May 2, 2024 • 38 mins
Friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson returns for another “Asking for a Friend.” She lays out how conflict in our friendships is not only normal, but an opportunity to meet a need and ultimately strengthen the relationship. And she gives us some concrete pointers on how to navigate that conflict. Her book “Fighting for Our Friendships” is out May 7. Plus, adventures in recreating healthy recipes at home, keeping tabs on your friends and family, and the girls soccer team that beat a boys team for a championship. Need some friendship advice? Send us an email at hello@thebrightsidepodcast.com and we may get you an answer from an expert!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey fam Today on the bright Side, we're back with
another edition of Asking for a Friend. Friendship coach Danielle
Buyer Jackson is here to talk all about healthy conflict
and friendships. Plus she answers some of your questions. It's Thursday,
May second. I'm Simone Boyce, I'm.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Danielle robe and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine. Okay,
speaking of friends, I need to defriend you. Why I
can't take any more of these health food experiments.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I can't not you too, Okay for anyone who doesn't know,
I have this thing where I try to recreate these
healthy food recipes that I see on like Pinterest. I
try to recreate them at home, and they've been a
little bit out of control lately. Like I tried making
a empanada, which is a a street that has meat inside,
(00:55):
but I made the crust with plantain, served it to
my husband. He hated. He thought it was terrible.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Your kids taste test any of this, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
They don't like any of it either. I'm the only
one who eats it. And then I tried to chicken crust,
pizza chicken crust.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Yes, this is what you sent me A photo of
this is where I felt ill.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So the crust is made from chicken, egg and parmesan cheese.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
My mom is gonna love this.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
It's like a high protein pizza crust that doesn't taste
anything like pizza crust.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Well, I know you're on your workout thirty day plans,
So is this why you made this so you can
just be eating protein?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yes, I'm a little protein crazed at the moment.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
What does Michael do when you feed in these for
dinner and then he can't eat it?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Bless his heart. He's so kind. He's such a kind man.
He tries to be really polite. Like the other day
when I was like, Hey, I'm gonna try making those
empanadas again. I'm really going to try to perfect the
recipe tonight. This is my second try at it. He
was like, oh, cool, do you mind just like leaving
me some of the meat on the side, Like I
really love the meat filling that you made. And I
(01:58):
was like, you can just say you hate it, and
he's like, okay, well yeah it wasn't my favorite.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
There's this great book called Nonviolent Communication. Yes, I feel
like Michael is practiced at that because I would have
been like, uh, I'm.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Going to order Chinese food, but I'm good, thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
He's an envyck. He's a non violent communication king. Oh wait,
can we call out your on hinge behavior?
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Though?
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Why what did I do?
Speaker 2 (02:24):
In my Instagram dns? This morning, Danielle sends me a
video of a woman sewing an air tag inside her
husband's shoe, and Danielle's like, yeah, that's something I would do.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
I can't end up having. Okay, first of all, it
is something I would do. Maybe I don't know. I
don't trust men. I had this really bad boyfriend five
years ago. I used to be securely attached, like I
believed everybody. I was this nice Midwest girl from Chicago
who came to LA and took everybody at face value.
And then I dated this guy that was so brutal,
(02:56):
Like I hate that. I don't trust people because of him.
But it really shifted things. So now I'm sewing air
tags into shoes, I'm using ring cameras like I do
not put anything past men.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Oh my gosh. Well, if you're trying to date Danielle
to the two percent of our audience that is mail,
just make sure you have like an air tag detector
or something at home so that you cannot check those shoes.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yeah, or just like overly text me and tell me
where you are. Maybe I need to share a location.
That gets crazy. Actually, I don't know. It's tough with
the sharing. My parents have my location, my friends, and
my friends share their location with other friends. My friend's like, yeah,
I have twenty friends on here. I'm just tracking them all. Oh,
so and so is going to the store. And I'm like, what,
this is so much, it's too much. I also, you know,
(03:43):
I love to be at home on the couch, so
I can't have my friends track my location because it's
always there.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
There's always home, be a blinking dot in the same spot.
Just wouldn't move exactly.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
Sometimes I get texts from my parents like why aren't
you out on a Saturday night?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Are you alive?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Well, from unhinged to undefeated, we have some good news.
You want to shout out a team of girls that
are making us all so proud. There's a girl's under
twelve football team in the UK, which really means soccer
here in the US, and they won the championship.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
In the Boys League.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
So badass they earned the title Invincibles because of it.
But they went undefeated all season. And here's the best part.
They were met with some resistance from the league bosses,
who told them after winning like eighteen games that they
had to play in the all girls competition. And the
team's manager, Toby Green, stepped in and convinced everyone that
(04:42):
his team of girls was skilled enough to play in
the league. And then they won it all.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
They got the w WE stand Toby. Toby is such
an ally to the community, totally.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Toby is with us.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Toby is with us all the way. First of all, girls,
you just you go, you the damn thing. I hope
that Hello Sunshine makes a movie out of this. This
is movie material all the way. And thirdly, can we
get the girls or Toby on the show. We have
to get them on the bright side. Oh yes, this
is iconic.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
We have to give them their flowers.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
We have to. I'm just so happy for them. I
hope they feel so proud of themselves. This is such
a huge achievement.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I feel like this is going to set them up
for the rest of their life too. You know, you
have like defining moments as a kid, and like gosh,
should be like, I can beat the boys, or I
can be in this league. I can compete just like
right next to the guys and do the thing the way.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
They can walk into a dinner party when they're older
and be like, yeah, I was on an undefeated all
girls team that played in the boys league.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
They're gonna have the best. Two truths are a lie?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Oh totally yeah. We love celebrating women's wins. Here on
the bright side, and we have some exciting news for
all of our Reese's book Club besties out there, Danielle,
the may RBC pick is officially here. Let me get
to announce it on the show today. Mmm mmmm So,
without further ado, the may Reese's Book Club pick is
(06:07):
drumroll please, How to End a Love Story by Yuleen Kwang.
I cannot wait to crack into this one, y'all. This
looks like the perfect beat read. It has fun, romantic
summer vibes. This book is Yuleen Quang's debut novel, and
it follows and Enemy's to Lovers narrative. Okay you following?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Oh like mister and missus Smith, it sounds like Enemies
to Lovers that.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
But with writers. Okay, so it's about two writers who
have a shared and complicated history. One of the characters, Helen,
is a best selling author, and then Grant is a screenwriter.
And then somehow they both end up in the writer's
room of the exact same TV show, and then of
course drama ensues. If you want to find out how
their love story ends and actually where it begins, you'll
(06:51):
have to read the book along with us. Please do
we want you to be part of this?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
First of all, this sounds so good, but also I
keep laughing because I'm like, this will never happen for me.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
I work in all women's spaces.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I'm never gonna meet my enemy turned lover at work.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, you'll have to penetrate a male dominated industry. Daniel
Julien Quang is also actually a screenwriter and director. She's
worked on shows like the CW's I Ship It and
Hulu's Dolphace. So yes, we love a multi hyphenit creative. Okay,
this is hilarious fun fact about this author. She was
once fired from a Hallmark movie for being too hip
(07:29):
for Hallmark. That is a badge of honor, Queen.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Totally too hip for Hallmark. I I'm incredible.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I'm envious of that firing, like I want that on
my resume.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
That's also a good two truths, sir Lie.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
All right, I know there are some Emily Henry fans
out there. Euleen Quang is also the adapting screenwriter of
Emily Henry's People We Meet on Vacation, and she's also
that book.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah, I haven't read it, but I mean it's such
a fun read.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Juleen is also the writer director of the forthcoming Beat
Read film, which makes sense because this sounds like the
perfect beat reade. We had a really great conversation with
Claire Lombardo, who was the author of April's RBC pick,
the most fun we ever had. I got some wonderful
messages from listeners about that episode. They loved hearing Claire read.
(08:17):
So that's something that we're gonna have to do is
get you Leen to read a passage from her book.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
And Claire gave us the tea she really did.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Yeah, that's the best part of having we get these
authors on first. Yes, they go through the rumor mill
online and talk to us about it.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I know, we're so lucky. So Julien Kwang will be
on The bright Side at the end of May to
talk about her novel How to End a Love Story,
So grab your copy now and send us your questions
to Hello at the Bridside podcast dot com.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Simon and I cannot wait to read this one. But
if you want to read along with us, Reese's book
Club is offering a Spring gift of reading box. Obviously,
How to End a Love Story is in it, and
it's there alongside some really fun, handpicked goodies. We did
it on boxing on Instagram if you want to see
everything in there. But these are limited edition boxes for
RBC fans, so we wanted to let you know about
(09:06):
them first and you can order them at shop dot
Reese's book Club dot com. Simone is a favorite product
in there. I loved the RBC tote bag that says
booked and busy.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
It's so cute. It's really cute, so clever.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
And then I'm a lip tint lipoil, lip gloss lip
balm girl and they had Merits tinted lipoil in there,
which was it was a great color.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So pretty. I have to say I love the brass bookmark.
It feels like you're taking a lap of luxury if
you're someone who typically dog ears your book pages like
I do. I mean, I feel like I jumped several
tax brackets by just using this brass bookmark. It's truly
incredible and life changing.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It really is. It's thin and it's thick, and it's fabulous.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
It's weighted. You slide it in there like butta, It's
just the best. Oh. Also shout out to Shuga FINA's
Riptide Raspberries Gummies lack of gummies.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Talk about luxury.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
If you're curious about what else is inside. Danielle and
I posted a video where we are unboxing the whole thing,
so check it out. I'm at Simone Boys on Instagram and.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I'm at Danielle robe RBA. Y.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
All right, Well up next, Danielle Bayer Jackson is here
to talk through friendship problems.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
But don't worry, we also got solutions for you. You
don't want to miss.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
This, Danielle, We are back with another edition of Asking
for a Friend. Hey, if you're new to the show,
Asking for a Friend is The Brightside's take on a
friendship advice column, where we bring in an expert to
(10:48):
answer our and your friendship dilemmas. Because even though we
love our girls to death. Joyful relationships take work, y'all.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Yeah, they do, and it's not a bad thing. Danielle
Buyer Jackson is here to tell tell us how to
do the work. Danielle is a friendship coach, the host
of the Friendship Forward podcast, and the author of the
upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, which is out next week.
So ahead of her book launch, Danielle is back on
the show to share her friendship philosophy and show us
(11:17):
how healthy conflict is the real key to making our
friendships deeper, stronger, and more fulfilling. So, Danielle Buyer Jackson,
Welcome to the bright Side and a huge congratulations on
the book.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Welcome, Danielle.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
I'm so glad to be back. Thank you so much
for having me. Everybody's been so supportive, and I'm really
excited to dig into some hot topics with you all
today because it's always a good time.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They're extra spicy today because we feel like we know
you no, So get ready.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
This is a no holds barred interview. Now, Danielle, do
you ever still struggle with friendship problems or have you
reached full friendship enlightenment?
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Could you imagine if I was like, oh, I totally
reached full of mind.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I would believe you. I would take you at facetyl
you and I would believe you. Oh no, no, no.
I am a woman out in the world.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
With her own complexes and ego stuff and sensitivities, and
I'm out here figuring it out too. I think doing
this work has made me bolder and we're courageous in friendship.
But I'm still working out my stuff too, and I'm
grateful to have women who are very patient with me.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Danielle. In your book, you write about how disagreements can
be productive and the ways they can bring us closer together.
We're used to working through conflict and family and romantic relationships,
but in friendships it often feels like a deal breaker.
Why is that?
Speaker 4 (12:37):
I think for a lot of us, we have been
raised with the anticipation of conflict in every other context.
We know we're going to get into it with our boo,
and we just know we're gonna have to work through
it right with our family and even at work we
have performance reviews, like we have these touch point moments
to talk about how are things going. But for some reason,
with friendship, we subscribe to the idea that like easy
(13:01):
and organic, so that when there is conflict we take
it as evidence that we must not be as close
as I thought. But we can reframe conflict is an
opportunity to meet a need or solve a problem. Don't
we think that as two people bringing different interests boundaries
needs to the table. At some point they're going to
clash and we have to work through it. So we've
(13:22):
got to make room to anticipate the same kind of tensions.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
You write about the differences in how men and women
respond to conflict and friendships. Can you say more about that?
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Yeah, I know it sometimes seems like I'm generalizing here,
but I report what the research has to say. And
one of the differences between men and women is for men,
they seem to have fewer social consequences for being perceived
as quote unquote difficult. So it's nothing to call their
friends out of his name, or to punch him in
the face, or to be like, bro, what you did
(13:54):
last night was not cool and not have a feel
like a threat to the relationship. But for women, we
know that there will be social consequences to being perceived
as drama, to being perceived as difficult. We are constantly
managing our appearance of looking cooperative, and so we just
continue to be silent because we are often praised for
(14:17):
being cooperative and we don't want to rock the book.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I really want to touch on these mismatched expectations because
I've personally experienced a lot of tension come up around weddings, birthdays,
special occasions where there are expectations that aren't being met.
What does setting expectations in friendship even look like?
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Oh, that's good.
Speaker 4 (14:38):
Yeah, it's tricky from the onset because friendship is the
most ambiguous relationship we have. With a romantic partner, we
know the predetermined life expectations, right with kids with your mother,
we know how this works. But with friendship, it's like,
are we ranking each other the same in closeness? Do
you expect me to invite you? Or would that be clany?
There's so much ambiguity, so you want to reduce the
(15:00):
ambiguity as much as you can. If anything, it's more
urgent for you to do it in friendship because we
are kind of negotiating it as we go along.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I think you're really hitting on something here, because we
all know what these expectations look like with.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Our moms, our partners, even at work.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
We kind of know what these expectations look like, but
I'm actually not sure I understand what they look like
around friendship because they look different for me than maybe
my friend.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Mm hmm. Well that's the thing. I think you hit
on it, Danielle. It's Danielle. I'm gonna call you Robe
for the sake of this conversation. I think you hit
on it. Robe. The expectations vary from friendship to friendship,
so that's where we can butt up against those feelings
of resentment if those expectations aren't met.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Yeah, So I think just kind of bridging the gap
during organic opportunities is really helpful. So, for example, if
you have a friend who doesn't call and check in
and you're like, I feel like that's basic, how do
I kind of let her know that without it feeling
like an accusation that that's kind of what I expect
and friendships, So even saying like, hey, I really love
our check ins, like it's so much fun and I
(16:06):
wish we could do it kind of like more often.
Are you down for like a Friday morning catchup every week?
But I'm letting you know, this feels normal to me,
This feels good to me. Are you open to meeting
me here? And I think many of us would be
surprised that most times they are.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Part of what I like about your work is you
never suggest punishment, So you don't call somebody and say like, hey,
I'm really bummed you're not doing X, Y and Z.
You're saying, hey, I'd really like to chat more like.
It's more of an ad on instead of a takeaway.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
You know, it's because we want people to respond well,
and at the heart of it, it is I miss you,
I desire more of you. The average person doesn't really
respond well to the other approach, right, somebody being like, oh,
you didn't invite me. Oh, I guess you can't call me.
Most people aren't responding that. So to say like, oh, man,
I would have loved to join you next time you go,
you know, think of me like I would love to come.
(16:57):
You know, most people can pick up on the message,
Oh she wants more, she wants to be included, and
sometimes it gets a better response.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I used to be that girl who would secretly have
FOMO and just never confront people about it, and I
think it I think social media makes it harder because
I mean, just being honest, I still experience it from
time to time whenever friends get together and I don't
get included or they're going on a trip. I mean,
it's just right there in your face. With social media.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
Oh, totally from like a sociological aspect, I'm looking around
to see what are the norms. I'm trying to gauge
in my own track. So sometimes we have to check ourselves,
maybe especially with social media. Go outside and touch some grass,
right to like recalibrate.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
We say touch grass almost every episode on the right side,
Like you're feeling depressed, go touch grass, you're hungry, go
touch grass.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Don't do it if you're allergic to grass.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
We really do believe in the touching grass method of
coping here at the bright side. But that raises a
really great point. How do you know when it's time
to touch grass and let it slip or bring up
something that's been bothering you.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Yeah, that's a great question because it's hard to know. Okay,
is it in my head? Am I just being overly sensitive?
The first thing I'd like to encourage people to look
at is what is it costing you? Because every decision
you make is costing you something. So if you've decided, Okay,
I'm gonna be silent and say nothing, are you growing
and resentment becoming passive aggressive? Are you withdrawing? It's going
(18:23):
to cost you something. So how's that been working out
for you? And also, has your friend been kind of
like receptive to feedback in the past, if she's normally
been open to it, those are some signals that she's
developed over the course of your friendship of oh, you
can share here, you're safe to let me know because
the right people they want that data on how to
love you. Well, so if I'm telling you, hey, when
(18:44):
you do this thing, I don't know, it feels kind
of icky. The right people are relieved that you gave
them information that they're doing something that makes you feel unsafe.
And so I think some of us are reluctant to
lean into that because we don't know how it will go.
But we have to keep in mind that with the
right people, it's always worth it.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Do you think it's even if it's the wrong person,
it's worth it. Like, I've always been of the mindset
that you have to do what feels right for you,
and how someone receives your apology or your words is
kind of up to them.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
Yeah, oh totally. I can say, you know what, I
don't feel good sitting on this. I have to express myself.
I have to be honest and the perfect world it's
received well, but if not, it's a bummer that she
didn't take it well. But I can at least be
proud of myself for speaking up authentically and honestly, and again, ideally,
hopefully the right people receive it well, and if not,
(19:36):
it's nothing to regret because you're maintaining sen sence of integrity.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I have one friend that comes to mind. This is
really heartbreaking, but she says she doesn't want to hang
out with me because she doesn't always want to feel
like the friend who doesn't have it together, Like she's
tired of feeling like a friend who's struggling. And I
was really really tough to hear because she's someone that
(20:00):
I've been friends with for a really long time, and
it makes me wonder am I not showing up for
her enough? But I check in with her a lot
because I know that she's struggling, and I'm just like, hey, girl,
how are you just checking in sending a lifeline. So
I don't know that's tough. That is tough.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
I feel like it's also a reminder of just how
much of our personal stuff we bring to friendships, Like,
even if a friend is supportive, affirming, encouraging, I still
got to work through my own blocks, mindset, sense of worthiness.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
So last time you were here, you mentioned that it
takes work to build an authentic connection with a friend,
and you've actually developed a practice called a door to
help with that. Can you talk us through what that means? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (20:43):
So I like to argue that dealing with conflict should
start way before you have one, right, So we should
be creating an environment where people feel safe to speak up.
You can be vulnerable here, and we've developed some strong
things so that when we do have these with attension,
it kind of acts as a buffer and absorbs some
of that. And so there are practices we could be
(21:04):
doing all of the time to keep those friendships strong.
So the adore practice is just like a nice acronym
to help us remember what can I tangibly do every day,
every week to keep this strong. So the A stands
for appreciation, which I know sounds super simple, but the
research finds that the people we often say thank you
to the least is the people we're closest to, because
(21:25):
we assume you ought to know that's obvious, but they
need to hear I appreciate you. The D stands for desire.
How do we express platonic desire? Inviting you out, sending
you texts, initiating How do I show my friends I
want you and you are top of mind for me?
The O stands for openness, so this is like vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Are you open?
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Do you share? Especially for women because self disclosure is
the glue of women's friendships. The R stands for liability,
which includes like trust, How do I show you you
can count on me? I got you, I remembered those
things you said last week. I'm following up. You can
count on me? And finally E stands for experiences. You
need shared experiences. And it's really hard to get around
(22:10):
the role that spending time together plays and deepening a friendship.
So if you're ever finding yourself stuck on oh, I
want to be a better friend, I just don't know
what to do, these are some directions to help us
get started.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Desire is a word that I tend to associate with
romantic relationships. Why is it important for us to feel
desired in our friendships too, you.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Know, because I think feeling wanted and feeling like we
belong as a basic human need. But I just think
we take a lot of things for granted. And we
mentioned earlier kind of at the top of the show
about how friendships can be so ambiguous, so I think,
if anything, they need that reassurance most so, how do
I show my friends, Man, I really missed you this weekend,
(22:53):
or we missed you at the party. You totally should
have been there. It's not the same without you. These
things show I want you. I don't have an attitude
of like I can take or leave you. This shows
I actively desire your company, I desire to have you
in my life. And sometimes you just have to make
it plain.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
I think resentment builds up in any relationship, especially if
you let it ste for too long. What do you
think about bringing up old fights?
Speaker 4 (23:21):
Like?
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Can you still bring up something you're resentful about years later?
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Do you need to get over it?
Speaker 4 (23:26):
You know, I know it's different situation a situation. I'll
say two things. The first is, I do think you
have to determine how much of your resentment is your
stuff and how much is her stuff? Because sometimes we
put our stuff on our front and it's like you
need to move on, or that's things because that's a
you thing. There's nothing I can do about that. But
there are times when it's like, man, I never got
that apology. I don't have reassurance that she even cares,
(23:48):
and it's always this lingering question and it gets in
the way of our closeness. If you've determined that it's
a her thing and not a you thing. I think
it's totally okay to say, Hey, I know this is
totally random and this is from so long ago, but
something that continues to bother me is what happens in
twenty seventeen. And I hope I don't come across as petty,
(24:11):
but I have noticed that it's something that keeps me
from like connecting with you, and I just wanted to
ask you about it. And again, hopefully friends are willing
to entertain that because they don't want those kinds of
things to get in the way, and it might be
an opportunity for them to provide the clarity you need
to kind of have some peace.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I love that clarity leads to peace.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Okay, I think now's a good time to take a
quick little break, and when we come back, let's hear
some questions from our bright side besties.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Stay with us. We're back with author and friendship coach
Danielle Bayer Jackson. So we've all been talking about conflict.
Let's get real about yours. We've got some real live
listener questions. Our first is from Sydney in sho She says,
(25:01):
I've had a friend I've known for a few years now.
She's someone I met through work but then developed a
pretty close relationship to. We're both scorpios and get along
really well. We're now in our thirties and I feel
like we're in more of an EBB stage rather than
a flow. She's been going through a lot personally, and
I know she's been working through how to deal with everything.
Not to mention, she's also unhappy at her job. She's
(25:24):
always been someone to unload her baggage on her friends,
but lately it's been a little much. She hates her
job and talks about the same repeat offenses all the time.
And we're in the same industry, so she feels like
I'm a good ear, How do I go about telling
her I can't handle hearing her rants anymore without being unsupportive?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Okay. The reason why this is so tough is because
the research tells us that the number one thing women
look for and their same sex friendships is emotional support.
So I think, kind of, in the back of our minds,
we know that if we are seen as unsupportive, it
might spell the end of the friendship, because that's what
women expect. But I also know that second hand stress
(26:04):
is a very real thing and that a friend continually
bringing you the same things can really physically be detrimental
to you. So the next time your friend brings you something,
it's totally okay to shift the conversation without being dismissive.
So that might look like hearing her out for the
hundredth time and saying things like, oh man, this is
(26:25):
really hard because I feel torn. On one hand, I'm
seeing you so upset and that makes me upset. But
on the other hands, I feel like, you know, we've
been talking about it a lot, and maybe kind of
staying in this state, do you want to like think
through things to kind of solve the problem, because I
hate seeing what it does to you, and honestly, I
don't know what I can do to help at this point.
I call that telegraphing your dilemma. I'm going to tell
(26:47):
you why I'm stuck in the middle. I hate seeing
you like this, but I also want to kind of
like get us out of this girl. What can we do?
And it's not dismissive, but also showing up for your
friend doesn't equal I have to end door every tie
rade on this six month long roller coaster. There has
to be able to be some room for both.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Okay, next step, we have Brittany from Portland. Brittany says,
I have a friend in my life who I have
absolutely adored. Almost since we first met. We developed a
really strong connection, almost like having an immediate chemistry with
a crush. She and I would talk almost every day,
even though I was usually the one reaching out to
start the conversation. She's always been pretty receptive to our
(27:28):
communication style, but it definitely does not match my own.
I'm constantly wanting to talk to her and to see her,
but she doesn't always make me feel like that's how
she feels too. Lately, it's feeling like this is pretty
one sided, but she's not communicating anything directly. I'm not
trying to force the friendship, but it feels like she's
telling me with her actions that I'm too much.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
How should I move forward?
Speaker 4 (27:50):
Yeah, that's a common one I hear is about not
feeling like things are reciprocal, or the fear of being
too much. I think that's deep within a lot of us, right.
We don't want that confirmed. If you're suspecting that a
friend might be overwhelmed by you, or disinterested or not
as invested despite multiple attempts to reach out, it's totally
okay to say, hey, you know, I know I've reached
(28:12):
out the last couple of times to go to brunch
and to get together, but the last thing I want
to do is overwhelm you. So let me know when
you're open to meeting up. I would love to connect now.
I know that can feel like giving your power away,
or people say putting the ball in her core. But
if you have made multiple attempts to get together and
this person's not meeting you there and they're not negotiating
with you, like the friends who are saying I can't
(28:34):
meet you here, but here's what I can do. I'm
looking for that the friend who's putting you off or
consistently unavailable. Kind of like what we said earlier, you
might have love for her, but at the end of
the day, your friendship goals might not be compatible.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
I think that love bombing exists in platonic friendships too,
where things are just too strong, too fast at the
beginning of a friendship, and I think that that can
kind of set things off on the wrong path.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Oh, one hundred perc Like, fast friends, especially with women,
is very much a thing where the chemistry is high,
the flow of conversation is high, you're sharing things, you
feel seen, the energy is high. I mean that is
a very real thing, and you're absolutely right that it
can kind of set the tone of like, oh, this
is our pace, this is the norm, this is what
we do. So is it possible they have a person
burned out? Or is it possible that they were just
(29:20):
kind of like in it for a moment but then
over it. One hundred percent possible. I always lean to
the fact that we could speculate all day as to
why this person is kind of like faded out. All
we can operate with is what we can control. If
you feel foolish having reached out eighty five times, and
you're like, Okay, I'm gonna let her know, no hard feelings,
but also I can't do this anymore and wait and
(29:43):
wonder and be anxious. Hopefully she can relieve you of
that by offering assurance, but if she can't, it's time
to move on with people who are a little more reciprocal.
You can't be the thirsty friend. You just can't.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Nobody likes a thirsty friend.
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Well, I actually think about it as compatibility. I think
about dating as compatibility too, unless as chemistry, because like,
if somebody is not feeling you, you have to just
say thank you, because down the line, something else is
going to pop up with them because they're feeling something
that's incompatible that you're not feeling yet.
Speaker 4 (30:13):
Yeah, yeah, that's so good. And yeah, a lot of
it is subjective, right, because you might think, oh, gosh,
she's too much and for somebody else for like, she's
just right, you know. So I always say, you know,
it's all subjective, but also to keep your ear open
to themes and the feedback you received. But if my
mother and my boyfriends and my friends have all said, hey,
(30:33):
that's a lot at some point, I do have to say, Okay, well,
how why might they be experiencing me that way? So
if I'm hearing a theme of feedback that hey, I'm
feeling kind of overwhelmed by that, I have to determine, oh,
that might be an inside jab.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Self awareness is essential for happiness and contempting. Y'all all right?
Last question for today comes from Casey from Houston. Here
we go. My friend is constantly seeking out relationships. If
she's not in a relationship, she's got a crush. If
it's not a crush, it's like a one night stand.
She's always got some romantic situation she wants to talk about,
(31:08):
but it's usually the same issue. She's looking for this
ideal person but hasn't found the one yet. She recently
just got back into a relationship with someone she claims
is the love of her life. Their long distance and
not much has changed in their relationship, but they're still
trying again. She's recently gone through some major personal struggles
that I feel make her need to be connected to
(31:29):
someone even more. I really want her to be happy,
but I don't think I want to be the one
that she bounces all her boyfriend issues off of So
how do I politely wish her well but also ask
not to be consulted anymore. I did this with a friend.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
How did your friends? What did they say to you? Well,
I don't like to be overt.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I like to be more like covert.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I said, I love you so much, and I really
feel like you're in so much pain, and it's more
pain than I even know how to help be with.
Here's the number to a therapist I've worked with in
the past. I feel like she could be really helpful,
and then I just stopped answering calls as much because
I really didn't have bandwidth for it.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I can also relate to this. I have been the
proxy therapist for friends more times than I like to count,
and I'm like, listen, I am so underqualified for this
right now. I need you to go outsource this because
I can't help you.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
You know what I love about that response, though so much,
is there's like a little bit of playfulness. But I
also just told you my limit. And sometimes we're so
serious all the time. I think to say, like, girl, okay,
I want to support you ideal, but this is like
out of my scope, Like I really cannot help you.
And I feel bad about it, but at this point
I think talking to insert person here might be more helpful.
(32:47):
And I know even this is tricky because I know
sometimes friends are like, no, no, I'm not looking for advice.
I just like want to like that, you know, And
I think it's totally okay to say, like, hey, I'm
with you, but we've seen this before. The last thing
I wanted for you to think, I'm not being supportive
but a nervous that he's going to take you down
the same path as before, and that's gonna be hard
for me to watch. So are you okay with my
support just looking like xyz? That weighs less of a
(33:09):
question of whether or not I'm supporting you. I'm letting
you know what my support's about to look like, and
so that kind of frames I'm still here for you,
but unfortunately it's gonna look like this for me. And
that is boundaries.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
That's really beautiful.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
The B word we all love. Danielle. You touched on
a goofy girl hypothesis that I have, and that is
that laughter and levity are sometimes the best tools to
navigate conflict and friendship. Is there any truth to that?
Like just being like, hey, let's take a step back.
I know things got a little tense. Let's find the
(33:41):
humor in this. Let's try to laugh it off and
realize it's not that deep.
Speaker 4 (33:45):
I think that's my personal way of handling conflict, too,
is to be like, okay, girl, we this is I
don't know what you met last night by what you said.
Now help me out now, because I'm trying to understand,
you know, like some level of playfulness, because I think
sometimes we're so reluctant to even have the conversations because
in our brain we picture it as the formal sit down.
We're about to read off a sheet of paper all
(34:07):
our new boundaries, and that is scary. So to kind
of draw from the playfulness that's always sustained this friendship,
we can kind of have tough conversations in this space
in this way as well. It's consistent with our friendships.
But I think sometimes that can add a lightness that
makes it easier to digest.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
What's the silliest disagreement you've ever had with a friend?
Speaker 4 (34:28):
I don't know. I think she listens. I think she
listens to the podcast, and I don't know if she
thinks it was silly, okay, but I'll say that we
got through it. I think we can kind of laugh now.
I can laugh now. I think she's catching up. Can
we get any more details?
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Code names, anything, code places, code instances.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Oh, she's not putting her friend up blast.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
I am an investigative journalist, Dan Yelle put some respects
on my.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Way now, a friendship expert. She knows our boundaries.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
I'll say this.
Speaker 4 (34:56):
I'll say a recent silly one that I think got
kind of tense was we were analyzing Love as Blind
via text and we were going back and forth and
I gave an analysis of what I thought was wrong
with one of the couples, and I think she got
offended by it. She like was kind of being short
in the stop texting. And then we talked later and
it turned out she was offended. I'm like, these people
(35:18):
are not our life.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
No, no, like that's a her problem.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
So that was like a silly thing that she genuinely
got offended for. But you know, it is what it is.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Did you determine that to be a her problem or
did you take accountability?
Speaker 4 (35:32):
I think that was her problem. I don't think I
said anything wrong. I think that was my analysis of
the cast members of Love Is Blind, and I think
I was absolutely right, you know, and she'll see.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
That one day, not Love Is Blind being a homewrecker.
This is just cracking me up.
Speaker 3 (35:48):
Danielle, thank you so much for coming back to the
bright Side. We're just so lucky to have you. We
have so much fun when you're here.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I mean, the
conversation is so important, so think you all for facilitating
a moment to chat this through.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Thank you so much, Danielle.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Danielle Buyer Jackson is a friendship coach, podcast host, and
author of the upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, out
May seventh. You can find it wherever you buy your books,
especially our favorite local bookstores.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Big shout out to Sydney, Brittany and Casey for opening
up and sharing your questions with us. Let us know
how it all goes, and we'll be back with more
asking for our friend soon. So send your friendship questions
our way. Our email address is hello at the brightsidepodcast
dot com. I always love whenever she comes on the show.
(36:47):
I learned so much and I feel like we're always
just brimming with questions like we can't. Yeah, we can't
keep them inside.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
They'll never be enough.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
And we also have so many opinions. I just keep thinking,
like fight, fight, fight, like. I love the idea of
fighting for friendships in a healthy way because we think
of conflict as harmful, but it's actually helpful.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
You know what stuck out to me this time was
that dynamic of her stuff versus your stuff. Like, if
you just pass everything through that filter every time you're
going through a conflict, it's a really great way to
remain self aware.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Here's the problem.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Sometimes you think it's her stuff and it's your stuff,
or vice versa.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
That's why you need to be more self aware.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I think that's why you need a friendship coach.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Well, we know one. You're in luck.
Speaker 3 (37:37):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're getting the Tea
on the met Gala. Is it Gala or Gala? I
don't know TVD, but we're getting the tea on it
with Internet personality and pop culture anthropologist blakely Thornton.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Subscribe and listen to the bright Side on the iHeartRadio
app or wherever else you get your podcasts. I'm Simone
Boyce and you can find me on Instagram and TikTok
at Simone Boye.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
I'm Danielle Robe.
Speaker 3 (38:03):
You can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Danielle
Robe R O B A Y.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
We'll see you tomorrow
Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey fam Today on the bright Side, we're back with
another edition of Asking for a Friend. Friendship coach Danielle
Buyer Jackson is here to talk all about healthy conflict
and friendships. Plus she answers some of your questions. It's Thursday,
May second. I'm Simone Boyce, I'm.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Danielle robe and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine. Okay,
speaking of friends, I need to defriend you. Why I
can't take any more of these health food experiments.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I can't not you too, Okay for anyone who doesn't know,
I have this thing where I try to recreate these
healthy food recipes that I see on like Pinterest. I
try to recreate them at home, and they've been a
little bit out of control lately. Like I tried making
a empanada, which is a a street that has meat inside,
(00:55):
but I made the crust with plantain, served it to
my husband. He hated. He thought it was terrible.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Your kids taste test any of this, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
They don't like any of it either. I'm the only
one who eats it. And then I tried to chicken crust,
pizza chicken crust.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Yes, this is what you sent me A photo of
this is where I felt ill.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So the crust is made from chicken, egg and parmesan cheese.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
My mom is gonna love this.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
It's like a high protein pizza crust that doesn't taste
anything like pizza crust.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Well, I know you're on your workout thirty day plans,
So is this why you made this so you can
just be eating protein?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yes, I'm a little protein crazed at the moment.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
What does Michael do when you feed in these for
dinner and then he can't eat it?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Bless his heart. He's so kind. He's such a kind man.
He tries to be really polite. Like the other day
when I was like, Hey, I'm gonna try making those
empanadas again. I'm really going to try to perfect the
recipe tonight. This is my second try at it. He
was like, oh, cool, do you mind just like leaving
me some of the meat on the side, Like I
really love the meat filling that you made. And I
(01:58):
was like, you can just say you hate it, and
he's like, okay, well yeah it wasn't my favorite.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
There's this great book called Nonviolent Communication. Yes, I feel
like Michael is practiced at that because I would have
been like, uh, I'm.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Going to order Chinese food, but I'm good, thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
He's an envyck. He's a non violent communication king. Oh wait,
can we call out your on hinge behavior?
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Though?
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Why what did I do?
Speaker 2 (02:24):
In my Instagram dns? This morning, Danielle sends me a
video of a woman sewing an air tag inside her
husband's shoe, and Danielle's like, yeah, that's something I would do.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
I can't end up having. Okay, first of all, it
is something I would do. Maybe I don't know. I
don't trust men. I had this really bad boyfriend five
years ago. I used to be securely attached, like I
believed everybody. I was this nice Midwest girl from Chicago
who came to LA and took everybody at face value.
And then I dated this guy that was so brutal,
(02:56):
Like I hate that. I don't trust people because of him.
But it really shifted things. So now I'm sewing air
tags into shoes, I'm using ring cameras like I do
not put anything past men.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Oh my gosh. Well, if you're trying to date Danielle
to the two percent of our audience that is mail,
just make sure you have like an air tag detector
or something at home so that you cannot check those shoes.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yeah, or just like overly text me and tell me
where you are. Maybe I need to share a location.
That gets crazy. Actually, I don't know. It's tough with
the sharing. My parents have my location, my friends, and
my friends share their location with other friends. My friend's like, yeah,
I have twenty friends on here. I'm just tracking them all. Oh,
so and so is going to the store. And I'm like, what,
this is so much, it's too much. I also, you know,
(03:43):
I love to be at home on the couch, so
I can't have my friends track my location because it's
always there.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
There's always home, be a blinking dot in the same spot.
Just wouldn't move exactly.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
Sometimes I get texts from my parents like why aren't
you out on a Saturday night?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Are you alive?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Well, from unhinged to undefeated, we have some good news.
You want to shout out a team of girls that
are making us all so proud. There's a girl's under
twelve football team in the UK, which really means soccer
here in the US, and they won the championship.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
In the Boys League.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
So badass they earned the title Invincibles because of it.
But they went undefeated all season. And here's the best part.
They were met with some resistance from the league bosses,
who told them after winning like eighteen games that they
had to play in the all girls competition. And the
team's manager, Toby Green, stepped in and convinced everyone that
(04:42):
his team of girls was skilled enough to play in
the league. And then they won it all.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
They got the w WE stand Toby. Toby is such
an ally to the community, totally.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Toby is with us.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Toby is with us all the way. First of all, girls,
you just you go, you the damn thing. I hope
that Hello Sunshine makes a movie out of this. This
is movie material all the way. And thirdly, can we
get the girls or Toby on the show. We have
to get them on the bright side. Oh yes, this
is iconic.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
We have to give them their flowers.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
We have to. I'm just so happy for them. I
hope they feel so proud of themselves. This is such
a huge achievement.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I feel like this is going to set them up
for the rest of their life too. You know, you
have like defining moments as a kid, and like gosh,
should be like, I can beat the boys, or I
can be in this league. I can compete just like
right next to the guys and do the thing the way.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
They can walk into a dinner party when they're older
and be like, yeah, I was on an undefeated all
girls team that played in the boys league.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
They're gonna have the best. Two truths are a lie?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Oh totally yeah. We love celebrating women's wins. Here on
the bright side, and we have some exciting news for
all of our Reese's book Club besties out there, Danielle,
the may RBC pick is officially here. Let me get
to announce it on the show today. Mmm mmmm So,
without further ado, the may Reese's Book Club pick is
(06:07):
drumroll please, How to End a Love Story by Yuleen Kwang.
I cannot wait to crack into this one, y'all. This
looks like the perfect beat read. It has fun, romantic
summer vibes. This book is Yuleen Quang's debut novel, and
it follows and Enemy's to Lovers narrative. Okay you following?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Oh like mister and missus Smith, it sounds like Enemies
to Lovers that.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
But with writers. Okay, so it's about two writers who
have a shared and complicated history. One of the characters, Helen,
is a best selling author, and then Grant is a screenwriter.
And then somehow they both end up in the writer's
room of the exact same TV show, and then of
course drama ensues. If you want to find out how
their love story ends and actually where it begins, you'll
(06:51):
have to read the book along with us. Please do
we want you to be part of this?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
First of all, this sounds so good, but also I
keep laughing because I'm like, this will never happen for me.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
I work in all women's spaces.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I'm never gonna meet my enemy turned lover at work.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, you'll have to penetrate a male dominated industry. Daniel
Julien Quang is also actually a screenwriter and director. She's
worked on shows like the CW's I Ship It and
Hulu's Dolphace. So yes, we love a multi hyphenit creative. Okay,
this is hilarious fun fact about this author. She was
once fired from a Hallmark movie for being too hip
(07:29):
for Hallmark. That is a badge of honor, Queen.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Totally too hip for Hallmark. I I'm incredible.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I'm envious of that firing, like I want that on
my resume.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
That's also a good two truths, sir Lie.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
All right, I know there are some Emily Henry fans
out there. Euleen Quang is also the adapting screenwriter of
Emily Henry's People We Meet on Vacation, and she's also
that book.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah, I haven't read it, but I mean it's such
a fun read.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Juleen is also the writer director of the forthcoming Beat
Read film, which makes sense because this sounds like the
perfect beat reade. We had a really great conversation with
Claire Lombardo, who was the author of April's RBC pick,
the most fun we ever had. I got some wonderful
messages from listeners about that episode. They loved hearing Claire read.
(08:17):
So that's something that we're gonna have to do is
get you Leen to read a passage from her book.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
And Claire gave us the tea she really did.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Yeah, that's the best part of having we get these
authors on first. Yes, they go through the rumor mill
online and talk to us about it.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I know, we're so lucky. So Julien Kwang will be
on The bright Side at the end of May to
talk about her novel How to End a Love Story,
So grab your copy now and send us your questions
to Hello at the Bridside podcast dot com.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Simon and I cannot wait to read this one. But
if you want to read along with us, Reese's book
Club is offering a Spring gift of reading box. Obviously,
How to End a Love Story is in it, and
it's there alongside some really fun, handpicked goodies. We did
it on boxing on Instagram if you want to see
everything in there. But these are limited edition boxes for
RBC fans, so we wanted to let you know about
(09:06):
them first and you can order them at shop dot
Reese's book Club dot com. Simone is a favorite product
in there. I loved the RBC tote bag that says
booked and busy.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
It's so cute. It's really cute, so clever.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
And then I'm a lip tint lipoil, lip gloss lip
balm girl and they had Merits tinted lipoil in there,
which was it was a great color.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So pretty. I have to say I love the brass bookmark.
It feels like you're taking a lap of luxury if
you're someone who typically dog ears your book pages like
I do. I mean, I feel like I jumped several
tax brackets by just using this brass bookmark. It's truly
incredible and life changing.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It really is. It's thin and it's thick, and it's fabulous.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
It's weighted. You slide it in there like butta, It's
just the best. Oh. Also shout out to Shuga FINA's
Riptide Raspberries Gummies lack of gummies.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Talk about luxury.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
If you're curious about what else is inside. Danielle and
I posted a video where we are unboxing the whole thing,
so check it out. I'm at Simone Boys on Instagram and.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I'm at Danielle robe RBA. Y.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
All right, Well up next, Danielle Bayer Jackson is here
to talk through friendship problems.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
But don't worry, we also got solutions for you. You
don't want to miss.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
This, Danielle, We are back with another edition of Asking
for a Friend. Hey, if you're new to the show,
Asking for a Friend is The Brightside's take on a
friendship advice column, where we bring in an expert to
(10:48):
answer our and your friendship dilemmas. Because even though we
love our girls to death. Joyful relationships take work, y'all.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Yeah, they do, and it's not a bad thing. Danielle
Buyer Jackson is here to tell tell us how to
do the work. Danielle is a friendship coach, the host
of the Friendship Forward podcast, and the author of the
upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, which is out next week.
So ahead of her book launch, Danielle is back on
the show to share her friendship philosophy and show us
(11:17):
how healthy conflict is the real key to making our
friendships deeper, stronger, and more fulfilling. So, Danielle Buyer Jackson,
Welcome to the bright Side and a huge congratulations on
the book.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Welcome, Danielle.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
I'm so glad to be back. Thank you so much
for having me. Everybody's been so supportive, and I'm really
excited to dig into some hot topics with you all
today because it's always a good time.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They're extra spicy today because we feel like we know
you no, So get ready.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
This is a no holds barred interview. Now, Danielle, do
you ever still struggle with friendship problems or have you
reached full friendship enlightenment?
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Could you imagine if I was like, oh, I totally
reached full of mind.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I would believe you. I would take you at facetyl
you and I would believe you. Oh no, no, no.
I am a woman out in the world.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
With her own complexes and ego stuff and sensitivities, and
I'm out here figuring it out too. I think doing
this work has made me bolder and we're courageous in friendship.
But I'm still working out my stuff too, and I'm
grateful to have women who are very patient with me.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Danielle. In your book, you write about how disagreements can
be productive and the ways they can bring us closer together.
We're used to working through conflict and family and romantic relationships,
but in friendships it often feels like a deal breaker.
Why is that?
Speaker 4 (12:37):
I think for a lot of us, we have been
raised with the anticipation of conflict in every other context.
We know we're going to get into it with our boo,
and we just know we're gonna have to work through
it right with our family and even at work we
have performance reviews, like we have these touch point moments
to talk about how are things going. But for some reason,
with friendship, we subscribe to the idea that like easy
(13:01):
and organic, so that when there is conflict we take
it as evidence that we must not be as close
as I thought. But we can reframe conflict is an
opportunity to meet a need or solve a problem. Don't
we think that as two people bringing different interests boundaries
needs to the table. At some point they're going to
clash and we have to work through it. So we've
(13:22):
got to make room to anticipate the same kind of tensions.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
You write about the differences in how men and women
respond to conflict and friendships. Can you say more about that?
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Yeah, I know it sometimes seems like I'm generalizing here,
but I report what the research has to say. And
one of the differences between men and women is for men,
they seem to have fewer social consequences for being perceived
as quote unquote difficult. So it's nothing to call their
friends out of his name, or to punch him in
the face, or to be like, bro, what you did
(13:54):
last night was not cool and not have a feel
like a threat to the relationship. But for women, we
know that there will be social consequences to being perceived
as drama, to being perceived as difficult. We are constantly
managing our appearance of looking cooperative, and so we just
continue to be silent because we are often praised for
(14:17):
being cooperative and we don't want to rock the book.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I really want to touch on these mismatched expectations because
I've personally experienced a lot of tension come up around weddings, birthdays,
special occasions where there are expectations that aren't being met.
What does setting expectations in friendship even look like?
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Oh, that's good.
Speaker 4 (14:38):
Yeah, it's tricky from the onset because friendship is the
most ambiguous relationship we have. With a romantic partner, we
know the predetermined life expectations, right with kids with your mother,
we know how this works. But with friendship, it's like,
are we ranking each other the same in closeness? Do
you expect me to invite you? Or would that be clany?
There's so much ambiguity, so you want to reduce the
(15:00):
ambiguity as much as you can. If anything, it's more
urgent for you to do it in friendship because we
are kind of negotiating it as we go along.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I think you're really hitting on something here, because we
all know what these expectations look like with.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Our moms, our partners, even at work.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
We kind of know what these expectations look like, but
I'm actually not sure I understand what they look like
around friendship because they look different for me than maybe
my friend.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Mm hmm. Well that's the thing. I think you hit
on it, Danielle. It's Danielle. I'm gonna call you Robe
for the sake of this conversation. I think you hit
on it. Robe. The expectations vary from friendship to friendship,
so that's where we can butt up against those feelings
of resentment if those expectations aren't met.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Yeah, So I think just kind of bridging the gap
during organic opportunities is really helpful. So, for example, if
you have a friend who doesn't call and check in
and you're like, I feel like that's basic, how do
I kind of let her know that without it feeling
like an accusation that that's kind of what I expect
and friendships, So even saying like, hey, I really love
our check ins, like it's so much fun and I
(16:06):
wish we could do it kind of like more often.
Are you down for like a Friday morning catchup every week?
But I'm letting you know, this feels normal to me,
This feels good to me. Are you open to meeting
me here? And I think many of us would be
surprised that most times they are.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Part of what I like about your work is you
never suggest punishment, So you don't call somebody and say like, hey,
I'm really bummed you're not doing X, Y and Z.
You're saying, hey, I'd really like to chat more like.
It's more of an ad on instead of a takeaway.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
You know, it's because we want people to respond well,
and at the heart of it, it is I miss you,
I desire more of you. The average person doesn't really
respond well to the other approach, right, somebody being like, oh,
you didn't invite me. Oh, I guess you can't call me.
Most people aren't responding that. So to say like, oh, man,
I would have loved to join you next time you go,
you know, think of me like I would love to come.
(16:57):
You know, most people can pick up on the message,
Oh she wants more, she wants to be included, and
sometimes it gets a better response.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I used to be that girl who would secretly have
FOMO and just never confront people about it, and I
think it I think social media makes it harder because
I mean, just being honest, I still experience it from
time to time whenever friends get together and I don't
get included or they're going on a trip. I mean,
it's just right there in your face. With social media.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
Oh, totally from like a sociological aspect, I'm looking around
to see what are the norms. I'm trying to gauge
in my own track. So sometimes we have to check ourselves,
maybe especially with social media. Go outside and touch some grass,
right to like recalibrate.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
We say touch grass almost every episode on the right side,
Like you're feeling depressed, go touch grass, you're hungry, go
touch grass.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Don't do it if you're allergic to grass.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
We really do believe in the touching grass method of
coping here at the bright side. But that raises a
really great point. How do you know when it's time
to touch grass and let it slip or bring up
something that's been bothering you.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Yeah, that's a great question because it's hard to know. Okay,
is it in my head? Am I just being overly sensitive?
The first thing I'd like to encourage people to look
at is what is it costing you? Because every decision
you make is costing you something. So if you've decided, Okay,
I'm gonna be silent and say nothing, are you growing
and resentment becoming passive aggressive? Are you withdrawing? It's going
(18:23):
to cost you something. So how's that been working out
for you? And also, has your friend been kind of
like receptive to feedback in the past, if she's normally
been open to it, those are some signals that she's
developed over the course of your friendship of oh, you
can share here, you're safe to let me know because
the right people they want that data on how to
love you. Well, so if I'm telling you, hey, when
(18:44):
you do this thing, I don't know, it feels kind
of icky. The right people are relieved that you gave
them information that they're doing something that makes you feel unsafe.
And so I think some of us are reluctant to
lean into that because we don't know how it will go.
But we have to keep in mind that with the
right people, it's always worth it.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Do you think it's even if it's the wrong person,
it's worth it. Like, I've always been of the mindset
that you have to do what feels right for you,
and how someone receives your apology or your words is
kind of up to them.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
Yeah, oh totally. I can say, you know what, I
don't feel good sitting on this. I have to express myself.
I have to be honest and the perfect world it's
received well, but if not, it's a bummer that she
didn't take it well. But I can at least be
proud of myself for speaking up authentically and honestly, and again, ideally,
hopefully the right people receive it well, and if not,
(19:36):
it's nothing to regret because you're maintaining sen sence of integrity.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I have one friend that comes to mind. This is
really heartbreaking, but she says she doesn't want to hang
out with me because she doesn't always want to feel
like the friend who doesn't have it together, Like she's
tired of feeling like a friend who's struggling. And I
was really really tough to hear because she's someone that
(20:00):
I've been friends with for a really long time, and
it makes me wonder am I not showing up for
her enough? But I check in with her a lot
because I know that she's struggling, and I'm just like, hey, girl,
how are you just checking in sending a lifeline. So
I don't know that's tough. That is tough.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
I feel like it's also a reminder of just how
much of our personal stuff we bring to friendships, Like,
even if a friend is supportive, affirming, encouraging, I still
got to work through my own blocks, mindset, sense of worthiness.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
So last time you were here, you mentioned that it
takes work to build an authentic connection with a friend,
and you've actually developed a practice called a door to
help with that. Can you talk us through what that means? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (20:43):
So I like to argue that dealing with conflict should
start way before you have one, right, So we should
be creating an environment where people feel safe to speak up.
You can be vulnerable here, and we've developed some strong
things so that when we do have these with attension,
it kind of acts as a buffer and absorbs some
of that. And so there are practices we could be
(21:04):
doing all of the time to keep those friendships strong.
So the adore practice is just like a nice acronym
to help us remember what can I tangibly do every day,
every week to keep this strong. So the A stands
for appreciation, which I know sounds super simple, but the
research finds that the people we often say thank you
to the least is the people we're closest to, because
(21:25):
we assume you ought to know that's obvious, but they
need to hear I appreciate you. The D stands for desire.
How do we express platonic desire? Inviting you out, sending
you texts, initiating How do I show my friends I
want you and you are top of mind for me?
The O stands for openness, so this is like vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Are you open?
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Do you share? Especially for women because self disclosure is
the glue of women's friendships. The R stands for liability,
which includes like trust, How do I show you you
can count on me? I got you, I remembered those
things you said last week. I'm following up. You can
count on me? And finally E stands for experiences. You
need shared experiences. And it's really hard to get around
(22:10):
the role that spending time together plays and deepening a friendship.
So if you're ever finding yourself stuck on oh, I
want to be a better friend, I just don't know
what to do, these are some directions to help us
get started.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Desire is a word that I tend to associate with
romantic relationships. Why is it important for us to feel
desired in our friendships too, you.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Know, because I think feeling wanted and feeling like we
belong as a basic human need. But I just think
we take a lot of things for granted. And we
mentioned earlier kind of at the top of the show
about how friendships can be so ambiguous, so I think,
if anything, they need that reassurance most so, how do
I show my friends, Man, I really missed you this weekend,
(22:53):
or we missed you at the party. You totally should
have been there. It's not the same without you. These
things show I want you. I don't have an attitude
of like I can take or leave you. This shows
I actively desire your company, I desire to have you
in my life. And sometimes you just have to make
it plain.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
I think resentment builds up in any relationship, especially if
you let it ste for too long. What do you
think about bringing up old fights?
Speaker 4 (23:21):
Like?
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Can you still bring up something you're resentful about years later?
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Do you need to get over it?
Speaker 4 (23:26):
You know, I know it's different situation a situation. I'll
say two things. The first is, I do think you
have to determine how much of your resentment is your
stuff and how much is her stuff? Because sometimes we
put our stuff on our front and it's like you
need to move on, or that's things because that's a
you thing. There's nothing I can do about that. But
there are times when it's like, man, I never got
that apology. I don't have reassurance that she even cares,
(23:48):
and it's always this lingering question and it gets in
the way of our closeness. If you've determined that it's
a her thing and not a you thing. I think
it's totally okay to say, Hey, I know this is
totally random and this is from so long ago, but
something that continues to bother me is what happens in
twenty seventeen. And I hope I don't come across as petty,
(24:11):
but I have noticed that it's something that keeps me
from like connecting with you, and I just wanted to
ask you about it. And again, hopefully friends are willing
to entertain that because they don't want those kinds of
things to get in the way, and it might be
an opportunity for them to provide the clarity you need
to kind of have some peace.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I love that clarity leads to peace.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Okay, I think now's a good time to take a
quick little break, and when we come back, let's hear
some questions from our bright side besties.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Stay with us. We're back with author and friendship coach
Danielle Bayer Jackson. So we've all been talking about conflict.
Let's get real about yours. We've got some real live
listener questions. Our first is from Sydney in sho She says,
(25:01):
I've had a friend I've known for a few years now.
She's someone I met through work but then developed a
pretty close relationship to. We're both scorpios and get along
really well. We're now in our thirties and I feel
like we're in more of an EBB stage rather than
a flow. She's been going through a lot personally, and
I know she's been working through how to deal with everything.
Not to mention, she's also unhappy at her job. She's
(25:24):
always been someone to unload her baggage on her friends,
but lately it's been a little much. She hates her
job and talks about the same repeat offenses all the time.
And we're in the same industry, so she feels like
I'm a good ear, How do I go about telling
her I can't handle hearing her rants anymore without being unsupportive?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Okay. The reason why this is so tough is because
the research tells us that the number one thing women
look for and their same sex friendships is emotional support.
So I think, kind of, in the back of our minds,
we know that if we are seen as unsupportive, it
might spell the end of the friendship, because that's what
women expect. But I also know that second hand stress
(26:04):
is a very real thing and that a friend continually
bringing you the same things can really physically be detrimental
to you. So the next time your friend brings you something,
it's totally okay to shift the conversation without being dismissive.
So that might look like hearing her out for the
hundredth time and saying things like, oh man, this is
(26:25):
really hard because I feel torn. On one hand, I'm
seeing you so upset and that makes me upset. But
on the other hands, I feel like, you know, we've
been talking about it a lot, and maybe kind of
staying in this state, do you want to like think
through things to kind of solve the problem, because I
hate seeing what it does to you, and honestly, I
don't know what I can do to help at this point.
I call that telegraphing your dilemma. I'm going to tell
(26:47):
you why I'm stuck in the middle. I hate seeing
you like this, but I also want to kind of
like get us out of this girl. What can we do?
And it's not dismissive, but also showing up for your
friend doesn't equal I have to end door every tie
rade on this six month long roller coaster. There has
to be able to be some room for both.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Okay, next step, we have Brittany from Portland. Brittany says,
I have a friend in my life who I have
absolutely adored. Almost since we first met. We developed a
really strong connection, almost like having an immediate chemistry with
a crush. She and I would talk almost every day,
even though I was usually the one reaching out to
start the conversation. She's always been pretty receptive to our
(27:28):
communication style, but it definitely does not match my own.
I'm constantly wanting to talk to her and to see her,
but she doesn't always make me feel like that's how
she feels too. Lately, it's feeling like this is pretty
one sided, but she's not communicating anything directly. I'm not
trying to force the friendship, but it feels like she's
telling me with her actions that I'm too much.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
How should I move forward?
Speaker 4 (27:50):
Yeah, that's a common one I hear is about not
feeling like things are reciprocal, or the fear of being
too much. I think that's deep within a lot of us, right.
We don't want that confirmed. If you're suspecting that a
friend might be overwhelmed by you, or disinterested or not
as invested despite multiple attempts to reach out, it's totally
okay to say, hey, you know, I know I've reached
(28:12):
out the last couple of times to go to brunch
and to get together, but the last thing I want
to do is overwhelm you. So let me know when
you're open to meeting up. I would love to connect now.
I know that can feel like giving your power away,
or people say putting the ball in her core. But
if you have made multiple attempts to get together and
this person's not meeting you there and they're not negotiating
with you, like the friends who are saying I can't
(28:34):
meet you here, but here's what I can do. I'm
looking for that the friend who's putting you off or
consistently unavailable. Kind of like what we said earlier, you
might have love for her, but at the end of
the day, your friendship goals might not be compatible.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
I think that love bombing exists in platonic friendships too,
where things are just too strong, too fast at the
beginning of a friendship, and I think that that can
kind of set things off on the wrong path.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Oh, one hundred perc Like, fast friends, especially with women,
is very much a thing where the chemistry is high,
the flow of conversation is high, you're sharing things, you
feel seen, the energy is high. I mean that is
a very real thing, and you're absolutely right that it
can kind of set the tone of like, oh, this
is our pace, this is the norm, this is what
we do. So is it possible they have a person
burned out? Or is it possible that they were just
(29:20):
kind of like in it for a moment but then
over it. One hundred percent possible. I always lean to
the fact that we could speculate all day as to
why this person is kind of like faded out. All
we can operate with is what we can control. If
you feel foolish having reached out eighty five times, and
you're like, Okay, I'm gonna let her know, no hard feelings,
but also I can't do this anymore and wait and
(29:43):
wonder and be anxious. Hopefully she can relieve you of
that by offering assurance, but if she can't, it's time
to move on with people who are a little more reciprocal.
You can't be the thirsty friend. You just can't.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Nobody likes a thirsty friend.
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Well, I actually think about it as compatibility. I think
about dating as compatibility too, unless as chemistry, because like,
if somebody is not feeling you, you have to just
say thank you, because down the line, something else is
going to pop up with them because they're feeling something
that's incompatible that you're not feeling yet.
Speaker 4 (30:13):
Yeah, yeah, that's so good. And yeah, a lot of
it is subjective, right, because you might think, oh, gosh,
she's too much and for somebody else for like, she's
just right, you know. So I always say, you know,
it's all subjective, but also to keep your ear open
to themes and the feedback you received. But if my
mother and my boyfriends and my friends have all said, hey,
(30:33):
that's a lot at some point, I do have to say, Okay, well,
how why might they be experiencing me that way? So
if I'm hearing a theme of feedback that hey, I'm
feeling kind of overwhelmed by that, I have to determine, oh,
that might be an inside jab.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Self awareness is essential for happiness and contempting. Y'all all right?
Last question for today comes from Casey from Houston. Here
we go. My friend is constantly seeking out relationships. If
she's not in a relationship, she's got a crush. If
it's not a crush, it's like a one night stand.
She's always got some romantic situation she wants to talk about,
(31:08):
but it's usually the same issue. She's looking for this
ideal person but hasn't found the one yet. She recently
just got back into a relationship with someone she claims
is the love of her life. Their long distance and
not much has changed in their relationship, but they're still
trying again. She's recently gone through some major personal struggles
that I feel make her need to be connected to
(31:29):
someone even more. I really want her to be happy,
but I don't think I want to be the one
that she bounces all her boyfriend issues off of So
how do I politely wish her well but also ask
not to be consulted anymore. I did this with a friend.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
How did your friends? What did they say to you? Well,
I don't like to be overt.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I like to be more like covert.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I said, I love you so much, and I really
feel like you're in so much pain, and it's more
pain than I even know how to help be with.
Here's the number to a therapist I've worked with in
the past. I feel like she could be really helpful,
and then I just stopped answering calls as much because
I really didn't have bandwidth for it.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I can also relate to this. I have been the
proxy therapist for friends more times than I like to count,
and I'm like, listen, I am so underqualified for this
right now. I need you to go outsource this because
I can't help you.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
You know what I love about that response, though so much,
is there's like a little bit of playfulness. But I
also just told you my limit. And sometimes we're so
serious all the time. I think to say, like, girl, okay,
I want to support you ideal, but this is like
out of my scope, Like I really cannot help you.
And I feel bad about it, but at this point
I think talking to insert person here might be more helpful.
(32:47):
And I know even this is tricky because I know
sometimes friends are like, no, no, I'm not looking for advice.
I just like want to like that, you know, And
I think it's totally okay to say, like, hey, I'm
with you, but we've seen this before. The last thing
I wanted for you to think, I'm not being supportive
but a nervous that he's going to take you down
the same path as before, and that's gonna be hard
for me to watch. So are you okay with my
support just looking like xyz? That weighs less of a
(33:09):
question of whether or not I'm supporting you. I'm letting
you know what my support's about to look like, and
so that kind of frames I'm still here for you,
but unfortunately it's gonna look like this for me. And
that is boundaries.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
That's really beautiful.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
The B word we all love. Danielle. You touched on
a goofy girl hypothesis that I have, and that is
that laughter and levity are sometimes the best tools to
navigate conflict and friendship. Is there any truth to that?
Like just being like, hey, let's take a step back.
I know things got a little tense. Let's find the
(33:41):
humor in this. Let's try to laugh it off and
realize it's not that deep.
Speaker 4 (33:45):
I think that's my personal way of handling conflict, too,
is to be like, okay, girl, we this is I
don't know what you met last night by what you said.
Now help me out now, because I'm trying to understand,
you know, like some level of playfulness, because I think
sometimes we're so reluctant to even have the conversations because
in our brain we picture it as the formal sit down.
We're about to read off a sheet of paper all
(34:07):
our new boundaries, and that is scary. So to kind
of draw from the playfulness that's always sustained this friendship,
we can kind of have tough conversations in this space
in this way as well. It's consistent with our friendships.
But I think sometimes that can add a lightness that
makes it easier to digest.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
What's the silliest disagreement you've ever had with a friend?
Speaker 4 (34:28):
I don't know. I think she listens. I think she
listens to the podcast, and I don't know if she
thinks it was silly, okay, but I'll say that we
got through it. I think we can kind of laugh now.
I can laugh now. I think she's catching up. Can
we get any more details?
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Code names, anything, code places, code instances.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Oh, she's not putting her friend up blast.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
I am an investigative journalist, Dan Yelle put some respects
on my.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Way now, a friendship expert. She knows our boundaries.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
I'll say this.
Speaker 4 (34:56):
I'll say a recent silly one that I think got
kind of tense was we were analyzing Love as Blind
via text and we were going back and forth and
I gave an analysis of what I thought was wrong
with one of the couples, and I think she got
offended by it. She like was kind of being short
in the stop texting. And then we talked later and
it turned out she was offended. I'm like, these people
(35:18):
are not our life.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
No, no, like that's a her problem.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
So that was like a silly thing that she genuinely
got offended for. But you know, it is what it is.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Did you determine that to be a her problem or
did you take accountability?
Speaker 4 (35:32):
I think that was her problem. I don't think I
said anything wrong. I think that was my analysis of
the cast members of Love Is Blind, and I think
I was absolutely right, you know, and she'll see.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
That one day, not Love Is Blind being a homewrecker.
This is just cracking me up.
Speaker 3 (35:48):
Danielle, thank you so much for coming back to the
bright Side. We're just so lucky to have you. We
have so much fun when you're here.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I mean, the
conversation is so important, so think you all for facilitating
a moment to chat this through.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Thank you so much, Danielle.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Danielle Buyer Jackson is a friendship coach, podcast host, and
author of the upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, out
May seventh. You can find it wherever you buy your books,
especially our favorite local bookstores.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Big shout out to Sydney, Brittany and Casey for opening
up and sharing your questions with us. Let us know
how it all goes, and we'll be back with more
asking for our friend soon. So send your friendship questions
our way. Our email address is hello at the brightsidepodcast
dot com. I always love whenever she comes on the show.
(36:47):
I learned so much and I feel like we're always
just brimming with questions like we can't. Yeah, we can't
keep them inside.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
They'll never be enough.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
And we also have so many opinions. I just keep thinking,
like fight, fight, fight, like. I love the idea of
fighting for friendships in a healthy way because we think
of conflict as harmful, but it's actually helpful.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
You know what stuck out to me this time was
that dynamic of her stuff versus your stuff. Like, if
you just pass everything through that filter every time you're
going through a conflict, it's a really great way to
remain self aware.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Here's the problem.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Sometimes you think it's her stuff and it's your stuff,
or vice versa.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
That's why you need to be more self aware.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I think that's why you need a friendship coach.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Well, we know one. You're in luck.
Speaker 3 (37:37):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're getting the Tea
on the met Gala. Is it Gala or Gala? I
don't know TVD, but we're getting the tea on it
with Internet personality and pop culture anthropologist blakely Thornton.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Subscribe and listen to the bright Side on the iHeartRadio
app or wherever else you get your podcasts. I'm Simone
Boyce and you can find me on Instagram and TikTok
at Simone Boye.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
I'm Danielle Robe.
Speaker 3 (38:03):
You can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Danielle
Robe R O B A Y.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
We'll see you tomorrow
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