March 28, 2024 • 35 mins
Sabrina Zohar is here to tell it like it is. The dating coach and host of the “Do The Work” podcast takes a no-nonsense approach to dating red flags, green flags, and everything in between. Plus, Danielle shares an embarrassing story and Simone schools us on which celebrities names we have been mispronouncing all along.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Today on the bright Side, we're getting into dating dynamics
with dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
She's here to tell us how to do the work.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Like I think the reality is most people, it's not
a lack of information. We have all the information. It's
a lack of implementation. And so when we're really looking
at what is doing the work means. Doing the work
means being able to stop and say, what is actually
my reality versus what glasses am I wearing to alter
the reality.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
I'm feeling empowered. We're talking radical self acceptance, y'all, and
how to take control of your love life. Later we
play a game of red Flag, Green Flag, or in between.
It's Thursday, March twenty eighth. I'm Simone Boye.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright side from
Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Tell me about your life.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
What's going on? Let's see what's going on? Oh my gosh,
wait a minute to like think about do you have
anything off the top of your head.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I unfortunately have a story right on the tip of
my tongue, and it's so it's the most embarrassing thing
that's happened to me in a.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Really long time.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Wait, I need to hear this because we were on
the phone yesterday and you were like, I have to
save this story for the tood, so tell me it
right now.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Okay, So yesterday you and I had like a morning
function about the podcast, and then I went home and
I took a little nap because I you know what
it's like to launch a show like you and I
have not been sleeping.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Take a little nap.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
And then I decided I was going to do something
fun because I haven't done.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
All I've been doing is working.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Okay, I decide I'm gonna go eat a big, fat,
juicy hamburger, and I take myself to the Polo Lounge
at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
You guys know the one from Instagram. It's like the
Pink Hotel. It has the red carpet. When you walk in,
it's all striped and flamingos, and it's very.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Posh, classic Beverly Hills exactly. It has palm trees.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You walk in and you're guaranteed to see not one,
not two, but three celebrities. Oh this is I had
a Jamie Lee Curtis spotting. There were like three people
there that I recognize. I sit down at a booth
and I'm eating, and it's I ordered a French onion soup,
and then I ordered a caesar salad, and I ordered
(02:17):
a hamburger with French fries all to myself. Okay, I'm
just girl. I'm sitting there, I'm enjoying, I'm eating. I
pay the bill, and I was like really feeling satisfied
because A I ate a whole lot, and B I
just hadn't done anything for myself. I get up, mind you,
the restaurant is completely full. I stand up and I
(02:39):
walk away, and the tablecloth comes with me.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Wait, like the classic comedic stunt where it follows you.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yes, the two glasses of water and diet coke come falling,
The leftover food dishes break everywhere. The entire restaurant was
staring at me. I didn't know what to do. I
looked at the waiter. I was like, I am so sorry,
but it's almost like it couldn't have been planned.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It was like a movie.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
I'm wondering if you got punked, if someone tucked that
tablecloth corner into your pants. Epic, Danielle, I'm actually I'm
kind of impressed, Like I'm actually proud of you, Like,
this is pretty epic.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I was mortified. I could not.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I'm a little clumsy, like I'll trip on thin air,
I'll trip up the stairs.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
If I'm in the gym, sometimes a weight falls on
my toe. But this was peak clumsiness.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Did anybody did the paps get you?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Like?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
Did anybody get this on camera?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You know, Jamie Lee Curtis was there, so they didn't
care about me.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
Did anybody in the restaurant see the whole restaurant?
Speaker 1 (03:46):
It was so loud, it was truly mortifying.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Well, look out look on TMZ later today, folks. Maybe
we'll get a recap.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh my god, can I ask you a personal question?
Speaker 4 (03:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So I mentioned how this show have been tough. Yeah,
you have two kids and a husband.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
A lot of my friends feel like when they're at work,
they're thinking about kids. When they're with their kids, they're
thinking about work. How are you thinking about your time?
Speaker 4 (04:11):
I am able to compartmentalize at this point, like I'm
able to I'm getting better at mom guilt and I'm
able to be present at work and be purposeful here.
But you know, it is difficult. The phone is the
worst distraction. The phone kills me when I'm with my kids,
like the temptation to check an email or go on Instagram.
(04:33):
I'm constantly battling that, so so it goes in my house. Okay,
I have a fun game for us, Danielle. Are you ready? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I love a game.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
This is gonna be great. The power of the giggle people.
We're getting ready to giggle here. Okay. So we're podcast hosts, right,
getting names right, That's kind of in our job description.
And you're an entertainment reporter. We have that in our
vent diagram. So I'm going to put your celebrity name
knowledge to the test. Okay, I'm going to give you
a clue, and all you have to do is tell
me the name of the celebrity that I'm talking about. Okay, ready,
(05:04):
stop looking at my paper. I can't see your stope cheating.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I don't have eyes that can see your paper.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Okay, Okay, this first one, Danielle. We're gonna start with
the first and last name here. This actor first became
famous for his role in Call Me by Your Name.
I love that movie. But his latest movie is the
sci fi blockbuster Done two.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I don't know who this is.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Okay, Danielle. Here's a hint, he is allegedly dating Kylie Jenner.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Uh okay.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I definitely know who this is now, uh Tennessee Shalla
May Okay?
Speaker 4 (05:35):
All right? Next, moving on, just the first name here,
that's all you need. She's a friend and co star
of the last actor, and you know her from Euphoria
and a couple of Spider Man movies.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Is it zendayah Zendaya?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
Great? Great? Okay? Now this next guy is currently getting
a little rowdy in his latest movie, Roadhouse on Prime.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Oh, Jake Jillenhall.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
Great? Moving on, we have two from the Mean Girls universe.
This first actress can tell when it's already raining and
make you dance and sing in Ley Miz and Mamma.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Mia love her, Amanda Seifried okay.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
And someone else who was personally victimized by Regina George
Katie Heron aka Lindsay Lohan.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Great okay, but it's Lowen right, got it right, Lindsay Lohan?
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Okay? Moving on, Hello from the other side. She must
have called a thousand times to tell you you've been saying
your name wrong.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Really, Adele okay?
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Got it? Now we got the names from you. We're
gonna tally it up to see how you did. Okay,
technically you only pronounced one of those celebrity names correctly.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Wow, tell me how you're really supposed to pronounce them.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Here's the thing. Don't feel bad because we've all been
mispronouncing their names. So Timothy shallo May is actually tim
o'ta shala May.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's tim o'ta.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
It's tim o'te.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I don't believe that.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
It's tim o'te. I don't make the rules his parents did.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
No one on a red carpet has ever called him
tim o'te.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
I'm gonna try it next time. Oh my god. Okay,
this next one, Jake Jillenhall is really pronounced Jake yelen Halo.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
That's also not true.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
There's no he's Swedish. He's also Swedish royalty.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Gill and yellow. There's no way it's true. And go
to the same gym as him.
Speaker 4 (07:30):
Nobody's ever said, Janelle, you should ask him. Ariana Grande
is not actually a medium drink from Starbucks. It's actually grandy.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Oh I heard about that one time. Because Chrissy Tiaguan
is really Chrissy tigan No way really, I think, and
so I heard that was at the same time that
the Grandi came out.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
I can't. You can't be grandy. You gotta go grande
or go home. Okay, Amanda Seyfried, that's the mispronunciation. The
correct pronunciation is actually Amanda Seifred. Okay. Lindsay Lohan, that's
how we all know her name, right. The correct pronunciation
is Lindsay Lowen. M Yeah, Lindsay Lowen Lowen. Okay. Next
(08:14):
time you say hello to Adele, you might want to
say Adele. Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
That one's made up.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's an accent thing. That's crazy.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
It's technically a dial, a dial that was Southern.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
The first one was British Adele.
Speaker 5 (08:34):
That was funny. That was really funny.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Okay, y'all. Up next, we're doing a deep dive on
dating Red Flag. Sabrina Zohar, the no nonsense host so
the Do the Work Podcast, joins us.
Speaker 5 (08:50):
Stick with us.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Okay, we're back, y'all, And today on the show, we're
catching feelings because even if you've found your happily ever after,
we can all still benefit from a little love advice.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
That's for sure. Dating coach and host of the podcast,
do the work. Sabrina Zohar is here to share what
do you do if you found your perfect match on
paper but the spark just isn't there.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
We also have some advice for anybody out there searching
for love outside the apps. Sabrina, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
I can't take you seriously, Simone, Sabrina, thank you for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Hi ladies, so good to see you. Thank you for
having me. I'm excited for our chat today. We have
so much to go over.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Okay, Sabrina, everybody has questions when it comes to dating.
But before we get into that, let's talk about the
term dating coach because it gets thrown around a lot,
but I think we should just level set and break
it down. What does the term dating coach actually mean?
And what do dating coaches do?
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So I'll speak for myself at least in this regard
for me personally, what a day coach looks like is
it's an amalgamation of things. On the top most people
come to me with like, hey, okay, so here's my
dating experience is I don't understand what's going on. I
have some clients where I work with them purely to
just teach them how to date. Literally have never even
gone out there, have been married for thirty years, haven't
even opened a nap. But then there's also this beautiful,
(10:18):
magical part that I get to work with people to
understand what's under that. So for me, yes, I could
just talk over arching about how to date, but I
actually love to bring people back home to themselves because
my mama has been saying this to me for years.
You have to love yourself more than the need to
be loved by other people. Because if you are constantly
waiting for everyone else to validate you, when you are
(10:39):
so unhealthy in that regard, and when you're always waiting
for that validation any healthy person coming your way, you
won't be able to accept it because that goes against
your core belief What I like to do is start
to strip away and understand what are those core beliefs
so that we can move past it, and then you
can have different experiences in your dating life. So for me,
at least personally, it goes way.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Deeper, Sabrina, I want to hear more about you. I know,
for me and for a lot of other people out
there too. Sometimes we learn the most from our failures
in life. So can you tell us a little bit
more about where your expertise comes from. Do you think
it comes from having bad dating experiences?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Absolutely? Like I lived in New York for twelve years
when I just turned nineteen up until I was thirty one.
Then I moved to La so and ill had been
dating in Miami as well, kind of in between all
of that, so I had dated in three of the
major cities. It was constantly like eating shit, having fuck boys,
having the people that are wasting your time. It was
one after another after another, and me constantly saying no, no,
(11:35):
it's not me, it's everybody else. And it wasn't until
my sister sat me down and was like, you are
the fucking problem and I was like, wow, oh okay,
Like didn't see it that way, And then starting to
really do the work. I'm not broken. I just have
a lot of childhood traumas I need to work through.
And I started to understand how setting boundaries started to
change the way I dated, how showing up differently started
(11:55):
to manifest different people coming into my life, which ultimately
led me, after five years being painfully single and those
both cities, finding an amazing partner that I'm with now
that I've been with for a year and a half,
because when you show up differently, you start to receive differently.
And that really came from personal experience and me having
dated practically every kind of guy you can imagine.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
First of all, congrats, because what I hear people that
find people after doing the work. As you say, it
feels like you earned love, you didn't just find it.
And there's something really beautiful about that.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
I love that, and I really appreciate, Sabrina, how often
you take ownership over your own problems and the awareness
that you have of the issues that you have to
work through, because I think that's actually a pretty countercultural message.
In today's society. The narratives that we hear are all
about blaming other people. So is that intentional to position
yourself in this way or did it just kind of
(12:46):
happen organically.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
It happened organically because truthfully speaking, like that's the problem.
You know, we're so focused and it's like all of
these people telling you here's what to do to get
a guy. Okay, so you're manipulating and gamifying this, like
so you can control somebody else because you're playing like
a chess game that didn't resonate with me. And for me,
I went through years of not taking accountability and saying no, no,
it's everybody else until I took radical acceptance of me,
(13:11):
my actions and like even as a business owner, of course,
it would be easy to say, well, my employees messed up,
and they messed that up. But then I have to
take ownership and say, but I'm the manager. I'm the
one overseeing it. So if I drop the ball, it
starts and stops with me. And what that did was
it allowed me to empower myself, because when you can
take full accountability and ownership of your part in it,
you can take full control of your life.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Asking for a friend who's working on radical self acceptance,
what has been the hardest facet?
Speaker 2 (13:39):
What is this stutter? It was my favorite pireus.
Speaker 4 (13:42):
Yeah, what has been the hardest facet of your personality
to accept or overcome?
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Truthfully, I've had the dichotomy of I'm not enough, but
I'm also too much, So I'm too much because growing
up my dad would I mean, you would have an
emotion and he would hit you or walk out, or
there was always some kind of a band in me
because he could not handle emotions and now being especially
in the light where people can judge you and trolls
can say things those reaffirming core beliefs of see, you're
(14:10):
too much. I knew your personality was too big. Took
me this entire last year to finally stop and say, well,
this is who I am. It's not like I'm saying
every other word. I speak fast, I curse, I'm from
New York. I'm very driven, I'm very direct, I'm very blunt.
And accepting that about me meant that I no longer
had to change that part about me. I could embrace
it and really actually learn to love myself. And those
(14:31):
protective parts that created me are ultimately the ones that
are also helping me in my career.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
What is doing the work look like?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Like? I feel like we can say it's therapy, but
it's more than that.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
One hundred percent. It runs so much deeper. I think
truly what doing the work is is it's kind of
a myriad of things. I think it's like three major aspects.
It's identifying your triggers. It's understanding yourself. It's knowing what
sets you off. It's knowing who you are as a person.
And what are your weaknesses as well. Then the second
part of that is being able to stop intellectualizing it,
(15:03):
Like I think the reality is it's not a lack
of information. We have all the information. It's a lack
of implementation. And so when we're really looking at what
is doing the work means. Doing the work means being
able to stop and say, what is actually my reality
versus what glasses am I wearing to alter the reality.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
There's a version of validating your experience too that I've
personally felt and I find it with a lot of
my female friends. Trusting your own experience, trusting your own instincts.
I think we talk ourselves out of it a lot,
and so I really like that word validation.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And we have to remember too, it's like it's so normal.
I want to like normalize so many things. The reason
that could be normal is like I grew up not
being able to trust my gut. I couldn't understand because
it was unsafe for me to do so. So there
is a space where we can have so much compassion
for people that have never been able to validate. But
then we also have to have that moment of explanation
or excuse you know, are we using this as an
(15:56):
explanation to where we are and where we're going, or
are we using it as well? I'm avoidant and that's
me and I don't communicate. It's like, well, fucking do
something about it.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
Work on it.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
So this is the bright side.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
And we didn't want to just focus on red flags,
even though I'm very interested in those. We wanted to
also talk about green flags. So what are things to
look out for in a new relationship.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Off the bat? Consistency and reciprocity. So those are the
two things. Consistency for me, like, I have dated very
extensively in New York and LA and it was literally.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Like and Miami apparently all those cities.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, I'm from Florida, so I was always back and forth,
just going like from New York to Miami all the time.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
I feel like you should get a degree, like once
you graduate from dating in one of these cities.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Right, I would love that. Whereas where is my compensation
for the trauma that I've exerienced?
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
But really, like, as far as what is consistency to me,
the person I go to bed to is the person
I can wake up to that I know that this
is this person's the same day in and day out.
Can you have mood swings? Of course you're human, But
it's really knowing that when I express myself, do they
make me feel seen, hurt and understood? Do I feel safe?
Do I feel like, Wow, I can say anything to
this person they don't judge me? Or am I scared
(17:07):
to open up and open my mouth because I don't
want to push them away? So it's really just looking
at those little things.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
One hundred percent. That is so important. Okay, so those
are the green flags, but we all know those wouldn't
exist without red flags. So let's get into it. So
red flags, of course things to run from in a
new relationship, right, but what are the most common red
flags that you tend to warn people about.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
When somebody calls all their exes crazy, huge red flag,
it's like that beans that person's not taking any accountability
or ownership. So like somebody that tells you I'm not
ready for a relationship, or somebody that can't even have
conversation with you, somebody that you know, maybe like hasn't
processed their past. If you can't even have conversations of
depth with this person because they're always trying to avoid it,
somebody who won't be making consistent plans with you, somebody
(17:53):
who only wants to text but never wants to call you.
And we have to remember, a red flag doesn't mean,
like truly run for the hills, but a red flag
is something to start taking note of.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
So I want to dig into something that you just
said there about some red flags are just kind of
a warning sign and some you really have to listen to.
So are some red flags redeemable?
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Yes, because we have to remember it depends on the context, right,
So it's like, if there's a red flag that we
see in the beginning that maybe it's just more of
a trigger, you know, like if somebody says something to
you and you're like, well, I don't like the way
he spoke to me. To somebody else, they could say,
I don't know, he didn't speak to me in any
inappropriate way. Like if somebody's calling all of their exes crazy,
that's not really very redeemable because if I'm going to
probe a little deeper and find out that they're still
(18:35):
not taking accountability, I'm probably not going to waste my
time with this person. Versus somebody who says I just
want to go slow. That might not be a red
flag to somebody. To somebody, that might be because they
might want to rush into something, and to someone else
they might be like, wow, that's a really green flag.
So I really think it also depends on the context
versus some things like if you want a relationship and
this person doesn't, or I'll say one that I find
(18:57):
to be a huge red flag when you're intimate with
someone and they refuse to you protection for your first time.
That's a huge red flag for me because it's just
you're not taking care of my life, You're not taking
care of your life, and you just want to be
willy nilly Like that doesn't work for me. So there's
little things where I'm like, Okay, if you're going to
do this with me and you just met me, what
do you do with everybody else? Like that's safety that
I'm not. I don't really love that.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
That's a medical emergency. That's not a red flag.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Skiz right, Skez, Right's easy.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
What do you think the best way is to get
to know somebody?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Nowadays?
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Like with all the technology we have, sometimes I feel
like it's better if we just wind it all backwards.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
To me strip the phones. The phones are just there
to make a quick plan, check in how you doing,
But the phone is not the connection point. The texting
and dating was something I think that made me put
me on the map because I was saying things people
weren't saying, and that is, you don't need to text
every day and so not when you first met somebody.
If I just met you two days ago, why do
you need to be part of my day to day life.
(19:50):
Nowadays we're looking at this hunk of metal saying, well,
he didn't text me every day. That means he doesn't
like me. We're making so many assumptions as opposed to
how are they showing up? Are you spending time together
when you're with them? Are they consistent? Do they listen
to you? Did they ask you questions? Are they making
consistent plans? Are you seeing this person? Are you having
conflict and resolve? That is how you build a relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Should we talk about apps for a little bit. So
you met your man, you call him tech guy on hinge?
What's your advice for people who want to get off
the apps? Because I've been married for eighty two years
and all of my friends who are single always are
telling me how terrible the apps are, So like, how
do we get people off the apps and into the
(20:32):
loves that they want to find?
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Great question I think when it comes to the apps,
like and I was one of those people that I
was like, EPs are sore the worst. I needed to
be a better buyer. So it's like there's a twofold one.
It's about how are you selling yourself? Essentially, like this
is your resume, right, so it's like, how are you
presenting yourself? But at the very baseline, do they have
anything on their profile of depth? Do they have prompts?
Are their prompts one word answers? So it's like how
(20:54):
long are they charting with you on the apps? How
long does it take for them to try to make
a plan with you? Those are the little things that
I mean by being a better buyer. So if you
have somebody that's keeping you on the app for three
four weeks, texting you every single day, you're wasting your time.
That person's clearly not intentional with the way that they're dating.
You got to know you're non negotiables, your boundaries list,
you have to be very clear. The biggest thing about this.
You have to be okay walking away from people that
(21:16):
don't match that.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Okay, wait, we have listener questions.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
We want to give you some specific scenarios and get
your take on them. The first one is do I
have to pretend to take out my credit card and
offer to pay on the first date.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
If they asked me on the date? I don't do
that anymore because if you asked me to be there, Listen,
my time is valuable. I wasn't going to do this date.
So what I'll usually do is, whoever asked me on
the date, I'm not doing the credit card reach. I'll
usually just sit there and if they pull out their
credit card, I'll say, well, thank you so much. I
really appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
But what if you intend on never seeing them again?
Speaker 3 (21:46):
I still think same rules apply. Listen, just because I'm
on the date doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to want to
see you again. But the same thing if I invite
a guy on a date, I would be prepared, Like
if I say, come meet me for a coffee. If
I go up and order the coffee, I'm happy to
pay for the coffee, so I look at it as
the them paying for you. Doesn't mean that you owe
them anything. So just because you don't want to see
them again doesn't still mean that they didn't invite you
out to dinner and that you said yes, you spent
(22:07):
your time to go there, it just didn't work.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
See.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
I always feel like if I don't offer to pay
and if I don't ever intend on seeing them again, A,
I feel bad, but B I feel like it is
a trade like I sometimes offer to pay even if
I like somebody, because I'm like, I'm not trying.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
To trade like a makeout for a dinner.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Yeah, I know what you mean. And I think it's
there's an element of being there to receive. You know,
we talk all of this dynamics of feminine masculine. I
don't like to do that. What I do like to
look at is how can I be in a space
where I feel comfortable to receive from somebody? So just
because I don't like you, or just because I don't
feel like I owe you anything, doesn't still mean that
my time wasn't valuable and that again you asked me
to be here and I'm here now. Listen, you want
(22:47):
to split the check?
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Split it?
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Who cares? I've done that before, I've pulled out the card.
But the reality is sometimes when they say yes, you're like,
you can give you the current. I was just doing
it to be polite, and you're like grudgingly putting it down.
So I think it's if it's all thin. Like there's
some women that are like, I don't want a man
to pay for me. Great, then you hold that ground.
You do what feels right for you. And if you're
like I don't want you have to owe you anything,
you pay. But I don't think it needs to be
(23:09):
an expectation that the woman has to split the first date.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
I'm gonna be honest. I had a fantastic first date
with my husband and it was the stuff that dreams
are made of. And then the second date, it was
a day date, but he asked me to go Dutch
and I was like, what in the broke ass artist
is this? Because he was a struggling screenwriter at the time,
I was like, what is going on? But I got
(23:34):
over it, so you know, I was flexible.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Did you split the check?
Speaker 4 (23:38):
We did, because I'm I felt awkward and I was like, okay, yeah,
sure I'll split the check, but.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
You can't say no, no, it's like yeah, It's like
if you're saying no, you're like I may never see
this person again. And I like my partner and I
we like the first couple of dates he paid, and
then it became a thing of like, I don't need
someone to take care of me. I'm a woman, I
can I can pay my own way. So sometimes it's
I get dinner, you get dinner. I get it, you
get It doesn't have to be like I had an
ex that would go down the receipt and split what
(24:04):
you bought at the grocery store. That's a whole nother
level of no, thank you. But if somebody's being honest
of like I'm a struggling screenwriter, I'm sorry, I just like,
can we split this?
Speaker 4 (24:13):
You know what?
Speaker 3 (24:14):
How do you show up for me in other ways
besides paying for me? Because it's that life is free.
Nothing in life is free. I would see it differently
because like, my partner's not necessarily the most generous with money,
but boy is he generous with love. But I think
it also depends on like very much like he's he
is frugal. He's just the type of person he saves
a lot of money. He's not the type. He's not
going to splurge, and he doesn't do that. But I've
never had somebody so supportive because he shows it with
(24:34):
acts of service. Acts of service is his love language,
not gift giving and not spending money. Spending money is
actually quite easy. I can just easily take out my
credit card and go up. I've got her, But how
do I show up for her? That way is so
much more important to me because we're a partnership. I'm
looking for a partner, not a project. And that also
means that it might come with some eighty twenty. It
might mean that this person doesn't necessarily financially splurge, But
(24:56):
how else are they showing that that satisfied my needs?
Speaker 4 (24:59):
Okay, we are going to get into some more or
lessener questions. Here's one. Let's say someone sounds perfect on paper,
but for whatever reason, it's just still not clicking. I
can't get there. Should you keep pursuing them because it's
supposed to be a good fit.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
My one thing I'll say about that, I get that
all the time. And here's the one determining factor. Do
you even want to be intimate or physical with this person?
Speaker 1 (25:22):
For me.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I was so anxious and I had so much anxiety.
I wasn't ready for the perfect on paper guy, the
guy that was all those things I said I wanted
because I couldn't receive that. So if it's a matter
of man, this guy's really amazing, he's awesome, he's everything,
I'm not feeling it, It's like, well, what aren't you feeling?
Are you looking for a feeling? Because if you're chasing
the feeling, then you're just going to constantly be chasing versus.
When this guy touches me, I move out of the
(25:43):
way because I'm physically not even remotely interested in him.
Two very different experiences, and that's why I'm like, we
don't have to sleep with the person, but even just
at dinner, let them touch your arm, touch their leg,
do some kind of physical touch to see how you
feel my partner, I kept touching his leg and I
liked it. When we first met, I wasn't cuckookachew. But
it wasn't until he kissed me where I was like,
(26:06):
oh my god, because honestly, I hated the way he
dressed and I hated his car. So I had my ix.
Oh oh, I pulled on I was like, I'm such
a fickle bitch. I was like, this is not for me.
But it wasn't until when he kissed me. I remember
being like, whoa, where is this coming from? And that's
what I pursued.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
That is fabby.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Okay, you talk a lot about box theory, which, for
anyone who doesn't know, it's basically the idea that when
a guy meets a woman that he immediately puts her
in a box and that box never changes. So the
boxes are a woman you hook up with, a woman
you can date, or a woman that you just want
to be friends with.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
What are your thoughts on box theory. I don't believe
in the box theory personally, I either.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
I do think guys I do get into it.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Well, let's get into it, because I think what it
is it's an incredibly shallow way of looking at things.
Not that your shallow, so please, I want to just
clear it. Like this to me, I hope to upt
them on the first and I asked him, I'm like,
what did you think of me?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
After?
Speaker 3 (27:02):
He was like, I knew that I wanted to sleep
with you. Again, he was like, I didn't know I
wanted to date you. He was like, I didn't know you.
How was I supposed to know in the first twenty
minutes of meeting you that I would want to be
in a relationship. Because I think the box theory's implication
is that once you're in that box, you don't get out. Now,
what we're overlooking here is why are we We're giving
so much credence, but yet we're not looking at is
what was that person's intentions? Because if that person came
(27:23):
to you with the intentions of I don't want a relationship,
I don't care if you're the Queen of Sheheba, if
you're a gold statue brought from the God's above, you're
not going to change somebody else. So once they put
you in that box, the reason you're not out of
it isn't because of you and who you are. It's
because of their intentions with you. So I think it
allows too many people to say, oh, well, if it
didn't happen immediately, or if this guy puts me in
that bucket, and it's like, it's more about just what
(27:44):
are their intentions? Does that person even want a relationship?
And if they don't want one, then it doesn't matter
what you do you're not getting out of that box
because they don't want that.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
Sabrina, thank you so much for these dating diamonds. My goodness.
When we come back, we're going to see how well
Danielle and I can identify red and green flag situations.
We're going to be checking our red flag radar.
Speaker 5 (28:03):
Uh oh, I.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
Don't think mine's good. Okay, we are in the hot
seat now because it's time for a game of red,
green or in between with dating Coach Sabrina Zohar, Danielle,
Are you ready? No, I'm not ready either. I feel
totally unprepared.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Here are the rules.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Sabrina has some dating situations on hand, and Simone and
I are gonna have to guess whether the scenario is
a red, green or in between flag. Okay, Sabrina, I'm
a little nervous, but let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Okay, are you ready? So first one friendly with an X.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
I think it's a red.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I think in between depends on the scenario.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Yeah, yeah, in between is actually better, but I'll go threat.
I'll go with my instincts.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
I'm going in between because it depends on are their
kids involved? Is there? Like, what's the context? Do they
have a business, a kid, a dog, or is this
just that them and their ex have never like they
never cut the umbilical cord. So I think it depends
on connent. So the flip side trashes their ex, Oh,
that's a red flag.
Speaker 4 (29:04):
I'm gonna say red flag too.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I have an ex that I would like to trash,
but I specifically don't do it because I don't want
to be a red flag girl.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
It's kind of like anybody who trashes their workplace or
their ex boss, Like, that's also a red flag too,
you know, whenever they're interviewing for a job or something.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Like if I'm going to talk about my ex and
be like they were narcissistic, I was unhealthy and it
was a toxic relationship, it's very different to start attacking
them as a person. At that point, we run as
fast as we can. So, okay, calling their mom multiple
times every day.
Speaker 4 (29:34):
Green green all the way as a boy, mom green
red flag for me multiple times to day, Right.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Man, I have dated loves their mom a little too much,
Like you have to love your mom.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
You don't have to. I would love if you loved
your mom, but you most.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
Of the times the day is a lot Sabrina, do
you have kids.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
I don't, but I used to call my mom multiple
times a day, so I'm with you. But being in
a relationship now, I understood that had to get low.
You know, I wasn't able to call my mom every
ten times a day. But I think it also depends.
Are you calling your mother because you don't how to
work the washing machine and you're dependent by her because
you can't function, or are you calling her because you
just really love talking to your mom and something exciting
happened and you wanted to share it with her. Those
(30:14):
are two experiences that are different exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
I can't give you an objective opinion on this one.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
You're a boy mom.
Speaker 4 (30:20):
I'm a boy mom all the way. Yeah, that I
totally get.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Okay, next one, showering you with affection and attention early on.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I'm such a sucker for being chased. I love it,
but I know it's a red flag.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
I'm going to say in between, some of these are
really context dependent. For me, it just feels like a
red flag because when somebody comes on really strong, they're
chasing a feeling, not you. They don't know you, so
it's really hard for someone to be love momming so
all over you, because it's either they're manipulating you or
they're super insecure and they just want to make sure
you're not going to leave them. Neither of those are
really coming from a healthy and secure place. So okay,
(30:54):
eating the last sights of pizza?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I love this question.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
That's a red flag.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
As a Midwest girl, it is a red flag.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Says a lot about selfishness, about caring for the other person.
Speaker 5 (31:05):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Manners you just don't do that in the Midwest.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
I'm going to say neutral only in the sense because
as a girl who lives for pizza, I go after
what I want.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
But I will as you're a New Yorker, So.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
But I will say I think the reason becomes a
red flag is communicate. Hey, do you want the life slaves?
Do you want to split it? Versus? When I'm at
dinner and somebody just takes it, You're like, well, how
did you know? I didn't want that? So I'm with
you on that being the red flag. All right, maintaining
independence in a relationship. They won't cancel plans for you so.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
Hot, right, Sorry, say that again?
Speaker 5 (31:34):
Say that again.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
So maintaining their independence in the relationship, meaning like they
won't just cancel a plan. So like if they have
a boys night, they're not just going to cancel boys
night because you say you want to do something.
Speaker 4 (31:43):
Yeah, I think I'm going to go in between on
that one, just in case. If there's something that really
means a lot to me and I'm like, I really
want to have you there, then I would expect them
to move their plans around. But in general, yes, preserve
your own identity with a little flexibility.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yeah, I'm with you exactly.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
I think the exactly the rigidity is not what we're
looking for, but we're looking for. Hey, but this means
a lot to me. Okay, of course I'll be there.
Versus Babe, I have tickets to a concert. I'm not
going to cancel that just because you want to go
to a movie tonight. Like, yeah, yes, because boundaries are
so hot. Having a disagreement or some issues early in dating.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Prefer it, love it, want to get it out of
the way and talk about it.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
I agree with it.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
I think I think it's an in between. I think
it depends on how big the disagreements are and also
how you resolve them. At the end of the day.
That's more important, right, one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
The conflict isn't the problem, it's the repair. But it's like,
is this a constant problem?
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Right?
Speaker 3 (32:33):
The same problem? Is it a repeated problem? Or is
it just you're learning each other. You have some conflict,
but then you repair it and you grow closer. That's
a beautiful part.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I have a quick question for you. I have a
really good girlfriend who was going on a date with
a guy. He called her to plan the date and
he said, Okay, let's meet at this restaurant and she said,
I don't like that restaurant. Can we go to X,
Y and Z? And they got into a fight on
the phone before they even went out on the date.
And I was like, you can't go on the date
you got.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
You got to end it. And she was like, no,
I don't mind a little conflict. And I was like,
I don't think this is good.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
There's a difference between conflict and arguing. It's like if
you're just fine, it's it's the same thing of like
cursing at somebody. It's like I can curse in a
sentence I'm really freaking annoyed. Is very different than you
are a piece of shit. It's like, there's a way
that you talk to somebody, but if I will agree
with you anytime, let you get into a fight before
you've even had the days you're like, this is not
a good omen. This is not a good omen. Red
(33:26):
flag or grand flag. Text you good morning every single.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Day, the exact words good.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Morning, those good morning text.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Yeah, I like a good morning, But in between I
think it's preference red flag.
Speaker 4 (33:35):
I'm you're gonna lose me.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Early in dating, it's a red flag obviously when you're
in a relationship, of course, like you want to text
your part hey, you know, how's your day. But if
you just met somebody or you had one date and
already you're getting good morning, it's like, no, you're not
part of my day to day life nor day.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
I also hate when people are like good morning, beautiful
or hello babe.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
It's like no, no, no, we met once, no pet names.
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Can I be honest. It's giving f boy energy to me,
like the good morning, yes, good morning, good morning. Like
you know, I think this is the international f boy symbol, right.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Simonis grabbing her hands together for everybody to assimilate.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
Yeah, one hundred percent, because it really because at the
end of the day, you can schedule a good morning text.
Speaker 4 (34:15):
Yeah, Sabrina, how did we do?
Speaker 3 (34:17):
I think you guys did a great job. Personally, I
think you did. I think you guys had some really
good reasons for why, and so I am very proud
of my girls.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Thank you so much for joining us today. Sabrina.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
Of course, thank you guys so much. It was such
a pleasure, and I'm just I can't wait for the.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Next Sabrina Zohar is the host of the podcast Do
the Work. You can also find her on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Now, before we go, we want to leave you all
with a bright side spark from our conversation with Sabrina Zohar,
and that's this idea of leaning into radical self acceptance.
Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations that are
outside of our contry role without judging them. So radical
self acceptance is about not judging yourself just as you
(35:07):
are perfectly imperfect.
Speaker 4 (35:15):
Tomorrow on the show, we're talking with creative director, writer
and founder of the Instagram account Glorious Broad's Mary Jane Fahe.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
We're excited for that.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Listen and follow the bright side on the iHeartRadio, app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can
find me at Danielle Robe, rob a Y on TikTok
and Instagram, and.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
Me Simone Boice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone Voice.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode of
the bright Side
Today on the bright Side, we're getting into dating dynamics
with dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
She's here to tell us how to do the work.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Like I think the reality is most people, it's not
a lack of information. We have all the information. It's
a lack of implementation. And so when we're really looking
at what is doing the work means. Doing the work
means being able to stop and say, what is actually
my reality versus what glasses am I wearing to alter
the reality.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
I'm feeling empowered. We're talking radical self acceptance, y'all, and
how to take control of your love life. Later we
play a game of red Flag, Green Flag, or in between.
It's Thursday, March twenty eighth. I'm Simone Boye.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright side from
Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Tell me about your life.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
What's going on? Let's see what's going on? Oh my gosh,
wait a minute to like think about do you have
anything off the top of your head.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I unfortunately have a story right on the tip of
my tongue, and it's so it's the most embarrassing thing
that's happened to me in a.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Really long time.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Wait, I need to hear this because we were on
the phone yesterday and you were like, I have to
save this story for the tood, so tell me it
right now.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Okay, So yesterday you and I had like a morning
function about the podcast, and then I went home and
I took a little nap because I you know what
it's like to launch a show like you and I
have not been sleeping.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Take a little nap.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
And then I decided I was going to do something
fun because I haven't done.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
All I've been doing is working.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Okay, I decide I'm gonna go eat a big, fat,
juicy hamburger, and I take myself to the Polo Lounge
at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
You guys know the one from Instagram. It's like the
Pink Hotel. It has the red carpet. When you walk in,
it's all striped and flamingos, and it's very.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Posh, classic Beverly Hills exactly. It has palm trees.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You walk in and you're guaranteed to see not one,
not two, but three celebrities. Oh this is I had
a Jamie Lee Curtis spotting. There were like three people
there that I recognize. I sit down at a booth
and I'm eating, and it's I ordered a French onion soup,
and then I ordered a caesar salad, and I ordered
(02:17):
a hamburger with French fries all to myself. Okay, I'm
just girl. I'm sitting there, I'm enjoying, I'm eating. I
pay the bill, and I was like really feeling satisfied
because A I ate a whole lot, and B I
just hadn't done anything for myself. I get up, mind you,
the restaurant is completely full. I stand up and I
(02:39):
walk away, and the tablecloth comes with me.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Wait, like the classic comedic stunt where it follows you.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yes, the two glasses of water and diet coke come falling,
The leftover food dishes break everywhere. The entire restaurant was
staring at me. I didn't know what to do. I
looked at the waiter. I was like, I am so sorry,
but it's almost like it couldn't have been planned.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It was like a movie.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
I'm wondering if you got punked, if someone tucked that
tablecloth corner into your pants. Epic, Danielle, I'm actually I'm
kind of impressed, Like I'm actually proud of you, Like,
this is pretty epic.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I was mortified. I could not.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I'm a little clumsy, like I'll trip on thin air,
I'll trip up the stairs.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
If I'm in the gym, sometimes a weight falls on
my toe. But this was peak clumsiness.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Did anybody did the paps get you?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Like?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
Did anybody get this on camera?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You know, Jamie Lee Curtis was there, so they didn't
care about me.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
Did anybody in the restaurant see the whole restaurant?
Speaker 1 (03:46):
It was so loud, it was truly mortifying.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Well, look out look on TMZ later today, folks. Maybe
we'll get a recap.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh my god, can I ask you a personal question?
Speaker 4 (03:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So I mentioned how this show have been tough. Yeah,
you have two kids and a husband.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
A lot of my friends feel like when they're at work,
they're thinking about kids. When they're with their kids, they're
thinking about work. How are you thinking about your time?
Speaker 4 (04:11):
I am able to compartmentalize at this point, like I'm
able to I'm getting better at mom guilt and I'm
able to be present at work and be purposeful here.
But you know, it is difficult. The phone is the
worst distraction. The phone kills me when I'm with my kids,
like the temptation to check an email or go on Instagram.
(04:33):
I'm constantly battling that, so so it goes in my house. Okay,
I have a fun game for us, Danielle. Are you ready? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I love a game.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
This is gonna be great. The power of the giggle people.
We're getting ready to giggle here. Okay. So we're podcast hosts, right,
getting names right, That's kind of in our job description.
And you're an entertainment reporter. We have that in our
vent diagram. So I'm going to put your celebrity name
knowledge to the test. Okay, I'm going to give you
a clue, and all you have to do is tell
me the name of the celebrity that I'm talking about. Okay, ready,
(05:04):
stop looking at my paper. I can't see your stope cheating.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I don't have eyes that can see your paper.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Okay, Okay, this first one, Danielle. We're gonna start with
the first and last name here. This actor first became
famous for his role in Call Me by Your Name.
I love that movie. But his latest movie is the
sci fi blockbuster Done two.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I don't know who this is.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
Okay, Danielle. Here's a hint, he is allegedly dating Kylie Jenner.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Uh okay.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I definitely know who this is now, uh Tennessee Shalla
May Okay?
Speaker 4 (05:35):
All right? Next, moving on, just the first name here,
that's all you need. She's a friend and co star
of the last actor, and you know her from Euphoria
and a couple of Spider Man movies.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Is it zendayah Zendaya?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
Great? Great? Okay? Now this next guy is currently getting
a little rowdy in his latest movie, Roadhouse on Prime.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Oh, Jake Jillenhall.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
Great? Moving on, we have two from the Mean Girls universe.
This first actress can tell when it's already raining and
make you dance and sing in Ley Miz and Mamma.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Mia love her, Amanda Seifried okay.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
And someone else who was personally victimized by Regina George
Katie Heron aka Lindsay Lohan.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Great okay, but it's Lowen right, got it right, Lindsay Lohan?
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Okay? Moving on, Hello from the other side. She must
have called a thousand times to tell you you've been saying
your name wrong.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Really, Adele okay?
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Got it? Now we got the names from you. We're
gonna tally it up to see how you did. Okay,
technically you only pronounced one of those celebrity names correctly.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Wow, tell me how you're really supposed to pronounce them.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Here's the thing. Don't feel bad because we've all been
mispronouncing their names. So Timothy shallo May is actually tim
o'ta shala May.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's tim o'ta.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
It's tim o'te.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I don't believe that.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
It's tim o'te. I don't make the rules his parents did.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
No one on a red carpet has ever called him
tim o'te.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
I'm gonna try it next time. Oh my god. Okay,
this next one, Jake Jillenhall is really pronounced Jake yelen Halo.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
That's also not true.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
There's no he's Swedish. He's also Swedish royalty.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Gill and yellow. There's no way it's true. And go
to the same gym as him.
Speaker 4 (07:30):
Nobody's ever said, Janelle, you should ask him. Ariana Grande
is not actually a medium drink from Starbucks. It's actually grandy.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Oh I heard about that one time. Because Chrissy Tiaguan
is really Chrissy tigan No way really, I think, and
so I heard that was at the same time that
the Grandi came out.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
I can't. You can't be grandy. You gotta go grande
or go home. Okay, Amanda Seyfried, that's the mispronunciation. The
correct pronunciation is actually Amanda Seifred. Okay. Lindsay Lohan, that's
how we all know her name, right. The correct pronunciation
is Lindsay Lowen. M Yeah, Lindsay Lowen Lowen. Okay. Next
(08:14):
time you say hello to Adele, you might want to
say Adele. Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
That one's made up.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's an accent thing. That's crazy.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
It's technically a dial, a dial that was Southern.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
The first one was British Adele.
Speaker 5 (08:34):
That was funny. That was really funny.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Okay, y'all. Up next, we're doing a deep dive on
dating Red Flag. Sabrina Zohar, the no nonsense host so
the Do the Work Podcast, joins us.
Speaker 5 (08:50):
Stick with us.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Okay, we're back, y'all, And today on the show, we're
catching feelings because even if you've found your happily ever after,
we can all still benefit from a little love advice.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
That's for sure. Dating coach and host of the podcast,
do the work. Sabrina Zohar is here to share what
do you do if you found your perfect match on
paper but the spark just isn't there.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
We also have some advice for anybody out there searching
for love outside the apps. Sabrina, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
I can't take you seriously, Simone, Sabrina, thank you for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Hi ladies, so good to see you. Thank you for
having me. I'm excited for our chat today. We have
so much to go over.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Okay, Sabrina, everybody has questions when it comes to dating.
But before we get into that, let's talk about the
term dating coach because it gets thrown around a lot,
but I think we should just level set and break
it down. What does the term dating coach actually mean?
And what do dating coaches do?
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So I'll speak for myself at least in this regard
for me personally, what a day coach looks like is
it's an amalgamation of things. On the top most people
come to me with like, hey, okay, so here's my
dating experience is I don't understand what's going on. I
have some clients where I work with them purely to
just teach them how to date. Literally have never even
gone out there, have been married for thirty years, haven't
even opened a nap. But then there's also this beautiful,
(10:18):
magical part that I get to work with people to
understand what's under that. So for me, yes, I could
just talk over arching about how to date, but I
actually love to bring people back home to themselves because
my mama has been saying this to me for years.
You have to love yourself more than the need to
be loved by other people. Because if you are constantly
waiting for everyone else to validate you, when you are
(10:39):
so unhealthy in that regard, and when you're always waiting
for that validation any healthy person coming your way, you
won't be able to accept it because that goes against
your core belief What I like to do is start
to strip away and understand what are those core beliefs
so that we can move past it, and then you
can have different experiences in your dating life. So for me,
at least personally, it goes way.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Deeper, Sabrina, I want to hear more about you. I know,
for me and for a lot of other people out
there too. Sometimes we learn the most from our failures
in life. So can you tell us a little bit
more about where your expertise comes from. Do you think
it comes from having bad dating experiences?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Absolutely? Like I lived in New York for twelve years
when I just turned nineteen up until I was thirty one.
Then I moved to La so and ill had been
dating in Miami as well, kind of in between all
of that, so I had dated in three of the
major cities. It was constantly like eating shit, having fuck boys,
having the people that are wasting your time. It was
one after another after another, and me constantly saying no, no,
(11:35):
it's not me, it's everybody else. And it wasn't until
my sister sat me down and was like, you are
the fucking problem and I was like, wow, oh okay,
Like didn't see it that way, And then starting to
really do the work. I'm not broken. I just have
a lot of childhood traumas I need to work through.
And I started to understand how setting boundaries started to
change the way I dated, how showing up differently started
(11:55):
to manifest different people coming into my life, which ultimately
led me, after five years being painfully single and those
both cities, finding an amazing partner that I'm with now
that I've been with for a year and a half,
because when you show up differently, you start to receive differently.
And that really came from personal experience and me having
dated practically every kind of guy you can imagine.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
First of all, congrats, because what I hear people that
find people after doing the work. As you say, it
feels like you earned love, you didn't just find it.
And there's something really beautiful about that.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
I love that, and I really appreciate, Sabrina, how often
you take ownership over your own problems and the awareness
that you have of the issues that you have to
work through, because I think that's actually a pretty countercultural message.
In today's society. The narratives that we hear are all
about blaming other people. So is that intentional to position
yourself in this way or did it just kind of
(12:46):
happen organically.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
It happened organically because truthfully speaking, like that's the problem.
You know, we're so focused and it's like all of
these people telling you here's what to do to get
a guy. Okay, so you're manipulating and gamifying this, like
so you can control somebody else because you're playing like
a chess game that didn't resonate with me. And for me,
I went through years of not taking accountability and saying no, no,
it's everybody else until I took radical acceptance of me,
(13:11):
my actions and like even as a business owner, of course,
it would be easy to say, well, my employees messed up,
and they messed that up. But then I have to
take ownership and say, but I'm the manager. I'm the
one overseeing it. So if I drop the ball, it
starts and stops with me. And what that did was
it allowed me to empower myself, because when you can
take full accountability and ownership of your part in it,
you can take full control of your life.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Asking for a friend who's working on radical self acceptance,
what has been the hardest facet?
Speaker 2 (13:39):
What is this stutter? It was my favorite pireus.
Speaker 4 (13:42):
Yeah, what has been the hardest facet of your personality
to accept or overcome?
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Truthfully, I've had the dichotomy of I'm not enough, but
I'm also too much, So I'm too much because growing
up my dad would I mean, you would have an
emotion and he would hit you or walk out, or
there was always some kind of a band in me
because he could not handle emotions and now being especially
in the light where people can judge you and trolls
can say things those reaffirming core beliefs of see, you're
(14:10):
too much. I knew your personality was too big. Took
me this entire last year to finally stop and say, well,
this is who I am. It's not like I'm saying
every other word. I speak fast, I curse, I'm from
New York. I'm very driven, I'm very direct, I'm very blunt.
And accepting that about me meant that I no longer
had to change that part about me. I could embrace
it and really actually learn to love myself. And those
(14:31):
protective parts that created me are ultimately the ones that
are also helping me in my career.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
What is doing the work look like?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Like? I feel like we can say it's therapy, but
it's more than that.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
One hundred percent. It runs so much deeper. I think
truly what doing the work is is it's kind of
a myriad of things. I think it's like three major aspects.
It's identifying your triggers. It's understanding yourself. It's knowing what
sets you off. It's knowing who you are as a person.
And what are your weaknesses as well. Then the second
part of that is being able to stop intellectualizing it,
(15:03):
Like I think the reality is it's not a lack
of information. We have all the information. It's a lack
of implementation. And so when we're really looking at what
is doing the work means. Doing the work means being
able to stop and say, what is actually my reality
versus what glasses am I wearing to alter the reality.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
There's a version of validating your experience too that I've
personally felt and I find it with a lot of
my female friends. Trusting your own experience, trusting your own instincts.
I think we talk ourselves out of it a lot,
and so I really like that word validation.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And we have to remember too, it's like it's so normal.
I want to like normalize so many things. The reason
that could be normal is like I grew up not
being able to trust my gut. I couldn't understand because
it was unsafe for me to do so. So there
is a space where we can have so much compassion
for people that have never been able to validate. But
then we also have to have that moment of explanation
or excuse you know, are we using this as an
(15:56):
explanation to where we are and where we're going, or
are we using it as well? I'm avoidant and that's
me and I don't communicate. It's like, well, fucking do
something about it.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
Work on it.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
So this is the bright side.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
And we didn't want to just focus on red flags,
even though I'm very interested in those. We wanted to
also talk about green flags. So what are things to
look out for in a new relationship.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Off the bat? Consistency and reciprocity. So those are the
two things. Consistency for me, like, I have dated very
extensively in New York and LA and it was literally.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Like and Miami apparently all those cities.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, I'm from Florida, so I was always back and forth,
just going like from New York to Miami all the time.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
I feel like you should get a degree, like once
you graduate from dating in one of these cities.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Right, I would love that. Whereas where is my compensation
for the trauma that I've exerienced?
Speaker 4 (16:45):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
But really, like, as far as what is consistency to me,
the person I go to bed to is the person
I can wake up to that I know that this
is this person's the same day in and day out.
Can you have mood swings? Of course you're human, But
it's really knowing that when I express myself, do they
make me feel seen, hurt and understood? Do I feel safe?
Do I feel like, Wow, I can say anything to
this person they don't judge me? Or am I scared
(17:07):
to open up and open my mouth because I don't
want to push them away? So it's really just looking
at those little things.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
One hundred percent. That is so important. Okay, so those
are the green flags, but we all know those wouldn't
exist without red flags. So let's get into it. So
red flags, of course things to run from in a
new relationship, right, but what are the most common red
flags that you tend to warn people about.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
When somebody calls all their exes crazy, huge red flag,
it's like that beans that person's not taking any accountability
or ownership. So like somebody that tells you I'm not
ready for a relationship, or somebody that can't even have
conversation with you, somebody that you know, maybe like hasn't
processed their past. If you can't even have conversations of
depth with this person because they're always trying to avoid it,
somebody who won't be making consistent plans with you, somebody
(17:53):
who only wants to text but never wants to call you.
And we have to remember, a red flag doesn't mean,
like truly run for the hills, but a red flag
is something to start taking note of.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
So I want to dig into something that you just
said there about some red flags are just kind of
a warning sign and some you really have to listen to.
So are some red flags redeemable?
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Yes, because we have to remember it depends on the context, right,
So it's like, if there's a red flag that we
see in the beginning that maybe it's just more of
a trigger, you know, like if somebody says something to
you and you're like, well, I don't like the way
he spoke to me. To somebody else, they could say,
I don't know, he didn't speak to me in any
inappropriate way. Like if somebody's calling all of their exes crazy,
that's not really very redeemable because if I'm going to
probe a little deeper and find out that they're still
(18:35):
not taking accountability, I'm probably not going to waste my
time with this person. Versus somebody who says I just
want to go slow. That might not be a red
flag to somebody. To somebody, that might be because they
might want to rush into something, and to someone else
they might be like, wow, that's a really green flag.
So I really think it also depends on the context
versus some things like if you want a relationship and
this person doesn't, or I'll say one that I find
(18:57):
to be a huge red flag when you're intimate with
someone and they refuse to you protection for your first time.
That's a huge red flag for me because it's just
you're not taking care of my life, You're not taking
care of your life, and you just want to be
willy nilly Like that doesn't work for me. So there's
little things where I'm like, Okay, if you're going to
do this with me and you just met me, what
do you do with everybody else? Like that's safety that
I'm not. I don't really love that.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
That's a medical emergency. That's not a red flag.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Skiz right, Skez, Right's easy.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
What do you think the best way is to get
to know somebody?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Nowadays?
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Like with all the technology we have, sometimes I feel
like it's better if we just wind it all backwards.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
To me strip the phones. The phones are just there
to make a quick plan, check in how you doing,
But the phone is not the connection point. The texting
and dating was something I think that made me put
me on the map because I was saying things people
weren't saying, and that is, you don't need to text
every day and so not when you first met somebody.
If I just met you two days ago, why do
you need to be part of my day to day life.
(19:50):
Nowadays we're looking at this hunk of metal saying, well,
he didn't text me every day. That means he doesn't
like me. We're making so many assumptions as opposed to
how are they showing up? Are you spending time together
when you're with them? Are they consistent? Do they listen
to you? Did they ask you questions? Are they making
consistent plans? Are you seeing this person? Are you having
conflict and resolve? That is how you build a relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Should we talk about apps for a little bit. So
you met your man, you call him tech guy on hinge?
What's your advice for people who want to get off
the apps? Because I've been married for eighty two years
and all of my friends who are single always are
telling me how terrible the apps are, So like, how
do we get people off the apps and into the
(20:32):
loves that they want to find?
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Great question I think when it comes to the apps,
like and I was one of those people that I
was like, EPs are sore the worst. I needed to
be a better buyer. So it's like there's a twofold one.
It's about how are you selling yourself? Essentially, like this
is your resume, right, so it's like, how are you
presenting yourself? But at the very baseline, do they have
anything on their profile of depth? Do they have prompts?
Are their prompts one word answers? So it's like how
(20:54):
long are they charting with you on the apps? How
long does it take for them to try to make
a plan with you? Those are the little things that
I mean by being a better buyer. So if you
have somebody that's keeping you on the app for three
four weeks, texting you every single day, you're wasting your time.
That person's clearly not intentional with the way that they're dating.
You got to know you're non negotiables, your boundaries list,
you have to be very clear. The biggest thing about this.
You have to be okay walking away from people that
(21:16):
don't match that.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Okay, wait, we have listener questions.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
We want to give you some specific scenarios and get
your take on them. The first one is do I
have to pretend to take out my credit card and
offer to pay on the first date.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
If they asked me on the date? I don't do
that anymore because if you asked me to be there, Listen,
my time is valuable. I wasn't going to do this date.
So what I'll usually do is, whoever asked me on
the date, I'm not doing the credit card reach. I'll
usually just sit there and if they pull out their
credit card, I'll say, well, thank you so much. I
really appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
But what if you intend on never seeing them again?
Speaker 3 (21:46):
I still think same rules apply. Listen, just because I'm
on the date doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to want to
see you again. But the same thing if I invite
a guy on a date, I would be prepared, Like
if I say, come meet me for a coffee. If
I go up and order the coffee, I'm happy to
pay for the coffee, so I look at it as
the them paying for you. Doesn't mean that you owe
them anything. So just because you don't want to see
them again doesn't still mean that they didn't invite you
out to dinner and that you said yes, you spent
(22:07):
your time to go there, it just didn't work.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
See.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
I always feel like if I don't offer to pay
and if I don't ever intend on seeing them again, A,
I feel bad, but B I feel like it is
a trade like I sometimes offer to pay even if
I like somebody, because I'm like, I'm not trying.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
To trade like a makeout for a dinner.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Yeah, I know what you mean. And I think it's
there's an element of being there to receive. You know,
we talk all of this dynamics of feminine masculine. I
don't like to do that. What I do like to
look at is how can I be in a space
where I feel comfortable to receive from somebody? So just
because I don't like you, or just because I don't
feel like I owe you anything, doesn't still mean that
my time wasn't valuable and that again you asked me
to be here and I'm here now. Listen, you want
(22:47):
to split the check?
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Split it?
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Who cares? I've done that before, I've pulled out the card.
But the reality is sometimes when they say yes, you're like,
you can give you the current. I was just doing
it to be polite, and you're like grudgingly putting it down.
So I think it's if it's all thin. Like there's
some women that are like, I don't want a man
to pay for me. Great, then you hold that ground.
You do what feels right for you. And if you're
like I don't want you have to owe you anything,
you pay. But I don't think it needs to be
(23:09):
an expectation that the woman has to split the first date.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
I'm gonna be honest. I had a fantastic first date
with my husband and it was the stuff that dreams
are made of. And then the second date, it was
a day date, but he asked me to go Dutch
and I was like, what in the broke ass artist
is this? Because he was a struggling screenwriter at the time,
I was like, what is going on? But I got
(23:34):
over it, so you know, I was flexible.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Did you split the check?
Speaker 4 (23:38):
We did, because I'm I felt awkward and I was like, okay, yeah,
sure I'll split the check, but.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
You can't say no, no, it's like yeah, It's like
if you're saying no, you're like I may never see
this person again. And I like my partner and I
we like the first couple of dates he paid, and
then it became a thing of like, I don't need
someone to take care of me. I'm a woman, I
can I can pay my own way. So sometimes it's
I get dinner, you get dinner. I get it, you
get It doesn't have to be like I had an
ex that would go down the receipt and split what
(24:04):
you bought at the grocery store. That's a whole nother
level of no, thank you. But if somebody's being honest
of like I'm a struggling screenwriter, I'm sorry, I just like,
can we split this?
Speaker 4 (24:13):
You know what?
Speaker 3 (24:14):
How do you show up for me in other ways
besides paying for me? Because it's that life is free.
Nothing in life is free. I would see it differently
because like, my partner's not necessarily the most generous with money,
but boy is he generous with love. But I think
it also depends on like very much like he's he
is frugal. He's just the type of person he saves
a lot of money. He's not the type. He's not
going to splurge, and he doesn't do that. But I've
never had somebody so supportive because he shows it with
(24:34):
acts of service. Acts of service is his love language,
not gift giving and not spending money. Spending money is
actually quite easy. I can just easily take out my
credit card and go up. I've got her, But how
do I show up for her? That way is so
much more important to me because we're a partnership. I'm
looking for a partner, not a project. And that also
means that it might come with some eighty twenty. It
might mean that this person doesn't necessarily financially splurge, But
(24:56):
how else are they showing that that satisfied my needs?
Speaker 4 (24:59):
Okay, we are going to get into some more or
lessener questions. Here's one. Let's say someone sounds perfect on paper,
but for whatever reason, it's just still not clicking. I
can't get there. Should you keep pursuing them because it's
supposed to be a good fit.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
My one thing I'll say about that, I get that
all the time. And here's the one determining factor. Do
you even want to be intimate or physical with this person?
Speaker 1 (25:22):
For me.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I was so anxious and I had so much anxiety.
I wasn't ready for the perfect on paper guy, the
guy that was all those things I said I wanted
because I couldn't receive that. So if it's a matter
of man, this guy's really amazing, he's awesome, he's everything,
I'm not feeling it, It's like, well, what aren't you feeling?
Are you looking for a feeling? Because if you're chasing
the feeling, then you're just going to constantly be chasing versus.
When this guy touches me, I move out of the
(25:43):
way because I'm physically not even remotely interested in him.
Two very different experiences, and that's why I'm like, we
don't have to sleep with the person, but even just
at dinner, let them touch your arm, touch their leg,
do some kind of physical touch to see how you
feel my partner, I kept touching his leg and I
liked it. When we first met, I wasn't cuckookachew. But
it wasn't until he kissed me where I was like,
(26:06):
oh my god, because honestly, I hated the way he
dressed and I hated his car. So I had my ix.
Oh oh, I pulled on I was like, I'm such
a fickle bitch. I was like, this is not for me.
But it wasn't until when he kissed me. I remember
being like, whoa, where is this coming from? And that's
what I pursued.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
That is fabby.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Okay, you talk a lot about box theory, which, for
anyone who doesn't know, it's basically the idea that when
a guy meets a woman that he immediately puts her
in a box and that box never changes. So the
boxes are a woman you hook up with, a woman
you can date, or a woman that you just want
to be friends with.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
What are your thoughts on box theory. I don't believe
in the box theory personally, I either.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
I do think guys I do get into it.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Well, let's get into it, because I think what it
is it's an incredibly shallow way of looking at things.
Not that your shallow, so please, I want to just
clear it. Like this to me, I hope to upt
them on the first and I asked him, I'm like,
what did you think of me?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
After?
Speaker 3 (27:02):
He was like, I knew that I wanted to sleep
with you. Again, he was like, I didn't know I
wanted to date you. He was like, I didn't know you.
How was I supposed to know in the first twenty
minutes of meeting you that I would want to be
in a relationship. Because I think the box theory's implication
is that once you're in that box, you don't get out. Now,
what we're overlooking here is why are we We're giving
so much credence, but yet we're not looking at is
what was that person's intentions? Because if that person came
(27:23):
to you with the intentions of I don't want a relationship,
I don't care if you're the Queen of Sheheba, if
you're a gold statue brought from the God's above, you're
not going to change somebody else. So once they put
you in that box, the reason you're not out of
it isn't because of you and who you are. It's
because of their intentions with you. So I think it
allows too many people to say, oh, well, if it
didn't happen immediately, or if this guy puts me in
that bucket, and it's like, it's more about just what
(27:44):
are their intentions? Does that person even want a relationship?
And if they don't want one, then it doesn't matter
what you do you're not getting out of that box
because they don't want that.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
Sabrina, thank you so much for these dating diamonds. My goodness.
When we come back, we're going to see how well
Danielle and I can identify red and green flag situations.
We're going to be checking our red flag radar.
Speaker 5 (28:03):
Uh oh, I.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
Don't think mine's good. Okay, we are in the hot
seat now because it's time for a game of red,
green or in between with dating Coach Sabrina Zohar, Danielle,
Are you ready? No, I'm not ready either. I feel
totally unprepared.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Here are the rules.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Sabrina has some dating situations on hand, and Simone and
I are gonna have to guess whether the scenario is
a red, green or in between flag. Okay, Sabrina, I'm
a little nervous, but let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Okay, are you ready? So first one friendly with an X.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
I think it's a red.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I think in between depends on the scenario.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Yeah, yeah, in between is actually better, but I'll go threat.
I'll go with my instincts.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
I'm going in between because it depends on are their
kids involved? Is there? Like, what's the context? Do they
have a business, a kid, a dog, or is this
just that them and their ex have never like they
never cut the umbilical cord. So I think it depends
on connent. So the flip side trashes their ex, Oh,
that's a red flag.
Speaker 4 (29:04):
I'm gonna say red flag too.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I have an ex that I would like to trash,
but I specifically don't do it because I don't want
to be a red flag girl.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
It's kind of like anybody who trashes their workplace or
their ex boss, Like, that's also a red flag too,
you know, whenever they're interviewing for a job or something.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Like if I'm going to talk about my ex and
be like they were narcissistic, I was unhealthy and it
was a toxic relationship, it's very different to start attacking
them as a person. At that point, we run as
fast as we can. So, okay, calling their mom multiple
times every day.
Speaker 4 (29:34):
Green green all the way as a boy, mom green
red flag for me multiple times to day, Right.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Man, I have dated loves their mom a little too much,
Like you have to love your mom.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
You don't have to. I would love if you loved
your mom, but you most.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
Of the times the day is a lot Sabrina, do
you have kids.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
I don't, but I used to call my mom multiple
times a day, so I'm with you. But being in
a relationship now, I understood that had to get low.
You know, I wasn't able to call my mom every
ten times a day. But I think it also depends.
Are you calling your mother because you don't how to
work the washing machine and you're dependent by her because
you can't function, or are you calling her because you
just really love talking to your mom and something exciting
happened and you wanted to share it with her. Those
(30:14):
are two experiences that are different exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
I can't give you an objective opinion on this one.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
You're a boy mom.
Speaker 4 (30:20):
I'm a boy mom all the way. Yeah, that I
totally get.
Speaker 3 (30:22):
Okay, next one, showering you with affection and attention early on.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I'm such a sucker for being chased. I love it,
but I know it's a red flag.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
I'm going to say in between, some of these are
really context dependent. For me, it just feels like a
red flag because when somebody comes on really strong, they're
chasing a feeling, not you. They don't know you, so
it's really hard for someone to be love momming so
all over you, because it's either they're manipulating you or
they're super insecure and they just want to make sure
you're not going to leave them. Neither of those are
really coming from a healthy and secure place. So okay,
(30:54):
eating the last sights of pizza?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I love this question.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
That's a red flag.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
As a Midwest girl, it is a red flag.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
Says a lot about selfishness, about caring for the other person.
Speaker 5 (31:05):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Manners you just don't do that in the Midwest.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
I'm going to say neutral only in the sense because
as a girl who lives for pizza, I go after
what I want.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
But I will as you're a New Yorker, So.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
But I will say I think the reason becomes a
red flag is communicate. Hey, do you want the life slaves?
Do you want to split it? Versus? When I'm at
dinner and somebody just takes it, You're like, well, how
did you know? I didn't want that? So I'm with
you on that being the red flag. All right, maintaining
independence in a relationship. They won't cancel plans for you so.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
Hot, right, Sorry, say that again?
Speaker 5 (31:34):
Say that again.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
So maintaining their independence in the relationship, meaning like they
won't just cancel a plan. So like if they have
a boys night, they're not just going to cancel boys
night because you say you want to do something.
Speaker 4 (31:43):
Yeah, I think I'm going to go in between on
that one, just in case. If there's something that really
means a lot to me and I'm like, I really
want to have you there, then I would expect them
to move their plans around. But in general, yes, preserve
your own identity with a little flexibility.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yeah, I'm with you exactly.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
I think the exactly the rigidity is not what we're
looking for, but we're looking for. Hey, but this means
a lot to me. Okay, of course I'll be there.
Versus Babe, I have tickets to a concert. I'm not
going to cancel that just because you want to go
to a movie tonight. Like, yeah, yes, because boundaries are
so hot. Having a disagreement or some issues early in dating.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Prefer it, love it, want to get it out of
the way and talk about it.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
I agree with it.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
I think I think it's an in between. I think
it depends on how big the disagreements are and also
how you resolve them. At the end of the day.
That's more important, right, one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
The conflict isn't the problem, it's the repair. But it's like,
is this a constant problem?
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Right?
Speaker 3 (32:33):
The same problem? Is it a repeated problem? Or is
it just you're learning each other. You have some conflict,
but then you repair it and you grow closer. That's
a beautiful part.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I have a quick question for you. I have a
really good girlfriend who was going on a date with
a guy. He called her to plan the date and
he said, Okay, let's meet at this restaurant and she said,
I don't like that restaurant. Can we go to X,
Y and Z? And they got into a fight on
the phone before they even went out on the date.
And I was like, you can't go on the date
you got.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
You got to end it. And she was like, no,
I don't mind a little conflict. And I was like,
I don't think this is good.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
There's a difference between conflict and arguing. It's like if
you're just fine, it's it's the same thing of like
cursing at somebody. It's like I can curse in a
sentence I'm really freaking annoyed. Is very different than you
are a piece of shit. It's like, there's a way
that you talk to somebody, but if I will agree
with you anytime, let you get into a fight before
you've even had the days you're like, this is not
a good omen. This is not a good omen. Red
(33:26):
flag or grand flag. Text you good morning every single.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Day, the exact words good.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Morning, those good morning text.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Yeah, I like a good morning, But in between I
think it's preference red flag.
Speaker 4 (33:35):
I'm you're gonna lose me.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Early in dating, it's a red flag obviously when you're
in a relationship, of course, like you want to text
your part hey, you know, how's your day. But if
you just met somebody or you had one date and
already you're getting good morning, it's like, no, you're not
part of my day to day life nor day.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
I also hate when people are like good morning, beautiful
or hello babe.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
It's like no, no, no, we met once, no pet names.
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Can I be honest. It's giving f boy energy to me,
like the good morning, yes, good morning, good morning. Like
you know, I think this is the international f boy symbol, right.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Simonis grabbing her hands together for everybody to assimilate.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
Yeah, one hundred percent, because it really because at the
end of the day, you can schedule a good morning text.
Speaker 4 (34:15):
Yeah, Sabrina, how did we do?
Speaker 3 (34:17):
I think you guys did a great job. Personally, I
think you did. I think you guys had some really
good reasons for why, and so I am very proud
of my girls.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Thank you so much for joining us today. Sabrina.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
Of course, thank you guys so much. It was such
a pleasure, and I'm just I can't wait for the.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Next Sabrina Zohar is the host of the podcast Do
the Work. You can also find her on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Now, before we go, we want to leave you all
with a bright side spark from our conversation with Sabrina Zohar,
and that's this idea of leaning into radical self acceptance.
Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations that are
outside of our contry role without judging them. So radical
self acceptance is about not judging yourself just as you
(35:07):
are perfectly imperfect.
Speaker 4 (35:15):
Tomorrow on the show, we're talking with creative director, writer
and founder of the Instagram account Glorious Broad's Mary Jane Fahe.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
We're excited for that.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Listen and follow the bright side on the iHeartRadio, app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can
find me at Danielle Robe, rob a Y on TikTok
and Instagram, and.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
Me Simone Boice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone Voice.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode of
the bright Side
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