MAXWELL HOUSE BECOMES MAXWELL APARTMENT: New Coffee Name Reminds You That You'll Never Own Property

Coffee giant embraces housing crisis with rebrand that makes absolutely perfect sense if your thinking is still fuzzy from not yet having your coffee.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The corporate headquarters of Maxwell House witnessed scenes of jubilation
on Wednesday as executives celebrated their most tone deaf marketing
decision since Crystal Pepsi decided transparency was a beverage feature.
The one hundred thirty two year old coffee brand announced
it would temporarily rebrand as Maxwell Apartment to honor the
approximately thirty six percent of Americans who can't afford houses

(00:23):
but can apparently still afford disappointment in a can. The
company's logic goes like this, Renters can't afford houses. Maxwell
House sounds like a house. Therefore Maxwell Apartment. This reasoning
brought to you by the same industry that once convinced
America that instant coffee was an acceptable beverage choice. For

(00:43):
forty dollars, customers receive what the company calls a twelve
month lease of coffee, not a subscription, not a bulk purchase,
a lease on coffee. The marketing team insists this saves
consumers one thousand dollars annually, using math that isoms everybody
currently buys their coffee from Hotel mini bars operated by

(01:03):
Loan Sharks. Corporate representatives failed to mention that actual apartment
leases cost slightly more than forty dollars per year, unless
you're renting a cardboard box under an overpass, in which
case you probably have bigger concerns than your coffee brand's
identity crisis. The average American apartment rent sits at almost
eighteen hundred dollars per month, meaning renters could buy, excuse me,

(01:27):
a lease over five hundred years worth of Maxwell Apartment
coffee for the price of one month's actual apartment. A question,
how exactly do you lease coffee? I can understand a
purchase or even a subscription, but a lease means you
don't really own it and that you have to give
it back at the end of your contract. How exactly

(01:49):
do you do that with coffee you undoubtedly consumed during
that legal agreement. I'm just guessing here, but didn't you
just consume corporate property? Is there a Maxwell Apartment's forty
seven page lease agreement that addresses this issue with the
legal clarity of a fever dream, stating that leases must
maintain possession of coffee or coffee adjacent materials for the

(02:11):
duration of the contract. Page twenty three, subsection four point
seven explains the customers who consume their least coffee must
preserve evidence of usage in sealed containers for potential inspection.
This means saving used coffee grounds, empty canisters, and in
extreme cases, providing sworn testimony about where the coffee went.

(02:31):
The document helpfully notes that metabolic processing does not constitute
breach of contract, which lawyers had to have added after
somebody asked the obvious question, I just did has the
company hired a team of coffee recovery specialists REPO men
who specialize in reclaiming caffeinated assets. These professionals undergo six
weeks of training in grounds identification, poor pattern analysis, and

(02:55):
the delicate art of explaining to confused renters why they're
being audited for drinking their morning coffee they thought they
paid for. And what would a default on your lease
look like? You just stop paying? What kind of immediate
action happens? Then? Do you get a warning letter on
Kraft Heine's letterhead. Then the phone calls asking about the
whereabouts of your least coffee products. Finally, two men in

(03:17):
maxwell apartment polo shirts arrive at six am peak coffee
hours with a clipboard a drug sniffing dog retrained to
detect French roast and a court order demanding the return
of all coffee materials consumed or otherwise. And what if
you drink it all, as I'm sure you would assume
you're allowed to do with coffee you pay for? Does

(03:38):
breaking the lease kick in a forty dollars coffee disposal
fee that effectively doubles the price of something you no
longer want? Do you still get to retain ownership of
the caffeine in your bloodstream? Or does that too need
to be returned upon request? I have gone way too
far down this rabbit hole, haven't I. The rebrand comes
at a time when the average American renter spends thirty

(04:00):
percent of their income on housing and another fifteen percent
trying to forget about it through overdosing on caffeine consumption.
Marketing executives who definitely live in houses with multiple bathrooms
and walking closets the size of most of their customers
entire apartments, decided this was the perfect moment to remind
everyone about the housing crisis while they drink their morning coffee. Hey,

(04:21):
maybe the company's next rebrand could be renaming craft singles
to craft dating life or connect with how they live
and go with Craft single because I can't afford to
go out on dates, or maybe go with Craft studio
singles honoring Americans who eat cheese alone while standing over
their sink. The coffee itself remains unchanged, the same freeze

(04:45):
dried granules that have disappointed tired Americans since humans first
decided hot bean water was worth industrializing. Eh Jar contains
approximately two hundred and forty servings of coffee that tastes
like coffee in the way that apartment carpets feel like flooring.
Technically correct, but spiritually wrong. Renters appreciate value. One anonymous

(05:06):
marketing executive from the company explained, somehow missing that renters
would appreciate affordable housing more than themed coffee. A fun fact,
if you stack all the Maxwell apartment coffee cans sold
in a year, you'd have enough to build approximately zero
affordable housing units. The same executive suggested the tagline good
to the last Drop could reference both coffee and the

(05:29):
last drops of optimism renters experience while apartment hunting in
major cities. This limited time rebrand runs for only twelve weeks,
roughly the same amount of time it takes a landlord
to return a security deposit minus mysterious cleaning fees that
total exactly the deposit amount. After three months, Maxwellhouse returns
to being Maxwell House, and renters returned being reminded of

(05:52):
homeownership every morning before Caffeine activates their coping mechanisms. The
forty dollars lease arrives as a bulk shipment of coffee canisters,
which apartment dwellers can store next to their emergency supplies,
seasonal decorations, and the exercise equipment they bought during lockdown.
The deal supposedly saves money compared to buying coffee monthly,

(06:12):
obviously ignoring the fact that this requires more storage space,
which might not be a problem in a Maxwell House,
but in a tiny Maxwell apartment it causes problems, increasing
the tone deafness to extra dark. The company recommends brewing
with filtered water, apparently completely unaware that most apartment water
already comes pre filtered through pipes older than Jazz. Within

(06:36):
hours of the announcement, social media responded with the enthusiasm
of someone discovering their rent increased fifteen percent for marketing adjustments.
Comments ranged from confusion to the kind of bitter anger
typically reserved for parking tickets and utility companies craft heids
stock somehow remained unchanged, suggesting investors either didn't notice or

(06:58):
have seen worse ideas from food can colomorates. Remember when
Pizza Hut made cologne? When KFC released a gaming console,
this barely registers on the scale of corporate decisions that
make it question whether capitalism has jumped the shark, landed
in a kiddie pool and decided to stay there. Those
are real examples. By the way, Yeah, Pizza Hut really

(07:18):
did make a cologne. In twenty twelve, they released oed
de Pizza Hut in Canada, a limited edition perfume that
supposedly smelled like fresh dough. They initially joked about it
on social media, but then people actually wanted it, so
they produced one hundred and ten bottles and gave them
away to their Facebook fans in Canada. Even stranger, this
wasn't their only venture into non food products. They also

(07:41):
created Pizza Hut sneakers the pie tops they were called,
that could order pizza with a button on the shoe.
I actually remember those commercials so strange, and they briefly
sold a pizza flavored wine in twenty twenty three, KFC
has been even more adventurous. They made fried chicken scented candles,
fire logs that smell like their herbs and spices, and yes,

(08:02):
they really did announce a gaming console called the KF
Console that supposedly kept your chicken warm while you played,
though it never actually went into production. I'm guessing, Greasy
Fingers that our finger licking good aren't a great partner
with handheld gaming controls. Fast food companies have a surprisingly
long history of these bizarre marketing stunts that make Maxwell

(08:23):
Apartment Coffee seem almost reasonable by comparison the real accomplishment here.
Maxwell House found a way to make instant coffee more depressing.
They looked at their customer base, tired people seeking affordable caffeine,
and decided what they really needed was a daily reminder
of the housing crisis, served hot with non dairy creamer.

(08:43):
Holly Ramsden maintains the rebrand celebrates all our fans are
doing to make smart choices in their lives. The statement
that suggests smart choices include drinking instant coffee while paying
half your income for a place where the shower and
toilet occupy the same cubic foot of bathroom coming next quarter.
Folgers introduces their new campaign, The best part of waking

(09:04):
up is not being evicted.