@DrWendyWalsh (04/30) Hour 2

Dr. Wendy is talking affection around the world. What parts of the world are the most and least affectionate? Also Dr. Wendy is answering your relationship questions. It's all on KFIAM-640.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AMsix forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. Okay, let's talkabout our love lives. Okay. I
like to be touched, but onlyby people that I like. Okay,

(00:21):
So here's the thing. Some peoplelike to be touched a lot. Some
people don't like to be touched verymuch. This is in general. Some
people like public displays of affection,others do not. Some people like to
be touched in certain ways in certainplaces. Other people have different places and
different ways. In other words,we're all different when it comes to affection.

(00:45):
However, a new term has croppedup on the TikTok. TikTok,
the social arbiter of our time hascome up with yet another phrase, and
this is called the bristle reaction.The bristle re action, I guess somebody
did a video about it and Igot one hundred and six million views.
So now one hundred and six millionpeople are thrown around this term. The

(01:07):
bristle reaction to describe flinching or tensingup when your partner unexpectedly hugs or kisses
you. Okay, now I needto be clear. This is not a
psychological term. This is not apsychological diagnosis. If I dug back into
some of the textbooks I read backin the day, we might use psychobabble

(01:30):
like tactile defensiveness, tactile sensitivity,or tactile hyper sensitivity, these kinds of
things. Maybe, just maybe,But the bristle reaction is not a thing.
Okay, it's not a thing.However, there is this idea that
every once in a while you bristle, you feel extrasensitive, you don't like

(01:57):
a touch. Now, I wantto be really clear year that it is
always okay to not want to betouched, and you don't always need to
provide a reason to your partner.My favorite saying was written to me in
an email by one of my heroes, Glorious Steynham back of the day.
She was talking about something else.She was talking about sexual harassment, but

(02:20):
she said, everybody's rights stops atour skin. Think about that in the
abortion debate. Everybody's rights stop atmy skin. Okay, and so that
also is touched. You don't actuallyhave to give a reason. Now,
let's talk about the people who aremore likely to have this so called bristle

(02:45):
reaction, people who are neurodivergent.Right, there are some people who have
all kinds of tactile sensitivity. Onetime I was chaperoning a field trip in
like the fourth grade, and therewas one boy undiagnosed but clearly on the
spectrum. And my job as theparent was to count them when they got
on the bus so that the teacherknew how many she had on that bus.

(03:07):
So as they went along, Itapped each gently on the shoulder,
one, two, three, asI'm counting. As they're going up the
stairs, I watched that kid getcloser and closer in the line. I
watched the terror on his face,and I watched him do this crazy deep
dive around my hand so that hewould not be touched. And I felt

(03:28):
so bad afterwards. It broke myheart. I should have had the wherewithal
to think, don't even tap akid on the shoulder. You just don't
know, right. As soft asit was a soft tap, it was
a lovely tap. Okay, Sopeople sometimes who are on the spectrum have
all kinds of physical sensitivities. Myown daughter, when she was little,
would scream, it's unconsfortable. It'sunconsfortable. So she was two or three

(03:52):
and she would say, and Idon't like this fabric. It's terrible.
Also, people who have experienced traumaas children, whether it was physical abuse
or sexual abuse, may have aquite a large startle effect when they don't
expect to get a touch in acertain way. So we have to be
understanding of this. However, ifyou've been in a relationship with your partner

(04:15):
for some time and all of asudden you notice yourself getting the so called
bristle effect when they touch you,let's talk about what could be going on
there. I've actually was in arelationship once that was like this. He
was not affectionate at all with meexcept if you wanted sex. So therefore

(04:35):
I couldn't get a free kiss ora hug unless I was going to quote
unquote go all the way right.And so what happened is I would start
to bristle when he would come witha hug because it felt like pressure,
and I didn't like that pressure.Even though, hey, gentlemen, I
want to say, if you're asingle guy listening to this right now,

(04:58):
please know this. If you're ona first or second or third date with
a woman and she chooses to giveyou some affection hugs and kisses, she
doesn't want to go any further.I mean, she might want to,
but there's a very good chance thatthis is not an invitation for more.
Women love to just make out andthat's it it ends for them at that
point. In fact, there's someresearch to show that women actually unconsciously get

(05:23):
a lot of information about your geneticfitness through the taste of your salivah.
We actually kiss to check you out. You brush your teeth before you go
on that date. So please knowthat if a woman is kissing you and
hugging you and cuddling you, itdoesn't This is not evidence that she wants
more. Okay, So if you'rein a relationship, if it's turned into

(05:46):
pressure, then you've got to havea conversation about it. You've got to
talk about I would like some affectionthat doesn't lead into something. Also,
if you're just somebody who just bristles, maybe you've had trauma or whatever,
scheduled time for affection scheduled time forskin to skin time and also be more

(06:08):
clear about who's initiating sex when orwhat. Have a system so that you
don't have this kind of so calledburstle effect. By the way, when
we are speaking about touch and affectionand kissing and hugging, you know,
there's research on what goes on aroundthe world in people's relationships. A new

(06:29):
research published in the peer review journalScientific Report, so you know it's a
good one, looked at almost eightthousand people in thirty seven different countries.
They had to be in a relationshipin order to participate, and they filled
out a questionnaire where they were askedtwo things. One how much you'll love
your partner, okay, on ascale of one to ten. How in

(06:49):
love are you? It's a tenfor me, Julio. I hope you're
listening. It's a ten. Ilove you. But they were also shown
pictures. I love the shown picturesof people embracing stroking, stroking not on
genitals, just stroking, kissing,and hugging. Okay, I love that

(07:11):
they showed pictures. And here's whypeople are confused about any sexual survey or
any affection survey, because if theyhaven't experienced it, or they call it
by a different name. They mightlike some people say sex is kissing.
It's a form of sex. Itis, I guess, and so they
say, did you have sex withthat person? Yes? I did we
kiss? Right? And so whenyou actually show pictures like did you do
this with your partner in the lastweek. So they were actually able to

(07:35):
figure out right through a percentage ifit's one of the four behaviors twenty five
two of the four fifty percent,three seventy five percent, all four behaviors
embracing stroking, kissing, and hugging, that's one hundred percent. So then
they were able to calculate the averagevalue for all the participants in one country,
and the scientists could come up withwhich countries are the most affectionate and

(07:59):
which are the least affectionate. Iwas surprised by this data, and I
will tell you about it when wecome back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AMsix forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to DoctorWendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty. Welcome back to the DoctorWendy Walls Show on kf I Am six

(08:24):
forty. We're live everywhere on theiHeartRadio app. Okay, we're talking about
this study, a good research study, more than eight that almost eight thousand
people in thirty seven countries. Theyasked them to look at pictures of people
embracing, stroking, kissing, andhugging, and they asked them how often
they did those things with their partnerin the last week. And they also
asked them how much they loved theirpartner. And then they were able to
do a country by country analysis basically, who's the most lovey dovey, who

(08:48):
kisses the most, who hugs themost? Well, the number one country,
No, I'm going to save theone to the last. How about
United States comes in number four?Folks, that's pretty good. Actually,
we hugging even in non sexual ways, in business, hug before meetings,
whatever, huggers. COVID was hardon a lot of Americans because they couldn't
hug right now, we have toask consent. Remember we had a guest

(09:09):
in the studio a couple of weeksago and she goes, can I take
a picture for Instagram? And Igo, yes, are you comfortable?
If I put my hand on yourshoulder, like you gotta ask, the
conversations have completely changed changed. Yougotta right, okay. Number three coming
in number three was Kuba. Ofcourse those they're dancing, Latin people who
love each other. Of course they'rehugging and kissing. Number two shocked the
heck out of me. The countryin the world who comes in second for

(09:33):
the most amount of kissing and huggingGermany. Germany, I always thought that
be like cold kind of no.Okay, and their neighbor right next door
comes in number one. Austria.Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Isn't he from
Austria? He hugged Maria Shriver andthen he hugged that housekeeper too much.
Oh, it's the whole thing.Okay, it happens, Okay. The

(09:58):
least affectionate countries number one China,Oh, Chinese people, you need to
hug more. The Netherlands and Ukraine. Oh, I just want to go
over and give them all a hugnow they're in a war. Researchers also
found there was a clear association betweenhow much people said they loved their person

(10:20):
and how much they touched their PERSONAda da da I always hug Julio every
day, at least five times aday. And also we hold hands whenever
we walk. We don't even thinkabout it. We realize we've just switched
our coffee to the other hand andwe're holding hands. It's just something we
do unconsciously because we like the touch. That's what I will say. All

(10:41):
right, if you're in a newrelationship, or if you're in the dating
world, you may have a listof deal breakers. I want to say
very clearly that deal breakers are importantand you do need a list because that
list shows that you have boundaries.Right. However, I have noticed with

(11:01):
people who ask me to help themmake their dating profile or whatever, that
they have too many deal breakers,and deal breakers are so unfair to the
individuals out there. They're really unfairexpectations. They're asking too much of people,
right. Are we asking for themto put us on a pedestal or
bow down to us? Are weasking them to be this perfect person?

(11:24):
I want to say this, youhave a one hundred percent chance in your
life of never meeting a perfect person. They don't exist. In fact,
I think when we go out ona first date. I did this with
Julio actually, instead of saying Itold him, Instead of saying how perfect
we are and trying to sell eachother to each other, why don't we

(11:46):
talk about the one reason why weare undateable? And we told each other
secrets like think we're a bit embarrassedabout on the very first coffee date,
and therefore we started to develop intimacyfrom the beginning. But I often say
that people should go on first datesand kind of be like, all right,
let me try to figure out whatthis person's craziness is and see if
I get live with it, Becausethat's really what a healthy relationship is,

(12:09):
knowing somebody doesn't match your perfect desires, your idea of a perfect person,
and still knowing you can love them. Right. So, things that I
used to put on my deal breakerlist were a history of domestic violence,
Like that's a good thing to haveon your list, right. One time
I was out at a bar andI met Mike Tyson and he asked for

(12:30):
my phone number years ago. Iwas young and hot, and I was
like, m no, that's likewell documented fighting. He gets paid to
fight. He bit somebody's ear off, there was a rape thing he served
tut no, no, no,no, No, it's not like people
can't change, and I think MikeTyson probably has changed. I just want
to say that when we are undergreat stress, and at no other time

(12:54):
in our lives will be under greaterstress than when we're in a fight,
in a relation, in an intimaterelationship, the tools that become available to
people are often the weapons of theirchildhood. If they were Oh that's the
other thing. If they suffered severechildhood abuse and they haven't done the healing
work, they're still in a victimplace or a blaming the world place.

(13:16):
That's a deal breaker for me.And then on the light side, I
don't like people who don't tip well. When I'm on a first date.
My little eye goes over when they'reciting the checket. I try to see
if they tipped well or not,because it's a big indicator. Listen,
I happen to be a landlady.I know the laws very well. And
also even if the laws weren't there, I would never discriminate against things like

(13:41):
gender or sexual orientation or racer atreligion or ethnicity like do right. But
the one thing I can discriminate againstis credit rating, because your credit rating
doesn't say, if you're rich orpoor necessarily, but what it does is
it shows that you have mental health, that you have the psychological ability to

(14:01):
take on risk, and you havethe ability to be a good person,
plan execute know that your rent isdue, do it right well. I
also think that when they tip wellin a first date, they're trying to
show that they care about the peopleno working people out there. Plus,
I was a waitress for a lotof years, and I always feel that

(14:22):
those twenty percent tippers make up forall the five percent or the ten percent
or the no tippers. Right whilewe're on the topic of tipping, because
I digress, but I do haveto say this. I was happy that
Starbucks finally added a thing where youcan now if you're paying by credit card
or the app, you can adda tip, which is fine. Lowest

(14:43):
amount of tip is one dollar,by the way, so you can't add
fifty cents. But now I noticeevery single fast food takeout where you're not
actually getting service, they're asking youto pay for service. That thing comes
up all the time when you putyour credit card in the little machine,
how much would you like to tap? And some of them start at eighteen
percent. Wait a place where there'sno service. Why do I sound like

(15:03):
John and Ken complaining right now?But it's like, there's a place there,
I'm not getting any service. I'mstanding at the counter. You're giving
me my food in a paper cup, and I'm carrying it to my table.
So what am I paying for?And does it start at eighteen?
Then they have twenty twenty five percent? Okay, well you generous people that
hit the twenty five percent button.I love you. I would like to
date you, except to have aJulio you'd have to fight him, all

(15:26):
right, So deal breakers? Doyou have a particular deal breaker? Caleb.
I don't trust people that don't haveany friends or family. That's another
one, the lone wolves. Yeah, yeah, they need to have social
support. So guys, if youwant to impress women, just go out
and get some friends. Do groupdates. I like long term friends personally,
Like you can't have all friends thatyou just met a week ago.
I don't trust you. That's alsoan issue. Or too many friends,
too many best friends. I don'tknow. I want to dated this guy

(15:48):
and we had a bunch of datesand he was really great, and we
started sleeping together. You know,cocooning, but hadn't met any of his
friends. So then we started takingour relationship out into the real world and
he invited me to some bar wherehe knew some friends were going to be
in another social function, and Inoticed his friends treated him bad and I
was like, oh, he's notwell liked. Yeah, it was a

(16:08):
big red flag. So anyway,all I want to say about deal breakers
is this, have a small list, don't make it too long, Please,
don't make it too superficial. Andladies, I just have to add
this, if male height and hairis top of your list, you're being
superficial. That's like a guy sayingshe has to have big breasts, okay,
and we don't like it when theysay that, So why would you

(16:30):
do that to them? There areso many amazing men who are height challenged,
who maybe losing their hair. Juliohas no hair anymore. He showed
me a picture of him with hairwhen he was young, and I was
like, ooh, I don't thinkI would have liked you then, but
please open up your eyes. Respondto these guys on those dating apps.
Please. I need to make outa plea for them, because they're such
great guys and they will make greatboyfriends and husbands. Okay, when we

(16:53):
come back, I am going tobe going to social media to answer some
of your questions. If you wouldlike to send me a question and just
send me a DM on Instagram orTikTok and the handle is at doctor Wendy
Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Mydrive by Makeshift Relationship Advice is coming up
next. You're listening to the DoctorWendy Walsh Show and k I I am
six forty. We're live everywhere onthe iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor

(17:18):
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AMsix forty. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show at kf I Amsix forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. Well, this isthe time of the show where I give
you some of my Auntie wisdom,my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Just
a reminder, I am not atherapist. I'm a psychology professor, but

(17:38):
I have been obsessed with the scienceof love for a few decades. I've
written three books on relationships, TheBoyfriend Test, The Girlfriend Test, and
The Thirty Day Love d talks,and I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory.
And I've had a lot of experiencewith relationships in my life because I

(18:00):
had to learn the hard way.I had to overcome some of my early
childhood trauma. I had to overcomesome of my attachment anxiety to finally find
a secure relationship. So I havelearned experientially. All right, let us
go to social media. If you'dlike to send in a question, just
follow me on social media. Thehandle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr
Wendy Walsh. All right, deardoctor Wendy, How can I tell if

(18:23):
I'm being verbally abused? I don'tthink my boyfriend knows the power of his
words. He always calls me kayleam. I allowed to say this on
air. Maybe we should just saydumb. Dumb another word for donkey,
Another word for donkey that starts withthe letter A dumb. The kids are

(18:45):
in the backseat going, what doyou mean, mom? What do you
mean? Anyway, he calls methis a dumb whatever, and he says
it in a light, joking matter. It's just how he talks. But
I think it's name calling and it'sstarting to have an effect on me.
How interesting the question is? AmI being verbally abused? I want to

(19:06):
say that people who have a kindof an insecure attachment style or less self
esteem often ask questions like that,is this normal? Is this right?
Is this happening? Where's my boundary? What's okay? What's not? And
a lot of my job as anold auntie here is to say now,
that's not okay, right? AndI would say that about this too.

(19:30):
And I want to remind everybody ifyou have any friends, family lovers who
make all those jokes, those sarcasticjokes or saying things, and then try
to erase it by saying, how'sthis joking? Just kidding? No,
no, no, there is alittle bit of truth behind every single joke.

(19:51):
Plenty of cruel people use humor asa way to hurt others. So
verbal fully abused sure sounds like abig diagnosis. I don't want to say
that. Why don't I just saythat your boyfriend's behavior should be unacceptable to
you and you should be able tosay to him, I don't like it

(20:14):
when you make those jokes, andI don't like it when you call this,
call me this. I'm gonna tellyou a story. So when I
was twenty, I had a bigwhite Catholic wedding for my mother. I
was living with my college boyfriend,and she stopped talking to me, and
it was manipulative. It was wronganyway, poor guy. I stuck it
out for three years as his wife. During that time, he had a
little nickname for me, which waspinhead, and whenever I would do something

(20:38):
human a mistake, he got,oh, you're such a pinhead. Is
such a pinhead, and that stuck. He said it over and over and
over. I ended up leaving thatrelationship so resentful and actually wanting to prove
to the world that I was smart, because somehow he liked to take advantage
of normal young people's mistakes and ridiculeme because of it. To this day,

(21:03):
I'm going to track him down.I'm gonna find I'm gonna tell him
I didn't like three years of beingcalled a pinhead. So there you go.
If he's calling you a dumb donkey, it's not okay, and you
need to tell him. But Ididn't have the words at the time.
I didn't have doctor Wendy to callinto and say, how do I get
him to stop calling me a pinhead. Now I'd be like, dude,
don't call me that. All right, let's move on. Dear doctor Wendy.

(21:26):
Oh oh, I'm sorry. Ithink my relationship is failing. I'm
feeling lonely all the time. Ican't tell if we're in a low or
it's over. We've been together forfive years. He used to be my
best friend, but now we barelytalk. I don't even know what happened
to cause this shift. What doI do? Well, I'm going to

(21:47):
tell you a story about Julio andI. We actually, as we speak,
are going through a little bit ofa funk. Now, it has
nothing to do with our relationship.Actually, it has to do with the
fact that both of us have setits stressors in our life, and therefore,
because we're busy attending to our ownpersonal stress ors, we're not able
to be the supportive partner to eachother. And how I noticed this.

(22:10):
The lucky thing for Julio is thathe's in a relationship with doctor Wendy Walsh.
What can I say? And soI noticed a last night we were
out for sushi and I was sayinga few things, and no matter what
I said, he came back withsomething negative, and I thought, oh,
was that interesting, And he evensaid sort of things to raise my
fears. Well, you know,should be careful. I'm like, that's
interesting. Usually he's my champion andmy cheerleader. This is very weird.

(22:36):
So instead of getting into it withhim, I stepped back from the whole
situation and looked at it and thoughtabout it. Oh my god, he's
going through his stuff and I'm notbeing so supportive and he's not being so
supportive. So I stopped everything andI said, wait a minute. I
noticed something. You're being a littlebit stappy. You're being snappy, and
I'm being sensitive. I did itin that cute little voice too, and

(22:57):
he's like, no, not,I'm just making the point. You know
how they do, that's what theydo. No, no, No,
you're being a little snappy and I'vebeen a little sensitive. I just want
to tell you then, I loveyou and I support you, and I'm
here for you, and this thingthat you're going through is going to pass.
And then he said and I loveyou and I support you, and
this thing you're going through is goingto pass. And then everything was coomed

(23:17):
by a again. All right,My point is This should be a model
for you in your relationship. No, your relationship is not over. It's
in a valley. It's been fiveyears. You guys forgot to reach out
to each other and exchange care emotionallywhen you need it. So what do
you do? Talk to him aboutit? Say hey, I noticed we're
getting a little distant and I missyou as my best friend. And if

(23:41):
they're not responding and don't want toparticipate and don't want to have emotional intimacy,
then you need to get a marriageand family therapist to work with it.
So, no, it's not over. But I'm sorry you're feeling lonely
in your relationship. It's not agood feeling. All right, Do you
have time for one more Caleb beforewe go to break? Now, that's
gonna break. I'm gonna bring I'mgoing oh okay, Oh somebody, I'll

(24:03):
just tell you what's coming up.Somebody had a bunch of backstabbers in her
life. Somebody else is dating arecovering alcoholic, and someone else says is
asking me if love is enough?Oh, let us talk about this when
we come back. You are listeningto the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf
I AM six forty. We're liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio Accum you're listening to

(24:25):
Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kfI AM six forty. Welcome back to
the home stretch of the Doctor WendyWalsh Show on KFI AM six forty KA.
I got on such long tangents todaythat I only got to the social
media questions at the very end ofthe show. Crazy right, Better late
than never, better late than ever. Listen. If you do not follow
me on social media, you needto come to the party, Okay,

(24:47):
at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr WendyWalsh, TikTok Instagram, YouTube as well.
Come onto my Patreon. We doa live zoom room on Wednesday nights
at six thirty. A lot ofKFI listeners there. It's great, great
chat. It's not therapy or anything. We just talk about all kinds of
issues of the day and the scienceof love. And that's patreon dot com
slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,let me get to your dms and give

(25:07):
you my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Dear doctor Wendy, I have had
a rough childhood. I'm sorry somany people have I've been stabbed in the
back by people I really trusted.Hopefully that's a metaphor. It has caused
me to have trust issues. I'mnow in my late thirties and I find
myself alone. I have no friendsor love, and I'm so guarded.

(25:32):
How do I heal? Okay,this is probably the best example of somebody
who needs to reach out to alicensed therapist because in therapy you can heal
and work through the issues of youryou call it a rough childhood, whatever
trauma happen to you. But alsoyou can practice relationship skills. Your therapist

(25:55):
will teach you emotional language for words, you will find way to grow.
I mean, I can't tell youI've been in and out of therapy for
eighteen years. It has been thebest money I ever spent in my life.
I literally carry my therapist voice inmy head when I'm in all kinds
of situations. I'm like, oh, would she say I should do here?
Right? And she helped me processmy feeling so well that I process

(26:19):
them on my own. Now whenbad stuff happens, I'm like, I
hear her voice going, you knowthis is just this time or it sounds
like you're feeling threatened, but Idon't think there's that much of a threat
here. It probably has to dowith your childhood, right. It helps
you separate things, So please pleaseplease reach out to a licensed therapist.
You can start with your family physicianfor a referral. Call your insurance company

(26:42):
see what they cover. If youdon't have much money to cover the costs
of private stuff, reach out toany university that has a graduate program at
a counseling center because they always havePhD. I mean, people finish their
PhD who are earning their hours towardlicensure and their supervised so you get two
eyes of people on your case.So please reach out and give yourself this

(27:04):
gift. Dear doctor, Wendy writesthis person, I'm dating a former alcoholic.
He's six months clean and I'm soproud of him, but I just
feel like I have replaced alcohol.He now seems addicted to me. Oh
he wants me around twenty four sevenand wants me to text with him and
call him all day long. Ohoh, I want to distance myself,

(27:26):
but I don't want him to relapse. Okay, if you want to keep
relationship with this person. You needto go to Alanon seriously because you'll become
an enabler. You've already just sayingthat sentence like I want to distance myself,
but I don't want him to relapse, means that you are now taking
responsibility for his drinking behavior. Right, His drinking behavior and his recovery is
for him to deal with. Okay, it's not your job to heal him,

(27:48):
not your job to do anything.But also, you know, in
alcoholics anonymous, they tell them notto have a romantic relationship or at least
until after a year of sobriety,because it takes that long to really heal.
So there is a good chance thatas you're reporting, he's becoming addicted
to you now, right, SoI really really really encourage you to please

(28:14):
go to Alanon, talk to himabout this. Set your own boundaries.
Your job should be to think aboutyourself and your needs and to set up
your boundaries. And yeah, notbe thinking of it. You're not responsible
for his drinking or not not yourjob, all right, Dear doctor Wendy,
is love enough? Oh? Whata big question. I've been with

(28:36):
my partner for thirteen years. We'regrowing further and further apart. What is
happening with everybody falling further apart?Is love enough to hold it together?
Oh, let's talk about what loveis. So at the beginning of a
relationship, love is a cocktail ofneural hormones that create lust, that make
you want to be with the personall the time, be drawn to them.
After love starts to evolve into anintellectual kind of commitment love, you

(29:00):
do a cost benefit analysis and yousay, here they're good points, here
they're bad points. I can livewith this. I can't live with this.
It's a I can make it.This is going to be fine.
I am making a decision. Loveis a decision to make a commitment to
somebody. So it starts out withan illusion, a wonderful, delicious delusion,
those neural hormones of lust and attraction, and then it goes into intellectual

(29:22):
commitment, and then it goes intothe daily work of love. It doesn't
go on autopilot. This idea thatbecause you loved someone, once you've made
a commitment to them, that everythingwill be hunky dory and you don't have
to do any more work is crazy. Love is about work, but it's
joyful work. It's about showing gratitudeto your lover. It's about giving affection

(29:44):
to your lover. It's about expressingto your lover what your needs are.
It's about talking about your future goalstogether that may change all the time as
you grow as individuals. This isthe work of intimacy. This is the
work of love. Love isn't afeeling that's just going to carry you along.
Love is about seeing that person asan individual and understanding them and watching

(30:10):
them grow, and also showing yourpartner who you are and who you've become,
and continuing to invest in the relationship. Giving an investment of time,
giving an investment of care, givingan investment of affection, giving an investment
maybe financially. Giving an investment intoyour relationship is what helps love last.

(30:34):
It doesn't happen on its own.I'll tell you this. I've spent oh
gosh, three decades and i continueto read about the science of love,
and I'm always amazed because new generationof lovers are coming on board every year.
How people understand so little about this. They think of love as a

(30:56):
mystery, They think of love asa magical spell. Love can actually be
broken down into a very clear,hard science. And it doesn't mean People
say to me, well, sinceyou know so much about love, does
that mean you don't feel it.No, I feel it too, but
I also watch it. I go, Oh, that's what this is.
This is just a feeling of lustand attraction. Oh, this is that
delusion where I think the person's perfect. Oh, this is where I feel

(31:18):
like all is lost because I realizethey're not perfect. Oh, this is
me making a commitment to love,just like the textbooks say. This is
me Rick recognizing that we're in alittle valley right now, so I've got
to invest more in the relationship atthis time. You see, I feel
it and I do it, butI also watch it and I do it
for you two. It is myhonor to weigh in on your love lives

(31:41):
every week here on kaya Fhi.I've been here nine years now. It
is my pleasure. What are wegoing to do for the tenth anniversary,
Kayla? We should come up withsomething, definitely, something huge to a
party. Yeah. Anyway, havea wonderful week. I'd love to see
on my Patreon zoom room on Wednesdaynight. Just go to patreon dot com.
Slash doctor Wendy Walsh follow me onmy social media at doctor Wendy Walsh

(32:02):
post videos all the time, butI'm always here for you on KFI Am
six forty every Sunday night from sevento nine pm. We'll see you next
week. You've been listening to DoctorWendy Walsh, you can always hear us
live on kf I Am six fortyfrom seven to nine pm on Sunday and

(32:22):
anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.