they have
to be grounded enough and stable enough in themselves so that if they start to see bad behavior again they know that they're
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not going to take that again They're not going to let that become a problem or a continuous problem in the relationship and
they're going to nip it in the bud right there and say nope this isn't going to happen If you're going to do this I'm leaving
I know some people are listening now saying well if they're hurting you you should never get back with them I understand that
You have every right to say that and I absolutely want the best for you And some relationships have gone on for a long time
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and there have been a lot of great times and then the other person the person being hurtful is operating on old traumas and
old coping mechanisms and they're doing things that are hurtful and they may or may not realize some of it's hurtful but either
way it has to stop and both people have to decide if they want the relationship again And so if the victim of that behavior
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still has love in their heart then the chance of reconciling is there but the victim has to reach that place of healing So
I don't want to get too deep into that I do talk about that in my healed being program and I talk about that in love and abuse
over at loveandabuse com my other podcast So you can learn more about that over there if you're interested But this number
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four I've learned that healing from a relationship betrayal typically takes about six to 12 months And if after that time
there's no improvement this is where the key of this comment or this lesson is both people may need to separate Which means
if after 12 months the victim of that behavior still doesn't feel love in their heart for them and has shown no signs of reconnection
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like touching the other person's shoulder or hand or giving them an extra long stare or having deeper conversations or sitting
with them on the couch if there's been some sort of change in the relationship like a separation for a while emotionally separating
or even physically separating for a while and you're still working on things together hoping to reconcile or at least one
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of you is hoping to reconcile and seeing where it goes the other person seeing where it goes if there's no sign of progress
within that six to 12 month period up to 12 months then there usually isn't after that So that's what that means If after
12 months there's still no forward progress still no signs of progress like reconnecting or little loving gestures or whatever
(20:39):
then there's usually no reconciliation There's no going back to a relationship from that point because sometimes the victim
of that behavior does not want to take a chance or they feel no love I mean they can still feel love but not want to take
the chance again So they move forward All right That was a good one Number five I've learned that obsessive thoughts are among
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the most difficult challenges to overcome And sometimes you need to push yourself to a deciding moment rather than staying
in the I don't know phase That is uh yeah Wow Obsessive thoughts I've talked about this I have like three or four episodes
on obsessive thinking Obsessive thinking is one of the hardest patterns of thought to stop and heal and get through I've worked
(21:41):
directly with clients who had obsessive thinking And no matter what I said no matter how much I guided them no matter how
many solutions I gave them no matter if I gave them the perfect formula to stop their obsessive thinking they could not and
would not stop And so I really had to reflect on what obsessive thinking is and how I have personally gotten past my own obsessive
(22:13):
thinking in the past and how um how it can just keep you in a rut practically indefinitely Just like it never goes away because
you're constantly obsessed And so obsessive thinking has been one of the most difficult topics uh I have ever addressed because
(22:34):
when you become fixated on something it's very difficult for anyone to come along and say Hey stop thinking about that or
think about it this way or here Um Hey I know you're obsessed about that and you will never ever take your mind off it but
here put your mind on this instead It might go there for a moment but then it goes right back So if you have obsessive thinking
(23:00):
I'm not going to address it now because it takes several episodes but go back into my archive go to the overwhelmed brain
com type in the word obsess and you will find episodes where I talked about obsessive thinking And um to explain what this
uh this comment is I've learned that obsessive thoughts are among the most difficult challenges to overcome covered that And
(23:25):
sometimes you need to push yourself to a deciding moment rather than staying in the I don't know phase So an I don't know
phase might be I don't know if we're going to get back together I don't know if I'm going to that job I don't know if I'm
going to um ever see that person again I don't know So I'm going to obsess A good example is after a breakup I want to get
(23:50):
back together I want to get back together So I'm going to uh cyber stock them and look at their social media I'm going to
obsess on their life as they move forward in their life And I stay here as they move forward in doing what they're doing in
life and meeting other people and having fun or even not having fun just moving along where I'm stuck in this rut thinking
(24:14):
about them moving along So this is how we can cause ourselves to stop And once we stop and start obsessing we stay stopped
We stay in that rut It's a hole and we just stay in that hole We keep ourselves in that hole because we keep checking their
social media and we keep checking our phone and we look for the possible reply to the text message or the fact that they read
(24:41):
it yet and obsess obsess obsess So when that happens the um comment that the AI said I have made is basically taking yourself
away from or out of the I don't know phase I don't know is I don't know if for example if they're coming back into my life
(25:02):
you take yourself out of that and say I know they aren't Once you say that once you accept a truth that you don't want to
accept you might say it's not a truth It may not be a truth but that becomes obsessive again So this is why I'm I believe
in absolutes at least with obsessive behaviors and obsessive thoughts If you go into an absolute from I don't know to I do
(25:28):
know you make that an absolute truth inside of you and you say I do know that and then you take it to the place you don't
want to take it I do know that they're not coming back That's how you get out of out of obsessive thinking And I just told
you in 10 seconds what um I had to explain in many hours of episodes So if that doesn't work for you go listen to those episodes
(25:57):
But you you have to tell yourself that this is the truth even if you don't know for sure this is the truth What I don't want
to happen is happening and I have to accept it And then once you do that the I don't know helpful. can disappear so that you
can get out of your obsessive thinking and move on with your life.
(26:17):
Because even if you're wrong, so what?
You're wrong, you deal with it when it changes. Oh, they did come back. Oh boy, I was wrong. I'm so mad at myself. No, this is okay. Great. We can try it again.
But if you're right, for example, they don't come back, then at least you've moved on with your life. Either way, it's a good thing. So then that's a tough one. Obsessions, very tough.
(26:41):
I actually don't like talking about it. So I want to move on. I don't like obsessing about obsessions.
Number six, I've learned to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily, particularly in service jobs,
and to treat them with kindness and recognition. What an interesting one.
(27:03):
I don't know if this is like a life lesson or not.
I've learned to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily.
So I think what it's trying to say here, because I don't think I've used these words, is that some people have a bad day.
And so you approach the cashier and they're just unhappy.
(27:24):
And I like to try to make people smile. I'll say something funny or whatever.
And sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
But this is actually a good reminder for me because we had a waitress at a restaurant a couple of weeks back who was just not happy and kind of miserable.
(27:48):
And believe me, I know that waiting tables is very much a miserable job for a lot of people. Some people love it.
I tried it one day, didn't love it, never did it again.
But I have a lot of respect for those people who I choose to go out, or my wife and I choose to go out and eat, and someone comes along and serves us. I think that is phenomenal. My hat's off to you.
(28:16):
If you serve people, you come to the table, you take our order, you take our attitudes, you take our personalities, and then
you have to carry the plates and you have to get things right.
And people are talking about you and talking to you all day long. Where's my server? Where are they? How come my water isn't filled?
(28:40):
How come I'm not getting a refill of my Coke or whatever?
And so you have to deal with a lot.
And so I have the utmost respect for servers, and I always treat them with respect.
And I always try to understand their plight. It's a hard job.
And so I do like getting a server who is authentic and trying to do their best.
(29:02):
But sometimes they're just miserable, and maybe that's authentic for them too.
And when they're miserable, it doesn't really help me have a better experience.
And I always remember, hey, I'm going to try to make this person smile.
But I have to remember, again, this is a good reminder for me, I have to remember that, oh, God, you know, they may be dealing with a lot.
(29:24):
Maybe they did have just a bad day.
Maybe they don't want to be a server.
Maybe they don't want to deal with the psychology of all these people without being a therapist.
But they're just waiting tables, and it's a difficult thing, and they don't want to do it.
It's a lot of physical work, a lot of mental work to memorize all these tables and what people want.
(29:46):
And so I have to remind myself that when they're having a bad day, it may not be that they're that kind of person.
It just may be that they're having a bad day.
It reminds me of, what's that old, was it Brian Tracy?
Something about the seven habits, seven habits of highly successful people.
I think his story was, you know, I was on the train, and this woman was letting her kids run around, and I was really upset.
(30:11):
I was really irritated and annoyed that she let her kids run around.
But then it turned out that her dad died that day or something like that, and he suddenly felt sympathetic and maybe even
empathetic for her because she's letting her kids have fun while she's trying to process and grieve her family death or whatever.
(30:33):
I forget We have these perspectives of people that may not be true of who they really are. So I think this helps.
I think learning to approach people with an awareness of what they experience daily, and for some reason it says, particularly in service jobs.
So I guess service jobs are the frontline jobs, right?
(30:53):
They're the hard stuff that they have to deal with our psychology, or you have to deal with people's psychology when you are in any type of frontline job.
I remember being a computer repair technician a long time ago, and when you are dealing with people who have a broken computer, they can be very upset.
(31:16):
And you have to be their therapist and their computer repair technician to help them get through the upset. And it can be tough.
It can be a lot of stress on a person to be those roles or to do those roles.
But to understand their plight, like all my data, all my pictures, everything is on my computer.
(31:39):
It can be hard to sympathize while you're trying to deal with their emotions, but it is a good reminder. So I like that one.
I probably wouldn't put on a life lessons list that really changed my life, but it is helpful. Number seven, we're almost there.
I've learned that our coping mechanisms from childhood often become our default behaviors as adults when facing challenges or difficult conversations. This is absolutely true.
(32:11):
How we cope or how we learn to cope and survive as a child turns into how we behave in relationships later on in life.
A good example is I used to cope with my stepfather's violent alcoholic behavior by hiding, by staying silent, by not speaking up.
(32:34):
And so later on, I brought that into my relationships and it became a wonderful dysfunction that really interfered with love and connection. I'm being sarcastic. It wasn't wonderful.
It was terrible because I became a people pleaser and nobody could see the real me.
They never met the real me because I always adapted.
I was a chameleon because I didn't want to incite drunk dad behavior.
(32:58):
And I took that learning, those lessons that I pretty much made up as a child from my child brain and thought, this is how you operate in the world.
I took those childhood coping mechanisms and they turned into adult dysfunctions.
And, um, they worked as a child.
They don't work as, uh, when we're adults.
(33:20):
When I got into romantic relationships, like my first romantic relationship as a teenager, I was jealous. I was clingy. I was possessive. I was critical.
I had all these behaviors that did stem from how I used to cope, how I used to deal with things.
And, um, those coping mechanisms turn into how we can change others or change our environment to make us feel more comfortable.
(33:49):
That is a big component of the healed being program that I run for those doing emotionally abusive behaviors.
And they want to change is we have to look at those coping mechanisms.
We have to look at, uh, what we quote survived as a kid, because we think we're going to get hurt or die.
At least that's our extremist thoughts that occur when we're children and, um, how we survived turn into how we cope today, how we deal with challenges.
(34:18):
So if you are unintentionally or intentionally hurting someone that you care about, it's usually because of something you
learned as a child that you took into your adult relationships and you believe this is how you're supposed to be.
This is how you're supposed to act.
And so, yeah, our coping mechanisms from childhood often become our default behaviors as adults when facing challenges or difficult conversations.
(34:43):
Number eight, I've learned to consider how someone shows up today rather than judging them for their past, as we can always
find something to judge in anyone's history. Okay.
Well, that's very close to what number was that?
It was both number one and two.
One was I've learned that when you create a safe space for someone to express them, express themselves without fear of judgment
(35:06):
or consequences, they're more likely to tell the truth and share what's really on their mind.
And number two is I've learned that continually obsessing about who someone was in their past prevents them from being who they are with you today.
So number, and it goes on, but number eight is I've learned to someone shows up today rather than judging them for their past,
as we can always find something to judge in anyone's history. Yeah, you're right, Paul. You're right. This is so true.
(35:36):
When I was married, my, my previous marriage, I judged her past very strongly in the,
in the myself. And I judged her for what she did, the behaviors that she had in her past. And it was wrong.
(35:58):
It was wrong to do because the past is the past.
And it took that marriage in her specifically to teach me that we are not our past.
We are the person that we show up as today.
And so if I have a past that bothers you, which it might to some people listening, then I hope that you can hear me today and make a judgment. I don't care.
(36:28):
Make a judgment, make a judgment about me today and not who I was. I've learned from my past.
I've learned to heal and grow and evolve and become someone that is not that person anymore.
I am proud of the changes I have made in my life and will continue to work on myself, continuing to make changes.
(36:51):
And when you meet someone who has a past that you can't agree with, my suggestion is to judge them for who they are now, who they are today.
Now, this doesn't mean that if they did something so heinous that it can't bypass your values and it can't bypass your morals
(37:12):
that you have to be friends with them. You don't have to.
You can choose somebody else to be friends with.
You can choose not to be around that person.
But the concept is to not define someone for who they were.
It's to define someone for who they are.
So you can still have, in my opinion, you can still judge, if you want, someone's past because it was just too heinous or too immoral to get past.
(37:40):
But if they are a different person today and they aren't doing what they used to do and you can find a way to maybe get past
their past, then maybe you can have something because you're so focused on who they are today. I mean, that gets deep.
We can talk about people's past and how some people may not ever change, but if they are different today, that's a different story.
(38:02):
But again, there are people who might tell me, well, I was married to a narcissist and they will never change.
And that may be true for that person. Maybe.
So I'm not here to say that everybody can change.
I'm just here to say that it's important that we don't, here's that word again, obsess about someone's past if how they're
(38:26):
showing up today and how they continue to show up is a lot different than who they were.
So I think that's a good lesson.
I still think you should be skeptical.
I still think you should have what I call your kind of your emotional guard tower up that watches over you.
(38:46):
Somebody that, you know, something inside you that takes care of you and watches over is the skeptical observer.
So that when you're in a situation or relationship with anyone, you can still have one eye open just to make sure things are
going well until enough time passes where you can say, no, this is good. They're good. They're not that person anymore.
(39:09):
And I don't see the old version of them at all.
It could take a while for you, or maybe you can tell right away, but I'm okay with skepticism because I think we all need to be challenged. Oh, you're not that person anymore. I'm not. Okay.
I'm going to challenge you right now. Oh, okay. Well, let's see where this goes. And I think that's okay. All right. Let me get to number nine. This one's about infidelity.
(39:37):
I've learned that when dealing with infidelity, there needs to be a period where the victim of that infidelity can express and vent their feelings to heal. But this process can't continue indefinitely.
Well, this is a little controversial, but yes, when I have talked about infidelity in the past, if the infidel, the one who
(40:00):
cheated, is truly sorry, knows they made a mistake, feels guilty, feels shame, and commits to themselves and to the other
person that they will never, ever do that thing again.
And the victim of that infidelity wants to work on the relationship and wants to change how things have been because how things
(40:24):
were clearly wasn't working if there was infidelity.
So now there needs to be more transparency.
Now there needs to be full honesty, full expression of self, and a lot of other things that need to work if there's been infidelity in a relationship.
If there is a chance of reconciliation or getting closer again after infidelity, then there's a point where the victim of
(40:50):
the infidelity, during this period of healing and working things out, the initial moment or stages after the infidelity is
discovered, there's going to be a lot of probably anger and upset.
There's going to be a lot of confusion. Everything has to be processed.
(41:10):
But then I'm going to give you another timeline example. It's the same thing.
Up to a year, the victim of that infidelity can express and vent their feelings in any way they want. It can go past a year.
I'm not giving that as a deadline.
I'm saying that during that year, the victim should be allowed to say anything they want, express the pain and the hurt because infidelity hurts.
(41:38):
Betrayal is one of the most painful processes anyone can go through next to losing a child.
And so when somebody finds out that their partner has been cheating on them, that betrayal is so powerful.
It's like I talked about in an article I wrote once where you trust somebody with your heart.
(41:59):
You hand it to them and say, I trust you with this organ, this important organ inside my body. I'm giving it to you.
I want you to treat it with care and kindness and protect it at all costs.
And when somebody cheats, it's like they take that heart and on the way to the other person, they throw it on the street and
(42:23):
it rolls and collects leaves and dirt.
And now it's just sitting there unprotected on the side of the and then they come back and pick up the heart and wipe it off.
And then they show you I've taken care of it.
I know that's an awful, awful visual, but that's what it can feel like for many people.
It's like, I trusted you with this and you did this to my heart.
(42:47):
I mean, if you did this to my heart, how can I trust you ever again?
And so healing from infidelity is a massive undertaking and it can take a minimum of a year to get through all the feelings
and thoughts and starting to build the trust and feeling secure in the relationship again, if those two people want to work that out.
(43:11):
And so I do talk about that in the article I wrote called healing from infidelity.
I forget what it's called, but if you go to the overwhelmedbrain.com and type in the I think it's called healing from infidelity and also a warning sign. Damn it. I can't forget.
(43:32):
I can't remember what I called it.
I wrote it back in 2017 or something, but you'll find it.
Look for the keyword infidelity and you'll find it.
But what this lesson is saying is that there needs to be a period where the victim can express and vent their feelings.
And that period may last a year or longer.
(43:53):
But just like I said earlier, if that never wanes, if the expressing and the anger, if that never decreases throughout the
year and there's no sign of little bits of love and connection returning, then typically after the year, after that has taken
(44:14):
place, if there's no tiny little signs of forward progress in the relationship, there usually won't be.
Now with infidelity, it can take longer for sure.
They can take years to heal and trust again, but there should be signs of forward momentum in the relationship.
If reconciliation is on the table, if reconciliation is on the table, and then there will be little signs of connection.
(44:39):
And that's usually how you can tell it's going in a good direction.
At least if reconciliation is on the table.
But this is a very deep subject.
I get into it a lot more in more detail.
I don't want to gloss over any of those details because I know this can mean so much.
This has such a massive impact in a relationship that you can feel so betrayed or if you are the betrayer and you do regret
(45:07):
it, you can feel so much shame and guilt.
And I'm not giving a pass to the betrayer, but I'm saying when there has been this to break the contract, the relationship
contract that you make with another person saying, I'll be loyal and dedicated to you.
When that's broken, when that trust is gone, if there is to be another relationship, a healing process has to take place.
(45:34):
So in a nutshell, this lesson tells us that when you've been the victim of infidelity, you have every right to just pull your
hair out and scream and cry and tell the other person how terrible they are and what they did to you for as long as you want.
But there is a point where if you're going to reconcile, if the relationship is going to work, then that kind of needs to decrease.
(46:06):
I'm not saying you have to, you don't have to, but if you do want bonding again, then there is a point where that needs to decrease.
So I'm not particularly fond that this is in our list of 10 because this is such a deep subject that can go or should go into a deeper conversation.
So I'm just going to leave that there.
(46:28):
We can talk about that in another episode, which we have, but we'll just leave that there.
And the reason I believe that it was on the list is that if you choose to heal the relationship and reconcile with the person
that was the betrayer, then it just has to be known that reconciliation is usually only more likely if the upset and anger
(46:55):
and anguish and all the feelings that you have decrease over time instead of stay the same.
So, and if they stay the same, you have every right to leave the relationship and say, I just can't get over it.
So I'm not trying to take that away from anyone, but I am saying that if reconciliation is to occur in a relationship with
infidelity, I'll repeat myself, then that stuff needs to decrease over time and it could take a year or more. So there's that.
(47:23):
Let's go to the final one, which is number 10, which is I've learned that forgiveness isn't necessarily about the other person.
It's about forgiving yourself for not being able to show up the way you wanted in difficult situations.
This helps release the tethers that keep you connected to painful experiences.
(47:43):
This is such a good one to end with.
The chatbot actually wrote later, it said, this lesson appears in your content about forgiveness, where you explain that you
never formally forgave your stepfather for his abuse, but you were able to release the pain by forgiving yourself for not
being able to respond differently at the time. I love this one.
(48:07):
I think this is a great, great lesson to end on because forgiveness, in my opinion today, is about the other person.
Some people will say you should forgive.
I say that we can tend to think about what happened and blame ourselves in a small way or in a big way, telling ourselves
(48:28):
that we should have done something differently.
Like saying, I should have done this. Or why did I do that?
And we put ourselves down and we give ourselves an emotional bashing for not having the tools or the resources back then that we didn't have.
Otherwise, we would have made a different decision.
(48:50):
So, we shouldn't put ourselves down for how we didn't show up in the past.
And we should forgive ourselves for not being the person that we are today. Because we weren't. We weren't that person.
I like to say, I forgive myself a break.
Give yourself a break for how things went down and how you believe you should have shown up differently.
(49:15):
I see this a lot in relationships.
I see this a lot, unfortunately, where children have suffered serious trauma from adults, abuse, sexual abuse, whatever.
And they can look back in the past and some of them blame themselves and they feel shame for what somebody else did to them.
(49:36):
And another deep subject, we can talk about that another episode.
But the shame or the feelings of guilt that someone can feel about someone doing something to you, that is why I believe in self-forgiveness.
Not that you have to forgive yourself for anything you did wrong, but to forgive yourself for anything you believe you could have done better.
(50:02):
And that's how I see my past.
I look at the times that I could have made different decisions. But you know what? I give myself a break.
I forgive you, Paul, because you didn't have the tools and the resources that you have today. You didn't have the knowledge.
You didn't have the boundaries that you honor today.
You didn't know enough to do what you needed to do and say what you needed to say back then. You weren't that person.
(50:30):
And you could never be that person.
So I forgive you for not being able to do what you would absolutely do differently today because you weren't that person. I love ending on this note.
It is a way to tell yourself that you are not to blame for what other people did to you.
(50:53):
And those people, you can choose to forgive those people or not.
But I want to make sure that you absolutely forgive yourself for not being able to or not having the capability or not having
the knowledge to either stand up for yourself, do something differently, say something different, whatever it was, forgive yourself.
(51:14):
Because who you were isn't who you are today.
And if you look at the past or your past self from this perspective of you today, then your perception is a little skewed
because you are projecting who you are today onto who you were, which doesn't apply.
(51:35):
So forgive yourself a break because you weren't the person you are now. And that's okay. This is how we learn. This is how we grow.
This is how we evolve into the best version of ourselves and always trying to get better, always trying to show up in a better,
smarter, healthier way because we are learning from our past.
(51:58):
That's a great way to end today's episode. So let's do that.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I hope you got something from today.
I want to thank the patrons who give monthly, people like Maria and Dilek and Heather and Christie and so many others that value the show and give back.
And I am very grateful for all of you.
(52:18):
If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you patrons. I appreciate all of you.
And if you're looking for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
If you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal and change
(52:43):
and become the best version of themselves for themselves and in relationships over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
You can consider this one number 11.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
(53:05):
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing.
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