May 22, 2023 • 31 mins
All our single people, we are here for you! Dr. Wendy is breaking down dating apps. Six Steps to finding love on a Dating App. PLUS why slow love works. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on demand on theiHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show. You're listening liveeither on KFI AM six forty or on
the iHeartRadio app. Ah, youknow I've told you before I met my
man Julio on a dating app thatone happened to be Bumble. Although you
(00:23):
always ask me that question, don'tyou which dating app do you suggest,
Doctor Wendy. I think all thedating apps are the same as all the
nightclubs we all used to go too. It's the same people the cruise around
all the different dating apps. Theymight change a few pictures in their profile,
they may write some things differently,but it's not about the app.
(00:46):
It's about the way you use it. For instance, years ago, I
was coaching a young woman. Shewas an executive at a tech company,
and I was helping her go throughher Tinder. But she was in her
early she was looking to get marriedand have a baby, and so I
told her. Because Tinder has alittle bit of a reputation now, the
(01:08):
Tinder executives would tell me I'm wrongabout this, but I'll just tell you
because I know how our culture is. It has a bit of reputation for
being a hook up app. Lookthink about it. Tinder evolved after its
predecessor, Grinder, was so successful. You don't know what Grinder is.
It's because you're not gay. Grinderwas the very first dating app that had
(01:30):
GPS in it, so you couldliterally find you know, lots of minority
communities, either sexual minorities, ethnicminorities, religious minorities are just if you
live in a really small town minority. They find each other on apps.
That's why apps are so great,because you find somebody like you anyway.
Grinder was the first app to beable to pinpoint where you were and pinpoint
(01:53):
where the other person was, andyou could find somebody and you could have
joy and pleasure very quickly with thatperson. So Tinder became originally the heterosexual
I think Tinder's got it all nowthey all have it all, but app
for that. So it's got thisreputation of being a meat for sex kind
of app, even though they haveworked very hard to not have that reputation,
(02:15):
and lots of people have met andmarried but I digress. So because
they had this reputation. I'm coachingthis young woman and I said to her,
listen, the very first text whenyou match with somebody should say,
I know this app has a bitof a hook up reputation. Just want
you to know from the outset that'snot what I'm into, and that's not
(02:36):
what I'm here for. I'm actuallylooking for a long term relationship. She's
like, really, like, sayit right there at the beginning, just
like that, Yes, say itright from the beginning. Who you are
and what you want is what youneed to say. Now. I know
I hear you. I hear whatyou're saying, but I don't know what
I want. I don't know ifI'm ready. I just kind of want
to see what's out there. Okay, then you're going to get the riff
(02:58):
raff that's out there walking through yourbedroom. Okay, that's what's going to
happen because you aren't clear with yourselfwhy you're on those apps and what you
want. So I want to gothrough the five steps to finding love on
a dating app. I know itworks because I followed these steps exactly.
(03:19):
You don't think I do what Ido, just so that you can have
a better life and better relationships.Oh no, no, no, no.
Like every psychology student, mostly they'retaking courses to fix themselves. And
mostly I tell you this so thatI can stay on track. I can
listen to my own advice. Icould stick to it, and I did
and it worked. Okay, solet's start. You open up that app,
(03:42):
you make that profile. Here's wecould do many, many, many
segments about what to put in yourprofile and what not to put in your
profile. I will just say this, if you're over forty, keep your
shirt on. All right, I'mdone with this. All right. You
can have form fitting clothes and doa full length shot and they know that
you're basically fit. But remember whenpeople are swiping plenty of no matter what
gender, they're swiping a wide rangeoften a wide range of ages. So
(04:08):
they might swipe a twenty five yearold and next is the forty five year
old. Now you might be thehottest forty five year old out there with
your shirt off, sir or madam. But if you show up in their
feed immediately after a twenty five yearold who's filled with human growth hormones,
you don't have so many of thoseanymore, then you're gonna look terrible.
Okay, So I'm just saying,just look a little like hold it in,
(04:32):
okay, just a little bit,keep it back, all right.
So some of the rules are aboutprofiles. Women, you should have at
least one full body shot. WhenI say full body, have some clothes
on. Secondly, you should havea headshot. But guys don't like all
the filters and all the makeup andthe lashes. You can do one beauty
(04:53):
shot like that, but do somethingnatural with natural light, out hiking,
no makeup. Whatever. They wantto see who you really are, you
know what. I went on abunch of dates before I met Julio a
few years ago, and I rememberone guy saying that his theory is this,
he goes, you go through someone'sprofile and you find the most unattractive
picture of them in their profile.Now, they still chose to put it
(05:17):
up there. So he said youshould only look at that most unattractive picture.
Do you know why, because hesaid, that's actually what they look
like. Okay, they put itup there they believe it's reflective of them,
and so that's all you should expectto be meeting, not all those
other ones. Guys, as faras you can, you get off the
baseball hat and the sunglasses. Weknow you're balding. It's okay. We
(05:41):
love bald men means bigger brains,right, So there's no reason to hide
under a hat in every single pictureand sunglasses. Really, who are you
hiding from? Are you a moviestar? I don't get it, so
anyway, I just want to saythat. And also, guys, show
some teeth. You're stern. Iknow it's hard for you to smile.
Guys don't smile very much. Ialso know that many guys take pictures alone
(06:05):
in their bathroom mirror. I knowyou, I see you out there.
Do you not have a friend whocan take a picture of you? I
mean it could be your sister,because you really look like a lone wolf
to us when you're all alone inyour bathroom mirror. And those are all
your pictures. Okay, so getsome pictures taken. I will say that
Julio did something really right. Ialways tell men to do this. Look.
(06:27):
You may not be rich, butyou want to make sure you look
high class and rich. I don'tcare where you live, what zip coach
you're in. Go find some classicdoric columns somewhere in some classical building.
You can find them at museums,you can find them at usc you can
find them at the Huntington Library.And Hulio had one of those who was
standing on the steps with these giantRoman columns behind him, and I was
like, ooh. He was atCornell University on a visit, of course,
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and he did have people take picturesof him. And I liked to
shoes and it was a full lengthshot, but I you know how you
pinch with your fingers in a zoom, right, and I'm like, oh,
those are good shoes. Right.Listen, Jen woman. You may
think that we are only looking atyou, but we are studying the background
as much as we are studying you. We are looking at that lamp behind
(07:09):
you and trying to decide if it'sfrom restoration hardware or IKEA. Okay,
so you have to think about everythinggoing on in the picture. But I
digress. How do you actually usethe apps? There's all kinds of advice
you can get on profile building.When we come back, I want to
give you the six steps to goingfrom first match to the what are we
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conversation? When we come back,you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on kf I AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from kf I Am six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy WallsShow on KFI AM six forty and
(07:54):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.Remember you can follow me anywhere on my
social media. The handle is atdoctor Wendy Walsh Instagram, TikTok, YouTube,
wherever you like to get your videos. I am there a reminder to
everybody. I have a PhD inclinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at
cal State Channel Islands. I've writtenthree books on relationships into my dissertation on
(08:18):
attachment Style, because I am reallyobsessed with the science of love. But
I also love to share my experience, and many of you who have been
following me for a long time knowthat at the beginning of the pandemic,
when we were all lonely, Iwas cloistered in my home with two young
adult daughter teenager, young adultish whobasically rolled their eyes anytime I breathed,
(08:41):
and so after dinner I'd go intomy bedroom to see what was remember Tiger
King, what was streaming. I'dpour myself a glass of wine and I
said, you know what, youcan't be doing this way. You gotta
get this done. So I wenton the dating apps. I should tell
you that because it was at thebeginning of pandemic pre vaccines, I got
to use as a litmus test mycarefulness around COVID exposure. In other words,
(09:09):
I would say to guys, ifyou want to meet me in the
real world, it's got to beWe can do FaceTime dates, whatever,
zoom dates, we can talk onthe phone, but if you want to
meet in the real world, it'sgot to be outside social distancing at least
six feet preferably with a lot ofwind blowing and masks on. And you
know, there are a lot ofguys who wouldn't do that, and so
it was great. I got togo, Okay, you're not for me,
(09:31):
moving on, But anyway, whetheryou're in a pandemic or not,
here are the six steps to goingfrom that first match on a dating app
to the what are we now?Conversation? According to me, I made
this up because I did it andit worked, So just do what I
did okay. Number one. Allhumans suffer from something called a paradox of
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choice. When you have too muchchoice, you are less likely to commit
to one of those choice, Andwhen you do commit to one of those
choices, you are less likely tovalue that person because you're always thinking about
the bigger, better deal that gotaway. So dating apps aren't actually designed
to help you find love. Theyare designed to get you addicted to the
app, and they use paradox ofchoice. So how do you hack the
(10:20):
bio hacking of the dating app?You only match with two people at once.
Now there are people on their datingapps who may be messaging five or
ten or even twenty people all atonce. How do you even remember their
stories? How do you remember anything? Don't do that. Don't go as
we say, don't go back tothe deck. It's like a deck of
(10:41):
cards. You're swiping right. Don'tgo back to the deck until you have
two people and you've assessed at leastone and gotten rid of them. And
I'll tell you how to get ridof them too, in a polite,
nice way, in a minute.So you got two people in your message
box, ladies, I just wantto tell you this other thing. So
men and women use dating apps verydifferently. When women use a dating app,
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they pause, they read the wordsvery carefully that you, gentlemen wrote
hint? Are you listening? Guys? If you don't put words in your
profile, we just swipe away.I don't care if there's just a picture
there. I don't care who youare. I know I need to hear
you, I need to feel you. I need to read your words.
Okay, so you got to writesomething. So we scrutinize the words.
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We try to think what does hemean by that? What is he implying
by that? We scrutinize the pictures. We wonder who took it, where
he was, how many years oldit is, what room of the house
it's in, Does he own thatthing in the background. We look at
everything and ask those questions. Sowhat men do? Unfortunately, and there's
all kinds of research to support this, men are less choosy when it comes
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to relationship partners than women are.Women are more selective. Look sex is
a higher risk cobby for women thanit is for men. We have more
chance of catching an stright because ofour unique biology, we have more chance
of accidentally falling in love with you. Because our bodies emit so much oxytocin,
the bonding hormone, we also aremore likely to catch an eighteen year
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case of parenthood. So okay,we have evolved as women to be more
choosy now because men are less choosy. Here's what happens. They basically swipe
right on every single woman they see. I mean, unless you look like
you just got off your broom andyou are a witch and they're scared you're
(12:31):
gonna cast a spell on them.Otherwise, they just swipe on everybody.
So when women first get on theapp and they do all their close scrutinizing
and they find that kind of onethat they think, oh, this could
be a really good match. Ohmy god, he's good looking and I
love everything in his profile, andthen they click swipe right, and all
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of a sudden, the app goes, yeay, you're a match. And
then women go, oh my god, oh my god, this one that
I was so into, I'm amatch. And then twenty five guys later,
she sees another one who could behe could have potential to me.
I should just see I could tokind a match with him. See if
I swipe right there, and thenboom, it's a match. Some of
them have like fireworks that go offand stars that fly, and the girls
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are like, oh my god,I'm killing it on this app. No,
you're not. Every man on theapp has already matched with you and
they are waiting for you to tryto match with them. Okay, you're
not killing it on the app.It's just that men and women use the
apps differently. That's something that everybodyshould understand. Okay, so get your
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first two matches, people of allgenders, and send a couple texts.
Now here's one of the problems withBumble. For instance, the women have
to talk first. Otherwise the matchexpires in twenty four hours, so you
got twenty four hours to say something. But it defies mother nature because as
far as I know, sperm chasesegg and not the reverse. So if
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women are out there talking first,you already get devalued in men's eyes.
I'm sorry. I know it soundslike patriarchy and all that, but it's
evolutionary psychology and I have read theresearch on this. So ladies, I'll
tell you there's one word you cansay on Bumble as your first little chat,
and I used it all the time. It's a winning word. It's
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amazing how it gets a response immediatelyfrom guys. The word is high and
that is it. That's all you'reallowed to put. Okay, if he's
into you, he's going to writeback then. I also heard this is
other technique that women are using iswhen they're on Bumble, they let the
match expire and see if he rematchesbecause he gets a little note going,
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she didn't talk to you, it'sbeen twenty four hours. Do you want
to try to rematch with her?Okay? I didn't even know Bumble work
this way, but apparently Julio triedto rematch with me like five times over
a two week period, but Ihadn't been on the app, so by
the time I said something to him, he was like, oh my god,
you're there. It's like I builtup that sense of anticipation without even
(15:00):
knowing it. Well, imagine ifyou could kind of manipulate it and make
that happen. All right, Somatch with only two people at once.
Number two, get on the phonefast, exchange two or three texts,
and then give up your phone number. When we come back, I'm going
to tell you how to give upyour phone number, how to keep yourself
(15:22):
safe, and after that phone call, how to get rid of them.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show on kf I Am six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I AM sixforty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
(15:43):
I want to say something about theiHeartRadio app. You know, there
are many cars right now that don'teven have AM radio. I happen to
have one, and so I listento everything on Bluetooth streaming through my car.
So I just listen to the iHeartRadioapp, and I choose the music
I want and everything I want.But I'm telling you this because you can
always listen to doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand on the app. So if you've
(16:06):
missed a portion of a show,if you've missed past shows, if you're
doing a big drive up the fivefor five or ten hours, you could
just listen to doctor Wendy Walsh allday long. Oh god, that's creepy.
Just the thought of it. Youknow one of the guys in my
Patreon zoom room who's been a loyalfollower for years. I think he found
me through my podcast Mating Matters.He's in Australia and he's like a big
(16:26):
tech executive and he finally admitted thathe um, he became a fan because
he used my podcasts to fall asleepat night. I know that's what I
said. He said, there's somethingsoothing about your voice. Here, I'll
do the voice. So now you'regetting sleepy, you're falling asleep, and
(16:49):
if you're driving, to stop rightnow. We want them to listen.
Doctors that funny. I get whathe means, though, you do have
a very calming voice. He's fallingasleep to my fight, he goes he
would just pick up where he fellasleep last time and go back and listen
to the rest of the pod.Anyway, I am talking about the six
steps to finding love on a datingapp. I mentioned only sending a few
texts and then getting on the phonefast. Look, you don't want to
(17:11):
date somebody who can't give good phonedo you. And also my experience I
remember this is all from experience,is that if you meet somebody and they
won't get on the phone. Theyjust want to text with you and get
you into the real world. They'rehiding something. They're hiding something. They're
poor social skills, their ability toan inability to connect with you emotionally or
(17:33):
be funny, all kinds of thingsthat they could have going on. So
they want to just get you inthe real world to try to convince you
there that they're a good person.But somebody who's smart gets on the phone.
If they won't get on the phone, don't meet him for coffee.
Okay, now you've had the phonecall and you've realized, you know what,
(17:53):
we might not be a match here. Please do not ghost them.
That's a real human And you knowwhat, if you're searching in your zip
code or even in your city,you're going to run into them somewhere a
farmer's market, at the beach,a business god prop, a business meeting.
Right, They're human in your world, in your community, in your
age group. I hope it's ageappropriate, but anyway, so all you
(18:17):
need to do is compose a nicelittle text mine, I cut and paste
it. I'd add something personalized atthe top, like, hey, it
was great chatting with you. Goodluck at your daughter's wedding next week.
It sounds like it's gonna be fun. I don't think romance is in the
cards for us, but I promisedto keep you in mind for a friend.
Listen. Nobody wrote me back andyelled at me. Some of them
(18:40):
didn't write at all after that text. Some of them wrote, hey,
thanks for not ghost in, orthanks, yeah, I'll keep you in
mind too, whatever, like justsweet, nice conversation. One guy,
an English guy, actually wrote backand said, you know what, just
that phone conversation was enough for meto get my mojo back. If I
could have a woman like you totalk to me, I can get anybody.
I was like what he was,just like, so impressed with my
(19:04):
phone. I guess I give goodphone. Yeah, I give good radio.
So get a phone anyway. Okay, so you get rid of them
now. I want you to rememberthat finding love is a process of elimination.
It's about saying no to many,many, many, many, many
inappropriate people until the right one isstanding right in front of you. Okay,
so get rid of them. Ifit's not clicking right away, all
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right. If they did give goodphone, then you're gonna meet for a
coffee, all right. You're gonnatake a few days after that phone call
and then genderly meet out and sayhey, you want to reach out and
just say hey, do you wantto grab a coffee somewhere? Always act
very busy and happy, busy andhappy people of all genders. Hey,
I have a few minutes in betweentwo things. I'll be on this part
of town. Maybe we can meet. Make it quick, because that way
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you can make a quick getaway ifyou want. Now, here's the thing.
You always have to leave them wantingmore. If you go on a
twenty to thirty minute coffee date andyou allow yourself to stretch it into a
lunch in an afternoon movie, you'velost. You've lost the meet in game,
all right. You've got to getout of there, leave them wanting
more. Now, if you've donethe phone call and they've passed, if
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you've done the coffee date, nowis the time you're going to have your
first date. Basically, the thirdmeeting. The first meetings on the phone,
the second meetings in coffee. Thethird meeting is your first date.
That's when you can get dressed upand go somewhere or do something interesting.
You found what things you like incommon, for instance. Right, so
that's when you have your first date. All right, I'm on number five
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already, number one match with onlytwo people at once. Write this down
number two, get on the phonefast number three, send a no thank
you text, or meet for coffee. Number four. First date comes after
coffee number five. And this isthe big one. Now you're going on
a few dates and you like thisperson. Have the sexual exclusivity conversation before
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you have sex. Once the barndoors open, it's too late, folks.
Hopefully you're not as big a barndoor. Just saying, but anyway,
have the sexual exclusivity conversation before.And here's how the conversation should go.
So I'm really into you, I'mreally attracted to you. I love
how this is going. We don'tknow what the future is going to be
(21:15):
for us. We're still just checkingeach other out. We're evaluating. But
i'd like to have sex with you, and if I do, I'd like
to know that I'm the only personyou're sleeping with. Be brave. It's
usually women who say this, bythe way, men don't say it.
But be brave and say it andif they now, I know what you're
(21:36):
going to say because you say itto me online all the time. But
they lie. They say they arebut they're not. Like then you are
having sex with somebody who don't trust. You need to listen to your stomach
and ask yourself do you trust thisperson? Okay? Then you continue having
dates, you continue having sex allgreat, protect use protection, folks,
and then you have the what arewe conversation? When do you have that?
(22:00):
Well? Research shows that men tendto fall in love first, women
tend to say I love you first, and it's usually somewhere between three and
six months. For me. Withmy Julio, I said it first,
and it happened at a gas station. He thought it was terribly unromantic.
But what happened is we were ona very long car trip. He had
(22:21):
done so many nice things for mein the days before, and we stopped
for gas. I was driving.I was driving at that point because we're
switching off, and he jumped outof the passenger seat and started pumping the
gas, even with his own creditcard. It was my trip because I
needed him to come with me onsomething I was doing. Anyway, I'd
never had a man pump gas forme before. Can you believe that?
(22:42):
Can you believe? I was raisedwith all brothers where we were all independent,
you know, it was just likeevery man for himself. And I
looked I was just like And hecame around to the driver's side door while
the gas was pumping, and heopened the door to lean in to give
me a kiss, and he gaveme a kiss, and I just out
(23:03):
of nowhere, said I love you. And he said, at a gas
station. Really, this is howunromantic are you? I cannot believe the
first time you say it, it'sat a gas station. But I knew
he already felt it. He alreadyfelt it. You gotta be brave.
You gotta have the what are weconversation? All right when we come back?
(23:26):
Why slow love works? Why slowingthings down in a new relationship can
really work to create long term love. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy
Walls Show and kf I Am sixforty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio album.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from kf I Am six forty.
(23:48):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy WallsShow on kf I am six forty.
We are in the home stretch ofthe Doctor Wendy Walls Show. If
you've been with me for three hours, good for you. I'm so happy
been here. If you missed anypart of the show, remember you can
always go to the iHeartRadio app andyou can listen to it. It will
be up there. I want totalk about slow love. It's an idea
(24:11):
that I proposed years ago. Ithink when my book came out, The
Thirty Day Love Detox, it wasreally a book about slow love, and
really it's something that I recommend tomany people who are looking for long term
attachments. Again, no judgment.If you want to have a short term
relationship because you want pleasure, oryou want to get your mojo back,
(24:33):
or you want to get back atsomebody. I don't know many reasons why
you might want a short term relationship, there's no judgment. But we do
know that long term, committed peoplelive longer, have better health, mental
and physical health, and even accumulatemore wealth. I mean, those divorced
lawyers are pretty expensive. So I'ma big proponent of taking your time.
(24:55):
You know what Diana Ross says,can't hurry love right. You want to
slow down, and so I recommendagain only if you're looking for long term,
committed relationship, that you delay theonset of first sex in a new
relationship. Now I think it wasalmost three months into my current relationship that
(25:18):
we had sex for the first time. It's not that we didn't have affection.
We were kissing and holding hands andtouching and whatever, and ask for
permission to do everything. Lots ofconsent there. But by the time we
got there, we knew each otherso well we'd built this intimacy. Now.
I've also had a long life ofall kinds of relationships, including see
(25:41):
we used to call them one nightstands. Isn't that quaint? But now
they're called hook ups? What elsedo they call? Kayla? Do they
have names when there's a quickie,A sneaky side guy? Yeah, yeah,
I think you got them covered.Okay, nothing wrong with that.
But it's very, very difficult toconvert a short term relationship into a long
(26:06):
term relationship, and sometimes that's whatpeople hope to do, because once they
get into it, they realize theyreally like this person. They forgot to
fall in love in the first place, and now their brain is being assaulted
with a cocktail of neural hormones thatfeels so delicious. Maybe they think they're
in love, but I don't know. Here's why slowing things down matters for
(26:29):
women. It helps prevent what's knownas the oxytocin effect. So men and
women when they have sex, bothrelease this neuro hormone called oxytocin in large
amounts, and oxytocin is a it'soften known as the bonding hormone. Like
the other time in a woman's lifewhere her body emits so much oxytocin is
when she's breastfeeding to help her bondwith her child. Okay, now here's
(26:53):
the problem with the oxytocin effect.You start to fall in love with whoever
you're having sex with over and overagain. So you might be thinking that
this is sports sex. You mightbe thinking this is just a hookup,
but you start to catch feelings.Why is this a problem for women.
Well, men, although they dohave a lot of oxytocin when they have
(27:15):
sex, the response or the result, the impact of that oxytocin is trumped
by a huge amount of testosterone.Right, So the testosterone blunts the effect
of the oxytocin, and men tendto not fall in love through sex.
So what ends up happening is twopeople will start having a situation ship.
(27:38):
You know, a situation ship isn'tmeans they're in a situation where they're meeting,
they're having dates, they're having sex, but nobody is saying what are
we or nobody's talking about feelings.And in that situation ship, the woman
is starting to have feelings and fallin love with this guy and doesn't know
how to bring it up. Honestly, I know this because you send me
(28:00):
dms all the time asking me howto convert this. I mean. The
other problem for women is that youcould just accidentally fall in love with a
loser. Like literally, there's womenhave come to me and said, oh
my god, he's so great,that's going I'd been singing He's that's amazing,
And I'll be like, didn't yousay that that was just a hookup
or a sports sex or an arrangementor whatever. Yeah, But now that
I'm seeing him a lot, I'mreally into him, and I'm like,
(28:21):
you know, he doesn't have ajob, right, and you know,
like he has whatever history of whatever. A lot of women who are engaged
and he left the altar four times, like, why would you He's got
six baby mamas and eight kids,and why Well, you know he's different
with me, right, No,he's not. You have oxytocin in your
brain, That's what's happening. Soit makes women unable to assess well for
(28:45):
the new partners. Now, there'sanother thing that happens to men when you
have fast love instead of slow love, and it is men get disappointed because
evolution designed them to avoid women whoshared their eggs with the whole tribe or
the team. And when a womangives them sex easily, they think to
(29:10):
themselves, well, this is fun, and this is wonderful, and this
is great, but this is notwifey material. Honestly, ladies, I
know you hate to hear this,but on every first date, the guy
is thinking to himself, am Igoing to meet my wife tonight? Or
am I going to have great sex? They never think it's the same thing.
They have evolved to have a splitand it's not patriarchy. It goes
back to our anthropological past when ifa man risked hooking up with a woman
(29:34):
who shared her eggs with the team, he could end up, you know,
raising another man's gens right. SoI learned this firsthand a very painful
way back. When I was ayoung woman and single. I met this
guy. He was a music producer, he was wealthy, he was great,
and I thought, oh my god, this could be perfect. I
could live in this mansion with them. Everything would be great. And like
(29:55):
by the third date, we hadsex, and you know what he said
after sex? He said, I'mso disappointed. And I said, what,
excuse me, I'm lying there inthe glow of perfection. What And
he said, I wanted to courtyou. Why didn't you let me court
you? He literally said that,And I was so confused. I was
(30:15):
like twenty eight years old. Whatdid I know? Right? Thirty years
old? Something? I didn't getit. But now I know because I've
read the science on it. Menwant the opportunity to court a woman.
They want a woman to play alittle bit hard to get, sorry,
but they do well. People ofall genders value something that they have to
work for a little bit. Themost important reason to practice slow love is
(30:36):
it gives you time to evaluate.It allows you to grow communication skills.
It allows you to grow emotional intimacy, which the research says is the number
one thing that keeps people together forthe long term, it's the glue emotional
intimacy, and you get to dothat without being overwhelmed by those sneaky neuro
(30:59):
hormones who send you bad advice.So there's my advice. Slow things down.
If you're looking for a long term, committed relationship, if you're a
woman in your fertility window who wantsto have kids. If this is what
you're looking for, hey, ifyou want to hook up, no judgment
here. Enjoy yourself. I've beenthere. It's fun. But if you're
(31:19):
looking for love, practice slow love. Thanks so much for listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf IAm six fort If you'd like to follow
me on my social media, youcertainly may The handle everywhere is at doctor
Wendy Walsh, but I'm always herefor you on KFI every Sunday night.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
(31:41):
kf I Am six forty from sevento nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on demand on theiHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show. You're listening liveeither on KFI AM six forty or on
the iHeartRadio app. Ah, youknow I've told you before I met my
man Julio on a dating app thatone happened to be Bumble. Although you
(00:23):
always ask me that question, don'tyou which dating app do you suggest,
Doctor Wendy. I think all thedating apps are the same as all the
nightclubs we all used to go too. It's the same people the cruise around
all the different dating apps. Theymight change a few pictures in their profile,
they may write some things differently,but it's not about the app.
(00:46):
It's about the way you use it. For instance, years ago, I
was coaching a young woman. Shewas an executive at a tech company,
and I was helping her go throughher Tinder. But she was in her
early she was looking to get marriedand have a baby, and so I
told her. Because Tinder has alittle bit of a reputation now, the
(01:08):
Tinder executives would tell me I'm wrongabout this, but I'll just tell you
because I know how our culture is. It has a bit of reputation for
being a hook up app. Lookthink about it. Tinder evolved after its
predecessor, Grinder, was so successful. You don't know what Grinder is.
It's because you're not gay. Grinderwas the very first dating app that had
(01:30):
GPS in it, so you couldliterally find you know, lots of minority
communities, either sexual minorities, ethnicminorities, religious minorities are just if you
live in a really small town minority. They find each other on apps.
That's why apps are so great,because you find somebody like you anyway.
Grinder was the first app to beable to pinpoint where you were and pinpoint
(01:53):
where the other person was, andyou could find somebody and you could have
joy and pleasure very quickly with thatperson. So Tinder became originally the heterosexual
I think Tinder's got it all nowthey all have it all, but app
for that. So it's got thisreputation of being a meat for sex kind
of app, even though they haveworked very hard to not have that reputation,
(02:15):
and lots of people have met andmarried but I digress. So because
they had this reputation. I'm coachingthis young woman and I said to her,
listen, the very first text whenyou match with somebody should say,
I know this app has a bitof a hook up reputation. Just want
you to know from the outset that'snot what I'm into, and that's not
(02:36):
what I'm here for. I'm actuallylooking for a long term relationship. She's
like, really, like, sayit right there at the beginning, just
like that, Yes, say itright from the beginning. Who you are
and what you want is what youneed to say. Now. I know
I hear you. I hear whatyou're saying, but I don't know what
I want. I don't know ifI'm ready. I just kind of want
to see what's out there. Okay, then you're going to get the riff
(02:58):
raff that's out there walking through yourbedroom. Okay, that's what's going to
happen because you aren't clear with yourselfwhy you're on those apps and what you
want. So I want to gothrough the five steps to finding love on
a dating app. I know itworks because I followed these steps exactly.
(03:19):
You don't think I do what Ido, just so that you can have
a better life and better relationships.Oh no, no, no, no.
Like every psychology student, mostly they'retaking courses to fix themselves. And
mostly I tell you this so thatI can stay on track. I can
listen to my own advice. Icould stick to it, and I did
and it worked. Okay, solet's start. You open up that app,
(03:42):
you make that profile. Here's wecould do many, many, many
segments about what to put in yourprofile and what not to put in your
profile. I will just say this, if you're over forty, keep your
shirt on. All right, I'mdone with this. All right. You
can have form fitting clothes and doa full length shot and they know that
you're basically fit. But remember whenpeople are swiping plenty of no matter what
gender, they're swiping a wide rangeoften a wide range of ages. So
(04:08):
they might swipe a twenty five yearold and next is the forty five year
old. Now you might be thehottest forty five year old out there with
your shirt off, sir or madam. But if you show up in their
feed immediately after a twenty five yearold who's filled with human growth hormones,
you don't have so many of thoseanymore, then you're gonna look terrible.
Okay, So I'm just saying,just look a little like hold it in,
(04:32):
okay, just a little bit,keep it back, all right.
So some of the rules are aboutprofiles. Women, you should have at
least one full body shot. WhenI say full body, have some clothes
on. Secondly, you should havea headshot. But guys don't like all
the filters and all the makeup andthe lashes. You can do one beauty
(04:53):
shot like that, but do somethingnatural with natural light, out hiking,
no makeup. Whatever. They wantto see who you really are, you
know what. I went on abunch of dates before I met Julio a
few years ago, and I rememberone guy saying that his theory is this,
he goes, you go through someone'sprofile and you find the most unattractive
picture of them in their profile.Now, they still chose to put it
(05:17):
up there. So he said youshould only look at that most unattractive picture.
Do you know why, because hesaid, that's actually what they look
like. Okay, they put itup there they believe it's reflective of them,
and so that's all you should expectto be meeting, not all those
other ones. Guys, as faras you can, you get off the
baseball hat and the sunglasses. Weknow you're balding. It's okay. We
(05:41):
love bald men means bigger brains,right, So there's no reason to hide
under a hat in every single pictureand sunglasses. Really, who are you
hiding from? Are you a moviestar? I don't get it, so
anyway, I just want to saythat. And also, guys, show
some teeth. You're stern. Iknow it's hard for you to smile.
Guys don't smile very much. Ialso know that many guys take pictures alone
(06:05):
in their bathroom mirror. I knowyou, I see you out there.
Do you not have a friend whocan take a picture of you? I
mean it could be your sister,because you really look like a lone wolf
to us when you're all alone inyour bathroom mirror. And those are all
your pictures. Okay, so getsome pictures taken. I will say that
Julio did something really right. Ialways tell men to do this. Look.
(06:27):
You may not be rich, butyou want to make sure you look
high class and rich. I don'tcare where you live, what zip coach
you're in. Go find some classicdoric columns somewhere in some classical building.
You can find them at museums,you can find them at usc you can
find them at the Huntington Library.And Hulio had one of those who was
standing on the steps with these giantRoman columns behind him, and I was
like, ooh. He was atCornell University on a visit, of course,
(06:48):
and he did have people take picturesof him. And I liked to
shoes and it was a full lengthshot, but I you know how you
pinch with your fingers in a zoom, right, and I'm like, oh,
those are good shoes. Right.Listen, Jen woman. You may
think that we are only looking atyou, but we are studying the background
as much as we are studying you. We are looking at that lamp behind
(07:09):
you and trying to decide if it'sfrom restoration hardware or IKEA. Okay,
so you have to think about everythinggoing on in the picture. But I
digress. How do you actually usethe apps? There's all kinds of advice
you can get on profile building.When we come back, I want to
give you the six steps to goingfrom first match to the what are we
(07:32):
conversation? When we come back,you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on kf I AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from kf I Am six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy WallsShow on KFI AM six forty and
(07:54):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.Remember you can follow me anywhere on my
social media. The handle is atdoctor Wendy Walsh Instagram, TikTok, YouTube,
wherever you like to get your videos. I am there a reminder to
everybody. I have a PhD inclinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at
cal State Channel Islands. I've writtenthree books on relationships into my dissertation on
(08:18):
attachment Style, because I am reallyobsessed with the science of love. But
I also love to share my experience, and many of you who have been
following me for a long time knowthat at the beginning of the pandemic,
when we were all lonely, Iwas cloistered in my home with two young
adult daughter teenager, young adultish whobasically rolled their eyes anytime I breathed,
(08:41):
and so after dinner I'd go intomy bedroom to see what was remember Tiger
King, what was streaming. I'dpour myself a glass of wine and I
said, you know what, youcan't be doing this way. You gotta
get this done. So I wenton the dating apps. I should tell
you that because it was at thebeginning of pandemic pre vaccines, I got
to use as a litmus test mycarefulness around COVID exposure. In other words,
(09:09):
I would say to guys, ifyou want to meet me in the
real world, it's got to beWe can do FaceTime dates, whatever,
zoom dates, we can talk onthe phone, but if you want to
meet in the real world, it'sgot to be outside social distancing at least
six feet preferably with a lot ofwind blowing and masks on. And you
know, there are a lot ofguys who wouldn't do that, and so
it was great. I got togo, Okay, you're not for me,
(09:31):
moving on, But anyway, whetheryou're in a pandemic or not,
here are the six steps to goingfrom that first match on a dating app
to the what are we now?Conversation? According to me, I made
this up because I did it andit worked, So just do what I
did okay. Number one. Allhumans suffer from something called a paradox of
(09:54):
choice. When you have too muchchoice, you are less likely to commit
to one of those choice, Andwhen you do commit to one of those
choices, you are less likely tovalue that person because you're always thinking about
the bigger, better deal that gotaway. So dating apps aren't actually designed
to help you find love. Theyare designed to get you addicted to the
app, and they use paradox ofchoice. So how do you hack the
(10:20):
bio hacking of the dating app?You only match with two people at once.
Now there are people on their datingapps who may be messaging five or
ten or even twenty people all atonce. How do you even remember their
stories? How do you remember anything? Don't do that. Don't go as
we say, don't go back tothe deck. It's like a deck of
(10:41):
cards. You're swiping right. Don'tgo back to the deck until you have
two people and you've assessed at leastone and gotten rid of them. And
I'll tell you how to get ridof them too, in a polite,
nice way, in a minute.So you got two people in your message
box, ladies, I just wantto tell you this other thing. So
men and women use dating apps verydifferently. When women use a dating app,
(11:03):
they pause, they read the wordsvery carefully that you, gentlemen wrote
hint? Are you listening? Guys? If you don't put words in your
profile, we just swipe away.I don't care if there's just a picture
there. I don't care who youare. I know I need to hear
you, I need to feel you. I need to read your words.
Okay, so you got to writesomething. So we scrutinize the words.
(11:24):
We try to think what does hemean by that? What is he implying
by that? We scrutinize the pictures. We wonder who took it, where
he was, how many years oldit is, what room of the house
it's in, Does he own thatthing in the background. We look at
everything and ask those questions. Sowhat men do? Unfortunately, and there's
all kinds of research to support this, men are less choosy when it comes
(11:48):
to relationship partners than women are.Women are more selective. Look sex is
a higher risk cobby for women thanit is for men. We have more
chance of catching an stright because ofour unique biology, we have more chance
of accidentally falling in love with you. Because our bodies emit so much oxytocin,
the bonding hormone, we also aremore likely to catch an eighteen year
(12:11):
case of parenthood. So okay,we have evolved as women to be more
choosy now because men are less choosy. Here's what happens. They basically swipe
right on every single woman they see. I mean, unless you look like
you just got off your broom andyou are a witch and they're scared you're
(12:31):
gonna cast a spell on them.Otherwise, they just swipe on everybody.
So when women first get on theapp and they do all their close scrutinizing
and they find that kind of onethat they think, oh, this could
be a really good match. Ohmy god, he's good looking and I
love everything in his profile, andthen they click swipe right, and all
(12:52):
of a sudden, the app goes, yeay, you're a match. And
then women go, oh my god, oh my god, this one that
I was so into, I'm amatch. And then twenty five guys later,
she sees another one who could behe could have potential to me.
I should just see I could tokind a match with him. See if
I swipe right there, and thenboom, it's a match. Some of
them have like fireworks that go offand stars that fly, and the girls
(13:13):
are like, oh my god,I'm killing it on this app. No,
you're not. Every man on theapp has already matched with you and
they are waiting for you to tryto match with them. Okay, you're
not killing it on the app.It's just that men and women use the
apps differently. That's something that everybodyshould understand. Okay, so get your
(13:35):
first two matches, people of allgenders, and send a couple texts.
Now here's one of the problems withBumble. For instance, the women have
to talk first. Otherwise the matchexpires in twenty four hours, so you
got twenty four hours to say something. But it defies mother nature because as
far as I know, sperm chasesegg and not the reverse. So if
(13:56):
women are out there talking first,you already get devalued in men's eyes.
I'm sorry. I know it soundslike patriarchy and all that, but it's
evolutionary psychology and I have read theresearch on this. So ladies, I'll
tell you there's one word you cansay on Bumble as your first little chat,
and I used it all the time. It's a winning word. It's
(14:16):
amazing how it gets a response immediatelyfrom guys. The word is high and
that is it. That's all you'reallowed to put. Okay, if he's
into you, he's going to writeback then. I also heard this is
other technique that women are using iswhen they're on Bumble, they let the
match expire and see if he rematchesbecause he gets a little note going,
(14:39):
she didn't talk to you, it'sbeen twenty four hours. Do you want
to try to rematch with her?Okay? I didn't even know Bumble work
this way, but apparently Julio triedto rematch with me like five times over
a two week period, but Ihadn't been on the app, so by
the time I said something to him, he was like, oh my god,
you're there. It's like I builtup that sense of anticipation without even
(15:00):
knowing it. Well, imagine ifyou could kind of manipulate it and make
that happen. All right, Somatch with only two people at once.
Number two, get on the phonefast, exchange two or three texts,
and then give up your phone number. When we come back, I'm going
to tell you how to give upyour phone number, how to keep yourself
(15:22):
safe, and after that phone call, how to get rid of them.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show on kf I Am six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I AM sixforty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
(15:43):
I want to say something about theiHeartRadio app. You know, there
are many cars right now that don'teven have AM radio. I happen to
have one, and so I listento everything on Bluetooth streaming through my car.
So I just listen to the iHeartRadioapp, and I choose the music
I want and everything I want.But I'm telling you this because you can
always listen to doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand on the app. So if you've
(16:06):
missed a portion of a show,if you've missed past shows, if you're
doing a big drive up the fivefor five or ten hours, you could
just listen to doctor Wendy Walsh allday long. Oh god, that's creepy.
Just the thought of it. Youknow one of the guys in my
Patreon zoom room who's been a loyalfollower for years. I think he found
me through my podcast Mating Matters.He's in Australia and he's like a big
(16:26):
tech executive and he finally admitted thathe um, he became a fan because
he used my podcasts to fall asleepat night. I know that's what I
said. He said, there's somethingsoothing about your voice. Here, I'll
do the voice. So now you'regetting sleepy, you're falling asleep, and
(16:49):
if you're driving, to stop rightnow. We want them to listen.
Doctors that funny. I get whathe means, though, you do have
a very calming voice. He's fallingasleep to my fight, he goes he
would just pick up where he fellasleep last time and go back and listen
to the rest of the pod.Anyway, I am talking about the six
steps to finding love on a datingapp. I mentioned only sending a few
texts and then getting on the phonefast. Look, you don't want to
(17:11):
date somebody who can't give good phonedo you. And also my experience I
remember this is all from experience,is that if you meet somebody and they
won't get on the phone. Theyjust want to text with you and get
you into the real world. They'rehiding something. They're hiding something. They're
poor social skills, their ability toan inability to connect with you emotionally or
(17:33):
be funny, all kinds of thingsthat they could have going on. So
they want to just get you inthe real world to try to convince you
there that they're a good person.But somebody who's smart gets on the phone.
If they won't get on the phone, don't meet him for coffee.
Okay, now you've had the phonecall and you've realized, you know what,
(17:53):
we might not be a match here. Please do not ghost them.
That's a real human And you knowwhat, if you're searching in your zip
code or even in your city,you're going to run into them somewhere a
farmer's market, at the beach,a business god prop, a business meeting.
Right, They're human in your world, in your community, in your
age group. I hope it's ageappropriate, but anyway, so all you
(18:17):
need to do is compose a nicelittle text mine, I cut and paste
it. I'd add something personalized atthe top, like, hey, it
was great chatting with you. Goodluck at your daughter's wedding next week.
It sounds like it's gonna be fun. I don't think romance is in the
cards for us, but I promisedto keep you in mind for a friend.
Listen. Nobody wrote me back andyelled at me. Some of them
(18:40):
didn't write at all after that text. Some of them wrote, hey,
thanks for not ghost in, orthanks, yeah, I'll keep you in
mind too, whatever, like justsweet, nice conversation. One guy,
an English guy, actually wrote backand said, you know what, just
that phone conversation was enough for meto get my mojo back. If I
could have a woman like you totalk to me, I can get anybody.
I was like what he was,just like, so impressed with my
(19:04):
phone. I guess I give goodphone. Yeah, I give good radio.
So get a phone anyway. Okay, so you get rid of them
now. I want you to rememberthat finding love is a process of elimination.
It's about saying no to many,many, many, many, many
inappropriate people until the right one isstanding right in front of you. Okay,
so get rid of them. Ifit's not clicking right away, all
(19:26):
right. If they did give goodphone, then you're gonna meet for a
coffee, all right. You're gonnatake a few days after that phone call
and then genderly meet out and sayhey, you want to reach out and
just say hey, do you wantto grab a coffee somewhere? Always act
very busy and happy, busy andhappy people of all genders. Hey,
I have a few minutes in betweentwo things. I'll be on this part
of town. Maybe we can meet. Make it quick, because that way
(19:48):
you can make a quick getaway ifyou want. Now, here's the thing.
You always have to leave them wantingmore. If you go on a
twenty to thirty minute coffee date andyou allow yourself to stretch it into a
lunch in an afternoon movie, you'velost. You've lost the meet in game,
all right. You've got to getout of there, leave them wanting
more. Now, if you've donethe phone call and they've passed, if
(20:11):
you've done the coffee date, nowis the time you're going to have your
first date. Basically, the thirdmeeting. The first meetings on the phone,
the second meetings in coffee. Thethird meeting is your first date.
That's when you can get dressed upand go somewhere or do something interesting.
You found what things you like incommon, for instance. Right, so
that's when you have your first date. All right, I'm on number five
(20:34):
already, number one match with onlytwo people at once. Write this down
number two, get on the phonefast number three, send a no thank
you text, or meet for coffee. Number four. First date comes after
coffee number five. And this isthe big one. Now you're going on
a few dates and you like thisperson. Have the sexual exclusivity conversation before
(20:55):
you have sex. Once the barndoors open, it's too late, folks.
Hopefully you're not as big a barndoor. Just saying, but anyway,
have the sexual exclusivity conversation before.And here's how the conversation should go.
So I'm really into you, I'mreally attracted to you. I love
how this is going. We don'tknow what the future is going to be
(21:15):
for us. We're still just checkingeach other out. We're evaluating. But
i'd like to have sex with you, and if I do, I'd like
to know that I'm the only personyou're sleeping with. Be brave. It's
usually women who say this, bythe way, men don't say it.
But be brave and say it andif they now, I know what you're
(21:36):
going to say because you say itto me online all the time. But
they lie. They say they arebut they're not. Like then you are
having sex with somebody who don't trust. You need to listen to your stomach
and ask yourself do you trust thisperson? Okay? Then you continue having
dates, you continue having sex allgreat, protect use protection, folks,
and then you have the what arewe conversation? When do you have that?
(22:00):
Well? Research shows that men tendto fall in love first, women
tend to say I love you first, and it's usually somewhere between three and
six months. For me. Withmy Julio, I said it first,
and it happened at a gas station. He thought it was terribly unromantic.
But what happened is we were ona very long car trip. He had
(22:21):
done so many nice things for mein the days before, and we stopped
for gas. I was driving.I was driving at that point because we're
switching off, and he jumped outof the passenger seat and started pumping the
gas, even with his own creditcard. It was my trip because I
needed him to come with me onsomething I was doing. Anyway, I'd
never had a man pump gas forme before. Can you believe that?
(22:42):
Can you believe? I was raisedwith all brothers where we were all independent,
you know, it was just likeevery man for himself. And I
looked I was just like And hecame around to the driver's side door while
the gas was pumping, and heopened the door to lean in to give
me a kiss, and he gaveme a kiss, and I just out
(23:03):
of nowhere, said I love you. And he said, at a gas
station. Really, this is howunromantic are you? I cannot believe the
first time you say it, it'sat a gas station. But I knew
he already felt it. He alreadyfelt it. You gotta be brave.
You gotta have the what are weconversation? All right when we come back?
(23:26):
Why slow love works? Why slowingthings down in a new relationship can
really work to create long term love. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy
Walls Show and kf I Am sixforty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio album.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from kf I Am six forty.
(23:48):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy WallsShow on kf I am six forty.
We are in the home stretch ofthe Doctor Wendy Walls Show. If
you've been with me for three hours, good for you. I'm so happy
been here. If you missed anypart of the show, remember you can
always go to the iHeartRadio app andyou can listen to it. It will
be up there. I want totalk about slow love. It's an idea
(24:11):
that I proposed years ago. Ithink when my book came out, The
Thirty Day Love Detox, it wasreally a book about slow love, and
really it's something that I recommend tomany people who are looking for long term
attachments. Again, no judgment.If you want to have a short term
relationship because you want pleasure, oryou want to get your mojo back,
(24:33):
or you want to get back atsomebody. I don't know many reasons why
you might want a short term relationship, there's no judgment. But we do
know that long term, committed peoplelive longer, have better health, mental
and physical health, and even accumulatemore wealth. I mean, those divorced
lawyers are pretty expensive. So I'ma big proponent of taking your time.
(24:55):
You know what Diana Ross says,can't hurry love right. You want to
slow down, and so I recommendagain only if you're looking for long term,
committed relationship, that you delay theonset of first sex in a new
relationship. Now I think it wasalmost three months into my current relationship that
(25:18):
we had sex for the first time. It's not that we didn't have affection.
We were kissing and holding hands andtouching and whatever, and ask for
permission to do everything. Lots ofconsent there. But by the time we
got there, we knew each otherso well we'd built this intimacy. Now.
I've also had a long life ofall kinds of relationships, including see
(25:41):
we used to call them one nightstands. Isn't that quaint? But now
they're called hook ups? What elsedo they call? Kayla? Do they
have names when there's a quickie,A sneaky side guy? Yeah, yeah,
I think you got them covered.Okay, nothing wrong with that.
But it's very, very difficult toconvert a short term relationship into a long
(26:06):
term relationship, and sometimes that's whatpeople hope to do, because once they
get into it, they realize theyreally like this person. They forgot to
fall in love in the first place, and now their brain is being assaulted
with a cocktail of neural hormones thatfeels so delicious. Maybe they think they're
in love, but I don't know. Here's why slowing things down matters for
(26:29):
women. It helps prevent what's knownas the oxytocin effect. So men and
women when they have sex, bothrelease this neuro hormone called oxytocin in large
amounts, and oxytocin is a it'soften known as the bonding hormone. Like
the other time in a woman's lifewhere her body emits so much oxytocin is
when she's breastfeeding to help her bondwith her child. Okay, now here's
(26:53):
the problem with the oxytocin effect.You start to fall in love with whoever
you're having sex with over and overagain. So you might be thinking that
this is sports sex. You mightbe thinking this is just a hookup,
but you start to catch feelings.Why is this a problem for women.
Well, men, although they dohave a lot of oxytocin when they have
(27:15):
sex, the response or the result, the impact of that oxytocin is trumped
by a huge amount of testosterone.Right, So the testosterone blunts the effect
of the oxytocin, and men tendto not fall in love through sex.
So what ends up happening is twopeople will start having a situation ship.
(27:38):
You know, a situation ship isn'tmeans they're in a situation where they're meeting,
they're having dates, they're having sex, but nobody is saying what are
we or nobody's talking about feelings.And in that situation ship, the woman
is starting to have feelings and fallin love with this guy and doesn't know
how to bring it up. Honestly, I know this because you send me
(28:00):
dms all the time asking me howto convert this. I mean. The
other problem for women is that youcould just accidentally fall in love with a
loser. Like literally, there's womenhave come to me and said, oh
my god, he's so great,that's going I'd been singing He's that's amazing,
And I'll be like, didn't yousay that that was just a hookup
or a sports sex or an arrangementor whatever. Yeah, But now that
I'm seeing him a lot, I'mreally into him, and I'm like,
(28:21):
you know, he doesn't have ajob, right, and you know,
like he has whatever history of whatever. A lot of women who are engaged
and he left the altar four times, like, why would you He's got
six baby mamas and eight kids,and why Well, you know he's different
with me, right, No,he's not. You have oxytocin in your
brain, That's what's happening. Soit makes women unable to assess well for
(28:45):
the new partners. Now, there'sanother thing that happens to men when you
have fast love instead of slow love, and it is men get disappointed because
evolution designed them to avoid women whoshared their eggs with the whole tribe or
the team. And when a womangives them sex easily, they think to
(29:10):
themselves, well, this is fun, and this is wonderful, and this
is great, but this is notwifey material. Honestly, ladies, I
know you hate to hear this,but on every first date, the guy
is thinking to himself, am Igoing to meet my wife tonight? Or
am I going to have great sex? They never think it's the same thing.
They have evolved to have a splitand it's not patriarchy. It goes
back to our anthropological past when ifa man risked hooking up with a woman
(29:34):
who shared her eggs with the team, he could end up, you know,
raising another man's gens right. SoI learned this firsthand a very painful
way back. When I was ayoung woman and single. I met this
guy. He was a music producer, he was wealthy, he was great,
and I thought, oh my god, this could be perfect. I
could live in this mansion with them. Everything would be great. And like
(29:55):
by the third date, we hadsex, and you know what he said
after sex? He said, I'mso disappointed. And I said, what,
excuse me, I'm lying there inthe glow of perfection. What And
he said, I wanted to courtyou. Why didn't you let me court
you? He literally said that,And I was so confused. I was
(30:15):
like twenty eight years old. Whatdid I know? Right? Thirty years
old? Something? I didn't getit. But now I know because I've
read the science on it. Menwant the opportunity to court a woman.
They want a woman to play alittle bit hard to get, sorry,
but they do well. People ofall genders value something that they have to
work for a little bit. Themost important reason to practice slow love is
(30:36):
it gives you time to evaluate.It allows you to grow communication skills.
It allows you to grow emotional intimacy, which the research says is the number
one thing that keeps people together forthe long term, it's the glue emotional
intimacy, and you get to dothat without being overwhelmed by those sneaky neuro
(30:59):
hormones who send you bad advice.So there's my advice. Slow things down.
If you're looking for a long term, committed relationship, if you're a
woman in your fertility window who wantsto have kids. If this is what
you're looking for, hey, ifyou want to hook up, no judgment
here. Enjoy yourself. I've beenthere. It's fun. But if you're
(31:19):
looking for love, practice slow love. Thanks so much for listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf IAm six fort If you'd like to follow
me on my social media, youcertainly may The handle everywhere is at doctor
Wendy Walsh, but I'm always herefor you on KFI every Sunday night.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
(31:41):
kf I Am six forty from sevento nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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