February 11, 2025 • 32 mins
Today we are dealing some tough love. Jillian Turecki is a relationship coach, podcast host, and author of the New York Times bestselling book “It Begins With You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life.” She is here today to help us focus on the longest relationship we will ever have in our lives: the one we have with ourselves. Jillian wants us to help improve our romantic lives by loving ourselves first before we can love another.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey fam, Hello sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today, on the bright side, we are keeping the love
and Valentine's Day vibes. Going relationship guru Jillian Toreki is
here to talk about her New York Times best selling
book It Begins with You, Nine Hard Truths about Love
that will Change your Life.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
It's Toesday, February eleventh.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I'm Smoane Voice, I'm Danielle Robe and this is the
bright side from Hello Sunshine. What does it truly take
to build deep, meaningful relationships? The kind that feel both
safe and exciting, steady yet passionate. Today we're sitting down
with Jillian Toreki. She's a renowned relationship coach, a teacher
(00:43):
and writer who spent years helping people break toxic cycles.
She also helps them heal from heartbreak and create the
love that they deserve. With her refreshingly honest insights, Jillian
has become a go to voice for anyone seeking deeper connections,
not just romantic relationship, but in all aspects of life.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
She hosts a podcast called Jillian on Love and writes
a newsletter called Love Weekly. And listen, We're probably all
bombarded with relationship and love experts on social media because
it is a billion dollar industry. But what makes Jillian's
advice different is that she goes heavy on accountability, this
idea of looking at ourselves first before we blame the
(01:22):
other person.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, her new book gets a right to the point.
I'm talking no nonsense advice. So for anyone out there
who's trying to figure out how to have a meaningful
and loving relationship, this show's a good one. Let's bring
her in. Jillian, Welcome to the Right Side. Thanks so
much for having me. We're really so excited to have
you here. Both Simone and I when you launch your book,
(01:44):
looked at each other and said, we have to have
Jillian on this show.
Speaker 4 (01:47):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
One of the reasons I love hearing you talk about
love is because you've really been through it yourself, the
highs and the lows. I think so many people are
either searching for love with no success, getting frustrated even
in relationship, or sometimes even generally feeling hopeless about love.
I would say I have friends across that spectrum. What
would you say, so many of us are getting wrong
(02:10):
in romance that's really leading to this dissatisfaction.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Oh, there's just a lot of things. One is not
understanding that who you choose to partner with is the
most important decision you'll ever make. Another one is that
there's no one you could meet, the most amazing, perfect
for you person. But if you don't do the work
and you don't show up as a good partner, things
(02:35):
are going to fall apart.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
So really it takes two.
Speaker 5 (02:39):
A relationship is not just something that's there to meet
your needs. It's something that you need to participate in
and co create. I know I'm listening off a few things,
but these are the main ones that you might be
running into problems because of some unfinished business from your
past that you need to address, and that we're just
(02:59):
not taught in school the basics of love and loving
ourselves and being in a romantic relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
That's so well said too. I remember having my first
boyfriend and not knowing if things were normal or not,
and then having my first deep love and still not
even knowing if certain things were normal or not. Can
we have a PSA for a love class in high school?
Speaker 4 (03:21):
I mean yes, can we?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I feel like we need this? Can you can you
write the curriculum?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
I would love to, but yeah, this is the thing. Yeah,
we just don't learn these things, and we don't learn
the value of it, and why it's so important to
really work on this aspect of our lives.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, well, Danielle, to what you were just saying, do
we ever get to a point where we understand what
is normal and what's not in relationships?
Speaker 5 (03:52):
I think it's like it's how you define normal. I
think more it's what's the tolerable versus the intolerable. And
I think one thing that's not quote unquote normalized enough
is it's normal to have.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Some doubt and some ambivalence. Now, you don't want to
have a ton of ambivalence, and.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
You don't want to have a ton of doubt, but
it's normal to wake up sometimes and say is this right?
You know, what is right for me? Just that's sort
of part of being human. And then also it's so important.
A lot of people don't recognize that there are certain
things that are absolutely intolerable in a relationship, but there's
(04:32):
going to be more things that you're going.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
To have to be flexible about.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Well, in that vein, I'm curious why you think people
pursue or even stay in unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
So why do people stay in relationships that.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Are unhealthy for them because they feel hopeless and helpless.
They want it to be different, but they don't know
how to be different. Why do people stay in relationships
with people who treat them badly because they do I
don't recognize that they deserve more. That kind of goes
full circle to or a conversation about the tolerable versus
(05:07):
the intolerable, like they literally they don't know what's like
you said, like, how do we know what's normal in
a relationship? They don't know that what's happening is actually
not normal. And sometimes they're there because they don't have
the money to leave, you know, sometimes there's socioeconomic things.
But let's just suppose it's not that pathological fear of
(05:28):
being alone, a pathological fear of it not working out.
Usually within the cadence of like a quote unquote toxic
relationship is periods of closeness followed by very intense disruption
of that closeness, like conflict, and then coming back to
closeness again. And so what it becomes is a roller
(05:51):
coaster that, believe it or not, you become habituated to.
So it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a
lot of people to leave that. So why do people
seek out these relations No one seeks out an unhealthy relationship.
Nobody wants that you said something that was super wise,
Which is if you don't really know who you are,
if you don't have a sense of what is that
(06:12):
you deserve, and you don't have a sense of what
you need in a relationship, you'll seek out things that are.
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Familiar to you.
Speaker 6 (06:20):
So if you had a very troubling relationship with a
parent as a child, or you saw your parents have
a very troubling relationship, even though it's so illogical to
think that we would go for someone who mirrors that experience,
to our unconscious, it's incredibly familiar.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
So we're just doing what we know. And then once
we're in it, we have our own stuff.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
We don't know how to have a conversation when we're afraid,
we don't know how to be an advocate for ourselves,
we don't know how to regulate our anger, and we
don't understand the ramifications of resentment, and so that's typically
that's it. You know, I'll never forget It was just
a few months into my marriage, and it was just
(07:09):
I was having a really hard time, and I'll never
forget my mom asking me.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Do you think you made a mistake?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
WHOA?
Speaker 6 (07:18):
And she said it in a way that was compassionate, like,
we all make mistakes. Maybe this is just a mistake.
And I couldn't even fathom that, because I was like,
that's a mistake. That's so huge, and I didn't even
know how to digest and process that. But it certainly
(07:38):
crossed my mind. It wasn't like, oh, I'm in the
wrong relationship once we broke up. I mean, typically breakups
don't happen out of the blue. The way in which
one is broken up with can be very jarring and
very abandoning and very out of the blue. But typically
there's months, sometimes years leading up to that demise where
(07:58):
you're unhappy. Else why so many people, let's say, who
were heartbroken or rejected. Part of the processing is to
help them remember that you weren't actually that happy. Yeah,
this was actually very very difficult, and to remind people.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Of that, Jillian.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
As you were just speaking, I was thinking about the
tremendous heartbreak that you suffered. I cannot imagine a more
horrific way for a marriage to end. You were suffering
a miscarriage and your husband basically ended the marriage over
the phone. Uh yeah, text, where are you at in
terms of your faith in relationships now? Because for me,
(08:42):
that would have rattled me to my core.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
It did rattle me to my core.
Speaker 6 (08:48):
I mean it rattled me to the point where there
was a long time where I would just look at
men and just be almost afraid of them and lost
all trust in them and faith in them, lost all
trust and myself. But it's been many years now, and
so I process and through doing this in our work
and just understanding the nature of relationships.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
No, I don't feel rattled by it anymore.
Speaker 6 (09:15):
But what I will say is the interesting thing about
doing this work with people that you have to be
very careful of. And this is something that coaches that
therapists talk about often, which is, don't get influenced by
other people's bad experiences.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Before we get into your book, I have one question
for you. Yeah, I interviewed somebody about heartbreak and she said,
I really miss the person I was before that heartbreak.
I miss that girl, that girl that was trusting and
a little bit more naive and didn't want to look
at my boyfriend's phone and all those things, and I
(09:53):
went through a really brutal breakup, and I feel like
it was the best lesson in my life. Pushed me
towards therapy and a lot of really necessary growth. I'm
kind of happy that the naivete lifted a bit. Yes,
while I still understand what she's saying, there's pieces of
me that like were like, I don't jump into love
(10:15):
the same way I used to. And you had such
a brutal breakup. I'm curious how you feel about that.
Speaker 6 (10:23):
Yeah, when I think about what you're sharing, it's innocence, right,
It's the loss of innocence, And I think that that's
always something that we grieve in our lives, is because
with innocence, we're not so aware of the darkness that
exists in life. But in reality, naivete and dating just
(10:45):
means that you're gonna be with predatory people, and so
we don't want to be naive That's interesting and so
but there's heartbreak and then there's betrayal, and yeah, you
can miss that person beforehand, and I think it's just
one of the hard things about being a human being,
and one of the conundrums of being a human being.
Speaker 4 (11:06):
What is the opposite of innocence, it's wisdom. And so
you learn all these things and you're very familiar with
the darkness, but you have to make sure that you
don't then get too sucked into the darkness and think
everything is dark.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
We've got to take a short break, but we'll be
right back with Jillian to Reki.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
And we're back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
You offer these nine big truths, and so Simone and
I want to go through a couple of them with you.
The first one is it begins with you, and you
say that the common denominator in all of our relationships
is one thing ourselves in theory that makes absolute perfect
sense in practice. What does that mean?
Speaker 6 (12:01):
So what it doesn't mean is the platitude that the
problem is you. Yeah, the problem could be you, but
just because it begins with you, it doesn't mean you could.
I definitely have been in a relationship or in relationships
with people who were objectively speaking more quote unquote problematic than.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
You, but you chose them and you fell in love
with them.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
And so our lives are really the sum total decisions
and the choices that we make. And so what it
really means in practicality is hey, there is so little
that we have control of in this life. In fact,
most things are not in our control. Most things that
we think our control are an illusion. But we do
(12:44):
have control over how we're going to show up in
our beliefs at all of that. And isn't that incredibly empowering?
And that you have to be the change that you
wish to see in your love life? And so in practicality,
it's so, let's investigate the beliefs that you have about
love rather about men or women, and let's see where
you got them. If you have a really negative belief
(13:06):
about love, at what point was that belief born? Oh,
it was born after my last relationship and this breakup
and this horrible experience. Okay, well, let's put some framework
around that. What are some of the red flags that may.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Be you ignored?
Speaker 6 (13:19):
Is it possible that you had an experience that maybe
billions of people have had as well, that this is
just sort of part of it. There's so many different
things to kind of look at. But it's not going
to change by blaming mom. It's not going to change
by blaming dad. It's not going to be changed by
(13:39):
blaming your exes, and it's not going to change with
you blaming yourself, but it is going to change if
you can actually really take the step, the courageous step
of doing the necessary self examination to grow into the
person that you want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
There's a part in the book a phrase really blew
my mind. Jillian.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
You said, pedestals are for teenagers. They have no place
in adult love.
Speaker 6 (14:07):
I love this one so much, Jillian, Yeah, you know,
it's so funny. I I and I think there's some
nuance to it when both people are really I think
there's something beautiful about two people being in a relationship
and seeing the other as really wonderful, and maybe seeing
the other as more wonderful than the person can see
as themselves. You can interpret that as a pedestal, but
(14:30):
in the purpose of that chapter for teenagers, it's I
don't know you, but I'm going to project my thirteen
year old ideal of what like a perfect partner is
or my crush onto you, and I'm going to make
you really really important even though I don't know you,
And then one thing could be well, once I do
(14:51):
get to know you and I see that you're actually
not a representation of my ideal.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
But you are a real man or a real woman,
not this Phanta that I have projected onto you.
Speaker 6 (15:03):
Then you're going to fall off the pedestal, and then
you are going to feel like the fallen hero, and
I'm just going to be disappointed. And that's teenage love.
Teenage love is all about lust. It's all about fantasy
and excitement. It's not really about Oh, we're too real, flawed,
(15:23):
nuanced people with depth, and we have to kind of
accept each other.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I also feel like when you put somebody on a pedestal,
you act really weird, like the real you isn't able
to come out totally.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (15:35):
Yes, because when you put someone up on a pedestal,
they're up here, you're down here, and so you never
you always feel like they're out of your league or
better than you.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
You feel less then.
Speaker 6 (15:49):
And so to your point, it's how am I going
to live up?
Speaker 4 (15:53):
How am I going to be enough for this person
who I've already decided is so amazing that I'm actually
not incredibly worthy of them. So I have to figure
a way to scramble to be worthy for them, And
that's always a bad scenario.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
This next one that you write, the mind is a battlefield,
and stay in your head or your relationship is dead.
So drop some wisdom on us. What role do our
minds play in our relationships?
Speaker 6 (16:19):
Yeah, our minds are designed to keep us safe, not
to really make us happy. To learn how to feel
fulfilled and to find joy in life is something that
many of us have to train ourselves to do. I know,
for me, I was raised in a family. I was
raised in an immigrant family, so it was pretty much
(16:40):
like the glasses half empty. So I had to really
train myself to learn a little bit more positivity in life.
And so that chapter is really about It's a chapter
about the mind and more importantly, why mind fullness is
so important and such an important element to a relationship,
(17:04):
and how.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Easy it is to be mindless.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Can you say more about mindfulness and relationships? Why is
that so essential?
Speaker 6 (17:12):
Yeah, because mindfulness it's sort of like self awareness. It's
I'm being mindful of the fact that I'm telling a
story right now, I'm being mindful of my partner's needs,
I'm being mindful of my own prejudices. So, for example,
your spouse, let's say you're married to a man, they
(17:34):
do something that you don't like, then how easy you
can go into a narrative about men men in general, right,
and then that feeds the machine and then all of
a sudden you're hating in some way your spouse. So
mindfulness is the ability to have that sort of discernment
of when you're going into that kind of rhetoric in
(17:57):
your mind and interrect that with hey, I need to
soften a little bit. This is about me right now,
this isn't about them. Another thing of mindfulness is, you know,
we can be stressed out in a bad mood for
various reasons. But when we are stressed out or tired
(18:18):
or in a bad mood just not in a good
emotional state, psycho emotional state, physiological state, even that's going
to put a filter in front of our eyes and
we're going to see the world and the people in
it clouded. And so mindfulness is when we're frustrated, for example,
(18:39):
with our partner, is just having the awareness to say,
is this something like did they do something.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
That perhaps crossed the boundary with me? Or am I
really tired and stressed out and going through a hard time?
And so nothing that they do is going to be
good enough right now. Yeah. Yeah, and that level of
mind Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
I've never thought about mindfulness this way. I never thought
about it in the context of a relationship.
Speaker 6 (19:05):
It's that was one of the most profound lessons that
I learned, and just being mindful because it's also being
mindful of our energy and how we impact our environment.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah, there's one thing that's helped me, both in romantic
relationship and in any relationship. And it's like, every time
I feel myself getting critical, I'm like, okay, swap it
with curiosity. Oh and it's nice asking the quick because
you mentioned such beautiful questions, Jillian, and it's like that's
the check in because it's the same C word, And
(19:39):
like I need to swap it in my mind because
I feel the criticism and the judgment come up and
I don't like that. It doesn't make me feel good.
Speaker 6 (19:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yes, yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Oh that's very mindful.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, very very I'm not a total mess.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
Okay, Yeah, you're not a mess at all.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah, I am a total mess.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Well, there are so many bangers in this book. We're
going to try to get through as many as we can.
But another reframe that stood out to me is lust
is not the same thing as love. This is a
complicated one because when I hear that, I think it's
still really hard for us to understand myself included, that
physical chemistry and true connection with someone are actually two
(20:21):
very different things, although I feel like both are necessary. Yes,
how do we start to understand the difference and how
will that change things once we do?
Speaker 6 (20:32):
Okay, so we were just talking a moment ago about pedestals, right, Yes,
lust is something that just sort of happens. Love is
also a choice, it's a practice, it's an action. It's like, oh,
I'm not really in the mood to be very loving
right now, but I'm in a relationship and I'm going
to transcend that and give love. And people think, well,
that's exhausting, Well, but you get so much in return.
(20:56):
What you do is you get to then have an
exchange of love between you and your partner, and that's
very fulfilling. And lust if we're bored, if we're lonely,
if you don't have a lot of purpose in life,
these are all things that when we meet someone and
we're attracted to them, it can make us super super excited,
(21:17):
to the point where romantic right, and we think if
I'm attracted to this person, then they must be.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Right.
Speaker 6 (21:24):
If I'm attracted to this person, then I should pursue
a relationship with them. When I'm attracted to this person,
they must be amazing.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
No no, no, no no, you're just experiencing chemistry. That doesn't
mean they're amazing. Doesn't mean they're not amazing. They could be.
They could be.
Speaker 6 (21:41):
It's just don't confuse that with love. Don't confuse with
thinking someone is the one because it's three months in
and you're really excited about them. So have the excitement,
but process your enthusiasm to understand that all those chemicals
and everything that's happening, that is just you in life.
Alla land in a fantasy, very excited about someone, and
(22:03):
you just have to get to know them, and that
so many people are chasing that high when really love
is what happens. Like I said, after the honeymoon, once
you're starting to build trust and safety, it doesn't mean
the chemistry goes away. But all that craziness in the
beginning is something that is really more about the danger
(22:24):
of it all, the newness of it all, the novelty
of it all, and you don't want to confuse that
you can make a relationship just work based on that alone.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
You actually you mentioned three months.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
And in the book you say that that's kind of
like the magic number that if you're not progressing or
integrating into each other's lives at that point, things are,
you know, not really looking good for the potential of
the relationship. When I read that, I was like, Ooh,
I feel like that's going to be so hard for
a lot of people to hear. Necessary again coming back
to hard truths, because we tend to still want to
(23:00):
hold on to it, and we're hopeful about the potential
of the relationship and we want to fight for it.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Why that number? Why is three months so telling?
Speaker 2 (23:07):
And what should we do in that situation if we
aren't integrating at that three month mark?
Speaker 6 (23:13):
And look, sometimes it's sooner. I'm not a rules girl
or anything like that. It's and progression looks different. Just
but if you are spending a lot of time with
someone and you're sleeping over and you're and you're having sex,
and three months in you're not talking about, Hey, where
do we want this to go? What are our intentions here?
I mean, I think people should be meeting each other's
(23:35):
friends and family very very early on, because you can't
really understand or know a person without seeing them within
the context of their environment. So I think that has
to happen really soon. But a lot of people will
kind of get in this sort of bubble and enter
what is referred to as a situationship where it's like
you're spending all this time together but there's no intentionality
(23:57):
behind it, and three months, Like, I mean, I know
people who've spent every weekend with someone, you know, speaking
to them every day, and then you know, three months
and they're like, yeah, I don't want to put a
label on it. That's absolutely ridiculous, and that person's not
interested in the way that you think they are. They
want all the benefits of being in a relationship without
the responsibility. So it's around three months, But the bigger
(24:20):
point is are you progressing, Are you having the necessary conversations?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Do you feel like it's growing.
Speaker 6 (24:27):
Anything that we partake in, whether it's a relationship or not,
has to grow.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
If it's not growing, it becomes stuck. If it's stuck
eventually dies.
Speaker 6 (24:35):
So you just want to feel like there's progressing and
that there's the necessary conversations to make it progress. Don't
get in something that just stays the same three months in.
You don't know And your next question is how do
you get it to go anywhere? You say, what are
we doing here? Would you instead of just saying what
do you want?
Speaker 4 (24:56):
This is what I want?
Speaker 6 (24:57):
I think it's time for us to figure out what
our intention is are with this, Like where we're going
with this? This is where I would really love for
it to go.
Speaker 4 (25:04):
How do you feel.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
It's time for another quick break? But don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with Jillian to Reki, And we're
back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki. What do you
think love is, Jillian? Because like, if you had such
a great definition of chemistry and lust, how do I
know if I'm in love? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (25:29):
You know, it's a hard thing to define. I think
that when you can say to yourself, I can live
without this person, but I really really don't want to.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
That's really nice.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
This person's happiness and their needs and their well being
is as important to me as my own. I want
them to be I want them to succeed in life.
Speaker 6 (25:56):
I really want them to be happy like I want
them to have everything that there are desires.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
That could be love, that could be love for a
child too. In love is all that, And I want
to have sex with you. And maybe I don't want
to have sex.
Speaker 6 (26:13):
With you every single day because I've been with you
for so long, but there's still desire there.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I heard you recently on a podcast say, don't play
house with a stranger. Yes, And I know exactly what
you mean. So many of my girlfriends do this, okay,
And I don't mean to like shine the light on them,
but I see them do it. They're at the farmer's
market on Sunday with this guy that they met on Thursday,
and they spend the whole weekend together and they're acting like,
(26:39):
you know, they're walking a dog, and I'm like, are
you guys dating or what's going on?
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Yeah, don't do it that?
Speaker 5 (26:44):
See?
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Is that a new thing? Did that happen in our parents' generation?
Speaker 6 (26:48):
I don't think that happened in our parents' generation, because
I think in our parents' generation, especially my parents' generation,
it was more a little bit more formal than that.
I think there was and I think there was dating.
I also think there were certain rules around sex and
all of that and no, so I think that's a
little bit more modern. I think it's more modern. Let's
(27:12):
just put it that way. It's just a false sense
of intimacy, and I really worry about it, especially for women,
because then they think, oh, like, we're in a relationship,
but that could be there could be a whole different
reality that's happening for the other person. And then you're
doing that with someone who is a stranger, you don't
even know if you like them. And it's just when
(27:33):
we do that because we want so badly to be
in a relationship and it feels so comfortable, but it's
when you don't know someone and you don't have that
trust and you haven't had those conversations, it can then
just leave you feeling very empty in size. So then
you part for the weekend and then you don't even
hear from them, and then you just had this experience
and it can just be very disorienting.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
What's coming up for most women nowadays?
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Single women or coupled women.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Oh both. Let's start with single women.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
I think for single women it's the same thing.
Speaker 6 (28:06):
Well, finding someone emotionally available, that's a big one for them.
But I also think there's a lot of women these
days who are wanting to really live their life to
the fullest and trying to like figure out a way
to really live their life to the fullest where they
can want a relationship but it doesn't become so all
consuming for them. I think women in relationships, a lot
(28:28):
of what comes up for them is just you know,
it's the same thing. It's just needs being met, being heard,
being seen. A lot of women who have children, it's
exhausting trying to figure out their identity. I'm a mother,
I'm a wife, I'm a partner. Where am I on
all this? So just learning that, I think that that's
(28:50):
always a big one. Those are the biggest ones for.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Sure, Jillian.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Of the nine hard truths that you address in your book,
which one has been the hardest truth for you to
accept in your own journey?
Speaker 6 (29:02):
I think the hardest one was making the last one,
which I think is going to be a tough one
for most people. You have to make peace with your parents.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
That felt very deliberate that you would include that as
like the final step in the process.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
Yes, it was very It was very deliberate that that
would be the last one.
Speaker 4 (29:17):
It's the hardest truth I think for people to get.
And you know, my relationship with my father, which was
always extremely troubled, was just that theme in my life
that sort of just followed me everywhere, and so learning
how to let go of the hatred and fear.
Speaker 6 (29:38):
That I had towards him and of him was a
huge part of my personal development or spiritual journey.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
And really what that chapter is about. And I certainly
don't if someone's been and I mentioned this, if someone's
been severely abused or molested, I'm not saying make peace
with your parents.
Speaker 6 (29:58):
You can have a great relationship with your parent. This
is just about one. For some people, it's emancipating themselves
from their parents' belief system so that they can live
the life that they feel that they're meant to live,
versus living the life that they believe their parents want
them to live.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Oh my gosh, that's so big. That is a huge one.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
It's a big one.
Speaker 6 (30:17):
And another one is the story that you have of
your parent that's maybe troubled. How much does that have
a choke hold in your life? How much is it
controlling your life? And is it time to look at
the story differently from the perspective of being an adult
rather than through the filter of yourself as a child,
and a lot of that letting go forgiveness, compassion reframing.
Speaker 4 (30:40):
I would not be here sitting here today.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
I would never have written the book had I had
the father that I deserve to have. What we want
in childhood does not guarantee a good life. It doesn't
mean getting what you want means you're gonna have a
bad life, no, but it doesn't actually guarantee you a
good life. There's some people out there who have the
most interesting lives and they come from a men's trauma.
(31:04):
So it's sometimes just understanding that is what can help
you reframe the story.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Jillian, this has been so enlightening and I feel like
we have barely scratched the surface.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Thank you so much, thank.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
You, thank you so much for having me. The two
of you are delightful and it was really great to
be here.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
Jillian Treki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and author.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, in honor of American
Heart Month and Valentine's Day, we're talking all about heart
health with cardiologists doctor Jennifer Hath She joins us to
share tips and information that could literally save your life.
You don't want to miss it.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
Join the conversation using hashtag the bright Side and connect
with us on social media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram
and at the bright Side Pod on TikTok oh, and
feel free to tag us at Simone Boys and at
Danielle Robe.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
See you tomorrow, folks, keep looking on the bright side.
Hey fam, Hello sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today, on the bright side, we are keeping the love
and Valentine's Day vibes. Going relationship guru Jillian Toreki is
here to talk about her New York Times best selling
book It Begins with You, Nine Hard Truths about Love
that will Change your Life.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
It's Toesday, February eleventh.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I'm Smoane Voice, I'm Danielle Robe and this is the
bright side from Hello Sunshine. What does it truly take
to build deep, meaningful relationships? The kind that feel both
safe and exciting, steady yet passionate. Today we're sitting down
with Jillian Toreki. She's a renowned relationship coach, a teacher
(00:43):
and writer who spent years helping people break toxic cycles.
She also helps them heal from heartbreak and create the
love that they deserve. With her refreshingly honest insights, Jillian
has become a go to voice for anyone seeking deeper connections,
not just romantic relationship, but in all aspects of life.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
She hosts a podcast called Jillian on Love and writes
a newsletter called Love Weekly. And listen, We're probably all
bombarded with relationship and love experts on social media because
it is a billion dollar industry. But what makes Jillian's
advice different is that she goes heavy on accountability, this
idea of looking at ourselves first before we blame the
(01:22):
other person.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, her new book gets a right to the point.
I'm talking no nonsense advice. So for anyone out there
who's trying to figure out how to have a meaningful
and loving relationship, this show's a good one. Let's bring
her in. Jillian, Welcome to the Right Side. Thanks so
much for having me. We're really so excited to have
you here. Both Simone and I when you launch your book,
(01:44):
looked at each other and said, we have to have
Jillian on this show.
Speaker 4 (01:47):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
One of the reasons I love hearing you talk about
love is because you've really been through it yourself, the
highs and the lows. I think so many people are
either searching for love with no success, getting frustrated even
in relationship, or sometimes even generally feeling hopeless about love.
I would say I have friends across that spectrum. What
would you say, so many of us are getting wrong
(02:10):
in romance that's really leading to this dissatisfaction.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Oh, there's just a lot of things. One is not
understanding that who you choose to partner with is the
most important decision you'll ever make. Another one is that
there's no one you could meet, the most amazing, perfect
for you person. But if you don't do the work
and you don't show up as a good partner, things
(02:35):
are going to fall apart.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
So really it takes two.
Speaker 5 (02:39):
A relationship is not just something that's there to meet
your needs. It's something that you need to participate in
and co create. I know I'm listening off a few things,
but these are the main ones that you might be
running into problems because of some unfinished business from your
past that you need to address, and that we're just
(02:59):
not taught in school the basics of love and loving
ourselves and being in a romantic relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
That's so well said too. I remember having my first
boyfriend and not knowing if things were normal or not,
and then having my first deep love and still not
even knowing if certain things were normal or not. Can
we have a PSA for a love class in high school?
Speaker 4 (03:21):
I mean yes, can we?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I feel like we need this? Can you can you
write the curriculum?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
I would love to, but yeah, this is the thing. Yeah,
we just don't learn these things, and we don't learn
the value of it, and why it's so important to
really work on this aspect of our lives.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, well, Danielle, to what you were just saying, do
we ever get to a point where we understand what
is normal and what's not in relationships?
Speaker 5 (03:52):
I think it's like it's how you define normal. I
think more it's what's the tolerable versus the intolerable. And
I think one thing that's not quote unquote normalized enough
is it's normal to have.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Some doubt and some ambivalence. Now, you don't want to
have a ton of ambivalence, and.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
You don't want to have a ton of doubt, but
it's normal to wake up sometimes and say is this right?
You know, what is right for me? Just that's sort
of part of being human. And then also it's so important.
A lot of people don't recognize that there are certain
things that are absolutely intolerable in a relationship, but there's
(04:32):
going to be more things that you're going.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
To have to be flexible about.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Well, in that vein, I'm curious why you think people
pursue or even stay in unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
So why do people stay in relationships that.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Are unhealthy for them because they feel hopeless and helpless.
They want it to be different, but they don't know
how to be different. Why do people stay in relationships
with people who treat them badly because they do I
don't recognize that they deserve more. That kind of goes
full circle to or a conversation about the tolerable versus
(05:07):
the intolerable, like they literally they don't know what's like
you said, like, how do we know what's normal in
a relationship? They don't know that what's happening is actually
not normal. And sometimes they're there because they don't have
the money to leave, you know, sometimes there's socioeconomic things.
But let's just suppose it's not that pathological fear of
(05:28):
being alone, a pathological fear of it not working out.
Usually within the cadence of like a quote unquote toxic
relationship is periods of closeness followed by very intense disruption
of that closeness, like conflict, and then coming back to
closeness again. And so what it becomes is a roller
(05:51):
coaster that, believe it or not, you become habituated to.
So it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a
lot of people to leave that. So why do people
seek out these relations No one seeks out an unhealthy relationship.
Nobody wants that you said something that was super wise,
Which is if you don't really know who you are,
if you don't have a sense of what is that
(06:12):
you deserve, and you don't have a sense of what
you need in a relationship, you'll seek out things that are.
Speaker 4 (06:19):
Familiar to you.
Speaker 6 (06:20):
So if you had a very troubling relationship with a
parent as a child, or you saw your parents have
a very troubling relationship, even though it's so illogical to
think that we would go for someone who mirrors that experience,
to our unconscious, it's incredibly familiar.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
So we're just doing what we know. And then once
we're in it, we have our own stuff.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
We don't know how to have a conversation when we're afraid,
we don't know how to be an advocate for ourselves,
we don't know how to regulate our anger, and we
don't understand the ramifications of resentment, and so that's typically
that's it. You know, I'll never forget It was just
a few months into my marriage, and it was just
(07:09):
I was having a really hard time, and I'll never
forget my mom asking me.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Do you think you made a mistake?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
WHOA?
Speaker 6 (07:18):
And she said it in a way that was compassionate, like,
we all make mistakes. Maybe this is just a mistake.
And I couldn't even fathom that, because I was like,
that's a mistake. That's so huge, and I didn't even
know how to digest and process that. But it certainly
(07:38):
crossed my mind. It wasn't like, oh, I'm in the
wrong relationship once we broke up. I mean, typically breakups
don't happen out of the blue. The way in which
one is broken up with can be very jarring and
very abandoning and very out of the blue. But typically
there's months, sometimes years leading up to that demise where
(07:58):
you're unhappy. Else why so many people, let's say, who
were heartbroken or rejected. Part of the processing is to
help them remember that you weren't actually that happy. Yeah,
this was actually very very difficult, and to remind people.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Of that, Jillian.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
As you were just speaking, I was thinking about the
tremendous heartbreak that you suffered. I cannot imagine a more
horrific way for a marriage to end. You were suffering
a miscarriage and your husband basically ended the marriage over
the phone. Uh yeah, text, where are you at in
terms of your faith in relationships now? Because for me,
(08:42):
that would have rattled me to my core.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
It did rattle me to my core.
Speaker 6 (08:48):
I mean it rattled me to the point where there
was a long time where I would just look at
men and just be almost afraid of them and lost
all trust in them and faith in them, lost all
trust and myself. But it's been many years now, and
so I process and through doing this in our work
and just understanding the nature of relationships.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
No, I don't feel rattled by it anymore.
Speaker 6 (09:15):
But what I will say is the interesting thing about
doing this work with people that you have to be
very careful of. And this is something that coaches that
therapists talk about often, which is, don't get influenced by
other people's bad experiences.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Before we get into your book, I have one question
for you. Yeah, I interviewed somebody about heartbreak and she said,
I really miss the person I was before that heartbreak.
I miss that girl, that girl that was trusting and
a little bit more naive and didn't want to look
at my boyfriend's phone and all those things, and I
(09:53):
went through a really brutal breakup, and I feel like
it was the best lesson in my life. Pushed me
towards therapy and a lot of really necessary growth. I'm
kind of happy that the naivete lifted a bit. Yes,
while I still understand what she's saying, there's pieces of
me that like were like, I don't jump into love
(10:15):
the same way I used to. And you had such
a brutal breakup. I'm curious how you feel about that.
Speaker 6 (10:23):
Yeah, when I think about what you're sharing, it's innocence, right,
It's the loss of innocence, And I think that that's
always something that we grieve in our lives, is because
with innocence, we're not so aware of the darkness that
exists in life. But in reality, naivete and dating just
(10:45):
means that you're gonna be with predatory people, and so
we don't want to be naive That's interesting and so
but there's heartbreak and then there's betrayal, and yeah, you
can miss that person beforehand, and I think it's just
one of the hard things about being a human being,
and one of the conundrums of being a human being.
Speaker 4 (11:06):
What is the opposite of innocence, it's wisdom. And so
you learn all these things and you're very familiar with
the darkness, but you have to make sure that you
don't then get too sucked into the darkness and think
everything is dark.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
We've got to take a short break, but we'll be
right back with Jillian to Reki.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
And we're back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
You offer these nine big truths, and so Simone and
I want to go through a couple of them with you.
The first one is it begins with you, and you
say that the common denominator in all of our relationships
is one thing ourselves in theory that makes absolute perfect
sense in practice. What does that mean?
Speaker 6 (12:01):
So what it doesn't mean is the platitude that the
problem is you. Yeah, the problem could be you, but
just because it begins with you, it doesn't mean you could.
I definitely have been in a relationship or in relationships
with people who were objectively speaking more quote unquote problematic than.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
You, but you chose them and you fell in love
with them.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
And so our lives are really the sum total decisions
and the choices that we make. And so what it
really means in practicality is hey, there is so little
that we have control of in this life. In fact,
most things are not in our control. Most things that
we think our control are an illusion. But we do
(12:44):
have control over how we're going to show up in
our beliefs at all of that. And isn't that incredibly empowering?
And that you have to be the change that you
wish to see in your love life? And so in practicality,
it's so, let's investigate the beliefs that you have about
love rather about men or women, and let's see where
you got them. If you have a really negative belief
(13:06):
about love, at what point was that belief born? Oh,
it was born after my last relationship and this breakup
and this horrible experience. Okay, well, let's put some framework
around that. What are some of the red flags that may.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Be you ignored?
Speaker 6 (13:19):
Is it possible that you had an experience that maybe
billions of people have had as well, that this is
just sort of part of it. There's so many different
things to kind of look at. But it's not going
to change by blaming mom. It's not going to change
by blaming dad. It's not going to be changed by
(13:39):
blaming your exes, and it's not going to change with
you blaming yourself, but it is going to change if
you can actually really take the step, the courageous step
of doing the necessary self examination to grow into the
person that you want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
There's a part in the book a phrase really blew
my mind. Jillian.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
You said, pedestals are for teenagers. They have no place
in adult love.
Speaker 6 (14:07):
I love this one so much, Jillian, Yeah, you know,
it's so funny. I I and I think there's some
nuance to it when both people are really I think
there's something beautiful about two people being in a relationship
and seeing the other as really wonderful, and maybe seeing
the other as more wonderful than the person can see
as themselves. You can interpret that as a pedestal, but
(14:30):
in the purpose of that chapter for teenagers, it's I
don't know you, but I'm going to project my thirteen
year old ideal of what like a perfect partner is
or my crush onto you, and I'm going to make
you really really important even though I don't know you,
And then one thing could be well, once I do
(14:51):
get to know you and I see that you're actually
not a representation of my ideal.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
But you are a real man or a real woman,
not this Phanta that I have projected onto you.
Speaker 6 (15:03):
Then you're going to fall off the pedestal, and then
you are going to feel like the fallen hero, and
I'm just going to be disappointed. And that's teenage love.
Teenage love is all about lust. It's all about fantasy
and excitement. It's not really about Oh, we're too real, flawed,
(15:23):
nuanced people with depth, and we have to kind of
accept each other.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I also feel like when you put somebody on a pedestal,
you act really weird, like the real you isn't able
to come out totally.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (15:35):
Yes, because when you put someone up on a pedestal,
they're up here, you're down here, and so you never
you always feel like they're out of your league or
better than you.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
You feel less then.
Speaker 6 (15:49):
And so to your point, it's how am I going
to live up?
Speaker 4 (15:53):
How am I going to be enough for this person
who I've already decided is so amazing that I'm actually
not incredibly worthy of them. So I have to figure
a way to scramble to be worthy for them, And
that's always a bad scenario.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
This next one that you write, the mind is a battlefield,
and stay in your head or your relationship is dead.
So drop some wisdom on us. What role do our
minds play in our relationships?
Speaker 6 (16:19):
Yeah, our minds are designed to keep us safe, not
to really make us happy. To learn how to feel
fulfilled and to find joy in life is something that
many of us have to train ourselves to do. I know,
for me, I was raised in a family. I was
raised in an immigrant family, so it was pretty much
(16:40):
like the glasses half empty. So I had to really
train myself to learn a little bit more positivity in life.
And so that chapter is really about It's a chapter
about the mind and more importantly, why mind fullness is
so important and such an important element to a relationship,
(17:04):
and how.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Easy it is to be mindless.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Can you say more about mindfulness and relationships? Why is
that so essential?
Speaker 6 (17:12):
Yeah, because mindfulness it's sort of like self awareness. It's
I'm being mindful of the fact that I'm telling a
story right now, I'm being mindful of my partner's needs,
I'm being mindful of my own prejudices. So, for example,
your spouse, let's say you're married to a man, they
(17:34):
do something that you don't like, then how easy you
can go into a narrative about men men in general, right,
and then that feeds the machine and then all of
a sudden you're hating in some way your spouse. So
mindfulness is the ability to have that sort of discernment
of when you're going into that kind of rhetoric in
(17:57):
your mind and interrect that with hey, I need to
soften a little bit. This is about me right now,
this isn't about them. Another thing of mindfulness is, you know,
we can be stressed out in a bad mood for
various reasons. But when we are stressed out or tired
(18:18):
or in a bad mood just not in a good
emotional state, psycho emotional state, physiological state, even that's going
to put a filter in front of our eyes and
we're going to see the world and the people in
it clouded. And so mindfulness is when we're frustrated, for example,
(18:39):
with our partner, is just having the awareness to say,
is this something like did they do something.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
That perhaps crossed the boundary with me? Or am I
really tired and stressed out and going through a hard time?
And so nothing that they do is going to be
good enough right now. Yeah. Yeah, and that level of
mind Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
I've never thought about mindfulness this way. I never thought
about it in the context of a relationship.
Speaker 6 (19:05):
It's that was one of the most profound lessons that
I learned, and just being mindful because it's also being
mindful of our energy and how we impact our environment.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah, there's one thing that's helped me, both in romantic
relationship and in any relationship. And it's like, every time
I feel myself getting critical, I'm like, okay, swap it
with curiosity. Oh and it's nice asking the quick because
you mentioned such beautiful questions, Jillian, and it's like that's
the check in because it's the same C word, And
(19:39):
like I need to swap it in my mind because
I feel the criticism and the judgment come up and
I don't like that. It doesn't make me feel good.
Speaker 6 (19:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yes, yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Oh that's very mindful.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, very very I'm not a total mess.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
Okay, Yeah, you're not a mess at all.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah, I am a total mess.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Well, there are so many bangers in this book. We're
going to try to get through as many as we can.
But another reframe that stood out to me is lust
is not the same thing as love. This is a
complicated one because when I hear that, I think it's
still really hard for us to understand myself included, that
physical chemistry and true connection with someone are actually two
(20:21):
very different things, although I feel like both are necessary. Yes,
how do we start to understand the difference and how
will that change things once we do?
Speaker 6 (20:32):
Okay, so we were just talking a moment ago about pedestals, right, Yes,
lust is something that just sort of happens. Love is
also a choice, it's a practice, it's an action. It's like, oh,
I'm not really in the mood to be very loving
right now, but I'm in a relationship and I'm going
to transcend that and give love. And people think, well,
that's exhausting, Well, but you get so much in return.
(20:56):
What you do is you get to then have an
exchange of love between you and your partner, and that's
very fulfilling. And lust if we're bored, if we're lonely,
if you don't have a lot of purpose in life,
these are all things that when we meet someone and
we're attracted to them, it can make us super super excited,
(21:17):
to the point where romantic right, and we think if
I'm attracted to this person, then they must be.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Right.
Speaker 6 (21:24):
If I'm attracted to this person, then I should pursue
a relationship with them. When I'm attracted to this person,
they must be amazing.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
No no, no, no no, you're just experiencing chemistry. That doesn't
mean they're amazing. Doesn't mean they're not amazing. They could be.
They could be.
Speaker 6 (21:41):
It's just don't confuse that with love. Don't confuse with
thinking someone is the one because it's three months in
and you're really excited about them. So have the excitement,
but process your enthusiasm to understand that all those chemicals
and everything that's happening, that is just you in life.
Alla land in a fantasy, very excited about someone, and
(22:03):
you just have to get to know them, and that
so many people are chasing that high when really love
is what happens. Like I said, after the honeymoon, once
you're starting to build trust and safety, it doesn't mean
the chemistry goes away. But all that craziness in the
beginning is something that is really more about the danger
(22:24):
of it all, the newness of it all, the novelty
of it all, and you don't want to confuse that
you can make a relationship just work based on that alone.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
You actually you mentioned three months.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
And in the book you say that that's kind of
like the magic number that if you're not progressing or
integrating into each other's lives at that point, things are,
you know, not really looking good for the potential of
the relationship. When I read that, I was like, Ooh,
I feel like that's going to be so hard for
a lot of people to hear. Necessary again coming back
to hard truths, because we tend to still want to
(23:00):
hold on to it, and we're hopeful about the potential
of the relationship and we want to fight for it.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Why that number? Why is three months so telling?
Speaker 2 (23:07):
And what should we do in that situation if we
aren't integrating at that three month mark?
Speaker 6 (23:13):
And look, sometimes it's sooner. I'm not a rules girl
or anything like that. It's and progression looks different. Just
but if you are spending a lot of time with
someone and you're sleeping over and you're and you're having sex,
and three months in you're not talking about, Hey, where
do we want this to go? What are our intentions here?
I mean, I think people should be meeting each other's
(23:35):
friends and family very very early on, because you can't
really understand or know a person without seeing them within
the context of their environment. So I think that has
to happen really soon. But a lot of people will
kind of get in this sort of bubble and enter
what is referred to as a situationship where it's like
you're spending all this time together but there's no intentionality
(23:57):
behind it, and three months, Like, I mean, I know
people who've spent every weekend with someone, you know, speaking
to them every day, and then you know, three months
and they're like, yeah, I don't want to put a
label on it. That's absolutely ridiculous, and that person's not
interested in the way that you think they are. They
want all the benefits of being in a relationship without
the responsibility. So it's around three months, But the bigger
(24:20):
point is are you progressing, Are you having the necessary conversations?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Do you feel like it's growing.
Speaker 6 (24:27):
Anything that we partake in, whether it's a relationship or not,
has to grow.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
If it's not growing, it becomes stuck. If it's stuck
eventually dies.
Speaker 6 (24:35):
So you just want to feel like there's progressing and
that there's the necessary conversations to make it progress. Don't
get in something that just stays the same three months in.
You don't know And your next question is how do
you get it to go anywhere? You say, what are
we doing here? Would you instead of just saying what
do you want?
Speaker 4 (24:56):
This is what I want?
Speaker 6 (24:57):
I think it's time for us to figure out what
our intention is are with this, Like where we're going
with this? This is where I would really love for
it to go.
Speaker 4 (25:04):
How do you feel.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
It's time for another quick break? But don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with Jillian to Reki, And we're
back with relationship coach. Jillian to Reki. What do you
think love is, Jillian? Because like, if you had such
a great definition of chemistry and lust, how do I
know if I'm in love? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (25:29):
You know, it's a hard thing to define. I think
that when you can say to yourself, I can live
without this person, but I really really don't want to.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
That's really nice.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
This person's happiness and their needs and their well being
is as important to me as my own. I want
them to be I want them to succeed in life.
Speaker 6 (25:56):
I really want them to be happy like I want
them to have everything that there are desires.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
That could be love, that could be love for a
child too. In love is all that, And I want
to have sex with you. And maybe I don't want
to have sex.
Speaker 6 (26:13):
With you every single day because I've been with you
for so long, but there's still desire there.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
I heard you recently on a podcast say, don't play
house with a stranger. Yes, And I know exactly what
you mean. So many of my girlfriends do this, okay,
And I don't mean to like shine the light on them,
but I see them do it. They're at the farmer's
market on Sunday with this guy that they met on Thursday,
and they spend the whole weekend together and they're acting like,
(26:39):
you know, they're walking a dog, and I'm like, are
you guys dating or what's going on?
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Yeah, don't do it that?
Speaker 5 (26:44):
See?
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Is that a new thing? Did that happen in our parents' generation?
Speaker 6 (26:48):
I don't think that happened in our parents' generation, because
I think in our parents' generation, especially my parents' generation,
it was more a little bit more formal than that.
I think there was and I think there was dating.
I also think there were certain rules around sex and
all of that and no, so I think that's a
little bit more modern. I think it's more modern. Let's
(27:12):
just put it that way. It's just a false sense
of intimacy, and I really worry about it, especially for women,
because then they think, oh, like, we're in a relationship,
but that could be there could be a whole different
reality that's happening for the other person. And then you're
doing that with someone who is a stranger, you don't
even know if you like them. And it's just when
(27:33):
we do that because we want so badly to be
in a relationship and it feels so comfortable, but it's
when you don't know someone and you don't have that
trust and you haven't had those conversations, it can then
just leave you feeling very empty in size. So then
you part for the weekend and then you don't even
hear from them, and then you just had this experience
and it can just be very disorienting.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
What's coming up for most women nowadays?
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Single women or coupled women.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Oh both. Let's start with single women.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
I think for single women it's the same thing.
Speaker 6 (28:06):
Well, finding someone emotionally available, that's a big one for them.
But I also think there's a lot of women these
days who are wanting to really live their life to
the fullest and trying to like figure out a way
to really live their life to the fullest where they
can want a relationship but it doesn't become so all
consuming for them. I think women in relationships, a lot
(28:28):
of what comes up for them is just you know,
it's the same thing. It's just needs being met, being heard,
being seen. A lot of women who have children, it's
exhausting trying to figure out their identity. I'm a mother,
I'm a wife, I'm a partner. Where am I on
all this? So just learning that, I think that that's
(28:50):
always a big one. Those are the biggest ones for.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Sure, Jillian.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Of the nine hard truths that you address in your book,
which one has been the hardest truth for you to
accept in your own journey?
Speaker 6 (29:02):
I think the hardest one was making the last one,
which I think is going to be a tough one
for most people. You have to make peace with your parents.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
That felt very deliberate that you would include that as
like the final step in the process.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
Yes, it was very It was very deliberate that that
would be the last one.
Speaker 4 (29:17):
It's the hardest truth I think for people to get.
And you know, my relationship with my father, which was
always extremely troubled, was just that theme in my life
that sort of just followed me everywhere, and so learning
how to let go of the hatred and fear.
Speaker 6 (29:38):
That I had towards him and of him was a
huge part of my personal development or spiritual journey.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
And really what that chapter is about. And I certainly
don't if someone's been and I mentioned this, if someone's
been severely abused or molested, I'm not saying make peace
with your parents.
Speaker 6 (29:58):
You can have a great relationship with your parent. This
is just about one. For some people, it's emancipating themselves
from their parents' belief system so that they can live
the life that they feel that they're meant to live,
versus living the life that they believe their parents want
them to live.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Oh my gosh, that's so big. That is a huge one.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
It's a big one.
Speaker 6 (30:17):
And another one is the story that you have of
your parent that's maybe troubled. How much does that have
a choke hold in your life? How much is it
controlling your life? And is it time to look at
the story differently from the perspective of being an adult
rather than through the filter of yourself as a child,
and a lot of that letting go forgiveness, compassion reframing.
Speaker 4 (30:40):
I would not be here sitting here today.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
I would never have written the book had I had
the father that I deserve to have. What we want
in childhood does not guarantee a good life. It doesn't
mean getting what you want means you're gonna have a
bad life, no, but it doesn't actually guarantee you a
good life. There's some people out there who have the
most interesting lives and they come from a men's trauma.
(31:04):
So it's sometimes just understanding that is what can help
you reframe the story.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Jillian, this has been so enlightening and I feel like
we have barely scratched the surface.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Thank you so much, thank.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
You, thank you so much for having me. The two
of you are delightful and it was really great to
be here.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
Jillian Treki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and author.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, in honor of American
Heart Month and Valentine's Day, we're talking all about heart
health with cardiologists doctor Jennifer Hath She joins us to
share tips and information that could literally save your life.
You don't want to miss it.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
Join the conversation using hashtag the bright Side and connect
with us on social media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram
and at the bright Side Pod on TikTok oh, and
feel free to tag us at Simone Boys and at
Danielle Robe.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
See you tomorrow, folks, keep looking on the bright side.
Hosts And Creators
Simone Boyce
Danielle Robay
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