Bonesaw Vic's Cryptzoologocal Gardens: The Ambassador by (9/?)

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
As you might recall, Vic had taken upon himself to
nominate me for the temporary position of zoo Ambassador. The
ambassador was essentially a glorified production assistant for the film
crew that was working on Vic's brainchild, a documentary style
film that was destined for secret and ultra expensive screenings

(00:23):
around the world. Vick had named this ambitious project bon
Saw Vick's Cryptozoological Gardens the movie. I was chosen for
this task for one very specific reason. I was the
only member of the caretaker staff who was even remotely
suitable for a role in customer service. Everyone else was

(00:46):
either a krusty ex soldier or a rough looking character
from the depths of Victor Bonchelli's underworld Empire. To be fair,
I wasn't exactly an angel myself. That was one of
the reasons why Vic hired me in the first place.
But I was a hardened criminal either, not by a
long shot. I was just very unlucky on a few occasions,
and now I had a record. Of course, a lowly

(01:10):
caretaker's assistant would never be allowed to run the show
by themselves. Kaz was still recovering from our encounter with
Harry the sasquatch, so Vic chose Esmerelda to be his replacement.
Let me tell you something, folks, I was not looking
forward to working with this lady. Esmerelda could best be
described as a storm cloud on legs. She was crass,

(01:31):
extremely rude, and she displayed an open contempt for anyone
who wasn't a cold blooded killer, just like Kazimir. Esmerelda
was an ex mercenary who had served in the personal
armies of dictators and drug lords. She was well over
six feet tall and she was a dedicated weightlifter. I
honestly don't know if she was taking performance enhancing drugs

(01:52):
or not, but this gal was fucking jacked between her
towering height and bulging muscles in thinly veiled aggression, she
was a very intimidating figure. Long story short, my new
partner was dangerous and she didn't like me at all.
Not an ideal situation. Vick claimed that she was actually

(02:14):
very fond of me, but this was a straight up lie.
As Maralda hated my guts. She thought I was a
useless dirt bag, just a stereotypical slacker with no inherent worth.
She would tolerate my existence whenever we crossed paths at
shift change. But that was all as far as as
Maralda was concerned. I simply wasn't her kind of person.

(02:37):
She wasn't exactly wrong with this assessment of my character,
especially when I first started working at the Zoo, but
I'd been through a lot of crazy shit since then,
and I mean a lot. It was starting to change me.
For the first time in my life, I was actively
trying to better myself. I wasn't getting high anymore. That
was also making an effort to cut most of the

(02:57):
junk out of my diet. I shelled out some decent
money for a membership at a health club, and I
was working out at least three days a week. At
this point, it starting to pay off. I wasn't a
combat machine with a body made of iron, but I
mean I wasn't soft anymore either. I mean, give some
credit where credits due. Anyway, my new role at the
Zoo had me at the beck and call the famous

(03:19):
film director Nick McKnight. Nick was charming, personable on the surface,
but beneath his deeply tanned veneer of humanity, he was
made out of plastic. That's the only way I could
describe it. He was a sociopathic ken doll with a
plastic personality and a plastic smile. Beneath the warm twinkle
in his eyes, his gaze was flat and dead. Nick

(03:43):
McKnight didn't care about anyone except Nick McKnight. As I
had predicted, the bullshit started right off the bat. When
I ran into Esmarelda in front of the changing rooms,
she gave me a surly look and grunted, listen up, pearl, jam,
I'm not going to do a damn thing for these
people except keep them alive. All the rest of this
horseshit is squarely on you, little fella. Don't ask me

(04:05):
for any help, because the answer is no. I helped
my temperature start to rise, but I held my tongue.
I wouldn't let her belligerent attitude get to me. Forced
to smile and said, no one in their right mind
would ever want to work with the public, so don't
worry about it. I'll do just fine, as Merla smirked
at my weak attempt at a subtle comeback. There you go.

(04:28):
That's the spirit, my flannel wearing friend. Oh shit, do
you hear what happened on the weekend? Our friend across
the pond killed one of the tour guides. She got
hacked into a zillion pieces. The tour guides ran the
more glamorous side of Vick's operation. Their job was to
deal directly with the visitors. If the zoo was a restaurant,
the tour guides would be in front of the house

(04:48):
and the caretakers would be slaving away back in the kitchen.
I'd never personally seen any of them before, but according
to Kasimir, they all looked like fashion models. The unfortunate
victim in question was a girl named Sarah. Her landlady
called the cops after she heard her tenants screaming in
her downstairs apartment. She had been murdered with one of
her own steak knives. The murderer had dipped a finger

(05:10):
in her blood and written on the wall, you will
all die. The cops also discovered a second body on
the scene. This one was a man, and he'd already
been dead for at least a couple of days. The
body was in the early stages of decomposition. He was
dressed in a black robe, and he was soaked with
Sarah's blood. The murder weapon was locked in the grasp

(05:32):
of his blotchy, bloated hand. I winced at this image
and said, five has to do something about this dawn
of Damascus. Guy. We're all in danger. I mean, I
was almost the words stalled on my tongue. Then I
promptly shut my mouth. I was about to say that
I had almost been killed during my other encounter with

(05:53):
the Necromancer's reanimated minions, but no one could know about that.
For our safety, that incident had to stay between me
and kaz As Marelda poked me in the chest and asked,
you're almost what, billy, they'll leave me hanging? I replied, nothing,
never mind here, just give me a minute to get changed, okay,
and then we'll meet up with the film crew. Nick

(06:15):
McKnight apparently had a prior obligation that evening, so I'd
be dealing with his assistant director instead. Her name was Rachel,
and she was absolutely dreadful. I stepped forward to greet her,
and she stared at my extended hand like it was
covered in shit. She put her hands on her narrow
hips and demanded what happened to the coffee munks. I

(06:36):
gave her a blank stare and then turned to as Marelda.
Before I could speak, she pointed at me and sneered,
don't look over here, Billy, bong water. My job is
to scrape up the mess when the vampire eat someone,
it's bound to happen at some point. I mean, look
at these people. Someone's got to die for sure. I
made a shushing motion at her, and then I gave
Rachel an embarrassed grin. Victor had taken great care to
stress the importance of keeping his film crew happy. His

(06:57):
exact words were, stroke dairy, carry their water, and give
them whatever they want. These guys need anything at all.
You run over the security. You tell them about it
right away. They want a bunch of late night pieces
and a shitload of garlic bread. Hell yeah, it's on
the house. They need more film equipment, absolutely, monster truck,
the freakin' zebra. I don't care what it is. Answers, yes,

(07:18):
just go tell security. I'll take care of the rest.
Victor speared me with a heavy lighted stare and rumbled, Billy,
we keep these people happy my movie. He'll be a
freaking masterpiece. But they ain't happy. Maybe it won't be
a masterpiece. Maybe maybe it'll just be a piece of shit.
I got a load of cheddar writing on this baby.
If it turns out no fucking good, I'm gonna lose

(07:40):
my shit, capieche Keep them happy, do what they want,
Do it with a smile. With fixed words echoing in
my head. I leaned close to as Morelda and whispered,
please don't say stuff like that and write to their faces. Okay,
this is not good public relations. Asmrelda whispered back, I
don't of a shit. Rachel's eyes went wide behind her

(08:03):
horn rimmed glasses. I held up my hands and gasped
as a bild might be a bit rough around the edges,
but she's a top notch caretaker. You're in really good
hands tonight. Anyway. Uh, what are you saying just now?
Something about coffee mugs. Rachel led out an exasperated sigh
and said, yes, the coffee mugs. They were supposed to
be waiting for us in Victor's lounge. We were supposed

(08:25):
to receive one branded coffee mug, each, preferably in a
neutral color. How are we supposed to drink our coffee? Now?
This is unacceptable, I stammered, Oh uh, well, I guess
that was you know, miscommunication on my end. I'll ask
security about it, and in the meantime I can go
grab a pack of styrofoam cups from the employee break room.
Will that be okay? In a stiff tone, she responded,

(08:48):
I suppose it'll have to be okay, won't it. I
was assured you would be both attentive and professional, but
this is neither attentive nor is it professional, duly noted
mister Bongwater. I'll be sure to mention this to Victor
in the morning. I was annoyed with being referred too
as bong water, and I started to correct her, but

(09:08):
then I realized whitebread isn't really much better. Without context,
both names were equally stupid. I gave Esmureld a bewildered look,
and her lips twitched in a smug, little grin. She said,
I don't look over here, and wandered away, humming to
herself as she pretended to admire the enormous statue of
the hydra that dominated the lobby. Her job was to

(09:31):
keep the critters in line, and my job was to
suffer this awful lady and her unreasonable demands. Rachel clapped
her hands together and said, well, let's get on with it, Ashley,
Can I please see the yes? Thank you you can.
I have everyone's attention you too, please, Hey you, I'm
talking to you. What's your name again? Without turning around,

(09:54):
as Marilda said, I can hear you if I'm not
looking at you, sit and hearing work independently from each
other and answer your question. You can call me either
sir or boss, just like a prison guard. Because this
place is a prison and our inmates are very fucking dangerous.
Do we understand each other? There was an awkward silence
as Rachel struggled to think of a reply. She clearly

(10:16):
wanted to challenge the hulking caretaker on her choice of words,
but she was rightfully afraid to try. Finally, she murmured, yes,
I see, duly noticed, sir. Anyway, hello, people, listen up.
We're working with the leprechaun tonight. Does everyone know what
they did? Okay? I see you all nodding your head,
so I'm assuming no one has any questions? No, good, okay,

(10:39):
then let's get started. Hesitantly, I waved my hand in
the air to get her attention. Rachel glared at me
and snapped, yes, mister bongwater, how can I help you? Uh,
sorry to interrupts, but I don't know if it's a
great idea. Leprechaun is in early to bed, early to
rise kind of guy. He's usually up around five thirty
or so. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but

(11:00):
I think you should film somewhere else until he gets
out of bed. He's not gonna be very happy about
having company at this time of night. Rachel snapped, his
habits are irrelevant to our schedule. He'll have to suck
it up for a night and be cooperative. Faintly, I murmured,
got okay, let's go. I already knew this was going
to be a massive shit show. These people didn't know

(11:22):
what they were about to walk into, but they were
certainly gonna find out. Dara O'Shaughnessy was several thousand years old.
At this stage of his life, he was absolutely unwilling
to suffer the company of fools. This would be a

(11:44):
reasonable stance, I suppose, except he believed everyone else on
the planet was one of the aforementioned fools. He was
also a creature of habit with a very structured routine.
After a hard day of eating snacks, gloating over his
treasure and dreaming up new insults for the caretaker. He'd
sit down at exactly six pm to get shit faced
on whiskey. He was out like a light by nine

(12:05):
point thirty every night. I tried once more to explain
this to Rachel, but she was barely even listening. I
strongly suggested it would be prudent to sweeten his mood
with an offering of gold, and I was rudely dismissed.
I simply didn't understand her method. She flapped a hand
at me and said, thanks, but no more input from you,
mister Bongwater. Just open the door times money. Darre's reaction

(12:29):
was predictable. The Leprechaun came storming out of his earthen
mound in a long night shirt and a matching cap,
blinking in confusion at the lights and the cameras. He
glared at me and demanded, what's all this? Who are
these people and what are they doing here? I held
out my hands and stammered, I'm really sorry about this. Look,
these folks are here to film a movie about the zoo.

(12:50):
Unfortunately they have to work at night because it's a secret.
But hey, I mean you're gonna be in a movie.
That's exciting, right. The leprechaun shouted, what the blue hell
is a movie? What are they have to do when
I'm sleeping off my whiskey? Now you touched the head.
Not exciting, it's fucking outrageous, That's what it is. I
begged him to pipe down and cooperate, just for one night.

(13:11):
He bawled up his hairy little fists and bellowed, no,
you can, old fuck off out the door. He turned
to the crew and yelled, be gone, your filthy dogs.
Come back at a decent hour, and next time come
a gold in your pocket. Throw bugger off. Rachel rolled
her eyes and motioned at one of the cameramen. He
stepped forward and in a painfully condescending tone, he said,

(13:32):
calm down, little man. We have an important job to do,
and we're going to get it done one way or another.
Don't be difficult. Darrow stabbed him with a furious glare,
and then he growled, little man, he's it. I'm no
man of any kind, slap jog sheep shagging half wit.
I'm Daryl O'Shaughnessy of Klon O Shaughnessy's son, of Karmak

(13:55):
and I'm on leprecun. Oh bloody hell, I'll show you
what I am. I'll show you. The leprechaun abruptly cleared
the considerable distance between them with a single hop, and
he kicked the dude in the shin with tremendous force.
The camera operator shrieked in pain and toppled to the floor,
clutching his shin with both hands. Darrow pointed at the
rest of them and screamed, pigon, it's the middle of

(14:16):
the night, you shudden foolscut. I looked at Esmeerlda for help.
She was too busy, laughing her ass off. I groaned,
Oh God, damn it. I scrambled to restrain the furious leprechaun,
who was now advancing on the boom operator in a
Victorian boxing stance. I grabbed him in a bear hug
and lifted him off his feet, grunting with effort that

(14:36):
it took to haul him into the air. Darrow was
only three feet tall in his buckled shoes, but he
was incredibly heavy. It was like picking up a bag
of grain feet, except the bag was thrashing around the
strength of a python. Darro screeched, give me a mongrel.
Then he tried to ram the back of his head
into my teeth. His nightcap fell off, revealing an island
of pink scalp in a sparse ocean of red hair.

(15:00):
He braced his feet against my stomach and pushed with
both legs, trying to launch himself out of my arms.
I crushed him even tighter against me, and I yelled
for everyone to clear out. Dara panted release me. I'll
give you a terrible hiding. Fancy lad, I'll give you
all a terrible hiding doubt out Esmerelda was still laughing
as she herded the crew back into the service tunnel.

(15:20):
When the pneumatic locks clunked into place behind them, I
dropped Darrel on to the floor and jumped backwards, narrowly
avoiding a swift punch in the balls. The leprechaun glowered
at me from beneath his bushy eyebrows and growled, don't
you ever get in my road when I'm spoiling for
a fight, you lucky. I left my chilleyley inside. I'll
cratch your skull and release all the hot air. I

(15:42):
exhaled heavily and rubbed my temples. I can feel one
of my headaches coming on. Great, just wonderful. I sat
down on a log and sighed, Look, you don't need
to understand what's happening, and you don't need to like it.
Vic wants it to happen, and that's all you need
to know. He's going to be real fucking mad if
you don't cooperate tonight. You gotta let him come in

(16:03):
here and do their thing. If you don't, you'll be
answering to Vic and his goon squad in the morning.
Dara's anger quickly evaporated. He has to worried look at
the entrance door and murmured, he can be very cruel.
That man has no remorse in his heart, none at all. Fine,
bring them back in, but I won't apologize for kicking

(16:24):
that asshole in the leg. He was asking for it.
Once we got the film crew back inside, I approached
as Marelda as meekly as possible. She raised an eyebrow
at me and grunted what. I asked, quietly, Can I
Can I talk to you for a second? So she
said nope and strolled away to the other side of
the habitat. I watched her go with a sinking feeling

(16:46):
in my gut. Between her and Rachel, it was going
to be a very long night. I whispered to myself, Nah,
fuck that, and I followed after her. I looked her
in the eye and said, no, for real, we need
to talk for a minute. Come on. I wheeled around
and headed for the exit, to my great relief, as
Marelda followed me outside, she folded her arms and barked,

(17:08):
what do you want, mister assertive? I'm listening, I said, Look,
I know you don't like me very much. That's fine.
You don't have to like me. But we're gonna be
partners for a while, right, So let's just you know,
let's be partners. We need to look out for each other.
We need to help each other, you know, partner stuff.
You got what I mean? As Marelda looked amused, You're right,

(17:31):
I don't like you, but that doesn't mean I won't
do my job. I knew the Leprechaun wasn't going to
hurt anyone. I mean, I like, seriously hurt them. He's
smart enough to understand the consequences. I won't let anyone
die here, including you, so relax, I uttered, a morbid
chuckle and applied, I don't think they'll be able to
save me from Vic, she snickered. Relax, he'll be fine.

(17:54):
Vic has really mellowed out over the years. He almost
always gives people a second chance before he pulls the trigger.
He's in the right mood, he can be a saint.
But if he's in the wrong mood, well just mind yourself.
That's all. As long as he sees you as an asset,
you've got nothing to worry about. As Marelda patted me
on the head, he'll be fine, little bukaroo. I promise

(18:16):
I'll have your back if shit hits the fan. But
that's who it ends, because I don't fucking like you.
She paused to look at me as she opened the door.
Remember there are far worse places than the zoo, and
there are far worse people than VIC. Believe me, I've
been to some of those places, and I've known some
of those people. This is a good job. All you

(18:38):
have to do is stay alert, go at the flow,
do your time, don't become monster food, and make your
money easy. Peasy billy boy. She gave me a light
push towards the hall and said, go fetch that mouth,
he bitch or coffee munks. If she gives me a
hard time, I'll knock the taste out of her mouth.
All this wonderful image made me smile to myself, glasp

(19:00):
my hands together and pleaded, don't do that. Okay, I mean,
I get it, but please don't don't tell me what
to do. Go get the fucking coffee mikes. Hurry up
that trip. I'll be quick as a bunny. And thank
you so much for listening. I'm glad that we had
a chance to hash this out. As Merelda curled the
lip at me, fuck off, dork. Why do you talk
like that. You sound like a pussy. I swear your

(19:21):
voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She stormed into
the habitat, leaving me to stand there with a hurt
look on my face. I muttered to myself, go with
the flow and hurried to the exit at the end
of the tunnel. I couldn't leave her alone with a
crew for too long. Someone might get hurt and I'd
be be unfortunate sold to take the blame. Zoo ambassador
was just a fancy term for scapegoat. If anything went wrong,

(19:45):
I'd be on the hook, and that hook would probably
be a meat hook suspending from the ceiling of an
abandoned warehouse. Well thanks, I was gonna be the best
damn zoo ambassador that Vic could ever hope for. Obtaining
the hypothetical coffee mugs turned into another cluster fock situation.

(20:08):
The security guns had no idea what I was talking about.
They just shrugged and told me to buzz off. Against
my better judgment, I demanded they give Vic a call
at home. I didn't want to wake him up, but
I had to cover my own ass. Vic was sleepy, irritable,
and at least half in the bag. A security guard
who made the call said, we have no idea what
he's talking about. Boss here, I'll put you on speakerphone.

(20:29):
You're gonna ask him yourself. He pushed a button and
Vic's slurred voice filled the security office. He growled, what
the fuck is going on over there? Coffee mugs? Ain
got no fucking coffee mugs as broad things. She is
a Sears outlet. As something, I stammered, she seems to
think that you're the one who brought it up. Thick snorted,

(20:49):
what she's on crack? I didn't say nothing. About no
coffee mugs. This lady must have been a whack job
as something, because I never mentioned nothing but brail off slowly.
He said, Hey, you know what not a bad idea?
A gift shot with branded merchandise bones, aw vicks, T shirts, hats, calendar,

(21:11):
stuffed animals. Yeah, even the frigging coffee mugs. Damn right,
freaking coffee mugs. Forty bucks apiece. You can make it
so you gotta walk through the gift shop and get
back to the lobby, shake them down one last time
where they leave. That's a great freaking idea. Can't believe
I never thought of that before. The security guard said, yeah,
it's a good one for sure. But what are you
gonna do about? You know, current situation? Lady wants some mugs,

(21:36):
Vic grunted. What do you think I'm gonna do? She
wants some mugs. We'll get us some mugs. You're still there, billy, Okay,
listen up. I'll make a few phone calls sort this out.
There'll be a guy coming to drop them off in say,
an hour or so. They won't have the name of
the zoo printing on him, nothing like that, but I'll
make sure they're real nice coffee mugs, good quality. We
gotta keep those people happy, right. I felt relief wash

(21:58):
over my body like a cool blue wave. I said, yes, sir, absolutely,
thank you, Vic, Sorry for waking you up. He's like, yeah,
I don't worry about it. I'll party running into business. Hell,
just last week I got a call at six am
by the busted pipe the dealership. The restroom was completely flooded,
water damage. Forget about it, huge friggin mess. I'll tell you.

(22:19):
A faint voice murmured something in the background. Vic said, now, yeah,
give me a second, gentleman. There's a rustling sound, and
he cupped his hand over the phone. We could hear
Vick's muffled voice call out, Yeah, I'll come back to
bed soon, baby nice, It's all good. He ain't got
no way. He returned his attention to the phone and said, anyway,

(22:39):
gonna make some calls over here. Tell that Rachel Broad
It is all my fault that I'm sorry. Hope she'll
accept these other ones as an apology. Thing is I
don't damn well, I ain't saying nothing by the coffee
mounks for what heaven don't matter. Hey, I might pop
in tomorrow night and see how it's going on. Maybe
I'll catch you later. The line went dead and security
coon punched another button down the He jabbed a finger

(23:01):
at me and sneered, don't forget to come back here
and grab him. Don't lose jacket time. I held my
tongue and nodded an agreement. The various thugs Vic employed
as his security team all had something in common. They
all hated me. Every single one of them wanted to
punch my face into oblivion. Normally I tried to interact

(23:22):
with them as infrequently as possible, but my new role
as zoo ambassador was making it very difficult. When I
got back, Darro was dressed in his finest clothes and
he was regaling the film crew with probably fabricated tales
from his youth. Unlike most of the inhabitants of the zoo,
the Leprechaun was a natural performer. He had a dark

(23:44):
sense of humor, and he was prone to telling outrageous stories.
As I entered the habitat, Darro was shouting, of course,
you all know what happened next. The daft soog took
a horrible beating. I swear upon me, dear sainted mother.
He was one massive bruise from head to toe. I
threw up my hands and cried, look at the state
of you. That's what you get for squaring up to

(24:05):
an og Are you a damn fool? And the poor
lad he just falls down, he moans. Oh, he shoved
live weasel up me Bombi's tearing me apart. And then
he died. There was a stir of uneasy muttering amongst
the film crew. I heard one of them gas, holy shit, Hi,
itwas awful. Dara murmured, and he placed his hat against

(24:27):
his chest. I hope the spirit realm was kind to
the silly bastard. Even his donkey was shaken by the
brutal nature of his death, but traged it up. Life
must go on for the rest of us. So I
brought the poor beast down to the market and I
sold it for twenty shillings. After all, whiskey isn't free.
Dara interrupted into a gust of maniacal laughter, and then

(24:48):
he began to dance a jig. Some of the crew
tittered with nervous laughter, while the others exchanged uncomfortable looks
with each other. Esmerelda was hiding a smile behind her
leather gauntlet. I hurried over and announced, Please don't take
him seriously, folks, He's just trying to freak you out.
It's a joke. The leprechaun gave me an exaggerated look
of surprise. He clasped his hands together excitedly. Do you

(25:09):
think I jest about such a horrible thing? A man
died right before me, right there on the road to
the market. There's no joke, My lad night. Tis a
cautionary tale. The moral of the story is never raise
your hand to an ogre, or they might force a
carnivorous rodent up your arsehole. Word's to live, by my son.
He cackled at his own wit and bounced into the air,

(25:30):
twirling in mid air to blast a fart directly in
my face. He hovered just long enough to click his
heels together, and then he landed in a graceful bow
to his audience. This time there was an explosion of laughter,
and the leprechaun soaked it in like a sponge. He
looked up at me and chuckled, and that, my son,
is the essence of theater. Wild Bill Shakespeare once came

(25:52):
to me for guidance on how to write a proper comedy.
I told him create an awful tragedy, William, and then
follow it immediately with a beastly fine ha. I works
every time I mumbled that never happened. Ugh, what did
you eat? My face was burning with embarrassment. My eyes
were watering from the god awful stench of his flatulence.

(26:14):
Everyone was laughing at me, even the completely humorless Rachel,
who was snickering behind her hand. I was ready to
storm out the door, and it hadn't even been midnight yet.
I threw up my hands and said, yeah, I got
me ha very cool. Look, if anyone needs me, I'll
be sitting over there by the exsit Okay, cool, awesome.
I started to stomp away, but Rachel snapped her fingers
at me and commanded, just a second, mister, bond water,

(26:35):
what about our coffee mugs. I willed myself to not
lash out, and I gave her a serene smile. I
just spoke to Vic over the phone. He asked me
to apologize to you on his behalf. He's been very
busy lately, so it just must have slipped his mind.
He's making arrangements for some very high quality mugs to
be delivered tonight. They should be here within the hour,
She answered my smile with a sour look. She demanded,

(26:57):
how could it have already slipped his mind? We were
talking about it outside before security let us in. I
felt a nasty jolt of adrenaline slam up my spine.
I spotted, Wait, you saw Vic like tonight before before
you came in the gate, not even an hour ago.
She snapped, Yes, that's what I just said. He was
standing in front of the gate when we arrived. I

(27:17):
asked him if the crew would receive some bone saw
Vic merchandise. He said something like sure, how about a
coffee mug? I mean he was right here at the zoo,
So I don't understand. I with my hand frantically to shusher.
My heart was beating very fast in my chest. I guessed,
did he come in with you? Rachel gave me a
surly nod. Yes, we all came in together. Don't ask

(27:37):
where he went after that, because he disappeared when my
back was turned. It was honestly a bit rude. Faintly,
I replied, okay, thanks for the clarification. Heyes, Marelda Esmeralda,
could you, Esmerlda said to Rachel, let me borrow this
guy for a second, will Yeah? Thanks. She pulled me
over to the exit door and in a low voice,
she said, it's no way that was actually Vic. I

(27:59):
slowly replied, Nope, not Vic at all. He was asleep
when we called him from the security office. I heard
one of his girlfriends in the background. He's probably been
at home all night. Definitely, definitely not him. She shot
an uneasy glance through the window and said, I have
a feeling a certain dickhead from Damascus has something to
do with this. Yeah, I bet it's something from the

(28:20):
spirit world. It's some kind of spirit that could take
the appearance of a living person, any idea. The leprechaun
suddenly popped up between us, making us both jump a little.
He chirped in, apologies for eve dropping, but I was
getting bored. They're all busy setting up their infernal contraptions
and machines. He held a finger in the air in
a scholarly fashion and said, to answer your question, I
believe what you were describing is an entity known as

(28:42):
a dopple ganger. They're very notorious, so they are They're
even an ancient rhyme that goes, ah something like this,
he goes dupple bubble bippity bee. The evil spirit looks
just like me. Actually it's a lie. I made it
up just now. Do you like it? His Merilda muttered,
you better not be shitting us, because I'm not in
the mood. Darra dropped a sly wink and exclaimed, Oh,

(29:05):
I do love telling tales. It's true, but I'm not
lying about the Doppelganger. It's truly no laughing matter. As
Merle decided, well fuck, there goes an easy shift. Dar giggled, hi,
my hulking lassie. They're quite a nise and Stoppelgangers thrive
on fear and death. I'd imagine that you can drive

(29:26):
it away with your liquid silver, but you'll have to
find it first. The Doppelganger can take on the appearance
of anyone beneath the sun. It's a dangerous game of
hide and seek. Rachel called out mister O'Shaughnessy, we're just
about ready for you over here. Is there any chance
we can get an interior shot of your house? The
leprechaun yelled back, I have no idea what that means.
The film crew exchanged uncertain looks to each other. The

(29:49):
boom mic operator said, uh, you know what a picture is, right,
Dara snap, of course I do paintings, drawings, photographs. I'm
not a simpleton. What of it? My guy looked relieved.
He replied, okay, good. So we basically just want to
take some pictures inside your home so people can see
how you live. Dara hollered, OI, wait a damn minute.

(30:13):
Let me wash the suppered dishes first. People think I
leave like a bloody goblin. He patted us both on
the leg and said, well, I wish you both the
best off. I go to tidy m kitchen. I looked
over to Esmerelda and said, okay, so we need to
notify security, like immediately. Do you want to be the
one to break the news or do you I'll stay here,
she interjected, and she gave me a cynical grin. Best

(30:35):
way to stay alive and the dangerous situation is to
hang back let someone else get killed. Good black white bread.
I gave her a sarcastic thanks, that's very thoughtful, and
I unholstered my squirt gun. The service tunnel was empty.
It appeared that way anyhow, and as soon as the
pneumatic lock bolt chunked in the place behind me, I
ran for the exit tour. I was cursing every step

(30:57):
of the way. Crap, shit, fuck, fuck that look the
con fuck has marould A, fuck Rachel, fuck Victor b
Charlie the super duper double Fuck that necromancer idiot Don Damascus.
Fuck him with a fucking telephone pole. The lobby was
large and full of shadows, every single one of them
hiding a murderous spirit with a stolen face. I hugged
the wall and scurried to the security office. The guon

(31:20):
behind the desk glared at me with the usual look
of disdain and said, the guy just got here a
few minutes ago. I just buzzed him in through the gate.
Go wait for him in the hallway. I curtly responded,
forget the mugs. There's a doppelganger running around somewhere in
the gardens. It came in with the film crew. He grunted, Huh, doppelgamer,
the fuck are you talking about. I strived to remain

(31:42):
both calm and patient. I replied, it's a hostile spirit.
Change his parents to look like other people. He was
disguised to Vic. When you let it in with the
film crew, he shook his finger at me and snarled,
I didn't let in no hostile spirit. Have a look
at the security footage here. See ain't nobody standing there
with the Hollywood people. Don't you tell Vic I led
some kind of angry spirit through the gate. Because I didn't,

(32:04):
I willed myself not to scream at this enormous, scowling,
dipshit of a human being. I said, well, maybe it
doesn't always show up on film. I mean it's a ghost. Look,
I promise you I'm not bullshitting over here. The assistant
director told me she was talking to Vic right before
you buzzed them in. But Vic was at home when
we called him, fast asleep in his bed, so he

(32:25):
obviously wasn't talking to the real Vic. This thing is
floating around somewhere out in the gardens. We need to
find it if it's getting into the building. Something caught
my eye one of the monitors on the wall, and
I stopped talking. It was a view of the parking lot.
There was an unfamiliar van that probably belonged to Vic's
delivery man, but that wasn't what caught my attention. There

(32:49):
was something on the ground behind the van, poking out
from behind the tire. There was a knock at the door.
The goon pulled out his pistol and yelled, who is it.
Girlf voice answered yeah, I got some for you. The
security agent heaved his considerable bulk out of his chair.
He called out, hold on a second, I'm coming. I
pointed at the screen and hissed, oh wait, wait, that's

(33:10):
part of a leg and a foot I got him.
That's not The door abruptly exploded inwards with a tremendous bang.
The goon managed to fire one shot, said he was
flying across the room. His head put a huge dent
in a metal filing cabinet, and he collapsed on the
floor in a shower of fluttering papers. A heavy set
guy in a track seat was standing there in the doorway.
He looked exactly like a mafia associated who just got

(33:32):
a call to run an errand in the middle of
the night, But the look in his eyes was fairal
and savage. It was the glare of a rabid dog
impostor croaked special delivery from Don Damascus, and it lunged
at me. I had just enough time to pull the trigger.
I hit it directly in the eyes with a stream
of silver nitrate. The liquid sizzled on impact, and an

(33:53):
unearthly shrieked tore out from the doppelganger's throat. It staggered backwards,
still screaming. Then it whirled for the door. I chased out,
but the hallway was empty. It was already gone. I
bolted back into the office and knelt down beside the
fallen security guard. Come on, come on and get up,
I panted it. Unfortunately, the security goon's days of getting up.
We're officially over. The top of his skull was crushed

(34:16):
flat and blood was leaking everywhere. He was now citizen
of the spirit world. I stabbed it with a shaking finger,
and the soft crackle of an open line buzzed out
of the speaker. I could faintly hear my voice echoing
throughout the building as I said, Esmerla, can you hear me?
It's Billy. Uh. Can you grab the phone by the
entrance and down the security office please. I think the

(34:36):
extension is two four seven. Okay, down two four seven
like like right away. Hit the intercom button again. To disconnect.
I stood there for a moment, and I murmured, ah, fuck,
I do sound like a pussy. I waited with mounting anxiety. Finally,
a red light began to flash on the phone display.
I snatched up the handset and blurted, is that you
Ezmralda snapped, of course it is. You just ruined their shot.

(34:58):
By the way, everyone's piss off. I muttered, yeah, well
fuck him. We've all got something way bigger to worry
about right now. Doppelganger's inside the building. There was a pause,
and then as Merelda said, Roger, that are you still
in the security office. Yeah, I think it killed Vic's
delivery guy out in the parking lot, took his appearance
to get inside, killed one of the security guards. I

(35:19):
managed to hit it with the squirt gun. I got
a pretty big reaction, so I guess that's some good news.
She muttered, Yeah, okay, gotcha. This thing is obviously a problem.
I snorted, Oh, this fucker is a problem, all right.
I don't know where the other security guy is right now,
but there's a good chance he's already dead it was.
Merelda stiffly replied, Look, I can't really say much right
now because he assistant the director lady just came over
and she's standing way the fuck too close to me.

(35:41):
Back it up, bitch, I'll break your fucking eye socket.
I've lynched at the raw violence. In as Merelda's tone,
I heard her growl, go over there, don't fucking press me, lady,
if I can kick you in the face. You're standing
too close, got it. She returned her attention to the
phone and said, anyway, you should probably call Victor again,
let him know what's going on. He'll probably what was

(36:04):
that hold on, Billy? Wait a second, What are you
mouthing off about right now? You olive oil looking bitch?
What are you fucking kidding me? No, dumbass, we weren't
talking about the coffee mugs. Fuck your coffee mugs. What
are you looking at? Camera? Guy, I'm living your dream
right now, cream puff. I'm telling your boss to go
fuck herself. How about you go back to I tried
to get her attention, but she had already hung up

(36:25):
the phone. I groaned the fuck okay, not good, None
of this is good now I would have to call
Vic again and he wasn't going to be very happy.
I pressed the button that was labeled to Vic home,
and I waited. The boss picked up. On the fourth ring,
he groaned, the zoo better be on fucking fire right now.

(36:46):
I'm gonna throw you off the roof. I'm trying to
sleep over here, for God's sake. What do you want
this time? Matching teacups and saucers, I stammered, Hey, the
delivery guy, he's dead. One of the security guards is
dead too, possitively both of them. It's Don Damascus again,
Vick snarld. You don't say shit like that. It was
a phone, dumb ass. Nobody's ever dead, not over the phone.

(37:08):
You say something like, we got a situation over here,
and that's enough anyway, that hookah smoking motherfucker is gonna
have some regrets and squear to God. Okay, what happened?
I quickly explained the situation, watching the open doorway like
a hawk the entire time. Vic was silent for a
moment after I was finished. Then he rumbled, you never
leave your partner unattended, Billy. I call it partner abandonment.

(37:30):
It's a big fucking no no. Do you ever read
the handbook? Kid? Bet you're five grand? You didn't read
him right, of course, I am. He probably tossed it
in the fucking trash and never gave it a second thought.
I started to protest, but Vic yelled, shut up. You know,
fucking excuse here, just results. You should have sent it in
one of Nicky's production assistants. Fetch a coffee, mounks. He's
got like frigging ten of them. They ain't gonna miss

(37:52):
one if he buys the farm. Now you're stuck in
the office with no backup, and she's stuck in a
habitat with no backup. Nobody has any backup. This is
how people get hurt, Billy by not following the rules. Kadish. Now,
I have a pretty hard time believing Vic actually gave
a shit about anyone else's safety. I mean, this was
coming from a guy who stashed a loaded gun in
a baby carriage during a police raid. He shoved it

(38:14):
directly beneath the baby, who happened to be lying in
the carriage when the cops smashed the front door. The
baby didn't belong to a stranger either. It was like
his niece. This story and a thousand other crazy stories
Vic told me over the course the past few months.
They all made it kind of hard to take his
outrage seriously. But at the same time, his scathing tone
ignited a smoldering shame in the pit of my stomach.

(38:35):
And I answered, and my voice actually quavered a bit.
I'm sorry. Vic tried my best. I was just trying
to keep him happy. It just like you told me to,
you know, being the zoo ambassador, and all Vic counter
polgies don't make nobody safer. You get me, He's writing
the fucking handbook, Billy on page twelve says, don't apologize,
just follow the guidelines. Don't tell me no lies. I

(38:56):
even made it rhyme so Dipshit's like you can remember
what it says, but you don't even read the fucking things.
So I guess you wouldn't know, was you, I quietly said, no,
I guess not. I found myself blinking away, a sudden
wetness in my eyes. I felt like a small child again,
struggling not to cry as mom tore me to shreds
over some small transgression that didn't really matter. My headache

(39:17):
was getting worse, Vic sighed, Nanny, who listen up, kid,
this is what I'm gonna do over here, I'm just
sending a few guys from the field crew. They're gonna
capture this motherfucker. Some douchebag ghosts wants to break into Mizoo. Fine,
it could stay there. They have plenty of room, and
as soon as the field crew gets there and make
contact with you, haul you. Sorry, is back to the

(39:37):
leprechan's habitat. Go in sidelock the door, stay put until
someone gives you the all clear. He got that, I
meekly answered, yes, sorry do. I could feel my face
burning from embarrassment. Beneath that, there was shame. Even though
I was opposed to Vic as a person, that sniffling
child in my heart still wanted his approval. He was
a violent oppressor, generous benefactor, and a gruff father figure

(40:01):
all rolled into one. He was hypnotically charismatic and also
a complete bastard of a human being. There was no
wonder why he got on so well with Nick McKnight.
Vick rumbled, Yeah, I'll make sure you get a new handbook, kiddo,
and you make sure you read the fucking thing this time. Okay,
I gotta go hang in there, kid, Big guns will
be there soon. The line went dead and I hung

(40:23):
up the phone with an unsteady hand. I just had
to stay alive until the cavalry came running in no sweat, right,
I just keep my wary eye on the door with
my trusty squirt gun hand. All be well. My eyes
wandered back to the monitors and I studied the feed
from the parking lot. Yeah, that was definitely part of
a leg and a foot sticking up from behind the van.

(40:47):
I could also see a broken cardboard box further in
the background. He'd been smashed open on the asphalt, as
if the guy had thrown in it as attacker before
he was pulverized. I started playing around with the controls,
and I discovered I could switch the camera view from
one angle to another. Wasn't long before I found the
other security guard. He'd been pummeled into a horrible mess
and the stairwell one that led to the boiler room.

(41:09):
The sheer savagery of the attack left blood on just
about every surface. I'd seen some pretty horrific shit in
the few months that I started at the zoo, but
this still made my stomach turn. The goon had been
reduced to nothing but a twisted broken torso, his skull
was a large splotch of gore that was oozing its
way down the staircase. I fiddled around with the cameras

(41:32):
until I found the doppelganger. It was standing in front
of the door that led to the service tunnels, motionless
and menacing. It couldn't go any further because every door
in the wall surrounding the habitats had been treated with
a solution of silver. This was a safety measure to
prevent the supernatural inhabitants of the other wing from smashing
their way to freedom. Unable to touch the door itself,

(41:53):
it was forced to wait for someone else to open
it from the other side. I got into the intercom
again and said, esmerl, Look, can you call Billy again
on the security extension? The red light on the display
flickered and I statched up the phone. I pleaded, tell
me you didn't beat anyone up. Please tell me that. Okay.
She snorted, Nah, I'm just fucking with him. They're shooting
a scene in a leprechaun's kitchen right now. He's baking

(42:15):
a batch of leprechaun tea cakes. God, didn't it steatcakes
smell pretty good? And wheezed awesome, good good, good news.
That relaxed a bit. Vic was already mad that I'd
broken an important rule in the handbook. He'd be a
lot more angry if someone in Nick's film crew got
beat the fuck up. She asked what was happening on
my end, and I told her the field crew was

(42:35):
coming to take care of business. She said, he's got
some of those guys coming, does he. They're a bit different,
different breed altogether. I murmured, yeah, I can imagine. Uh,
Vic is pretty steam that I left you alone to
come to the security office. He called it partner abandonment
and yelled at me as Merella scoffed, oh please, Leprechaun
isn't dangerous. He's a lonely old fart who grumbles to

(42:57):
hear himself talk. He'd never try anything serious, not in
a million years. He's got it too good here. He
gets gold and jewels tossed out. I'm like candy eat
a parade. Don't worry about it. You can hit every
nail with the same hammer. Contact matters, I exclaimed, I know, right,
so what I'm saying too. He made it like I
was going to get us both killed. I think he
was madder at me than the fucking neckromancer guy. A

(43:19):
neckermanser kills three of his men, and I'm the bad
guy for trying to do the stupid little job that
he didn't even allowed. Buzzer started bleeding in my ears,
and a red light flashed on the panel against the wall.
There was a cargo van idling at the gate. I
told us, Merelda, gotta go. Someone's here, and I pushed
the button that was labeled gate intercom. I said, hello,
how can I help you? Are you the personnel from
the field crew. A horse whispery voice answered, who's this?

(43:43):
You don't sound like one of the victor's knuckle draggers.
You sound a little more delicate, shall he say? I
felt my face gill red. I cleared my throat and replied,
I'm a caretaker's assistant. Security guards aren't here. We have
a situation, so I heard free voice answered, are you
gonna let us in? Or what? You have a job

(44:03):
to do? I squeaked, right, yeah, sorry about that, and
I jabbed the button that read front gate lock Release.
The gate rolled open and the van surged forward in
a spray of gravel. It roared up the long driveway
and squealed to a halt. In front of the entrance.
Four rough looking dudes jumped out and headed into the lobby.
The doppelganger sensed their approach, it immediately fled in the
opposite direction, loping away on all fours like an animal.

(44:26):
I heard the field crew come stomping up the hallway,
and then they were standing in the door. Their rifles
were equipped with a reservoir tank instead of a magazine.
It felt a twinge of envy looking at them and
get some serious distance with one of those things. The
guys from the film crew were all a bit unsettling
in one way or another. The two of them appeared
to be twins, and they both had extensive facial tattoos.

(44:49):
Another one was missing an eye, not a huge deal
on its own, except the dude wasn't wearing a prosthetic
eye or an eye patch. He just had a dark,
deeping hole beneath his eyebrow. For some reason, I had
imagined that they would be wearing uniforms of some kind,
but they were dressed more like extras from the movie Deliverance.
The dude who only had one eye was clad in
a pair of mechanics coveralls covering grease stains. Both the

(45:11):
gentlemen with the face tattoos were sporting dirty jeans and
plaid shirts with sleeves torn off. One of them was
wearing work boots, the other was rocking a pair of
worn out cowboy boots. All three of them smelled like
armpits and diesel exhaust. Their leader was the most off
kilter one of them all. I knew immediately that he
was in charge because he threw off a strong aura
of calm authority. This was despite the fact that he

(45:34):
was wearing sandals, cut off jean shorts, and a ridiculously
loud Hawaiian shirt. He kind of looked like a middle
aged man in a Jimmy Buffett concert, except for his face.
It was covered in a startling network of scars. A
little bit of disfigurement here and there wasn't out of
the ordinary for the sort of people who worked for VIC,
but this was pretty extreme. He had a particularly heinous

(45:57):
looking scar that ran down one side of his neck
across the front, forming a deep crease across his larynx
before curving back up the other side. His arms and
legs were also riddled with long lines and twists of
scar tissue. Whatever's happening to this guy? It was both
extremely violent and relatively frequent. All in all, very creepy
looking dude. But the most unsettling thing about him was

(46:19):
his eyes. They were light gray, very clear, and completely
devoid of emotion. But the doppelganger's wild, feral glare. This
guy's stair was ice fucking cold. I could imagine them
killing an entire family with an axe, then cleaning up
in their bathroom so he could go out for a cheeseburger.
He looked like he simply did not give a shit

(46:40):
about the lives of anyone or anything on this entire planet.
He nodded at me, and in a scratchy papery whisper,
he said, pleased to meet him, mister assistant. Everyone calls
me Sever, you know, because of the He trailed off,
tapping the scar on his neck with his finger. I
faintly replied, to meet you too. I'm glad she got here, suphessed,

(47:02):
because I think this one is a little above my pay. Grate.
Sever glanced over at the dead security goon and he asked,
who is the last place he saw this thing? I
was standing outside of the tunnel entrance for a while,
but it took off and you guys came to the door.
I motioned at the bank of monitors and at it.
I tried to keep track of it, but it disappeared somehow.

(47:22):
Sever revealed a mouthful of gold teeth with a humorless smile.
Spirits only show themselves as they're preoccupied with something. Doesn't matter,
because Blinky over here can sniff him. Ount the one
eyed man pointed at his empty eye socket, and he said,
with obvious pride, I can smell him with my brain.
Smell like pepper. I was at a loss for words. Seriously,

(47:46):
what the fuck? I just nodded along and said, huh,
that's really something. Anyway, Now that you guys are here,
I'm supposed to get back to the leprechaun habitat. Sever
showed me his gold plated smile again. He drawled, Yeah,
it's probably a good idea to make yourself scarce. All
we're doing our thing. They never go down without a fight.

(48:08):
The strange quartet escorted me to the tunnel entrance. I'm
honestly not sure if I felt safer with them or
without them. It kind of seemed like I was just
swapping one variety of danger for another. As I was
opening the door, Sever tapped me on the shoulder and said,
hold up a set, rock star, I hear Esmarelda is
working tonight. Is she? I wasn't sure if I should
answer that question, but I didn't have the courage to

(48:30):
lie to this dude. I said, yeah, she's back there
right now. He flashed me a gleaming grin, and he asked,
think you can pass a message along. Tell her. Sever
wants to know if you ever think about the night
in Casablanca, if her vibes are agreeable, let her know
I'll be staying at the River Court Hotel for the
next few days. Can you do that for me? I

(48:55):
forced myself to meet his empty gaze and I answered, yes, Sir,
I will. Sever clapped me on the shoulder and said,
don't forget It sounded more like a threat than a reminder.
He stepped back and waved me inside, scooch your petuity
back to that habitat and stay there until I give
you all clear. Have yourself a good one. I swung

(49:16):
open the door of the Leprechaun's habitat and I was
slapped in the brain with a wondrous aroma of baking.
Everyone was sitting around and munching on a variety of pastries.
Darro was wandering in their midst with a serving tray,
offering his supposedly unwanted intruders second and third helpings. Despite
all the blood and mayhem from earlier, I felt my
stomach rumble. Didn't care that Security's brains were currently oozing

(49:38):
down a staircase. I wanted some of that magical baking,
and I wanted it immediately. He cried out, Ah, look,
who's come back. Do you care for a scone? Lad? Oh?
Would you rather try some nice soda breid? Perhaps an
apple tart? I gave him a tired smile and said,
I'll take one of each. Mister O'Shaughnessy, thank you, so
the first time I've ever seen him crack a genuine smoke.

(50:00):
He exclaimed, go ahead, take two of each year so inclined,
I made enough to feed a tribal ogers. Have yourself
a mug of tea while you're at it, or would
you before a drop or two of the father's good cheer.
The Leprecaun's breath smelled like a distillery. I saw the
rosy bloom across his nose and cheeks, and I realized
he was well on his way to getting shit faced.

(50:22):
Father's good cheer was apparently a euphemism for whiskey. I
declined the booze and sat myself on a log, a
pile of goodies in my lap and steaming mug in
my hand. Tara's baking wasn't just good, even great, It
was fucking magical. They were the best desserts I'd ever
had before or since. Not exaggering when I say that
Dara could have opened the most successful chain of bakeries

(50:43):
in history, like just damn drunken Leprechaun could bake. I
watched a mill around the room, showering the crew with
endless treats and steady flow of off color banter. I
realized as Marella was right, Dara was a lonely old man.
He disguised his sadness behind the personality. He wasn't meant
to become a scowling, toxic miser. Dara was meant to

(51:06):
spread boozy good cheer as his magic lanterns glowed beneath
the forest canopy. He was put on this earth to
scamper through mossy woodlands, unhindered and unknown by the eyes
of humankind. Dara O'Shaughnessy was created to drink whiskey and
dance a jig beneath the stars. He was created to
be free. I had a sudden flash of insight and

(51:29):
understood his greed for accumulating wealth was a side effect
of his captivity for the zoo. Dar's treasures had been
the precious things that he would find in the forest.
A trunk of sparkling quartz, a perfect stick, a fragrant bloom.
Before the zoo, all these things had been equal to
gold in his eyes. He desired these objects not for
their material worth, but for their simple beauty and no

(51:51):
wonder they stirred in his heart. Victor Bonicelli took it
all away from him, and he replaced it with four
cement water thousands of years snatched and stolen by a
grinning tyrant, leaving him with nothing but a horde of
treasure only he could see. And this, my friends, is
why I was becoming obsessed with bringing it all down,

(52:13):
Because it was fucked up. It was wrong. As morel
doa scrolled over and plopped down beside me. In a
low voice, she said, you have such a miserable expression
on your face. It's almost funny, he said about the
passing those security dumb fots, because the world became a
better place when those two clowns stopped breathing. Victor only

(52:33):
hires the worst scumbags for a security team. I think
he does it so that he won't care too much
if they get themselves killed. Happens all the time. I
forced myself to smile a bit and replied, no, that's
got nothing to do with that. And I almost got
killed too. You know, if I was a second slower
with a water pistol, i'd be a splotch on the
wall right now. That thing's no joke. I don't know,

(52:55):
it's nothing. I'm fine. Oh h hey, So one of
the guys on the field crew asked me to pass
the message along. You were right, by the way. Those
guys are a bit different. As Marelda narrowed her eyes,
she said, let me guess it was a guy in
a Hawaiian shirt, right, shorts, probably sandals, beefy looking blank stare.
I shuddered a bit and grunted, Yeah, that's him, all right,

(53:16):
said his name was sever as in like he almost
got his friggin head cut off, really gnarly scar in
his neck, just a creepy dude all over something about
him screams or criminal. You know what I mean. That's
my ex as Merelda side. We were going to get married,
but work took him to a different continent. You know
how it goes. Eventually it just sort of fizzled out.

(53:38):
Long distance relationships are hard. I blinked at her in disbelief.
I cro what. You can't be serious that fucking guy.
He's probably got a necklace of human teeth at home.
You guys were engaged. That's wild. She shrugged and said,
I like emotionally unavailable men, so me, the more unstable
and dangerous they are, the better. I could never see

(53:59):
myself with some dor who eats corn pops and his jammies.
That would make my skin crawl and end up kicking
his ass as someone who really enjoyed eating corn pops
in his jammies. I felt deeply insulted by this, but
I let it go. Different strokes for different folks, Am
I right? I said, yeah, of course you would. You're
basically she hulk with a bad attitude. Anyway, I'm supposed

(54:21):
to ask you something. Do you remember that night in Casablanca,
our first date? Esmeralda murmured, and she smiled to herself.
We took a stroll through the market in the old
Medina and I beat up a pickpocket. Sever beat up
his lookout God, sometimes I miss being young. The intercom
clicked to life and Sever's raspy voice announced operations concluded.

(54:45):
Looked over at Esmerelda and muttered, damn most fast, there's
don't fuck around. Rachel made a bee line over to us,
script in hand like a shield, and she demanded, what
was that about? What operation? Is this going to affect
the shoot? Because I need to know if there's going
to be a delay. Ezmerald blared at her, and Rachel's
tirade abruptly cut off mid sentence. She pointed at Rachel's
shirt and growled, if you're in such a hurry, why

(55:07):
are you covered in leprechaun crumbs. The operation in question
has been concluded, and that's all you need to know.
Keep filming or don't, it's your choice. I'll get paid
for the entire shift either way. Rachel hoffed, I've never
been treated in this manner, and she stumped back to
her crew with an expression of outrage. She clapped her
hands together and called out, okay, people, that's a wrap

(55:28):
for tonight. I think we got what we needed here.
The script supervisor regarded her with a look of dismay,
and she started to raise her hand. Rachel snapped, I
don't want to hear it. I'll talk to Nick tomorrow.
Let's just pack up. A few minutes later, Dara came
bustling out of his little house with a fresh tray
of magical treats in hand. He looked around with a
confused expression and asked, why is everybody leaving? The night's

(55:50):
still young. Don't you need to take some more pictures
for your movie? Surely you can't already be finished with me.
Rachel glanced in his direction, her face blank and disinterested.
She turned away and said, we have what we need,
mister O'Shaughnessy, thank you for your cooperation. They all paid
minimal attention to the leprechaun as he wandered around with

(56:11):
his tray, trying in vain to engage them in conversation.
He waved goodbye as the last of them trooped into
the service tunnel, and then esmerl to shut the door.
He kept waving for a moment, and then his arms
slowly wilted to dangle at his side. Just like that,

(56:33):
he was alone again. I couldn't see the leprecaun's face
from where I was standing, but the slumping of his
shoulders gave me a dull ache in my heart. I
called out, hey, I'm still here. Those things smell real good.
Can I have one? He whirled around and snarled, you
can shut your mouth, that's what you can do. Look
at the mess they left behind, ignorant bastards. Who's going

(56:54):
to tidy this disaster? They left dirty tea cups, spoons
all over me habitat, half eaten skull. Here's some forgotten
brick of brack over there, bits of paper all over
the damn ground. Sweet sir, enity, where are these people
raised by wild dogs? I patted his shoulder and said,
it's my job to clean up the habitat. I mean,
my regular job, not this ambassador bullshit. I'll do it,

(57:16):
star shout it. Of course you will. We gobshake. He
dropped the tray onto the ground, pastries tumbling everywhere. He
stopped one beneath his foot. Then he kicked it across
the room. He muttered, interrupt my slumber. Will they take
what they want from me and leave? Well? They didn't
take me gold, did they Nay? Not one scrap of gold?

(57:36):
Straight a damnation with the whole them. Wealth and whiskey
or all you need in life. Everything else is rubbish.
I reached up and plucked a leaf from the oak
tree beside us. I handed it to him without a word.
They gave me a puzzle look and said, leif am
I supposed to do with this? Look at how sh
I need this? I answered quietly, So balanced and symmetrical.

(57:58):
It's it's a wonder all on its own right. Wealth
is everywhere, But if you think about it, treasure's fine.
But that leaf, hm, it's perfect. Darrow frowned at me
as he shook his head. He must be daft. Can't
trade a leaf or a strong horse, or a wheel
a cheese he leaves worthless. It's nothing. It gave him

(58:18):
a sad smile and replied, leafs everything. He probably would
have agreed with me once upon a time. Well it's over,
I'll head back to bed, still catch a few hours
asleep before dawn shit zoo doesn't even open till nine.
Maybe you should sleep in for a change. What do
you think? He looked like he was about to hit
me with a foul tempered singer, but instead he tucked

(58:41):
the leaf in his pocket and grudgingly said, suppose even
a half whit like you can speak the truth every
now and then. I'm off to bed. Make sure you
have this unsightly clutter picked up before you go. Dara
walked back over to the mound of earth he called home,
his shoulders still drooping in a dejected manner. He turned
around and called out a pleasant eve t billy, white bread,

(59:03):
and thank you. I gaped at him in surprise. Until
that instant, I wasn't sure if the leprechaun knew how
to thank someone, but there it was. He tipped his
hat to me, and then he was gone. I looked
around the habitat murmured he did kind of leave a mess,

(59:24):
didn't they. I'll get it cleaned up, Darra sleep tight.
After I was done, I tossed the trash bag into
the incinerator shoot and I started for the exit. As
I was walking, I noticed something was weighing heavily on
the breast pocket of my kevlar's suit. I stuck my
finger inside and found two completely unexpected objects. One was

(59:44):
a scrap of paper with a brief note scrawled with
an ink well and a feather. It said, please accept
this sum as fair compensation for a task while completed
yours in good fellowship dara O'Shaughnessy. The other object was
a circular chunk of gold. There was a bird of

(01:00:05):
some kind stamped on one side and the profile of
a Roman emperor on the other. That was speechless. My
only coherent thought was holy fucking shit. I tucked it
away and made a mental note to get it examined
by someone who would know it's worth I found Esmerelda
standing by herself in the lobby. She was looking at

(01:00:26):
the statue of the Hydra again. I asked, where's the
film crew, and she pointed in the direction of Victor's lounge,
sitting around patting themselves on the back for being a
bunch of dickheads. She muttered. The guys from the field
crew were already gone before we exited the tunnel. Bunch
of cleaners just showed up a couple of minutes ago.
Never got their work cut out for them like Grimiston said,
what a horrible fucking jump. No, thank you. She nodded

(01:00:49):
at the statue and replied, could always be worse. Hey,
do you know these things real? Yeah, there's an actual
hydra trapped in there. I gave her a skeptical look.
There's no way that's true. Why would Victor release it
and put it on display? That would be a huge attraction,
for sure. She gave me a cryptic look and said

(01:01:10):
something should never see the light anyway. I know what
you're thinking, and yes, I'm going to see him. He
left behind a scrap of paper with an address on it,
a hotel, I assume, I gasped. Oh shit, yeah, I
was supposed to tell you that. I think it was
called the Raven Court Hotel. Sorry, yeah, I forgot. Yeah
you would forget, wouldn't you, she mused, In case you

(01:01:31):
thought something has changed, it hasn't. I still don't like you.
What a shocking development, I shot back, sarcastically. And that's
totally fine. You don't have to like me. Just give
me some respect, that's all I ask. And why should
I do that? She had tooted, give me one good reason?
I looked her in the eye, and I said, because
I'm Billy fucking Whitebread, don't you forget it. I left

(01:01:54):
her there to gaze at the statue and think her thoughts,
whatever they might be. I honestly didn't care. I already
had enough to worry about complications in my life. There
wasn't any room for more of them. Vic showed up
in the morning with you guessed it, several boxes of
coffee mugs. He somehow managed to get them all embossed
with the name of the zoo. He handed them out

(01:02:15):
to everyone with a big grin on his face and said,
sorry for the lay folks. Don't worry, I'm gonna gets
you some T shirts next, Free shirts everyone, how'd that sound?
Here you go, Billy, have one too on ass. I
looked around to make sure none of the film crew
were an earshot, and I asked about the fate of
the doppelganger. Vic Boom and the boys are gonna have
a little chat with it today. See what it knows

(01:02:36):
what it doesn't though, if you know what I mean.
In a quieter, Toney said to me, Hey, good job.
Let's th kid, and he stuffed a small wat of
money into my coffee mug He did everything right. It
made me proud. I felt a rush of shameful pride
in my heart, and as much as I hated it,
couldn't stop it from happening. A part of me hated Vic,

(01:02:57):
but I also really liked him at the same time.
He was a saint and a devil, a psycho and
a savior, all rolled into one gloriously complicated individual. Even now,
years after, I still get a faint glow in my
chest when I think about him. I don't understand how
you can hate someone and still think of them fondly.
But I don't really understand much of anything to tell

(01:03:19):
you the truth. All I know for sure is that
life is complicated, and then you die. I worked at
the courage to have the coin appraised by a professional.
A few days later, he determined it was something called
an arrius, a gold coin that was in circulation during

(01:03:41):
the reign of the Roman emperor. To be more exact,
it was minted during the rule of Emperor Septimius Servus.
The expert demanded to know how such a marvelous fine
ever came into my possession. I showed him my gun,
which I always carried whenever I wasn't at the zoo,
and I told him that it was none of his concern.
Proably not a smart move, but I suppose being around

(01:04:02):
Vic all the time is starting to rub off on
me a bit. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing either.
Maybe we all need a little Victor Bonicelli in our
hearts as a survival tool. And who's to say really?
The appraiser immediately stopped pressing me for details and he
gave me the coinback without another word. Victor was a villain,
for sure, but LIFT admit his methods always got results.

(01:04:26):
The next week, I managed to find some time to
visit the Leprechaun's habitat and thank him for the gift. Dara,
surprised the hell out of me, invited me into his
house to see his vast collection of Roman currency. And
as I sat there in a tiny chair and listened
to him talk about his coins, my wondering eye spotted
something that made my breath hitch in my chest. It
was the oak leaf. The leprechaun had pressed it behind

(01:04:48):
glass and he mounted it on the wall of his kitchen.
I felt my eyes missed over and my lips curved
into a big goofy grin. Dara noticed I was staring
at it, and he said, ay, it is a good leaf,
perhaps the finest leaf I've ever seen. It's quite a treasure,
isn't it. I nodded in agreement, and I jokingly asked,
where do you ever find such a nice leaf? Ah,

(01:05:10):
it was a gift by a good friend. He softly replied,
good friend. Is quite a treasure, perhaps the finest treasure
them all, very rare. Only the universe can bestow such
a blessing. I suddenly had a huge lump in my throat.
Dara patted my hands and he gently said, I think
I had enough company for today. Me, boyle, I'm not

(01:05:30):
accustomed to it, not just yet. Small doses and all
that correct. Be off with you. Take care. He came
to wave goodbye as I was leaving, and I waved back.
He beamed at me and waved again. As I closed
the door. I felt another swell of pride rising in
my chest, but it was different from the response to
Vick's blustering praise. Felt pure. The job really sucked in

(01:05:56):
a lot of ways, but it had its perks too.
I mean, not many people could say that they had
a Russian mercenary, a Navajo skin walker, and an honest
to god leprechaun. It's close personal friends. And even if
they could say that, well, they aren't belly fucking white bread,
are they? That honor will be my own personal treasure,

(01:06:21):
mine and mine alone until the end of days. He
other kids, It's me, mister creepy Pasta. I just want
to say thank you guys for watching connect video listening
to tonight's episode of the podcast. Also, I want to
give a huge thank you to everybody on this list
of patreons. If you'd like to join this list of

(01:06:41):
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(01:07:02):
That's to be in Hadie's nephew Himbo, Jerry how a Minute,
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(01:07:23):
you to you guys, everybody who shows up in the
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(01:07:45):
guys greatly, especially during this kind of rough time for
me having you guys around, and I mean this wholeheartedly,
it is incredibly so hey, thank you, thank you for
being here, thanks for being a part of this and
as always, folks, sweet dreams.