@DrWendyWalsh (04/23) Hour 1

Dr. Wendy is talking boundaries vs requests vs ultimatums. There is a huge difference. We are also covering red flags in long distance relationships. You can participate in a relationship study if you are in a long-distance relationship by emailing [e-mail]. We also talk to clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz about satisfying sex. She breaks down everything you need to know. It's all on KFIAM-640.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio Appy by AM six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
If you're new to my show,you should know that I have a
PhD in clinical psychology. I'm apsychology professor, but my obsession is the
science of love. I've written threebooks on relationships, and I fully believe

(00:25):
that every relationship, whether it's aromantic relationship, a workplace relationship, apparent
child relationship, they all have biological, psychological, and sociological pieces. I
know a bunch of psychobabble there.Basically, we need to learn the skills
to have healthy, healthy, longterm relationships. The research is clear.

(00:47):
Long term committed people actually have bettermental health, they have better physical health,
they live longer, and they tendto accumulate more wealth. Now we're
also outgrowing our relationships. You know, when Death Do us Part was invented,
death was pretty imminent and because ofour long lifespans, many even very
monogamous people may find themselves having twoor three long stints of monogamy with some

(01:11):
mate selection in between. You liketo call that dating. One of the
things when it comes to relationship skillsand psychology, one of the things that
I hear people talk about a lotare boundaries, requests, and ultimatums.
I listened to this very funny comedian. I'm gonna have to producer, Kayla

(01:32):
before we get too far into it. How are you? I'm wonderful doctor.
I just start out a rant aboutboundaries because I was thinking about this
comedian I saw last night, LeanneLeanne, Leanne, I think her last
name starts with an M. Blondlady from like Tennessee or something. Was
she hilarious. She did this thingabout boundaries that was so funny. She
said something like, you know,my son and his wife are pregnant and

(01:53):
they use the word their baby andI said, no, no, it's
our baby. And then they usethis their word called boundaries, and she
said, I knew six months intoit, when they're overtired and she's up
at three in the morning breastfeeding alamp, that they would forget about that
word boundaries. And she goes,now that baby's too. They just cruise
by slowly and throw the kid onthe front lawns. That's not like.

(02:19):
What the joke was about is thatwe do need to have some boundaries within
all of our relationships, but wealso know that we're interdependent on each other
and we need each other at thesame time. So one of the things
that people often say to me is, well, I set a boundary.
I tell this person not to dothat, but they do it anyway.

(02:42):
So for instance, one thing,let's say in the early stages of a
dating relationship. This is a verycommon thing that happens. People will write
to me or call me and theywill say and by the way, if
you want to put any questions onsocial media, this is the time to
do it. Near the end ofthe show, I'm going to be going
to social media to answer some ofyour relationship questions with my drive by make
Shift relationship Advice. The handle everywhereis at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy

(03:06):
Walsh. Come on over to Instagram, send me a DM. I'll change
your name. I'm not going tolike embarrass you here. That's not where
I'm in the business of. Butright a tithing we'll get to it.
Um So anyway, when people sayso early in a relationship, it is
very common in modern times for mento only text. You know, they

(03:27):
don't like to talk that much.Women are the ones of words. Men
don't talk that much, you know. I've been reading the research on this,
by the way, Kayla, anddid you know that there's actually supposedly
only a slight difference in how manywords men say a day compared to how
many words women say. However,the research I read was done on psychology
graduate students, so of course themore verbal men are going to join a

(03:51):
psychology program and they're going to betalking class, etc. So that's the
chatterbox of men, the psychology.That's that's where they go. That's the
chatterboxes. Because I've been doing someconstruction and I've had two guys doing some
work in my apartment. They havea little country music playing in the background
on a small iPhone, and theyevery once in a while we'll say something

(04:13):
to each other about, oh look, when I found looking at them doing
here, could you hold this forme? Whatever? Very simple. But
then the painters came to join them, and the painters were two women,
and I swear non stop talking frommorning till night, and rather than music,
they had their iPhones on with podcasts. They were listening to podcasts.
Unfortunately, podcast was about astrology.Look, don't shoot me. Okay,

(04:36):
I'm just quoting this science. I'ma psychology professor. I try to make
sure that all my students learn thatthere's no science to astrology. Okay,
you guys, has been so muchresearch done. It's just you projecting onto
those vague words. Oh yeah,that's me. That's me. I'm that.
No, you're not. It's madeup. Okay, let's get back.

(04:57):
So, in the early stages ofa dating relations and ship, very
common for men to only text,and women like the words, and they
love them to have phone calls.They want to actually get to know the
person besides just face to face andpotential for sex. Right, they want
to they want to get to knowhaving these long lingering You know. One
of the things women say to eachother when they one of the girlfriends meets
a new guy, as they say, does he give good phone? Right,

(05:19):
that's a thing we compare guys basedon does he give good phone?
So they will say to me,what do I do to keep him from
texting? And I'd say, well, tell him that you prefer phone calls,
Like, first of all, justcommunicate it right. Then they say,
well, I told him, buddystill texts. I say, you
didn't set a boundary, you madea request. So both boundaries and requests

(05:45):
are definitely tools you can use inyour interpersonal relationships. So when we make
a request, we're asking somebody elseto do something or not do something because
we want you know, we havea need and we want our needs met.
Okay, so we say, hey, i'd prefer phone calls. Now,
a boundary is a little bit differentbecause a boundary isn't about trying to

(06:10):
get somebody else to change their behavior. It's about figuring out what you will
actually tolerate, right. It's aboutchanging your behavior in reaction to their not
obeying your request. So all boundariesstart out with a request. If the
request gets ignored, then you seta boundary, which is I will change
my behavior in reaction to your behavior. So let's go back to our example

(06:35):
of a guy who texts too much. She wants him to call. She
says, I always say the textshould say hey, I'm not a big
texter, but if I see yournumber pop up on my phone, I'll
be happy to pick up the call. But then you set a boundary,
which is you don't reward his textingby texting back liked. It's like going

(06:59):
I. He's like calling a guywho hasn't called you in two weeks and
say I'm calling you to break upwith you. Well, he already did
it, didn't call you for twoweeks, right, So if you're texting
back, he's saying the rule's notthere. Every boundary needs to be tested,
Every boundary needs a little test,and so you have to absolutely not
respond to his text Now if hecalls, and when he calls, then

(07:23):
you can't punish him for the goodbehavior, because that's when the girls pick
up the phone and they say thingslike, oh, I see you figured
out how to make a phone call. Only took you two weeks, no
new new. Is that a rewardfor good behavior. No, as soon
as you see his number, youpick it up on that first ring and
you say, hey, I wasjust thinking about you. How are you?

(07:43):
That's what you do. You rewardthe behavior. So that's boundaries and
requests. Now there's one other thing, and that's an ultimatum. And ultimatums
never work. They are basically tryingto manipulate somebody. You're tone is usually
angry. You give them a date. If we're not engaged by this date,
that I'm out of here. Whatever. That's an ultimatum. And even

(08:09):
if you do change somebody's behavior withan ultimatum, it's only short term,
doesn't last a long time, andyou build up that friendly feeling of resentment
into your relationship. Hey, speakingof relationships, when we come back,
are you in a long distance relationship? I actually have a way where you
can participate in some research. Wantto do that? That'd be cool.

(08:30):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy WallsShow and kf I AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show on KFI AM six forty.We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
So Producer Kyla, have you everbeen in a long distance relationship? Long

(08:54):
distance situationship, not a committed relationship. Oh so, your way of keeping
it safe the two of you asto just kind of go or not where
not Yeah, we can both dowhatever we want to do, because it's
unrealistic to think that we can orwe won't. Did that bother you that
to think that he was with otherwomen when you were no, because I'm
typically I was typically, you know, doing my own thing too. You're

(09:16):
busy with your retribution, exactly exactmy own retribution. I've had a number
of long distance relationships, and Ihad a you know, sort of attraction
to them because you know, Ithink all of our models for love go
back to our early childhood in someway. And in my situation, he
probably heard me say this before.My dad was in the navy, and

(09:39):
he was gone in a really inconsistentway, inconsistent pattern. In other words,
the ship would be gone for aweek, and then he'd be back
for two months, and then he'dbe gone for three months, and then
back for three days and then gonefor six days or whatever. And so
that inconsistency of presence of parents was, you know, deregulated me, destabilized

(10:01):
me in some way. I didn'tknow this. I was just a little
kid. But it also whenever Ihad that experience with a romantic partner later
in life, my brain confused itwith love, because somehow that went to
sort of create my faulty model oflove. The other thing about my dad
that was great is he he reallyloved us and cared about us, and
he felt bad that he had thisjob and he was away all the time.

(10:24):
So when he'd come back, healways showered us with gifts. He
gave us lots of attention. Andthen there I am, as an adult
woman dating these either avoidant playboys whodisappeared. My nickname for them, you
know, my nickname for these guyswhere I dated so many of them,
Kayla advance retreaters, doctor Wendy.What advance retreaters? Because they would advance
and come on strong and give mewine and dine and flowers and make me

(10:48):
treat you know, just treat meso well, and then they'd retreat.
Ah, yeah, I've been there. They'd advance and they'd retreat. It
really stimulated me in some crazy way, literally crazy. I felt crazy and
I was I'm making light of it, but honestly it caused me a lot
of pain. So let me justsay that I have had a lot of
experience with long distance relationships in mylife. I also have read a lot

(11:13):
of research on long distance relationships.They tend to attract certain kinds of people
like me, the sort of anxious, ambivalent person that I used to be,
meaning I, you know, wasalways longing. I was fearing abandoned
men. But if that person wasactually there in the same city and being
very attentive to me, I'd say, Oh, they're too nice, what's
wrong with them right now? SoI was ambivalent about the closeness in some

(11:37):
way. And the other thing itattracts are people who are kind of emotionally
avoidant. No comment about what youtold me earlier, Kayla, but people
who prefer situation ships where there areno emotional strings attached, where it's kind
of like I'll just fly in,have fun, fly out, not going
to be I did not diagnose you, Kayla. Did you hear that I
did not take personal I actually likerelationships over situationships. I just find myself

(12:03):
in situation ships. Yeah, theunconscious leads us places. It really does.
But what the research says on longdistance relationships is that because people are
always like, wow, is itgoing to work? Are we gonna get
together in the same city? Well, only if you do that, if
you actually have a plan. Thebest long distance relationships have an exit date,
meaning that there's a date where oneof you is going to quit your

(12:26):
job and move to the other city. You've made a plan to do that,
or maybe the person has taken thejob just for a period of time,
like I have to go to Londonjust six months and I'll be back.
That sounds very romantic to fly inand have those dinners in London.
That's fine. That's different than thisopen ended going nowhere. Everybody nervous and

(12:46):
worried about what they're doing when they'renot there. Those long distance relationships have
a difficult time. Also, longdistance relationships do better if they started out
in the same city. You builtthe trust, you built the security.
When you're separate from your lover,you feel sad and you miss them,
and you're able to express that andyou have plans and dates on the table

(13:07):
of when to do it, Whenyou're gonna do it, you know,
meet each other, get to gettogether. That's fine. It's those that
you know. You think there's nobodyin my city to date, So I'm
just going to go on the appand I'm going to try different zip codes.
It'll be more exotic, it'll belovely to go all over the country,
and then it starts off as along distance relationship that is nothing but

(13:28):
a series of honeymoon delusions, oneafter another because you've never had the day
to day struggle, and you getthe benefit of the time delay in between
the texts and the phone calls,so if they catch you in a bad
mood, you don't have to respondat that moment. You can go get
a massage and then call them back, right, And that's not what real
life really is. I do wantto say that there's a couple red flags

(13:50):
that if you have them in yourlong distance relationship, you should be aware
of. But before I do that, I want to tell you that there's
a researcher who we have had onour show, our podcast a number of
number of times, doctor Amri Gilathat the University of Kansas, and he
has a graduate student named Nicole Phelpswho's right now as we speak, mounting

(14:11):
a study on long distance relationships.So she asked me if I would just
give a shout out about her study, and UM, We're gonna put her
email up on the doctor Wendy blogtoday on the website. So if you
go to kf I am six fortydot com and search doctor Wendy Walsh Kala
is going to put it up there. We have a little video from the

(14:33):
researcher, Nicole Phelps. I'm goingto give out our email address right now.
Get a pen, get it out, Get up pen, pencil,
do it, do it? Doit? Okay, it's Nicole m as
a Mary Nicole M. Phelps pHE LPs at KU dot edu. KU
for Kansas University, but it's UniversityKansas KU dot edu. Nicole M.

(14:54):
Phelps at KU dot edu. Sheis looking for participants. If you're in
a long distance relate. I thinkwhat she's going to have you do is
download an app and just track likehow often you're in touch or something like
that, and answer some questions aboutyour feelings and relationship quality. All anonymous.
All these research studies are anonymous.All right, So what are the
red flags? You're in this longdistance relationship and you're like, is it

(15:16):
going to work or is it notgoing to work? Well? I know
we all have these thoughts. Wewonder what our partner is doing when we're
not with them. We might feelbecause of this worried, we might feel
frustrated, we might even feel jealous, and we might even like provoke them
to try to get show their attentionto us by grilling them about who are

(15:41):
they seeing or what are they doingright? All this is unhealthy behavior,
just letting you know. However,if your partner ask you, ask if
they can track you because they wantto feel more secure in the relationship,
that's a big red flag. Okay, you can't sacrifice your privacy just because

(16:03):
your partner has their own anxiety,their own mistrust. Okay, So if
you are asked by your partner ina long distance relationship to hand over passwords
to your social media, your emailaccounts that they can online stock you or
do location services. Now again,this is a different situation then if you've
been in a long term relationship fora couple of years, somebody's taken a

(16:25):
job in another city and for securitypurposes, you want to know where each
other are. But you've built thetrust in security. But this is different.
Somebody going who are you going with? Where are you going? Why
are you're out with them? Andthen they ask you can they track you?
Don't do it? This is areally really red flag. And there's
one other huge red flag. Ithas to do with those sexy pictures and

(16:48):
videos. And I'm going to breakit down and explain the law and the
rules for love to you after mynext guest. You know who I have
coming up? Oh my gosh,a world famous sex researcher Peggy Cline plats
you won't believe what she says aboutcouples who have magnificent sex. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show andkf I AM six forty. We're live

(17:10):
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You'relistening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
kf I AM six forty. Welcomeback to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty, but liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Ever,
wonder why some people want to havesex a lot and some people don't want
to have sex a lot or justsometimes you know, you could spend a

(17:33):
lot of time with a sex therapisttrying to figure out if you've got a
sexual dysfunction, if your partner hasa sexual dysfunction. But the researcher that
I want to introduce now actually studieswhat works in sexual relationships. She's a
professor in the Faculty of Medicine atthe University of Ottawa. I would like
to welcome doctor Peggy Kline Plats,Doctor Cleinplatz. Did I say your name

(17:56):
correctly? You did, like youDctor Walsh, Welcome, Welcome. So
basically, what's so interesting about yourresearch is that you say that men and
women actually have more in common sexuallyas far as you're concerned, than not.
Can you explain sure, I thinkmost sex therapists and sex research is

(18:22):
focused on what's wrong the sexual dysfunctions, what are the reasons for low sexual
desire? And sure enough, lowlibido is the most common thing that sex
therapists come across in men and women, of young people of old people,
people of every age, people inevery demographic. The main things they complain

(18:44):
about are related to desire. Andgiven that I mostly work with couples,
or is referred to by most ofus in the field as sexual desire discrepancy.
So and I'm sure that most coupleis the important part. In my
word, most couples are listening,probably at least every once in a while,
have this issue where one person hasthis desire to have hot sex and

(19:08):
the others as a million reasons,but doesn't have the same kind of desire
And so what have you discovered inyour research? Well, whereas most people
are studying the person with low desireto figure out what's wrong with that person
for not wanting sex, my researchteam, the Optimal Sexual Experience Research Team

(19:33):
at the University of Ottawa, hasspent the last fifteen almost twenty years now
studying couples where their sex got betterand better over time to find out what
they were doing right and when itcomes to sex that's really fulfilling. We
don't see any differences between men andwomen, between people who are gay or
straight, people who are kinky orvanilla. What we find is that the

(19:59):
stuff makes people glow in the darkis the same no matter who you are,
and when people are having sex it'sreally worth wanting. Then we don't
see problems of sexual desire discrepancy.But what is it that people can be
doing. What are we missing outon? What is this important information?

(20:19):
Because there is a lot of fingerpointing in bedrooms that there's low desire and
it's somebody's fault, But what isthe magic for these couples that you say,
actually start to have better sex astheir relationship unfolds. Yeah, it's
not about magic, and it's notabout the usual tips, tricks, technique

(20:45):
and toys mentality. It's about thestuff that makes people really feel connected within
and with each other. So someof the obvious stuff that we forget yet
in long term relationships trust, authenticity, the kind of communication that lets you

(21:07):
really feel known and loved and whereyou can be yourself and know that whatever
is revealed in moments of intense eroticintimacy will be not only seen, but
cherished and treasured by your partner,so that you can afford to let go.

(21:30):
Oh that's so sweet. So,for instance, would you recommend that
couples always, if at least growenough trust to discuss their fantasies with each
other. Well, I'm not sosure. It's about telling information, not
about a little to the left,slowdown or here's my heart of sexual fantasy.

(21:56):
I think it's more about the kindof trust that's required to be yourself
in the moment during sex. Soit's less about the right words, and
it's more about the kind of empathiccommunication that allows you to open up not
just literally but metaphorically, so thatsomeone can really get under your skin and

(22:19):
get to know you. You knowwhat this brings to mind for me,
doctor Klein Platts. When I waspregnant with my first daughter and I was
taking all these labor prep getting readyto deliver that natural childbirth class, one
of the things they talked about isthey said, you really need to learn
to turn off your mind during laborand let the animal take over. You

(22:42):
need to literally stop overthinking the process, relax your body, and enjoy the
experience. And it's sort of stuckwith me that this instructor had said this
that we are you know, obviouslywe are thinking, and we're intellectual creatures,
but sometimes that can get in theway, especially if the thoughts involve
emotions like shame. Right, ifwe could just learn to I mean,

(23:06):
I hate to to say, justrelax, but you know, if we
could learn to let our bodies dowhat they need to do. Then you
mentioned something wonderful empathic communication. Explainthat. Sure in the couples the sex
loves got better and better as theyhit their sixties, seventies, and eighties.

(23:29):
It turned out that they were capableof being empathic in the way they
communicated with words and more importantly,perhaps through touch. Now, think about
okay, not giving birth, butthe way your body feels when you know
that somebody is about to give youa vaccine. You know, your arm
tightens up right right now, Thinkabout the way your body feels as you're

(23:55):
getting into a hot tub. It'sjust the right temperature your whole body goes.
That's easy for someone to feel youand get under your skin in the
hot tub, so to speak,but not so easy for the person to
really get to know anything. Butthe fact that your arm is tight as

(24:17):
you're getting a vaccine. Yes,right, defensive. So empathic communication is
not just about sharing the right words. It's about touching somebody in such a
way that you're really responding to thenuances of that person, so that you
can feel into that person's space becausethat person trusts you enough to let you

(24:42):
in literally metaphorically. And similarly,it means that when you touch your partner,
you're touching in such a way asto really try to get to know
that person. I mean, sooften I've heard patient in my office complain,
you know, when my partner touchesme, it doesn't matter where my

(25:03):
partner is giving me a BackRub ora foot rubb, or stroking my genitals.
It's as if my partner's polishing wood, you know, back and forth
and back and forth. It's asif my partner's not actually touching me and
communicating empathetically through touch means that youreally are touching with the sensitivity that's required

(25:25):
to really come to know another person, which is unique to that person in
that moment. You can't just pickup some formula by reading a book.
You can't even just repeat what worklast week. It's a question of getting
to know the person all over againevery time the two of you touch and
through touch. I want to talkmore about this. We have to go

(25:48):
to a break right now. Canyou stay with me, Doctor client Plats,
I'd be delighted, Doctor Walsh,I want to when we come back,
discuss one quote that you are worldfamous for. Your quote is it's
rational to have a low desire forundesirable sex. When we come back,
doctor Moore from Doctor Peggy Cline Platz, a professor at the Faculty of Medicine

(26:11):
at the University of Ottawa that's inCanada where I'm from. You're listening to
the doctor Wendy Walls show and kfI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio appute. You're listeningto Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf
I AM six forty. Welcome backto the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty. My guest doctorPeggy kline Platz, Professor and the Faculty

(26:33):
of Medicine at the University of Ottawaand the author of the book Magnificent Sex.
Okay, Doctor Kleinplatz, your quoteis so fascinating to me because there's
been so much discussion over the yearsand even diagnosis about people who have low
desire. I'm going to share apersonal story. I dated this playboy on
and off for ten years. Ihad an anxious attachment style. He had

(26:56):
an avoidant style. He triggered mein all kinds of ways, so I
would try to set up boundaries bynot physically responding to him sexually, and
he'd say, you know, hewould use the term you're frigid and there's
something wrong with you, right,you need to And I remember thinking like,
maybe there's something wrong with me.But I didn't know about all the
psychological pieces that also go into sexthat sex very much is partly biological,

(27:22):
partly psychological, and even sometimes sociologicalif you like somebody's resume. So your
quote it's rational to have a lowdesire for undesirable sex says what, well,
I think you've just proven with youranecdote that sex doesn't exist to a
vacuum. You knowingly turned yourself offbecause there were problems exactly and howd your

(27:48):
partner created a more fulfilling relationship withyou. I'm willing to bet the tvie
would have created sex worth wanting.So context is everything When we assess for
sexual problems. We typically look atthe biological, or the psychosocial, or
the interpersonal, but there's more.There's stuff like what is the quality of

(28:15):
sex itself? Is the vision ofsex that you have in the vision of
your sex that your partner has?Are they compatible? Are you both having
the same idea as to what sexideally should look like? And if the
two of you have different visions ofwhat sex ought to be, then it's
no wonder that the sex you endup having might not be desirable for one

(28:37):
of you or both of you.So it's not so much about compatibility,
though that's part of it, it'sabout something more basic. What do you
want sex to look like? Doyou want it to be an hour and
a half of leisurely, slow,sensual caressing. Are you looking for something
hot and heavy that lasts for tenminutes? What's your perfect vision? And

(29:06):
how do you deal with couples thatmay have two different visions of sex and
you know they're committed to each otherintellectually, they may have children, they're
going to stay together. How doyou treat couples who may have two you
know now they're into it for fiveor seven or ten years, and they
go, wait a minute, wewant two different things sexually. What's the
answer. I have yet to havea couple who walks into my office with

(29:30):
the question for in that way.Usually they frame it as you know that
one is a sex addict while thatother one is asexual. The reality is
they don't bother really talking to eachother about what they each want most.
And if I can get them talkingabout what each one would find desirable to

(29:51):
desire, disorder quote unquote tends togo away. So I need to get
them talking at a level where theycan each at least be on this in
page about what they would each findarousing and worth wanting. And if instead
of settling for the lowest common denominator, I can get them to shoot for
the highest common denominator, they mightactually both find the kinds of sexual experiences

(30:17):
that would make them each glow inthe dark. You know what, this
reminds me of the stuff we learnedin our BA and psychology. How Sigmund
Freud took these women who had thesepsychosomatic disorders. You know, we call
them conversion disorders today. Back thenthey called it hysteria, where they literally
would have paralysis and blindness, andhe could actually just get them talking about

(30:41):
what they were experiencing the trauma intheir lives, and the physiological problems started
to go away. And so Ithink we all need to within our interpersonal
relationships, who are sexual relationships.I do think we need to talk more
about sex, not complain about sex, but talk more about what section look
like to us. Don't you agree? I agree with you very strongly,

(31:03):
and I'll even go a step further. There's something inherently erotic about making yourself
emotionally naked to a partner that whenyou really reveal who you are, there's
something hot about it. I mean, think about what we do when we're
dating. We ask each other lotsand lots of questions, Oh, where
are you from, what did youlike when you were in school, what

(31:26):
was your favorite subject, what's yourfavorite color? We get to know each
other, and there's something very appealingabout that process. And very often once
people get into long term relationships,they stop revealing themselves, and the act
of revealing oneself erotically need not stop. That's why I was saying before,

(31:52):
you know, just because something workstoday doesn't mean you want the formula for
how to get it right every time. There's nothing more are undesirable then doing
what works relentlessly. But if wecan change to talk about and reveal who
we are as erotic beings, thenyeah, by stage erotic. I often

(32:16):
use the metaphor that if many couplesin long terminogamy do figure out what works
and do that same thing over andover, and then it's like the erogen
zones to shrink and shrink and shrink, and it's like they're playing what used
to be a twelve string guitar andthey're down to plunking one little string left,
and we have to sort of stretchit out and play the whole song

(32:39):
and use every note possible. Andsometimes you have to like not be lazy,
like say what where can we addnovelty? What can we do to
make this feel different? Because it'san investment in our relationship. I do
think of our sex lives. Youknow, couples will put equal money into

(33:00):
their pension funds together, they willinvest in their child's education, but investing
in their relationship sometimes means investing inthe sexual relationship and doing what it takes
to continue to make it great.You know, before we go, I
would love for you to give usone little takeaway that every married couple in

(33:21):
America can do today or tonight.And I know you're not about tips,
tricks, or techniques, but isthere something they can think or feel to
help their relationship tonight. I'm notabout tips or tricks or doing, but

(33:42):
I would encourage them to find waysto reconnect emotionally, which will become the
foundation or reconnecting erotically. Isn't thattrue? One of my favorite studies on
men who never cheated. That's aninteresting population to study, men who have
never had affairs. When they wereasked why, they said, well,

(34:04):
I had opportunity, but I hadsuch a close emotional connection to my partner,
I didn't want to hurt her.It's the glue emotional connection. Thank
you so much for being with us, Doctor Peggy Cline Platts. Can you
tell people where they can find yourbooks? They can find Magnificent Sex Lessons
from Extraordinary Lovers at their favorite bookstoreor online and it's by me and Wonderfu.

(34:30):
Doctor Dan m Na, thank youso much for being with us.
When we come back. Do youwonder sometimes if you're in a relationship with
a narcissist, Well, apparently ifyou go on the internet, that seems
to be like half the boyfriends outthere. Well, it's not true.
I'll explain when we come back.You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
on KFI AM six forty. We'relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio Apple. You've

(34:52):
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.You can always hear us live on kf
I Am six forty from seven tonine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand
on the iHeartRadio app.