May 8, 2023 • 34 mins
Dr. Wendy is moving again! She is talking the psychology of moving. Can charisma be learned? Dr. Wendy breaks it down! Loneliness is just as unhealthy as smoking. How to cure loneliness? It's all on KFIAM-640.
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(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio Appy Am six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Haylo, you know what last weekwas your birthdam I have to tell you
(00:20):
a funny story. I was outat eight like a dinner thing. It
was a vineyard thing. It wasoutdoors with a bunch of you know,
grown up people. I'm not shy, but my age. And there in
the garden doing photo opportunities was themost beautiful young sixteen year old girl and
her gaggle of sixteen year old friends. And she had two giant pink balloons
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and one was a number one andone was a number six, and together
they made the number sixteen. Andmy daughter looked at me and said,
Mom, go ask her for hernumbers. Just switch him around. And
I did. I ran up toher and said, congratulations, happy birthday.
It's my birthday too. Cannot borrowthose numbers because I'm exactly in the
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opposite. I'll send you that picture. Kayla web page. Yes, please
celebrating. It's very funny. I'mlaughing anyway. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Well Show if you new to myshow. I have a PhD in clinical
psychology. I'm a psychology professor atCalifornia State University, Channel Islands, and
I know my students are very excitedbecause this week coming is our last sort
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of in person class time before wehead into final exams. So chug a
lug, chugg a lug. Thesemester's ending, and congratulations to those of
my students who are actually graduating soon. It's very, very exciting. In
my personal life, I like toread a lot about the science of love.
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I've written three books on relationships.My dissertation was on attachment theory,
and I think about attachment style prettymuch all the time because it influences every
conversation I have. Not that we'retalking about it, but I'm paying attention
to the signals and cues that peopleare giving me that let me know what
their attachment style is, so Iknow what their needs are like. If
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they're avoidant, they need a littledistance, don't get too intimate and close.
If they crave intimacy, I'll sensethat too, and I'll know to
be warm and close and cuddly,because that's the thing they need. This
can happen in a workplace, notthe cuddly part, but in a workplace.
It can happen in your friendships,it can happen in your love relationships.
So probably the most important, notwell, the most important relationship that
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we ever have, of course,is our relationship with ourself right, learning
how to be self aware, howwe impact others, Learning how to have
insight into our own feelings, learninghow to communicate those feelings to others,
learning how to have boundaries around otherpeople. That's the most important primary relationship.
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Next, as far as I'm concerned, isn't the love romantic relationship.
It's the parent child relationship, becauseso much we inject our stuff into our
kids and they grow. I mean, think of it. Every other relationship
we have in our life. Youmeet somebody and you slowly grow closer and
closer and closer and closer, exceptthe parent child relationship. You literally if
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your woman start off as one bodyand it's a slow process of separation.
Why am I bringing this up becausethis weekend I was in Santa Cruz to
see my daughter who has left thenest. My baby left the nest last
September, but we're planning on gettingback together this relationship because it was good
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for her to learn some life skills, but she needs some you know,
just like how a toddler on theplayground. They'll sort of like venture and
then they'll check back and come backand touch base with mom or dad,
and then they'll venture out again andcome back. This happens also with adolescents,
teenagers and college students. That's whyI have this theory that the more
money you pay for college, theless amount of time they keep them.
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Have you noticed the higher end thecollege It starts later in September and then
they're home for what five weeks?Six weeks at Christmas? I mean,
quit, What are we paying youmoney for this supposed to be educating them?
But I think also that coming homeof college students is an important touching
base with your secure base. Thisparticular kid of mine didn't do the traditional
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college route. She's working and learninga lot of life skills, but it's
very normal. And so this summershe's going to live with me again because
she said, I just miss yourmom, And you know what, who's
going to turn that down right.You think it's just she wants the free
rent. I don't know. MaybeI also want to tell you something else
about raising children. So our parentslive inside us long after they're gone.
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Well we know because when we parents, sometimes like my ang green mother comes
out of my mouth and I'm like, where did she come from? The
exact same nasty thing she'd say tome sometimes would come out to my kids.
But on the other end, there'sno such thing as a perfect parent.
They're all good and bad. Theydo the best with the tools they
had. But also the good ofour parents lies inside us. That if
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we had good enough parents, becausethat's all you need, good enough parents,
we have a piece of them thatwe can use during times of stress
as coping strategies. For instance,my mom had a few failings, but
one of the things she was reallygreat at is taking care of us when
we were sick, And unfortunately itmade me get sick more often to get
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her attention. But that's a wholeother thing, munch housend. But when
we got sick or had a feverwhen little little kids, she'd wrap us
in a warm blanket and she'd sitin the rocking chair with we were beyond
her lap and she would rock infront of the fire. Literally it was
Candida, it was cold, wehad fires going, and she would sing
to us, and that her voice, and that song lies inside my bones.
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So in the worst of stressful times, and we all have stress,
everybody, nobody gets out of hereeasy, trust me, um, I
go back to that, And certainlywhen I'm sick, I go back to
it. When I got a feverand I'm delirious. Okay, look,
can I just add one thing?Yeah? But what else isn't like the
COVID pandemics supposed to be ending thisweek according to who I know May eleventh.
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I guess all the money stomps orsomething? No, who people who
announced that the COVID I don't knowwhat government May eleventh. Yeah, h
w what they called it? Yeah, all right, the World Health Organization?
There you go, Yeah, theyannounced it. Yeah. Well guess
what I got through and I nevergot COVID once. Wow, knocket it
tomorrow for saying that, right.You got to be careful. Actually,
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I heard at my birthday table someof the women of a certain age are
getting their fifth Maderna shot. Now, wow, So I'm thinking better line
up for that one. I've gottenevery shot they offered, and then some
I wear a mask whenever they saidtoo, I heard you earlier talking about
airplanes. That's the one place Istill wear the mask. Yeah, but
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otherwise I'm just lucky, so Ididn't have to conjure up my mom,
is what I'm trying to say duringCOVID. However, this week, when
I was driving back from Santa Cruz, an interesting thing happened that hadn't happened
before in my life. And I'mthe number sixteen backwards, so that's a
very long time. I left atlike five in the morning. It was
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very very dark. I was onroads that I didn't recognize. My eyesight's
not what it used to be,and then started to come down torrential rain,
I mean like a swall. Aswall was happening, and of course
I was trying to listen to waysand ways was you know, every once
in a while, ways gets dementiaand it starts to take you on streets
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that doesn't and I end up inweird, what feels like dangerous places because
it's dark. And then there's aswallow and I'm on this road I'm trying
to squint and the lights are reflectingin my I was just like, I
was really scared. I was alonein the world. And then I remembered
who taught me to drive, mydad, and I remember the things he
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used to say. He would sitby the way. Both my parents died
of cancer when I was thirty.Whole long story. He used to sit
in the passenger seat. His nicknamefor me was Chick. I don't know
why, but he said it funny. Chuck, Hey, Chuck, and
he'd say, you got it,Chuck. Just hold her straight there,
Chuck, you got her, Gunner, Now, Gunner, you're getting around
the corner. You got her.And I would hear his voice and everything
he said to me. It waslike he was sitting there beside me in
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the dark. Now I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't delusional. The point I'm
trying to make to you is thatwhat we inject into our children, the
goodness and the love, comes backduring times of stress. It functions as
I'm going to use some psychobabble thatpsychologists would probably use, like an internal
working model, an internal working modelof self black. It just means you
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hold them with you the memories andthey help sustain you. And eventually the
sun rose, the rain stopped.The one oh one was spectacular all the
way down through Santa Barbara, andI felt glad that I'd had my Dad
with me in my mind during thosetimes. I do want to say one
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thing before we move on to somethingelse. I passed a lot of white
school buses on those dark roads atsix in the morning, and I was
amazed that they all seemed to betrailering a trailer that held three porta potties.
And I'm like, what kind ofschool bus brings porta potties with them?
You know where I'm going with this, right, You know exactly where
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I'm going with this. I wastraveling through the land of big agriculture,
the land of the bread basket ofAmerica, California, and I looked up
into the window of those painted whiteschool buses and I saw hard working farm
workers, women, childrenish bothers goingin the dark out to fields in the
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middle of nowhere with a porta pottywith them. I want you to think
about that the next time you throwa strawberry in the trash, Think about
the work that it take and thehuman that it took to bring it to
your Trader Joe's and your table,okay, or your Gelson's, or your
Vans or your Ralph's wherever. Thinkabout it. We need to care about
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people. I was frankly shocked tosee in the dark of that morning,
at five in the morning, howmany hard working people there are in California
bringing food to our tables. Andmy heart goes out to them, and
I have lots of gratitude too.All right, when we come back,
are you planning on moving this summer? Summer is the big moving season.
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I want to talk a little bitabout the psychology of moving because I moved
again this week. And do youknow what, when we come back,
I'm going to tell you you won'tbelieve it. I counted how many houses
I've lived in in my life.Just take a guess, Kaylea, take
a guess seven. You go withseven? Okay? Well, the average
amount of moves that the average Americanhas is eleven. Oh, just let
me say I was more than that. I'll explain when we come back.
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You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show and KF I am six forty,
but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I Am sixforty. KYF I Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
I had this conversation with my bestfriend this week because I was moving
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again, and she said again,like, didn't you just move in November?
And didn't you just move a yearbefore that? And didn't you just
move before? God, Well,there's always good reason. For many of
the time the years it was aboutgetting my kids into better schools, moving
right into the district where I neededto. I was going to try to
cheat. I'm just gonna move thereand say I'm in the zip code,
get me in that school. AndI did that many times to get my
kid the support she needed. Butthe conversation with my best friend was,
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you know, she said, Ijust moved last year, and that was
the first time I'd moved in twentyfive years. She said, when I
was a kid, we only movedonce. So she's had three houses in
her entire life, and she's likemy age sixteen backwards. So I started
doing some research on the moving phenomenon, and what happens to our psychology with
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the moving phenomenon. Well, itturns out the average American moves eleven times
in their lifespan. So if youwere counting, Kayla, you're thirty years
old, how many places have youlived and since you were born? I
was just trying to count, I'mprobably gonna set like ten yet. Yeah,
see ye around there, so you'realmost getting there. Yeah, you'll
be up to fifteen before. I'msure you'll see. Now, I grew
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up military. My dad was theNavy, And what my parents used to
do is we'd move to a newcity and they would rent a house for
the first year while they got thelay of the land, figured out the
schools and where you want to liveand whatever, and then they buy the
second year, and inevitably the placethey'd buy in would be at a different
school district. So I always wentto new school. I was always the
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new kid in class, always,always, always, And then we'd have
this house for two years and mydad would get another posting and we'd be
gone. My parents used to jokethat their real estate, their real estate
strategy was to buy high, selllow, because they had to constantly move.
It was based on the military,not on what the market was doing.
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So I saw the statistic eleven timesthat the average American moves in their
life, and I sat down,using my fingers to count all the places
I lived in. Now, someof them I couldn't remember the exact address.
I was young in its places,but I pictured my bedroom and every
single one of them, like there'sa memory, an emotion attached to our
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personal space, right our little cavewhere the tribe is. And I saw
them all in my mind's eye,very very clearly. And then I ran
out of the ten fingers, andI started again. And then I ran
out of those ten fingers, andI started again, and I got up
to twenty five. You are alwaysabove average, and so you would think.
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So the conversation with my best friendis how do you do it?
And I'm going to give you somegood strategies for like literally how to move,
because really a queen of that,I know you're thinking to get in
a new place, so you mightnote, so here's what my mom taught
us that as soon as you getto the new place, the very first
thing and she'd make sure that thatparticular box or whatever was at the first
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thing off the truck is you makeyour bed. Now. The bed might
not be put together, but themattress will be there. You got find
your sheets, find your pillows,find your duvet whatever. Make your bed.
If you start at seven in themorning moving, make your bed first,
because that sound's going to set.You haven't even found the lamp side
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of the boxes yet. That placeis going to get dark and you can't
find nothing, and you got toyour dog tired and you just want to
go to bed. So make yourbed first. Then just start doing it
box by box, and do itall at once. The worst thing you
can do is take two or threeweeks to move, because you'll never be
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organized. Here's the thing. Psychologistswould say that when we organize our external
environment, we're actually organizing ourselves internallyat the same time. So every time
you go through a box and findplaces for things, your brain is becoming
more settled. I did that allweekends, so I can tell you about
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it. How good I feel rightnow at getting through the last couple of
boxes. But I want to allso say this about moves. There's research
on military kids and frequent moves andhow destabilizing it is. We know kids
love consistency. It's good for theirdevelopment to keep close contact with the same
friends, etc. I'm proud tosay that despite all my moves, often
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it was within the same city andso my kids, each of them still
have best friends from preschool. Right. So that's one of the things,
is that keeping consistency of relationships isimportant. However, the research shows that
after five moves, kid's actually becomeresilient. It's less stressful, they become
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more adaptable to new situations. So, in other words, it's more dramatic
to move two or three times foryour kids than it is to move eight
times. Fascinating and that fascinating,yea, So they start to become resilient.
We start And this was the conversationI had with my best friend because
she'd only moved three times in herwhole life. She thinks of it as
a trauma and I'm like, no, I think of it as a new
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adventure. I do it all thetime. I'm good at it. And
here's the best thing I love aboutmoves. The perch. Oh my goodness,
I'm Arie Condo in my life.You know what, Marie Condo,
that decorator lady says. She saysthat if you hold an item in your
hand and you ask yourself, doesthis item bring me joy? And if
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the answer is no, you haveto get rid of it, cut it,
loose, dump it. And Iswear every time I move, I
do that with many, many,many items, and I feel lighter and
I feel happier. And you knowwhat else I learned. The less clothes
I have, the more outfits Ihave. It's bizarre, but you start
putting things together better in new ways. Like I've never worn this sweater with
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this before, but boy, itlooks good, doesn't it? Because I
pulled it out today? What elsedid I want to say about moving?
Get ready for a schmore gess boardof emotions, because our homes are attached
to our well being. Look,I'm a landlady. No he has a
problem moving into my building. Onehundred percent of the people have a problem
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moving out, even if they wantedto go, even if it was time,
even if there's a good reason forgoing. There's a drama over the
security deposit. There's a drama overbroken stuff. There's a drama over the
move date. There's a drama overthe people moving in there's always a drama.
It's because emotions are high with separation, and we have to acknowledge that
we have to grieve the loss ofmoving from place because you do feel unanchored
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a bit, You feel set adriftjust a little bit. And so I
often think that moving is a grievingprocess. But change is also good.
Change helps us grow. So ifyou're planning that move this summer, make
those beds first, find the lampsnext, and you can start packing a
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couple weeks early, but don't taketwo weeks to unpack. Get it all
done in one weekend. Pull anall nighter if you need to. That's
the way to do it all right. I digress because I have not talked
about the science of love and relationshiphips very long. You know who people
want to date more than anything inthe world, no matter what their gender.
Charismatic people, people who have charisma. And I used to think that
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charisma is something you're just kind ofborn with, that's your personality type,
until I did some reading and Ifound out that charisma is something that's learned,
and we can all learn these skills. Let's talk about what they are
when we come back. You're listeningto the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf
I AM six forty. We're liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
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to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand fromkf I Am sixty k AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. He is the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show. So last night I wasout to dinner with a new group of
people. There was one friend therewho I knew from a long time ago,
but she was introducing me to kindof to her group of friends.
And our host was an English gentlemanwho had a lot of charisma. Right.
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He was very funny, he was, you know, very intelligent,
he was charming, he had verygood manners. Um, what is the
definition of charisma. What would yousay? It is, Kayla, charisma.
That's a charismatic person, charming personalityand endearing personality. Yeah, it's
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somebody whose charm actually inspires devotion inothers. Right. So, charismatic leaders
sometimes are politicians, sometimes they're preachers. Sometimes they're great teachers, right,
that have a lot of charisma.But here's the thing. Charisma is not
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a personality trait. You know,psychologists don't say, oh, there's I
can I can diagnose you as beinga charismic Nope, doesn't exist. It's
actually a set of social skills thatcan literally be learned. So I did
some reading so that I could figureout how I could be more charismatic.
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Although I do radio and I doteach, so I would hope that I
have a few of these traits thatI've not inherited them, but learned them
along the way. But we canalways improve. The most important trait of
charisma, I think is self awareness, being aware of how you impact other
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people. What would people say?Reading the room, knowing how to read
the room, knowing how to saylike, for instance, what's really lucky
about me is that when I teach, I got forty thirty forty little faces
staring at me. Not so little. They're young adults, and the active
listeners are direct mirrors to whatever I'msaying. So I can see a wave
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of she did not say that,did she? I can see it on
the faces, and that I canquickly double back and correct myself. Or
I can see the quizzical look likeI'm clearly not being clear because I see
some furrowed brows here or I seethe eyelids starting to droop on a group,
and I know, oh, I'mnot being fun enough. Right.
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So I have learned from being infront of classrooms for years how to be
self aware and understand my impact onothers. But other people don't have that
skill naturally. You have to literallywatch the faces. You have to literally
stop talking so that you can getthe feedback from the people. Now,
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another component of charisma is warmth,being approachable, being understanding and caring,
being optimistic, being enthusiastic. Youknow, when I met my boyfriend Julio
almost three years ago now on Bumbleand we had our first coffee date.
And if you've been listening to myshow long enough, you've heard the story
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I said to him, and wewere out. It was during COVID outdoors
with masks on, wind blowing thewhole thing, and that was kind of
a litmus test. If guys wouldn'tdo that, I was not going to
meet him. So I said,look, instead of us just telling each
other how great we are and howdatable we are, why don't we tell
each other a story of how undateablewe are? And I told him a
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couple of things about me, andthen he told me this big thing about
him. And later I said tohim later meeting months later, you know,
because we love to revisit our firstdate, I said, what was
it about that first date? Andhe said, you know, I was
telling you something quite disturbing, Andyou seem to have this openness and this
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warmth and this desire to understand moreinstead of getting closed off or fearful.
So obviously I had that trait,the warmth. Now another trait of being
charismatic is competence. You know,we love people that we can learn from.
So if you are walking in aroom, let's say it's for a
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job interview. Let's say you're goingto meet new perspective coworkers, being competent
and having a little bit of anin charge attitude, not taking control,
but self confidence, good posture,letting them know like you don't one hundred
percent need this job, you'd likethis job, you'd be good for them,
you could help them, but youknow, just having some competence that's
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charismatic. And on that same note, while you're doing it, having relaxed
and open body language. So Iknow, we get nervous and we want
to just fold those arms across ourchest. I noticed last night at the
dinner party. By the way,I'm sitting beside the charismatic host and who
has a much bigger brain than meand more life experienced than me, and
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he's expounding on something that was veryinteresting to me, and I didn't notice
it until somebody. Why do peopleall do this nowadays? They take out
cameras iPhones in the middle of dinnerand they just start snapping pictures of people.
Do you notice this? Can't Youcan't go out without seeing it.
It's weird. Everywhere is everywhere.Yeah, so I see happened, But
I am very camera aware, Iwill say that. And I happen to
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see this iPhone go up at theend of the table and someone's taking a
picture. And I immediately when thatiPhone goes I am sternhams at. My
posture changes to my face changes.I know there's a picture coming, right,
And so I realized my hands wereacross my chest as I was listening
to the charismatic host, and Iimmediately adjusted my body language, put my
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arms, my forearms on the armrestsof the chair, and had an open
smile towards him. So the picturewould turn out well. Okay. Also,
charismatic people tend to be playful andfunny. Our host was definitely that
I try to make the odd littlejoke. I'm not a comedian, Kayla,
You're hilarious. Come, come,try to be a little funny if
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I can. They also maintain goodeye contact. We can all learn that.
Yeah, for sure, look atpeople you know nowadays. I hate
to say, especially those young peoplethat I'm staring at their phones, but
literally they're not looking people in theeye. And I'm sure the pandemic made
it worse. I know, Iknow. But the big one is praising
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others. Praising others literally finding somethingfabulous about everybody. There is something fabulous
in every single person you meet,and your job as a charismatic person is
to find that fabulosa and tell themabout it. Remind them because they're gonna
want to have you around because theyfeel good when they're around you. And
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I should add, please remember people'snames. It's super hard. So one
of my tricks is I asked themhow they spell their name. Even if
it's like Carol, I might say, is that Carol with an E or
just the traditional C L? Becauseit gives me a moment to spell it
and help myself remember it. That'smy trick genius. I also connect it
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with other people I know, LikeI met someone recently named Andy. I
didn't actually meet them out where,were emailing and I said, oh,
you know my favorite little brothers namedAndy. It just warms my heart to
type that name Andy. So Inow I connected with my little brother's name.
Anyway, that's how you become charismatic. When we come back, the
Surgeon General says that here in Americawe are in a great health epidemic and
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there's something we can all do tofix it. No, it's not COVID,
it's something else. You're listening tothe Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf
I AM six forty a live everywhereon the iHeartRadio Appum, you're listening to
doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kfI AM sixty kf I AM six forty
you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Talk to Wendy Walsh
Show. I'd like to welcome myTikTok audience. If you'd like to come
(27:33):
on to my TikTok channel, youcertainly can the handle is at doctor Wendy
Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and youcan be live in the studio with us
and see what we're doing here.So this week, did you hear we're
entering another public health epidemic. Infact, this epidemic, if you catch
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this disease, has health risks thatare the same as smoking fifteen cigarettes a
day. It's known that this healthepidemic is already costing billions of dollars every
single year here in America. It'salso estimated that it's affecting fifty fifty five
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zero fifty percent of Americans. OnTuesday, the US Surgeon General officially declared
this a public health epidemic. Loneliness, Yes, loneliness. You know.
I'm a professor at cal State ChannelIslands and one of the courses I teach
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is health psychology. And while youwould think there'd be a lot of biology,
what you should eat, if youshould exercise, how you should sleep,
and yes, some of that's there, but we also talk a lot
about our relationships. We talk abouttoxic relationships that can make your body sick,
we talk about healthy relationships can makeyour body well, and we talk
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about isolation and how dangerous it is. You see, human beings evolved to
live in tribes. We were cooperativebreeders. We worked together with a village
to raise kids. If we wereever alone in the wilderness in our historic
past, it probably meant imminent death. And so as a result, COVID
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of course increased it. We've gotpeople living alone and apartments that are not
unlike the solitary confinement that we givein our penal institutions. Right bad for
our health. Here's why. Here'swhat's been happening over the last few decades.
We've seen a decline in religiosity,but it hasn't been replaced by things.
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We've also seen a decline in participationin community organizations. And because of
the mobility that was needed in moderncapitalists him, people are being separated from
their big, wide ranging, supportivefamily structures and so people are reporting more
loneliness. The number of single householdsthat means people living alone in a studio
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apartment, a one bedroom apartment,has doubled in the last fifty years.
This was literally unknown when I wasa kid, never heard of it.
But then we had the COVID crisis, where people, workplaces were shut down.
Schools were shut down. Even peoplewho had regular interaction were suddenly forced
(30:37):
into isolation. I know, Idid a lot of calling of my friendships
like a COVID silver. I'm like, do I really want to call that
person back? Did I need thatone? Right? And I started to
feel my own social world start toshrink. You know, people spend about
twenty minutes a day on average toa friend, twenty minutes a day.
(31:03):
Just a decade ago, it wasmore than an hour a day. The
amount of close friends people had usedto be in the dozens. In fact,
there's some research to show that thosewith the best mental health have the
largest social networks, but they're notnecessarily intimately close with everybody. They just
you know what it is. Ifyou have a referral, you call somebody
(31:23):
with a referral who's got a contactfor something, a doctor, a lawyer,
or whatever. You need a golfgame. I don't know that you
will have a better life by havingthat group. Now, Producer Kaylea,
if you had to guess which groupis most impacted by the loneliness epidemic,
you know it used to be I'llsay, so, don't guess this.
(31:45):
The elderly. The elderly were alone. They people didn't visit enough, they
didn't get enough touch. Right,who do you think suffering the most?
Now? Maybe women in their latethirties, early forties into twenty four year
olds. Really, Oh, letme tell you. I teach college,
and these students have more social anxiety. They missed two years of social connection
(32:07):
and learning social skills, and Iwatch them. I put them into discussion
groups specifically so they just you know, have fun and laugh and talk about
things. Now, the government hassaid there's a reason why, you know,
they gave this big announcement about thispublic health epidemic, that they're going
to try to put some money towardsstrengthening the social infrastructure. That means building
(32:29):
more parks, more libraries, moreprograms for the public. They are going
to make public transportation more accessible.They're going to do more paid family leave.
We hope this is where the moneyis supposed to go. Once they
pay attention to this, They're goingthe government is going to try to cultivate
a culture of connection. You knowwhat, you can do it today for
(32:50):
yourself and your world. Don't waitfor the government. You should volunteer right
now. Go on the internet.Look for a place in your neighborhood where
you can volvolved here. If youhaven't been to a gym during COVID,
it's time to get back to thegym. Join a sport, a team,
see some people, chat with them. Start a book club. Invite
friends, Invite friends of friends,people you don't know really well to join
(33:14):
your book group. Meet your neighbors, say hello on the street. You
know, it's the dog walkers andthe stroller pushers who find each other out
there. But you can just goout and chat with people while you're gardening
or what have. You. Joinprofessional organizations, whatever your organization is,
join them. You know, youcan go online to meetup dot com and
(33:37):
find a group that's together. Youneed a group, You need some people.
You can join a religion, orif you're not religious, join an
atheist group. They get together.You know, it's very like a religion,
but no magical thinking. So whateverit takes, you have to be
the difference. You have to reachout because your life may depend on it.
(33:58):
Isolation and loneliness raises your inflammation,raises your cortisol levels, your stress
hormones, and that's related to everymajor illness we have when we come back.
Are you in a relationship and youare wondering if you should break up?
You know, plenty of people arein a relationship because they're attached,
(34:20):
not because they're in love. Let'stalk about this when I come back.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show and kf I Am six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
Walls. You can always hear uslive on kf I AM six forty from
seven to nine pm on Sunday andanytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio Appy Am six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Haylo, you know what last weekwas your birthdam I have to tell you
(00:20):
a funny story. I was outat eight like a dinner thing. It
was a vineyard thing. It wasoutdoors with a bunch of you know,
grown up people. I'm not shy, but my age. And there in
the garden doing photo opportunities was themost beautiful young sixteen year old girl and
her gaggle of sixteen year old friends. And she had two giant pink balloons
(00:46):
and one was a number one andone was a number six, and together
they made the number sixteen. Andmy daughter looked at me and said,
Mom, go ask her for hernumbers. Just switch him around. And
I did. I ran up toher and said, congratulations, happy birthday.
It's my birthday too. Cannot borrowthose numbers because I'm exactly in the
(01:08):
opposite. I'll send you that picture. Kayla web page. Yes, please
celebrating. It's very funny. I'mlaughing anyway. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Well Show if you new to myshow. I have a PhD in clinical
psychology. I'm a psychology professor atCalifornia State University, Channel Islands, and
I know my students are very excitedbecause this week coming is our last sort
(01:30):
of in person class time before wehead into final exams. So chug a
lug, chugg a lug. Thesemester's ending, and congratulations to those of
my students who are actually graduating soon. It's very, very exciting. In
my personal life, I like toread a lot about the science of love.
(01:51):
I've written three books on relationships.My dissertation was on attachment theory,
and I think about attachment style prettymuch all the time because it influences every
conversation I have. Not that we'retalking about it, but I'm paying attention
to the signals and cues that peopleare giving me that let me know what
their attachment style is, so Iknow what their needs are like. If
(02:13):
they're avoidant, they need a littledistance, don't get too intimate and close.
If they crave intimacy, I'll sensethat too, and I'll know to
be warm and close and cuddly,because that's the thing they need. This
can happen in a workplace, notthe cuddly part, but in a workplace.
It can happen in your friendships,it can happen in your love relationships.
So probably the most important, notwell, the most important relationship that
(02:38):
we ever have, of course,is our relationship with ourself right, learning
how to be self aware, howwe impact others, Learning how to have
insight into our own feelings, learninghow to communicate those feelings to others,
learning how to have boundaries around otherpeople. That's the most important primary relationship.
(03:01):
Next, as far as I'm concerned, isn't the love romantic relationship.
It's the parent child relationship, becauseso much we inject our stuff into our
kids and they grow. I mean, think of it. Every other relationship
we have in our life. Youmeet somebody and you slowly grow closer and
closer and closer and closer, exceptthe parent child relationship. You literally if
(03:23):
your woman start off as one bodyand it's a slow process of separation.
Why am I bringing this up becausethis weekend I was in Santa Cruz to
see my daughter who has left thenest. My baby left the nest last
September, but we're planning on gettingback together this relationship because it was good
(03:46):
for her to learn some life skills, but she needs some you know,
just like how a toddler on theplayground. They'll sort of like venture and
then they'll check back and come backand touch base with mom or dad,
and then they'll venture out again andcome back. This happens also with adolescents,
teenagers and college students. That's whyI have this theory that the more
money you pay for college, theless amount of time they keep them.
(04:08):
Have you noticed the higher end thecollege It starts later in September and then
they're home for what five weeks?Six weeks at Christmas? I mean,
quit, What are we paying youmoney for this supposed to be educating them?
But I think also that coming homeof college students is an important touching
base with your secure base. Thisparticular kid of mine didn't do the traditional
(04:29):
college route. She's working and learninga lot of life skills, but it's
very normal. And so this summershe's going to live with me again because
she said, I just miss yourmom, And you know what, who's
going to turn that down right.You think it's just she wants the free
rent. I don't know. MaybeI also want to tell you something else
about raising children. So our parentslive inside us long after they're gone.
(04:56):
Well we know because when we parents, sometimes like my ang green mother comes
out of my mouth and I'm like, where did she come from? The
exact same nasty thing she'd say tome sometimes would come out to my kids.
But on the other end, there'sno such thing as a perfect parent.
They're all good and bad. Theydo the best with the tools they
had. But also the good ofour parents lies inside us. That if
(05:18):
we had good enough parents, becausethat's all you need, good enough parents,
we have a piece of them thatwe can use during times of stress
as coping strategies. For instance,my mom had a few failings, but
one of the things she was reallygreat at is taking care of us when
we were sick, And unfortunately itmade me get sick more often to get
(05:41):
her attention. But that's a wholeother thing, munch housend. But when
we got sick or had a feverwhen little little kids, she'd wrap us
in a warm blanket and she'd sitin the rocking chair with we were beyond
her lap and she would rock infront of the fire. Literally it was
Candida, it was cold, wehad fires going, and she would sing
to us, and that her voice, and that song lies inside my bones.
(06:06):
So in the worst of stressful times, and we all have stress,
everybody, nobody gets out of hereeasy, trust me, um, I
go back to that, And certainlywhen I'm sick, I go back to
it. When I got a feverand I'm delirious. Okay, look,
can I just add one thing?Yeah? But what else isn't like the
COVID pandemics supposed to be ending thisweek according to who I know May eleventh.
(06:27):
I guess all the money stomps orsomething? No, who people who
announced that the COVID I don't knowwhat government May eleventh. Yeah, h
w what they called it? Yeah, all right, the World Health Organization?
There you go, Yeah, theyannounced it. Yeah. Well guess
what I got through and I nevergot COVID once. Wow, knocket it
tomorrow for saying that, right.You got to be careful. Actually,
(06:49):
I heard at my birthday table someof the women of a certain age are
getting their fifth Maderna shot. Now, wow, So I'm thinking better line
up for that one. I've gottenevery shot they offered, and then some
I wear a mask whenever they saidtoo, I heard you earlier talking about
airplanes. That's the one place Istill wear the mask. Yeah, but
(07:10):
otherwise I'm just lucky, so Ididn't have to conjure up my mom,
is what I'm trying to say duringCOVID. However, this week, when
I was driving back from Santa Cruz, an interesting thing happened that hadn't happened
before in my life. And I'mthe number sixteen backwards, so that's a
very long time. I left atlike five in the morning. It was
(07:31):
very very dark. I was onroads that I didn't recognize. My eyesight's
not what it used to be,and then started to come down torrential rain,
I mean like a swall. Aswall was happening, and of course
I was trying to listen to waysand ways was you know, every once
in a while, ways gets dementiaand it starts to take you on streets
(07:54):
that doesn't and I end up inweird, what feels like dangerous places because
it's dark. And then there's aswallow and I'm on this road I'm trying
to squint and the lights are reflectingin my I was just like, I
was really scared. I was alonein the world. And then I remembered
who taught me to drive, mydad, and I remember the things he
(08:16):
used to say. He would sitby the way. Both my parents died
of cancer when I was thirty.Whole long story. He used to sit
in the passenger seat. His nicknamefor me was Chick. I don't know
why, but he said it funny. Chuck, Hey, Chuck, and
he'd say, you got it,Chuck. Just hold her straight there,
Chuck, you got her, Gunner, Now, Gunner, you're getting around
the corner. You got her.And I would hear his voice and everything
he said to me. It waslike he was sitting there beside me in
(08:39):
the dark. Now I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't delusional. The point I'm
trying to make to you is thatwhat we inject into our children, the
goodness and the love, comes backduring times of stress. It functions as
I'm going to use some psychobabble thatpsychologists would probably use, like an internal
working model, an internal working modelof self black. It just means you
(09:05):
hold them with you the memories andthey help sustain you. And eventually the
sun rose, the rain stopped.The one oh one was spectacular all the
way down through Santa Barbara, andI felt glad that I'd had my Dad
with me in my mind during thosetimes. I do want to say one
(09:26):
thing before we move on to somethingelse. I passed a lot of white
school buses on those dark roads atsix in the morning, and I was
amazed that they all seemed to betrailering a trailer that held three porta potties.
And I'm like, what kind ofschool bus brings porta potties with them?
You know where I'm going with this, right, You know exactly where
(09:46):
I'm going with this. I wastraveling through the land of big agriculture,
the land of the bread basket ofAmerica, California, and I looked up
into the window of those painted whiteschool buses and I saw hard working farm
workers, women, childrenish bothers goingin the dark out to fields in the
(10:13):
middle of nowhere with a porta pottywith them. I want you to think
about that the next time you throwa strawberry in the trash, Think about
the work that it take and thehuman that it took to bring it to
your Trader Joe's and your table,okay, or your Gelson's, or your
Vans or your Ralph's wherever. Thinkabout it. We need to care about
(10:37):
people. I was frankly shocked tosee in the dark of that morning,
at five in the morning, howmany hard working people there are in California
bringing food to our tables. Andmy heart goes out to them, and
I have lots of gratitude too.All right, when we come back,
are you planning on moving this summer? Summer is the big moving season.
(11:00):
I want to talk a little bitabout the psychology of moving because I moved
again this week. And do youknow what, when we come back,
I'm going to tell you you won'tbelieve it. I counted how many houses
I've lived in in my life.Just take a guess, Kaylea, take
a guess seven. You go withseven? Okay? Well, the average
amount of moves that the average Americanhas is eleven. Oh, just let
me say I was more than that. I'll explain when we come back.
(11:22):
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show and KF I am six forty,
but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I Am sixforty. KYF I Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
I had this conversation with my bestfriend this week because I was moving
(11:46):
again, and she said again,like, didn't you just move in November?
And didn't you just move a yearbefore that? And didn't you just
move before? God, Well,there's always good reason. For many of
the time the years it was aboutgetting my kids into better schools, moving
right into the district where I neededto. I was going to try to
cheat. I'm just gonna move thereand say I'm in the zip code,
get me in that school. AndI did that many times to get my
kid the support she needed. Butthe conversation with my best friend was,
(12:09):
you know, she said, Ijust moved last year, and that was
the first time I'd moved in twentyfive years. She said, when I
was a kid, we only movedonce. So she's had three houses in
her entire life, and she's likemy age sixteen backwards. So I started
doing some research on the moving phenomenon, and what happens to our psychology with
(12:35):
the moving phenomenon. Well, itturns out the average American moves eleven times
in their lifespan. So if youwere counting, Kayla, you're thirty years
old, how many places have youlived and since you were born? I
was just trying to count, I'mprobably gonna set like ten yet. Yeah,
see ye around there, so you'realmost getting there. Yeah, you'll
be up to fifteen before. I'msure you'll see. Now, I grew
(12:56):
up military. My dad was theNavy, And what my parents used to
do is we'd move to a newcity and they would rent a house for
the first year while they got thelay of the land, figured out the
schools and where you want to liveand whatever, and then they buy the
second year, and inevitably the placethey'd buy in would be at a different
school district. So I always wentto new school. I was always the
(13:16):
new kid in class, always,always, always, And then we'd have
this house for two years and mydad would get another posting and we'd be
gone. My parents used to jokethat their real estate, their real estate
strategy was to buy high, selllow, because they had to constantly move.
It was based on the military,not on what the market was doing.
(13:39):
So I saw the statistic eleven timesthat the average American moves in their
life, and I sat down,using my fingers to count all the places
I lived in. Now, someof them I couldn't remember the exact address.
I was young in its places,but I pictured my bedroom and every
single one of them, like there'sa memory, an emotion attached to our
(14:01):
personal space, right our little cavewhere the tribe is. And I saw
them all in my mind's eye,very very clearly. And then I ran
out of the ten fingers, andI started again. And then I ran
out of those ten fingers, andI started again, and I got up
to twenty five. You are alwaysabove average, and so you would think.
(14:28):
So the conversation with my best friendis how do you do it?
And I'm going to give you somegood strategies for like literally how to move,
because really a queen of that,I know you're thinking to get in
a new place, so you mightnote, so here's what my mom taught
us that as soon as you getto the new place, the very first
thing and she'd make sure that thatparticular box or whatever was at the first
(14:50):
thing off the truck is you makeyour bed. Now. The bed might
not be put together, but themattress will be there. You got find
your sheets, find your pillows,find your duvet whatever. Make your bed.
If you start at seven in themorning moving, make your bed first,
because that sound's going to set.You haven't even found the lamp side
(15:11):
of the boxes yet. That placeis going to get dark and you can't
find nothing, and you got toyour dog tired and you just want to
go to bed. So make yourbed first. Then just start doing it
box by box, and do itall at once. The worst thing you
can do is take two or threeweeks to move, because you'll never be
(15:33):
organized. Here's the thing. Psychologistswould say that when we organize our external
environment, we're actually organizing ourselves internallyat the same time. So every time
you go through a box and findplaces for things, your brain is becoming
more settled. I did that allweekends, so I can tell you about
(15:54):
it. How good I feel rightnow at getting through the last couple of
boxes. But I want to allso say this about moves. There's research
on military kids and frequent moves andhow destabilizing it is. We know kids
love consistency. It's good for theirdevelopment to keep close contact with the same
friends, etc. I'm proud tosay that despite all my moves, often
(16:15):
it was within the same city andso my kids, each of them still
have best friends from preschool. Right. So that's one of the things,
is that keeping consistency of relationships isimportant. However, the research shows that
after five moves, kid's actually becomeresilient. It's less stressful, they become
(16:38):
more adaptable to new situations. So, in other words, it's more dramatic
to move two or three times foryour kids than it is to move eight
times. Fascinating and that fascinating,yea, So they start to become resilient.
We start And this was the conversationI had with my best friend because
she'd only moved three times in herwhole life. She thinks of it as
a trauma and I'm like, no, I think of it as a new
(16:59):
adventure. I do it all thetime. I'm good at it. And
here's the best thing I love aboutmoves. The perch. Oh my goodness,
I'm Arie Condo in my life.You know what, Marie Condo,
that decorator lady says. She saysthat if you hold an item in your
hand and you ask yourself, doesthis item bring me joy? And if
(17:21):
the answer is no, you haveto get rid of it, cut it,
loose, dump it. And Iswear every time I move, I
do that with many, many,many items, and I feel lighter and
I feel happier. And you knowwhat else I learned. The less clothes
I have, the more outfits Ihave. It's bizarre, but you start
putting things together better in new ways. Like I've never worn this sweater with
(17:42):
this before, but boy, itlooks good, doesn't it? Because I
pulled it out today? What elsedid I want to say about moving?
Get ready for a schmore gess boardof emotions, because our homes are attached
to our well being. Look,I'm a landlady. No he has a
problem moving into my building. Onehundred percent of the people have a problem
(18:03):
moving out, even if they wantedto go, even if it was time,
even if there's a good reason forgoing. There's a drama over the
security deposit. There's a drama overbroken stuff. There's a drama over the
move date. There's a drama overthe people moving in there's always a drama.
It's because emotions are high with separation, and we have to acknowledge that
we have to grieve the loss ofmoving from place because you do feel unanchored
(18:26):
a bit, You feel set adriftjust a little bit. And so I
often think that moving is a grievingprocess. But change is also good.
Change helps us grow. So ifyou're planning that move this summer, make
those beds first, find the lampsnext, and you can start packing a
(18:48):
couple weeks early, but don't taketwo weeks to unpack. Get it all
done in one weekend. Pull anall nighter if you need to. That's
the way to do it all right. I digress because I have not talked
about the science of love and relationshiphips very long. You know who people
want to date more than anything inthe world, no matter what their gender.
Charismatic people, people who have charisma. And I used to think that
(19:08):
charisma is something you're just kind ofborn with, that's your personality type,
until I did some reading and Ifound out that charisma is something that's learned,
and we can all learn these skills. Let's talk about what they are
when we come back. You're listeningto the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf
I AM six forty. We're liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
(19:29):
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand fromkf I Am sixty k AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. He is the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show. So last night I wasout to dinner with a new group of
people. There was one friend therewho I knew from a long time ago,
but she was introducing me to kindof to her group of friends.
And our host was an English gentlemanwho had a lot of charisma. Right.
(19:52):
He was very funny, he was, you know, very intelligent,
he was charming, he had verygood manners. Um, what is the
definition of charisma. What would yousay? It is, Kayla, charisma.
That's a charismatic person, charming personalityand endearing personality. Yeah, it's
(20:15):
somebody whose charm actually inspires devotion inothers. Right. So, charismatic leaders
sometimes are politicians, sometimes they're preachers. Sometimes they're great teachers, right,
that have a lot of charisma.But here's the thing. Charisma is not
(20:37):
a personality trait. You know,psychologists don't say, oh, there's I
can I can diagnose you as beinga charismic Nope, doesn't exist. It's
actually a set of social skills thatcan literally be learned. So I did
some reading so that I could figureout how I could be more charismatic.
(21:00):
Although I do radio and I doteach, so I would hope that I
have a few of these traits thatI've not inherited them, but learned them
along the way. But we canalways improve. The most important trait of
charisma, I think is self awareness, being aware of how you impact other
(21:22):
people. What would people say?Reading the room, knowing how to read
the room, knowing how to saylike, for instance, what's really lucky
about me is that when I teach, I got forty thirty forty little faces
staring at me. Not so little. They're young adults, and the active
listeners are direct mirrors to whatever I'msaying. So I can see a wave
(21:45):
of she did not say that,did she? I can see it on
the faces, and that I canquickly double back and correct myself. Or
I can see the quizzical look likeI'm clearly not being clear because I see
some furrowed brows here or I seethe eyelids starting to droop on a group,
and I know, oh, I'mnot being fun enough. Right.
(22:06):
So I have learned from being infront of classrooms for years how to be
self aware and understand my impact onothers. But other people don't have that
skill naturally. You have to literallywatch the faces. You have to literally
stop talking so that you can getthe feedback from the people. Now,
(22:26):
another component of charisma is warmth,being approachable, being understanding and caring,
being optimistic, being enthusiastic. Youknow, when I met my boyfriend Julio
almost three years ago now on Bumbleand we had our first coffee date.
And if you've been listening to myshow long enough, you've heard the story
(22:47):
I said to him, and wewere out. It was during COVID outdoors
with masks on, wind blowing thewhole thing, and that was kind of
a litmus test. If guys wouldn'tdo that, I was not going to
meet him. So I said,look, instead of us just telling each
other how great we are and howdatable we are, why don't we tell
each other a story of how undateablewe are? And I told him a
(23:08):
couple of things about me, andthen he told me this big thing about
him. And later I said tohim later meeting months later, you know,
because we love to revisit our firstdate, I said, what was
it about that first date? Andhe said, you know, I was
telling you something quite disturbing, Andyou seem to have this openness and this
(23:30):
warmth and this desire to understand moreinstead of getting closed off or fearful.
So obviously I had that trait,the warmth. Now another trait of being
charismatic is competence. You know,we love people that we can learn from.
So if you are walking in aroom, let's say it's for a
(23:52):
job interview. Let's say you're goingto meet new perspective coworkers, being competent
and having a little bit of anin charge attitude, not taking control,
but self confidence, good posture,letting them know like you don't one hundred
percent need this job, you'd likethis job, you'd be good for them,
you could help them, but youknow, just having some competence that's
(24:15):
charismatic. And on that same note, while you're doing it, having relaxed
and open body language. So Iknow, we get nervous and we want
to just fold those arms across ourchest. I noticed last night at the
dinner party. By the way,I'm sitting beside the charismatic host and who
has a much bigger brain than meand more life experienced than me, and
(24:36):
he's expounding on something that was veryinteresting to me, and I didn't notice
it until somebody. Why do peopleall do this nowadays? They take out
cameras iPhones in the middle of dinnerand they just start snapping pictures of people.
Do you notice this? Can't Youcan't go out without seeing it.
It's weird. Everywhere is everywhere.Yeah, so I see happened, But
I am very camera aware, Iwill say that. And I happen to
(25:00):
see this iPhone go up at theend of the table and someone's taking a
picture. And I immediately when thatiPhone goes I am sternhams at. My
posture changes to my face changes.I know there's a picture coming, right,
And so I realized my hands wereacross my chest as I was listening
to the charismatic host, and Iimmediately adjusted my body language, put my
(25:21):
arms, my forearms on the armrestsof the chair, and had an open
smile towards him. So the picturewould turn out well. Okay. Also,
charismatic people tend to be playful andfunny. Our host was definitely that
I try to make the odd littlejoke. I'm not a comedian, Kayla,
You're hilarious. Come, come,try to be a little funny if
(25:41):
I can. They also maintain goodeye contact. We can all learn that.
Yeah, for sure, look atpeople you know nowadays. I hate
to say, especially those young peoplethat I'm staring at their phones, but
literally they're not looking people in theeye. And I'm sure the pandemic made
it worse. I know, Iknow. But the big one is praising
(26:02):
others. Praising others literally finding somethingfabulous about everybody. There is something fabulous
in every single person you meet,and your job as a charismatic person is
to find that fabulosa and tell themabout it. Remind them because they're gonna
want to have you around because theyfeel good when they're around you. And
(26:25):
I should add, please remember people'snames. It's super hard. So one
of my tricks is I asked themhow they spell their name. Even if
it's like Carol, I might say, is that Carol with an E or
just the traditional C L? Becauseit gives me a moment to spell it
and help myself remember it. That'smy trick genius. I also connect it
(26:48):
with other people I know, LikeI met someone recently named Andy. I
didn't actually meet them out where,were emailing and I said, oh,
you know my favorite little brothers namedAndy. It just warms my heart to
type that name Andy. So Inow I connected with my little brother's name.
Anyway, that's how you become charismatic. When we come back, the
Surgeon General says that here in Americawe are in a great health epidemic and
(27:11):
there's something we can all do tofix it. No, it's not COVID,
it's something else. You're listening tothe Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf
I AM six forty a live everywhereon the iHeartRadio Appum, you're listening to
doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kfI AM sixty kf I AM six forty
you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Talk to Wendy Walsh
Show. I'd like to welcome myTikTok audience. If you'd like to come
(27:33):
on to my TikTok channel, youcertainly can the handle is at doctor Wendy
Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and youcan be live in the studio with us
and see what we're doing here.So this week, did you hear we're
entering another public health epidemic. Infact, this epidemic, if you catch
(27:56):
this disease, has health risks thatare the same as smoking fifteen cigarettes a
day. It's known that this healthepidemic is already costing billions of dollars every
single year here in America. It'salso estimated that it's affecting fifty fifty five
(28:18):
zero fifty percent of Americans. OnTuesday, the US Surgeon General officially declared
this a public health epidemic. Loneliness, Yes, loneliness. You know.
I'm a professor at cal State ChannelIslands and one of the courses I teach
(28:41):
is health psychology. And while youwould think there'd be a lot of biology,
what you should eat, if youshould exercise, how you should sleep,
and yes, some of that's there, but we also talk a lot
about our relationships. We talk abouttoxic relationships that can make your body sick,
we talk about healthy relationships can makeyour body well, and we talk
(29:02):
about isolation and how dangerous it is. You see, human beings evolved to
live in tribes. We were cooperativebreeders. We worked together with a village
to raise kids. If we wereever alone in the wilderness in our historic
past, it probably meant imminent death. And so as a result, COVID
(29:25):
of course increased it. We've gotpeople living alone and apartments that are not
unlike the solitary confinement that we givein our penal institutions. Right bad for
our health. Here's why. Here'swhat's been happening over the last few decades.
We've seen a decline in religiosity,but it hasn't been replaced by things.
(29:51):
We've also seen a decline in participationin community organizations. And because of
the mobility that was needed in moderncapitalists him, people are being separated from
their big, wide ranging, supportivefamily structures and so people are reporting more
loneliness. The number of single householdsthat means people living alone in a studio
(30:15):
apartment, a one bedroom apartment,has doubled in the last fifty years.
This was literally unknown when I wasa kid, never heard of it.
But then we had the COVID crisis, where people, workplaces were shut down.
Schools were shut down. Even peoplewho had regular interaction were suddenly forced
(30:37):
into isolation. I know, Idid a lot of calling of my friendships
like a COVID silver. I'm like, do I really want to call that
person back? Did I need thatone? Right? And I started to
feel my own social world start toshrink. You know, people spend about
twenty minutes a day on average toa friend, twenty minutes a day.
(31:03):
Just a decade ago, it wasmore than an hour a day. The
amount of close friends people had usedto be in the dozens. In fact,
there's some research to show that thosewith the best mental health have the
largest social networks, but they're notnecessarily intimately close with everybody. They just
you know what it is. Ifyou have a referral, you call somebody
(31:23):
with a referral who's got a contactfor something, a doctor, a lawyer,
or whatever. You need a golfgame. I don't know that you
will have a better life by havingthat group. Now, Producer Kaylea,
if you had to guess which groupis most impacted by the loneliness epidemic,
you know it used to be I'llsay, so, don't guess this.
(31:45):
The elderly. The elderly were alone. They people didn't visit enough, they
didn't get enough touch. Right,who do you think suffering the most?
Now? Maybe women in their latethirties, early forties into twenty four year
olds. Really, Oh, letme tell you. I teach college,
and these students have more social anxiety. They missed two years of social connection
(32:07):
and learning social skills, and Iwatch them. I put them into discussion
groups specifically so they just you know, have fun and laugh and talk about
things. Now, the government hassaid there's a reason why, you know,
they gave this big announcement about thispublic health epidemic, that they're going
to try to put some money towardsstrengthening the social infrastructure. That means building
(32:29):
more parks, more libraries, moreprograms for the public. They are going
to make public transportation more accessible.They're going to do more paid family leave.
We hope this is where the moneyis supposed to go. Once they
pay attention to this, They're goingthe government is going to try to cultivate
a culture of connection. You knowwhat, you can do it today for
(32:50):
yourself and your world. Don't waitfor the government. You should volunteer right
now. Go on the internet.Look for a place in your neighborhood where
you can volvolved here. If youhaven't been to a gym during COVID,
it's time to get back to thegym. Join a sport, a team,
see some people, chat with them. Start a book club. Invite
friends, Invite friends of friends,people you don't know really well to join
(33:14):
your book group. Meet your neighbors, say hello on the street. You
know, it's the dog walkers andthe stroller pushers who find each other out
there. But you can just goout and chat with people while you're gardening
or what have. You. Joinprofessional organizations, whatever your organization is,
join them. You know, youcan go online to meetup dot com and
(33:37):
find a group that's together. Youneed a group, You need some people.
You can join a religion, orif you're not religious, join an
atheist group. They get together.You know, it's very like a religion,
but no magical thinking. So whateverit takes, you have to be
the difference. You have to reachout because your life may depend on it.
(33:58):
Isolation and loneliness raises your inflammation,raises your cortisol levels, your stress
hormones, and that's related to everymajor illness we have when we come back.
Are you in a relationship and youare wondering if you should break up?
You know, plenty of people arein a relationship because they're attached,
(34:20):
not because they're in love. Let'stalk about this when I come back.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show and kf I Am six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
Walls. You can always hear uslive on kf I AM six forty from
seven to nine pm on Sunday andanytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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